see if i do

my writing process is changing.  this is tough for me–this is like suddenly learning a new way to put on your socks.  but it also signals a good thing, because now my writing is more multifaceted; more people are involved.  there are editors, agents, deadlines, stages, and even, maybe one day, fans.  i think the writer is trained in solitude; i learned to write by sitting alone in my head and exploring pathways in a dark mental cave.  and then after writing for so long utterly alone–i'm not even so good with critique groups–i got a book contract, and now there are people in my quiet place.

now it's hard to find time to write.  this was never a complaint for me before, but it suddenly has become my mantra. and i don't think it's because it's actually hard to find the time–come on, i work overnights, and i burn through an awful lot of netflix watch instantly–i think it's about control.

i've got a decent amount of stress at the moment, and by stress i mean opportunities that retard my inner five year old–i have such commitments that i can't just stamp my foot and say "I don't wanna!" and that will be the end of it. I'm invested, i'm committed (to things like my job, Boston GLOW, my book contract, my personal life, some freelancing work I still do)–I signed up for these things because I'm super stoked about them, but at the same time, they put me on someone else's timeline, and that kind of chafes me.  because i lose the control of the situation.

and sometimes with control, the most powerful weapon you have is the word "NO."  Or, I guess, more appropriately, the "yeah yeah yeah" clause.  because it's not that i have the ability to say no to any of these things; i don't even want to say no.  i want to do all of it.  but i also get kind of petulant and want to do it on my own schedule, so i willfully and grumpily procrastinate, saying i'll get to it, i'll do it soon.

but what i really mean is that i'll do it when i damn well please.  because i want to feel like i have some semblance of control.

so what i'm really doing is not writing because it's the one thing I can NOT do if i so choose.

which is stupid.

xx