Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 60

I love stuff like this.

Up until a few months ago, Dunn Bros was at the bottom of the coffee rung for me. Like any other good citizen who cares even a little about sustainability, I tried to hit local when I could, and Starbucks when I was weak (I can't help it! I am a sucker for lifestyle marketing. And I want that green mermaid logo to define my fancy life). And Dunn Bros coffee was always too dark and strong for my delicate palate and sweet-like-a-rose mouth.

But now that I live in a place where chains are plentiful and local is hard to find (I moved here for love!), I found myself checking out the local Dunn Bros one day while on a quest for a change of environment and strong wi-fi. And while this particular Dunn Bros was located in a strip mall (why does that seem to hurt my soul so much? Even when Quixotic Coffee, the local of local, was in a strip mall in Highland Park, I had a hard time with it. And I'm not even that precious about malls and suburbs and stuff - I prefer to be urban, but suburbs definitely have their charms, too) I was really surprised by the drive to make it feel like the neighborhood coffee shop. They had live music and book readings and the baristas were nice and seemed to remember people. And I found a coffee drink I liked, and their membership program is great. Caribou, you could take a page from their book. Starbucks, go fuck yourselves and your "We reward loyal customers! Wait, we decided to stop doing that now."

And then Dunn Bros does something like this, where not only do you get to score a FREE CANDY BAR (which I can't even eat, but still - FREE CANDY BAR!), but you're helping to support PACER'S, which is just so awesome. Anything that involves coffee and charity is a-okay in my book, and I'll be first in line to give my dollars and a "what's up" to it. And then if it also involves free chocolate-covered candy stuffs? Holy shit, everybody.

So yeah. I'm not getting paid to tell you this (although...Dunn Bros...if you want to pay me to say it...I mean...I'm open to talk about it with you, if you want...), but I think y'alls should try to hit your local Dunn Bros tomorrow, grab a beverage, stuff your face with your free Nut Goodie, and then feel real, real good about the good you're doin'.

I could try to bully you into it, but that would defeat the purpose a little bit this time, right?

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'The Bachelorette' Episode 2 Recap - It's Just About Everyday Life, You Guys

Last night's episode of The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter opened up with a crackerjack "news story" on Charleston local Emily and "rumors" that the new season of The Bachelorette was filming in Charleston so Emily could be close to her daughter. This, of course, came as a shock to everyone watching, since WE HAD ALL KNOWN THIS FOR MONTHS. Great reporting, Channel 9.

So we see Emily in the park with her daughter and some Mom Friends, which is nice because we really never get a slice of what "everyday life" looks like for the Bachelor/Bachelorettes. Then Chris cattle-calls all the men out to the courtyard, and DROPS A BOMB: On this season, if you get a one-on-one date, you need to pack your bags ahead of time because if you don't get the rose, you're going home immediately (aka to a local hotel to be in seclusion until filming is over). Then Chris announces that he has the first date card to give them, he leaves, some douche drops "it just got real" and the entire world sighs with disapproval and disappointment.

Chris, a Corporate Sales Director (who's the kind of guy who's so freaky looking that he starts to look attractive after you stare at him for long enough, kind of like those visual eye puzzles with the shapes that jump out of you, only with HIS FACE) really wants that First Date Card. But sad news, Chris, because much like going into a ball game, Pro Sports Ryan is never expectin' to lose, and he didn't lose now - Ryan got the First Date card. "Be my king in Queen city." What does it mean?! The guys all wonder, as they tear their shirts off their chests and pound the cement ground in frustration. Ryan has no idea, but he what he does know is that his Pastor always said that "if you treat a woman like a queen, she'll treat you like a king."

Fun fact: Never goes into a ball game expectin' to lose. And cut to the only moment in the entire show where we'll like Kalon The Kracken, who tries very hard to stifle a "shut the fuck up" smile.

Emily's First Date With Real Housewife Ryan

And then it's pool time, pool time, look at all those muscular chests pool time! Kracken thinks that it's like being in a frat house from hell - on steroids, no less! - but no one could really hear him drop that Truth Bomb over the collective orgasm that just erupted from every woman in America. Emily walks in to pick up Ryan, they leave, the guys all talk about how stupid Ryan's hair looks, and then we see Emily and Ryan jump into her white Tahoe and take off.

Ryan has no idea where they're going - all he knows is that this could be the first date with his future wife! Although, secretly, he's hoping for a helicopter ride or a wine soaked jacuzzi session or a private concert in the park. You know, the standard first date stuff. Oh no, though...Emily pulls up in front of her house and tells him to help her bring in the groceries. Which is hilarious, because now Ryan knows what every girl he's ever dated felt like after sleeping with him - major disappointment, veiled by a grin-and-bear-it attitude.

So it turns out that they're gonna make cookies for Rikki's soccer team because Emily is Snack Mom and while The Bachelor usually does dates that are exciting and glamorous, that's not her real life (although, to be fair, she's a 26 yr old single mom who drives a white Tahoe and lives in a brick mansion in Charleston, so her everyday life is pretty okay in my book). Ryan decides to turn off the douche nozzle and warms up to the idea that baking cookies could be romantic. You know, kind of like the Real Housewives do when they're forced to show for the camera how they can be real people, too, despite their good looks, unrealistic lifestyles, and vapid personalities.

Flash to The Guys Left Behind, as they talk about whether or not Ryan will meet Rikki on the first date or not. Parent Expert Doug chimes in his two cents about the way things are done When You're a Parent (did you guys know that he's a dad? He has a son. Just in case you didn't know that yet).

So Emily and Ryan go and drop the cookies off to Rikki and her teammates. Ryan has to stay in the car, HA HA HA! and once again brings up the fact that he would love to taken away on a big jet and on these big adventures BUT this is okay, too. Seriously, the more he keeps bringing that up, the uglier he gets. But, luckily for Ryan, Emily gets back into the car and tells Ryan that the date isn't over. I was kind of hoping that the rest of the date was going to include the two of them helping one of her friends move, just really put the screws on Ryan's Fantasy Date, but no - they're going out to dinner at one of Emily's favorite places. Cut to a bare-chested Ryan ironing his shirt, him saying some more stuff, and then Emily picking him up in a sports car. The rest of the date is pretty boring - dinner at a restaurant and then a concert by some band no one has ever heard of - but here are the high points: 1) Pretty much everyone in Charleston has decided to join them by lining the streets outside the eatery, which was actually kind of creepy. 2) Emily is kind of a tough customer. She doesn't let guys off the hook when it comes to being honest about real life. This is good with guys like Ryan, who are used to charming a girl with a smile, but I also have a feeling we're in for some uncomfortable moments down the line. 3) Ryan bugs me. I still think he'll be in the #Top5, but the more I see him, the more I think of that really good looking guy who's now 50 and has divorced his first wife to run around in a convertible with his 19 yr old girlfriend.

photo via wetpaint.comThe Group Date Card shows up, and it's a big one. The date card says, "Let's set the stage for love" and Stevie The Dancing Elf (did you guys know he's a party MC?! HA HA HA HA!) immediately wows everyone with his brainiac skills by announcing that it's clear that they're going to be on some type of stage. Kraken confides that while the thought of theater might make some of the guys nervous, he, for once, embraces the stage. And then we all puked a little bit and then some guy asked him if he was flying a helicopter to the date and then we all laughed and then things were okay again.

Group Date: The Muppeteers

Okay. Here is the thing that I kinda sort of love about Emily: While she seems very soft-spoken and sweet, the fact that she wouldn't do the show unless it filmed in Charleston so she could be close to her family speaks volumes. Knowing that, and knowing that she actually had a hand in planning the first date with Real Housewife Ryan, we can all pretty much assume that she also had a hand in the group date. As some of you might remember, Emily's real job is an event planner for a children's hospital. What is the group date? It's about putting on an event that's actually a fundraiser...for The Rikki Hendricks Center for Intensive Care. I kind of love the idea of Emily insisting that one of the dates be an event that raises money for her charity and actually be useful for something, instead of just a way to make people uncomfortable by forcing them to be "adventurous" and jump out of a bunch of helicopters. 

So the guys show up, Stevie The Dancing Elf looks like a total douche in a newsie-type hat and his sweatshirt draped around his shoulders, and Emily announces that they'll all be performing today...with The Muppets.

Cue my domestic partner having a meltdown about "those lucky fucks! They have no idea how lucky they are!" Which is true.

The Muppets - Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Fozzie Bear are truly hilarious. Tony triyng to do his Kermit impression is not. Head Trauma Charlie has a hot flash about speaking in public, but all The Guys Left Behind are cheering for him to do well, and like a stand-up guy, he turns it into an honest confessional moment with Emily, who is of course super sweet about it. The show is a hit - both Emily and Chris Harrison show some surprising acting chops - and it's a fantastic event that raises a lot of money.

photo via buddytv.comThen it's the date part of the event. Tony can't wait to tell Emily all about himself. Chris wants that rose SO BAAAD! Pretty much like the way he wants everything else. Emily calls him attractive and his head explodes, along with everyone else's. And then it's Jef With One F... Oh, Jef. Lady Killa Jef. Jef is starting to kill me, y'alls. Jef is the kid at Y camp that every other girl is in love with so you don't want to be in love with because come on but then he talks to you once while standing in line at the canteen and he actually seems really nice and sweet and he smiles at you once and then all of a sudden you're madly in love with him and crying on the way home from camp because you don't know if you'll ever see him again. And Jef knows this. It is obvious that Jef knows the effect he has on girls, but unlike Ryan, it doesn't seem to be a power that he uses for evil. Instead, he simply plays it cool...and by holding back, he's putting Emily on the wooing side and has got her worrying about whether or not Jef is into her. As the rest of us Bachelor Scholars will attest to, this is a classic yet supremely successful ploy.

Stevie gets gross by slow dancing with Emily, and the guys all sneak up to watch and laugh. Kraken makes Stevie hate him even more by breaking it up. Emily kind of shows that she's also got some game by using the same line of a couple of guys "Today I was kind of like, 'Where's ___?' What's going on with him?" Which is annoying but works like a charm. Kraken admits that he's never really had to compete for the attention of a woman, which is just so...god, this guy is an asshole, right? Like, he's a complete asshole. And then Biology Aaron tries to break in and Kraken is all, "just give me 2 minutes, good sir" and Aaron's like, "Go fuck yourself" so then Kraken tries to make himself look like the chivalrous one by slinking away. But then he whines to the guys about it and Stevie's like, "I hate you so much" and while everyone else agrees with him, we still get to witness this really awkward trading-of-the-barbs which somehow ends up making both Stevie and Kraken look even more like idiots.

So the rose comes up and Tony wants Emily to know more about himself but she doesn't give him a chance and instead makes a speech about who she's going to give the rose to and gives the rose to Jef With One F, who looks at her and is like, "Yeah?" like he TOTALLY WASN'T EVEN LISTENING TO A WORD SHE WAS SAYING! Touche, Jef With One F. Touche x 1000.

There's No Room For Joe At The Greenbrier

For the second date, Emily picked High Energy Joe. They fly off in a private jet to the Greenbrier in West Virginia, one of her favorite places in the entire world. The star of the date is the Greenbrier - a resort that Emily has been going to since she was a little girl (btw? This place is freaking ridiculous). They jump into a 100-year-old pool in coordinating swimsuits.

Which is a great sequeway for The Guys Left Behind, where Kraken says a bunch of stupid stuff about his feelings when it comes to being with a woman who has a child and Parent Expert Doug gets all huffy and defensive about Kraken saying that he "gave up being a dad for three months" to come on the show, even though he did, but Kraken needs to step back and think about what he said (even though he didn't really say anything except that Doug wasn't going to be home with his son for three months, and it's the same tired argument we've had every single season where someone gets pissy about their kid and someone else is like, dude, you made a choice to be here for 3 months instead of at home, and everyone else just rolls their eyes and goes to the bar for another drink).
photo via blog.zapit.comBack to the date! Emily comes down the staircase in a dress, they go to dinner, she asks Joe some tough questions that he doesn't quite answer, they put some notes into the love clock, and then Emily starts crying (and OF COURSE she's a pretty crier, right? Like, of course she's not the kind of girl who screws up her face all weird or gets super ugly when she cries. Emily cries and all of our hearts break with her, because she's beautiful and perfect and our only hope for a fair world is that she turns out to be a Nexus 6 Replicant who has learned emotion from being fed fake memories). She doesn't feel sparks with Joe, even though everyone else watching (me) thinks Joe is kind of great and that she's just not giving him a chance. The main reason, though, is that even though he's a great guy she just doesn't see him fitting into her Everyday Life, so she cries and Joe gets it and drives off in a limo and then fireworks go off and it proves that Emily is taking this seriously, you guys! She's NOT playing around! She's got a daughter to think of.

"Cock"tail Party Time!

The cocktail party is kind of boring EXCEPT that, in Tony's quest for Emily to get to know who he really is, he tries to interrupt time between Emily and Ryan and gets caught standing there and having to listen while Emily read aloud a SEVEN PAGE LETTER FROM RYAN. Seriously, this guy is SUCH a douche! Please, everybody, stop writing letters and notes to the Bachelor/Bachelorette. We did that in Middle School. We shall not do that no'moh! So it was awkward and uncomfortable but then Tony FINALLY got to tell Emily about who he is. Which is basically that he's also a father, so that means that there should be an instant connection and Emily should fall in love with him, because single mothers and fathers always fall in love with each other.

And then Kraken gets more time with Emily, which means that we have to stare at his fish face some more, which sucks. Also, just so everyone knows, he's like an old man so that's why he doesn't really relate to girls his age because their interests are just "different." Stevie The Dancing Elf talks some more about how much he hates Kraken. The surprising part is that Sean The Insurance Agent is starting to get some more camera time, which is not a bad thing. Sean also talks about Kraken and how he likes to use his vocabulary to "show dominance in the household" which is an intelligence and courteous way of saying that Kraken is a pretentious douche, which he confirms in the next scene by declaring that he now feels "mentally refreshed" after his time with Emily. GOD I HATE THIS GUY.

The Rose Ceremony begins, and Biology Aaron and Kyle get the boot. They talk a bunch about how hard it is to get their heart broken by someone they've known a week, and then it's The End.

BUT! I also tuned into Jimmy Kimmel after the show last night, and TOTAL DRAMA BOMB - Emily let it drop that there is definitely a guy on the show who was angling to get dumped in a sympathetic manner so he could be the next Bachelor. My pick for the culprit is Real Housewife Ryan. Because duh.

Also, let's compare Jimmy Kimmel's Top 4 picks with my Top 5 picks -

Jimmy's - 
Jef
Sean
Arie
Ryan

Mine - 
Jef
Ryan
Arie
Michael
Alejandro

Typically I always have one pick who shows up really well in the First Episode/draft but ends up playing poorly the rest of the season. Michael and Alejandro are at the bottom of my roster right now. I kind of wish I could switch out one of them for Sean...Kimmel's spot on with that prediction, I think.

How about you? Who are your Top 5 picks?

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I don't know yet if we're getting back together. Right now we're still just talking things over. But...it looks good, you guys. It looks really, really good.

So the other day John Mayer showed up on Ellen .

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As some of you might remember, John and I...well. It's pretty safe to say that we were in love. And then...it felt like he was going everything he could to push me away, you know? And there's only so much that a heart can take. John knows this...it's like...I don't know...slow dancing in a burning room or something.

So I did my best to forget about him. I moved on. I would hear about him every once in a while...that he was recording a new album, had moved out to the country, had taken to growing out his hair and wearing a weird hat...and while I found myself wondering and worrying sometimes (really, John? Let's maybe talk about that hair and the hat...), I had to let go. I had to just let his name pass on through like a train in the night. Like I had said before, he had done this to himself. 

But then he showed up on Ellen. And there was just something...different about him... He seemed reflective. Introspective. Maybe a little regretful of all the things he had done to push away the ones who loved him. I guess vocal cord surgeries change a person... I don't know. It just seems like he's changed. Grown up. Become a better man.

And then he started talking about The Bachelor and I started to remember everything I had once so loved about him.

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So. I don't know, you guys...I'm not going to say that everything is fine again and we're back to where we once were. We're gonna take things slow for now. There's a lot of healing that still needs to happen...and just because he made a few cracks on Ellen about rose ceremonies doesn't mean I've forgotten all of those long, lonely nights of silence on Twitter or the empty space his blog once occupied in my Google Reader. But maybe I can forgive. If he can change...maybe I can, too, you know?



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MCA tribute: Kids re-enact Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" video

Bam!

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'The Bachelorette' Premiere Recap: Meet My Millionaires!

Since the moment it was announced and confirmed, I have been suuuper excited about Emily Maynard's debut as The Bachelorette. Her power was first recognized when, while watching the premiere of The Bachelor: Brad's From Texas season, a male friend made us replay her saying "I'm Emily. I'm from Virginia" in her sweet southern lilt over and over (and then over) again. And then...her story! Which made us all cry. And then...the way she looked! Which made me want to hate her.  But then...the way she acted and dressed and smiled! Which was sweet but not dumb, sexy but not slutty, pretty but not vapid. She was perfect. If I believed in robots, I would say that she was a Nexus 6 and should probably be retired for the good of the universe.

I just threw down not one but TWO Blade Runner references, a movie that I just watched this week but have decided to casually reference all the time so that you don't question my upbringing or the quality of my parent's child-rearing skills (because really, parents. That's the one movie that I didn't get to see as a kid? But Night of the Living Dead was cool when I was 5 and we lived across the street from the cemetery?)

So anyway. Newly-Separated-From-His-Wife Chris Harrison opens the season by announcing that this season of The Bachelorette will be very different than any other season BECAUSE THIS TIME HE'S SINGLE AND WILL FINALLY BE THE ONE TO BANG THE BACHELORETTE!

Just kidding. It's because she has a kid. Which is actually not that different, since The Bachelor: Jason Cries had a kid, too. The only thing that makes it different is that Emily didn't jump at the chance to do it and they moved the production to totally boring Charleston versus totally boring Somewhere On The Beach In California.

This Is Emily's Life. It's Probably A Lot Better Than Yours, Besides The Whole "The Love of My Life Was Killed In a Plane Crash & Then Afterwards I Found Out I Was Pregnant With His Child" Part.

As we all know, every season opens with a segment of "I'm about to embark on a journey that leads to true love." This one finds Emily wearing an unfortunate sweater and doing stuff with her daughter, Sammy or Jesse or Ricki...some little girl who has a boy's name which was also her dad's name. Who's cute. Which is a relief, right? We've all seen that really pretty mom and her ugly daughters - Demi Moore comes to mind - and it's never an arrangement where we're like, "Oh. Well good. Hopefully all those comparisons about your mother being prettier than you will drive you to do better in school." The one unexpected twist of this reliable "This is my life" season opener is that Emily sums up her story in about 3 sentences. Which is a surprise, since you'd think the producers would want to draw it out as to build sympathy from viewers who didn't watch her on Brad's season, and to also cement that whole "I've been hurt before" backdrop that seems to be crucial when we're 10 episodes in and trying to remember why the hell we're supposed care about this fickle fuck who keeps kissing everyone and but then gets rid of all the good ones (Aka, The Bachelor: Ben Doesn't Have a Dad ).

But then, later, as she's talking to Chris Harrison, she mentions that she doesn't want to dwell on her story that much because she's tired of talking about it and she's moved past it. Which is refreshing. You guys remember Tenley? The dancer girl on The Bachelor: Jake Flies a Plane who used every single moment to talk about her "past" as a divorcee? Yeah.

Hey Girl, I'm Just Like That Guy You Loved Who Died
courtesy of wetpaint.comSo then we get to know some of the guys. This used to be a sure fire way of sussing out who was going to be on the show at least past the first episode, but the producers got wise to this and now it's just a cheap way to play with our emotions once again.

First, we meet Kalon, a "Luxury Brand Consultant" who got his start dealing cocaine to the popular rich kids at mansion pool parties and tries to ignore you when you ask him if his mom ever told the Halibut she made love to that she named their love child "Kalon."

Then it's time to meet some athletic guy who runs with his dog, whose name I forgot when he took his shirt off.

Then we meet Tony, who has a kid. You will be surprised to know that his son is the best thing that ever happened to him. Usually guys go on TV and say, "I thought it was going to suck, this whole having a kid business, but it turned out to be alright." But not this guy! Kids are great, everybody. Emily gets it. Tony also has two thumbs and is going to end up with Emily, just in case you were wondering.

Oh my stars, it's a black person! Lerone - who is black! There is a black person on The Bachelor - is a black businessman who is also black.

And then there's David. David is a singer songwriter from New York who wears scarves. And! GET THIS - he actually writes songs about trying to find true love! He's fucked.

Charlie, you should know, was in an accident recently. I'm sure we'll hear more about this throughout the entire series. Seemed like a nice guy. But then he ended with "I may have a head injury, but there's nothing wrong with my heart!"

...And that's when I knew he had to die.

Anyway! Then there's Jef. Not "Jeff"...this guy? He doesn't conform to your bullshit standards about what names are supposed to have one "f" or two. Jef looks like a baby, and he LIKES THAT about himself. He knows that because of the way he dresses and acts, nobody takes him seriously...BUT THAT IS FINE WITH HIM, because he LIKES being underestimated, everybody. And he proves it by being the CEO of a bottled water company that sounds a lot like Ted's shoes but is about water that you can drink instead of ugly shoes you can wear. Jef also skateboards. And still looks like a baby doing it. A very rich, hip, skateboarding, non-conformist baby.

Cue in Arie, the "I'm just like the guy who died" race car driver guy, and then that's it with the "Hey, here's a look into the lives of the bachelors you may or may not get to know better later, depending on a very complex algorithm of chemistry and ratings."

Meet My Millionaires!
courtesy of blog.zap2it.comFinally it's time for Emily to meet the men. She's adorably nervous, but you probably wouldn't have been able to tell due to your head exploding over the amazing dress she was wearing. The guys come in and it's a lot of "You look amazing", "It's nice to meet you", "I'll see you inside", "I can't wait to inseminate you", blah blah blah.  Here's the highlights, with my notation of "#Top5" in hashtags to signify which guys are my Top 5 Fantasy Bachelorette Picks -

There were the usual antics, like how Jackson hit his knee and told Emily that "life was not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." Surprisingly, Emily did not pick up a nearby stone and smack him across the face with it. Then Tony came in with a pillow and glass slipper. Yawn. Stevie The Dancing Elf came in with a boom box because he wanted to make Emily smile. The cameras, thankfully, did not show Emily puking into the bushes, even though we all know that's what happened. Randy did the "I brought my Grandma" gag which was actually hilarious and creative, and Travis brought an ostrich egg, though I didn't pay attention to why he did that or what Emily said about it because it was fucking dumb. Chris brought a bobblehead of himself and one of Emily, so they could act out their feelings through dolls. I don't really feel the need to add my own commentary to that.

Then the helicopter comes. I, personally, was hoping it was Lou Ferrigno, coming to tell us and Emily that he gives a hundred and ten percent and that he's more than just the Hulk, he's also a motivational speaker and a driven person who, by the way, gives a hundred and ten percent. But alas, it was Kalen The Kraken, who didn't realize that by arriving on a helicopter, he would make a sworn enemy of Stevie The Dancing Elf, who obviously has something against helicopters and luxury brands. Despite his best efforts to arrive in a helicopter, Kalen does not get the First Impression Rose, proving once again that sometimes the producers of this show are not total assholes. 

And then there was Doug. Doug, according to my domestic partner, looks like a cross between Sven Svengaard and Cro Magnon. Doug also has a kid, you guys. And he REALLY wants to connect with Emily on this. So much so that, during one-on-one time, he showed Emily that he had his "kid" write her a note about how awesome "his dad" is. And won the First Impression Rose because of it, which was annoying for the fact that now we have to keep hearing about his kid.

Photo courtesy of buzzsugar.comThere's a guy named Alejandro and a guy named Alessandro (from Minneapolis!). Both make me think of Lady Gaga and hot candle wax, for some reason. Both of them are Latin. Both of them are handsome in their own way. Only one of them is a mushroom farmer, which is too bad for the one who is not, because as we all know, the ladies lose it for mushroom farmers. Thus, he is also a #Top5.

There's a guy, John, whose nickname is "Wolf." And yes, he's hot, even though HIS NICKNAME IS WOLF. #Top5

Jef, the baby CEO of water and charity stuff, chucked his skateboard into the bushes like a baby rebel and then strolled up to Emily, all cool and charming and confident, and suddenly he didn't look so much like a baby as the guy you have a huge crush on despite yourself. He is smooooth, this one. Before you can even blink, Emily's confessing to the camera that she hopes he doesn't think she's a nerd and that he likes her too. Oy. This game is over before it even started. #Top5

Michael, aka, Music Mike from Austin, aka Cut Your Damn Hair, is another #Top5 pick. Ryan is a Pro Sports Trainer and must have been the guy we saw earlier who took his shirt off. He's super cute. Totally Emily's type. Wrote some dumb note for Emily which was really just a ploy to flash a piece of paper that read YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL to all the girlfriends he left at home. #Top5

Arie meets Emily and Emily's like, "heeeey there" and things look good until they get some one-on-one time, when Arie decides to confide in her. He's worried that the fact that he races will bother her and drive them apart (get it? "DRIVE them apart." Hope you got that joke). Emily looks at him and is like, "Have you ever heard of The Google? Did you not do your research like the rest of the Americas?" Because if he had, he would know that Emily is a girl who likes boys who likes cars. "It's not that I'm worried that you're fast," Emily purrs, as she presses her body closer to his, her pert yet soft bosoms rising and falling faster with every beat of her heart, with each intake and release of her warm, sweet breath. "It's that I'm worried you're not fast enough." And then Arie cries out and ejaculates into his pants and the camera pans back to a group of guys talking about "the journey" again.

So then the rose ceremony begins and everyone make the cut except for singer/songwriter David, which is sad because I was kind of looking forward to referring to him as Douchebag David. Also eliminated from True Love Forevermore is this guy Brent, who has as many moles on his face as he has kids (6), marine biologist Jean-Paul, Black Lerone (two Latin guys are enough diversity, everybody. Let's not go crazy with the Equal Opportunity and force ABC reflect the outside world against its will), Grandma Guy, some guy I didn't even notice, and another guy who ends up taking his shirt off during the Camera Time of The Dumped and is like, "this is what you're missing, Emily." Or maybe the guy I didn't even notice and Dumped Chest guy are the same person. Who cares. They're/he's gone, as is their will to live and love again...

Then the preview for the season comes. There's some drams with a faceless guy insinuating that Emily has baggage because she has a kid, only someone says takes it to mean that Emily's kid *is* her baggage, and then it cuts to EMILY TELLING SOMEONE TO GET THE FUCK OUT!!! Then there's a lot of kissing and castles and beaches and Jef obviously wears skinny peach pants at some point during all of this.

Tune in next week (to the blog. This one. The one you're reading right now) and all season to get the extremely accurate and non-biased run-down on The Bachelorette: No She's Not Baby, She's Emily, Miss Maynard If You're Nasty![image error]

Things You Should Know When You Follow Me On Pinterest

1) I will never make even 10% of the crap I pin onto my "She's Crafty!" board. I think 100% of the projects are super neat, and and in my mind I like to think I'm the type of girl who can wield a glue gun and some yarn and make a project worthy of friend's "wow's" and maybe a local magazine spread, but I'm not. If you were to drive me to Michael's, find all the craft materials, buy them, take me to Starbucks and buy me a coffee, and then bring me back to your house to make me with them, I'd probably be game. But otherwise I mostly just pin them on that board to share them with you, so that you can make them for me as gifts to display in my home that I can smile mysteriously over - I'm not lying by not saying that I didn't make them and you did, right? - when people give me gushing compliments on how crafty and ingenious they are.

2) Same goes for the "Eat me" board. First of all, I'm not even supposed to consume sugar. Second, I'm still riding the wave of showing up to parties with decorative toothpicks stuck into a Totino's Party Pizza (it's pizza. For a party. It even says that in the name!). So pretty much the "Eat me" board is more of a dream board.

3) Same goes for the nail-painting ideas on my "So Stylistic" board. The last time I painted my nails was probably sometime back in 2008.

4) Even though I may pin stuff like wedding dresses, reception ideas, beautiful decorative cakes, or cool photo sessions, it doesn't mean that I'm using that stuff to plan my not-scheduled-as-of-yet wedding. Maybe I'm using it to plan your wedding!

5) You will know my inner dork heart by the photos of puppies and babies-dressed-up-like-piglets I pin with a practically auible "Aaaaawwwww! Cuuuuuuuuuute!" Yeah. I do that kind of stuff there. It's a safe, sharing place for me where those sorts of things are okay.

If you're alright with all of this, then let's be Pinterest friends. If you're not...well then, excuse me as I trot off to find more pictures of whale babies.[image error]

"Be the best plumber" is obviously the best one.

So awesome. [image error]

My president is better than yours.

Sheena Heikkila [via Zachariah Schaap][image error]

Or it's like this.

I write one page of masterpiece to ninety one pages of shit. I try to put the shit in the wastebasket.

- Ernest Hemingway (via been thinking)[image error]

This is the part that sucks.

Mulish writing. The kind where I slog over a paragraph all afternoon, trying to get it just right, and then finally have to give up the ghost as the outside light moves into the evening...because it's not even an important part of the story, that paragraph. So I trot forward, then find myself slowly creeping back to it, because even though it's not all that important, it should still be good, and this...this is not good.

This is the kind of writing that's exhausting. And not entirely productive. And as I finally give myself a break and permission to check Pinterest, I suddenly remember that this was what the writing of HOLIDAY CHICK felt like. Some of it was fun...but I forgot how much of it was like inner-flogging. I know the important part is that I show up to do it every day, and do it, and even if it's mulish writing it's still writing, but goddamn... This is probably why a lot of writers drink.