Matthew S. Williams's Blog, page 222

B5 Continued…

Picking up where I left off, Babylon 5, second season!  When season one ended, Sinclair and G'Kar had taken off, both to pursue their own agendas. Delenn was in a chrysalis (cocoon) and undergoing a transformation, and Londo was making deals with "shadowy" forces. Resuming…

Season Two:

Season Two opens with Babylon 5 getting a new commander (Captain John Sheridan, played by Bruce Boxleitner) since Sinclair has been reassigned, somewhat mysteriously, to the Mimbari homeworld. Much like Sinclair, he too has a history that involves the Earth-Mimbari war. Sheridan is a war hero, the only man who ever destroyed a Mimbari ship and lived to tell about it. After receiving his post at B5, his first task is to deal with a renegade Mimbari cruiser that is staffed by warriors who never accepted their surrender. In the course of things, Sheridan learns the truth about the war. Lennier, Delenn's assistant (who has taken over now that she is in a cocoon!), explains…

At the Battle of the Line, the humans who were captured were examined using a holy relic that came to the Mimbari from their chief prophet (Valen) who came to them a thousand years ago. The relic glowed in his presence, and a few others. When Sinclair was exposed to it, it glowed intensely. They concluded that his "soul" was Mimbari, that it was as strong as Valen's, and that other humans possess Mimbari souls. This is why they ended the war. Few understood this decision, but given its importance of the Mimbari, they accepted it. In the end, Sheridan is successful and the renegade Mimbari cruiser is destroyed. But he is also made aware of the fact that he's not too popular with the Mimbari.

Meanwhile, Londo meets with Morden again. Having gotten over the severity of what Morden "associates" did to the Narn border colony, he asks Morden what would happen if he were to ask for another "demonstration" of their power. Morden says plainly that they will provide it, and Londo only need "pick a target". In return, all he asks is that Londo turn over whatever information he comes across about stuff happening on the rim. Which shortly thereafter comes in handy…

G'Kar returns from his investigation into the attack on their border colony. Going on a tip from some old Narn texts, he began looking into certain worlds at the border of known space. On one such world, he found something and barely got out alive. After determining that the configuration of the ships that attacked him were virtually identical to the ones described in the texts, he concludes that this ancient race is returning and is responsible for the attack. The border world he found is apparently called Z'Hadum, and his world has sent a ship to investigate.

Naturally, Londo tells Morden and the ship is ambushed just as it jumps out of hyperspace. G'Kar's investigation is halted, and his warnings end up ringing hollow. However, Delenn emerges from her cocoon and appears half-human now. No explanation is given beyond her saying that it was a gesture to bring their two species – humans and Mimbari – closer together. Sheridan is impressed, and we get a preview of the romantic relationship which is to follow.

In time, Londo gets a visitor, a man named Lord Refa, who has heard of what Londo has done and is impressed. He comes to Londo bearing an offer: he and friends back home want to overthrow the current Emperor, who they think of as weak and conciliatory to the Narns, and put their own person on the throne. They want a return to the good old days of power, like Londo, and are willing to do what it takes to make that happen. Londo is enthused and agrees, but gets a word of warning from a seer (a Technomage) shortly thereafter. He is told that he will become powerful, and be responsible for the lives of billions. He is naturally perturbed.

Other developments include Sheridan finding out that Ivanova is a latent telepath who's mother committed suicide to escape the Corps, that Franklin is running an underground railroad for telepaths looking to do the same, and that the station's resident telepath, Talia Winters (whom Garibaldi has a thing for) is a sleeper agent whom the Corps planted to keep an eye on them all. They also get a visitor in the form of Lyta Alexander, a telepath who was originally assigned to B5 but has since been working with the Vorlons, and has been changed by them… She has since turned against the Corps, and seems to know a thing or two about the Vorlons secrets.

And of course, the old conspiracy about the president begins to shape up. Garibadli recovers, his old security deputy is busted but disappears on his way back to Earth to stand trial. Before leaving, he also leaves Garibaldi with a cryptic warning, that this is "much bigger than he knows". Sheridan also learns from his old friend, General Hague, that the destruction of Earth One was an inside job and that the VP was involved. He also tells Sheridan that he was appointed to B5 because the new President, Clark, thought he'd be loyal, being a career soldier. Sheridan and his senior officers decide to join Haig's counter-conspiracy and begin helping them, which includes giving safe passage to the doctor who had proof that Clark's cover story about an illness was false.

But by far the biggest part of season two is the "Great War" between the Narns and the Centauri. After the first time he called in a favor from Morden, his "associates" destroyed an entire colony of Narns on the border of disputed space. This incident gained Londo some serious popularity in certain circles back home, including Lord Refa. Things come together again when the Emperor himself decides to visit Babylon 5, apparently to issue an apology to the Narns for his family's actions. G'Kar intends to assassinate him, but his efforts are cut short when Emperor suffers a near-fatal heart attack. When he learns of the Emperor's true purpose, he reaches out to Londo for the first time.

However, Londo and Refa are already mobilizing. Refa's people assassinate the Emperor's Prime Minister back home, and he tells Londo they need an attention getter to set them ahead of the other potential successors. Londo remembers what Morden said about "picking a target" and chooses another military base that borders Centauri space. The dark, spidery ships attack, destroy everything, and Centauri forces move in afterwards. This time around, the Centauri ARE blamed, the Narns declare war, Londo is hailed as a hero by his people, and Lord Refa's puppet Emperor (Cartagia) takes the throne. The Great War has begun!

And just before the Emperor dies, he is met by Kosh. He asks him how this will end, and Kosh tells him "in fire". Londo and Refa also come before him to tell him the "good news" about the war. Rather than condone it, he pulls Londo close and tells him "you are both damned". "Small price to pay for immortality" says Refa, but Londo appears shaken once again. In the ensuring weeks, Babylon 5 is thrust into the middle of the war, being asked to arbitrate and take in refugees from all the Narn colonies that begin to be overrun.

Meanwhile, John is made aware of what's really going on. After learning the truth about the Earth-Mimbari War, he is told of another, more secretive war, one which has been a long time coming and is imminent. After learning that Morden is aboard the station, and realizing that he was on the same ship as Anna Sheridan (John's wife) which was apparently destroyed, John orders Morden taken into custody and questioned. Apparently, the ship was lost during an expedition to the world now known as Z'Hadum, all hands thought to have perished. Since he's not dead and wandering around freely, John wants answers!

His efforst are interrupted when Kosh and Delenn explain. Z'Hadum is the home of an ancient race known as the "Shadows". They are one of the "First Ones", a group of races billions of years old, the first to achieve sentience in the galaxy. The Shadows are the oldest, and they have been at war with the others for eons. In the last war, what few First Ones remained defeated them and drove them off, with the help of some younger races – including the Mimbari. Whereas all the others have now died or moved on, only the Vorlons remain. Now that the Shadows are returning, they must prepare! A new alliance must be struck, and both the Mimbari and the Vorlons understand that humanity and B5 are important to that effort, though they don't fully know why.

According to Delenn, the Shadows are behind the Narn-Centauri war because they intend to weaken the younger races by making them fight each other before they invade. The only advantage they have right now is that Shadows do not know that the Mimbari and Vorlons already suspect what they are up to. He is also told that Sinclair is on Mimbar preparing a new force of fighters for when the time comes; they are known as the Rangers, and Garibaldi was made aware of them some time ago. Sheridan reluctantly agrees to join their alliance, and lets Morden go. In secret, they begin to plot and Kosh begins to teach Sheridan how to, as he says, "fight legends". Sheridan also vows that one day, he will go to Z'Hadum to find out what happened to his wife, despite Kosh's warning that if he does, he will die!

Season two ends with the end of the war. After months of fighting a losing war, the Narns prepare for one final assault to slow the Centauri down and prolongue the war. However, Refa's people intercept their plans and make plans of their own. He asks Londo to arrange for his friends to destroy the Narn attack while they in turn attack the Narn homeworld, using mass-drivers. These are an outlawed weapon of mass destruction, and their use will level Narn's surface. Londo is very reluctant, he doesn't want the death toll, and he is growing suspicious of Morden and his "associates". But, under pressure, he agrees, and everything happens without a hitch. The last Narn fleet is destroyed, he watches as  Narn is levelled and forced to surrender, and then dictates the punitive terms of peace at the B5 Council.

In order to avoid arrest and remain free, G'Kar is told by his people to request asylum. Sheridan agrees, but is powerless to stop the Centauri from imposing terrible terms of peace on the Narns. All he can do is promise G'Kar whatever help he can, and in a meeting later with Delenn, Kosh and the Rangers, he pledges that where they stand, they will draw a line against the coming darkness.

Almost immediately after the war ends with the Narns, the Centauri begin attacking the borders of several more worlds immediately thereafter. In response, a representative of the Earth Alliance came to the station for the purpose of "evaluating the Centauri". Sheridan and G'Kar were hopeful that this meant Earth was preparing to take sides, but all were disappointed when it was revealed that Earth was signing a non-aggression pact with them, effectively turning their backs on the Centauri's continued aggression.

However, these efforts are somewhat frustrated due to the appearance of a Narn cruiser which Sheridan offers aid to after it jumps in near the station. This leads to a confrontation with a Centauri cruiser, and Sheridan is forced to destroy it. In order to salvage the situation, Earth orders Sheridan to issue a formal apology. But on his way to deliver it, Sheridan is nearly killed by a bomb that was planted in his car. He jumps from the car and begins falling towards certain death. Miraculously, Kosh reveals himself and flies to his rescue.  When he leaves his encounter suit, everyone sees an angel, though in different guises, depending on their race. People feel the station is now blessed, a good omen in dark times…

At the same time, Zack Allen, one of the station's pilots, dies pursuing a lead. Some time before, he saw a Shadow vessel in hyperspace, and became obsessed with it. While ferrying the Narn cruiser to safety, he breaks off when he detects a faint trace of neutrinos in hyperspace. He comes face to face with a Shadow vessel, and is then destroyed! However, his gun camera footage survived and was retrieved. Season two thus ends with the footage being aired on interstellar television!

Whoo, I get goose bumps just thinking about it! And I assume people can see by what I mean about the quality of the writing and the consistency of the plot. By this point in the show, things are really starting to come together. But of course, many threads still needed to be tied, and many mysteries still revealed.

Most of these come up in Season Three, coming up next!

Babylon 5!

I'm surprised it took me this long to do a review of this show. And who more fitting than me, its biggest fan! Okay, not really. In fact, when it comes to fandom, I've got nothing on some people out I've seen out there (you know who you are!) But let me assure you, I'm not without my credentials either. Over the years, I've managed to see every single episode of the series, sometimes two, or three times over. I've caught all the movies, specials, and even read some of the creators comics. In short, B5 is easily one of the best sci-fi series and franchises that I've ever seen and it remains one of my biggest inspirations when it comes to my writing.

Which is appropriate, because what made the show great for me was the writing. Memorable lines, interesting characters, a intricate plot loaded with intrigue and classic sci-fi elements, and above all, a sense of adventure and realism. In fact, one of the actors went on record, comparing the show to Star Trek. Unlike the latter, he said, the stories were not tidy, comfortable things that always ended happily. If anything, things always ended somewhat uncertainly, even where there were happy endings, there was always new things to worry about.

Or, as the character Susan Ivanova said "My father always said there are no happy endings, only new battles." You could tell Straczynsky wrote the series with just that thought in mind. In fact, he wrote most of the episodes, which is another reason why the series was so tight and respectable. Compared to many other science fiction franchises, the story left very little in the way of loose threads and experienced very few internal contradictions. Naturally, only the most die-hard of fans would notice these things , but even if you were a casual viewer, you really got a feeling of consistency.

But I digress, some background…

Background:

The story revolves around a space station named Babylon 5, a neutral site which was built in space to act as a sort of diplomatic middle ground for all the races of the known universe to come together and work out their differences peacefully. It was created by humans, with the help of four other contributing races – the Mimbari, the Vorlons, the Centauri and the Narn. The station was first conceived by Earth gov because of the Earth/Mimbari war, which ended ten years prior to when the story is taking place. That war began because of a cultural misunderstanding, and nearly led to the extermination of humanity. And of course, many other races saw the potential, so they joined in.

Administratively, Babylon 5 was run by a human commander, but decisions affecting the overall mission of the station were directed by a Council made up of five members – the representatives of the Centauri, Narn, Mimbari and Vorlon homeworlds, and the human commander themselves. Outside of that, the League of Non-Aligned Worlds, a body made up of thirteen other member races, would also sit in and vote on items pertaining to their own interests as well. However, as the show quickly demonstrated, the station ended up having a purpose far greater than anyone could ever imagine.

Delenn is the Mimbari ambassador, a member of her races Religious caste, a career politician and diplomat, and a seeker of understanding. G'Kar is the Narn ambassador, a man who made his carreer fighting the Centauri and then serving as a member of the Kah-Ri (the Narn government). Londo is the Centauri representative, a member of a lower house that received the job because none of the more prestigious Imperial houses wanted it. And then, Kosh, the Vorlon ambassador, a race of which very little is know, except that they need to wear "encounter suits" to get around and their species old, power and mysterious. VERY old, powerful and mysterious.

Meanwhile, the station is run by four senior human personnel: Susan Ivanova, the station's XO: a tough, sardonic Russian woman who joined the military after her brother died in the war. Michael Garibaldi, chief of security, a former Ground Pounder (regular infantry) with a checkered past involving alcoholism. And Doctor Stephen Franklin, the station's chief physician who specializes in alien physiology and has a history of running from his problems. And finally, Commander Sinclair, the Earth-appointed governor of Babylon 5. After fighting in the Earth/Mimbari war as a regular pilot, he was an unlikely choice for governor. However, he received the position because the Mimbari were insistent that it be him. Many at Earth objected, because it was clear he had a secret that had to do with how the war ended. And the Mimbari, in keeping with their race's mysterious quality, were told to watch him closely…

In short, the war itself began when the Earth ship that was sent to make contact misinterpreted the Mimbari's intentions and opened fire on their capitol ship. In the course of the incident, the Mimbari leader Dukhat, a man who favored contact with the humans, was killed. The Mimbari were so outraged by this incident that they declared a holy war against Earth, and for two years they waged it relentlessly. After two years, the Mimbari were prepared to launch their final offensive against Earth. In response, Earth gov decided to evacuate the planet of as many people as possible, and organized a hasty defensive line to protect their evacuation for as long as possible.

The Battle of the Line, as it was called, was largely a disaster. The Mimbari fleet poured in, destroying roughly 90 percent of the defenders. However, in the process, the Grey Council (the Mimbari governing body) decided to capture and begin interrogating human pilots to learn what they could about Earth's defenses. Sinclair was one such person. After examining him, the Grey Council ordered their ships to stand down and surrendered to Earth. No explanation was given, and all too happy to have come through the war in one piece, Earth accepted. Afterwards, it was revealed that the whole thing was due to a misunderstanding, and the Babylon project was declared.

Plot Synopsis:

Season One:

Season One opens with the usual diplomatic troubles aboard the station. At the center of it is the growing conflict between the Narns and the Centauri. They too have a past, the former having been a colony of the latter for almost fifty years, and having only liberated themselves through attrition and war. Now, the Narns are a major power, aggressively conquering new worlds, taking slaves, and pressing their borders against the Centauri themselves.

In the course of all this, Sinclair begins to uncover clues about what happened to him at the Line. He learns that Delenn is part of the Grey Council, that she was there when he was captured and was one of the people who ordered the Mimbari's surrender. Little by little, he uncovers the truth, but not until the end of the season, and to keep the audience in suspense, we are left not knowing the full extent of it until later on!

In addition, a curious, dark stranger named Morden comes to the station amidst all the diplomatic chaos between the Narn and Centauri and begins asking all the member races the same question. "What do you want?" Strangely, Delenn becomes frightened by him when she suddenly becomes aware that Morden has dark forces around him, and tells him to leave. G'Kar tells him he wants revenge against the Centauri, and Londo tells him he wants his people to reclaim their former glory. Morden is curiously intrigued by Londo's answer, but in one final meeting, Kosh tells Morden to leave, that "they are not for you".

However, Morden quickly begins helping Londo, who in turn asks for a favor when his people are facing a border dispute with the Narns. Morden obliges, and the border colony is completely destroyed. Morden's "associates" as he calls them, show up in the form of some dark, mysterious ships that look like airborne spiders. They come out of nowhere and blow the entire colony to pieces, and several ships and a station as well. Londo is shocked and a little frightened at the death toll, but Morden tells him not to worry. Londo is now something of a hero because of this deed, the Narns can't trace it back to him, and the Narns are their sworn enemy. G'Kar is also frightened, mainly because he knows that neither the Centauri nor any of the other races aboard the station had the will or the power to do this. Which, as he says, means that "someone else is out there…"

They also learn that the planet beneath them, Omicron 7, is home to massive, underground alien facility. Contained within are machines as big as buildings, things thousands of years beyond human technology. But most importantly is the alien at the center of the machine. He is dying, and summons Londo, Delenn, and her friend Draal to the surface. The reason, it claims, is because these three "understand sacrifice" and will be called on to make it. However, things become complicated when an alien ship, apparently of the same race as the species powering the machine, jumps in and threatens to destroy the station.

The alien who powered the machine, now in B5′s med bay, tells them to stop these aliens, as they are part of a faction that his race cast out long ago. B5 and a Earth ship are on hand to fight it off, but they are quite evenly matched and the prospect of a firefight doesn't seem ideal. However, Draal selflessly takes over as custodian of the machine, fulfilling his sacrifice, and destroys the attacking alien ship easily using Omicron 7′s impressive weapons. He then broadcasts to everyone that the planet's secrets are its own, and he will defend them with all the powerful weaponry he has at his disposal!

Shortly thereafter, the station is alerted to a disturbance in a nearby sector, a disturbance of the temporal variety. Out of nowhere, a space station appears there, Babylon 4! You see, B5 was thusly named because it was the fifth incarnation of the project, the previous four having been failures due to sabotage and , in B4′s case, disappearance! Now, its back, and the station crew are sent to investigate. They find its crew aboard, disheveled and confused from the fact that they appeared to have been pulled through time. And once on board, Sinclair and Garibaldi begin experiencing time jumps, seeing things from the past and future.

Back at the station, Ivanova gets her own glimpse of the future, a transmission of her sending a distress signal just before the station explodes! Bad omens! Back at B4, Sinclair and the local personnel capture an alien who appears to be the one responsible for the tike jumps. His name is Zathros, and when he sees Sinclair, he becomes entranced. However, he quickly realizes that the Sinclair he sees is not "the one". Curious, as are his explanations. He says the station is being pulled into another time, for the sake of war so that light may win over dark. They try to get more from him, but are forced to abandon the station before it jumps again, presumably for the last time.

Sinclair, Garibaldi, and the whole crew are forced to evacuate. Sinclair tries to bring Zathros with them, but Zathros insists that they leave him behind, and that Sinclair must go because he "has a destiny". Shortly after they leave, the station disappears into space. Zathros wakes up inside and sees a person standing above him in a pressure suit. He says they are "the one", but as it turns out, it's Delenn, but clearly from the future!

Shortly thereafter, Sinclair, Garibaldi and Ivanova are made aware of a conspiracy to kill the President of Earth. On his way to Io as part of a pre-election tour, his ship, Earth One, blows up, apparently due to a malfunction. His VP, who was not on the ship, survives and becomes the new president. In the course of investigating the conspiracy, Garibaldi is shot in the back by one of his own security guards. Clearly, the conspiracy is real, and its perpetrators are even working aboard the station.

Sinclair also learns, finally, why the Mimbari captured him at the Line, what they did to him, and why they surrendered. With this new knowledge on his plate, the president dead, the attack on the Narns, and evidence of a conspiracy all around them, he feels completely lost. He tells his fiancee "nothing's the same anymore", and leaves the station shortly thereafter. Delenn, in turn, has been given a message from Kosh. Apparently, its time for her to undergo some kind of transformation, and she enters into a cocoon.

Season one thus ends on New Years of 2258, leaving season two to start in the fictional new year. And as you could tell, it was full of intrigue, unanswered questions, set-ups and had a cliffhanger ending. Get used to it because this show as full of em!

KJA and my conversation… continued

Okay, yesterday, the conversation I mentioned in the previous post, between myself and KJA (and several of his fans) began. And here's where it ended just now. All in all, the folks there aren't bad, their opinions notwithstanding, so I intend to stick around on it and see if I convert anyone! In any case, I more or less got the answers I was looking for. I say more or less because I got some admissions, but they seemed more or less couched in denials and ambiguities. Here's what I mean…

Kevin's final response, in reference to my saying that the Butlerian Jihad angle didn't fit with Dune 7′s ending:

"Matt, Erasmus and Omnius were *our* creations–we have always been clear on that. But before his death Frank Herbert was planning on writing the story of the Butlerian Jihad with Brian, which probably influenced his thinking on tying together the grand finale of Dune 7 with earlier events in the Jihad. Again, you have every right to think it sounds contrived if it doesn't appeal to you…I thought Isaac Asimov's later work was a little contrived when he began tying everything together, and I never believed George Lucas meant for Luke and Leia to be brother and sister…But the books are written and published — 18 of them now over the course of more than 60 years, and you need to look at the totality of the story. I wish Frank Herbert had lived long enough to write Dune 7 himself."

I replied with the following:

"All right then. Thank you Kevin for your honesty and forthcoming-ness (if that's a word). Rest assured, I do look at the stories as a totality, and they remain the very thing that inspired me to write. I remember reading how Frank inspired you when you were younger and I feel that we have that very thing in common. Hell, he's the guy who literally wrote the book that made people take sci-fi seriously! And that's what got me off my ass and made me feel that ideas I had were worthy of putting down. I only hope the reading public feels the same way some day and I have some measure of what you've accomplished over the years."

Hmm, that's some pretty good bullshit, huh? Well, its largely true, I DO hope to have the same kind of following for my own writing someday. If nothing else, KJA is financially successful and does have fans. I want that, dammit! And of course, KJA does claim Frank as a major inspiration. Personal opinions aside, I thought I'd acknowledge that debt.

He then signed off with this statement:

"Matt, thanks for the civil tone, and if you see some anger in the other posts here, bear in mind that many of the others on Jacurutu have been quite vicious to *anyone* who dares to say they enjoy the new books."

‎
All I could think to say in reply was:

"Seems to be a controversial topic. Frank would be… intrigued I guess!"

Frankly, that seemed kinder than saying that his work has had a polarizing effect on people. Kind of sounds blamey, even if it is true. And from his point of view, I'm sure its true. There's plenty of viciousness coming from his side of the aisle too, and I got a fare dose just coming on this forum! But I got a no trolling policy in place and I intend to stand by it.

Overall, what stood out for me in all this was the admissions that were made. Erasmus and Omnius were their inventions, Frank was planning on writing about it, and they established connections throughout their works. This partially explained what I was looking for, but he avoided saying the one thing that would have cinched it for me. He never confirmed nor denied that Frank had left notes that firmly connected the Butlerian Jihad to Dune 7, aka. that he intended to end it with killer robots. But he did seem to be implying that the ending he wrote was the one that Frank intended. So once again, the connection remains tenuous, you either believe it or you don't.

However, his peeps weren't done with me. The following comes from two such people who sought to show how my proof could be interpreted to support Brian and KJA's writing who once again said the things that fans of the new books are known to say:

Here's the first, and arguably, most eloquent:

"Matt, as I'm still a "novice" by not having read EVERYTHING so far published in Dune (although I DO own everything except the biography of Frank that Brian did), I recognize that I'm not really one most would look to for comments on things unread. That being said, I'm just looking at the quotes you mention from Chapterhouse and it seems to me that Frank could easily have been setting up a changeroo on the readers. Examples of previous changeroos are when he changed Paul from Dune to Dune Messiah. Also, he apparently does have this way of doing things "suddenly" as I've heard how you go from one page to another to find a planet (Dune itself if I recall correctly not having read that book) has exploded or was destroyed somehow), so him doing something drastically different about characters, and suddenly, from one novel to the next isn't so out of touch with how he did things. So allow me to break it down based on my understanding of things regarding the end of Chapterhouse and the beginning of Hunters, not having read either one. You quote both: "That thought aroused Idaho's suspicions because now he recognized the familiarity. They looked somewhat like Face Dancers, even to the pug noses … And if they were Face Dancers, they were not Scytale's Face Dancers. Those two people behind the shimmering net belonged to no one but themselves."

and

"[Tleilaxu Masters] have such a hard time accepting that Face Dancers can be independent of them." "I don't see why. It's a natural consequence. They gave us the power to absorb the memories and experiences of other people. Gather enough of those and…" "It's personas we take, Marty." "Whatever. The Masters should've known we would gather enough of them one day to make our own decisions about our own future."

As I haven't read the book, I'll rely on the verification of others that these are both accurate quotes from Chapterhouse.

Now I will show you how it's quite possible Frank had intended for them not to be Face Dancers the whole time (regardless of whether he would have ever imagined Omnius and Erasmus up), and I will do it based solely on the quotes you have given.

"Idaho's suspicions" indicates suspicions from Idaho, not certainty. He is not at all certain that they are Face Dancers although "he recognized the familiarity".

"if they were Face Dancers" continues to show the uncertainty of this. Idaho is clearly not certain that they are Face Dancers, but "if they were Face Dancers, they were not Scytale's Face Dancers."

"Those two people….belonged to no one but themselves" indicates that there wasn't any allegiance for these two, plus could easily be a foreshadowing to them not even being Face Dancers of any kind.

The second full quote sounds almost like a couple of "superior" people discussing how other "lesser" races look at each other.

"They gave us the power" could indicate the power humans gave machines to begin with and Tleilaxu being humans then that sentence following the comment about Tleilaxu could fit and be a sneaky way that Frank worded things.

"It's personas we take" could indicate more than what I presume is the usual motif of a Face Dancer. Frank could be indicating that for these two, the "personas" they took were the personas of Face Dancers. Again, not exactly something that is immediately evident from how Frank was telling the story I'll wager having not read that story yet, but he's proven his sneakiness in other ways, so this could have all just been his way of foreshadowing things.

As far as Frank not coming up with computers taking over and men having to fight computers, I'll refer to something Brian Conway told me on the phone one time, and I think Greg Arnold may have mentioned the very novel earlier, and that reference is Frank Herbert has shown in his other writings that machines can be a threat, and it's always possible that some of his other novels about this could have been "tied together" later as being set before the events of Dune. Imagine if he actually had lived long enough to write a prequel about The Butlerian Jihad, he just may have tied the two series together with that prequel. Again, Brian Conway would be better at explaining that than I am and I hope he has time to join the conversation and add his theory about this for even greater clarification.

As far as you quoting passages Frank wrote about The Butlerian Jihad to disprove the trilogy which Brian and Kevin wrote, I'm not sure your reasoning stands.

You talk about a time period of 93 years which Frank called a "crusade" as nothing more than a rebellion. As if all rebellions never have life or death consequences. And this is one that went on for quite some time, so it's only natural that things during that time would even escalate at various points along the way.

Even if Frank never meant for "Erasmus" and "Omnius" as specific characters from the beginning of Dune (or even at the end of his own life), when I read Dune for the first time a couple of years back (before then going back and reading The Butlerian Jihad) I got the distinct impression from Frank's comments about that time that it was more than just humans turning off and then destroying a bunch of robotic butlers that had gone awry. The fact that he used a very war-like word such as "Jihad", which historically has had religious and war associated with it, told me that there was definitely a story to be told, and I was glad that I had a novel handy to read after I read Dune in order to see how it all unfolded. Of course, that turned out to be a three novel ordeal, but I enjoyed every page of it. ; )

Personally, I'm enjoying both Frank's original novels as well as what Brian and Kevin have done. I'm looking forward to when I've read everything to reading it all over again and breaking things down to have even further understanding as I've seen a lot of other fans do. It should be a lot of fun to do that. I know I'm looking forward to the new novel in January, and maybe that will help "connect" things a little better too, between the Butlerian Jihad trilogy and the House trilogy."

And another:


"Ahhh – I see that House of William aka Matt Williams from Jacurutu is here – Welcome! Your 1st quote " the crusade against computers, thinking machines, and conscious robots " does lend it's self well to the legends series, as do others from the original books. You have to consider that in KJA and BH's books the Machines have already wrested power away from the Humans that sought to use them as tools to dominate the rest of Humanity, through their own carelessness.

Keep in mind that on other works by FH he used Artificial Consciousness as a creation of humanity that assumes control of humanity (Ship from the Destination:Void series). There is no telling what FH may have done had he lived long enough to finish it himself."

Sound familiar? Well, they did to me. Every one smacks of the same "let's stretch the evidence to fit the theory" kind of thing. What surprises me is that Kevin wasn't making these claims. This could be out of a desire not to explain himself, or because he's constrained by what he can and cannot admit. If you're claiming to be working by Frank's own notes, but also taking great liberties with the material, you gotta keep tight lipped about it!


And I got to admit, not sure how I feel about talking to these people the way I did. Not sure if it was cowardly, brave, disingenuous or honest. All I can say is I wanted to strike a civil tone while still telling what I thought. Hard to do that when you think someone's work sucks! Either way, I found his overall answers to be only partially revealing, and it kind of confirmed what I suspected. I'm unplacated, but then again, I never expected this to be revelatory. Oh well, fun while it lasted!

Kevin J Anderson and I have a chat… Seriously!

It's a rare treat when you get to confront a person you've badmouthed for some time, isn't it? Just think of James Reston Jr., the American journalist and author who was part of David Frost's interview team. After years of slamming Nixon with his poison pen, and welcoming the opportunity to do a scathing interview, he got a chance to meet the man face to face. And wouldn't you know it, he shook the man's hand and called him "Mr. President"! Yes, somehow it's hard to be mean to a man in person.

Well, as turns out I had the same opportunity opportunity recently; to speak to a man I've been criticizing for quite some time. I am referring, of course, to Kevin J Anderson. After reviewing the Brian Herbert/KJA Dune spinoffs on this site (quite poorly, I might add), I began a thread over at Goodreads dedicated to the Dune finale and what people thought of it. Opinions were mixed, the debate was somewhat heated. But then, one of the contributors, a fan of the new books, advised that I go on over to the Dune Saga site on Facebook to make my opinions known. Naturally, I was a little worried when I noticed KJA himself was the man in charge of this site, and I a little peaved when I noticed that my comments at Goodreads had already garnered some rather harsh criticisms from KJA fans.

Here's a sample of what some of them said:

"It's the usual crew that likes to bad mouth Brian and Kevin. I had a suspicion that the guy that started it was with them. One of his posts after they started showing up confirmed that."

"I don't even bother adding to these posts and go out of my way to ignore them on sites. These people don't change and are limited in their ability to separate one writer from another. I wish they would stop reading Dune books or at the very least suffer from a head injury that would make them forget that Dune even existed. That way people that actually enjoy the continued story would not have to stumble upon their adolescent, mindless blabbering. THANK YOU KEVIN AND BRIAN FOR CONTINUING THE STORY FOR US!! I look forward to each new exciting installment of the Dune Saga. I would have been tragic if this story had stopped with Frank."

"The Talifans return!"

Well, needless to say, I was taken aback and replied in kind. I mean really, Talifans! What nerve!:

"As the person who started that forum, I would like to ask, have you really read the arguments of how these books failed? Because I've noticed glaring inconsistencies between the old work and the new, ones that go far beyond "hating" and other things we are accused of. What's more, I find it ironic for people to say that these are the "same old" complaints. Whenever I hear people defending the new books, its always the same. The "styles" are different, its his son, its bound to be different, but they had notes, etc.

And given the declining sales figures, I'd say its the McDune franchise thats likely to fade away soon."

Guess who replied? The man himself! Here's what he said:

"Sorry you don't like the new books, Matt. The "glaring inconsistencies" the Talifan complain about have all been addressed in the novels, but they don't–or don't want to–read very carefully. The fact that they have not attacked the "glaring inconsistencies" in the original Frank Herbert books with the same vehemence seems a bit of a double standard."

And of course, one of his fans jumped in with a somewhat harsher response:

"Amen Kevin. LOL…They had NOTES….HA…..I cant remember the last time I picked up a published notes at the book store. The notes still need to be fleshed out into stories regardless of what "notes" they may have had. Again since Frank did not write these stories, only provided a guideline, they will be different….you know…because they were not written by Frank…….. But thanks for posting more of the "same ol complaint" That you Trolls always state, notes , timeline, blah blah blah. We who have stuck by the Dune saga and have paid close attention to the story know exactly how each event falls into place. I do strongly encourage you to stop reading Dune books. But that is unlikely to happen because most of you Trolls just like something to constantly complain about. As far as the "McDune" franchise falling away, that is highly unlikely to happen thanks to a strong a loyal fan base. Trolls like you have been spewing that BS for YEARS and look 3 more books are on their way. Yeah the all those Dune New york Times best sellers that Brian and Kevin wrote failed horribly…. Again….I do strongly encourage you to stop reading Dune books, it seams your time would be better spent farming a vill or something."

Well… needless to say, I felt I was being highly misrepresented. So I took it upon myself to explain what I meant by "inconsistencies" and to set the record straight on being a "troll".

"First off, let me say thank you Mr. Anderson for responding yourself. I feel honored and in a unique position that I can speak to you directly. Let me first assure you that I didn't dislike all your books. In fact, I thought that the Preludes series was alright, and I enjoyed Hunters, up until the ending that is. And that is what I mean by glaring inconsistencies. Let me illustrate:

First off, the fact the entire saga ended with the old man and woman being the evil robots from the Jihad. I couldn't see how this could possibly be the result of Frank's own notes. I mean really, the whole thing ends with characters from your own prequels? For one, they were clearly Face Dancers, as established by Frank in Chapterhouse. Here's some evidence to that effect:

First, where Duncan recognizes them in one of his visions:

"That thought aroused Idaho's suspicions because now he recognized the familiarity. They looked somewhat like Face Dancers, even to the pug noses … And if they were Face Dancers, they were not Scytale's Face Dancers. Those two people behind the shimmering net belonged to no one but themselves."

And at the end, where Daniel and Marty describe themselves:



"[Tleilaxu Masters] have such a hard time accepting that Face Dancers can be independent of them." "I don't see why. It's a natural consequence. They gave us the power to absorb the memories and experiences of other people. Gather enough of those and…" "It's personas we take, Marty." "Whatever. The Masters should've known we would gather enough of them one day to make our own decisions about our own future."

Clearly, they were Face Dancers. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. Here's William F. Touponce's take on the ending, taken from his 1988 book entitled Frank Herbert:

"Herbert gives us a segment narrated from their point of view only at the very end of the novel. They are offshoots of the Tleilaxu Face Dancers sent out in the Scattering and have become almost godlike because of their capacity to assume the persona of whoever they kill — and they have been doing this for centuries, capturing Mentats and Tleilaxu Masters and whatever else they could assimilate, until now they play with whole planets and civilizations. They are weirdly benign when they first appear in the visions of Duncan Idaho as a calm elderly couple working in a flower garden, trying to capture him in their net…"

And finally, in an August 2007 review of Sandworms of Dune, John C. Snider of SciFiDimensions.com argued that it "doesn't fit" or "add up" that Frank Herbert's Daniel and Marty are the "malevolent" thinking machines Brian Herbert and Anderson created in their Legends of Dune prequel novels.

That was the glaring inconsistency I mentioned. Not plot holes or things not adding up in your own books. So for those who've already posted back and slammed by comment, I'd advice you understand what a person is saying first before you respond in kind."

Now that I look at it, I notice I say "firstly" a lot. Not good. It looks unprofessional when you repeat yourself. And it looks unprofessional when you – okay, bad joke! Moving on! I was also sure to smack Greg back with a little "taking the high road" approach:

"And to Greg, you're obvious disdain for us "trolls" notwithstanding, we're fans like you and we've got opinions and points to make. You don't like it fine, but I'm going to make it, and in the process show a lot more class than you've demonstrated thus far."

All of this is a reiteration of what I said on Goodreads and in my review of Hunters of Dune. I of course left out the criticism of the Butlerian Jihad premise, seeing as how I was already not being brief. This, in turn, garnered some rather civilized comments from the man himself.

"And your own comments notwithstanding, you have to admit that the behavior of many of the "trolls" is vitriolic and insulting. I am not in the business of telling people which books they can or can't read. If you don't like the new Dune novels, I hope you'll try my Seven Suns or some of my other books…or just read something else entirely. Don't read all twelve of the new Dune books and keep railing about how much you hate them. For months now, the Talifan have been trashing SISTERHOOD OF DUNE, a book that none of them has read."

Hmm, I notice he used the term "Talifan" too. Makes you wonder if he had a hand in creating it, or is just repeating what his own die-hards say. Either way, getting reamed by anyone isn't easy so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt here. Our conversation is ongoing at this point, with other salient issues being raised. In fact, one commenter, a highly civilized person who is a fan of the new books but has also been very polite to me, had a point to offer.

Here it is in its entirety:

"And since Kevin J. Anderson is here for the discussion, perhaps he can confirm or deny my theory I posted on the Goodreads site.

The theory broke down:

Item: Frank left next to nothing in notes for The Butlerian Jihad time which that trilogy was set in.



Item: Frank left a detailed outline for Dune 7 which was turned into two books upon fleshing it out.

Speculation: Brian and Kevin figured out from Frank's notes on Dune 7 that certain characters were from the era of the Butlerian Jihad which they planned on writing a trilogy about.



Item: The Butlerian Jihad trilogy was published before the two Dune 7 novels were published.



Accusation: Brian and Kevin totally invented everything for The Butlerian Jihad, so therefore: They clearly inserted their own characters into the Dune 7 books.



My theory: It's the opposite. They took what they could from the Dune 7 books in order to do better foreshadowing when they wrote The Butlerian Jihad trilogy. Therefore, not all characters in that trilogy were "made up" by Brian and Kevin even if they had to create the vast majority of the story involved to support the characters they had found in the notes of Dune 7."

For non-fans of the Brian and KJA remakes, this is not a new theory. We've heard this one before, many times in fact! "The Butlerian Jihad was based on Franks notes, so it wasn't unnatural for the series to end with characters form it." This prompted me to reply to it by stating that this theory doesn't add up. That's when I posted my argument of how the Butlerian Jihad happened in the Legends series in a way that Frank couldn't have intended, and how Brian and KJA said Frank left few notes on it so they made most of it up themselves, etc etc.

However, Kevin had this to say in response:

"David, your theory is very insightful. We had the Dune 7 outline from the time we started writing House Atreides and *always* had the final destination in mind; there are details in HOUSE CORRINO and throughout the Legends of Dune trilogy that we planted specifically to take the story and characters where we knew it was supposed to go in HUNTERS & SANDWORMS."

His theory is insightful… I notice he's not saying he's right or wrong. If David had hit it on the head, I would think KJA would be the first to say so. He's also saying how they "planted" things, but based on what – Frank's notes, or their own inventions? In short, were they planting stuff for the sake of establishing ties between their own work and the ending ahead of time or was it something Frank left behind? You be the judge!

He also said the following to me about my proof:

"Again, thanks for giving the novels a chance, whether or not you liked all of them. Regarding your issues with Face Dancers and the remnants of the Butlerian Jihad, that was tied together in the books and detailed in Erasmus's experiments to create the Face Dancers. It's not my call whether or not you found the explanation or the resolution satisfying, but it's not inconsistent with the series as a whole."

Ties together huh?

Interesting, but again, can't see how that's what Frank had in mind. And I said as such. Saying Erasmus was experimenting with Face Dancers establishes a connection between Frank's work and their ending, but does it not seem forced? Again, how could Frank have been planning on introducing robot characters in a final novel that made no appearance beforehand, were ever mentioned or even hinted at? Well, I said as much, and feel a little shmuckish at this point. I tell ya, its hard to say to someone's face exactly what you think of their work. But as they say, "Nut up or shut up!" And remember, honesty and civility are not mutually exclusive.

I will no doubt have more to post on this as it unfolds. Needless to say, I'm just happy I get a chance to address this man directly, pose all my question directly to him. I mean, how often does someone get to do that? I want to see how he responds to these challenges, as I'm sure do many others!

Babylon 5, Best lines!

One of the best science fiction shows of all time, in my humble estimation. And I know I'm not alone in this. I think I've watched the full series a couple of times over now. In fact, a few years back, some friends and I used to watch the reruns on DVD over a couple of cold Swan beers! Hi Aaron, hi Megan! And since I got my hands on all five seasons a few weeks ago, I've been replaying all the good moments.

I loved the action, the story, the writing, but one thing I especially liked was the dialogue. J. Michael Straczynski is definitely one of the best writers, but he also benefited from a kick-ass cast. I'm sure everyone had their favorites, and I can't possibly do the whole series justice in one post. But here are some I managed to dig up. Enjoy!

Season 1:

G'Kar: The Earthers have a saying: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." I believe they stole it from us.

Franklin: It's all so brief, isn't it? Typical human lifespan is almost a hundred years, but it's barely a second compared to what's out there. It wouldn't be so bad if life didn't take so long to figure out. Seems you just start to get it right and then…it's over.

Ivanova: Doesn't matter. If we lived 200 years we'd still be human, we'd still make the same mistakes.

Franklin: You're a pessimist.

Ivanova: I'm Russian, doctor. We understand these things.

Narn Courier: Are you Ambassador G'Kar?

G'Kar: This is Ambassador G'Kar's quarters. This is Ambassador G'Kar's table! This is Ambassador G'Kar's dinner! Which part of this progression escapes you?!

Londo Mollari: Do you know what the last Xon said just before he died? [clutches chest] AAAAGGGHHHH!

Vir: But they love each other!

Londo: Love. Pah! Overrated. Here. Look. These are my three wives: Pestilence, Famine, and Death. Do you think I married them for their personalities? Their personalities could shatter entire planets! Arranged marriages, every one of them. But they worked out. They inspired me! Knowing that they were waiting for me is what keeps me here — 75 light-years away.

G'Kar: What do I want? The Centauri stripped my world, I want justice.

Morden: But what do you want?

G'Kar: To suck the marrow from their bones and grind their skulls into powder.

Morden: What do you want?

G'Kar: To tear down their cities, blacken their sky, sow their ground with salt… To completely and utterly erase them!

Morden: And then what?

G'Kar: I don't know. As long as my homeworld safety is guaranteed, I don't think it matters.

Morden: (looks disappointed) I see… Well, thank you very much for your time, Ambassador. Good day!

G'Kar: Nonsense!

Londo: You really want to know what I want? You really want to know the truth? I want my people to reclaim their rightful place in the Galaxy. I want see the Centauri stretch forth their hand again, and command the stars. I want a rebirth of glory, a renaissance of power! I want to stop running through my life like a man late for an appointment, afraid to look back, or to look forward. I want us to be what we used to be! I want… I want it all back, the way THAT IT WAS! Does that answer your question?

Morden: (smiles darkly) Yes… yes it does.

Londo: (after receiving the Eye from Morden) How? (Notices Morden's gone) Where did you go, eh? Let me buy you a drink! Let me buy you an entire FLEET of drinks! How can I ever find you to thank you?

Morden's voice: We will find you, Ambassador. We will find you…

Ivanova: Worst case of testosterone poisoning I have ever seen.

Season 2:

G'Kar: LONDO! (grabs him) I'm going to get you… a drink! …It's not everyday I have a revelation, you know… I believed your people only capable of only murder and pain, but apparently there is still a spark of decency in your genetic code. It's not much of a foundation, I'll grant you that but… it's a start!

Londo: But what happens if I ask for another of these… little demonstrations?

Morden: Then we'll provide it. Simply choose your target, a colony, an outpost…

Londo: (laughs) Why don't you eliminate the entire Narn homeworld while you're at it?

Morden: (looks at him darkly) One thing at a time, Ambassador. One thing at a time.

G'Kar: Take my advice and go back to the time you came from. The future isn't what it used to be.

Franklin: Are you okay? Londo, do you know where you are?

Londo: (looks around, sees his wives) Either in Medlab, or in Hell. Either way, the decor needs work.

Daggair: Oh, Doctor Franklin! Thank you for saving our husband! You've done the Centauri a great service!

Mariel: I agree. It's so good to see you with us again, Londo!

Londo: Well, that settles it, Doctor! I am in hell!

G'Kar: Weep for the future, Na'Toth. Weep for us all.

N'Toth: Are you alright?

G'Kar: I have looked into the darkness, Na'Toth. You cannot do that and ever be quite the same again.

G'Kar: When you told me about the destruction of our base in quadrant thirty-seven, I knew that only a major power could attempt an assault of that magnitude, but none of the governments here could have done it, which left only one of two possibilities: A new race… or an old race… A VERY old race.

G'Kar: G'Quan spoke of a great war long ago against an enemy so terrible it nearly overwhelmed the stars themselves. G'Quan said that before that enemy was thrown down, it dwelled in a system at the edge of known space. I searched for days, going from one system to another. (Looks distant) Then, on dark, deserted worlds where there should be no life, where no living thing has walked in over a thousands years, something is moving, gathering its forces, quietly, quietly, hoping to go unnoticed. We must warn the others Na'Toth. After a thousand years the darkness has come again.

Marcus Cole: (noticing Ivanova's not paying attention to his report) There's always the threat of an attack by say, a giant space dragon. The kind that eats the sun once every 30 days. It's a nuisance, but what can you expect from reptiles? Did I mention that my nose is on fire? And that I have 15 wild badgers living in my trousers (Ivanova glares at him) I'm sorry would you prefer ferrets?

Lennier: Sometimes I get so close and yet it feels like I'm shut out of the important things.

Vir: It's a useless feeling. The Ambassador is definitely going through some changes. He even looks different.

Lennier: Indeed. And now with the military starting to stampede over everyone and everything…

Vir: People coming and going and secret meetings…

Lennier: You never know what it's all about until later when it's too late.

Vir: And they never listen to us.

Vir/Lennier: Makes me nervous.

Vir: Same time tomorrow?

Lennier: Sure.

Season 3:

Sheridan: You know, I just had a thought. You've been back and forth to your world so many times since you got here. How do I know you're the same Vorlon? Inside that encounter suit you could be anyone.

Kosh: I have *always* been here.

Sheridan: Oh, yeah? You said that about me too.

Kosh: Yes.

Sheridan: I really *hate* it when you do that.

Kosh: Good!

Garibaldi: I'm not authorized for that kind of information.

Endawi: But…you're the head of Security.

Garibaldi: And what kind of head of Security would I be if I let people like me know things that I'm not supposed to know? I mean, I know what I know because I have to know it, and if I don't have to know it, I don't tell me, and I don't let anyone else tell me, either.

Londo: My people have a manifest destiny. They can achieve it just as well without the help of your associates, perhaps better.

Morden: So we're no longer necessary?

Londo: That's right.

Morden: And now that we've done everything you've asked, you'd like us to just.. disappear.

Londo: I do believe you have got it surrounded, Mr. Morden!

Morden: Aren't you being premature? After all, you're people are moving on several other worlds. You might still need us.

Londo: No, I don't think so. We have danced our last little dance Mr. Morden. Now it is time for you… to go away.

Morden: What do YOU want?

Vir: I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I want to look up into your lifeless eyes and wave like this (does a little wave). Can you and your associates arrange that for me, Mr. Morden?

Delenn: Three years. For three years, I warned you this day was coming. But you would not listen. "Pride," you said! "Presumption!" And now the Shadows are on the move. The Centauri and the younger worlds are at war, the Narns have fallen… even the humans are fighting one another. The pride was yours! The presumption was yours… "The problems of others are not our concern." I do not blame you for standing silent in your shame. You, who knew what was coming, but refused to take up the burden of this war! If the Warrior Caste will not fight, then the rest of us will! If the Council has lost its way, if it will not lead…if we have abandoned our covenant with Valen…! (Grabs the leader's staff, breaks it) Then the Council should be broken! As was prophesied! We must stand with the others—now, before it's too late!

Delenn: This is Ambassador Delenn of the Minbari. Babylon 5 is under our protection. Withdraw…or be destroyed!

Capt. Drake: Negative. We have authority here. Do not force us to engage your ship.

Delenn: Why not? Only one human captain has ever survived battle with a Minbari fleet. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else.

Zathras: Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people's needs. Very sad life… probably have very sad death, but at least there is symmetry.

Draal: I don't like surprises!

Ivanova: Really? Love 'em, myself. To me, everything's a surprise! You're a surprise. This place is a surprise. You see this? [She holds up a finger.] Paper cut. Hurts like hell! Anybody else would be upset, but to me, it's just one more wonderful surprise! I mean, I even surprise myself sometimes! So I guess there's nothing wrong with me surprising you. Right?

Draal: I like you! You're trouble!

Ivanova: Good luck, Captain. I think you're about to go where…everyone has gone before.

Marcus:I think you just hit a nerve. The Vorlons must owe them money or something.

Ivanova: At least it tell us they understand our language, they just aren't willing to speak to us in it.

Marcus: Who knew they were French? (Ivanova glares at him) Sorry!

Walkers: ZOG!

Ivanova: "Zog"? What do you mean, zog? Zog what? Zog yes, zog no?

Marcus: It's leaving. My guess is "zog" means "no".

Ivanova: Like hell. I am not letting them leave here without saying yes.

Marcus: Really? And how do you propose stopping them? Perhaps a big red and white sign with the word "stop" on it? …I'll put a bucket on my head and pretend to be the ancient Vorlon god Boogee.

Ivanova: That's it!

Marcus: Fine. I'll get a bucket.

Refa: You walked away from the greatest power I have ever seen! And now you expect me to do the same? They are the key to my eventual rise to the throne! Why would I abandon them?

Londo: Because I have asked you. Because your loyalty to our people should be greater than your ambition. And because I have poisoned your drink. Yes… and it is very interesting poison. It comes in two parts. Both are harmless on their own. But when combined…quite lethal. The first settles into the bloodstream, and the intestinal walls. It stays there for years. Silent…dormant…waiting. When the other half of the poison enters your system the two meet, have a little party in your cardiovascular system…and suddenly, you are quite dead.

Refa: Why? Why did you do this?

Londo: To guarantee your cooperation! And because sooner or later, you would do it to me! As we are returning to the old ways, Refa, and poison was always the instrument of choice in the old Republic, being something of a sentimentalist, I got here first.

Season 4:

Marcus: At least a dozen ships have reported seeing something rather godlike in the area, and since neither you nor I were there, it must be one of the First Ones.

Ivanova: [smiling] You're having delusions of grandeur again.

Marcus: Well, if you're gonna have delusions, may as well go for the really satisfying ones.

Drazi: Captain…we're sorry…We thought you were dead.

Sheridan: I was. I'm better now.

Morden: You're insane.

Londo: On any other day, you'd be wrong. But today… today is a very special day! One last time, remove your ships!

Morden: No! You don't frighten us Mollari. If you go up against our ships, you'll lose.

Londo: Yes! Your ships are very impressive in the air, or in space, but at this moment, they are on the ground.

Morden: Right. They're on the ground. But they can sense an approaching ship miles away. So what're you gonna do, Mollari, huh? Blow up the island?

Londo: Actually…now that you mention it… (he produces a small remote detonator)

Moden: NO! (Londo blows up the island)

Lorien: We've lived too long, seen too much. To live on, as we have, is to leave behind joy, love, and companionship because we know it to be transitory; of the moment. We know it will turn to ash. Only those whose lives are brief can believe that love, is eternal… You should embrace that remarkable illusion. It may be the greatest gift your race has ever received.

Sheridan: Commander! Did you threaten to grab this man by the collar and threaten to throw him out an airlock?

Susan Ivanova: Yes, I did.

Sheridan: I'm shocked! Shocked and dismayed. May I remind you that we are short on supplies here? We can't afford to take perfectly good clothing and throw it out into space! Always take the jacket off first—I've told you that before! Sorry. She meant to say, "stripped naked and thrown out of an airlock". I apologize for any confusion this may have caused.

Franklin: Smells like the inside of a Martian pleasure dome on Sunday morning.

Marcus: Wouldn't know about that.

Franklin: Don't make me come over there and [flick] take that thing from you.

Marcus: Helps me relax.

Franklin: Marcus, this is the kind of conversation that can only end with a gunshot!

Marcus: Would you like me to sing instead?

Franklin: No.

Marcus: You haven't heard me!

Sheridan: You have a face people trust.

Ivanova: I'd rather have a face people fear.

Sheridan: That too.

Marcus Cole: Touch passion when it comes your way, Stephen. It's rare enough as it is. Don't walk away when it calls you by name.

Now this is one of my favorites. It was taken from the season finale of season 4, when J Michael Straczynski was apparently planning on wrapping it up. It happens after we get a montage of scenes showing how Sheridan, Delenn and what they've done will be remembered a million years hence.

Sheridan: I was just thinking about it all, and what I said earlier. And I was just wondering, if they will they remember us in a hundred years or a thousand. And I figure, probably not.

Delenn: But it doesn't matter. We did what we did because it was right, not to be remembered. History will tend to itself, it always does.

(End Credit) DEDICATED TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO PREDICTED THE BABYLON PROJECT WOULD FAIL IN ITS MISSION. FAITH MANAGES.

But alas, there was a final season. A friend told me that gwas convinced to make it for the sake of his fans, but I also heard he planned to do five all along and got the funding for it at the last minute. Either way, there were some more doozies! Here are a few…

Season 5:

G'Kar: Do you want to be President?

Sheridan: Yes.

G'Kar: Put your hand on the book and say "I do."

Sheridan: I do.

G'Kar: Good. Done. Let's eat.

Bester: Let me ask you something, Mr. Garibaldi. Purely philosophical question. On a scale of one to ten… how stupid do you think I am, anyway? Do you really think I'd let you run around, knowing what you know, and leave you free to kill me?

Garibaldi: What have you done to me?

Bester: I've hit you with an Asimov.

Sheridan: Delenn, I have been working up a good mad all day and I am NOT about to let you ruin it by agreeing with me!

G'Kar: Well, with everyone now on the same side, perhaps you're planning to invade yourselves for a change. I find the idea curiously appealing. Once you've finished killing each other, we can plow under all the buildings and plant rows of flowers that spell out the words, "Too annoying to live" in letters big enough to be seen from space.

Londo: I have this feeling… Something is terribly wrong…

G'Kar: You're at war with everyone in the known universe. Perhaps its that.

Alright, that's all I got room for now. Holy hell, that was a good show! So many good episodes, so many good lines. I wish they'd get on the spin-offs already!

Conan (Cont'd)

And we're back! Last time, I got into Conan (ca. 1982), the Milnius/Stone/Laurentiis version that effectively made Arnie's career. Now, it's time for the remake, the one directed by Marcus Nispel and starring Jason Momoa. Having just sat through it, I can tell you that the impressions it left are fresh in my mind, as is the bad taste it left in my mouth. I suppose that's the inevitable result of seeing something that comes with high hopes, only to find out that it really isn't that good. But I'm getting ahead of myself again, here's Conan, the remake!

Conan The Barbarian (2011):

For some time now, producers have been trying to do a remake/re-imaging of Conan. Perhaps its the nostalgic appeal of the original or maybe its just a retro thing: sooner or later, fans grow up and pay good money to see something that reminds them of their youth. Just look at American Graffiti. But these attempts can always be messed up when studios spend forever fighting over rights and trying to come up with a plan, and then slap together a product hastily. That's apparently  what happened here.

After spending  seven years in development with Warner Bros, the rights to shoot this film were shifted to Nu Image/Millennium Films in 2007, with a clause wishing for immediate start on production. It then took another two years before they found a director, eventually settling on Marcus Nispel, a man who's made his career shooting remakes for guys like Michael Bay, and the critically-panned movie Pathfinder. A big-ass writing team was then assembled to come up with a passable script, and Jason Momoa (hot off playing the role of Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones) was cast as the hero.

Not a very encouraging start, but there were signs of promise. Momoa seemed like a good fit, having already done the badass barbarian thing as Drogo. Stephen Lang also seemed like a good choice to play the villain, having performed the role of the dubious military man in Avatar. And Ron Perlman, hell, he's always good as a dirty, hairy, hut-dwelling man! One look at Quest for Fire and you can see how he seemed like a sure thing to play Conan's father. All that was left was the story.

Plot Synopsis:

The story opens with narration by Morgan Freeman. Okay, bit of miscasting right there, but whatever. He explains how its the Hyborian Age, and gives us the bare bones of what's been going on in this vague, adventurous period of historical fiction. And unlike the first movie, the back story here is kind of extensive. This story, we soon learn, has to do with a magic mask that gave evil witches and wizards the power of Gods. They are known as the Acheronian necromancers, and as the name suggests, they could resurrect the dead and… do other scary things I guess. Okay, seems a little Dungeons and Dragonsesque, but the movie's just starting…

We also learn that this mask was broken when the evil people were cast down and divided amongst the Cimmerian tribes. And now, predictably, some evil dude is going around and collecting them, hoping to put the mask back together so he can have godlike power. All he needs is one final piece, and guess who's got it… Conan's people, naturally! We also get to see how Conan was born, on the battlefield of all places when his pregnant mother was stabbed and his dad had to perform a battlefield C section. Thus, in keeping with his legend, we get a boy who was "borne in battle". Again, kind of over the top, but things are just getting started.

What follows are many scenes showing Conan as a young boy. After eviscerating a war party of rival tribesmen, we see him helping his father forge a sword, being told all about the Riddle of Steel. And wouldn't you know it, they even tell us what it is! "What's more important, Conan, the fire or the ice? Both! It's the two that make steel hard. That's the Riddle of Steel." Really? That's the riddle, fire and ice make it hard? Gee, I thought it would be something more complicated, not a user's guide to smithing. If knowing this is all it takes to get into Valhalla then the damn place must be overflowing!

And then, Conan's people are attacked by some big, bad warlord named Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang). Hmm, Khalar, Khal? Do I detect a slight similarity (aka. ripoff!) there? Anyhoo, he beseiges the village, Conan's people die, and he tells Corin that he can bend the knee and give up the last remaining fragment, or he'll burn him alive and take it anyway. He also lets him know its okay to submit to him, since he'll soon be a living God. But of course, Corin says no, and tells him that God or no, he'll still fall! Conan of course comes to his aid, but it captured and tied up with him. Zym takes the last fragment, completes the mask (which looks like some kind of dried octopus, all tentacly-like), puts it on and has his evil moment. "Bwoohaahahahaha" and all that.

Conan and his father are left chained to a pot of molten iron which is suspended above them. In short, all they can do is stand there, or risk dumping it on one of their heads. Conan does his best to release his father, but Corin eventually sacrifices himself and causes the pot to dump on his head. Hmm, getting another deja vu moment here. Golden Crown anyone? Conan then goes out into the killing fields that were his home, grabs a sword and does the avenging hero thing. He raises it high and yells!

At this point, we're about half an hour into the movie and the differences are becoming glaring. For one, in the original movie, Conan was the focus of things. Sure, its about his quest for revenge, but its also a big-time bildungsroman, the telling of how he came to be a powerful warlord who would go on to become a king. There was no magic MacGuffin to incite the plot and keep things going. Second, a great deal of time, far more than was necessary, is dedicated to Conan's childhood in this movie. Whereas in the original, we get a brief glimpse of a rough, honest and in some ways idyllic existence that was interrupted by tragedy, here we get a full-on preamble that kind of overdeveloped things.

I mean, was it really necessary to show how Conan was a badass even as a child? Wasn't it supposed to be his hard life that made him so rough and ruthless? Here we see him cutting off the heads of multiple warriors before he's even hit puberty! And not at the neck, which would have been more civilized; no, he hews their heads off at the jaw! With blunt instruments! Forget Conan the Barbarian, Conan the Psychopath would have been much more appropriate! Don't get me wrong, I was pulling for him, but it still seemed over-the-top.

What's more, in spite of that fact Conan brutalized some of his men (he cuts off one of their noses), Zym decides to basically leave Conan alive. Sure, he chained them up to a pot of molten metal, but doesn't that seem a little super-villainy? Instead of killing the father and selling the child into slavery, I'm going to put them in a situation that at least one of them can escape and pray they never find me. Doom at least had the foresight to sell the boy into slavery, and he seemed relatively helpless by comparison. But with this little psycho, seems to me the sane thing would have been to make sure he died in that village. He chops heads in half at ten, how bad do you think he's going to be in twenty years?

And of course, the movie then cuts to Conan as a man. He's part of a group of Aquilonian Mercenaries led by a big burly dude named Artus (Nonso Anozie). He and Conan are close friends and are dedicated to piracy and making trouble, but in truth their ultimate goal is to free slaves and find the man that killed Conan's people. We get a scene where they are doing just this, killing slavers and setting the captives free because, as Conan says "No man shall live in chains." After taking the slaves to party in Messantia, Conan is changed upon by a man named Ela-Shan (Saïd Taghmaoui), a thief who is being pursued by one of Zym's men: Lucius, the man who lost his nose to Conan as a boy.

Conan recognizes the man and decides to let himself be captured. Once in his prison, he breaks free and begins torturing him for answers. He reveals Zym's identity to Conan and tells him of his plans. Basically, they involve him capturing a "pure one", aka. a descendent of the Acheron necromancers, so he can unleash the mask's power. Taking this information, Conan makes Lucius swallow the prison's master key and hands the slaves a knife, telling them their freedom lies in Lucius' belly. I suppose this is meant to be a kind of comic relief, "You swore you'd let me live!" "I swore that I wouldn't kill you!" Mainly, it just seems cruel. However, Conan is told by Ela-Shan (who is a clear remake of Subotai) that if he ever needs a favor, to come looking for him in the City of Thieves. And of course, he will…

We then cut to Zym and his daughter, the dark sorceress Marique (Rose McGowan), as they cross the land looking for the "pure one". This journey brings them to a monastery where we see a woman named Tamara (Rachel Nichols), who is being told her future by the head priest. He tells her that she will meet a warrior, a man who will change the course of history. However, the lesson is cut short when Zym's men attack and seize the place.  A totally overdone scene follows where Marique, after they've rounded up all the monasteries ladies, tastes their blood with her claws and then kills them, one after another, once she's determined that they are not pure.

We also learn that Zym's ultimate goal is to resurrect his wife, a witch herself who was burned alive by monks, and that he's quite bitter about it. And of course, there's also the obligatory scene where Zym smashes the head of the head priest on the stone steps after he tells him his wife was evil and got what she deserved.  Okay, we get it, these guys are really, really bad! Moving on… On the plus side, Tamara got away, and it just so happens that Conan sees her fleeing and recognizes the men that are chasing her. After saving her, Conan pretends that he is going to ransom her to Zym for gold, but his real goal is to lure Zym into a trap.

Conan manages to catch up with Zym as his land-ship (a sea vessel which, for some reason, he's having pulled across land!) where Zym and his daughter are talking about their plans. Marique tells Zym, in a speech heavily laced with incest, that she could be her mother and he wouldn't need to bring her back. But naturally, in a response laced with abusiveness, he shoves her away and tells her she will never be her mother. Okay, if the goal here was to make these two seem more evil, then mission accomplished! Otherwise, all I can say is ew! In any case, that's when Conan delivers his message via a catapult (yep, you read that right!): he hurls Zym's man at his ship with a note attached. "Meet me at this abandoned trading post at midday", it says. "Come alone!"

But of course, he doesn't. He comes to the post with Marique, and Conan confronts them and demands Zym's head! This is the first fight scene between these two, and naturally it goes against Conan. Using her dark magic, Marique sends a whole bunch of sand people at Conan while he father and him exchange blows with their swords. Conan is forced to flee, taking Tamara with them, by jumping off the edge of the cliff into the water, where Conan's buddies happen to be waiting. They get on board, sail off, fight off some of Zym's men, and Tamara and Conan get better acquainted. She learns that he's incredibly noble, in spite of his rough and tumble exterior. And Conan tells Artus that he's found the man who murdered father, his family, his people, and of course Artus pledges to help him get his revenge. They're buddies, remember?

So Conan is dropped up farther along the coast, where he will make his way to Zym's fortress. However, Tamara decides to tag along for a bit and the two have rough sex in a cave nearby. Yes, the timing of this seems stupid, the dialogue is quite awful, and there's absolutely no chemistry between them. But what's even more odd is on the following morning, Tamara wanders out of the cave before Conan awakes (guess she wasn't too impressed!) somehow finds herself wandering deeper in the wilderness, and is captured by Zym's daughter. Wait, weren't they doing it in a cave near the shore? How did she wander into the forest here? Was she totally turned around, or was the sex just that good? In any case, Marique tastes her blood (as usual) and determines she's the one! Shortly thereafter, Conan wakes up, follows Tamara's trail to the same wood, and finds one of Marique's claws which she carelessly left behind. It's on now!

He then, as previewed, travels to the City of Thieves (guard your pocket book man!), finds Ela-Shan and tells him he needs his help breaking in to Zym's stronghold. They arrive just Zym is preparing the sacrifice, which consists of making Tamara wear some tight, revealing outfit, cuffing her wrists and ankles, strapping her to a big wheel and… I'm sorry, I got lost there for a second. Were they going for some serious visual innuendo here? Somehow, it seemed like they took a wrong turn on "damsel in distress" road and got lost in S&M junction. But predictably, Conan and El-Shan battle their way in, fight some bad dudes and a big tentacled monster, and Conan is set for his big finale with Zym.

And I can say without reservation that the final fight was totally anti-climactic! For one, they seem to be fighting in front of a poorly animated green screen for all it. It looks like a scene from Mordor, but only if the people from Xena had designed it! And invariably, Tamara must be saved repeatedly (which is annoying), the fight scenes get both ludicrous (they fight on the wheel as its suspended on two rocks over a chasm!) and there's really no tension to speak of. But alas, Tamara needs to be saved again, as she falls through a plank on a walkway and Zym's spell is taking effect. Slowly, she's being invaded by the evil spirit of Zym's wife. She tells Conan to drop her, but he can't! Not even with Zym standing before him ready to deliver a death blow.

He and Zym then delivers their final words to each other, which is really just a rehashing of the words he and Conan's father shared years before. Zym tells Conan that there's no shame in kneeling to him since he's a living god. Conan replies, "You forgot what my father told you. God or not, you will FALL! He then knocks the planks out from under Zym's feet, he falls to his death, and Tamara is saved from being taken over by the spirit of his dead wife. They make it out, he drops her off at a new monastery, then carries on the remains of his old village site. There, he finds the remains of his father's forge, raises his old sword, and yells!

Strengths/Weaknesses/Impressions:

Okay, I'm going to start with what I didn't like about this movie, because its a far more important list. Strengths, I got few to mention, and as for impressions, practically none! So here goes… First of all, having Morgan Freeman do the narration was a serious case of miscasting. Yeah, I love Morgan as much as the next person, and he is like THE guy when it comes to voice-over work, but not for this movie. This is a fantasy and historical fiction epic, it requires someone who sounds bad-ass and foreboding. Someone like Mako, Keith David (Spawn), or Tony Todd (The Crow), not the man who narrated Shawshank Redemption, played God in Bruce Almighty, was Driving Miss Daisy, and played Neslon Mandella. It's just not a good fit!

Second, as mentioned, Conan's backstory. The original did the best job of this, in my opinion. When it comes right down to it, Conan is characterized by a few simple things: his strength, his cunning, and his feral wits. He's tough in a way that speaks to hard living and smart in a way that speaks to a life of survival and living on the edge. By taking that away, the remake made his less believable, presenting him as a guy who was just badass from the day he was born. This might have seemed cool to some, but in my opinion it made him way less believable.

Also, in this remake, the character of Conan seemed poorly executed and somewhat confused. With his many overdone antics, we're made to believe he's a real bad dude. But then they kind of go out of their way to make him appear good, loyal and loving. And when I say out of their way, I mean they just come out and say it. "I live, I love, I slay, and I am content." "No man shall live in chains". "He has the loyalty of a dog", etc, etc. In the original, Arnie needed barely any words at all to convey this, he just played the part. People could tell from his mere presence he was bad, and by his friendship with Subotai and his romance with Valeria that he was loyal and loving, and by his determination to find Doom and avenge his parents on his own that he was brave. Nobody needed to say anything out loud.

The same is true for the villain, Khalar Zym. I was surprised, to be sure. Ordinarily, Stephen Lang is an effective actor who lends a certain dignity and strength to his characters. This was true even in Avatar, where in spite of a weak plot a cliched characters, he still managed to give strong performance. But here, he is both overdone as the bad guy and really not scary at all! Mainly, he just seems like a creepy old dude who's looking to get smashed! I'm not sure where all those muscles he built up for Avatar went, but in this movie, he looked pretty damn scrawny and emaciated. Might have been the costume, but gone was the picture of the brusque and burly old dude who can still kick your ass! And that tuft of grey hair on his chin? Didn't help! Neither did his cheesy lines: "Behold… and despair… your new master!"

In addition, the supporting cast is pretty weak. Ron Perlman did a good job of portraying Conan's father, but the role really didn't seem like a challenge for him. Mainly, he just looked the part and phoned the rest in. Then there was Rachel Nichols, who people might recognize from GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra or as the new blonde lady on Criminal Minds. To call her acting wooden would be too kind! Seriously, I haven't seen blank stares and cardboard acting like this since… well, GI Joe! The romance between her and Conan was also totally unbelievable. At one point I asked myself, isn't this woman supposed to be a nun or something? Why then is she shagging the barbarian? And the way he just drops her off at a monastery at the end. Has she not broken her vows at this point? Wouldn't there be some kind of moral conflict in them having an affair?

Rose McGowan (from Charmed and clealrly one of Tarantino and Rodriguez's favorite people to work with)  filled the role of the evil daughter quite well, but the character itself was quite weak. Mainly, she's just creepy and dark for the sake of being creepy and dark, and the incest thing was clearly just thrown in for added vileness. And Ela-Shan, a clear homage to Sobutai's character, felt like he was just penciled in out of duty. He shows up near the beginning to advance the plot, disappears, reappears as needed, then disappears again. In short, he's the friend you call when you need a ride but have no intention of hanging out with. That's mean!

Jason Momoa, who I admire the hell out of for his performance of Khal Drogo in the HBO Game of Thrones miniseries, also had some issues adapting the role of Conan. Sure, he looks the part. A tall, dark, ripped dude with long dark hair? Hell, he IS the part! But he's a long way from Khal Drogo in this one. Much of the time, he can't seem to decide if he's going to go with the deep, raspy voice (a la Christian Bale in Batman), or just use his natural, deep voice. The latter was far better, but he kept doing the raspy thing, sometimes switching in mid-sentence. And when he does the evil stare and threatening words, he just sounded kind of silly! Momoa said he wanted to steer away from Arnie's version of Conan, which was totally respectable. But at the same time, I think he should have taken a lesson from Arnie's performance: less is more, especially when you've got the kind the commanding presence these two share.

Okay, what was actually good about this movie was the set design. Here was something that also reminded me of Game of Thrones, and it was the picturesque castles and landscapes the movie's animators came up with. Most of the time, they are pretty cool, and don't look particularly phoney or out of place. This cannot be said for the final scene where Conan and Zym fight it out in the "Cracks of Doom", but otherwise the setting looked pretty good. And they did manage to make a lot of the settings look and feel like something out of the original story, giving things a dirty look and feel that calls to mind Biblical allusions, or scenes out of Orientalist art. This was something the original movie did quite well in spite of a limited budget, and this movie did it quite well too.

Reception/Recommendation :

Other than that, sorry to say, but this movie did not live up to the original or the graphic novel which inspired it all. It was a good attempt, but clearly a combination of things were working against it. For one, you can't take something like an original cult-classic and just redo it! Something like that takes dedication, vision, time, and energy. Throwing writers, a director, some actors (albeit good ones) together and saying "get on it" just isn't enough. And in the end, the results spoke for themselves. In addition to being almost universally panned by critics, this movie made only 20 million dollars, and that was with a budget over 70! Given time and with DVD sales, I'm sure the studio will recoup its dough, but for the moment, this re-release has done little aside from riding off the coat tails of Game of Thrones.

Speaking of which, it was recently announced that Nonso Anozie will be in season 2 of GOT, playing the role of Xaro Xhoan Daxos. It's also been said that Momoa's been talking to the writers about bringing the character of Khal Drogo back. The ties between these two projects continues to astound me! In any case, if you're looking for some cheesy entertainment, pick this one up and help the studio make its money back! If you're looking for a faithful adaptation of the original though, something with sword, epic fantasy and a touch of realism, I strongly recommend you rewatch the original, maybe even with the commentary. Or you could just check out Game of Thrones! Whatever floats your boat…

Conan The Barbarian (2011):

Entertainment Value: 7/10

Plot: 4/10

Direction: 6/10

Overall: 5.5/10

 

Conan, Then and Now

When I first started doing sci-fi movie reviews, I knew I wanted to tackle Conan sooner or later. It was one of the Fantasy entries I was making room for, and I thought a comparative analysis, old versus new, would be a cool idea. Well, I finally got around to seeing the new one recently, and am all set to pit the original against the remake. I'm not sure if there's a word for fans of an original beating a remake, but I think the word Fanbashing (which I might have just made up) will suffice! And by that I mean the beating of something BY fans, not the beating OF fans.

Okay, first up, the original version!

Conan The Barbarian(1982):

This movie is a cult favorite for many reasons. On the one hand, it was a pretty good fantasy epic that adapted the long-running comic book series by Robert E. Howard to the big screen. On the other, it was one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's breakout role. Prior to this, he had spots in B-movies, tv shows, and the cult hit Pumping Iron. After this movie, he would go on to do The Terminator, Predator, Commando, Raw Deal, The Running Man, Twins… in short, every A-movie that he's known for. But to me, the strength of this movie lies in its direction and storytelling. I tell ya, there are traces of quality and genius that are not commonly acknowledged.

For starters, the casting was superb. Arnie excelled as the brooding, badass known as Conan, James Earl Jones as the hypnotic, charismatic villain Thulsa Doom, Max Von Sydow as the Northman King Osric, and Mako as the narrator/wizard. Hell, even Sandahl Bergman and Gerry Lopez were good as Conan's love interest and sidekick, Valerie and Subotai. In addition, the story itself was quite creative, weaving epic fantasy and adventure in with real-world history and Nietzschean philosophy.

Despite its small budget and less than pristine production values, you got a real sense that there was a lot of talent and attention to detail went into making this movie. For one, it was directed by John Milius, who's credits include being the co-writer or director of such movies as Apocalypse Now, Dirty Harry, Red Dawn, Flight of the Intruder, and the HBO series Rome. Oliver Stone (Born of the 4th of July, JFK, Natural Born Killers, Alexander) was also attached as co-writer next to Milnius, and famed producer Raffaella De Laurentiis (Dune, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, Dragonheart, and The Forbidden Kingdom) helped produce it. In short, a lot of talent went into the creation of this film, and I personally felt it showed!

For many, this movie is a guilty pleasure, being one of those B-movies that's fun in spite of being cheesy. But for me, this movie is also a sleeper hit and a true cult classic, being smart in a way that few people recognize.

Plot Synopsis:

The movie opens with the famous quote by Friedrich Nietzsche: "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." Mako, the famous Japanese-American actor, begins narrating and identifies himself as Conan's chronicler. He sets the scene by telling us that its the "Hyborian Age", which takes place "Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryus…", meaning somewhere between the mythical pre-historic age and the invasion of the Aryan conquerors into the Mediterranean (ca. 40,000-10,000 BCE).

We are then shown an extended scene where a sword is being forged (an apt metaphor) and Conan's father explaining to him the Riddle of Steel. This "riddle", which we are never told, runs like a vein through the movie, something which the viewer is no doubt meant to figure out for themselves. After being told of this riddle and of the war-god Crom, both of which are very important to the Cimmerian people (of which Conan is part) we then see his village being set upon by marauders. After killing everyone in the camp, Conan's mother attempts to shield him when the leader of these attackers shows himself.

We then get to see the villain make his first appearance. Clad all in black, his green eyes beaming, Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) manages to hypnotize Conan's mother and take her sword from her. He then decapitates her in front of the young Conan and sells the poor into slavery. Conan is thus left with only the vague impression of who these men were, which is taken from their black standard of two snakes standing before a black sun. What is most effective about these scenes is how little dialogue takes place. Everything is conveyed through the visuals, the sense of horror and confusion coming through with glances and music instead of lines and declarations.

The next few scenes catalog Conan's formative years as a slave: pushing a massive wheel in an open field until he is the only slave left (and six feet of pure muscle!), being thrown into the slave pits to fight for the entertainment of others, and then becoming a warrior schooled in the arts of swordplay, hand to hand combat and letters. In keeping with the movie's Nietzschean theme, we see Conan growing stronger from all this, his hard labor, life of violence and education forging him like his father's sword.

But the big inciting event happens when one of the slavers, someone he has known since he was a boy, sets him free. Not knowing where to go, Conan runs into the wilderness and chances upon a burial tomb belonging to an old Cimmerian King. In there, he retrieves a sword which he keeps for himself, and sums up the fortuitous experience with one word. "Crom!" That says it all! In this one encounter, Conan is reminded of his people, what his father taught him, and chooses to retrace his origins and find those people that killed his people.

This journey leads him to another chance encounter with an old witch who tells him of a prophecy. In short, the prophecy speaks of a man who would come, who would be king by his own hand, and who would drive the snakes from the land – you know, basic prophecy stuff. But its this last part that intrigues Conan. Remembering the enemy's standard, he asks the woman what she knows of these snakes. But as always, there's a price! In exchange for sleeping with her, she tells Conan that he must go to Shadizar in the land of Zamorra – crossroads of the world (a clear reference to Gomorrah and possibly Babylon) where he will find his answers. Having consumated, she then does the black widow thing, turns into a demon and tries to kill him. Conan narrowly manages to toss her into the fire, and which point she becomes a specter and retreats. "Crom…" he says. Yeah, that's getting to be a real catch-all at this point.

Onto the next scene, where Conan wakes the next day to set out. But before taking to the wilderness again, he finds an archer named Subotai (modelled on Ghengis Khan general and clearly meant to look like a Mongol archer). He claims to be a thief and offers to help Conan, and the two become fast companions and travel buddies. Over a dinner of wild game, Conan tells Subotai of Crom and the Riddle of Steel. Like all Cimmerians, we learn that Conan must tell Crom what the riddle is when he travels to Valhalla, otherwise he will be tossed out. Again, we are given hints but never told of the significance of this. Much like Conan, it seems this riddle is something we are meant to determine for ourselves. This is definitely one of those points of unappreciated quality I mentioned earlier. The genius is there man, it's there!

When they arrive, they find a city that lives up to its inspirations – big, walled, decadent, and smelly. Replete with whores, drugs, and tons and tons of vendors. And of course, the snakes, which come in the form of snake cult that worship Set – a snake demon-god that was inspired by actual mythology. They decide to break into the temple, and in the process meet Valeria, a beautiful thief who is also determined to steal from the cult's richess. The scenes that follow are like something out of Caligula or the Old Testament, people in long robes sacrificing a virgin to a giant snake who lives at the heart of the temple. And of course, plenty of rubies, precious stones, and a giant gem (the Eye of the Serpent) that the snake itself protects.

In any case, Conan, Subotai and Valeria manage to kill the giant snake, thwart the sacrifice and steal the prized jewel, narrowly escaping by jumping off the temple's high tower. Celebrating their new found riches, Conan and Valeria experience a budding romance, and Conan gives her the prized jewel in the form of a necklace. However, the good times are cut short as Shadizar's ruler – King Osiric, a northman like Conan – has them arrested and brought before him. They suspect their heads are going to roll, until Osiric tells him their audicity in robbing the temple has earned them his respect. Seems the cult of Set had taken his daughter away from him, and he's prepared to give them enough jewels to buy a small kingdom if they would kind enough to fetch her back.

Subotai and Valeria would rather cash out now, the latter even telling Conan that she would like to settle down with him now. However, Conan still wants his revenge for what Doom did to his people, and sets off alone. In the course of journeying forth, he comes upon a strange hermit who lives next to an ancient burial ground where the bones of dead warrior have been arranged in battle formation next to standing stones. Seems the hermit is none other than Mako, the wizard who is Conan's chronicler. After getting acquainted and  learning of the location of Set's followers, Conan is off again, leaving the wizard with the distinct impression that they will meet again, and that he will play an important role in Conan's sage.

What follows are some rather hilarious scenes as Conan finds his way to the cult and tries to infiltrate them. First, he finds them wandering in the wilderness like a bunch of revellers. One of the priests takes an obvious, and borderline homosexual, interest in him. After asking him to speak in private, Conan then beats the snot out of him and steals his robe. He then travels back to the Temple of Set, dressed in the ridiculous robe, and attempts to pass for a priest. "What do you see in there?" some woman asks as he stares into a pool of water. "Uh… Infinity?" says Conan, which the woman seems to approve of. Then, Doom reveals himself along with his chief followers. Conan recognizes them all from when they murdered his people, and slowly approaches them up the Temple steps. However, during a big speech in which Doom, like a true cult leader, predicts the End Of Days, Conan is attacked, beaten and brought before him. It seems they smelt the intruder…

After getting a lecture on how bad he was for ransacking Doom's temple in Shadizar, Conan then tells Doom exactly who he is – the boy who survived the massacre of his people, and how has come for revenge. Doom's response is nothing short of perfect. He admits that he does not remember, that he must have done it in his younger days when he too sought to understand the riddle of steel. However, he explains, he's found a new power that puts steel to shame: the power of flesh! He demonstrated this by asking an accolade to come to him from the cliffs above, and the accolade jumps to their death! "That is strength, boy! That is power! What is steel compared to the hand that wields it? Look at the strength in your body, the desire in your heart, I gave you this! Such a waste…" He then orders Conan to be crucified, so he can contemplate Doom's role in making him what he is, and how he squandered it for reasons of revenge.

Conan then dies pinned to a tree, but not before Subotai and Valeria find him and bring him back to the wizard – aka. Mako! He then performs some ritual whereby his spirit is pulled back from the netherworld, and Conan is resurrected. However, they are warned that their will be a price, life for life, etc. But Valeria says she's willing to risk it because she loves him, which foreshadows what's to come. The three then set off to invade Doom's temple and save the princess, but Conan once again has his own plans. In the course of breaking in, they come upon Doom's men and a big ol' brawl ensues! Doom is absent from the fight since he morphed into a giant snake and slithered from the room (bit hokey, but okay!). The three then escape with the princess, but Doom makes an appearance on the cliffs above and fires a poisonous arrow/snake into Valeria's back. She dies, and Conan and Subotai take her body back to the wizard to give it a warriors burial – a big pyre on top of a mound!

Conan, Subotai and the wizard then prepare for an assault, as it is clear that Doom's men will track them back to the wizard's home. Turning the standing stones, the warriors remains and every inch of the place into a fortified encampement, Conan then prays to Crom for the first time in years. He asks Crom to grant him revenge, to look upon their valor as they stand against many. He finishes with a line that is both badass and appropriately Conan: "And if you do not listen… then TO HELL WITH YOU!" It takes a special kind of person to tell a god to go to hell, doesn't it? In any case, battle ensues and its the best part of the movie!

One by one, the bad guys fall as they are either unhorsed by Conan's sword, shot by Subotai's arrows, stabbed by the Wizard's spear, or killed by the booby traps they've set up. It all comes down to Conan and Doom's chief thug, who is wielding Conan's own father's sword! Conan is very nearly killed, but is saved at the last second by what appears to be Valeria's spirit. In keeping with Norse mythology, she appears as a Valkyrie, a warrior spirit since she clearly made it to Valhalla after all! Conan then chops the thug up, breaking his father's own sword in the process and taking what is left of it back. He then sees Doom ride back to his temple, and decides to use what's left of his father's sword for one last duty.

Confronting Doom on the steps of his own temple, Doom tries to pull his hypnotic routine on him. He tells Conan that he is essentially his son, that he made him what he is, and asks him what will he be when Doom is dead. Conan appears to be genuinely falling for it, but then swings his father's sword around and cuts Doom at the neck! Doom then falls to his knees, where Conan proceeds to hack his head off and toss it down the steps to his followers. He then sets the temple ablaze and marches down the steps and off into the night, Doom's followers looking on in awe. Conan and Subotai then rides off with the princess, returning to the west to bring her back to her father.

The movie then ends with a picture of an older, bearded Conan sitting on a throne, the epilogue saying that he would go on to become a king himself, as was profesied. But of course, that is another tale

Strengths/Weakness/Impressions:

As I said already, this movie is a personal favorite. One of the best selling points for me was the low-budget, high-quality nature of it. Yes, the production values weren't the best, and some of the acting was a little B-grade too, but the writing, direction and plot contained unmistakable signs of quality and even touches of genius. Rather than going for a pulp fantasy movie, a la Xena and Hercules, John Milius, Oliver Stone, and Raffaella De Laurentiis seemed committed to creating a story that was grounded in history and realism as well as epic adventure. In this respect, the movie was keeping with Howard's original vision of the franchise. Howard, like Milnius and Stone, had a passion for history and enjoyed working with settings that were real enough to be credible, but still vague enough to allow him to be inventive while at the same time unconstrained by the pressures of historical accuracy.

But of course, this critique would not be clear without some examples: One, Conan's people are clearly inspired by Norsemen. They live in wintery forests, wield heavy iron swords and worship the "God in the Mountain" Crom, who is apparently warden of Valhalla and keeper of the Riddle of Steel. Doom's men, the black riders, were clearly inspired by the Huns – dark riders and conquerors who inspired terror and rode over their enemies. James Earl Jones costumes and appearances were also designed to look as Asiatic as possible, his long hair, green eyes and robes adding to the sense of mystique that surrounded him. It was also a testament to his character that he didn't speak until well into the movie when he is reintroduced.

Ah yes, and the men that Conan takes up with after becoming a warrior slave were also a clear reference to the Mongols. Their costumes, talk and values are all indicative. Consider the following scene where Conan is in the "Mongol" camp:

Mongol General: "What is best in life?"

Mongol: "The open Steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair."

General: "Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?"

Conan: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!"

Yep, Mongols clearly! The city of Shadizar in Zamorra was also a brilliant piece of set design, calling to mind all kinds of Orientalist, Arab world and Sodom and Gomorrah type motifs.

But perhaps the biggest strength of the film was the thematic consistency of it. The quote by Nietzsche at the beginning not only previewed the plot, it was present throughout the movie as a constant theme. When Conan confronts Doom near the end, he is confounded by the twist Doom puts on his terrible deeds. Would Conan have really grown up to be the warrior-badass he is were it not for the actions of Doom and his henchmen? Hell, Doom even sounds perfectly sincere when he claims that he MADE Conan what he was, and that Conan would be lost the moment Doom was no more. Rather than being some evil megalomaniac, he seemed to capture the essence of Nietzsche's amoral philosophy quite perfectly.

And lets not forget the Riddle of Steel, which fits in with this philosophy like one of them round pegs! Though we never are told point blank what it is, enough hints are given as to what it might be all about. For one, steel is strong and formidable, unlike flesh which seems weak by comparison. However, steel is useless without flesh, a mere object that is dependent on the hand that wields it.  On the other hand, it could be said that steel is much like people in that it is forged. When it is first extracted from the Earth, raw ore is much like a raw person; but tempered and shaped through constant exposure to extremes and violence, it becomes a deadly instrument, capable of great and terrible things. I tell ya, the metaphor is thick here!

In the end, the worst that can be said about this movie was that it was a tad cheesy, a tad hokey, and that at times a little wooden in terms of its acting. That and the low budget nature of it all, which was quite apparent throughout. But for anyone who doesn't mind looking a little deeper, this movie had plenty of respectable stuff just waiting to be noticed. And really, it made Arnie's carreer and probably didn't hurt Stone's, Laurentiis's or Milnius' either. Granted, the studio then made the horrible mistake of producing Conan the Destroyer and Red Sonja, two horribly dumbed down sequels that did very poorly, but time has been kind to the original. It has made many a list as one of the top sci-fi fantasy cult classics of all time, and even inspired a re-imagining this past year.

But that, as they say with this franchise, is another tale…

Conan the Barbarian (1982):

Entertainment Value: 8/10

Plot: 8/10

Direction: 9/10

Total: 8.5/10

The Diamond Age

Yesterday, I got into one of my all-time favorite sci-fi novels, Snow Crash! And, as I believe I mentioned, that was the novel that put Neal Stephenson on everyone's radar as the new voice of post-cyberpunk. Well, if that novel established that reputation for him, it was his very next novel, The Diamond Age, that cemented it for him. Years back, a friend recommended I check it out. It was the first of Stephenson's novels I would ever pick up, and since that time, I've been pretty much hooked on what he has to say.

In fact, a little over a year later, I picked this book back up and re-read it. It's narrative, themes and content are rich to the point that you can read it multiple times and still feel entertained, intrigued and even a little blown away. What's more, the premise of the book, which is of nanotechnology and the effect it will have on politics, economics and human interaction, could not have been more timely. Whereas Snow Crash came to us in 1992 and predicted the rise of internet communities, information control and the breakup of the US, The Diamond Age came out in 1995 and tackled what is sure to be the "technological singularity" of the coming century, the big game changer that will forever alter the course of human development.

Plot Synopsis:

The story opens in the Leased Territories, a slum-like community that exists outside of New Chusan – an artificial island built off the coast of Shanghai. This setting is clearly meant to allude to the European trading colonies of the 19th century, which is something the story comes back to repeatedly. Here, we see Bud, a "thete" (tribeless person) making his way through the world of freelance thuggery, body enhancements and tribal loyalties. This is another ever-present theme of the novel – the sense of ethnic and synthetic tribalism that has arisen now that the nation-states of the world have ceased to exist.

We also meet Nell, the main character of the novel and the daughter of Bud's girlfriend, Tequila. Through a confluence of events, she finds herself in possession of a revolutionary piece of technology, The Young Lady's Illustrated Primer. This is a fully-interactive book meant to educate young girl's by taking elements of their own lives, combining them with culturally-relevant mythology, and serving as a source of primary education. How she inherits this piece and technology and its role in the story provides the inciting event to the story and helps to introduce the other main characters.

There's John Percival Hackworth, an engineer who designed the Primer and was trying to smuggle an advanced, illegal copy to his daughter when he was mugged by Nell's brother, Harv. He is a member of the Victorian phyle, a group of Anglo-Americans looking to recreate a golden age of stability, morality and technological advancement. His activities on the side bring him into contact with Doctor X, a Chinese nanotechnologist and Confucian leader looking to reunite China and free it from foreign entanglements. He manufactures the book for Hackworth, but when he gets into trouble, uses this to blackmail him into designing similar primer's for the thousands of orphaned Chinese girls he takes care of.

Then there' Judge Fang, the criminal prosecutor who lives in the Coastal Republic of China and who sentences Bud to death after he's caught mugging some people. He is also suspicious of Dr. X and is looking to arrest him for what he suspects is human trafficking. However, when he learns that Dr. X has actually created a haven for orphaned girls and is using copies of the Primer to raise them, he comes to enlist with him. Finally, there's Miranda, a "ractor" (actor in interactive movies) who performs for various clients out of a theater in the Leased Territories. However, her work soon involves performing in the stories of Nell's Primer, and in time she comes to know her and develops a strong emotional attachment to her.

In between all this, we get a full account of what life is like in a world dominated by nanotechnology. In addition to the phyles and "claves" (enclaves) which have replaced the old system of nation states, people also rely on MC's (Matter Compilers) to manufacture all of their needs. This has freed people from the traditional problems of manufacturing, supply and demand; but there is still the problem of access, as all MC's require Feeds (lines that connect them to supplies of raw material) and the more desirable items still cost money.

Things come together when Nell, on the Primer's urging, leaves her home and joins the clave of New Chusan, effectively becoming a Victorian. Meanwhile, Hackworth, once his own people realize he's being blackmailed, begins playing the role of double agent so he can find out what Dr. X is up to. His efforts soon lead to his disappearance outside of Vancouver, where he is taken in by a strange society known as "The Drummers". These people operate in underwater compounds located off the coasts of major centers, perform rhythmic, hypnotic dancers and engage in ritualized sex. This act, we learn later, is actually for the sake of information exchange, which is done through the transmission of nanomachines contained within their bodily fluids.

These particular Drummers are working for Dr. X, their purpose being to tap Hackworth's vast knowledge of engineering so will be able to complete Dr. X's secret project for him. For years, Hackworth is amongst them, contributing his knowledge (unwittingly) before he finally wakes up and returns to his people. In that time, he finds that his own daughter, who is roughly Nell's age, has grown up and his people have all but disavowed him. However, his newly acquired knowledge proves quite useful and he is grudgingly readmitted to Victorian society.

Shortly thereafter, Nell is shown to be all grown up and decides to leave the clave of New Chusan and head back to the Coastal Republic, becoming a ractor just like Miranda. However, before this happens, we continue to see her use of the Primer. Gradually, it enhances her numeracy, literacy and problem solving skills. Turing machines make an ongoing appearance, and its clear that Nell is being educated on the evolution of technology by being made to understand increasingly complex machines. Eventually, the story culminates with "Princess Nell" becoming the leader of the "Mouse Army", a army that when freed, becomes an army of young women. As it turns out, this army are the young girls Dr. X was raising.

All this takes place against a background of increased tensions as the "Fists of Righteous Harmony" (a reference to 19th century China's "Boxer Rebellion") are growing in power and threatening to revolt. Shortly before this happens, Hackworth meets with Dr. X one last time to discuss his plans and what's to come. Dr. X reveals his plan, which is "The Seed", a nanotechnological device that grows things out of the Earth like a real seed, and does not rely on Feeds the way the Victorian nanotechnological devices do. The purpose of all this was to arm China with technology that is consistent with its "Chi" (Qi), thus freeing them from having to import foreign technologies that are not compatible with their culture.

Things all come together when the Fists mount their final assault on the Coastal Republic. Hackworth is caught behind their lines and Nell and several clients and coworkers are trapped in their building. They fight their way out, but Nell and her companions are saved with the appearance of the Mouse Army. Seems the girls are now grown, like Nell, and have mobilized to find their leader (Nell) and defeat the Fists. When they find her, they naturally recognize her from the Primer and begin to follow her. The Army defeats the Fist rebellion just as Hackworth and the other characters escape to another "Drummer" compound located off the coast.

However, there entrance into the compound coincides with another act of ritual sex. During these rituals, the female participant has sex with several male partners in turn, receiving the store of information they have in their fluids. When it is done, said female usually combusts from the sheer amount of heat and energy involved in the process. They are temporarily pulled in by the hypnotic music, but manage to break away just in time. The story ends with them emerging on the shores of the Leased Territory of New Chusan, hearing the bells coming from the Victorian clave in the background.

Strengths:

Needless to say, I-loved-this-book! It's exploration of science, society, technological singularities, and its many cultural and historical references were both profoundly interesting and downright freaking cool! One could also feel the literary inspirations just piling up throughout, ranging from Charles Dickens and H.G. Wells to the Wizard of Oz and other old Hollywood classics. But what I loved best was the profound sense of historicism that made it into this book.

Take for example the repeated allusions to 19th century China, a time marked by rapid change, growing resentment, and attempts at cultural revival. Stephenson's predictions for the future played a key role in this respect, predicting that China would split between the interior and the coastal regions, that Communism would be denounced as a "Western philosophy" and the country would return to the state of division wherein it would be vulnerable to foreign influences. The concept that it would also need or want to find its own way, that it would desire technology that was compatible with its sense of culture, was also very interesting.

In addition, the actual references to historical periods – 19th century China, the original Boxer Rebellion, Confucianism, the Cultural Revolution – were also VERY interesting. As was his explanation of how the moral relativism of the previous century (i.e. 20th) is what led to the creation of the Victorian phyle, a group built on the idea of discipline and moral absolutes (much like their predecessors). His exploration of cultural differences, and how some were "better than others" was also though-provoking, though its not entirely clear if this was for rhetorical or a firm statement.

I was somewhat confounded by this last aspect of the book. True, Stephenson's predictions have so far been wrong, rather than experiencing collapse and division, China has taken to the path of rapid industrialization and privatization that is likely to make it a solid, albeit polarized and radicalized, competitor in any future world. In addition, I was not entirely clear on whether or not he believed that one culture can be better than another, anmely through a commitment to hard work, repression of emotion and the imposition of moral strictures. However, I do believe the point here was allegorical and rhetorical. Mainly, I think he meant to show how history is full of repeats, how the pendulum swings back and forth and how technology can have a regressive as well as progressive effect on cultures. And in this respect, he was quite apt!

This is not to say that I didn't love the technological aspects too. Holy crap was they cool! Feeds, Matter Compilrers, nanomachines, rod logic, nanomaterials, etc etc etc. All I could say was wow!

Weaknesses:

I've already mentioned one of the main weaknesses of the book, and that is the predictive aspects which felt like they missed. But as I indicated, it's not exactly a weakness if it was designed to make a point about history. Nevertheless, for anyone who was old enough to remember the nineties and has seen what's become of modern-day China, the notion that they would regress to a revamped 19th century version of themselves, or indeed that they would look backwards for solutions instead of forwards, seemed a tad off.

But this was not the big weakness of this book, which was (once again) the ending! As I mentioned in the previous review, Snow Crash established Stephenson's reputation for writing awkward endings. And this book cemented that too! This time around, the ending was even more truncated and odd, the reader being left with the feeling that not one but several chapters were being left out! For example, what became of Nell and the other main characters? Did she stick around in China to lead the Mouse Army, did the country reunite, and what became of Hackworth and his fellow Victorians once they washed up on shore?

There was plenty of room for things to still go wrong and several key decisions that felt like they still needed to be made. In addition, readers were given the distinct impression that Miranda and Nell would come together in the end, but this didn't happen. Like everything else, I guess we were meant to imagine what would happen, being left with a cliffhanger of sorts. Still, even the last sentence felt like the closing scene out of The Sopranos, where everything just ends abruptly and no one has any idea what's supposed to happen.

The story can also be a bit hard to follow at times and feel a bit hokey. This latter part can easily be forgiven simply by reminding oneself that this is Stephenson, a man who mixes wit, satire and genius so freely that it can oftentimes feel a bit comical. But the complexity of the story and narrative is somewhat more daunting. This is one of the reasons I re-read the book, hoping it would be less vague the second time around. I was marginally correct.

Still, these weakness hardly detract from what it a work of genius and in my opinion, a thumping good read! For anyone interested in what the next great technological leap will look like, or who's interested in a futuristic tale full of cultural/philosophical/technological/psychological departures, I strongly recommend this novel!

Snow Crash!

You know how everyone has a set of favorite authors, people that they feel inspired them more than anyone else? Some people are lucky and have just one. Others, the "well-read" type, can name about ten, twenty or more! Me? I guess I'm lucky in that that list comes down to about five names. For me, that list includes George Orwell, Aldous Huxley, Frank Herbert, William Gibson, and Neal Stephenson.

Like many people I know, I enjoy Stephenson's books because they are entertaining and interesting, but also because he inspires thought. Upon writing this, I've read Snow Crash, The Diamond Age, Cryptonomicon, and just started Anathema. And I can honestly say that each one is a timely creation, combining a cutting-edge knowledge of technology and computer science with a profound sense of history, politics, anthropology, and philosophy.

So, I thought it high time that I actually review one of his books, and what better place to start than with his first big hit, Snow Crash! Although it was his third book to date, released in 1992 and preceded by The Big U and Zodiac, it was arguably this book that established his reputation and put him on the radar of every fan of the post-cyberpunk genre.

Snow Crash:

The story takes place in Los Angeles during the early 21st century. The United States has effectively disintegrated, the vast majority of society now living in privatized areas known as "franchulates" (which are clearly meant to satirize gated communities) and the federal government maintaining islands of influence in between it all. Enter into this world Hiro Protagonist, a comically named freelance hacker/swordfighter, who lives in a storage closet and spends much of his free time in the virtual environment known as the Metaverse.

After an abortive delivery working for Uncle Enzo's Pizza, he meets a young woman named Y.T. (short for Yours Truly) who works for a the "Kourier" delivery company. In this day, couriers get around by riding high-tech skateboards and "pooning" (i.e. harpooning) their way through traffic. After making Hiro's delivery for him, she becomes a personal friend of Uncle Enzo himself, a friendship which proves lucrative as the story goes on. Since she also saved his butt, Hiro and her decide to become partners in the "intelligence business", meaning they now work together to obtain and sell information through the CIC (Central Intelligence Company).

Things begin to interesting when Hiro becomes aware of a new pseudo-narcotic that is making the rounds in the Metaverse. It's called Snow Crash, the use of which causes anyone's system to crash and emit total static (hence the name). In the real world, a hard version of the drug is making the rounds which alters the minds of users and causes them to utter some kind of "glossolalia" – i.e. speaking in tongues – and become disconnected from reality. Upon investigating, Hiro and Y.T. learn that the drugs are being distributed by a chain of Pentecostal churches known as "Reverend Wayne's Pearly Gates", which is owned by software magnate L. Bob Rife.

Rife is currently at sea and in possession of the USS Enterprise, which has become part of a massive flotilla of ships that makes periodic crossings from Asia-Pacific to North America. Apparently, everyone on board is infected with this virus as well, the people speaking in strange, monosyllabic tongues whenever they are interviewed. After being encouraged to look into this by his Catholic and linguist ex-girlfriend, Juanita Marquez, Hiro begins to uncover that Rife is at the center of Snow Crash and what his plan is. Essentially, it relates back to the mythology of ancient Sumer when the myth of Babel took place (language becoming confounded and splintered).

According to Stephenson, Sumerian is to modern languages what binary is to programming languages. It affects the user at a far more basic level than acquired/programming language. Unlike modern language, Sumerian was rooted in the brain stem and its culture was ruled and controlled via "me", the human equivalent of software which contains the rules and procedures for various cultural activity (harvesting grains, baking bread, making beer, etc.). The keepers of these important documents were priests referred to as "en"; some of them, like the god/semi-historical-figure Enki, could write new me, making them the equivalent of programmers or hackers.

In any case, the connection between past and present is demonstrated when Hiro learns how the ancient goddess Ashera created a dangerous biolinguistic virus that infected all peoples. This virus was stopped by Enki, another god, who used his skills as a "neurolinguistic hacker" to create an inoculating "nam-shub", an anti-virus, that would protect humanity by destroying its ability to use and respond to the Sumerian tongue.

It was this creation, a modern take on the Babel myth, that created modern language as we know it today. However, Asherah's meta-virus did not disappear entirely, as the "Cult of Asherah" continued to spread it by means of cult prostitutes who spread it through sex and the breast-feeding of orphaned infants. This is turn was countered by the ancient Hebrew priests, men who quashed the cult of Ashera and introduced sanitized, reproducible information with their written testaments.

Furthermore, Hiro learns that Rife has been sponsoring archaeological expeditions to the Sumerian city of Eridu, and has found enough information on the Sumerian tongue to reconstruct it and use it to work his will on humanity. He has also found the nam-shub of Enki, which he is protecting at all costs since it can counter the virus. After making their way to the Raft with the help of the Mafia, Hiro and Y.T. set about trying to find the Enki tablet so Hiro can upload its nam-shub to the Metaverse.

However, their efforts are frustrated somewhat by the presence of Raven, a massive Aleut freelancer who is in possession of his own thermonuclear weapon (which he acquired from a Russian sub and intends to use on America). He is helping Rife because of a score he wants to settle, being the child of people who endured exposure to two nuclear bombs (Hiroshima and nuclear testing in the Aleutians).

In the end, Hiro engages Raven in a virtual battle in the Metaverse while Y.T., Uncle Enzo and his men are forced to take down Bob Rife. Hiro manages to successfully upload the "nam-shub" of Enki, the world is saved, and Rife is brought down. There is also a brief side story of a budding romantic relationship between Y.T. and Raven, but that doesn't work out in the end. She's a young girl, he's a homicidal, giant maniac… what can you do? Also, Hiro gets back together with Juanita and just about everyone lives happily ever after.

Strengths:

In a previous post, I believe I compared Gibson's Virtual Light, the first book in the Bridge Trilogy, to this story, and for good reason. Both stories took place in an America where the country had become Balkanized, marked by privatization, major corporations and weird religious sects. The themes of hyperinflation, hard-living, overcrowding and urban sprawl were also consistent. And finally, the main characters – one a freelance agent and the other a delivery girl – were virtually identical.

However, when it comes right down to it, Stephenson's take on the whole thing was better. His mix of satirical wit and social commentary was far more effective at critiquing the process whereby America is becoming increasingly privatized and polarized in terms of wealth and power. His fictional money, "Ed Meeses" and "Gippers" – the trillion and very rare quadrillion dollar note – were a nice very touch; and his use of "franchulates" in the story, a clear reference to gated communities, was nothing short of brilliant. His concept for the Metaverse, a virtual environment contained in cyberpace, and the spread of computer viruses also predicted several developments that would be taking place with the World Wide Web up to a decade later.

On top of all that, Stephenson managed to weave a great deal of history, philosophy and a fascinating take on neuro-linguistics into the story. Essentially, he demonstrated how human language and programming language are similar, when viewed in the right light – language is to the human brain what software is to the hardware. In addition, the story was replete with clever tidbits of history – WWII, the Vietnam War, nuclear testing, Biblical myths – and some rather hilarious twists and plot devices. "Reason", a miniature Gatling gun used by the Mafia as a heavy-duty persuader, takes the cake for me ("I'm sure they'll listen to Reason")

Weaknesses:

However, it was also the mythological elements of this story which kind of brought it down in a way. While the allegorical similarities between programming language and spoken language was fascinating – as was the exploration of its biological and psychology aspects – one could not help but feel that the line between literal and figurative was being overstepped. In short, the idea was brilliant when considered from a metaphorical perspective – i.e. that the Babel myth might accord to some primordial event whereby language and human psychology became more complex.

However, the story is clearly presented in literal terms, the reader being told point blank that there really was an Tower of Babel-type event just a few thousand years ago that confounded our language, that made us what we are today and beforehand we were all slaves to social programming. Kind of seems a bit odd, but that's Stephenson's thing, using satire that is at once brilliant and at the same time a bit hokey. One can never tell where one ends and the other begins.

The only other weakness, and this is something Stephenson is a bit notorious for, is the ending. Stephenson himself laments that this is something he's become known for, largely because he feels that its a jinx that's haunted his subsequent work. Basically, he writes odd endings, ones that feel cut off and sudden. In Snow Crash, that is certainly the case. After a long chase scene, which ends when Rife's helicopter is brought down by a dozen Kourier harpoons, Y.T. simply says goodbye to Raven (flips him the bird) and then calls her mom to tell her she's coming home.

An additional chapter where Hiro gets to meet up with his friends in the Metaverse and reunites with Juanita would have been a good addition. Much was made of how his friends, hackers like him, were being specifically targeted by Snow Crash since they were the biggest threat to Rife's plans. Given all that, it would have been nice to show how they all came through the crisis, not to mention a final romantic scene between Hiro and his ex. Similarly, it would have been nice to see Y.T. actually make it home, her give her usual reassurances to her worried mother (who works for the feds), and for her to see her romantically challenged boyfriend, maybe realize he was okay after all the time she spent with Raven. Just saying…

But overall, Snow Crash was an awesome read and a real tour de force for me. I highly recommend it to anyone who's a fan of cyberpunk, post-cyberpunk, or is just intrigued by history, hacking, computer science, and gritty science fiction. It's got it all, and some pretty cool departures for the philosophically inclined along the way!

Hunters of Dune, part II

Okay, now that I've managed to sum up the book, let's get down to why it sucked! In addition to the usual weakness one can expect out of a book by these two – bad characters, bad story, cliches, and a general feeling of exploitation – there were several other glaring points. As usual, I've tried to break them down as succinctly as possible, going from best to worst.

1. Sequel Complex:

As I'm sure I've said before, the Preludes and Legends series suffered from an unmistakable sense of duty. I.e. the story was brought down by the voluminous amount of page time that was dedicated to origins stories and explanations that really had little or nothing to do with the main plot. In this book, things were turned around slightly. Instead of explaining where everything came from, the duo dedicated all kinds of page time and chapters to explaining where everything went.

Examples abounds, but here are just a few that come to mind. In the early chapters, much is made of the differences between the BG's and HM's and how they were having a hard time getting along. This was best demonstrated by Murbella's chief companions, one a BG, the other an HM (for the life of me, I can't remember their names!). Point is, after many chapters of doing the "odd couple" thing, the HM woman suddenly kills the BG woman, Murbella forces her to take on the other's memories, and the thread is dropped.

Another example comes in the form of Uxtal and his efforts with the HM's. After having several chapters dedicated to him and his attempts at recreating axlotl tanks so he can make gholas, artificial spice, and the raising of the Baron Harkonnen ghola, he is killed and fed to a farmer's sligs. If the early chapters that featured him were any indication, it was that he was supposed to be a main character. However, once he serves his purpose, he's cast aside and the thread that took place from his POV dies. Just another victim of Brian and KJA's writing style!

And finally, there's the many, many chapters dedicated in the beginning designed to flesh out every single detail about the gholas, the Face Dancers efforts to infiltrate the Old Empire, and the the war between the Sisterhood and the HM holdouts. For the most part, these chapters feel like pure filler, giving us a slew of boring details that could have been left in the background and do nothing to build towards the climax.

2. Weak Writing:

Brian and KJA are known for their wooden dialogue and one-dimensional characters. But in Hunters, as with the Preludes series, things were not nearly as bad as they were with the Legends series. One can infer from this that wherever Frank's original characters and notes were available and the duo didn't have to rely on their own instincts, everything read much better. However, some examples of crappy writing still crept into this book and it really showed!

Take the part of the book where the Paul and Chani gholas are talking and falling back into love. Seriously, the dialogue was so weak and sappy that I was honestly reminded of the terrible love scene from Attack of the Clones! "I love you. I have always loved you. Time cannot separate us," is literally the type of dialogue that occurs here. Who the hell talks like this? Also, consider the chapter where Sheeana decides to ride one of their captive sandworms in front of a Futar. The purpose, apparently, was to impress the half man, half felines, in order to earn their loyalty and get information from them about the Handlers (who they are, etc). It responds by saying "You better than Handlers!" And thenceforth, they become their loyal protectors. Weak!

Another glaring example is the many, many references to what is referred to as the Outside Enemy (this is actually how it appears in the text). In Chapterhouse, we are made aware that the HM's were themselves fleeing from something, and that was why they had returned to the Old Empire and were seeking to obtain the BG's secrets. However, at no point where they referred to as the Outside Enemy. What's more, this is such a lame way to go about describing something. Its not a name, it's a very basic description! It was as if they had read a footnote in Frank's notes where he described the threat in these words and decided that this was how they were going to reference it from thence forth. I'm not sure if that's weak or just plain lazy.

And finally, there is the addition of the Phibian creatures – a race of man-fish hybrids that are basically the aquatic versions of Futars. Aside from making a brief appearance in the story, they serve no purpose and seem to only exist because Brian and KJA thought they were a cool idea. This novel and its sequel, Sandworms, abound with examples of this, things that Frank made no mention of and seem completely at odds with his original vision, but made it in because the authors seemed to think they were cool. The fact that these terms now show up in Dune terminology is both sad and discouraging!

3. Weak Plot:

As all the previous examples will attest, this story suffered from the problem of making the reader wade through a slow-buildup packed with extraneous detail and poor writing before it finally got to the climax. But by the time it arrives, the entire pace of the book changed and important revelations are simply dropped in or rushed through in a desire to get to the halfway point before all the real action starts (which takes place in book II). And in truth, I was able to endure all the weakness thanks to the anticipation factor; I hung on in the hopes that something big was going to be revealed soon!

In fact, its not until the Ithaca and its crew discover the planet that's been cloaked by a no-field that things begin to feel like they're picking up. Finally, we are handed the first bit of hard evidence that the threat the HM's were fleeing was a plague that left their world's sterilized and deserted. However, they deduce so quickly that this planet was destroyed by a terrible plague after chancing upon an abandoned library and picking up one shred of document. C'mon man! Show us some mass graves, show us some hospitals filled with dead people, show us some signs that there was a terrible holocaust! This is important stuff, don't just have them figure it out and then take off!

What's more, no good reason is ever given for why the Face Dancers (and their machine masters) need gholas of Paul and the Baron. It is merely said that the former is "necessary" for the "Enemy's" calculations, i.e. to help them take over the universe. As for the Baron, no real reason is given beyond saying he's useful too. But its pretty clear its just so they can bring back the old characters and give them a final run. And of course its obvious from the get go, even without the extremely strong hints they give, that the Ithaca's Paul and the Face Dancers "Paolo" are going to meet up and battle it out. Wow, a battle between the hero and his evil twin! Nothing cliche or obvious about that!

The same holds true for the Ithaca's own gholas. In their case too, Duncan, Sheeana and the rest simply decide to start making them because they figure they might be "useful". But if Duncan is already the new Kwisatz Haderach, what do they need to be resurrecting Paul and Leto for? What reason, for that matter, do they have for creating the others aside from bringing all the old crowd back and giving them a big sendoff? I get the sentimental appeal, but it really wasn't necessary or even plausible to resurrecting so many old characters them. What was the point of killing them off if they're all just going to be back before the end?

And let's not forget what Daniel said at the end of Chapterhouse when Marty mentioned how Scytale had that nullentropy tube full of ghola cells and asks why he let them get away. "Didn't let them…," he replies. "Gholas. He's welcome to them." In other words, it sounds like the old man and woman were not the slightest bit threatened by the Ithaca and its ability to create gholas, nor do they seem to have any particular use for them themselves. So why would they go to the trouble of creating their own? Like most things in this book, it doesn't fit with Frank's original work.

4. Tie-ins:

A major flaw in this series, one which I hear many a fan complain about bitterly, is the fact that Brian and KJA felt compelled to write their own characters into the story. Not only is there no reason for them to be included, they are shoved into the story with all the subtlety of a square peg being rammed into a round hole.

For example, we are told that Scytale's nullentropy tube, which he carries in his chest, contains the dead cells of all the series' major figures. This includes Paul, Leto II, Jessica, Chani, Stilgar, Duke Leto, the Baron, Duncan, Thufir, Gurney, et al. In essence, the tube is the means to create gholas of all of history's greats. But in Hunters, Brian and KJA decided to amend this list to include Xavier Harkonnen and Serena Butler. These two characters did not exist in the original series and were not mentioned once in Chapterhouse when the ghola tube was first described. So really, throwing them in was just a shout out to their own work, which seems crass.

Also, in the course of exploring her "Other Memory" Murbella comes across the memories and personality of Serena Butler. Aside from making this brief appearance in the story, she serves no purpose other than mentioning that she knows a thing or two about wars. This did not fit with the story at all seeing as how Serena is never mentioned in any of the original books, and really served no purpose other than as a reference to the duo's work yet again. Brian and KJA even tactitly admitted this by writing that Murbella had no idea who Serena was or how she was related to her. Her voice, much like her inclusion in the story, appears out of nowhere and then promptly disappears.

Another tie-in comes in the form of the "Oracle of Time", a Guild Navigator who never appeared in any of the original books. Initially, it seems that she is a descendent of the "Oracle of Infinity", the patron saint of Navigators who first appeared in Dune: House Corrino, but by the end it is revealed that she in fact Norma Cenva (a character of the Legends series). In short, she was yet another character from Brian and KJA's shoddy prequels who was thrown into the mix to draw attention to their own work.

Her character plays a central role in this story and its sequel, unlike Xavier or Serena; however, her appearance is rendered completely implausible because of the simple fact that she made absolutely no appearances in any of the original novels. If she comes to us from the Legends series, then she's been around for over 15,000 years, right? So where has she been all this time, and if she's an oracle, why the hell didn't Paul or Leto notice her in the course of their prescient sweeps? Surely the existence of another prescient being, aside from the regular navigators, would have sent up some red flags for them! But again, this was not done for the sake of consistency or plausibility, it was done solely so the duo could write their own work into Frank's story.

5. Wrong Again!:

As I mentioned before in my reviews of the Dune prequels, one can't help but get the feeling that these guys completely misunderstood what Frank was going for. In the Legends series, for example, we are presented with a vision of the Butlerian Jihad that involves free humans battling it out with robots for the sake of freedom and survival (a la The Terminator franchise). Not only did it seem like Brian and KJA were relying on a ton of cheap sci-fi concepts to create this series, there was absolutely no indication in the original novels that the Jihad was anything like this. Consider this definition taken from Terminology of the Imperium, the glossary for the original Dune novel:

JIHAD, BUTLERIAN: (see also Great Revolt) — the crusade against computers, thinking machines, and conscious robots begun in 201 B.G. and concluded in 108 B.G. Its chief commandment remains in the O.C. Bible as "Thou shalt not make a machine in the likeness of a human mind."

When one looks up Great Revolt, it simply refers back to the other definition.

GREAT REVOLT: common term for the Butlerian Jihad (See Jihad, Butlerian)

Not a lot to go on there, but notice the complete lack of any mention of cymecks, evil robots, or hive minds enslaving humanity. Also, there is no indication that this "Jihad" was a war in the literal sense. If anything, it sounds like a metaphor for a moral crusade against a specific kind of technology, a Luddite rebellion in other words. In God Emperor of Dune, Leto II explained the Jihad further:

"The target of the Jihad was a machine-attitude as much as the machines," Leto said. "Humans had set those machines to usurp our sense of beauty, our necessary selfdom out of which we make living judgments. Naturally, the machines were destroyed."

Once again, sounds like Frank was talking about a war in the metaphorical sense, that humanity's "slavery" to machines constituted a willingness to let them handle our decisions, not slavery in the literal sense. So in addition to the Brian and KJA's books reading like pulp sci-fi crap, it also seemed to completely miss the point of what the Jihad was all about.

The same is true in Hunters of Dune. Essentially, we are expected to believe that the old man and woman, the people who represent the threat the Honored Matres were fleeing, were in fact the evil robots from the prequels. Not only did this seem like a blatant and wholly transparent attempt to tie the ending back to their own work, it also seemed like it completely missed the mark! At the end of Chapterhouse, Frank Herbert strongly implied that the old couple were in fact Face Dancers. Consider the following conversation that occurred between the old man and woman, Daniel and Marty:

"[Tleilaxu Masters] have such a hard time accepting that Face Dancers can be independent of them." "I don't see why. It's a natural consequence. They gave us the power to absorb the memories and experiences of other people. Gather enough of those and…" "It's personas we take, Marty." "Whatever. The Masters should've known we would gather enough of them one day to make our own decisions about our own future."

Notice the key words here: "US", "WE", "OUR". Why use the plural, when referring to Face Dancers, if they were in fact robots in disguise (uh-oh, I sense another franchise being ripped off here!)? In addition, all kinds of hints were dropped in Heretics and Chapterhouse that alluded to the possibility that Face Dancers were evolving beyond their master's control. And, to top it all off, there's the part in Chapterhouse when Duncan is confronted with the image of the old man and woman where he draws the following conclusion about them:

"That thought aroused Idaho's suspicions because now he recognized the familiarity. They looked somewhat like Face Dancers, even to the pug noses … And if they were Face Dancers, they were not Scytale's Face Dancers. Those two people behind the shimmering net belonged to no one but themselves."

See? Face Dancers, clearly. And clearly of a variety that had learned how to stand on their own two feet and had their own agenda, whatever that was. Turning them into Omnius and Erasmus, who were not part of the Face Dancers but LEADING them, was nothing short of forced and inaccurate. It also makes no sense, seeing as how the Face Dancers were supposed to have evolved beyond the control of their masters. Why the hell would they throw off the shackles of the Tleilaxu only to enlist with the robots? And what reason could they possibly have for wanting to see humanity, of which they are essentially a part, annihilated?

And I am certainly not the only one who sees the inconsistency in all this. Consider the following statement by author William F. Touponce from his 1988 book entitled Frank Herbert:

"Herbert gives us a segment narrated from their point of view only at the very end of the novel. They are offshoots of the Tleilaxu Face Dancers sent out in the Scattering and have become almost godlike because of their capacity to assume the persona of whoever they kill — and they have been doing this for centuries, capturing Mentats and Tleilaxu Masters and whatever else they could assimilate, until now they play with whole planets and civilizations. They are weirdly benign when they first appear in the visions of Duncan Idaho as a calm elderly couple working in a flower garden, trying to capture him in their net…"

Similarly, in an August 2007 review of Sandworms of Dune, John C. Snider of SciFiDimensions.com argued that it "doesn't fit" or "add up" that Frank Herbert's Daniel and Marty are the "malevolent" thinking machines Brian Herbert and Anderson created in their Legends of Dune prequel novels. I, and many fans besides are inclined to agree. For starters, how could Frank have planned to end the series with characters he didn't even create? Repeatedly, Brian and KJA have stated that they based Hunters and Sandworms on Frank's "copious notes" and outlines, but they also claimed that when it came to the Butlerian Jihad, Frank had left no real notes behind, so the two had to rely on their own imaginations to come up with the story.

In short, Omnius and Erasmus were the creation of Brian and KJA, not Frank. Making them the villains at the end not only didn't fit, it was also a clear attempt to put their own indelible stamp on Frank's series. And that, in addition to being cynical and exploitative, just seems like a big ol' middle finger to both Frank and his fans!

Some Final Words:

When Brian and KJA began releasing the books of the Preludes series, they made it abundantly clear that they would concluding the franchise by creating Dune 7. What's more, they insisted that they were writing it based on Frank's original notes, of which there were many! In spite of all the accusations to the contrary, they continue to make this claim, stating that the series ended precisely how the elder Herbert had intended. However, given the content, the writing style, and the completely unlikely ending, there is no way this can be true.

For one, the entire saga ends with characters that Frank Herbert had no involvement in creating. Norma Cenva, Erasmus, Omnius – these were all the independent creations of the Brian and KJA. What's more, the story they concocted blatantly contradicted Frank's own work. You can say you were following the master's plan all you like, but when the end result is loaded with references to your own stories and the whole thing reads like nothing he would ever produce, people are going to know you're lying through your teeth!

However, what's become clear to many over the past few years is that KJA is the real driving force behind their collaboration. In addition to the McDune books reading more like his work, the sheer number of books released since the two teamed up is more in keeping with his quick, prolific style. At this juncture, it seems clear to many that Brian's only real role in the duo is contributing ideas and making sure the name Herbert appears on the cover. I honestly feel guilty when doing these reviews and including Brian's name in any indictments or criticisms. It seems obvious to me that he's not the real driving force behind these travesties. Rather than criticize him, I want to urge him to ditch the leech that's been sucking him and his father's legacy dry!

Okay, that's about what I thought of Hunters of Dune and the partnership of Brian and KJA. I shall return, just as soon as I summon up the strength to actually (gulp!) read Sandworms of Dune in full. Not an easy task, but someone has to warn others to stay away! And you really can't criticize if you're not willing to read… This is gonna suck, I just know it! Until next time!