Michael Joe Armijo's Blog, page 66

The Beginnings - Part 132: IT WASN'T FAIR

The relationship between them was based on the solid principle of mutual acceptance and the ability to laugh together at almost everything.-Isabel AllendeTHE LOVERS, THE HOUSE OF THE SPIRITS
The Beginnings – Part 132:   IT WASN’T FAIR
Saturday, November 12, 1983
It is Saturday morning ‘now’ and Rick Clark did not bother to call me at the midnight hour.   I woke up and was in the mood for pedaling, so I hopped on my bike and ended up at the Radio Shack at South Shore Shopping Center.   I needed new batteries for my SONY headphone radio.   It started to rain but the drizzle felt rather refreshing.   I loved the drips.   The bike ride still felt physically good and refreshing with the fresh rainfall on my face.  I rode my bike directly to mom and dad’s house for a filling breakfast.   I decided to leave my bike there and accompanied my brother, John, with his friend, Marty (in Marty’s car).   I showered while back home and lounged in front of the TV with John.  
I dusted a bit and started watching THE HATFIELDS AND McCOY’S as John started to get dressed for work.
The phone rang.   It was Steve Sicarra.   He was the first to call me, so I agreed to go out.   I drove to Los Gatos and we walked around the Old Town together.   We ate at a place called STEAMERS and I ordered the Pacific Red Snapper.   Steve ate the shark.   We argued a bit about George Jones and Susan Low as I explained how I was alternating between the two relationships.   What could I say?   I was still trying to find the right fit for myself and I was attracted to both of them.   Steve argued, “It wasn’t fair for you to do that.”I tightened my lip and answered politely, “Well, it was as long as I knew I was being faithful.   In other words, I didn’t go beyond my limits.”“I still don’t agree.  You’re the first ‘sort of guy’ that I’ve really met who feels this way.”I asked, “Are you sure?”I almost felt like he really liked me because of it.   We continued our way through Old Town and had some Black Cherry yogurt.   We ate it in my car.   I shared my first gay experience with ‘Craig from Palm Springs’ (circa 1979) and how we met on the beach in Oahu.He laughed and said, “That’s great!”I think the story of us on the lifeguard deck excited him.  
After finishing-up our yogurt in my car I started to drive.   I drove by T.D.’s, the singles bar and attempted an entrance.   We did make it inside without our ID’s being requested and danced for a while.   We watched the video screen and the nearby pool game that was going on.   Steve was drinking a coke and grenadine while I sipped on a glass of white wine.   By 11PM we had left.   I dropped Steve at his temporary pad.   We exchanged a friendly good-night.Steve said, “I’ll call you.”“Okay,” I smiled.He is really still getting over his situation with Scott (George’s former manager at WHEREHOUSE RECORDS).   He is moving out from the apartment he shared with Scott and is looking for a new place.   We had a pleasant time.   He’s kind of on the quiet side.   He’s rather introverted and I often wondered what he could be thinking as I knew his brain was on overdrive.   I did enjoy sharing this evening with him though.

(Years later, I learned that Steve married a woman and had about four or five kids.)
When I arrived home at around midnight I showered and called mom.“Hi Mom.   I just called to say good-night.”She was happy to hear from me.   I asked about any breathtaking news but she didn’t have anything to report.   There was no news.   No news can be good news.I had a cup of tea and went to bed.
“If you are cold, tea will warm you.   If you are too heated, it will cool you.   If you are depressed, it will cheer you.  If you are excited, it will calm you.”-William Gladstone, 1809-1898British Prime Minister

The Beginnings - Part 131: THE MUTUAL FEEL VIBRATIONS

It had always seemed to me that our love was just the kind to endure.-Ian McEwanENDURING LOVE
The Beginnings – Part 131:  THE MUTUAL FEEL VIBRATIONS
November 11, 1983
Jim Hartman (of Martinez) left a message for me at work.  I returned his call.Jim said, “Hi Mike, I just wanted to know if you were still ‘ON’ with Tammy for tonight.”“Yes,” I replied.I actually thought I was still ‘ON’ with Tammy at the time he asked me the question. 
During my lunch hour Tammy confirmed our date.   We had plans for dinner at her mom’s house followed by drinks at GALLAGHER’s in Jack London Square and dancing in The City at ECHO BEACH.
I called Paloma and she was in a good mood.“I enjoyed being with you last night.”I said, “Me too.”I felt so much in luscious lust and love, too.
Steve Sicarra also left a message for me at work.   I called him twice.  When I finally caught him he said, “I wanted to see if we could go out on Saturday.”I was surprised by his call.   Steve was the boyfriend of George’s ex-boss at the WHEREHOUSE RECORDS in Sunnyvale.   He was the one who told me to not waste my time with George anymore.     I knew Paloma might be calling after her wedding anniversary party.   We had hopeful plans to see THE ROAD WARRIOR ‘or something’.   I couldn’t commit to an outing with Steve. 
After enjoying a NATION’s burger and a shake at mom’s house I came home and decided to give Rick Clark a call.   I wanted to find out what plan he may have for tonight.   Rick said, “Oh, me and some friends are going up to Oakland for a dinner party or something.”“Oh, okay.”“Maybe we can do something tomorrow night.”“All right…that sounds good,” I replied.   I thought, “Later…man.”I guess I felt this way because I actually heard from Jim Hartman again.   He was at the HUB in Walnut Creek.   Jim was thinking of me.   Rick wasn’t because he would have tried to call me.   I was thinking I didn’t need any of this and I simply wanted Paloma to call me for Saturday evening.
Mom and Dad called to invite me over for a snack and a movie.   Instead, I chose to tune in to body toning and music.   I thought I might just stay home with a glass of milk and cookies.   Barbara Reynolds had suggested the magic of the milk and cookies while at work today.   I liked the idea.
I faced ‘Miss Plastic’ (Tammy) by politely telling her I was too tired to go out after all.   She was a bit burned-up at first; however, she settled down and claimed not to be mad over it.Tammy said, “Due to you…my Friday night has been blown!”I thought, “What a bitch.”I recalled how I had called her that one evening and she wasn’t available for me.   I know that girl is not worth my time now.   I said, “Listen…I’m going to nap now for a while.   Maybe we can go out later.”She was on the defensive and said, “No, I have other plans.  Don’t expect me to leave any evening open for any man!   I don’t wait on any man.”I answered, “Fine.”Our so-called friendly conversation was disconnected.
On this same night while talking to Jim Hartman I explained how much Paloma meant to me.Jim asked, “Why don’t you take it slow?”“You think so?”“Yes, you don’t want to scare her away.  It will…or it can only work out for the best.”I valued Jim’s opinion to a certain extent. 
In addition, while speaking to Rick Clark on this evening I recalled how he had said, “I will call you tonight around midnight.”We shall see about that.
Steve had said, “I will call you tomorrow morning.”I’m undecided.   I know I’ve decided that I don’t want to drive in the direction of Campbell (where Steve lives) this weekend.
I have actually been lounging around the house all evening in my ‘undies’ and white terry cloth robe.   I feel ever so comfortable and free.   I only wish I could have gone out with Paloma again.  At least when we spoke this evening Paloma said, “I can’t wait to see you again.”Of course she said it after I had said it.   I do love the mutual feel vibrations I get from this beautiful twenty-four year old woman from Paris.
I am somewhat sore from working out on free weights.   I will be persistent on devoting more time to improving the tone of my body.   I especially feel this way after Paloma had said, “I like to feel your chest.”I’d sure like to feel her chest now.
Now she, like her vegetables, had put down a root.-Ian McEwanENDURING LOVE

The Beginnings - Part 130: HANDSY...AT THE I-BEAM

The construction of sexuality:  a distinct field of personhood, linking affective desires and physiological responses in a matrix that was central to the definition of one’s personhood, was initially a distinctly bourgeois production.-George ChaunceyGAY NEW YORK

The Beginnings – Part 130:  HANDSY…AT THE I-BEAM
Tuesday, November 10, 1983
Paloma did call me after all.   She shared the details of her busy day.   There was the veterinarian, the dentist, the hospital visit to the fifteen year old girl with the appendectomy.   We also confirmed our date tonight.   We may go to the I-BEAM in San Francisco now.   I hope it turns out for the best.   In other words, I hope to find myself in her arms for most of the evening.   “Thank you again for sending me those cards, Michael.”We summed up our conversation when I said, “Until tomorrow.”I hit-the-sack…Yawn.
The work day finally passed and I was looking forward to my date with Paloma.  It was one hell of a rainy day though.   The news showed storm warnings with regard to driving over the Oakland Bay Bridge.   This was not good news with our arrangements to go to the I-BEAM club in The City. 
I met Paloma at Ashby and San Pablo Avenue.   It made it easier than trying to find the house in the Berkeley Hills.   She got into my car and I drove to San Francisco.   Our topics of conversation included the crappy weather, Lisa’s appendicitis, her dental surgery and how ecstatic we both were at finally being together.   “I love your hair.   It even looks good when it’s messy.”She laughed and said, “Thanks a lot.”I didn’t mean for it to sound so unkind.   She knew that.   As far as her smoking I simply asked, “IF you have to do something with your hands why not just put them all over me?” She laughed.
It was nice hearing the RED RED WINE SONG by UB40 play at the I-BEAM club.   It was meant to be for them to play it while we were there.   Paloma said, “I do understand some of the words to this song.”We also walked along the Haight-Ashbury district, looking in at some of the shops.   She liked to peer in at the clothes in the windows.   We discussed Ann-Margret, Nastassja Kinski and Madeline Kahn.   It was funny because we had no idea of what to expect as far as what clothes we would wear.   After all, we met on Halloween night while I was wearing a diaper and she was in the Tarzan’s Jane get up.   She was so fashionable.   I think she thought I dressed pretty nicely, too.   I said, “I didn’t want to be too ‘handsy’ with my hands all over you.”She said, “I appreciate that.”We laughed as she said, “I thought I was being too handsy with you.”“You did?” I asked.“Yes, I love touching your chest.”I loved her willingness to say how she felt.   That statement turned me on.   Her green eyes sparkled.  Our shirts glowed in the dark as we danced at the I-BEAM.   We had such an excellent, fun time together on this night.   The screwdriver cocktails were helpful in loosening up our feelings.   It was fun to see the video screen at the club as they played GIDGET GOES HAWAIIAN, THE BICYCLE and RICHARD NIXON.  
I drove over the Bay Bridge and reached Ashby and San Pablo easily.   We parked near her car and kissed ‘frenchly’ and divinely.   She ignites me.   I really think we are sparking into LOVE.   She left my car.   To our dismay we discovered that her passenger car window was bashed in and glass was scattered.   I carefully took the big pieces of glass out with the help of her Cheetah stuffed animal.   It was sad but a bit hysterical.   We kissed again.  
I arrived home at the exact same time that my brother, John, arrived from working at GALLAGHERS in Jack London Square.   I was sleeping as soon as I hit the pillow at 3AM.
Once, for almost a month, she had felt as if she were walking on air, all because a complete stranger, in the middle of that very square, had given her a flower.-Paulo CoelhoVERONIKA DECIDES TO DIE

The Beginnings - Part 129: HARD-TO-GET

Sometimes I worried that I wasn't a complete person, that I couldn't label myself.-Paul LisickyTHE LAWNBOY
The Beginnings – Part 129:  HARD-TO-GET
November 9, 1983
It happened at precisely seven-thirty in the morning.   Paloma called me.  She ‘faced me’ once again.   She was cancelling out on our date!   Paloma said, “Mrs. Walsh, the lady I live with, asked if I would take care of the little girl because she wouldn’t be home.”“I understand,” I said, feeling very disappointed.What else could I do but be the understanding chap that I am?   I woke up thinking I would finally see her.   She made a point of extending the date for Thursday though.  I agreed to the new forthcoming date.    I honestly don’t believe she is pulling any strings.  I know she’s not using me.   She seems too legitimate to me.   I drove off to work.
It was a sales day of over three-hundred dollars in revenue.   I shared lunch with Salima.   I treated her at the POT BELLI DELI.   I shared the office gossip with Salima about the third party call that was billed to the office from my telephone.   She took it lightly and confidentially.
I telephoned Rick Clark during my lunch break.   “Hey, I just got out of the shower and was planning on going to see that new RUMBLE FISH movie with my mom.”“Oh great, well enjoy it.   Let me know how you like it.”“That’s funny you called because I was going to call you and pretend to buy a phone.”I laughed and asked him, “Why didn’t you?”“Well, I thought I’d wait and play hard-to-get.”I laughed again as I pictured him drying himself off from his shower.   Little does he know that I tend to play the same game: hard-to-get. Rick said, “I’ll try and call you form work tonight.”
It’s tonight and so far ‘no phone call’.   Rick mentioned that his folks were going to L.A. this weekend and how it would be nice for me to come by for dinner.   I guess I will have to wait and see if he will call me.   I won’t be calling him again until I get some mutual positive feedback.
At 7:45PM I did receive a call from Jim in Martinez.   He shared the latest events while at skating last night.   I confessed, “I was there…but I was there early in the night and left.”He didn’t seem too thrilled to hear about Rick Clark, Paloma or Tammy.   I said, “It was no big deal.   I have a harmless date with Tammy on Friday and possibly Paloma on Saturday.”Jim said solemnly, “Well, if you should get free…give me a call.”
“Okay, I will.”It was hard for me to really lead him on in any positive way.   I’m just not attracted to him as I thought I was originally.
I worked out a little tonight.  My upper torso is beginning to feel a bit tight.   It’s a good feeling.   There is always room for bodily improvement.   I do want my body form to improve.   Maybe Rick and I will become closer friends, too.   I can use that SOLO FLEX that he speaks so highly about.
I am coming to another end of my exploratory diary book number two.   I wonder what story lines book three and four will unfold.   It’s going to be exited to read back on these many words someday.
I am watching DYNASTY now.   It was funny as I ponder the events of last Sunday.   Jim and I had wandered into some night club in San Francisco where it as all-male.   There were video screens showing singing groups in synchronicity with DYNASTY scenes.  I especially recall the part where Alexis and Krystal had a downright fight with pillow feathers blowing all over the place.   The Penthouse apartment memorabilia was flying all over the place.   It was kind of amusing to see this with the gay dance music going.
I telephoned Paloma during a love scene between Fallon and Jeff (John James) on DYNASTY.Paloma said happily, “I received the CAT EYES postcard and the other scenic card of San Francisco today.   Thank you!”“Oh good…I was wondering.”“It’s funny about the cat card because my cat was sick.  It was at the vet and I thought the cat was pregnant.   Oh…a friend is over here now, so I will call you back later tonight.”
I said, “Oh, okay.”I wondered to myself, “What friend?”
Helen Wong called me to provide directions to BOBBY McGEE’s in San Ramon for our planned outing tomorrow night.  I said, “Well, I’m expecting Paloma to call and we may go there together.”Of course, I was dreading the drive down to San Ramon.   I don’t know the area well and I’m not sure where I will be going.   Who knows?   Paloma and I may just choose to spend an intimate and romantic (hopefully) evening alone.  
I just wonder where all of these adventures with all of these people will end.   I want to see more of Paloma.   Will Rick Clark get in the way of things?   I want to see him more, too.   They’re both my ideal choices at this point.   While I enjoy my times with Tammy I find her to be too uncertain.   George seems to be a closed case.   Jim will be a good friend because that’s all I really want in relation to him right now.   Only time will tell.   You know…that line (Only time will tell) seems to recur throughout my writing entries.   Perhaps that will make for a good title when I collect my ideas and begin a novel format:  ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
I wonder also about Maria de Lourdes, my pen pal in Mexico.   Will that come to a close?   I need someone now and that someone seems to be Paloma.   All I have to do is get her to kick her gross smoking habit.   As for Nici…who knows?   Helen?  Would I have her baby?   It’s not likely at this point in my life.   I simply want happiness.   I want to live each day as if it were my last.   Only time will show and tell my rewarding experiences.   To be a happy man and please myself is without trying to impress or live up to others’ expectations.   The goal is to live for number one.   Number one is ‘me’. 
In the 1920s and the 1930s, especially, such men were also often called pansies, and the names of other flowers such as daisy and buttercup were applied so commonly to gay men that they were sometimes simply called “horticultural lads”.  Cary Grant’s famous line in the 1938 film BRINGING UP BABY played on several of these meanings as he leapt into the air, flounced his arms, and shrieked, “I just went gay all of a sudden,” not because he had fallen in love with a man, but because he was asked why he had put on a woman’s nightgown.-George ChaunceyGAY NEW YORK

The Beginnings - Part 128: A REAL FRENCH KISS

He felt as if he were about to cry, but the feeling was too unfamiliar to know for sure.-Christopher RiceA DENSITY OF SOULS
The Beginnings – Part 128:  A REAL FRENCH KISS
Helen accompanied me to the bank.   She has so much energy.
I fibbed to both Helen and Salima.  I shared the news about meeting the French girl, Paloma.I said, “Now I know what a real French kiss is like.” I don’t know if I will ever know.  Paloma cancelled our date.   Oh well...I called Paloma at 2PM and she said, “The fifteen year old house sister had her appendix taken out.”Now we have confirmed our date for tomorrow night.
After work I ate mom’s homemade lasagna.  I returned to my place and received my car payment invoice and a bill from SPIEGEL Catalog.    I don’t favor mail like that.   John was home and I allowed him to take my camera to the Warriors Basketball game.
After John left I started to work out with some cool tunes playing.   I took a break and decided to call on Tammy once again.   “What are you up to tonight?”  I asked.“Nothing much,” she answered.We had a good talk.   She was expecting, Jeff, her pal from Castro Valley to stop by at around nine o’clock.   “Why don’t we go out this Friday for a drink at GALLAGHER’s?” I asked“Okay,” she answered with a tone of surprise.“And maybe we can go dancing at ECHO BEACH after that.”“That sounds really nice.”“Are you going to the skating rink tonight?”“No.”While I continued to exercise I thought she might be going skating after all.   I had a feeling she may be lying.   I decided to see for myself.   I drove to San Leandro and I saw Frank Vasconcellos outside.   I remained seated in my car.Frank asked, “Why don’t you come inside?”“I don’t know.”“Come on…I want to talk to you.” And so, I went in.   I was happy because I saw no sign of George or Jim.   I did see the handsome Rick Clark.   We exchanged looks that seemed to lock.   We started to talk and went over to the pinball machines together.   There were a couple of friendly people who said hi to both Rick and me.    I could clearly feel that Rick was thinking of ‘me’ and I was thinking of ‘him’.   There was clearly an attraction.Rick finally said, “You know…I asked Sean about you.”Sean is a good friend of both Frank and Tammy.“That’s funny,” I replied, “Tammy and I were just talking about you, too.   I tried to look you up in the telephone directory but I found out that your phone number is non-published.”He nodded and wasn’t too forthright with giving his phone number.I finally said, “Why don’t we leave here early and go for a drink elsewhere.”He obliged me by saying, “Okay, I have no intentions of staying her all night.”When we decided to leave Rick went to take his skates off.   As he was removing his skates I saw George Jones!   I clearly saw that he noticed me, too.   Tom greeted me and kissed me.   Do I even know him very well?  That was strange.  It all happened in a matter of seconds as George came by and he said, “Hi.”It was awkward as I said, “Hi”.  I broke the ice further when I asked, “Did you receive the pictures I sent you?”“Yeah, my mom really liked them.”“Oh good.”
“You know…I have to talk to you.”I said, “Okay.”I motioned toward the doorway as I saw Rick still working on getting his skates off.George said, “A lot of things were going on with me and you really deserve someone better than me.”“I know,” I said in agreement, “At least it’s nice to know you haven’t totally blocked me out of your mind.”He left for a moment and quickly returned to say, “Wait, I’ll be right back.”Unfortunately, George doesn’t realize that he does not own me, so as soon as Rick was ready.   We left. Rick and I ate a waffle and a milkshake at LYON’s in Hayward.   We talked about Rick’s ex-boyfriend.   Rick is extremely handsome.  I also spoke of me ex along with other subjects like Frank, Tammy, Hawaii, Bora Bora and the AIDS dilemma.   We had a very good talk.   At the end of the evening we exchanged a mere peck of a kiss.   No, it was unfortunately not a real French kiss.He did give me his telephone number and said, “My folks are going to L.A. for the weekend.   Call me and maybe we can set up dinner.”I will call him.   He’s nice.
When I returned home John had a guilty look on his face.   He was fidgeting with my camera.   It kind of upset me because it was clear that the camera was broken in some way. “As long as you get it back to top form again,” I demanded.“It’ll be okay,” John replied, “Anyway…Paloma called you, she said she’d try calling you at seven-thirty tomorrow morning.”
I decided to call it a night; however, Paloma, Rick and a little bit of Tammy are all on my mind now.   I’m confused.   The phone rang at half past midnight.   I answered the phone but the unknown culprit hung-up.   Was it Rick?   Was it George?   Could it have been the bewildered Frank?  Was it Paloma?   Was it Jim?   I guess I will never know.
I hadn’t yet told her the truth about myself, for the secret seemed to be enormous.-Paul LisickyTHE LAWNBOY

The Beginnings - Part 128: A FRENCH KISS

He felt as if he were about to cry, but the feeling was too unfamiliar to know for sure.-Christopher RiceA DENSITY OF SOULS
The Beginnings – Part 128:  A REAL FRENCH KISS
Helen accompanied me to the bank.   She has so much energy.
I fibbed to both Helen and Salima.  I shared the news about meeting the French girl, Paloma.I said, “Now I know what a real French kiss is like.” I don’t know if I will ever know.  Paloma cancelled our date.   Oh well...I called Paloma at 2PM and she said, “The fifteen year old house sister had her appendix taken out.”Now we have confirmed our date for tomorrow night.
After work I ate mom’s homemade lasagna.  I returned to my place and received my car payment invoice and a bill from SPIEGEL Catalog.    I don’t favor mail like that.   John was home and I allowed him to take my camera to the Warriors Basketball game.
After John left I started to work out with some cool tunes playing.   I took a break and decided to call on Tammy once again.   “What are you up to tonight?”  I asked.“Nothing much,” she answered.We had a good talk.   She was expecting, Jeff, her pal from Castro Valley to stop by at around nine o’clock.   “Why don’t we go out this Friday for a drink at GALLAGHER’s?” I asked“Okay,” she answered with a tone of surprise.“And maybe we can go dancing at ECHO BEACH after that.”“That sounds really nice.”“Are you going to the skating rink tonight?”“No.”While I continued to exercise I thought she might be going skating after all.   I had a feeling she may be lying.   I decided to see for myself.   I drove to San Leandro and I saw Frank Vasconcellos outside.   I remained seated in my car.Frank asked, “Why don’t you come inside?”“I don’t know.”“Come on…I want to talk to you.” And so, I went in.   I was happy because I saw no sign of George or Jim.   I did see the handsome Rick Clark.   We exchanged looks that seemed to lock.   We started to talk and went over to the pinball machines together.   There were a couple of friendly people who said hi to both Rick and me.    I could clearly feel that Rick was thinking of ‘me’ and I was thinking of ‘him’.   There was clearly an attraction.Rick finally said, “You know…I asked Sean about you.”Sean is a good friend of both Frank and Tammy.“That’s funny,” I replied, “Tammy and I were just talking about you, too.   I tried to look you up in the telephone directory but I found out that your phone number is non-published.”He nodded and wasn’t too forthright with giving his phone number.I finally said, “Why don’t we leave here early and go for a drink elsewhere.”He obliged me by saying, “Okay, I have no intentions of staying her all night.”When we decided to leave Rick went to take his skates off.   As he was removing his skates I saw George Jones!   I clearly saw that he noticed me, too.   Tom greeted me and kissed me.   Do I even know him very well?  That was strange.  It all happened in a matter of seconds as George came by and he said, “Hi.”It was awkward as I said, “Hi”.  I broke the ice further when I asked, “Did you receive the pictures I sent you?”“Yeah, my mom really liked them.”“Oh good.”
“You know…I have to talk to you.”I said, “Okay.”I motioned toward the doorway as I saw Rick still working on getting his skates off.George said, “A lot of things were going on with me and you really deserve someone better than me.”“I know,” I said in agreement, “At least it’s nice to know you haven’t totally blocked me out of your mind.”He left for a moment and quickly returned to say, “Wait, I’ll be right back.”Unfortunately, George doesn’t realize that he does not own me, so as soon as Rick was ready.   We left. Rick and I ate a waffle and a milkshake at LYON’s in Hayward.   We talked about Rick’s ex-boyfriend.   Rick is extremely handsome.  I also spoke of me ex along with other subjects like Frank, Tammy, Hawaii, Bora Bora and the AIDS dilemma.   We had a very good talk.   At the end of the evening we exchanged a mere peck of a kiss.   No, it was unfortunately not a real French kiss.He did give me his telephone number and said, “My folks are going to L.A. for the weekend.   Call me and maybe we can set up dinner.”I will call him.   He’s nice.
When I returned home John had a guilty look on his face.   He was fidgeting with my camera.   It kind of upset me because it was clear that the camera was broken in some way. “As long as you get it back to top form again,” I demanded.“It’ll be okay,” John replied, “Anyway…Paloma called you, she said she’d try calling you at seven-thirty tomorrow morning.”
I decided to call it a night; however, Paloma, Rick and a little bit of Tammy are all on my mind now.   I’m confused.   The phone rang at half past midnight.   I answered the phone but the unknown culprit hung-up.   Was it Rick?   Was it George?   Could it have been the bewildered Frank?  Was it Paloma?   Was it Jim?   I guess I will never know.
I hadn’t yet told her the truth about myself, for the secret seemed to be enormous.-Paul LisickyTHE LAWNBOY

The Beginnings - Part 127: YOU HAVE SUCH AN ORIGINAL NAME

“Emotions don’t cost anything.  You have someone to go home to.  You have someone in your life.”-Candace BushnellSEX AND THE CITY
The Beginnings – Part 127:   YOU HAVE SUCH AN ORIGINAL NAME
I telephoned Paloma during my lunch hour.   I was excited because we made a tentative date.   Unfortunately, it didn’t work out though.   She was to call me at six o’clock.   She called at 5:45PM and said, “One of the girls that I take care of is sick…and I still don’t feel good.   Maybe we can go dancing on Wednesday.”I understood that she didn’t feel up to par.   She saved herself when she suggested another night.   I was happy about the anticipation of a Wednesday night out of dancing with her.   Paloma said, “There’s a place I know called EARL’s in San Francisco.”I have such fun talking to Paloma.   It’s so easy to talk to her.  I complimented her tonight by saying, “You know…you have such an ORIGINAL name.   I really like it.”We laughed as we discussed the clicking versus the beeping of CALL WAITING service.   We also talked about LEAN CUISINE dinners, coffee milkshakes, banana nut bread, and Monica’s sister who is having a party in Los Gatos on Tuesday.I was thrilled when she said, “I would invite you to Monica’s sisters’ party if you can go.”She is too sweet to be true.
My brother, John, and his friend, Geoff Rookard, came by to watch football.   I vented my distress to them:  “I got a twelve dollar BART Station Parking ticket…Shit!”John was so nice.  He received some good tips last night and handed me fifteen dollars.  
I went shopping at SAFEWAY where the bag boy gave me ‘the eye’ and said, “How you doin’.”  
When I returned home John and Geoff were gone.   It was nice to find peacefulness, so I decided to phone Paloma again.   I ate my dinner while speaking to her over the phone.   She was eating her dinner at the same time.  It was nice.   It was like dining ‘over the phone’.  I finally asked, “Did you receive the card I sent you?”“No,” she answered.Oh well…we filled each moment of our conversation with much excitement.   I really think she felt bad about putting me off until Wednesday.   She made it clear that she was happy because I was not discouraged.   I do like her so much. Sherri Lewis (John’s girlfriend) called me.   We had a good thirty minute talk about John, Hawaii, my nice material things, Monday Night Football, the PRINCESS DAISY movie, Alameda High School, Punk-Rockers and Halloween.   It was fun talking to her.   She’s such a nice girl.   John should appreciate her more.
My four job transfer requests were officially submitted today.   I hope that all four will get Q-1 ratings (Highly Qualified) when I receive my verification letters in the next two weeks or so.
I tried to call Tammy Duhr tonight.   I have no intentions of making an appearance at the gay skating rink on Tuesday night.   I don’t want to enter those doors for quite some time…perhaps never again.
Paloma called me again during an intimate scene with the Princess and actor Paul Michael Glaser (from STARSKY and HUTCH) to simply say, “Close your eyes.”“What?”“Just close your eyes.”“Okay,” I said, “They’re closed.”Paloma whispered, “The little three and a half year old asked me why we loved each other.”I laughed and asked, “What did you say?”
“I said I don’t know.”I laughed. She is so special to have the willingness to share this with me.   It means more and more to me every single time she calls me!
Her immobility is quite astounding.A woman who can be standing right in front of you, yet somehow not be there.-Nancy HustonTHE MARK OF THE ANGEL

The Beginnings - Part 126: I WAS MARRIED TO A WOMAN

Your destiny and mine are intertwined.-Arthur GoldenMEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
The Beginnings – Part 126:   I WAS MARRIED TO A WOMAN
November 6, 1983
This morning I went for a bike ride along Roanoke Drive in Martinez.   It’s always interesting to ride around an area that I don’t know.   When I returned to Jim’s house I discovered him in bed.  He was jerking-off!   I could also smell the aroma of that little bottle of whatever (POPPERS?) that he feels a need to sniff to supposedly accentuate his sensations.   
He got out of bed and made me some French toast.   We washed his car together after breakfast.   Jim and I left for San Francisco to see the matinee show of the TORCH SONG TRILOGY.  The play started at 2PM and it was quite good.   It made me laugh.  It was about this one drag queen ‘guy’ who met some guy that he loved.    The plot thickened as the guy didn’t want to see the drag queen ‘guy’ anymore because he met a girl that he fell in love with and ended up marrying.   In the long run, the married guy would end up coming back to visit the drag queen ‘guy’ (while he remained in his marriage to the woman).   After the show, Jim said, “The story reminded me of you.”I laughed it off.
After the unique play we ate at some station for a grilled hamburger.  We talked.I said, “I just feel guilty about seeing you when I want to see Paloma now.”“I’m glad you are telling me.”He suddenly felt like opening up some hidden truths of his own.“You know, Mike.   I have to tell you.   My divorce will be finalized in January.   I was married to a woman.   I actually have a four year old son and a two and a half year old daughter named Brandon and Courtney.”For some reason, I wasn’t too shocked.   I knew he held a deep imbedded secret.   It was just a matter of time.   I did recall that he had mentioned once before that he was divorced.   The only surprise realization is that he is still actually married right now.   This summed up the new events of the evening.  Jim said, “I just don’t want you to make the same mistakes with your life that I have done.”
Jim drove me home and he urged me on by saying, “Please call me on Tuesday before I go skating.”It’s doubtful that I will call him.   What’s the point?   I will be too busy with Paloma.   I want to start seeing Tammy again.   I need to understand if we will go anywhere or not.   The only way to know is if I do see Tammy more frequently.   If I become even more brave I may try calling Debbie Follrath. 
Jim and I actually departed with a mellow kiss.   I came into my pad and telephoned Paloma.   She was out for the evening to see the film RUMBLE FISH.   I can only guess (and hope) that she merely went out with some girlfriends.
Mom stopped by and watched the beginning of a movie called PRINCESS DAISY with me.   It was an interesting film that ‘took me away’.   Princess Daisy had a fetish for the wonders of the ART WORLD.   It made me realize how I would love to go back to school in January to pursue that interest.   ART intrigues me as well. 
I tried to think what is my life for, as if my life of course had a meaning, which is not necessarily so.-Patricia HighsmithTHE BOY WHO FOLLOWED RIPLEY

The Beginnings - Part 125: GENTLE ON MY MIND

When I walk along some railroad track and findThat you're moving on the back roads by the rivers of my memoryAnd for hours you're just gentle on my mind.-excerpt from the song, GENTLE ON MY MIND

The Beginnings – Part 125:  GENTLE ON MY MIND
Salima came to my desk and said, “Michael, I didn’t know you had personalized license plates.”I laughed.   I guess she noticed my ARMIJO5 plates this morning.   Pat Schaffer, the big-mouthed, big assed twerp, butted in and said, “I didn’t know you had personalized plates either.”
It was a mellow and reasonable work day.   I ended up working from 8:30AM until 1PM.   It was just a simple training day about the AT&T DIVESTITURE procedures.  
After work I drove home and my brother, John, was lounging with the football game happenings.   I glanced at my mail.John said, “Oh…some girl called.”I immediately thought it might have been Paloma.“Did she have an accent?”
“I don’t know…I guess.” I called Paloma right away and we had a nice chat once again about our getting together on Monday.   She told me about her love for Women’s Body Building.I said, “Well, I’d love to go bike riding in the Berkeley Hills.”I don’t think she was up for biking but she confided in me about her pain from her oral surgery.   She was concerned about her appearance and the possible future black-eye that may remain.“Oh, the black-eye will go away,” I said, “But if we go out the restaurant might think I beat you up.”She laughed as I tried to cheer her up.   
When I hung-up the phone with Paloma I went bike-riding.   It felt good after not riding in a while.   Two unknown gals waved at me.   I followed them as the wave spurned me on into excitement mode.   As I was riding by their car I said, “Try and catch me.”They simply waved goodbye when I passed them a second time.One of the girls yelled from the window, “Follow us to San Leandro!”I laughed.   I was too beat to try and catch up with them.   I decided to just ride to mom and dad’s house for a quick egg salad sandwich with a freshly iced glass of orange juice.   Dad said, “I was over at your pad because a couple of guys had to check on the roofing.   When I was there some guy named Steve called.”I realized it could have been Steve Mooney, my sixth-grade classmate I saw on Halloween night.   I wondered if he wanted to go out dancing tonight.   I learned that the girl that actually called me (per John) was not Paloma.   It was Tammy.  I laughed because she does have a way of putting on a fake accent.   No wonder my brother, John, was confused.   Tammy said, “I decided to call your mom’s number to see if you were there.”So, she found me.   She was fishing to find out what I was doing tonight.“Well, I’m supposed to go to some play.”“I see.   Well, I have to go because I’m not about to stay home on a Saturday night.”When she hung-up I thought, “Whatever…but it was flattering that I was her number one choice for this evening.”
My brother, John, left for work.   Steve Mooney (if it was him) never called back.
Jim called.  I made dinner reservations for us at GALLAGHER’s in Jack London Square for eight o’clock.   Who knows what else we will do after that?   We may possibly try to see a Comedy Show in San Francisco.   We also have matinee reservations for tomorrow (November 6th) at THEATER ON THE PARK for a 2PM show of the TORCH SONG TRILOGY.   It ought to be fun and educational.
I believe I need Paloma now more than ever.   Perhaps I need Tammy, too.  
I am forecasting what the outcome will be between Jim and me.   I believe we will eventually become better friends.   I can only wonder if he has other ideas up his sleeve.   I just feel so guilty when I am with him because I don’t want anything to grow between us.   It’s just that I am torn now that Paloma is so much more ‘gentle on my mind’.    I love that song by Glen Campbell.   It very much pertains to Paloma.
GENTLE ON MY MIND lyrics:
It's knowing that your door is always open and your path is free to walk
That makes me tend to leave my sleeping bag rolled up and stashed behind your couch
And it's knowing I'm not shackled by forgotten words and bonds
And the ink stains that have dried upon some line
That keeps you in the back roads by the rivers of my memory
That keeps you ever gentle on my mind

It's not clinging to the rocks and ivy planted on their columns now that bind me
Or something that somebody said because they thought we fit together walking
It's just knowing that the world will not be cursing or forgiving
When I walk along some railroad track and find
That you're moving on the back roads by the rivers of my memory
And for hours you're just gentle on my mind

Though the wheat fields and the clotheslines
And the junkyards and the highways come between us
And some other woman's crying to her mother cause she turned and I was gone
I still might run in silence, tears of joy might stain my face
And the summer sun might burn me till I'm blind
But not to where I cannot see you walking on the back roads
By the rivers flowing gentle on my mind

I dip my cup of soup back from a gurgling, crackling cauldron in some train yard
My beard a roughened coal pile and a dirty hat pulled low across my face
Through cupped hands round a tin can I pretend to hold you to my breast and find
That you're waving from the back roads by the rivers of my memory
Ever smiling, ever gentle on my mind
I sent Paloma a CAT EYES postcard.   I hope she likes it.
My brother, John, said, “I almost bought a VCR today.”I can’t wait for him to really make the purchase.
Just before Jim arrived at my house I received another phone call from Paloma.  I LOVE IT when she calls me.  Once again we had a nice (but rather short) talk about what my plans were for this evening.
Jim and I had a nice dinner at GALLAGHER’s.   While we were having our cocktails I saw my brother, John, and his friend, Marty, working there tonight.   I also spotted Debbie Follrath, a high-school gal a year or two younger than I.   She was looking ever-so-ravishing.I confided in Jim, “Boy…did I…and do I…still have a crush on that one.”Jim commented, “You have good taste.”The dinner was put on my tab!   It’s okay.   I didn’t mind.   After dinner we lounged around and Jim could feel the distance between us.   It was me.   I didn’t want to get involved or really initiate any sexual moves because I would have felt too guilty with Paloma ‘gentle on my mind’.    The past experience with George was telling me to back away from this male-to-male crap.   I wanted to see the ‘better’ sex (?).   A little voice was telling me to date Tammy or Paloma or possibly Debbi Follrath!    Then I thought of Rick Clark and the mad crush I had on him, wondering if that would ever be possible (?).
Jim and I drove out to Martinez with plans to sleep together without my little brother coming in at 3AM to be confused (with seeing me in bed with another guy).   While in Martinez, about all we did do was sleep.  Nothing else!   I wasn’t ‘into the scene’.   Jim seemed very depressed, thinking I was not attracted to him. And now that I look twice I find that I am really NOT totally attracted to the fellow.   His snoring aggravates me, too.  Ugh!   I couldn’t believe that he had TEEN-16 Magazines in his bedroom night table drawers.  What a child molester! Ha-ha.
…but from the very start I felt myself lost in her world.-Arthur GoldenMEMOIRS OF A GEISHA

The Beginnings - Part 124: SO ULTRA-SWEET

Touch teaches us that life has depth and contour; it makes our sense of the world and ourself three-dimensional.   Without that intricate feel for life there would be no artists, whose cunning is to make sensory and emotional maps, and no surgeons, who dive through the body with their fingers.-Diane AckermanA NATURAL HISTORY OF THE SENSES
The Beginnings – Part 124:  SO ULTRA-SWEET
The day sped by.   It’s too bad I work on Saturday.   It’s only from 8:30AM until 12:30PM, so that’s not so bad.  
BASS Tickets didn’t have any more tickets for the TORCH SONG TRILOGY play on Saturday night.   I tried to call the THEATER ON THE SQUARE directly.The Theater rep said, “I’m sorry.  We’re SOLD OUT on Saturday night.”It’s too bad.   Perhaps Jim and I can figure out something else to do.
Paloma wasn’t home this afternoon.   Was she asleep again?   
When I was home at 5:45PM I crashed on my bed.   I needed sleep.
Nici called.“What about our hors d’oeuvres evening?”“Oh man…I think I’m going to have to cancel out because I’m too pooped.”She was nice enough to accept my excuse.
I telephoned Paloma again.I was pleasantly surprised when Paloma said, “I tried calling you at seven-thirty yesterday.”“Oh…I spent the night in Walnut Creek.”“Well, I had to have surgery and stitches on my mouth.   Now I have a FAT cheek.”I laughed but reassured her, “You’ll recover.   It will heal fast.”Now we will probably go out on Monday night.   I agreed to call her on Saturday or Sunday so we could talk more.   She’s so ultra-sweet.   I was so thrilled because she called me back again.   We talked longer this time about where she lived and her friend, Monica.   Monica is the blond girl she was with on Halloween night.  Monica reminds me of that blond girl I dated in Sacramento named Michelle Von Thaden (from Loomis, CA). Paloma said, “I just called you back to find out what you decided to do tonight.”This line flattered me so much.   It made me realize that she was wondering what I would be doing.   I really like this one.   I slept soundly and straight through until 6:15AM.  
Her voice remains as lively, wise and encouraging as ever.   As she would say, “We had such fun!”-Julia ChildMY LIFE IN FRANCE