Matthew S. Williams's Blog, page 226

The Matrix: It's Loaded!

When I wrote about the Matrix last, I believe I said something about how it basically rocked. And the critics all seemed to agree on this one: the action, the plot, the tone, and the rich metaphorical nature of the film all combined to create something that was entertaining, stimulating and even groundbreaking. The only problem with having such a big hit is, how good does the second one need to be in order to live up to the original? Even harder is creating a sequel that can top it! Greater people than the Wachoswkis have tried, few have succeeded.

In their heyday, Lucas, Scorsese, Cameron, Miller and a few others managed to top their first installments. In fact, Google a list of the best sequels ever made and I guarantee that The Godfather Part II, The Empire Strikes Back, Terminator 2, and Mad Max 2 will be in the top ten. Hell, top five! Go on, I'll wait… Was I right? Yes, I'm sure there were other worthy entries in that list, but these ones stand out for one reason. Between movie one and two, they didn't switch directors! That's right, sometimes, when it was clear that a franchise was in the making, the studios brought in a pitch-hitter to give the movie a higher profile. But in cases where the original director was still in charge, it was even more impressive when the sequel was better.

Why should this be so, you ask? Well, two reasons that I can think of: One, inspiration is a fickle thing. Rarely does a creative mind know when they're idea is truly spent. And unless they had the foresight to plot out where it was going ahead of time, rarely is a follow-up even foreseeable. Remember Highlander? There was a movie that had no business becoming a franchise! It ended in movie one, so movies two, three, four, etc, were mainly contrived explanations as to how there could possibly be any more movies in the series. My apologies to any fans, but in this case, there really SHOULD have been only one…

And reason number two: Duty! If the first installment is a smash hit, the creator can't help but feel obligated or pressured to create more of the same. In the process, they can overshoot and end up making something that feels totally forced. Or, to use another baseball metaphor, if you hit it out of the park on the first pitch, you're likely to get nervous and end up hitting air on the second. And lets not forget, when it comes to the creative process, high expectations and pressure are like a hot lead enema. Little wonder then why movies like the aforementioned ones are so popular!

But enough about those sequels! Let's get to this sequel! As I might have also alluded to in the last post, the Matrix: Reloaded did NOT quite live up the first for many reasons, most of which had everything to do with why sequels fail in the first place.

The Matrix: Reloaded:

After the first movie's success, the Wachowski brothers spent some time contemplating what they were going to do as a follow-up. Initially, rumor had it that they were going to make two more movies, one a prequel and the other a sequel. However, the brothers eventually decided on two sequels which would be filmed together and released within a few months of each other. I can't say if this was done out of shrewdness or kindness, because while this did have some obvious commercial benefits for them, it was also a welcome relief to fans who wouldn't have to wait a couple of years to see how it would all end.

However, this format (and the nature of the plot) also led to the two movies having a similar feel that made them seem more like a single movie told in two parts rather than two separate ones. It also meant that the critical flops were a lot more apparent, which led to some sour reviews towards the end. The Wachowksi's had little to worry about though, since they still had the fans. But they too were saying bad things about the second and third movie that they weren't saying about the first. In general, I tended to agree with these assessments, and here are some of the more glaring ones that I picked up on:

1. Convoluted Plot/that "Matrix within a Matrix" crap:

Reloaded suffered from a particularly obvious fact in that it was trying to do too much. This is surprising considering that the point of any second act is relatively simple: find a way to darken things. In the fist movie, Neo realized that he was the One and has superhuman powers which made him damn near invincible as far as the machines were concerned. But Act II had to end with things hanging by a thread and the heroes close to losing all hope. So the question remained, how were the machines supposed to get the upper hand on humanity now that their savior had arrived? How were we to get that hopeless feeling that would keep us all guessing between parts II and III?

The answer: Well, the Matrix is older than anyone knows, see. The machines control the One by periodically destroying Zion and crashing their own system. As soon as the One emerges, they ensure that he/she finds their way to the Source where they are then given a choice: reboot the system and rebuild Zion, thus ensuring the human race remains alive and the Matrix keeps running; or let all humanity die. Honestly, not a bad idea! Kind of ties things up nicely, if you think about it, but not too much. Ah, but there was one problem when it came to the delivery: nobody seemed to get it! After the movie opened at the box offices, the most common reaction reported by movie-goers, aside from being impressed with the special effects, was confusion! And who could blame them? Between the Oracle's revelation that she is a program and that there are all kinds of exiled sentient programs running around in the Matrix, Smith's long-winded diatribe about freedom and purpose, and the patronizing lecture from the Architect about the true nature of the Matrix with all the pointlessly big words (ergo, vis a vis, concordantly), everyone seemed to be just a little confused.

What the hell did all that mean? I wasn't sure, and had to watch it a few times just to get it all down. Sure, it made sense in a convoluted way, but if you have to go over it several times just to get it, the point is already lost. In fact, people were so confused that an entire culture of speculation seemed to spring up in the months between the release of the first and second movies. And rather than being concerned with what all the speeches meant, the focal point seemed to be on the last few minutes of the film where Neo killed those squiddies. Because of that, just about everyone seemed to think that there was a "Matrix within a Matrix"! Some even went so far (as one friend of mine did) as to say that Neo HIMSELF was a program. It made no sense to me and I told them so (sometimes arguments ensued!). But I could see why this was happening. When people don't get a movie, they tend to make up their own plot. And just about everybody was doing that here!

2. Too much going on:

Another thing wrong with Reloaded was the fact that everything felt way too rushed. One minute, we're getting a long speech or expository scene, and less than a second later, a big fight or a car chase. And all of it seemed to rush on endlessly towards a climax where, I hoped, everything would come together and things would make sense. I realized shortly after seeing it for the second or third time that it was for this very reason that the plot felt so convoluted. Had they taken their time to develop things and flesh things out some more, and not spent so much time cramming everything they could in, the movie might have made more sense and not been so overwhelming. Whereas in the first movie, time was taken to develop things and let questions and suspense build, this movie jumped right in and seemed to keep piling things on the longer it went.

For example, the mythology and pop culture references. In movie one, we were treated to a rich mythology where characters were obviously inspired by classical, biblical or historical figures and sources. This time around, the Wachowski brothers tried to do the same but both over and under-did it. On the one hand, we were saturated with characters who had obvious parallels to mythological figures:

Seraph- the guardian angel of the Oracle, based on biblical seraphs that protected heaven

The Twins - Castor/Pollux, the twin brothers of Greco-Roman mythology

The Merovingian - aka. the Frenchman, a power-hungry, exiled program named after the Merovingian dynasty of early France, who claimed descent from the union between Gods and humans (much like Greeks royals)

Persephone - his wife, based on the Greek goddess of renewal who was brought unhappily by Hades to the underworld to be his wife

The Keymaker - a sentient program imprisoned by the Merovingian who grants access to the back doors of the Matrix, the doors representing the doors of perception and the keys the answers

The Architect - the judicious and perfectionist mathematical program who designed the Matrix and is based on Yahweh, God in the Old Testament, in how he controls and binds all to his creation, even the One

See what I mean? And on the other hand, we get a slew of explanations of how things we know from pop culture are in fact aspects of the Matrix. Remember Neo's moment of deja vu from the first movie? Remember how they said it was the Matrix rebooting? This was not only kind of cool from a strictly sci-fi, perceptual standpoint, it was also significant in the context of the plot. You could tell by the way the characters reacted and the tension it immediately inspired that it was important. In this movie though, we get told in passing how stories of aliens, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, and angels are all instances of programs malfunctioning and the Matrix trying to assimilate them. Later, Persephone introduces two werewolves and then shoots one of them using a silver bullet. One quick allusion to what these two guys are, and then blam! Ones dead and the other running to deliver a message. This is something important dammit! It shows just how detailed and rich the world of the Matrix is, and it goes by so fast, we barely notice!

And last, but certainly not least, the action scenes were way too drawn out! I mean hey, I love a fight scene or a car chase as much as the next red blooded guy, but that fight with the Smiths and the freeway chase? Holy crap, did they go on! In both cases, it just felt like the Wachowski's were just trying to see how far they could take things. How many Smiths can we cram into one shot? How many cool moves can Neo do before he's forced to fly away? How many cars can we crash and semi's can we total? How many explosions? And after all that, Neo somehow manages to save EVERYBODY!

3. That dance scene: Really, what purpose did that scene serve? That long drawn out dance scene with the techno music interlaced with scenes of Neo and Trinity doing it in slow motion. Tell me what purpose it served?! Was it showcase Zion and how the people were trying to celebrate their freedom? Fine! Show them dancing in the background. Don't do a ten-minute montage of slow motion dancing and screwing. It's just plain weird!

4. CGI aint setting!: Here's something George Lucas should have realized in the course of making his prequels. It must be somehow freeing to know that budgets are no longer an issue, but really, CGI is no substitute for real settings or real people! This movie, just like all the Star Wars crap fests, was saturated with CGI, and it didn't make it one bit more impressive! The massive fight scene between Neo and the Smiths, the Highway chase scene, and a plethora of other shots that were packed full of digital special effects… Well, they just showed! One fan-critic I remember hearing from pretty much summed it up: "No wonder all the characters wear glasses and trench coats and suits. Its so you don't notice that they don't look like the actors!"

And he/she was right. Especially during that fight scene, the Smiths and Neo just looked so… rendered! I mean really, the audience KNOWS when its CGI, so its not like you're able to substitute it for a real shot and expect them not to know the difference. And in truth, it just seems lazy to rely on green screens and site lines rather than real actors, real sets and real costumes; which is why it should be used sparingly, not glaringly! If every face, every motion, every effect, and every background – hell, just everything in the shot – is rendered in CGI, it's going to look fake! The result is that everyone's going to be very aware of the fact that they are watching a movie. Suspension of disbelief will fly out the window!

5. Dialogue: Granted this movie had a few good lines, but nothing like the first. In fact, the dialogue in this one seemed very hackney and awkward compared to movie one, even when coming from Laurence Fishburn and Hugo Weaving! Smith's opening speech to Neo, for example. Holy shit did that drag on! Not to mention that it was full of cliches and philosophical claptrap that made my eyes roll into the back of my head! I mean I know we can tell he wants to kill Neo by the way the background music was all menacing and building up to a crescendo, but you sure couldn't tell from what he was saying: "I'm free, thanks to you. But see, I'm not really free. Blah, blah, blah, purpose. Blah, blah, blah, existence. Prepare to die!" And Morpheus, the one-time Pez dispenser of cool lines, became a big, over-enunciated machine in this one! Not once did he use a contraction! "Yes… that is TRUE. Then let us PRAAAY, that I was WROOONG!" Or how about "There are some things in this universe that do not change, Naobi. Some things DO change." Ick! He aced his lines in movie one, sure, but this time around, both he and Weaving seemed daunted by bad script writing.

6. Neo saves everybody: A minor point, but it annoyed ME, and I'm writing this, so there! Okay, remember that freeway chase, and how Neo showed up at the last second to save Morpheus and the Keymaker? Remember how he did the exact same thing at the end and saved Trinity, even though he foresaw her death and we are told repeatedly that there is a very good chance she will die? So why does he get to save her in the end? One unlikely rescue was enough, two is pushing it. And in the end, this movie would have felt a lot more serious and dire if Neo lost the love of his life in the end. Hell, it would have been the perfect Act II downturn! He decides to forsake all other humans in order to save her, but then can't! Can you feel the tragedy? I think movie-goers would have left thinking this movie made a lot more sense if that had happened! And before anyone tells me that'd be too sad, let me remind them that she dies anyway in Act III. This way, Neo goes into the final installment bitter, sad and full or rage; ready to kill and even die for the sake of one final act of vengeance/sacrifice in order to save Zion!

7. Holes: Even though I chose to challenge the whole "Matrix within a Matrix" idea on the basis that it made less sense than the actual movie, it did still have holes in it that could not be ignored. For instance, if the Oracle is on the side of humanity, why has she been helping them to fulfill the Architect's plans for so long? By sending Neo, and all other Ones, to the Source, she's been ensuring that the cycle keeps going. Zion keeps getting destroyed, the system keeps getting rebooted, world keeps on spinning and humanity remains enslaved. Sure, Neo broke that cycle, but in essence, she was screwing all those that came before him. Each and every one would have heeded her advice, gone to the Source, and then found out she was part of the whole thing and felt betrayed. I wonder how that must have sat with her, knowing all those Ones who trusted her ended up being screwed!

And second, that whole cyclical plot was basically broken by one act of defiance. When Neo was given the choice by the Architect, he basically decides to try and save Trinity, and in the process condemned Zion and all humans still hooked into to the system to die. Did the Oracle foresee this?

Did she foresee that at one point, a One would come along who could break the whole cycle by telling the Architect to get fucked, spawn a rogue Smith who would threaten to take over the Matrix, cut a deal with the Source to spare Zion, fail to stop him and get himself assimilated, then get killed by the Source, thus killing off Smith and injecting the reboot code into the Matrix at the same time and rebooting the whole system in the process? Wow, just saying it makes my eyes cross! I can't imagine how she must have felt! Point is, its hokey and kinda damn weird!

Next, there's the question of timing. Essentially, we are told by the Architect that Neo was at the Source because Zion was "about to be destroyed". Concordantly (ha!), the Matrix was about to go down unless he rebooted it with the code he got from passing into the Source. But here's the thing! During much of the movie, there was still a good chance that the forces of Zion could have stopped or at least slowed the machines down before they reached Zion. The only reason why they made it to the front door without incident was because a Smith took over Bane (a human resistance fighter) and set off one of the ship's EMPs, thus disabling Zion's fleet ahead of time. If the Zionites had been keeping the machines back when the Matrix went down (because Neo chose not to reboot it) wouldn't that mean the machines themselves would die off? The Matrix is their main power source, so keeping 250,000 squiddies alive would become very difficult. At the very least, they'd be right screwed in the long run! Humanity's eventual victory would be guaranteed!

Makes you think doesn't it? No? Maybe its just me!

In short, The Matrix: Reloaded suffered because the Wachowskis were clearly trying to do too much with this one film. On the one hand, they were trying to top the action scenes from the first. On the other, they were trying to live up or even outdo the mythology of the first. All that seems perfectly natural considering the hype they knew they were generating. After the success of the Matrix, expectations were high and any effort on their part to follow it up would be surrounded by buzz, expectations and high hopes. But if you try to compensate for all that by cramming more, more, more in, you get what you pay for in the end.

Ultimately, I think this movie and the final installment were good examples of what not to do with a franchise. In essence, stay true to the concept and don't try to outdo it. And, wherever possible, plan for an eventual sequel ahead of time. Hell, that's what Lucas did and look what came out of that! Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi! On the other hand, he never bothered to storyboard the prequels til well into the 90′s, and look what happened there… On second thought, don't! No sense opening up THAT can of worms again!

The Matrix: Reloaded

Entertainment Value: 8/10 (still entertaining)

Plot: 6/10 (convoluted!)

Direction: 8/10

Total: 7.5/10

Note: examples of Matrix mythology can be found at www.matrixmythology.com)

Matrix, best lines!

As I realized about two sentences into writing my review for the Matrix, a seperate post would need to be created just for all the great lines of dialogue! Not just one-liners; no, this baby also boasted some of best back and forth bits of writing in recent memory. Here are just some of the gems, in no particular order…

Morpheus: What is the Matrix? Control. The Matrix is a computer-generated dream world built to keep us under control in order to change a human being into this (holds up a battery)

Neo: No, I don't believe it. It's not possible.

Morpheus: I didn't say it would be easy, Neo. I just said it would be the truth.

Oracle: Do you know what that means? (Points to banner) It means know thyself. I wanna tell you a little secret, being The One is just like being in love. No one needs to tell you you are in love, you just know it, through and through.

Morpheus: The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it. (Woman in red dress walks by) Neo? Were you listening to me, Neo? Or were you looking at the woman in the red dress?

Neo: I was…

Morpheus: Look again. (Agent Smith points a gun at his head) Freeze it.

(Everything freezes)

Neo: This… this isn't the Matrix?

Morpheus: No. It is another training program designed to teach you one thing: if you are not one of us, you are one of them.

Cypher: All I do is what he tells me to do. If I had to choose between that and the Matrix, I'd choose the Matrix.

Trinity: The Matrix isn't real.

Cypher: I disagree, Trinity. I think that the Matrix can be more real than this world. All I do is pull a plug here, but there… you have to watch Apoc die.

Trinity: I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing… why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Neo. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.

Neo: What is the Matrix?

Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.

Morpheus: Do you believe in fate, Neo?

Neo: No.

Morpheus: Why not?

Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

Morpheus: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Neo: The Matrix.

Morpheus: Do you want to know what it is?

Neo: Yes.

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Neo: What truth?

Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.

Morpheus: The pill you took is part of a trace program. It's designed to disrupt your input/output carrier signal so we can pinpoint your location.

Neo: What does that mean?

Cypher: It means fasten your seat belt Dorothy, 'cause Kansas is going bye-bye.

Morpheus: I won't lie to you, Neo. Every single man or woman who has stood their ground, everyone who has fought an agent has died. But where they have failed, you will succeed.

Neo: Why?

Morpheus: I've seen an agent punch through a concrete wall; men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but air; yet, their strength, and their speed, are still based in a world that is built on rules. Because of that, they will never be as strong, or as fast, as *you* can be."

Neo: What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?

Morpheus: No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to.

Neo: Yeah. Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about, I give you the finger… and you give me my phone call.

Agent Jones: Only human.

Trinity: Dodge this (Boom!)

Agent Smith: You hear that Mr. Anderson?… That is the sound of inevitability… It is the sound of your death… Goodbye, Mr. Anderson…

Neo: My name… is Neo.

Agent Smith: The great Morpheus. We meet at last.

Morpheus: And you are?

Agent Smith: A Smith. Agent Smith.

Morpheus: You all look the same to me.

Neo: I know kung fu.

Morpheus: Show me.

Morpheus: How did I beat you?

Neo: You… you're too fast.

Morpheus: Do you believe that my being stronger or faster has anything to do with my muscles in this place? Do you think that's air you're breathing now?

Morpheus: "C'mon! Stop trying to hit me and hit me!"

Agent Smith: It seems that you've been living two lives. One life, you're Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company. You have a social security number, pay your taxes, and you… help your landlady carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the hacker alias "Neo" and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.

Neo: I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid… you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

And that's where it ended! Coming up next, The Matrix: Reloaded and all it did right and wrong.

The Matrix Trilogy!

"You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth…" Damn that was a good line! If only I could convey Laurence Fishburn's smooth basso voice through this medium. No joke, I actually do a pretty fair impression. And that was just the tip of the iceburg. But I'm not here to talk about the Matrix's best one-liners, most of which were said by Fishburn. That I'll save for another post! No, today I wanna talk about the sci-fi movie trilogy that was one of the most influential of the late 90′s and early millennium. How it all began with a little film noire, cutting-edge action and f/x, and was then followed up by two decent but critically disappointing sequels. Yep, welcome to the Matrix!

The Matrix:

As I already said, this movie was hugely influential, and not just because of what it did right in terms of special effects, tone, and visuals. No, this was a movie that combined all those with a storyline that was so deep and multi-layered, people would spend years afterward trying to discern every level of meaning they could from it. And why shouldn't they? The concept of an alternate reality where people are deceived into accepting a fantasy world so that the powers that be can continue to exploit them – need I say more? Already you've got something that intellectuals ranging from Marxists, Existentialists, Jungians, Freudians, social psychologists and labor critics will want to pour over and lay claim to! And that's exactly what happened.

Almost immediately after the release of the movie, people from each and every walk of life were trying to say that the movie's message was something akin to their own philosophies. "The Matrix is a metaphor for industrial society! "No, it's a metaphor for class-warfare!" "No, it's a metaphor for false-consciousness!" "No, it's a metaphor for the futility of belief systems and the need to define your own existence!" "No, it's a metaphor for the struggle of the individual to self-actualize amidst the herd." "Shut up, you're all right!" One of the main reasons the Matrix was so influential and such a big hit was the fact that it had such a broad appeal. It had something for everyone, and I don't just mean the ivory tower types. It was fun, action-packed, yet smart enough that you didn't have to check your brain at the door. But I don't want to go long here so let me just break down what it did well!

Sci-fi Premise: In truth, when I was first watching it I found the movie's big revelation (as far as science fiction ideas go) just the slightest bit hokey. We created AI, we got into a war with them and destroyed the world as we know it. To survive, they converted us into a great big power plant and feed us an alternate reality to keep us docile and controlled. It was pretty novel, and made perfect sense, but I guess I thought that explaining this alternate reality in any real terms kind of brought it down. Up until that point there was a whole lot of David Lynch-type weirdness and suspense going on, and once the sci-fi foundation became clear… I dunno, just seemed a tad incongruous. In a way, it was like Dark City, a noire-suspense movie that was pretty damn intriguing until they made it about aliens. Somehow, those two genres just didn't seem to fit.

But that's when it hit me. The explanation for what the Matrix was almost didn't matter. At that point, you found yourself so engrossed in the richness of the idea that ANY explanation as to what it really was would feel like a letdown. It was one of those moments where you just went "Oh! Ohhhhh…". But what can you do? Sooner or later you have to explain what's going on, otherwise you end up exactly like David Lynch, making movies no one understands but them damn intellectuals! And like I said, the plot made perfect sense and was actually pretty damn cool once they got right down to it. The AI thing has been done to death, but never before had anyone considered how a race of evil machines might come to rely on human physiology to fulfill all their evil-machine needs.

Wake Up!: And let's not forget the extremely potent metaphor about wakefulness and sleeping. Already, the Wachowski brothers were handing the critics and intellectuals something they could ponder on and fight over like a piece of meat. What is the significance of this being asleep in a false reality and the need to wake up and accept the harsh truth? Is it a metaphor for false consciousness and class conflict, where the workers must wake up and realize they are chained and break free? Is it about the individual who must throw off the comforting illusions about a moral universe and a loving God in order to see the truth of how the universe is a harsh, cruel place? Who knows, who cares? Point is, it worked! And it was done so right that it really didn't matter. Take for example Morpheus, the Greek god of sleep of dreams who acts as Neo's guide the world of the Matrix. He is clearly the wise man/father figure of the bunch who is seeking to enlighten Neo, and his dialogue throughout the movie is punctuated by this idea of dreams and the need to awaken:

"I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?" "You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up." "Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?" And of course, who can forget the tagline: "Welcome to the real world." Hell, even Keanu Reeves gets a good one in there: "You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're awake or still dreaming?"

See? It's appropriate and fitting, relying on existential undertones, mythological/literary references, and poignant imagery to construct a world in which people are suffering from a delusion and need to break free. Even the theme song, "Wake Up" by Rage Against the Machine seemed like it was written especially for the movie (Rage can always be counted on to provide a hard rock anthem for anything revolutionary!)

Free-Will vs. Determinism: Here is something that could have easily gone wrong, and yet it didn't. In truth, this movie managed to present the whole free-will/determinism in a way that was actually pretty faithful and interesting. On the one hand, Neo tells Morpheus that he rejects the idea of fate in favor of free will, and even though Morpheus seems to agree with him on this, he also believes that Neo's fate has been written. He is the One, you see, the one who's return was foretold by The Oracle. Seems like we are being told that fate is real and free-will is an illusion. Sounds simple enough. And yet, when Neo goes to see the Oracle, the one who's been telling everyone what's to happen, she tells him flat out that he's not the One. He's got the gift, but he's not ready or something. Moreover, she tells him that Morpheus will sacrifice himself needlessly to protect Neo and his belief in him. Now we're being told that choice is the overriding thing and how blind faith is potentially lethal.

Seems free will is making a comeback.

So naturally, Neo goes to save Morpheus when he's captured and succeeds… all indications point to the very real possibility of him being the One and that his Fate (capital F) is playing out. How can this be? Well, Morpheus explains that what the Oracle was really telling him what he needed to know so he could make the right choice when the time came. She's not the type to just give it away, you see. Or, if you wanna go that route, that the path is set, but its up to the individual to choose to walk it. Morpheus even says it as such: "She told you exactly what you needed to hear. Neo, sooner or later you're going to realize just as I did that there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." Through all this, we're not entirely sure what to believe, but it seems to me that they are making the argument that fate and free will are intertwined, the one blending indistinguishably into the other (which is supposed to be the point of the whole debate, if I'm not mistaken!)

Mythology: Already I mentioned Morpheus' character and the clear mythological reference he represented. Alas, there was the Oracle too, who's character is also borrowed from Greek mythology (the Fates). Like Morpheus, she acts as a sort of ethereal guide who's advice is conveyed in a forms that are portentous and vague, but always helpful and accurate in the end! And let's not forget Trinity, a clear reference to the Father-Son-Holy Spirt combo! Granted, I had a hard time figuring out exactly how Trinity fits this profile, but one could argue she's a trinity of her own: warrior to the cause, lover to Neo, and surrogate daughter to Morpheus. But a better one I'd say comes in the form of her mentoring role to Neo. Already he has had two mentors who show him the path: Morpheus who brings him to wakefulness and the Oracle who challenges him to believe and choose. She makes three in the way she at last reveals to him that he is the One through her love. Therein, perhaps, lies the real Trinity: the Guide, the Oracle, and the Lover. Woo, that was deep! And let's not forget, Neo has plenty of Jesus stuff going on too. He is the prodigal son, after all, the one who freed the first of the free people of Zion (speaking of Biblical references!) and was prophesied to return. And remember the way he was resurrected at the end, and through the power of LOVE? Yeah… that'd be Jesus! But don't get me wrong, it wasn't cheesy! It was actually pretty damn stimulating. Here is another thing that can easily go wrong or seem preachy, but the Wachowski's pulled it off without a hitch!

Literary: And of course there were the numerous references, scriptural and visual, to Alice in Wonderland. Morpheus greeting to Neo, where he compared Neo to Alice? That was just the first time it came up. Almost immediately thereafter, we get that eerie shot where Morpheus is offering Neo the two pills. The image of the pills and Neo are reflected in Morpheus' big shades as he tells Neo that he has a chance to wake up or, as he puts it, "stay in Wonderland". And again, next shot, Neo is in a room where he peers into a cracked mirror which heals before his eyes and then turns into a liquid mercury that threatens to consume him after he touches it. All the while Morpheus is talking to him about the real world and the dream world. Can you say "Alice and the looking glass"? Then there's the bit about the spoon-bending, and how Neo catches his reflection in it as it bends. And of course near the end: "Mr. Wizard, I need an exit." Dude, all I can say is "Whoaaaa!" (Sorry Keanu, I know you hate that!)

Disbelief: One thing I definitely loved about this movie was the many subtle references to truth and belief. Again and again, characters are being confronted with situations that are real, but they cannot accept. It only serves to punctuate and underline the whole theme of the movie, how reality is sometimes harsh and one must learn to accept what's in front of them and not what they prefer to think. Consider when Neo is told the truth about the Matrix: "No, I don't believe it. It's not possible." "I didn't say it would be easy, Neo. I only said it would be the truth." Or the scene where Neo and Morpheus are in the jump program: "You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind." Naturally, Neo fails, as everyone does. The lesson being that the mind makes the alternate reality real, and that if one is to survive in it, they have to know how to manipulate it to their advantage. And of course, when Cypher gets burned: "No! I don't believe it!" "Believe it or not, you piece of shit, you're still gonna burn!" replies Tank, before scorching him! Oh, and last, when Neo is shot and apparently killed. What does Morpheus say: "Can't be…" Of course you knew he wasn't, but wasn't it better that they included that final act twist!

Badass Look: Remember those dark glasses and trench coats and how perfectly they worked with concealed guns? Yeah, we all know what happened with it. In addition to all the pain and suffering those Columbine assholes caused, they ruined a perfectly good look! But it was cool while it lasted. And those gun fight scenes and the martial arts… holy hell! Much like Lucas, they knew exactly where to draw their inspiration from. Kung Fu classics like the Bruce Lee lineup, westerns and John Woo shoot em ups! And with all the death defying, anti-gravity stuff they were able to throw in, not to mention all the slow motion bullet-time effects, it was like action was redefined for a new generation. I can't even recall how many movies ripped off the directorial style or effects the Wachowski brothers pioneered with this movie!

Hacker Theme: Another bunch who must have loved this movie were hackers. For years now I've been studying hackers and hacking as a phenomenon, largely because of the relevance they play in the digital age. And I can honestly say, this movie was part of what got me interested in the first place. The way every member of the resistance began as a hacker and how their natural "affinity for disobedience" (as Morpheus put it in Reloaded) led them to their current path? Hackers everywhere must have been rejoicing to see that they were the heroes of a movie other than Hackers! And let's not deny that this added another layer of meaning to an already multi-layered movie. In addition to the Marxist/Existentialist stuff, we also got some commentary about how in the digital age, the hacker is tantamount to the freedom fighter! Their enemy, government and industry and their attempts to control the flow of information and monitor all our habits. Not bad, huh?

Wicked Lines: I've already mentioned a few gems, and like I said, I'll probably have to dedicate an entire page to them later. But I'll be damned if I don't mention how many gold nuggets were to be found in the script here. With this movie, the Wachowski brothers seemed to stumble onto the secret of good dialogue. Short, sweet, sharp, and best when delivered by Fishburn! Hugo Weaving too… this movie WAS his breakout role after all! Here's a shortlist (most of which are from Fishburn!)

Morpheus: "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes."

"Sentient programs. They can move in and out of any software still hard-wired to their system. That means that anyone we haven't unplugged is potentially an agent. Inside the Matrix, they are everyone and they are no one. We have survived by hiding from them, by running from them, but they are the gatekeepers. They are guarding all the doors, they are holding all the keys, which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them."

"You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I'm offering is the truth, nothing more."

"If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain."

Agent Smith: "Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization. I say your civilization, because as soon as we started thinking for you it really became our civilization, which is of course what this is all about. Evolution, Morpheus, evolution. Like the dinosaur. Look out that window. You've had your time. The future is our world, Morpheus. The future is our time."

"I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure."

"I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it."

Cypher: "You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? (Takes a bite) Ignorance is bliss."

Trinity: "Let me tell you what I believe. I believe that Morpheus means more to me than he does to you. I believe if you are really serious about rescuing him, you are going to need my help. And since I am the ranking officer on this ship, if you don't like it… I believe you can go to hell. Because you're not going anywhere else. Tank, load us up!"

"Neo, I'm not afraid anymore. The Oracle told me that I would fall in love and that that man… the man that I loved would be The One. So you see, you can't be dead. You can't be… because I love you. You hear me? I love you. (kisses Neo, brings him back to life) Now get up!"

Okay, that's enough! And in reality, that's just the tip of the iceberg!

I think my point is clear. Between the martial arts action sequences, the gun fights, the slow motion bullet-time segments, the philosophical journey, the debate between free-will and determinism and a whole lot of commentary on freedom in an age of zeros and ones, this movie rocked! I've seen it too many times for it to be entertaining anymore, but needless to say, I saw it about three times when it first hit theaters and a few times more when it came out on VHS/DVD. It was just something you could watch over and over, and felt the need to since there was too much to really get into in just one sitting! And even at the time, I had to admit there was a certain Star Wars-esque quality to the whole thing, like it was destined to be a pop culture phenomena and a cult-classic at the same time. Like Lucas, the Wachowski's drew inspiration from a number of sources and knew how to make them work as a package. And wouldn't you know it, they suffered from the same curse! Years after the release of the original, they followed it up with two more. And… well, you know… more on that next time! Stay tuned for a list of the Matrix's best lines!

The Matrix:

Entertainment Value: 10/10

Plot: 8.5/10

Direction: 9/10

Total: 9/10

The Star Wars Prequels (cont'd)

Isn't it always this way? I just get finished with a long review of the Star Wars prequels, and I realize I left some stuff out. Not only that, I notice that I made some technical errors as well. Ah well, I suppose its the burden of Star Wars geekdom – anal-retentiveness and a total weakness for details. And if all these Star Wars reviews have proven nothing else to me, its that I'm a total geek! So here we go…

1. Anakin is NINE in the original movie: That's right, nine. Not ten, as I originally said. Boy, I'm splitting hairs even mentioning this, but I don't want someone noticing it and thinking I'm not up on my Star Wars trivia. Why, to a fellow geek, something like that might just stick in their craw!

2. Good acting: Looking back on my three reviews of the Phantom, Clones and Revenge I realized there was something I neglected to mention. The fact that there was actually some good acting throughout. Liam Neeson, for example. He's always good, but as Qui Gon he was actually quite capable and had a good presence. Samuel L. Jackson, though his lines were heavy-handed as hell, nevertheless managed to bring some much needed bad-assery to this painful trilogy. And how could I have possibly forgotten Ian McDiarmid? The man who brought The Emperor to life in the originals was back again for more in this trilogy! I honestly think that his character was the only one that was faithfully executed in every one of his scenes. He was certainly the only one who had consistently decent one-liners, and that's in spite of Lucas' weak writing! I tell ya, it's that voice. The man could make dish water sound cool and menacing! And the way he transitions so easily from a prissy, overly-cultured Senator to an evil blood-curdling Sith Lord… masterful!

3. Racial Caricatures: In drawing out Lucas' use of racial stereotypes, there was one key characteristic I failed to mention. Watto, who is an obvious caricature of a stereotypical Jew, had several characteristics that gave him away. The ones I mentioned were his love of money, yamaka-style hat, and exploitative personality. But I forgot to mention the hooked nose! That above all else was a dead giveaway that Lucas was working with an 19th century deck when he wrote this! I also could have mentioned that he combines several Italian stereotypes into his character as well: the stubbly face, the paunchy belly, the thick, raspy accent, the tank top, the hand gestures and phrases like "whaddyaknow?" In fact, that's what I thought he was until the Shylock-like parallels were pointed out to me, then I was even more offended. Two stereotypes in one, good job Lucas! *Cough* Racist!

4. Hard-ass Jedi: In my first review, I mentioned how the Jedi were portrayed as needlessly harsh teachers for the way they told Anakin that his fear for his mother was a bad thing. I even mentioned that this would come up again later, by which I was referring to the third movie. And wouldn't you know it, I totally spaced on it! Which is nuts because it was pretty damn intrinsic to the plot. To recap, the Jedi Council tells a nine year old Anakin (nine, not ten!) that he must forget about his mother because his fear of losing her will lead him to the Dark Side. Of course I thought that was total BS! I mean, who tells a kid this kind of stuff and expects it to go over well? Not only that, but it seems like such a stretch. "You're afraid of losing your mom? Why, that's the gateway to evil!" No, telling a kid he has to forget about his mom and sit back while she's MURDERED is the gateway to evil! Not that they'd notice, these guys can't sense evil when its three feet in front of them in the form of a Sith Lord!

But as if that wasn't enough, Yoda is at it once again in the third movie. When told that Anakin is having premonitory dreams where someone he loves dies, he simply tells him to let it go. Apparently, his love for this person and fear of losing them is also a bad thing! "Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is," says Yoda. Not only that, he's told he should be happy that this person is dying! "Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force." What the hell kind of advice is this?! Has Yoda forgotten what Anakin did the last time they told him to just let go? Apparently he has because it never once came up again! But seriously, was Lucas so desperate to make Anakin's fall to the Dark Side seem justified that he had to pitch the Jedi as a bunch of unfeeling jagoffs? Personally, I'd be telling Yoda and the entire Council to get bent and then march straight on home to nail my wife! Them and their whole order of ascetic virgins could kiss my ass! Bunch of self-righteous fops, you ask me!

4. Selling out: Last time around, I lamented Lucas' selling out but hoped he might take the hint and get back to his base. Alas, I was already too late! Seems that in the last few years, he's released two more special editions of his movies! Yes, as if the original box set, the THX box set, the Gold Edition box set, and the prequel box set weren't enough, now we have "Star Wars: the Force", and "Star Wars: The Complete Saga", both of which are full volumes of all six movies. Both contain all the usual bonus feature crap and behind-the-scenes documentaries, but the Force edition is apparently a directors cut that includes all the deleted scenes. Yeah, I'm kind of intrigued by the idea of bonus scenes too, but Jesus Christ Lucas, how many new versions of Star Wars do we need?! You got alimony to pay or a dozen bastard children we don't know about? Stephen Spielberg got something on you that you gotta pay to keep under wraps? Why else would you feel the need to re-merchandize the most merchandized franchise of all time? You know, I think this might just be his way of sticking it to all those people who laughed at him when he said he wanted to retain the merchandizing rights!

Well, that about covers it for now. As usual, reflecting on the path Star Wars has taken since my younger days has left me feeling bitter and jaded. I suppose its all in how you look at it. On the one hand, I could be happy that Lucas, who started as a humble purveyor of sci-fi (like me!), became a man with the power to shape several generations worth of popular culture. Or I could be pissed that the man who created something that helped shape my and many other people's childhood went on to rape it! Tough call man…

Updated Review List

Hello, and welcome to my updated review list. After many, many reviews and plenty of change-ups in the lineup, I decided it was time to revise my master playlist. I do this mainly for the sake of being succinct, seeing as how I put up three in the last two months. The first was dedicated to initial ideas for reviews, the second to all the ones I forgot, and a third for animes that I realized were being neglected. There was also the constant need to go back and alter these lists so that I could indicate which reviews were covered and when. So to simplify things, here is my new master list, with the titles that have already been covered listed first with the date of their review provided. As usual, I will try to stick to this lineup, but some of the later ones might be brought forward if it seems like its taking too long to get to them.

Enjoy! Oh, and fyi, suggestion are still welcome!

1. Terminator: Salvation – July 7th

2. Independence Day – July 9th

3. Blade Runner – July 10th

4. Alien franchise (movies 1 through 4) – July 10th, July 11th…

5. Dune (1984, and the 2000 miniseries) – July 14th, 16th, and 18th

6. 2001: A Space Odyssey – July 21st

10. Starship Troopers – July 28th

11. Akira – Aug. 2nd

12. The Terminator franchise (movies 1 through 3) – Aug. 7th, Aug. 13th…

13. Equilibrium – Aug. 14th

14. The Star Wars prequels – Aug. 24th and 25th

15. The Matrix Trilogy

16. Strange Days

17. Ghost in the Shell

18. V for Vendetta

19. Avatar

20. District 9

21. I, Robot

22. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

23. 28 Days Later

24. Ninja Scroll

25. A Clockwork Orange

26. Predator franchise (1, 2, and Predators)

27. Screamers (first in the Philip K Dick lineup)

28. Impostor

29. Paycheck

30. A Scanner Darkly

31. The Adjustment Bureau (finishing off the PKD segment)

32. Lord of the Rings (like I said, some fantasy will slip in, and allowances must be made for such classics!)

33. Willow (another fantasy honorable mention)

34. Solaris (the original and the Soderberg remake) – thanks to Tom Sharp for the suggestion!

35. Inception

36. Metropolis

37. Princess Mononoke

38. Vampire Hunter D.

39. Sunshine

40. Children of Men

41. Watchmen

42. Tron (original, and Legacy)

43. Wall-E

44. Twelve Monkeys

45. Iron Man

Star Wars Episode III: Last Chance…

Last time, I believe I left off with a passing mention of how the Clone Wars weren't exactly given their due in Lucas' prequels. Correct if I'm wrong, but it was my understanding that was what they were supposed to address, and with a name like Attack of the Clones, I don't think that would be an unrealistic expectation. But Lucas seemed more concerned with addressing the back-story of Anakin's fall to the dark side and the love story between him and Padma/Amidala. Everything else was pushed to the side or parceled out between obligatory scenes of (ahem) romance and Anakin bitching about how angry he was and unfair his life is. The end result was a movie that hopped all over the place, moving along with a sense of duty rather than an intriguing story that took its time to build, and with dialogue and character that was basically info-dumping and exposition rather than development.

In short, sucked! But between movies two and three, Lucas appeared to sit up and take notice. Whereas Phantom Menace and Clones were chock full of indications that Lucas held the fans feelings in contempt, Revenge of the Sith seemed to contained within it a feeling of humility. It was as if Lucas saw the writing on the wall and realized that if the third movie were a critical flop, the Star Wars franchise might forever be ruined. That, I think, was enough to get him to realize that he was still mortal.

Still, the final entry in the franchise still suffered from the same weaknesses as the rest. Nobody missed Jar Jar Binks, the cheesy romantic element was toned down (somewhat), the action was a lot better and more relevant, and the motivation was a lot more believable. But the same basic problems of duty, pacing and rushing were there all around. About the best thing you could say about it was that it was salvageable. Not great, but enough to ensure that the whole trilogy didn't totally suck. But I'm getting ahead of myself here…

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Prior to the movie's release, Lucas did his usual round of interviews and gave the fans a bit of an inside look at the plot and his process. In the course of this, he admitted that he had to force himself to commit to writing every day, eight hours at a stretch, in order to get the script banged out on time. Now that's not something you EVER want to admit to as a writer! Automatically it makes people think that what they are about to see is a second-rate effort, done out of a sense of obligation and devoid of any heart. And yet, it was better than the first two, even if it managed to retain their weaknesses.

The War: As I said in the last review, the war happens between movies. We catch the very beginning of it in Clones and the tail end of it in this one, but that's it. Despite the fact that they are of extreme importance to the story, the war (or wars) are really more of a backdrop against which the main story – Anakin's fall to the Dark Side, takes place. That only drives home the point of how the prequels are dominated by a sense of duty, meant to explain rather than tell their own story. If anything, it should have been the other way around. The war happens, it is the means through which Palpatine seizes power, and in the course of it, Anakin becomes a great hero, falls in love with Padme/Amidala, and then succumbs to temptation. It'd be a lot more fun, more subtle, and more entertaining that way.

Anakin and Dooku, take two: Here was a fight scene that was due, and it was enjoyable to see Anakin take down Dooku. But it was pretty much a total rehash of the first time these two fought, sans the ridiculous walk-on by Yoda. As predicted, Dooku has to take out Obi Wan in order for him and Anakin to duke it out between themselves. And its perfectly contrived, the way he tossed him aside with the Force and uses a gangplank to pin him down. It's also perfectly contrived that Obi Wan would thusly be unconscious and totally unaware of how Anakin kills Dooku. That was another problem I had with this fight scene. After cutting off Dooku's hands, Anakin is told by Palpatine to execute him. This is in keeping with the whole Sith thing: "you beat my apprentice, now take his place". But what is so stupid about it is how Anakin beheads him with barely a second thought.

It's like "You know, I really shouldn't…". "Do it, Anakin! He's too dangerous." "Okay!" Slit! "Gee, That felt wrong." "It's okay Anakin, he had it coming!" And then, barely another word on the subject. As if to remind us how this has happened before, Palpatine brings up how Anakin wiped out all those Sandpeople. Once again, it seems like the Jedi have no clue and Anakin has got away with cold-blooded murder.

The Love Story: We're fortunate not to get an earful of awful, cheesy dialogue between Anakin and Padme in this one, but there's still enough to bring the bile to the edge of your throat. For what its worth, the two seem to have a little more chemistry in this one, but it still feels forced. "You are so beautiful" says Anakin. "That's because I'm so much in love," she replies. Ugh!

Grievous: Here is a character who is not bad, as far as conceptuals go. But the fact that he's introduced in this last movie where he then dies, that's kind of weak. You can't expect to introduce characters who are central to the plot in the third act and expect people to develop some kind of attachment to them. What's more, in this movie, Grievous sounded oafish and really wasn't that threatening. In the Clone Wars cartoon (the original by Genndy Tartakovsky, not the crappy Lucas remake!) Grievous was a frightening, bad-ass mutha who took down multiple Jedis at once. His voice was deep, cold, and metallic, and he had some truly bone-chilling lines! "Run, Jedi run! You have only prolonged the inevitable. But I will give you the honor of a warrior's death." Did I mention he's also a master of psychological warfare?

Yes, that's what's wrong here! Between the cartoon and the third movie, Grievous goes from being an unstoppable malevolent force to a veritable heel! This was the guy who cut his way through clone troopers and Jedi alike and even managed to kidnap Palpatine in his own capitol building. And yet, we're to believe that Obi Wan is able to take him down all by himself. There's even a joke that fans made about this: Right before their big fight, Grievous turns to Obi Wan and says "It's a good thing this is the movie and not the cartoon version, otherwise you'd be right fucked!" Ha! It's funny because it's true.

Anakin kills kids: Okay, really? I mean I know Lucas is trying to establish that Anakin's turned evil, but are we seriously to believe that he's gone from being conflicted and afraid about joining Palpatine to murdering children? How exactly does the Force work? Do one bad thing and BOOM! You're an evil psychopath? If it's that easy a transition, no wonder the Jedi are so pedantic. What's more, I loved Padme's reaction when she finds out about his crime. "NOT ANNIE!" she says. What, this surprises you? You barely batted an eye when he told you that he slaughtered women and children, now you're surprised he murdered some Jedi younglings? A more fitting reaction would be, "Not again! Christ, that boy's incouragable!" Not saying I approve, but if you're going to have such a casual attitude the first time your hubby committs mass murder, you kind of forfeit the right to be surprised when he does it again. Or is Lucas trying to say indiscriminate murder is okay when its Sandpeople? Dude… that's racist!

Anakin and Obi Wan's big fight: Now, it's been well-established at this point that Anakin is a better swordsman than Obi Wan, right? I mean, Dooku kicked Obi Wan's ass twice with little effort, and Anakin kicked Dooku's ass with energy to spare. So… how is it that Obi Wan was able to stand toe to toe with Anakin for like ten minutes straight and then beat him? Seriously, this fight scene makes no sense! Just like with his one on one with Grievous, Obi Wan, who's been a bumbling dope up until this point, seems to suddenly acquire some mad fighting skills and saves the day. What's more, this fight scene drags on forever! The choreography is beautiful, like watching fire dancers do their thing, but there's no real tension. Not like there was between Vader and Luke in Empire. That fight scene went on for awhile, but it was well-paced and punctuated by terror. You could see how Vader was slowly beating Luke down and you feared for him. This time around, it was just a lot of visuals with little to no emotional content. And the fact that we knew ahead of time that Obi Wan would win removed any sense of anxiety from it.

"Nooooo!": Now I know for a fact that few among us thought Hayden Christensen could possibly fill Vader's shoes. The whiny, bitchy stride he struck in movie's two and three hardly seemed consistent with the Darth's deep voice or malevolent nature. Still, that scene at the end, where Anakin/Vader asks the whereabouts of Padme and then emits a pained shriek when Palpatine tells him she's dead… painful! Not to mention kind of dumb. It goes without saying that if Anakin is truly going to cross over, Palpatine needs to make him sever all ties to his past. But telling him he killed his own love, strange, but I'd think that'd have the opposite effect. The whole reason he sided with Palpatine was to save her. Now that she's dead, there's really nothing to hold them together. Not only that, but in light of Padme's death, all the sacrifices he's made to earn Palpatine's help would seem like they were done in vain. Personally, I'd be pissed! Rather than commit wholeheartedly to Palpatine's plan, I'd want to kill Palpatine and take his whole plan apart piece by piece! Or, in keeping with the whole Sith thing, kill Palpatine and take over the whole operation myself. That'd make way more sense than serving him like a slave, "I must obey my master," and all that. Really, what's he done for you Darth?

Well, that about covers it. To be fair, I'd like to point out that there were some things I actually liked in this movie. Unlike the others, it wasn't saved merely by its action. No, this one actually had a little depth that managed to justify the expense of seeing it. The fact that Anakin's fall was born of fear, that he did it because of the promise of powers that would make him what he wanted to be (powerful enough to prevent death) actually made sense. Knowing that Lucas had to force himself to get this script out didn't help things much, I knew in the back of my head as I saw it that he kind of pulled it out of his ass. But like most critics, I was willing to forgive this. It seemed like we were all pulling for him because we didn't want to see Star Wars fail. After growing up with it and spending so much time and money on the toys, books, etc, we just weren't prepared to abandon ship!

However, I personally feel that enough time has passed so that we're finally able to look at the prequel trilogy and everything else Lucas has done in perspective. Despite his weaknesses as a writer/director, Lucas has an undeniable talent for borrowing elements from different genres and combining them in just the right way with some classical mythology and history to create an enjoyable experience. The original movies called to mind all kinds of things that the audience could relate to. The Battle of Hoth was like Dunkirk, the (first) assault on the Death Star like the Doolittle raid, and I don't think anyone wasn't on the edge of their seat with the final battle! Luke's journey to find himself and learn the truth of his ancestry was like the Odyssey, the redemption and sacrifice his father made like something out of Greek tragedy.

It's ironic then that Lucas himself would succumb to the temptation and allure of money, fame and power. In the end, they led him to believe that he was the master of Star Wars and that he alone knew what it was all about and what made it great. He was wrong, of course. One of the most enduring powers of Star Wars was its mass-appeal, how it could snatch up the youth and adult vote in one swoop. By snubbing advice and letting his age-old fans know that he didn't care what they thought, he ended up churning out two movies that were almost universally panned and nearly cost him his legacy. It was only in listening to the critics and accepting his limitations that he was able to create a passable third and thereby "redeem" the franchise before it was too late. Yeah… irony!

But alas, Lucas appears to be up to his old tricks again. No sooner had Tartakovsky's Star Wars: Clone Wars begin to garner critical acclaim that he snatched it up and began making his own version. It seemed that he was perfectly happy to let someone else tell the story of the Clone Wars until they began to do a better job of it than him. Then, I'm guessing ego or greed got the better of him and he came out with a cartoon movie and a series! And of course, they are just like his first two prequels – kiddy, cheesy, and razor thin in terms of plot. And it seems as though he isn't finished just yet. Word is, he's thinking of making sequels; that is, movies that pick up where the originals left off! If so, I'd say he has an opportunity on his hands to do what all the fans want – i.e. get back to what made the originals great and stop churning out the kind of crass, commercial crap that's been spewing from Lucasarts for so many years.

So on behalf of all fans everywhere, I'd like to make a plea to Lucas. Dear Sir, I urge you to consider the lesson of the prequels and incorporate it into your future work. First, check your ego at the door. You created Star Wars, but that doesn't mean you're infallible. Second, ditch the adulators who are keeping you from hearing the truth. It's always a true friend who'll tell you what you need to hear even if you don't want to hear it. Those who tell you flattering things with shit-eating plastered on their faces will only bring you down. Third, your foresight to retain the merchandising rights may have made you filthy-fucking-rich, but it's also what's been polluting your mind. There are things more important than money, merchandise, spin-offs, re-releases, and digital remastered editions! In the end, it should be about the story, not the returns. Fourth, get back to your fan base and really try to connect with them. I know, who are they to question you right? Simple, they're the ones who grew up watching Star Wars and made it the success that it was. Had they not paid their hard-earned money to see your movies and buy your paraphernalia, you'd have spent the last thirty years writing fan fiction and paperback space opera out of a studio apartment in downtown LA. Whether you like it or not, the franchise does in part belong to them. As its creator you can make it good, but only they can make it great! Without your fans, there is no phenomenon, so take what they say seriously.

That's all! And as cheesy finish, let me just say "May the Force be with you" and not worry about reprisals !

Star Wars, Episode II: Send in the Clowns!

Yeah, that's not the most original parody of this movie's title, but it sums up my feelings pretty well. In my last review, I addressed the first movie in the Star Wars prequel lineup, the absurdly named The Phantom Menace. In sum, it was a movie with some signs of quality, but which suffered from a technocratic plot and a whole lot of childish content. Overall, sort of a C+. Okay, not great! In addition, I tried to tackle the two big questions that are constantly asked about the Star Wars franchise. Number one: why were the originals so enduring and influential in their time? And two: what the hell happened with the prequels? The originals were enduring classics that combined gun slinging, swashbuckling adventure with space opera and mythology. The prequels… well, they were entertaining in places. Annoying, insulting, generally inexplicable, but still entertaining.

And now, onto the second movie in the Star Wars prequel trilogy, the even more absurdly named Attack of the Clones! As you can tell from the title of this posting, I did NOT like this movie; and in that, I am hardly alone. According to critics and fans alike, it was even worse than the first – a complete 180 of what happened with the first trilogy where the sequel outstripped the original. And the reasons were obvious: For the most part, Phantom Menace was an critical flop because it was simultaneously kiddy, technocratic and suffered from an obvious sense of duty. The second movie suffered from the same ailment, but added some new elements that brought it down even further. But I could not hope to address them all in one paragraph so let me break it down succinctly. As C3P0 would say (in the originals!) "Here we go again…"

Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones

As I'm sure I mentioned in the previous post, Lucas spoke of what this movie would be about long before it aired… to the disappointment of fans everywhere. Whereas most of us were hoping that the second movie would depart from the childish tone struck by the first, Lucas dashed all that by saying it would be a love story and aimed squarely at kids. And of course, it would explain how the "Clone Wars" happened. On top of that, he had to give the audience some preview of Anakin's fall to the Dark Side. A tall order, to be sure, but Lucas managed to mangle it pretty good! Here's what went wrong:

Forced Chemistry: Lucas is known for writing dialogue that nobody can say, but in this movie, he really outdid himself! Those "romantic" scenes between Christensen and Portman, they're PAINFUL! Not only does nobody speak like that, Portman and Christensen manage to go through these scenes without exhibiting the slightest trace of romantic chemistry! In fact, we're given every indication to suggest that what's really going on is a case of creepy stalker syndrome! Remember that back and forth from early on in the movie, "Please don't look at me like that," says Portman. "Why not?" asks Christensen. "It makes me uncomfortable." Sound like love? Nope! As if that wasn't bad enough, there's the part where Anakin says he's been dreaming about her for ten years straight, and that just being around her again is "intoxicating". Ick! Can you say "obsessive"? And last, there's the part where she totally disses him in front of people on Naboo. "Anakin is just a padawan," she says. He objects to this sluff off, but she totally puts him in his place. Clear enough? She don't like ya, kid. Move on or face a restraining order! And yet, we're supposed to believe these two somehow fall in love a few scenes later? The only reason we're supposed to believe it is because we already know it happens! Otherwise, it is wholly unbelievable and totally cringe-worthy!

Forced Rivalry: Oh, and let's not forget the totally forced animosity that exists between Anakin and Obi Wan. It's obvious from the way Anakin back-talks him and complains about him behind his back that he's got some animosity for the man. It's already predictable due to the fact that we know in advance that Anakin will turn bad and betray him, but it doesn't help that the dialogue and the delivery feel totally fake and wooden. And lets not forget how insistent Lucas was with the whole odd couple dynamic! In fact, the back and forth between Anakin and Obi Wan and their complaints about each other are so overdone that Obi Wan just comes off as a nagging shrew and Anakin as a total bitch! Yes, we know what's going to happen and its necessary to preview how, but Jesus-Allah-Buddah, a little subtlety please!

Infodumping: Which brings me to my next point. Lucas, you can't have your characters just announce their feelings! It's unsubtle, insulting to the audience, and drives home the whole dutiful nature of these awful movies even more! From the very outset, we learn that Anakin is in love with Padma/Amidalla. Why? Because he says so. We learn shortly thereafter that Anakin resents Obi Wan. Why? Because he says so. We learn that Anakin is arrogant on a count of his abilities? Why? Obi Wan says so! On and on this goes throughout the movie. Lucas seems to think that the best way to establish something is to have his characters announce it openly, as opposed to say establishing it slowly through bits of dialogue and acting! And of course, its all because he feels obliged to cover his bases and explain how everything happened. This is why I hate prequels, you know.

Hayden Christensen: To be fair, the boy was up against it dealing with Lucas' awful script writing, but that didn't prevent him from being the most whiny, annoying bitch I've ever seen on camera. Seriously, even Shia LaBeouf was less annoying by comparison, and that was with Michael Bay writing his lines! And this is the guy who's supposed to turn into Darth Vader? I would think that a war hero who got tempted by evil and became the universe's most notorious bad-ass would be… oh, I don't know, like Gary Cooper. The strong silent type! Not some whiny little kid who does nothing but lament about unrequited love and bitch about how he's not being treated like an adult by his master. Exposition ruined what should have been the perfect character!

Jump-around Plot: Ostensibly, this movie was supposed to be about the Clone Wars. But on top of that, Anakin and Padme are supposed to fall in love, and then there's the added duty of previewing Anakin's fall to the dark side. As a result, we get a whole first hour in which the main characters are just running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Anakin brings Padme to Naboo to protect her (her home planet? Really? An assassin wouldn't think to look for her there?), and the scenery works its magic and they fall in love. But then, Anakin has to rush off to Tatooine, totally unrelated to the plot, to find his mother. Once there, he finds out she's been taken by sand people and she dies as soon as he finds her. Anakin responds by wiping out the whole village of sand-people, and somehow, nobody seems to care. That little act of genocide is forgotten as they have to rush back into the fray to rescue Obi Wan because he's been taken prisoner. The only one who appears to be sticking to the plan is Obi Wan, who was busy at work the whole time investigating the clone plot. On its own, that part wasn't bad, but its so diluted by the other crap that you almost don't notice it. In fact, were it not for all the other crap, we might have actually gotten into the war!

Genocide? No biggie!: Speaking of the massacre Anakin committed, I'm sure everyone noticed how little the other characters seemed to care about that. Yoda senses the massacre through the Force, but it never comes up again. Even worse, Padme seems totally unphased when he tells her that he slaughtered women and children. She even goes as far as to say "To be angry is to be human." WHAAAAAT? The boy wipes out an entire village of people, women and children included, and the best you can say is "no biggie?" What kind of person are you?! Equally odd, when Anakin returns to the Jedi, no one so much as mentions it. Yoda knew something was up, but its like he either forgot or stopped caring. Little wonder why this kid turned evil, he's got no boundaries!

More Re-Used Characters: Like I said about the first movie, Lucas seemed to think that he had to introduce ALL the characters from the first movie, even if he was hard-pressed to do so. In this movie, we get the back-story of Boba Fett, who as it turns out, is a clone! Yes, the bad-ass bounty hunter extraordinaire from the first trilogy is actually the clone of a bounty hunter named JANGO Fett. That seemed kinda forced, but the introduction of Owen and Beru, who are apparently Anakin's step-brother and step-sister-in-law? That was just plain stupid! Did he expect the audience to go "ah-hah!" every time he did that? Honestly, I think people just rolled their eyes and sighed whenever it happened.

Final Fight Scene: One thing that always seems to redeem Lucas' movies is the action scenes. That awesome fight scene from the first one was enough to justify admission, but this time around, Lucas screwed the pooch on that one too! The big scene at the end, which apparently was inspired by Roman-style executions in the Coliseum, was not too bad, but it was long and drawn out. And holy hell, the fight scene that ensues between Dooku, Anakin, Obi Wan, and then Yoda? It was totally unrealistic, and punctuated by some of the worst dialogue ever! First, he takes down Anakin by hurling him into a wall just so he can fight Obi Wan one on one. Then he manages to defeat Obi Wan without inflicting any real harm, mainly so he and Anakin can go at it mono a mono. After he takes off Anakin's arm, fulfilling yet another plot element, him and Yoda go at it. "I can see we are not going to resolve this with our knowledge of the force, but our skills with a lightsaber." Do I even need to say it? Nobody talks like that! Yeah, the fight scene is entertaining, sure, but otherwise nothing but theatrics and zero substance!

Clueless Jedi: In the first movie, the Jedi seemed just a little slow on the uptake. I mean I know I have the benefit of knowing exactly who the bad guy is, but between the first and second movie, a full ten years have passed! You'd think they'd have done some digging and learned a thing or two about who Darth Maul was and who he might have been taking his orders from. And this time around, they're even more clueless. And it seems almost necessary in order to explain how Palpatine could have seized power without the Jedi getting wise to him. I admit, that was a tough thing to tackle. But Yoda's explanation, how the "dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is," etc etc, falls pretty flat. Apparently, the Jedi's have a diminished capacity to use the Force now, and rather than tell anyone, they keep it hush hush because Yoda doesn't want their enemies getting any ideas. Pretty contrived explanations, man! A simple line of dialogue, like how Palpatine has mastered a technique that allows him to mask his presence in the Force, that might've worked. It might even make sense in the context of how, at times, Yoda and the others get suspicious of him. He can mask his dark Force energies from detection, but once in awhile, something slips through. Oy! I feel so geeky!

And that about covers this bad-boy. Overall, it was pretty bad, pretty rushed, pretty forced, and suffered from a sense of duty even more than the first. It was not enough that it had to explain major plot elements, it also had to forecast a number of developments that the audience knew would happen later on. And that was its downfall. When it comes to prequels, the potential for excitement comes in the form of developing things that have been hinted at, but for which the audience is seriously short on the details. In this case, the Clone Wars. Only once did it come up in the first trilogy, when Luke spoke to Obi Wan about what his father did. And several passing mentions were made in other areas of the franchise, including comics, novels and video games. But always, the details were in

short supply because the master (George) never left any notes.

So really, that's what this movie needed to do but failed to deliver on. Explain the war, get into it, and sure, throw in some stuff cataloging Palpatine's rise to power. That's it! Instead, we get a whole lot of set-up designed to explain how the war is GOING to happen, an awful romance story, a rushed and forced prelude of Anakin's fall, and a quick scene showing how Palpatine used the war crisis to become a tyrant. This last part felt like a technocratic holdover from the first movie – Parliamentary procedure leading to the emergence of dictatorship, yadda yadda. But the point is, we missed out on all the real action when that's all the fans really wanted in the first place! In fact, the final scene where Clone Troopers are boarding their vessels and going off to war is the closest we get to seeing the war at all in this movie. Sure, the big battle on Geonosis kinda counted as part of the war, but it was really more of a prelude, not the actual thing! And with a name like "Attack of the Clones", you'd think we'd see more, you know, attacking! Instead, the war is something that happened between movies, to be covered later by another producer (Genndy Tartakovsky) and then commandeered by Lucas when he realized it was profitable. But more on that later! Up next, the salvageable finale to the Star Wars prequel trilogy, Revenge of the Sith!

The Star Wars Prequels…

If only I get my hands on a big, rolling intro the way Lucas did! Man, would THAT come in handy here! Weren't they just so great? I can remember watching them as a kid, pre-teen, post-teen, and young adult. Those inros and the music that preceded them, they always had a way of getting me into the mood for another Star Wars movie marathon. And weren't they just the thing for a movie party? Yes, the Star Wars franchise was a masterpiece of pop-culture gold, something we who saw it when we were children could still enjoy years later. Hell, people of my parents generation found them equally appealing, both when they first hit theaters and years after their release. During the 80′s and early 90′s, there was scarcely anyone who wasn't affected by the Star Wars phenomena. And today, those who haven't seen the originals tend to get funny looks when they make that admission. I myself have been known to say "Didn't you grow up in this country" whenever someone admitted it to me!

Sounds a little crass when I hear myself say it now, but you have to admit, I had a point! In fact, Star Wars has been so influential that pop culture experts, cultural historians and media gurus have been pouring over it for decades, trying to ascertain why it is that this movie franchise has been so influential. I mean think about it: a franchise that had a limited budget, an inexperienced director, weak writing/dialogue, newby actors and actresses (with the exception of Sir Alec Guinness), and production problems from day one somehow became a rip-roaring success at the box office and spawned two sequels that did even better. In fact, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back was one of those rare sequels that was considered better than the first, right up there with the Godfather Part II, Mad Max, and T2.

Now why is that? Why is the Star Wars franchise so enduringly influential and popular? There is no single answer, but the general consensus seems to be that they were just good at capturing a certain Zeitgeist. In addition to its accessible theme of the hero's journey and the idealist fighters battling against an evil empire, there was also the classical themes of The Fall, the Redemption, dynastic struggle between father and son, the ties that bind, the hero's fate, and countless elements borrowed from other popular genres, such as gun-slinging spaghetti westerns and swashbuckling samurai movies. All this came together to create something that some thought was brilliant, others thought was a guilty pleasure. But that all could agree, it worked! People liked it and wanted more!

So it begs the question, how and where did things go wrong? I've say how and where at the expense of why because I feel that one is obvious: right around the summer of 1999, when Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace was released. That's pretty much when things went wrong! From then on, things got steadily worse, with an even-worse sequel and a salvageable third. Fans of the franchise were left sore and dumbfounded, having spent their money to see them, but generally feeling betrayed and confused. From a critical and a popular standpoint, the Star Wars prequels did not hold a candle to the originals, leaving many people to wonder what could have happened.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Naturally, when it was announced that prequels were coming out – movies that would cover the Clone Wars, show the origins of the Empire, and the fall of Anakin Skywalker/rise of Darth Vader – fans were excited. I know I was! Like most boys my age, I had grown up on the franchise and lived in a world saturated by Star Wars toys, books, magazines, lunchboxes, figurines, and even novels. So it goes without saying that I wanted to see how Lucas would fill in the back-story. But like most fans, I left the movie theater a little daunted. It was only a few minutes in when I first came to realize who the target audience was, and like most people my age, I wasn't too happy about it. Sure, the lightsaber fight scene and podrace were both worth the price of admission, but something needed to be done about the rest of it. There were just too many weaknesses that were glaringly obvious. Let me see if I can break them down succinctly:

Weak Plot: It's a rare thing when a movie can be both technocratic and childish at the same time, but this movie pulled it off! First, we have a plot where the "greedy Trade Federation" is blockading a planet because they're unhappy about taxes. And we get a big earful about how the Republic is deadlocked and ineffective due to the stumbling blocks of parliamentary procedure. Really? This is how the big, huge saga begins? I know were supposed to be getting a preview of how the Republic became a tyranny due to corruption and inefficiency, but it could have been done in a way that wasn't so heavy-handed and dull. In fact, nothing about this plot seems realistic or even interesting. A great big civil war and slide into despotism began with taxes on trade routes??? Let's not forget how the Trade Federation has all these ships and battle droids. When was the last time a Merchant Marine was ever allowed to do that, stockpile weapons and blockade planets? Who the hell is running the Republic that this sort of thing was allowed to take place? And if they really wanted to stir things up, why blockade some backwater place like Naboo (kiddy name if ever I heard one!)? Why not a hub, like Coruscant or Alderaan or something like that? Oh, and Palpatine, the evil Sith Master who will overthrow the Republic and become Emperor, he's actually FROM there? I'd think a master of the dark side would be better suited coming from somewhere a little less remote, don't you? I know, I know! Sarah Palin wasn't exactly from a major hub either. But she's aint President… yet (gulp!)

Racial Caricatures: Let's not forget the borderline racist junk that made it into this movie. First, the "greedy" Trade Federation representatives, whom Qui Gon Jinn referred to as "cowards", clearly a bunch of Japanese businessmen. Why is the Trade Federation run by this one race, for that matter? Aren't they supposed to be like a guild or something? The fact that they all look and sound the same only deepens this racist impression. Then there's Jar Jar, a creature so annoying he made most of us want to hurl a whiskey bottle at the screen! He has big flappy ears, is clumsy as hell, has a ridiculous accent and speaks pinyin. Put on a big fro and you got Buckwheat, racist without the folksy! Next, there's Watto, who might as well be called Shylock for all the obviousness of his character. One, he's greedy and cares only about money; two, he wears a yamaka-type headpiece; and three, he's an obvious scam artist. So in essence, Lucas caricatured Black people, Asians and Jews in one fell swoop with this movie. I know he Lucas likes to draw parallels to the past, but Victorian-era bigotry is not something any smart man should want to associate with.

Virgin Birth: The original Star Wars movies made obvious use of Judea-Christian mythology, but this movie went above and beyond. Having Anakin be the result of an immaculate conception, where the Force (or midi-chlorians they call them in this movie) willed him into being, was just plain pushing it! I mean, I know Anakin was supposed to be special, but this whole "Chosen One" thing was too much. The fact that there was a prophecy associated with his existence had potential, and I kind of liked where they went with it in later movies, but in this particular one, I kind of wanted to gag.

Midi-Chlorians: Didn't you just know I was going to bring them up next? Yes, as someone who grew up with The Force, I can tell you that one of its greatest selling points was its mystery. The way Obi Wan explained it to Luke, the Force sounded very much like an allegory for destiny, history, or the unfolding of a divine plan. No one quite understood it, no one knew with any certainty what course it would take. But in the end it seemed to unfold in such a way that balance was restored and those who tried to control it ended up being screwed. What better allegory is there for Karma, the Divine, or universal justice? You can't get more mythological and Judea-Christian than that! And how and why some people are more sensitive to it than others was something that was also a mystery. So you can imagine how it might seem disappointing or dumb when Lucas decided to reduce it to microscopic bacteria that exist in your bloodstream! Why not just say there's a F gene or something? With one stroke of the pen, we went from deep mythology to pulp sci-fi!

Re-use of Characters: Prequels are supposed to use many of the same characters, but that doesn't mean that EVERY SINGLE ONE needs to be accounted for, or that they have to be part of the same plot. For starters, Anakin build C3PO? And R2D2 knew him as a kid? What they didn't have other service droids in the past, you gotta re-use the same ones for over thirty years? And if so, why the hell didn't this come up in the originals? Sure, Lucas did a last minute explanation for that in the third movie, but that didn't change the fact that this was just weak. And it happened again and again in the second and third movie, as if Lucas was getting a bonus every time he managed to write a character from the original movies into the new ones. You know, the universe is a big place. People's paths may cross, but not all the freaking time!

Forget your mom, kid: One of the things I heard people complain about a lot with this movie was the way Anakin was being pressured to cut all ties to his mother. In essence, he's pulled away from her, told that his fear of losing her is a bad thing, and how this could lead him to the dark side. "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering…" as Yoda put it. So what then? He's just supposed to turn his back on her and become an emotional ascetic? He's freaking ten! And with lessons as pedantic and cold as this one, its no wonder the boy turned to the dark side! And really, one can draw a straight line like that through anything! Watch! "Fun leads to enjoyment. Enjoyment leads to fondness. Fondness leads to obsession. Obsession leads to destruction. Destruction leads to suffering…" Or how about discipline? Jedis love discipline. Watch me connect to it the dark side! "Discipline leads to perfection. Perfection leads to arrogance. Arrogance leads to foolishness. Foolishness leads to error. Error leads to anger…" and so on. See? Not hard! It's like playing "Six degrees of Dark Side". And the prequels are full of this kind of needlessly harsh reasoning, stuff you'd never expect to hear out of a Jedi. I mean, I know they're supposed to be disciplined, but isn't compassion also supposed to be their thing? More on that later…

The Kid: As if Jar Jar wasn't annoying enough, we got to suffer through all the bad one-liners and atrocious acting of that kid who played Anakin. Another obvious ploy to court the kiddy vote, as was all the podracing and dog-fighting he did, stuff no ten year old would ever do! The former was bad enough, but did Lucas really have to include that horrid dogfight scene at the end where he basically saved the day through sheer luck? I already checked my brain at the door, but I still felt my intelligence being insulted with that scene! Speaking of which, where is that kid now? I don't recall seeing him in anything after this movie came out. But given the sheer exploitation, odds are good he either turned to drugs or became a petty criminal in order to channel his outrage of being in such a film! Hell, if I were him I'd be suing the bastard for raping my youth!

Okay, so it was a bad movie. However, I remember being soothed by rumors that this first installment was just a first salvo that was meant to get the kids hooked and that the later movies would be aimed more at the adults. Lucas was even rumored to have reported that his second installment would be darker, and since the subject matter was supposed to be how the Clone Wars began, I figured it had to be true. Lord knew, we who were now adults, who had grown up enjoying Star Wars as kids, expecting something from the man. But I learned a lesson from all this, check your sources, and don't expect nothing from men like Lucas! Sometimes, the fan community makes up stories and puts them in place of real fact. And Lucas, it seemed, had no intention from deviating from the course he set. In fact, he even went on the record as saying that Star Wars was always meant to be a "Saturday Morning serial for kids". Translation: screw you grown-up fans! I don't need you anymore!

And it was about that time that I discovered why Lucas was going down this road in the first place. Contrary to what some people had said, he had not gone crazy, or mad with power. In truth, Lucas was never a very good writer or director. The only difference now was that he seemed to think he had overcome these limitations. A few years into the release of the prequels, critics had formed a chorus that could be heard chanting the seminal words of Harrison Ford: "George, you can type this shit, but you sure as hell can't say it!" These words, which were just a heartfelt complaint at the time, have come to be synonymous with everything Lucas did wrong. Apparently, when he was making the first Star Wars, he had a lot of trouble adapting his script to the screen. More than one cast member, aside from Ford, had asked themselves "Who talks like this?" when reading it. But, knowing his limits at the time, Lucas sought the help of others during the making A New Hope and had full-time writing and directorial assistance when making Empire and Return of the Jedi. But after years of success and adulation, Lucas appeared to think that he knew best and didn't require any help from anyone anymore. In fact, it was rumored that he now did all his writing on the Skywalker Ranch, surrounded by sycophants and yes-men who told him what he wanted to hear and kept the negative reviews from his ears. It was not until the second installment got panned that he seemed to sit up and take notice. But more on that in my next installment…

Of Plot Holes and Oversights…

Hello again. Today I thought I'd break with the norm and do another "best of" post. Thing is, this time around I didn't want to do one dedicated to "best lines" or anything like that. No, today I thought I'd tackle some of the worst moments in movie history. And if there's one thing I've noticed plenty of in my collection of bad reviews, it's plot holes! Those rare moments that make you stop and say "Uh… what?" Or the kind that make you want to reach out, grab the director by the ears and say "That makes no f@!%@%$ sense! What the hell were you thinking?" Not literally, of course. That'd be creepy, Kathy Bates in Misery creepy.

So, with that in mind, and inspired by all the moments that have made me – and I'm sure others – want to pull out my hair, here's a list of some of the worst plot holes and oversights I have ever seen. Yep, its a veritable "best of the worst"! And who knows? This might just become a regular thing. There's certainly no shortage of material. And on the chopping block for today: Independence Day, Terminator: Salvation!, and Equilibrium!

Independence Day:

As far as plots go, this movie was a doozy. In fact, it was lot more enjoyable if you checked your brain at the door and didn't ask too many questions. But, inevitably, at some point you had to pick your brain up, reinstall it, and deal with all the logical inconsistencies it was sure to raise. Here were the one's that came to my mind:

The Signal: Remember how Jeff Goldblum, a cable man, picked up on that alien signal, the binary code that was being transmitted using Earth's satellites? Remember how NO ONE ELSE noticed the same thing? That's right, the guy who installs your HBO noticed something that all the cryptologist and covert brains at the CIA, NSA, and NASA did not. But of course, Director/Writer Roland Emmerich had that one covered. Apparently, the signal was "subtle!"

Backdraft: This is a minor point, but it was still insulting! During the aliens' assault on LA, Vivica A Fox, her son, and their dog Boomer were all trapped in a freeway tunnel. Whereas most people were consumed by the fire, they survived by hiding in a workman's shed. Only problem with this is, the fireball went right by the open doorway and left them untouched. Funny, I always thought fire expanded to fill empty spaces. Forgot about the shed exception!

Small World: Remember how Will Smith managed to fly a commandeered helicopter into LA after the aliens leveled it and retrieve Vivica A Fox and her son? Yeah, how did he find them exactly? More importantly, how did Vivica A Fox manage to find the First Lady and the downed White House helicopter? Come to think of it, this movie was full of these kind of reunions! Why, for example, did Will Smith decide to wander to Area 51, hundreds of miles away from his airbase and where he got shot down? Was it just because the president and other main characters happened to be there? And how is it that the big caravan of mobile homes, with Quaid and his family in it, manage to meet up with him in the middle of the desert? How small is LA? Or the Nevada Desert for that matter?

The Plan: Remember how Goldblum came up with the big world-saving plan towards the end? The one that involved planting a computer virus in the mother ship, yadda yadda yadda… Yeah, how did he manage to figure out how to crack the alien's technology? We're talking about a race with vastly superior technology. So not only was a cable man was able to detect an alien signal that the best minds at NASA, the CIA and NSA could not. He was also the only one who could figure out how to bring them down. Oh yeah, and how does Will Smith know how to fly an alien ship? He saw one in combat… Yeah, I've seen fighter jets in combat. Does that mean I can fly one of those? I'd like to think so! Emmerich raised the holes in this one too, but he dismissed them by putting them in the mouth of a douche bag character who weren't likely to listen to! Seriously, by the time he was done bitching about the logical inconsistencies of this plan, we were ALL hoping he'd be fired. And then he was… yay!

The Mother Ships: Remember those big alien ships that had shields that could withstand nukes? Remember how when they went down, the US airforce started ripping one to shit with their missiles? Same with the alien fighters, they blew right up when hit with mere bullets. Seems odd… you'd think solid metal hulls that are capable of withstanding the intense pressure and heat of space flight and atmospheric entry would be able to withstand bullets and air to air missiles. But that wasn't nearly as odd as the stunt Randy Quaid pulled. Remember how the big alien ships had those big alien ray guns, the ones that could level entire cities? Yeah, turns out that if you fly a single jet into the barrel of one, the entire ship will explode… How the hell does that work?! Does putting your finger in the barrel of a gun make the gun explode? No, it makes your finger explode as the bullet rips through it and anything else in the way! And this was with a freaking city-leveling laser! In short, Randy Quaid's plane should have exploded harmlessly beneath the gun, not blown the whole ship up! But that would have been way less heroic… Funnier, but less heroic.

Man that was a stupid movie! Fun, but stupid!

Terminator: Salvation:

Here was a movie that started off good but got real messed up towards the end! Yep, as soon as they dropped the hammer and revealed the full arc of the plot, you got to see how little sense this sequel really made. I tell ya, it had so many holes, you'd think a Terminator took a gatling gun to it!

The List: So the machines made a hit list in this movie with Kyle Reese's name at the top and Conners not far behind, right? And they also created a man-machine hybrid in the form of Marcus, right? And their plot all along was to have him help them kill Reese and Conner so they would win the war, right? Right! So… why the hell didn't he just kill them? What was the point of delivering Reese and Conner into their lair if the goal was to kill them all along? That's like the long-movie equivalent of a villain putting James Bond into some complicated death machine instead of just shooting him! It's like, if you want him dead, why put him in a situation he can actually get out of? You're life not challenging enough as it is? Especially with Reese, Marcus had him at gunpoint twice within the first thirty minutes! First time when he stole his shotgun, second time when he was showing him how to hold said shotgun. Boom! Movie's done! But instead, we get a big convoluted plot where they end up being captured, apparently thanks to Marcus, when it seemed like all he was doing from the beginning was try to help them!

"That was our plan all along!": Marcus spent the first portion of the movie wandering from the desert to the ruins of LA. There, he met (totally by coincidence) Kyle Reese. Reese and his little friend were captured IN SPITE of Marcus' efforts to protect them, not because of them. Marcus then found John Conner (again, purely by coincidence), and convinced him to let him go to Skynet's base so he could save them. John then went to that base to save Reese as well because the resistance was planning on attacking it. So really… how was Skynet orchestrating all this from the beginning? Seems to me that everything that happened up until this point was well beyond its control. Contrived? Hell yes! But saying that this all be part of some master plan doesn't make it any less so. If anything, it just seems like a weak-ass attempt at justifying these contrivances and tying up all the loose ends.

The Future: How did Skynet know that Conner would somehow come to defeat it? How did it know that Reese was his father? Finally, how his did it know that it had failed repeatedly to "get John Conner" in the past? The only way Skynet could have known how the future would work out is if someone told it, just like how Conner knew about the future because his mother told him (and she was told by Kyle Reese). In short, someone who has actually been there needs to come back and tell you. And that bits ruled out by the fact that all three Terminators were destroyed. So really, how does Skynet know a thing about this whole temporal thing? It got a crystal ball, some kind of device that can see the future? Nuh-uh!

Chip in the neck: If Skynet wanted to control Marcus, which apparently they were doing all along (though he didn't know it and it really didn't seem like they were), why do it through a chip he could easily remove? Why put the damn chip in his neck? Why not his brain? Just like with the whole delivering Reese and Conner to them, this seemed like an easily fixable situation. Rip, rip! Problem solved! Remember how Skynet said to Marcus, "You cannot save John Conner"? Well… yeah, actually he could! And thanks to Skynet's stupid, convoluted planning, that was exactly what he did!

The Machine HQ: Did you notice how at the end of the movie, the Resistance people just show up and pull Conner, Reese and Marcus out of the base? Didn't that seem remarkably easy? What about those gun towers and other defenses we just saw? What happened to those? Were they just for show? And if it was this easy, why couldn't they have done it way back when and shaved a couple years off the war?

Temporal Paradox thingy: We know from the first and second movie that Conner exists because Reese went back in time and had sex his mother. We also know that he didn't go back in time until after they broke into the machine HQ, presumably in 2029, destroyed Skynet and discovered the time machine. But in this alternate future, where Judgement Day happened later and the Resistance destroyed Skynet sooner (2018), there was no time travel to speak of. Sure they shamelessly and senselessly said that the war was still on because Skynet's "global network" was still out there, but if Skynet is gone before it built its time machine, wouldn't that mean that no time travel ever took place, and John Conner therefore wouldn't exist? Think about it! Conner exists because Reese had sex with his mom, but if Skynet was destroyed 11 years before he was supposed to go back in time, then it would never have built the time machine, Reese would never have gone back, and Sarah Conner would never have gotten pregnant with him. Oy! I just went cross-eyed!

Wow, that's a lot of holes. Am I being too harsh? I mean, I wanted to like this movie. Really, I did! But it made it just so damned hard!

Equilibrium:

Worst for last! This movie had holes so big a truck could pass through them! Seriously, by the end, you were taking stock of them all and realizing that they essentially rendered the entire premise moot. Where to begin…

Cleric Extraordinaire: So the movie starts with us being told that Bale's character is like the prodigal son of Grammaton Clerics (not too subtle reference to the movie's religious theme there!). Way he puts it, he's always been able to get inside "sense offenders" (sex offenders!) heads and know how they think. And yet, this guy not only failed to notice his wife was an offender, but his children too! Turns out, she was loving him in secret for years, and the kids stopped taking their Prozium after she was hauled off to be incinerated. So really, that means he was living in a house full of offenders for years and didn't notice! If he's the best they got its little wonder why they lost to the Underground!

"Don't lie to me!": There are countless examples of people who are supposed to be emotionless showing emotion in this movie. Taye Diggs does much of that with his constant smiling, but by far the worst was Angus MacFadyen's huge outburst. Seriously, how did Bale's character not notice that? I know, truth was he was never taking his Prozium, but that's not supposed to be common knowledge. You'd think he'd be a bit more subtle than to slam his fist down on a table and yell at someone. Especially a man who is specially trained to seek out and kill the kinds of people who do that. But then again, this is the same guy who didn't notice that his wife and kids were offenders, and they were doing it for years. Yeah, he's safe!

Gun Switch: Ah, yes! The scene where Bale switches guns with Diggs, and then frames him for the murder he already committed by using his gun to do it. Wait, what? Yeah, that's how it played out in the movie. Bale framed Diggs for the murder of several officers of the state by (apparently) using his gun to do it. Problem is, he didn't guns with him until AFTER the event. Only way this would make sense was if he already switched them, committed the murders, and was just giving him his own weapon back at this point. That would have worked just fine. It would have required an added scene or a flashback showing Bale stealing his gun beforehand, but otherwise, it makes no sense! Sloppy stuff like that makes the audience think someone in the editing booth was either asleep at the wheel or high! Maybe they had the right idea!

"We planned this": By the end, Bale is about to meet "The Father", but realizes he's been had. Turns out, his nemesis Diggs is alive, his whole mission to find the Underground was a ruse, and he himself was selected because apparently they thought he was a latent sense offender and just hadn't realized it yet. Uh… how did they know this exactly? I mean yes, he did BECOME a sense offender, but that was the result of an accident! He somehow forgot to stock up on Prozium, broke his last vial, and the damn pharmacy was closed! That's how it all began, the result of an unlikely, totally implausible accident. So really, how could they have foreseen this and planned it all out? Man, its just like what Terminator: Salvation did, except Wimmer did it sooner! Note to all writers and directors out there, DON'T IMITATE KURT WIMMER! I don't know if you've noticed, but his movies aren't exactly getting nominated for most original screenplay!

"I Feel!": By the very end, we learn that MacFadyen, the true leader of Libria, is himself a sense offender. Makes sense in a "we ripped off" 1984 kind of way, the leaders are hypocrites who don't follow their own rules. But really, this means that the head of this dystopian state has been breaking the rules all along and no one seemed to have noticed. Either that or all his colleagues in government were doing the same, how else could he have gotten away with it? With all the Clerics, informants and surveillance devices they have out there monitoring for offenders, wouldn't it have been really easy to spot a public figure exhibiting emotion? Am I over thinking the bit? Probably. At this point, the movie is over anyway so who the hell cares?

Man that was a stupid movie. No, no addendums to that statement – like it was still fun, or just be sure to check your brain at the door. It was just a stupid, stupid movie!

Well, that's all for now. I could go on, but I'm already in a bad mood just thinking about all these plot f$@*-ups! Quite frankly, I'd like to get back to reviewing books or movies that I actually enjoyed. And seeing as how I finally got my hands on a copy of Idoru, I think I'll do just that. Stay tuned!

Cityspeak (Blade Runner)

"That gibberish he talked was Cityspeak, gutter talk, a mishmash of Japanese, Spanish, German, what have you. I didn't really need a translator. I knew the lingo, every good cop did. But I wasn't going to make it easier for him." – Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford), Voiceover

That's how Ridley Scott explained it in his adaptation of Blade Runner. Well, technically Ford did the explaining through the character of Deckard, but that's neither here nor there. Point is, Cityspeak was something that did not appear in the novel version of Blade Runner/Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?. It was instead an original creation, designed to give the future-noire city of LA some subtext and a more gritty, realistic feel. I mean, let's face it. Overcrowded cities have a way of spawning their own lingo, and in a mega-city that is congested with millions of people, hundreds of cultures and dozens of languages, something like this would be sure to emerge. It was simply a matter of predicting which major languages would be involved, and writing the script in the 80′s, it was only natural that the languages of the most populous and wealthiest nations would do. English was and still is the trade language of the world, Japanese was quickly becoming another one, Spanish was already spoken by millions in California and all over the South-Western US, Germany was next to Japan as being the world's strongest economies, and Chinese… well, there were over a billion speakers of Chinese even back then. So really, Cityspeak was a legitimate sci-fi concept.

But here's an interesting fact: turns out Edward James Olmos – who played the character of Gaff, the only one who spoke Cityspeak – was the man chiefly responsible for its creation. Relying on his diverse ethnic background and some in-depth research, he managed to come up with all the lines his character spoke in the course of that opening scene where it makes it debut. Not only did he rely on his own Hungarian background, he took some night courses and studied inner-city youth lingo, relying even on his own experiences of living in the Philipines. As he recalled, Filipino cab drivers had their own lingo, a combination Spanish, Tagalog and the occasional English words which they would insert into their speech. One can see this in the lines of dialogue he composed, which were diverse and had several words in English for which no translation would be found. Here's the conversation as it appeared in the movie in full:

Gaff: Monsieur, azonnal kövessen engem, bitte!

Sushi Master: He say you under arrest, Mister Deckard.

Deckard: Got the wrong guy, pal.

Gaff: Lófaszt! Nehogy már! Te vagy a Blade, Blade Runner!

Sushi Master: He say you blade runner.

Deckard: Tell him I'm eating.

Gaff: Captain Bryant toka. Meni-o mae-yo.

Deckard: Bryant, huh?



The first section breaks down as follows:

Monsieur (French): Sir

azonnal kövessen engem (Hungarian): follow me immediately

bitte (German): please

The second, however, was entirely in Hungarian:

Lòfàszt!: Bullshit! (Or horse dick, depending on how literal you want to get!)

Nehogy már!: Do it!

Te vagy a Blade, Blade Runner!: You are the Blade, Blade Runner!

The last sentence… Well, it stumped me! Yep, not even a few full-on Google searches or several rounds with Google Translate and Babel Fish could crack this code! And I tried everything they listed, Japanese, Chinese, German, even Hungarian. But luckily, the Blade Runner crew had already provided a translation, it's just that there was no mention of which languages were used. It reads as follows:

"Captain Bryant toka. Meni-o mae-yo" (Captain Bryant ordered me to escort you to him).

And that's Cityspeak for you, something Ridley Scott and his Blade Runner adaptation was famous for, but which was mainly the creation of Edward James Olmos. I guess he's not just a pretty face, or the man that played Adama and won the love of countless Battlestar Galactic nerds…