Matthew S. Williams's Blog

Talking About Grief, Trauma, and Addiction

Good-day all! I hope everyone had a lovely Summer and is looking forward to Fall. Around here, Carla and I had an eventful time. Things have been going pretty well, but we’re still struggling with a few things. And lately, I’ve fallen into a hole regarding my recovering from Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), which I was officially diagnosed with about six months ago. This has raised a whole slew of uncomfortable questions, a ton of anxiety, and has made me more prone to drinking than before!

Truly, something must be off here because admitting you have a problem doesn’t generally make it worse, right?! It’s supposed to lead to a sense of resolution, even if it is a scary one. And I’ve accepted the idea of being an addict (hereafter, the Big-A) a couple times already, and it never fit for me. It always just seemed wrong, and since I’m the one most worried about it, I find it hard to believe that I’m in denial.

Life Was Improving

What makes this period especially ugly is the fact that life was feeling pretty good for a change. During the past six months, I quit relying on benzos (for the most part) and found that my anxiety was getting significantly better. We adopted a new cat, Sombrero (a Mexican rescue), and he has been fitting in very nicely. Over the summer, we had a lovely garden party where friends came over to help clear out all the weeds and underbrush.

Things improved on the social front. Our neighbors opened up their house to us and we enjoyed a lovely BBQ with some other folks from around the block. I also had the opportunity to help out with their pear harvest, which was a bumper to say the least! I was feeling good about talking to my new counselor, who wasn’t pressuring me to accept that I was dealing with the Big-A and go cold turkey on the drinking and weed consumption (like my old one).

We also had a nice harvest of tomatoes and garlic, not to mention some cabbage, arugula, and kale. My father and I also had a fun run cutting back the laurel hedge, which meant some serious wood cutting (always a good workout and conveniently located in our backyard!) And there was good news on the health front. All my indicators were coming back positive, which alleviated my health worries considerably. And we found our way out of financial hardship, thanks to my folks and their generosity.

I even began drinking regular coffee again, which has always been an indicator that my anxiety was under control.

A Snag

Alas, I hit a low point after a series of late nights where Carla and I were “partying” a little too much. I was already concerned, of course, and I began making cutbacks again. I’ve also instituted some “clean nights” where I wouldn’t touch weed. I also had my first totally dry and clean night in the past two years (without needing a reason like sickness). But I didn’t follow up with it and felt like a failure for it. I also had a string of nights where I drank too much and kept falling asleep on the couch or the toilet. And the health worries were adding up since I was tired of feeling hungover, hazy, and/or dizzy the next hazy.

This led me to the tentative conclusion that moderation wasn’t working, that my previous therapist was right, and that I needed to quit drinking cold turkey and permanently. And there was a bit of a precedent, since I did have an unhealthy relationship with drinking before all this happened. But of course, any amount of alcohol is unhealthy and I enjoyed the ritual of beers with dinner – i.e. it was not an addiction, but an admittedly unhealthy habit.

In any case, the idea that I am an addict and always have had that as a problem scares the hell out of me since having some cold beer with dinner and my wife having wine is a key part of our ritual and a source of relaxation and unwinding at the end of a challenging day.

As I mentioned last time, I turned to alcohol and marijuana as a coping mechanism after Carla had her stroke. I was initially worried that it was a red flag and that it could mean I was an alcoholic. But I was told by people who know – and I mean, really know! – what addiction is like, that I was okay, and it was understandable. The specific bullet points I stuck to (and still tell myself) were that:

I didn’t lose control when drinking (no black outs, no lost time, etc.)I didn’t drink at any time other than eveningsI didn’t drink when I got sick (for obvious health reasons)It didn’t take over my life or interfere with my ability to take care of Carla or do my jobI didn’t experience withdrawal symptoms when I didn’t drink

And of course, I told myself I would do whatever it takes to get clean after Carla was better. The only problem was, life didn’t get easier once Carla was home. First, there was the overwhelming nature of her care. I was doing everything for her and was feeling burnt all the time – driving her to all of her appointments, to dialysis, cooking her meals, assisting her around the house, taking care of our cat, doing the shopping, taking care of the house, finances, etc. Then, we learned that our cat Jasper, who was so happy to have his Mommy home, had cancer. He died three months later and we were devastated. And then there was the financial hardships, the rat infestation, me getting a MRSA infection, etc.

In other words, the problems remained and my “coping mechanism” was still in use. I was diagnosed with AUD and my health care practitioners all agreed that quitting gradually was the way to go. And I showed some positive signs, which included a gradual reduction, a few dry nights where I didn’t show any signs of alcohol withdrawal, and I was turning to non-alcoholic drinks to replace the beer or wine I’d usually be drinking.

But a slip can make you feel like a failure when you start thinking it’s all or nothing. And a series of bad nights can leave you feeling that there’s a pattern you haven’t broken yet. And the rationalizations I still tell myself feel like excuses. I’ve accepted the A-label and can’t seem to think or find my way around it! I know this will pass sooner or later, but the past week or so has been hell on Earth.

And the pathetically ironic thing here is that by thinking this, I’ve become more anxious, less functional, and more likely to drink than ever! Thinking that I’m an addict (with all that implies) has caused me to lose a lot of hope and looking for artificial sources of relief.

Resolution?

So I tell myself the same thing: I’m not the Big-A, but I do have a problem. The problem is life, anxiety, and a string of terrible events and stressors. The drinking has been a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. And I need to reduce and quit looking for artificial sources of relief gradually. The alternate approach, all-or-nothing, seems to be having the opposite effect. So perhaps that’s NOT what is needed or what will work for me in this context.

Maybe that’s not an excuse, but a simple statement of fact. That is what everyone who knows me – my wife, my family, my friends, and health care practitioners – are telling me. Maybe I should listen to them, and to my heart, and not the voices in my head. They have never been helpful to me as it is!

Episode 107 of SfS – A Conversation with Les Johnson – is Now Live!

This latest episode was particularly special. In addition to having NASA technologist Les Johnson on for the second time (Episode 25 – Going Interstellar!), we got to talk about our latest collaboration and the upcoming release of a major project – the Interstellar Travel Monograph. This series, edited by Les Johnson and fellow NASA alumnus Ken Roy, details interstellar travel’s benefits, possibilities, and challenges. Volume I covered the purpose and motivations, while Volume II addressed the technical and associated requirements of making the journey.

The latest installment, Volume III: After Arrival, addresses how humans will live on a distant planet, exploring questions of governance, economics, adaptation, and (my contribution) terraforming! This work builds on Les Johnson’s previous work, A Traveler’s Guide to the Stars, which lays out the case for interstellar travel for regular, everyday readers. The Monograph series targets scientists, engineers, and technical experts and will be used as textbooks in University-level courses. Everyone who contributed is an expert in their field, and they let me join in! What an honor!

This series also builds on previous work I had the honor of participating in, The Ross 248 Project (also edited by Johnson and Roy), which addressed how humans could live on rocky planets around red dwarf stars (like Proxima b). Check out the episode to hear more about Les Johnson’s work at NASA, the Monogram, and this fascinating subject matter!

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“I’m no Hero”

I finally get what those words mean. I’ve heard them uttered many times by people who had praise heaped on them for something heroic they did. And I’m sure everyone who might read this can relate. Chances are, we’ve all heard someone say something like this—maybe even someone very close to us. It may have come from a family member, a veteran, an emergency responder, a doctor, a firefighter, or someone who was put in a bad situation and made their way out.

Parents who raised multiple kids while dealing with poverty, health issues, addiction, and traumas of their own come to mind. Over and over again, you’ll hear people say that they simply “did their best” under difficult circumstances. They did extraordinary things and were praised for it, but refused to accept accolades, special treatment, or the idea that they were somehow different from everyone else.

I thought I understood what they were saying and suspected it was a simple matter of modesty. After all, a mark of a true hero is that they don’t need or want to be praised for what they did, right? “No thanks required” is how they roll, right?

But the truth is, I didn’t get it. But I do now.

Two Years of Crisis

As I detailed in a previous post, it all began two years ago when my wife suffered a hemorrhagic stroke caused by kidney failure. Over the next six months, she had to undergo several procedures and tests, and had to fight her way back from the injury and its lasting effects. While she was in the hospital, I did my best to visit her every day and bring home-cooked meals to supplement the hospital food she was getting (and didn’t much like!) I also did my best to take care of our fur-baby Jasper, who was quite confused and distressed by his mother’s sudden absence. And of course, there was also the house, our finances, and a million bureaucratic matters to tend to.

After six months, she came home. A new chapter began, and it was overwhelming from the beginning. In addition to dialysis three times a week, she had physiotherapy and occupational therapy two to three times a week. She needed constant assistance, and I was the only one there to give it to her. Three months after she returned home, we learned our fur-baby had intestinal lymphoma. At this point, my weeks were saturated by Carla’s appointments, operations and chemo treatments for Jasper, my writing jobs, and taking care the both of them.

My folks did their best to help us (and still do), driving three hours to see us and assisting big-time with chores, cleaning, and home renovations. But this was rather challenging since my parents are both retired and close to turning 80. Her parents had similar issues, living far away and having health issues that made travel rather difficult. My sister lives in Florida, while her siblings are a few hours’ drive away, but lead very busy lives.

Some friends would also come by to do dishes, drop off meals, and assist Carla in showering. But of course, people are busy, and as soon as Carla was out of the hospital, the assistance and visitations began to drop off considerably. After Jasper died, we faced financial hardship due to the combination of vet bills, Carla’s wheelchair, orthotics, and accommodations, her being off work, and me having to cut back on my hours. Then we had a rat infestation to deal with, followed by me contracting a MRSA infection that caused my arm to balloon and months of IV and antibiotic treatments.

The Unbearableness of Praise

Throughout this horrendous series of events, people kept telling me what a good job I was doing and praised me for it. I earned the nickname “Stalwart,” a play on my middle name, Stewart. My folks regularly told me how proud they were of me and said others spoke of me like I was a “hero” or a “saint.” I’m almost positive neither of these words was ever used, but that was the tone some people adopted when talking about my role. And my wife would constantly express her gratitude for what I was doing.

Our family and friends spoke similarly when talking to or about her, as she was always so determined and positive throughout the ordeal. I was never comfortable with all this praise, and I’m sure she wasn’t either. It just felt like a total misrepresentation. I thought I knew why this kind of thing rubbed me the wrong way, but it took me a while to articulate the reasons. I eventually came up with two possible explanations.

On the one hand, the word “hero” didn’t exactly mesh with my feelings. Throughout the crisis, I was incredibly stressed, burnt out, and/or incredibly anxious and depressed. I did NOT feel like I was on top of things; most of the time, I felt like I was barely holding it together. I was constantly caught between resentment and guilt, and felt like a total failure. I was just desperate for some kind of relief, and would find it with benzos, alcohol, or marijuana. This only added to my shame and worries, because I had to contend with the very real possibility that I was an addict.

At the same time, something always felt dismissive about it. It reminded me of what famed Nigerian-British writer, Buchi Emechita (OBE) wrote in her acclaimed novel, The Joys of Motherhood. In one of the later chapters, the main character is addressed by a bus driver after she relates how difficult her life has been. “But you’re a mother. You’re above all that,” he says. This leads her to reflect on how people will praise mothers when they’re actually ignoring the hardships they face.

You see this all the time in patriarchal societies, where mothers are supposedly revered while being treated like second-class citizens. For people who don’t have to deal with hardship, they would rather pretend that it doesn’t exist, lest it intrude on their happy little bubble. It’s far easier to praise someone struggling than to step out of your comfort zone and help them. It’s not unlike how people surrender authority to someone offering advice or elevating a “prophet” to godhood because it’s easier than listening to their advice or making any changes in your own life.

On the other hand, it could be what people do when they can’t offer help and feel really bad about it. I know from personal experience how much it sucks to hear that someone you care about is suffering and not being able to do anything about it. Not only is this something I felt for my wife constantly while she was in the hospital, which always prompted me to drop things and go in to see her, it’s something I’ve felt about my friends who are on the other side of the country. This included one of my best friends, who struggles with mental illness and even attempted suicide once.

When you can’t do something to alleviate someone else’s burdens, you feel the need to praise them for “doing it all by themselves” or saying “I don’t know how you do it.” But regardless, it’s of no use to the person on the receiving end. Praise doesn’t alleviate pain, grief, trauma, or make someone’s day any easier.

“I’m No Hero”

Unpacking all of this brought me to the realization I was previously missing. Basically, people who don’t want to be called heroes aren’t being modest. They don’t want praise, accolades, or applause for what they’ve done. They want people to know that they suffered and are still suffering. They went through a terrible crisis and experienced trauma, grief, and tremendous stress from it. Chances are, they feel like they barely made it through and aren’t sure how they will deal with it all moving forward. And they don’t feel like people understand, unless they’ve experienced the same thing or something similar.

Only those who have been through the ringer can ever truly understand. When the shit hits the fan, you have no choice but to knuckle down, step up, stand and be counted, etc. But all the while, you’re thinking, “Why me? Why us? Why did this happen? How could this have happened?” Getting through that is a terrible experience, but you keep going because you have to. You just want to reach the finish line, wherever it might be, and get your life back.

But there is no finish line. After you experience a terrible crisis, your life changes forever. And there is always what comes next: the sad and terrible knowledge you will carry for the rest of your life. You come to understand how fragile life is and how it can be changed irrevocably in an instant. Whatever you are enjoying – happiness, stability, success, or just plain boredom – it can be snatched away from you at any time. Under those circumstances, the word “hero” or other nice things people say to you ring hollow.

You don’t believe them. You know in your heart that you did the best you could, you survived, and you’ll have scars that will never fully heal. Above all, it will take you a long time to fully appreciate that. You might tell yourself as much, but it takes a while to sink in. Once it does, you will finally feel like you can begin to heal, but that will also take a long time.

I hope you’re all doing well out there. And if you’re not, that’s okay. You don’t need to expect that from yourself or feel like a failure because of it. No matter what you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. Chances are, there are countless people out there who are dealing (or have dealt with) the same thing you are. And don’t hesitate to reach out and ask for help where needed. I’m sure anyone who has been through the same thing (or something similar) will have plenty of helpful advice. It’s possible I might too!

Episode 106 – Megastructures (Part III) – is now Live!

Sixty years ago, famed physicist Freeman Dyson theorized that in their ongoing quest to find more living space and energy, advanced civilizations might choose to convert their solar systems into megastructures enclosing their star. This came to be known as a “Dyson’s Sphere,” a concept that inspired countless variations and similar concepts. A few years later, Nikolai Kardashev mentioned the Dyson Sphere while presenting his scheme for classifying extraterrestrial intelligence (ETI) based on its level of technical development – aka. the Kardashev Scale.

In previous episodes, we examined the kinds of structures that a Type II and III Civilization might create. In this third and final installment, we looked at the types of megastructures a Type I+ Civilization might create (and that could include humanity someday). To break it down, these megastructures would belong to a civilization that had mastered its home planet (i.e., harnessing all of its energy sources) and was beginning to extend its presence across its solar system.

As always, these theoretical structures are a way to make futuristic predictions while also guiding SETI searches for potential technosignatures. Take a listen and be sure to check out the concept art of Neil Blevin at Soulburn Studios.

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Episode 105 – Megastructures (Part II) – is now live!

This week’s episode is the second installment in my series about megastructures. In the previous installment, we took a look at the Dyson Sphere, the concept that started it all, as well as variations like the Niven Ring and Matrioshka Brain. As promised, this episode examines some of the more exotic concepts for Dyson structures that could allow an advanced species to harness the power of its star. This includes the Alderson Disk and the Shkadov Thruster (pictured above and below).

Neil Blevins

These are all examples of megastructures that a Type II civilization (on the Kardashev Scale) could conceivably create. In part III, I hope to delve into proposed concepts that a Type I+ civilization could create someday (and that includes humanity). Some examples include a Space Elevator, an O’Neill Cylinder, a Stanford Torus, a Clarke Band, and more. As always, I will be referencing the artwork of Neil Blevins (and others) to illustrate what these fascinating concepts could look like. Follow the links below to learn more.

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Episode 104 – Megastructures (Part I)! – is now Live!

This past week, I did an episode that is long overdue! In truth, I can’t possibly explain why I’ve neglected it for so long. The subject at hand… MEGASTRUCTURES! Honestly, this is like one of my top five favorite topics and specialties when it comes to space, science fiction, and the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI). Yet here we are, three years (happy third anniversary, Stories from Space!) and more than 100 episodes later, and I find out I haven’t done an episode dedicated to this lovely topic.

The story begins with Freeman Dyson, the famed British-American theoretical physicist and mathematician. In 1960, he wrote a paper outlining how advanced civilizations, in their drive to find more living space and energy, would someday convert their planets into artificial biospheres that would enclose their entire star. This became known as a Dyson Sphere, a concept that spawned an entire field of study. Decades later, there are innumerable proposed concepts, all of which were proposed to help constrain SETI searches.

Similar to Nikolai Kardashev‘s paper (released a few years later), in which he proposed what is now known as the Kardashev Scale, Dyson’s proposed structure was a means of suggesting the kind of technological signatures that SETI researchers should be looking for. Thanks to him, SETI researchers are not only looking for evidence of transmissions in the cosmos, but also evidence of planetary engineering. Given the richness of this topic, this episode is part of a series that may (as I hope) run for three episodes. Check it out!

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Episode 103 – Space Health: My Interview with Shawna Pandya – is now live!

Hello folks! My apologies for the delays in posting. The past few weeks have been a bit of a ringer over here (which I will address in a future post). Also, while the ringer situation was going on, I decided to share my AADYA Geo Talks interview on Stories from Space, which was the subject of episodes 101 and 102. Since I had already posted about that interview here (complete with the video), I saw no reason to talk about it again. But this most recent episode? That is something I need to rave about!

After months of scheduling, rescheduling, and delays (on my end), I finally got to interview Dr. Shawna Pandya! In addition to being a fellow Canuck and martial artist (Taekwon-Do, same federation as me!), Dr. Pandya is a physician, an emergency medic, an aeromedical transport doctor, pilot, analog astronaut, explorer, and aquanaut with NASA’s NEEMO analog missions. She is also the director of the International Institute for Astronautical Sciences’ (IIAS) Space Medicine Group, and will be (as soon as next year) Canada’s first female commercial astronaut.

During our interview, we discussed the path that brought her to medicine, space exploration, and the future for humans living and working in space. Follow the links below to check it out!

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Episode 100 of Stories from Space is now Live!

Welcome all! This week’s episode is one that I consider very important. Since the Trump administration was inaugurated, people at NASA were understandably afraid. Uncertainty about the future can do that to people, especially when an unelected, unconfirmed member of government (Elon Musk) begins making seemingly arbitrary cuts to departments, jobs, and spending. Those fears were confirmed with the release of the White House’s Fiscal Year 2026 Budget Request (FY 2006).

In addition to deep cuts, the Budget also calls for the cancellation of programs that NASA has been pursuing for years as part of its “Moon to Mars” mission architecture. These include the Space Launch System (SLS), the Orion Spacecraft, and the Lunar Gateway, which are integral to the Artemis Program and plans to send the first crewed missions to Mars. The Budget also pushes privatization as the solution to every proposed cut, and very deliberately and specifically targets funding for “woke” programs that seek to increase representation in the STEM fields.

To call this Budget a disaster in the making only undersells it. If enacted, it could throw NASA’s entire future into jeopardy. Whereas the Budget specifies that NASA’s only priority should be beating China to the Moon and Mars, it will likely make that goal much harder to achieve. And it would almost surely compromise the agency’s longstanding reputation for leadership in space.

The release of this episode is also a milestone for me and the podcast I launched almost three years ago (July 12th, 2022). Its inception can be trace to an interview I had with the hosts of the Intersection of Technology and Society Magazine (ITSM), Sean Martin and Marco Ciappelli. The funny thing is, they wanted to interview me for an article I wrote for Interesting Engineering titled “Life in 2050: A Glimpse at Education in the Future.”

Afterward, I told them what my main subject was (i.e., space and spacey stuff), and they had me back on for two more episodes to discuss the future of space exploration and exoplanet studies. During the second interview, we announced that I was joining ITSP with a new podcast – Stories from Space!

As such, I wish this episode’s subject were less alarming or depressing. But I promise future episodes (knock on wood!) will be cheerier and feature better news!

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Episode 99 of Stories from Space is now Live!

This week’s episode was an exciting one! I sat down with aerospace engineer, astrophysicist, and analog astronaut Dr. Rodrigo Schmitt. For years, he and other engineers have used the Kerbal Space Program (with the realism mods) to assist with spacecraft design and mission planning. KSP and other “sandbox games” have also been hailed as a vital educational tool for people studying to become aerospace engineers.

During our interview, we chatted about his recent paper, in which he proposes how KSP and other sandbox games could be integrated into the actual spaceship and mission design process. Based on NASA’s Program/Project Life Cycles, he explained how the software could become part of Pre-Phase A: Concept Studies, the initial design phase. Our interview also focused on how he and his team simulated the Artemis V mission and how orbital refueling will play an important role.

It was honestly one of the most fun interviews I’ve done in recent history. Check out the links below to hear more…

Where to Listen:

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Episode 98 of Stories from Space – The Growing Problem of Space Junk – is now Live!

After a wee hiatus, Stories from Space is back! And this week’s episode is dedicated to something that is overdue: Space Junk! Otherwise known as orbital debris, this problem is the result of decades’ worth of launches (roughly 7000) that have placed 21,620 satellites into orbit. About 14,240 of these satellites are still there, and 11,400 are still operational. Similarly, every launch made before the advent of reusable rockets has left thousands of spent first and second stage rockets in orbit.

Over time, collisions between these objects have littered Low Earth Orbit (LEO) with literally millions of objects ranging from the massive to the incredibly small. Regardless, objects in orbit are accelerated to speeds of 7 to 8 km/s (4.35 to 5 mi/s), making them potentially lethal. And the worst part is, it’s only going to get worse. With more and more space companies conducting regular launches to deploy satellite “mega constellations,” CubeSats, and commercial space stations are deployed, the situation in orbit is projected to get worse.

But the greatest threat is what is known as Kessler Syndrome, where the saturation of LEO with debris will create a cascade effect – where more collisions will mean more debris objects, and so on. Hence why this episode also gets into mitigation strategies and proposals for active debris removal (ADR). But of course, the greatest challenge is changing the way we think!

Check out the links below to learn more.

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