Donald Miller's Blog, page 40

How the Police are Screwing Up The Story They are Telling

I was sitting in a hotel room yesterday watching the riots in Baltimore and wondering what the end-game of this police vs the black community drama is going to be.

It just seems to be getting worse.

I applaud the many preachers and leaders in the black community of Baltimore who, yesterday, derided their own young people for the riots. Preacher after preacher commented that the violence was senseless, offensive and useless to actualize change.

To be honest, the police community could learn something from the clear lines these black preachers are drawing. The only way this story gets better is when the unified tribe of police officers are willing to draw similar lines between good, law abiding cops and cops who abuse their power. Almost certainly there was an abuse of power when Freddie Gray’s spine was crushed, so why hasn’t a representative from the police department come out and said as much? Why not say, strongly, that if one of their own abused their power, that officer will face swift disciplinary action? Wouldn’t strong statements like this calm the tension? Instead, officers remain unified behind a wall of words that seem more defensive than objective.

When heads of police departments pronounce accused officers innocent within hours of a shooting, America loses trust. And those pronouncements keep happening.

Something has to change, and it seems like the next move belongs to police officers. They are the ones who are going to have to run a different play or this thing is going to keep getting worse.

When I’m not writing books, I help brands tell their stories through my company StoryBrand. So far, we’ve helped a lot of Fortune 500 companies as well as startups and small businesses.

Often the truth of a brand and the story they are telling are different. And that’s a problem.

I say all this because, as a guy who analyzes stories, the way the Police in these controversial situations are handling the “story” of said controversies is truly terrible.

Of course, the loss of the lives of so many black men is an enormous tragedy, but the failure of various police departments to even try to improve the story they are living and telling is, perhaps, the root of the trouble. And their handling of the story is going to cause even more trouble.

Consider another brand facing a controversial and difficult circumstance.

When faced with the onslaught of terrible stories of NFL players committing violence against women, the NFL finally began to act.

Once they realized they could no longer sweep these stories under the rug, they decided to do something about it. And their actions were swift, precise and pointed. They alienated those who committed the acts, pointed fingers at them and very clearly stated “they’re no longer with us.”

That move is what may have saved the NFL from many years of disgrace. Here’s why:

Every story needs an enemy, and in order to not look like the enemy, the NFL quickly disassociated itself as a brand from players within their own organization who were doing dastardly things. And while the NFL took their hits and their brand certainly lost value over the conflict, they at least worked to save the brand and frame the story differently, both in word and in the changing of their behavior.

Their attempt, whether sincere or not (and I believe they are now, finally, sincere) was to side with the good guys (society and the overwhelming percentage of decent NFL players and associates) in prosecuting the bad guys (those who committed domestic violence).

Here’s the problem with the story the police are telling now.

Every day, on the news, they are unifying with officers before truly finding out if what they did was an overreaction and an overreach of their power. Just after Michael Slager, a South Carolina police officer shot Walter Scott in the back as he ran away, and was filmed planting a taser gun near the body to cover his tracks, the local department defended him.

The District Attorney quickly stepped in and charged Slager. But the police were somehow unified. And when Robert Bates, a reserve deputy accidentally shot a man thinking he’d pulled his taser, he was defended by the local sergeant within hours. The words used were literally “he did nothing wrong.”

Really? Shouldn’t a court decide that?

The point here is not to say these officers are truly guilty.

The point is the knee-jerk reaction of police officers to defend each other no matter what really happened will continue to erode trust in the public. It’s just a bad story. From an outside perspective, they’re playing the role of mob characters, not heroic cops.

The percentage of good cops vs bad cops is extraordinary. I’ve known plenty of police officers and have yet to meet one that wasn’t truly drawn to their line of work for any motive other than to protect and serve.

So why are the good cops not distancing themselves from the bad cops? Storyline Blog

How and Why I Stay in the Dysfunctional Family of God

When I read the book of Acts, I see a bunch of guys who hardly knew what they were doing, but were routinely having their work rescued by the Holy Spirit.

If the Christian family were made up of only people like this, I’d be much more happy.

But then again, if it were, it wouldn’t be a real family.

Real families are messy.

The harder family members to deal with are the emotionally and psychologically narrow uncles and cousins. I’m talking about the twenty-year old guys in Bible college who just read John Calvin and think they know everything.

Or the forty-year old guys with the personalities of bitter old men who are always ranting about how much they hate the President.

I don’t like the Christian leaders who go around like territorial dogs, peeing circles around everything.

To me, that just makes everything smell like pee.

Have you ever wondered if some of the people who are bringing the most people to Jesus are the same people who are pushing the most people away from Him?

I’ve wondered that sometimes. Somebody ought to do a study about that.

Nevertheless, this is our absurd Christian family.

I won’t pretend to like everybody and God knows they don’t pretend to like me. But we will spend an eternity with most of them.

So what do we do about the crazy uncles and cousins? How do we stay in the family of God when all our instincts tell us to leave?

Here are some paradigm shifts that helped me stick around.

1. I realized not all Christian leaders know Jesus.

Jesus warned us about this. He said there would be very serious leaders who use His name and build His kingdom and even heal people who do not know Him at all.

If somebody knows the Bible inside and out, pastors a mega church, writes bestselling books and so on but is consistently known as an arrogant person, chances are they don’t know Jesus.

They are certainly influencing the family, but they aren’t in the family.

I find that sad and comforting. I find it sad because it would be awful to think you know Jesus when really you’re just a religious guy who has the Bible memorized and uses it to build your own empire. How in the world would you ever figure out you really don’t know Jesus at all when you can debate just about anybody on the Bible?

But I also find it relieving, because those guys make me, and anybody else who won’t submit to them, feel like garbage. And I don’t want to spend an eternity feeling like garbage.

I hope they can figure it out and repent and come to know Christ.

2. I realized the family of God isn’t represented by a denomination.

No denomination is completely right. Calvinism isn’t completely right. It’s just not.

No human being has crammed all the right theology into their head. I stay away from people who claim they have. It just makes life easier.

The truth is God’s church, as seen by God, is mixed and mingled with the church as man sees it, but is very, very different. I consider myself part of God’s church, not man’s church. And while I certainly believe right theology is important, I don’t believe God will conduct an entrance exam to get into heaven.

I think He’s just going to say, hey, you, I know you!

3. I realized I’m a leader in the church, and so are you.

While I do consider pastors and elders leaders, I see them more as guides and, not unlike the church in Acts, I report directly to the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit spoke directly to the people then and He does the same now. Man has set up a kind of trickle-down system through which God’s word descends to the idiot masses, but you can bypass all that and drink from the source.

God speaks directly to you and I because He considers us leaders. Storyline Blog

The Great Danger of Living With Secrets

Some of you reading this right now are living with a secret in your life.

Maybe it is something you have done that you fear would destroy your family, your reputation, even your career if it were found out. It may have been a one-time event or maybe it’s still going on.

Others of you may be keeping secret something that happened to you because you feel too much shame or fear to tell anyone about it.

Whichever describes you, a secret creates distance between you and everyone else in the world, and after a while, the relief of not being found out gives way to loneliness. Anytime someone shows you love, you say to yourself:

“If you only knew…you wouldn’t feel that way”.

And so we filter any positive things out.

You may tell yourself that continuing the secret doesn’t hurt anyone and allows you to get what you want. However, the rush of brain chemistry we get when you or I do something in secret completely alters our ability to think rationally.

Photo Credit: Georgie Pauwels, Creative Commons

It’s amazing the sense I was able to make out of some crazy destructive things I did when I was living in secret. I couldn’t see the pain and harm I caused to others and myself until I got help to see what was real. Somehow I had a deep, core belief that if I let my needs and my self be really known I would feel ashamed and I would not matter.

When we look into the deep waters of our hearts, you and I find that we really don’t trust God and don’t believe God is good.

I think when I heard it said that God was “good” that meant “as opposed to me being bad” and so God was untouchable. I never dreamt that it meant God wants good and wonderful things for me and actually loves me to make my shame come untrue.

I remember when I was in kindergarten my mother was one of my teachers.

One day the lead teacher was reading a story to everyone and I kept talking to a kid next to me even after I was told not to.

Then the worst happened.

My mother called me out sternly and had me go upstairs with her.

I felt embarrassed and at that moment afraid… that she would spank me—or worse—would be so angry she would stop loving me.

At first she fussed at me for being disobedient to the teacher but then, to my surprise, she sat me on her lap and held me and let me cry.

The very one I was afraid of and wanted to run from was the very one whose love and embrace meant more to me than anyone in the world. In her lap with her arms around me, I felt the fear and shame disappear with the trail of tears on my face.

Oh, to be really known and loved is what we so long for.

But the terror of the possible rejection keeps us distant… and in secret.

I discovered my secrets were my attempt at avoiding the One who most wanted to love me and take away my shame.

The Bible even describes God as loving us like a mother who holds her child closely.

If you are living in the pain of secrets, cry out to God with all your truth and fear.

It may seem crazy to turn toward God but you’ll discover how even crazier his love and mercy is.

Also find someone who is safe like a therapist, a sponsor, or a wise non-judgmental person with whom to share your struggle.

The way out of secrets is not easy and may lead us through the very fear and shame that we’ve avoided.

However, feeling the accepting embrace of safe people and a loving God is amazingly healing. Intimacy is only possible when I am known. Storyline Blog

Don’t Try To Be Humble. Just Try to Be Yourself.

Just before I got married, someone asked me what I was most excited about.

My answer was, “I’m just so excited to be a wife. I’m going to be better than the best wife he’s ever dreamed of. I’m going to serve him and love him…” blah, blah, blah. I went on like that for awhile.

Photo Credit: Tela Chhe, Creative Commons

At the time, not only was I being totally serious, I also felt really proud of myself for being so humble.

Here was the problem.

That whole theory unraveled for me in my first few months of marriage. It just plain didn’t work. Not only was I always conducting this sort of performance for my husband—the cooking, the cleaning, the doing whatever he asked me to do, the always saying “yes” and always being whoever he needed me to be—I was also slowly withering away.

He wasn’t getting the truest or best picture of who I was.

In fact, things really started to go bad after just a couple of weeks.

While I was being the loving, supportive wife I thought he wanted, I had loads of resentment building up.Storyline Blog

6 Characteristics of a Hero: How Many Do You Embody?

I’ve been studying story for a long time now but have only recently given a lecture or two about the characteristics of a hero. I created the lecture in response to a speakers series in Minnesota and greatly enjoyed delivering the content.

I enjoyed it mostly because, well, a hero looks nothing like you’d think. And in a way, I found the revelations quite comforting.

Admittedly, this is no scientific analysis.

I basically studied a bunch of movies and tried to find common characteristics of the character that “saved the day.” What I found, though, whether it was Luke Skywalker in Star Wars, Tommy in Tommy Boy, Indiana Jones in Raiders Of The Lost Ark or Bridget Jones in Bridget Jones Diary, is that heroes are not exactly what they seem.

Photo Credit: Mikaela Hamilton

I created the talk because intuitively we all understand ourselves, or rather experience life, as the protagonist in a story. Stories resonate with us, then, because they are cleaned up, clear versions of the dynamics of a human life.

We all want things.

But we face resistance, and we have to risk and fight to make those things happen. It’s comforting to see romanticized, hyped versions of these plots play out on screen.

That said, what does it take to be a hero?

Here are 6 surprising commonalities of movie-screen heroes:

1. They are flawed – It’s true. We think of heroes as people who have it all together but this doesn’t work in a story. Perfect characters are not interesting. They’re boring. Heroes have to have something in their lives that holds them back in order to be interesting. Tommy Boy thinks he’s dumb, Luke Skywalker is told he’s too young and Bridget Jones is an emotional wreck. So if you’ve got a flaw, you’re in luck. You can be a hero in your story.

2. They are filled with doubt – The external problem in a story (the bomb needing to be disarmed or whatever) only serves one purpose and that is to manifest the internal conflict of the lead character. And the internal conflict is almost always the same: Self doubt. Heroes doubt themselves or the story loses interest. We have to wonder, along with the character, whether they can get this done. Tommy Boy struggles back and forth, so does Luke and Katniss. So if you’ve ever doubted yourself, you are hero material.

3. They seek a guide – Almost every hero I studied meets a guide who has “been there and done that” and can help them accomplish their obligatory task. Heroes do not have the knowledge, skill, or confidence to make it on their own. For centuries storytellers have used “the guide” character to help the hero along. Haymitch gives Katniss a plan, Yoda teaches Luke to use the force. So, if you want to be a hero, find a few guides to help you out, otherwise you’re doomed.

4. Heroes are lazy but get forced into action – It’s not believable to an audience when a character suddenly takes action on their own. We’re all to lazy to buy into that. Instead, heroes get thrust into the story when something happens that makes them move. In storytelling terms this is called an inciting incident. The point here is that, in real life, you’ll have to force yourself to move. You’ll have to ask the girl out, sign up for the marathon, quit your job or something. The story won’t come to you, you’ve got to jump into it.

5. Heroes change – The whole point of a story is the character arc. Unless the hero changes, an audience will lose interest. There are a few exceptions, James Bond being one, but in 99% of movies, a hero is cowardly at the beginning and brave at the end or selfish at the beginning and altruistic at the end. Every human wants to change and was designed to do so so when we see a character change in a story we enjoy it because we know we were designed to change ourselves. It’s as though they are showing us the way. And the only way to change is to, well, experience pain.

6. Heroes experience pain – If there’s no conflict, there’s no story. The only way a character changes in a story is through trial. No trial, no change – no story. And the greater the conflict, the better the story and the greater the character transformation. In fact, about 15 minutes before the end of a movie and you’ll start to notice an “all is lost” moment. This is the last bit of seemingly insurmountable conflict the character must overcome to save the day. It’s the final act of ultimate tension. And it makes the story great. All that to say, unless there is real conflict in your life, you’re not living the heroes journey.

So that’s it.

Those are the 6 common characteristics of a hero. And you’re likely experiencing all of them. So the next time you think of a hero as somebody else and think you don’t have what it takes, take another look in the mirror. You very well may be experiencing the heroes journey. Congrats.

6 Characteristics of a Hero: How Many Do You Embody? is a post from: Storyline Blog

Here’s How You Know When God Shows Up

My work is to talk to children about how wild and wonderful are their world, their God and other people—and how fiercely and forever and unconditionally loved they are.

I teach them about grace; how grace means that they can relax because there is nothing they can do to make God love them more and nothing they can do to make God love them less.

I teach them that the world will try to convince them otherwise, but the truth is that all they really have to do, their whole lives long, is bask in the light of God’s love and then reflect it onto others.

I do this work because everyone should figure out what she believes to be the most important work in the world and just go do it. Storyline Blog

A Little Motivation to Get Our Work Done

Most mornings I’m up around 5 or so.

I get breakfast, watch a little bit of the morning news, shower, get dressed, lay around checking e-mail on my phone, then turn the phone off, walk the dog and finally sit down at my desk to write.

Instead of writing, though, I check twitter and my e-mail again.

Then I write a blog or two, research whatever gadget somebody tweeted about, make some more coffee, read a little bit, all the while the very reason I got up early is slipping through my hands as I allow myself to be distracted.

I don’t know why our primary project is so hard to focus on while we are completely willing to work hard on other projects. But regardless, the only thing that will make that nagging feeling go away is a little self discipline. You are not going to want to work on that project, perhaps ever. But the project must be completed.

What we need, here, is some self discipline.

We must shut off our e-mail and web browser, open the document and commit to a couple hours of frustrating work. Normally, within half an hour or so, we have a bit of a breakthrough and are surprised to get quite a bit of work done.

The sooner we stop fooling around with distractions, the sooner that project will be done.

Imagine how quickly you’d get the work done if you didn’t waste those hours distracting yourself? Storyline Blog

Don’t Find Joy In What You Do But How You Do It

These days, there’s a lot of talk about loving what you do. I think that’s important—but I don’t think it’s nearly as important as finding joy in how you do it.

I learned this from my grandma.

Growing up, I attended church every Sunday with my family.

Every week, it was the same story. The sermon would begin. I would complain about needing the bathroom. I’d quietly leave the sanctuary and I’d check the nursery, hoping my grandma was there.

I would always find her, peacefully sitting in a wooden rocker, holding a sleeping baby, watching the pastor on a small black-and-white television.

Photo Credit: yomo_13 , Creative Commons

As I got older and I began to understand what was happening in the sanctuary, I grew to appreciate what was happening there. I found life and truth in the words of the Bible and I began to spend more time with my grandpa than my grandma on Sunday morning.

He was, after all, the preacher on the stage.

But I’ll never forget the image of my grandma, rocking that baby, watching her husband on the small black and white television in the nursery. His sermons were being broadcast to every state in the country and over 100 countries.

Yet she just watched them faithfully, from right there.

I’ve never met another woman so gifted at comforting and quieting a crying child—or relieving the nerves of an anxious new mother.

My grandma died on Christmas Eve, 2007.

Leading the Prayer Service was one of the greatest honors of my ministry life. In preparation for it, I began to recall vividly those Sunday mornings sitting in that quiet nursery with my grandma, while the world watched my grandfather.

I can see now how she exhibited unparalleled grace, love, humility, contentment, and joy in those moments. Because she faithfully served the church in her quiet role, my grandfather was able to faithfully fulfill his.

There is an important story in the Bible about Jesus at a fancy dinner party where each of the guests begin elbowing their way to the place of honor at the table. It was the story I read at my grandmother’s service.

Jesus’s response to the commotion went something like this:

“When someone invites you to dinner, don’t take the place of honor. Somebody more important than you might have been invited by the host. Then he’ll come and call out in front of everybody, ‘You’re in the wrong place. The place of honor belongs to this man.’ Instead, go and sit at the last place. Then when the host comes he may very well say, ‘Friend, come up to the front.’

He concludes:

“If you are content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself.” Storyline Blog

How To Ignore Your Worst Critic And Become Your Best Self

A friend recently introduced me to a fabulous talk Brené Brown gave at a conference for creatives. You can watch it here.

In it, she uses the metaphor of a coliseum-type arena as the place where we display our work, art, ourselves. The place where we must be vulnerable and put it out there. Whatever “it” happens to be. In the audience of the arena are many people, including the critics.

Brown says there are always four internal critics present in our arena:

Scarcity – which asks, “What am I doing that’s original?”
Shame – which says, “You’re not enough. Who do you think you are, trying to act like you belong here?”
Comparison – Does this one even need an explanation?
Fill in the blank

Only you know who occupies seat number four, and I think the critic in this seat rotates depending on what you’re up to in the arena.

My 12th-grade math teacher will, on occasion, occupy that fourth seat.

I went to a small Episcopalian high school and one of its (many) traditions was The Senior Chapel Talk. The entire school attended chapel every day at 10 a.m., and at some point during the year, instead of our chaplain speaking, a senior would get up and give a 15-minute speech.

I was very nervous about my chapel talk.

I liked theater and choir and performing, but when it came to being on stage and acting like myself, I was terrified and had little to no experience.

I remember my dad sat down with me at our kitchen table and helped me plan out what I was going to say. Then, I practiced saying it aloud in front my mirror about 17 times. When the day came to give my talk, my mouth was dry and my hands were shaking, but I stood up at the podium anyway, and I got through it.

Photo Credit: Francisco Osorio, Creative Commons

I sat back down in my seat, feeling pretty proud of myself and very relieved.

After chapel, I went to math class, and the first thing my teacher said when she saw me was, “Wow, I’ve never heard anyone give a speech so fast!” I was mortified. I was so nervous I didn’t even know I had talked fast and flown through my speech. I looked around the classroom at my friends with questioning eyes. They averted my gaze. I decided this meant they must agree with her and slunk down into my seat.

Her comment echoed in my head for a long time.

Since that day I’ve always told people I hate public speaking, and I’m terrible at it. “My mouth gets dry and I talk too fast,” I tell them.

We have so many voices like this don’t we?

Maybe we have some we’re not even aware of that are taunting us from the nosebleed section, and we’re listening to them even though they’re mean. In her talk, Brown suggests replacing these voices with kind, trusted ones.

Listen to the people who love you and cheer for you, no matter what, and have a picture of the strong person you know you’re becoming.

One way of conquering my math teacher’s voice was volunteering to do chapel for the company I used to work for. I had 15 minutes (again) and the crowd would be 20-30 people. It sounds small but it was a really big deal for me.

And you know what? I was ok.

I received kind feedback, and I even enjoyed the experience.

Sometimes you have to do the thing that one person told you weren’t good at in order to kick them out of your arena.

They don’t belong there. Don’t let them have a seat.f

How To Ignore Your Worst Critic And Become Your Best Self is a post from: Storyline Blog

The Introvert’s Guide to Staying Alive

I feel it like a sickness. I’m tired. I’m irritable. I have trouble focusing and I get confused about priorities. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be working on. My head feels like a junk drawer.

What’s the problem?

The problem is I’m an introvert taking on an extrovert’s life.

It’s my own fault. I know this about myself. I simply need time alone in order to recharge, and when I don’t get it, I suffer the consequences. So does my work.

It sneaks up on me and by the time I feel it, it’s too late. I have to shut down.

So how do I stop the spiral?

Several years ago a life coach gave me a tip that has really helped me. He asked me to identify they ways that I rest. And all of them involve being completely alone.

Photo Credit: Damian Gadal, Creative Commons

I recharge by walking the dog by a nearby lake. I just walk and throw a tennis ball and daydream and my energy starts coming back. I also recharge by going to movies. By myself. I know it sounds odd, but it brings me back.

Taking drives, eating alone, reading the paper at a coffee shop, talking to nobody about anything.

That’s how I come back to life.

To an extrovert this must sound insane, but for me it’s either get alone or become the equivalent of a grumpy old man.

There are other strategies, too.

One is to not take meetings with people unless there’s a really good reason for it.

Friends want to get together for coffee? Can’t do it. I know it sounds rude, but there’s a name for people who want to get together for coffee with no established reason. They’re called extroverts. They get energy from just talking about whatever, while for an introvert, it’s the equivalent of hooking an IV up to their artery and draining their blood.

To be sure, introverts love people.

But to understand how an introvert works, imagine every time you find yourself in a conversation, you had to jog in place. So while an extrovert is sitting and having coffee and talking and sharing their life, an introvert is jogging in place right there at the table.

They can do it for a while, but not all day every day.

I’ve often wondered which is better, to be an introvert or an extrovert.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that the benefits and liabilities cancel each other out.

Neither is better.

I’ve an extremely extroverted friend who rented a cabin to try to write a book. He couldn’t handle it. Not even for a single day. He ended up renting a house in LA with new roommates and going to parties and loving California and at the end of his time had made tons of new friends but never wrote the book.

All that to say, I don’t have very many new friends but I do have a few books. Hard to say which is better or worse. As much as I’d love to have new friends, they’d honestly drain me.

The Introvert’s Guide to Staying Alive is a post from: Storyline Blog