frigidaire

I cannot wait for the day when the amazon search for "ac gaughen" does not yield this:

A Frigidaire FRA052XT7 5,000 BTU Mini Window Air Conditioner.  Yeah.  One day it might actually read: SCARLET!  AC GAUGHEN AUTHOR PAGE!  and, (dare to dream) CLICK HERE FOR OTHER BOOKS BY AC GAUGHEN.

I've been thinking a lot lately about this mythic future.  I'll tell you up front, i'm not so keen on the details.  I can deal with them–i don't fully miss the forest for the trees.  but they aren't the way my brain works.  i think that so much of life can be distilled down to a prismatic moment, like the way you should trust a first impression or an instinct.  details get in the way–they confuse you from making a decision.

i jump ahead.  i jump ahead and around and aside.  i highlight life plot points, so getting a book contract (dream. come. true.) isn't an end–it's a beginning, and one i feel stressed about, because it just seems like a lot is riding on this.  this is the first step inside the labyrinth and now i'm lost in the hedgerows.

but it's easter today (or it was when I started this post) and easter humbles me in so many ways because it reminds me of the depth of faith that i used to have, the depth of the faith that i lost, and the depth of the faith that exists in the holiday itself.  I'm not entirely positive when I lost touch with that faith–I was pretty religious in high school, and though I lost a lot of the religious aspect by the end of high school, I remained very strong in my faith.  it was always there for me, it was pulling me through when i was losing hope.

there's this poem that teen ministry things pass out called footprints, and it's all about jesus walking beside you and creating two tracks of footprints in your life–except during the hardest times, and then there's only a single set.  the narrator of the poem gets his whine on and asks, "why did you abandon me during the hardest times of my life?" and jesus says, "I didn't.  When you only see one track of footprints, it was then that i carried you."

Of course, this is all paraphrasing.  but it makes me think, and wonder.  i thought the hardest time–the time when I was relying on my faith–was when nothing was happening for me, when i was just working and waiting and waiting.

maybe i was wrong.  maybe i haven't even begun to hit hard yet, because this–being scared that not having the right swag or the right interview with a book blogger will kill my chances of having a writing career–is mental, twisty, and a little insane.

then again, maybe it's because my faith is slightly in disarray.  and I think i need it more than ever.