Tom Clempson's Blog, page 4
January 20, 2013
Ask Jack
Ever wanted to have a conversation with a fictional character? Imagine if you could ask Gandalf what his favourite flavour jelly is, or if you could ask Batman how he felt about being in Batman and Robin, or if you could ask Hermione and Harry if they wish they’d ever gotten it on?
Well, now’s your chance to do a really much less exciting version of all of those things! Yes, Jack Samsonite will soon be appearing in an exclusive interview (not for this blog, but more on where at a later date), and there is an opening for a few guest questions. So if there is anything you fancy talking to Jack about, anything - about his personal life, about why he writes his stupidly long diaries, about his latest messed-up weekend… anything – then send a question this way before next Monday (Jan 28 2013). Your question can be in the comment box below, as an email via the contact me page, or even as a tweet or a facebook comment. Just get it to me by next week for a chance to be included in the interview.
Happy question thinking!
Have fun, be creative,
Related posts:
Where do I disappear to? And where’s Jack 2?
The New Face of Jack Samsonite
Jack Samsonite 2 Has Left the Building
January 13, 2013
Here’s The Pitch
‘Here’s the Pitch’ is a post inspired by a twitter conversation between Viv from serendipityreviews.co.uk and Andrew Hall from pewterwolf
Viv wrote this tweet: #bbpBox_288994064450326530 a { text-decoration:none; color:#589ED2; }#bbpBox_288994064450326530 a:hover { text-decoration:underline; }Been asked to come up with some ideas for a script about zombies. You know how that pains me Twitter. #hateszombies
January 9, 2013 1:02 pm via HootSuiteReplyRetweetFavoriteVivienne Dacosta
Andrew wrote this reply: #bbpBox_289004342990749697 a { text-decoration:none; color:#BF1238; }#bbpBox_289004342990749697 a:hover { text-decoration:underline; }@January 9, 2013 1:42 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavoriteAndrew Hall
Then I thought this: #bbpBox_289012777438289922 a { text-decoration:none; color:#0084B4; }#bbpBox_289012777438289922 a:hover { text-decoration:underline; }@January 9, 2013 2:16 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite
And then my brain wouldn’t leave me alone until I’d written this down…
Title: Bunheads of the Dead
The hook: Zombies do ballet (what’s not to like?!)
The pitch: The war against the undead has been dragged out for far too long. People have tired of it. Most of the population are at war, the remainder (those too feeble to pick up a weapon) are left to run the country. Electricity is on its way out. Supermarkets are gone. And luxuries of the soul, like entertainment, are all but a distant memory. Worldwide morale is at an all time low. Until… Bernard Hopwell MP (Basingstoke) comes up with a jolly splendid idea!
“If we can’t beat them, we can certainly utilise some of their slower and more feeble ones in our factories, power stations entertainment industry.”
Bring on the Shufflers. ‘The Shufflers’ are what is left of the first generation of the zombie uprising. Unlike the newly evolved ‘Sprinter’ breed, the shufflers are now considered to be, in Bernard Hopwell’s words, ‘relatively harmless, (if managed from a distance and fitted with the appropriate muzzles and leashes).’
With TV and radio once again up and running, Zombies are soon the stars of every show. But before long the nation begins to tire of crass fodder like ‘The Z-Factor’, ‘Zombie Wipeout’, and ‘The Weakest Limb’ and a yearning for culture becomes an insatiable thirst – a thirst that only two people can quench…
Margot Hetfield and Dorothy Bainbridge, formerly of the Women’s Institute, have never produced a ballet before. Nor have they ever had creative control over three dozen zombies. So, when they are entrusted with the task of helming a full scale production of Swan Lake With Zombies they are faced with somewhat of a challenge. Nonetheless, they give it everything they’ve got (with varying degrees of success).
Most quotable line: Margot (picking fallen limbs from the stage) – “It’s useless, Dorothy! Useless! That was our third prima ballerina I’ve shot in the head this month!”
Anyone wishing to pay me large quantities of money to develop this idea… is an idiot.
Related posts:
The Worlds Best Ever Competioion in the World… Ever!
Last Week’s Tweets
My Week By Numbers
November 6, 2012
Discover What You’ve Been Missing
I’ve been looking around the world of blogs, seeing what there is to see, and can report that, despite the wealth of talent and the never ending fountain of information they provide, I was sadly left feeling a little empty inside, unfulfilled, as if the blogosphere were missing some vital ingredient required to further the existence of the human species. Luckily for all of us I have managed to put my finger on what exactly that missing ingredient is, and I am about to share it with you all…
My Top 5 Favourite Toilet Papers
The strength and general quality of bog roll never really bothered me much until I had kids. The whole phenomenon of bum-wiping was all a bit of a mystery, a bit like fishing for sharks with fluffy sheep – unless you have a camera submerged below all you see is something soft and fluffy going down below, something horrible then happens, and, if you choose to, you can hoik it back up and have a look as the ugly result. But when you have to wipe someone else’s bum, you actually see what happens to the paper when you wipe. So I have drawn on all of my bum wiping experience in order to bring you this – a must for all poo-paper enthusiasts.
1. Triple Velvet: It’s thick, it’s soft, and it’s strong – no disintegrating, no tearing, and you can usually get away with using 33% fewer sheets per wipe than the other brands. Plus, if you shop around you can usually get it at a bargain price (£3.99 for 18 rolls).
2. Cushelle: Soft and strong, but just misses out on the top spot when it comes to thickness.
3. Co-op soft cream toilet rolls: not perfect and sometimes tears or disintegrates on a moist plop, but softer and stronger than most.
4. Andrex with Shea Butter: This isn’t actually one of my favourites at all, I just wanted to put it in the list so that I could have a little rant about how crap it is. At first it seemed luxuriously soft and noticeably gentle, but, as with every other Andrex toilet roll, at the first sign of friction or moistness it just begins to crumble and tear. Total rubbish, and the most expensive on the list. How can anyone justify spending £6 on 9 rolls of something that they are going to smear in poo and flush down the toilet? This seems insane to me! We pay all this money for something and then we poo all over it! You could hire a bum-wiping-butler and his silken hankies for three minutes a day and still pay less than that!
5. Tesco Luxury: Not luxury. Fuxury. It’s the roughest, crumbliest loo-roll I’ve used in ages. And it’s not even a bargain price.
That is the end of my list. Your life is now complete.
P.S. Unfortuntely this list is not definitive (since I haven’t actually tested every brand of bog roll) so feel free to add any favourites/worsts of your own in the comments.
No related posts.
October 23, 2012
One Seriously Messed-Up Weekend… Cover Reveal
BOOK TWO IS UNVEILED!
I’m extremely pleased to announce that the cover for One Seriously Messed-Up Weekend is now on-line, and I REALLY like it!
It’s designed by the same awesomeness behind the cover of book 1 (www.the-parish.com who also designed the covers for Charlie Higson’s Young Bond and The Enemy books, Percy Jackson, Spud, and Meg Rosoff’s How I Live Now to name but a few) and it’s really rather cool. Take a look for yourself if you don’t believe me…
I have to admit, if I saw it on the shelf I’d have to pick it up. Now if only the inside were as good…
No related posts.
October 15, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
Built a trap last yr. Just been sat here waiting to catch evil. #
I've been enjoying #manmadehome on Channel 4. @Kevin_McCloud is the @theJeremyVine of the design world. #
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October 8, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
I was genuinely too big for my boots this morning. So I cut my toenails and now they fit again. #DisgustingButTrue #
Ooh, look, @cupcakes4clara is in Cross Stitcher magazine!
It's true, she does sew angry. http://t.co/ctre7GJI #
Today I drank tea in a coffee shop. I hadn't done this since 2007. I don't know why I remember that. #
Since it's National Poetry Day and stuff I thought I'd treat you all to a little slice of my genius… cake…. http://t.co/7Ugvfbg3 #
I fear that coffee may have been too strong…
THE ANGRY FIRE ANTS ARE DANCING ON MY BRAIN! #
HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY @midnightreads !!!!
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Writing Stuff
Last Week’s Tweets
October 1, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
Trying to convince my brain that he's not tired but he's not having any if it.
Stupid brain. #
I swear those "Automatic Doors", that actually only open if you press a button, were put on this planet to cause me public embarrassment. #
Definitely. Me too.
“@xsophenia: To actually see the northern lights – new item on my bucket list” #
Sainsburys: stating the obvious http://t.co/FTvsxuWS #
How often do others write tweets, then delete them in fear of sounding like a nob?
Or is it just me?
(& yes, I know, it isn't working) #
Toads.
You can't lick em.
You can't wear them in your head.
What's the point?
(That wasn't a poem) #
No related posts.
September 24, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
I just tripped over a twig.
A TWIG! #
This is the most I've tweeted in months! My thumb is feeling fatigued. #
It's a sad age we live in when the word "celebrity" makes you think "tasteless, image obsessed, desperate & shallow" #CelebrityCruises #
I need to remember to take a weewee break BEFORE I take my coat off, get laptop out, plug phone in & sit down in coffee shop with my drink #
Just discovered a twitter account that is pretending to be me (my info, my photo, my web link, MOSTLY my tweets too) what do I do??!!! #
I don't know if it's the changing fashion, or my changing age, but WHAT are some people THINKING when they choose those clothes?!?! #
I'm SOO honoured to be in this brilliant post “@Serendipity_Viv: Serendipity Reviews: Chuck a Book with Joanne Stapley http://t.co/ojCP5Gau” #
I stop to look at the picture of @ZooeyDeschanel in the paper and then I notice @Serendipity_Viv underneath her!
Nice work Viv! #
He said "novice axe men" not "nobbist axe men"
Stupid ears make the world a funnier place. #GrandDesigns #
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Last Week’s Tweets
Last Week’s Tweets
September 17, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
Looking back on my childhood I'm baffled as to why this husband & wife TV act ever used to freak the bejesus out of me http://t.co/uHbFcOmx #
Anyone know a good way to remove 6 yrs if ground-in filth from a dense shag carpet? Shampoo, stiff bristle brush & stain remover don't work! #
(I just said "shag" and "stiff" in a genuine, innocent and grown up tweet) #
In Drs waiting room. Crowded. Humid. Smelly. If I don't have anything yet, I will do soon. #
Do you think the film industry assumes that us public have never seen blood before? Why does movie-blood always look SO BAD??? #
Even though I've told her its BBQ style pizza she's still insisting its just burnt!
Ungrateful wife. #
I'm all for authors writing reviews for themselves, but why do it in secret? I'd love to read what they really think of their own work! #
Cover for my new book is being designed RIGHT NOW. I love it! #
#Downton Tom & Matthew have a bedroom meeting "It seems big, but it's not big"
Teehee! #
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Last Week’s Tweets
September 10, 2012
Last Week’s Tweets
I try to only tweet when I've got something vaguely interesting to say. Which is why I didn't bother writing this. #
Matilda (whilst I'm in shower) "Daddy! There's a shark gobbling you up! & a whale is eating your toes! And there's a walrus on your bottom!" #
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Last week’s Tweets
Last Week’s Tweets
