Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 43

Snowy Friday Afternoon.

Work and writing, with Damien Rice's "O" album playing the background.
So perfect.

YEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSS!

I'm not too cool to admit that I roared with delight when I saw that Chris Jericho retweeted this tweet of mine.

Even though I don't really watch wrestling anymore (I gave that up when I made the decision to also give up the boyfriend who watched it. Strange how that stuff works, yeah?), I'm still a big fan when it comes to some of the wrestlers. And the reasons why I like them are probably the same reasons they've each been on the Nerdist Podcast...podcasts that, I might add, have been awesome.

And Jericho will be glad to know that his podcast appearance was especially awesome - better than CM Punk's, even (YEAH. I said it. Is this gonna start a Nerdist Podcast throw-down?! Hope so!) - even if it's only because it inspired a Michael McDonald-imitation sing-a-long.

And I already Hulu'ed all the episodes of Downton Abbey. THIS IS A DISASTER.

Hey everyone! I usually hate posts like these, because I know that you have better stuff to do than to sit on the edge of your seats, waiting with held breath for my posts...but. I do know some of you have been waiting for Maybe Not Monday, are waiting for Bachelor recaps, and will be waiting for Red Wing Wednesday.

But I just wanted to post this little update to let you know that I'm not slacking off on posts that I promised would be weekly features...instead, it appears that I have taken ill - like, Urgent Care, "oh you have that flu that's going around", get thee to bed and stay there ill - and since I live by the seat of my pants and haven't yet mastered the trick of "planning ahead", those posts are gonna have to wait, because I'm writing this lying down and that IS REALLY HARD TO DO. Did you guys know that? That writing posts -much less monstrous recaps, like the one I've been attempting all day - while lying down is tough? Tougher even than sitting up, which apparently makes me both dizzy and nauseous at the same time, which is super awesome.

So! This is that part where, when you work from home and primarily for yourself, that you decide to take a self-imposed sick day or three.

Because, Jesus. 

The Bachelor Recap, Episode 3: It's All Confetti and Bikinis Until Everyone Starts Crying

Photo: TheBachelor2013.comWelcome to Episode 3 of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!

There's confetti. There's kissing. There's bikinis. There's crying. There's necks that look like they were broken, but weren't. There's cardinal rules that looked like they were broken, and DEFINITELY were. There's champagne on hotel rooftops, there's champagne by a pool, and there's champagne in an amusement park. And then there's more crying. 

It was AWESOME.

And as a special treat, I've decided to forgo this week's stats and instead add in some Twitter commentary to jazz things up a little.

 Ready?

More after the jump!


 However, according to the expert, we can look forward to this every week.



Sean says some stuff about things being amazing...the ladies are amazing, this journey is amazing, this water is amazing...and that he's - amazingly - looking forward to another amazing week.
Which is amazing. 
Meanwhile, back at the Lady Ranch, Chris calls all the hos to the flo' and tells them that there's only way to make it to the top, and that's by breakin' it down the muthafuckin' beat, y'all! "Awwww, nah nah nah, my sisters, it's a dance-offfffffff!" he hollars, as he hits "play" on his boombox. The girls start some mad beef yo! by hitting the floor and shaking it harder than an earthquake. Robyn throws her hands up and yells out, "I'm gonna get that date card, and it's gonna say "Yo, Robyn, let's ditch these bitches and fall in love for real!" Tierra starts crunking her way over to Robyn, and even though nobody sees Tierra do anything 'cause they're all trying to kick it (and kick it real good) all of a sudden Robyn's laying on the floor with some broken stems. Lesley M is whipping up some mad dance skillz, and when Chris finally signals the fog horn, she looks around to see that all the other hos broke their asses trying to keep up with her slick stylin's. "Y'ALL JUST GOT SERVED BY LESLEY, Y'AAAALL!" Chris calls out. He hands Lesley the date card, salutes, and then pops and locks his way outta there!
A Record-Breaking Kiss
The next thing you know, Lesley and Sean are in a limo, on their way to Hollywood. They arrive at The Guinness Book of World Records. Nothing interesting is going to happen here, I bet. They're probably just going to have a super normal date of just hanging out and getting to know each other - did you know that Sean's dad has a world record for driving though a bunch of states in record time! Whoa! Tell us more, Sean! - and then end it with a quiet dinner at the Olive Garden or something.

But WAIT! NOPE, LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE THERE TO BREAK A WORLD RECORD OF THEIR OWN! HOW DID NONE OF US SEE THIS COMING?!

Sean and Lesley are given the task to break the world record for Longest Onscreen Kiss, which means they have to kiss longer than 3 minutes and 16 seconds.

Piece of CAKE. I've kissed guys for 15 minutes without stopping when I've been into them. Wanna know why? BECAUSE I PLAY LIKE A CHAMPION, THAT'S WHY.

Also, let's review - they've already done this before. They kissed last week - remember that whole plotline where Lesley and Sean are at the Harlequin Mansion and they have some alone time and then part and then Lesley feels like she blew it so she went back and kissed him? Yeah. I remembered that. You did, too, I bet.

Unfortunately, some of us did not.
C'mon, Ali. You're being PAID to watch and recap the Bachelor. Get it together. (More later about how much former Bachelorette Ali's tweets, opinions, and just general demeanor during this episode bugged me...)
So the rules for the kiss is that their lips must touch during the entire duration of the kiss - if at anytime they separate, the kiss is invalidated. Which makes it a little harder, but Lesley doesn't care! Lesley is gonna GO FOR IT! And go for it she does...

So they're kissing, and Sean's hand totally touches Lesley's butt around the 1 minute mark. Sean confides that Lesley's a great kisser - she's moving her hands, he's getting into it, and at times he forgets that there's even a crowd around them - which is evidenced when he touches her butt AGAIN. Watching three minutes of this is actually pretty boring, except for the fact that once again we get to be reminded of Sean's allyway makeout with Emily last season, and the totally hot way that Sean just kind of leans into the kiss, practically dipping the girl he's kissing, like he's all about it and just can't get enough...

And...um...I'll be right back.

Okay! So anyway, they end up breaking the record, confetti floats down from the sky, everyone else in the crowd starts making out with each other, and then they all run up to the top of a hotel rooftop, where they dance and sing of love!, and slowly, slowly, everyone else fades away, until it's just Sean and Lesley, sitting on some weird round cushioned chair thing under a neon hotel sign.

Sean and Lesley talk about high school - Lesley tells Sean that she really loved high school, but was kind of a nerd. Sean asks why she thinks she was, and then shares that he was a nerd, too, because he was in a lot of AP classes, you know. Lesley tells him that she was in a lot of clubs and just kind of studied a lot.

First of all, I'm not going to get into what I think constitutes a nerd and what doesn't. Taking AP classes and studying a lot...that mostly just means you're smart - or that you cared about being smart - which is awesome. Does it mean you're a nerd? Who cares. Does it mean you've just laid down a #humblebrag? Uh, no. If Lesley would have said, "I was a total nerd in high school, I got all A's and people were totally mean to me for being so smart."? THAT would have been a humblebrag.

I mean...come on. It's like Ali is practically begging me to give her a hard time for her tweets.
Going back to the episode - Lesley and Sean talk about their parents, Lesley tells him that her parents are still madly in love and still hold hands - just like Bridal Betty's parents! Guess Des isn't the only one to have that really unique connection with Sean after all - and then tells Sean that she's a little nervous around him. There's a couple of weird silences - mostly Sean's fault - and then Leslie kisses him again. Which is a smooth move, but it also kind of proves a long-held point I have: If you have to make the first move with a guy, he's always going to expect you to make the moves first.

So Sean gives her the rose, and then confetti falls from the sky again while they kiss and we're swept back into the magical world of Bachelor Land, where long-held rules of dating conduct have no place here, because every relationship is a magical relationship and always successful for the long-term!


The Most Dramatic Volleyball Game EVER!


Group Date Time! Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H, Ford Model Kristy, Catherine, Bridal Betty/Desiree, Teary Taryn, The Three Faces of Amanda, Lindsay, For A Good Time Call Daniella, Jackie, and Tierra are picked to go on a group date with Sean, with the only hint to the activity being the date card, which reads, "Who's going to win my heart - Sean".
Which obviously means a competition, and that the girls are going to be split up into two teams to compete for more time with Sean, because I don't know where you think you are, but this is The Bachelor and we don't do original plot lines here!
Selma, One-Armed Sarah, and Lifetime Original Movie AshLee are not picked for the group date. Which Lifetime Original Movie AshLee, for the record, is glad about, because she has a feeling that the group date is "an activity", and she's hoping for something more...romantic with Sean.  

Ho-ho-ha-ha-heh-heh-HAHAHAHAHA! Keep holding onto that hope, AshLee. I'm sure it will turn out to be juuuuust the way you were hoping for...
The group date girls arrive at the beach. Brain Surgeon/Ford Model Kristy thinks that the date is definitely going to have some kind of competition. Everyone in America is sure there will be, since all the girls seem to be wearing color-coordinated bikinis.

Sean shows up, the girls tell him to take his shirt off, he does, they all play around at the beach - tossing footballs, watching Sean do push-ups, you know, regular beach stuff - and then Chris shows up. "The minute I see Chris Harrison, I know that things are not going to fun for someone here," state Kacie.

And she's right!
Chris announces that they're going to split up into two teams and play volleyball...for Sean's HEART! Also for more time with him later that night.  Lindsay's like "All riiiight." With NO enthusiasm whatsoever...which is hilarious, because that's totally what I would be like, too.
So the girls split up into two teams and start playing. And it's boring. And horrible. And BORING! The only difference is, it's only boring to me and not to the girls playing, for whom this is the most important volleyball game of their entire lives. 

Seriously. Some girl even said that.
Match point, and Bridal Betty is up to serve. The other team biffs it, and Bridal Betty's team wins.
Losing team is super bummed. Kristy starts crying, and her falsies do not hold up well under her tears. A bunch of people on Twitter make lame jokes about how there's no crying in volleyball, the winning team pops open some champagne, and Leslie H. starts crying, too. Because apparently there is crying in volleyball. There's a lot of crying in volleyball.

The losing team does the walk of shame and climbs barefoot into some minivan, where there's a bunch more crying about losing not only the game, but also more time with Sean, the guy that they've known for about a week, tops. Which is awesome, because this is exactly the stuff that makes this show so hilarious. 
As their prize, the winning team gets to go to Sean's house. Woot. Bridal Betty makes a total bitch comment with her total bitch face: "The other team is probably crying in their beds at home." It's comments like these that make me wonder how ANYONE can think that she's likeable, much less the next Bachelorette.

See, when Ali first called it a couple weeks ago that Des was going to be the next Bachelorette if she didn't make it to the end, I replied that I couldn't understand how she liked her - Des was bitchy, especially when she was under pressure, and is kind of conceited all around. And then I realized - Ali likes Des because Des is just like her. Ali was super bitchy on her first season (The Bachelor: Jake Is A Pilot), she talked smack about the other girls behind their backs and to their faces (remember how she totally bullied Vienna? And not that I liked Vienna, but c'mon. Being so mean to her that she cried was still not cool), she thought she had Jake locked down...and Des even kind of LOOKS like Ali.

You guys might think I'm being hard on Former Bachelorette Ali in this post. And I am, because I can't understand how someone who seems so smart can be so off-point on something so important and crucial, such as this show.

Anyway! Sean has alone time with Lindsay. They make out a bunch, which is cool because I like that girl. And then it's time for Sean and Bridal Betty to have alone time. 
"Des" tells us that she deserves all the time she can get with Sean. Sean tells her that he doesn't think he'll ever get tired of hanging out with her. Her reply: "No, I don't think you will, either. I'm pretty fun." Sean tells her that he likes her confidence. "Yeah, but what a lot of people don't know about me is that I'm deep."


Des tells him that she has "a deeper side" to her. She thinks deeper than other people. She enjoys life, and she enjoys the beauty of life. 

Let's just get something straight right now: Saying that you're deeper than most people...it's like saying that you're smart, or that you have class, or that you're kind of a big deal, or that you're a trendsetter. If you have to say it, it's probably not true...it's just something that you want to think is true.

 And then she goes on to say that she knows what she has, and that it's maybe what Sean wants...so when it comes to him and the other girls, she doesn't feel like she has to worry about it.

Seriously. GET OVER YOURSELF. There's a difference between confident and conceited, and I think we know which side Bridal Betty is on.

Meanwhile, back at the Lady Ranch, there's a date card that Tierra Tiara reads and it's for Lifetime Original Movie AshLee and Tierra makes a dumb joke about it being for Selma, too, which really upsets One-Armed Sarah because she did NOT think that was funny, which of course meant that Tierra Tiara TOTALLY thought it was funny, because that's Tierra is basically a spoiled five-year-old and she makes it super easy for everyone to hate her. Yawn.

Back at Sean's house, The Three Faces of Amanda and Bridal Betty have a really weird and creepy conversation about the group date rose - "I want that rose." "Oh really, what would you do to get it?" "Anything." - and Amanda tells us that she thinks she should get the rose tonight because she feel she has a lot to offer, besides the fact that she's really ugly.

Amanda and Sean go off together and Des talks some shit about Amanda to all the girls because that's the kind of girl that Des is. Kacie sits there and listens to Des talking, and she starts to look uncomfortable, and it's like...oh no. Oooooh no. No no no! Don't do it, Kacie. Don't you do it, Kacie!

But she does. She goes and breaks one of the cardinal, infallible rules of Bachelordom - she decides to Talk To The Bachelor About One Of The Girls In The House.
This is also the exact part of the show that I can't hear because I'm watching the show with three fly fisherman who decide that this is would be a perfect time to talk excitedly about fishing. You might wonder, first of all, why I'm watching it with three fly fisherman? Mainly because I have a knack of turning guys onto this show, and so I've gotten one of them hooked (get it?) on The Bachelor, and he decided to invite two of his buddies over for pizza and hanging out...at least, that's what he said. I personally suspect that he invited them over so they would have to watch it, too, and then get hooked on it as well. But anyway - so they were talking during this part of the show, and while I've killed men for less, I didn't kill them for it, because I love them and also because I knew exactly what was going to happen, so I didn't even need to hear it. It probably went something like this-

1) The girl says something in a gently, careful and quiet tone about wanting to tell The Bachelor something that's been bothering her, and it has to do with one (or two) of The Girls In The House.
2) The Bachelor is at first opened and concerned.
3) The more he hears, though, the more he begins to shut off.
4) The more he begins to shut off, the more nervous the girl gets.
5) The Bachelor acts defensively.
6) The girl starts to lose her shit from the inside out.
7) Girl goes home during the next rose ceremony. Or, best case scenario, ends up sticking around for a few more weeks, but never makes it to the end.

Here's the thing, for both Bachelor life and real life: The guy doesn't want to hear it. He never wants to hear it. Wanna know why? Because he doesn't care! She could be the biggest bitch from here until Des, and he could be the best kind of guy from here until sainthood, but if she's hot enough, he could honestly give a shit about whether or not she's a bitch or weird or crazy. Throughout the entire history of Bachelorhood, this has been proven true. Almost every single season - hot and bitchy always trumps sweet and cute. Ben even saw Courtney being bitchy to Emily, and acknowledged it, and he still kept her around! And the thing that drives me crazy about this...it's not like Kacie hasn't seen any of the seasons where this has happened. She was ON a season where this has happened! And still she learned nothing!

So whatever Kacie's motivation for telling Sean whatever she told him, there was only maybe a 1% chance it was going to work. Kacie didn't get the date rose, and the only thing that would have put more nails in her coffin was if Sean had given the rose to Bridal Betty or The Three Faces of Amanda (he gave it to Lindsay).
But still Kacie cries, because she knows that it's probably the end for her. And everyone in America nods, because we think it is, too. 
The Fake Fall Heard 'Round The World

The next day, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee is getting ready for her date. She tells us that she plans on talking to talk to Sean about her adoption and her family while on her date, because of course she would! What better first date topics are there besides becoming an orphan, going through a series of foster homes, and getting adopted? This date is gonna be a blast!
And then Tierra Tiara falls. Down the stairs, just like what happened in Showgirls. And she's just lying there, totally out of it, kind of like you would do if you were faking something. Someone calls 911, paramedics come in, so does Sean, and everyone watches as Tierra Tiara gets flatboarded. Then Tierra Tiara throws a serious tantrum about not wanting to go to the hospital, that she's fine, "so just get me out of here!" So they do, and then, all of a sudden, she's totally okay!!!! IT'S MAGIC, EVERYBODY!
 Tierra Tiara feels so much better, she decides to go and recline on one of the cozy little couches by the pool. Sean follows her out to check up on her, and before you know it, they're cuddling and laughing and she's looking up at him adoringly ...wait, didn't she just fall down the stairs? And hurt her neck while doing so? Seems like an odd position to be sitting in after you just took a tough fall down the stairs... Which the girls notice, and they are PISSED! And I don't know if you guys know this, but Lifetime Original Movie AshLee is smart (just like Tierra!) and she knows when someone is crying wolf! Tierra is obviously okay playing the victim and Lifetime Original Movie AshLee doesn't like it! "The next time I make her fall down the stairs, I'm gonna to make sure the job gets done." She tells the camera. "Wait! Did I just say that out loud?!"

The Six Flags of Crazytown


Lifetime Original Move Ashlee and Sean arrive at the destination for their date, which is an amusement park, and upon arrival, they discover that they're going to be hanging out with two younger girls as part of what I can only assume is Make A Wish, because my fishing comrades are talking during this part of the episode, too, so I can only really watch what's happening instead of hear it. The most surprising thing I learn during these parts is that the dates are now so formulaic that I don't even really need to hear what the people are saying, and I'll bet money that if I just watched the show once with the sound muted, the recap would probably end up being more interesting than what actually happens.

Anyway - Lifetime Original Move AshLee's wearing a really great dress, but big deal, because everyone knows that crazy people dress really well. And then I notice that her face is kind of crooked, and then I notice that she's wearing these big brown heels or clogs or something, which sucks for her. Nothing like wearing a short dress and heels to an amusement park, huh? Good job, show producers. Really knocked it out of the park on that one!

Get it? I said park, and they're at an amusement park? Hope you got that joke.

So they hang out with the two younger girls, and they ride on rides and play games and take pictures, and it's really sweet and Sean is awesome. Then, during the late-night romantic portion of the date, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee dives right into her childhood, including the fact that she was abused by a family, but good news, everyone: She was never sexually abused! Glad she cleared that up for us, in case her date-night confession became even more of a buzz kill and romantic downer. What a relief, because talk about awkward.

Let me just make something clear: I have deep compassion for anyone who's been abused. And much like One-Armed Sarah, I'm not mocking it because I'm evil and cold-hearted. I feel bad that AshLee or anyone had to go through that in childhood, but the thing is...you don't tell someone that stuff on the first date. Not because you should be ashamed of it, but because it's too much, too soon. Stuff like that is not only awkward and uncomfortable for your audience, it's also manipulative - you're trying to create intimacy and bonding by telling a waaay personal story so the other person feels sorry for you or feels an obligation to be nice to you, without any obligation or thought on your part to their level of comfort. And, it's also kind of creepy.

She tells a story about her adopted dad, who sounds awesome, but it's just...this is why I don't like her, and this is why I think she's kind of crazy. This is not stuff that normal people talk about on a first date, even if it is The Bachelor. And while this happening, everyone on Twitter is going on and on about how sweet and open she is and how she has such a good heart and she'll probably make it to the end and I'm just like...she's crazy. 
 How do you guys not see that she's crazy, and crazy desperate for some type of emotional connection, no matter how she has to go about getting it? That's why I call her Lifetime Original Movie AshLee! Case in point: After Sean gives the rose - because what was he going to do? Not give her the rose after she just divulged her childhood abuse to him?! You see what I mean? - Sean and AshLee are treated to a private concert (what?! That kind of stuff never happens on this show!) and they slow dance the night away. During this time, in camera confessional, AshLee sobs about how she "really wants this." You've known the guy for about a week, you've had one real date with him, and you're already sobbing about how much you want this. Let me spell it out for you -

C-R-A-Z-Y-T-O-W-N.

And This Is Where I Leave You...Without The Rose I'm Holding In My Hand For Some Unknown and Obviously Unnecessary Reason
Cocktail PAAAARTAAAAAYYY!! Sean looks hot. The Three Faces of Amanda looks torn up.Sean surprises One-Armed-Amanda with her dog, which is super sweet and makes it obvious that he's completely smitten with her. Kacie's dress makes her look like she's going to lead an aerobics class by the pool later.

Time with Tierra Tiara! Tierra is already complaining to Sean about not getting enough time with him. This is also a cardinal rule of The Bachelor that Tierra is seriously close to breaking - no nagging about lack of time together or time spent with other girls. And right on cue, Des comes up and takes him away from Tierra, which makes Tierra even MORE pissed, because every singe time! She's had time with him! She's been interrupted! Just like that time when she fakes an injury right before someone else's date! So she could spend uninterrupted time with him!
But good news, because Tierra Tiara is NOT going to let this happen! She gets what she wants! So she stomps back out to the pool, grabs Sean from Des, and pulls him away from her, shouting, "MINE FIRST! He was MINE FIRST!"
And proceeds to complain AAAA-GAIN to Sean about how getting five minutes with him is not enough.

So Des is pissed that she got interrupted by Tierra - it burns when someone plays you at your own game doesn't it, Bridal Betty? - but doesn't do anything about it. Lesley does, though! I love that girl. She just walks up to Sean and Tierra Tiara, like, "Oh...so sorry to interrupt." It was hilarious. Tierra just got up and stomped away.

Kacie and Sean get time together and Sean seems a little cold to her during their conversation. And at this point, I feel like Kacie is going home. Not just because she broke a cardinal rule of Bachelor, but because she's wearing a super awful dress. Right when they're starting to get to the good stuff, though, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee waltzes up with Selma and sits down, which seems highly rude, especially since AshLee already has a rose from her date with Sean and doesn't really "need" any more time with him.

But no bother, because it's rose ceremony time! Sean asks Kacie if he can talk to her privately, and takes Kacie out of the room, but brings a rose with him. He tells her that he felt friendship for her back when they met over the summer in New York, and he had too much respect for her to make her stand through another rose ceremony when he now knows that his feelings don't go beyond friendship. Which is pretty stand-up of him, I must admit. So Sean softly dumps Kacie in the rain, and she leaves in the limo while he stands there, watching, holding a rose for no reason whatsoever. 

Everyone gets a rose after that, except for Ford Model Kristy and Teary Taryn, whom, I should note, were both on the losing volleyball team. So maybe that volleyball game really was the most important volleyball game of their entire lives? Too bad they blew it!

Taryn KristyTeary Taryn cries a lot, and so does The Best From Midwest, aka Ford Model Kristy. Tears. So many tears in the rain... Kacie cries in the limo, and I kind of feel bad for her, but then I realize that she's, like, a 25 year old virgin from the South with legs that just won't quit, and then I just kind of want to smack her.
My top four picks (notice I didn't say The Top Four Girls I Like The Most) remain -
Catherine Bridal Betty (aka, Des) Lesley M. LindsayAnd that's it! Wishing you nothing but champagne and hot tubs until we meet again next week...

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Sunday Night Special: Turkey Bacon Chili, paired with chilly British noblepeople.

For this week's Sunday Night Special, we're making turkey bacon chili.

You heard me.

Chili. With turkey. And BACON!

And it's so ridiculously easy to make. Big thanks to Nicholas Kolnik for the recipe!

Ingredientses* include:


1 lb ground turkey
1 package sliced bacon (you'll need about 10 slices)
3 cans stewed tomatoes (or save yourself some change and get one jumbo can and one reg. can, like I did)
1 can chili beans
1 can black beans
1 can kidney beans
+
Chili seasoning...

For chili seasoning, you can either go with a regular packet of chili seasoning - super easy - or do it free style. I like to add a tsp of brown sugar, a few shakes of Worcestershire sauce, a tsp of chili powder, and another tsp of salt and pepper, and that's it. I don't like my chili to be too spicy, mainly because I'm a wuss. If you do, I would suggest adding in a pinch of Cayenne red pepper.

To make:
Brown your turkey, turkey! Then cook your bacon...you're going to crock pot this, so you really only need to lightly cook the bacon, since the objective is to add bacony-smokey flavor to the chili, and the bacon's going to go soft in the crockpot, anyway, so don't knock yourself out trying to cook it to crisp perfection (unless, of course, you have some bacon left over. Then I invite you to do so and eat it as a snack to tide you over until the chili's ready).

Combine all ingredientses into your crockpot.
Turn it on high.
Set your timer for 3 hours.
And try really, really hard not to attack the chili before it's done. Maybe go work out at the YMCA for a little bit. Catch a movie. Just get yourself out of the house so you're not torturing both you and your family while this cooks.


This photo taught me that there's really no way for an amateur to take a photo of chili and have it NOT look disgusting.

But just know that the chili itself? Not disgusting. SO GOOD! And easy! And healthy, if you're really into meat and beans and stewed tomatoes.

You can, of course, add in and modify ingredientses, because it's chili and that's what makes chili great. Nicholas' original recipe called for corn, but as everyone who knows me knows, I hate corn. So I left it out, but you can put that in. I think some green peppers might be good in this thing, too. Perhaps mushrooms? I don't know...I don't really go looking to *add* in vegetables that often, so I'm probably the wrong person to ask.

Anyway! This chili pairs really well with red wine. I like Chateau St. Michelle's Cabernet with this one, but a Pinot Noir would probably be really great, too. And for your viewing pleasure, I would suggest the first season of Downton Abbey . Because while the show seemed like it would be right up your ally, the series pilot bored you to tears - because you thought this was going to be about English nobility and rich girls and proper English romances with some servant drama going on downstairs, right, and not just all about some droll limping butler who seems to be hiding a secret, the truth about which you could really care less about discovering - and you're kind of afraid to give it another go, but your friends all won't shut up about it and you're kind of in the mood for something English. Fear not! This chili is anything BUT boring, so it and the wine you've paired it with will balance quite nicely with an incredibly slow-moving English Masterpiece TV series.

Happy Sunday!

*After seasons of watching Theresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey pronounce "ingredients" as "ingredientses", I've taken to doing it myself now. It's one of those things that you do at first as a joke, and then you realize that you've been doing it for so long that you're just doing it for real now. So there's that.

A Letter To The Guy Who Harassed Me Outside The Bar

A Letter To The Guy Who Harassed Me Outside The Bar: So what? You say. So you get a lot of attention, why is that such a bad thing? Annoying, maybe, but no harm, no foul! You know you mean no harm, but how do I know that? When women get harassed on the street, or at a bar, or on their walk home from work, do you know what we think? We wonder, am I going to get out of this safely? Am I going to walk away from this? Where are my keys if I need to stab someone in the eye? Are there people on the street? Will they hear me? Which way will I run? Solar Plexus, Instep, Nose, Groin. I’m exaggerating, but only so slightly. Does it disturb you that we think like this? That we have to think like this?

I tend to read stuff like this with a more critical eye than usual...or more to the point, I tend to read it the way I would if I weren't the target audience or demographic. And I read the part about asking your female friends if they've ever done X, Y, and Z, "just in case", and I heard this little voice say, "Big deal. Guys sometimes do that stuff, too, you know. It's just about being smart and safe, not about guys being the enemy."

And it's not about guys being the enemy. All guys aren't the enemy. It's about this culture that we've somehow created, where it's deemed okay to be aggressive towards women, but it's not okay for women to call men out on it.

I will never, ever forget a night in my life that illustrated this so perfectly for me: I was at the Green Mill in Uptown with my friends Karah and Chelsea for Happy Hour on Wednesdays, the way we did every single week. Chels, myself, and Karah were standing at the back bar, and this group of three guys sidled up to the bar, next to Karah. As Karah and I talked, I could see, out of the corner of my eye, one of the guys start to pay attention to our conversation. He interjected with a dumb comment. Karah looked at him, rolled her eyes at him, and turned back to me and kept talking. He interjected again. Karah ignored him and kept talking. He interjected a third time, and Karah stomped her foot, turned and faced him, and yelled, loudly, "Dude! NOT INTERESTED!" He mumbled something about just trying to be friendly, but she wasn't having it. "You're interrupting our conversation, rudely, and you've done it multiple times. Not okay. Please leave us alone."

I was, admittedly, taken aback at first. The old social voices ran though my head - she should have been polite, there was a nicer way to do that, she should have just laughed it off or ignored him. And then, as if Karah could hear what I was thinking, she said, "I'm not going to be nice to that guy, because he's invading our space and interrupting our conversation. That's how girls get raped and attacked. I literally just read a study about that: Women are always so afraid to look like a bitch and we're told that we're supposed to be nice all the time, so we don't confront the guy who's following us home, or tell the guy who's bothering us to leave us alone. We tell ourselves that we're exaggerating the situation and so we don't stand up for ourselves, and then men prey on that and that's how women end up getting raped and killed in the lobby of their own apartment building."

And you know what? She was right. How many times, as a girl, have I let some creepster invade my space at the bar because I was afraid to hurt his feelings (and how fucked up does that even sound, when we say it out loud?)? How many times have I let some guy, whom I've had no interest in, interrupt my conversation with a friend or the activity I was engaged in, because I didn't want to be rude or be perceived as a bitch by telling him to get lost? How many men have somehow made me feel like I was being rude because I wouldn't give in to their repeated insistence that I let them walk me to my car or buy me a drink? And the thing is...I knew better, and they did, too, and so do you - these are not the type of guys who were merely trying to be chivalrous. These were the type of guys who were doing something to appear chivalrous in order to take advantage of women, in some shape or form. And you know how I know? Instinct. The inner voice and life force I was born with, that was created distinctly to keep me from harm. The very thing that society blatantly tells us girls to ignore during our formative years...that we are to discard it especially when listening to it means that we'll act in a way that won't be nice. 

I am tired of telling our girls to be nice. I am tired of our girls being lectured and punished - either directly by parents and role models or inadvertently through social and media messages - for not being polite, for not being sweet, for not being nice to everyone. That's it's more important to be liked than it is to protect yourself. To stand up for yourself.

One thing I know for sure, based on life experience, is that the only people who tell women that they're blowing stuff like this out of proportion are people who are wrong and feel cornered about it. People who take liberties they know, in the back of their mind, they shouldn't take, or who let others take liberties that they know, in the back of their mind, shouldn't be taken. Men who are defensive, women who want to appear "cool", and people from both camps who simply do not value women.

This isn't even about feminism, when you get right down to it. It's about humanity. It's about teaching our girls to stand up for themselves, and teaching our boys to respect those girls when they do. It's about teaching manners - teaching that gentlemen value their companion's comfort and well-being more than anything else, and teaching that ladies can and should be responsible and respected for teaching others how she would like to be treated.

I'm tired of the culture of fear. I'm tired of women being afraid of standing up for themselves due to outdated social values. I'm tried of men being afraid to speak up when their buddy is making a girl uncomfortable. I'm tired of people allowing these things to happen because they're afraid to stand up for others. We talk a lot about how much less safe our world - our cities, our towns, our neighborhoods - are than they were twenty years ago, fifty years ago, etc. And they are, because we've allowed them to become that way.

And I'm not doing it anymore.

When I reposted this article on Facebook (special thanks to my friend Alexis Bell for the original posting), I asked all of my male friends to please read it, even if they felt like it might not apply to them, and I asked all of my female friends to "Like" it if they've ever done any of the "just in case" scenarios. 25 girls clicked "Like" on the post. 25 of my girl friends have felt uncomfortable, have felt in danger, have felt threatened by guys who either thought their behavior was okay, or just didn't care if it was or not. Some of the comments are harrowing.

And I know it's easy to throw up our hands and ask how we can possibly change it, it's never going to change, men are just as afraid of women, blah blah blah. And that's bullshit. Any great, effective change starts with one person. One person who speaks out. Who teaches someone close to them why certain behavior is or is not okay. Who cares enough to be willing to make a difference. My poor little brother...I post stuff like this on his wall all the time, even though I know that his frat buddies and girl friends probably see it and ask him about it, or make jokes about it, or roll their eyes about it. And I don't want to embarrass my baby brother, but when it comes to stuff like this...frankly, I don't care. I keep doing it, because god damn it...I want my little brother to not just respect women, but to care about them. I want him to be the kind of guy who sticks up for girls and protects his female friends and offers to walk a girl to her car not because he's hoping to get some action out of it, but because he wants to make sure she feels comfortable and safe, all the time. And I want him to know that when he does stuff like that? There's a girl in his life who is so, so proud of him.

That's what it's going to take. It's going to take a constant, mindful, courageous course of reinforcing and modeling the great behavior we see, and having the guts to call out shitty stuff. Because this isn't just on men...it's on us, too, as women. We need to be more like Karah...willing to stand up for ourselves and set our boundaries and tell guys that it's not okay that they're making us uncomfortable (and fuck their feelings if they are). We need to teach our girls that it is totally okay and right to speak up if someone is making them feel uncomfortable, and then show them that it's okay. We need to stick up for our friends and our fellow women when we see them being bothered or harrassed. We need to stop being afraid of being called a bitch or a nazi feminist or whatever other labels are used to try and degrade and shame us, and realize that people who call us that? Don't get to change or comment on our behavior because they're just given up their right to our respect.

And we need more articles like the one above. Articles that speak our stories, so that we don't feel so alone, and so that others know that we're not alone. We need more absolutely fantastic articles like this one and this one and radical videos like this one, both from men, both so perfectly spot-on that it's heartwarming and shocking and amazing, all at once. Because this isn't just a girl problem...it's a community one. A social one. And it's time for all of us to change the story.

There's a lot of bad things going on in this world, kids. And girls maybe sort of pretending to like geek stuff to get attention? IS NOT ONE OF THEM.

As those of you who have attended my Ignite MPLS and Nerd Nite Duluth presentations know already, I'm kind of fascinated with this really weird place we seem to be in popular culture right now.

On one hand, we're experiencing a sort of Nerd Renaissance, which I think is awesome. To me, an abundance of nerd stuff always equals a quirkier and thus more interesting - and hilarious, and totally fun - world. And I like that more people are catching on to how great some of this stuff is. The more people who like stuff like comic books, sci-fi, cosplay, and totally righteous genre-and-age-bending stuff like Adventure Time means the greater chance that stuff like that will continue to be made.


What I DON'T like is this really weird attitude of "we were here first, and so you assholes don't get to come in", where the nerds are now the ones who seem to be pushing kids up against the lockers, bullying them about not being nerdy enough. It drives me crazy. Those of us who consider ourselves lifelong nerds didn't like weird stuff as kids because we were hoping it would make us cool...on the contrary: We loved that weirdo stuff so much that we couldn't help but like it even though we were painfully aware that it was going to make us look anything but cool. Some of us even got bullied for it. Which makes me really fucking crazy to see that now, some of those very kids are the ones who are bullying others for liking the stuff they like.

And the sexism...oy.

I'm not going to get into the history of my personal nerdom right now, because those stories are better saved for later, and I would only be trying to say what the below says so much better. But I will say is: A few years ago I read an article - also on Buzzfeed, I believe, or maybe Jezebel - from a self-proclaimed nerd girl who was tired and frustrated with starlets "bragging" about being a nerd when they were, in fact, not nerds (according to her). And while she had some interesting points about purposefully trying to look silly and dorky in order to be more accessible to guys and how that only hurts feminism in the end, etc, the article definitely came off as "I'm this, and you're not, SO BEAT IT." And while I can't for the life of me find that article again, I feel like...that's when this Fake Geek Girl started to come up.

And it's bullshit, and it needs to stop. For many, many reasons, most of which are brilliantly outlined here.

Also, I am now totally and officially in love with this girl right here. Not just because of this -


But also because of this -


I also really loved this (thanks to Nerd Nite Duluth presenter Alison Klawiter for posting this on the Nerd Nite Duluth Facebook Group!)

The Most Amazing Powerpoint Presentation Slide EVER.

Photo: Nerd Nite DuluthThis is just one of the many delightful topics found at Nerd Nite Duluth (become a part of their highly-interactive Facebook Group here)

*trots off to buy A Viking's Vow"

Red Wing Wednesday: (A Retelling Of) Corn Night

In Red Wing MN, the night before Halloween was both a rite of passage and a tradition among adolescents and teenagers. It was enough to cause shrieks of revelry from The Youngs, paranoia from The Olds, and furious fist-shaking and threats of death from the elderly. It 'twas...

Corn Night.

Never heard of it? That's okay...you're not alone! A lot of people - including a lot of people from Red Wing - have blissfully lived under the impression that Corn Night was something that Red Wing just kind of made up. "Yeah but, I talked to my cousin in Michigan and she's never even heard of Corn Night," I remember one girl in my 10th grade class declaring during a casual discussion about it.

And thus began my life-long fascination with the "If neither I nor an arbitrary acquaintance of mine have never heard of it, it must not exist" phenomenon.

However, I knew better, mainly because I happened to be that special type of nerd who actually liked to read the Encylopedia Britannica.

For, you know, leisure time.

So once, when I was in the third grade and had some time to kill between getting bullied by Joshua Marklevits and being as obnoxious as possible during classroom instruction, I slid out the "C" edition of Mrs. Bloome's Encyclopedia set for some light reading.This was when I discovered the origins of Corn Night, which was a pagan tradition: The night before Halloween, villiagers would throw corn on their neighbor's doors to protect them from the evil spirits that were sure to come out and roam the countryside the next night, surveying homes for both souls to devour and opinions on why Downton Abby is so incredibly boring and yet so beloved by all.

(And, thanks to the amazing information sharing portal known as the internets, I've also since gathered proof that Corn Night isn't just a Red Wing thing - there was also a Corn Night tradition in St. Peter, MN (and special thanks to the author for referencing this blog!), as well as similar traditions in other regions, the most popular and wide-spread usually known as "Mischief Night".)

Anyway, SO! When I was growing up, Corn Night was that one night in our privileged, white-bread, suburban, sheltered young lives when we and all our friends could band together and rove the (well lighted, pleasantly clean, and typically safe) streets in delightful mutiny and engage in renegade acts of pointless destruction and vandalism. Which, as pointless destruction and vandalism often proves to be, was super freaking fun. Common activities included smashing pumpkins, overturning garbage cans, throwing corn and eggs at neighbor's houses, TP'ing trees and lawn ornaments, and writing hilarious and scandalous things (like "penis" or "boobs") in soap on people's cars. It was...awesome.

However, according to The Olds in Red Wing, Corn Night was not awesome. In Red Wing - more specifically in the town paper, The Red Wing Republican Eagle - we had this thing called "People's Platform"...it was kind of like the Bulletin Board in the Pioneer Press, where people could call in and share stories or insight with their community, only this was a little bit more civic-directed: It was used primarily for adults to have a platform (get it?) to bitch about stuff they didn't like. Or, if they felt particularly constructive that day, to offer advice or opinions on how to turn everything into stuff they would like. While the People's Platform was incredibly useful in coming to the crucial outcome of the long and heated debate over what our school colors should be (they had been purple and white for decades, but some Negative Nancy started complaining that since our town was called Red Wing, red should be part of our school colors. After months of everyone and their mom giving their two cents on the subject and a school-wide vote, the dispute was resolved with the new school colors being purple and red with white as an accent color. And the world was suddenly right again), the bulk of the comments came from senior citizens calling to complain that their trash cans were blown down by the wind again ("Something needs to be done about this!") and that people were driving their cars too fast with their car stereos turned up too loud.

So as you can imagine, in the weeks leading up to Corn Night and for days afterward, People's Platform was overwhelmed with complaints from adults, calling for Corn Night to be abolished. And always, always, at least one token parent would call in to wonder aloud about where Corn Night even came from, since she had never even heard of it until she came from Red Wing! The best was when, one year, some guy replied to one of these "Where did Corn Night come from" comments and suggested that it was actually invented by gangs from the cities who were using it as a cover to start gang activity in Red Wing. "I mean...think about it!"

Which was hilarious because it totally fed into the favorite town hall topic of the decade - Gangs are coming to Red Wing! - and further illustrated the divide between The Youngs and The Olds. The Olds thought that spotting a kid sporting a red bandana on his head or seeing some poorly drawn graffiti on the train bridge were sure signs that gangs were setting up shop in our pretty little river town. The Youngs knew that no one in their right minds would come down from the Twin Cities to live in Red Wing, and that a red bandana and some spray paint on public property probably just meant that Adam Meffert had watched "Dangerous Minds" again. 

But and so, the war on Corn Night began. Police ordered a 10:00 pm curfew on Corn Night for all those under 18. You were also not allowed to buy more than one carton of eggs at a time in the week leading up to Corn Night, and there were no egg sales allowed the day of unless you were an adult or with a parent. Neighborhoods put together a patrol team to walk the streets in search of kids causing mayhem, and schools sent home notes to parents to warn them to a close eye on their kid's activities that night. 

It was a lot of cracking down, on this thing called Corn Night. A lot of cracking down, indeed. However, what The Olds never realize or tend to forget, cracking down on stuff like Corn Night? Just serves to make it that much more fun.

See, us smart kids knew enough to plan slumber parties on Corn Night. And thinking back, I don't know if my parents didn't realize what Corn Night was or if they just didn't care...but they always let me have slumber parties that night...and then they let us go out? So maybe my parents were just really cool? I don't know. Anyway, the fact that we knew other adults - including the police - were going to be watching for us added a certain element of danger, and thus, excitement... Sneaking through yards and running to the nearest cover; smashing eggs as quietly as you could against the window of the boy who didn't ask to slow-dance with you at the last school bash (aka, CJ Gunderson and Robbie Mossefin); finding an unlocked car and filling it with leaves (aka, Brilliant Ideas By Amber L. Carter); playing ding-dong-ditch with the old man who kept yelling to stop riding that ten-speed too fast; taking a neighbors' Jack-O-Lantern and adding it to the collection on your own steps (esp. if it was a really cool one. However, I would also like to go on record and state that the house of my neighbors the Kerns' was always under my protection on Corn Night...I babysat for Carrie and Josh, and Josh was one of my baby brother's favorite people, so their pumpkins were not allowed to be touched, or the perp risked a swift kick to the shins. That is, until I had to go in for curfew). It was awesome. We felt like we were on the run from the bad guys...wrongly-accused fugitives, just trying to make their way to the next safe house...bad kids from the wrong side of the tracks, sticking it to the Richy-Riches...or, regular kids who lived in a small town and never really got into any real trouble or had anything all that exciting happen to them outside of one night of potentially-criminal activity.

I'm trying to remember who might have been a part of the crews I went out with on Corn Night...I seem to remember a slumber party with Joy Wilgrubs and Britney Witzke, but I can't seem to remember who else might have been there? If you remember coming to a slumber party at my house for Corn Night, feel free to remind me in the comment section...this is probably the only time in my life when I wish I had kept more pictures from middle school...

As for Corn Night in Red Wing, the adults kept up their Corn Night crusade throughout my time in high school, and the last time I checked, it sounded like kids weren't really doing it anymore. Actually, what the person I asked said was, "I don't know of anyone who does Corn Night."

So you know what that means...

* Got some amazing Corn Night tales of your own? Gather round the Comment Section Safe Sharing Circle Fire and share 'em up!

For more amazing stories that will make you feel better about your own childhood, hit me up on Facebook and Twitter.

The Worst Book Covers on Amazon (aka, THE BEST)

Saint Sanguinus (Dark Ages Vampire Trilogy)
Spending Christmas with a Yeti

Voluspa-A Magical World

Sorcerer’s Duel (The Guardians)
Faery Merry Christmas
Traitor, Book 1 of The Turner Chronicles
The Prince of Galerir
Intensity
Tiger of Talmare
Serial Justice
Color Mage
Reach For The Moon
Gracie the Ghost Eater
Two for Eternity
DEMENT
Voidhawk – Redemption
(source)[Read more here] [Via]
And thus begins a new era of my life whereupon I spend hours upon hours trolling Amazon for more covers just like these...

(Thanks to my pal Tony for bringing this amazing awesomeness to my consciousness...and now...to yours)