Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 59
June 1, 2012
Happy Friday, kids.
To celebrate my Book Birthday Month (Holiday Chick came out in June of 2010, and in only 24 days, All The Things You Never Even Knew will be a tangible reality. I'm so excited! I'm so scared... #jessiespano4eva), I'm adding FREE SHIPPING today and tomorrow to the already super-sweet pre-sale deal on All The Things You Never Even Knew!
May 30, 2012
From Single To Insta-Family: A Disgusting Tale of True Love, Part 1
Here's a fact of life that continues to amaze, shock, and delight the hell out of me: When you're brave enough to release your truth to the world, you give others the courage and the permission to be cool with their own truth. It's an awesome cycle. And it's one that I want to perpetuate, right now and all the time.
So we're gonna get down to business when it comes to the beginning of the story, so that we can get closer to the present and then roll with this crazy-making new world I've found myself in.
***
You know those people who say, "True love will find you when you least expect it!"? Or "The minute you stop looking for someone, you'll find them"?
Those people can go fuck themselves.
Let me explain...
Last summer I did the Bon Iver thing and moved northwards to a cabin in the woods to better concentrate on My Art (it sounds so important, when I capitalize it like that, doesn't it?). After a particularly exciting yet exhausting year, the thought of sort of running away to write (and swim in the lake in the morning and take long walks in the woods in the afternoon and meditate on the dock at sunset and read by the fire late into night) sounded like the most amazing idea I'd had in a long time.
Now, I knew that by moving to the middle of the forest, I would be essentially staring down the barrel of a sexless summer. Which was not the most attractive prospect ever, but maybe it was good for me, right? After a couple of extremely dramatic pairings that year, a break sounded good. Healthy, even. Also, I really had to work on this fucking book, and I couldn't seem to satisfactorily accomplish that while being swept up in the social swirl of Minneapolis.
So anyway, to sum up, I ran away to the woods like a pretentious douchebag and even though I knew I probably wasn't going to get laid all summer long, I figured it was okay because I'd already gotten laid a lot the year before.
Good? Okay! Let's move on.
A lot of what I wanted to do that summer was deepen my study and practice of meditation. This could be a whole other story for another day, but the year before I sort of gave myself permission to build out my spiritual life by digging into stuff I had a long-held curiosity about - meditation, the law of attraction, metaphysics, etc (you know, stuff that too-cool people like me usually associate with crystal prism necklaces and long flowy skirts and gross cereal from Good Earth). And the moment I started plugging into that stuff, miracles started to happen. Real, actual, tangible miracles. And the mental and spiritual growth stuff...like, wow. But the effects of that kind of practice wasn't what I loved most about it - it was the act of it. I loved the study of it. Just taking time for it every day felt...good. Joyful. Like both my body and mind were humming along together, both vibrant and thriving. And I love writing, and I really do feel that it's my purpose in this life to write, but this...this made me so happy.
So it seemed to be a gathering of forces when a Cyber Dating Sidekick client of mine wrote to me about how she had read The Soulmate Secret by Arielle Ford, and asked me to read it while we were working together. I had already heard of the book by listening to podcasts that featured Jack Canfield, an author I really dig (you may know him from Chicken Soup For The Soul, the ridiculously huge empire of books that I still haven't touched. I know him from The Success Principles and the awesomest audio series with the corniest title, Maximum Confidence: 10 Steps to Extreme Self-Esteem), who used to be one of Arielle's clients back when she was a book publicist. He spoke very highly of the book, which piqued my interest. But, initially, the book...it sounded pretty cheesy. While I get pretty jazzed about meditation and spirituality and intentional thinking because I know what those things can do, I'm still that girl who sometimes cringes at the casing. Why we gotta put flowers on everything, kids? What's up with the books covers of sunsets and tree canopies? Doesn't anyone else get tired of wind chimes and flutes? Why can't we just be cool about this stuff?
Also, buying a book called The Soulmate Secretwhen I'm known for my disasterous dates and angsty-type relationship writing kind of felt like being 50 pounds overweight and picking up a copy of 10 Pounds in 10 Days by Jackie Warner. Glad you're keeping your chin up, kid, but let's chat about this thing called reality. But three facts convinced me to at least give it a shot: First, if a client asked me to do it because she felt it would help me serve her better when it came to her online dating endeavors, I couldn't really say no, right? Second, I had to admit that Arielle's premise for the book was true - if we use meditation and intentional thinking for other areas of our lives - career, life purpose, etc - and see results, why can't the same be true for our romantic life? Why can't our search for our life partner be just as spiritual as anything else? After all, we do call it a soulmate...isn't kind of defeating the purpose of trying to find a soulmate if we're not getting down with our soul to find them?
And third, it was perfect timing. I had a whole summer ahead of me, a blank slate of a season. A lot of what the book talks about is clearing out space - head space, emotional space, physical space - to make room for the person you want to bring into your life, and lot of that is a process. And if you're serious about finding your soulmate, Arielle wrote, then you have to get serious about it. Telling the universe that you wanted to find the perfect person for you and then going out and dating a bunch of "he's okay" guys sends mixed signals to the universe/God/your inner intentions, and when you're sending out mixed signals, you're going to get mixed results.
And since I was living in a cabin in the middle of the woods and planning on dating no one, I could hardly fail at that part.
So I dug in. And found, to my surprise and delight, that the book was fun. You do all these different, fun rituals that help you release emotional energy from your exes or prepare you mentally for someone new or help you get clear on what it is that you really want. That was the part that was radical for me - being a sort of relationship-study junkie, I had of course made tons of lists before of what I wanted in a man. But they were always carefully crafted, "are you sure you want that because what if ___"-type lists. I was making lists of the man I thought I should want. The biggest thing this book did was teach me that I'm supposed to want what I want. For example, tattoo'ed up guys. I am sooo attracted to that stuff. But, I used to always tell myself that that wasn't realistic, since I didn't have or want any tattoos and edgy guys like that didn't tend to go for preppier girls like me, etc. Then, while reading the book, I realized that was kind of ridiculous: If I'm attracted to someone like that and I'm like me, then that means that there has to be someone out there that's like that who's also attracted to someone like me. What you want wants you. So what I did with the list practice in this book was allow myself to just write down everything that came to my mind - and challenged myself to not talk myself out of a single thing. I read it over, copied down the things that really resonated with me - the things that caused a loud shout of "YES!" inside my brain - and then gave my original list up to the universe (aka, burnt it in the fire place while drinking a glass of wine and listening to Ray LaMontagne, because that's how you do things when you're living the romantic comedy that is my life).
The other cool thing that the book taught me was that instead of doing visualizations of what you want, to try doing feelingizations. I'm a super visual person - I think in pictures and my thoughts play out like mini-movies, etc - so visualization is easy for me, but I really connected with the idea that it's so much more powerful to think about how you want to feel in a relationship rather than what you want it to look like. Because relationships can look awesome on the outside but still feel terrible on the inside, right? So I took myself through that process and really started capturing how I wanted my romantic-life-For-Life to feel. I wanted to feel that the moment he walked in the door, the party was about to start. I wanted to feel that when we asked about each others' day, we really cared about what the other had to say. I wanted to feel like every single aspect of each other was totally accepted by the other: Not just liked, not "I love this about you now but in six months I'd like you to change it", but accepted. I wanted to feel that I could let go of the selfish tendencies and self-absorbed living practices that I've culled over the past decade - and let go of them gladly - if he asked me to...which is something I've never felt or wanted with someone before (because fuck those guys and their demands on my time, right?).
Around this time, I started noticing my OkCupid.com inbox had started to fill up when I would log onto the site to do research and matches for clients. While I had absolutely no intention of doing any online dating that summer, I had made a sort of half-hearted decision to keep my profile active on there because, in the past, so many clients had requested to see my profile (I guess there's something comforting about knowing that the person you're hiring to write your profile hasn't totally messed up their own). So I mostly ignored the messages. One online match, however, was persistent and contacted me on Facebook. He wrote a very sweet message about not wanting to be perceived as a stalker but had simply noticed that I was rarely on OkCupid anymore, and since he still wanted to get to know me, he figured Facebook was the best avenue to do so. I noticed we had some mutual friends in common, and he seemed like a cool enough guy, so I accepted his friend request, went back to work, and promptly forgot all about it.
Part II --> [image error]
From Single To Family In Less Than 60 seconds: A Disgusting Tale of True Love, Part 1
Here's a fact of life that continues to amaze, shock, and delight the hell out of me: When you're brave enough to release your truth to the world, you give others the courage and the permission to be cool with their own truth. It's an awesome cycle. And it's one that I want to perpetuate, right now and all the time.
So we're gonna get down to business when it comes to the beginning of the story, so that we can get closer to the present and then roll with this crazy-making new world I've found myself in.
***
You know those people who say, "True love will find you when you least expect it!"? Or "The minute you stop looking for someone, you'll find them"?
Those people can go fuck themselves.
Let me explain...
Last summer I did the Bon Iver thing and moved northwards to a cabin in the woods to better concentrate on My Art (it sounds so important, when I capitalize it like that, doesn't it?). After a particularly exciting yet exhausting year, the thought of sort of running away to write (and swim in the lake in the morning and take long walks in the woods in the afternoon and meditate on the dock at sunset and read by the fire late into night) sounded like the most amazing idea I'd had in a long time.
Now, I knew that by moving to the middle of the forest, I would be essentially staring down the barrel of a sexless summer. Which was not the most attractive prospect ever, but maybe it was good for me, right? After a couple of extremely dramatic pairings that year, a break sounded good. Healthy, even. Also, I really had to work on this fucking book, and I couldn't seem to satisfactorily accomplish that while being swept up in the social swirl of Minneapolis.
So anyway, to sum up, I ran away to the woods like a pretentious douchebag and even though I knew I probably wasn't going to get laid all summer long, I figured it was okay because I'd already gotten laid a lot the year before.
Good? Okay! Let's move on.
A lot of what I wanted to do that summer was deepen my study and practice of meditation. This could be a whole other story for another day, but the year before I sort of gave myself permission to build out my spiritual life by digging into stuff I had a long-held curiosity about - meditation, the law of attraction, metaphysics, etc (you know, stuff that too-cool people like me usually associate with crystal prism necklaces and long flowy skirts and gross cereal from Good Earth). And the moment I started plugging into that stuff, miracles started to happen. Real, actual, tangible miracles. And the mental and spiritual growth stuff...like, wow. But the effects of that kind of practice wasn't what I loved most about it - it was the act of it. I loved the study of it. Just taking time for it every day felt...good. Joyful. Like both my body and mind were humming along together, both vibrant and thriving. And I love writing, and I really do feel that it's my purpose in this life to write, but this...this made me so happy.
So it seemed to be a gathering of forces when a Cyber Dating Sidekick client of mine wrote to me about how she had read The Soulmate Secret by Arielle Ford, and asked me to read it while we were working together. I had already heard of the book by listening to podcasts that featured Jack Canfield, an author I really dig (you may know him from Chicken Soup For The Soul, the ridiculously huge empire of books that I still haven't touched. I know him from The Success Principles and the awesomest audio series with the corniest title, Maximum Confidence: 10 Steps to Extreme Self-Esteem), who used to be one of Arielle's clients back when she was a book publicist. He spoke very highly of the book, which piqued my interest. But, initially, the book...it sounded pretty cheesy. While I get pretty jazzed about meditation and spirituality and intentional thinking because I know what those things can do, I'm still that girl who sometimes cringes at the casing. Why we gotta put flowers on everything, kids? What's up with the books covers of sunsets and tree canopies? Doesn't anyone else get tired of wind chimes and flutes? Why can't we just be cool about this stuff?
Also, buying a book called The Soulmate Secretwhen I'm known for my disasterous dates and angsty-type relationship writing kind of felt like being 50 pounds overweight and picking up a copy of 10 Pounds in 10 Days by Jackie Warner. Glad you're keeping your chin up, kid, but let's chat about this thing called reality. But three facts convinced me to at least give it a shot: First, if a client asked me to do it because she felt it would help me serve her better when it came to her online dating endeavors, I couldn't really say no, right? Second, I had to admit that Arielle's premise for the book was true - if we use meditation and intentional thinking for other areas of our lives - career, life purpose, etc - and see results, why can't the same be true for our romantic life? Why can't our search for our life partner be just as spiritual as anything else? After all, we do call it a soulmate...isn't kind of defeating the purpose of trying to find a soulmate if we're not getting down with our soul to find them?
And third, it was perfect timing. I had a whole summer ahead of me, a blank slate of a season. A lot of what the book talks about is clearing out space - head space, emotional space, physical space - to make room for the person you want to bring into your life, and lot of that is a process. And if you're serious about finding your soulmate, Arielle wrote, then you have to get serious about it. Telling the universe that you wanted to find the perfect person for you and then going out and dating a bunch of "he's okay" guys sends mixed signals to the universe/God/your inner intentions, and when you're sending out mixed signals, you're going to get mixed results.
And since I was living in a cabin in the middle of the woods and planning on dating no one, I could hardly fail at that part.
So I dug in. And found, to my surprise and delight, that the book was fun. You do all these different, fun rituals that help you release emotional energy from your exes or prepare you mentally for someone new or help you get clear on what it is that you really want. That was the part that was radical for me - being a sort of relationship-study junkie, I had of course made tons of lists before of what I wanted in a man. But they were always carefully crafted, "are you sure you want that because what if ___"-type lists. I was making lists of the man I thought I should want. The biggest thing this book did was teach me that I'm supposed to want what I want. For example, tattoo'ed up guys. I am sooo attracted to that stuff. But, I used to always tell myself that that wasn't realistic, since I didn't have or want any tattoos and edgy guys like that didn't tend to go for preppier girls like me, etc. Then, while reading the book, I realized that was kind of ridiculous: If I'm attracted to someone like that and I'm like me, then that means that there has to be someone out there that's like that who's also attracted to someone like me. What you want wants you. So what I did with the list practice in this book was allow myself to just write down everything that came to my mind - and challenged myself to not talk myself out of a single thing. I read it over, copied down the things that really resonated with me - the things that caused a loud shout of "YES!" inside my brain - and then gave my original list up to the universe (aka, burnt it in the fire place while drinking a glass of wine and listening to Ray LaMontagne, because that's how you do things when you're living the romantic comedy that is my life).
The other cool thing that the book taught me was that instead of doing visualizations of what you want, to try doing feelingizations. I'm a super visual person - I think in pictures and my thoughts play out like mini-movies, etc - so visualization is easy for me, but I really connected with the idea that it's so much more powerful to think about how you want to feel in a relationship rather than what you want it to look like. Because relationships can look awesome on the outside but still feel terrible on the inside, right? So I took myself through that process and really started capturing how I wanted my romantic-life-For-Life to feel. I wanted to feel that the moment he walked in the door, the party was about to start. I wanted to feel that when we asked about each other's day, we really cared about what the other had to say. I wanted to feel like every single aspect of each other was totally accepted by the other: Not just liked, not "I love this about you now but in six months I'd like you to change it", but accepted. I wanted to feel that I could let go of the selfish tendencies and self-absorbed living practices that I've culled over the past decade - and let go of them gladly - if he asked me to...which is something I've never felt or wanted with someone before (because fuck those guys and their demands on my time, right?).
Around this time, I started noticing my OkCupid.com inbox had started to fill up when I would log onto the site to do research and matches for clients. While I had absolutely no intention of doing any online dating that summer, I had made a sort of half-hearted decision to keep my profile active on there because, in the past, so many clients had requested to see my profile (I guess there's something comforting about knowing that the person you're hiring to write your profile hasn't totally messed up their own). So I mostly ignored the messages. One online match, however, was persistent and contacted me on Facebook. He wrote a very sweet message about not wanting to be perceived as a stalker but had simply noticed that I was rarely on OkCupid anymore, and since he still wanted to get to know me, he figured Facebook was the best avenue to do so. I noticed we had some mutual friends in common, and he seemed like a cool enough guy, so I accepted his friend request, went back to work, and promptly forgot all about it.
And that's the end of Part I. Look for Part II, coming soon to a blog (this blog. The one you're reading right now. This one) near you!
[image error]
So we're gonna get down to business when it comes to the beginning of the story, so that we can get closer to the present and then roll with this crazy-making new world I've found myself in.
***
You know those people who say, "True love will find you when you least expect it!"? Or "The minute you stop looking for someone, you'll find them"?
Those people can go fuck themselves.
Let me explain...
Last summer I did the Bon Iver thing and moved northwards to a cabin in the woods to better concentrate on My Art (it sounds so important, when I capitalize it like that, doesn't it?). After a particularly exciting yet exhausting year, the thought of sort of running away to write (and swim in the lake in the morning and take long walks in the woods in the afternoon and meditate on the dock at sunset and read by the fire late into night) sounded like the most amazing idea I'd had in a long time.
Now, I knew that by moving to the middle of the forest, I would be essentially staring down the barrel of a sexless summer. Which was not the most attractive prospect ever, but maybe it was good for me, right? After a couple of extremely dramatic pairings that year, a break sounded good. Healthy, even. Also, I really had to work on this fucking book, and I couldn't seem to satisfactorily accomplish that while being swept up in the social swirl of Minneapolis.
So anyway, to sum up, I ran away to the woods like a pretentious douchebag and even though I knew I probably wasn't going to get laid all summer long, I figured it was okay because I'd already gotten laid a lot the year before.
Good? Okay! Let's move on.
A lot of what I wanted to do that summer was deepen my study and practice of meditation. This could be a whole other story for another day, but the year before I sort of gave myself permission to build out my spiritual life by digging into stuff I had a long-held curiosity about - meditation, the law of attraction, metaphysics, etc (you know, stuff that too-cool people like me usually associate with crystal prism necklaces and long flowy skirts and gross cereal from Good Earth). And the moment I started plugging into that stuff, miracles started to happen. Real, actual, tangible miracles. And the mental and spiritual growth stuff...like, wow. But the effects of that kind of practice wasn't what I loved most about it - it was the act of it. I loved the study of it. Just taking time for it every day felt...good. Joyful. Like both my body and mind were humming along together, both vibrant and thriving. And I love writing, and I really do feel that it's my purpose in this life to write, but this...this made me so happy.
So it seemed to be a gathering of forces when a Cyber Dating Sidekick client of mine wrote to me about how she had read The Soulmate Secret by Arielle Ford, and asked me to read it while we were working together. I had already heard of the book by listening to podcasts that featured Jack Canfield, an author I really dig (you may know him from Chicken Soup For The Soul, the ridiculously huge empire of books that I still haven't touched. I know him from The Success Principles and the awesomest audio series with the corniest title, Maximum Confidence: 10 Steps to Extreme Self-Esteem), who used to be one of Arielle's clients back when she was a book publicist. He spoke very highly of the book, which piqued my interest. But, initially, the book...it sounded pretty cheesy. While I get pretty jazzed about meditation and spirituality and intentional thinking because I know what those things can do, I'm still that girl who sometimes cringes at the casing. Why we gotta put flowers on everything, kids? What's up with the books covers of sunsets and tree canopies? Doesn't anyone else get tired of wind chimes and flutes? Why can't we just be cool about this stuff?
Also, buying a book called The Soulmate Secretwhen I'm known for my disasterous dates and angsty-type relationship writing kind of felt like being 50 pounds overweight and picking up a copy of 10 Pounds in 10 Days by Jackie Warner. Glad you're keeping your chin up, kid, but let's chat about this thing called reality. But three facts convinced me to at least give it a shot: First, if a client asked me to do it because she felt it would help me serve her better when it came to her online dating endeavors, I couldn't really say no, right? Second, I had to admit that Arielle's premise for the book was true - if we use meditation and intentional thinking for other areas of our lives - career, life purpose, etc - and see results, why can't the same be true for our romantic life? Why can't our search for our life partner be just as spiritual as anything else? After all, we do call it a soulmate...isn't kind of defeating the purpose of trying to find a soulmate if we're not getting down with our soul to find them?
And third, it was perfect timing. I had a whole summer ahead of me, a blank slate of a season. A lot of what the book talks about is clearing out space - head space, emotional space, physical space - to make room for the person you want to bring into your life, and lot of that is a process. And if you're serious about finding your soulmate, Arielle wrote, then you have to get serious about it. Telling the universe that you wanted to find the perfect person for you and then going out and dating a bunch of "he's okay" guys sends mixed signals to the universe/God/your inner intentions, and when you're sending out mixed signals, you're going to get mixed results.
And since I was living in a cabin in the middle of the woods and planning on dating no one, I could hardly fail at that part.
So I dug in. And found, to my surprise and delight, that the book was fun. You do all these different, fun rituals that help you release emotional energy from your exes or prepare you mentally for someone new or help you get clear on what it is that you really want. That was the part that was radical for me - being a sort of relationship-study junkie, I had of course made tons of lists before of what I wanted in a man. But they were always carefully crafted, "are you sure you want that because what if ___"-type lists. I was making lists of the man I thought I should want. The biggest thing this book did was teach me that I'm supposed to want what I want. For example, tattoo'ed up guys. I am sooo attracted to that stuff. But, I used to always tell myself that that wasn't realistic, since I didn't have or want any tattoos and edgy guys like that didn't tend to go for preppier girls like me, etc. Then, while reading the book, I realized that was kind of ridiculous: If I'm attracted to someone like that and I'm like me, then that means that there has to be someone out there that's like that who's also attracted to someone like me. What you want wants you. So what I did with the list practice in this book was allow myself to just write down everything that came to my mind - and challenged myself to not talk myself out of a single thing. I read it over, copied down the things that really resonated with me - the things that caused a loud shout of "YES!" inside my brain - and then gave my original list up to the universe (aka, burnt it in the fire place while drinking a glass of wine and listening to Ray LaMontagne, because that's how you do things when you're living the romantic comedy that is my life).
The other cool thing that the book taught me was that instead of doing visualizations of what you want, to try doing feelingizations. I'm a super visual person - I think in pictures and my thoughts play out like mini-movies, etc - so visualization is easy for me, but I really connected with the idea that it's so much more powerful to think about how you want to feel in a relationship rather than what you want it to look like. Because relationships can look awesome on the outside but still feel terrible on the inside, right? So I took myself through that process and really started capturing how I wanted my romantic-life-For-Life to feel. I wanted to feel that the moment he walked in the door, the party was about to start. I wanted to feel that when we asked about each other's day, we really cared about what the other had to say. I wanted to feel like every single aspect of each other was totally accepted by the other: Not just liked, not "I love this about you now but in six months I'd like you to change it", but accepted. I wanted to feel that I could let go of the selfish tendencies and self-absorbed living practices that I've culled over the past decade - and let go of them gladly - if he asked me to...which is something I've never felt or wanted with someone before (because fuck those guys and their demands on my time, right?).
Around this time, I started noticing my OkCupid.com inbox had started to fill up when I would log onto the site to do research and matches for clients. While I had absolutely no intention of doing any online dating that summer, I had made a sort of half-hearted decision to keep my profile active on there because, in the past, so many clients had requested to see my profile (I guess there's something comforting about knowing that the person you're hiring to write your profile hasn't totally messed up their own). So I mostly ignored the messages. One online match, however, was persistent and contacted me on Facebook. He wrote a very sweet message about not wanting to be perceived as a stalker but had simply noticed that I was rarely on OkCupid anymore, and since he still wanted to get to know me, he figured Facebook was the best avenue to do so. I noticed we had some mutual friends in common, and he seemed like a cool enough guy, so I accepted his friend request, went back to work, and promptly forgot all about it.
And that's the end of Part I. Look for Part II, coming soon to a blog (this blog. The one you're reading right now. This one) near you!
[image error]
May 29, 2012
Oh John.
You're working so hard to win me back.
And you know what?
It's working, John.
*whispers* It's working...[image error]
And you know what?
It's working, John.
*whispers* It's working...[image error]
'The Bachelorette' Recap: If The Times Get Too Good, We Can Just Talk About Kids Again
Last night on The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter -
Just as a side note though...has anyone else noticed how the opening credit of Emily holding Ricky in her arms and standing in a field against the setting sun looks a little creepy? Like it's the movie poster for "Fields of North Carolina" or some other movie where a mother and her child are all on their own during a depression or wartime, trying to survive against tragedy, harsh poverty, and savage social mores or something.
via abc.com Anyway! Last night's episode was an intense exploration of what it means to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations about being a father and what it means to everyone in the whole goddamn world. It opened up with Emily's mom bringing Emily breakfast in bed in what looks to be like one of the most amazing bed/bedrooms in the world. I paused it to see what kind of food the most perfect woman in the universe likes to break her fast with, and it looks like green grapes, wheat crackers, cheddar cheese, deli turkey slices, hummus, and a bread/muffin-like thing with coffee.
And that, my friends, is why I feel I missed my calling as an crackerjack investigative reporter.
Anyway, Emily and her mom talk about Ricky a bunch while Ricky dances outside Emily's door like a weirdo, and then we go to the guys. The next one-on-one date turns out to be with Corporate Sales Director Chris, who seems sweet but is also really fucking boring. We find out that they're going to climb to the top of a building to their dinner, and it feels like that other season where the producers created risk-taking dates to create unnatural bonds and the inevitable cheesy metaphors about holding on to each other through their fear and overcoming obstacles, blah blah blah.
via abc.go.com Chris keeps talking about kissing Emily and then talks about not kissing Emily, which proved my inner prediction that Chris is the kind of guy who fumbles around during body-slappin' time, constantly asking annoying questions like if this is okay or is it alright to do this or "how does this feel? Is your vagina alright? Do you mind if I just slip in right here or would you rather just sit up or talk...?" Emily, however, lays on her magistical charm and flatters him by telling him that he's so cute that she would be too intimidated to go up to him and talk to him in a regular bar scene, which none of the rest of us believes, but if she feels like spreading love to those less fortunate, who are we to judge her? And then Chris admits to being 25 and Emily starts to question whether or not he's mature enough for her and her daughter.
Then we see Tony calling his little boy at home and talking about how hard it is to be away from him. Yawn. Then it's the group date card, which says, "Let's Play..." and everyone scratches their head and beards and tries to philosophize what "Let's Play..." really means, which makes us worry about the future of humanity as birthed through their gene pool.
Emily decides that Chris is so mature that he actually seems older than her, and then declares that she really likes him, much to the confusion of everyone watching. She gives him the rose, he's stunned, and all we can see is the future desolation and despair that will wash over his face when she sends him packing in favor of the other guys who are also attractive but will not talk repeatedly about wanting to kiss Emily without actually doing so.
via entertainment.time.com And then there's another country music concert, and Emily and Chris dance awkwardly by themselves while the whole town watches, and then people run out into the streets and start dancing with them, and then I went to a place far, far way, where happiness and sunshine are real and horses dance in a meadow and there is no one there to hurt you...no one to torture you with visions of awful things happening in city squares where emotions are manipulated and fake concerts by someone no one has ever heard of are painfully choreographed for Prime Time Television...
Group Date time! Emily shows some pretty great cleavage and her long legs in a "sporty" outfit while the boys arrive at the park. She holds a football a bunch, Real Housewife Ryan tries to give her tips on how to put the "spiff on" any guys who try to kiss her and Emily lies about not making out with Corporate Chris the night before, which was awkward for everyone who knows that she did (she's probably lying about it because she regrets it, though, which I totally understand. I would regret making out with Corporate Chris, too). Sean and Parent Expert Doug decide not to jump on her like a pack of wolves - Did WOLF hear you say that, guys? Maybe you could be a little more sensitive about your negative connotations and stereotypes. Wolf is REAL LIVE PERSON with FEELINGS. - and Emily ditches the guys to go meet up with her gal pals, aka The Mom Patrol and announces that they're going to meet the guys and will have the chance to grill each one on how good of a husband and dad they would be.
Tony plays the "I'm a dad, too" card again WHICH IS SO BORING BY NOW, Jef With One F gets another reminder from the Mom Patrol that he needs to show Emily that he's into her, and Parent Expert Doug once again flexes his deep, deep insight into what it's like to be a Parent Expert. Stevie The Dancing Elf shows his pop and lock dance routine, Real Housewife Ryan does push-ups, Tony renders us all sterile with his "back it up" moves...
And then Sean walks up.
Via abc.com Sean has definitely become the dark horse - we didn't really see anything about him in the first episode, but by now it's become crystal clear that Sean is definitely going to be #Top5. A good old Texas boy who counts faith and family as his two most important things, he's not only got a body that was sent down from the heavens, but he has also yet to say anything that makes me want to throw up, which is a blessing.
Did you get all those puns? There was about five of them dropped into that sentence. Congratulations to me, someone give me a copywriting job at Cosmo.
And then a bunch of kids run out and the guys are set in this really weird situation where they all have to instantly win the trust of kids they don't know by playing with them and pretending to like them, which normally would be a situation for the neighborhood watch or a plot point for an after-school special, but since it's on TV it's considered sweet and fun to watch.
Real Housewife Ryan breaks apart from the pack and goes over to Emily, who's hanging with the Mom Patrol, and says some stuff about how Emily can't get fat if they get married, and then tries to say something about he wants her to be at her best and if people get lazy then there's a problem there, and that he would still love her but he might not love "on" her quite so much. Which is valid, but most of us have learned by now not to say those things out loud, and especially not in front of their friends. Not Real Housewife Ryan, though! Real Housewife Ryan doesn't have to play by your rules, because he's a Pro Sports Trainer and he never goes into a ball game expectin' to lose. Sad news, Ryan - Emily didn't think that was a good move, which means if you're not careful, you're gonna be out of the game. Ryan, of course, confides that he still thinks he's getting the rose tonight. Best leave the thinking to others, Ryan, and stick to the picnic table push-ups.
At the phancy portion of the date, Emily has a hard time being demure in her shiny mini-skirt and has to grab the front hem of her skirt when she sits so her hand blocks her lady tunnel from the prying lens of the camera, which only makes us think "vagina!" even more. Parent Expert Doug fills Emily in on his - totally sad! - background story, which is awful because up until this point I've been okay not liking him but now I feel bad for judging him and now I'm kind of like, "Well, maybe he's not so bad..." so WELL PLAYED, DOUG, YOU AND YOUR SAD CHILDHOOD STORIES.
Meanwhile, back at The Man Ranch, we get to see yet another stupendously shallow side of Kalon The Kracken when he confesses during confessional time that he really hopes Emily has taken enough interest in him..."to plan something really, really over the top for our date." (Sidenote: Does everyone who goes on this show just NOT EVEN BOTHER to watch the other shows? Is there a bunch of Jedi mind tricks happening that I'm somehow immune to? Why is it that every "contestant" fails to grasp the fact that the PRODUCERS plan the dates? Emily obviously had a hand in some of the dates that have happened thus far, but it's obvious from the "let's climb to the top of building in a thunderstorm!" that she's not in complete control. This is fantasy television, everybody. Producers are hired to keep it that way. Get the net.) Oh Kalon. Somewhere inside that shallow, narcissistic, spoiled-little-prince head of yours dwells a sad, angry little boy who did not get breastfed enough as a baby and is now the epitome of douche. Which is okay, because if you weren't like that, then I wouldn't have known the value of the joy I felt when the one-on-one date card was read and it was Arie going on the date instead of you.
And then we're back to the group date, where Tony brings everyone down with his "I miss my son" spiral. And I get it - it's like being homesick at sleepaway camp, where, as soon as you let yourself go to that place, it's almost impossible to get out of it. So Tony does the one thing that could make it worse - he calls his son. We are then treated to one of the more awkward phone conversations I've ever been a witness to. Tony does the whole "I'm talking in a higher-pitched voice because kids are idiots and this is how you talk to them" thing while he asks his kid a bunch of questions like "Do you know I miss you so much? Do you know I love you?" And then he does that gross "forcing affection" thing where he asks his kid if he misses him, so then the kid is forced to say yes, which is always good because what bad could possibly come of purposefully manipulating a kid's emotions to fit your own, right? Finally Emily decides to put everyone out their misery by telling Tony that she knows how painful it is to be away from your child, and that she would never be able to forgive herself if she kept him away from his son when she didn't know for sure if it would work out. Seriously! This woman! Like, can you guys even believe how perfect and honorable she is? And now we don't have to hear Tony talk about how much he wants Emily to know who he is or how much he misses his kid or other stuff that just brings the party down all the time! Hooo-ray for Emily!! Oh yeah, and she gives the date rose to Sean.
via tvrecaps.ew.com And then it's time for Emily's date with Arie! Emily's outfit - striped jersey shirt with cutoff jean shorts and knee-high cowboy boots - cause a serious debate between my domestic partner and I about Emily's boobs, because jesus. Appropriately, they end up going to Dollywood, where they play games and ride on a train and ride a roller coaster and then surprise! Dolly Parton shows up. (Boy, they are really putting out all the stops for this season, aren't they?) Emily's surprise is so genuine and sweet, and Emily and Arie slow-dancing to Dolly's songs is actually not awkward (Arie does the whole kiss-on-the-top-of-the-head thing, which is somehow super adorable, even when done on national TV) which is a first when it comes to the ever-present act of slow-dancing on The Bachelor franchise.
And then they have dinner, where Emily admits that she can't just have fun and enjoy things, but always has to make stuff serious again by talking about kids some more. Will the kid talk ever end. I mean, I understand that finding a partner is the most important thing to Emily, but god. Total snooze fest, right? So we get that stuff out of the way and then Emily tricks Arie by making him think he wasn't getting the rose and then gives it to him and we all breathe a sigh of relief because those two are adorable. And then the scene ends with a "this could be a movie, everybody!" scene where Emily and Arie kiss in slow-motion in front of a lit-up merry-go-round which elicts groans from everyone in the entire world. President Obama will most likely use it an example when he addresses this new rampant, blatant kind of terrorism in his next State of The Union address, though, so don't worry about it if you missed it.
The fire burns at The Man Ranch as they all get ready for the cocktail party and rose ceremony to start. Real Housewife Ryan really hits the nail on the head when he explains that Emily's here for a purpose, that she's wanting more than just a boyfriend, but a husband and a father, too. Try not to drop too many of those brain busters, Ryan...the world may not be able to handle your kind of subtle intelligence. Emily walks in and asks Kalon The Kraken to come with her for a little one-on-one time. Kraken once again makes the world grit its teeth in hatred and revulsion when he takes her arm in his and says, "Gentleman? You'll hold down the fort, won't you?" Let me break something to you, Kraken: You are not living in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. And neither is anyone else. So stop being a totally ridiculous asshole with your boat shoes and fake glasses and acting like it's bragging when you admit that you've never really had to share much in your life.
via glamour.comBut THEN! THE BEST PART EVER! Kracken is trying to tell Emily all about himself - because it's super awesome when you focus on yourself and telling your story instead of getting to know the person you want to date, right? - and she FINALLY manages to get a word in edgewise to ask him about kids. She expounds a little bit on her points, and then HE interrupts HER and says, "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish." Which you KNOW is a line that he's used before and has probably even bragged about its perfection - it's one of those lines that seem to compliment the other person while also putting them in their place but really just insults them more because it's so obviously condescending - to his stupid boring friends. The entire nation of America wants to punch this guy in the fact, but Emily simply puts on a polite smile, nods, and says, "okay." Which is scary in it's own way - it's like your teacher talking really quietly about how he's going to fail everyone in the class if they don't stop talking over the lecture, or when your mom puts her hand on your arms and smiles as she says, "We'll talk about this when we get home" after you've just thrown a complete tantrum. It means that you are about to die.
So then Kracken laughs at his little remark like a total asshole choad and goes on to explain further that his mom taught him that he can't try to control everything, even though he's used to being in control and having everything going his way (aka, he's been a spoiled asshole his entire life). Emily says, "I had no idea that you were like that" in a way that Kraken takes as serious but we all knew was sarcastic, and then Kraken lays down some more parenting wisdom with "But when you become a parent, you gotta let go of that overnight. You can't control anything." Like he's not talking to a parent right now who could maybe tell him what's really up because she's actually a parent. Emily admits during confessional time that she wonders if there's something else about him that she's just not seeing yet. To which America replies, "Um, YEAH." And then drops, "I do like tall, skinny, and funny, but I don't tall, skinny, and condescending." OH, SNAP!
Then Travis, Ostrich Egg Guy, lets Emily smash the egg (nicknamed Shelly. Or Shelby. Or Shaggy. I don't care), which is entertaining only because the eagle-eyed viewer spotted Charlie watching and laughing his ass off from a window by the door of the house.
via abc.com And THEN! It's Emily and Alessandro. In the past few eps, I've been kind of rooting for Alessandro because he seemed like a nice guy. A nice guy with really awful hair, but a nice guy. Emily drops the #1 Question - How do you think you would be as a dad? (because she has a child, everybody! Did you know? Emily has a daughter. I hope that you caught that from watching this and other past episodes). Alessandro begins on shaky ground by saying how he doesn't have a lot of experience with kids, and we're like, okay...not really winning the pageant here, but then he says, "But you're gonna teach me, right?" and a sigh of relief is felt around the world as he gets back on solid footing.
And then he starts talking about that role being a compromise for him, and all the glass in all the world begins to shatter and break, a woman shrieks long and high, the earth begins to shake, and the ground splits open as hot lava comes pouring out of it, melting and killing everyone.
"The compromise would be me as a dad, as a chief in a family," Alessandro tries to explain in his slight Spanish accent. Emily wonders why he sees it as a compromise and not an honor, and Alessandro tries to explain that marriage is a compromise. Once again, Emily tries to save him by asking if he doesn't see it as a bonus, and Alessandro disagrees with her again, and explains that he would have to tell his company "Okay, I can't travel, I can't move locations, because I have a compromise - I have a wife, I have a family." And AGAIN, Emily tries to save him by wondering if there's a language barrier, to which Alessandro firmly replies that there is not, that he is expressing himself right now. And then we see Sean sharing that Alessandro had admitted to her Emily friends that he had cheated on an ex and had a one-night stand. Then we see Emily walking Alessandro out of the house and to a black SUV, and all the women in Minneapolis and St. Paul gathered to discuss ways to raise awareness on how to avoid the Gypsy King (he called himself that. No lie) that is Alessandro.
Seriously, local ladies. Do not let this bad hair nightmare happen to you. Avoid at all costs. You are most vulnerable in downtown nightclubs, high-scale restaurants, rooftop bars, and anywhere that does valet. He will torture you with his odd accent, embarrass you with the weird hairy spider/octopus thing he's got going on up there on his skull, and steal your self-respect at a moment's notice.
Emily is upset, though, with what Alessandro said, so she slips away to a quiet corner with Arie for amazing margarita-like drinks and Arie says something super cute and then hugs her and kisses her on the top of her forehead and then kisses her for real and it's ADORABLE. And the best is that Real Housewife Ryan sees them making out and gets all botoxed out about it since he hasn't kissed Emily yet. Guess that's one ball game you DIDN'T win! HAHAHAHA!
Emily has time with Sean and Sean dazzles her by praising her dad and announcing that if they were to get married, that he would consider Ricky as his daughter. And all the guys punched a hand through the wall because that Sean guy, right?! He's so good! Where did he come from?!
Rose Ceremonaaay! Everybody's sweating, the camera keeps trying to get a better view of Emily's side boob through the keyhole in her dress, and it slowly comes down to Stevie The Dancing Elf and some guy that I don't even know the name of because we've barely even seen him this entire time (Nate? Kyle? It's not important, I guess, according to the producers). Stevie The Dancing Elf got the shaft, probably because Emily knew that she couldn't bring home a dancing elf to her daughter. He says his goodbyes, and I kind of feel sorry for him because he can kind of be endearing when he's talking instead of dancing. But it's back to the Jersey Shore with him, to get laid a thousand times a thousand by women who watch the show and love a good pop, lock, and drop.
Real Housewife Ryan once again whines about Arie kissing Emily, calling him "more of a dainty guy", and declaring that this is definitely a cat and mouse game and that he's used to winning. Ryan, take your narcissism and go be on Falcon Crest or something. I'm tired of looking at your stupid perfect face.
Next week, the whole love crew hits it for Bermuda, where we should expect a lot of beach walking and talking by the fire and confrontations happening against unfortunate-looking patio furniture. Until next time, Bach Buds...this is Amber Carter, signing off with these words of wisdom... If the good times ever get too good, just suddenly ask a guy if he feels ready to be a dad.[image error]
Just as a side note though...has anyone else noticed how the opening credit of Emily holding Ricky in her arms and standing in a field against the setting sun looks a little creepy? Like it's the movie poster for "Fields of North Carolina" or some other movie where a mother and her child are all on their own during a depression or wartime, trying to survive against tragedy, harsh poverty, and savage social mores or something.
via abc.com Anyway! Last night's episode was an intense exploration of what it means to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations about being a father and what it means to everyone in the whole goddamn world. It opened up with Emily's mom bringing Emily breakfast in bed in what looks to be like one of the most amazing bed/bedrooms in the world. I paused it to see what kind of food the most perfect woman in the universe likes to break her fast with, and it looks like green grapes, wheat crackers, cheddar cheese, deli turkey slices, hummus, and a bread/muffin-like thing with coffee.And that, my friends, is why I feel I missed my calling as an crackerjack investigative reporter.
Anyway, Emily and her mom talk about Ricky a bunch while Ricky dances outside Emily's door like a weirdo, and then we go to the guys. The next one-on-one date turns out to be with Corporate Sales Director Chris, who seems sweet but is also really fucking boring. We find out that they're going to climb to the top of a building to their dinner, and it feels like that other season where the producers created risk-taking dates to create unnatural bonds and the inevitable cheesy metaphors about holding on to each other through their fear and overcoming obstacles, blah blah blah.
via abc.go.com Chris keeps talking about kissing Emily and then talks about not kissing Emily, which proved my inner prediction that Chris is the kind of guy who fumbles around during body-slappin' time, constantly asking annoying questions like if this is okay or is it alright to do this or "how does this feel? Is your vagina alright? Do you mind if I just slip in right here or would you rather just sit up or talk...?" Emily, however, lays on her magistical charm and flatters him by telling him that he's so cute that she would be too intimidated to go up to him and talk to him in a regular bar scene, which none of the rest of us believes, but if she feels like spreading love to those less fortunate, who are we to judge her? And then Chris admits to being 25 and Emily starts to question whether or not he's mature enough for her and her daughter.Then we see Tony calling his little boy at home and talking about how hard it is to be away from him. Yawn. Then it's the group date card, which says, "Let's Play..." and everyone scratches their head and beards and tries to philosophize what "Let's Play..." really means, which makes us worry about the future of humanity as birthed through their gene pool.
Emily decides that Chris is so mature that he actually seems older than her, and then declares that she really likes him, much to the confusion of everyone watching. She gives him the rose, he's stunned, and all we can see is the future desolation and despair that will wash over his face when she sends him packing in favor of the other guys who are also attractive but will not talk repeatedly about wanting to kiss Emily without actually doing so.
via entertainment.time.com And then there's another country music concert, and Emily and Chris dance awkwardly by themselves while the whole town watches, and then people run out into the streets and start dancing with them, and then I went to a place far, far way, where happiness and sunshine are real and horses dance in a meadow and there is no one there to hurt you...no one to torture you with visions of awful things happening in city squares where emotions are manipulated and fake concerts by someone no one has ever heard of are painfully choreographed for Prime Time Television...Group Date time! Emily shows some pretty great cleavage and her long legs in a "sporty" outfit while the boys arrive at the park. She holds a football a bunch, Real Housewife Ryan tries to give her tips on how to put the "spiff on" any guys who try to kiss her and Emily lies about not making out with Corporate Chris the night before, which was awkward for everyone who knows that she did (she's probably lying about it because she regrets it, though, which I totally understand. I would regret making out with Corporate Chris, too). Sean and Parent Expert Doug decide not to jump on her like a pack of wolves - Did WOLF hear you say that, guys? Maybe you could be a little more sensitive about your negative connotations and stereotypes. Wolf is REAL LIVE PERSON with FEELINGS. - and Emily ditches the guys to go meet up with her gal pals, aka The Mom Patrol and announces that they're going to meet the guys and will have the chance to grill each one on how good of a husband and dad they would be.
Tony plays the "I'm a dad, too" card again WHICH IS SO BORING BY NOW, Jef With One F gets another reminder from the Mom Patrol that he needs to show Emily that he's into her, and Parent Expert Doug once again flexes his deep, deep insight into what it's like to be a Parent Expert. Stevie The Dancing Elf shows his pop and lock dance routine, Real Housewife Ryan does push-ups, Tony renders us all sterile with his "back it up" moves...
And then Sean walks up.
Via abc.com Sean has definitely become the dark horse - we didn't really see anything about him in the first episode, but by now it's become crystal clear that Sean is definitely going to be #Top5. A good old Texas boy who counts faith and family as his two most important things, he's not only got a body that was sent down from the heavens, but he has also yet to say anything that makes me want to throw up, which is a blessing.Did you get all those puns? There was about five of them dropped into that sentence. Congratulations to me, someone give me a copywriting job at Cosmo.
And then a bunch of kids run out and the guys are set in this really weird situation where they all have to instantly win the trust of kids they don't know by playing with them and pretending to like them, which normally would be a situation for the neighborhood watch or a plot point for an after-school special, but since it's on TV it's considered sweet and fun to watch.
Real Housewife Ryan breaks apart from the pack and goes over to Emily, who's hanging with the Mom Patrol, and says some stuff about how Emily can't get fat if they get married, and then tries to say something about he wants her to be at her best and if people get lazy then there's a problem there, and that he would still love her but he might not love "on" her quite so much. Which is valid, but most of us have learned by now not to say those things out loud, and especially not in front of their friends. Not Real Housewife Ryan, though! Real Housewife Ryan doesn't have to play by your rules, because he's a Pro Sports Trainer and he never goes into a ball game expectin' to lose. Sad news, Ryan - Emily didn't think that was a good move, which means if you're not careful, you're gonna be out of the game. Ryan, of course, confides that he still thinks he's getting the rose tonight. Best leave the thinking to others, Ryan, and stick to the picnic table push-ups.
At the phancy portion of the date, Emily has a hard time being demure in her shiny mini-skirt and has to grab the front hem of her skirt when she sits so her hand blocks her lady tunnel from the prying lens of the camera, which only makes us think "vagina!" even more. Parent Expert Doug fills Emily in on his - totally sad! - background story, which is awful because up until this point I've been okay not liking him but now I feel bad for judging him and now I'm kind of like, "Well, maybe he's not so bad..." so WELL PLAYED, DOUG, YOU AND YOUR SAD CHILDHOOD STORIES.
Meanwhile, back at The Man Ranch, we get to see yet another stupendously shallow side of Kalon The Kracken when he confesses during confessional time that he really hopes Emily has taken enough interest in him..."to plan something really, really over the top for our date." (Sidenote: Does everyone who goes on this show just NOT EVEN BOTHER to watch the other shows? Is there a bunch of Jedi mind tricks happening that I'm somehow immune to? Why is it that every "contestant" fails to grasp the fact that the PRODUCERS plan the dates? Emily obviously had a hand in some of the dates that have happened thus far, but it's obvious from the "let's climb to the top of building in a thunderstorm!" that she's not in complete control. This is fantasy television, everybody. Producers are hired to keep it that way. Get the net.) Oh Kalon. Somewhere inside that shallow, narcissistic, spoiled-little-prince head of yours dwells a sad, angry little boy who did not get breastfed enough as a baby and is now the epitome of douche. Which is okay, because if you weren't like that, then I wouldn't have known the value of the joy I felt when the one-on-one date card was read and it was Arie going on the date instead of you.
And then we're back to the group date, where Tony brings everyone down with his "I miss my son" spiral. And I get it - it's like being homesick at sleepaway camp, where, as soon as you let yourself go to that place, it's almost impossible to get out of it. So Tony does the one thing that could make it worse - he calls his son. We are then treated to one of the more awkward phone conversations I've ever been a witness to. Tony does the whole "I'm talking in a higher-pitched voice because kids are idiots and this is how you talk to them" thing while he asks his kid a bunch of questions like "Do you know I miss you so much? Do you know I love you?" And then he does that gross "forcing affection" thing where he asks his kid if he misses him, so then the kid is forced to say yes, which is always good because what bad could possibly come of purposefully manipulating a kid's emotions to fit your own, right? Finally Emily decides to put everyone out their misery by telling Tony that she knows how painful it is to be away from your child, and that she would never be able to forgive herself if she kept him away from his son when she didn't know for sure if it would work out. Seriously! This woman! Like, can you guys even believe how perfect and honorable she is? And now we don't have to hear Tony talk about how much he wants Emily to know who he is or how much he misses his kid or other stuff that just brings the party down all the time! Hooo-ray for Emily!! Oh yeah, and she gives the date rose to Sean.
via tvrecaps.ew.com And then it's time for Emily's date with Arie! Emily's outfit - striped jersey shirt with cutoff jean shorts and knee-high cowboy boots - cause a serious debate between my domestic partner and I about Emily's boobs, because jesus. Appropriately, they end up going to Dollywood, where they play games and ride on a train and ride a roller coaster and then surprise! Dolly Parton shows up. (Boy, they are really putting out all the stops for this season, aren't they?) Emily's surprise is so genuine and sweet, and Emily and Arie slow-dancing to Dolly's songs is actually not awkward (Arie does the whole kiss-on-the-top-of-the-head thing, which is somehow super adorable, even when done on national TV) which is a first when it comes to the ever-present act of slow-dancing on The Bachelor franchise. 
And then they have dinner, where Emily admits that she can't just have fun and enjoy things, but always has to make stuff serious again by talking about kids some more. Will the kid talk ever end. I mean, I understand that finding a partner is the most important thing to Emily, but god. Total snooze fest, right? So we get that stuff out of the way and then Emily tricks Arie by making him think he wasn't getting the rose and then gives it to him and we all breathe a sigh of relief because those two are adorable. And then the scene ends with a "this could be a movie, everybody!" scene where Emily and Arie kiss in slow-motion in front of a lit-up merry-go-round which elicts groans from everyone in the entire world. President Obama will most likely use it an example when he addresses this new rampant, blatant kind of terrorism in his next State of The Union address, though, so don't worry about it if you missed it.
The fire burns at The Man Ranch as they all get ready for the cocktail party and rose ceremony to start. Real Housewife Ryan really hits the nail on the head when he explains that Emily's here for a purpose, that she's wanting more than just a boyfriend, but a husband and a father, too. Try not to drop too many of those brain busters, Ryan...the world may not be able to handle your kind of subtle intelligence. Emily walks in and asks Kalon The Kraken to come with her for a little one-on-one time. Kraken once again makes the world grit its teeth in hatred and revulsion when he takes her arm in his and says, "Gentleman? You'll hold down the fort, won't you?" Let me break something to you, Kraken: You are not living in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. And neither is anyone else. So stop being a totally ridiculous asshole with your boat shoes and fake glasses and acting like it's bragging when you admit that you've never really had to share much in your life.
via glamour.comBut THEN! THE BEST PART EVER! Kracken is trying to tell Emily all about himself - because it's super awesome when you focus on yourself and telling your story instead of getting to know the person you want to date, right? - and she FINALLY manages to get a word in edgewise to ask him about kids. She expounds a little bit on her points, and then HE interrupts HER and says, "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish." Which you KNOW is a line that he's used before and has probably even bragged about its perfection - it's one of those lines that seem to compliment the other person while also putting them in their place but really just insults them more because it's so obviously condescending - to his stupid boring friends. The entire nation of America wants to punch this guy in the fact, but Emily simply puts on a polite smile, nods, and says, "okay." Which is scary in it's own way - it's like your teacher talking really quietly about how he's going to fail everyone in the class if they don't stop talking over the lecture, or when your mom puts her hand on your arms and smiles as she says, "We'll talk about this when we get home" after you've just thrown a complete tantrum. It means that you are about to die.So then Kracken laughs at his little remark like a total asshole choad and goes on to explain further that his mom taught him that he can't try to control everything, even though he's used to being in control and having everything going his way (aka, he's been a spoiled asshole his entire life). Emily says, "I had no idea that you were like that" in a way that Kraken takes as serious but we all knew was sarcastic, and then Kraken lays down some more parenting wisdom with "But when you become a parent, you gotta let go of that overnight. You can't control anything." Like he's not talking to a parent right now who could maybe tell him what's really up because she's actually a parent. Emily admits during confessional time that she wonders if there's something else about him that she's just not seeing yet. To which America replies, "Um, YEAH." And then drops, "I do like tall, skinny, and funny, but I don't tall, skinny, and condescending." OH, SNAP!
Then Travis, Ostrich Egg Guy, lets Emily smash the egg (nicknamed Shelly. Or Shelby. Or Shaggy. I don't care), which is entertaining only because the eagle-eyed viewer spotted Charlie watching and laughing his ass off from a window by the door of the house.
via abc.com And THEN! It's Emily and Alessandro. In the past few eps, I've been kind of rooting for Alessandro because he seemed like a nice guy. A nice guy with really awful hair, but a nice guy. Emily drops the #1 Question - How do you think you would be as a dad? (because she has a child, everybody! Did you know? Emily has a daughter. I hope that you caught that from watching this and other past episodes). Alessandro begins on shaky ground by saying how he doesn't have a lot of experience with kids, and we're like, okay...not really winning the pageant here, but then he says, "But you're gonna teach me, right?" and a sigh of relief is felt around the world as he gets back on solid footing.And then he starts talking about that role being a compromise for him, and all the glass in all the world begins to shatter and break, a woman shrieks long and high, the earth begins to shake, and the ground splits open as hot lava comes pouring out of it, melting and killing everyone.
"The compromise would be me as a dad, as a chief in a family," Alessandro tries to explain in his slight Spanish accent. Emily wonders why he sees it as a compromise and not an honor, and Alessandro tries to explain that marriage is a compromise. Once again, Emily tries to save him by asking if he doesn't see it as a bonus, and Alessandro disagrees with her again, and explains that he would have to tell his company "Okay, I can't travel, I can't move locations, because I have a compromise - I have a wife, I have a family." And AGAIN, Emily tries to save him by wondering if there's a language barrier, to which Alessandro firmly replies that there is not, that he is expressing himself right now. And then we see Sean sharing that Alessandro had admitted to her Emily friends that he had cheated on an ex and had a one-night stand. Then we see Emily walking Alessandro out of the house and to a black SUV, and all the women in Minneapolis and St. Paul gathered to discuss ways to raise awareness on how to avoid the Gypsy King (he called himself that. No lie) that is Alessandro.
Seriously, local ladies. Do not let this bad hair nightmare happen to you. Avoid at all costs. You are most vulnerable in downtown nightclubs, high-scale restaurants, rooftop bars, and anywhere that does valet. He will torture you with his odd accent, embarrass you with the weird hairy spider/octopus thing he's got going on up there on his skull, and steal your self-respect at a moment's notice.
Emily is upset, though, with what Alessandro said, so she slips away to a quiet corner with Arie for amazing margarita-like drinks and Arie says something super cute and then hugs her and kisses her on the top of her forehead and then kisses her for real and it's ADORABLE. And the best is that Real Housewife Ryan sees them making out and gets all botoxed out about it since he hasn't kissed Emily yet. Guess that's one ball game you DIDN'T win! HAHAHAHA!
Emily has time with Sean and Sean dazzles her by praising her dad and announcing that if they were to get married, that he would consider Ricky as his daughter. And all the guys punched a hand through the wall because that Sean guy, right?! He's so good! Where did he come from?!
Rose Ceremonaaay! Everybody's sweating, the camera keeps trying to get a better view of Emily's side boob through the keyhole in her dress, and it slowly comes down to Stevie The Dancing Elf and some guy that I don't even know the name of because we've barely even seen him this entire time (Nate? Kyle? It's not important, I guess, according to the producers). Stevie The Dancing Elf got the shaft, probably because Emily knew that she couldn't bring home a dancing elf to her daughter. He says his goodbyes, and I kind of feel sorry for him because he can kind of be endearing when he's talking instead of dancing. But it's back to the Jersey Shore with him, to get laid a thousand times a thousand by women who watch the show and love a good pop, lock, and drop.
Real Housewife Ryan once again whines about Arie kissing Emily, calling him "more of a dainty guy", and declaring that this is definitely a cat and mouse game and that he's used to winning. Ryan, take your narcissism and go be on Falcon Crest or something. I'm tired of looking at your stupid perfect face.
Next week, the whole love crew hits it for Bermuda, where we should expect a lot of beach walking and talking by the fire and confrontations happening against unfortunate-looking patio furniture. Until next time, Bach Buds...this is Amber Carter, signing off with these words of wisdom... If the good times ever get too good, just suddenly ask a guy if he feels ready to be a dad.[image error]
'The Bachlorette' Recap: If The Times Get Too Good, We Can Just Talk About Kids Again
Last night on The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter -
Just as a side note though...has anyone else noticed how the opening credit of Emily holding Ricky in her arms and standing in a field against the setting sun looks a little creepy? Like it's the movie poster for "Fields of North Carolina" or some other movie where a mother and her child are all on their own during a depression or wartime, trying to survive against tragedy, harsh poverty, and savage social mores or something.
via abc.com Anyway! Last night's episode was an intense exploration of what it means to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations about being a father and what it means to everyone in the whole goddamn world. It opened up with Emily's mom bringing Emily breakfast in bed in what looks to be like one of the most amazing bed/bedrooms in the world. I paused it to see what kind of food the most perfect woman in the universe likes to break her fast with, and it looks like green grapes, wheat crackers, cheddar cheese, deli turkey slices, hummus, and a bread/muffin-like thing with coffee.
And that, my friends, is why I feel I missed my calling as an crackerjack investigative reporter.
Anyway, Emily and her mom talk about Ricky a bunch while Ricky dances outside Emily's door like a weirdo, and then we go to the guys. The next one-on-one date turns out to be with Corporate Sales Director Chris, who seems sweet but is also really fucking boring. We find out that they're going to climb to the top of a building to their dinner, and it feels like that other season where the producers created risk-taking dates to create unnatural bonds and the inevitable cheesy metaphors about holding on to each other through their fear and overcoming obstacles, blah blah blah.
via abc.go.com Chris keeps talking about kissing Emily and then talks about not kissing Emily, which proved my inner prediction that Chris is the kind of guy who fumbles around during body-slappin' time, constantly asking annoying questions like if this is okay or is it alright to do this or "how does this feel? Is your vagina alright? Do you mind if I just slip in right here or would you rather just sit up or talk...?" Emily, however, lays on her magistical charm and flatters him by telling him that he's so cute that she would be too intimidated to go up to him and talk to him in a regular bar scene, which none of the rest of us believes, but if she feels like spreading love to those less fortunate, who are we to judge her? And then Chris admits to being 25 and Emily starts to question whether or not he's mature enough for her and her daughter.
Then we see Tony calling his little boy at home and talking about how hard it is to be away from him. Yawn. Then it's the group date card, which says, "Let's Play..." and everyone scratches their head and beards and tries to philosophize what "Let's Play..." really means, which makes us worry about the future of humanity as birthed through their gene pool.
Emily decides that Chris is so mature that he actually seems older than her, and then declares that she really likes him, much to the confusion of everyone watching. She gives him the rose, he's stunned, and all we can see is the future desolation and despair that will wash over his face when she sends him packing in favor of the other guys who are also attractive but will not talk repeatedly about wanting to kiss Emily without actually doing so.
via entertainment.time.com And then there's another country music concert, and Emily and Chris dance awkwardly by themselves while the whole town watches, and then people run out into the streets and start dancing with them, and then I went to a place far, far way, where happiness and sunshine are real and horses dance in a meadow and there is no one there to hurt you...no one to torture you with visions of awful things happening in city squares where emotions are manipulated and fake concerts by someone no one has ever heard of are painfully choreographed for Prime Time Television...
Group Date time! Emily shows some pretty great cleavage and her long legs in a "sporty" outfit while the boys arrive at the park. She holds a football a bunch, Real Housewife Ryan tries to give her tips on how to put the "spiff on" any guys who try to kiss her and Emily lies about not making out with Corporate Chris the night before, which was awkward for everyone who knows that she did (she's probably lying about it because she regrets it, though, which I totally understand. I would regret making out with Corporate Chris, too). Sean and Parent Expert Doug decide not to jump on her like a pack of wolves - Did WOLF hear you say that, guys? Maybe you could be a little more sensitive about your negative connotations and stereotypes. Wolf is REAL LIVE PERSON with FEELINGS. - and Emily ditches the guys to go meet up with her gal pals, aka The Mom Patrol and announces that they're going to meet the guys and will have the chance to grill each one on how good of a husband and dad they would be.
Tony plays the "I'm a dad, too" card again WHICH IS SO BORING BY NOW, Jef With One F gets another reminder from the Mom Patrol that he needs to show Emily that he's into her, and Parent Expert Doug once again flexes his deep, deep insight into what it's like to be a Parent Expert. Stevie The Dancing Elf shows his pop and lock dance routine, Real Housewife Ryan does push-ups, Tony renders us all sterile with his "back it up" moves...
And then Sean walks up.
Via abc.com Sean has definitely become the dark horse - we didn't really see anything about him in the first episode, but by now it's become crystal clear that Sean is definitely going to be #Top5. A good old Texas boy who counts faith and family as his two most important things, he's not only got a body that was sent down from the heavens, but he has also yet to say anything that makes me want to throw up, which is a blessing.
Did you get all those puns? There was about five of them dropped into that sentence. Congratulations to me, someone give me a copywriting job at Cosmo.
And then a bunch of kids run out and the guys are set in this really weird situation where they all have to instantly win the trust of kids they don't know by playing with them and pretending to like them, which normally would be a situation for the neighborhood watch or a plot point for an after-school special, but since it's on TV it's considered sweet and fun to watch.
Real Housewife Ryan breaks apart from the pack and goes over to Emily, who's hanging with the Mom Patrol, and says some stuff about how Emily can't get fat if they get married, and then tries to say something about he wants her to be at her best and if people get lazy then there's a problem there, and that he would still love her but he might not love "on" her quite so much. Which is valid, but most of us have learned by now not to say those things out loud, and especially not in front of their friends. Not Real Housewife Ryan, though! Real Housewife Ryan doesn't have to play by your rules, because he's a Pro Sports Trainer and he never goes into a ball game expectin' to lose. Sad news, Ryan - Emily didn't think that was a good move, which means if you're not careful, you're gonna be out of the game. Ryan, of course, confides that he still thinks he's getting the rose tonight. Best leave the thinking to others, Ryan, and stick to the picnic table push-ups.
At the phancy portion of the date, Emily has a hard time being demure in her shiny mini-skirt and has to grab the front hem of her skirt when she sits so her hand blocks her lady tunnel from the prying lens of the camera, which only makes us think "vagina!" even more. Parent Expert Doug fills Emily in on his - totally sad! - background story, which is awful because up until this point I've been okay not liking him but now I feel bad for judging him and now I'm kind of like, "Well, maybe he's not so bad..." so WELL PLAYED, DOUG, YOU AND YOUR SAD CHILDHOOD STORIES.
Meanwhile, back at The Man Ranch, we get to see yet another stupendously shallow side of Kalon The Kracken when he confesses during confessional time that he really hopes Emily has taken enough interest in him..."to plan something really, really over the top for our date." (Sidenote: Does everyone who goes on this show just NOT EVEN BOTHER to watch the other shows? Is there a bunch of Jedi mind tricks happening that I'm somehow immune to? Why is it that every "contestant" fails to grasp the fact that the PRODUCERS plan the dates? Emily obviously had a hand in some of the dates that have happened thus far, but it's obvious from the "let's climb to the top of building in a thunderstorm!" that she's not in complete control. This is fantasy television, everybody. Producers are hired to keep it that way. Get the net.) Oh Kalon. Somewhere inside that shallow, narcissistic, spoiled-little-prince head of yours dwells a sad, angry little boy who did not get breastfed enough as a baby and is now the epitome of douche. Which is okay, because if you weren't like that, then I wouldn't have known the value of the joy I felt when the one-on-one date card was read and it was Arie going on the date instead of you.
And then we're back to the group date, where Tony brings everyone down with his "I miss my son" spiral. And I get it - it's like being homesick at sleepaway camp, where, as soon as you let yourself go to that place, it's almost impossible to get out of it. So Tony does the one thing that could make it worse - he calls his son. We are then treated to one of the more awkward phone conversations I've ever been a witness to. Tony does the whole "I'm talking in a higher-pitched voice because kids are idiots and this is how you talk to them" thing while he asks his kid a bunch of questions like "Do you know I miss you so much? Do you know I love you?" And then he does that gross "forcing affection" thing where he asks his kid if he misses him, so then the kid is forced to say yes, which is always good because what bad could possibly come of purposefully manipulating a kid's emotions to fit your own, right? Finally Emily decides to put everyone out their misery by telling Tony that she knows how painful it is to be away from your child, and that she would never be able to forgive herself if she kept him away from his son when she didn't know for sure if it would work out. Seriously! This woman! Like, can you guys even believe how perfect and honorable she is? And now we don't have to hear Tony talk about how much he wants Emily to know who he is or how much he misses his kid or other stuff that just brings the party down all the time! Hooo-ray for Emily!! Oh yeah, and she gives the date rose to Sean.
via tvrecaps.ew.com And then it's time for Emily's date with Arie! Emily's outfit - striped jersey shirt with cutoff jean shorts and knee-high cowboy boots - cause a serious debate between my domestic partner and I about Emily's boobs, because jesus. Appropriately, they end up going to Dollywood, where they play games and ride on a train and ride a roller coaster and then surprise! Dolly Parton shows up. (Boy, they are really putting out all the stops for this season, aren't they?) Emily's surprise is so genuine and sweet, and Emily and Arie slow-dancing to Dolly's songs is actually not awkward (Arie does the whole kiss-on-the-top-of-the-head thing, which is somehow super adorable, even when done on national TV) which is a first when it comes to the ever-present act of slow-dancing on The Bachelor franchise.
And then they have dinner, where Emily admits that she can't just have fun and enjoy things, but always has to make stuff serious again by talking about kids some more. Will the kid talk ever end. I mean, I understand that finding a partner is the most important thing to Emily, but god. Total snooze fest, right? So we get that stuff out of the way and then Emily tricks Arie by making him think he wasn't getting the rose and then gives it to him and we all breathe a sigh of relief because those two are adorable. And then the scene ends with a "this could be a movie, everybody!" scene where Emily and Arie kiss in slow-motion in front of a lit-up merry-go-round which elicts groans from everyone in the entire world. President Obama will most likely use it an example when he addresses this new rampant, blatant kind of terrorism in his next State of The Union address, though, so don't worry about it if you missed it.
The fire burns at The Man Ranch as they all get ready for the cocktail party and rose ceremony to start. Real Housewife Ryan really hits the nail on the head when he explains that Emily's here for a purpose, that she's wanting more than just a boyfriend, but a husband and a father, too. Try not to drop too many of those brain busters, Ryan...the world may not be able to handle your kind of subtle intelligence. Emily walks in and asks Kalon The Kraken to come with her for a little one-on-one time. Kraken once again makes the world grit its teeth in hatred and revulsion when he takes her arm in his and says, "Gentleman? You'll hold down the fort, won't you?" Let me break something to you, Kraken: You are not living in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. And neither is anyone else. So stop being a totally ridiculous asshole with your boat shoes and fake glasses and acting like it's bragging when you admit that you've never really had to share much in your life.
via glamour.comBut THEN! THE BEST PART EVER! Kracken is trying to tell Emily all about himself - because it's super awesome when you focus on yourself and telling your story instead of getting to know the person you want to date, right? - and she FINALLY manages to get a word in edgewise to ask him about kids. She expounds a little bit on her points, and then HE interrupts HER and says, "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish." Which you KNOW is a line that he's used before and has probably even bragged about its perfection - it's one of those lines that seem to compliment the other person while also putting them in their place but really just insults them more because it's so obviously condescending - to his stupid boring friends. The entire nation of America wants to punch this guy in the fact, but Emily simply puts on a polite smile, nods, and says, "okay." Which is scary in it's own way - it's like your teacher talking really quietly about how he's going to fail everyone in the class if they don't stop talking over the lecture, or when your mom puts her hand on your arms and smiles as she says, "We'll talk about this when we get home" after you've just thrown a complete tantrum. It means that you are about to die.
So then Kracken laughs at his little remark like a total asshole choad and goes on to explain further that his mom taught him that he can't try to control everything, even though he's used to being in control and having everything going his way (aka, he's been a spoiled asshole his entire life). Emily says, "I had no idea that you were like that" in a way that Kraken takes as serious but we all knew was sarcastic, and then Kraken lays down some more parenting wisdom with "But when you become a parent, you gotta let go of that overnight. You can't control anything." Like he's not talking to a parent right now who could maybe tell him what's really up because she's actually a parent. Emily admits during confessional time that she wonders if there's something else about him that she's just not seeing yet. To which America replies, "Um, YEAH." And then drops, "I do like tall, skinny, and funny, but I don't tall, skinny, and condescending." OH, SNAP!
Then Travis, Ostrich Egg Guy, lets Emily smash the egg (nicknamed Shelly. Or Shelby. Or Shaggy. I don't care), which is entertaining only because the eagle-eyed viewer spotted Charlie watching and laughing his ass off from a window by the door of the house.
via abc.com And THEN! It's Emily and Alessandro. In the past few eps, I've been kind of rooting for Alessandro because he seemed like a nice guy. A nice guy with really awful hair, but a nice guy. Emily drops the #1 Question - How do you think you would be as a dad? (because she has a child, everybody! Did you know? Emily has a daughter. I hope that you caught that from watching this and other past episodes). Alessandro begins on shaky ground by saying how he doesn't have a lot of experience with kids, and we're like, okay...not really winning the pageant here, but then he says, "But you're gonna teach me, right?" and a sigh of relief is felt around the world as he gets back on solid footing.
And then he starts talking about that role being a compromise for him, and all the glass in all the world begins to shatter and break, a woman shrieks long and high, the earth begins to shake, and the ground splits open as hot lava comes pouring out of it, melting and killing everyone.
"The compromise would be me as a dad, as a chief in a family," Alessandro tries to explain in his slight Spanish accent. Emily wonders why he sees it as a compromise and not an honor, and Alessandro tries to explain that marriage is a compromise. Once again, Emily tries to save him by asking if he doesn't see it as a bonus, and Alessandro disagrees with her again, and explains that he would have to tell his company "Okay, I can't travel, I can't move locations, because I have a compromise - I have a wife, I have a family." And AGAIN, Emily tries to save him by wondering if there's a language barrier, to which Alessandro firmly replies that there is not, that he is expressing himself right now. And then we see Sean sharing that Alessandro had admitted to her Emily friends that he had cheated on an ex and had a one-night stand. Then we see Emily walking Alessandro out of the house and to a black SUV, and all the women in Minneapolis and St. Paul gathered to discuss ways to raise awareness on how to avoid the Gypsy King (he called himself that. No lie) that is Alessandro.
Seriously, local ladies. Do not let this bad hair nightmare happen to you. Avoid at all costs. You are most vulnerable in downtown nightclubs, high-scale restaurants, rooftop bars, and anywhere that does valet. He will torture you with his odd accent, embarrass you with the weird hairy spider/octopus thing he's got going on up there on his skull, and steal your self-respect at a moment's notice.
Emily is upset, though, with what Alessandro said, so she slips away to a quiet corner with Arie for amazing margarita-like drinks and Arie says something super cute and then hugs her and kisses her on the top of her forehead and then kisses her for real and it's ADORABLE. And the best is that Real Housewife Ryan sees them making out and gets all botoxed out about it since he hasn't kissed Emily yet. Guess that's one ball game you DIDN'T win! HAHAHAHA!
Emily has time with Sean and Sean dazzles her by praising her dad and announcing that if they were to get married, that he would consider Ricky as his daughter. And all the guys punched a hand through the wall because that Sean guy, right?! He's so good! Where did he come from?!
Rose Ceremonaaay! Everybody's sweating, the camera keeps trying to get a better view of Emily's side boob through the keyhole in her dress, and it slowly comes down to Stevie The Dancing Elf and some guy that I don't even know the name of because we've barely even seen him this entire time (Nate? Kyle? It's not important, I guess, according to the producers). Stevie The Dancing Elf got the shaft, probably because Emily knew that she couldn't bring home a dancing elf to her daughter. He says his goodbyes, and I kind of feel sorry for him because he can kind of be endearing when he's talking instead of dancing. But it's back to the Jersey Shore with him, to get laid a thousand times a thousand by women who watch the show and love a good pop, lock, and drop.
Real Housewife Ryan once again whines about Arie kissing Emily, calling him "more of a dainty guy", and declaring that this is definitely a cat and mouse game and that he's used to winning. Ryan, take your narcissism and go be on Falcon Crest or something. I'm tired of looking at your stupid perfect face.
Next week, the whole love crew hits it for Bermuda, where we should expect a lot of beach walking and talking by the fire and confrontations happening against unfortunate-looking patio furniture. Until next time, Bach Buds...this is Amber Carter, signing off with these words of wisdom... If the good times ever get too good, just suddenly ask a guy if he feels ready to be a dad.[image error]
Just as a side note though...has anyone else noticed how the opening credit of Emily holding Ricky in her arms and standing in a field against the setting sun looks a little creepy? Like it's the movie poster for "Fields of North Carolina" or some other movie where a mother and her child are all on their own during a depression or wartime, trying to survive against tragedy, harsh poverty, and savage social mores or something.
via abc.com Anyway! Last night's episode was an intense exploration of what it means to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations about being a father and what it means to everyone in the whole goddamn world. It opened up with Emily's mom bringing Emily breakfast in bed in what looks to be like one of the most amazing bed/bedrooms in the world. I paused it to see what kind of food the most perfect woman in the universe likes to break her fast with, and it looks like green grapes, wheat crackers, cheddar cheese, deli turkey slices, hummus, and a bread/muffin-like thing with coffee.And that, my friends, is why I feel I missed my calling as an crackerjack investigative reporter.
Anyway, Emily and her mom talk about Ricky a bunch while Ricky dances outside Emily's door like a weirdo, and then we go to the guys. The next one-on-one date turns out to be with Corporate Sales Director Chris, who seems sweet but is also really fucking boring. We find out that they're going to climb to the top of a building to their dinner, and it feels like that other season where the producers created risk-taking dates to create unnatural bonds and the inevitable cheesy metaphors about holding on to each other through their fear and overcoming obstacles, blah blah blah.
via abc.go.com Chris keeps talking about kissing Emily and then talks about not kissing Emily, which proved my inner prediction that Chris is the kind of guy who fumbles around during body-slappin' time, constantly asking annoying questions like if this is okay or is it alright to do this or "how does this feel? Is your vagina alright? Do you mind if I just slip in right here or would you rather just sit up or talk...?" Emily, however, lays on her magistical charm and flatters him by telling him that he's so cute that she would be too intimidated to go up to him and talk to him in a regular bar scene, which none of the rest of us believes, but if she feels like spreading love to those less fortunate, who are we to judge her? And then Chris admits to being 25 and Emily starts to question whether or not he's mature enough for her and her daughter.Then we see Tony calling his little boy at home and talking about how hard it is to be away from him. Yawn. Then it's the group date card, which says, "Let's Play..." and everyone scratches their head and beards and tries to philosophize what "Let's Play..." really means, which makes us worry about the future of humanity as birthed through their gene pool.
Emily decides that Chris is so mature that he actually seems older than her, and then declares that she really likes him, much to the confusion of everyone watching. She gives him the rose, he's stunned, and all we can see is the future desolation and despair that will wash over his face when she sends him packing in favor of the other guys who are also attractive but will not talk repeatedly about wanting to kiss Emily without actually doing so.
via entertainment.time.com And then there's another country music concert, and Emily and Chris dance awkwardly by themselves while the whole town watches, and then people run out into the streets and start dancing with them, and then I went to a place far, far way, where happiness and sunshine are real and horses dance in a meadow and there is no one there to hurt you...no one to torture you with visions of awful things happening in city squares where emotions are manipulated and fake concerts by someone no one has ever heard of are painfully choreographed for Prime Time Television...Group Date time! Emily shows some pretty great cleavage and her long legs in a "sporty" outfit while the boys arrive at the park. She holds a football a bunch, Real Housewife Ryan tries to give her tips on how to put the "spiff on" any guys who try to kiss her and Emily lies about not making out with Corporate Chris the night before, which was awkward for everyone who knows that she did (she's probably lying about it because she regrets it, though, which I totally understand. I would regret making out with Corporate Chris, too). Sean and Parent Expert Doug decide not to jump on her like a pack of wolves - Did WOLF hear you say that, guys? Maybe you could be a little more sensitive about your negative connotations and stereotypes. Wolf is REAL LIVE PERSON with FEELINGS. - and Emily ditches the guys to go meet up with her gal pals, aka The Mom Patrol and announces that they're going to meet the guys and will have the chance to grill each one on how good of a husband and dad they would be.
Tony plays the "I'm a dad, too" card again WHICH IS SO BORING BY NOW, Jef With One F gets another reminder from the Mom Patrol that he needs to show Emily that he's into her, and Parent Expert Doug once again flexes his deep, deep insight into what it's like to be a Parent Expert. Stevie The Dancing Elf shows his pop and lock dance routine, Real Housewife Ryan does push-ups, Tony renders us all sterile with his "back it up" moves...
And then Sean walks up.
Via abc.com Sean has definitely become the dark horse - we didn't really see anything about him in the first episode, but by now it's become crystal clear that Sean is definitely going to be #Top5. A good old Texas boy who counts faith and family as his two most important things, he's not only got a body that was sent down from the heavens, but he has also yet to say anything that makes me want to throw up, which is a blessing.Did you get all those puns? There was about five of them dropped into that sentence. Congratulations to me, someone give me a copywriting job at Cosmo.
And then a bunch of kids run out and the guys are set in this really weird situation where they all have to instantly win the trust of kids they don't know by playing with them and pretending to like them, which normally would be a situation for the neighborhood watch or a plot point for an after-school special, but since it's on TV it's considered sweet and fun to watch.
Real Housewife Ryan breaks apart from the pack and goes over to Emily, who's hanging with the Mom Patrol, and says some stuff about how Emily can't get fat if they get married, and then tries to say something about he wants her to be at her best and if people get lazy then there's a problem there, and that he would still love her but he might not love "on" her quite so much. Which is valid, but most of us have learned by now not to say those things out loud, and especially not in front of their friends. Not Real Housewife Ryan, though! Real Housewife Ryan doesn't have to play by your rules, because he's a Pro Sports Trainer and he never goes into a ball game expectin' to lose. Sad news, Ryan - Emily didn't think that was a good move, which means if you're not careful, you're gonna be out of the game. Ryan, of course, confides that he still thinks he's getting the rose tonight. Best leave the thinking to others, Ryan, and stick to the picnic table push-ups.
At the phancy portion of the date, Emily has a hard time being demure in her shiny mini-skirt and has to grab the front hem of her skirt when she sits so her hand blocks her lady tunnel from the prying lens of the camera, which only makes us think "vagina!" even more. Parent Expert Doug fills Emily in on his - totally sad! - background story, which is awful because up until this point I've been okay not liking him but now I feel bad for judging him and now I'm kind of like, "Well, maybe he's not so bad..." so WELL PLAYED, DOUG, YOU AND YOUR SAD CHILDHOOD STORIES.
Meanwhile, back at The Man Ranch, we get to see yet another stupendously shallow side of Kalon The Kracken when he confesses during confessional time that he really hopes Emily has taken enough interest in him..."to plan something really, really over the top for our date." (Sidenote: Does everyone who goes on this show just NOT EVEN BOTHER to watch the other shows? Is there a bunch of Jedi mind tricks happening that I'm somehow immune to? Why is it that every "contestant" fails to grasp the fact that the PRODUCERS plan the dates? Emily obviously had a hand in some of the dates that have happened thus far, but it's obvious from the "let's climb to the top of building in a thunderstorm!" that she's not in complete control. This is fantasy television, everybody. Producers are hired to keep it that way. Get the net.) Oh Kalon. Somewhere inside that shallow, narcissistic, spoiled-little-prince head of yours dwells a sad, angry little boy who did not get breastfed enough as a baby and is now the epitome of douche. Which is okay, because if you weren't like that, then I wouldn't have known the value of the joy I felt when the one-on-one date card was read and it was Arie going on the date instead of you.
And then we're back to the group date, where Tony brings everyone down with his "I miss my son" spiral. And I get it - it's like being homesick at sleepaway camp, where, as soon as you let yourself go to that place, it's almost impossible to get out of it. So Tony does the one thing that could make it worse - he calls his son. We are then treated to one of the more awkward phone conversations I've ever been a witness to. Tony does the whole "I'm talking in a higher-pitched voice because kids are idiots and this is how you talk to them" thing while he asks his kid a bunch of questions like "Do you know I miss you so much? Do you know I love you?" And then he does that gross "forcing affection" thing where he asks his kid if he misses him, so then the kid is forced to say yes, which is always good because what bad could possibly come of purposefully manipulating a kid's emotions to fit your own, right? Finally Emily decides to put everyone out their misery by telling Tony that she knows how painful it is to be away from your child, and that she would never be able to forgive herself if she kept him away from his son when she didn't know for sure if it would work out. Seriously! This woman! Like, can you guys even believe how perfect and honorable she is? And now we don't have to hear Tony talk about how much he wants Emily to know who he is or how much he misses his kid or other stuff that just brings the party down all the time! Hooo-ray for Emily!! Oh yeah, and she gives the date rose to Sean.
via tvrecaps.ew.com And then it's time for Emily's date with Arie! Emily's outfit - striped jersey shirt with cutoff jean shorts and knee-high cowboy boots - cause a serious debate between my domestic partner and I about Emily's boobs, because jesus. Appropriately, they end up going to Dollywood, where they play games and ride on a train and ride a roller coaster and then surprise! Dolly Parton shows up. (Boy, they are really putting out all the stops for this season, aren't they?) Emily's surprise is so genuine and sweet, and Emily and Arie slow-dancing to Dolly's songs is actually not awkward (Arie does the whole kiss-on-the-top-of-the-head thing, which is somehow super adorable, even when done on national TV) which is a first when it comes to the ever-present act of slow-dancing on The Bachelor franchise.
And then they have dinner, where Emily admits that she can't just have fun and enjoy things, but always has to make stuff serious again by talking about kids some more. Will the kid talk ever end. I mean, I understand that finding a partner is the most important thing to Emily, but god. Total snooze fest, right? So we get that stuff out of the way and then Emily tricks Arie by making him think he wasn't getting the rose and then gives it to him and we all breathe a sigh of relief because those two are adorable. And then the scene ends with a "this could be a movie, everybody!" scene where Emily and Arie kiss in slow-motion in front of a lit-up merry-go-round which elicts groans from everyone in the entire world. President Obama will most likely use it an example when he addresses this new rampant, blatant kind of terrorism in his next State of The Union address, though, so don't worry about it if you missed it.
The fire burns at The Man Ranch as they all get ready for the cocktail party and rose ceremony to start. Real Housewife Ryan really hits the nail on the head when he explains that Emily's here for a purpose, that she's wanting more than just a boyfriend, but a husband and a father, too. Try not to drop too many of those brain busters, Ryan...the world may not be able to handle your kind of subtle intelligence. Emily walks in and asks Kalon The Kraken to come with her for a little one-on-one time. Kraken once again makes the world grit its teeth in hatred and revulsion when he takes her arm in his and says, "Gentleman? You'll hold down the fort, won't you?" Let me break something to you, Kraken: You are not living in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. And neither is anyone else. So stop being a totally ridiculous asshole with your boat shoes and fake glasses and acting like it's bragging when you admit that you've never really had to share much in your life.
via glamour.comBut THEN! THE BEST PART EVER! Kracken is trying to tell Emily all about himself - because it's super awesome when you focus on yourself and telling your story instead of getting to know the person you want to date, right? - and she FINALLY manages to get a word in edgewise to ask him about kids. She expounds a little bit on her points, and then HE interrupts HER and says, "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish." Which you KNOW is a line that he's used before and has probably even bragged about its perfection - it's one of those lines that seem to compliment the other person while also putting them in their place but really just insults them more because it's so obviously condescending - to his stupid boring friends. The entire nation of America wants to punch this guy in the fact, but Emily simply puts on a polite smile, nods, and says, "okay." Which is scary in it's own way - it's like your teacher talking really quietly about how he's going to fail everyone in the class if they don't stop talking over the lecture, or when your mom puts her hand on your arms and smiles as she says, "We'll talk about this when we get home" after you've just thrown a complete tantrum. It means that you are about to die.So then Kracken laughs at his little remark like a total asshole choad and goes on to explain further that his mom taught him that he can't try to control everything, even though he's used to being in control and having everything going his way (aka, he's been a spoiled asshole his entire life). Emily says, "I had no idea that you were like that" in a way that Kraken takes as serious but we all knew was sarcastic, and then Kraken lays down some more parenting wisdom with "But when you become a parent, you gotta let go of that overnight. You can't control anything." Like he's not talking to a parent right now who could maybe tell him what's really up because she's actually a parent. Emily admits during confessional time that she wonders if there's something else about him that she's just not seeing yet. To which America replies, "Um, YEAH." And then drops, "I do like tall, skinny, and funny, but I don't tall, skinny, and condescending." OH, SNAP!
Then Travis, Ostrich Egg Guy, lets Emily smash the egg (nicknamed Shelly. Or Shelby. Or Shaggy. I don't care), which is entertaining only because the eagle-eyed viewer spotted Charlie watching and laughing his ass off from a window by the door of the house.
via abc.com And THEN! It's Emily and Alessandro. In the past few eps, I've been kind of rooting for Alessandro because he seemed like a nice guy. A nice guy with really awful hair, but a nice guy. Emily drops the #1 Question - How do you think you would be as a dad? (because she has a child, everybody! Did you know? Emily has a daughter. I hope that you caught that from watching this and other past episodes). Alessandro begins on shaky ground by saying how he doesn't have a lot of experience with kids, and we're like, okay...not really winning the pageant here, but then he says, "But you're gonna teach me, right?" and a sigh of relief is felt around the world as he gets back on solid footing.And then he starts talking about that role being a compromise for him, and all the glass in all the world begins to shatter and break, a woman shrieks long and high, the earth begins to shake, and the ground splits open as hot lava comes pouring out of it, melting and killing everyone.
"The compromise would be me as a dad, as a chief in a family," Alessandro tries to explain in his slight Spanish accent. Emily wonders why he sees it as a compromise and not an honor, and Alessandro tries to explain that marriage is a compromise. Once again, Emily tries to save him by asking if he doesn't see it as a bonus, and Alessandro disagrees with her again, and explains that he would have to tell his company "Okay, I can't travel, I can't move locations, because I have a compromise - I have a wife, I have a family." And AGAIN, Emily tries to save him by wondering if there's a language barrier, to which Alessandro firmly replies that there is not, that he is expressing himself right now. And then we see Sean sharing that Alessandro had admitted to her Emily friends that he had cheated on an ex and had a one-night stand. Then we see Emily walking Alessandro out of the house and to a black SUV, and all the women in Minneapolis and St. Paul gathered to discuss ways to raise awareness on how to avoid the Gypsy King (he called himself that. No lie) that is Alessandro.
Seriously, local ladies. Do not let this bad hair nightmare happen to you. Avoid at all costs. You are most vulnerable in downtown nightclubs, high-scale restaurants, rooftop bars, and anywhere that does valet. He will torture you with his odd accent, embarrass you with the weird hairy spider/octopus thing he's got going on up there on his skull, and steal your self-respect at a moment's notice.
Emily is upset, though, with what Alessandro said, so she slips away to a quiet corner with Arie for amazing margarita-like drinks and Arie says something super cute and then hugs her and kisses her on the top of her forehead and then kisses her for real and it's ADORABLE. And the best is that Real Housewife Ryan sees them making out and gets all botoxed out about it since he hasn't kissed Emily yet. Guess that's one ball game you DIDN'T win! HAHAHAHA!
Emily has time with Sean and Sean dazzles her by praising her dad and announcing that if they were to get married, that he would consider Ricky as his daughter. And all the guys punched a hand through the wall because that Sean guy, right?! He's so good! Where did he come from?!
Rose Ceremonaaay! Everybody's sweating, the camera keeps trying to get a better view of Emily's side boob through the keyhole in her dress, and it slowly comes down to Stevie The Dancing Elf and some guy that I don't even know the name of because we've barely even seen him this entire time (Nate? Kyle? It's not important, I guess, according to the producers). Stevie The Dancing Elf got the shaft, probably because Emily knew that she couldn't bring home a dancing elf to her daughter. He says his goodbyes, and I kind of feel sorry for him because he can kind of be endearing when he's talking instead of dancing. But it's back to the Jersey Shore with him, to get laid a thousand times a thousand by women who watch the show and love a good pop, lock, and drop.
Real Housewife Ryan once again whines about Arie kissing Emily, calling him "more of a dainty guy", and declaring that this is definitely a cat and mouse game and that he's used to winning. Ryan, take your narcissism and go be on Falcon Crest or something. I'm tired of looking at your stupid perfect face.
Next week, the whole love crew hits it for Bermuda, where we should expect a lot of beach walking and talking by the fire and confrontations happening against unfortunate-looking patio furniture. Until next time, Bach Buds...this is Amber Carter, signing off with these words of wisdom... If the good times ever get too good, just suddenly ask a guy if he feels ready to be a dad.[image error]
May 28, 2012
This goes on the wall above my desk.
Today.[image error]
May 27, 2012
May 25, 2012
Talking...talking about stuff...talking about stuff at Ignite...
Ignite Minneapolis happened last night, and with it, my talk on "The Defense of Earnest: OR, Why Twihards Will Be The Ones To Save The Community Rec Center."Disclosure: While "Pizza Parties & World Peace...Let's Do It, You Guys" got the resounding vote from readers, I wanted to do the honorable thing and get permission the comedian whose tweet first sparked the idea into my brain. Sad to say, I didn't get a response from him in time for talk submissions, so I had to go with the Twihard exposition. Not that I wasn't unhappy about it - like I had stated before, I really liked both ideas. But in case some of you were wondering out there why that one was the talk when a talk about pizza parties is such an obvious choice for world domination, there you go.
After the initial "OH MY GOD I'M GONNA RULE THE WORRRRRRLD!" elation at my talk being accepted for Ignite, I quickly learned that preparing to speak at Ignite is one part exciting with three parts stressballs. Crafting a persuasive argument is hard enough - even though I do it almost every damn day on here, leading you, my dedicated disciples, to my personal glorious gospel of reality, coffee stuff, and book crap - but trying to pack one into 5 minutes, and then break it up into 15 seconds increments that match your slides? Total boner killer.
But with the help of the talented Karah, I got my power point presentation prepped and submitted on time, and then spent the better part of the past week editing and rehearsing and polishing my talk. This included a couple hours of timing myself so each point corresponded with each slide perfectly. I really wanted to have the whole thing memorized so I could do most of it without referencing notes, but alas, by the day of, I knew my brainage space would not be able to take that amount of stress.
But I felt good, going in. My points were as succinct as I could make them. The slides were cohesive enough so that if I talked into the next one or preempted the upcoming one, it wasn't going to be a total meltdown disaster. My outfit was a little bit hooker, a little bit casual business person. I was good to go.
When it was time for my talk, I walked down the aisle feeling the same way I feel whenever I did any kind of public performance - speech tournaments, cheerleading routines for half-time (yeah. Those. Shut up), motivational messages or skits at camp, and currently book readings - confident. Jazzed up. Slightly nervous, but focused.
And then I got up to the podium.
And then my heart started racing a gajillion times a minute.
And then I started to lose my breath.
And then my entire body, along with my voice, started to literally shake uncontrollably. As in, "Hey guys, this must be what having Parkinson's is like!" uncontrollably.
It was a total adrenaline rush, and not the good kind. I had this happen to me at a couple of book readings earlier this summer, but with those, I was able to just take a step back, slow my breath, make a few jokes, and then begin. But this was timed! And I had made the mistake of packing so much into those 15 second increments...during practice I had figured that since I usually talk fast, I could power through them or just take a deep breath and improvise. But seriously, it took all I had to just keep steady my voice enough so that people could actually understand what I was saying into the mic that was also shaking uncontrollably due to my hand.
The entire talk is pretty much a blur. I can barely remember anything that I said, except that I tried to make a joke about the Titanic that I had decided in practice was a bomb and should be cut but somehow I forgot about that and it just spilled out of my mouth. And my slow clap mention came about 15 seconds too soon (I had a Rudy slide that was supposed to correspond with it. RU-DY! RU-DY!). Also, pretty sure that the majority of the audience thought that the talk about me defending Twilight instead of the point, which is that even if something seems kind of dumb (and it does), if it's touching off such a rabid spark amongst so many people, it's worth at least examining why instead of wholly dismissing it because we're 2 Kool 4 School.
So after my talk, I kind of blindly walked into the women's room and talked myself down from a heart attack, and then focused on gathering some takeaways from the rest of the talks that I could learn as tools for how to improve. They are as follows -
1) Be your goddamn self
This wasn't necessarily a mistake, but in my quest for trying to get my point across and do it in a way out loud that didn't make me sound like a total moron, I kind of left out some of the personal touches that make my writing and speeches reflect who I am. Mainly, swearing (I spotted some old people in the line going into Ignite, and decided to maybe leave out the swears since old people don't really love the cursing. But then later I realized that everyone else was swearing and it was an event with free beer, so how uptight could The Olds really be, right?). AND, the best talks of the night (in my opinion) were ones that were completely reflective of the presenter's personality. So while I didn't totally fail at this, I could have injected a little more of my essence (gross) into my talk and had a little bit more fun with it.
2) Pack lightly
Next time (Pizza Party next time!) I'm keeping it light. If it takes 15 seconds to make a single point, that's too fucking long. I will also build in time in the beginning to say hello to the audience or make some jokes (aka, squeezing my belly so it looks like it's talking while I proclaim "Pizza par-tay!" in my best Alanna voice) so that I'm not having a total seizure on stage. Also, the presenters that looked like they were having the most fun were the ones who stood off to the side of the screen and made their specific points in a well-rehearsed but easy manner. They didn't go up there and just riff, but it was obvious that they had memorized what was important to hit and then let the rest of it flow naturally. And they spoke to the slides. That was the big thing - I made the mistake of being so tied to the points on my notes that half the time I was just hoping that the right slide was up there because I didn't have time to pay attention to them.
3) Slides matter
The thing that saved me where the slides. Funny ones. Ones that could stand on their own. I'm glad I had enough presence of mind to realize that even if the talk bombed, if I had the right slides the audience would still be entertained, and really, that's all that matters.
4) Fuck those jerks.
There was a lot of chatter going around on Twitter about presenters and the points they were trying to make. A lot of self-righteous, extraneous bullshit. The Ignite audience itself was supremely respectful, lovely, and wonderful to all the presenters. Some peeps from the Twitter audience, however, were total assholes. And this isn't about my talk - I actually had one lovely conversation with a Tweeter who disagreed with my point, but that was actually awesome - it allowed me to clarify further what I was trying to do, and I welcomed that. But for the rest of yous...it bugs the shit out of me when others try to hijack someone's else's bag in order to showcase their own authority on a topic. I've seen this in Twitter chats, also (but that's another topic for another day), but mostly when people are tweeting up events like SMBMSP or Java MeetUp Minneapolis. Yes, you're very smart, but you're not the one up there because you either didn't have the guts, didn't make the effort to try to be, or weren't picked to do so, so let that person have their moment, give them the respect to finish what they're trying to say, then state your opinion in a way that is is helpful and edifying and all sorts of constructive and insightful. Or, shut the hell up until you can learn how to say things in a manner that is not condescending and pretentious. There's a way to gently lead someone to a teachable moment (aka, "Sources make statistics so much more powerful / Am dying to know more on that fact you just mentioned!" vs. "EVERYBODY knows to do this, except obviously you, stupid."). Obviously, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and whenever someone is trying to make a point or persuade others to their point of view, that speaker should be open to and expecting healthy discourse and debate. Note that that doesn't say: If someone is on the stage and that person isn't you, then you're entitled to be an asshole about it. So my takeaway was this - fuck those jerks. I had a little bit of fear, going in, that I was going to tarred and feathered over my topic or what I was trying to say, or that people would do the very thing I was arguing against and dismiss it as a stupid talk about a stupid topic...and while I am glad that didn't happen, I never should have been frightened of that in the first place, because that kind of stuff deserves little to no merit.
5) Say Thank You.
After my final point, I kind of just blindly stumbled off the stage and forgot to thank the audience for their time. Also, a couple of cool presenters made their last slide into a "Here's where you can find me" biz-card-type slide, which was totally cool - if I liked your talk, I'll also probably like you on Twitter or Facebook or your blog. So next time you can expect a big smiling slide of my face and a title of "FOLLOW ME, AND WE SHALL RULE THE WORLD TOGETHER..."
I'm really into themes of world domination right now.
All in all, it was an awesome experience - I'm so, so grateful for the opportunity and so glad for the experience. It was also super rad to get to catch up with so many great people at the awesome afterparty - People of Minneapolis/St. Paul, you rock this jam out.
Thanks so much to the volunteers and organizers of Ignite Minneapolis for putting on such a great event. I was supremely honored to be a part of it.
The End.[image error]
May 24, 2012
All I want is all of these.
As most of you know, sometimes it's as if Kanye and I are the same person. Which is why I was so excited to see that his/my thoughts are now available as beautiful embroidered works of art.And you can pick which tweet you want her to stitch! Homagod.[image error]
