Maybe Not Monday: The Please Tell Me More About You While I Tell You More About Me Edition

For today's Maybe Not Monday, we have not one, but two supreme examples:

The first is how NOT to conduct a conversation. Of any kind. But more specifically, on an online dating service.

The second is how to handle it when this happens to you.

Observe...

From Mark to Abbi:
Hi Gorgeous, Please permit me to address you, with direction from my heart. I am mark and I stumbled on your picture and I am glad for once in my life that I am Stumbling lol. If only you know what I mean. Your picture is very captivating and you left me with little or no option than to stop by and send you an email. I believe in the saying that you can't meet better friends if you don't meet stranger, By the way I admire your profile a lot. I'll be glad if you can respond to my message. Until then. have a great day.

Mark
First of all, the best we can say about this message is that it's a form letter. There's a great line in a great movie ("John Tucker Must Die") where the main character, Kate, tells Tucker's other girls:

Does he always use pet names like "Baby" and "Sweetheart?" Yeah, it's not out of affection, it's so he won't mix up your names.

Ladies, the same goes for online dating. Even though he technically doesn't know your name, nine times out of ten if a guy starts out a message using a pet name for you without even knowing you yet? He's using a form letter at best, and is a scammer at worse.

Also, check out the rest of message, will ya? I sincerely hope, for his sake, that English is not his first language, otherwise...oy. Imagine dating a guy who writes shit like, "Please permit me to address you, with direction from my heart", much less speaks like it. Gross.

From Abbi to Mark:Hi Mark,

Thanks for your compliments! I'm curious about what you admire about my profile. Hope your day is going well!

Smiles,
Abbi
See now, this chick is smart. By reading this, I can tell that Abbi also suspects that the original message was a form letter, and thus, she intentionally asks him to cite specific things about her profile that he liked. And she does it in such a way that she still comes off as being super sweet and nice about it.

From Mark to Abbi:thanks for your response Abbi well i love your great smile and the six things you cant do without ...do you mind telling me about you
Ooh. Mark's not a total idiot, either - he's playing with someone way smarter than him, but with another girl who was less sharp, this probably would have worked. He gets minor points for actually using her name this time (which shows that he actually read her message instead of just churning out another form letter in response to it). And he mentions particular things about her profile, which could make someone less exacting think that maybe he did read her profile after all...but notice that he still doesn't list anything particular to just Abbi. 
Also: The "do you mind telling me about you." This is the kind of stuff where people get on me for being overly nit-picky, but I gotta say it: When you ask shit like this, you're putting the burden on the interviewee to think of your questions for you. It's a rude and shady trick. "I want you to give me information about you - or I at least want you to think that I want to get to know more about you - but I don't want to have to put effort into thinking of the right questions to ask or what specific information that I would like you to share with me." AND, even more brilliantly, it puts the interviewee on the defensive, because they're trying to figure out what you want to know from them, if they're telling you too much, not enough, etc. Then they feel weird and uncomfortable and are now looking for validation from you to put them at ease. 
At best, it's just something that thoughtless people with little consideration for others do. At worst, it's a sneaky psychological trick. Bad dates use it so they don't have to put in any work getting to know you. Interrogators use it to get you to inadvertently spill more information than you intended to. Scammers use it to get you to give them the type of information that will help them gauge what particular subjects or buttons are most important to you, so they know what to hit later. And you have no idea how often this works. 

If people fall for it, that is. People who are obviously not Abbi. 
From Abbi to Mark:Hmmm... Happy to answer that. I wrote a lot about me on my profile. What in particular would you like to know?
Awww, BOOM! This girl is so stealth. I wanna be her new best friend. She's essentially saying, "Look, fucker, I put all this time into writing my profile, which you obviously didn't even bother to read before you messaged me. And now you're still trying to get off easy by making me do all the heavy lifting again. SO NOW I'M GONNA MAKE YOU WORK FOR IT.

From Mark to Abbi:hello thanks for your mail how was your night ?well ..i am 52 years old i have blue eyes i am 5ft 11 tall... I use to work as a forester with America Timber and plywood. but now i m a self employed person My work is so demanding, i supply wood for frames, furniture and domestic flooring and interior, my job have made me traveled around the USA..i love my job i have a son his name is Chris he is my world .............i live in Salisbury NC....Divorced 8 years

I am looking for and am interest in a relationship on a long term basis with one woman. I am by nature kind, romantic, some say i am affectionate, understanding and very passionate and in intimacy I enjoy giving and receiving affection, and am very open-minded and adventurous as well. I am a well-educated, working professional. I enjoy reading, dancing, walking on the beach, fishing, going to movies, just hanging out, and other fun things. I am very sincere and would enjoy a true romantic and fulfilling relationship. I am also down to earth, honest, not judgmental in any way, and very giving in a relationship as well as in intimacy.

I'm a gentle man with big heart and beautiful personality! I'm the caretaker type. i am a Cool ,respectful, and comprehensive person.Who really wants to experience love in its full sense.I am very social,an outgoing person. I am well balanced in my life. i am a man of true character who believes in giving everyone a fair chance.

I have established some very well thought-out career goals with a clear path and plan to achieve success which is controlling my own destiny and not all the money in the world. I do have my Christian faith to credit for my life, attitude and success; however, I don't use the name of God to attract women for my character speaks for itself. I am not the type of man who is focused entirely on himself.

In the world there are givers and takers, but unfortunately many of us have experienced the people who take more than they give. Ask yourself a question: What can I offer another person in a relationship besides money and sex..i am a nice but not perfect man looking for a very nice lady.. well i just cant resist expressing myself openly to you...hope to hear from you soon.tell me about you

Mark
WTF.

So, to sum up - Abbi asked Mark to tell her what in particular he would like know more about, when it came to Abbi. In response, Mark sent her an email that was all about him. Not to mention that fact that his response was obviously his Form Letter Version #5, a take on the classic form of form letters, which parade around as their profile but in letter form.

Which pretty much makes the case why any guy who uses form letters should be kicked to the curb: 1. Form letters are rude. 2. The people who use them tend to be mind-numblingly stupid.

From Abbi to Mark:Well, that wasn't my question. Don't think we are a good fit. Wish you much luck on your search.
See, it's obvious that Abbi hates Mark by now. She hates him so much, she can't even stand it! What she really wanted to do was write, "I fucking hate you, Mark. If I had a shiv, I would longshank you so hard...and then I would do a traditional and delightful Irish jig around your mutilated body before you bled to death on your unfinished basement floor." But instead, she merely contains what is understandable rage and blind fury and simply writes something like, "Wish you much luck on your search."

I wanna start a Fuck Yeah Abbi Tumblr in her honor. 
From Mark to Abbi: Fuck off
So great! An ACTUAL GENUINE response from Mark! Sorry, Abbi, that you were looking to communicate with someone who, you know, asked you personalized questions and gave you actual responses to your own questions. THAT IS JUST TOO MUCH TO ASK, Abbi. And henceforth, Make takes offense at your demanding line of questioning and obviously unreasonable response to his answers, and would like you to fuck off now. Strange, though, how the only personalize response Mark gave wasn't as eloquent or poetic as his previous messages...hmm.

Mysteries.

Anyway! For more on why I think form letters are the tools of assholes, read this and this. For more why Erika thinks they're bullshit when it comes to business AND dating, check out her awesome post here.