Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 52

I think I just found the inspiration for my new professional portrait, everybody.

via Happy PlaceNow...which one of you owns a pumpkin patch?

Or many large-sized pumpkins?

Or an open field?

Blueprint To Building A Great Life.

Once I reduced some of the negative stuff and cleared it out of my life...

Then it was time to decide what I wanted to fill my life with.

At this particular time, I had both the terrifying reality and the luxury (depending on how you looked at it) of being totally free. I was a free agent - I wasn't tied to a lease, a 9-5 gig, or any other scaffolding that could either provide me with security or tie me down.

I could, basically, do anything.

The question was... what? And where?

So the first thing I decided to do for myself was make a new vision book.

Here's the thing: I'm not a woo-woo sort of girl. I'm a student of metaphysics, I practice meditation, but I'm definitely not your crystal-necklace-wearing, flowy-skirt-rockin', patchouli-stinking type hippie chick. I have two main purposes in life: The first is to use intuition and creativity to transform painful life experiences - both mine and yours - into opportunities for growth and healing. The second is to take the touchy-feely metaphorical stuff and find ways to make it accessible, practical, and meaningful for too-cool-for-school kids like you and me.

Like, with vision books.

The thing with vision books is this - if you're going to build a great life for yourself, you've gotta have a blueprint. I don't believe that the moment you make a vision book, your life magically alters and all of your dreams come true. But I do believe that vision books are powerful tools. It's not a reach to state that there is power in goal-making, and so it's also not a reach to say that when you have a visual representation of those goals, they become more realistic to you.

And when you're having a tough time, when you've just dismantled a part of your life, when the future seems uncertain and therefore a little scary, it is really fucking helpful to have a sort of personal guide book to get you excited about what comes next. 

So I'm going to tell you what I've learned about making my own, and from that you can decide if and how you want to make yours.

In the next post, of course. Kevin and Randy's attention span put together isn't long enough for all of this and all of that in one post.

Think of the children, everybody.

Think of the children.

New philosophy.

Musical mystery.

Way back when, when I first lived up in Hayward, I had my own radio show.

Yeah. We'll just let that sink in for a little bit.

Bet you probably wanna do me now, huh? I know. I get it. I would, too, if I were you and you were me.

Anyway! One of the perks of working at a public radio station was that we often got indie records and demos from local and independent artists. Some of these were great and went into "I know this great new band that you've never heard of so now I'm going to play it on my show and BLOW YER MIND!" DJ rotation. Others went into the "Hey. Someone take this home so we don't have to throw it away and feel bad about ourselves" bin.

One of the CDs that I plucked from the latter bin happened to be a CD by this kid named Jason Bowers. It was DJ/techno/house-esque, which normally isn't my style, but you could tell that he had obviously spent a lot of time working on the CD and sunk some money into it, so I decided it at least deserved a spin on the way home.

It was AWFUL. Horrible, horrible vocals. The music itself...fine. The lyrics were kind of cheesy (okay, a lot) but the vocals. Oof. So bad that I felt sorry for the kid.

There was this one song, though...

See, Kylie Minogue was big at the time, and this song sounded like it was tailor-made for her. And the more I listened to it and tried to imagine Kylie singing it, the more I liked it.

So I kept that track around.

Flash-forward to about ten+ years later.

I'm checking out David Guetta's new CD, and I start listening to "Just One Last Time", featuring Taped Rai.

And I listen to it again, and I'm like...holy shit. That sounds like that kid who sang that "Diamonds In Your Eyes" song.

And the more I listen to the two tracks back-to-back, the more I start to be convinced that Taped Rai is Jason Bowers...albeit fresh off some serious vocal lessons.

So I do a Google search. Nothing - I can't find any modern info for Jason Bowers.

But I also can't find any info on who this Taped Rai person is either.

And so I still kind of think they're the same person. 

Listen to Diamonds In Your Eyes and then listen to the David Guetta track. Do that not sound similar to Jason Bowers? When he hits the high notes?



DID I JUST UNCOVER A SECRET MUSICAL IDENTITY? Did I just solve a musical mystery by holding on to this weird obscure track for ten+ years? 

I think I did, kids.

I think I did. 

And even if I didn't, you still had to listen to "Diamonds In Your Eyes" and feel what I felt when I heard it for the first time, so I still won something out of it.

Like a Pensieve, but for people who actually exist.

So, I do this thing every morning and every night called “freewriting.” It's a concept that was originally introduced in The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, where she proposes it as a prewriting technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, grammar, or topic. It clears the mind and promotes clarity, which then introduces more raw creativity into our lives. While it was originally introduced as a writing tool, it's also been seen as extremely helpful when it comes to meditation, spiritual study, life coaching, therapy, etc. 
Basically, like this girl once said, it's basically a shower for your brain. 
Whether I realized it or not, I've been applying this concept to my life for at least a decade. Especially when trying to work out the emotional stuff. I used to write them as letters to my exes (“Why did you have to be such an asshole all the time? Why did I still love you anyway?”) and then would either promptly delete them or plant the thoughts into some other form of writing. Now they've evolved as sort of a daily check-in and clearinghouse for what I'm feeling and processing through on a daily basis.
And yes, you can call it a journal or a diary. It's basically the same thing.
The difference, though, is whether or not you want to keep it. I kept a log of my freewriting when I lived in the woods last summer, and I am so, so grateful that I did. The beauty and peace and learning that seeps through the words that I wrote then is still astounding to me, when I re-read them a year later. And as I'm going through this particular experience, I want another log of a different kind – I want to be able to go back and see what I was doing that worked and what I was doing that didn't.
And I also want to be able to look back someday and see how far I've come.
But when it comes to other forms of freewriting – like Truth Telling Letters (letters that you write to someone that you need to forgive) or the really heavy, emotional, dark place stuff – I find that it's actually kind of cathartic to delete it. First, it's incredible to just write it out. Whether they're rational thoughts and feelings or not, if they're circling around in your head, they still need to be validated. And there's a certain power in being able to record those thoughts so you can start to take a step back and then reframe it. It never fails that whenever I'm in a dark place and I write a bunch of shit about how much things suck right now, how awful I feel, etc, I invariably start to write a pep talk for myself at the end. It's as if those dark thoughts and feelings are holding me hostage, and once I get them down and out on paper, I'm able to free myself from their shit-talking attitudes and start hearing the things I want to hear. 
Like this morning... I'm in that stage right now where I'm having dreams every single night about him. And dreams with him are the only ones I'm having. And they're awful. They reflect every single shitty feeling I'm trying to work though right now - feelings of being undesirable; feelings of fear that love is always conditional based on how pretty, thin, or successful I might be; feelings of anger that I let myself trust someone who let me down. Pretty shitty stuff, yeah? It's hard enough to confront those feelings in the broad daylight, but then to be trapped in a scenario that illustrates them during the entire sleeping night? Fuck that.
But like most powerful dreams,  I know my subconscious is creating them in order to send me a message. Either I'm not totally confronting these feelings yet and I need to be, or I'm confronting them but still allowing the same ending to happen over and over. So this morning I flipped back the covers, got out of bed, and wrote a few pages describing the dreams and how they made me feel and why.
And here's the thing: It's not easy. Admitting your worst fears is scary and hard and way less fun than browsing Pinterest. But it is true that the sooner you confront your fears, the less power they have over you. And once I do it, I always see the flaw in those fearful beliefs. And then I'm able to turn them around into beliefs that I want to have. Beliefs that reflect a great self-worth, a general foxiness, and the knowledge that broken trust doesn't mean that my trust-o-meter has to be permanently broken...it's just in the shop temporarily for repairs.
So try it. Try it especially when you start to think the same thoughts over and over (“How am I ever going to trust in love again?” "What if I never get laid again and I'm doomed to roam the earth, sexless and alone, for the rest of my days?" etc). When a thought keeps repeating, it's because something about that thought needs to be examined and studied. It's coming from a place that you're either willfully ignoring or don't understand quite yet. And thoughts like those are like bad credit ratings – you can't improve what's there until you understand why.
My suggestion is to try a morning or night freewriting practice for 5 minutes. That's it. Get your thoughts down on a page in the morning or night (whichever works best for you that day. Maybe you do both on a particularly head-tripping day. Up to you. It's not a diet – you don't fail if you decide to do it differently each day) and then decide if you want to keep it or delete it. Don't worry about the content or the spelling or whether you even finish your goddamn sentence...that's why it's called freewriting. It's free form: just get out whatever is coming into your brain. 
The only guideline I really suggest adhering to is this: If it's really heavy stuff, even if you're going to delete it when you're done, try to end it on a positive note. It could be something as simple as “You know what, this really fucking sucks. But hopefully I feel better tomorrow.” You don't have to try to bury yourself in rainbows and unicorns if that's totally not where you are right now. The whole point is to get real with yourself and what you're really feeling/thinking so you can free yourself from it (get it? Freewriting makes you free? GOD I'M GOOD WITH THIS STUFF) and get closer to the stuff you want to be thinking about.
Like, what a total Super Fox you are.
Or, how your life is honestly going to get better and better with each passing day.
Or, how you never realized how strong you were until you went through something like this, and came out winning.

This post also likes pleasuring you as much as it likes being pleased.

So.

Cyber Dating Sidekick is in a bit of a transition (watch this space for breaking news and upcoming details) but I still have a client list that, every once in a while, requires me to hop back on the ol' online dating sites and take a look around.

Recently, this client list included a client within my new immediate geographical area (Hayward, WI).

I didn't wanna do it, you guys. I didn't want to face it...if I just pretended that there's a ton of hot guys online around here ready and waiting for when I feel like dating again...if I just visualize it...then maybe it will be so, right?

No, you guys. No. NO IT WILL NOT BE SO.

This is what I found, much to my (and my client's) chagrin: 

(And be aware: These are all verbatim from different profiles)

I’m really good at household fixer-upers mowing lawn i wipe my out butt
My self-summary i like playing pool, darts,watching tv,getting freaky,making love or just a fast fuck.cuddling while watching tv and having a few drinks. I am softhearted, hot, and horny
The most private thing I’m willing to admit I'm hopeless when it comes to picking up the signs that you like me so just seduce me and then I'll know...... Also I like pleasuring just as much as I like being pleased
I spend a lot of time thinking about...I think of training a lot. spend a lot of time in the gym not for vanity reasons either. I genuinely wanna be a healthy person try to eat right when I can take care of myself. My body is not perfect by any means but it to goal to strive for and one I really enjoy doing. I'm also a very sensual person.

Well. I think we can all agree that these guys have everything a girl is looking for! I mean, one guy even knows how to wipe his out butt, everybody! I've dated hundreds of men, and none of them have openly admitted that to me! And is "making love or just a fast fuck" the new "I like going out for a night out on the town, but I also don't mind staying in to watch a movie"? Who cares!! He's soft-hearted, hot, AND horny!

And why wouldn't you want to seduce a self-admitted totally clueless man? He'll give as good as he gets, girls. (In the bedroom, I mean. Obviously not outside of it.)

See, the thing that guys are trying to do with this type of stuff is the same thing that women try to do when they write all about their dreams for marriage and kids in their online dating profiles: What they're telling you is really just what they want to hear you say.

Which is kind of the secret to all other dating profiles.

Except, not disgusting-like.

Guys, c'mon: save the profile on your sexual appetites and habits for when you're actually about to have it with someone. We already know you like sex. We also know that you kind of want to have some. Right now, even. But much like I tell my lady-people clients when it comes to the exact rundown on their plans and goals for marriage and kids...that stuff is better left for when you actually know a person already. Like, maybe the third date.

When you're still trying to get them in the door? Scary.

But anyway, my personal point to everyone else is...welcome to my new world, everybody. Welcome to the dating pool that I am now a part of. I know these types of profiles can be found in almost any location search, but the difference is, those are usually the rare find. These are the norm.

Which either means I will be making mad profits with profile makeovers, or I will be seriously considering a celibate future rich with erotic fiction and luxuriously-scented water-based lotions.

The Full-Court Press

Step Two: The Full-Court Press
You know what sucks? Breakups. You know what sucks even more? People who can't stop talking about theirs.

(Except when it comes to this blog, of course.)

Here's the thing: We all know that one person who went from Cool to Psycho School when they broke up with someone. The usually calm, collected, and generally rad friend suddenly turns into an emotional rollercoaster – and worse, a public spectacle. If she's not Facebooking sad lyrics from her favorite indie band late at night, she's tweeting bitter, cryptic questions to no one but herself (“Why does love have to suck so hard? Is it even worth it anymore?”) during the day.
No one looks at that girl and thinks, “Someday, when I break up with someone, I want to be like her.”
So let's not be.
To me, there's a fine line between getting real with myself about what I'm going through and subjecting everyone else around me to exactly that. It's about wearing your heartbreak out into the world. Whether it's taking to Facebook about my crap feelings or just going out to the grocery store in my sweats because who really cares now, right, and besides, why should Ihave to get dressed up to go to the grocery store when all I'm going to be doing is buying food to feed my fat face since I might as well eat now since nobody is ever going to love me again!...That shit is tempting, yo. 
Some of the funniest stuff I've ever written has been a direct result of a breakup. I can still remember certain blog posts, Facebook statuses and Twitter updates that I wrote about exes, and they were fuh-ney. And while I gained a certain amount of entertainment from them, sometimes I look back and realize that they were kind of cheap shots. 
(Except the one I wrote about seeing my ex-boyfriend on a street corner and fantasizing for just a second about hitting him with my car while yelling out, "This wasn't anybody's fault!" That is still funny to me. And totally well-fucking-deserved.)
For girls especially, I think we have this idea where, if we just cry long and hard enough and make it clear that we're really, really sad, we think that the guy we're crying over will just know and then feel bad and will suddenly show up to take those feelings away. Or we want to send a message that we're not holding up so hot so he and everyone else will know that it's all his fault and he can be the one to feel bad, too. But that stuff NEVER WORKS. Nobody looks at a sobbing messy-mess and thinks, “Wow. I guess I was wrong...I really do want more of that in my life.” Nope.
And I'm not just singling out girls here – it is the WORST to see the hot dude from high school post a bunch of “Woe is me” divorce-type status updates on Facebook. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable for all involved.
And all it does is feed the presses. 
...and not in a good way. 
Probably the best thing I did out of all of this was keep things pretty quiet for the first few weeks. I told my best friends, but other than that, I either just didn't tell people or I asked them to please help me keep it as quiet and private as possible. Mainly because there are few things worse than not only having to sort through and understand why things ended yourself, but now feeling obligated to explain it to everyone else, too.
You know that feeling - where it comes up in conversation, and there's no good way to lie or avoid the topic, so you just say, matter-of-factly, "Yeah, we broke up" and then that person wants to hear all the intimate details and backs you into the corner with uncomfortable questions and you know they just want to hear all about it so they can go back and talk to all their friends and analyze what you're not saying and what really happened between the two of you? 
Yeah. It sucks.
(And for the record, when someone you know has broken up with someone they loved...don't be that guy. It's none of your business. If they want to talk about it, they will. Otherwise, tell them you're sorry to hear their sad news, and then move on to a different topic of conversation. Just because they're broken up doesn't mean the details of their relationship are now public information. It's not your job to be their therapist - it's your job to buy them another drink and be the friend who makes them feel better, not worse)
I didn't want to give any more fodder to the rumor mill or the speculation fields when it came to the demise of my relationship, because that kind of stuff really doesn't serve anyone. I don't want people to say mean things about him. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want people speculating on what happened. If anything, I simply want this to be a feel-good story about two people who loved each other but ended up going their separate ways because it was the right thing for them, and both of us coming out better for it. And isn't that really what all breakups are (or should be) about? Even if they're angry and bitter and hurtful at first, it's always about two people going their separate ways because one or both simply felt it was the right thing for them. So let's just leave it at that. 
The point is, no one wants everyone talking about what a mess they've become. 
So don't give them reasons to. 
And it's not that I think people shouldn't talk about their relationships. This blog is proof that it can be super helpful to talk and share about it. But when I think about my friends and the times they've gone through this stuff, I just know that there's a difference between talking about it and takin' it to the streets. The last thing any of us wants to lose after we lose our relationships is more self-respect. So clean up the potato-chip trail leading to your bedheaded self, and let's make some decisions that will support the super hottie hiding under those PINK sweatpants, yeah? 
Also, maybe let's just get rid of the PINK sweatpants, while we're at it. When it becomes the official wardrobe of MTV'S Teen Moms, it should no longer be on your hot, well-adjusted, making-good-choices adult body.
The thing that ties this part all together - from the clean break to not wearing your breakup into the world - is that it helps reduce the negativity in your life .
So you can replace it with the good stuff. 
Cleaning out the bullshit reduces the trigger points. When you surround yourself with negative stuff and people, it's subliminal permission to start engaging in that kind of behavior, too.
So I wanted to cut it all off at the pass. I decided that I didn't just want to engage in negative, hey-this-feels-like-crap behavior when it came to my ex...but when it came to anyone and anything. 
And like I said before - Twitter and Facebook and even music in general was starting to touch off some of those feelings, even when those things no longer had anything to do with my ex. So much like I did a few months ago, I worked on clearing out those negative fields.
I stopped following the people whose updates and statuses were constantly bitchy, whiny, or just plain boring. I gave a heave-ho to the starfuckers, too. And eliminated the people who, for whatever reason, simply and consistently struck up a negative feeling inside whenever I read something of theirs. Like the guy who is constantly asking his followers for ideas on his next interview, but has never once personally engaged back after giving him about 20 great suggestions (half of which he's actually used). Or the girl who is, quite frankly, kind of a bitch to me whenever we see each other in public. Or the self-righteous “I'm a national industry leader” kid whose updates are for the sole purpose of correcting others so as to further position why she's better than everyone else. 
I just simply decided that I didn't want that shit in my life anymore. 
And I gotta say...it felt (and still feels) great.
Every tiny little step we take towards clearing out the negative and emphasizing the positive is actually monumental, when you step back and add them all up. It's not about sticking your head in the sand and refusing to get real...it's about making decisions that support self-worth. We can't control the world or how life is going to sometimes make us feel. But we can control our immediate environment and actively set it up so that it consistently makes us feel great. 
All the time. Not just when we need it most, not just when we're in the mood to feel good again, but is constantly, consistently filling us up on days when we need it and days when we don't even have to think about it.
This week I'll be telling you more about what I decided to replace the shit stuff with. Because that's the fun part, right? When you lose the crap, you have more space and room for the good stuff. And this is the part where I kind of get out of the "breakups are hard" type-posts and into the "Shit yeah, life can still be awesome" type-posts. 
And thank god for that, right? Let's get back to the awesome.

Happy Anniversary, Kris & Becky!

To commemorate your 5th Anniversary of wedded bliss, let's look at some pictures of me at your wedding.

I think everyone can probably agree that it won't just be the memories of that special day that will last forever...it will also be the fact that I look really great in in brown satin.

And your love for each other too, I guess.

Back in action.

Welcome back to life (my life) in the hinterlands, everybody.

Love is love.

Got my #ForAll rings in the mail yesterday, courtesy of Zeus Jones. These rings symbolize support for marriage equality. I'm wearing one like a mother and passing the other one on to encourage those in my life to vote against any amendment that limits the freedom to marry.