Put Your Paws Up

Here's the thing: getting a book contract is not actually the cure to all your self esteem issues.

Weird, right? I know!

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. First because of the always amazing, eternally thought provoking GLEE, which has been wrestling with a lot of self esteem stuff lately. This week's PROM QUEEN was uh-mazing. And they did an incredible cover of ROLLING IN THE DEEP. purchasedonitunessaywhaaat?

Second, I read this post on Gretchen McNeil's blog, which was epic and apt and totally relatable.

Third, I'm trying to write an insecure moment for one of my characters, and it makes me think about my own experiences.

When it comes to my writing, I've always been pretty confident.  I can't really explain why; I never showed much of my fiction to people who would encourage me, but I was always hailed as a good writer in classes.  I worked on my writing for more than ten years before I decided to really pursue publishing; writing was always something I did for myself alone.  And then it wasn't, and that transition, more than any other, has been difficult.  But really, my confidence has never really suffered that much.  In that part of my life, I'm set.

But I have a lot of other insecurity.  I mean, I'm not crazy about the way I look.  I'm not the girl you look at when you walk into a bar (err, mostly because I'm probably not there.  working nights ain't so good for ye olde social life) and that's totally fine.  I mean, I've come to understand that I'm not going to skate by on anything by being hot, so I work hard and I write well.

But that doesn't really mean i'm cool with it, or myself.  Part of me really did think that having writing success would validate everything else, would take away any pain I felt at not being good enough or cool enough or pretty enough.

And to be honest, after getting the book contract, for some reason, I went through the worst period of self doubt and getting down on myself that I've ever gone through.  How the hell does that make sense?  Getting good things make me feel like I deserve them even less?

Actually, yes.  Has that ever happened to anyone else?

I think at this point, I'm just trying to have faith in the grand plan.  I mean, not to go all Gaga on you, but I was born this way, right?  I am who I am meant to be at any given moment.  Shouldn't I just trust that and believe in that rather than spending so much time doubting myself?

Yeah.  But that doesn't mean it's easy, does it?