E. Grey Lorimer's Blog, page 2

Your Daily True Love Vitamin – For Women Only – Singles

Are you approachable? What face and body language do you usually wear? Many single women will turn on the charm once eye contact is made with a worthy candidate but it may be too late. Confident men with choices like to observe a woman's behavior before she realizes she is being observed. If your facial expressions and body language tell the story of the day's frustration you may be discounting yourself. Nothing is sexier to a single man than a woman who is warm and inviting to the people around her.

Your Daily True Love Vitamin – For Men Only – Singles

Is there a key element that American Women seek in men? Yes, confidence. Despite what Pop-culture tells us, looks, gold, and popularity play second fiddle to confidence. At seminars and talks with singles only, I have met men who look like Norwegian Bridge Trolls or have the personality of a nematode or are as poor as a church mouse, but they find their true love because they have personal balance and confidence. There is nothing sexier to a woman than a man who is comfortable in his own skin.

Why not get a copy of The Artful Science of True Love and begin walking the path today?

Your Daily True Love Vitamin – For Women Only

Ladies, nothing is more important to your man than to feel that he is your top priority. Remind him today without using words. I would recommend a random 5 minute massage about the neck and shoulders. Often when men feel that they have been reduced in priority they react poorly. If he believes that you have reduced him from your true love to handy man status, he may remember just how handy he can be with other women.

Your Daily True Love Vitamin

Guys, think back to the day that you knew you were really in love with her. Remember how you felt about her. You most likely thought that she was the most beautiful woman to have ever lived. Remind her today about that day.

Why not get a copy of The Artful Science of True Love and start walking the path of true love today?

A Question of Trust?

"A Talk with the Author" format is my favorite method of delivering new information about true love. The groups are smaller and more intimate with a relaxed atmosphere that facilitates honest open dialog from participants. It also sometimes produces interesting challenges for me compared to the formal larger group seminar format. At one such recent event in the Lehigh Valley, PA, two people asked diametrically opposed questions on relationship trust in succession. One from the position of the pinnacle of true love the other from the painful abyss of multiple infidelities.

The first question was from Tom, a professional photographer, who was there with his wife and they were clearly in a true love relationship. His question was concerning a strong physical attraction that he felt toward a woman while on a recent location photo shoot. He had come to the knowledge that the attraction was mutual because the woman approached him and shared her feelings. He was curious to know if this had any significant meaning for his marriage. I said, "Well Tom what did you and this woman do about the attraction." He quickly became a little embarrassed realizing the sensitive nature of his bona fide inquiry in a public setting and blurted, "Nothing." I then asked if this happened often to which he replied, "No, it never happens!" This produced a smile on my face as well as a smile on his wonderful wife's face. However, before I could address Tom's quandary a young woman in attendance stated that her last two lovers cheated on her and she was experiencing the same trust issue.

While everyone at the "talk" had instantly become a little confused and uncomfortable, half a world away somewhere on the Serengeti Plain in Africa, a mother Cheetah was teaching her cubs which animals are trusted food sources and which are dangerous and not to be trusted. Her knowledge and behavior is perceptual or emotional in nature and comes from experiences taught to her by her mother Cheetah not instincts. The language she uses is also perceptual and she employs example, body language, paralinguistic calls, and facial expressions to teach her cubs their most important trust lessons. Cheetahs do not discuss these concepts in English, Spanish, or Mandarin Chinese. If the mother Cheetah does a poor job of teaching trust or one of the cubs is a poor student it is usually fatal for the cub. Nature ensures that only Cheetahs with good internal trust meters procreate and natural selection chooses away from Cheetah cubs with inadequate internal trust meters.

As humans, we learn trust in much the same manner, at our perceptual or emotional level of mind through experiences and observances. We do not conceptualize or intellectualize trust we naturally feel it. Psychologists will argue that humans can experience several different types of trust issues. I agree but believe that every type of trust issue is relative to the balance or imbalance of our internal trust meter. The beautiful young woman who had experienced consecutive cheating lovers was suffering from a loss in her ability to discern trustworthy potential lovers from those who were untrustworthy. She blamed herself and felt that she was attracted to that type of man. She was half-right. Although she was not attracted to them, she was definitely attracting them. When we struggle with trust, we can treat everyone as untrustworthy and build walls around our vulnerabilities. We unwittingly repel balanced people and attract unbalanced love candidates.

Vulnerability equates to emotional nakedness and is all about trust and patience in a love relationship. There are some notable differences between men and women when it comes to their ability to share trust. Physiologically, women brains are built to enable simultaneous thinking and feeling, and they posses better language skills to express their feelings in words. Several recent neurological studies have determined that women have a larger percentage of volume in both the Broca and Wernicke areas, two important language control centers of the brain named for their discoverers.

Women also have denser Corpus Callosum fibers, a structure that connects the left and right brain hemisphere, which scientists believe facilitates faster communication between perceptual and conceptual intelligence. Additionally, women are nurtured toward cooperative behaviors often requiring open discussions of trust as part of the lessons. On the other hand, men are typically nurtured toward behaviors that are more competitive and learn to suppress or ignore their mushier feelings. This can result in trying to think through feelings for men or rather for men to bring their feelings into concept for interpretation, a result that can be lost in translation.

Men will tend to unknowingly bring their maleness to emotional discussions in love relationships and tell their female partner how they should feel or offer their problem-solving skills when empathy is required. This can create frustration for both partners and an ensuing disconnection along the emotional continuum. Many men may also close down and revert to their mental cave, or employ the male protection mechanism of anger rather than demonstrate vulnerability in an emotional conversation; it is just what they have learned to do. As such, many women tend to punish their men for not understanding or caring about their feelings; all of this unwittingly reinforces the breakdown in emotional connections and introduces trust issues to the relationship. He said, she said.

In a true love relationship, over time, trust and patience will act as a translator and provide a safe platform for both the female and male partner to express vulnerability in their respective languages, feeling and thinking. When both partners expand their comfort zones to include this type of trust, they naturally stop punishing each for their differences. They actually empower each other to share their vulnerabilities thus reinforcing emotional connections. Patience is the key as it is common to take one-step forward and, following an argument, two steps back when building a lifelong mutually naked emotional environment. It is unrealistic to expect that your partner will show vulnerability without you first demonstrating trust and patience.

Trust at all levels of mind is the strength of the base of the pillar for couples in true love and one of the keystones of emotional connection. In a true love relationship any violation of trust, intellectual, emotional, or physical no matter how insignificant is immediately recognized, explored, and reconciled. In the case of Tom and his wife, they had no real trust issue, quite the opposite. Tom felt no hesitation to share a natural instinctual attraction to another woman with his wife. They clearly have no problem with vulnerability and because this was a new sensation for Tom, he was naturally curious to learn the why. Sometimes we just line up genetically and our instincts recognize a great genetic fit through the sights, sounds, and smells of a member of the opposite sex. Controlling what happens next separates us from the Cheetahs and with a simple smile, Tom's wife was able to explore the issue and reconcile their true love relationship.

Unfortunately, for the wonderful woman who was on the receiving end of multiple infidelities her trust issue is real and all too common. When we observe bad relationships in our childhood or feel jilted by a lover, we sometimes lose the ability to trust our internal trust meter. We usually know that something is amiss prior to learning for sure about a cheating lover. The tendency is to play Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys detective to confirm what our internal trust meter is telling us.

In order to get our trust meter back in balance requires some simple easy self-help steps. Get a copy of The Artful Science of True Love. There is an entire chapter on reading perceptual (emotional) communication in others. Learn from the past and try not to live there. Women often pull up memories through thought and emotion so when a familiar situation arises, like physical attraction to a potential love relationship candidate, the memory of past male trust transgressions are felt strongly in the present. We instantly communicate these feelings on a subconscious level through our perceptual (emotional intelligence) by way of facial expressions, gestures, body language, paralinguistic utterance, and avoidance to close proximity. Quality male prospects with choices will get the message loud and clear and jump away faster than a frog on a Mississippi Hotplate. Less desirable men, in this case men with insecurities or narcissistic tendencies are attracted like moths to the flame.

Get back on the horse right away and fall off as many times as you need to become comfortable with riding again only this time validate the dating prospect prior to making an emotional investment in a love relationship. Most of us unfortunately avoid rather than face our worst fears. Avoidance certainly solves our problem today but offers zero emotional growth and that is exactly what is required to overcome trust issues forever.

Please realize that if you have trust issues in your love relationship you are not broken. It is quite common and if you need more advice than provided here to heal seek professional counseling. Get references first.

 

Where Did The Time Go? True Love May Be The Time Bandit.

Happy birthday sounds much better when you are ten than when you are one year past the mid-century mark, at least for me. I can remember when I was ten and playing on the abandoned steam shovel behind the coal region town of Kaska, Pennsylvania with my childhood friend Nemo as if it was yesterday. I can also remember going to Hershey Park in Stenny's father's car as he got his license first among our group of friends, we were 16. Those days seem to last a lot longer than the days that go by now and I believe that the proportion of time itself has something to do with it.

Proportion and imagery spoke volumes to us for millions of years before language was fashionable. Size produced some interesting survival strategies throughout the history of biological evolution by which the most recognizable is the selection of the physically bigger among prey species, effectively communicating, "Don't try to eat me, I'm too big." However, proportion has not only played an important role in evolution's grand scheme but has accompanied us individually throughout our lives on some hidden and personal levels.

Consider the first time that you ventured a visit to your elementary school after several years of enjoying alumni status. You immediately experienced an Alice in Wonderland sense of proportion and felt like you had taken the one pill that makes you larger. Many items have noticeably shrunk, desks, lockers, hallways, doors, toilets, classrooms, etc… as if the White Rabbit just played a bad joke on you. What makes this a particularly strange experience is that you don't remember these items being so small because they weren't – you were.

We can experience time in much the same proportional way. It feels as if it speeds up as we get older and most of us come to question the validity of Einstein's theory at some point in our lives. Consider the summer when you were nine or ten years old and how long that summer seemed in comparison to the same season experienced as an adult. The reality of this phenomenon is proportionally rooted in the relationship of these three months to your current life span. Simple math indicates that, for a ten year old, three months represents 1/40 of their lives while, for a thirty year old adult, three months comprises 1/120 of their lives. In this light, the effect of proportion makes the same three-month period seem to go much faster relative to the whole of one's life experiences.

The first artists were well aware of our emotional tie to proportion as reflected in several famous Venus figurines, which may also provide an example of some of the first images of love. Some figurines accentuate pregnancy and full female breasts in exaggerated proportions. I guess that pregnant women had a beautiful glow in pre-history as well. Proportion screams volumes of information to our instinctual level of intelligence under our individual rules of physical attraction when it comes to selecting a potential love partner; notably, that a well proportioned face and body is usually preferred.

Archeologists are quick to assign the emergence of conceptual intelligence and modern behavior and religious ceremonial value to these artifacts; however, they are careful not to apply the emotional state of love as a possible motivation for the tremendous caveman efforts. I would suggest just the opposite, that the artistic expressions of the time were directly tied to the newly evolved, ultimately complex emotion of love. Perhaps if archeologists spent less time digging up old bones and more time jumping new ones, they might notice the direct correlation between art and love that the rest of us archeologically challenged modern humans so easily recognize. Maybe universities should include some mandatory Meatloaf, "I would do anything for love," in their graduate level archeology curriculum.

Time represents a key line of connection along the intellectual continuum for couples in true love. True love may be the biggest time bandit of all. Arguably, our most valuable resource, how much time to spend together and how much apart, can be the source of anxiety for many couples. Charles Darwin said of time, "A man who dares to waste one hour of his life has not discovered the value of life," an inward focus of time. Charles Dickens said, "A day wasted on others is not wasted on one's self," an outward focus of time. What the two Charlies may not have known in their time is that true love really does stand the test of time, relatively speaking.

It is incredibly difficult to verbalize the time distortion phenomenon experienced by couples in a true love relationship. Every time I look for adequate words and or representations, I find the tether of math, physics, and biochemistry blocking my thoughts. Yet, every one of us who has even gone through the infatuation phase of a relationship can attest, quite accurately, to what happens to time; it speeds up when we are within reasonable proximity to our partner's stimuli and slows down when we are yearning for their sights, sounds, smells, and touch. If lovers are not accelerating, relative to the space-time they occupy, then why does time seemingly speed up? Why do most new couples look at the clock and it is suddenly 5 AM when it feels like only an hour has passed since they met for dinner at 7 PM the night before. True love couples seem to experience time in this way their whole lives.

If this phenomenon were strictly individual and imaginary then there would be no shared experience. Some people can even tap into the distortion as a third party, resulting in comments to couples of how cute they are. Falling off a cliff is as close to an accurate simile as I can find. Some recent controlled studies indicated that time distorts while falling for the individual involved in as much as reaction time speeds up relative to the "normal" condition of not falling. Falling in love has the same effect on time and I imagine that for me that is where the time went. Unfortunately that is all the time we have on this interesting topic for this time.

 

Get The True Love Edge!

During a book-signing event at the Edge in Bethlehem, PA this past Saturday, July 9, 2011, I met a couple, Heather and Bill, who were in true love. The Edge is an incredible restaurant, nightclub located in the heart of Downtown Bethlehem with a wonderful, engaged staff and fare that is sure to please the most discerning palate. In fact, at the end of the event, Becky the Barmaid delivered the best tasting Vodka Martini that I had ever tasted.

As soon as I noticed Heather and Bill, I knew immediately that they were counted among the lucky few who had discovered the secret of true love. I always enjoy talking with true love couples so I seized the first opportunity to engage them in conversation. Bill was discussing the menu with a waiter and I noticed that he had a deep confident tone to his voice. As I approached them, I said to Heather in my best James Earl Jones, "It's his voice, isn't it?" Bill, a large powerful man, snapped his head around to see what man would dare pose such a question to his wife. In an act of self preservation, I quickly placed a copy of my book The Artful Science of True Love in front of them and said, "Something tells me that I wrote this about you two." Heather stated that his voice really does turn her on and Bill gave her a look with no words that said, "You turn me on as well sweetie." It turns out that they had been married for over 15 years.

I wish that I could claim some amazing powers of observation or mystical gift that enables me to know which couples have a true love relationship and which do not. There is no mystery and even the latest neophyte to human adulthood can tell the difference in a nanosecond. Simply look at the way they look at each other when they are not looking at each other.

An easy play on words for the venue, I asked, "What gives you guys the "edge" on this love thing?" Heather answered first by stating that they were always just crazy about each other, a fair response. Bill disagreed and said the following, "You know we had our problems over the years, but seem to have grown together." No truer words have ever been spoken and therein lies the true love edge.

In all my research, writings and experience I have discovered that true love couples grow emotionally and intellectually together while other couples compromise, cope and negotiate. The difference is that as humans, when we cope or compromise we give something up in order to maintain order. When we grow, we increase our mental self. In addition, when we negotiate or cope we solve a problem today. When we grow in our perceptual (In the words of Dan Goleman, emotional) intelligence or conceptual intelligence we solve problems forever. That is the true love Edge!

 

Alpha Male Gets Crushed by Folded Napkin

Psychologists have known that the influence of peers guides our behavior and some studies have indicated that they can even influence personality development during childhood and adolescence. As adults, our friends can also have a dramatic influence on executing an approach for both the male and female components of connection and the alpha male paradox can become a brutal reality for many would be Don Juans.

Maintaining the “alpha” among a group of males in a social setting all too often becomes the objective and may result in a male not finding his balanced compliment, which was his goal in the first place. With enough alcohol-induced courage, his friends can convince him to approach an unavailable woman. In these situations, he may become so focused on the mission to prove his self-worth and his misguided love skills to his friends; that he becomes oblivious to the neon sign that the beautiful woman he is about to approach is wearing on her face. The one that reads: I am hopelessly in love with someone else and completely unavailable don’t hit on me unless you are a masochist who wants to plummet your ego into the black abyss of rejection.

It was Saint Patrick’s Day in the not so thriving metropolis of Girardville, Pa. Girardville is the typical Pennsylvania coal region town that time forgot but this was the one day each year that really rocks, with parades, public picnics, and bands spread throughout the village. The pubs fill up early and close late and empty buses that had dropped off fun people from all directions line the main street. Each year it truly is a celebration spectacle with great food, drink, and music.

I was standing at the bar in one of the Irish pubs talking with a long time friend, Mike McCord, who was a local businessman and politician when I received a tap on the shoulder. It was another local politician who we will call Joe in an attempt to protect the not so innocent. Joe was recently divorced and had subsequently dated several local women of which I was aware. He was a handsome, confident individual with the developed insight of an accomplished attorney; not a man that I would consider a player but he did have a great personality and his local fame and position of power provided a certain degree of handiness with the ladies.

He greeted both Mike and I with a traditional male quip and joined the conversation. I asked him how he was doing and he quickly explained that he and his current girlfriend had split, followed by the expected inquiry into whether Mike or I had noticed any lookers in the pub. I told him that I was developing an affinity for an unbelievably pretty blonde who was among a group of four women sitting about twenty feet away across the bar and that I had come to the knowledge that she was indeed single. He stated, “Oh buddy I saw her first!” I retorted, “I doubt that…” but before I could get another word in edgewise he interrupted with, “May the best man win.”

I couldn’t help feeling a little silly as I issued the following statement: “Ok Joe, you know me. I am an individual who usually gets what he wants and right now, I want her. In the interest of friendship and fair play, I will allow you five uninterrupted minutes to make your move. You must agree that if it doesn’t happen in the first few moments it probably won’t, right?” He agreed and I continued, “After that, I will walk right over there and sweep her off her feet.” Mike chimed in, “you guys are just pathetic, macheesemo-touting jerks, I know that girl, she is classy, owns a local hair salon, and neither one of you Neanderthals stand a chance.” I turned to Joe and asked if he knew her or had asked her out previously. He just said, “best of luck,” as if he had just left a pick-up artist class on hooking-up and he was off. I chuckled to myself in appreciation of his enthusiasm.

I was staring intently at the pretty woman even as Joe left our position at the bar. I got lucky and caught her eye before Joe arrived at his destination and provided a grand smile with an accompanying forward rolling right hand gesture while turning my eyes to Joe. She must have thought that this was peculiar because she looked perplexed but didn’t immediately turn away so I followed with a few head nods and a wait a minute hand signal. She just shrugged her shoulders, smiled, gave an additional look of questioning, and then turned back to her friends. Mike just looked at me and shook his head in disapproval to the whole affair.

As I recall, she was something to behold in that pub that day. Her body language and mannerisms were fun and naturally comfortable, not that of an inviting woman on the make but more of one enjoying sharing great contentment with her friends. She had big, sexy, long blonde hair flowing in harmonic style several inches beyond her shoulders. A face to launch another thousand ships complete with proportioned features and skin that screamed youthful perfection. A mesmerizing, confident smile that could stop a charging bull rhino in his tracks surrounded by a set of pretty, full, collagen free lips, insatiable big blue eyes, the rare blue a shade closer to cyan than the more typical reflex blue of most aspiring irises. And a body that could be the envy of Marilyn herself encased in some exceptionally simple yet stylish, very lucky garments. Every guy in the joint had cast more than a casual glance her way, drinks from would-be suitors were piling up in front of her like a champagne waterfall, and I didn’t blame Joe one bit for wanting first dibs.

By now, Joe had engaged the group of women and jumped into the deep end of the pool and I was intermittently checking his game from afar while continuing business discussions with Mike. He must have been telling some great stories as the girls were laughing and appearing quite entertained. I also know that he referenced Mike and me because, several times, all in unison they threw a look our way. At one point, I couldn’t help but notice an aggressive hand movement on Joe’s part aimed directly at our mutual prospect and wondered to myself if he actually touched her. I felt a little anxious, jealous even and remember checking my watch to see if the agreed time had elapsed.

Finally, the five minutes were up and I knew I had better head over to Joe and the group of women before the next Valentino attempted to move into position. I excused myself from McCord, made my way through the crowd, and was quickly shoulder-to-shoulder with Joe who was still facing and still fully engaged in conversation with the group of women. I waited for an appropriate break in the dialogue and in a low but audible tone for all to hear with eyes focused on the blonde, not Joe, said, “My turn.” Upon approach, I slipped this incredible woman a hastily written note on a once folded napkin across the bar top in such a manner that she could easily open and privately read the words. As she refolded the napkin and her eyes glanced upward to meet mine, I emphatically said the following, “I have an immediate opening on my dance card.” The secret words on the napkin worked like a charm because she smiled the most smug, ingratiating smile and replied, “I couldn’t help but notice you from across the bar.” My next words were, “Let us waste no time,” as I reached for her hand and proceeded to lead her to the dance floor, I caught a fleeting glimpse of amazement and simultaneous despair on Joe’s face.

Crushing the "Alpha Male" with a Folded Napkin.

Psychologists have known that the influence of peers guides our behavior and some studies have indicated that they can even influence personality development during childhood and adolescence. As adults, our friends can also have a dramatic influence on executing an approach for both the male and female components of connection and the alpha male paradox can become a brutal reality for many would be Don Juans.

Maintaining the "alpha" among a group of males in a social setting all too often becomes the objective and may result in a male not finding his balanced compliment, which was his goal in the first place. With enough alcohol-induced courage, his friends can convince him to approach an unavailable woman. In these situations, he may become so focused on the mission to prove his self-worth and his misguided love skills to his friends; that he becomes oblivious to the neon sign that the beautiful woman he is about to approach is wearing on her face. The one that reads:  I am hopelessly in love with someone else and completely unavailable don't hit on me unless you are a masochist who wants to plummet your ego into the black abyss of rejection.

It was Saint Patrick's Day in the not so thriving metropolis of Girardville, Pa.  Girardville is the typical Pennsylvania coal region town that time forgot but this was the one day each year that really rocks, with parades, public picnics, and bands spread throughout the village. The pubs fill up early and close late and empty buses that had dropped off fun people from all directions line the main street. Each year it truly is a celebration spectacle with great food, drink, and music.

I was standing at the bar in one of the Irish pubs talking with a long time friend, Mike McCord, who was a local businessman and politician when I received a tap on the shoulder. It was another local politician who we will call Joe in an attempt to protect the not so innocent. Joe was recently divorced and had subsequently dated several local women of which I was aware. He was a handsome, confident individual with the developed insight of an accomplished attorney; not a man that I would consider a player but he did have a great personality and his local fame and position of power provided a certain degree of handiness with the ladies.

He greeted both Mike and I with a traditional male quip and joined the conversation.  I asked him how he was doing and he quickly explained that he and his current girlfriend had split, followed by the expected inquiry into whether Mike or I had noticed any lookers in the pub.  I told him that I was developing an affinity for an unbelievably pretty blonde who was among a group of four women sitting about twenty feet away across the bar and that I had come to the knowledge that she was indeed single.  He stated, "Oh buddy I saw her first!"  I retorted, "I doubt that…" but before I could get another word in edgewise he interrupted with, "May the best man win."

I couldn't help feeling a little silly as I issued the following statement:  "Ok Joe, you know me.  I am an individual who usually gets what he wants and right now, I want her.  In the interest of friendship and fair play, I will allow you five uninterrupted minutes to make your move.  You must agree that if it doesn't happen in the first few moments it probably won't, right?"  He agreed and I continued, "After that, I will walk right over there and sweep her off her feet."  Mike chimed in, "you guys are just pathetic, macheesemo-touting jerks, I know that girl, she is classy, owns a local hair salon, and neither one of you Neanderthals stand a chance."  I turned to Joe and asked if he knew her or had asked her out previously.  He just said, "best of luck," as if he had just left a pick-up artist class on hooking-up and he was off. I chuckled to myself in appreciation of his enthusiasm.

I was staring intently at the pretty woman even as Joe left our position at the bar.  I got lucky and caught her eye before Joe arrived at his destination and provided a grand smile with an accompanying forward rolling right hand gesture while turning my eyes to Joe.  She must have thought that this was peculiar because she looked perplexed but didn't immediately turn away so I followed with a few head nods and a wait a minute hand signal. She just shrugged her shoulders, smiled, gave an additional look of questioning, and then turned back to her friends. Mike just looked at me and shook his head in disapproval to the whole affair.

As I recall, she was something to behold in that pub that day. Her body language and mannerisms were fun and naturally comfortable, not that of an inviting woman on the make but more of one enjoying sharing great contentment with her friends. She had big, sexy, long blonde hair flowing in harmonic style several inches beyond her shoulders. A face to launch another thousand ships complete with proportioned features and skin that screamed youthful perfection. A mesmerizing, confident smile that could stop a charging bull rhino in his tracks surrounded by a set of pretty, full, collagen free lips, insatiable big blue eyes, the rare blue a shade closer to cyan than the more typical reflex blue of most aspiring irises. And a body that could be the envy of Marilyn herself encased in some exceptionally simple yet stylish, very lucky garments. Every guy in the joint had cast more than a casual glance her way, drinks from would-be suitors were piling up in front of her like a champagne waterfall, and I didn't blame Joe one bit for wanting first dibs.

By now, Joe had engaged the group of women and jumped into the deep end of the pool and I was intermittently checking his game from afar while continuing business discussions with Mike. He must have been telling some great stories as the girls were laughing and appearing quite entertained. I also know that he referenced Mike and me because, several times, all in unison they threw a look our way. At one point, I couldn't help but notice an aggressive hand movement on Joe's part aimed directly at our mutual prospect and wondered to myself if he actually touched her. I felt a little anxious, jealous even and remember checking my watch to see if the agreed time had elapsed.

Finally, the five minutes were up and I knew I had better head over to Joe and the group of women before the next Valentino attempted to move into position. I excused myself from McCord, made my way through the crowd, and was quickly shoulder-to-shoulder with Joe who was still facing and still fully engaged in conversation with the group of women. I waited for an appropriate break in the dialogue and in a low but audible tone for all to hear with eyes focused on the blonde, not Joe, said, "My turn." Upon approach, I slipped this incredible woman a hastily written note on a once folded napkin across the bar top in such a manner that she could easily open and privately read the words.  As she refolded the napkin and her eyes glanced upward to meet mine, I emphatically said the following, "I have an immediate opening on my dance card."  The secret words on the napkin worked like a charm because she smiled the most smug, ingratiating smile and replied, "I couldn't help but notice you from across the bar."  My next words were, "Let us waste no time," as I reached for her hand and proceeded to lead her to the dance floor, I caught a fleeting glimpse of amazement and simultaneous despair on Joe's face.

 

To Hell With True Love – I Want Friends With Benefits!

Friends with Benefits is Hollywood's second installment of 2011 on substituting casual sex for a real love relationship. A Screen Gems release scheduled to hit theatres on 22 July, the film stars Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. The movie comes on the coat tails of Paramount's No Strings Attached starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher released in January. In addition to the two movies, a new NBC sitcom Friends with Benefits is scheduled to premiere on August 5. Is Hollywood trying to proclaim 2011 as the year that America finally comes to grips with the sexual revolution? It has been over fifty years since the "summer of love", yet this year's Hollywood propagated casual sex theme seems vaguely familiar. Maybe Timothy Leary and the rock opera Hair were on to something in the sixties. Not!

The term "friends with benefits" was coined ten years ago, around the turn of the century. It originally referred to college and high school teenagers practicing casual sex without the commitment of a love relationship. Often applied to oral sex acts between teenagers of the day, the phrase also carried a generational rebel yell in response to the cultural pressure to practice safe sex. Although the term may be trendy, coming of age young adults have explored their sexuality since we donned the first loincloths, so the concept is any thing but new.

In the context of the movie, the casual partners are adults not sexual neophytes learning about the mystery of sex; and therein lies the lie. When applied to sane, sober adults Friends with Benefits is simply not desirable. It is a good bet that one of the partners is lying about their emotional and intellectual disconnection, and secretly desires something more. It is impossible for the average human to separate the instinctual level of mind from their perceptual and conceptual levels and participate in repetitive, mechanical sex with the same partner without developing emotional and/or intellectual ties. I would like to meet the adult woman and man who could share carnal knowledge on a regular basis where neither develops a true love fantasy about the other. In a random poll of 50 men and 50 women between the ages of 21 and 40, not one person stated that they would prefer a "friends with benefits" relationship over true love. Giving the devil his due, the contrived, predictable plot line of the movie reflects reality as the casual sexual partners eventually develop feelings for each other.

Unfortunately, many of us may relate to the title of the movie for a different reason and associate the idea of "friends with benefits" to the emotional and intellectual disconnections of our own failed love relationships. We can recall turning to familiar sex as an attempt to cope with relationship discourse. As the movie illustrates, sex is a poor substitute for true love and only provides a fleeting reprieve from the sources of disconnection and frustration. It is common for couples in a troubled relationship to employ the "friends with benefits" strategy in order to recapture the infatuation of their early throes of romance. Although a great idea, without the knowledge to achieve real emotional and intellectual growth, sex by itself is usually not enough to save the relationship.

Here is the good news. If you are like most mentally healthy and not chemically dependent adults and looking for true love versus "friends with benefits," it may be easier to find than you think. The balanced instinctual, emotional, and intellectual connections shared between love partners, true love, is the pinnacle of love relationships. In order to achieve an enduring true love there are only two requirements. First, a strong mutual physical attraction must exist between partners. Second, both partners must be willing to grow by valuing each other's emotional and intellectual behaviors.

Be mindful of the implied assumption of a mutual physical attraction because this is not always the case among adults. Some adults are fully capable of entering a love relationship devoid of an instinctual physical attraction to their partner, but openly proclaim attraction through words. Commonly referred to as trapping behavior, the reasons include dating fatigue, gold, gospel, glory, convenience, and sex. These love traps can be the cruelest of true love buzz kills because they frequently involve a lesser partner relationship. That is when one partner has a strong physical attraction and the other is a friend receiving benefits. If your love relationship is devoid of a strong mutual physical attraction, it is a safe bet that at some point, one of you will be looking for something more.

Growth through valuing our partner's feelings and thoughts sounds easy but isn't. Many of us will spend our lives seeking the comfort of a "compatible" love partner or settling for a "friends with benefits" arrangement in order to avoid this mental growth. We cause relationship friction when we think in terms of right and wrong. If we open up the options from only right and wrong in a given area to accept that there are other methods, approaches, points of view, behaviors, etc. … that are not necessarily wrong, just different, then we can feel safe exploring our partners behaviors. Providing a safe mental environment for our partner to do the same is essential for the connections of true love to form.

When the connections of true love are established, they blend these levels of mind in the now through enjoying the physical, creating a balanced emotional state, and expanding conscious horizons for both individuals. This promise is why we try so hard to find true love or attempt to reestablish it when it goes missing. Friends with Benefits may provide entertainment at the box office but as a life style it just doesn't stack up to the real thing.