Julian Rosado-Machain's Blog, page 13

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Do yourself a favor and don't stay updated on those who you realized weren't good for you. You don't need to know how they are doing.

kushandwizdom:

- Unknown

Elves and Kings

Hello! An excited M! here. 

I just received a visit and a present from someone very important and… hold on… WHAT?… I CAN’T… WHAT DO YOU MEAN “WHY?”… 

YOU AND YOUR REGULATIONS DRIVE ME NUTS!… Yes, I IKNOW, less coffe in the mornings…OKAY!

Okay… it seems that I CAN’T disclose what I received or the actual name of who gave it to me because my boss… WHO SUCKS!… believes it could be some breach of security, as if talking about Magic, the Cryptozoo and everything else wasn’t a breach of security. 

I can tell you that the person that gave it to me was a King, and an Elven King to be precise, AND I CAN SAY ELVEN KING! Because I’m supposed to talk about elves, and there’s no better time than the present.

Elves. Beautiful and handsome, intelligent and magical, and also long lived, not immortal mind you. Of course to us simple humans that expect to live 70 to 80 years, someone who is one or two thousand years old might seem immortal, but elves do die of old age eventually…I’m told.

They don’t become fragile with old age. They keep their beauty looks until they die. Which is the main reason we envied them in the past and had our conflicts with them, but we worked our differences peacefully, after all, they can pass for human, and elves had decided to send their young (say 150-200 year olds) to colleges around the world to learn about technology. 

That beauty that keeps to herself between classes? Probably an elf. The hot guy that disappears just after classes and never goes to parties…Elven too.  They might seem young, but they are ancient by our standards. Now, that doesn’t mean that elves never fall in love with humans, they do in occasion and half elven-half human offspring are possible… I actually know of one, she’s one of my bosses. Cute little thing and intelligent as a rocket scientist. 

Today the Elven kingdoms live on natural reserves and parks, there are three main ones, but I can’t say where they are… (just check for pristine forests… and tall trees… I mean Tall Trees…by the west coast.). 

It doesn’t really matter that, for instance, hypothetically, I were to tell you that the Elven Kingdom of Eidameran is say… around, (or inside) the Mendocino National Forest in Ukiah County in California because you wouldn’t find it even if you went in there, its protected by Magical spells.  You can’t see it, touch it or get into it unless you’re invited. 

Some of the forest rangers know about it, but they’ll tell you when asked:  “Nope, that’s just a story.”  

In short: Even if you where to be at it’s gates you wouldn’t see it. 

So, I DON’T SEE WHY ALL THE SECRECY!

Elves have some of the fiercest warriors too, imagine having years on end to practice combat. But thankfully, they have been our allies for thousands of years, and with any luck they’ll continue to do so for thousands more. 

So there, a little bit about elves, there’s more of course, but I already wrote five hundred words today! 

Over and out.

M.-

Structure vs. Ranting

M. Here… Again.

The powers that be-HIND me AT ALL TIMES. wanted me to stop just ranting about aimlessly and just set up a good old fashioned structure, like if I really wanted to write a blog. 

Why have t-HE-y waited to tell me this until now is basically because he says that, as a member of the Guardians, I am supposed to convey (his words not mine. I actually dislike the word convey. Sounds too snobby.) security and knowledge and blah, blah, blah.  

So, the first, number one thing I need to tell you, but you probably already know, is that when I capitalize words is because I’M SAYING THEM ALOUD TO THE CRUEL TASKMASTER BEHIND ME, or having a conversation with HIM… I’m not yelling at you, two or three people that actually read this blog.  

By the way… 

Thank you, with all my heart…

You are the reason behind me doing this EXERCISE IN FUTILITY! If there was no one reading this, I could go back to important things like pushing buttons or moving levers or checking flux changes in the fabric of space-time and reality by the influx of magical forces created by the arrival of the Oracle.

Who is this Oracle? It’s just the reason Guardians Inc. exists, he (or she…or even it) is a powerful magical creature, a Pillar of Magic. So powerful in fact that he (or she…you get the point) visits the Earth every 500 hundred years or so, and gives a guy a Playbook that will help him, and us, to guide humanity. 

I know how it sounds Okay?  It sounds like a story cooked up by a half schizophrenic guy sitting in front of a computer ranting about magical creatures and heroes, but…it’s true. 

The Oracle is like Santa Claus, Mother Theresa, a General in the Salvation Army and the Easter Bunny rolled into one.

Without his/her/its help we’d probably be hunting cows with sharpened rocks and be in the middle of the food chain instead of on top of it. That is, running after bunnies, and from lions at the same time.

We have had this playbook 10 out of 12 times the Oracle has arrived, and everything was good. Civilization rose. We started in Sumeria, then Egypt then moved to the Mediterranean and over the great blue sea, which we knew didn’t end in a waterfall. We helped most civilizations of the ancient world.

Don’t take me wrong, humans had already done great things like Stonehenge, but with the help of magic. Then magic began to fade and technology went on the rise. 

Magic is neat and powerful, but technology beats it every time.

And that’s what we do: check the balance between magic and technology and try and keep it in technology’s favor.   

And…I am going to put a cork in it right here, because too much CONVEYING can actually do more harm than good, and trying to explain the balance, the pillars, and magic in one blog would make an Exaginormous blog and there’s a notification on my… not-a-social-network page that I need to check out. 

Meanwhile, 

Cheers!

M.-

And our planet keeps on spinning!

Hello Post Apocalyptic Survivors! 

Me, myself and I are alive and well, and just opening the 3 feet-reinforced-ballistic grade steel door that covered the side of my personal hole in the ground. I have disconnected all invader countermeasures and placed back on the cryogenics fridge all the seeds I was going to use to reforest the Earth.

It seems that the Maya were wrong, right?  There was no mantle shift, ozone depletion, pole inversion, comet, asteroid, virus, tsunamis, eruptions or 350 miles per hour tornadoes. The Earth didn’t freeze over nor the moon crashed down on our heads, no sun-flare boiled down our oceans nor cosmic rays burned our genes. 

 

And, of course, there isn’t a gnarly horde of zombies in sight…they are there, somewhere. (Actually I know a couple of places where they gather and party), but they haven’t taken over the population. 

But BEWARE! The END is NEAR! I hear that the ancient Pakuku tribe, seafarers extra-ordinaire of the south seas, (the ones that hunted the Humuhumunukunukuapua’a almost to extinction) have an ancient prophesy that tells that a huge fungus like growth in the form of Garfield’s head will come out from the sea and will make a human lasagna and proceed to eat its fill on April 1st in the year 2030.

(I’m not really scared because it’s a Monday…but, what are the odds?)

REPENT AND PREPARE HUMANITY! WE JUST GOT A REPRIEVE! BUT THE NEXT ONE IS DEFINITELY WITH ALMOST ALL CERTAINTY, INDUBITABLY AS CLOSE AS WE CAN TELL, SURELY, WITH A 99 PERCENT CHANCE!!!  ——-The one.

Me?  I’ll take Myself and I for a burger and wait for it watching anime…

 

Cheers,

-M

Absolutions n' Solutions

Hello….M. again…

I was getting ready to call it a day and go for some ablutions of the high spirits persuasion, when my boss showed me a report (I hope the snitch sees this) that SOME TRAITOROUS VIPEROUS SOON TO BE TORTURED SNITCH AROUND HERE! is giving him. Yes, the report is about some blog and a guy,  and I kinda need to do a blog before leaving.

Not that I didn’t want to… It’s just that I closed down the station and I didn’t bring the summary I have to cover today….or yesterday, or the day before.

So. Uh…. Ablutions. 

The ablution I’m talking about is actually a solution of different dilutions mixed and prepared carefully by an expert ablutioneer…(yes, I made that word up) and served over ice, or strained into a high glass. Never stirred.

BUT, then again, I am of legal high spirits ablution consumption age. For all of those of NON legal ablution age, the only solutions you should be thinking about is the ones on your quizzes and test for school.

I KNOW THIS IS A PG BLOG!!! (My boss is just….sorry.) I DIDN’T SAY ALCOHOL ANYWHERE OKAY!

GUARDIANS RELATED BLOG I KNOW…..

Anyway…

Uhm…something Guardians related…. Monsters.

Monsters! Scary and sometimes hairy, they can come in any size and color. 

You can actually call anything a monster, even if its is a good creature, I mean Nessie, The Loch Ness Monster is really like a big kitty cat once it has smell you and decided that you are not edible, or rather edible, but not very savory…kinda like anchovies.

We have a place for all kinds of monsters in our home base, we call it the Cryptozoo and we have from abominable snowmen, (which are not abominable but fluffy-cuddly) to Jackalopes, which are monstrous by definition and by definition I mean DICTIONARY definition which I am not putting here. 

Don’t believe me Google: dictionary, see it, then believe me.

So we have: 

Jackalopes: jackrabbits with antelope antlers. 

Dolphans: Dolphins with the trunk of an elephant.

Elephins. Elephants with the fins of a dolphin.

Mulggers which are mules with the legs and stripes of a tiger….Nahhhh? Yeahhhh. imagine an orange zebra with claws.

Here’s one you can probably guess: Rhinottotamus.

We have all of those and even more monsters! 

Why? you may ask. What kind of crazy geneticists work in that company?

Well, we didn’t create any of them. We just catch them and put them in the Cryptozoo, the whole mix and match thing has to do with Magic.  

Its all Magic and Mother Nature, I swear.   

Magic is fickle and mother nature, (who is a little more orderly, but also created the Platypus. Pfft.) at some junctions we call in the company Flux lines and Flux Wells come together and Poof! create this assortment of Monsters which when seen by someone not-in-our-little-club cause quite a stir. So we go in and get the beastie and put it in a suitable habitat for it. 

I Would like to tell you more about HOW the Cryptozoo works but I’ll leave it for another blog because when I wrote “how” I hit 500 words, which are actually the minimum required by this penance I call a blog.

You see, it’s Friday, I am tired, and my TASKMASTER  only gives me ONE DAY OFF A WEEK!

So I’m off to my ablutions and I leave you with a…

Cheers!

579… Dang I’m good. 

Who Doesn't Like Dwarves?

(BTW, The picture was my boss’ idea, I wanted one from SnowWhite). 

Hello humanity… M. again.. 

Anyone believes colliding dinos ever formulated grandiose hecatombs? I just killed lemmings manipulating nuclear orbs. Presice questions resolve superfragilisticespiralidouceus troubles under various weatherificous…ahhh… xilo…xile… 

Dang! I just lost a dollar.

The bet was to formulate a phrase that borne any kind of coherence using words that began in alphabetical order in under two minutes. I said I could, my boss said I couldn’t, so there.

A buck for the dwarf.

Because he is a dwarf, a real dwarf. Like the one in the Lord of the Rings, foul mouthed, worse smelling, covered in dirt, mine digging dwarf. ..My boss.

I bet that in any other place talking like that about your boss would get you fired, but not here, to him and other dwarves strong body odor, dirty nails and a language that would make a drill sergeant blush, are badges of honor. 

Makes them “sexy” among their own kind, and my boss is super sexy. (Bear with me because he’s actually standing behind me… again).  

Dwarves have co-existed with humanity practically forever, but they live deep underground. Our deepest mines aren’t even halfway close to where they have their homes, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t come out and play in the sun once in a while, or, that they are dumb. 

They do have light skin and sunburn easily though.

They are actually quite intelligent, my boss controls the GI’s Command and Control Center, is an advisor to the DOD (Departmnent of Defense), chats regularly with the POTUS. (President of the United States) and solves technical issues for NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command), and that is the last acronym I’m explaining). If you want to learn the acronyms there’s Google.

He also used to work with NATO and the Warsaw Pact before the USSR disbanded.  I’m told he was INSTRUMENTAL to the defusing of the Cuba Missile crisis and he has a picture of JFK, Nikita Khruschev, Fidel Castro, and him sitting on a table sharing breakfast and a cigar.

I’ve heard about the photo, I haven’t seen it.

Anyway, the usual dwarf is around 4 feet tall and almost the same in shoulder width. That is to say that they are muscular, stocky and very strong. Honorable, tenacious, valorous, friendly, trustworthy (I’m just taking dictation now.) loyal, wise, tenacious again, intelligent…. He’s walking out reciting everything, so I’ll be fast.

Contrary to popular belief they are not greedy, or thickheaded, they are actually quite bright and generous, but they do tend to carry grudges and dislike in the extreme all kinds of practical jokes. It’s not that they don’t laugh, it’s just that their sense of humor is a little thicker than ours and their usual reaction to someone, say, scaring them in the hallway is a solid punch to the jaw- more than one practical joker has had to have his mandible re-settled after scaring a dwarf.

Let’s put it this way, kid dwarves are as strong as full grown humans and grown dwarves are maybe gorilla strength, so they play rough since a young age. 

Also, (dang he’s back) generous, strong, punctual, tenacious…again, purpose driven and etcetera.

The most important thing about dwarves, and the only one I really wanted to mention is that they are our allies, and we desperately need allies in the coming years because of the BIG THING, I told you about in the first blog.

They are beginning to come out from their cities to mingle and establish a presence in the surface world.

Keep your eyes open and you’ll begin to see them, especially at night and around places with strong beer and loud ruckus. They are a rough bunch, and motorcycle joints are a favorite among them. Long beards and large leather boots (some use mini stilts inside the boots) are almost always the telltale of a dwarf. 

Just please don’t ask any stocky muscular long bearded biker if he’s a dwarf. 

Dwarf or not you’ll probably get beaten up anyway.    

Cheers,

M-  

BTW if you think that you can do better than me in the alphabet phrase department, try it… I’d love to see your futile attempts… Just don’t cheat because it has to be under two minutes or it doesn’t count.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.- Arthur C. Clarke"

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

- Arthur C. Clarke”

Yes, Zombies!

Hello humanity… M. again.. 

This the second entry on my forced-upon-me blog. I’m still gonna bore you to death with topics pulled out from a 1500 page summary I have right here, but guess what? 

I can do it any way I want to. 

I had a chat with my boss and his  uberboss and they agreed that I, had SOLE CONTROL of what I WANT to write, HOW to write it and WHEN to write it….(My boss still stands behind me, that hasn’t changed.) I still have to write in English, so I guess that is where you lose.

So, out of the topic list I have, I have decided to jump to the very end… Sec. 7- Hybrid Creatures Subsection 33- Magic imbued parasites…drum roll….

ZOMBIES!

The living dead, the undead or the magically or substance controlled, zombies are practically plants with legs. And I say practically because they do two things that plants do, they eat and they smell. Nasty, but they smell.

I can’t probably add too much to the Zombie image because they are a hot topic today, we see them in movies, TV and books, eating brains and other assorted viscera to their undead content.

Most of what we see today is true. You get bitten and not eaten; you turn into a zombie yourself, there is no cure for the zombification. The prospect of a zombie plague is a real and present danger. 

Then again it has been for thousands of years, and there have been outbreaks across the ages. From the steppes of Russia to the jungles of Brazil, entire populations have been Zombified and had to be put down. Almost half of the lost cities of the old world were abandoned because of Zombie plagues.

Examples: Teotihuacan in Mexico. Once a city of 250,000 people had a zombie outbreak and boom… gone forever. 

Paititi in Brazil…same thing.

Niya in China

Aoudaghost in Africa

Akrotiri in Greece

And so on and so forth…

Oh yea, the one that strikes closer to home would be the Roanoake’s Lost Colony. You know, the one were the people that arrived to check on the colony found only the word CROATOAN in a tree? That one…. Zombie Outbreak in 1588. 

Had to be put down. 

By whom? 

By us. 

And, by the way CROATOAN does not mean Zombie.  

We put down the zombie plague in Carthage too in 146 with our then Roman Legions, destroyed the city and covered it with salt so nothing would grow back, and also to dry out whatever decided to rise from the ground. 

A dry zombie becomes a mummy and mummies are harmless. 

Why? Because they’re really fragile.

If you see a pattern, you’ll see that Zombie outbreaks are dangerous in cities and centers of population, were one zombie can bite many people and spread the disease very quickly. 

Of course that was before the “Zombie Awareness Campaign” instituted by a certain Mr. Romero. An aware population is a safe population, and now everyone knows about zombies. 

A zombie outbreak of apocalyptic proportions is probably never going to happen.

Why?

I ask you, who sits on the other side of the screen: 

You see a guy, or girl, dripping blood, shambling their feet as they walk towards you, moaning and wheezing, with white eyes (if any) and bony fingers, trailing a cloud of flies behind and trying to get a bite out of you.

What is it?

 A zombie.

What do you do?

Run, or if you prefer and have the valor to exercise a civic duty, hit it on the head…Hard.

A bullet is even better. If you see brains coming out from anywhere the zombie is down.

Multiply that knowledge by the population that have seen or read any zombie book or movie and add that zombies are slow. Very, very, slow and the crisis will be averted almost as soon as it begins.

By experience we know that a good gunslinger with two revolvers and enough bullets can singlehandedly put down the whole infected population of a small town without getting bit himself. It happened in the late 1800 in the U.S. but I’m not going to say where. 

I don’t want anyone getting near that ghost town.

Did I tell you that we have a ghost right here in our Zoo? Ghosts are very reclusive and angered easily, but that is for another blog.

Cheers,

M-  

M's Blog

Hello humanity… Call me M (hence the “M’s” logo)

 So… This is my first blog, and I want to apologize for two things right off the bat, the first is that if it sounds as if I don’t want to write this blog, its because I really don’t. 

It’s been forced upon me by my boss, who in turn was ordered by his boss, to find someone who would write a blog.

He’s actually standing over my shoulder as I write this, and he’ll leave as soon as I press the publish button. I hope…

The second thing I want to apologize for…

Is all those errors in grammar that you’ll find in this forced-upon-me blog.  If you feel the need you can tell me how bad I am or even send me corrections.

Not that I would really change the whole thing and re-publish it, but it might make you feel better to know that you corrected someone that was “wrong on the Internet”.

English is not my first language… But it’s becoming the lingua franca of the world -the common language. Everyone and their parrot has to learn it in order to communicate with one another. That’s why I HAVE TO write all of this in English.

English is actually a good subject for my first blog, because English and its acceptance and expansion around the world is one of our greatest triumphs. 

Our company decided that Latin was too difficult to be used as a common language so we began replacing it with English around the 9th century. In the 16th century we had a tossup between Spanish and English to see which one we would fully support, and English won. We arranged for the Spanish Armada to be destroyed in 1588 and helped Elizabeth I of Britain achieve supremacy and all that jazz…

For gods sakes! My boss is just a nag bag!  Hold on… 

If you keep bugging me this blog is going to be waaaaay longer and boring….

I can write whatever I want, remember? Even our conversations… I CAN EVEN PUT WHAT I TELL YOU IN CAPITAL LETTERS OR BOLD.

IT’S MY BLOG!!!!!! YOU GO WRITE YOUR OWN “HISTORICALY ACCURATE” BLOG IF YOU WANT! 

THEY CAN GO TO WIKIPEDIA!!!!

YES, I KNOW I MISSPELLED HISTORICALLY.

WHATEVER….. NO…. YOU GO….

………..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………

I THINK…. I mean, I think he got it because he left…

Anyway, and before he comes back, here’s the low down. He gave me about a zillion pages on how to disclose all of this, but I don’t want to read it… and much less write it down so here’s the micro-mini-summary of what I need to talk about: 

We belong to an organization that has operated for little longer than seven thousand years.  

There is a balance between magic and technology that we try to keep, well… balanced.

We are filthy rich… and by we, I mean our organization…

With that money we have created empires and also made them crumble, we founded Rome, we took down Napoleon etcetera…

We value secrecy above everything else, we have remained secret for most of those seven thousand years although all government leaders know about us and even work with us. Most of those “Conspiracy Theories” you’ve heard, refer to us in some way. 

—-IMPORTANT—-

All those things from dragons to fairies and even jackalopes are real. Almost all of those critters are real and beyond those there are a LOT that no human outside our organization has seen. I’ll disclose some of them in other blogs.

If you’re still reading and you’re a girl or a romantic Goth type I would like to add the following so I don’t have to talk about it again.

Yeah, vampires are real too. 

Yeah I’ve met some.

No, they don’t ‘glow’.  

Yeah, they suck blood. 

No they are not “incredibly-tragically-romantic”. Not all of them at least. 

No, I can’t get you in touch with any of them…It’s against the rules.

No, I am NOT a vampire… Sorry.   

So, you might ask yourself -as I did when I was ordered to begin this blog- WHY is this guy coming clean with all this? Isn’t publicizing what they do against everything his organization has stand for, since its creation? Isn’t it stupid or even dangerous to disclose all this?

The answer is simple:

Yes, yes and yes…

The thing is that something is coming… SOMETHING BIG. The balance I talked about is shifting and technology might fail… soon. Those things like volcanoes, forest fires, dead fish that the T.V. talks about all the time? Yep… Those things are just the beginning.

The situation is becoming untenable and humanity might enter in conflict with those creatures we all thought were myth and fantasy, so the uberboss has decided to begin disseminating this knowledge to try and minimize the shock.

The most important questions I had (before I “took” the job) were these:

Why a blog instead of a Spielberg movie? Because a blog is very gradual process… and people that read are actually more open minded than those that just go to the movies. (HIS WORDS NOT MINE).

And: Why me?  Because you work on the Command and Control Center of the organization. You see almost everything, have access to almost anything and you have been goofing off for about two hours everyday. 

I really had no argument for the second answer, so here I am, blogging.

I’m stuck with this blog… and those that read it are stuck with me.

More to follow….

_M