Donald Miller's Blog, page 46

Why You Fear Intimacy

Dear Friends,

It took me 42 years to get married. It took me that long to risk being myself with a woman, to risk being known. Before that, I was convinced if anybody really knew me they wouldn’t love me. So rather than being myself, I acted like somebody who I thought people would like. I played a role. And it almost cost me my soul. And my life.

My new book Scary Close comes out in a matter of days. There’s a chapter in the book in which I talk about the three things that kept me from being intimate.

The first thing was that I believed I had to be perfect or nobody would accept me. Over time, though, I noticed people tend to be drawn to those who are comfortable in their own skin, regardless of their flaws.

The second thing I realized was that most of the fears I experienced about getting close to somebody were actually just me being afraid of change. Even though I was lonely, I was comfortable because loneliness had become familiar and intimacy was so unfamiliar.

I wonder how many people miss out on a great life because they’re comfortable in their mediocre life?

Finally, the third thing that kept me from intimacy was a lack of trust. Deep down I realized I believed people weren’t good and couldn’t be trusted. In other words, I refused to trust people because I didn’t believe they could be trusted in the first place. And trust is the foundation of intimacy.

It was quite an adventure figuring out how to love and be loved. I wish the path was straight and easy, or there was a formula, but I don’t know that there is. I can only tell you I have intimacy with a number of people now and it feels as though my soul is finally being fed.

If you’ve ever struggled with getting close to somebody, I’m including the chapter I mentioned earlier in this blog. It’s yours for free. You can get it by clicking here.

Sometimes the solution to our frustration is a simple paradigm shift, a slightly different way to view life. I hope there’s a paradigm shift in this chapter for you.

Hoping this book helps us all get a little closer. So grateful.

Sincerely,

Donald Miller

P.S. If you’d like to pre-order the book, you can order it from Amazon or grab an autographed copy from Barnes & Noble. Make sure to visit www.scaryclose.com and enter your receipt number to get the audiobook of Blue Like Jazz for free. We will e-mail you a link right away so you can download it. You’ll also get a free soundtrack to the book with music from Ben Rector, Sleeping at Last, Jon Foreman from Switchfoot, Andrew Belle and a ton of other amazing artists. I just called them and asked them if they’d donate a song about getting “scary close” and they each sent something beautiful for you to listen to.

Why You Fear Intimacy is a post from: Storyline Blog

How to Tell If You’re Codependent

Whenever I spend time with Henry Cloud, author of the book Boundaries, I feel like I’m meeting with Yoda. Only he’s not as old and much taller. But it’s crazy to me how perceptive he is about relationships.

Once I complained to him about another leader who was stealing money from people by lying to them. I complained for a few minutes and he asked if I was going to do anything about it. I wasn’t. Plenty of people already were. I had no intention of doing anything about it.

“Then why is this guy getting under your skin?” Henry said. “He has nothing to do with you.”

He was right, of course.

I was just complaining for the sake of complaining, getting worked up for the sake of drama. And it was costing me.

I wondered what it would be like to be Henry, to only have on your plate what belongs on your plate. To only be concerned with the things in life that actually should concern you. To leave other people’s drama alone. Of course Henry wasn’t talking about turning a blind eye to injustice; he was talking about all the stuff we get ourselves involved in that we shouldn’t, namely, the lives of other people.

There’s a word for people who feel too much of other people’s emotions, who involve themselves so deeply in the lives of others that their personal well being rides like a roller coaster based on the thoughts and actions of others.

That word is codependency.

And it ruins relationships.

Not long before Betsy and I got married, we attended the wedding of a friend in which Henry officiated. In the ceremony, he explained rather directly that the more the couple is independent, the more they can be one. They’d have to know where they began and ended in order to truly connect.

I have another friend, Al Andrews, who won’t do a marriage ceremony unless when the unity candle is lit, the couple neglects to blow out the individual candle. His point is, you both keep on burning, shining, and living independently even though you also shine, burn, and live as one.

The self does not die.

The self only changes, and hopefully becomes more beautiful.

I talk in Scary Close about how much codependency ruined my early relationships. I’m so grateful, marrying Betsy, to know that she is she and I am me and we are independently together. I’d say that idea alone has saved us a hundred arguments.

Don’s new book about getting Scary Close releases in two weeks. You can order it now on Amazon, or if you’d like an autographed copy, you can order one from Barnes & Noble. If you order before February 3rd, you get a free audio book of Blue Like Jazz! Just submit your receipt number at www.scaryclose.com.

How to Tell If You’re Codependent is a post from: Storyline Blog

Do Men Really Rescue Women?

The day I got married, at the ripe-old age of 42, I did not feel like I was rescuing my bride. In fact, I felt like I had been rescued. Not just by her but by a host of friends, God, and no shortage of therapists.

I do understand the gender stereotypes of strong men sweeping beautiful women off their feet. I think there is some fantasy in there that’s based in true desire. And I like being both a protector and provider. Making money and protecting our home, and for that matter the hearts of my family, give me a strong sense of satisfaction. But rescue a woman? That seems more the stuff of romance novels than real life. As my friend Carlos Whitaker told me, for him, dating was like a fairy tale and marriage was a whole different book, a book about real life.

He had to close the fairy tale.

He closed the fairy tale in which he played a role and started the hard work of real life in which he let the truth about himself be known.

For years, I tried to play the role of hero in dating relationships. In fact, something was so broken in me that on a couple occasions I found myself attracted to women with a slight victim mindset.

What would happen is I’d date them because it made me feel strong, but then I would start resenting them because they were in it for a free ride. They wanted to be beautiful and their beauty entitled them to a wonderful life. No work or engaging with reality required. So of course I’d begin to resent them.

Then everything always turned ugly.

It wasn’t until I got some help—and realized I was no hero, no Prince Charming, no Knight in Shining Armor—that my relationships started getting better.

I was just a broken dude who had a lot of work to do. That’s not to say strength isn’t required from a man in a healthy relationship-it is. But strength and health are also required of a woman. As much as a man may be attracted to the Knight in Shining Armor role, it most often fails. It’s the humble, honest, broken but willing servant who wins in the end.

And for the life of me, why a woman would want to position herself as the helpless damsel in distress is beyond me.

My wife is not weak; she’s strong.

As am I. But in the end, it’s both of us who felt rescued that day. We felt provided for, like we were getting something we didn’t deserve, like a community had come together saying “we’ve got you and we believe in you.”

I like that story, not because it gives me the opportunity to play a role, but because it’s true. I firmly believe the truth will win the day.

Whatever is true is strong. Everything else is just theater.

Don’s new book about getting Scary Close releases in two weeks. You can order it now on Amazon, or if you’d like an autographed copy, you can order one from Barnes & Noble. If you order before February 3rd, you get a free audio book of Blue Like Jazz! Just submit your receipt number at www.scaryclose.com.

Do Men Really Rescue Women? is a post from: Storyline Blog

People Who Hide Parts of Themselves Will Never Feel Loved

Most of us are 90% known, even by our most intimate companions. We live in a fear that if people really know about that one thing, or this one character flaw, they won’t love or respect us. And to some degree this is true. There really are people out there looking for the flaws in others so they can pounce. But the reality is this:

Most people aren’t that way.

The overwhelming majority of people in the world may be broken, but they’re safe. And by safe, I mean you can trust them with your flaws.

What suffers when we fail to let ourselves be known is our emotional health. Being accepted as we are by others, without conditions, is the stuff that feeds our souls. And when we hide ourselves, we remove these nutrients from our relationships.

Our souls begin to atrophy.

The reality is people who allow themselves to be known are often even more respected than those who don’t. It’s as though they’ve learned to lose a thousand battles to win the war. In the end, we trust and are comforted by those who are brave enough to be known.

My friend Glennon Melton is like this. She recently told the story of an interview she did in which she was asked what her favorite movie was. She could have said Schindler’s List or Shawshank Redemption, just to fit in and be perceived as sophisticated, but none of those movies were her favorite.

Her favorite movie was Elf.

And she said it. And she and the host of the interview laughed, and that is precisely why people love her so much. She’s willing to be herself. To be known. And so her soul gets fed.

One of the things I want to do more of in 2015 is to allow myself to be more known.

Don’s new book about getting Scary Close releases in two weeks. You can order it now on Amazon, or if you’d like an autographed copy, you can order one from Barnes & Noble. If you order before February 3rd, you get a free audio book of Blue Like Jazz! Just submit your receipt number at www.scaryclose.com.

People Who Hide Parts of Themselves Will Never Feel Loved is a post from: Storyline Blog

How You Can Change Your Friends with a Few Words

The older I get the more I realize there are three major things that shape us: food, water, and words. And the one that shapes us most is words.

As I talked about in the video above, it was the words of my friend Bob that talked me off a ledge, many years ago. I’d failed in yet another relationship, and Bob was the one who called and told me who I was. He said, “Don, you’re good at relationships.”

He looked deep inside me.

And he saw something different than was being displayed on the surface. He saw somebody different, somebody better. It was as though he was nourishing a seed deep in my soul—a seed that, within a couple years would grow and flourish and become the person he was telling me I already was.

In stories, lead characters don’t win the day on their own. It almost never happens. Nobody reading a story about a guy who saves the day without help would believe the story. So as stories have evolved, storytellers invented a whole new character to bring into the story. I call that character the guide. Yoda was a guide. Haymitch was a guide. Q in the James Bond movies acts as a guide.

And the guides give confidence to the heroes.

They give them a plan and a pat on the back and a call to action to go and win the day.

And there’s another thing guides do in stories. They let the hero know, at the end of the story, that he or she has changed. That he or she is in fact now brave, courageous, and accomplished. In other words, they name the hero.

At the end of the movie Moneyball, Peter Brand, played by Jonah Hill, sits Billy Beane, played by Brad Pitt, down to have an important conversation. They’d had an incredible season with the Oakland A’s but Billy still doesn’t believe in himself.

He doesn’t believe he did anything good.

So Peter sits him down and shows him a video of a heavy-set triple A baseball player who has always been afraid to round 1st. He was a pretty good hitter, but rarely hit a double because he was too slow. One day the hitter decided to go for it. He was going to try to hit a double. He hit the ball squarely, put his head down, and plowed toward first. And then disaster happened. He tripped on the first-base bag.

Peter Brand paused the image and Billy Beane laughed. Poor guy, Billy said. Everybody’s laughing at him.

Peter hit play again.

Yes, Peter said. But they’re not laughing because he fell down. The video revealed the player crawling back toward first, trying not to get thrown out. But the first baseman helped him up and pointed toward the outfield. The player had hit a home run. He’d cleared the fence by 60 feet.

There was some silence in the room as the player went on to round the bases. It’s a metaphor, Peter said. You hit a home run and you don’t know it.

This moment reminds me of a scene in my wedding. Just before the ceremony, Bob came over and said it to me again. He said, Don, you’re good at relationships.

This time, I believed him.

I mean I had work to do still, but it was Bob’s way of saying, see, I told you so. See what you did. See who you are.

We need more friends like that. Friends who nourish the seed of goodness inside of us. It’s their words that will make the seed grow.

Don’s new book about getting Scary Close releases in two weeks. You can order it now on Amazon, or if you’d like an autographed copy, you can order one from Barnes & Noble. If you order before February 3rd, you get a free audio book of Blue Like Jazz! Just submit your receipt number at www.scaryclose.com.

How You Can Change Your Friends with a Few Words is a post from: Storyline Blog

Why Conflict Isn’t a Reason to Quit

I am a stubborn person. My wife, Melissa, is a stubborn person. We both might contest this depending on our disposition at the time, but by doing so we would only prove the point.

And the Lord said, “the two stubborn people shall be made One.”

If He wasn’t God, I would question His integrity.

I’d question Him, because I was cooking dinner the other night when for the umpteenth time, in the midst of a series of difficult culinary techniques (chopping, sautéing…my motor skills are not the best), Melissa insisted on trying to clean up the kitchen.

This was a problem for me.

I operate in the kitchen as a not-so-benevolent dictator. So I went all Gordon Ramsey: “Get out of my kitchen!” This is what they call in military warfare a “disproportionate response.”

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

All of our relationships are littered with trivial, temporal conflicts like these that mark them. Our lives are filled with tension points that test the durability of our faithfulness to a person, a goal, a dream.

How are we to approach these conflicts?

How are we to evaluate them?

There is one way that prioritizes our limits. It suggests that we should have in mind a threshold, an acceptable level of infractions—in severity and occasion—that when crossed, prudence demands that we cut and run. It is a view that is short-sighted and immediate: “what have you done for me lately?”

This way makes commitment circumstantial, and our present comfort an idol.

There is another way that did not come easy to me until I was forced to make the commitment in advance. This way focuses not on our limits or our self-protection, but on love, on the idea that commitment bears fruit we could not have anticipated at its inception.

This is the way of a significant life.

It provides a barrier against the rationalization that can too easily defeat yesterday’s promises with today’s predicaments. It allows us to have confidence in the decisions we make today, because we know those decisions will have meaning and relevance tomorrow.

Of course, if we are to take on this life, it requires some changes:

Guard your “yes” carefully. The best way to protect our commitments is to not make them lightly. (tweet this link)

This is a problem for those of us who hate closing a door or disappointing people, but it is necessary. It has helped me to remember that each “no” that I give to someone is a “yes” to my priorities, my relationships, and the commitments I have already made.

Maintain wise counsel. We need people who look out for us. If our eyes are not always on the exit ramp, we need people who love us enough to let us know when they should be, and to give them enough insight into our lives that they can offer good advice.

When we choose to live a significant life, conflicts and obstacles transform from reasons to quit to reminders of why we made the commitment in the first place. They turn into monuments, milestones, on the way to the fulfillment of the promise we made. They urge us on toward a hard-fought victory.

Melissa and I are still stubborn people.

But with each momentary conflict, our love grows stronger, more durable. We are stubbornly in love. And slowly, but surely, whenever Gordon Ramsey decides to show up, we’re both learning to just tell him to calm the heck down.

And we move on: toward that goal we both have in mind.

Why Conflict Isn’t a Reason to Quit is a post from: Storyline Blog

Why I’m Not More Public About My Faith

Occasionally I get criticized for being less public about my faith than others. This criticism always strikes me as odd because I’ve written six or seven books largely about faith, but nevertheless, I understand where it’s coming from.

Many are willing to take public stands on issues, tweet daily scriptures, chime in on wide church arguments and so forth. I normally don’t, and that can at times seem as though I’m not willing to publicly identify my faith as loudly.

But nothing could be further from the truth.

The truth is, I think a public display of faith is fine and honors God unless that public display is really about generating a certain reputation in a religious community.

Many of us who grew up in the church understand how this works. People who are the most zealous often rise to the top in the small sub-culture of evangelicalism, especially in the microcosm of a given church.

But moderation about such outward displays should be governed by scripture itself.

Let’s listen to what Jesus says.

Here’s what He says on the issue in the book of Matthew:

“Be especially careful when you are trying to do good so that you don’t make a performance out of it.”

“When you do something good for someone else, don’t call attention to yourself. You’ve seen them in action, I’m sure – playactors I call them – treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds.”

“When you come before God, don’t turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom.”

Again, these aren’t the words of a preacher or a Christian writer; these are the words of Christ. (Matthew 6)

The reality is, Jesus doesn’t need for us to put on a show. He doesn’t need for us to kneel in the end zone, engage in controlling conversations, or argue theology over twitter.

Instead, there is power in quiet.

There is power in private spirituality. If we want to see change, we can pray, and we can have one-on-one conversations. When we switch from a loud, showy public faith to a private, quiet faith we will find God begins to work and we don’t have to work as hard.

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

This is a tough topic because it’s all about motives. Who am I to say whether somebody is sincere? I can’t. But God can. And He knows our hearts better than we do.

For me, I don’t want to make a show of my faith. I believe it’s a sin and in direct disobedience to Christ. If I were a football player, I would not pray in the endzone. I’d pray before and after the game, or perhaps with other players. But I see a real problem with making a public show of faith.

So here’s a challenge:

Try going one month practicing your faith in relative privacy. If you meet somebody you want to help, help them in secret. Rather than arguing, simply pray. Rather than fighting, pray for justice. And don’t tell anybody you’re doing it. Keep a journal and see what happens. My guess is you’ll get more “work done” for the kingdom by trusting it actually exists than a person does who trades on the values of God’s kingdom as social commodity.

We know this: God honors sincerity. He honors truth. Why tempt ourselves to have false motives? Let’s remove ourselves from those temptations just as we would any other sin.

So where is the line for you? What’s the difference between a religious show and practicing your faith in community?

Why I’m Not More Public About My Faith is a post from: Storyline Blog

Pay Attention to What Makes You Come Alive

I once heard my friend Steve Moakler say, “Pay attention to the people and things that make you come alive.” He was making the point that the stuff that makes us come alive is a great way to learn what to pursue in our own lives.

This concept of chasing the things I loved was instilled in me early on, thanks to my mom. I remember her encouraging me to go wherever I wanted to go when I was looking at colleges. At the time, I wasn’t sure exactly where that was. I decided to stick around Kansas City for a couple years to think more intentionally about college, and then for my junior year, I decided to follow my love for music and give Belmont University a try.

I picked up and moved to Nashville.

Living in a city full of musicians as a musician is either incredibly inspiring and motivates you to work harder, or it does the exact opposite. The culture of the city made me come alive. It gave me a desire to learn as much about the industry of creatives and the players involved as I possibly could. I made a list of artists I wanted to meet and hoped to one day connect with these people to gain insight on their lives and the decisions they’d made to get to where they were at.

Through several conversations with touring musicians over the years, I learned about the tension they all lived in — loving their art, but also having to balance new and exciting opportunities while keeping their families in mind.

Fortunately and unfortunately, the more I learned about the lifestyle, the less I saw myself in it long term.

I heard a lot about being gone.

There was a common tension about having to travel and be away from family in order to make money. I could sense their constant distractedness in public, due to being noticed or approached by fans. I recognized their insecurity while performing, not knowing how many people would show up and buy their records and thus, provide meals for their families the upcoming week.

Photo Credit: Incase

Learning these things did the opposite of making me come alive.

But there were some things about their lives that did make me come alive. Traveling and seeing new ways of life had a way of broadening their perspective. Performing for fans meant conversing with new people each and everyday, people they never would have encountered if they’d just stayed home. Touring also sounded like an adventure, full of memories and life-long stories. That sounded interesting to me.

So what did I do?

I lived it out so that I could feel both of these perspectives for myself. I wanted to know which experiences would make me come alive. I decided to release some of my own music and travel. Sure, there was a pressure to sell records, but also a joy in connecting with new people and traveling that I had never felt before. In time, I leaned more into the idea of pursuing the aspects of the lifestyle I enjoyed, while trying to eliminate the negative stuff.

Would it be possible to still connect with new people and travel occasionally without the complete lifestyle of a musician? I kept making tweaks to my life, pursuing the stuff I knew made me come alive, not knowing where it would all take me at the time.

Eight years later, I’m no longer pursuing music. I decided that lifestyle wasn’t for me.

And that’s okay!

The pursuit wasn’t a failure because it helped clarify the things in me that I ended up working toward. The love of connecting with people and traveling has not ceased, so I keep that a part of my life. While I love being home with my wife, I enjoy hopping on the road for a couple days a month. That pace is sustainable for me and also gives me energy and inspiration.

As you enter 2015, take some time to consider what Steve said. Who are the people and what are the things that make you come alive? How can you live each day to move closer to those things? What idea or dream do you need to try out?

Chase what makes you come alive.

Pay Attention to What Makes You Come Alive is a post from: Storyline Blog

How I Got Much Better at Communication

I really like writing and speaking, but I’ve not always been good at it. I was told early on I was funny, but I’ve worked for the past fifteen years or so at becoming a better communicator. I could share with you a list of things I’ve learned, but honestly, that list wouldn’t do you much good. Every speaker and writer is different.

So, instead, I’ll share with you one simple secret: Every time I do a Storyline Conference, I pay people to give me criticism.

I really mean it.

I fly them in, I pay them a small fee, and I get together with them at a later date to hear, from their perspective, how I can do better.

Some of these are experts on comedy, some on psychology, some on theology, and even an expert on creating great keynote slides.

And I take their opinions seriously. They take notes and we go through their notes detail by detail. I don’t make every change they recommend, but I make most of them.

Photo Credit: Spencer Combs

The number one comment we get from former Storyline attendees is that it gets better and better each time. Our communication is more clear, our process is easy to understand and truly life changing, and people are more easily connecting with me while I’m presenting.

We will never be a polished conference.

That’s not who we are. We are authentic and we take huge risks letting our guests be themselves. But in whatever we do, we want to make sure we are never wasting anybody’s time.

So, here’s what this has to do with you:

What line of work are you in? And are you accepting criticism? Are you learning from it and getting better?

This is a concept we must be careful with because not all criticism is helpful.

Here are my keys to whom I take criticism from:

1. I invite experts to criticize me. I give them specific parameters (though I’m open to anything) and ask them to help me understand what’s working and not working. These are people who are learned in their fields, experienced, and have a track record of success. I value their perspectives.

2. I choose people who are for me and for Storyline. They need to love our mission and our audience. This helps me receive even their harshest criticisms.

3. I make myself love the mission more than my own identity. This is, of course, the key to any great leader. Do they love the mission more than himself or herself? If I sit with a critic and take things personally, I’ll cry myself to sleep. I get plenty of affirmation, but when I sit down with a critic, that’s not the point. The point is, how can we love the Storyline community even more?

Are there people in your life you can accept criticism from? And not just in your work. What about your marriage and your family? Do you teach Sunday School? Is there somebody you trust to get together with to critique your teaching?

If you want to rise to the top, accept some pruning now and then. Allow some people to tell you where you need to trim your limbs so you can produce more fruit in the future.

The people listening to you are worth it.

How I Got Much Better at Communication is a post from: Storyline Blog

The Secret to Being Liked

I took the girls to see the Humane Society Cats again yesterday.

Each girl was immediately drawn to a particular kitten. I had a favorite too. I secretly named her Maleficent because she was dark and regal and full of dignity. Tish, Amma, and I quietly snuggled with our favorites for a while. Then I looked at Tish and said, “Why is that one your favorite? What do you like so much about that one?”

Tish looked down at her kitten and said, “I think because she likes me. She came over and wanted to play with me.”

Then Amma spoke up.

“Me too. I like mine because she likes me. She keeps staying close to me and looking up at me.”

Hm. I was surprised. I was expecting the girls to say: I like that she’s fluffy, I like that this one’s striped. I like that this one’s energetic.

Photo Credit: Vancouver Film School

But they didn’t say that at all. They just said: I like the one that likes me.

So I looked down at Maleficent and thought, “Huh. Same here.” I didn’t even notice that she was regal and dignified and warm until she came over and sat with me.

First, she liked me.

Then, I liked her.

I really, really think the secret to being loved is to love. And the secret to being interesting is to be interested. And the secret to having a friend is being a friend.

Why don’t we want to believe that? We insist that we need to be the smartest kitten or the most interesting kitten or the most successful kitten or the most beautiful kitten to get people’s attention.

But maybe we don’t.

Maybe we just have to show a little interest. Maybe the surest way to be liked by people is simply to like people.

But that’s a risk right? To openly like someone? To admit to someone: I like you. I’d like to spend time with you today. It’s to risk rejection. It’s vulnerability. It’s brave.

Be brave today. Like somebody.

The Secret to Being Liked is a post from: Storyline Blog