Donald Miller's Blog, page 42

How to Know If You’re Dealing with a Manipulator

A few years ago, I started studying manipulative people. And I started studying them after having been completely taken in over the last several years by a few of them. You just assume all people are good and honest and it’s a shock and borderline offensive to think they aren’t, but the truth is some people are a lot more manipulative than others.

The bottom line is manipulative people try to trick you into siding with them or submitting to their will without directly asking you to do so.

They like to trick people into things.

Whether it’s a business deal or romantic relationship, manipulative people will use guilt, shame, lies and trickery to get what they want.

I’ve been trying to identify the kinds of manipulators I see in the world, for my own personal protection. There are false victims, dramatics, bullies and so on. But there’s one common denominator. It’s important and it’s this: Manipulators have a very difficult time admitting they are wrong.

If I have one piece of advice it’s to never work, fall in love with or for that matter walk a dog for anybody who has a hard time articulating their faults or mistakes.

People who cannot articulate their faults or mistakes see life as a game. They are keeping score.

And they intend to win.

They want you to submit but have no intention of submitting themselves. Theirs is not a world where we are supposed to create intimacy and trust through grace, but a world where we are supposed to accumulate power and security by tricking the people around us.

The best book I’ve read about manipulators is a book called Who’s Pulling Your Strings by Harriet Braiker.

I would never have agreed with the idea that some people should be avoided because they’re manipulators ten years ago.

But I live by that idea now.

And I’m happier.

I have a friend at the Department of Justice who once said to me “Don, 90% of people’s problems could be solved if they just chose the right people to work with or to love.”

It took me awhile, but I agree with him.

Stay away from manipulators. If they can’t articulate their mistakes or faults, they’re pretending to be superhuman and they’re playing a game. And you can be sure, you’ll lose.

How to Know If You’re Dealing with a Manipulator is a post from: Storyline Blog

What Tools Do You Really Need to Chase Your Dream?

Awhile back, I was in LA with a friend and he took me to his favorite taco shop. We were sitting there eating when I realized I’d actually been to the bike shop across the street, nearly five years before. I laughed as I told him I spent a couple hundred dollars on stuff I didn’t need in that very shop.

I could remember it so clearly.I was heading out on a cross-country trek, riding from Los Angeles to Delaware and so I stopped and bought supplies at that very store. I bought special pumps, water bottles, velcro straps to hold my tool kit, bike mirrors and more.

I wanted to be ready for anything.

By the time I got to Delaware, though, I didn’t have any of that stuff. It was all dead weight. In fact, none of the real pro riders carry around a bunch of gear. All I needed to cross the country was two spare tubes strapped to my handlebars with a cheap rubber band and a pump. No more, no less. I’ve not ridden with anything else since.

I wonder how much of the rest of life is like that? Do we really need an office and new computers and stationery to start a business? Do we need Bible software and endless seminary classes to start a church? Do we need to read a thousand books on marriage before we tie the knot?

Here’s a tough truth I’ve had to learn:

I probably won’t know what I need till I’m already on the journey. Everybody’s journey is different and everybody is wired differently so what we each need will be different. But we won’t know until we get started.

For me, most preparation is just a delay tactic because I’m scared.

*Photo by Tim Quijano, Creative Commons

What if we just stepped into our journey slowly and figured out what resources we needed along the way? What if you started the church and picked up the Bible classes and counseling classes as you needed them? What if you started a business and printed your business cards or bought that new computer the day you realized they were necessary?

What if?

What if the first part of the journey was to just start pedaling?

If I’d had known that five years ago, I’d have saved a couple hundred bucks.

Anybody need a rear-view mirror that sticks out from the end of your handlebars? I found it works better just to turn my head. Also, a bike horn? I have two and don’t use either. And I’ve got a Hello Kitty water bottle if anybody needs that. Let me know.

What Tools Do You Really Need to Chase Your Dream? is a post from: Storyline Blog

Why It’s More Important You Slow Down than Hurry Up

The first signs of spring weather always remind me baseball season is right around the corner. And let me tell you, I love baseball.

I don’t typically watch on TV, because I think being in a ballpark is half of what’s to love about baseball. When I find myself sitting cozy in the cheap seats, with a Coca-Cola in one hand and a hotdog in the other, it somehow feels like time slows down. All the feelings of being rushed or thoughts about pending to-dos seem to float out of the top of the stadium.

But the majority of my life moves fast.

And seems to be picking up speed all the time.

A consistent finding in studies on new technology is that people buy into new technology hoping to save time on miscellaneous tasks, but then try to get more miscellaneous tasks done with the time they’ve saved and consequently create more full, fast-paced, busy, distracted lives than ever before.

So the reality has become this: Saving time is common. Spending it restfully is not.

We’re all saving time.

But often we’re just filling it with more busyness. Society seems to only be picking up pace, and not many of us know how or when to create space to slow down. And we’re exhausted.

Which brings me back to why I love baseball.

Whether you’ve grown up watching baseball or only caught a few minutes on TV (maybe on accident), there’s no hiding that it’s a slow game. Unlike most sports, players can go long stretches of time without even moving. It order to really enjoy it, the game requires patience and a devoted attention span.

It requires your presence and time.

For those few hours you’re in that stadium seat, you’re kept in a sort of sanctuary from a bustling, distracting world. Even as I’ve been typing this blog, I’ve been tempted to click over to other tabs at least 10 times, check Instagram, and answer a looming email. And that’s exactly how most of us have come to operate. We’ve clouded the beauty of giving things our undivided attention, and instead found ourselves at the mercy of imminent distractions. We know fast-paced well, and we are (I am) often too comfortable in it.

I’m not going to go into everything I love about baseball in this post (the childhood nostalgia, the traditions, the community, franchise players not being extinct, team ethic, being the happiest game ever, etc).

However, this piece is important.

Because I think lovers and haters of baseball can all relate to the need for a stadium “sanctuary” of sorts.

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

We all need activities that require our presence and time in order to enjoy them, that remind us we aren’t slaves to unanswered emails or texts, to remind us there’s something beautiful to be said about the moments we share in the absence of high action but in presence of good company.

The ability to be is a fading virtue, and I hope we’ll fight for it. I hope we’ll see a day at the ballpark, an afternoon on a lazy river with friends, or a night around the table not as wasted time, but as investments in the virtue of being.

Take me out to the ballgame.

Why It’s More Important You Slow Down than Hurry Up is a post from: Storyline Blog

Why Parenting Means Practicing Grace

Last night I was in my office finishing something up and I heard my girls start fighting for the seven millionth time. They were yelling at each other and their voices were getting louder and louder, and I just got so pissed.

I felt so DONE. I was so tired of their fighting that I totally forgot that peace begins with me and I lost it.

I just lost it.

I stood up and ran out of my office with such fury that I bashed my toes against the wall. And it hurt like a mother. It felt like a fire had just started on my foot. The pain traveled all the way to the top of my head and my entire existence became a stubbed toe.

I looked up at Tish, who had just walked into the room, and I let out the F-bomb. Loudly. In her direction. And then with my most terrifying monster voice, I growled, “GET. OUT. GET. OUT!”

She immediately started crying hysterically—she thought I was dying—and she ran out.

I let her go and crumpled to the floor.

This really would have been bad enough, but I had more damage to do. Because I was angry and exhausted and a little embarrassed, it was important for me to make sure everyone knew this was NOT MY FAULT. It was THE FIGHTING. It was THEM. They did this to me.

So I picked my bashed toes up off the ground, limped out of my room and found both my girls huddled and crying in the hallway. And I looked them right in the eye and said: Do you SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIGHT LIKE THIS? BAD things happen. I got HURT.

And they looked at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen because their mommy was hurt and it was all their fault. And I looked back at them with the saddest eyes because my girls were hurt and it was all my fault. And I should have grabbed them right then and there.

But I couldn’t say sorry yet.

I just couldn’t. I was so tired. I just wanted everybody to feel as bad as I did for a little bit longer.

So I went back to my room and shut the door and sat on the floor and held my foot and rocked back and forth there for a while. My toes didn’t even hurt anymore. I just held them in case my husband Craig walked in. He needed to think I was hurt badly. I needed a good excuse.

And Craig did walk in a few moments later, holding a frozen bag of broccoli. And he sat down on the floor next to me and silently held the frozen broccoli on top of my foot. I’m pretty sure he knew I wasn’t hurt all that bad. But still.

The broccoli was grace.

And grace is what makes a girl ready to apologize.

So after a few minutes I stood up and walked out of my room to find my girls again. I wiped their weepy eyes and I grabbed their teeny hands and I asked them to follow me. They did, because they still trusted me.

Photo Credit: Creative Commons: Amanda Tipton

We curled up on Amma’s bed and Craig came in, too, and I kissed their soft faces and said: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for scaring you. None of that was your fault. Sisters fight. It’s normal for you to fight. Mommy hurt herself and she was angry and she lashed out at you because she wanted someone to blame. You weren’t to blame at all. I’m so sorry.

And they cried.

They promised that they forgave me and I rocked them like they were babies again, because they were. And then I looked up to see that my oldest son was standing in the door, taking a picture of us.

I said, “What are you doing?” And Chase said, “My homework for photography class is to take one picture that represents my family. This is it — with all the apologizing and hugging and crying and forgiving. This is us.”

Yes.

This is family: With all the apologizing and hugging and crying and forgiving — a place to practice giving and accepting grace.

So, there you go. This is Us. Us is Grace. And Grace is good enough for Us.

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Why Parenting Means Practicing Grace is a post from: Storyline Blog

The Power of Not Over Thinking It

I have a friend named Stacey (guy) who started dating a girl years ago. I asked him how he was feeling about it, whether he thought she was going to work out. He said he hadn’t thought much about it, that it wasn’t time yet. What do you mean, I asked. Of course you’ve thought about it.

He admitted he had, but that he wasn’t going to evaluate the relationship for another month. Instead, he was just going to enjoy it. He actually showed me his calendar and the following month had an X on a specific date. He said he had given himself permission to wait a month, and after this specific date, to ask himself whether it was working.

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

This advice works in a lot more areas than just relationships. If you’ve got a new job and need to commit for a year, are wondering about whether a church is the right fit for you or just about any major decision, you can give yourself permission to just be, to enjoy, and wait to evaluate after you’ve had enough time to experience some of the highs and lows.

By the way, Stacey married the girl.

The Power of Not Over Thinking It is a post from: Storyline Blog

How to Make Your Dreams Come True

It’s been one of those weeks. We all have them. Each day it seems the task list doesn’t end and the dishes continue to pile up in the sink.

I went to sleep last night and dreamt I walked down to the kitchen and all of the dishes were done. “Yes!” I thought, as it meant I wouldn’t have to do them this morning before work. But something strange happened when I walked into the kitchen this morning — the dishes were still piled up in the sink. Oof.

Photo Credit: Logan Ingalls, Creative Commons

After I took the dog outside, I knew what I had to do. One by one, I put the dishes in the dishwasher and hand washed the pans. Before I knew it, all of the dishes were clean, just like I had experienced in my dream.

It got me thinking about the way so many people live their lives. The goals and ambitions they have stack up day-to-day and they’re hoping one day they’ll wake up and find all of their dreams have come true.

But it doesn’t work that way. It takes work to achieve the things we want in life—one dish at a time, it seems. You can make your dreams come true, as long as you’re not afraid to put in a little work.

What’s the one dish (or goal) you need to get started on?

How to Make Your Dreams Come True is a post from: Storyline Blog

How to Feel Good About a Bad Day of Writing

I got a little bit of work done on a potential book today, but not as much as I’d hoped. Yesterday, I wrote five times as many words as I did today. And I’d even argue yesterday’s words were better. I doubt anything I wrote today will be published. And yet I feel fine about it.

It’s been a long time coming for me to view a relatively unsuccessful writing day as a victory, but I’m glad this is now my perspective.

What I mean by that is this:

Writing is not an exact science.

It’s not like screwing bottle caps on bottles, in which each day you can measure your accomplishments. There are too many mysterious forces in writing. It’s more like playing basketball, I’d say. Some days you’ve got a jump shot and other days you don’t. Who really knows why. But as it is in basketball, there are things you can do to increase the chances of a ball going in. You can practice, for example, and you can stay in shape.

In writing, it’s all about routine. My job is not to get up every day and write two thousand words.

My job is to do this:
1. Go to bed before 9pm. This assures I will get up early and be ready to write.

2. Wake up at 5am or so. Respond to a few emails, then turn off my phone. Take the dog for a walk and think and pray about what I’m going to be working on.

3. Don’t force the inspiration. I sit down and ask myself what I feel like writing. I remind myself that I have a book, and need to stay within that range of topics. I also remind myself that I have some chapters in that book, and that the book has structure. I dig around a little within that structure to see if there’s anything there.

On most mornings, a thought transpires, and I write it down, letting the words come. Once the thought is finished, I try to find a place within the existing structure where that thought might fit. I then file it on my computer to review later when I start compiling the book. I repeat that process until my mind gets just a little bit sloppy, which is normally just before noon. That’s the end of my writing day, and the beginning of my day as a manager of a writer’s life.
But that’s what my writing responsibilities look like.

Some days, I walk away from the computer having accomplished a mountain of work. Some days, just a little pile of words. Today was a pile of words. But I don’t feel bad at all.

Now, I turn my phone on and there will be voicemails and text messages that, had I left my phone on, would have derailed me completely. I have the rest of the day to not worry about the book. I’ll start thinking about this book at 7pm tonight, when tomorrow’s writing day starts with me slowly orbiting my bed, brushing my teeth, walking the dog, reading a few articles, and watching a television show before I lay down a little nervous and excited about what might get written in the morning.

How to Feel Good About a Bad Day of Writing is a post from: Storyline Blog

One Trait That Will Allow You to Connect With Anyone

I arrived at work a few minutes late, threw on my Apple t-shirt, and made my way onto the sales floor. I had recently been promoted as a technician at an Apple Retail Store, and I was supposed to be helping people solve issues they were having with their iPhones.

One of the other technicians was handling all of the incoming traffic in the store that day, and as soon as we locked eyes I wished we hadn’t.

He looked relieved to see me.

Too relieved to see me.

“Just the man I’m looking for,” he said. This kind of welcome is terrifying for a new technician. What I’m saying is, there’s no reason he would have been looking for me except to give me a task no one else wanted.

Photo Credit: matt buchanan, Creative Commons

“I have a young lady here who needs help with her iPhone,” he said, “She’s having issues with iCloud. She believes she might have lost all of her pictures. And she’s deaf.”

Okay, let’s unpack this.

This young lady is about to work with a new and inexperienced technician on one of the most elusive technical concepts ever because she believes she has somehow deleted some of the most vital possessions acquired in the past two years of her life and she can’t hear a word I’m going to say. Perfect.

Before I could respond, the elder technician had finished his pass-off introduction and I was shaking the girl’s hand. I smiled and kept smiling until I could figure something out. My face was numbing from all the smiling. I didn’t really know where to start.

But then something happened.

She noticed how mystified I looked and laughed a little. She pointed to my hands and the lightbulb went off.

In my hand was one of the most resourceful pieces of technology ever created. The iPad. I slid to unlock the home screen and opened up a note taking application. At the top of the screen, I typed, “Hello. My name is Kyle and I’m going to be your technician today :)”

She responded promptly.

We typed back and forth on the iPad.

This went on for nearly 45 minutes. Despite my initial reservations, it was one of the most pleasant interactions I’ve ever had in customer service.

At one point, I typed that I was excruciatingly hungry. She responded with a joke about how I must be responsible for the bite in the iconic Apple logo.

We were able fix her phone and even get her pictures back. She was thrilled.

Then she stood up and gave me a huge hug.

This interaction reminded me of something so valuable. We are all so different from one another in a variety of ways. Although our differences are incalculable, so are our similarities.

Her hearing was gone and my sign language skills were nonexistent. But with a nudge from my new friend, I was able to see past both our limitations.

Kindness. A smile. A warm hug. These are tools in our toolbox that give life to lifeless situations. It’s as if God installed in the firmware of humanity a language understood by everyone.

A language that binds us.

So next time you’re led to believe you’re too different to connect or interact with someone, I hope this reminds you you’re not.

I’m challenged by this quote from Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, “Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.”

When our words are insufficient, may we always seek another way. May we always seek kindness.

One Trait That Will Allow You to Connect With Anyone is a post from: Storyline Blog

A Kind of Perfection Worth Pursuing

Perfectionism is the unattainable quest to perform without fault, error, or shortcoming, and it’s a trap. Period. But maybe perfectionism isn’t the last word on being perfect.

I had this realization as I struggled to write something for the adoption ministry my wife and I are involved in. Try as I might, I couldn’t put any words on the page without being confronted with the reality that I’m not a perfect father.

Far from it, in fact.

I’m not the world’s best dad, regardless of what my coffee mug says. The truth is that I have some deficiencies when it comes to patience, emotional intelligence, and the administration of ponytails.

Photo Credit: Damián Bakarcic, Creative Commons

As I wrestled with my identity as a parent and wondered what in the world I might have to offer other parents, I was rescued by a kind of perfection worth pursuing: perfect attendance.

I want to show up everyday.

As a dad, as a husband, as a friend, and as a pastor, I want to show up everyday.

I make plenty of mistakes in each of those roles — just ask my wife, kids, friends, and colleagues. And I’m going to keep making plenty of mistakes, but I hope to God I don’t make the mistake of being absent.

If you’ve ever felt the void of a missing friend, family member, or teammate, you know what I mean.

Ghosts don’t do anyone any good.

Performance matters, to some degree, but it shouldn’t be what motivates us in our relationships. Forget trying to be the best — just try to be there.

Perfectionism steals life, but presence gives it. That’s why I’m not nearly as concerned about getting good grades as I used to be — I’m much more focused on perfect attendance.

A Kind of Perfection Worth Pursuing is a post from: Storyline Blog

Why 20% of People Will Never Like You

For years, I’ve used the Pareto Principle as a way of helping me understand life’s complexities.

The Pareto Principle, also known as the 80/20 rule, was proposed by Vilfredo Pareto, an Italian economist who noticed that statistics rarely broke down into even 50/50 dynamics. Instead, they more often broke down into 80/20 categories.

What he proposed is something like this:

About 80% of your health problems are likely being caused by only 20% of what you eat. Or 80% of your companies profit is coming from 20% of its products. Or 80% of your relational frustrations are being caused by 20% of your relationships.

The ramifications of the Pareto Principle are staggering. This means you can likely cut manufacturing on 80% of your products, saving your company millions. Or you can jettison 20% of your relationships and sleep better at night because you have less relational tension. Or replace only 20% of what you’re eating and enjoy 100% greater health.

It’s an enlightening theory.

I was thinking about this principle for those of us who create, though, and wondered how we could apply it. The main way I thought we could apply it would be to understand that our work isn’t going to please everybody.

Now if you write a bad song, give a bad sermon or write a bad book, you’re likely going to get a lot more than 20% of people panning you. But just know, if you hit it out of the park, there will still be 20% of the population noticing your flaws.

Count on it.

You can create the most beautiful work in the world and 20% of people are not going to like it. Just go to Amazon and read the reviews of Grapes of Wrath. How could anybody not honor that accomplishment? Turns out exactly 20% didn’t think it was a 5-star book, while 80% thought it was great.

For the record, I think it’s great.

What happens with a lot of creators, though, especially perfectionists, is they listen to the 20%. Wired as perfectionists, they feel like they have to completely please everybody. This shuts some creative types down.

They get scared, and then get careful.

And that makes their work worse, not better.

It’s the creators who understand they will not please 20% of the population who then have an amazing epiphany that changes their careers forever. And the epiphany is this: They start creating for the 80% who like their work rather than the 20% who don’t.

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

The Pareto Principle says it clearly: You aren’t going to convince at least 20% of the population to come with you, no matter what you do. So why try? Why sail a boat into the wind when you could glide across the water at top speed, sailing the other way?

Plus, the 80% already love you.

Serve them. They deserve it!

This doesn’t mean there’s nothing to learn from criticism. It only means some people are just not wired to understand you or your work. That’s fine. Just make sure you keep the 80% inspired, encouraged and entertained. Work as hard as you can to make them happy. Serve them humbly.

The 20% will live on without you.

Why 20% of People Will Never Like You is a post from: Storyline Blog