Lisi Harrison's Blog, page 17

You Never Forget Your First.

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Hello, my ah-dorable friends. Can you sense the spring in my font? It’s because I am drinking a delish Chai Latte,  I just had a great meeting with Alisha, and I am excited about all of the things we have planned for you. Prepare for  some big announcements next Wednesday. This week, however, I have to make good on last week’s promise.

As many of you know I have been working on two new series’ lately: The Phoenix Five and The Dirty Book Club. And it’s been more painful than childbirth. Hopefully you can NOT relate to that but have seen enough movies to know that it brings out the beast in a woman. Well, so does finding that perfect first sentence.

Why? In the same way that eyes are the window to the soul, that first sentence is a window to the next 200-ish pages. So when writing my firsts I try to make sure they do the following:

1) Make the reader curious.

2) Introduce the setting.

3) Give a sense of tone/voice.

4) Give a sense of who the main character might be.

5) MAKE YOU WANT TO READ MORE.

It’s a lot to jam into a few words. But those of you who Tweet already know that.

Here are some of my firsts. Do you think they meet the criteria?

THE CLIQUE:

“Massie, wipe that confused look off your face,” Massie’s mom Kendra said, “It’s really very simple–you’re not going.”

THE ALPHAS:

There were five Skye Hamiltons in the Body Alive Dance Studio.

MONSTER HIGH:

The fourteen-hour drive from Beverly Hills, California, to Salem, Oregon, had been total Gitmo.

THE PHOENIX FIVE (Draft One)

Nickel-colored storm clouds skulked above Noble High like timid freshmen.

THE DIRTY BOOK CLUB (Prologue–Draft One)

Today’s call came even earlier.

QUIZ

Here are some of my other firsts. Name the book.

1. Alicia Rivera usually thought sweating was a sign of weakness.

2. The amber-infused air snapped with anxiety.

3 “I love getting stoned,” Massie sighed…

4. Rate me.

5. Frankie triple-checked the date on her iPhone to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating.

Looking back on these now I feel like they could be better. But I guess that’s true of all first’s.

Hana- welcome back to the comments section.

TTYW,

Lisi

Retro Proactive

Last week I was freaking out about The Dirty Book Club. I toiled for days trying to find the ultimate way to start the novel. Actually, the prologue. Which will be a small chapter before the story begins to gives some background information. In this case, it is the scene that shows how the secret book club was formed, who started it, and why.  It is set in California, June 1962. Then it jumps to present day New York City.

I shouldn’t be surprised that the first paragraph took 5 days to write. I was never a 23 year old housewife in a beach town. I wasn’t even born in 1962. So I stopped down and immersed myself in that world. Thank Gawd for the www because I was able to research architecture, interior design, fashion, articles, interviews, etc. The more I learned about that time period the more I was able to put myself in the mindset of a girl who was shown a racy novel for the first time in her life. But nothing helped me more than this:

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I ordered this magazine from a vintage website. It cost 35 cents on the stand in 1962. I paid $49.00 for it plus $15 to have it overnight-ed. But it was worth it. Look at how they ate back then:

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A far cry from Jamba Juice and Sushi.

This piece of fiction really helped me understand what women were up against.

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It’s about this cool tween named Liz who loves to sail boats and fix cars. Her parents are not pleased with her masculine hobbies and would much rather she look pretty and date boys. So they force her to get a makeover. Instead of Liz shaving her head bald and piercing her privates in protest (that’s what I would have done) she goes along with it. She is reluctant at first but when she sees how beautiful she looks she decides they were right. She’s much rather look hot and go to dances than have hobbies or interests. I mean, could you imagine?

The more I researched the more my characters came to life. Some even started speaking to me.  Granted they were whispers but it’s only the beginning. We have the next three months to go deep.

Was it a bout of writer’s block? You betcha. Why? Because writer’s block isn’t a mental condition. It’s a sign from the story Gawds that you have no clue what you’re talking about. Either you don’t know your characters well enough or you’re not sure what to do with them. Figure those things out and your sentences will flow like Liz’s girly new blowout.

Go get inspired.

TTYW

Lisi

P.S. I know I promised to post my first sentence this week but I’ve decided to let it simmer like Macaroni and Ham Bake so I can really make a meal out of it.  I will serve it up big time next Wednesday.

On the menu:

Tips on first sentences and opening paragraphs garnished with examples from The Clique, Monster High, Alphas, Dirty Book Club and The Phoenix Five. Topped off with a pinky swear.

The Blinking Curser

Sh!#!Mother F^#%@#! C&%(  *$#*er!

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See? I told you! I can’t stop cursing. And I’m blinking because I have been staring at the other blinking cursor since Monday. What I used to think of as my computer’s peppy pulse is now a flashing second hand, counting down the minutes before next deadline. IN NOVEMBER!  And I have nothing. Nuh-thing! And it’s pi$$!#g me off!

I have been agonizing over the first sentence of my new book, The Dirty Book Club, for three days. I was supposed to be on chapter three by now. Visions of me working over Thanksgiving are starting to haunt me. I don’t want to go through this again. I want a life! This will be my 31st book. I am a professional. Why can’t I come up with a sentence?????

UGGHHHHHHHHHH!

I am literally going to get up now. Walk around the block and try to get some perspective. Stand by…

[SEVENTEEN MINUTES LATER]

While I didn’t come up with the elusive first sentence, I did return with some insight, and look, my color is back.

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TEN THINGS I REALIZED ON MY WALKABOUT:

1. It’s hot out there.

2. Frozen yogurt is very popular this time of year.

3. This summer’s trendiest hairstyle for girls is the J-Lo high bun. For boys it’s salty and wet.

4. No one wears shoes in Laguna Beach.

5. Or much clothing at all.

6. I am so stressed about making my first adult book perfect I am not having any fun with it.

7. I will spend the rest of the afternoon thinking about why I wanted to write this book in the first place. I will make it fun again.

8. I will break the cycle of frustration and write someplace new tomorrow. Change is very inspiring for me.

8. I will rip up my schedule and allow myself time to write this first sentence. As long as I need. Take that you blinking b%$#@. Once I get into the groove my writing will speed up. It always does. Then I’ll go back to the schedule.

9. I need to treat this book like a new relationship and start slow.

10. If I have the first sentence by next week I will post it. If I don’t I will keep walking until I get there.

Writing, like so many things we do, is a process. Even the word process is part “pro” and part “cess”. Funny how I feel like both right now. Come to think of it I always do. And yet, here I am again. But in color. Where I am choosing to stay.

TTYW,

Lisi

Back and Redder Than Ever

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You know it’s a good vacation when you leave in black and white and return in color. I mean look at those tan lines. And when do I ever wear red???

Yes, Fire Island, NY was a great time and a MUCH needed break.  People made fun of me for leaving the Pacific Ocean and flying to the Atlantic but they mock what they don’t understand. I was carefree and barefoot for 19 days. My feet are so calloused I take off my socks and it sounds like I’m wearing tap shoes. If you know a Riverdance scout send them my way.

Thank you Alisha for blah-gging while I was gone. She wrote two ah-mazing posts; one on her (very attractive and talented) clique and one on Kristen Stewart’s canoodle. Unfortunately she couldn’t post them here (password issues) so she posted them on my Facebook page TheLisiHarrison. I hope you got to read them because they were both genius. If not head there as soon as you finish this…

So there I was at a friend’s house on Fire Island. She was having a cocktail party. In other words, she dumped a bag of Pop Chips into a bowl, ordered a pizza, and told us to help ourselves to whatever we wanted from the fridge. No one thought a thing of it. You see all of the guests were from Manhattan. They, like me before I moved to California, aren’t used to inviting people over for dinner parties or brunches or…anything. They (like me B.C.) live in small apartments. Even my friend who worked for Martha Stewart for 5 years can’t cook.  That’s part of being a New Yorker. When you live in NYC you hire people to do everything for you because you don’t have the space to do it yourself.

Cabs drivers drive you. Restaurants feed you. Delivery guys deliver in 15 minutes–30 if there’s a blinding snowstorm. Laundromats wash and fold your clothes. Dog walkers move your pets. Doormen open your doors. Trash chutes funnel your garbage into the basement of your building and you never have to see it again (unless there’s a strike).

The point is people in NYC are conditioned to rely on others to keep their lives moving.  I was one of those people for 15 years. Before that my parents took care of me. My job was to write and stay out of jail. That was it. That was my contribution to society. For everything else, there was Master Card.

Then, in 2007, I moved to California.  I had never felt more useless in my life. People here cook. They drive cars. They even parallel park them. They take out their own trash. They decorate their houses for the holidays which means they have ladders and tools and tape. AND NO ONE DELIVERS!!!!!!!!

I’m telling you I was a mess. It took years before I was able to stop apologizing to people who came to my house expecting a meal. Years before friends would let me drive. Years before I figured out where to buy a ladder. And it will be a few years more before I actually buy one. But to my old NYC friends, I have truly blossomed.

When they came to our Fire Island house we grilled salmon and steak. Fine, Kevy my life-crush grilled but I made salad and appetizers and I had the drinks all set up and ready to go. None of that “help-yourself” business. If Fire Island allowed cars I would have been the driver. I even swam in the ocean when the waves were big. Granted, I used to be the queen of fashion and now, according to them, I am the court jester. I have traded heels for Havianas. And they can’t seem to let that one go.

I have changed over the last five years and going back East made that clear.  Writing and staying out of jail are still my best skills. But I have grown and adapted. I never thought I’d know more about the road than the runway and yet, I do. And that’s what keeps life exciting. Stepping out of your comfort zone, being really bad at something, and then realizing that you’re not as bad as you used to be.

For those of you leaving for college, switching schools, or entering a new grade do it with your eyes wide open. Dabble, experiment, be afraid, and embrace failure. Laugh at your mistakes and celebrate your successes. Just don’t forget who you are. That’s the one thing you can’t lose sight of. The rest of life is like hair–the more you cut into it the faster it grows. So have at it.

TTYW,

Lisi

PHOENIX RISING!!!

I finished draft one of The Phoenix five late last night.

[image error] There is a shot of my 235 page manuscript.

When I came up with the idea to write an entire novel of journal entries by the most popular freshman I thought it would be easy. It would be just like talking. Free-flowing and fun.

WRONG!

It was by far the most challenging novel I have written to date and I have written 30. I had to switch voices and personalities constantly, I had to make characters’ stories intersect.  I felt like I was running air traffic control at O’Hare during Thanksgiving. It was madness in my brain. Two weeks ago I literally walked around with a fresh set of tears in my eye at all times. I felt like I was going insane. There were voices in my head. The voices outside my head (real people) were impossible to talk to. They seemed blurry and surreal. I wanted to be left alone so I could write. But when everyone left me alone I felt lonely. I wanted to hang out with people. When I did all I could think about was getting back to my book. During this time of madness I had a revelation.

I have always heard people say “A writers life is a lonely life.” I never agreed. Sure I spend the day alone but I have a great family, fantastic friends, and I know everyone in every store within a five block radius. And then after my week of tears I got it. At least I understood how it relates to me. It’s a lonely life because there are times when it’s almost impossible to relate to people. Real ones. For all the reasons I mentioned above and probably several more. You are existing in a fictional world and then expected to jump right out and thrive in a real one. It’s an unrealistic expectation.

You don’t have to be a writer working on a deadline to experience this kind of loneliness. My guess is that it occurs any time you are going through something that most people around you are not.

Death of a loved one, finals, competitive sports, high pressured job, social drama, a devastating break up…whatever. If it’s consuming you in an extreme way and keeping your thoughts separate from those around you, loneliness is inevitable. This is what I’ve learned. But look…JJ just stopped by.

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She is reading the manuscript. We are going to the beach now. I am on the other side. That’s life. And I can’t wait to start living it again. If you’re in the lonely zone hang on…your phoenix is going to rise too. Pinky swear.

I’ll be back August 2nd. Alisha will be blogging until then.

LOVE YOU!!!

Lisi

Behind The Screens with Alisha

Hey everyone,

It’s Alisha–Lisi’s editorial assistant.

Happy Independence Day! Well, almost everyone. Lisi’s chained to her office chair toiling away in efforts to meet her Phoenix Five deadline that’s coming up right around the bend. She wanted to hang out here with all of you on the blah-g today in the name of freedom, but seeing as she has little of that right now, it seemed this might be just the opportune time for me to pay you lovelies another visit. Believe me when I tell you she is busting her behind writing an incredible story you are all going to be blown away by.

How do I know?

I’ve been lucky enough to receive these pages hot off Lisi’s fingertips. It’s been rather exciting to watch the book develop and I just can’t keep it all in, so I’m going to share allllllllll a tiny bit of what’s in store for you with Phoenix Five. I wish I could share it all but Erin her editor hasn’t read a single thing yet and she would freak if you knew the details before she did.

First off, the main characters are three girls, two guys. Freshmen at Noble High in Noble, NJ. All of them are popular and completely in control of their high school lives.

Or are they?

The entire book is made up of their journal entries. Entries they don’t think anyone will ever read.

The next thing I can tell you is that I like ALL of the characters. What are the odds of that? Five main characters and I like all of them. I swear I’m a discerning reader. The deeper I get with each character, the more I see parts of myself in them. I feel like they are real people. (Maybe they are.) I care about their fates, the choices they’re making and the struggles they experience. So, yes, I am rooting for the main characters, and you’re going to, too. Maybe not at first, but as soon as you get into their stories, which give you access to their personal experiences and faulty perceptions, you quickly learn that outward appearances are not always as they seem. Correction: they’re not ever as they seem.

I think of Phoenix Five as a quilt of a book with several stories interwoven and overlapping one another, somehow with all of it making sense. It’s sort of linear, sort of not, and it’s all reminiscent of exactly how life seems to unfold. But, it can get ridiculously confusing remembering which small details go where, what this character ate on this day and why So-And-So’s favorite color is grape and not plum. Hence the necessity of the project currently assigned to me.

ENTER: THE BIBLE

No, not that Bible. For liability reasons, I’m probably not allowed to talk about that here. The Bible at hand is the one I’m building for Lisi to help her keep track of all the minutiae that make up Phoenix Five. Thusly, it’s been a secret, but I’m going to let you in on it, and any aspiring writers out there might want to take note. It’s an incredibly useful tool that takes quite a bit of time and attention to develop, but there’s an excellent return rate, here.

First, I’ll explain what the Bible basically is. It’s an ever-growing document built over time as the story develops. The bigger the story gets, the bigger the Bible gets. Each character has her/his own tab filled with headings like “Physical Description,” “Personal Style,” “Psychological Profile,” “Hobbies,” “Friends,” “Family Members,” “Teachers,” “Classes,” and anything that is specific to that character. It could be that a character has very unique quirks or superstitions. Or maybe that one person’s dad drives a certain type of car while another person’s mom has rented a car since her mini van’s been in the shop. Maybe a character loves a specific bread or takes three sugars in her latte, or maybe a character wears something special on a day she needs to feel confident. What was that special thing she wore again?? It would take way too long to flip through the pages and search out those tiny details line by line, so all of that gets included in the P5 Bible and is recorded in a place that makes sense so it is easily accessible for later recall. There are so many small details that make up who these characters are, how their worlds unfold, and where their lives intersect. How in the world can any one person keep track of that throughout an entire book?! Let alone a book that tells multiple stories from several perspectives.

It’s unbelievable to me each time I get a new installation of pages from Lisi how she is able to entirely switch gears and get in the heads of these characters one right after the other. When you read the book you’ll see what I’m talking about. My brain can hardly wrap itself around all of the twists and turns and seemingly minute specifics, so I’m telling Lisi that all the time, as it’s truly impressive what she turns into me every day.

I might be able to tell you about our RBNs (Random Bible Notes). Lisi emails these to me as often as they come up while she’s writing. They can be anything – literally anything. I might get a note from her telling me that one character has two sisters, their names or what sports they like to play. Or maybe she’ll email me with a description that is important to include, or the name of an auditorium, a teacher, a pet dog… I also go through and extract these bits of notable information myself. The longer I’ve been working with the Bible, the more I realize that essentially ALL of the information presented can have a home somewhere in there.

Then I’ll receive more pages from Lisi. I’ll notice that some notes I added are used in something new she’s written. (Yay! That means I’m doing it right!) At this point, there are eleven evolving tabs and countless headings and subheadings and sub-subheadings to note, and it keeps on growing. The thing is a BEAST, I tell you! And Lisi warned me of this, but I suppose I had to see it for myself.

So there’s that. The infamous P5 Bible. But before I go and get my Fourth of July on I want to leave you with a little bit more on Phoenix Five.

One of the most important concepts I think you will explore in the book is the idea of connectivity, of humanity and how we all truly want the same things: to be accepted. Not just to be accepted, but to be liked, to find our place, to belong. And there’s the idea of identity, which lends to finding that place we think best suits us. We are all searching, even in high school, or, perhaps, especially in high school. And this book reminds me of the connecting thread that runs from person to person and makes this whole big living thing work.

For example, Lisi and I are connected at the “hip” via email. If anybody saw how often I check my phone’s or laptop’s email account, they might think I’m some crazy Facebook-obsessed notification freak. They might be partly right, but mostly I’m just checking for new RBNs I could be adding to the mix to keep this Bible a’thumping. I mean growing and going.

And one last thing. Below you’ll find an actual RBN Lisi emailed to me so you can get a clear picture as to what I was rambling about above:

Sheridan gets the Five Fruit Frenzy at Jamba Juice.

(our jobs are weird) ”

Yep. Our jobs really are weird, and who could ask for anything more?

Enjoy the 4th, everyone! Hopefully I’ll be back here soon!

xoxo Alisha

Taxting Nostalgic

So I was texting my New York girls (Deezer, Roo, and Nuella–yes all nicknames I have given them over the 15+ years we’ve been tight).  I will be there in three weeks for my annual visit and we are getting pumped. Somewhere toward the top of our chain Deezer said, “I’m so depressed about Nora.”  We had been just been texting about bikini waxes so I assumed she changed the name of her First Lady to Nora. I also assumed that since it was making her “so depressed” she hadn’t tended to it since last summer. I insisted she take care of business before my arrival as we’d be spending two weeks at the beach.

Turns out the Nora she was referring to was Nora Ephron. The brilliant and hilarious screenwriter, author, director who passed away yesterday at age 71. I had no idea. They went off on me. “How could you not know this? If you still lived in NYC I would have known. Jeez Lisi, you have to get out of that bubble and move back to the real world.”

The truth is I’ve been working so hard on Phoenix Five I could have been by Nora’s bedside and I still wouldn’t have known. But they were right. Surf is up and the sun is out in Laguna. No one here is talking about Nora. Not that I’ve heard, anyway. So I’m going to.

Nora (I don’t think she’d want me calling her Mrs. Ephron. She didn’t seem the type) was THE woman I looked up to as a writer. Not because she was prolific, or because she was nominated for 3 Oscars, or because she wrote several blockbuster movies. Sure, her credentials were admirable but they didn’t inspire me. Nora inspired me because she was my kind of gal. If she were alive today and we were friends and she gave me her cell phone number and she had a few minutes of downtime she would have been taxting (texting about waxing) too.

I mean, look at what she said in a commencement speech.

“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady,” Ephron told Wellesley’s Class of 1996. “I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.”

(I’m working on it Nora!)

Nora had all of the qualities I admire in a woman/writer/friend. She was serious about her work but not herself. She encouraged me to laugh at the absurdity of life, dating, and aging. She motivated me to look for the quirks in people instead of the flaws. And then to embrace the quirks instead of trying to erase them. To call it like I see it. To be honest. To have heart. Her work helped me define the kind of woman/writer/friend I wanted to become. I work on it every day. Some are better than others. Some really suck. But they all make me laugh. And that’s the point.

Thank you for everything Nora!

You are deeply missed.

TTYW

Lisi

WEED WHACKING

Happy first day of summer northern hemisphere!! Sorry about the winter southern hemisphere.

It is sunny and hot in Laguna Beach today. Semi-nude girls and super-hot surfers have come out of hibernation. Below my window I hear flip-flop slaps and skateboard wheels grinding against the asphalt. In my office I hear the non-stop clacking of my keyboard and the crack-crack-crack of my neck.

Kevy said the neck thing is my fault because my purse is too heavy.

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I say it’s the planet’s fault because Earth is tilting today (Google: Summer Solstice) and that tilt is making my bag feel heavier than it is.

He said there’s no way I need half the stuff that’s in there.

I insist that I do.

And then my neck cracks some more and I have to wonder.

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1) What do I have in my bag?

2) Where do the semi-nude girls keep their smoothie money?

I am unable to investigate #2 without risking arrest. But #1 is easy.

I dumped it all out.

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1. 3 pair of glasses (reading, tinted for computer, sunglasses.)

2. Flip flops

3. Notebook in case I have any brilliant ideas.

4. Four pens in case I have so many brilliant ideas I run out of ink four times.

5. Almonds aplenty. Enough to feed the entire US Olympic team. Coaches too.

6. Headphones.

7. Phone.

8. Car keys. House Keys.

9. Office keys with a separate wallet that holds the cards that don’t fit in my main wallet.

10. Main wallet.

11. 4 lip quenchers. (2 balm, 2 gloss)

12. Cuticle cream because I pick.

13. 3 nail polishes should I ever have  time to go to a nail salon and said nail salon does not offer polish.

14. Soggy Trader Joe’s seaweed.

15. Rescue Remedy Spray – a holistic spray that’s supposed to calm you down. (Doesn’t work!)

16. Pill case filled with various kinds of aspirin.

17. 3 packs of gum.

18. Make up case. (FYI I have never reapplied my makeup during the day. NEVER!)

19. Hand cream.

20. Two hard shell glasses cases.

Hmmmm. Maybe Kevy had a point. Could my excessive load (along with the earth’s tilt, of course) have something to do with my neck cracks? There was only one way to find out.

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TOSS THE SEAWEED

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Ahhhh. Much Better.

Happy Summer!!!

TTYW,

Lisi

FRIENDS WITH BENEFIGHTS*

Heyyy,

Last Wednesday I offered relationship advice to girls who like boys. Because liking boys is hard, exhausting work. Work we wish we could quit but can’t, no matter how many times we blast, Part Of Me by Katy Perry.

My rant concluded by saying the most important thing we can do in relationships with boys is cherish our girlfriends. And we should. But let’s be honest, the relationships we have with our girlfriends can be just as heartbreaking. (Any songs about those?) Competition, jealousy, insecurity, and hormones sometimes (okay, a lot of times) get in the way of what could be a very supportive and positive friendship.

But they don’t have to.

Allow me, once again, to crop dust you with my wisdom. Follow my advice and you will never be cast on a reality show about best friends who want to stab each other. Ignore my advice and prepare to bleed.

[image error]LISI’S TOP FIVE WAYS TO AVOID A BESTIE BREAKUP.

1) Talk Don’t Text.

Last month I got into two big-time fights with one very close friend.  We are both very honest, straight-forward chicks. We have never fought before. We adore each other. So why?

TEXT!

I am OBSESSED with texting. It is my favorite way to communicate, second only to mental telepathy. I can’t stand talking on the phone. But I have learned from my recent tiffs with, let’s call her iPhriend , that it’s very easy to misunderstand someone’s tone and/or intentions over text.

Fight one: iPhriend thought I violated her trust. I did not and was hurt she suspected me of that. She did not respond. I thought she was giving me the silent treatment (turns out her daughter was sick and I had no idea). So I started to give her the silent treatment. We share a trainer on Mondays. At this point I was so mad at her for being mad at me for no reason I refused to talk to her during our session. This was highly AWKWARD freaked iPhriend out. It got worse from there.

After a week of missing her and having psychotic dreams I asked if we could meet.  We had it out and then cracked up that we had a whole fight about nothing. Had we only talked none of this would have happened. We vowed never to deal with delicate subjects over text again.

Fight two: Three weeks later my grandmother died. I was in Toronto for the funeral and texting iPhriend. There are a lot of details here and I don’t want to bore you but let’s just say I was sensitive because I was under a lot of stress and I took one of her texts the wrong way. It was my fault completely. Instead of picking up the phone (roaming charges!) I kept texting.   I wrote the word “okay” a lot. I meant it in the truest form of the word. No sarcasm or anything. Turns out she hates when people say, “Okay” to her because she thinks it’s condescending. She told me that once and assumed I was writing it on purpose. I was not. Once again–silent treatment.

And people always wonder how I can write for teens. HA! Don’t you see? It never changes. So please, I beg you, if you have anything important to discuss, discuss it. Texting should be used for exchanging information, not feelings.

2) Play, don’t work.

Need a partner for the science fair? Want to start an online business? How about a babysitting service? Go for it. But do not, DO NOT, do it with a close friend. The way people work is different from the way they play. And if you are the kind of gal who takes her work seriously (like me) you do not want to be disappointed by your friend. It will be very hard to gain respect for her once you discover she’s lazy, unmotivated, easily distracted…

Team up with someone who has the same work ethic and vision as you and save the friends for celebrating your inevitable success.

3) Give Don’t Lend.

Your friend needs money. You lend it to her. She promises to pay you back. She doesn’t. She can’t. She forgets and you feel awkward asking. You ask and she still forgets. She buys a $6.00 latte. You think that’s my six dollars. She buys a bracelet. You think that’s my bracelet. She keeps spending and you get bitter because every penny she gives to someone else feels like a smack in the face.

I know because I lost my best friend in college for this exact reason.

We had just graduated and moved to NYC. We were both broke and starting out. Living tiny paycheck to tiny paycheck. I lent her $800 to pay her rent. She was desperate. That was all the money I had. Most of it I inherited from my grandfather. She never paid me back but continued to shop and spend. I couldn’t help take this as a show of disrespect. Eventually I couldn’t be around her without feeling resentment.  This is a girl I thought I’d grow old with. Instead, we haven’t spoken since the 90s.

If your friend needs money and you can afford it, GIVE her the money and don’t ever expect it back. Better yet, help her find a way to earn it herself. That kind of support is priceless.

4) Make Like Angie and Listen to the Pitt

If hanging around a friend gives you a pit in your stomach LEAVE. That’s your body telling your brain to stop being so lazy and to take action. So what if she’s the most fabulous popular thing ever. She’s bad for you and she’s making you act moody and mean to your family. If your whole school is filled with pit’s join an outside club or organization and friend those girls. School feels like your life right now but it will be over before you know it. So think long term. And listen to the pit.

5) Stop Going Green.

Jealousy is the biggest friendship destroyer. HUGEST!

She’s smarter than me. Prettier Thinner. Funnier. More popular. She made a new friend at summer camp and likes her more. She wants to be with her boyfriend more than me. Ever since she won that medal, scholarship, spelling bee, talent show, she’s been so full of herself. Now that she’s the lead in the play she has no time for me. I have to go away with my family for the summer. When I get beck everyone will have moved on. I won’t understand their inside jokes…I could go on, ladies.

I am not going to tell you to stop feeling these things. For one thing, that’s impossible. There is always someone more seemingly fabulous bopping around. If you’re driven it can be motivating but often times it just sucks. Not to mention what seeps in subliminally.  Our entire culture is designed to make us feel insecure. That’s how cosmetic companies make all their money. The worse we feel the more we buy. So if you feel green I get it. It’s normal. JUST DON’T SHOW IT.

Jealously is the most unattractive quality in a human being. So fake it. Yup, that’s what I said. FAKE IT. Here’s how.

Sure, I’d love to meet your best friend from camp. I’ll host a sleepover.

OMG you got the lead in Annie and I’m playing Sandy the dog? Let’s go celebrate. You wear an orange afro wig and I’ll pee in the park. It’ll be hilarious.

I can’t believe my parents are making me go to Maine for the summer and you get to stay here with everyone. I know! Let’s do this thing where every day at 2pm and 8pm (because 2 is my favorite number and 8 is yours) we send a pic to each other of what we’re looking at in that exact moment. Or let’s do a video scavenger hunt. I’ll give you a list of things to photograph and you give me one…

I can’t believe Ian likes you.  I’ve been obsessed with him for years. Oh well, let’s have a handing off the love torch ceremony.  If he likes you, there’s nothing I can do about it. Just promise me you’ll meet his friends and keep me in mind…

All of those things are super hard to say and do while green jealousy goo is sloshing around inside your stomach. But it’s better than being known as the jealous girl who’s all bitter and pissy and wet blanket-y.

So buy yourself an ah-dorable GREEN journal and write all of your real feelings inside. Go for it. Be as petty and pathetic as you can. Then go out and fake it again. I have about 45 journals and a ton of annoyingly successful/attractive/talented friends that prove this works.

TTYW,

Lisi

* My backup title for this blah-g was Take the “End” Out of Friend. Any preference?

HERE COMES THE GUIDE: Advice for girls who like boys.

Thank you Noemi and friends for alerting me to the news of Miley and Liam’s engagement. I’m sure they are very excited and rightfully so. Marriage can be a great thing. I have been hitched to Kevy, my life-crush, for ten years. And it’s been ah-mazing. But it has also been SUPER AH-NNOYING!!!!!!!

I don’t mean to rain on their wedding parade (although I hear that’s good luck). But boys can be very frustrating. They don’t talk a lot. They have no idea what they’re thinking. (I mean how can you not know???) They don’t sit still during romantic movies. They rarely ask about us. When they do ask they get bored after, like, two words. And they hook up with shallow girls who aren’t down-to-earth like we are.

Yes, I’m being general. But I’m also not. Boys and girls aren’t wired the same. And I’m not just talking about downtown. It’s a brain thing.  It’s a hormone thing. It’s a real thing.

Testosterone, the male hormone, is a sex and aggression hormone. A teenaged boy gets between 5-7 surges of these hormones every day. This makes him feel horny and aggressive.  Ah-LOT. This is why he likes violent destructive movies. This is why he loves playing with balls (read between the lines).

The female hormones are progesterone (the bonding hormone) and estrogen (PMS insanity).

If we were machines we’d be marketed as two different models. The male model – built to hunt and impregnate. The female  model- built to have babies and bond with them. These are the facts. They are also the reasons why it takes hours to agree on a Netflix movie.

Most fights in relationships come from our refusal to accept these differences. Instead we expect them to think like us. And they expect us to think like them.  For example:

Lisi: You’re not even listening! Why don’t you understand how I feel? Stop changing the channel, I’m going to have a seizure! Don’t you want to buy me flowers, just because? How is it possible to think about “nothing”. You have to be thinking about something. I could go on…

Kevy: Stop asking me what’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong. Just say it, why do you have to give me the whole set up? Why do you need me to get you flowers? You know I love you. You and your friends just yap all day about nothing. Who are you texting now??? How many boots does one person need? He could go on…

The point is we have to stop expecting boys to think like we do. They don’t. They can’t.  (Thanks a lot testosterone.)

So Miley here are some tips to help you deal with Liam. Girls listen up because this applies to crushes and boyfriends too.

1) Guys get uncomfortable during big emotional talks. Their brains don’t function the way ours do. They  need to be in motion to fire up their thoughts. If there’s something serious you want to discuss do it while you’re moving. Walk, play Frisbee, play catch, air hockey, video games…movement helps them think.  Notice how guys always reach for that guitar when you start talking to them?

2) Females are generally better at communicating and expressing ourselves (progesterone). So face to face “talks” make them feel attacked. Try speaking side by side instead. In a car, seated at a bar (ID required), walking…

3) If he does something ah-nnoying (which he will) don’t tell him as he’s doing it. Wait and talk about it the next day when you’re actually enjoying each other. You will be nicer and he will be less defensive.

4) He SERIOUSLY has no idea what you’re thinking. I know this is impossible to comprehend. How hard can it be? We tell them. We hint. We have our friends hint. We tell them again. But they don’t (testosterone.) So don’t expect them to. And don’t get snippy. Just tell them. Then tell them again. And again. And again.And again.And again.And again.

5) This is the most important one. Ladies, no matter how obsessed and in love you are DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT ditch your girl friends. When things calm down between you two (they always do) and reality creeps back in, you will need them. If you think he wants to hear about your weight gain, boss conflict, outfit crisis, health scare, GPA plummet, eyeshadow shade, job offer, ingrown hair, prom dress, graduation dress, wedding dress, maternity jeans, or summer beach read, you have NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.

Oh, congratulations Miley.

Happily Ever After,

Lisi [image error]

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