Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 42

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My buddy Art (and my buddy Pete!) made the Pioneer Press today for his awesome event, The Minnesota Beard-Off. The past three years, it's been amazing to watch him grow this event from a fun night at a small bar to a huge event that's now taking place in four major cities in four different states (MPLS, MN; Madison, WI; Cleveland, OH; Boston, MA).

Even if you ALREADY have plans on Saturday, you should still go to the Beard-Off. You do not even KNOW how radical it's going to be until you're there.

Or, if you're in my (now) neck of the woods, plan on hitting it up in Madison on March 2nd.

And congrats, Art & Pete! Seriously...between this and Tipsy Pixels? Talk about nerd event world domination...

The Bachelor Recap, Episode 5: Love Lift Us Up Where We Don't Belong

Welcome to the first of the most dramatic/exciting/epic two-episode event yet of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!
This week we're not only taken to new heights in love and drama, but also to new heights in helicopters and insanity. 
Strap in your seat belt after the jump! 

This episode opens up in THE MOST DRAMATIC WAY YET.
Without Sean shirtless. 
I'm not kidding. First we see Chris come into the living room, tell the girls that there's only 11 of them left, and that they'll be going on a group date, one-on-one date, and the dreaded two-on-one date this week. And then he announced that they'll be going on a worldwide journey (to find love, of course. Not ratings) that starts TODAY! They'll be meeting Sean in Montana, where the date card will be waiting for them. 
Because of course they get to go to Montana right? Sometimes I suspect that people mainly hate this show because they're jealous of all the free trips that the girls get. It's kind of Road Rules - let's find the most shallow and annoying people in the universe and then give them everybody's dream trips to reward them for being vapid enough to be on the show. 
So THEN! We find Sean...WITH HIS SHIRT ON. WHAT?! WHY! And then we realize...oh no, you guys. We're going someplace cold, in the mountains. WE MIGHT NEVER SEE HIM WITH HIS SHIRT OFF AGAIN!!!!
We should probably just stop watching this show right now.

But we don't, because Sean climbs into a puddle jumper of a plane, lands on a lake somewhere in the middle of Glacier National Park, and tells us about how he's an outdoor guy...the girls are going to be roughin' it this week, but he loves it and he hopes they do, too.

And this is the point where I'm practically kicking myself, because seriously - golden Texas family boy who also looks like the modern age Brawny paper towel hottie (remember when we were younger and he had a mustache? I still think that guy is way hotter than the one that's on there now) in his flannel and jeans in the Montana mountains? Jesus. Good job, Bachelor producers...

The girls arrive in Whitefish, Montana. For A Good Time Call Daniella calls Sean her boyfriend, which is hilarious because I don't think I seen her have one private conversation with the guy yet. The girls all pull up to a fantastic lodge (called...wait for it...The Lodge) at Whitefish Lake, they ooh and aah over the rooms, and then Selma finds the date card. Temper Tantrum Tierra wants it and thinks, of course, that she deserves it, but instead, Lindsay gets it, and she cries a little because she's so excited, which does not make me worry a little for her emotional stability at all. The date card reads, "Let love soar"...do you guys think that they're going to fly somewhere? Maybe in a helicopter? Maybe in a plane? It would be so unexpected if they did!!!
The Most Non-Dramatic One-On-One Date Ever!
Sean walks into the girls lodge looking hot in a flannel, and he and Lindsay go off on their date...to find a helicopter waiting, of course! So they let love lift them up where they don't belong, where the eagles fly, on the mountainside, where they just lie around for a while, talking and making out during what looks like a picnic, but is really just a glorified make-out spot. 
Later that night we find them at another awesome lodge in Whitefish, and they're once again lying around, talking and making out, only this time it's in front of a roaring fire and they're actually drinking wine. They do seem pretty sweet together, and it's actually a nice, kind of normal one-on-one date, to tell the truth - just talking and getting to know each other. You can't talk much when you're jumping out of a plane.
Sean asks Lindsay to tell him about her childhood, bringing up the fact that she had told him previously that she was an Army brat. So she talks about hating to move around so much even though it made her a really strong person, and then she talks about her dad having to go off to war when she was younger and not knowing if she would ever see him gain, and so that's kind of why she now seeks security and family. Sean holds up the rose and rubs Lindsay's face with it. "This is just a preview of what's to come, Lindsay," he tells her. "You're going to make an amazing wife...will you accept this penis? I mean! Will you accept this rose!"
Lindsay smiles and tells him she will, and then Sean tells her he might have one more surprise for her. 
Unfortunately, as we find out, it's not the one in his pants. 
It's a concert in the middle of Whitefish with some band that no one's ever heard of! How surprising! How unpredictable! How fucking painful! 
Apparently, though, the entire town has come out to see the concert by Sarah Darling, because apparently the producers thought it would be super romantic to slow dance to a song that starts with, "I wanna be your cigarette." If the producers are going to keep insisting on making us sit through all these "private concerts" (and yes, I know that the owners of ABC also own a record label, which is the real reason for all of this), couldn't they at least get a good act? One that we're actually going to be excited about listening to while we have to watch Sean and Lindsay stand on a raised platform above the crowd and awkwardly sway back and forth?
And then Lindsay starts talking with her little girl voice again: "And I'm excited...because he likes me!" And suddenly I don't like her anymore.
Where We Talk A Lot About "Goat's Milk" But Where Everyone Is Actually Thinking About Something Else
Group Date a.k.a. torture time! The girls going on the "You make my heart race" date are Selma, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee, Bridal Betty/Des, Catherine, One-Armed Sarah, Lesley M., Robyn, and For A Good Time Call Daniella.
Which also means that the two-on-one date will be Temper Tantrum Tierra and Jackie. Tierra tells everyone she's so excited because that's exactly the stuff that immature girls do to annoy others, and Lifetime Original Movie AshLee comments that she thinks Tierra should be more sober (uh, I think you mean "somber") about it. Jackie thinks Tierra's a fake girl, because apparently this is the time where we all state the obvious.
But anyway! We got a group date to go on, which also means that we get to see what kind of cute "woodsy" outfits these girls can put together! Catherine wins with her super cute white beanie, and Selma loses with that god-awful sparkly/sequined headband that bugs me so much that it actually makes me angry, but I can't figure out why. See?! Look how ugly that headband is!!They pull up to a lake to find goats, canoes, and haybales,, and some huge logs with saws, and Chris announces that they're going to have a relay race! Because who doesn't love that, right?! They'll race canoes, move hay bales, and milk a goat. And the kicker is that, at the end, one of the girls has to drink the goat's milk to complete the competition, and get this: The losing team goes home/back to their free fantasy lodgings. YOU GUYS! WHY are they doing all of this unpredictable stuff this week?!!
Des says that she'll down that goat's milk, because she's used to downing white stuff, so she doesn't care. Which makes me laugh, because. Ha. Hahahahaahaha!  So they're divided up into the Blue Team and the Red Team, which stands for "All The Girls That I Like" and "All The Girls That I Could Really Care Less About". The canoe race starts, with Lesley and Catherine for the blue team, and Robyn and Selma for the red team. They all start out okay, but then they both start going the wrong way, which is hilarious to watch. Catherine and Lesley get righted, but Selma and Robyn keep losing directions, and Robyn tells us that they "must have gone into every bush there." Which, again. Ha. Hahahahahaahahha! Maybe Selma could have figured it out if she wouldn't have worn such an ugly headband, but alas, she was, so they totally lost the canoe race. 
But the Red Team gains momentum when it's time to move hay bales and saw the log, and even though their goat kicked over their glass of milk because the goat obviously knew that Sean's future wife was on the Blue Team, they still managed to fill up their glass before the Red Team. Des guzzles it, and it streams all over her face and shirt. 
Heh. 
Those goats must have eaten a lot of pineapple the night before the relay race.
So the Red Team wins. Des tells us she's excited that they won because she doesn't like to lose, ever, whcih is like the total opposite of everyone. The Blue Team has to go home, and they look pretty bummed about it.
The winning team - One-Armed Sarah, Robyn, Selma, Des - and Sean head to a bar in Whitefish, which looks cool.  There's not anyone on this team who are on my favorites, and apparently Sean agrees, because he suddenly decides to bend the rules a little bit. The next thing we know, Chris shows up at the Ladies Lodge and gives the Blue Team a date card. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee reads it, and it says that sending them home didn't feel good, so please join Sean at the party tonight. Chris says that Sean felt that sending the team home completely defeated his purpose of being here, and the girls start whooping and hollering because they're so excited to go to a bar where they get to sit around and maybe talk to Sean for five minutes each.
Then Sean tells the Red Team that he has decided to invite the Blue Team to the party.  Des is livid, because she drank a whole glass of goat's jizz milk and now isn't going to get anything out it, even though she and her team just did by having that whole time with Sean up until that point.
Meanwhile, back at the Ladies Lodge, Temper Tantrum Tierra is pissed that the losers get to spend time with Sean, and she doesn't. "That's not fair for me." 
I just...want...to hit...this girl. Like seriously, I don't advocate violence, but sometimes I think that punching her in her face while she's talking about "what's not fair" for her would feel sooooo good. 
And I feel like I'm not the first one to think that...or follow through on it. 
So Temper Tantrum Tierra decides that she needs to go find Sean because she doesn't know where his head is at, and she needs to find out. UGH!
Meanwhile, back at the "party", Selma's SO mad that they worked really hard to get that extra time and now they lost it. Robyn says that if one of the girls from the Blue Team gets the rose tonight, she's going to lose it. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee doesn't feel bad about it at all, because she is not here to be bypassed by some other lady who's building a better connection with Sean than her! (seriously, how do you guys like this girl?!) Sean is very excited to see the girls from the Blue Team. Sarah looks sulky, Robyn's pouting. Temper Tantrum Tierra is walking down the street, wearing one of the blue flannel shirts from the relay race, and goes into the bar. She walks in while Sean's doing a one-on-one with the camera, and the producer, right on cue, asks "Do you expect any more surprises tonight?", right as Tierra sneaks up behind him and puts her hands over his eyes.
Sean is shocked! to see her. He tells us he was happy to see her, but he had no idea why she was there. Tierra doesn't care what people think of her, and obviously not, because she tells him that she came all the way to Montana to spend time with him, which means that most people would think she's crazy and delusional since the show came all the way to Montana for the show and she's just along for the ride. So then she starts bugging him again about not having more time with him, and it's just like...how can you stand this stuff? This is stuff that girls used to do in the 10th grade. It's so annoying. She tells him that the two-on-one felt like a huge slap in the face, because it's all about her and not about Sean, and Sean doesn't say much. They kiss and she leaves, saying that she's glad that she did what her gut told her to do and that she got all of that out, and she feels so much better now...notice that she doesn't care if Sean feels so much better, just that she does. Sean tells us that the fact that she came out tonight...he doesn't know what to make of it. EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD DOES, AND IT MEANS THAT SHE'S PSYCHO.
Des and Sean have some one-on-one time, and Des complains some more about having to drink goat jizz milk and then not getting the reward. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee interrupts, like, two seconds after Sean and Des sit down, and it is actually pretty rude. AshLee tells us that she thinks that obviously there's one person in the Blue Team that he wants to spend time with, and she can't help but think that it's her (nope! It's not! It's Catherine, you crazy bitch!) And then she gets all sappy and soft with him, which Sean seems to like, even though it's totally gross. They tell each other that they adore each other, and then they kiss. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee then tells us that she can honestly say that from the bottom of her crooked face and her crazy brain that she is falling in love with Sean.
Catherine and Sean walk out onto the street to go somewhere "private", and Sean picks up Catherine and carries her over to a bench, and it's SO adorable I can't even stand it. She sits on his lap, and instead of it being weird, it looks cute and totally normal, like they've been doing this stuff for years. For A Good Time Call Daniella walks down the stairs in her ugly neon green cotton dress and Sunday morning church cardigan to go find Sean...she opens the door to the outside and sees that Catherine is on Sean's lap, so she turns back and starts crying. Daniella feels bad becuse she's one of the last ones to get time with Sean, and that he's connected with a lot of the girls already, and she doesn't want to feel like she has to fight for it, even though that's the whole entire point of this show. 
Sean and Catherine come back, and he asks Daniella to come and talk to him. She starts crying again, and unlike all the other Bachelors ever, Sean doesn't freak out when he sees tears, and is actually really caring and nice. He reassures her that even though she's got god-awful roots in her hair and the worst fashion sense of the house, he still likes being with her and he always has fun with her. He doesn't want her to feel like he's forgotten about her, because while that's the closest thing to the truth for everyone else, it's the furthest thing from the truth according to that moment. She goes in for the kiss, and it seriously looks and sounds like the Super Bowl Go Daddy Commercial where the model kisses the nerd. Loud smacking noises and everything. Gross. 
So the date ends and Sean tells the girls that he's very happy he invited the Blue Team back. He tells the girls that he had a great time today, and that one of the girls definitely stood out because she showed a side he hadn't seen before. He gives the rose to Daniella. Robyn is so pissed! It's hilarious.
Two Women, One Rose: One Stays, One Goes
Time for the two-on-one date! Pretty Jackie and Temper Tantrum Tierra head out for their date with Sean, and Tierra tells us that she's going to put herself out there because you have to be aggressive. God...she's like a spoiled five year old princess. Even just her face is annoying to me. Then she tells us that Jackie has no idea that she's out on a date with Tierra and her husband, and then bursts out laughing. Ever notice that the only time Tierra laughs is when she's making fun of someone?
Horses! They're going on a horse-riding date. Jackie's horse is lagging behind, which is awkward. Jackie tells us that there's something she feels Sean should know about Tierra, which basically means that Jackie's going to go home. Jackie and Sean get some time together on a mountain side, and she goes right into the Tierra spiel. "I'm not one way around the girls and another way around you," she tells him. "Are you implying that someone else is?" Sean asks. No, no! But YES. So then Jackie tells him that Tierra saw a cute guy at the airport on their way to Montana that she started flirting with him. Sean tells her that that's something that does directly affect him, so he does need to know that stuff, and it looks, for the moment, that Jackie won't fall under the dreaded curse of "There's Something You Should Know About One Of The Girls Here." 
There's a lot of gulping of wine and eating of fish at dinner, and Sean takes Tierra outside to talk to her.  Tierra pretty much knows that Jackie probably talked shit about her to Sean (which is a sure sign that you're a shitty person, if you automatically suspect that someone is always talking shit about you). She tells him that she has the biggest heart (nope) and she just wants to love and be loved back. THEN she tells him about her boyfriend of 5 years, and how he was in and out of rehab. Which doesn't surprise me at all, actually, that Tierra had a boyfriend who was in and out of rehab. She tells Sean that she stuck by this boyfriend, and then he passed away in 2009, while they were still together, and she felt like she lost her best friend. That's why she is the way she is - she's scared of losing someone again.

Sean TOTALLY EATS THIS UP. I mean, whatever - I feel bad for anyone who's lost someone that young, but she totally ripped that story out to be manipulative. And he fell for it, of course. 

So they go back inside, and Sean picks up the rose, and you know he's going to give it to Tierra. And then he gives it to Tierra. He says that he hates sending a sweet girl like Jackie home, but obviously not enough to send a psycho girl like Tierra home instead. As he walks Jackie out, she tells her that she wants him to be careful with his heart, which of course means, "Stop believing psycho bitches and start making smart decisions, asshat." 
Sean and Tierra go and sit by a campfire. Fireworks start, and Tierra again acts like the most annoying 5-year-old in the world. .Jackie's crying on her way home, and I feel bad for her. Tierra tells us that she saw tears forming in Jackie's eyes when Tierra got the rose, and then Tierra breaks out into a huge psycho laugh that's actually kind of scary.
Cocktail Party In Big Lie Country
During the cocktail party, Sean gets some one-on-one time with Des, who looks a lot cuter without her dumb bangs in the way. Des feels like he gives roses to the girls who are having a hard time, and she tells him that his decisions are confusing. Sean kind of gets defensive and wants to know what's confusing, even though EVERYONE in the WORLD knows that she means him giving roses to Tierra all the time. Sean tells Des that he wants her to be honest with him and not keep him in the dark if there's something that he needs to know, but instead, Des wusses out and doesn't tell him, because she's much more comfortable talking about people behind their backs than she is about being honest to someone's face. They leave it at that and Sean tells us he doesn't feel good about where he is with Des right now.
The girls are all sitting around, and they start talking about Jackie and how she was the sweetest person in the house. Tierra storms off like a 5 yr old and goes and sits by herself in another room. Tierra wishes that she was a fighter, she honestly does, because then she would beat the shit out of these bitches!Which is a totally normal and mentally healthy thing to say. Robyn, however, is sick of this BS. Robyn is so sick of her, she will make this into the Bad Girls Club! Which is, like, the BEST quote all season. Robyn and Lesley go and start talking to Tierra. Tierra immediately starts having a temper tantrum again. Robyn states that Tierra is one way when the cameras are off, and another way when the cameras are on. Lesley tells Tierra that her problem with her is, that, usually, when people ask other people questions, they answer them like a normal human beings (which implies that Tierra doesn't, which was hilarious and amazing. I love Lesley). 
But in case you missed it, Tierra doesn't care what you say. She only cares how you look at each other. About her. And she's NOT insecure, everyone else is, and they all need to stop worrying about her and everything she does, because she is like SO over this!
Tierra is kind of that girl that you knew in 2nd grade whose dad had another family in Texas and whose mom was kind of a golddigger floozy who drove a red convertible and wore really low cut tops and flirted with all the other dads at school so badly that it even made you uncomfortable, even though you were in 2nd grade and barely knew anything. And the girl loved to brag about her mom even though nobody even cared and she was always trying really hard to get all the attention from the teachers and faking injuries on the playground so she could cry and get people to feel sorry for her and stealing and hoarding all the best crayons during color time and just being generally such a total spoiled brat that sometimes, when you had to stand behind her in the lunch line, you mighthave pulled her hair or poked her in the back with the sharp end of your pencil, and then when she tried to cry to the principal about it, you acted like you had no idea! what she was talking about and since the principal couldn't stand her, either, you totally got off scot-free and she started crying and screaming and stamping her feet and she tried to call her mom to get you into trouble but her mom was like, "Tierra, stop being such a crybaby, and don't call me from school anymore - you know I'm on a ski trip in Aspen with Richard" and you kind of felt bad for her again because seriously, how much would it suck to have a mom like that who obviously didn't really want to be a mom but also deep down, how much would it suck to have a daughter like that so you didn't really feel bad at all, not even when she got pregnant right out of high school, because even though that would suck for someone else, you're pretty sure that she poked holes in her boyfriend's condom so he couldn't go away to college and leave her while she started her Mary Kay business after graduation in your hometown, because that's exactly the type of girl that she was.
So anyway, it was kind of hilarious to see Tierra get called out and then throw a total fit about it. Sean walks by while Tierra is "getting heated" with Robyn. Sean tells us that he doesn't know if the girls are ganging up on her, and that he needs to get to the bottom of it, so he goes and finds Tierra and takes her outside to talk. Tierra is like, "What the heck, all these girls are ganging up on me, even though I'm not doing anything to any of these girls", and then tells him, "I'm not a drama person at all." BULLSHIT! EVERYONE who's a TOTAL DRAMA person says they're not a drama person at all. It's like the people who say they're a really good judge of character - they are the WORST judges of character! Sean asks her who's ganging up on her, and she replies, "EVERYONE!" Which should really be his first warning sign, but of course it's not. "It's just frustrating for me," Tierra continues, "Because I am such a nice girl, and no one gives me credit here." Well. I mean...she's good at lying, right?
Sean doesn't want to be naive, so he decides to go talk to someone else about it. Sean pulls Lesley away, and he tells her that he keeps hearing Tierra's name come up, and that he's frustrated because everyone is so vague. He asks Lesley if there's anything he needs to know about Tierra that directly affects him. Lesley tells him that it's not an easy question to answer. She tells him that Teirra is very cold, and that she doesn't care about making friends with any of the girls here. But Sean still doesn't feel like he has any proof of whether Tierra is a nice girl or if she's the kind of girl that everyone else says that she is. 
Men of the Earth: In the entire history of The Bachelor, the girls have never complained about or ganged up on any girl who was actually just "a really nice girl" who didn't deserve it. NEVER. NEVER EVER. 
And I'm kind of frustrated because no one is getting up the balls to JUST TELL HIM about how psycho Tierra is, even though he's ASKING them to. This is different than taking your alone time with Sean as an opportunity to bash some other girl. He WANTS to know what he's missing. UGH!
So Sean is upset, and he goes and talks to Chris. He tells Chris that he hasn't had a great week, and he's wondering if maybe none of the women here really are the right one for him. If maybe his future wife isn't in this room! Because he keeps hearing Tierra's name come up, but no one actually offers him any actual proof. This would be a GREAT time for Chris to offer some video footage of Tierra to Sean, but of course he doesn't, and so they go to the Rose Ceremony.
Sean's upset at the Rose Ceremony, and tells the girls that the week has been really turbulent for him. He's leaving this week with more questions this time instead of answers. The girls all roll their eyes and sigh, because seriously - you did this to yourself, Sean. If everyone is telling you that Tierra is bad news, why would you question everyone but Tierra? 

So in a move that surprised no one, Robyn went home. 
In the Limo of Tears, she tells us that Sean was someone she really cared for. She barely knew him! God I love this show...
At the part where the girls raise their champagne glasses to the eliminated girls' sweet, sweet salty tears, Selma looks at the girl next to her, and kind of motions with her eyes to Tierra and then the door and whispers, "Watch out." Like Robyn left because she was fighting with Tierra instead of Robyn just not being a good fit for Sean. It could be both. Who cares. 
AND TONIGHT! The gang goes to the Canadian Rockies, and from what I could gather from the preview, this is what happens: 
Catherine and Sean have a one-on-one date in an ice castle made of dreams and romance. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee pushes Tierra into glacial water and holds her down for a while, then calls for a medic. Tierra is kind of cold, but not really, and fakes hypothermic shock. Sean is once again rendered stupid by Tierra's puppy dog eyes. Tierra gets in a fight with someone and tells them that she's above them and this is over! AshLee plots once again to kill Tierra, this time for good.
See you tomorrow!

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Day 4 of #30DaysofMeditation: Going To Your Quiet Place

Meditations for Villains

This month, I'll be writing a series of blog posts about meditation for #30DaysofMeditation; mainly about my own experiences with mediation and what I've learned from them.

It will be less boring than that sounds, though. 

I'll also be including a little mediation exercise in each post. These will help you both build up from a meditation newbie to a pro, as well as open you up to new meditation methods and practices.
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In my particular line of work, setting boundaries can be tough. It is both the beauty and the pain of being an independent contractor: You have the freedom and flexibility to work whenever you want, however you want. Sometimes, though, that can translate to clients as "I can work whenever and however you want."

I've learned then, through trial and error, that it's essential for me to carve out time for myself. That's, in part, why I'm so dedicated to my meditation practice. Not only is it the best time of my day, but I've learned that I just simply don't work as well without it.

So since I work best in the afternoon and evening, mornings are kind of a sacred time for me. I meditate, I read, I do yoga, and most importantly, I write. I try not to check email or answer any calls, as the hyper mode of emails and clients and work can take my mind out of the meditative state and into "I better get to work, maybe I don't have time to meditate or write this morning, maybe I can do it later..." etc. Except that...when I tell myself that maybe I can do it later?

 I never do it later.

Today was one of those mornings where it felt like different forces were pulling me in all different directions. I woke up feeling excited and happy to have the morning to myself to do some writing and to meditate. Bounded out of bed with the thought of it, even. And then I got a text, and then I got a call, and then I got another text telling me to call ASAP. Excited and happy feeling? GONE.

I wanted to stay committed to myself and not go back on my boundaries - nobody was dying, the world wasn't going to end, and sometimes client relationships, like all relationships, are an exercise is behavior therapy: If I respond to outside demands to give up my very slim and precious window of time that I have just to myself, I would be sending the message to both them and myself that I'm okay with those outside demands and distractions during that time. And I can't be, because that only begins the slow spiral into "My time is always your time!" And then I'll go crazy and start killing people.

So I sat there and felt the resentment and anxiety and anger build up - that kind of avalanche where you start to think about all the other things you have to do that day, how you just wanted this one piece of time to relax and get centered and start the day off on a good note, and now you're stressed and irritated and resentful - and then I realized that even though I was sticking to my sacred time, I was still letting work infringe on it. So I sighed and thought, "I need to go to my quiet place" (ala Hot Rod ), and I put my ear buds in. Whenever it's particularly difficult to quiet my mind and go back to that meditative state, I put on "Von" by Sigur Ros and I simply concentrate on each particular note of the song. Every time an anxious thought or feeling comes in, I simply remind myself that I have all the time in the world to attend to this and that, but right now? I'm listening to this song until it's over, and this is all I have to do right now, right in this moment.

And it works. Sometimes, when it comes to meditation, we all need a little help. That's when guided meditations are so helpful, and it's also when I fall back on music, my favorite way to get my mind back to that state.

So today, I encourage you to try the same method. I've found that, whether they're just starting out in their practice or are an old pro, the old time factor can sometimes creep in a lot of people, especially when we have a lot to do or when our mind is swimming with anxiety. "I have to sit still for fifteen minutes?! I've got shit to do!" And again, it's that old adage - if you don't feel that you have time to meditate, do you have time to feel like crap? So on days like this, it can be really helpful to have a close-minded period of time or activity to focus your meditation on. Picking a great piece of instrumental music gives you specific amount of time that is just yours for meditation, and it gives you something to focus on that is soothing and uplifting and inspiring at the same time. You might be surprised just how quickly you're able to go into the meditative state with this particular trick.

Your turn: What have you found to be helpful when it comes to meditating in the middle of a stressbomb day? If you use music, what are some of your favorite tracks to use? 


Wanna join up with #30DaysofMeditation? Join us on Twitter or Facebook. 

Day 1 of #30DaysofMeditation: Form & Function

Meditations for VillainsThis month, I'll be writing a series of blog posts about meditation for #30DaysofMeditation; mainly about my own experiences with mediation and what I've learned from them.
It will be less boring than that sounds, though. 

I'll also be including a little mediation exercise in each post. These will help you both build up from a meditation newbie to a pro, as well as open you up to new meditation methods and practices.
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First things first: Let's talk about the stuff that holds some of us back and gets us stuck when we first try out this whole mediation shiz. 

And I'm talkin' about form and function. 
First, let's rap about function by clearing up one popular misconception: There is a difference between relaxing/zoning out and meditation. In the past year, I've heard a ton of people say stuff like, "Knitting is my meditation." or "running is my meditation" etc. No. It's not. Knitting is your way to relax. Running is a way to clear your mind. Meditation is something much deeper than either of those things:

An actual meditation practice - such as going through the Workbook of A Course in Miracles or doing Transcendental Mediation, Buddhist meditation, or other spiritual, religious, or even secular forms of meditation - includes a technique through which words or sounds instruct the mind to move into deeper regions. These regions hold the key not only to stress reduction but to much, much more. Greater insight, deeper understanding, expanded perspective, more whole-system knowing, and deeper peace, forgiveness, and love - all of these arise more easily from the meditative mind. The rational mind alone cannot cause these things to occur. 
- Marianne Williamson

Sorry if Williamson just blew your damn mind.

So that's the function: to move the mind into deeper regions. 

Now, for the form...

When I first started getting into meditation, I - probably just like many others - found myself Googling the "right" way to do meditation to make sure I was doing it right. 
What I didn't really know yet was this: There really isn't a totally wrong way or a totally right way to do meditation. The only real right way(s) is what works for you.

The following is a sort of "Beginners Guide" I put together for a friend when they were first starting out with meditation. As #30DaysofMeditation progresses, we'll talk about some different methods and techniques that will call for different things, but for now, the purpose of this list is help you get started with feeling out meditation on your own and figuring out how to do your own thing. It will also hopefully help you get past some of the misconceptions and the weirdo stuff you might have heard before when it comes to meditation.
SittingLet me get real for a second: That whole pose where you sit with one leg resting on top of the other, hands resting on your knees with forefingers and thumbs touching, back straight? Fucking HARD, yo! First of all, unless you're a daily yoga kid, the one leg on top of the other thing is hard to duplicate. Second, if you have a weak core like me, you're going to be focusing more on keeping your back straight and sitting up through the pain than you are on the meditation - aka, more thoughts to distract you, which is exactly what we don't want. Third, if touching your pointer fingers to your thumbs feels dumb to you? Don't do it.
See? Simple.
Meditation can be done lying on your back, sitting up in a chair with your feet planted on the ground, sitting up in butterfly position (bottoms of feet pressed against each other), or even while doing a headstand. It doesn't matter how you arrange your body, just do it in a way that feels comfortable to you, leaves your mind free to concentrate on meditating, and won't cause you to fall asleep right as you're getting to the sweet spot.

The only really important things to incorporate are these three guidelines:
1) Try not to cross or criss-cross your legs2) Don't wear hair bindings, or clothing that feel restrictive3) Keep your palms up and open
The first two are to ensure that you're not blocking energy from your body. The last keeps you open to "receiving" positive energy while you're meditating.
Some of you, though, won't feel like you're really meditating unless you're assuming the Official Pose of Meditation, and that's totally cool, too - I get it. Just keep practicing the pose for as long as it feels comfortable. When it starts to feel awkward or painful, or when thoughts of your body positioning start to intrude on your meditation, simply ease out of that pose into a more comfortable and receptive one.
Breathing
This is the part of meditation that can be so easy that others will sometimes make it harder than it has to be. 
The important thing about breathing during meditation? Is that you do it.
But that you do it in a way that feels good.
The traditional breathing method of meditation is to breathe in your nose and out your mouth. However, I have found that this can actually sometimes be difficult and distracting. In order to do this, you typically have to move your tongue to the roof of your mouth to take a breath in your nose, and then move your tongue down to let the breath out of your mouth. This reflexive movement can then become a conscious action, taking your mind away from the meditative state (the one exception I've found is when you're chanting, which we'll talk about more later).
So it either works for you, or it doesn't. Try breathing in the traditional "meditational" way first...if it doesn't work for you, then just breath in and out of your nose. This is what I do, and I find I start vibing with the meditative state much faster this way than if I'm concentrating on breathing in my nose and out of my mouth.

Once you've found the way that works for you, take some deep, long, cleansing breaths. Something that can really surprise some people once they start meditating is how good it feels to breath deeply, and this is typically because their everyday breathing patterns tend to be short and shallow. Others are so used to shallow breathing that they breathe so deeply that they start to feel faint. Don't do that. Just breath slowly and deep, getting used to the sensation of the breath filling your body all the way to the bottom of your stomach, and then easing gently back out of your body. I even like to think of it as a sort of inner massage...it can literally feel that good.
Chanting
There's a big misconception that meditation must = chanting.

It's true that chanting is the main focus and feature of different meditational practices such as transcendental meditation, and it can lend your practice to a pretty powerful experience. For instance, "OM" is a combination of all the syllables of the world, and "AH" is a combination of all the sounds in the world. Many meditation kids use "OM" for gratitude meditations and "AH" for meditations for manifestation of intentions, or both of them together ("OM" while breathing in, and "AH" while breathing out). I've done it for some of my meditations, and it can be pretty freaking cool. It can help when it comes to better focus and getting into the right headspace.

Some can find chanting a detriment to a regular practice, especially if you live with someone and don't get much free time to be alone and chant without feeling self-conscious. Others find that chanting actually distracts from quieting the mind.

Bottom line? If you want to try it, do. But if it's not your gig, don't sweat it.

Eyes
Most people, including me, find it most helpful to keep your eyes closed during meditation. Which is why I've always found those pictures of people sitting on a beach at sunrise or on top of mountain while meditating so strange...who cares about a freaking sunrise when you're keeping your eyes closed the whole time?

But others find it helpful to focus on something during their practice, be it a candle flame, a blade of grass, or a flower. The key there is to find a single thing to focus on. It's going to be difficult enough, going in, to not get distracted by the stuff in your environment, so make it easy on yourself.

Day 1 of #30DaysofMeditation meditation exercise:

Sit comfortably: sit in a comfortable chair, with your feet planted on the floor, or in butterfly pose, your back and neck straight, and palms open.

Set a timer for 5-10 minutes. Keep it in your mind that this is space and time that you are carving out for yourself - there is nowhere else you need to be, nothing else that you need to be doing in this moment. Close your eyes, and concentrate on breathing deeply, in and out. As thoughts drift in, acknowledge them and then just let them drift back out. Don't dwell on them, but don't judge yourself and stress too much on "clearing your mind." Just focus on your breath, and remaining present in the moment. That's it. That's all you have to think about for the next 5-10 minutes...on your breath, and the immediate presence of your body.

When your timer goes off, open your eyes and return slowly to your surroundings, keeping your breath deep and slow, and continue on with the rest of your day.
Wanna join up with #30DaysofMeditation? Join us on Twitter or Facebook. 

Intro To #30DaysofMeditation: Meditation Mentation.

Meditation for Villains I first started meditating the winter of 2010. I was reading a slew of books by Jack Canfield, who talked about doing it, and so one night I just decided to try it. I sat down on the floor, cued up "Adagio For Strings" by Samuel Barber, closed my eyes, and breathed in.

And my life completely changed from that point on.
It's hard to describe what happens when I meditate, because the sensations and the experience can be different each time, and definitely are different for each person. And talking about it sounds a little "woo-woo", which is just not me, and it's what kept me from meditation for so many years in the first place. But basically, it's the most intense calm I've ever experienced, and it can be trippy-er than acid. And again, your experience will most likely be different, but for me, I know I'm doing it right when my whole body starts tingling and I start smiling and weeping at the same time. 
Yeah. I know. It sounds a little crazy. But the experience of it? Is amazing.
Meditation is both the easiest and the hardest thing I've ever done...it depends on the day (and you'll probably find this to be true, as well). Some days we're feeling good, peaceful - things are vibing, we have plenty of time to do everything we want to do, we feel rested and calm. Meditation is like a Lionel Ritchie song on those days - easy as a Sunday morning.
And then there's the days when we feel fucked (and not the in the good way). So much crap is going on, we can't seem to think straight, we're rushed and hurried and actually kind of pissy. Those are the days when meditation feels impossible.
And it's also the exact days when we need it most.
Here's the thing - meditation is a practice. It's a practice because it's also a skill, and the skill is the ability to quiet your mind and calm your body. 
Relax. 
Connect with a higher energy. 
On demand. 
The people I know who tend to have the most trouble with meditation are the ones who also have the hardest time relaxing. They could be lying on a white sandy beach on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific ocean, being handed a tropical drink by Jennifer Aniston, and would still be all geared up with to-do lists and anxious thoughts and ridiculous worries. They can't appreciate the relaxing quality of their surroundings because they've never learned to appreciate the purpose of relaxation in the first place. They think that, by relaxing, they're being lazy. Wasting time. 
So you can imagine how easily they take to sitting around for 20 minutes with the purpose of not thinking or saying anything. 
And I totally get it! 
Because before I learned first-hand the radness of meditation, I was exactly the same way. When I've got stuff to do, it's really hard to convince myself to sit and breathe in and out for 20 minutes and notdo those things. 
But here's what I always remember, and it's a quote from my girl Gabby Bernstein -
"I don't have time to meditate." Do you have time to feel like crap?
Which I have found to be completely true. When I don't make time to meditate, to center myself, I and my day ends up feeling like total and utter crap. I can tell when I haven't practiced. Other people can, as well. You probably could, too, if you took a scroll through my Twitter feed. All of that negative energy gets scrunched up inside and comes out in snarkinesss (and not the funny kind. The "WTF is her problem?" kind), moodiness, laziness, and yes, depression.
When I make that space for myself - when I take just 20 minutes out of my day, just for me - I feel more productive, more in tune, more kind, more creative, more relaxed, more happy.
Here's the message I want to make sure I get across, both in this post and with #30DaysofMediation - meditation practices are not meant to be perfect. That's why it's called a meditationpractice, not meditation perfection. And what I mean by that is: there's no one right way to do meditation, all the time. Even those of us who have been practicing for years need a little help from time to time and have found benefit in shaking it up. 
So during this #30DaysofMeditation, I'm going to tell you about different methods and resources that have worked for me. I'll also include a little exercise in each post to help you practice and try some new shiz.

It will be way less boring than that sounds, though.

Promise.

How about you? What got you interested or started in meditation? Got any favorite meditation resources that you love sharing with other meditation-minded friends?

Wanna join up with #30DaysofMeditation? Join us on Twitter or Facebook. 

The Bachelor, Episode 4 Recap: A Slow Dance For No One

Welcome to the fourth episode of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You! 
Last night, mountains were climbed, the divide between Muslims and Christians got a little smaller thanks to quality reality programming, a Bachelor producer got fired for coming up with a horrible, horrible idea for a group date, and a redux of Pretty Woman turned out pretty much the exact opposite way of how the real story should turn out.
Ready to get beat down by love? Then make the jump once again into this amazing journey!In a stunning departure from the season, the episode opens not with a shirtless Sean, but with Chris Harrison. Chris comes into the living room to find the girls in pajamas, most of them with no makeup on, because who cares about cameras or national TV, right? Chris notes that there are only 13 girls left, and that Sean still feels that he sees his future wife "in this room."

Ha ha! Hahahahaha! 
So he hands out the date card...BUT WAIT! There's Sean again, walking around not only with his shirt off, but in his underwear. 
It's like...producers, man. They make our dreams come true, sometimes. 
So Sean says a bunch of stuff about finding his future wife and being really excited about the girls, blah blah blah, and we cut to the girls again, where Lesley M. is reading the date card, which ends up being for Selma. Which makes Leslie H. start crying, because she just really wants a date. So she cries. We're not even 5 minutes in and somebody's crying already!
That's how you know it's going to be a good episode.
Climbing Up Blue Ball Mountain
Sean and Selma leave for their date...in gym clothes. Because nothing like getting dressed up for a date, right? Luckily for Selma - and luckily for Sean - Selma's rocking a pretty amazing pair of boobs in that outfit, which kind of makes me feel like a lot of girls are going to suggest more "active" dates from here on out so they can do the same thing (or, maybe that's just me...). Selma is practically sitting on Sean's lap in the limo, she drops how much she weighs (110 pounds, if you must know), and when they - surprise! - pull up to a private plane, she makes a joke about wanting to know if every day is going to be like this, because she's never watched an episode of The Bachelor, ever, and has no idea that this is the stuff that builds unrealistic expectations and then is also to blame when the "relationship" comes crashing down around their feet only weeks afterward. 
But whatever, right? Private planes and red carpets everyday, for everybody!
The plane ride isn't much different. I liked Selma in the past episodes, but I started getting kind of skeezed out by how she was literally almost lying across Sean's lap. And the fact that she joked, again, about whether this is how they're going to travel every time. Because hahahahaha, no one's a gold digger on this show!
So they land in the desert, and Selma starts freaking a little bit, because she cannot handle heat. 
I could insert a joke here about her heritage, but I'm not going to, because I'm not a monster. Even though I find it...interesting. But anyway! Please give me credit for this display of self-control later. 
So they get in a jeep, roll through the desert, and arrive at Joshua Tree National Park. Sean tells us that he really wanted to take this glamorous girl out of her element, and so he suggests to her that they go rock climbing, even though Selma is terrified of heights. But no matter! Sean wants to take her out of her element, and what better way than to do that than put her in an awkward, uncomfortable, and potentially dangerous situation?!
Guys. STOP DOING THIS SHIT. 
Sean mentions that Selma is pint-sized and might have some trouble getting up, but he could just strap her onto his back and climb for the both of them, which is...pretty freaking hot. So Selma's climbing up this rock mountain in the middle of the desert, and she's kind of struggling at first, and then says that Sean gave her this adrenaline and this courage to do it! and she powers up. Sean starts to feel like he's trying to scramble just to keep up with her. The camera gives us a great angle shot of her boobs as she climbs, because they are obviously not struggling to keep up with her. 
They make it to the top, and Selma feels like she really conquered one of her fears. Sean hugs her from behind as they look out onto the desert below, and she start cooing and purring "Baby...look at this" and it's just like...please speak Arabian (Arabic?) again. Please talk in a way that doesn't make me want to punch you just so you shut up. But nope! She keeps doing it, which is gross.
Sean suggests they go to dinner, and tells us that he's sure Selma thinks they're going to go somewhere really glamorous to have dinner, but instead, he's decided to do something different. 
She just rock climbed a fucking mountain for you, Sean! She just did the thing that she didn't want to do. The least you could do is give up a portion of the date to something she wants. I HATE when guys do this. And The Bachelor is the worst at it - stop testing girls, guys. Stop putting them in awkward positions to see how they come through. Because we're going to start doing that to you, and you know what it's going to look like? It's going to look like Leaving You Alone With My Best Friend For Twenty Minutes While I Take A Phone Call. It's going to look like Making You Go Fishing With My Dad For The Afternoon. It's going to look like Hey My Boyfriend And All My Friends, Let's Go On A Trip Somewhere Secluded And Stay In Close Proximity With Each Other, Even When We're Sleeping, All Weekend Long. 
Get it? GOOD.
So he drives them to the middle of nowhere, and it ends up being this weird...RV park? Airstream graveyard? Basically, it's a bunch of campers with different themes set in a circle, like the redneck version of Stonehenge. Selma calls it Country Glam, though, right before she drapes herself all over Sean and purrs something incomprehensible. But wait! All this suffocating physical affection and baby talk contained in a pint-sized body holds a secret! 
You see, Selma grew up in a very conservative, strict, Arabic home. Her family puts a lot of pressure on her and her life, and she was born a Muslim. So when Sean tells her that he wants to kiss her and she tells him that she can't, he gets it right away - "So your parents are very strict?" She tells him that her mom wasn't very happy about her being on the show, and the idea that she would kiss someone on TV? Not okay. 
Draping yourself all over a guy totally must be, though! 
Luckily for her, Sean understands, and told us that he's happy to wait for her, and that he can see her being the one (good, because I was worried that just after one date, that you wouldn't be able to see that). Unluckily for her, it's super freaking annoying to keep talking to someone about how you want to kiss them but won't. Which is pretty much what she preceded to do for the rest of their date.
Roller Derby Of Love
Group date time! For A Good Time Call Daniella reads the card - "let's roll with the punches" - while Temper Tantrum Tierra complains that it's time for Sean to step up and spend some time with her. Sean obviously doesn't feel the same, though, because it looks like Temper Tantrum Tierra is going on a date with 7 other ladies! 
The Three Faces of Amanda is all smiles, though, about going on a group date with Sean, and this is how we learn that when The Three Faces of Amanda smiles, babies cry. 
One-Armed Sarah talks some more about how this is her her time to shine and show Sean she can go with it, that having one arm isn't going to hold her back. Yawn. Can we please just talk about her favorite bands or something now? 
The girls arrive with Sean to find out that their group date consists of roller derby! However, for the record, this is not Lifetime Original AshLee's cup of tea. She doesn't do anything adventurous, outside of pushing girls down the stairs and tying men up to headboards before she sets their houses on fire. But tough, Lifetime Original AshLee, because the whole date is going to center around learning the game and then having a real bout at the end of the day. Tempter Tantrum Teirra is excited because she can knock some bitches down, a comment that surprises no one.
Unlike Lifetime Original Movie AshLee, The Three Faces of Amanda wants to win. According to the other girls, she's even done Roller Derby before.
"Amanda, have you done this before?" Sean asks.
She smiles, some babies cry, and she nods her head. "I haven't actually done it before," she tells the camera. "I just told that to the other team to freak them out." 
The girls are biting it left and right on roller skates, which I sympathize with, because I went to a roller skating party for my friend Matt's birthday a couple years ago and I fell so hard I had a bruise the size of Bridal Betty's ego. Amanda's killing it, though: she's going fast and Teirra's going fast, and I'm watching and I'm thinking...do the craziest people know how to roller skate the best? Someone should do a research study and collect data on that to find out! 
Meanwhile, One-Armed Sarah only has one arm still, so she's having a really hard time keeping her balance on skates. She ends up falling really hard, and she breaks down. "It's really hard in moments like this, when I just want to be normal." And it is pretty sad, and my heart breaks for her, because again, I'm not a total monster. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee comforts her, and tells us that to her, Sarah has no disability. And we might believe her, but then we remember that every psycho chick in every Lifetime Original Movie ever made had some kind of friend or brother or elderly man that she pretended to be sweet to in order to throw people off her evil trail, so we're not buying it this time, AshLee!
Sean sees that Sarah's upset, so he goes over to talk to her and he tells her that if she doesn't feel comfortable, to screw it and just hang out with him. Which I totally would have taken, because I've seen roller derby before, and bitches be brutal out there. Plus, more time with Sean while the other girls are getting their asses handed to them?! What better offer, right?! But no. Sarah doesn't want special treatment. So she puts her gear back on, she gets back out there, and she falls again.
Meanwhile, The Three Faces of Amanda is totally feeling it at practice, and feels like the other team might be a little freaked out by how good she is. Until she totally wipes out on her face, which is so freaking hilarious that you couldn't pay a producer to organize better comedy gold. But uh oh! Amanda might have broken her chin, so they call for the whaaaabulance. 
There sure are a lot of 911 calls this season, aren't there? And it won't be the last one, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee thinks to herself, as she eyes the other girls...
So The Three Faces of Amanda gets carted off to the psych ward emergency room, and Sean decides that this might be too dangerous (ya think?!), so he calls the bout off and suggests that they all do free skate instead. Someone turns on "Foolish Heart" by Steve Perry and the kids all start skating around, holding hands and doing tricks on wheels and making out by the concession stand, and it is awesome.
The group date moves to a place where there's drinks and apparently a hot tub, and Temper Tantrum Tierra tells us that she wants to feel closer to Sean, "but when it comes to being around the girls, I lose my mind." Really?! But you seemed so even-keeled up until now! 
One-Armed Sarah and Sean talk about her arm again.
The girls sit around and talk about the derby, and Tierra is quiet and snotty until she starts throwing a tantrum again. She's been on three group dates so far, and she is TIRED of them. 
Amanda comes in wearing an awful outfit, and Sean pulls her away to talk to her. He tells she looks cute (she doesn't), and Amanda tells us that she's fine, but she loves the sympathy card and she plays dirty, so she's going to milk it for all it's worth. What it's worth: A kiss on the chin. She makes some joke about how she should have told him she had her tonsils out and then sticks out her tongue and mimes the kind of french kissing that I can't ever get out of my head, ever ever ever.
Meanwhile, back at the Lady Ranch, the date card comes and For A Good Time Call Daniella tells us that she's tired of waiting for a date with Sean. Maybe if she dyed her roots, she'd get one, but since she hasn't, Leslie H. is the lucky winner. Along with a date, she also got a pair of diamond earrings to wear on their first date, and she screams that it's just like in Pretty Woman, her favorite movie, and that's when we all know that her date is going to be Pretty Woman themed, because that's exactly the kind of unrealistic fantasy that this show loves to serve up as reality.
Back to the group date: 
Robyn is an adult, and acts like one. 
Temper Tantrum Tierra is also an adult, but does not. 
Something was said or not said, and Tierra says a bunch of crazy shit about other girls and how she's not going to stoop to their level, and is even mean to One-Armed Sarah about it, which is not okay. She throws another tantrum again and jumps up and grabs a producer and asks her if she can leave, that she wants to go. Goes to look for Sean, who is presently kissing Lindsay. Tierra cries on camera that she can't take the fakeness from any of those girls anymore. Lindsay and Sean decide to go in the hot tub. Tierra, meanwhile, is breaking down inside! She's holding it all in and that's not fair! And she can't be tortured like this! She doesn't deserve iiiiiiiiiit! Don't you just kind of want to punch her when you see her face like this? We shouldn't hit five year olds, though. Lindsay and Sean walk out to go into the hot tub, but Tierra accousts Sean first. Lindsay walks back to where the girls are and they're all like, shiiiiiiiit.
Tierra tells Sean that she can't do it, and she has to sit everyday wondering how much time she's going to get with him, and living with those women is torture, it's seriously torture! And it's hard to think about him going on amazing adventures and it's so HARD. Sean tells her that he's been worried about her from the beginning, and knows it's tough, but that he really wants her to stay. Tierra starts to soften, says that it's because she's so sensitive and emotional (she forgot the part about being crazy) and totally manipulates the situation. Sean gets all smooth and says, "You know what I know? You like me and wanna spend more time with me. Wanna know how I know? By the way you look at me." Tierra drops another guilt line about there being 27 other girls, and how she just needs some time without any of this. Sean says that he'll be back, and Teirra sits there, raises her eyebrow, and starts smiling, because she knows that she totally got the rose. Sean grabs the rose, and all the girls and all of America are like, "WHAT THE SHIT." Sean thinks Teirra has a lot of self-doubt, but feels like he really likes her, and if she goes home, he'll always wonder what might have been. He tells Tierra he wants to see where this goes because he's crazy about her, so he gives her the rose. She says yes and cries and hugs him, and women everywhere throw their remotes at the TV, because now we have actual proof that even great guys like Sean can still get totally blinded and manipulated by crazy psycho bitches like Tierra. 
Pretty Woman...That I'd Like To Walk Down Rodeo/Pretty Woman...That I'd Like To Send Home In A Limo
Leslie H. is not only excited for her one-on-one date with Sean, but she also confesses that, the night before, she slept with those diamond earrings under her pillow. But she would rather have Sean and her forever than those diamond earrings, and that's pretty big, because holy moly, she LOOOOVES diamonds. And using the words "holy moly."
Sean picks her up in a sports car, they drive to Beverly Hills, and sure enough, they arrive at a designer boutique (I know the designer but I'm too lazy to spell-check his name so just imagine it's whomever you would want it to be, kay? My gift to you.) as Sean tells her that the theme of their date is Pretty Woman. She tries on dresses, uses a lot of dumb phrases like, "winner winner chicken dinner", is given shoes, earrings, a purse, and finally, a necklace (on borrow) from Neil Lane, The Official Jeweler Of The Bachelor. 
I don't dislike Leslie. But she's so...hyper? She seems really nice, and in that dress, she does look really pretty. But it seems more like her and Sean are just really good buds - like best friends all through college, etc - and sure enough, Sean tells us that if he was ever going to have romantic feelings for Leslie, tonight would be the night...which basically means that tonight is not the night.  
Which the girls back at the Lady Ranch also know and are discussing, in a hilarious scene where Temper Tantrum Tierra decides to take it upon her to explain how the house works to the other ladies - "the ones he feels a connection to, he'll keep around, and the ones that he doesn't, he'll send home." - while stuffing her face with Doritos.
During dinner, Sean holds up the rose and basically waves it in Leslie's face while telling her that he likes her and wants to feel a romantic connection to her, but just doesn't, and after she's opened up about her wanting to get married only once (which, like, big deal. Who doesn't say that they only want to get married only once? You know who else has said that? Everyone I know who have since gone through a divorce) he doesn't want to let her go any further if he doesn't feel that she could end up being his wife, so he just can't give her the rose. "You know, this rose. The rose I'm holding right here. See this rose? This one. This rose. Sorry. Can't give it to you. The rose I'm holding right in front of your face? Not going to be yours."
Source: Mel Got Served You can tell he feels awful about sending her Leslie home, and to her credit, she handles it with grace and dignity. Before she gets in the limo, though, she has to take the Neil Lane necklace off and give it back to him, which is awkward. And then, because she actually knows how to do this sort of thing, KACIE, Leslie tells Sean to watch out for some of the other girls, because some of them are not there for the right reasons, and she knows that he is, and so she just really wants him to find his wife.
Sean walks back into the building made of balconies to find another live music performance happening, but NO ONE IS THERE TO SLOW DANCE TO IT! So he walks up to the balcony while a Sade acoustic cover plays softly in the background and he thinks about how bad he feels, while Leslie says once again that she would give back all the stuff from today - diamond earrings, the dress, the shoes, the purse, the sports car ride, the slow dance in the designer boutique, the romantic meal, the bottle of wine, and the limo ride - to just have more time with Sean. No dice, though, because back at the Lady Ranch, a producer walks in and collects her suitcase to the shock of the girls and the delight of Tierra.
Sean, leaning over the railing on the balcony in a building made of balconies, drops the date rose in the most dramatic rose drop from a balcony ever.
The End.
That One Time When You Decided That Maybe You Didn't Really Like The Taste of Chocolate
Cocktail party time! Temper Tantrum Tierra says some more annoying stuff, Sean walks in and talks to the girls, and then it's time for more amazing "Get some time with you" five-minute-dates before he cuts one of them loose and breaks their heart in the way that you can only break someone's heart after being on maybe one date with them.

Lifetime Original Movie AshLee and Sean go and talk, and AshLee tells him that she feels good about where she is with him right now, but that she wants to stay confident, because she's not willing to step aside and let someone else get through to him. "And if they ever do," she softly whispers, "All the roses will be mine, Sean," "What?" Sean asks. "Oh...I just said that I'm just not going to let those other girls get to me, because I'm...confident." Confident that I'll kill whoever tries, she thinks, as she smiles at Sean again. 
Then it's time for Robyn to ask Sean if he likes chocolate. If he likes the taste of chocolate. If he wants a taste of her chocolate. Wait, what? Are we talking about chocolate here, or something else? Because it's so subtle, and yet creepy. But also kind of funny, and I think Robyn's actually a pretty cool girl, so whatever. But then she kisses him, and...it's kind of like that pity kiss that you had that one time during freshman year in college, when that one guy kissed you and you weren't really feeling it but you didn't want to hurt his feelings so you just suffered through? Yeah. It kind of looked like that for Sean.
Des starts talking to girls about other girls again. What a surprise! Tierra walks by while For A Good Time Call Daniella, Lindsay, and Bridal Betty are talking about her. She goes and sits next to The Three Faces of Amanda and says some more bullshit like, "Don't these girls get sick of talking about me?" and "Robyn attacked me on our group date for no reason" and "It sucks because I'm taking all this blame and heat, and I've never done anything to them." 
So basically she decides to pull aside Robyn and Jackie and give them a non-apology. Because she's not letting any of these girls stop her! She is going to SQUASH this!  And she wishes that everyone would stop reading into what she's doing and why she's doing it, because that's totally how the real world works and it's totally not what people always say when they're doing things that can only be read as total and complete bullshit. Robyn tells her that she accepts her apology and Jackie says she appreciates it, too. Teirra tells us that her apology was definitely fake, definitely forced, but she's too strong of a women and too indepent to let high school stuff get in her way. She came here to win this.
Snore.
The girls talk about Tierra's non-apology while Tierra tells Sean that girls have a hard time accepting her for who she is. Sean tells her that he doesn't think that she causes drama, but that she's her own worst enemy and freaks herself out. Tierra tells him that she doesn't want any of the other girls to come to Sean and change his outlook on her, which should be Sean's first indication that if Tierra were totally on the level and a mature person, that worry wouldn't even cross her mind. Instead, though, Sean tells her that won't happen, which means that he's like every other guy ever who's been on The Bachelor: Because she's cute and hot, he refuses to see her as crazy, but instead chooses to see her as "emotional and passionate."
Meanwhile, Catherine speaks words of wisdom to the other girls and says that unless Tierra's shenanigans are detrimental to her relationship with Sean, nothing needs to be said. YAY! Somebody actually smart in this hizzouse! Catherine gets time with Sean, and it's ADORABLE. Seriously, I think I'm in love with Catherine after last night's episode - she's so naturally pretty and funny and easy-going, and her and Sean have that thing where they seem to be really comfortable around each other yet also really attracted to each other. Which they talk about. Sean tells her that he hopes she's not putting him in the friend zone because they're so comfortable around each other, and she tells him there's no chance of that happening. They talk about kissing, but that she doesn't want to kiss him in front of the other girls, because "it's not appropriate for other people to see" (high-fives, girls with class!), and asks him if they can walk together. They hug and talk more about how much they like each other and then kiss, and it's awesome.
Rose Ceremony time! It gets down to For A Good Time Call Daniella and The Three Faces of Amanda, and this is that moment where I finally understand football, because I'm literally on the edge of my seat, begging Sean to make a touchdown...and then he calls out Daniella's name and I practically jump up and yell and cheer, because CRAZYTOWN IS GOIN' HOOOOOME!
WOOOT! The Three Faces of Amanda says some stuff about being hurt, but I don't really care, so instead I focus on Sean asking the girls to raise their glasses to the continuance of their relationships. Which, there's something just so wrong about the phrase "continuance of our relationships" but that's this show, so whatever.
And! Next week is a double episode week, which means double the espisodes...double the drama.
Alright, so now it's your turn - who do you wish would go home, like, yesterday? Who do you think will make it into the Top Two? What are your thoughts on Tierra maybe dying in the next episode from hypothermia because AshLee pushed her into a freezing lake when no one else was looking? 
And as always, if you liked this recap, please share it with your friends! 
You can also catch more of my incredibly insightful thoughts and opinions about the crucial reality TV issues of our time on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Look What We Made For You Guys!! (Meditations For Villains)

Meditations For VillainsThe other day, while getting stuff ready for the (re)start of #30DaysofMeditation, I had an idea to make Meditations For Villains, which is a riff off of “Affirmations For Skeletor” (I emailed the creator of those to seek permission to use them for our #30DaysofMeditation group and blog posts, and she never got back to me. So I decided to just expand on the idea and make some of my own, then.). I wanted something that was nerdy and fun, to show that meditation could ALSO be nerdy and fun. I recruited my friend Jeremy of Nerd Nite Duluth and Remakers Mark Podcast fame to help me with the project, and we decided to use the villains from films and cartoons that we grew up with as kids and still love as adults. I got super psyched about using my girlhood crush/womanhood object of lust, Jareth from Labyrinth, as the first villain, and BOOM. Now you’re not only learning more about meditation, but you also get to stare into Jareth’s evil hot face while you do so!

And his crotch. We're probably going to have a picture of Jareth and his crotch up soon (psst, Jeremy! Let's get a picture of Jareth and his crotch up there soon!). Because like, whoa.

Sunday Night Special: A Special Salad For A Special Show About Special People

For this week's Sunday Night Special, I decided to go super easy. Because the less time it takes to cook? The more time you have to do other important things, like watch British reality TV shows online!
SourceAnyway...so to make this salad just for yourself, take one large tomato, one large avocado, dice them, toss them with olive oil, and BOOM! 
I would and could say, right here, that you're done. But I wasn't...
Instead, I decided to add bacon, mainly because I was having a crap day, and bacon makes everything better. 
Bacon, much like bacon's best friend Chocolate, lets me talk about my feelings, and it doesn't ask silly questions or give stupid advice. 
So BOOM! Healthy, easy salad made even better with crisp, tasty BACON. 

So make this, and pair it with a crisp white wine - my favorites are Riesling and Sauvignon Blanc (in case, you know, you were maybe planning on gifting me with a couple of bottles of wine someday or were doing reconnaissance for a future date or something), but you could probably do a Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio with this, too, if you like that kind of stuff. 
And then...
I woke up around noon today (whatever, it's officially The Day of Rest, yeah?) after staying up until four in the morning watching the fourth season of Made In Chelsea , a British reality TV show centered around the posh lives of the young, beautiful, and affluent in London. I typically use the word "obsessed" sparingly, but I am now officially obsessed with this show. It is EVERYTHING that The Hills and The Citytried to be - sophisticated, glamorous, voyeurish, and dramatic - and more...because the people on the show? Are actually quite likeable. Like, REALLY likable! Well, except for maybe Spencer, but he's so mesmerizing that it doesn't really matter if you like him or not...and Mark-Francis, but he's so classically snobby and pretentious that it's like watching the best character in a British film. And everybody's beautiful and graceful and fun and it's definitely more steamy than its predecessors ever were. The scenes between Spencer and Louise?! OMG.
I know the first season just premiered this November in the U.S. on The Style Network, and the previews make it look like they're all a bunch of insufferable, spoiled prats, but the fourth season is really lovely. If you can manage to find it online (like, say...on the internet tubes somewhere, you), enjoy your bacon-avocado-tomato salad and white wine while you watch it and your Sunday Night Special will make you feel better about not being a skinny blonde bird with an aristocratic heritage or a right rich bloke with a vintage Porsche and keys to a country estate in Dorset.
Trust.

New Favorite.

This shot of Musky Boys Derek Kuehl, Brad Bohen, Chris Willen, and Lucky Porter was taken by my fellow Musky Tribesman and pal, Erik Thue of Erik Thue Photography.

Kind makes me fall in love with the Northwoods all over again...

{Revised} #30DaysofMeditation

About two weeks ago, I had an idea.

"Hey. What if we did another #30DaysofMeditation on Twitter, starting on the 15th?"

So on a whim, I tweeted that, and asked if anyone else wanted in.

People did, so we did it.

And then we kind of forgot about it, because it was such short notice that some of us didn't hear about it until three days in, and then some of us got sick and struggled to even sit up in bed, much less start discussions and write posts about it...

SO! Due to popular request (and no objections), we're doing a restart!

#30DaysofMeditation will start on Feb. 1st!

"But waaaait!" You say. "February only has 28 days!"

That right, hot shot. That means that by the time you finish #30Days, you'll already be 2 days into March, giving you an awesome head start into continuing a consistent practice throughout that month, too!

See? Meditation can make you smart.

Like other #30Days thangs on Twitter, #30DaysofMeditation is a cool time for everyone, ranging from beginners to pros. It's a time to learn about mediation if you're just beginning, a time to recommit your practice if you've done it before but then dropped it, and a time for pros to challenge themselves and become teachers and mentors to others.

During the next #30Days, I'll be sharing some of the stuff that I've learned in my own practice. Meditation (the practice and study of) is totally my jam, and I'm super psyched to share some of this stuff with you guys. I'm also really, really excited to learn some cool shiz from others, too. One of the coolest things about meditation is that there are so many different ways to meditate, and I'm always trying to incorporate new jazz into my practice, so this gig is super fun for me, and I hope it will be for you, too!

So please feel free to camp out in the comment section or join the discussion on Facebook and Twitter (hashtag #30DaysofMeditation). And please, share this with any and all friends you think might interested in joining up -  everyone's welcome, and the more the merrier!