Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 44

I think I might need to add "Amazing" to my Bachelor recaps stats...

#30DaysofMeditation

A few days ago, I had an idea.

"Hey. What if we did another #30DaysofMeditation on Twitter, starting on the 15th?"

So on a whim, I tweeted that, and asked if anyone else wanted in.

People did, so we're doing it.

Like any other #30Days thing on Twitter, #30DaysofMeditation is a cool time for everyone, ranging from beginners to pros. It's a time to learn about mediation if you're just beginning, a time to recommit your practice if you've done it before but then dropped it, and a time for pros to challenge themselves and become teachers to others.

During the next #30Days, I'll be sharing some of the stuff that I've learned in my own practice. This is a part of my life that I'm super into - meditation, the practice and study of, is totally my jam - and I'm really excited to share some of this stuff with you guys. I'm also really, really excited to learn some cool shiz from others, too. One of the coolest things about meditation is that there are so many different ways to meditate, and I'm always trying to incorporate new jazz into my practice, so this stuff is super fun for me (and I hope it will be for you, too!). So please feel free to camp out in the comment section or join the discussion on Facebook and Twitter (hashtag #30DaysofMeditation). Everyone's welcome, and the more the merrier!

The Bachelor Recap, Episode 2: The Most Undramatic Rose Ceremony EVER!

Welcome to the second episode of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You! Thanks for joining us on this amazing journey, everybody. On this part of The Amazing Journey, we are taken in a helicopter to a dare date...then to a photo shoot group date, and then we cap it off with a little champagne and hot tub action, and round it out with some roses.

Let's review - helicopters, dare date, photo shoot group date, champagne and hot tubs...yep! This is The Bachelor.

More exciting newness after the jump!


Prelude To A Dream (Date)
 Our Absolutely Amazing Journey begins with Sean in a hot, steamy shower after a long, hard workout. He's thoughtful, in the shower...Sean needs a hot and steamy place to, you know...think. As water droplets run down his hard and chiseled man body, he slides his hands through his slick hair and thinks, "Man...I really wish there was a girl named Amber on the show. Ambers are usually so fun and smart, and they make for really great dancers..." Better luck next time, Sean, he thinks sadly to himself as he lets out a deep breath of resignation and turns to shut the shower off. But with any luck, the relationship I come out of this with won't last, and maybe, just maybe, I'll run into a blogger who writes hilarious recaps of my show... He towels off, deep in thought - in faaaantaaaasy - and then laughs to himself. That's absolutely outlandish, Sean! Where are you going to find a girl who's both hilarious and a great dancer, with also a fantastic rack? Stop dreaming, dreamer! Sean shakes his head to himself and laughs again, and finally sets about getting ready for another day with a group of girls not named Amber.

Meanwhile, back at the Lady Ranch, the girls are all hanging out when Chris Harrison bursts in. "Girls! Girls! Get in here, girls!" he thrills. "Girls, can you believe what a DREAMBOAT that Sean is?! He's tall, blonde, and totally handsome! And, the most sincere Bachelor ever! And just who do you think the lucky girl will be who gets to go out on a date with that hunk? I guess you won't know until you get a date card! Oh, but look! What's that in my pocket?" The girls all giggle at Chris teases the date card out of his pocket. "Is this what you're looking for, ladies? Well come and get it!" He throws the card into the air, and as all the girls rush to grab it, he calls out a "Later, bitches!" as he sashays out.

It turns out the one-on-one date is for One-Armed Sarah!

A one-on-one date for One-Armed Sarah.

A ONE-on-ONE date for ONE-Armed Sarah.

Because, you know...she only has ONE arm, and now she gets a ONE-on-ONE date?

Hope you got that joke.

Lifetime Original Movie AshLee says that she's "sort of jealous" when One-Armed Sarah gets the one-on-one date, which obviously means that AshLee's really jealous and probably wants to stab Sarah in the arm.

The only arm she has left, I mean.

Because she only has one arm.

Now, let me be clear: Last week I kind of felt bad about giving Sarah the nickname One-Armed Sarah. This week? Nope, because it's literally ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT. I do think it's courageous of her to come on the show and that she has a lot of depth and awesomeness about only having one arm, and I think she's very sweet and really cute and I actually really do like her, but it's also starting to get a little Tenley-Has-A-Past up in here, so I don't feel bad about the nickname. Because if only having one arm doesn't define you - and we know it doesn't because you're quite obviously awesome - then let's start talking about the stuff that does, yeah?

One-Armed Sarah Might Not Be Able To Do The Helicopter, But She Can Still Fly In One!
Photo: wetpaint.comSo anyway, a helicopter arrives with Sean, and he and One-Armed Sarah climb into the helicopter and go for a ride, because this is how we travel when it's all romance and unrealistic scenarios. They land on top of a skyscraper, and Sean announces that they're going to have a candlelight dinner..."down there" he smirks, raising his eyebrows as he points down at his crotch, which everyone else in America except me takes to mean street level. Which means that they're going to free-fall, everybody, because this is another thing we do on the The Bachelor: We come up with date scenarios that are daring and all stunt-y and raise adrenaline and thus endorphin levels because it's the easiest and most psychologically-stealth way to create close bonds between two people in a short amount of time.

Yeah. I learned that a few years ago, from reading books. Smart books. Sorry if your mind just exploded.

So anyway, One-Armed Sarah is scared but also excited and it's in this moment, right here, that she totally shines and kind of wins America's heart (if she hasn't already). You can tell just by looking at her that she's scared and nervous, but determined to act courageous for Sean, which is just so...this girl has mettle, you know? So Sean offers to put his arm around her and then they sit down on the ledge and kind of inch it off the building together, which was super sweet but it almost made it look even more scary that way, because WHOA - that building was TALL, y'all! "This will be fun," Sean quips, "Just a nice, leisurely fall off a building." (LOVE that guy!). So then they free fall and it actually does look kind of fun, and the sound you heard earlier tonight was every woman in America mentally plotting a scenario where she wears a shiny leather body suit and looks over her shoulder at some hot guy right before she jumps off a tall building, like what happens in every awesome movie with a female heroine ever.

Or, that could have just been me? Either way, free-falling outfits are about to see a drastic rise in profits in the immediate future.

So they have their candlelit dinner, One-Armed Sarah talks some more about how having one arm doesn't hold her back except for that one time when it did in Vegas, and then Sean talks some more about wanting to be a rock, and then they slow dance and One-Armed Sarah tells us privately that she could be falling in love with Sean.

Did you catch that? Falling in love with Sean. After one date. After about maybe six hours together. THIS IS WHAT DARE DATES DO TO YOUR BRAINS, PEOPLE.

The "I Can't Believe This Is The First Time Harlequin Romance Has Showed Up" Date
Photo: wetpaint.comGroup date time! Ford Model Kristy, some girl named Amanda, Bombshell Brooke, Lesley M, For A Good Time Call Daniella, Catherine, Yoga Katie, Kacie, Robyn, Selma, Diana, Teary Taryn, and Tierra are among the 13 lucky ladies who are picked to go on the group date with Sean.

It is also at this time that Tierra declares, "I didn't come here to meet friends", which Historically On The Bachelor means that she's going to end up being the most hated girl in the house while also simultaneously being one of the most favored by the Bach. Tierra is kind of hilarious, though...she reminds me of a rabid toy/tea cup dog...she's so tiny and angry and aggressive that it's actually ridiculous, and you just kind of want to kick her and put her back in her place.

Not that I would EVER kick a dog.

I'd probably kick Tierra, though. 

The group date takes place at a huge mansion, and it's a photo shoot for Harlequin Romance book covers. The girl who appears to have the most chemistry with Sean will get a three-book cover deal. Ford Model Kristy loses her damn mind when she hears this, exclaiming that she is IN HER ELEMENT, to the point where even Yoga Katie says, "Seriously, did you see Kristy's reaction? Homegirl's a little excited to do a photo shoot." Because I don't know if you guys all know this yet, but Kristy is a MODEL. A FORD MODEL.

Just in case you guys didn't know that. But now you do. Now you know that she's a model.

Here's why Tierra is a huge bitch but is also one of those girls who's so bitchy that you kind of just want to pat her on the head for it...the whole time the girls are getting ready, Tierra just makes comments like, "There's some confident girls who are a little overconfident." Robyn admits to the camera that Tierra is driving her crazy - "I do not appreciate her personality." - and homegirl talks about her as she's sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HER in makeup. It's kind of hilarious, and frankly, I didn't think Robyn had it in her. Robyn says to watch the way Tierra is with the girls and then the way she is with Sean, which is a total 180. And of course, we see Tierra talking to Sean, who's teasing her about maybe being a girl who can be a little catty, to which Tierra giggles and protests that she's totally not! Not her! She just hates all the girls and thinks they're all ugly losers and aren't nearly as good for Sean as she could be! Then to the camera, Tierra says something about being smart, but no one in America believes her, because, I mean...evidence to the contrary. 

Sean and Lesley M. are doing a country style cover, and it's pretty hot - Lesley M's body is SLAMMIN', and during their shoot, they're supposed to kiss. So Lesley kisses Sean, and it's seriously the LIGHTEST PECK ever, but still, fire shoots out of Tierra's eyes and her head does a 360 and she levitates from the ground for just a second before remembering that she's supposed to be pretending to be a human girl. The best is when Robyn talks about how, after Lesley's kiss with Sean, it was like a row of glaring eyes, and in confessional, Lesley says, "Hi, Tierra? It was like staring into the eye of the hurricane."

I like that Lesley M!

Then it's Kristy's turn, who is still ECSTATIC about this photo shoot because she's totally IN HER ELEMENT, and she takes the reigns during her "sexy" scene with Sean, and it honestly does look pretty hot. Tierra is NOT going to get upset about it, even though she is really obviously REALLY upset about it, but she is NOT going to get upset, because she's not here to play dress-up, she is here for Sean, and she wants Sean "to see what Tierra really wants."

Can I just say that I love it when crazies talk in the third person? It's just so great. And easy, because it's the best way to spot the crazy. 

Kristy ends up winning the photo shoot, and the group date flows into a night at the magical Harlequin mansion. Lesley M. and Sean are the first to have some one-on-one time. Sean talks about how whenever it seems to be a perfect moment to go in for a kiss, Lesley will get nervous and then ask an easy question about the weather or something, which is totally true and also totally adorable, which is what Sean also thinks. They end their one-on-one time without hopping a ride to makeout town, which Lesley ponders after Sean has some one-on-one time with other girls. Lesley states that she usually likes to let the guy make the move, but then also concedes that things move a lot faster here on The Bachelor, so she decides to just go for it. After Sean has some one-on-one time with Kacie and For A Good Time Call Daniella, Lesley waylays him and then smoothly molests him with her mouth. It's kind of a proud moment for girls everywhere...even though I would totally have the same hesitation about wanting him to make the first move, but sometimes, when you're starring on a totally unrealistic, hyped-up-on-steroids-romance-based reality TV show, you have to just go for it.

Other one-on-one highlights were Sean and Christine. Christine is TOTALLY cute, and her and Sean seem to have great chemistry together - calling it now, she's my top pick.
Meanwhile, For A Good Time Call Daniella gets into some of the uncomfortable stuff going on that night. Yoga Katie is acting awkward, and Tierra - "Is that her name? Tierra? Tiara?" (and suddenly I really like Daniella) - is acting moody and sulky, which is REALLY surprising for a 24 year old who irrationally acts possessive towards a guy she hasn't even kissed yet. 
But see, as Tierra explains to Sean, she's just  not used to going after a guy with 25 other girls around, so she's a little out of her comfort zone. And as Yoga Katie tells Kacie, she's also really uncomfortable with that, too.
HAS NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE WORLD EVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF THIS SHOW? Because it seems like a lot of girls come onto The Bachelor with this really strange idea that it's just going to be them and this hot guy and romantic dates in helicopters, and the fact that there's other girls around is somehow a really rude awakening for them. GET THE NET. This is what you signed up for! LIVE IN THE NOW!
But anyway...Yoga Katie. First of all... What. was UP. with that HAIR? I believe the appropriate label is Frizz Bomb, only usually when that label applies, a girl is actively trying to fight it, NOT make it BIGGER. And take it from a girl who also has naturally curly hair - I get it. Sometimes you wanna just embrace what you have and go on with your curly self and tell that Patti Stanger to SHOVE IT with her "straight hair rules all" narrow-minded thinking, because sometimes you just don't feel like blow-drying your hair for an hour just to de-frizz and curl it for another hour, because that shit is exhausting and... However. There is a difference between going au naturale and looking like a life-sized chia pet.

But anyway, hair issues aside, Katie's having a hard time with the environment of The Bachelor. She tells Kacie that she feels like the odd duck, and Kacie confides to us that she really doesn't think Yoga Katie is going to make it much longer. Yoga Katie goes off to find Sean, and the other girls grill Kacie about what's going on with Yoga Katie. To Kacie's credit, and I gotta say this - she handles that stuff like a champ. Kacie didn't play into the "OMG I know Katie's having such a hard time" thing that the other girls obviously wanted from her...she was nice but very guarded about what Katie shared with her and it was obvious that Kacie is the kind of girl you can trust to not talk out of school.

Yoga Katie finds Sean, and confides that she just doesn't think that this is the environment for her, and that she might need to go home. "Okay, well let me walk you out then!" Sean says, just a little bit too quickly...Amber, he was probably thinking...maybe I can replace her with a girl named Amber...
 
Yoga KatieSo Yoga Katie leaves, and Sean comes back to the girls and hands Kacie the group date rose. Tierra exclaims in confessional that she "wants to punch her!", meaning Kacie, and that was when all of America and Canada decided that they wanted to punch Tierra...

With a tranquilizer gun. One that will deliver to her a deep, peaceful sleep...forever...

But have no fear, you guys! Tierra wants you to know that she is here for the right reasons. In fact, she's going to do everything she can to show Sean that she's here for him and the right reasons. 

*cue horror movie stabbing sound effect*

Bridal Betty and The Case of The Fallen Sculpture

"Hey Chris!" Sean calls out, as Chris Harrison - aka, Big Man on Campus - strolls across the quad. "Wait up, buddy! Boy, have I got a great idea!"
"Well, don't just stand there! Spill it, Sean!"
"So you know how I'm taking Bridal Betty out on a date? Well, I really like her, Chris, and I want to play a prank on her that will not only put her in an awkward situation, but will also possibly embarass her on national television!"
"Wowee, that sounds great, Sean! She's gonna love it!"
"Will you help me? You're my best pal, and I don't trust any of the other dummies in our gang to help me pull it off right."
"Sure thing, Sean! You know I'll do anything for a friend!"

The stage was set. Sean escorted Bridal Betty into the fancy art gallery as Chris watched from a fancy rigged-up camera that he and Sean had set up with the help of the geeks in the Technology club. "Wow," Bridal Betty exclaimed, as she teetered around on her ugly high heels, "Look at all this art stuff!"
"I wanted to show you a real nice time tonight, Bridal Betty. A real nice time for a real nice girl."
"Oh, Sean," Bridal Betty murmured, as she placed a hand on his chest. "I feel like such a grown up in this awful black dress."
"C'mon, Bridal Betty, let's go to this private room back here where we can look at the most expensive piece of art they've got in this here art gallery."
"Wow, okay!"
Sean led Bridal Betty back into a cement room made of cement floors and cement walls. Nothing bad could ever happen here! Bridal Betty thought, as she stared at The Most Important Sculpture, sparkling in the fluorescent light like a fruit cake your grandma used to make just for you to throw away.
"Bridal Betty, I'll be right back. There's some fancy people here who want to ask me some important questions!"
"Okay!"
But Sean didn't answer those important questions from those fancy people...instead, he joined Chris at the fancy TV that was attached to the fancy cameras rigged up in that back cement room. Smiling and laughing, Chris and Sean watched as Bridal Betty was about to get PUNKED!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the sparkling piece of The Most Important Sculpture crashed to the floor as Bridal Betty looked on, initially shocked, yet...wholly unconcerned.

A man came into the room.
"Um, it just fell. I didn't touch it." Bridal Betty told him.
"Well, at least it's not one of the main pieces out there," the guy says.
"Um, that is the main piece."

 And this is where I kind of lose it.

I'm not a big fan of pranks. In fact, I kind of hate them. But, I also have to admit that they are a great way to show a person's character. And Desiree's? SUCKS. She doesn't feel bad at all about the piece of art falling, not even when the supposed artist comes in and acts like he's going to cry. In fact, she has to try really hard to keep from laughing. And the bitchy comment that she makes above? Just like the bitchy one that she made last week, when Sean handed her a rose at the cocktail party. Desiree kind of becomes a bitch when she's under pressure, which is not a great trait to possess. Also, even when something's not your fault, it's still good form to at least act like you feel bad when something bad happens to someone else.

Anyway, Sean swoops in and reveals the prank and Desiree congratulates herself on being a good sport, even though she totally was not. Sean invites her back to his "pad", where they have dinner by the pool and then get into a hot tub with some champagne and talk about their boring parents, which leads into a conversation about love and marriage. Sean says the same thing for about the fifth time since the show started, which is that, "As a man I feel like I wanna love my wife, I wanna protect her, I wanna be her rock." Which I could make fun of him for but won't because I like Sean. Anyway, Sean gives Bridal Betty the date rose and they make out, and I will admit - begrudgingly - that Bridal Betty and Sean do seem to be comfortable around each other and they do have good chemistry.
But I still don't like her. 
As you can maybe tell from lack of photos of their date. She might have looked good in her bikini, but not on MY blog she doesn't!
Cocktail Hour For Crazy
The beginning of the cocktail hour is tense. First, the girls are all sitting on the couches, trying not to say anything about Kacie's awful hairstyle. Then one of them looks at Amanda, looks at the others, and coughs, "Butterface", which now marks her for death. Then, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee stares at Tierra long and hard, and slowly - ever so slowly - smiles at her. 
Then Chris comes in and breaks the tension and everyone has a cocktail! 
Sean and Lindsay have some one-on-one time. I find Lindsay's candor really refreshing, and she seems like a really fun, open, super cute girl. Sean seems to also agree with that assessment.
In the meantime, though, we are given a look into a whooooollle new batch of crazy. 
And her name is Amanda.  First of all, all Amanda is doing is sitting on the couch in her yellow puff-sleeved dress, staring blankly into space and scowling intermittently. When the girls talk to her, she either scowls at them or looks away. You know... the way a catatonic person or someone with a brain injury would. Desiree goes so far to ask, "Amanda, are you okay?" To which Amanda gave no response. She simply looked away like she didn't hear Desiree, and I got this kind of inner flash of Amanda holding up the heads of Desiree and a few of the other girls, screaming, "I'm okay! I'm ALWAYS OKAY! It's YOU who's not okay, OKAY?!?"
Seriously. I've seen a lot of crazy in my days as a Bachelor crackerjack reporter. But Amanda? Within one night, she takes the whole double-digit-seasons, rose-strewn, champagne-flavoried cake.
Also, she looks TORN. UP. Her bio says that she's a "model"...how is this possible? Is she a fitness model only from the neck down? Does she model gloves, per chance?
Other cocktail party highlights include Robyn and Selma - 
You may have noticed that this season of The Bachelor is a little...how should we say...culturally diverse. A.k.a, to my recollection, there really hasn't been a black girl on here since the very first season. Some have noticed that fact and have actually brought legal action on grounds of discrimination, and whether it's because of that or because Sean is awesome, this season has a lot more (awesome) ethnicity. Robyn has also noticed this, and decided to talk to Sean about how, exactly, race plays into what he's looking for. Sean explains that he knows that when people look at him, at his blond hair and blue eyes, they tend to make the assumption that he goes for girls with blonde hair and blue eyes. But Sean has dated all types of girls - Hispanic, Persian...his last girlfriend, in fact, was black. 
"Your answers are so perfect, I can't take it," Robyn gushes in response.

We kind of can't, either. We love this guy.
And we don't love him because he paints with a many-colored brush - you're attracted to what you're attracted to, and that's it - but because it is kind of unexpected from a golden boy from Texas, you know? Which might say more about us having those assumptions than him not having them, but whatever. It's refreshing no matter how you shake it.
Speaking of refreshing! Selma teaches Sean how to say "You are very beautiful" in Arabic, and I seriously died. Who knew Arabic could be so sexy?! Also, the fact that Selma is Arabic makes her seem even more beautiful, if that's actually even possible. However, she did go on a little long during the group date about the way Sean says, "My wife" which kind of got uncomfortable after a minute, so some points were taken away for that. They will be put back in and doubled if she speaks in Arabic again at any point during the show. 
Meanwhile, Amanda is sneering somewhere on a couch in her yellow dress with weird puff sleeves, until Sean comes and gets her for some one-on-one time...and then, all of a sudden, it's like Amanda completely COMES TO LIFE. Which makes the whole non-response thing even scarier. When Amanda is talking to Sean, she's super gushy and energetic, which all the other girls notice and observe. Other girls including Bridal Betty, who practically starts crying as she confides that she just wants people to show their true colors! She is so TIRED of people being manipulated! And Sean deserves WAY better! WAAAAAY BETTER!
The Most Non-Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever!
The Rose Ceremony begins. All the girls get a rose - including The Three Faces of Amanda and Tierra, which Robyn TOTALLY rolls her eyes at! - except for Bombshell Brooke and Diana. 
BrookeBombshell Brooke, true to form, handled her elimination with grace and class. I know that Sean didn't make much of a connection with her and I honestly wasn't expecting her to stay, but goddamn. She looked stunning that night, and after she was eliminated she was sincere and sad, but she didn't cry, which kind of made me proud. That girl is a true lady, and if ABC ever gets their act together, she deserves to be a Bachelorette.
DianaDiana was also sent home. When she said her goodbyes, Sean explained that he just didn't feel right keeping her from her girls if he didn't see something with her in the long-term. She also handled her elimination with grace and class...I'm kind of sad to see her go, too. I was kind of looking forward to getting to know her more. 
But then she ended her little "I just got dumped" speech with, "It's a lot to take in." Said in a totally flat tone, with a totally straight face. 
So there's also that.
Final tally for this episode's data collection:  How many times Sean mentions Emily: 0
How many times Sean says "absolutely": 0!
How many girls cry: 0!!!!!
How many girls get drunk: 0!!!!!!
The first girl to declare "I'm not here to make friends": Tierra. Of course.
How many times do the girls say "This is just really hard"/"I just didn't think it would be this hard.: 3 (Yoga Katie and Tierra)How many times does One-Armed Sarah talk about having only one arm: 5
 Top Four Picks:  Catherine Bridal Betty (aka, "Des", aka, "Desiree") Lesley M. Lindsay
The End!


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Maybe Not Monday: The "I am not a bed hopper, but bed is all I'm going to talk about" Edition

Image: BustedTeesMy self-summaryI am not a bed hopper. I am only looking for safe, clean, mutual, and discreet. You must be a good kisser, or willing to learn. Our kisses are soft, deep, long, slow, and lingering. I know it's you by the touch of your lips. In public, I am a distinguished, relaxed, and conversational gentleman, but when behind closed doors, the heat turns up with long foreplay, passionate touches and kisses, and we swoon to surrender our desires. 
"...and we swoon to surrender our desires." Grooooossss.
There is no finer feeling than two loving adults who have chemistry, respect each other, and soak in the warm, comfy, trusting, and deep tandra pleasure of each other's ravenousness needs, followed by appetizing pillow talk, then crave to do it again. In it's purest form, we are a gift to each other. When we go back to our homes, we admire each other from a distance and eagerly wait for the next opportunity to grow our special bond. We are there for each other, as a breath of fresh air. Life is good.
The trick is that it is not about the amount or, the position of the act itself. It is about the quality of the feeling before, during and after. 
Bet you didn't realize that OkCupid was not just a dating site, but also a self-help and sermonizing space for you get tutorials on what it means to be intimate, did you? Well guess what! This guy has news for you.
I'm not into just having an intimate partner. There is more. I need someone that is worth the time and in return will be kept happy and share secrets. There are no expectations or promises but a fine line between reading between the lines. Simplicity is a line between elegance and class. “Seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.” I like it when a woman is comfortable with me and just lets her hair down so she can be herself and enjoy each other's bounty and sincerity. Just be authentic and laugh at my jokes. 
This part is hilarious - I want you to be authentic, but I also want you to laugh at my jokes. Please be yourself, but also be everything I want you to be.
You should desire emotional and intellectual stimulation. What excites me is a woman who has that special maturity and shows a hint of the "sweet little girl" inside of her too. 
Yuck.
And when the full chemistry and coziness is there, then she turns herself loose and enjoys the wild and yet tender moment.
Gross.
We are all aware that finding someone isn't hard, it's finding that person you can truly connect with. We seek to feel the timeless calm of a true companion. The enjoyment of a well engaged mind connected to a caring heart all wrapped up in a sensual body as a beautiful offering. It is the connection and understanding that comes from sharing that is important to us. If you are interested in sharing that with me; ask me anything, tell me anything. I have patiently waited for your sweet voice and touch. This could go somewhere, or it could go absolutely nowhere. Either way, the lady I'm looking for is worth the shot. So that is where I'm coming from. Am I asking for too much? No. Am I picky? Yes. Do I have the right to be? Yes. I'm only looking for a match in this world, nothing more. Someone real. To share the laughter with…to sit in coffee shops and forget the world with...to form memories with...to fight with and make up with...and MATTER with. I'm from the Midwest, originally, and still have faith that there are people like me out there who carry themselves with dignity, respect and don't exude “normal” single behavior in pursuit of cheap thrills. Sometimes I dress in crisp tailor-made shirts, and other times I dress modestly and let my substance do the talking. From me, you can expect a head-turning guy who is old school, out of school, kind and loyal. I do what I think is right and hope to God that it matters one day.
I just...I can't...it's just too much, you know? Too much! Also - get. OVER. Yourself.
I am a very handsome white male executive type. Athletic, educated, and well traveled. Life is too short not to do the things you find fun, edgy, and entertaining. We would first meet at a coffee shop to see if there is enough chemistry to make this a charming connection. Really? Is that what we would first do? And then could you teach me how to hold hands the right way, too? Maybe narrate our kiss to make sure I'm doing it right?

Here's the thing: If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, then I think I've already established that I'm just not the over-the-top romantic type. When it comes to talking about "passionate embraces" and the like, I kind of turn into a 12-year-old boy (as displayed by the comments above). Mostly, I feel like...pointing out how romantic and passionate you are is the same thing as announcing that you're classy: If you feel the need to prove it, then you're trying too hard. 
And this guy? This guy is definitely trying to hard.
Also, ladies...you ever watch that movie, "Sleeping With The Enemy"? Welcome to the real-life version. This whole profile is nothing but romanticized, patronizing, fantasizing bullshit, but the disturbing undercurrent is the almost fanatical need to control or dictate every feeling, every action, every response, every character trait. One could argue that he is merely seeking to paint a picture of the woman he's looking for...but if that's so, then he might want to try a different tactic.There is a time and place to wax poetically about "sensual moments"...and it's really not in your OkCupid profile. Save some of that stuff for love letters, or better yet, a book that no one will read. Doing it here does not make you come off as an ultra-sophisticated, cerebral-yet-passionate, alluring man...it makes you come off as skeezy, not to mention so ridiculously controlling that it's actually kind of disturbing. You know what women are going to be really into this profile? Fifty Shades of Grey fans, that's who. And I'm not talking the "oh, I read the book and it was fun!" fans. I'm talking the wigged out, "my dream man is Christian Grey type" fans.
I almost kind of suspect that this guy has read the book and wrote his profile for specifically that very demographic. And if he did? 
Then he is BRILLIANT. 
But also...still gross.

You guys!! LOOK WHAT JUST HAPPENED!

Today, because I was bored, I tweeted our Bachelor, Sean, a little question involving him, Chris, Ryan, and a cage match.

Goddammit, I love Twitter.

Red Wing Wednesday: Senior Prom...The Worst Prom of ALL!

The senior prom fiasco was perhaps the most dramatic of all four high school prom disasters. It is a story that involves three Goodhue farmboys, two proms, and one red dress.

Senior year was kind of my big "rebel" year...both in high school and in life. I had gotten my heart smashed in by Gabe Hillebrand at the end of August, dated my first older and wildly inappropriate boyfriend (Scott, who was 21 to my 17...yeah. My parents loooved that) and was pretty much your typical angry, sad, and super depressed teenager. And when you're a super depressed teenager, you start skipping a lot of school, you start smoking a lot, you start drinking a lot at parties, and you stop caring about who you hurt and why.

Kind of like me, during senior year.

(more after the jump...)


The main hang-out spot was Dressen's Saloon, which was a bar on a winding country road that you had to travel on in order to get from Red Wing to Goodhue (or vice versa); thus, it was the perfect place for Red Wing and Goodhue kids to meet up at. Dressen's had a dim pool room in the back that was perfect for all of us to hang out in; it had a jukebox, two pool tables, and it was concealed enough from the rest of the saloon patrons to allow us to sip from beers that someone had smuggled in. On Friday and Saturday nights, we'd either hang out at Dressen's or would congregate there to find out where the night's party was being held.
A photo that's sure to make my parents proud: Me and Steph at Dressen's.It was at Dressen's where I first met Adam.

One night, a bunch of our friends were hanging out, and Steph asked if I wanted to go out to Dressen's with her. She was going to out there to see if she could track down Skids, this guy that she had a crush on...so we went out there, and sure enough, Skids was there with a bunch of friends. A bunch of friends that happened to include a tall, lanky, blond boy with blue eyes and an infectious grin. I asked Steph who he was, and she told me that his name was Adam Callstrom, and that she and him had practically grown up with each other. I caught eyes with him a couple times before he, Skids, and their other friends invited us to come with them to this hunting lodge..."hunting lodge" meaning an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere. It was owned by some kids' uncle, who gave the kid and his friends permission to go there to drink or do whatever you could do in an abandoned house. Agreeing that it could be fun, Steph and I piled into Adam's truck so he could drive us out there. I ended up being squished in beside him since we had to fit five people into his truck cab, and since his truck was stick shift, I had to sit with the stick shift in between my legs in order to allow him to shift it. And yes, it was almost unbearable to not make many hilarious comments to him about this, but I kept my mouth shut.

As teenage hangouts between members of the opposite sex usually do, hanging out at the hunting lodge basically meant, "You guys sit over there and we'll stand over here and we'll all drink beers and awkwardly laugh when someone gets enough courage to makes a dumb joke." Finally, the tension eased, and Adam and I started flirting with each other. At first it was just making eyes at each other from across the room like we had done at Dressen's, and then it progressed into actual conversation. Next, I did that dumb girl thing where I snatched his hat off of his head, and he pretended to be mad at me for it, but really it was just a good excuse to kind of "play wrestle" each other, and I think by now you understand that, even in high school, I had some straight-up slick moves.

The next week at school, I saw Steph in the hall while walking to class and she laughed and told me that Adam had called her, asking her for my number. I got a call from him later on in the week, and he asked me out on a date for that weekend.

If you'll let me just be slightly poetic or misty-framed about it for just a moment: On our first date, I watched from the front window of my house as his truck pulled into my driveway. I went out through the garage, and I as I opened the door and walked out to meet him, I found him leaning up against the front of his red truck, waiting for me: the headlights glowing, lighting up the thick snow that was falling around him, his hands in his pockets and a huge grin breaking out onto his face as I walked up to him.

I get that one moment, in my dating life in high school. That one...I get to keep.

We were solid after the first date. He was a heady combination of wild and sweet; he and his friends were definitely a fun and slightly crazy bunch - their favorite leisure activity was going "roading" (a recreational term for drinking while driving on back country roads), but he also loved to take me out for a backroad drive to look at the stars (and make out, of course). He loved it when I sat on his lap at parties, and I loved it when he held my hand whenever we walked in together somewhere.

Partying was a big part of my senior year. I didn't drink a lot - I think, at the most, I might have downed two whole beers at a party, at the most  - but I did go to a lot of parties. And there were tons of parties in Goodhue - if nobody's parents were gone for the weekend, we'd head out to some cornfield or back road and set up camp there. It was a lot of country music and Bud Light, and there was always some kind of drama at every party - if not a fight (guy or girl), then someone was breaking up or hooking up.

And it was just fun. It was fun to get caught up in the excitement of both having a boyfriend like Adam - someone who was sweet and fun and super cute - and be hanging out with this new crowd of friends. Steph had started going out with Skids around the same time that I started going out with Adam, which was also super fun.

However, who I was at the time...didn't really deserve Adam. I was pretty heartbroken and bitter about my break-up with Gabe, and even though Adam tried everything he could to sweep me off my feet, I just wasn't having it. Looking back, I realize how messed up I was that year - cutting class almost every day (my wildly inappropriate ex, Scott, later became our school's parking lot monitor, which was convenient because 1. we had broken up long before he landed the job, which was a relief for me, especially when, later, he began spiraling downhill, beginning with that job 2. we somehow maintained an amicable relationship and he never reported me when I skipped), fighting with my parents on a regular basis, and hating the thought of even getting out of bed. Even though Adam was the one thing in my life that made me happy (besides my friends), my unhappiness tended to spill over into our relationship, and I was kind of a bitch to him at times.

This was not a good thing when Adam decided to "take a break." His stupid friend Wayne (who straightened out when he went out with my friend Heidi, but this happened before he started dating her and so at this point in time he was still an ass) had convinced Adam to take a month off from hi relationship with me so they could have "guy time" - i.e., get drunk and do stupid shit. Adam came to my house one night to tell me this. We had decided a few weeks before that we would go to prom together - he would go with me to mine, I would go with him to his. He told me that even though he wanted to take a break, it was just a break - not a "break-up" - and that he was still really excited to go to prom with me.

At first I was upset because I thought that I had brought this on myself. I thought about all the snarky things I had done or said to Adam, and I realized that if the "break" was just a prelude to a break-up, then it would be all my fault. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that Adam had realized what a bitch I had been to him and that he was just waiting to break up with me. I saw him the next week at Dressen's; we barely spoke, and it was obvious the everyone else that we weren't there as a couple that night. Miserable, I went outside to cry. He followed me outside, hugged me, and told me that breaking up was the last thing he wanted to do; he just wanted some time with the guys without me getting upset or hurt (kind of the wrong way to go about that...but okay). 

That calmed my fears for a while, but after a few weeks, I started to get pissed. I started thinking of all the "if he really liked me then he wouldn't do this and this" stuff that girls sometimes think when we're hurt and emotional (and also, 18 years old). The more I thought about the "break", the more pissed I got.

It didn't help that I had started hanging out with this guy, Jared, who was also a Goodhue kid and good friends with Nikki, another friend I had in Goodhue. Jared was hot. He was a couple years younger than me, but he was the kind of underclassman that was so hot that the age difference didn't really matter. Jared often hung out with me and Nikki at her house or at Dressen's, and for some reason, we started talking on the phone. At first it was just friendly conversation...but then Jared broke up with his girlfriend. Then Jared started telling me little things that Adam had said about me that were not the most wonderful or flattering things. Next came the "Why are you with him? You deserve better..." speeches whenever Adam's name came up.

And I ate that shit up.

When you're hurt and upset at your boyfriend and some hot kid is filling your head with this kind of stuff, it gets to you. It's stuff you want to hear, and here it is, coming from a guy that you already think is hot, and obviously thinks you're so great that you don't deserve some guy who obviously doesn't, right?

Here's what really did it, though - 

It was the weekend of the state hockey championships, and since Red Wing dominated when I was in high school, we went to state and we won. That Saturday night, a group of us decided to go to this club in Minneapolis called TNT.

Yeah. You might remember that club, and you might also remember that it was a skankfest...I practically lost my virginity just trying to walk through the place.

Anyway - here's what I remember most about that night - riding in Brian Sander's car, listening to "Da Dip" by Freak Nasty on repeat on our way up to Minneapolis, running into my friend Jeff Halverson and his super cute girlfriend, and thinking about how I could probably never take Adam to a place like this because he would feel so uncomfortable and out of his element...but Jared would be a different story.

So I broke up with Adam (because as you can see, my decision-making that year was impeccable). And three days after I did so, Jared asked me out.

Jared asked me to his prom a week after we started going out, and we also planned to go to mine. I had bought a dress and everything that went with it when I was still going out with Adam, and I was relieved that all my prom plans weren't going to go to waste. My dress for the senior prom topped all dresses - if I had liked my junior prom dress, then I was in love with my senior prom dress. I had even told my mom that if I got married, I wanted to dye the dress white so I could wear it at my wedding. Senior year's prom, in general, promised to be amazing; a huge group of my friends were all going together - I think there was at least seven couples in our group - and afterward we were going to party at my BFF Kimmy's house, which was complete with an awesome basement, hot tub, and supa-kool parents who were going to let us drink to our hearts' content (but only if we handed over our car keys and stayed the night).

For the next couple of weeks, Jared and I did the usual Red Wing/Goodhue thing...Dressen's, parties, making out in his truck...only it wasn't anything fantastic or great. To tell the truth, I missed Adam, and more than a few times I wondered if I had done the wrong thing by breaking up with him. I had heard through the grapevine that Adam had been hurt and upset about my breaking up with him, and I had also heard increasing rumors that Jared was now on Adam's hit list.

This is how we did stuff in high school, guys! Remember?! Remember how we used to talk about who was going to beat up who or go after who even though no one had ANY intention of being brave enough to do anything about it? Awww! We were so adorable back then...

The rumor that Adam was going to go after Jared turned out to be true, however. It was settled at a party one night when Jared and I were walking toward the party house from his car, and Adam met us out in the yard. Jared told me to go inside and stay there...so of course, I stood out on the deck and watched. They started talking, and I couldn't really hear what was being said. It didn't come to fists, but whatever was said made it clear that Adam and Jared were going to keep their distance from each other. I found out later that night that Adam had found out that Jared had been talking to me on the phone while I was still dating Adam and that he had been telling me things about Adam that might have contributed to me breaking up with him. Which wasn't untrue. I liked Jared and I had made my choice, so all of that was on me...but that was the first time I remember wondering if maybe I had been played. Adam wasn't really the fighting type - he was so even-keeled and naturally happy, and just didn't get involved in the petty gossip and bullshit that other people in that crowd did. The fact that he was upset at Jared enough to call him out on it...something about it really bothered me.

But obviously not enough to trust my gut and break up with Jared!

So two weeks before prom, Jared and I went to a party at someone's house in Goodhue. It was a big party - tons of people, lots of beer, people making out in every room, and even some pot that was passed around. (Which was like, whoa, for me. Like I mentioned before, I drank a little in high school - sorry, athletic honor code contract for cheerleading, but I did - but not a lot, and pot was like...holy shit, you guys! We're in the big time at this party! People have POT!). At one point in the night Jared was busy talking to his buddies, so I headed downstairs to the basement to see what was happening down there. There was a handful of people hanging out down there, and one of them was Billy.

Billy was the younger brother of Skids, was pretty hot, and had a rep for being a total player. He was the kind of friend I loved running into at parties, because our banter was harmless flirting, but always fun. So we hung out for a while downstairs...after a while, I noticed that everyone else had gone upstairs, but thinking nothing of it, we stayed down there for a while longer, joking around and gossiping, and then went upstairs when we were both out of beer.

It had been so casual and unimportant that when Jared called me on Monday to ask about it, it took me a while to understand what he was talking about. Apparently, a rumor had been going around Goodhue High that day that Billy and I had gotten it on at the party while we were at the basement...and Billy had apparently not done much to deny the rumor.

At first I laughed it off, but Jared was not so casual about it. I swore to him that nothing had happened, but he wouldn't believe me. He declared that too many people, including Billy, had told him it was true... and that we were over. Then, as his parting shot, he came clean about the fact that everything he had told me about Adam was a lie (he had framed this as some sort of proof that if it was easy for him to convince me of that stuff about Adam, then obviously I was the type of girl who would cheat on my boyfriend with another guy at a party).

 Later, I would piece together that that was why Adam had confronted Jared that night at the party...that from stuff that I had told my friends that Jared had said about what Adam had said that my friends told other friends that got back to Adam, Adam had surmised the fact that Jared was filling my head with stuff about him that wasn't necessarily true. And that was probably the thing that bothered me the most out of everything - not that Jared was an asshole, not that Billy had lied, not that other people believed I would mess around on a boyfriend...it was that Adam knew Jared had lied to me about him and that I had believed him. Total punch in the stomach. I don't think I've ever felt so badly about hurting someone like that.

But back to that night: After I told Jared to fuck off, I called Billy and demanded to know what the hell was going on. Billy confirmed the rumor about us hooking up, agreeing that it was crazy and out of control. Then he started joking about how, "if there's a rumor about us anyway"...which made me completely furious, and suspicious as to whether it was really him who started the rumor. I called him on the fact that he hadn't denied the rumor when Jared asked him about it; Billy denied denying it (if that makes sense), and then asked if Jared and I had broken up. When I told him yes, he apologized and told me that he would try to clear the whole thing up.

I spent the next two days in a fury. I was pissed off at Jared, pissed off at whoever had started the rumor, pissed off at myself...just generally pissed off. Then word filtered in that Billy had tried to squelch the story, but some individuals (some individuals being the girl we called her Goodhue Steph - my friend Steph was Red Wing Steph - this was another Steph, hence, Goodhue Steph. GET IT? - who was now going out with Adam, and her friends) were still insistent that it had happened (which, I mean, since Billy and I were the only ones in the basement and they weren't there to see us hook up, of course they totally knew what they were talking about!) and that Billy was only denying it so he could gain bonus points from me and later ask me out (Lie. Billy was not the "asking out" type). At this point in time I knew that all I could hope for was for some big-ass bitch fight in a school parking lot to give the gossip-mongers something else to talk about so that this whole thing would blow over (which, ironically enough, did happen. Angie Wolpers decided to kick Paula Puppe's ass in front of about 50 people at a party one night because Paula had slept with Angie's boyfriend Donni a day after Angie had broken up with him...but Angie had gotten back together with him a week later, so suddenly Paula was the skank instead of Donni. Thanks Angie!).

Sigh. This stuff is exhausting just to write about, much less having lived through. And, the best thing about this story - all of it could be untrue! NONE of this could actually have gone down the way that it was related to me. You know?! He said, she said...all that bullshit. I love it. It's so dramatic! I don't ever wanna be in high school again!

So once again, there I was, a week before prom, with a full prom ensemble in the back of my closet, tickets to both the Red Wing and Goodhue proms, and a missed opportunity to spend my senior prom with my crowd of friends. I was miserable. Not only had I stupidly broken up with Adam, but I had been the subject of a juicy rumor that had resulted in an embarrassing and infuriating dumpage from Jared. And now I had to be suspicious of Billy, whom I had originally really liked as a friend. Sucked all around.

I tried to make the best of things, however...my editor at the town newspaper (Red Wing Republican Eagle, REPRESENT!) asked me to write an article on what seemed to be a curse concerning prom and me, and it ended up being one of the only articles that he commended me for (my article about how our new school's track and field "totally sucked" did not, surprisingly, make that list).

My buddy Sayge (who was also prom-dateless) and I went to see our friends gather for picture-taking at the St. James Hotel, and even posed for a few pics (which look awesome, since as you can see from the photo at the top of this post, our friends are all in formal gowns and we're in jeans and hoodies).
JUICY SIDENOTE: If you'll notice the girl on the left with blonde hair and a blue dress (about three couples up the stairs) and the boy standing next to her? That boy is Darren, the guy I went out with after Craig who was also my first kiss. Hattie and Darren are now married and have, like, a billion kids. Hattie was really mean to me when she started going out with Darren after I broke up with him, but Darren was still really nice to me, so I guess that kind of wraps up that with a nice little bow and card full of metaphorical money...

So Sayge-y and I went The Grand March together and then decorated Kimmy's basement afterward. Kimmy's birthday was close to prom, and so Sayge and I decided to also would throw her a surprise birthday party along with the prom after-party. I had made a cake and decorated it for Kimmy -



 and Sayge and I had a blast decorating the basement - partaking of a few choice beverages to spur our creativity. Kimmy's party was awesome - a wild night with most of our close friends - and it was one of those parties where, at one point in the night, you just stand there and think "I need to remember this, because I may never have this moment again."
Donni Ritzman & Angie Wolpers, making out in front of innocent Sayge Greg has his sunglasses on inside because he's cool. Or something.
Sayge, laughing at something I said and trying not to blow chips all over the place. Then came time for Goodhue's prom!

My bitterness and new hatred of everything Goodhue couldn't overcome my curiosity (and, I wanted to see and support my actual friends who were still going) and so I went to Goodhue's Grand March with a few of my friends. We walked into the school and right away I saw both Adam and Jared. I flipped Jared off when he saw me, but couldn't help staring at Adam - all Angela Chase-like from My So-Called Life - all for a few moments before I went into the gym.

Funny enough, we ended up sitting next to (Nathan) Jaeger, whom you might remember from my sophomore prom story as being Julie's then boyfriend. He had also become one of the Red Wing/Goodhue crowd, and we had hung out a lot that year. Julie had come home from college to go with Craig to his prom, and as Nathan and I watched them walk down together, we laughed and laughed over all the great (read: bad) memories of the first time we saw them walk down a Grand March aisle together.

Jared had taken my friend Traci Gernentz to his prom. This was a little awkward for me, and I wasn't quite sure how I felt about this. Traci knew all about what had happened, but she had been excited to go with Jared. I was pissed that Jared had the balls to ask one of my friends, but I was also a little miffed that Traci agreed to go - it felt slightly disloyal. When they walked down the aisle, I smiled at Traci and tried to completely ignore Jared. I did get some satisfaction when Traci later told me she had had a horrible time with him.

Then Adam and Goodhue Steph walked down the aisle. I tried to smile and not look at Adam, fearing that my regret over breaking up with him would be totally transparent if I did. When they were done with their little walk and turned to walk the rest of the way out of the gym, one of my friends nudged me and told me that Adam had been staring our way the whole time, and that Goodhue Steph had noticed (which wasn't good, since she already pretty much hated me). So again...couldn't help feeling that I had made a complete mistake by breaking up with Adam; I should have been at prom with him, and I had no one to blame but myself.

I know it all sounds kind of silly now, but that whole thing was a pretty painful time. I just felt awful that I hurt someone I had cared about, and had done it out of selfish and stupid motives. It took me a long time to get over that, and to forgive myself for giving up so easily on him and hurting him in that way.

After prom was over, I slowly started fading away from the Goodhue scene. I missed it every now and then, and still went to a couple of parties, but it was never the same as it had been earlier that year. It was literally like staying too late at a party - sometimes it's better to leave when it's at its peak than stick around, hoping  you won't miss anything.

I occasionally ran into Billy that summer; he apologized for the whole basement drama every time he saw me and we eventually resumed our friendly banter. I don't remember seeing Jared at all that summer, though... And if I did, I'm sure he was pretty aware that I didn't want to see him.

Adam and Goodhue Steph were still going out when I left for college that summer. They eventually broke up, and I've run into Adam twice in the last fifteen years. The first time was when I was in Red Wing to hang out with my friends over their winter break (they were still in college, and I was at Okoboji by this time), and we ended up going to someone's house in Goodhue for a party. Adam was there (and so was Tim, the ex from the junior prom story), and there was this weird tension. I remember wanting to blurt out to him that I was still sorry for everything that had happened; that if I could do it all over again I never would have broken up with him and that it had all been a huge mistake on my part...but I didn't. I walked out of the party with my friends, looked back, and caught him staring, watching me leave. I saw him again a few years ago at the annual summer festival in Goodhue (Goodhue Days?) and we actually ended up talking for a while. He's married and has a few kids at last survey, and I genuinely hope that he's happier than he ever imagined being.

On the plus side, like junior year, I got to wear my dress to something else other than prom. The summer after graduation, Kimmy and I participated in the Miss Red Wing Pageant. We did it mostly because we wanted to do cool stuff like be in parades and get to know girls in our class that we really didn't hang out with much in high school, but another bonus was that being in the pageant put both my junior and senior prom dresses to great use.
Me, wearing the dress meant for prom, in the Red Wing River City Days Parade And really...it's bad enough not being able to go to your prom, but we won't even talk about how much worse it can be if your prom dress never gets to see the light of day.

That's like dying a virgin. It's such a tragic waste.

To end this little trip down memory lane, here's a little song that helped define that year -
 

Season Premiere of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You!

Well, kids, it's that time of year again...time to pop open the white wine, fire up the hot tub, and crank up those unrealistic expectations of what real love looks, feels, and acts like.

The Bachelor is back!

This season, on The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You, we'll be taking a journey into the heart of this Golden Texas Boy as we ask the question: Will Sean find true love? And do we care as much as we do about him taking off his shirt some more?

We will also be collecting scientific data on the following during each Bachelor episode:

How many times Sean mentions Emily
How many times Sean says "absolutely"
How many girls cry
How many girls get drunk
The first girl to declare "I'm not here to make friends"
How many times do the girls say "This is just really hard"/"I just didn't think it would be this hard."

Y'all ready?

(Hint: The correct answer is, "Absolutely!")

Then let's get this journey started!



The season opens with the camera having a love affair with Sean's pecs. Seriously, there were at least three shots where the camera just zooms in on Sean's chest and then just lingers there, hopefully, like a teenage girl just ready to blossom...should she dare go to the edge of girlhood? Is she ready for all that womanhood requires? And what will ever be the good in life again if she gives up the chance to spend just one hot summer night with a blond boy from a good Texas family...a night that could change both their lives...forever...

Anyway! So Sean says some stuff about his family and Texas and loving Jesus but we're not really paying attention because we're too busy watching the way his chest glistens and his biceps ripple as he lifts weights with his shirt off, and then he talks about Emily and says "absolutely" a lot. He was absolutely in love with her. He was absolutely heartbroken by her. He was absolutely faking the scene where he pretends to "come home" right after it and talk to his family about how his "heart is doing."

"God Still Has Another Plan For Me"

In one of the more cheesier episodic shots, we see Sean standing on the beach, smiling wistfully at a bride and groom who are having their photos taken at the beach. He says some stuff about wanting to protect his woman, wanting to love his woman, he want to honor her...he wants to be rich in love! *climbs a rock* "I wanna be her rock!"

For realz, my brothers. I cannot make this shit up.

Okay. I totally can, but that did actually happen.

So then Arie shows up, because he's finally realized that he loves Sean...he's loved Sean all along, Emily was just a cover, all he really wanted was to get close to Sean this whole time, he just didn't know why until he found out that Sean would soon be having sex with 25 lucky ladies. So Arie, somber and serious and staring at Sean's muscular, solid form...so manly, so strong...quietly confesses to Sean how he really feels, and begs Sean not to go, not to do the show. Sean comforts Arie...he even offers him a beer, but still, he tells him, "I want your loving...I don't want to be friends...but you and me...we're like a bad bromance."

(I have been dying to use that "bad bromance" Lady Gaga joke somewhere since coming up with it, like, five days ago. SUCCESS! TRIUMPHANT!)

So Arie swallows his loss and thinks, hey, we can still be friends, right? If I can't love you the way I want to love you, then I'll love you in the only way you'll let me, he decides, as he gazes longingly at Sean's profile, strong and chiseled like a golden god. "Ha ha, I know, I was just kidding around! You know me, Mr. Class Clown! So tell me, Sean," Arie says, casually placing a hand on Sean's rock solid thigh. "You're going to be handing out a lot of roses. Have you thought about how you're going to do that?" Have you thought about how you're going to offer your heart to the ones who don't deserve it...how you're going to give them the only thing I've ever wanted...
 "I don't know!" Sean says, brightly. "Like, "Will you accept this rose?"
Hilarity ensues as the two joke around with how Sean should say it (it is actually pretty funny, for the record...it's totally one of those unexpectedly funny moments that made Sean a favorite on Emily's season and a shoe-in for The Bachelor)
"Hahahaaha! Okay, so," Arie says, with forced cheerfulness. "Give me some break up moves. What've you got? How are you going to break their hearts like you just broke mine...
They joke around about the boring way to break up with someone and how Sean can't do the stuff that he usually does, like just stop texting them (Laaaaaaame, Sean. Laaaaaaaaaaaaame)..."Well, I can't use the "it's not you, it's me" thing," Sean jokes, "Because it will obviously be them."
"Hahahaha!" Arie laughs, while he begins to cry inside. "Why don't you pretend like you're breaking up with me..." Because I need to hear it. I need it to be final, so I can move on with my life while you move on with another...find someone else to love...stop these sleepness nights and tortured days, filled with dreams of your pecs and boyish grin...
So there's role-playing, and then Sean does the most unexpected of all...
"You know, people call me the All-American a lot, but all they seem to talk about with you is your kissing. Can you give me some pointers?"

This is where I lose it in real life -SEAN is asking ARIE for kissing tips? ARIE, kisses like a LAMPREY...it was the only thing from last season that I didn't like about him, but it was a very memorable thing. 

So they say goodbye, after Arie says something really awkward about Sean in his suit, "all ready", and then almost starts crying actual tears - not just ones on the inside, which he's been crying all day - when Sean says that he really believes he's going to spend the rest of his life with one person... and hopefully SHE will step out of a limo tonight.

Then then it's time, everybody. It's time to meet the 25 *cough 26* women!

The Inner Lives of Ladies Who May or May Not End Up Meaning Anything To Sean

Chris Harrison comes out and says a bunch of stuff that we've all heard before and don't really need to hear again - Sean got his heart broken, he's ready for love again, champagne and hot tubs, blah blah blah. 

And then we take a look some of the 25 (*cough 26 the last one is a surprise*) ladies!

The first one is Desiree. I don't like her on site. First of all, she works at a bridal salon, and her dream is to design wedding dresses. Not that there isn't anything wrong with that, but she sounds like a total bitch when she talks about it.

The second is Tierra. She's cute, brunette, talks like a chipmonk. She's fallen in love twice, and has gotten her heart broken...TWICE! She's also only 24. She also has a TOTALLY CHEESY tat of a half-done heart on her finger. And then she finds out that the Bachelor is Sean and has a major freak out. And then we see her with a tiny dog, telling it that Sean's going to be her new daddy.

Yeah. She's not my favorite either.

Then we meet Robyn from Texas! Robyn seems really lonely. She dances in the park by herself. She sticks post-it notes every where of Spanish words, because she's trying to learn Spanish, "a romantic sexy language." She even sticks a post-it note on her chest that says the Spanish word for HEART. Which kind of makes me wanna cry inside, because you get the feeling that this girl does not get laid a lot.

Diana is from Salt Lake City, Utah, owns her own salon - "And that is...pretty...cool." she says, like she would if she were talking about the most UNCOOL thing in the world. - and has two kids. Diana is pretty cute. As in, really cute. "That mad, deep, passionate love? For some reason I had a really hard time developing that," she mentions, sounds a little like a comatose patient, or someone with a heart defect that makes it impossible to add any inflection into their tone because it requires and extra intake of breath and they just can't handle it...because of their heart. "I would love to fall madly, deeply in love. If that person is Sean...that'll...be...awesome."

And then we meet Sarah. From first glance, Sarah seems like that beautiful, blonde, perfectly polished advertising exec. Until we learn that she was born with one arm.

Let me just be clear with you guys for a minute: It is going to be really, really, REALLY hard for me to not call her One-Armed Sarah.  Not because I want to be insensitive, but because I want to be fair, and if I called Charlie from last season Head Trauma Charlie...

Anyway. So Sarah's umbilical cord got wrapped around her left arm when she was in the womb, which effectively amputated the bottom half of the arm. But it doesn't define her! She can still ride a bike...one-handed! She can still whisk eggs...one-handed! She can walk a dog...one-handed!

It's Ashley P. time! She has NO idea why she's still single...but it might have something to do with the fact that she already has a special man in her life...and he just happens to be Christian Grey, the main character from "Fifty Shades of Grey". But since he is fictional and NOT A REAL PERSON, it's just her and her cat - who obviously hates her, by the way - living life on their own, while she reads her book and bites her lip and tells no one in particular to spank her.

Pretty (suuuper pretty) Lesley lives and works in DC. She works for a political consulting firm, but has no luck with guys in DC...she doesn't like the nerds, she doesn't like the politicians, and that's all DC is, everybody! And then the producers make her stand on the mall and yell out Sean's name a lot, which is embarrassing for everybody - not to mention the innocent tourists and passers-by - and then she has to hold up a sign that reads, "Lesley Sean 2016".

So, the producers obviously hate this girl, which means she's probably going to be a lot of fun to watch in the future.

And then we have to meet Kristy, who is a Ford Model - and Ford is like, the #1 agency, everybody, in case you didn't know, but good news for you, because Kristy is hear to tell you! - wants to clear it up right off the bat that girls will be jealous of her ("No question. That's just how girls are.") which means that everyone is going to hate her, not because she's a pretty model, but because she sucks as a person. Also, she calls herself "The Best From The Midwest".

Yeah. The girls are all going to looooove her.

AshLee is a professional organizer. She loooooves to organize. She's OBSESSED! with organizing. Also...she wants to be in love more than anything. PERIOD. "There's nothing more to that," she says, softly, almost threateningly, as a certain cloudy look crossed over her eyes. See, AshLee is adopted...and she's been through six different foster homes...six, in one year..."I have a really hard time putting my finger on why..." she says, innocently, hoping that they don't find out...that no one ever finds out...what really happened... Until she was adopted into a pastor's home, which doesn't sound like the backstory to a horror film or a Made For Lifetime Movie at ALL. But the point is...AshLee's ready for real love. She's ready to find true love...love that always lasts...love that never dies...never leaves you...never abandons you...never forces you to do horrible, terrible things to make it stay!...just, you know...gives you that fairy tale.

That happily ever after....

The Limo of Love...

Original Lifetime Movie AshLee is the first out of the limo, which is unremarkable except for the fact that her smile and everything she says just kind of creeps me out with it's inauthenticity. Also, notice that she wore a red dress, and it's a inside production secret that a girl in a red dress is always first out of the limo.

Then it's Jackie, who decides to "put her mark" on Sean before any of the other girls can, which means pulling out a really red lipstick and kissing him on his cheek, which leaves huge red lip print. Gross.

Selma comes out and pulls a crumpled up kleenx out of her cleavage. Normally this would skeeve me out, but she uses to wipe off the lipstick print on Sean's cheek, and for that I'm grateful. But it also tells us that the lipstick mark and her kleenx was staged, which is gross. Which one of the dumbass producers comes up with this shit?

I'm not going to go through all the girls - I do have a life to live, pals - but I will give you the highlights:

Daniella looks like a girl who knows how to party. She does a really awful and dumb high-five sequence, which makes her memorable for the fact that it's stupid.

Kelly, a CRUISE SHIP ENTERTAINER, comes up and sings Sean a country song.

It was embarrassing for everyone. 

Some yoga girl comes up and teach Sean some yoga, and then it's time for...

Fifty Shades of Grey girl, Ashley P.

Just in the way that she talks...she's just weird. And then she pulls out a TIE. Out of her cleavage. And tells Sean that maybe he can teach her how to use it later.

Catherine walks out, and there's a moment, and she's going to be in my top 4.

Robyn does a back flip out of the limo, then does another one and falls. It was awesome.

Lacey is a blonde hottie - everyone called her "Lace", though, so she brought a lace heart for Sean to remember her by. Seriously, producers...can we STOP with the cheesy introduction stuff?

Plain Paige is BACK! Paige, who didn't get a rose on Bachelor Pad 3 (she was a Fan) is here to win Sean's heart. Did you know she's a Jumbotron Operator? Kind of awesome.

And then it's Tierra. She shows Sean her dumb tattoo - "I have a heart on my finger, and it's open, and I hope you'll be the guy to complete it."- and then they have a silent, awkward moment, and then Sean bails. We all think we're going to send her home! Or at least we're hoping (re: Me. I'm hoping). Commercial break, and then Sean breaks from "tradition" and decides to give her a rose right off the bat. Lame.

And THEN he says, "I hope that won't create any tension among the girls." as she walks away. Even though we all know that it's going to make them TOTALLY hate her! Which it does. One of them is like, "Can you explain where this rose came from?" like a TOTAL bitch (can you explain where your face came from?!). Tierra just giggles and says, "It's so exciting!". Hint: You don't say that when you have a rose and no one else does.

Some chick does a purposeful awkward pause thing when she meets Sean, and it's embarrassing, and her dress is so ugly I make a point to not remember her name.

Desiree "But You Can Call Me Des" walks out, and she brought some pennies for them to throw into the fountain so they can make a wish together. She walks away and Sean says "She's really cute" to himself, so she's also in my top 4.

One-Armed Sarah (I'm SORRY, I CAN'T help it, and if I'm honest, I don't WANT to!) gets out, and Sean is awesome, and it's cool.

And then BROOKE! Holy wow, everybody...Brooke is a BOMBSHELL. The way she walks, the way she carries herself, the smooth way she talks...she is a lady. I don't think she's a match for Sean, but she's one of my favorites already.

Diana's cute and seems to have gotten that heart defect fixed, Lesley brings a football and wants to do a play which just means both of them bending over so she can look at his butt, which is awkward and hilarious.

Kristy gets out, and the first words out of her bitch mouth are, "Sean, did you invite these girls? Because I sure didn't." Her hair looks AWFUL, and she pulls out her "Bringing you the best from the midwest tonight" line again. Really, Kristy? You're going to let those words come out of your mouth with that awful hair on your head? Really?

And then the chick in the wedding dress gets out of the limo.

Lindsay seems a little drunk. Super bubbly. Calls herself a prankster. Says, "Who does this?!" Sean goes, "Uh, apparently you." Can't tell if she's crazy or awesome.

Sean thinks he's done and ready to go inside, but surprise!! There's one more person. The Bachelor has been leading into this during all the previews and the promos, and I already know it's Kacie, who made it all the way to the hometown dates on The Bachelor: Ben Doesn't Have a Dad.

And it is! Kacie looks hot - little black dress, high heels, the works. She mentions that Sean and her have met before, so she wanted to see if there could be anything between them. Sean seems happy about this, so that's cool.

The other girls, of course, are not, and Desiree does not think it's fair AT ALL, because she already had her chance with Ben and it didn't work so what makes her think that it's going to work with Sean? One chance at love, Kacie! ONE CHANCE! You get no others, according to Bridal Betty over here...

Cocktail Wishes & Rose Dreams

The wine starts flowing, conversation starts happening, and girls start getting anxious to "get some time" in with Sean.

Kacie and Sean are the first ones to do some one-on-one time, and we get a little more backstory on the two of them (they've hung out, Sean has only really viewed her as a friend up to this point, but now that he knows that Kacie has feelings for him...). Then Sean hangs out with Desiree, who honestly won't let him get in a word edgewise, but despite that, he still gives her a rose, because apparently he's doing that tonight. And then "Des" does a little dance with the rose - the way that COURTNEY used to - which confirms my initial feeling that she's kind of a bitch.

AND THEN! She sits down with a bunch of girls, and some girl says something like, "I didn't know there were two roses?" and "Des" says, with a total bitch face, "Uh, I think he can do whatever he wants." And THEN, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee walks in with a rose! Plain Paige's head practically explodes with confusion and frustration, and again, AshLee drops the "Isn't this exciting?!" thing.

Ladies. It's not appropriate to say, "isn't this exciting" about getting a rose to a roomful of rose-less girls. That's like me winning a million dollars and turning to my poor friend and saying, "Isn't this great! I'm rich and you're still poor and isn't this exciting?!"

So THEN, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee starts to test Tierra on whether or not hers is really the First Impression Rose. Like Tierra was just lying about it all the time or something... "So...was yours really the First Impression? Because..." Lifetime Original Move AshLee says, as she points to her, Desiree, and Tierra, "but then we all got it, after." Tierra reminds us once again that she got hers right after the limo - after saying a sentence to Sean...that's all that she said, everybody, a sentence - but Lifetime Original Movie AshLee isn't giving up. "I mean, you're stunning, but it definitely wasn't The First Impression Rose, it was just the first rose."

Like, whoa. This really is Lifetime Original Movie stuff! I bet Tierra tries to kill her later through a stealthily-planned "accident"...like while hanging around the Bachelor Mansion pool or while tripping her down the mansion stairs or something...

So then it turns out that Sean is just giving out roses willy-nilly during the cocktail party! Got great energy? Here's a rose! Seems like a great connection? Here's a rose! Can string an entire grammatically-correct sentence together? Baby, you get a rose, too! It's really uncomfortable, though, when he talks to a girl like Ashley H. and then doesn't give her a rose.

Wedding Dress Lindsay time! She asks for a dance with him, and then playfully tries to get him to kiss her ("Gimme a kiss! Gimme a kiss, baby!"). Which makes sense with her saying she's a goofball, but kind of makes her look crazy. Or drunk. But also...weirdly cute? She did not get a rose, though, and felt like she maybe blew it...and wishes that she had maybe worn a normal dress. Which I totally get...it's like that time when you went to a Halloween dance when you were in the 7th grade, and you put together this really cool '60s Mod-style costume, only no one there got it because everyone else, like you, was in middle school but had actually normal interests like riding bikes and rollerblading and not watching old sitcoms like "Patti Duke" on Nick & Nite or reading pulp fiction novels that you religiously checked out from the library despite the librarian's disapproving looks every time you brought one up to the counter.

Not that I know anyone who went through that.

And then...Fifty Shades of Grey Girl gets drunk and slurs, "Do we...need me to start dancing?" She's obliterated and does a LOT of bumping and grinding. It's hilarious. She tries to interrupt Sean and Plain Paige, but Paige stands her ground, and so Ashley P. is made to wait - and dance - until their time is up. Sean tells Ashley P that he hasn't forgotten about the tie - "I also brought a rape whistle in case I get into trouble." - and Ashley goes into a story about how Sean got dumped by Emily but it's okay because Ashley's mom already loves him. She's sooooo drunk...so drunk, in fact, that Sean says, "Fifty Shades of Grey may have become Fifty Shades of Drunk tonight."

Hilarious!

Not as hilarious, though, as the moment when Ashley walks inside and then falls right on her ass.

Love it.

So more roses get handed out, and Taryn starts gets weepy about not being the kind of girl who's going to fight over a guy. Brooke tries to tell her how it is when you're up in the clurrrb (I love that Brooke) and you want to talk to a man but another girl is already talking to him, but it doesn't matter - Teary Taryn is NOT going to fight with other girls over a guy!

This is going to pose a problem for her in the future, I feel like.

Also, she "can't say that he hasn't noticed her, because it would be impossible that he hasn't."

So that's nice. Conceited AND cries before the first night is over? This girl is going to be fun...

So THEN! Right at that moment, Sean comes over, and Teary Taryn starts to laugh - hahahahaha! You're here! I'm so relieved! - and tells him that he should sit down, but INSTEAD, he tells her that he should actually steal Brooke for a moment, which is JUST THE BEST EVER, because they walk away and then the next thing we know, Teary Taryn is sitting on a stairwell somewhere, crying her little Hot Mess Heart out to Country Kelly.

God, I love this show...

Okay, then one of the weirdest moments in the entire show happens...

We see One-Armed Sarah talking to the girls about being nervous to go talk to Sean, and then we see her talking to us in the Bachelor Confessional...only, in the Confessional, it seriously looks like she just gained 15 pounds. She's in the same white dress, but her face is super puffy and she seriously looks like she gained 15 pounds.

Did anyone else catch that? That was weird, right? 

Anyway, so Sarah talks about the fact that she thinks men get intimated by the fact that she only has one arm, and that maybe "they feel like it's just easier to date a girl with two arms."   Can't...make...bad jokes...about...one arm...so...hard...
And then she said that she'd give her right arm to get a rose. 
But so she gets up her courage and talks to him and ends up getting a rose, so that's cool. And she didn't even have to lose her other arm to do it!
(I'm sorry. I'm sorry to my family, to my teachers, to everyone who ever believed in me...)
The First Rose Ceremony
Just because Sean gave a rose to everyone who bought him a cocktail does NOT mean that there won't still be a Rose Ceremony, everybody.
It's just going to be way shorter than usual.
But! And this time! They separate the girls who have roses and the ones who do not, which is kind of suuuuper embarrassing for the girls who don't, right? Awkward Silence Girl (apparently her name is Amanda ) get a rose, Lesley gets one, Kacie does, too, then Kristy, then "For A Good Time Call" Daniella, and Teary Taryn, who practically starts crying again out of relief. Then it's the final rose...who does it go to?

Wedding Dress Lindsay!

Which means these girls got cut -
Fifty Shades of Drunk, Ashley P. Cruise Ship Kelly "Lace" Ashley H. Plain Paige Italian Lauren First Plain Paige (she never gets a rose!) cries, then Country Kelly does because she feels like it's really embarrassing to be the girl who sung a song and then got cut...but as my Twitter pal Kristin Lenander stated,
"It's not embarrassing that you sang a song on The Bachelor, it is embarrassing that you cried after knowing him for TWO HOURS." 
The one issue I had with elimination - why "Lace"? She was suuuuper pretty - arguably the most pretty girl there - and while she didn't talk much, she seemed cool? Thought that was odd.
Then a bunch more girls cried about being sent home and then the ones who got roses raised glasses of champagne to their heartbreak and disillusionment and drank the sweet, sweet bubbly elixir of their tears. 
Predictions and Data Collection:
Top Four Picks Thus Far: Catherine Desiree Lesley DianaHow many times Sean mentions Emily: 5 times

How many times Sean says "absolutely": 6 times

How many girls cry: 4

How many girls get drunk: 2.5 (I'm counting Teary Taryn as def. drunk, and Wedding Dress Lindsay as a possible)
The first girl to declare "I'm not here to make friends":
How many times do the girls say "This is just really hard"/"I just didn't think it would be this hard.": 5 (Ashley H., One-Armed Sarah, Teary Taryn, Country Kelly, and Plain Paige).

And that's it! That's it for the first episode of the season. It only took two hours of television time and about 5 hours of blog writing, photo and link loading.

A swell, well-justified use of time, I'd say!



For more musings on champagne, hot tubs, and real love, follow along on Twitter and Facebook!

Maybe Not Monday: The Scammer Jammer Edition

Let's be real for a second:

We all think we're smart enough to spot a scammer/spammer on online dating sites.

But the truth is, 90% of people? Are not.

So today for Maybe Not Monday, I'm going to cover some obvious scammer/spammer tricks...and maybe some not-so-obvious ones. Because while I mostly feel like, if you fall the for the obvious ones you deserve to get spammed, sometimes you're just feeling super sad and lonely and then you get a message from really cute girl who seems super sweet and "ready for fun" and you think, "Hey, what have I got to lose except for my personal identity and positive credit rating and my entire life savings?"

So this post is for you, pal.

(learn all about it after the jump!)



(my comments in bold)

Example #1
My self-summary
I am a sexy, loyal, and devoted woman who's looking for a man to please me.I need someone to share personal moments with, enjoy life and to firmly hold the blessings of a lasting and undying happiness. I can't receive message on here due to one reason or the other kindly Text me on this number 585 205 7687. Here's some obvious telltale signs of a scammer, in descending order of obviousness -* She can't receive messages (or " message") on there, so she wants you to contact her via her phone number.* She puts her phone number in her profile. * She is looking for a man to please her. * She puts in stuff that could be lifted from a devotional-type Hallmark card: "Blessings of a lasting and undying happiness." This is to throw you off the skank trail, because it leads you to think that she's a good, deep, emotional person who just needs to get laid, you know? Kind of like you. "Loyal" and "devoted" - you might not believe me - and I probably wouldn't have, either, until I became a moderator - but 99.9% of all scamming profiles contain these two words. It's like SEO for spammers.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm a Nursing student in final year. Of course she is. 
I’m really good at
Making people laugh Obviously! Who doesn't love a sexy, loyal, and devoted nursing student who can also make people laugh?!
You should message me ifYou are looking for relationship and you must be honest,caring,loving,understanding,generous,trustworthy man. You're all these things, right? Of course you are!
Example #2  My self-summaryI am honest, down to earth and searching for my real love to spend the rest of my life with. am seeking a true lover and a marriage minded man who is willing to live together with loyal and devoted (see?!?!) woman for mutual benefits and not just for fun. Here's the thing, and I hate to say this because I don't want to sound like one of those people who think that those who don't have complete mastery of the English Language (aka, one of the most complex and confusing languages in the history of the world) are all idiots or spammers, but it is fairly true that you can spot a spammer by noting odd language like "for mutual benefits." If it sounds weird that an All-American-looking girl is writing things like the above, it's usually because she's not.   What I’m doing with my lifeI returned back to school after spending so many years at bar as a waitress "So many years at bar as a waitress." I fully support your decision to go back to school. I’m really good atmaking people smile Aw, that's nice! Girls who love to laugh and make people smile...it's like the golden elixir for fools... The first things people usually notice about meI cant really say but I guess its my eyes "Or my poor mastery of what you are to assume to be first language for me!"I spend a lot of time thinking aboutwhy an attractive young lady like me has no mate Nobody except older men ever, ever utters a sentence like this. 

Example #3
My self-summaryI'm a kind of a woman that really believe in the Lord.I was born and raise in U S,I'm passionate,easy going,trust worthy,loyal, cool,calm,caring, devoted and understanding.i am single looking for the right man to take good care of me.I love going to beaches,cinemas,museum.I love cooking,reading and playing video games.I love playing and watching sports like football,basketball,baseball,hockey and others. Remember what I said about weird language? Also, no one "born and raise in U S" feels the need to state that in their profile. And, no one who was actually born and raised in the US uses the word "cinema" unless they're completely assholes.

Example #4From flagger to ______ Hey JoycelynEverett, We chose each other! Reply to this message to contact me. If you don't want to receive rating messages, go to the settings page to change your notification settings.This message was sent to you by OkCupid on behalf of ebowhold4uFrom ______ to flagger: Heyy, How are you? You're cute. What brings you to okcupid?From flagger to ____ Well I'm here looking for someone I can have a really meaningful relationship with and not play games. You? Btw why's you profile incomplete​From ______ to flagger: Yeahhh, I'm not looking for anything very serious right now, just something 'casual'. I broke up with my cheating exboyfriend a few weeks ago. I've just been bored and kind of lonely, taking a bunch of pictures on my phone tonight. I was trying to upload some here but it won't let me because they are too inappropriate I guess :( I'm gonna hop offline for now, you should just text my phone at ***-***-****, but make sure you tell me your name so I know who you are :):) "Hey cutie! Just lying around, taking naked pics of my totally hot bod! You seem super cute and nice...totally NOT like my creep ex-boyfriend who cheated on me! You would NEVER do that to me, would you? I can trust you, can't I...even though I'm totally not looking for something serious right now, just lots and lots of hot sex with nice cute guys like you! Oh oops, gotta go! Why don't you just give me your phone number and I'll send you all of these super hot pics to your phone and then steal your identity and hack into your bank account for you? It'll be so much fun! *giggles*
Also note the same yet slightly lazier tactic in this common (seriously, I've seen a hundred messages following this same exact formula since becoming a mod) message -
hi what stuff are you currently into? I have a few naugthy pitcures. but I can't ulpoad tehm here at okcupid. hvae you a mobile number and I can message you thanksBecause who doesn't want naugthy pitcures from someone who is an obvious tech (and spelling) genius genius, right?
hi there what hobbies are you currently into? I have some eortic pics but I can't ulpoad them here at okcupid. do you got an mobile number and I can send them to you thanksDoes anyone know what "eortic" pics are? 
Now, to compare and contrast, here's an example of a profile that is obviously NOT a spammer - My self-summaryI cant fucking believe im on here. my friend made me make this basically. she found her bf on here so I guess ill try to do the same.

So Im Meghan, blow out my candles on March 22nd. Studying nursing at BC & living for the weekend like every one else.. What's up with everyone being nurses on OkC? What I’m doing with my lifeNursing school atm I’m really good atAlot of stuff ; ) no really listening, talking. being there for people. also i make really good pasta The first things people usually notice about meI mean my personality is genuine, Im strong and determened. Also if Im honest my boobs n butt lmao At least she's honest, lmao! Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and foodmovies-bridesmaids, 16 candles, four brothers the notebook. basicaly anything w/ ryan gosling omg hes fucking sex on a stick. music- lil wayne mac miller kurt kobain nicki minaj alanis lol. food im not picky but i like italian. my dads italian and his grandpa started the most popular italian restarant in Brockton so if u take me out to eat I might judge the food that way lol. I like that she can't even handle how hot Ryan Gosling is that she simply had to state, for the record, that he's "sex on a stick" in a profile that is meant to draw other guys in. So classic. I love it.  I spend a lot of time thinking aboutmy future, what my kids will look like, whens the next time Im goin out and gettin laid lol I'm actually starting to kind of dig this girl. She IS refreshingly honest... On a typical Friday night I amWith my girls getting our drank on You should message me ifYou have more to say then just HEY or WHATS UP. If u say that youll get ignored.

you have a 6 pack and are at least kind of hot.

u make ur own money.

you know the difference between your and youre. 
But not, obviously, the difference between "u" and "you", "ur" and "your", "youre" and "you're". That stuff is totally not importante!


For more illuminating online dating insights that obviously could only have been gained from so much experience it's almost embarrassing, follow along on Twitter and Facebook.

Sunday Night Special: "Amber Carter Chicken, a.k.a., Melts In Your Mouth"

Here on An Amber-Colored Life, we're fans of blogging series.

We've got Maybe Not Monday.

Red Wing Wednesday.

(Starting this weeeeeek!) Bachelor Tuesday.

(Starting next week) Another series that I'm still fleshing out a name for and therefore am not quite ready to talk about yet (but am verrrrry excited about).

And starting tonight? Sunday Night Special.

For each Sunday Night Special, I'll be posting a new recipe (most will be plucked off Pinterest) that I've made and actually liked. This recipe will also be paired with a wine selection and a TV series, because there's nothing better to combat the Sunday Night Blues than congratulating yourself on your culinary prowess over a glass of wine and an episode from a TV show that everyone else has seen and talked about already except for you.

For tonight's Sunday Night Special, I made this:


Which actually turned out to look like this -

But whatever. The chicken was fully done, and it still tasted AWESOME.

You'll need -

1/2 cup parmesean cheese
1 cup greek yogurt
1 tsp garlic powder
1.5 tsp salt (I use kosher sea salt. Because fancy)
1/2 tsp pepper

Mix it up.

Caress the sauce lovingly all over the top of the breast, then flip that chick(en) over and spread that love all over the backside.

Yeah. You heard me.

Tip: I used three LARGE chicken breasts - seriously, these things either came from giant chickens or trolls from Middle Earth...they were that huge - but I think five regular-sized chicken breasts would do nicely with this amount of mix.

I baked it for 45 minutes at 375 degrees, and while it cooked the chicken all the way through and kept it tender, I think if I would have eyeballed it and cooked it for maybe 15 minutes longer, it might have given the coating the crispness that you see in the original pic. That stuff's always tricky, though...I think the coating is thick enough that it'd be hard to dry out the chicken if you cooked it longer, but that's a personal choice and I don't live your life, so you're going to have decide what's right for you on your own.

Pair it with a crisp white - I chose Rex Goliath Free Range White, because it's cheap and easy, just like this chicken recipe - and cue up the two-part series finale of Dawson's Creek . The ridic flavor of this chicken will accompany on you while you sit on the edge of your seat, wondering for the 50th billionth time whether or not Joey will choose Pacey Or Dawson, and while you alternately roll your eyes and then bawl them out when That Really Sad Thing Happens That We All Somehow Knew Was Going To Happen All Along. And while you mourn for the passing of the show of your early 20's - Abercrombie & Fitch! Cool Christian music songs featured during episodes that were so cool no one knew they were Christian! Really big words and pretentious conversations about stuff like masturbation and sailing! The hidden heartthrob that was Pacey! - you can also delight in the future of culinary delights at the same time. One loss is also a gain.

God closes a TV door, and opens a Chicken window.

Or something like that.

Anyway. Happy Sunday Night everybody!


To follow along with other recipes I've tried and loved, head on over to Pinterest and follow the Tried & True board and the newly-created Sunday Night Special board.

Peace.

Originally written November 5, 2012 -

“But you can’t get to any of these truths by sitting in a field smiling beatifically, avoiding your anger and damage and grief. Your anger and damage and grief are the way to the truth. We don’t have much truth to express unless we have gone into those rooms and closets and woods and abysses that we were told not go in to. When we have gone in and looked around for a long while, just breathing and finally taking it in – then we will be able to speak in our own voice and to stay in the present moment. And that moment is home.”- Ann Lamott  
Sometimes all you can do is ask for peace. In the past couple of weeks, I've been reading a lot of Marianne Williamson...it's been funny, how I'll be struggling with something, and then I'll open  A Return To Love  and find the exact answer to the thing with which I'm struggling. "Ask for peace of mind," she writes, when talking about goals and life vision and daily life quandaries. Because that's all there is, isn't it? When you're asking for something, you're merely asking for the vehicle that will bring you peace, comfort, and happiness. So why not just ask for peace first?

So I did. I went to my meditation pillow and put the words I've written here into practice and allowed myself to just process though this stuff. And I asked for peace. No matter what has happened or what will happen, I just want peace. Every day I felt that same old pain, I brought it back to a request for peace. Please just give me some peace of mind. It even became kind of a hilarious mantra...every time I started to feel sad or disillusioned or angry, I'd breathe through it and then bring it back to my intention, thinking "PEACE!" inside my head, the way my favorite rapper says it right before he drops the mic. Big and loud and fuckin' powerful.

And then I got some. 

It was a big day.  A Course In Miracles  says there is no order of difficulty in miracles, and yesterday was definite proof of that. I will be forever grateful for the courage it took for a particular person to reach out, because it changed everything. Everything. I got the peace I was looking for. I got the closure I so wanted. I got the information I needed to move on, to fully release the things I was holding on to - the sadness, regret, confusion, and anger. That stuff is no longer mine to keep. I still have some things to work out on my own, but I don't have to feel bad about this anymore. And I'm not going to. I'm going to forgive and move on, and I'm going to hold gratitude that things turned out exactly the way they did. I know it's still going to be a process, with its own set of peaks and valleys, but today I woke up for the first time and didn't feel pain about this.

And that is a miraculous thing.