Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 56

Miss you already, love you so much, talk to you when I get back home.

Rainy early morning in Starbucks, capturing the last few moments of internet access before a week of glacial mountains and lakes.

'The Bachelorette' Recap: Curaco is the perfect place to buy some pottery and propose, everybody!

Well, love lovers, last night was the last episode of this season of The Bachelorette, and with it, our very last recap of the season. What am I going to write about now?! Where am I going to get my weekly dose of unrealistic romantic settings and dramatic interactions that are more dumb than dramatic?! Huh? Where do broken hearts go? Do they find their way home?

Last night, we finally found out which man would be the one to make it with Emily before breaking up with her in a few months on the cover of US Weekly and become an insta-dad to her young daughter.

Oh, by the way - did you guys know that Emily has a daughter?

It's the last time I'll be able to make that joke, so just let me have it, mmkay?

For the MOST DRAMATIC FINALE OF THE SUMMER, we got to meet Emily's hot mom, get wise to a surprising plot twist, be subjected to a totally ugly and badly choreographed final rose ceremony, and roll our eyes through another all-important and incredibly interesting After The Final Rose show where the bachelorette and her beloved get real about how hard it's going to be to maintain a relationship now that they're no longer running around on a tropical island.

Just kidding. That's never hard to come down from.

More realism after the jump!



Well kids, last night we found Emily, Jef With One F, and Arie all still Cure-A-Spell. That island must have paid BIG TIME to have everyone stay there for not one product-placement episode, but two.

Apparently it's a rich island. Let's all move there!

Emily's family is at the island, too, which means that both Jef With One F and Arie will be auditioning/meeting them so they can judge whether one is a better match for Emily than the other. I think there is only one or two seasons in the entire history of The Bachelor franchise when the Bachelor's family actually had a straightforward opinion about which Rose Bud they felt was a better match (Andrew Firestone's family, who called it on the gold-digging Kirsten - Andrew's older brother literally took Andrew outside and told him not to marry Kirsten, and the last Bachelorette, Ashley, whose super bitchy sister said straight up that she didn't think JP was right for Ash. THANK. GOD. Ashley didn't listen to her, or she would be stuck in the is-that-a-statement-or-a-proposition talking and hair flopping nightmare that is Ben). Every other time, though, this meet-and-greet is typically an exercise in frustration. The very people who are supposed to be protecting the Bach from making a poor decision often tend to be the ones who are like, "Yeah, Courtney's so great! Go ahead and marry her, even though everyone else in America can see that you would be making the worst decision of your entire life. But we've got your back, buddy."

Thanks for NOTHIN', Family!Anyway. Jef meets the family - sans Ricki, though, because Emily doesn't know if she's ready for the guys to meet her yet - and totally nails is. Arie meets the family, sans Ricki, and totally nails it. Emily's family likes both of them, which frustrates Emily because she was hoping they would help her choose (do you not watch this show, Emily?). So at the end of the day, the only thing this part of the show meant was that, if Emily's mom is an indication, Emily is going to be a really super hot older lady. 

Date time with Jef! Emily and Jef meet on the beach, where they discuss Emily's confusion about whether or not to introduce the two remaining Rose Buds to her daughter. Her initial feeling was to not introduce either of them to Ricki, which was kind of like, "Really? You're still not going to open the gate on that one?"First, it's Emily's daughter and she needs to do what she thinks is best. And I am all for waiting until you know someone is going to be a big part of your life before bringing them into your child's life. I get that she didn't want to introduce both of them to Ricki just to have to say later, "Oh, remember that other guy? Yeah, you'll never see him again." But you also can't control the universe, either, and I think it's easier on kids to get to know adults without the added pressure of "This is your new daddy. Hope you guys like each other!" Jef says as much to Emily, and she decides to bring him over to meet Ricki. That day. That very afternoon. Without telling Ricki about it first.

Seems weird, right? Like you're so worried about introducing guys to Ricki because you don't want to upset her or rock her universe, but then you just bring over a strange guy without even telling her first? Huh.

This was the part of the show where my b-friend and I had a serious discussion over whether or not Ricki might be a...."special buddy." Because...well, because she runs and walks like a backwards duck, and she stares at everything with wide eyes and an open mouth, and pretty much the only sound that comes out of her mouth is a "Hunh." I mean, did anyone else not think this? Not trying to be cruel or mean at all...it just. The more we saw Ricki, the more we wondered if maybe Emily was so protective over her because she has...special gifts? But then Jef came over, and after Ricki was done doing her "Hunh" giggle at every single thing he said, then she actually started talking (using real, actual words and sentences!), and then it was like, "Oh, you're not Special. You're just a really awkward little girl." Which could be a good thing - she might feel so loved and protected and accepted that she is just completely without self-awareness, yeah? Which is good. You almost cringe at the struggle she has ahead of her, when it comes to people comparing her to her mom and her boyfriends asking to come over just so they can try to get a sneak peek of Emily in her bikini. Hard road, that Ricki has in front of her.

Anyway, golden boy Jef totally won her over, which I gotta give him props for - trying to make a kid like you in any situation is tough, but doing it A. In front of her mom/your girlfriend B. doing it in front of a camera while knowing this was going to be broadcast in front of a national audience? Holy shit. I would've broken out into hives.

The next morning, Emily stands on a bridge looking out onto the ocean while she has some thoughts and then meets with Chris Harrison to discuss those same thoughts. Mainly, that she already knows that Jef is "her guy" and that she knows she's going to have to break Arie's heart on their date later that day.
Pretty girls can be sad, too, you know. Jigga what?!

I don't think anyone saw this coming. Especially for those of us who are so jaded from watching previous final rose shows and know how the producers like to edit things up so you think you know who they're going to choose and then they don't, I felt for sure that things were going to be shown as going so great with Jef and then Emily meeting up with Arie and deciding ultimately that, nope, she wanted to try it again with another race car driver. I have to give Emily props, though, for not drawing it out. Even though Alie bugged the shit out of me, I had to respect her for letting Chris go the day before the rose ceremony. Nothing makes me more angry than a Bachelorette who lets a guy go to his knee and propose before she tells him to get lost (looking at you, Deanna Pappas and Ashley Herbert). 

So as Emily tells Harrison, her mind is made up, and she goes to meet up with Arie. Who, by the way, is absolutely giddy about their date, which is just so freaking heartbreaking to watch. He's at some botanical garden, mixing up A LOVE POTION FOR EMILY, when she arrives. They sit down to talk, she starts crying, does a horrible job of explaining herself, and Arie is kind yet upset. I gotta hand it to some of the men of this season - both Sean and Arie were total class acts when it came to getting the boot (unlike Psycho Chris, who acted like he was going to sue Emily for dumping him). All in all, it's pretty heartbreaking to watch, because you know Emily feels awful and you know that Arie is completely heartbroken.

I love you, but I'm not IN love with you.But! Time to get engaged! Emily wears what is pretty much one of the most gorgeous dresses I have ever seen to what is hands down the most ugly rose ceremony backdrop ever created. You are on a TROPICAL ISLAND. SANDY BEACHES. TURQUOISE BLUE WATER. And yet you decide to do the ceremony in the middle of a neighborhood square? WHAT THE SHIT.

Emily, waiting in her gorgeous dress at Pier 1 Imports.Jef shows up, looking H-O-T in his suit, and he does this little pause at the gate before walking up to Emily (which was just...I mean...GOD DAMMIT IS THAT GUY KILLER), and then Emily holds his hands and tells him that she loves him, that Arie didn't even get to meet Ricki (could maybe have done without that part, Emily. Way to nail the stake into Arie's heart even further), and that he was the one she wanted to be with. Jef gets down on one knee, asks Emily to marry him, and then....

Crickets.

For about ten seconds.

Emily just stands there, staring down at him, smiling, not saying anything.

And then - finally! - she says yes.
Let's do this. Let's have sex on national television. Let's give these people what they paid for.And then the gate opens, Ricki waddles out (so weird, right? Like she's being released from an international prison - "go to your mother, Ricki. You are now free. GO!"), and the three of them walk out together, hand-in-hand, in one of the most cheesy Rose Ceremony parting shots in history.

During the After The Final Rose, we find out that Arie was so torn up about Emily's choice that at one point he flew to Charleston to see her. But he didn't see her - instead, he left his diary for her to read.

And then I cut off some of my hair and sent it along with a pair of my underwear! You know, as a keepsake. Of our time together. SO THAT YOU WOULD REMEMBER ME ALWAYS. Ahem.

Emily didn't read it, out of respect for him and Jef, and gave it back to him, much to Arie's relief. Yeah, because that's weird, Arie. I know heartbreak can make you do weird things, but...keep those private thoughts to yourself from now on, okay? That's why they're called private.

Jef comes out, Emily and him kiss and hold hands and talk about how great everything is, and pretty much everyone in the world nods and lets their eyes glaze over as they remember all the other couples that sat there before, kissing and holding hands and talking about how great everything is. Jef is going to move to Charleston, where they will live apart while they plan a wedding (that's right, folks! They are planning a wedding, which is totally different from everyone else who's gone through this show). So that will be fun.

Let's pretend that everything is going to stay perfect.I have limited opinions about whether or not Emily and Jef are going to make it. I thought Brad was a great, great match for her, but apparently that went up in flames, so you can never quite tell. I do think Emily and Jef together is a little bit Beautiful People Overload. Not even just that - besides their genetic perfection and fantastic style sense, they're also both involved in charity work and make the rest of us look like total chumps. For instance, they are planning on going to Africa immediately to build wells and do other humanitarian projects. Seriously! We should all just give up now.

I'm actually kind of sad that this season is over. I know tons of people (aka, my friends and partner) thought that Emily was super boring, but I personally thought she was total pleasure to watch. And now how am I gonna get weekly updates on her great outfits and ridiculous body?!! Hot damn, you guys. I have a total girl crush on that girl.

Maybe I should fly to Charleston and let her read my diary, too....


Up next, on the Lifetime Movie Network...

Grammar jerks and people who have meltdowns over Comic Sans are also generally lame party people.

The past two days I've had specific discussions with two different people about their frustration towards others who insist on correcting the grammar and spelling of others in a public forum.


And then, I saw this FB post by my old pal Jon Hunt, which sparked an interesting and healthy discussion about it. 




And out of it came this comment by Robert Subiaga, which I love:

Johns Hopkins has a gifted ed program called CTY, and they have a manual on teaching writing to gifted teens. In the very beginning it talks about writing having two rules.

1. There are no rules.

2. Whatever works, works.

Now grammar evolved for a specific reason. To make communication better. (Though even then, "better" is a slippery term. More accurate? More artful? And to who? If texting in proper Enlish grammar makes you less likely to be understood among today's tweens, is it better?)

This all means that if communication is WORKING, it is still good. No matter what one might think of it. (Or get mad at it because it's working for others, but not for you!)

The idea of teaching grammar shouldn't be that you're trying to *replace* grammar that's "bad." Not any more than in music, you learn classical music theory to replace three-chord song or big-beat rap sensibilities as "wrong."

You're just expanding the repertoire.

"Good" (that is, officially accepted) grammar has a purpose. It's the most effective form of common, accurate communication across large groups of people. But to lose sight of the purpose--when it's probably being met--as a way to lord it over people is bullshit.

(And you know, if someone wants to point out a supposed mistake, the error usually--like "Let's eat, Grandma" vs. "Let's eat Grandma"--makes a good joke. If Grammar Nazis just became Grammar Comedians they'd have a lot fewer people pissed at them. :))

Here's my two cents: 

It is more important to be kind, respectful, and mindful of the feelings of others than it is to be right. Or look smart. Or be authoritative on a subject. If you feel that someone is harming their reputation, hurting someone's feelings, or making a social gaffe that could negatively affect them in the future, then you should - kindly, and gently - take them aside and privately guide them to the proper form. Correcting someone on a public forum is the epitome of an arrogant asshole. If it's a small mistake that will not, in fact, result in negative consequences? Let it the fuck go. Love people more than language. Care about making others feel good more than making yourself look great. 


The End.

Get "Wild" about coffee. HAHAHA! See what I did there?

Tonight, two of my all-time favorite things are coming together.

First, this book -


Have you read it yet?! If not, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Erica and I even went to hear her speak a couple months ago, which is a nice sequeway into my finally posting a bunch of pictures that I kept meaning to post and then just didn't -
Book reading/signing at Common Good Books in St. Paul, MN
Cheryl is like a golden goddess, reading words from the heavens to your ears...also, my camera phone has a suuuuper sucky flash.
And tonight, one of my all-time favorite coffeeshops, Kopplin's Coffee in St. Paul, MN, will be having a book discussion on "Wild", starting at 6.

You should go! I mean, I know it might be torture...drinking some of the best espresso that you could ever hope to have in your life, while discussing a book that was so incredibly good it convinced Oprah to start a 2.0 version of her book club...but. Maybe you should try, at least. Get flexible. Explore new things. Take advantage of this one life that you have and maybe try filling it with some of the best things that it has to offer!

Just a thought.

But seriously. You should go.

I think it's really important that we all start sexercising more, everybody.

This book is available on Amazon.

Breaking News That Will Change Your Life:

I think I'm going to start saying "bod" more. Like "babe", it's so 80's gross that it's awesome.

'The Bachelorette' Recap: Curacao Is The Perfect Place To Get Your Heart Broken, Everybody!

This week, Emily and her Rose Buds descend upon Curacao!

Where THE FUCK is Curacao? Has anyone ever even heard of this place before? Everyone on The Bachelorette kept talking about it like, "Oh, yeah, of course, it's awesome to be here in Curacao" and everyone else in the entire world was like, "Where?! You're in Kalispell? Morocco? The mythical lands of Cure-A-Spell?" Turns out, Curacao (correctly pronounced "Cure-a-sow") is in the Caribbean and is a constitute of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.

And, surprise! They also paid The Bachelor Franchise to use this episode as a glorified tourist ad because obviously they also get that no one knows where the fuck this place is.



More illuminating geographical and advertising insights after the jump!



This recap is going to be short, since we're at the point now where at least 50% of the episode - the beginning, the lead-in to each date, and the convo with Chris Harrison - is all recap filler from previous episodes. Fun! This is helpful, since we've forgotten every single thing that has happened in the season so far. This is definitely not the type of series where you try to remember stuff like the things that people say or do to one another, since that stuff typically has no bearing on predicting future relationships.

Emily is at a difficult point with each of the three guys who are left. Meaning: She must decide tonight whether or not she's going to do the hibbity dibbity with each one of them in the Fantasy Suite.

White Sean-y Beaches


While Sean is Emily's golden boy and is pretty much perfect in her eyes, he's still the only one who hasn't told Emily how he feels about her yet. He's the only one who hasn't yet told Emily he loves her. This is incredibly odd and annoying to Emily, since the other two guys have told her this already and everyone knows that people are supposed to move at the exact same pace when it comes to love, especially when your romance is playing out in front of a national audience and the other person is contractually obligated to only say "thank you" instead of admitting their feelings for you, too!

But Emily cannot let it go. Sean must tell her that he loves her.

Which means, of course, that Sean is probably going home.

For those of you keeping track at home, this is a recurring theme during the last few dates on the Bachelor seasons. Most recently, Ben did this to...well, pretty much every single one of the girls whose name wasn't Bitchface Courtney. The Bachelor or Bachelorette is anxiously awaiting for one of the Buds to open up to them - to open their heart, to get closer, to say those three little words - because they just can't move forward until they get that from them. And then they push and lead the Bud into it, and then, surprise! Thanks for spilling your guts, please accept this chartered ride back home.

Sean, on his end, knows that his feelings are real and strong, and like an actual person, he's decided to just wait until the moment feels natural to tell her. Sean comes close to telling Emily that he loves her while they're having their beach date, but doesn't, and Emily looks irritated. Because it's totally okay to want someone to say that to you when you can't say that back, right? And it's totally expected that it would be easy for someone to say that after a completely orchestrated series of weeks getting to know each other in an artificial and heavily-produced environment, yeah? And Emily is mystified - she feels like there's just something in him that just will not let him go there yet.

Maybe...like...the fact that he could say it and then just get dumped right after? Maybe something like that?

Great things about the date:

* Emily knows how to wear a freaking pair of shorts. Like, WHOA.
* Emily knows how to wear a freaking bikini. WOWZA.
* Even though it's none of my business, I really, really want to know if Emily's had a boob job. Because if she hasn't, it's proof positive that God loves her more than all of us.
* Sean wrote THE SWEETEST letter ever to Ricki. It wasn't gross or icky or presumptuous or anything! It was full of the perfect things to say when you're dating a child's parent.

So Sean confesses his love to Emily. And this is probably the one moment that I've not liked Emily, because she just eats it up, and it feels like she didn't want to hear it because she feels the same way...she wants to hear it because it's just good to hear.

They decide to accept the key to the Fantasy Suite, but much like Emily did with Brad during his season, she explains that while she would love to spend more time with him, she doesn't feel comfortable spending the night. Even though Sean is super hot and they make out a bunch in the hot tub. Even though both of them obviously want to make the most of out of the "fantasy" portion of the Fantasy Suite. But Emily is a lady and Sean is a gentleman, and they end the evening kissing at the door, and Sean saying that he knows that she's going to be his wife someday.

Sigh.

Jef & Emily Are On a Boat!

Jef With One F and Emily cruise around the well-known island of Cure-A-Spell and talk a bunch about their families again. BOOOORRRINNNGGG. Leave that stuff back at the hometown dates, you guys. THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FOR!

Jef has some questions, though, because in case you haven't noticed, this isn't all about Emily. Jef has a life, too, you know. So he wants to know more about Emily and Riki and how that will all work. As usual, it's obvious from their conversation that it will work perfectly, because if you love kids and the love of your life has a kid, it's bound to be perfect, right? You can solve all the unknowns with a conversation before ever even meeting the kid, you guys!

Emily looks great in a bikini again, and her and Jef jump into the water a lot, and at one point she wraps her legs around him while they're in the water, and it's kind of hot, but the two of them together still kind of makes me think of a hot teacher having sex with her student. Jef and Emily's date is so perfect that Jef feels like he honestly couldn't have planned a better date! Which is easy to say, when you're jumping off cliffs into tropical beaches instead of going to Costco on a Saturday afternoon, but whatever! It was perfect. 

But now comes the hard stuff - hypothetical questions over a candelit meal that no one ever eats. Where would they live if they were together? What would their life be like? Would it be super perfect, or only pretty perfect?

The Fantasy Suite subject gets brought up, and Jef With One F TURNS IT DOWN. In a totally gentlemanly way - he explains that out of respect for Emily and his family, he doesn't feel comfortable spending the night together, especially since, in his mind, they had the rest of their lives to spend every night together (hopefully he doesn't regret it later. I respect Emily, too, but...there are times in every human's life when they ask themselves...why didn't I at least try to see that person naked? This might be one of those times for Jef). Emily is impressed by this, though she secretly wanted to be the one to turn him down.

Not spending the night doesn't mean they can't make out in the suite, though, which they do. A lot. And then Jef actually says that right now is the time to "bridle these passions."

He said that. Without an ounce of irony.

He is TOTALLY a Mormon, you guys.

Arie Feels Like Emily Saves Good Dates For Him. Which Makes Us Doubt His Intelligence. 

On their date, Arie and Emily swim with dolphins. And make out a lot, even though that is TOTALLY GROSS FOR THE REST OF US TO WATCH. Emily loves kissing Arie, though! So they do it a lot. A lot a lot. OMG, so much a lot.

The kissing is so good, according to (only) Emily, that she doesn't even trust herself to give Arie the chance to accept a Fantasy Suite invitation after their candlelit dinner which they once again don't eat and their conversation about a bunch of boring stuff that won't matter until they're actually back in the real world. She doesn't even bring it up! Which is unprecedented, you guys. No one in the history of the season has declined to invite someone to the Fantasy Suite. Or, has totally ignored that it's the entire point of the episode and doesn't even mention it to the other person. She must be really horned up for this guy, everybody.

Let's Talk Some More About Stuff That Has Already Happened

It's time for Emily to sit down with Chris Harrison and rehash every single moment that we've already witnessed. Emily cries a bunch, and even though it's kind of annoying, we also know that it would be hard to be in that position - all three of these guys are great in their own ways.

And to make it even easier, each guy made a private video message for Emily that we all get to watch! There's nothing to really say about them, except for the fact that all three of them totally bare their souls and tell Emily how much they love her. The one that's the most perfect is Sean's - it's so genuine and sweet and perfect and natural. And golden, just like him. 

So the rose ceremony happens. And guess which Rose Bud she cuts loose.

I guess when you're really pushing for someone to tell you they love you, what you're really hoping for is for them to give you the go-ahead to break their heart.

Sean took it like a champ, even though my stone-cold, blackened heart was breaking for him, too. I really do think, out of all three guys, that Sean would have been the best fit for not only Emily, but for her daughter. Even his family - Emily and Ricki would have fit so seamlessly into that dynamic. I think Emily has really great chemistry with Jef, and I think she and Arie definitely have a connection on both a physical and mental level, but I think Sean would have been the most perfect for her, in terms of long-term partnership and family-building.

So he leaves, and everyone cries, and it's super sad, because Sean acts like a perfect gentleman even though he admits to feeling embarrassment over admitting everything he did when it all it got him was heartbreak and we all just kind of want to smack Emily across the head and yell at her a bunch about leading Sean into admitting he loved her when she was just going to break his heart, anyway, and we just want to go to Sean and hug him for a really long time and then we get distracted by her awesome sequined maxi skirt and grey tank top combo and wonder if she puts that stuff together herself or if there's a stylist who finds certain pieces for her and could you maybe get a body like that by doing Yogalates or...?

And then we see a preview for the Men Tell All episode! Which is made to look like it's going to be FILLED with controversy and drama, but we know by now from past ones that it's just going to be a bunch of passive-aggressive comments traded among the Rose Buds and a string of boring recaps. So, yawn.

BUT! That's not all, you guys...it looks like the last episode of the season is going to be the most dramatic television of the summer! It looks super emotional...and super open-ended. They're editing it to look like she's not going to choose either of the two guys left...or that she's going to choose a guy that she already sent home..? None of this is as exciting, though, as realizing during the blooper reel at the end of this week's episode that Arie makes a noise when he messes up that sounds exactly like my cat, Dolores Pookerton Carter.

Chew on THAT until next week.

I-eee-iii...had a feeling that I BELONGED! I-ee-iii...had a feeling that I could be someone...be someone...BE SOMEONE!

The whole Tracy Chapman thing started last summer. Mooselips, the coffeeshop I worked at last summer while up north, had XM radio that we piped through the shop during the day. And, in an incredible coincidence that I know you'll find hard to believe, the XM radio channel we chose was called "The Coffeeshop". On a good day, the channel would play hard-to-find acoustic covers of favorite folk and popular tunes. On a bad day, it would play the same goddamn songs by three artists, over and over and over again: Indigo Girls, Natalie Merchant, and Tracy Chapman.

You can read more about how I felt about this here.

And while the Indigo Girls and Natalie Merchant thing has fallen away, Tracy Chapman has stayed with me. To the point where I wrote this. Also to the point where, on a sunny afternoon a couple weeks ago, I called Randy and left my a capella rendition of "Fast Car" on his voicemail.

Last night we had this conversation:

AND THEN THIS HAPPENED TO RANDY THIS MORNING!


It's like...once you think it, it becomes real.

You belong now, Randy. You don't even need a fast car to feel like you could be someone.

'Bachelorette' Recap: Hometowns Are The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everyone!

This week on The Bachelorette, we got to go to the hometown of each remaining Rose Bud (Lumpy Space Princess Chris, Jef With One F, Arie, and Sean) to meet their families and pretend-sweat it out over whether or not they'll approve or Emily.

And yes, it was just as boring as it sounds. 

More riveting details after the jump!


Chris Is Polish & From Chicago. Yawn.

So there was a lot of that, and then we meet Chris in Chicago, where he feels "in his element" and is excited for what he is sure is to be "one of the most important days" of his life. And then I fast-forwarded through a date with him and Emily because he bugs me and I almost can't stand to look at his face.

But I decided to watch the stuff with his family. Basically, his father belongs to the Polish mafia, his sister is a bitch, his mom is cool, they dance to a live traditional Polka band every night before bed, and their dining room table only has enough chairs for one side. The End. 

Oh! And his dad decides to lie to Chris about Emily telling him during their "Let's Talk About Chris" conversation that she's falling in love with Chris, which Chris totally believes, despite Emily's contractual obligation to not say the "L" word to any of the guys (except that she kind of sort of breaks that later, but anyway!). So that was fun.

Chris' father. The Sister Wives of Holmstead Ranch

And then it's Mormon Time in Utah with Jef With One F! Emily meets Jef at his family's "ranch" in St. George, Utah, where Jef & Emily shoot at clay pigeons (hilarious moment of the episode - Emily "pretends" to "have no idea how to hold a shotgun", and then ends up shooting every target perfectly). Emily is extra-nervous to meet Jef's family, since he told her in Prague that he once broke up with a girl because his family didn't like her. Jef tells her not to be nervous, especially since his parents won't even be there - his parents are in South Carolina. Doing "charity work"...

DID ANYONE ELSE CATCH THAT TOTALLY OBVIOUS VOICEOVER DUB WHEN HE SAID THAT?!

I'm pretty sure that he said "mission work" originally, though he could have said the name of the organization his parents were doing "charity work" with, and that's why they had to voice over dub it, but still. Anyway, Jef has already talked to the press about his Mormon roots and confirmed that his parents are doing mission work with the LDS church and that, even though Jef was raised Mormon, he's just not "practicing" right now.

And then we think, "Who cares?" According to the ads on the radio, even black skatingboarding artists are Mormons now! And you gotta admit...those Sister Wives are actually pretty nice people.

So anyway, Emily meets Jef's two sisters, his brother and his brother's wife, who are all really nice, despite the fact that they seem to only like talking about values and sound principles and fundamentals and super boring stuff like that. I don't think I was the only one who half-expected everyone to break out some bibles and gather in for a prayer session.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.


So then Jef and Emily go and watch the sunset on the cliff of some Utah mountain, where Jef reads her a five-page note about being in love with her. Which...I love Jef With One F, but there's something about him saying he loves Emily that I just don't really believe. I think he wants to be in love with Emily...but when he says it, it just feels like he's lying. But Emily obviously doesn't think so, and so they make out in front of the sunset, and the camera pans to their full wine glasses just so we understand that this is a fully-sanctioned Bachelor-type makeout.

Arie & Emily Go Dutch

Next up, Emily meets Arie at his hometown in Arizona. Arie shows up, looking super hot (or "stupid hot", as Emily says) as he gets out of his race car and kisses Emily. He takes her on an Indy car ride, tells us more about his family (his dad has won the Indy 500. Twice. And his family is Dutch!), and hopes that Emily won't hate them. Or that his mom won't hate her. I forget which one.


So they show up at the home of Arie's family - his mom is a total bombshell, his twin brothers look like total dorks, his sister is, like, barely even there, and his dad seems funny and nice. They speak Dutch in front of Emily, ABOUT Emily, which is beyond rude but also kind of hot...because, I mean, Arie speaks Dutch. Then Emily and Arie's mom have a heart-to-heart, Arie's dad and Arie have a heart-to-heart, everyone loves Emily, blah blah blah.

I am totally bored with this episode already.

Sean's "Simple" (aka, Perfect) Life

Emily meets Sean in Texas, where they have some alone time together. Emily gushes about how easily Sean's Everyday Life would blend into her Everyday Life, and to be fair, it's kind of true: If there were any two more golden people in the world, we have yet to find them. Sean shares that he doesn't really open up to girls very often, and hasn't really developed strong feelings for the women in his past. Which kind of gives me pause...I feel like Sean is perfect for Emily, but there is something there that does seem to be holding him back.


 Apparently, the "simple" life that Sean's family leads includes a simple existence in a gorgeous house with a bunch of beautiful people. Sean's family is AWESOME - his dad, OMG! So adorable. They're kind of into dorky pranks, though (aka, Sean lives at home! And is a total slob who loves stuffed animals! We're grilling Armadilla for dinna! HAHAHAHA!), which would get super old super fast. But all in all, it was all so...perfect.

Hometown Dates Lead To Heartache

Rose ceremony time! And apparently, no one was expected to pay attention to anything that was happening during the entire episode, since we are forced to watch highlights from all the hometown dates AGAIN. And then Emily starts crying, because she has to send someone home tonight, and she doesn't want to hurt them OR their families (which actually kind of made me feel bad, too, when she talked about not wanting their family to feel like it's a reflection on them. Emily! Why you gotta be so sweet all the fucking time?!).

"I am ten times the man that those other guys are. Say it. SAY THAT I AM!" But too bad, because Chris gets the shaft. YAY! And then he proceeds to throw A MAJOR FUCKING TEMPER TANTRUM. He acts like, instead of having dumped him, Emily stole from the company bank account, saying stuff like "I'm shocked, frankly. I mean, is there some type of explanation, or...?" while he levels her with a stern gaze, all pissed off. He's so defensive it's crazy. "I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU! HULK SMASH EMILY HEART!" In the car, he moans about not having felt this way (i.e., in love) in a long time...which is heartbreaking, especially since THE GUY IS ONLY TWENTY-FIVE. And then he declares that he's "ten times the man that all those dudes that are still there are." No you're not, Chris. And it's the fact that you think that and then actually say it out loud that makes it untrue.

Next week, it's Fantasy Date time in the Caribbean! Which means that they're all gonna do it! Except for maybe Jef, who might be saving himself for marriage. But wait...I know fully practicing Mormons would wait until the wedding night, but if you're a non-practicing Mormon, maybe you're cool with doing the hibbity-dibbity before the vows?

Tune in next week to find out!

One of my all-time favorite moments on Twitter.

I wish that Twitter showed actual time stamps, because the hilarity of this is the fact that @Jalbus and @Dels jumped in literally TWO SECONDS after @andcowlicks posted her tweet.

I love people. I love Twitter! (And America, in case any terrorists happen to be reading this)