Susan Jeffers's Blog, page 7

Wonder vs. Hope

In this month’s article, we’re talking about living in a state of Wonder. While hope can be a miraculous thing, it can also set us up for disappointment. As Susan wrote in Embracing Uncertainty, “Hoping can lead to a state of unhappiness if those very hopes are dashed. (And, of course, this includes wishing, wanting, desiring, and any other such emotion that opens you up to disappointment, sadness, and upset in the future.) It can create a fear of the uncertainty, even if those hopes are eventually realized. It can blind us to valuable opportunities for growth.”

She recommends living a “Wondering Life” instead of a “Hoping Life.” When we live a life hoping, we are choosing the outcome we would like, which leads to disappointment. When we live a life wondering, we are setting ourselves up to accept whatever blessings come our way.

“Wondering doesn’t result in unhappiness, as there are no hopes to be shattered,” Susan wrote. “And with the magic of wondering, fear of the uncertain is replaced by curiosity. Wonder can also open our eyes to valuable opportunities for growth. You can see why, when we substitute a Wondering Life for a Hoping Life, we have taken one important step toward embracing uncertainty.”

It takes work to embark on a “Wondering Life,” but the more you let go and the more you go with the flow of Wonder, the more at ease you will be with each new day. Susan gives us several exercises in Embracing Uncertainty to help us cultivate a Wondering Life. Check them out and start living in a state of wonder.

Living a Wonder-filled, Spoiler-free Life

Susan talked about how disappointing spoilers can be in Embracing Uncertainty. Knowing the end of a movie or TV show is disappointing because we would prefer to have the experience of the story ourselves.

“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could think of the story of our lives in just this way?” Susan wrote. “We could allow ourselves to be the observer of the greatest story ever told…at least to our own lives. I WONDER what’s going to happen.”

Right? Who would really want to know how life is going to unfold? It would be boring to know what each step of your life will bring. Yet, how many of us try to control each aspect of our lives so that there are no surprises? We try to control every little thing so we don’t have to face any uncertainties.

But we all know that’s not how life works.

It’s exciting to get a wonderful surprise for your birthday, or to run into an old friend while doing your shopping, or to win a prize in a raffle. These are surprises that bring joy to our lives. Yet there are other surprises that can diminish our happiness—cancelled dinner plans, a surprise medical bill, a family member in a car accident.

Both joy and sadness bring balance to our lives.

“Strangely, as much as we worry about the uncertainty of the future,” said Susan, “I believe that if someone could tell us in advance how things were going to turn out, we wouldn’t want to hear it. Oh, yes, we love fortune-tellers to tell us that we will be rich, healthy, and find true love. It’s always great to hear the good stuff, but I don’t think we’d like to hear the ‘bad’ stuff, and, of course, some ‘bad’ stuff is likely to occur in all our lives.”

In an effort to smooth out any disappointing surprises, many of us create quiet lives with boundaries, snug in our comfort zones, so that we don’t have to face any surprise, any change. We are trying to make sure that our lives are full of spoilers so that there are no surprises. How boring!

When we circumscribe our lives, we are shutting out the wonders of each day—the unexpected bad and the unexpected good. Susan wrote, “Isn’t it better that we take things as they come…the good and the bad…and learn and grow as events happen? I believe that each moment, each day, each age, each experience brings with it its own challenge. And the trick is to learn to love the uncertainty of it all.”

This can be very challenging for a lot of us. Uncertainty often causes feelings of stress and fear. Not being able to control the outcome is scary. Letting go is hard, but it is absolutely worth it. The payoff of embracing life’s uncertainties is that we experience life with open eyes and open hearts knowing that there are blessings aplenty to marvel at each day.

“Do we really want to ruin the challenge of it all…the surprise around the corner…the true adventure of not-knowing? If we can shift our uncertainty, our not-knowing, into an adventure, how wonderful that would be!”

By cultivating our sense of wonder, we begin to understand that uncertainty can be gratifying. When we allow ourselves to wonder, we are neutralizing pessimism while relieving anxiety, allowing us to welcome what life brings. When we wonder, Susan wrote, “Fear of the uncertain is replaced by curiosity. Wonder can also open our eyes to valuable opportunities for growth. You can see why, when we live a Wondering Life, we have taken one important step toward embracing uncertainty.” When we can look forward to uncertainty, we can cultivate a sense of wonder for whatever life brings us.  Spoilers about our future can become as unwelcome as any spoiler for a movie. Start today by finding and celebrating the wonder in your life.

Letting Go of Hate and Anger

We’re talking this month about how to bring more love and loving into the world. The world seems to full of divisiveness and hatred, more so than ever before. How can we bring more love into the world? How can we make this a more loving place? It starts at the level of the individual, it starts with each of us. When we hold on to hatred and anger, we are only exacerbating the problem.

When we hold on to anger or hate, we get stuck in our Lower Self, the place that is needy and fearful. If we are going to be able to bring love into the world, then we have to let go of any negative emotions that are holding us back.

As Susan wrote in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, “We need to get rid of pain and anger before we can bring in love. When we hold negative feelings about people in our past, we carry those feelings to those in our present. Not only that, but we can make ourselves physically ill, as some of you may have already experienced.”

She recommended a technique that can help us overcome those negative emotions. “One tool that helps you visualize the other person is to ‘be in the room’ with the person you have conflict with. Imagine this person is sitting on a chair opposite you. In your mind’s eye, look them in the face and see them as someone just like you with the same fears, worries, needs and hopes.”

When you look really closely at this person you are visualizing, you will see their vulnerabilities, their humanness. When you can start to feel empathy with that person, you can begin to let go of the hate. Only then can you can begin to heal yourself, mentally and physically, to become a more loving person.

Greeting the Light

This month we’re talking about how to bring more love into the world. The first step towards doing that is working on ourselves. We’re going to explore that idea a little more, here on Susan’s blog.

In Dare to Connect, she suggested a technique that can help us become more comfortable in high stress situations, such as a job interview or meeting a group of new people. It’s really a simple idea. Instead of letting your Chatterbox get the best of you, repeat to yourself “I love you,” or “I greet the light in you.” When you can hold on to this thought, you begin to project a loving energy, one that exudes confidence and friendliness.

Susan wrote, “If you can hold onto that loving space, the outcomes of meetings will be very different than when our energy field broadcasts ‘I am scared, insecure and I want desperately for you to love and accept me!’ Whenever we approach any situation in a centered state, extending our field of energy and light, we become more powerful and loving…rather than fearful and vulnerable.”

But how can it be so easy to change your energy from fearful to confident, you ask. We all have within us a place of love and light. You know, the Higher Self. When we project the thought, “I greet the light in you,” it allows us to get past our judgmental self, the part of us that is critical of ourselves and of others, and to connect to others through the light they have inside.

“Even if her or she seems obnoxious or unfriendly, ‘I greet the light in you!’ are the words that open our heart and allow us to see beyond the darkness,” Susan said.

No Matter What I See On the Outside, I Greet the Light In You!

Bringing More Love Into the World

It feels like there is so much hate and anger in the world, but what can we do? It turns out, we can do a lot.

Even though hate seems widespread through organized groups, it begins with each one of us as individuals. When someone attacks the things you believe in, it’s hard not to become defensive and angry. From there, it is hardly a step into feeling hate. It’s almost too easy. As we all know, what’s easiest is not always the best path for us to take. And in these uncertain times, it’s even more important for us to step back, try to understand our negative feelings, and try to turn them into something more productive.

Whether we are yelling obscenities at the driver who cut us off in traffic, or seething with hatred at the other political party, we are perpetuating hate. We have forgotten that each one of us, each human calls this planet home and that it is up to us to make it a better place. As Susan wrote in Dare to Connect, “We are all in it together, all fearful individuals trying very hard in our own way to make it in this seemingly hostile world…all trying to learn how to make the world more peaceful and loving for ourselves and others.”

So how can we turn what prompts us to anger and hatred into something positive? It’s not easy. As Susan said, “Believe me, it is hard to examine deeply one’s own feelings of hatred let alone how you are going to overcome them, but these are the ways that I came up with to help myself handle my hatred and I want to share them with you.”

In an article she wrote in the early 2000s, Susan recommended these eight steps to help us overcome any hatred that we feel.

Step 1: There are two sides to every story. Step away from your own opinion to look more closely at the other point of view. You never know, there might be something you agree with.

Step 2: Know your adversary. How well do you know the person you are hating? Do you know them at all? Remember that everyone has their own troubles. Think about where they are coming from.

Step 3: Don’t overreact. Rushing to judgment can be a terrible mistake. All of us often speak or act before we think. You will be amazed at how different the outcome will be if you just stop to think and reappraise the situation.

Step 4: Improve your communication. All of us have a lot to learn when it comes to communicating clearly and sensitively. Make your case or argument as clearly as you can, but be mindful of the other side’s point of view. Be ready to compromise, since it is rare that you are going to win every point in any argument or conflict.

Step 5: Handle your fear. Fear underlies so many of our actions and reactions. Learning to handle your fear will empower you to act in a more balanced and caring manner when you find yourself in a confrontational situation where you might otherwise lash out.

Step 6: Don’t take it personally. You can’t solve all the problems of the world yourself so don’t take these burdens on your shoulders.

Step 7: Learn to forgive. Once you become comfortable with the acknowledgment of the person you supposedly hate, forgive them and forgive yourself for hating them. True forgiveness will create healing as you feel compassion.

Step 8: I love you, I love you, I love you. These magical words mean so much. They encapsulate the essence of all the other tools above. It maybe hard to do this at first since most of the people you need to say it to are those that you want to hit in the face.

These steps, taken singularly or all together, are a way to bring more love, understanding, and compassion to the world. As Susan said, “When you put loving thoughts and behavior into the world, you plant seeds of self-respect. When you put unloving thoughts and behavior into the world, you destroy seeds of self-respect.”

Self-respect and respect for the differences between us can go a long way to bringing more love into the world. Everyone is different, and everyone is facing some kind of trouble, so we all need to remember to keep our minds and hearts open, no matter how hard it may be.

Susan wrote, “Within everyone of us lives a place of light and love that I call the Higher Self. Perhaps hurtful life experiences have built walls making it invisible. Nevertheless, the place of light and love is always there!”

So when we are feeling anger and hate, we need to remember that we can also feel love and when we do so, we are bringing more loving into the world.

Combining Prayers of Trust and Gratitude

This month we’re talking about prayer and how it can help negate our anxiety and fear. In End the Struggle and Dance With Life, Susan explains three types of prayer that can help us feel more at one with the world: Prayer of trust, prayer of gratitude, and prayer of communion. The prayer of communion is less about telling and more about listening in order to connect with the world around us.

A prayer of trust is about letting go of control and turning over our worries to the Divine energy. Here is Susan’s example of a prayer of trust: “Dear God. I trust that no matter what happens in my life, it is for my highest good. And no matter what happens in the lives of those I love, it is for their highest good. From all things that are put before us, we shall become stronger and more loving people.”

A prayer of gratitude is about acknowledging the beauty and blessings in our lives. Susan’s example goes like this: “I am grateful for all the beauty and opportunity you put into my life. And in all that I do, I shall seek to be a channel for your love.”

You can also combine the two prayers to really reap the benefits of trust and gratitude.

A Prayer of Trust and Gratitude

“Dear God, I trust that no matter what happens in my life, it is for my highest good. And no matter what happens in the lives of those I love, it is for their highest good. From all things you put before us, we shall become stronger and more loving people. I am grateful for all the beauty and opportunity you put into my life. And in all that I do, I shall seek to be a channel for your love.”

When you repeat this prayer, you will find that your struggle will diminish and peace will enter your being as you send you loving energy out into this needy world. As Susan said, “It’s a sublime feeling, indeed.”

Petitionary Prayers of a Child

In End the Struggle and Dance With Life, Susan wrote about the power of prayer—not necessarily as a religious expression, but as a way to connect us to the universe outside ourselves. Here is an excerpt from the book:

When I was a little girl, I used to say the same prayer every night. “Dear God. Please let my Mommy and Daddy live forever.”

Well, my Mommy and Daddy didn’t live forever. And one could say that God let me down. But I’ve learned a lot since then and I know that God didn’t let me down at all. I just “asked amiss.” I didn’t really understand how to pray in a way that is guaranteed to bring me all that I ask for and need. My lack of understanding was bound to bring me disappointment and heartache.

The question is, “How many of us have grown beyond the level of the child when it comes to prayer?” I suspect very few of us. For example, I suspect that some form of the following prayer sounds familiar to many single women today: “Dear God. I am getting older. Please send me a wonderful man to marry so I can begin my family within one year.”

I’ll also wager that a good number of these women insert some adjectives in their prayer such as handsome, rich and generous. (I’m sure that many single men have an equivalent prayer!) Some of us pray that our loved ones get well when they are ill or that we find a job when money is short or that a certain business venture turns out successfully or that we win the lottery, and so on.

Some of us are needy and beg God to give us what we feel we can’t provide for ourselves. Our prayers sound something like “HELP! BAIL ME OUT!” Others of us are more arrogant. We think we know exactly what is right for us and we ask God to be our “delivery boy.” Our prayers sounds something like: “Let me have that job. I know it is perfect for me.”

To make matters worse, not only do we ask God to do it for us; we then worry that He (or She) won’t do it right! Does this sound familiar? I’m here to tell you that:

Any time we are asking God to fill our order, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment!

Prayers such as the above—those that ask for something—are often called “petitionary” prayers. I believe that we set ourselves up for an immense amount of fear, anger, disappointment, and all sorts of other negative emotions when we pray in this way. Petitionary prayers do not do the job of ending our struggle–whether they have loving sentiments behind them or selfish ones. The simple reason for this is that sometimes they are answered and sometimes they’re not.

Sometimes we get the job; sometimes we don’t. Sometimes our loved ones get well; sometimes they don’t. Sometimes our business is successful; sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes we find the man or woman to marry; sometimes we don’t.

As a result we are left with very little peace of mind as we worry, or even obsess, about the outcome of important situations in our lives.

See this month’s article to learn how Susan’s recommended forms of prayer to bring us lightness, connected ness, and joy.

Meditative Prayer for Soothing Mind and Soul

Prayer, like meditation, can be a powerful tool to calm the mind and body during difficult and scary times—or at any time really. Praying is not just a religious expression, it can be helpful to non-religious people equally.

Whether or not you are religious, prayer can be a healing process. As Susan wrote in End the Struggle and Dance With Life, “The healing effects of prayer, even for those who do not believe in God, have been documented in a number of scientific studies and it is hard to deny the evidence. So pray to the Spirit or Higher Self within or simply to the grand mystery of it all. But don’t negate the potential power of prayer in your life. It can be an awesome force, indeed.”

Prayer is essentially a type of meditation. The benefits of meditation—reducing stress, increasing patience and tolerance, reducing negative emotions, promoting good mental health—are well known and well documented. The benefits from prayer are the same. Where in meditation you are meant to focus on your breath or a specific thought, prayer is focused on something outside yourself.

A 2005 study published by the Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that spiritual forms of meditation to be more calming than regular meditation. Prayer allows you to give up or give over your burdens to a Higher Power, helping you to feel more connected with the world around you.

But not all prayers are created equal. “There are many ways that people pray. And while there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to pray, I believe that some prayers can create confusion and distrust while others can create an incredible sense of power and love. Needless to say, it’s important to learn the difference!” said Susan.

What she meant by this is that when we pray with a specific need in mind—I need a job/girlfriend/vacation—we are petitioning our Higher Power to be our savior to give us what we want, or as Susan put it so distinctly, our “delivery boy.” These types of prayers come from fear, anger, neediness, disappointment, and other negative emotions.

Susan said, “Petitionary prayers do not do the job of ending our struggle—whether they have loving sentiments behind them or selfish ones. The simple reason for this is that sometimes they are answered and sometimes they’re not.” When people use this type of prayer, they are showing that they do not trust the power they are praying to. They are setting up expectations and will likely be disappointed.

To get the most benefits from prayer, Susan suggested three types that can help us get past the petitionary prayers to really get in touch the Divine energy outside of ourselves. These are:

Prayers of TrustPrayers of GratitudePrayers of Communion

Petitionary prayers show that we don’t trust the Grand Design. “We don’t trust the rhyme or reason for things that happen in our lives and in the lives of others we care about. We don’t trust the great wisdom of the Universe. We ask for things to be OUR way, not God’s way,” wrote Susan. We are not trusting the ability of the Divine energy to lead us in the best direction.

A prayer of trust can show us how to hold the Higher Power in our hearts, making the fear and disappointment disappear. A prayer of trust is like an affirmation that you are telling the Divine energy. It’s showing that you understand that you may not know what’s best for you, but that you are willing to trust.

A prayer of gratitude should be self-explanatory. It’s giving thanks before a meal, it’s acknowledging the blessings we have in our lives. According to Susan, “Infusing our prayers with gratitude is a wonderful way to notice all that we have been given. When we are grateful, peace enters our hearts and our neediness abates.”

A prayer of communion is more about listening than telling. “Prayers of communion need not have any words. They are simply about being in the presence of the radiant Spirit of a Higher Power. The feeling of being lost in this world totally vanishes. We are Home and we are safe,” wrote Susan. When we allow ourselves space to just listen, not necessarily with our ears but with our soul, we will be able to feel a connectedness to the world around us.

Whatever way you pray, know that the benefits will spill over into all the areas of your life. Regular prayer can help us stay connected with the Divine energy that is always around us, no matter what is happening at any moment. As Susan put it so eloquently, “We need only to tap into this Divine Presence to find an exquisite piece of ‘Heaven’ that we can take into our hearts and radiate out to everyone whose life touches ours. In this place, our fear disappears and is replaced by an intense sense of love and caring.”

When you are stressed and fearful, remember that a few minutes of prayer can help you connect to the world around you in a more loving, helpful way.

Commitment Doesn’t Have To Be Forever

“To make commitment a less heavy concept, keep in mind that, contrary to what we have been taught, it doesn’t necessarily mean forever,” Susan wrote in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

Susan wrote a lot about making sure that in whatever you are doing, you are 100% engaged, particularly in the aspects of your life that are important to you that you listed on your Grid of Life. Commitment, as she describes it, means consciously giving 100% to whatever it is that you’re doing. She wrote, “when you are at work, work full out, holding nothing back; when you are with your family, consciously be with them, 100%; when you are with friends, be there 100% . . . and so on.”

Committing to something doesn’t mean it has to last forever, but while it’s important to you, commit yourself 100%.

For example, Natalie was working at a job that she didn’t like. It was a position that was extremely stressful and unfulfilling, and it left her very unhappy. After a few years, she knew she needed to make a change. In the months leading up to her resignation, she prepared for someone else to step into her role. She worked with some colleagues to bring them up to speed on what she did. She created an instruction manual that described how to do her duties, and she engaged new vendors that would be easier to work with for whomever stepped into her role.

When the time came to give notice, she had a meeting with her boss. She told him that it was time for her to move on and that she’d been unhappy in her role at the company. Her boss was surprised to find this out and even said, “But you do such great work.” Natalie knew then, that she had done what she could and now could move on knowing that she’d done her best and had left her role in the company in a stronger position than she had found it.

Steps for Living Your Whole Life By Your Grid

In this month’s article, we are talking about making sure you are living a full, rich life by filling in, and acting on, your Grid of Life. Once you’ve filled in the nine boxes of the aspects of your life that are most important to you, you need to take the steps to make sure you are engaging with each aspect. Here is how you can start:

1. After you have filled in your grid, pick one of the boxes to work on. Shut your eyes and visualize what you would like that part of your life to look like. What would you be doing? How would you be interacting with the people around you? How would it feel? Remember the two key ingredients: 100% commitment and acting as if you count.

2. When you get a clear picture, take a blank piece of paper and begin writing down what your mind created for you, paying attention to all the details. This will help you with the next step.

3. List the many things that would have to be done in order to make your visualization become a reality. Again, take time to think this through carefully. You have to take action to make your real life match your visualization. Action will be the key to your success.

4. Repeat the first three steps for every area of your grid. It is important to keep in mind that whatever you create in your grid can become a reality—if you are committed to taking the necessary action. You will be amazed at what a beautiful life begins to emerge—so rich, full, loving, and giving.

5. Every day create specific goals that reflect all the boxes in your grid. If you are already a daily goal setter, your goals are probably focuses on one area of your life, your work. Now, it’s time to expand your daily To Do list. When you set goals for all areas on your grid, your life will become more balanced.

With some thoughtful planning and taking action, you will find that living your Whole Life can be full of possibilities!