Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 48
December 3, 2012
That being said... Maybe Not Monday: The You're Under Arrest For Being a Dick Edition
Pretty sure this guy is gonna get fired.
Easy - yet radical, considering how many people do this sort of stuff - tip for today: Don't post pictures of you that relate in any part to your place of employment. It's okay to talk about it in your profile if you're doing it in vague terms, but c'mon - you don't know the people who are reading your profile. I still get shocked and scared as fuck when someone I know tells me they ran across my online dating profile. And those are people I know.
If you MUST post a photo of you in uniform or in action - like, say, you're a hottie fireman or in another line of work that chicks dig - then at least be smart enough to blur out any identifying details. And also, don't be a dick, huh? When you work with the public, you have NO IDEA how many people recognize you and for whatever reasons. So make sure they recognize for the right reasons, and not because you're that one guy who admitted to using his position as an officer to harass people for their political affiliations.
Seriously. Way to make even more people mistrust the public corps whose line of duty is to protect and serve. Nice work, douchebag.
For more illuminating thoughts on public servants, feel free to follow me on Facebook and Twitter. Pinterest if you're crafty.[image error]
Maybe Not Monday: A Manifesto on Online Dating (Blogger) Fails
Earlier tonight, I was strolling through some assorted websites and Tumblrs whose subjects are mainly online dating Fails. There's a lot out there. Some of them are super popular, and a few of them are pretty hilarious. Most of them post profile captures that make you question your faith in humanity (and, personally, really strengthen my belief that there should be as many free or low-cost birth control options out there as possible).
I had bookmarked a couple of posts from these sites that were especially hilarious, and once I started to do that, I started to question if I shouldn't also reblog this one or that one. A few particular ones were posts where just reading their words filled me with fury (like a guy who bragged about wearing a sweatshirt that read, "Stop abortions, kill sluts") and others where I thought to myself, "I wouldn't even have to write a post about you. You just entirely dig your own grave."
But then I started to feel like...if I posted that stuff on here, it wouldn't ring true with some of the other stuff that I'm trying to. For example: There was a video that was going around yesterday of this girl and her mom and it was one of those ridiculous YouTube journal videos that was just awful and kind of sad in its total blatant stupidity and backwardness, and I thought about sharing it to Facebook, and then I was like, "Why? So other people can make fun of this girl and her mom?" And that's kind of how I felt about the majority of the posts from the blogs I mentioned above. There's a disquieting trend I found while scrolling through them: A lot of it kind of takes on the same feel that revenge porn type sites (I'm not going to link to them, because they're awful and disgusting and I support the free internet more than most, but to me that kind of shit crosses the line) have - a sort of uncomfortable tone of invading someone's privacy and opening them up to public mockery just because we can. There's especially something about posting a guy or girl's profile pic with the profile excerpt that makes me cringe. I know when you post stuff on the internet- and online dating sites in general - it's basically public domain (all you really need is a fake username and profile to access the online dating stuff), but c'mon. The people who are on those sites should still be entitled to a certain amount of privacy. Even sites that post screen captures of ridiculous Facebook status updates at least give the courtesy of blurring out the names first, yeah?
Online dating is tough as it is. And checking out some of these "Awful Ok Cupid" sites...kind of made me a little sick to my stomach. One poor guy got totally slaughtered by a blogger, and it's obvious from his pictures that he's never gotten laid or probably has even been on a date in his whole life, and it was kind of like, "Jesus, lady. He's trying." And I guess I don't really wanna do that here? Because I know I can be cutting. And I can definitely give someone the business if I feel like someone is asking for it. But it's interesting, finding that line: What's brutal honesty for the sake of entertainment (and maybe education) and what's just plain bullying? You know?
My intent for Maybe Not Mondays is to use it as a vehicle that showcases poor online profiles in order to better teach how to craft great ones. My intent is not to use it as a vehicle to humiliate people, which is why I will rarely if ever post a picture with a corresponding profile (I'm not going to say never. There's a couple that I will, but I think you'll get why when you see the posts). It will call out douchebaggery, it will probably spotlight stupidity, but I can also say that I generally only pick out the guys and girls who should know better - are older, have had some experience, are spammers, or, in the case of a past one, are fully aware that they're coming off as an asshole and are unapologetic for it.
I guess my point is: My intent with Maybe Not Mondays is more, "Hey guys, here's an example of a profile that falls into the trap of ___ and ___, and here's you can do better" instead of "Look at THIS fucking guy!"
But I don't always know, right? So I'm counting on you, gentle readers, to give me that gentle nudge if things get too mean-spirited. I mean, I'm not going to stop being myself...I'm not going to ask everyone to bring it in for a hug every week, but you know what I mean. Let's just do some good with the blogging and online dating stuff, yeah? Shed some light, learn some stuff! Be of service to those who may not have a fucking clue about what they're doing. And let's do it without being bullies or jerks or - worse - all cheese-dog about it.
Right? You feel it. It's coming through to you. That's love, that you're feeling right now. Love. Feels good, doesn't it? Yeah. I feel it, too.
I had bookmarked a couple of posts from these sites that were especially hilarious, and once I started to do that, I started to question if I shouldn't also reblog this one or that one. A few particular ones were posts where just reading their words filled me with fury (like a guy who bragged about wearing a sweatshirt that read, "Stop abortions, kill sluts") and others where I thought to myself, "I wouldn't even have to write a post about you. You just entirely dig your own grave."
But then I started to feel like...if I posted that stuff on here, it wouldn't ring true with some of the other stuff that I'm trying to. For example: There was a video that was going around yesterday of this girl and her mom and it was one of those ridiculous YouTube journal videos that was just awful and kind of sad in its total blatant stupidity and backwardness, and I thought about sharing it to Facebook, and then I was like, "Why? So other people can make fun of this girl and her mom?" And that's kind of how I felt about the majority of the posts from the blogs I mentioned above. There's a disquieting trend I found while scrolling through them: A lot of it kind of takes on the same feel that revenge porn type sites (I'm not going to link to them, because they're awful and disgusting and I support the free internet more than most, but to me that kind of shit crosses the line) have - a sort of uncomfortable tone of invading someone's privacy and opening them up to public mockery just because we can. There's especially something about posting a guy or girl's profile pic with the profile excerpt that makes me cringe. I know when you post stuff on the internet- and online dating sites in general - it's basically public domain (all you really need is a fake username and profile to access the online dating stuff), but c'mon. The people who are on those sites should still be entitled to a certain amount of privacy. Even sites that post screen captures of ridiculous Facebook status updates at least give the courtesy of blurring out the names first, yeah?
Online dating is tough as it is. And checking out some of these "Awful Ok Cupid" sites...kind of made me a little sick to my stomach. One poor guy got totally slaughtered by a blogger, and it's obvious from his pictures that he's never gotten laid or probably has even been on a date in his whole life, and it was kind of like, "Jesus, lady. He's trying." And I guess I don't really wanna do that here? Because I know I can be cutting. And I can definitely give someone the business if I feel like someone is asking for it. But it's interesting, finding that line: What's brutal honesty for the sake of entertainment (and maybe education) and what's just plain bullying? You know?
My intent for Maybe Not Mondays is to use it as a vehicle that showcases poor online profiles in order to better teach how to craft great ones. My intent is not to use it as a vehicle to humiliate people, which is why I will rarely if ever post a picture with a corresponding profile (I'm not going to say never. There's a couple that I will, but I think you'll get why when you see the posts). It will call out douchebaggery, it will probably spotlight stupidity, but I can also say that I generally only pick out the guys and girls who should know better - are older, have had some experience, are spammers, or, in the case of a past one, are fully aware that they're coming off as an asshole and are unapologetic for it.
I guess my point is: My intent with Maybe Not Mondays is more, "Hey guys, here's an example of a profile that falls into the trap of ___ and ___, and here's you can do better" instead of "Look at THIS fucking guy!"
But I don't always know, right? So I'm counting on you, gentle readers, to give me that gentle nudge if things get too mean-spirited. I mean, I'm not going to stop being myself...I'm not going to ask everyone to bring it in for a hug every week, but you know what I mean. Let's just do some good with the blogging and online dating stuff, yeah? Shed some light, learn some stuff! Be of service to those who may not have a fucking clue about what they're doing. And let's do it without being bullies or jerks or - worse - all cheese-dog about it.
Right? You feel it. It's coming through to you. That's love, that you're feeling right now. Love. Feels good, doesn't it? Yeah. I feel it, too.
December 1, 2012
So it looks like I'm pretty into antlers this year, everybody.
Tonight my family actually got our act together and exchanged Christmas lists, all at the same time, all by the requested deadline. This is revolutionary for the main fact that A. for once it wasn't me bugging everyone else to get their lists done. B. I was the last person to get my list in this year.
While updating my Amazon Wish List later this night, I started noticing a trend.
From prettymod (a local - Minneapolis - artist!)
prettymod (I asked for the one in silver leaf)
Antler ring, via obaz.com
Deer Head from Z GallerieAnd that's just the stuff I decided was realistic enough to put on my Christmas list.
So I guess we all know what this means, huh, guys? It means that a widespread panic for the antler trend is just on the horizon. Get ready for the hipsters to rock out and thus ruin all things antlers in around 5.2 seconds.
I'm still getting you that sweater, though, Dave. And you're gonna wear it whether it's still cool or NOT.
While updating my Amazon Wish List later this night, I started noticing a trend.
From prettymod (a local - Minneapolis - artist!)
prettymod (I asked for the one in silver leaf)
Antler ring, via obaz.com
Deer Head from Z GallerieAnd that's just the stuff I decided was realistic enough to put on my Christmas list.So I guess we all know what this means, huh, guys? It means that a widespread panic for the antler trend is just on the horizon. Get ready for the hipsters to rock out and thus ruin all things antlers in around 5.2 seconds.
I'm still getting you that sweater, though, Dave. And you're gonna wear it whether it's still cool or NOT.
November 30, 2012
Sometimes, on Friday nights like this one...
When I don't have anything planned, none of my friends are coming up to visit, and all of my three friends here are either gone or busy...
...I like to stand here, at my kitchen window, and watch people coming and going out of Anglers.
And sometimes, if I'm really lucky, there'll be a heated conversation or a lover's quarrel later during a smoke break or something!
Help me.
Please, somebody...save me from a winter of more nights like this...
...I like to stand here, at my kitchen window, and watch people coming and going out of Anglers.And sometimes, if I'm really lucky, there'll be a heated conversation or a lover's quarrel later during a smoke break or something!
Help me.
Please, somebody...save me from a winter of more nights like this...
November 29, 2012
So take your four dollar cups of coffee, your taxi cabs, your blue suits, and BEAT IT!
This guy's a farm boy. You wanna date him? "Online Dating for down to earth singles is growing across America's Heartland coast to coast!FarmersOnly.com is a dating site like no other. We exist because, the way we see it, there are basically two groups in America. Group one revolves around four dollar cups of coffee, taxi cabs, blue suits, and getting ahead at all costs in the corporate world. If you fall into this group then FarmersOnly is not where you want to be dating online. There are plenty of hard to trust dating sites out there for ya though! Group two enjoys blue skies, living free and at peace in wide open spaces, raising animals, and appreciating nature. We understand the meaning of Southern hospitality, even if we don't all live in the South. This group makes up America's Heartland – the slice of America with good old fashioned traditional values, values that were never lost by the farmers of our country. These values have also been preserved by the cowboys and cowgirls who still live on the edge, nature lovers who don’t take the outdoors for granted even though it is free, and horse lovers, ag students, and other animal lovers. If you’re in this group and going to be dating online, there is no dating site that comes even close to FarmersOnly.com. And you don’t have to take our word for it: You can check out who is on our site for free!
One farmer told us the story of her frustrations in finding her match. She thought that dating online would be the answer and joined some of the big national online dating sites. What she found was that the city folks that dominated these online dating sites couldn't relate to her lifestyle. They wanted to meet at 9:00 p.m. for a cup of coffee when she would typically be preparing (going to bed) for the next day, which started at 5:00 a.m. Caffeine at that hour was the last thing she needed!City folks just don't get it!™When we looked for dating sites for farmers, we found sites that claimed to cater to farmers, ranchers, and country dwellers, but the majority of postings seemed to be from people living in big cities—if the people were real at all! Just looking at the postings, they sure didn't look like farmers to us! So we built an online dating site that's 100% for farmers, ranchers, and those who can relate to the rural and country lifestyle, and where you can register for free in order to get a feel for who is on our site.
Instead of asking what your astrological sign is, at FarmersOnly.com we ask if you raise or breed alpacas, horses, cattle, chickens, dogs, goats, rabbits, sheep, grow crops, or if you're an organic farmer, student farmer, cowboy, cowgirl, or just a farmer wanna be! How many singles sites do that?!"
Do you get it yet? FARMERS ONLY, EVERYBODY!
Back when I was in high school, I dated a few of what you might call "farm kids" (actually, now that I think about it, the only boys I dated in high school were either farm kids or prep-school city kids). Country was getting big at the time, we lived right next to the rural communities of Goodhue and Ellsworth, and I hated everyone in my own school. Plus, both my grandpas were farmers, so I thought I could relate.
But I couldn't. I still remember the Friday nights when my boyfriend couldn't pick me up for parties or dates until after 8 because he had to finish his chores first. Because I was 17 and stupid and spoiled in the way you tend to be when you're 17, I would make comments like, "Heaven forbid we'd get to go to an early movie for once." (In my defense, that was pretty much the worse of it when it came to me being your high school girlfriend. Unless we were supposed to go to prom together. And then you were pretty much fucked).
So, in a way, I get the need for a site like this. But sometimes, from an online dating consultant perspective, I think sites like this are kind of silly. First of all, you're splitting up the already-slim pool of quality dates to be found online. Second, why don't we just make sites that fit everyone's special life circumstances? How about a EntrepreneursOnly.com? ("If you're looking for someone who understands what it's like to work 22 hours a day to launch a company that will either plummet you into desperate poverty or make you into a multi-millionaire - or both, at different times - then this site is for you!") Better yet, let's do the service of matching the kind of partners that makes sense together...say, Freelancers&CorporateExecs.com - "If you're a freelancer, meet someone who can support you during lean times! If you're a Corporate Exec, meet someone who will assuage that pesky white-collar guilt!"
Mostly, though, the pitch for this site...it's just...well. Stupid. Those goddamn drinkers of four dollar cups of coffee! The NERVE of someone wanting to meet for CAFFEINE at NINE at night! You work in the corporate world? Then you must be a lying, scheming scumbag who'll sell his grandma into the slave trade to make a quick buck during the week and then takes the outdoors for granted on the weekends, even though those outdoors are free! You're a farmer on Match.com? WELL YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A FARMER TO US, PAL! There are TWO GROUPS in America, folks, and you city people are in THE WRONG ONE!
And yes. Thanks to Kevin/@kwatt's recommendation, I am highly looking forward to using some of the profiles on there for future Maybe Not Mondays. Not because I want to make fun of farmers. But because I am about equality.
And if city folks just don't get it, then chances are farmer folks don't, either.
November 28, 2012
Wednesday afternoon.
Toasty warm kitchen, music from "A Charlie Brown Christmas" being piped into Main St. (a.k.a. outside my kitchen windows), and all afternoon to blog and write. Happy.
It's pizza.
I found this by Googling "Bearded man, pizza." A few nights ago I had a dream about @doubleasterick where we were hanging out outside The Depot and he was trying really hard to get me to have a pizza party at the place down the block for my birthday. "You gotta try that place, Amber! You gotta go there, and bring ALL your friends, and you have to go, like, NOW." And the whole time I was like, "Whoa, this guy is really passionate about pizza!" and then I realized that he mostly just wanted me to have a pizza party there so he could come and eat pizza with his friends and then I could tell the place it was my birthday and everyone could eat for free.Which is, you know. Pretty much how everything in my life is going at the moment.
Even though - and I feel like I shouldn't have to say this, but I'm going to, anyway - I totally would do that, even in real life. Use my birthday to get free pizza, I mean. Because, hey. Free pizza.
November 27, 2012
November 26, 2012
Maybe Not Monday: The Please Tell Me More About You While I Tell You More About Me Edition
For today's Maybe Not Monday, we have not one, but two supreme examples:
The first is how NOT to conduct a conversation. Of any kind. But more specifically, on an online dating service.
The second is how to handle it when this happens to you.
Observe...
From Mark to Abbi:
Hi Gorgeous, Please permit me to address you, with direction from my heart. I am mark and I stumbled on your picture and I am glad for once in my life that I am Stumbling lol. If only you know what I mean. Your picture is very captivating and you left me with little or no option than to stop by and send you an email. I believe in the saying that you can't meet better friends if you don't meet stranger, By the way I admire your profile a lot. I'll be glad if you can respond to my message. Until then. have a great day.
Mark
First of all, the best we can say about this message is that it's a form letter. There's a great line in a great movie ("John Tucker Must Die") where the main character, Kate, tells Tucker's other girls:
Does he always use pet names like "Baby" and "Sweetheart?" Yeah, it's not out of affection, it's so he won't mix up your names.Ladies, the same goes for online dating. Even though he technically doesn't know your name, nine times out of ten if a guy starts out a message using a pet name for you without even knowing you yet? He's using a form letter at best, and is a scammer at worse.
Also, check out the rest of message, will ya? I sincerely hope, for his sake, that English is not his first language, otherwise...oy. Imagine dating a guy who writes shit like, "Please permit me to address you, with direction from my heart", much less speaks like it. Gross.
From Abbi to Mark:Hi Mark,
Thanks for your compliments! I'm curious about what you admire about my profile. Hope your day is going well!
Smiles,
Abbi
See now, this chick is smart. By reading this, I can tell that Abbi also suspects that the original message was a form letter, and thus, she intentionally asks him to cite specific things about her profile that he liked. And she does it in such a way that she still comes off as being super sweet and nice about it.
From Mark to Abbi:thanks for your response Abbi well i love your great smile and the six things you cant do without ...do you mind telling me about you
Ooh. Mark's not a total idiot, either - he's playing with someone way smarter than him, but with another girl who was less sharp, this probably would have worked. He gets minor points for actually using her name this time (which shows that he actually read her message instead of just churning out another form letter in response to it). And he mentions particular things about her profile, which could make someone less exacting think that maybe he did read her profile after all...but notice that he still doesn't list anything particular to just Abbi.
Also: The "do you mind telling me about you." This is the kind of stuff where people get on me for being overly nit-picky, but I gotta say it: When you ask shit like this, you're putting the burden on the interviewee to think of your questions for you. It's a rude and shady trick. "I want you to give me information about you - or I at least want you to think that I want to get to know more about you - but I don't want to have to put effort into thinking of the right questions to ask or what specific information that I would like you to share with me." AND, even more brilliantly, it puts the interviewee on the defensive, because they're trying to figure out what you want to know from them, if they're telling you too much, not enough, etc. Then they feel weird and uncomfortable and are now looking for validation from you to put them at ease.
At best, it's just something that thoughtless people with little consideration for others do. At worst, it's a sneaky psychological trick. Bad dates use it so they don't have to put in any work getting to know you. Interrogators use it to get you to inadvertently spill more information than you intended to. Scammers use it to get you to give them the type of information that will help them gauge what particular subjects or buttons are most important to you, so they know what to hit later. And you have no idea how often this works.
If people fall for it, that is. People who are obviously not Abbi.
From Abbi to Mark:Hmmm... Happy to answer that. I wrote a lot about me on my profile. What in particular would you like to know?
Awww, BOOM! This girl is so stealth. I wanna be her new best friend. She's essentially saying, "Look, fucker, I put all this time into writing my profile, which you obviously didn't even bother to read before you messaged me. And now you're still trying to get off easy by making me do all the heavy lifting again. SO NOW I'M GONNA MAKE YOU WORK FOR IT.
From Mark to Abbi:hello thanks for your mail how was your night ?well ..i am 52 years old i have blue eyes i am 5ft 11 tall... I use to work as a forester with America Timber and plywood. but now i m a self employed person My work is so demanding, i supply wood for frames, furniture and domestic flooring and interior, my job have made me traveled around the USA..i love my job i have a son his name is Chris he is my world .............i live in Salisbury NC....Divorced 8 years
I am looking for and am interest in a relationship on a long term basis with one woman. I am by nature kind, romantic, some say i am affectionate, understanding and very passionate and in intimacy I enjoy giving and receiving affection, and am very open-minded and adventurous as well. I am a well-educated, working professional. I enjoy reading, dancing, walking on the beach, fishing, going to movies, just hanging out, and other fun things. I am very sincere and would enjoy a true romantic and fulfilling relationship. I am also down to earth, honest, not judgmental in any way, and very giving in a relationship as well as in intimacy.
I'm a gentle man with big heart and beautiful personality! I'm the caretaker type. i am a Cool ,respectful, and comprehensive person.Who really wants to experience love in its full sense.I am very social,an outgoing person. I am well balanced in my life. i am a man of true character who believes in giving everyone a fair chance.
I have established some very well thought-out career goals with a clear path and plan to achieve success which is controlling my own destiny and not all the money in the world. I do have my Christian faith to credit for my life, attitude and success; however, I don't use the name of God to attract women for my character speaks for itself. I am not the type of man who is focused entirely on himself.
In the world there are givers and takers, but unfortunately many of us have experienced the people who take more than they give. Ask yourself a question: What can I offer another person in a relationship besides money and sex..i am a nice but not perfect man looking for a very nice lady.. well i just cant resist expressing myself openly to you...hope to hear from you soon.tell me about you
Mark
WTF.
So, to sum up - Abbi asked Mark to tell her what in particular he would like know more about, when it came to Abbi. In response, Mark sent her an email that was all about him. Not to mention that fact that his response was obviously his Form Letter Version #5, a take on the classic form of form letters, which parade around as their profile but in letter form.
Which pretty much makes the case why any guy who uses form letters should be kicked to the curb: 1. Form letters are rude. 2. The people who use them tend to be mind-numblingly stupid.
From Abbi to Mark:Well, that wasn't my question. Don't think we are a good fit. Wish you much luck on your search.
See, it's obvious that Abbi hates Mark by now. She hates him so much, she can't even stand it! What she really wanted to do was write, "I fucking hate you, Mark. If I had a shiv, I would longshank you so hard...and then I would do a traditional and delightful Irish jig around your mutilated body before you bled to death on your unfinished basement floor." But instead, she merely contains what is understandable rage and blind fury and simply writes something like, "Wish you much luck on your search."
I wanna start a Fuck Yeah Abbi Tumblr in her honor.
From Mark to Abbi: Fuck off
So great! An ACTUAL GENUINE response from Mark! Sorry, Abbi, that you were looking to communicate with someone who, you know, asked you personalized questions and gave you actual responses to your own questions. THAT IS JUST TOO MUCH TO ASK, Abbi. And henceforth, Make takes offense at your demanding line of questioning and obviously unreasonable response to his answers, and would like you to fuck off now. Strange, though, how the only personalize response Mark gave wasn't as eloquent or poetic as his previous messages...hmm.
Mysteries.
Anyway! For more on why I think form letters are the tools of assholes, read this and this. For more why Erika thinks they're bullshit when it comes to business AND dating, check out her awesome post here.
