A.C. Gaughen's Blog, page 15

Put Your Paws Up

Here's the thing: getting a book contract is not actually the cure to all your self esteem issues.

Weird, right? I know!

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. First because of the always amazing, eternally thought provoking GLEE, which has been wrestling with a lot of self esteem stuff lately. This week's PROM QUEEN was uh-mazing. And they did an incredible cover of ROLLING IN THE DEEP. purchasedonitunessaywhaaat?

Second, I read this post on Gretchen McNeil's blog, which was epic and apt and totally relatable.

Third, I'm trying to write an insecure moment for one of my characters, and it makes me think about my own experiences.

When it comes to my writing, I've always been pretty confident.  I can't really explain why; I never showed much of my fiction to people who would encourage me, but I was always hailed as a good writer in classes.  I worked on my writing for more than ten years before I decided to really pursue publishing; writing was always something I did for myself alone.  And then it wasn't, and that transition, more than any other, has been difficult.  But really, my confidence has never really suffered that much.  In that part of my life, I'm set.

But I have a lot of other insecurity.  I mean, I'm not crazy about the way I look.  I'm not the girl you look at when you walk into a bar (err, mostly because I'm probably not there.  working nights ain't so good for ye olde social life) and that's totally fine.  I mean, I've come to understand that I'm not going to skate by on anything by being hot, so I work hard and I write well.

But that doesn't really mean i'm cool with it, or myself.  Part of me really did think that having writing success would validate everything else, would take away any pain I felt at not being good enough or cool enough or pretty enough.

And to be honest, after getting the book contract, for some reason, I went through the worst period of self doubt and getting down on myself that I've ever gone through.  How the hell does that make sense?  Getting good things make me feel like I deserve them even less?

Actually, yes.  Has that ever happened to anyone else?

I think at this point, I'm just trying to have faith in the grand plan.  I mean, not to go all Gaga on you, but I was born this way, right?  I am who I am meant to be at any given moment.  Shouldn't I just trust that and believe in that rather than spending so much time doubting myself?

Yeah.  But that doesn't mean it's easy, does it?

A Good Day to Vlogggggg

see if i do

my writing process is changing.  this is tough for me–this is like suddenly learning a new way to put on your socks.  but it also signals a good thing, because now my writing is more multifaceted; more people are involved.  there are editors, agents, deadlines, stages, and even, maybe one day, fans.  i think the writer is trained in solitude; i learned to write by sitting alone in my head and exploring pathways in a dark mental cave.  and then after writing for so long utterly alone–i'm not even so good with critique groups–i got a book contract, and now there are people in my quiet place.

now it's hard to find time to write.  this was never a complaint for me before, but it suddenly has become my mantra. and i don't think it's because it's actually hard to find the time–come on, i work overnights, and i burn through an awful lot of netflix watch instantly–i think it's about control.

i've got a decent amount of stress at the moment, and by stress i mean opportunities that retard my inner five year old–i have such commitments that i can't just stamp my foot and say "I don't wanna!" and that will be the end of it. I'm invested, i'm committed (to things like my job, Boston GLOW, my book contract, my personal life, some freelancing work I still do)–I signed up for these things because I'm super stoked about them, but at the same time, they put me on someone else's timeline, and that kind of chafes me.  because i lose the control of the situation.

and sometimes with control, the most powerful weapon you have is the word "NO."  Or, I guess, more appropriately, the "yeah yeah yeah" clause.  because it's not that i have the ability to say no to any of these things; i don't even want to say no.  i want to do all of it.  but i also get kind of petulant and want to do it on my own schedule, so i willfully and grumpily procrastinate, saying i'll get to it, i'll do it soon.

but what i really mean is that i'll do it when i damn well please.  because i want to feel like i have some semblance of control.

so what i'm really doing is not writing because it's the one thing I can NOT do if i so choose.

which is stupid.

xx

Denial or Indulgence?

No, not referring to Godiva or Garretts popcorn–both of which are currently (and maddeningly) in my house at the moment.  I'm talking about sexual tension. I'm currently working on a story where the main character has a long distance relationship (err…to put it simply) and only sees her heartthrob occasionally.  when they are together, they aren't really supposed to be.  so i've kind of been playing around with a few scenes trying to figure out if it's more satisfying to have them crawling up the walls for each other and unfulfilled (a la TWILIGHT, i guess) or getting together in brief, hot bursts.

god that sounded dirty.  and I guess it was a little.

here are my thoughts:

1.  unfulfilled sexual tension is always popular.

it makes for a page turner!  I swear to god i flew through every ann rinaldi book when i was a kid, searching for that one single kiss.  and that's pretty tame sexual tension.  look at cassandra clare's books and her tights ripping, i'll tear your clothes off with my stele kind of sexual tension!  it keeps you reading.  it keeps the story moving and naturally dramatic.  always positive.

2.  safety.

erring on the side of sexual tension is definitely safer from a writer's perspective.  I mean, first of all, I have little cousins. and brothers.  and every word I write, i have to assume that they will read.  so sexual tension, with no mention of actual sexing, is definitely easier.  and less awkward for my family life.

3.  responsibility.

um….teens have sex.  and in this particular story, the teens are very unsupervised, and they have boyfriends.  they will have sex with these boyfriends.  i think it's unrealistic to say that they won't, and it's skirting the issue, and it's kind of letting my main character down.  i have a responsibility to her.

4.  but what am I saying?

as a young adult author, i think talking about sex is REALLY important.  i think on the one hand its important to acknowledge it and be ok with it, not treat it like a dark and evil subject.  i think school teachers have a duty to talk about the logistics of safe sex, and i think authors have a duty to talk about the emotions of safe sex.  I think that's what teens look to books for–emotional guidance and validation, and isn't sex a HUGE part of that? so say i let my main character have sex with her boyfriend.  what else do i have a responsibility to portray?

5.  which is better for the story?

i know that its pointless to write sex INTO the story if its gratuitous, but is it equally as pointless to write sex OUT of the story if it's just a device to keep things sexually tense?  Can the story sustain sexual tension and still have sex?

i don't know if there's really a good choice here–i think i just have to sit down with the manuscript and see what works best.

Voting Results are IN!

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THE WINNER!

Alright, as cute and fuzzy as my puppy dog is, I won with my paranormal esque pic that probably means I'll have to start writing about sex crazed were wolves and buy a black cat (can't it be a black dog?  Isn't that angsty enough?) named Horcrux.

Actually that would be unfortunate, because I tend to shorten my animal's names to their first syllable.  And that might be misinterpreted at the dog park.

Thanks for voting everyone!

Author Photos–ish

Okay, it's all fun and games here today on the final word, and I need some help choosing pretty pretty pictures (courtesy of my unexpectedly talented little brother).

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Me as a hard hitting investigative journalist that delivers eugooglies

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In which I am a writer of paranormal fiction--something about the color saturation and the woods...

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I haz sekrits.

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Ready? OK! BE AGGRESSIVE B-E AGGRESSIVE!

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I put a spell on you....and now you're miiiiine....

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In which I shamelessly use my dog to promote my authorial anonymity.

In all semi-seriousness, I need you to vote!  I think I like the spell and the paranormal picture.  But I do like to think of making a name for myself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends I lose or people I leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so I can make a name for myself as an investigatory journalist.

So there's that.

Oh, fine, here's another picture of my dog:

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That's my Lou.

frigidaire

I cannot wait for the day when the amazon search for "ac gaughen" does not yield this:

A Frigidaire FRA052XT7 5,000 BTU Mini Window Air Conditioner.  Yeah.  One day it might actually read: SCARLET!  AC GAUGHEN AUTHOR PAGE!  and, (dare to dream) CLICK HERE FOR OTHER BOOKS BY AC GAUGHEN.

I've been thinking a lot lately about this mythic future.  I'll tell you up front, i'm not so keen on the details.  I can deal with them–i don't fully miss the forest for the trees.  but they aren't the way my brain works.  i think that so much of life can be distilled down to a prismatic moment, like the way you should trust a first impression or an instinct.  details get in the way–they confuse you from making a decision.

i jump ahead.  i jump ahead and around and aside.  i highlight life plot points, so getting a book contract (dream. come. true.) isn't an end–it's a beginning, and one i feel stressed about, because it just seems like a lot is riding on this.  this is the first step inside the labyrinth and now i'm lost in the hedgerows.

but it's easter today (or it was when I started this post) and easter humbles me in so many ways because it reminds me of the depth of faith that i used to have, the depth of the faith that i lost, and the depth of the faith that exists in the holiday itself.  I'm not entirely positive when I lost touch with that faith–I was pretty religious in high school, and though I lost a lot of the religious aspect by the end of high school, I remained very strong in my faith.  it was always there for me, it was pulling me through when i was losing hope.

there's this poem that teen ministry things pass out called footprints, and it's all about jesus walking beside you and creating two tracks of footprints in your life–except during the hardest times, and then there's only a single set.  the narrator of the poem gets his whine on and asks, "why did you abandon me during the hardest times of my life?" and jesus says, "I didn't.  When you only see one track of footprints, it was then that i carried you."

Of course, this is all paraphrasing.  but it makes me think, and wonder.  i thought the hardest time–the time when I was relying on my faith–was when nothing was happening for me, when i was just working and waiting and waiting.

maybe i was wrong.  maybe i haven't even begun to hit hard yet, because this–being scared that not having the right swag or the right interview with a book blogger will kill my chances of having a writing career–is mental, twisty, and a little insane.

then again, maybe it's because my faith is slightly in disarray.  and I think i need it more than ever.

lighting things on fire

maybe it was my older brother's predilection for playing with matches when we were kids, but something about setting things on fire has always kind of appealed to me.  normally, this would be both dangerous and socially deviant, but what i'm really talking about is burning down the boundaries between women and success.

oh, see what i did there?

i'm aware that there is still discrimination in the world, but i'll be honest, my beef isn't so much with that. yes, it's not cool, and yes, we should always take an attitude of non-tolerance, but frankly, it's never felt very proactive.  I think the best recourse in the face of discrimination is to be the best damn girl you can be.  and that's where my problem is–too many women allow disparaging thoughts and low self esteem to stand in the way with their personal success.

the match was lit with IGNITE, but a match burns out quickly; without the support of a strong female network of mentors and role models, the IGNITE Change Essay Contest can't sustain.  So it's time to light a fire, and welcome all the amazing women I've met into one room to meet, talk, and support each other.

[image error]With that, I give you Firelight, a professional women's networking event at LIR Boston on Boylston Street in Boston, June 9th, 2011.

Because you know what?  Insecurity does not end when you're no longer a teen. And I think that maybe the converse of insecurity isn't confidence–it's generosity.  Because I think that when we get together and share of ourselves in any way, we recognize our own value.  We see it reflected back to us.

Besides which, I'll be honest–I've met ridiculously cool women doing amazing things, from book people to jewelry artists to comic book artists to interior designers to women who make their own jam.  That's aside from the lawyers, doctors, executives and business owners.  These are cool women, and I want to spend more time with them–and introduce them to other cool women.

So if you would like to come along, be awesome, and meet some other awesome ladies, please do.  You are more than welcome.  All I ask is to come along with the generosity of time and spirit to foster a connection with another person and it will be one amazing night!

Check out the details at firelight.eventbrite.com, or pasted below:

Who needs to light a cigar with the boys when you can light a fire with the ladies?

It's a tough world out there, and women in business face more challenges than most.  Boston GLOW seeks to empower professional women so that we in turn can become the role models for the next generation of women leaders, and to do that, we want to put awesome women in the same room with other awesome women.

Some of you have supported Boston GLOW in our efforts to encourage leadership in young women with our essay contest, IGNITE Change, and it's accompanying fundraiser, IGNITE the NITE; some of you may be totally new to our organization.  One way or another, you're invited because you are a rockstar and by sharing your experience with others, you will become a part of the conversation to encourage and support women in business.

Come along to LIR Boston on June 9th to mix and mingle with professional women across a huge cross section of industries and passions; come ready to make connections like the spreading of a flame from one candle to the next.  We will have a private space in LIR with our own dedicated bartender and a cash bar.

Please pass on the flame and share this invitation with other professional women you know!

OMG WHAT?!

Okay, yes, there has been a lot going on, but not so much that I ever should have missed this.

DIANA WYNNE JONES DIED?!

I found out by reading this, and quickly followed by reading this.  I feel like Meredith in Grey's Anatomy wailing in the elevator, "what the hell is going on?"  Howl's Moving Castle is one of my favorite books of all time.  The woman was just a grand master of accessible, beautiful fantasy with an easy sense of humor and likable, flawed protagonists.  Honestly i just feel like curling up in a ball and reading her entire collected works for like a month.

the funny thing about authors, and writing, is that as soon as that book is out of your hands, it's a non-evil horcrux.  a piece of your soul will go on living forever.  that part of you can be perpetually discovered, beloved, and treasured, which might actually be the true definition of living.  and yet losing an author feels like a horrible blow.  maybe it's because it kind of feels like any author that dies takes with them the unwritten potential of more beloved books, maybe it just reminds me how much I want to do before I go anywhere, but it's really pretty upsetting.

i had a piece of her in my home.  and she left me.

More Love for IGNITE!

I guess I wasn't being theoretical when, in my speech to the people in attendance at the banquet, I said that a spark can light a flame, a flame can light a fire, and that fire can become a bonfire that sets the world on fire.

Mitali's talking about it!

Sarah's talking about it!

In other news, I figured it was finally time to give SCARLET her own spot on Facebook….so check her out!