Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 58

Happy Father's Day to two of my all-time favorite fathers.

 This one -

And this one.
Yes, those are matching Father/Son shirts.
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Keep Writing.

Fuck YEAH she is!

I stuck up for Melissa the other day on Twitter. And then she followed me. And I am totally okay with being super excited about this. It's not even a #humblebrag, bitches! You guys have no idea how much I loves me some Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Except for Theresa. But only because it's hard to love crazy.

Now if I can just get Caroline Manzo to listen to every word I have to say...then it's the big time, kids! I'll be in it, you'll be in it with me...and I'll start wearing big hats! To the store! And sunglasses...and I'll do that thing where I look absolutely perfect and flawless for a late morning run to Starbucks, and people will write articles about how they used to know me back when I was a waitress at the G-Spot, and I'll be like "that was a long time ago" and US Weekly will run covers with my face on them with the headline "WHAT IS SHE HIDING" and then it will come out that I'm actually just a really sweet girl who wasn't ready for fame (even though I totally was) and that everyone should just give me another chance already, and oh yeah, why don't you throw in a triple-million-dollar-contract job hosting the next awesome TV show while you're at it?

And you can all say that it all started right here.[image error]

'The Bachelorette' recap: What Light Through Yon Window Breaks? It's Emily, Y'all!

This week on The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter, we're all going to LON-DON TOWWWN! Cheers, mate! Hope you have a jolly good time, then! Eat some fish and chips and go put your trainers in the boot of your lorrie, yeah!

Quote of the night, from Real Housewife Ryan, as he revels over how romantic London is: What an unbelievable backdrop for her to continue a relationship with me.

This guy. I mean...there are just no words.

More amazingly deep thoughts after the jump.



London's callin', and you know what? I'ma gonna answer it.

The first one-on-one date is with Dark Horse Sean. The theme of the date is "Love takes no prisoners", which, for anyone who knows anything about London, obviously has something to do with the Tower of London! Carmen Sandiego, I'm going to WIN YOU YET!

But first, a deeply insightful conversation is had by Jef With One F, Arie, and Kalon The Kracken. They're talking about the state of the world as it stands today...what's really going on in the middle east, you guys? How about that War on Women? Where do you stand when it comes to our debt ceiling? Oh yeah, and how about them group dates vs. one-on-one dates?

The hardest thing of all of this, according to Kracken, is not that this is a fantasy scenario that tries to make everyone believe that it's for keeps, or that Emily might be developing real feelings for other guys, or that, when he doesn't get a one-on-one card, that it means he's missing out on time to actually get to know Emily more...no. It's that he "does not have control over the scenario." That "things are not working out" as he planned. And when it comes to group dates, he decides to drop a bomb of knowledge on Jef and Arie with this insightful message:

"You've gotta realize that, if you end up with her, pretty much every date is going to be a group date...it's going to you, Emily, and Ricky."

Which, to be fair...is true. He's not wrong, per say, but it's the way that he says it - aka, the way he says everything - which makes everyone want to punch him in the face. Kalon doesn't care about nurturing a relationship with Emily, or fitting into her life, or even getting to know her better. He cares about luxury goods, and fantasy dates, and being catered to while on private helicopters. OH MY GOD I JUST HATE THIS GUY. With his smug, oily face and his pretentious smirks and his weird body that does not say "man hot" at all, but "I'm a spoiled little boy trapped in a tall skinny body, please take me to a fancy restaurant so I can show off my exquisite table manners" priss. He's the kind of guy that you want to drop into the middle of a volcano. And I don't know why, exactly, but for some reason the visual of watching him being pushed out of a (private, chartered) helicopter to fall, screaming and flailing, into the opening of a live volcano is just really comforting and soothing to me.

So anyway, back to the date. Emily and Sean get deep...about good girls and good guys. Good guys that are hard to come by. And not only that, folks, but good guys that you actually...like, you know? For instance, guys who look like Sean are usually boring. But he's not boring, you know? He's the opposite of boring. Which is then proved when Emily and Sean go to "Speaker's Corner" or, as it shall be named henceforth, "Lover's Corner." Sean gets up on the soapbox and speaks about love. A crowd gathers, Emily gets wet, and the world tries to unbury themselves under the mountain of cheeseballs that has just erupted from their televisions.


Then it's dinna time! In the Tower of London, of course, because I told you it would be. They talk about a bunch of boring stuff, I start zoning out to old episodes of "Dukes of Hazard", and then am jolted back to reality when the scene goes back to the boys and the next group date card arrives. It says, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." The boys are in a quandry...what the hell does that mean? A rose by another other name...hmmm...would smell....what?...as sweet? Why? How? Is this some scientific journey they are to embark on? Finally Arie pipes up that he thinks it's Shakespere. The other guys are doubtful, though...I mean, c'mon. Shakespere? In London? That doesn't make any sense at all! But as one guy - I think it was Wolf - points out, of course they didn't know it...they're a bunch of macho dumbasses!

And pan to Kalon, sitting in his chair, thinking pretentious thoughts to himself. He hopes - and assumes - that the one-on-one date in London will be his. Because he is not really enjoying these group dates. But surprise! He's on the group date. Cue, from stage left, sullen Kalon! A rose by any other name? He doth think not. He doth think this rose smelleth like shiteth.

Back to the tower where Emily brings up kids again. Sean gets the date rose because he's okay with banging it enough to make two, three, even six kids with Emily. And granted, Sean is possibly the most perfect choice for Emily. He's a handsome down-home Southern boy with family values and a six pack of abs...and he looks like an AAAAAH-maaazing kisser.

What Light Through Yon Window Breaks? It's Emily, Y'all!

The group date arrives and these idiots are STILL puzzling over the "rose by any other name" quandary. Emily is losing her voice, but announces that they're at Stratford-upon-Avon and that the boys will be performing scenes from Shakespere's Romeo & Juliet. And surprise! Most of the boys hate acting. Except for Kalon though...like any douchebag would, he, for one, is taking this extremely seriously.
via toptenreasonstolovethebachelor.blogspot.comWe get to see Travis actually be funny, which is cute, and Ryan and Kalon preen over being Romeos in the play. Kalon's performance today is extremely important. Not as important as being charming or polite, though, because when Emily comes over to see how they're doing, Kalon tells her to "run along", that they need to get back to rehearsals. Emily gives him the BEST DEATH LOOK ever, and he just smiles, like he's being adorable. And cue volcano fantasy, his shrieks for help, his face being engulfed by hot lava....

And then...SUPER TWIST THAT WE ALL SAW COMING! The boys are performing live in front of an audience.

So it happens, Kalon sucks, Arie is hilarious, Ryan is a creeper. The End.

Emily wants to go West Virginia hood-rat backwoods on your ass!

It's pub time! During one-on-ones, Emily gets kissed by a lamrey again -
Aka, Arie Ryan gives her a necklace and tells her that he's taking a real approach to this, so somebody give him a trophy already, and poor, poor Kalon is left to sit alone with the group and pout, because the only thing Kalon has to look forward to is talking to an exhausted, sick mother with a child waiting on her.

Yeah. He said that.

So then it comes out that Kalon has referred to Ricky as part of Emily's baggage. Arie is pissed off, but doesn't really do anything about it. Parent Expert Doug takes it personally - what if someone called his son Austin baggage? It might come to serious words and he might throw him on the floor! - Ryan makes a hilarious statement about knowing that he himself is here for the right reason so he's not worried about other folks (HAHAHAHAHA!), and they all get up in arms and decide to confront Kalon. Kalon announces that he is not going to apologize for it or retract it, though he does admit that "baggage" has a negative connotation...what he means is responsiblity. Except that he didn't say that. He said "baggage."

This is what a douchebag looks like.
 Doug, sensing a beautiful opportunity, goes and tells Emily. Emily is LIVID. She wants to tear off Kalon's limb and beat him with them! She wants to go West Virgina hood-rat backwoods on his ass! She wants to scream at him to get some Biore strips and be gone from her sight! 

Oh wait. That last one was from me. Sorry.

So then the best thing ever happens - Parent Expert Doug takes control of the situation and asks everyone in the room to just sit down for a moment, and then breaks down the situation. Like a fucking camp counselor, this one. Emily confronts Kalon, Kalon tries to hold his ground, and Emily starts to lose it. "I love to hear you talk, but not until I'm done...I got that line from you." OH MY GOD KALON YOU JUST GOT SERVED! She asks him if there was anything he could say to prove that he didn't say that. He says no, and Emily tells him to get the fuck out. 

IT WAS THE BEST MOMENT EVER.

Kalon, in his "I just got drop-kicked out of here" confessional, states that he thinks Emily is looking for a partner. Like it's the hardest, more unrealistic expectation ever. Bye-bye, Kalon! It restores some of my faith in this show, knowing that Kalon didn't get even remotely an over-the-top date out of Emily.

Justice, like Kalon, just got served.

Emily, for her part, is feeling beaten up and confused. How could she have such bad judgement in guys? How come none of the guys spoke up sooner? Why didn't anyone back her up when she was telling Kalon to get the fuck out? So she decides not to give out a rose on the group date, since most of her trust in all the guys has been shaken. BOOM, Parent Expert Doug. Guess you don't get the camp counselor award this time.

When Jef With One F Smiles, The Entire World Sighs

Emily and Jef With One F embark on their one-on-one date. Or, one-on-one date with each other and a Miss Manners named Jean, who instructs them on how to hold a proper tea. Jean does not know when to shut up, which leads to some hilarious moments with Emily and Jef. All they want is some alone time with each other, but who can start the banging process with this etiquette broad hanging around and yapping about jam? The best part was when Emily, talking to the camera and looking desperate, confesses, "I thought this would be fun, but now I just want to get the hell out of here."



So they escape, head to a pub, and rap about what went down last night. Jef is like, "I would have had your back, yo" and Emily's like, "I need somebody to be a gentleman in the streets but a thug in the sheets!" So then Emily shows up in pleather pants, a perm, and a leather jacket, and Jef throws off his Letterman jacket and does some hot dance moves, and then they jump onto a huge Ferris wheel and decide that they go to together like rama-lama-lama-kading-dee-dong, and that they'll always be as one, waaaoooo YEAH! Especially when they go to first base, which they totally do. FINALLY.

Another Boring Rose Ceremony

Emily decides to use her one-on-one time during the cocktail party to put the guys on the hot seat about whether or not they have her back. Most of the guys slip by that limo stick, but Arie sweats it and comes off as a pageant princess answering a question from Perez Hilton.

But Real Housewife Ryan doesn't have time for all that serious stuff! He just wants to have a good time and make Emily laugh...oh yeah, and show off some more, too! Also, WHAT THE FUCK was that guy WEARING?!

Was it a scarf? A weird collar? And most importantly...WHY?!Ryan does something super gross where he leads Emily to a room with a balcony and replays a scene from Romeo & Juliet as a ploy to kiss her again. Despite Emily's best judgement, she lets herself go along with it. After a whole episode of Emily talking about having bad judgement when it comes to guys, this is like...c'mon, Emily. Wise up.

Then it's time for sweet talkin' Sean. I like Sean, but sometimes he totally reminds me of those pastors who are the heads of those huge community churches that have rock bands perform worship music and write best-selling devotional books about tough biblical messages. Just say something real for once, Sean.

Emily hands out the roses, and makes Arie sweat it out to the end. Poor Alejandro gets the boot. The guy never even stood a chance! This is what I hate about this season - we didn't even get to see Alejandro say more than three sentences, and now he's gone. But cry not, mushroom farmer from San Franciso land...thy face will be thy salvation, and thee is surest to get laid by a multitude of comely wenches upon thy return to thy homeland. Farewell, thy handsome farmer!

So that's it. Next week they go to Croatia, and it looks like there's a lot of crying there.

Can't WAIT![image error]

Feel-good story of the day.

Sometimes, when I have to do a job I don't want to do, I get "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman in my head. And then I sing along to it either inside my head or at the top of my lungs, and then I cry a little bit, and then I feel better.[image error]

Progress. It's happening to all of us! Even Kevin.

A comment on this post led to the back story on a piece of the most delightful news I have ever gotten.

Kevin stopped wearing pleated pants. And here's why.

I remember the first time I met Kevin in person. I even blogged about it, for prosperity's sake. It was at Jason's birthday party, and I believe that our very first conversation involved me berating him for his choice in slacks. Mainly, his choice in pleated dress pants. This resulted in years of handy abuse material for me whenever he got out of line with his comments on here, Facebook, or Twitter. All I had to do was say, "Pleated pants" and his place? Right back in it. 

But now that time is over. And rather than be sad...I'm so, so happy. Our little boy is growing up, everybody! The boy who wore pleated pants is now a well-dressed man.

Congratulations, Kevin! Your pleatless pants are now a clear, smooth-silhouetted window to your soul.

Or something.

Sunrise, Sunset...[image error]

From Single To Insta-Family: A Disgusting Tale of True Love, Part 2

 So summer swept up...I spent mornings meditating on the dock, afternoons working and going out for walks and runs in the forest, and evenings writing and reading and star-gazing on the dock. It was, all at once, incredibly relaxing and incredibly jam-packed.

And kind of boring. And more than a little isolating.

When I would start to feel like a fundamentalist Mormon stuck on the compound, I would meet up with my old friend Adam for a happy hour or late night drink at the Angry Minnow. Adam was originally from Hayward, and we had been friends since I had first come to the area, back when I was twenty-one. He spent his winters down in Austin, TX, though, and only came up for the good seasons (summer and fall) to run the Wine Cave at The Pavilion (one of the coolest places in Hayward, and probably in all of Wisconsin). And while drinks or social outings with him were a spot of relief in the long string of sunny days at the cabin, it wasn't enough. I was starting to get bored...and as I knew from the last time I lived up there, when I get bored, nothing good seems to happen.

So I took a barista job at a little local coffeeshop called Mooselips. Like Mooselips, my position changed and morphed depending on the day or night - during the day, when it was a coffeeshop, I was a barista. During the night, when it morphed into a martini lounge and upscale eatery, I was either a hostess, waitress, or bartender. It was good for me, to be social again, and I started to meet a lot of really great people. I also started to find a lot of really great opportunities when it came to my work with social media and copywriting and other long-held dreams. Opportunities I didn't want to pass up.

So at the end of summer, I decided to move into the Adventure Loft with Adam, who was also staying through the fall and possibly the beginning on winter. Through Adam, I started to meet a lot of different and interesting people. I initially met Rugged Wilderness Outdoorsman (more on him later) earlier in the summer, but started running into him more often now that I was going out more around town. I also started to hang out with a group of friends who were closer to my and Adam's age. One of them was a guy I knew from parties back in the early days (for those of you in the know, the character of Johnny from Holiday Chick is loosely - emphasis on loosely - based on him).

Around this time, I started emailing fairly regularly (which, for me, means about once a week if we're all lucky) with the guy who friended me on Facebook after noticing my absence on OkCupid. His name was Chris. We began to trade emails back and forth about a film short he was working on - there was a role he thought I might be like to take on - and I spilled that I wasn't going to be moving home to Minneapolis quite just yet. His reaction made it clear that our Facebook friendship and email correspondence wasn't wholly friendship-based, but since we were at a sort of impasse, we just kept emailing and Facebooking each other. His emails were super funny and his Facebook stuff was all kinds of nerdy and fun, and once, after seeing a status update of mine that mentioned I wasn't feeling well, he sent me a slew of videos so I could be entertained while I was laid up in bed. And it was easy...I am the same way with emails as I am with my regular writing - I read it over about billion times to make sure every sentence reads exactly how I want it to (which is exhausting, and could be the main reason why I take so long to reply back to emails...my response has to be perfect!). But with Chris, there was this sense that I didn't have to do that. Whether it was because I didn't really think this was going anywhere (or at least, not for a while...like I said, I wasn't going to do that thing, anymore, where I was expected to drive down to the cities to meet up with some guy because he couldn't be bothered to find Hayward on a map. Not that I thought in the least that Chris was like that, but, based on past experience, I knew better than to expect a face-time resolution until I moved back down to the TC) or because he just had this knack of making me feel comfortable at ease, it was just...fun. And easy. And fun.

Unlike another romantic entanglement I was finding myself in. During the beginning of fall, I began sort-of seeing the guy I used to know from parties back in the day. He was all shades of devastatingly hot, and he was smart and funny and progressive-minded and kind. And while we had a really great time together, I was starting to see that he was definitely not the kind of partner I was trying to manifest when I did my Soulmate Secret stuff. He was the epitome of the great guy who is going to be really great either in five more years or with another girl. In this case, it happened to be another girl (which was kind of awesome, to tell the truth. They are definitely all shades of crazy for one another, and it was actually a pretty sweet end to everything).

And, as it happens, when one door closes, a window opens. This window just happened to be Rugged Wilderness Outdoorsman.

Everyone who knows me well knows that for YEARS I've been a total sucker for the rugged outdoor type. The whole manly-poet-living-off-the-land thing just totally takes me down, every. single. time. And this guy - I'll just use his name, Brad, since it's not secret - was that. Brad is a world-record-holding Musky fly fisherman (because why wouldn't he be, right?). He's about ten years older than I am, incredibly charming, wonderfully intelligent, and just a delight to be around. Since meeting him for the first time, he had stayed on my radar. Once I started working at Mooselips and moved into the town of Hayward, we started crossing paths a bit more, and it was just ridiculous, you guys: I am not the smooth and seductive type, especially when it comes to men. But I would see Brad in the room and would suddenly find myself walking by him and being all "Heeeeey Braaad..." in a low and husky voice as I sauntered by. Like Kathleen Turner had just entered my body and took over for me, knowing that I would never be able to seal the deal on my own.

On Halloween weekend, Brad hosted his annual Musky Ball at Boulder Lodge. Adam and I had already made plans to either go out that night at the Seeley Saloon or see what action was happening in Hayward. But the scene was boring and dead, so on a whim, we decided to drive out to the lodge for the Ball.

And it honestly turned out to be one of the funnest nights of my life. Boulder Lodge is this beautiful Northwoods hideaway, built out of pine and stone, and Brad had hired this amazing bluegrass stomping band to play, so the atmosphere for a glorious fall night was set, and it was definitely a party. And, for any single girls who love the rugged outdoor type, this is where you want to be - the lodge was packed with ridiculously handsome outdoorsman, young and old (I'm actually thinking of taking a group of women up there next fall for it...kind of like a guided adventure tour for the city woman who loves Northwoods outdoorsmen. Email me if you'd like to sign up). There were tons of friends there, new and old, and everyone was drinking and dancing (a lot, on both counts). And then, of course, there was Brad.

The night kind of swooned into a blur of dancing and flirting and "hey, we should go out sometime." The very next day, he emailed me to see if I would like to go out together sometime. I was getting closer, you guys! I seriously sat up in bed (I was not feeling well the next day...must have been the flu, yeah?) and thought to myself that even if Brad turned out to not be the person I was looking for, this type of behavior was exactly the kind of thing that I was looking to attract, and so that was totally something, right? Progress! It feels so good when it happens...

And it seemed perfect. I remembered, with perfect clarity, making jokes with my friend Dave earlier that summer about my hermit existence up north and him ribbing me about how I would probably meet a rugged outdoorsman and never come back home again. And I mean, c'mon. Me, the total sucker for the type, and then suddenly there he is, and not only do we have this ridiculous chemistry, but he's actually smart and interesting and swoon-worthy with the way he just goes after what he wants? I wasn't making any declarative statements just yet, but if I had been a betting woman, I would've been (albeit slowly) sliding my chips to the winning spot on this one.

As it happens, though, that very same week I also got an email from Chris, asking if he could come up to Hayward to take me out on a date. 

And that's the end of Part II. Look for Part III, coming soon to a blog (this blog. The one you're reading right now. This one) near you!

<-- Part I

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Urban Assault Ride!

Shocking news: I'm more of what you'd call an "indoor girl." I have my moments when it comes to running, swimming, and cycling, and I like to get out as much as I can for hikes, leisure rides, and the occasional run (or if I'm pretending to be chased in a "Oh no, the Vikings are raiding our shores and the one that looks like Chris Helmsworth is chasing me so he can kidnap me and take me back to Norway and force me to be his wife!" type-scenario)...etc, but if I asked my friends to come up with three words to describe me, "athletic" probably wouldn't be one of them.

Yet it's not a far stretch for me to say that a sporting event changed my life. About two and a half years ago, I went to Madison to watch my friend Dave wreck the swim, bike, and run challenge that defines the pinnacle of human speed and endurance: The Ironman. I will never forget the (ridiculously early) morning of the race - being up before dawn, the capital square dark and quiet as competitors stretched, race organizers got set up, and spectators packed into the Starbucks on the corner to gain Venti-sized coffees.

And then there was the start of the race, when families and friends crowded on the bank as the sun came up and a gust of wind literally came off the racers as they started their swim. I remember standing next to my friend Sonia, watching what looked like a mass of a thousand black birds flapping their wings in the water, and thinking that I would really love to be a part of more adventures like this. The swell of human athleticism matched with a bewildering challenge brought out this certain euphoria... In everyone. I told myself that I wanted to find a way to do more of this, what that morning had felt like,although I had no idea how, or even what to do to go about finding out how.

Two months later, on the same day that I walked away from a ten-year career in behavior therapy that was making me miserable, I was asked to join Groucho Sports Supply, a sports apparel start-up that this guy Jeff had started and that Dave had become a partner in after the Ironman. I gave an enthusiastic "fuck YES" and haven't looked back since.

Miracles, kids. And it all started with one sporting event.

Since becoming a partner in Groucho, I've had the luck to learn more about a lot of awesome rides, races, and adventure events for runners and cyclists. And adventure events are my favorite, because...well, obviously. On June 10th, one of the coolest is coming to Minneapolis - The Urban Assault Ride.

The  Urban Assault Ride™ combines the best parts of a bike race, adventure race, obstacle course, and a back yard party.

Here's how it works: You and your teammate will set out on a city-wide quest for 'checkpoints' on your favorite two-wheeled steeds.  At each checkpoint, you'll drop your bikes and complete a funky/adventurous obstacle course, then remount your bikes and hit the streets for more.
The goal is to complete all the checkpoints in the shortest amount of time. You choose your own route and checkpoint order. This means that the most clever are often the victors. Of course, it may also help if you can pull a mean big-wheel powerslide and fly across an inflatable slip-n-slide ;)
After your pedal-powered adventure, your team will cross the finish line and enter a massive celebration of bikes and beer. The after party is just as much fun as the ride itself, thanks to the craziest raffle prize contest you'll ever experience.

Most participants do the UAR just for fun (it's not the most competitive event out there). Everybody loves the obstacles (which change every year). Many participants walk home with awesome prizes either from their performance in the ride or from winning one of the after party contests.
It's a blast for buddies, couples, families, triathletes, runners, craft beer drinkers, mustache lovers, good music afficiandos, and people looking to experience one helluva celebration of BEER, BIKES, and BIG WHEELS!

 I love this one because they even say it themselves - even if you're not a huge athlete, like me, you can still score with this one. And obstacles like big-wheel powerslides and slip-n-slides. And why don't more races offer celebrations of beer after the finish line?!

While I can't participate due to a prior obligation (people get married in the summer. On weekends. I don't know if you guys knew that? But it happens. And usually on weekends when other stuff is happening), I do have a special in for anyone who wants to get a team together (it's 2 person teams only, but you can do a co-ed team, a female team, a male team, or even a family team (a parent and a child, but the child must be between the ages of 12-7) and rip that shit up. To sign up, head over here, and enter in the code MSP12Amber10off when you register. 

And, if you happen to be reading this from Austin, Fort Collins, Denver, Des Moines, or Chicago, the same goes to you - Urban Assault Rides are coming to your town later in the summer, but you can sign up and use the code now.  

And! Urban Assault is always looking for rad volunteers to help out with the event. If you're like me and like to know what you're getting into, this is a great chance to learn the course and event details up close so you can rally and conquer next year. Head over here to learn more about volunteer opportunities.   [image error]

'The Bachelorette" Recap: Bermuda, Bahama, Emily's a Mama

Last night on The Bachelorette: The crew "scooted" to Bermuda, Parent Expert Doug made me puke again, Head Trauma Charlie cried a bunch, some guy we've never seen before got dumped during dinner in a cave, and I could totally win a million dollars from my Bachelor-watching predictions (related: Real Housewife Ryan is a total douchecanoe)

Find out more about The Journey after the jump.



Bermuda has Emily written all over it

So the crew - including Emily's daughter, Ricky...did you know that she has a daughter? Because she does - head to Bermuda for the start of their "world travels." Because that's a thing now - not only do you get to go on super elaborate dates, but now you also get to travel the world! And we're still getting pissed about people who are "not here for the right reasons"?! Dudes, we just should start to assume that no one is here for the right reasons. If we really wanna find out who's willing to stick it out for the Bachelor/ette of choice, we should send them all on dates to Walmart and Costco and town-wide garage sales and then see if the sparks happen there. Because I don't know about you guys, but I could pretend to like almost anyone for a couple of fantasy dates and some free trips around the world.

Which makes me sound like I might be in possession of a poor moral code. Oh well! You're spared this time, Bachelor franchise. But if this life partnership with Chris doesn't work out...I'm getting my hair highlighted, my nails done, my boobs lifted, and I'll be coming for you.

So, anyway, the guys arrive in Bermuda and "scoot" up to their digs...on scooters (yeah, I know. A whole crew of totally buff and handsome guys made to look like total assholes by riding on matching scooters all at the same time. I get a feeling that the editors of this show like NO ONE when it comes to the men). The one-on-one date card arrives. Ari opens it and makes a joke that it's for him again, which makes Parent Expert Doug SO PISSED! Like seriously, the camera panned to the group and Doug's expression was all like, "You know, I'm a father, and when you have a child, you don't joke around like that."

But the card ended up being for him, which was nice, because I feel like we just don't get enough chances to see him pretend to be humble about stuff. And then freak out about the fact that if the date doesn't go well, he has to go home! The guys start giving him a bunch of crap about how nervous he is and how much he's building it all up, and Doug starts to lose it. Arie keeps pushing, and Doug stands up and calls him bro and then! Emily walks in, everyone pretends that everything's normal and Doug puts on this "Everything is great" act which is kind of scary in and of itself...it kind of reminds you of that abusive step-dad who just got done telling you he would kill you in your sleep if you didn't shape up, but then ruffles your hair and calls you 'sport' when your mom suddenly gets home from work. We should write a Lifetime movie about Parent Expert Doug. We could call it "Would You Like To Meet My Son?" about a single dad who uses his young son to lure women in and then bludgeons them to death with a whiffle bat.

So anyway, Doug and Emily take off for their date, and Arie makes a really bad Hulk joke and we decide that maybe we don't like Arie all that much anymore.

Doug Just Likes Island Towns a LOT

So, according to Emily, this is what (boring) married couples would do while in Bermuda - go shopping at boring glass shops and perfumeries. Forget the sparkling water and sandy beaches, the fantastic tropical bars, and all that other "adventure" stuff like scuba-diving or sailing! Let's go shopping at totally boring shops that we could easily find at home!

via digitalspy.com Later on during the date, Doug lies about how, when Emily walked into the boy's lodging earlier, he had just finished "totally schooling the boys" (being honest on a date is apparently not a requisite to being a Parent Expert). Emily pulls out a postcard and suggests that they write Doug's son together. This is totally sweet and is something only a mom would think of, but there's also a part of me that wants to shake and holler at Emily for doing this, because she obviously can't see that Doug loves to use his role as a parent as a tactic to bond with her. Austin is probably a spoiled little brat who was put up to writing that letter to Emily about how great his dad is, if he even wrote that letter at all (because really...who out there believes that a 7-year-old just sat down all on his own to write some strange woman a letter about how great his dad is? Oh wait, that happened in Sleepless In Seattle. Nevermind, that's totally realistic, then.)

Dinner time! Doug talks about his son some more. Emily confides to the camera that she feels like there's something that he's hiding from her. So at dinner she asks him what his last ex-girlfriend would say about him. He replies that she would probably say that he spends too much time with his son. And this is where I get super annoyed with Emily, because she spins that to mean that "he's too good of a dad", instead of realizing that what it's really referring to is that he uses his son as a way to be selfish. The "It's all about me and my son" thing that single dads something do doesn't necessarily mean that they're great dads...it can often mean that they've just found a really great excuse for bragging about themselves and wriggling out of commitments and sacrifices when it comes to people other than his child.

But Doug is just a guy. He wants you to know that he's not a genius, he's not a dummie, he's not wealthy, he's not poor...he's just a guy, you know? He's just a guy, you guys. Just a guy. And when you have to say that over and over about yourself, it means that you really don't think you're "just a guy." That's like celebrities declaring that they're just regular, everyday people. They really don't believe it, but it sounds good, so they're hoping you will.

Then the "when should I kiss Emily?" dinner dilemma comes up, and Dough begins to talk in the third person - "If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know she wants a kiss."

And it was at that moment...that I knew...that I truly hated him.

Tears On The Loser Bus Are The Bitterest Tears of All.
via latimes.com The group date involves a-sailing. Which, by the way, Kalon The Kraken is certainly excited for...to hit the high seas (you know, the bay of Bermuda), cruise on a sailboat, get some good sun...it's his element. #facepunch

So they all learn how to operate a sailboat, and then WHOA, PLOT TWIST! The guys are going to split up into two teams and compete for more time with Emily later that night. This has never happened before, you guys. Except, oh yeah, that one time on The Bachelor: Ben Doesn't Have a Dad, when the girls competed in a softball game and the losers all cried on the bus home. 

Which is actually kind of hilarious, because I reminded Chris of that when we got to this part, and then made some crack about Head Trauma Charlie losing and crying on the way home...and then it actually happened.

The team with Real Housewife Ryan, Arie, Jef With One F, and Kalon The Kracken won. The team with Sean, Head Trauma Charlie, Lumpy Space Princess Chris (I call him that now because he literally has the same voice as LSP from Adventure Time), and Ostrich Egg Travis lost and were booted back to the house. And Head Trauma Charlie actually bawls - face buried in his arms - on the way home, because he's "so embarrassed" that they didn't do better. And I wanna make fun of the guy, but...c'mon. He's so tenderhearted...and he's had a head trauma. Poor Charlie. Poor, poor, Crying Charlie...

Then it's romantic time on the beach with winners! Real Housewife Ryan toasts to "a fun day of racing and a beautiful, possible trophy wife." HAHAHA! You're an asshole, Ryan. Arie and Emily go down to the beach, and they're super cute at first, and then...Arie kisses her. And it's gross. The guy starts kissing like this. He does weird things with his mouth and it's uncomfortable for everyone watching. What are you doing with your mouth, Arie?! And why? Why are you kissing like that? Stop it. Stop it right NOW!

via examiner.com Jef With One F takes Emily down to a campfire on the beach and tells Emily that she likes her. It felt a lot like middle school, where the guy you have a crush on finally tells you that he likes hanging out with you. It's fun. And he likes you, and when he hangs out with you, he wants to hang out with you even more. And the way they were sitting - with Emily sitting higher up than him, him staring up at her with that baby face - it kind of felt like he was saying this to his best friend's older sister. Kinda weird. Kinda gross. There was some serious "maybe we should wrestle with our tongues" eye contact, but instead he suggests that they head back. BECAUSE HE TOTALLY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING. Nice work, Jef With One F. Emily is now dying for you to kiss her. Emily, one of the most beautiful women in all of the Americas, is now aching for your baby-faced tongue to glide softly over hers in a moment of passion. And preferably while Boyz II Men plays in the background somewhere. Although that's my middle school fantasy, not hers...

Real Housewife Ryan would like to state, for the record, that he is not here to impress Emily, but to make an impression on her. Emily calls him out on some of the things that have come out of his mouth, and tests him a little bit more on the whole weight thing. She appears to really want to know if he will still love her if she just happens to put on a little bit of weight...like, say, when she has a bunch of babies. But the thing is, we all know the answer to this question, including Emily...she's the just the only one who doesn't want to believe it. Ryan believes that God designed Emily to be a beautiful woman. "So be a beautiful woman," he says. Which is the perfect opportunity for him to launch into a sermon about how she has been given a great responsibility, and she should be using this opportunity to really impact tons of people and young ladies in terms of how she responds to men and how she treats them and herself. For example, when it comes to her kissing other men that are not Ryan. Emily confides to the camera that she feels like she's being held to a double standard - if it were a Bachelor, no one would have an issue with him kissing everyone -  and that she feels like Ryan is judging her. Maybe because he is?

The date ends with Emily giving Jef With One F another group date rose. Jef confides to the camera that he thinks he's falling for her...only the way he says it - looking down at his lap and then looking up again - makes me think he's lying.

Ryan says some more douchebag things about Jef getting the rose instead of him, fireworks go off, The End.

2-on-1 Date. Which Is Not As Much Fun As It Sounds.

Then it's time for Emily's date with "Wolf" and...a PA? Chris Harrison's assistant? Some tourist who wandered onto the set? Who is that guy? Have we seen him before? More research turns up that his name is Nate, and that he's been here the whole time! Who knew?!

The date begins. Nate wants the rose because he likes Emily. Wolf wants the rose because all of his friends are getting married, so he figured that he probably should, too. Nate, Emily, and Wolf then get on a big boat and head out to a cliff to do some cliff diving into the water. 

And THEN! The boys back in the house get into a heated ageism debate. LSP Chris gets all pissy because Parent Expert Doug and Real Housewife Ryan keep saying that older means better, 30 is Flirty, 35 Means You're Alive, and fuck everyone who's still in their twenties because they don't know jack shit, and they should all just go home already! Doug is like, "Step off, KID" and Chris is like, "You're RIDICULOUS" and everyone else is like, "Why are we sitting in a living room when we're on a free trip to BERMUDA?" And then we go back to the date, Emily takes off her bikini cover-up, the entire nation of America ejaculates into their pants, and we go to commercial.

via tvrecaps.comBack to the date: Wolf, Emily, and Nate have an extremely awkward dinner date in a cave filled with stalactites, Emily dumps Nate, and that's that.

A Very Sophisticated Pantsuit Does The Talking Tonight, Boys!


Two things: For the cocktail party, Emily wears a sophisticated white pantsuit, some really ugly plastic white necklace, and a ponytail hair piece. The entire ensemble makes me think that she's going to break out into a rendition of Madonna's "Express Yourself" video like they did on Glee.

via realstylenetwork.com The cocktail party also happens to take place in probably the ugliest house I've ever seen. Nobody else notices, though, because everyone's minds are exploding from MY AMAZING BACHELOR PREDICTION SKILLZ! Real Housewife Ryan drops a bomb to Musical Michael that he thinks Emily has a lot of really great potential, but he feels he's called for something...bigger.

Something bigger as in...being the next Bachelor.

via article.wn.com The fuckin' douche spills it! ALL of it! He's just doing his "due diligence" at this point, because "even though you're at the center of attention, it doesn't necessarily make you worthy."? (God, the platitudes from this guy! I'm going to write an entire book entitled, "Real Housewife Ryan Lays It Down: If You Ain't Cheatin', You Ain't Tryin'!"). His plan is to "go back home, get involved with the media back there, and say, 'Let's do Bachelor Ryan.'" Quote: "Isn't it great whenever you're able to use a position like this?" Because if Ryan were the Bachelor, everybody, he would be able to open his heart up, and "it would be neat for everyone to see."

BOOM! I TOTALLY FUCKING CALLED IT! WHEN EMILY WENT ON JIMMY KIMMEL AND HE ASKED HER IF THERE WAS SOMEONE WHO CAME ON THE SHOW JUST TO GET KICKED OFF AND BECOME A CANDIDATE FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR, SHE SAID OH YEAH, DEFINITELY, AND I TOLD EVERYONE IT WAS RYAN.

I win at the game of life.

And The Bachelorette.

via realitytvmagazine.comLumpy Space Princess Chris whines to Emily about the agism that Doug is putting on him. And he is not going to stand for that, Emily and Everybody! He keeps talking about how it's not how old you are, it's about the experiences you have...wait, no, it's not about the experiences you have, it's what you do with those experiences. I don't remember, because he switches it all the time. And then he loses it and confronts Parent Expert Doug. Because Doug and Ryan are threatened by him, obviously...that's the only reason why you confront people, right? If they're threatened by you. Doug, to his credit, actually handles himself like an adult, unlike Chris, who totally drowns in bullshit bravado, saying stuff like, "I"m a grown-ass man" and "I just wanna let you know that I'm never gonna back down from you." The only credible thing that Chris does say is that he doesn't believe Doug half the time - that he's "over-the-top humble", and Chris doesn't believe it - he thinks Doug's hiding something.

 There seems to be a recurring theme here.

Let's Rap It Out With Chris Harrison and Roses

Emily sits down to talk it all out with Chris Harrison. This is boring, except for the part where Emily states that she knows a few guys thinks they're pulling on over on her, but they ain't. Then she mentions Ryan specifically, and his manipulation. And then Chris puts his hands over his face and giggles like a gleeful 5-year-old, because he has a secret and he can't tell her because then it won't be a secret anymore!

The Rose Ceremony begins, Emily hands out the roses, and Crying Charlie and Musical Michael go home. Which saddens me. Crying Charlie honestly didn't have a chance, but the guy was delightful when among the boys. Musical Michael was one of my top picks, but he totally let himself get pushed to the background. And he blew it by walking away without telling Emily what Ryan told him about gunning to be the next Bachelor, so that makes him an asshole by association.

The dumped guys leave, and everyone else finds out they're going to London next. Champagne glasses are raised, Emily smiles, and somewhere, in a transportation vehicle made for multiple people, Crying Charlie weeps softly...for himself, for the sorrow of lost victory, and for all those who have had to cry in buses and SUV's before him.

Cry, Charlie, cry...bye-bye, Charlie, bye...cry, Charlie, cry...goodbye, Charlie...goodbye...


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Aaaand let's do free shipping on the last signed copy of ...

Aaaand let's do free shipping on the last signed copy of Holiday Chick I've got in stock. I don't know when I'll have more - we're doing some revisions for the 3rd edition - so grab this one up. First come, first get. And then it's sold out. Like dates with your mom.