Tom Clempson's Blog, page 5
September 3, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
There once was a man named Joe Tissit,
He was kind of dull and average,
Not too much to say about him really,
He… http://t.co/Uzl6RhNu #
A lion spotted in Essex?!! How did I not know about this?! It's insane! LIONS DON'T HAVE SPOTS!!!!! #
But I still use the mobile phone as a last resort. I hunt & search through the supermarket & THEN I phone-
"Where ARE you???!!!! Grrrr!" #
Not only is it one of my favourite books, but the audiobook is also brilliant (listened to it for 5th time today) – The Princess Bride #
I don't get it. If you're parked in this space and read that sign then surely it should begin "Screw you for not…" http://t.co/tHj05GhE #
Theo was jealous of the attention Matilda was getting when she fell over. So he head-butted the floor and came running for cuddles. #
Related posts:The Journal: 2
Last Week’s Tweets
Last Week’s Tweets
August 27, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
Here they come…
Are you ready?
Because the huge freakin', oversized spider season is upon us! Our house is overrun! #
I don't know what's wrong with me. I counted today… I'm writing five books all at the same time! Literally…. http://t.co/1MgGK8iV #
Goodbye Nina Bawden – my favourite childhood author
“@bbcentertain: Author Nina Bawden dies aged 87 http://t.co/SvlAcDjA” #
I enjoy 'New Girl' a lot, but I have a horrible feeling that there are no lenses in Jess's glasses. Is this true @ZooeyDeschanel ? IS IT??!! #
I got my GCSE results (16 years ago)! Two D's for Science, E for Maths, B for English…
Good luck kids! #
Glad to see Gwen Stefani in her proper 'No Doubt' form. I couldn't stand her solo diva phase. #
Matilda: "I know what you dreamed about last night daddy – marshmallows, chocolate cake and mummy" #
In 2007 I finally backed down and agreed to have readings at our wedding (I don't like readings & speeches) on… http://t.co/ZqkSDAN1 #
Conversation I just overheard.
Mr: The front of the house is very nice too
Mrs: Isn't THIS the front?
Mr: There's another one round the back #
I'm struggling to think if a time that I haven't been mean to someone on twitter (in a nice way) #
Related posts:Last Week’s Tweets
Last Week’s Tweets
Last Week’s Tweets
August 20, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
Last night I dreamt that I pooped in my pants. #
It's raining in Hobbiton today http://t.co/pcdXrjH6 #
I'm quite surprised by how so many people are obsessed with gaining Twitter followers.
(please RT. PLEASE!!! I nearly have 511!) #
Just been to see my Dr. He's good. I like good Drs, they're good. Not too keen in bad Drs though. In my experience they're generally bad. #
Note to woman in front. When your parking sensor goes BEEEEEEEEP!!!!!! It means "you're too close" not "stop here & block him in" #
I am now going to tape my phone to said lady's face, just to be sure that she got my last tweet… #
Dear Tom Clempson,
I am tweeting you from your own phone (it's taped to my face).
Lots of love,
Lady who blocked you in. #
"Booking essential… Booking fee applies" I bet there's a non-negotiable entrance tax & compulsory 6% viewing fee too http://t.co/8X1dxFO4 #
Oh. Dear. Poo. Twitter is telling me that I no longer follow ANYONE!!!! How do I fix this???!!! Stupid Twitter! #
May be a false alarm. It's also telling me I have no followers and no tweets. So, if that's true, I'm just writing this to myself… #
Related posts:Last Week’s Tweets
Last Week’s Tweets
Last Week’s Tweets
August 13, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
There was a man and a dog and a very long lead
There was a path that was really quite wide
There was a guy who… http://t.co/Snafpag5 #
Dressage. Dressage??? DRESSAGE?????!!!!!
We won a gold medal for horsey humiliation #
How has she managed to make LAUNDRY look cute?!
http://t.co/yBdJzCHH #
Observation of the day: I'm 32 years old. That means I'm closer to being a teenager than I was when I was born…. http://t.co/GUcXyNSM #
German Vs UK: which cover do you prefer?
https://t.co/nDwkS3US #
Ooh RT“@amy_geek: New post: The time I received a coffin and zombie in the mail and it made me cry: http://t.co/np7q8RqF …" @MackandSaund #
Related posts:When You Don’t Even Know The Title of Your Own Book
Last Week’s Tweets
How Did I Forget???!!!
August 8, 2012
It’s Like Poetry, But Crap
A round-up of all my best poems…
A round-up of all my mediocre poems…
A round-up of all my poems of last month.
Some words I wrote.
I ate some porridge
It spilled on my nipple
Silly nipple
It looked like a leaf
But it wasn’t a leaf
It was dog poo
(I’m seriously considering sticking with this poetry thing)
The cabbages are chasing me!
They won’t leave me alone
Their putrid stench is haunting me!
Or maybe it’s just that scabby old lady sat at the table next to me.
Sometimes it’s chilly
Sometimes it’s hot
And sometimes it’s one of those stupid days when you’re constantly taking your jumper on and off, messing up your hair and knocking your glasses all wonky
Silly nipples
I saw a dog
It made me laugh!
Some dogs are funny
Most aren’t
No related posts.
August 6, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
I'm thinking of applying for next Olympics gymnastics. Falling off the pommel horse is my signature move. I can do it non stop! #olymics2012 #
I'm now officially the coolest guy in the coffee shop!
(Just went to drink my iced americano without looking & got the straw up my nose) #
Is Twitter an NBC puppet? Death threats to Olympians is OK, but tweeting an already published NBC email address isn't? http://t.co/MmcV9Hwj #
4 hours of sleep last night, but still managing to stick to my 1 coffee a day! #amwriting #amnotsleeping #
You know it's not going to be an enjoyable banana when the skin SNAPS because it's so unripe. #
Microsoft Word decided to crash. Lost the last hour and a half of work, even though I was saving every 10 minutes! #
Related posts:Last Week’s Tweets
Last Week’s Tweets
Last Week’s Tweets
On This Day… 7 Yrs Ago
06/08/05
On This Day… 7 Years Ago
It was my brothers/’s 28th & 30th birthday/s (they have their birthdays on the same day, but two years apart. I know, MENTAL!) Me and Laura had spent most of the year out of work, apart from maybe one day a week working as extras on Hollyoaks. We were also painting pictures and selling them on a very infrequent basis for not very much money at all. In our copious spare time we both decided to turn the weird ideas in our heads into books. You know, just for fun. I finished my manuscript and shelved it. Laura got about one third of the way through hers, sent out some sample chapters to an agent who showed lots of interest, asked her to make a few changes and send it back. I was very impressed by this and also very slightly extremely jealous. There was about to be an author in the family (okay, we weren’t exactly a family then, just boyfriend and girlfriend) and it wasn’t going to be me. Except Laura never bothered making those changes or sending it back to her potential agent. Things could have been so different!
On this day we went down to my parent’s house (either by train or some generous member of my family kindly drove the eight hour round trips to pick us up and drive us back to Manchester). We had a barbecue late in the evening, sat out until it was dark, made dragon noses from paper cups, stuck skewers in our hair, then had lightsaber fights and messed around with the slow release shutter on Laura’s digital camera (digital camera were still quite a novelty to us in 2005).
Just your average family BBQ.
The end.
Related posts:My Week By Numbers
August 1, 2012
Observations of the Month
A collection of some of my earth-shattering observations from the past month…
Small boys wrongly assume that getting told off is something that DECREASES with age. (Just saw an old man getting bollocked by his wife).
Slobbing out in front of the TV seems that bit more lazy when you’re watching the planets fittest people competing with each other.
Observation of the Day: When cooking dinner, if you taste your food from a WOODEN spoon, it makes you feel like a pro (unless you spit it back out and go “Bleurghh! My cooking sucks!”)
Hot Pants aren’t quite so “hot” when there’s 3 inches of saggy buttock hanging out the back. (But that’s just my opinion)
You know in Heroes, (that tv series where people discover they have special powers), and there’s that black guy that never speaks, and that everyone refers to as The Haitian, well… how do they KNOW he’s Haitian?!! He never speaks! They know nothing about him! Are these people all blessed with powers of being really good guessers of ethnic origin?
(I know, it was more of a question/rant than an observation, but, hey…)
Observation of the Day: That cat was actually a pigeon.
Related posts:Last Week’s Tweets
July 30, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
http://t.co/On8kXSxw #
The wait is over! 1st word of German OSMUW has now been unleashed upon the world…
Schwanzschmarzen
Translate it here
http://t.co/Sz4CwBc7 #
"dick hurt Tail very bad pain. So right now I'm not really a tail- ache…"
Jack Samsonite translated from German #
Ah, the old "tie Olympic torch to top of London Eye" trick. They obviously learned from my mistake.
http://t.co/wh9Akvue #
Observation of the day: You know in Heroes, (that tv series where people discover they have special powers), and… http://t.co/sWWKF0Na #
Future child: "What's a library?"
Future adult: "Look it up in a dictionary"
Future child: "What's a dictionary?!" #savelibraries #
Look what I got in the post! http://t.co/P5nkQkXE #
Only 999,494 to go until I have 1 million followers!
Sooo close. #
As of today, the girl from #Altrincham craft market can also be found at notonthehighstreet! Well done @cupcakes4clara http://t.co/fu24PAPl #
Observation of the day: Hot Pants aren't quite so "hot" when there's 3 inches of saggy buttock hanging out the… http://t.co/pnAiYSMs #
Dear @CostaCoffee PLEASE stop blending your iced coffees! We pay for medium but it shrinks to THIS… http://t.co/RHhrBDH5 #
Observation of the Day: When cooking dinner, if you taste your food from a WOODEN spoon, it makes you feel like a… http://t.co/EntgBkky #
If you see me tweeting anything rude, offensive, or just downright annoying, it's best to assume my Twit account's been hacked.
(it hasn't) #
I'm like some kind if guru or something.
RT "@loltergeist: @tomclempson @sisterspooky always the voice of mature wisdom Tom." #
In Costa. Trying to write. But my old school chum @lukeconcannon is singing loudly (& beautifully) on the stereo & putting me off. Shh Luke! #
This is my brother, Ben. Not the best video, but he's still one of the best guitarists I've ever seen! http://t.co/JYlHBWk0 #
I think @AidanBurleyMP just did more damage to his party than this pic will ever do http://t.co/U8AgPnbT #
Waiting up for Team GB at 12am. Not sure why. I'm predicting athletes + walking + flag. (Seen that before somewhere) #
Despite this picture, he isn't the one who comes across as the nazi of the night @AidanBurleyMP http://t.co/61z64xjr #
Only 16 mins Togo #
Why aren't they SPRINTING then POLE VAULTING up that hill? #DlowestAthletesEver #2012LondonOlympics #
So, who are these guys in white? #
Do you think Danny Boyle forced the Arctics drummer to wear that shell suit? #
What the holy hell…????!!!! #
Do you think Danny Boyle forced him to sing out if key? #
Did Elliot die?!! #
Just bring on Harry & his broom to light the thing already #OpeningCeremony #
Danny Boyle wanted the ceremony to start at night so it'd look good in the dark. Would look even better if my eyes were open! #pastbedtime #
Those copper petals are so damn multicultural #
The show ain't over till the old lady sings.
Oh… She's WHO??!!!!! #
It's all about people of the world coming together.
Well, it was until…
"Just the men!" #
Observation of the Day: Slobbing out in front of the TV seems that bit more lazy when you're watching the planets… http://t.co/6VuIX03r #
Related posts:Last Week’s Tweets
July 23, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
And wet. #
Clearly they haven't been reading my Facebook page
“@GuardianBooks: Poem of the week: Legacies by Peter Sirr http://t.co/XJaIGYHR” #
#LessViolentFilms (medium to low) Heat #
#LessViolentFilms Really, Really, Genuinely Lovely Goodfellas #
Enthusiastic tweeting at its best!
RT“@SwiftySaysYes: @xsophenia omfg, one seriously messed up week is seriously funny. Like omfg. Wtf.” #
12 months on & there's still love for Jack Samsonite!
RT“@xsophenia: @tomclempson holy sweet jesus I love your book ok its the best thing” #
BREAKING NEWS: Summer is here!!! http://t.co/orskXqVU #
Computer somehow managed to delete 1000 words of yesterday's writing overnight. Not a happy start to my day. #
No it didn't! I was wrong! Great start to my day! Woohoooo! #
My name is not Phyllis. #
1000 word in 2 hours! Woooooh! #
I'm not feeling angry about anything. #
Observation: small boys wrongly assume that getting told off is something that DECREASES with age. #JustSawOldManGettingBollockedByHisWife #
Good morning world! How is your toe? #
I saw a dog
It made me laugh!
Some dogs are funny
Most aren't #
Observation of the Day: If you play awesomely cool music on your headphones on your walk into school/work it… http://t.co/ZKwCd8sC #
Related posts:Last Week’s Tweets
Last Week’s Tweets
