Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 41

Let's hear it for small towns, everybody!

Here's the thing about Hayward: It's a small town. But it's easy to forget that, sometimes.. with everyone so spread out and so many different places to do and people to see, it can be easy to get into your own little bubble and stop being aware of just how tiny this place actually is.

Until, of course, you move back up here and the guy you dated last fall starts working for your dad...and then you end up sitting down next to his now girlfriend's dad at your favorite bar...and then you run into this ex and his now girlfriend at the grocery store this afternoon on the one day when you thought, "Eh. I don't need to do my hair or makeup before I run to the store for this week's edition of US Weekly! Who am I gonna see at 3 in the afternoon, yeah?"

Luckily for me, I got out of my car around the same time they got out of their car, and we stared at each other for the same amount of time to make sure it was really each other, and then looked away at the same time in an effort to try to pretend that we didn't recognize each other, and then I did this weird "Oh, what's in my purse that I'm trying to find so I don't end up walking in right next to you?!" stop-and-go thing in the parking lot, and then I pretended that I didn't even see them because I was just so busy getting the one thing that I came to the store for, which the store ended up not even having (Come ON, Hayward, with prompt delivery of weekly magazines! We do not live in the North Pole. We should not be three days behind than everyone else), so then I walked out without buying anything, which I don't think they saw but knowing my luck they totally did and thought that I was probably running out because I didn't want to run into them again while perusing the produce section, which actually, when it comes right down to it, is pretty much the truth.

So yeah! That was pretty fun. Let's hear it for small towns, everybody!

{#30DaysofMediation} The Inner Voice

 I used to be afraid of that inner voice. The one that's supposed to come in during prayer or meditation and tell you stuff. I was always afraid of what it was going to say, because I was sure it was going to be something that I didn't want to hear. Suspicious that it would be. Because that's the stories they always use to teach about faith, right? They never tell the story of, "I heard a voice that said, "Amber, go and do every single thing you feel like doing," and then I did, and then it was great." Nope - it's always the stories about being told to give a great speech when you're terrified of public speaking, or to sell all your possessions and move your family to a remote corner of Africa, or to break up with the love of your life so they can achieve full growth (true story), etc.


So for years, I shied away from doing anything remotely close to prayer, and I would get to that point in meditation where I would quiet my mind, but then I would stop really suddenly and be like, "Okay, that's good!" because I knew if I did it any longer, I would start to hear something. And setting intentions...what a minefield that was. Ever since I was around the age of 17, I had started to feel like prayer was kind of a trick. That old "If you pray for patience, you're going to get a lot of situations that will test your patience, HAHAHA!" adage had really sunk in. So I made a point to word each prayer or intention really carefully to make sure I didn't end up getting the nightmare Bizarro answer to my request. For instance, I would always add "positive" as an afterthought to prayers that I might be an inspiration or example or some sort of good influence to others, because the moment I would pray that, I would get this flash in my head about being a cautionary tale. What if I become that girl who dies a totally horrible death and only becomes an inspiration to others because she got Cragislist Kilt?! What if I became an example because I totally screwed up royally and everyone knew my name because they hated me? I'M CHANGING MY ORDER, GOD, GUESS I'D RATHER NOT BE FAMOUS AFTER ALL...

And this is fun because a large part of my life, now, is about meditation and spiritual study. At this point in my study, I'm being directed to hit the meditation chair when feelings get weird. On the surface, this seems like the obvious solution - of course you'd want to meditate when you're upset, sad, or freaked out, because it will calm you down and make you feel better, right? But I'm finding it so does not work like that: When I start to feel upset, sad, or freaked out, I want to write righteous emails and eat Triscuits and watch quality reality programming...basically, I want to do anything and everything I can to cover those feelings up or push them away. I don't want to sink into them...that's just going to make me feel worse! I don't want to listen to any inner guide or connect this feeling to my breath or do a stream of consciousness writing about where these feelings are coming from and where they reside in my body. I just. want. to. ignore them. And make them go away as fast as I can. 

You see why I'm someone who's still processing over things that happened almost a decade ago, right? Pretty sure this is becoming pretty clear to everyone in the United States right now.

But. I made a 30 Day commitment to my study and practice, and for the past couple weeks, hitting the meditation pillow when things start to feel weird is exactly what I was supposed to do.

A couple weeks ago, I was having a really awful morning. I've been shifting through some really personal stuff this past month, and every once in a while, I'll wake up feeling really raw about it (this is another thing about meditation - it digs up a lot of things that you've been keeping down and brings them all up to the surface, which is super fun for the people around you, but we can talk about that more later). Then, something else tipped me off - a Facebook status from a couple weeks ago, a weird text...whatever it was, it sent me into a totally hysterical tailspin. I immediately went into crisis mode, mentally planning all the things that I was going to do to solve this situation: To fix this hurt, to pass this hurt on, to make my point, to make things fair, to protect myself from feeling like this anymore. Lots and lots of solutions involving righteous anger, retribution, running away, and becoming totally silent about it ran through my head until my whole entire body was responding to them - I was shaking, crying hard, and pretty much having a total meltdown.

So, like I was supposed to do, I went to my meditation pillow/chair, sat down, and tried to work with it. I tried to breath into it, to really feel it, and then release it. But I didn't want to feel it - I kept making my breath shallow, thinking about something else, thinking about solutions, telling myself that if I let myself feel it, it would all only hurt worse. I was a blubbering, crying, sobbing mess at this point, and I couldn't remember when I'd felt so awful in such a long time.

And then, in the middle of it, I heard a calm, quiet female voice - one that I somehow recognized - tell me quietly, "Let it go, Amber." I had a millisecond of being all kindergartener with my "I don't want to!" protests, and then a flip suddenly switched inside me - oh my god, that was a female voice and I'm pretty sure that was my inner guide and okay so maybe let's just try this - and it was like a wave...a huge bawling of emotions for about 5 seconds, and then relief started to come in. Began to fill my entire body. Release. I felt like I was able to breath again, and I started to calm down, and it just felt...better. I got quiet, kept breathing, and with each breath, my mind and my emotions started to reorganize. This truly wasn't what I was making it out to be, I slowly started to realize. I was ascribing the past to the present, taking my fears from former endings and ascribing all of those to this current situation, automatically assuming that everything was going to turn out the same way.

And this is the thing about meditation: It's not all rainbows and crystals, you know? It can be tough stuff. It's a clearing out - it's a confrontation of the things that you can only face when you get quiet with yourself. I know I was definitely not alone in my fear of that inner voice, the fear that getting quiet will only force me to listen to something I don't want to hear. We work really hard to cover that voice up because we're afraid that what we'll hear is exactly what we're afraid of: Fear. Attack. Worry. Bad News.

And at first, maybe it is. When you're so used to listening for a certain voice, it can be a challenge to start tuning it out all of a sudden. But I've found that the longer you get quiet and listen for the quiet voice inside you - the one that feels good, instead of the one that sounds like a total jerk - the stronger the good stuff gets: Peace. Instinct. Self-Love. Joy.

But it's like climbing a mountain, sometimes. If I've learned anything about meditation, it's that it doesn't just change your life in a day, and all of a sudden you're a more peaceful, centered, joyful person. In fact, sometimes it's the one thing you can count on to show you the absolute worst in you...but it does this so that you can recognize that stuff and then let it go, leaving more room for the good to come in. It's like the breath part of the practice - you exhale the crap, and you inhale the rad. Listening and welcoming in that inner voice is still hard, because sometimes, I know that it's probably going to confirm something that I already know but don't want to act on. But that's how we get better, yeah? And stronger...by facing those obstacles head on with the truth of our instincts propelling us further towards where we want to be.

But if my inner voice sounded like Loni Love?

I would be totally in for listening to it ALL THE TIME.

All I Want For Valentines Day Are More Nerdbomb Valentines

Yes!

And YEEESSS!

Stumbled across other awesome nerdbomb Valentines? Send 'em over and I'll post them up here, as well as tell everyone how incredibly attractive you are.

Nerdbomb birthday continues!!

My very hilarious friend, Jenn Schaal, gave me a free goodbadphotoshop.com for my birthday! I told her I wanted to be surrounded by mystical animals, and this is what she made for me.

So, SO awesome!

For your own hilarious fantasy portrait, go to goodbadphotoshop.com ("it's a website!")!

Bachelor Recap, Episode 7: Welcome to St. Cry!

Welcome to Episode 7 of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!

This week we find Sean and the girls on the tropical island of St. Cry Croix, where dates both boring and more boring happen among the bikinis and crying.

Ready? More after the jump!


This week's journey begins with Sean flying into St. Croix with the six remaining women. Everyone's excited to be there - Lifetime Original Movie AshLee is excited to be in her swimsuit, and for Sean to be in his swimsuit, which is code for "I wanna do him in the water."
The girls arrive at their lodging, and it's gorgeous. Temper Tantrum Tierra is excited to sleep on a cot, because she doesn't like girls who like her boyfriend, and she's not going to share rooms with them. But please remember that she's sensitive and has a big heart and is a really nice girl. AND, she also considers herself top priority when it comes to getting a one-on-one with Sean this week, because of course she does.
Date card! It's for AshLee. Tierra's bitch face is the BEST. AshLee leaves to go get ready, and as she walks out of the room, Tierra sings, "The cougar's back in town" to the tune of "The Boys Are Back In Town." All the girls are like, what? So Tierra, being a total moron, sings it again, and then explains to us that AshLee is 32, and when Tierra is 32 she wants to be married and have kids and be set. BECAUSE IT'S THAT EASY, EVERYBODY. YOU JUST PICK AN AGE YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS AND BE SET BY, AND IT HAPPENS. 
Let's Get Carried Away...Physically. And Emotionally. Also, Mentally. And Maybe...Sexually. 

The theme of Sean and AshLee's date is "Let's get carried away". AshLee is excited about this, because it's so easy to get carried away with Sean...not just physically, but also emotionally. Sean and AshLee meet up at the beach on their date, and Sean tells AshLee that they're going to take a catamaran to their own private island. What a great idea! Let's take the girl who was abandoned as a child to a deserted island! 
So Sean and AshLee both talk to us about AshLee's vulnerability and abandonment issues, but no one's really paying attention because WHOA. TALK ABOUT A SLAMMIN' BODY ON THAT GIRL ASHLEE. Seriously, even though I think AshLee is primed to be a central character in a Lifetime Original Movie, her bikini body is so hot even I wanna do her. AshLee tells us that "it feels good to finally open up to someone, but it's also terrifying". And that's the exact moment when we all know that she's going to get her heart totally broken by him.
Plus, they seem a little awkward together on this date...like too much time has passed since they've been alone together.
Meanwhile, back at the free luxury tropical lodging that the girls are staying in, the other girls sit around in their perfect bikini bodies and all talk about whether or not AshLee is going to talk to Sean about Tierra, because even though Tierra is sensitive and has such a big heart, they just want to sabotage what she has with Sean because other girls can totally do that. Lesley wants to "roll away her rollaway bed into the freaking ocean", because she's awesome.
AshLee and Sean are on the beach, and Sean asks AshLee, "Yo, what's the 411?", and AshLee's like, "Do you really want the 411?" and Sean's like, "Yeah, give me the 411", so AshLee's like, "Okay, I'ma give you the 411!" AshLee tells Sean that Tierra is a totally different girl around Sean than she is in the house, that she's rude and wears pouty pants. Sean's like, "Thank you for telling me that Tierra wears pouty pants" and AshLee's like, "Boy you know it's true" and he's like, "Yeah girl, I know it's true" and then slow jam music came on and they started kissing in the sand while waves washed over them and then Color Me Badd came out out the beach cabanas and started singing about adoring me amour.
Back at the free tropical luxury lodging, Tierra tells us that Sean told her that he had something special for her. The date card arrives, and it's finally a one-on-one for Tierra. "Let's explore our love on the streets on St. Croix." So then this chick straight up starts complaining about having to walk around all day with the bugs and heat and getting all sweaty. She complains to the girls about how she thought her date with Sean would be something else, because she loves boating and being on the water and they're somewhere tropical, etc. "She finally gets a date and all she does is complain about it," Lesley sighs. "I hate that bitch." 
I LOVE LESLEY.
Sean and AshLee have their dinner date on the beach. Sean asks her if there's something that he doesn't know about her yet. She says yes, actually, and tells us that this might be a make or break for them, and that she's scared about this being a break. She tells him that it has something to do with Hometown Dates, and I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, wondering if this is the part where she finally tells him that she doesn't really have an adopted family, or at least not anymore, because THEY'RE ALL DEAD FROM A MYSTERIOUS ACCIDENT THAT HAPPENED YEARS AGO.
So she tells him that there's one more thing he should know, and he looks terrified. She really want to breeze through this, she says and be done with it, but then she drags it out FOR FOREVER. Finally, it comes out that 15 years ago, she was in high school and she was having a hard time with her mom and dad, so she decided to go off and marry her high school boyfriend when she was 17. They had been going out since she was a freshman, and got divorced when she was senior. And everyone in the world is like, "That's it? Sean is like, "Whoa, you were a married high school junior? That's young." Ashlee tells him that she doesn't want to be this broken girl that comes to him and that she didn't want to ruin their date, and now she feels like she did. Sean tells her that he had no idea what she was going to say, and that he thought she was going to tell him something terrible. He thinks she's perfect just the way she is, and she's certainly not broken. OMG HE IS THE MOST PERFECT GUY EVER. Even with girls who use their entire dates as a form of therapy, he's still awesome and cool and super sweet and understanding.
Then they start yelling on the beach. I'm not sure why because I'm so bored at this point in the date, but I do catch the part where he looks at her and asks her, "What else you got?" She responds by yelling, "I LOVE SEAN!" and it's kind of spontaneous and cute, but then she ruins it by following it up with telling us that she loves this man, and she will never stop telling him. She will never stop telling him...
Tierra's Thin Line Between Excited and Evil

Before their one-on-one date, Sean tells us that he wants to find out during their date whether Tierra is the girl he thinks she is, or if she's really not a nice girl like everyone else says.
They go shopping for body lotion, you guys. They're in St. Croix, exploring the town, and Tierra makes him smell soaps and body lotions with her. Then she tells us that Sean bought her the most incredible things that anyone could buy a girl on the first date: an eternity bracelet, which according to Tierra - who's smart, remember?! - means love is forever. They buy matching necklaces, too! Whoa, watch out everyone! Romance, thy name is jewelry bought from street vendors on tropical islands!
A dancing parade starts coming down the street. Tierra gets this look on her face that looks EXACTLY the way a spoiled three year old gets when she sees a new Barbie - all scrunched up and spastic and kind of demonic-scary, because with Tierra, it's almost impossible to tell between excited and evil, mostly because to her it's the exact same thing. "BEST DAY EVER!" she screams, as she grabs Sean and begins to strangle him. She is blown away and breathless, she tells us, because she loves to dance and have fun and breath air and drink water and be with Sean. Sean says her energy is off the charts: she's having so much fun, he says, and mistakes what's really demonic possession for enthusiasm. 
Back at the house. AshLee tells them that she had a talk with Sean about Tierra about the fact that she thinks that Tierra just isn't happy and is kind of a miserable person, especially here. Lesley says that Sean really needs this time to see Tierra for who she is, to evaluate her for who she is...or at least, she hopes that's what will happen. And everyone else in America does too, even though all evidence and history points to the contrary.
Sean and Tierra get cones and sit down on some steps. Sean brings up the house. Tierra tells him it's difficult, that the other girls don't accept her and that they've been pissed off at her since she's gotten that first rose. She makes it sound like they've been mean to her and left her out. He asks her: if she could do it again, would she act differently to the other girls. She says no, and that it doesn't matter because these girls won't be around much longer. WRONG ANSWER, and it's obvious that Sean thinks so, too. He gave her a chance to at least take some responsibility for her actions, and she totally blew it.
Moonlight over the ocean! Must be a dinner date... Sean and Tierra are in some sugar mill somewhere, and Sean asks Tierra if she had a good day. Tierra tells him that she's going to be honest about the fact that she feels there's a little distance between them. And once again, she turns an innocent question into a total guilt trip. Sean tells us that he didn't see her response coming because he didn't feel the distance, but looking back, he guesses that he was probably distant after spending a day with AshLee and her influencing his feelings toward Tierra. He tells Tierra that he doesn't feel like the distance between them was because of their lack of one-on-ones...instead, he points out, he thinks it's all the drama in the house that's put them a little behind. OH SNAP! 

Somehow, from this, Tierra surmises that one of the girls threw her under the bus. And she can't BELIEVE that ANYONE had the NERVE to throw her under the bus, but she can do the same thing right back! Because that's the most mature response to it, obviously. So Tierra tells Sean that she's falling in love with him. Sean tells us that he has come to the conclusion that she's probably not that nice to other women, but that she's being genuine when she tells him her feelings for him. Which is what every guy ever says when he's in love with a crazy bitch - that she might be a bitch to everyone else, but she's real when it comes to him, at least until she burns his house down and ruins his credit and kidnaps his kids in a jealous rage. 
Sunrise, Sunset
Sean shows up super early to surprise the girls and to take pictures of them without their makeup. He tells us that he knows girls hate being seen without their makeup on, but that he really wants to see what the girls look like without it, and he just hopes that nobody hits them. So he sneaks in, takes pictures, and Lindsay yells that she's naked, which is hilarious. Catherine, of course, still looks totally beautiful.
Sean, Des, Lindsay, and Catherine hop in a jeep for their group date and go to see the sunrise over the ocean. They are as far east as you can possible go in the US, so they're the first people in the US to see the sunrise. It's pretty awesome, especially because someone also brought mimosas. Then Sean tells the girls that they're also going to see the sunset: they're going on a road trip that will take them on the other side of the island and explore the sights along the way. 
It's boring. They go to some bar, and then they go back to the sugar mill that Sean took Tierra to the night before, like all, "Hey, this is it. This is the sugar mill I took Tierra to on our date last night. Hope you girls like it, too." They pet some animals, drive some more, go to a tree house, make their way through a rain forest...and I'm like, how can you do all this different stuff and have it look so boring?! 
All the girls know that hometown dates are coming up, so time is of the essence. Lindsay notes that Des is making the most of her time with Sean, that she's jumping into shot gun a lot more than the other girls, and trying to pull Sean away from the group, and that it's annoying. And that's totally the thing with Des - the moment I start to think that she might not be that bad, she starts doing shit like that that would TOTALLY drive me up the wall, too, if I had to be in the same space with her. Des, for her part, tells us that she'll do anything to spend time with Sean and that she deserves the rose. New pet peeve: I HATE when any of the girls say that they "deserve" the rose. That's like me saying I deserve a thousand dollars. It's the luck of the draw, kids - you're already getting free luxury lodging, travel around the world, fun cocktail parties, dream dates, and now you "deserve" a rose? SHUT YOUR FACE.
The group date lands at the beach. Lindsay and Sean have their one-on-one time, and it's cute and pretty obvious that Sean is going to meet her family next week during Hometown Dates. Catherine and Sean have their time together, and they're so, sooo perfect together - their conversation is so natural, their body language is so perfect...it's kind of like Brad and Emily, where you start to get more enamored with the girl than you are with the actual Bachelor. Catherine and Sean discuss Hometown Dates, and Catherine tells Sean that her dad won't be there, because he's in China. When she was younger, her dad had a suicide attempt in front of her and her sisters, and I think he got deported? I couldn't quite catch the other details about that, but it sounded pretty awful. And while Catherine's telling Sean, you can tell her voice is breaking a little bit, but she holds it together, and again, she comes through as the girl who's gone through some major trauma but just comes out winning. And she's not trying to tell Sean about it because she wants him to save her or heal her or feel sorry for her - she tells him that she just needed him to know that so he didn't come to her house and was like, "Okay, where's your dad."
I LOVE that girl. 
Meanwhile, back at the free tropical luxury lodging, AshLee and Lesley talk about Tierra. BUT WAIT! TIERRA CAN HEAR EVERYTHING THEY'RE SAYING! AshLee and Lesley agree that the group has grown closer because of Tierra being a psycho, and AshLee tells Lesley that she doesn't think that Tierra will confront her about "stuff" (aka, talking to Sean about Tierra). But what AshLee doesn't know is that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!, according to Tierra.
Back to the group date: The gang is all sitting on the beach, and Sean pulls out the rose. Everyone thinks he's going to give it to Catherine, Des thinks he's going to give it to her, but instead, he gives it to Lindsay. Which is a surprise, really, even to Lindsay: "The crazy girl who walked in with a wedding dress now has a hometown rose!" Des tells us that she is "shocked, to be honest", because of course she is. Sean tells the girls that they gotta catch the sunset, and Des jumps up, kicks sand in all their faces, and screams, "THERE IS NO SUNSET, SEAN! WE WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER SUNSET EVER AGAIN!" and then storms off to find a tent to live in by herself for the rest of her life.
Sean and Lesley's Secret Garden
Sean tells us that his date with Lesley isn't going to do the big production: he's just going to take her somewhere beautiful and serene and just talk. Sean really likes Lesley, but he feels he needs to spend time with her because their relationship is not where it should be in compared to his feelings with other girls. Lesley shows up, and she looks BEAUTIFUL. Lelsey tells us that she's watched this show for years and she sees all these girls say "I love you" and she always thought they were such fools...but now she's here, and now she doesn't think they're such fools, because now she knows exactly how they feel because it's happening to her, too. 
Sean asks her who he'll be meeting in Arkansas. She tells him that they'll probably be going to their lake house and he'll meet the four members of her family. She can see him fitting in so seamlessly it's weird. He asks her if there's anything he should know before they take that step. She talks about how scary it is when she thinks about her feelings for him. She tells him that she can see him as her best friend, but that they also have such great chemistry. She tells us that she wants to tell him that she has feelings for him, but she wants it to feel right and wants it to be natural, and that it just doesn't feel that way right now. So instead they go and pick more fruit, and it's pretty boring, actually. Sean notes that when they talk, Lesley won't make make eye contact with him, and that there isn't a lot of physical affection, which is weird, since she seems so confident in every other area of her life but seems so nervous about him. So naturally, to make her feel more comfortable, he corners her on a fence. She makes eye contact with him and talks about the natural progression of their relationship. Sean notes that the romance is there once she gets comfortable, but that it just takes a little while to get there. And that's when we're all pretty sure that she's going to go home.
Also, that was it. That was their date. No romantic dinner? Just walking around some abandoned rum factory and picking fruit? YA BLEW IT AGAIN, date planners!
#ShitGirlsWhoAreNotHereToMakeFriendsSay

Sean feels like he needs some hard core advice on the six women still left. He's got to cut two girls loose that night, and he has no idea what to do, so he invites his sister to come and give him some advice. Sean's sister is cool. She tells him that their family is just concerned that they'll watch the show and watch him pick the girl that they're like, "noooo". "And a couple of Bachelors have ended up picking that girl," she points out to him, and then coughs "Ben" and "Jake" really loudly.
SHE'S TALKING ABOUT TIERRA, SEAN! THE GIRL THAT YOUR FAMILY WILL WATCH ON THE SHOW AND BE LIKE "NOOOO, DON'T PICK HER"? THAT'S TIERRA. SHE'S TALKING ABOUT TIERRA. IT'S TIERRA THAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.
Speaking of the devil, Tierra decides to confront AshLee about AshLee talking to Sean about her. Tierra tells AshLee that she thinks a couple of girls in the house have sabotaged her. Ashlee asks who. Tierra can't even name anyone."If you wanna git nitty gritty, we'll git nitty gritty," AshLee tells Tierra. She tells Tierra that she liked her in the beginning and was soft with her at first, but that's changed. Tierra yells that other girls are jealous of her because men love her. Then Tierra throws down the 32 years old thing again, telling AshLee that, by the time that Tierra is 32, she wants to already be married and have kids and be settled and not be on a show like this, and AshLee nods her head and smiles, and it's kind of AshLee's golden moment, because she's just sitting back and letting Tierra dig her own grave like a total moron. 
Sean and his sister keep talking about Tierra, and Sean tells his sister a couple of the things that have happened concerning Tierra and drama in the house. "What is the one thing your sister told you before you left?" his sister asks. "Don't end up with the girl no one likes," Sean replies. 
In a case of perfect timing, we go back to the house to see Tierra tell AshLee that Tierra is a 24 year old woman, she doesn't have time to sit around and talk about high school stuff, that she's above everyone, and that she is done with this. And with that, she stands up and storms off like a 12 year old, which is just so, so great. GOD, that girl is such a spoiled brat...
But wait! It's not over! AshLee goes into a bedroom and talks to Lesley and Catherine about the conversation, so of course Tierra storms in and starts mouthing off about it. AshLee tells Tierra that she thinks that she's rude, and Tierra tells her that she knows in her skin that she is NOT rude. AshLee brings up the fact that she'll greet Tierra in the morning or ask her questions and Tierra will just ignore her or stare at her and raise her eyebrow at her. "I can't control my eyebrow! I can't control what my eyebrow does, Ashlee. That's my face! I can't help what my face does. I have had no botox. I can't control what my face does 24/7 or else my face would get freaking tired!" 
Yeah. Just let that sink in for a minute. Let it just wash over you...
AshLee points out that Tierra told them that her parents were worried about her coming because she couldn't get along with other girls. Tierra yells, "NO, that's not what they said! They said, "Tierra, you have a sparkle, you have a SPARKLE, don't let those girls take your sparkle." 
And suddenly it all becomes clear, doesn't it? Because now we know exactly what kind of girl Tierra is because now we know exactly what kind of parents she has. Oy.
Meanwhile, back on Sanity Beach and in a moment of perfect/horrible timing depending on who you ask, Sean tells his sister that he's going to go get Tierra and the three of them can sit down and then his sister can see what she thinks of Tierra for herself.
Tierra still won't let AshLee talk, because she's a nice girl and nice friend. "You can't just be a woman and drop it" even though I keep yelling at you and making up awful defenses for all your accusations. Finally she storms off again, Sean walks in, and he finds her sitting on her Nice Girl Cot, fake-crying. Seriously, the girl is fake-crying AGAIN! "Why is this happening?" she asks Sean. "This is just hard for me Sean, and you know that," she wails. "I'm so sensitive and I have such a big heart but I'm so sensitive in this process and I don't know how to take it." Tierra uses the whole "I'm so sensitive and I have such a big heart" thing a lot. "I have such a big heart" thing is the same as calling yourself a trendsetter - you don't get to say that about yourself, and when people do, it usually means it's not true. But anyway - so she says a bunch of other shiz about the girls sabotaging her and throwing her under the bus and it's not her fault because nothing ever is and she's just sensitive and they just don't get that, blah blah blah. And you can almost see Sean mentally backing away from her...slowly, the way you would with a killer bear or a wolf or a person with rabies.
So Sean tells her that he'll be back, and he goes outside and thinks about how he cares about Tierra and doesn't want her to cry, but on the other hand his sister warned him about going for the girl who cannot get along with other girls. He goes back in, tells her that he was going to introduce her to his sister, but that since this whole thing is so hard on her and since he cares about her, he thinks it might be best if she goes home now to get ready for Bachelor Pad. She starts bawling. Everyone in America cheers. SEE YA LATER, SPARKLES!
So he walks her out, and while he notes that it was a hard decision, he tells us that it finally clicked that she's not the one for him, and he's gotta send her home. Right before he helps her into the van, he tells her, "I think the world of you, I really do." "Obviously not enough," she snaps, in a show of great class and maturity. She starts bawling as the van pulls away, and starts screaming stuff like "I can't believe they did this to me!" We see the whole production crew jumping up and down in the background, cheering. "I hope those girls got what they wanted." YEP! They sure did! "I tell myself going into here," Tierra says, as the van speeds away, "I'm not letting anyone take away my sparkle."
Aw, that's cute. Just wait until the "Women Tell All". Then you'll REALLY have to worry about that sparkle, pouty pants. 
The Cocktail Party That Wasn't
The girls show up for the cocktail party, noting that Tierra's been gone for hours. Sean walks in and announces that Tierra went home tonight. He tells them that he had a moment of clarity and realized that she was not going to be his wife. "Tierra was obviosuly a source of drama," he tells them, "and to be honest, I'm not looking for that in my partner."  Looks right at AshLee. He tells them that he also felt clarity about his final decision tonight, and as difficult as it is, that there will not be a cocktail party that night. 
Catherine says that she did not expect that at all. AshLee is freaking out, worrying that Sean's comment about the drama means that he's going to send AshLee home. She says some more stuff about having a troubled childhood and being abandoned, blah blah blah, and we all kind of start wishing that he will send her home so we can stop having to be a part of her therapy sessions.
Chris greets the ladies at the rose ceremony and tells them that this is a big night: Hometown Dates are next, and while four of them will be taking Sean home to meet their families, one of them will be saying goodbye tonight. AshLee is freaking out, because she's never wants to bring confusion to this man or hurt to him...and she doesn't want to go home without him! The music is so dramatic - Lifetime Original Movie music FOR SURE, which is perfect, because they can later use this same exact music for AshLee's movie.
The ceremony begins. Sean gives a rose to Des, then Catherine. Lindsay already has one from her group date with him, so it's down to Lesley and AshLee. He picks AshLee, which means that Lesley is going home.

AshLee tells us that this rose that Sean just gave her that she can trust, and that she can't even describe the overwhelming love she has for him. :"This is my husband," she whispers. "And love does conquer all."
Seriously. Right?! I'm not even a little bit wrong about this, am I? I could write the whole movie RIGHT NOW! Just using lines she's already said this season! It's like she's just dropping them into my lap, like Lifetime Original Movie diamonds for my screenwriting crown. 
Lesley and Sean walk out and say goodbye. Lesley says some stuff about rejection and hurt, and I feel really bad for her, but at the same time - it's Lesley. She freaking kicks ASS. She's super pretty, her fashion sense is rad, and she's hilarious. If she's not the next Bachelorette, she's going to be scooped up in no time. 
Catherine, however, is really upset. She was really close to Lesley, and also feels like they were the most similar in the house...therefore, she says, if Sean doesn't want Lesley, then she doesn't know what she's doing here. "My beliefs are shattered about what he wants."  And while I think this is weird - if he doesn't want your friend, then he doesn't want you?! - everyone watching with a brain knows that she has nothing to worry about. 
Next week it's Hometown Dates, where we get to go to each girl's hometown and judge their houses and families based on deceptive foreshadowing and creative editing! Can't wait! 
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Another Amazing Birthday Present! An Awesomely Bad Video Treat

My former Okoboji Lutheran Bible Camp comrade, Jason Patocka, sent this to me for my birthday via Twitter.

I RT'ed it, and kids went CRAZY. It's that good/bad.



Sadly, according to the comments on YouTube, the girl in the video is no longer modeling. Sorry to kill all your music video dreams. 

Happy birthday to me!

From my Meditations for Villains partner-in-crime, Jeremy!

I'm Okay, You're Okay - Nerd Nite Podcast, Episode 3

This is the presentation I gave to Nerd Nite Duluth back in December! It was seriously one of the most fun experiences of my entire life. Thanks again to Nerd Nite Duluth for having me, and thanks to Math Is Hard for putting my presentation up as one of their podcast episodes!

Please enjoy, and if you like it, please show some love and support for Nerd Nite and Math Is Hard by sharing it with your friends!



And yes, I am currently available to present talks and/or workshops on topics relating to pop culture and nerdom at any and all professional events, private parties, as well as weddings and anniversaries (and family reunions, provided that they feature luncheons of fried chicken and potato salad.).

The Bachelor Recap, Episode 6: How 'Bout Some Dates With Death, Eh?

Welcome to Episode 6 of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You! This is also the second part of a marathon two-episode week of The Bachelor. You may have wondered, "Why would they do that? Why would they gives us Bachelor goodness twice this week?" and then you tuned in at the regular time and realized, "OH! ABC is going to force me to watch a cooking show at the regular time so they can scoop up some Bachelor ratings before the real main event starts at 8! Fuck you, ABC!"
Because seriously. Cooking competitions. Who cares, right?
Anyway! The kids are in Canada, and people almost die. 
More stories of how the producers are on a quest to kill all the girls in the most stunningly painful ways possible after the jump! 


So it appears from the opening of our episode that we have, indeed, traded Shirtless Sean for Wilderness Sean. It must get lonely for Sean to be wandering the wilderness all the time, just alone with his thoughts as he climbs rocks, skips over driftwood, and stares out onto the horizon. He seems to like the solitude, though. Too bad he's on this amazing journey with 50 dramatic women who never want to leave him alone. 
So the girls arrive in Canada, and those bitches get to stay at the Fairmont Chateau on Lake Louise! I got to stay there once when I was in middle school, but like all bratty middle schoolers, I didn't fully appreciate it, mostly because there didn't seem to be any cute 12-year-old boys there that I could fall in love with, and thus at one point I remarked that it was "Pretty much the most boring hotel in the history of the universe." 
But now, as an adult...well. Let's just say that somebody might be going on the show soon just so she can start getting fabulous free trips all around the world for nothing more than saying, "I think I'm falling for him" a few times on camera. 
ANYWAY.
A Frostbite Fairytale
The first one-on-one date is for Catherine, and we find her standing in the middle of exactly nowhere - there's mountain peaks around her, it's snowing, it's so windy that she can't see anything, and she's not even wearing a jacket. And we think, "They going to leave her here. Sean's never going to come, and she's going to die by freezing to death, and this is where it all ends for her." Because, come on - WHO IS COMING UP WITH THESE DATES?! Because whoever it is, they need to get fired.
Luckily for Catherine, Sean soon pulls up in an Ice Explorer Snow Bus. He's driving it, even. He gets out, and he is giddy. He tells her that they're going to go sledding on a glacier...even though it looks fucking miserable out on that glacier right now. But romantic, right? Nothing like dying of cold while trying to impress someone on a date. Great job, Bachelor! Even Sean is like, "It's so cold that it's miserable, but I guess we're still going to do this thing." So they ride the snow bus over a glacier (really great for that glacier, too, I bet. Nothing like saving the environment for romance, eh?). They go sledding, then they do flips and headstands and walk on their hands and do cartwheels and make snow angels, and with anyone else (*cough* Courtney and Ben) it would be stupid and look forced, but with Catherine it looks totally adorable and super fun. But still, it's so cold that Sean's hair and eyebrows literally are white with frost by the end of it.

Later that night and back at the Chateau, they get dressed up and Sean leads Catherine out to a carriage ride, which also leads to an ice castle built just for them (now we're talking, producers). 
The inside is set up like a winter wonderland, with a fire pit all lit up and and roses in blocks of ice, and it's like, WHOA. It seriously does look like a fairy tale. 
So they sit and talk, and then Catherine starts telling him about a very traumatic experience that happened to her when she was 12. And I really like Catherine, but sometimes I feel like The Bachelor should be renamed "The Bachelor: Painful, Uncomfortable, & Tragic Confessions Complete With White Wine and Magnificent Fireplaces." Because I get from a psychology standpoint that sharing your most painful experiences creates bonding, but come on. Enough with the sob stories. 
But since I do not own the show yet, Catherine continues to tell us that when she was 12 and at summer camp (and no, this isn't going to go how you think it's going to go), she was walking on a narrow path with a girl in front of her when they heard a snap. AND THEN A FUCKING TREE FELL AND CRUSHED THE GIRL IN FRONT OF HER, KILLING HER INSTANTLY!!!
Seriously. Like, what the shit, nature!!!! If it were ANYBODY else, I would be calling Sean right and telling him to GET AWAY FROM HER, because obviously she's the original Final Destination girl and this is only going to end badly for everyone around her.
So from that, Catherine tells Sean, she learned how fast things can be taken from you. While she's telling him this, she seems on the verge of tears, but since she's a champ, she holds it together. 
And seriously? Catherine and Sean are SOOOO cute together. Like, adorbs city. I don't think I've quite seen a couple on the show yet who seem so totally giddy and gleeful when they're with each other, and in that way that doesn't make you want to puke, but instead feel like...hey. This is how this stuff actually works. And the big telling point is that Sean smiles wider at her than he does with any of the other girls - in a way that is supremely noticeable. Catherine is soooo still my #1 pick.
The Group Date...of DEATH!
Time for a little group date action! Temper Tantrum Tierra (burned for another one-on-one date! HAHAHAHAHAHA!), One-Armed Sarah, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley, and For A Good Time Call Daniella are all picked to "bare their souls" with Sean. 
The first part of the date involves more canoing, since that went so well the last time. One-Armed Sarah talks againabout how this is a bit of a challenge for her, and suddenly I start wondering if the producers just simply hate her - because seriously, at this point it seems like all they do is sit around and go, "Okay, guys, so we're going to send Sarah on another group date...what else could we do that would be almost impossible for a one-armed person to do?" 
There's space in Sean's canoe for another person, and Lesley volunteers to get in with him. She's cute about it, but of course the other girls don't like it, and Selma makes some weird joke about wanting sharks to come and eat their canoe, and then does this really weird psycho laugh thing. But, it's probably hard to laugh like a normal person with those boobs, you know? Probably the weight of them cuts off air to the lungs or something.
They land on the other side of the lake to find two tents set up. They get out, and Sean announces to them that they're going to do a Polar Bear Plunge. In GLACIAL water. Honestly, it's seriously ridiculous, and this is where I, once again, continue to suspect that this season's goal is to kill some girls, because first roller derby, then Catherine and Sean's date of frostbite, and now this? Even in full winter gear, the girls are shivering their asses off. Selma, for her part, immediately decides that she's not going to do it. And you can call her a princess, but she doesn't care! Her people are from Baghdad, she tells us. They're warm weather people. Warm weather. Which, funnily enough, reminds me of the time when she went to the desert with Sean and complained THAT SHE CAN'T HANDLE HEAT! And remember how I kept my mouth shut about that and didn't say anything about that being strange considering her heritage? VINDICATION IS MINE. 
Sean notices that a lot of girls seem stoked (like Lesley, who's "totally fine with getting hypothermia for a rose. Sean is going to come and save me and then gives me CPR and then shock me and then we get to make out! It's all good." She is hilarious. I love her.), other girls don't. Both Lifetime Original AshLee and Temper Tantrum Tierra look like they're going to cry. AshLee says some bullshit about how this is going to make her emotionally vulnerable or some shit like that, and Tierra tells us, "I don't want to do this. It's freezing. I really don't want to do this. I'm going to die."

Good. That's what we're hoping for.

But they decide to do it, and the girls continue to freak out and start to get ready while Selma just sits on the bench and dabs on some more lip gloss, which is kind of hilarious. 
So the girls get in their bikinis and, with Sean, they hop around in the cold (yeah. It was definitely more a Bachelor Pad moment than a Bachelor one) and then run and jump in the lake.  They jump out and run back to the tents, whooping and screaming. One-Armed Sarah tells us that it felt amazing, AshLee says some more shit about how this was an incredible breakthrough, and Lesley says that it was incredible.
Tierra, however, suddenly "can't breath." She's wandering around, not keeping that aluminum heat blanket thing on (like, she's literally flapping her arms, flinging it away), and grabbing at the medics. They wrap her up in blankets, and she folds over, acting like she's not responsive. They load her up with more blankets and carry her out.  They get her in the car, get her all wrapped up, and one of the EMT checks her vitals. Catherine and Des are watching from the balcony, and Des totally flips out, repeating over and over, "I need to know who that is, I need to know who that is." You know...one of those moments when it's not about you but you make it about you? Des is pretty good at those.
Back at the car, Tierra is shaking and looking at her hands like she's blanking out or something, and the medic asks her if she knows what date is is. She says, "nuh uh."

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW WE KNOW SHE WAS FAKING IT. 
Not to get all personal, but I spent some time as a First Responder and an EMT-in-training. And when you're literally in shock, if someone asks you what date it is, there's a basic cognitive response from your brain that causes you to at least reflexively respond with an answer resembling a date. Most of the time you say your birthday. But saying "nuh uh" to "What date is it?" is like saying "nuh uh" to "how many fingers am I holding up?" It takes more effort for your brain to come up with a contrary, unrelated response than it does to give a related, almost-reflexive answer.
And I'm not going to say that she wasn't cold. She was probably cold. Her lips were a little blue and she was shivering. But she also wasn't moving around - she was sitting, folded over, being carried, etc, which means that her heart was pumping less oxygen to her bloodstream after a severe temperature shock. And, severe shivering can be exacerbated by a psychosomatic response, and from everything we know of Tierra, she definitely likes to exaggerate the situation. She got a concussion from falling UP the stairs, you know? And just because her mascara is running down her face doesn't mean she's dying. It means that she forgot to wear waterproof makeup, and that she's a big drama queen. 
Catherine and Des come into Tierra's room to see what happened. Tierra tells them, "They made us jump in the lake." Incorrect: They didn't make anyone jump in the lake. Selma didn't. You didn't have to, either. Granted, it was a horrible, horrible idea, but you chose to do it. Catherine and Des both tell us that Tierra looked terrible. In fact, they say that "she looked like she was in such a horrible state that they worried about the other girls."
Meanwhile, Daniella, Lindsay, Lesley, and Sarah are all whooping and hollering back to their hotel rooms, exclaiming about how "AMAZING" the Polar Plunge was. 
Sean comes into Tierra's room to check up on her. She's lying in bed with an oxgen tube around her nose. She starts laughing and telling him that she doesn't want him to see her like this "for the third time" (even though she totally LOVES that he gets to see her like this). "I'm always getting hurt around you!" she tells him. "Well, you keep finding ways to get time with me," Sean replies, and it's pretty much one of the only times I want to hit him. THAT'S THE POINT, YO. And suddenly every person in America sees a future of ridiculous medical bills that Sean has to pay because Tierra had another overreaction to something or needed some more attention.
Later that night, Sean and the other girls gather for the "party" portion of the group date. The girls are excited that Tierra won't be there for the date so there won't be any drama. Lelsey and Sean have some one-on-one time, and Lesley tells him that her feelings for him are very real and intense. Sean tells her that he appreciates her so much, loves her energy, etc. And I kind of get the sad feeling that he still really likes Lesley, but not as much as he maybe likes some of the other girls (and definitely not as much as Catherine).
Sean goes to find One-Armed Sarah, who looks really cute and has a surprise planned for him. She brought pictures of her family to show Sean...and while she's showing him these pictures, I can't help but notice that her nails are painted, and that distracts me because then I start wondering, "How does she paint her nails? How does she do her hair? How does she get her coat on?" Meanwhile, she's showing him pictures of her dad and her Cabbage Patch Doll and her as a baby, because she's so excited for him to one day meet her family and she wanted to give him a little glimpse into what that would be like. And this is one of those moments where it's confusing...because before, it was obvious that he was smitten by her, but now we get the feeling that he likes her in the way that a really great guy feels about a girl that he thinks of as a little sister. Like, Sean could be her absolute best guy pal. But in terms of romance, it seems clear from the way he interacts with her that he doesn't see her as a potential wife, and that he's probably not going to meet her family at this stage in the game. 
Meanwhile, back at Fake Medical Emergency Suite #1, Tierra is doing her makeup, because she's not having fun at all! and even though she's frozen, she doesn't care! She wants time with Sean, and she'll do anything it takes.
Which, apparently means crashing the group date again. 
Daniella, Lindsay, AshLee, and Lesley are sitting around talking about Tierra. Lesley tells us that Tierra is a professional at getting attention. "We have a Tierriaist on our hands." 
BEST QUOTE EVER!
So Tierra shows up, and she and Sean go and talk, and Sean asks Tierra if, at the end of all of this, would she like to be proposed to. Which is weird because he hasn't asked anyone else about that, which gives me fear for the future. Tierra says some shit about just wanting to live in this crazy world with him and seeing his face pop around the door at the end of the day, blah blah blah. I blocked most of it out because I don't care and am hoping that it's never going to matter. 
Everybody comes together again, Sean holds up the rose, and we think that Sean is going to give the rose to Tierra for her fake hypothermia, because, as Des correctly stated, that seems to be a habit with him. Instead! He gives it to Lesley! That was awesome. Tierra is pissed because she thinks that she deserves it, of course, and she's put up with a lot. A lot of faking, she means.
Everybody gets back to the hotel after the date, and Sean tells us that he's feeling upset because someone told him just how much it would mean to her for him to meet her family, and he just doesn't see that happening. Which means he's sending One-Armed Sarah home. He walks into the girls room and gets Sarah, and brings her back to his room. He tells her that lately he feels like he's been trying to force it with her (which is, like, the most painful thing you can tell a girl). He wanted it to work with them so badly, and it just hasn't been there, and he feels like they've mostly just been reaching. Poor girl. Sarah tells him that she would be lying if she told him she didn't feel totally hurt and surprised and caught off guard. And he tells her that she's by far one of the most incredible girls he's ever met, and you do kind of believe him. He tells her that he's telling her all this now because he doesn't want her to sit around all day tomorrow and during the rose ceremony if it's not in her best interests to do so, which...I mean. The guy is pretty honorable, yeah? She starts crying, and he walks her back to the room and tells her to take her time, that he'll be waiting for her when she's ready to go. She stands in the hallway and just kind of cries by herself for a minute, and it's so, so heartbreaking, you guys. Finally she walks back into the girls room and tells the girls that she's going home. 
During confessional, she starts crying some more. The explanation is always the same, she says. "You're an amazing girl, you're so special, and I want to connect with you but I just don't, and someone's going to be so lucky with you, and I don't want to put you through this." She says that she just doesn't want to be told forever how great she is and what she deserves, and almost every girl who's ever been dumped simply nods her head and agrees with her. Because that, right there? Totally sucks. And it's gotta suck even more for someone like Sarah, who is so incredible and special and sweet and beautiful, but has a disability that makes all those things even harder for her.  
So she leaves, and pretty much we're all crying at this point, because Sarah is amazing and I know that I made fun of her for talking about her arm so much but seriously. Make her the next Bachelorette, ABC. 
SarahOH, While We're In This Teepee, Let Me Just Tell You About Growing Up In A Tent! 
The third date of the week is a one-on-one...with Desiree. As Catherine noted, that's a bold move, to give Des a second one-on-one when neither Daniella or Tierra have gotten a first one-on-one. And seriously, Daniella just cried to you the other night because she's not getting one-on-ones, Sean! Come ON! 
But anyway, Sean and Des. Sean takes Des to the top of a mountain and then tells her that he's taking her on a picnic, but that it's at the bottom of the mountain, so they have to repel down. Des is scared, and at this point, between the roller derby and the polar plunge, I don't think anyone would be surprised if she ended up plunging to her death. But she doesn't and it's boring, and I spend most of this time making pizza for my friends, because snore. The one thing I did catch was her saying, "It would be a lot harder if Sean wasn't here right now." Well then you wouldn't even be doing it, Bridal Betty.
So they make it down, they have a picnic, talk about not doubting what they have or giving up on it, zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Then Des challenges him to a tree climbing competition, and talks a big game about how she could totally beat him at climbing trees. Sean SMOKES her at climbing the tree, which is hilarious.
Then we see them at night, walking through the woods with only a lantern/the entire film and lighting crew. They alight upon a teepee - "what's this doing here!" -  that has a roaring fire pit set up inside and some questionable Native American decorations. Des starts to tell Sean about how she doesn't care about money, how she used to live in a tent, and about going to a really nice school and being dropped off on the bus at the trailer park. She says that she never felt any tension and resentment in her family during that time, and that her parents just made it work for their family, etc. And I kind of like her better now that I know that she grew up poor (but not by much, for the record). Sean grabs the rose and tells her how special he thinks she is and how excited he is about where this is going. She gets the rose, they make out, etc. They do have good kissing chemistry, I have to admit. Sean tells us that he can see himself proposing to Des, even though in the back of our minds we're thinking, "Yeah, but she's still not Catherine..."
Bringing Shame Upon Your Family Won't Even Get You A Rose When You're At The Cruelest Rose Ceremony EVER  At the cocktail party, Selma decides to show Sean that since she didn't have the courage to do the Polar Plunge, she'll show him that she has the courage to do something different. So during her one-on-one time with Sean, she gives him a really still, long, closed-mouth kiss. Which is a huge shame to her family, she tells us, "But Mama, please forgive me. I had to bring out the big guns tonight." And by "big guns", she meant, "Check out these totally huge jugs in this really reveling dress, everyone! Rocky mountains? Check out THESE mountains! Rosebuds? I'LL show you ROSEBUDS! Big guns? Pow-pa-pow-pow!""
I could do this all day.
Lindsay brings Sean out to the fire, and she tells him that she's not going to kiss him the whole time, since when they're together all they do is kiss. So instead they talk. And they're a lot of fun together. Sean wants to know something about her that he doesn't know. "I sleep naked," she replies. "I support that!" he laughs. "The other girls aren't as accepting of it," she says, without missing a beat. It is HILARIOUS. Seriously, that girl is a riot without even having to try. 
Lifetime Original Movie AshLee gives him a scarf and tells him that it represents the opportunity to blindfold her and take control of their relationship. Growing up and feeling like your mom and dad don't want you makes you want to control everything in your life, she weepily tells us, and yes, it's sad and I admit it, because I'm not a monster. So, she tells us, giving up to control to Sean and making yourself vulnerable is a big step for her. So Sean carries her somewhere and sets her on a bench and she tells him that she's kind of freaking out, so he kisses her with the blindfold still on, and it's really sweet and kind of hot. BUT. I'm kind of tired of these girls acting like Sean is their therapist. He comes out winning every time, but this is The Bachelor, not Damaged Girls Therapy House.
At the Rose Ceremony, For A Good Time Call Daniella looks rough. And worried. No one-on-one date with Sean while Des got a second one? That's a bad sign. Sean calls out the names, and at the last rose, it's between Selma, Daniella, and Tierra. Sean gives the last rose to Tierra, sending home Selma and Daniella.  Daniella Selma I feel bad for Daniella, since she didn't even get a chance to make a connection with him outside of group dates. And I also kind of feel bad for Selma, who kissed him on national TV at the risk of shaming her family (I'm not going to get into her boobalicious outfits or her huge displays of physical affection. If Bible camp girls can remain virgins until they're married while still doing everything else but sex and keep the "I Waited" pride, then she can, too) and still got sent home. Selma  tells us that she came here to fall in love, and she's leaving with a memory. A heartbreak and a memory. And it's really hard for her to leave and know that Tierra's in there, having a glass of champagne, which, for real. I feel you, lady - that would piss me off royally. Daniella tells us that she's in complete shock. She's says that she's keeping a straight face, but she never got that shot with him. And she's over having a broken heart. She really is. Also, let's get that girl a makeover, because again, she looks totally rough...oy. That hair, those clothes (what's with the unflattering cotton/rayon blends, Daniella? You look like a cocktail waitress in a dive club)...not a good look for a buxom babe (unless she's going to a 90s themed party).
Anyway! The girls all raise a glass, Sean announces that "You six are the six for me!", which is hilarious, because where else does that make sense except on Sister Wives, and they all do a cheers to more unrealistic dates, this time in the tropics. 
Who do you think will be the next to go? Who's in your Top 4 now that the girls got totally decimated by some surprising eliminations this week? Spill it! 

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Nothing wrong with a little mimosa action while you finish up your Bachelor recap on the morning of your birthday...