Susan Jeffers's Blog, page 5

The Magic Duo to Achieve Your New Year’s Goals

Happy New Year! Have you set your intentions for the year? What changes are you looking to make? Whether you call them goals, resolutions, or intentions, the New Year objectives most people make are about self-improvement. But creating a goal and following through on it are two different things, and many of us struggle to make the change we want to see. A great way to kickstart your self-improvement changes for the year is with Susan’s Magic Duo.

In Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan explains that to live fully and powerfully, in every part of our life, we must commit 100%. She said, “Commitment, as I am using the term, means consciously giving 100%—everything you’ve got. For example, when you are at work, work full out, holding nothing back; when you are with your family, consciously be with them, 100%; when you are with friends, be there 100% . . . and so on.”

Going hand-in-hand with commitment is to “act as if you really count.” When you know that your actions are important, that you count, then you have the power to change things around you. You feel more confident and empowered. When we “Act-as-if,” we learn that what we think and do really matters and thereby help us make changes to our daily lives. Susan said, “This, of course, makes us feel more powerful in a world where so many people feel helpless.”

When we commit 100% and remember that “I Count” in all aspects of our life, we are using the Magic Duo to make ourselves fully present and full of confidence. So how does this apply to our New Year’s goals? After you make your resolution and before you start making changes to your daily life, you need to make sure you fully commit to it and you need to “Act-as-if I Count.”

Susan said, “It is important to keep in mind that, as with everything else associated with change, it takes a great deal of awareness, patience, and perseverance to break strong emotion-backed patterns. This should not worry you. While it may sound like an unpleasant task, it really isn’t, if you take it in small and manageable steps and allow yourself time to really enjoy the process.”

How do you start implementing the Magic Duo? Ask yourself these two questions: What would it look like if you were committing 100% to your goal? What would you do if really counted? When you have an idea of what it would look like, then you act-as-if and do those things. It’s a great way to set yourself on a new path. Just like pretending to laugh can elevate your mood, or dressing for the job you want, pretending to be something you want to be can help you take strides towards making it true.

You have to do something to make your real life match your visualization.
So your actions are critical.

When we ask and then answer those Magic Duo questions, it can look something like this:

Goal: Cook more homemade meals.
What would that look like? You would “act-as-if” you were the type of person who always cooks at home.
Steps: You would need to have recipes you want to cook, so you research a dozen recipes that you know you can make. You would need to replenish the ingredients in your refrigerator and pantry more often, so you make a commitment of going to the store every week or more if necessary. You would need to set aside time to do the cooking. This means adjusting your current schedule to include time everyday to cook. And so on.

Goal: Save more money.
What would that look like? You would “act-as-if” you are the kind of person that is good at saving.
Steps: You would create a budget to allow you to put more money into savings. You would open a savings account that you set up to automatically withdraw money from your checking account each month. You would focus on improving your spending habits, such as no more impulse buying. And so on.

Goal: Exercise more often.
What would that look like? You would “act-as-if” you were a person who regularly works out.
Steps: You would decide what kind of exercise suits you best. This might mean trying out different work-outs—like jogging, yoga, or spin classes—to find the one you like. You would set aside time in your schedule to exercise and keep your workout gear with you so you are less likely to skip your work out. You would sign up for a gym membership or classes. And so on.

In each of these examples there are even more steps we could take. By breaking down our New Years’ goal into smaller steps, we can take baby steps towards reaching our goal. While baby steps are by definition small, they definitely add up. Each step puts you on your path to achieving your goal.

So what are you hoping to change in 2023? Whatever it is, make sure to start off the New Year right by really giving it your all.

The Magic Duo—100% commitment and I count— will help you focus and achieve a sense of fulfillment.

Thanking the Angels in Our Lives

Have you had an experience where an unexpected ‘Angel’ showed up to help? For example, you forgot your wallet and someone stepped up to pay for your lunch. Or when you’re having a bad day and a call from a friend cheers you up. How about when your car breaks down far from home and your brother drives out to get you?

These experiences are examples of Instant Angels, as Susan calls them in Life is Huge! All of us have benefited from angels helping us in both surprising tiny ways and in more obvious ways. As the holiday season is upon us, now is the perfect time to acknowledge those angels in our lives.

Susan suggested that, “Instead of us focusing on the decorative Angels that appear on our Christmas trees and storefront windows, we put our attention on the real life Angels, seen or unseen, who make (or who have made) our lives a little easier, who protect us from harm, who are the embodiment of Love. I then propose that we thank them in any way that we can…a phone call, a letter, a gift, or just sending them thoughts of light and love…even if they are no longer with us in bodily form.”

Saying thank you can be one of the most uplifting things you can do—for yourself and especially for the person who came to your “rescue.” All of us have down times, so when someone lets you know that they appreciate you, it can make a world of difference to your outlook. So why not do that for your own angels?

Susan recognized both sides of this situation—thanking and accepting thanks. She wrote, “Like all of you, there are times when I get tired and discouraged when things are not happening as I would like them to happen…and then I receive a special THANK YOU from one of you…whether in an email, a card, a letter, a beautiful customer review on an internet bookstore, a hug when I give a talk, or whatever. And I am filled with resolve and strength once again. You cannot imagine the great power of your THANK YOU’s. They make my heart sing.”

Make the heart of someone in your life sing this holiday season and know that you have brought more light into the world.

Instant Angel to the Rescue

As mentioned in this month’s newsletter, Susan had a close call with a terrible accident and was rescued by her “instant angel.” Here is the story from Life Is Huge!:

Many years ago, I decided to travel from New York City, which was my home at the time, to attend a week-long workshop at Esalen Institute, a Spiritual center located a few hours drive from San Francisco in Big Sur, California. With great excitement about the upcoming week, I flew into San Francisco, rented a car, and began my drive south to the magnificent Highway 1 which runs along the California coast.

I wasn’t in the car any longer than ten minutes when the skies darkened and the rains came down fast and furious. It was a difficult drive, to say the least, but my mind kept focusing on the wonderful workshop I would soon be attending.

When I finally arrived in an area that I knew was just about eleven miles north of Esalen, I thought to myself, “It won’t be too long now.” So you can imagine my disappointment to see a barrier in the road as I drove a little further that said “ROAD CLOSED…FLOODING AHEAD”. What a blow! Since it was the only road that leads to Eslalen, I knew I wasn’t going to get to the beginning of my workshop in time.

It’s then that I made a downright stupid decision. I said to myself, “The road’s probably not too bad. They’re just being overly cautious.” I then proceeded to go around the warning signs and continued on my way. Stupid, indeed! As I drove, I noticed I was the only car on the road—for an obvious reason: All the other drivers were wise enough to obey the “ROAD CLOSED” sign!

For those of you who’ve never driven the splendid Highway 1, let me explain that, in the area of Big Sur, it is a twisting road with many turns that, at the time, had no guard rails to stop one from accidentally hurtling down to the cliffs and the ocean below. So you can understand why I began to feel a bit uneasy as I surveyed what I had gotten myself into. But I just kept driving.

Suddenly I was aware of a strange sensation. Instead of moving forward, I could feel the car being lifted as it slowly began “floating” toward the edge of the cliff. What had looked just like the road ahead was actually a big crevice in the road filled with water! In a strangely calm state of mind, I thought to myself, “This is the end! I’m going over the cliff!” I tried opening the door but with no luck; the water was so high that it was blocking the door. I was trapped.

And then it happened. At that very critical moment in time, a highway patrol tow truck rounded the corner. The driver immediately saw what was happening, quickly ran out of the truck, attached a rope to my car, and pulled me and the car to safety…thereby saving my life. What makes this all the more remarkable is the fact that Highway 1 stretches for miles and miles and the likelihood of that tow truck coming around the corner just as I needed it was remote, to put it mildly. In fact, I put it in the category of “Miracle”…and I put the tow truck driver in the category of “Instant Angel.”

I might add that he was an Instant Angel who couldn’t stop cursing at me, calling me an idiot for disregarding the sign, and telling me if I didn’t go back to the area behind the warning signs and stay there until it was safe to proceed, he would have me arrested and thrown in jail! (Instant Angels come in all forms.) I meekly apologized, sheepishly thanked him, and headed back wondering how I could have been so reckless. An important lesson learned: When it comes to personal safety, there are times to “Feel the Fear…and DON’T Do It Anyway!”

Are You an Instant Angel?

In heaven an angel is nobody in particular. George Bernard Shaw

You don’t have to be an angel, just be someone who can give. Patti LaBelle

Everyone needs an angel now and then. Not necessarily the kinds of angels that float down from heaven. No, the angels we need are the people who turn up just at the moment we need them. Susan called these people Instant Angels.

In Life Is Huge!, Susan describes a time she was helped by an Instant Angel when she nearly drove off a cliff in a rainstorm. Her car was stalled, then out of the blue, a tow truck driver arrived to pull her car to safety. While most of us aren’t going to experience such a dramatic entrance of an angel, we can probably think of a time or two (or three) when someone stepped in to help us when we had a great need.

We, too, can be Instant Angels to other people. When we step up to help those in need—helping to pay for someone’s groceries or dropping your plans to be with a friend in crisis, whether helping a sick relative or helping a stranger find their car in a parking lot, whether we have time to schedule it or if we do it off the cuff— we are connecting with our Higher Self.

I have chosen to believe that we can all be ‘used’
by that same Universal Energy to serve as Instant Angels for others.

When we become an Instant Angel to someone else, when we give willingly and gratefully, we are truly stepping into the light of the universe. As Susan wrote, “I propose that from this moment on we embrace the role of Instant Angels and, on impulse—or with great forethought—we step in to do things for others who need our help. I can promise you a heavenly result, a feeling of joy like none else. And when someone says to you, ‘Thank you so much. You’re such an Angel,’ you can bask in the glory that you truly are.”

In order to be able to be an Instant Angel, we need to step out of our “me me me” attitude of getting and focus on giving. Susan advised, “You will be a far happier person if your question is ‘What am I going to give?’ instead of ‘What am I going to get?’”

Once you decide that you will let in the Universal Energy and be a conduit for giving, you might be thinking, “What have I got to give?” The real question is, “What don’t I have to give?”

While there are opportunities for each of us to be an Instant Angel all year long, there are even more chances during the holiday season. At this time of year, people are feeling stressed, desperate, and lonely, which give us so many opportunities to help others.

“Remember that the enjoyment of the holidays begins and ends with caring, sharing, having compassion for others, and radiating love,” Susan wrote. This means that when we open up our hearts ready to embrace the world, there is nothing that we can’t give. You read that right. Giving is about so much more than spending money. There are opportunities aplenty to be an Angel. Volunteer opportunities—such as working in a food kitchen or distributing toys or visiting with the elderly—as well as donation opportunities … there are  too many to be named.

But to be an Instant Angel, where you are truly in line with your Higher Self and the Universal Energy, you need to be open to helping whenever you find someone in distress. The important thing is to be welcoming to any opportunity that comes your way. Not taking the time or making the effort to give when the opportunity arises is simply Lower Self behavior.

Open your heart and arms to welcome opportunities to be an Instant Angel, knowing that you are a conduit for the good of the Universal Energy. Susan said it best, “Yes, all of us can become Instant Angels as we step in to ‘rescue’ others who need our help. When we do, it’s as though the Light of a Higher Power comes shining right through us. And as many of you may have already discovered, the feeling is Divine.”

More on “Look Deeply”

In order to recognize, and be grateful for, all the people who have supported us along our journey, we need to really look at all the work that goes into making our lives both comfortable and convenient. In End the Struggle and Dance With Life, Susan asks us to “Look Deeply.”

Susan wrote: “Most of us only skim the surface when we look at what life gives to us. This is why we habitually take things for granted and miss the miracle of it all.”

She asks us to consider how magnificent a supermarket can be when we stop to really see all the blessings it can provide for us, as we talked about in this month’s newsletter article. Then she asks us to consider what it would be like if we didn’t have a market to go to.

Take a minute to imagine what our lives would look like if all the markets, small and large, were taken away from us. In today’s world, I don’t know how many of us would survive. You can begin looking deeply at everything you do in your every day life—driving your car, working at your office, taking a vacation, reading a book, watching television, gardening, cleaning your house, caring for loved ones. As we look deeply, we see that in everything we do, we have been handed the Kingdom. May we always remember this.

The Kingdom she refers to is from a poem from Emily Dickinson about how much giving there is behind each small action.

As if I asked a common alms
And in my wandering hand,
A stranger pressed a Kingdom
And, I, bewildered, stand.

We all have been handed a kingdom, but it is hard to notice if we don’t look deeply. We must seek out the understanding that we are blessed with riches, even when we can’t see them.

The Important Habit of Saying Thank You

This month we’re talking about recognizing and being grateful for the support we receive from other people. Showing our gratitude is the best way to be conscious of the help we receive. In End the Struggle and Dance With Life, Susan talks about “Cultivating the habit of saying, ‘Thank You.’”

The next ritual follows naturally from the last…and that is to cultivate the habit of verbalizing our thanks. When we look mindfully and deeply at the beauty in our lives, and begin to list the multitude of people and things who have supported us in the past and support us in the present, there can be only two words that comes from our heart and to our lips, and these words are, THANK YOU!

The inclusion of the words THANK YOU in our vocabulary, sets up an interesting paradox. Each time we say these two powerful words, we are acknowledging a gift we were given. By definition, if we say THANK YOU often enough, any trace of a poverty consciousness disappears; we begin feeling incredibly abundant!

On the other hand, if we don’t say THANK YOU very often, it is a sign we are taking things for granted. When we take things for granted, we are sleepwalking our way through life. Giving thanks is one way of waking ourselves up. And speaking of waking up, the morning is a wonderful time to begin your process of saying thanks. What have you got to thank so early in the morning?

“Thank you body for keeping me alive. Thank you coffee for the delicious wake-up call. Thank you vitamins and breakfast for nourishing me. Thank you hot shower for the luscious feeling of warmth and comfort. Thank you house for protecting me from the elements. Thank you makeup and hair dryer for helping me feel ready to face the day. Thank you car for starting. Thank you roads, stop signs, traffic lights for getting me to work safely. Thank you job for giving me money to buy what I need.”

And I only skimmed the surface. What if you “looked deeply” as I described in the last chapter at each of these items. You’d be saying thank you all day! You may think it’s ridiculous to think of such ordinary things in our lives as blessings.

Not only do we take things for granted, we take people for granted. Our thanks to them is incredibly important, particularly to those who are most significant in our lives. Although it may be easier (when we remember!) to thank the bus driver, the waitress, the toll booth collector, the garbage collector, and so on, it is sometimes very difficult to thank those who are significant in our lives…our parents, our mates, our children, and even our boss and co-workers.

It’s also difficult to say thanks when we are afraid of being dependent on anyone…or obligated to anyone. This is the time to feel the fear and say thanks anyway! Also, many of us find it difficult to say thank you because we think we give much more than we receive. Sometimes this is true. And I’m not someone who finds footprints on the face very attractive! But sometimes we think we are giving more than we get simply because we fail to notice how much we are given!

What We Find When We Look Deeply

A self-made person is a myth. Not one person has found any kind of success without the support of other people. We hear a lot about self-made millionaires who worked their way to success. But those millionaires did not do it by themselves. Sure they put in the hard work and effort, but there were always other people who contributed to their success. It is pure arrogance to think that any of us has made it alone.

In End the Struggle the Struggle and Dance With Life, Susan paraphrased a story from philosopher Noah benShea: A little boy goes to a parade with his father. In order for the little boy to see, his father hoists him up on his shoulders. As the parade passes by, the little boy keeps telling his father how spectacular are the passing sights. He gets so arrogant about his wonderful view that he mocks those who see less. “If only you could see what I can see…” But what the boy doesn’t understand is why he could see. If the boy had realized his advantage, he could have been grateful for the boost his father gave him instead of getting cocky.

In your own life, do you recognize the people who have helped to lift you up along the way? Do you feel grateful towards them and all the people who are supporting you now?

Susan said, “The truth is that when we look back on all our achievements, we see that we have done NOTHING on our own. That should humble us a bit!”

Let’s take a look at who those people are. There is your family, to begin with. Then teachers, mentors, friends, counselors, and so many more who have been there for you while you put in the work towards achieving your goals. Susan wrote, “You really begin to stand tall when you realize how many shoulders you are standing on; you also feel richer in spirit. And just as importantly you are less of a burden and more of a giant as you acknowledge the contribution that others make to your life.”

But there is even more we can do to understand just how much we rely on other people. In End the Struggle, Susan also introduces us to the idea of “Look Deeply.” This exercise teaches us to look deeper into all the anonymous support that goes into making our lives run smoothly.

“Most of us only skim the surface when we look at what life gives to us,” Susan said. “This is why we habitually take things for granted and miss the miracle of it all. For example, there was a time in my life when I used to walk into a supermarket and think what a chore it was. I’m sure many of you understand exactly what I am talking about!… By learning to look deeply, I was able to transform dealing with a chore in the supermarket into many exquisite moments.”

Here’s an an example of how “Look Deeply” works: When you go into a market, see all the items that are there for you to choose from. Not only the amount of choices you have, but how they are displayed to be pleasing to the eye. As you make your selections, think about the clerks who work hard to keep up the full shelves and displays. Think about the farmworkers who worked hard to grow the ingredients for your favorite foods, then think about the packers who made sure your lettuce, fruit, and chicken were packaged so that you could eat them fresh and undamaged. Think about the transport operators and truck drivers who got all these wonderful items to the store so that you could have your pick of food and nourishment. You can look deeper and deeper at all the people who worked hard for you to have the wonderful choices the supermarket offers.

“We could be there all day and couldn’t look deeply enough to encompass the miracle of it all! When you look at the supermarket in this way, it is a monumentally large gift that we have been given.”

When you feel grateful for the teacher who inspired you, the aunt who encouraged your dreams, the friends who sympathized with your set-backs—the people you know who supported you—don’t forget to look more deeply into the people who work behind the scenes to make your life more convenient and fruitful.

“The more appreciative we become, the more humble we become, which is a good thing,” Susan wrote. “Arrogance is very hard to live with, whether it’s in others or in ourselves! We also feel less impoverished or a victim when we are aware of all the blessings we receive from other people in our world. When we have this awareness, we feel part of a larger whole, a network of caring, a network of people standing on each other’s shoulders. How blessed we are.”

When we stop taking people for granted, when we stop taking anything for granted, we know that we stand on the shoulders of the people we know and those that we don’t—everyone who has assisted us along the way. Next time you are feeling low, think of how much help you really have and you will be humbled and delighted, knowing you are supported wherever you are.

You Always Have a Choice in How You Feel

Lesson Seven of taking responsibility for our own experiences states that we must be aware of the multitude of choices we each have in any given situation. This statement makes it sound easy, but putting it into practice is hard—especially when our obligations seem to overwhelm us, our friends are being self-centered, or long-cherished plans fall through. Yet it is just at these times when Lesson Seven really makes the most sense. Susan gave us a number of examples in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway of how to keep in mind that we always have a choice:

Your friend decides not to go with you on the trip you had planned together. You’re really angry…or you understand she has her reasons, and you find someone else to share the trip, or you go alone and have a ball!

Your husband is an alcoholic. You spend your whole life trying to change him or scold him…or you attend Al-Anon meetings and learn to change yourself.

Your flu has caused you to miss the big meeting you were scheduled to attend. You are sure this means the end of your whole career…or you realize you have limitless ways of creating a successful career for yourself.

Your visit to sunny California is filled with torrents of rain. You lament your bad luck for the entire trip…or you find ways to make it a great vacation anyway.

These are just a few examples of how Lesson Seven can work for you. Think about the time most recently when you were upset or disappointed or hurt, then think about how you could have changed your thinking. Next time a similar situation arises, you can help yourself to react more positively.

The Seven Lessons of Responsibility

In this month’s newsletter article, we are talking about taking responsibility. In Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan wrote about taking responsibility for not only our “experiences in life,” but even more importantly for our “experiences of life.” She talks about the Seven Definitions of Responsibility to help us do that. Here are all seven definitions that will help you take control of your own feelings.  Keep this list handy to help you remember how to take control of your own experiences, especially when the world is getting you down.

Seven Ways to Reclaim Your Power

1. Avoid casting blame on an external force for your bad feelings about life. Nothing outside yourself can control your thinking or your actions.

2. Avoid blaming yourself for not being in control. You are doing the best you can, and you are on the way to reclaiming your power.

3. Be aware of when and where you play the victim role. Learn the clues that tell you that you are not being responsible for what you are being, having, doing, or feeling.

4. Familiarize yourself with your biggest enemy—your Chatterbox. Use the exercises throughout this book to replace it with a loving internal friend.

5. Figure out the payoffs that keep you “stuck.” Paradoxically, once you find them, you will probably be able to quickly become “unstuck.”

6. Determine what you want in life and act on it. Stop waiting for someone to give it to you. You’ll be waiting a long time.

7. Be aware of the many choices you have—in both actions and feelings—in any situation that comes your way. Choose the path that contributes to your growth and makes you feel at peace with yourself and others.

Creating Your Own Misery, Creating Your Own Joy

We all know the feeling—angry, upset, and sad because the world is making our life less than perfect. Our boss is mean, our friends aren’t there for us, other drivers cut us off in traffic, the store clerk was rude, we got a surprise bill from the electric company. On and on, we have so many miseries that are not our fault.

Susan wrote in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, “We all have a tendency to look around for someone to blame if things are not working out to our liking.” Blaming others of things outside our control means we are not taking responsibility for ourselves. Blame makes us into an injured party who has no control, who lets the world beat them down, who doesn’t respect themselves, who lives in misery.

In Chapter 4, “Whether You Want It or Not…It’s Yours,” Susan talks a lot about taking responsibility for our own lives. As adults, we often feel that we are burdened with lots of responsibility. But responsibility for your day-to-day living is far different than taking responsibility for how you react to your day-to-day living.

Sometimes it is hard to tell when we aren’t taking responsibility for how react. After a bad day, it’s easier to be mad at the world than it is to reconsider our feelings. So we blame. We blame others, the Universe, even ourselves…wallowing in our role as victim. “The point to remember is that when you blame any outside force for any of your experiences of life, you are literally giving away all your power and thus creating pain, paralysis and depression,” Susan said.

Taking responsibility means respecting ourselves, means having sympathy for any perceived wrongs, means acknowledging any setbacks and making plans for moving forward.

Stop for a second, right now, and consider where in your life you aren’t taking responsibility. Are you angry at a supervisor for passing you over for promotion? Are you upset with your child for getting into trouble at school? Are you mad at your ex-partner for breaking up with you? There are so many ways, some of them very subtle, for us to wallow in our Lower-Self emotions of blame, hurt, anger, and disappointment.

Susan said, “The truth is that you really are in control—in total control. For some reason, you are consciously or unconsciously choosing to be in that lousy job, you are choosing to hate the single life, you are choosing to let your daughter drive you crazy, you are choosing to sabotage anything good in your life…or whatever else it may be for you. I know it is difficult to accept the fact that you are the cause of the feelings that take away your joy in life. It is very upsetting when you begin to see yourself as your own worst enemy. On the other hand, this realization is your biggest blessing.”

If you know you can create your own misery,
it stands to reason that you can also create your own joy.

When we claim our responsibility, we also claim our mastery over the experiences in our lives and can face our fears and move past them.

In Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan offers seven definitions to reclaim our power. The first two are most relevant here as they are about taking responsibility instead of blaming.

First lesson: Never blame anyone else for anything you are being, doing, having, or feeling. Making other people responsible for your feelings will always leave you in a place of pain and fear. With responsibility also goes control. When you own up to your own thoughts, feelings and deeds, you will soon find how much more powerful you can be.

“Until you fully understand that you, and no one else, create what goes on in your head, you will never be in control of your life.”

Second lesson: Do not blame yourself. If you can’t blame others and you can’t blame yourself, who can you blame? As silly as this sounds, it is how a lot of us think deep down. It comes with a misguided belief that the world is reasonable. When we blame ourselves, we are telling ourselves that we were wrong, that we made bad decisions, that we are messing up. But that is not taking responsibility for ourselves.

“It is important to understand that you have always done the best you possibly could, given the person you were at any particular time.”

It can be liberating when we take responsibility for our own reactions to the world. It may sound like an oxymoron but taking responsibility for our own choices frees us from sadness, self-pity, and all those victim-like feelings. When we choose to feel empowered, we are taking control and respecting ourselves. We are creating our own joy.

Fully taking responsibility for your experience of life is a long process
that requires much practice. The point is simply to begin. You will start to feel better immediately.