Joshua Becker's Blog, page 147

A Simple Guide to Successful Parenting

Parenting, at its core, is about making wise choices in order to prepare young men and women to be released into the world as responsible adults.

And that's why later today, I'll be traveling to the city of San Salvador, El Salvador. I have been asked to speak on the topic of "Successful Parenting" as a means to help encourage the growth of healthy families, healthy neighborhoods, and healthy communities. And despite being smack dab in the middle of a cross-country move, it was an opportunity that I could not pass up (and considering it was planned before our decision to move, I felt a need to fulfill my commitment).

As a result, over the next 7 days, I will be speaking 5 times in various locations around the city to roughly 500 parents… and I couldn't be more excited. I love meeting new people. I love parenting. And I love the opportunity to encourage healthy families and influence healthy communities.

Because I have a limited opportunity at each venue, I have tried to condense the wisdom of successful parenting into one short presentation. It is not exhaustive and each point of the outline could easily become a book in itself. But I believe it is enough to enourage parents, challenge parents, and send them down a road to develop successful (and flexible) parenting habits in their lives.

And rather than asking you to come visit me this week in San Salvador, I thought I'd just put my abbreviated outline here on Becoming Minimalist:

A Simple Guide to Succesful Parenting.

1. Successful parents love their spouse. Healthy marriages form the foundation on which children base their lives. They provide the stability necessary for young children to grow, thrive, and experiment. Home becomes a safe place that models and encourages selfless love. Successful parents are faithful to their spouse. They do not take for granted the life-commitment they have made to one another. They work hard each day to love their spouse. And they pride themselves on what they can give to the relationship… not in what they can take from it.

2. Successful parents correct harmful behaviors, attitudes, and worldviews. The old proverb holds true, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." While discipline can take various forms (I would never recommend a literal rod) and should be adapted for each particular child, it must be present for parenting success. Children need to learn everything from the ground-up including appropriate behaviors, how to get along with others, how to get results, and how to achieve their dreams. Discipline should not be avoided or withheld. It should never be motivated by anger, pride, or selfish reasons… because then it causes harm rather than resulting in benefit. Instead, it should be motivated by love and a desperate desire to see your children become the best that they can be.

3. Successful parents encourage healthy behaviors, attitudes, and worldviews. Parenting is a thinking man's game. It takes energy, strategy, and intentionality. Yet, many parents are unwilling to give it the attention that it deserves. As a result, their children become shaped by the world around them rather than by the parents who love them. Successful parents do not just discourage unhealthy habits, they also intentionally encourage positive habits. They envision the type of person they would like their children to become. They consistently model that behavior for them. They speak lofty expectations into their childrens' lives. They think the best of their children. They provide opportunities for their children to learn valuable life lessons. And they praise positive habits both privately and publicly.

4. Successful parents encourage spirituality. I'll probably steer away from the beaten path here for a moment, but there is a deep sense in my heart that wise parents encourage spirituality in the lives of their children. They instill within their kids a deep sense that there is more to this world than meets the eye. Some of the greatest things in this world are not things. Instead, they are invisible, life-giving, and eternal. There is a moral compass that guides life on this planet. Wise parents encourage (and provide opportunities) for their children to find it. Some of the most fruitful conversations I have with my children center on this topic of spirituality. And I always encourage parents to consider them.

5. Successful parents know when to let go. Parenting is 100% parents trying to shape lives and 100% children choosing their own life. While parenting requires time, energy, love, sweat, and tears, it also requires freedom to allow our children to make their own decisions and choose their own paths. It is a difficult balance that varies from child to child… but parents who neglect to let go cause harm. And they never accomplish the very goal of parenting itself: Making wise choices in order to prepare young men and women to be released into the world as responsible adults.

I'll see you all again later next week. Until then, ¡Adiós!

10 Reasons to Escape Excessive Consumerism

I am trying to live a minimalist life. But that doesn't mean I still don't own stuff.

My family of four still owns three beds, three dressers, two couches, one table with chairs, one desk, eight plates, eight bowls, eight glasses… My kids own toys and books. My wife sews. I read, play sports, and care for the house. We may be seeking to live a minimalist life, but we are still consumers. After all, to live is to consume.

But we have worked hard to escape excessive consumerism. Consumerism becomes excessive when it extends beyond what is needed. When we begin consuming more than is needed, boundaries are removed. Personal credit allows us to make purchases beyond our income-level. Advertisements subtly reshape our desires around material possessions. And the consumption culture that surrounds us begins to make excessive consumption appear natural and normal.

Excessive consumption leads to bigger houses, faster cars, trendier clothes, fancier technology, and overfilled drawers. It promises happiness, but never delivers. Instead, it results in a desire for more… a desire which is promoted by the world around us. And it slowly begins robbing us of life. It redirects our God-given passions to things that can never fulfill. It consumes our limited resources.

And it is time that we escape the vicious cycle.

It is time to take a step back and realize that excessive consumption is not delivering on its promise to provide happiness and fulfillment. Consumption is necessary, but excessive consumption is not. And life can be better lived (and more enjoyed) by intentionally rejecting it.

Consider this list of ten practical benefits of escaping excessive consumerism in your life:

1) Less debt. The average American owns 3.5 credit cards and $15,799 in credit card debt… totaling consumer debt of $2.43 trillion in the USA alone. This debt causes stress in our lives and forces us to work jobs that we don't enjoy. We have sought life in department stores and gambled our future on the empty promises of their advertisements. We have lost.

2) Less life caring for possessions. The never-ending need to care for the things we own is draining our time and energy. Whether we are maintaining property, fixing vehicles, replacing goods, or cleaning things made of plastic, metal, or glass, our life is being emotionally and physically drained by the care of things that we don't need… and in most cases, don't enjoy either.

3) Less desire to upscale lifestyle norms. The television and the Internet has brought lifestyle envy into our lives at a level never before experienced in human history. Prior to the advent of the digital age, we were left envying the Jones' family living next to us… but at least we had a few things in common (such as living in the same neighborhood). But today's media age has caused us to envy (and expect) lifestyle norms well beyond our incomes by promoting the lifestyles of the rich and famous as superior and enviable. Only an intentional rejection of excessive consumerism can quietly silence the desire to constantly upscale lifestyle norms.

4) Less environmental impact. Our earth produces enough resources to meet all of our needs, but it does not produce enough resources to meet all of our wants. And whether you consider yourself an environmentalist or not, it is tough to argue with the fact that consuming more resources than the earth can replenish is not a healthy trend – especially when it is completely unnecessary.

5) Less need to keep up with evolving trends. Henry David Thoreau once said, "Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but religiously follows the new." Recently, I have been struck by the wisdom and practical applicability of that thought whether relating to fashion, decoration, or design. A culture built on consumption must produce an ever-changing target to keep its participants spending money. And our culture has nearly perfected that practice. As a result, nearly every year, a new line of fashion is released as the newest trend. And the only way to keep up is to purchase the latest fashions and trends when they are released… or remove yourself from the pursuit altogether.

6) Less pressure to impress with material possessions. Social scientist Thorstein Veblen coined the phrase "conspicuous consumption" to describe the lavish spending on goods and services acquired mainly for the purpose of displaying income or wealth. In his 1899 book, The Theory of the Leisure Class, this term was used to describe the behavior of a limited social class. And although the behavior has been around since the beginning of time, today's credit has allowed it to permeate nearly every social class in today's society. As a result, no human being (in consumption cultures) is exempt from its temptation.

7) More generosity. Rejecting excessive consumerism always frees up energy, time, and finances. Those resources can then be brought back into alignment with our deepest heart values. When we begin rejecting the temptation to spend all of our limited resources on ourselves, our hearts are opened to the joy and fulfillment found in giving our personal resources to others. Generosity finds space in our life (and in our checkbooks) to emerge.

8) More contentment. Many people believe if they find (or achieve) contentment in their lives, their desire for excessive consumption will wane. But we have found the opposite to be true. We have found that the intentional rejection of excessive consumption opens the door for contentment to take root in our lives. We began pursuing minimalism as a means to realign our life around our greatest passions… not as a means to find contentment. But somehow, minimalism resulted in a far-greater contentment with life than we ever enjoyed prior.

9) Greater ability to see through empty claims. Fulfillment is not on sale at your local department store… neither is happiness. It never has been. And never will be. We all know this to be true. We all know that more things won't make us happier. It's just that we've bought into the subtle message of millions upon millions of advertisements that have told us otherwise. Intentionally stepping back for an extended period of time helps us get a broader view of their empty claims.

10) Greater realization that this world is not just material. True life is found in the invisible things of life: love, hope, and faith. Again, we all know there are things in this world that are far more important than what we own. But if one were to research our actions, intentions, and receipts, would they reach the same conclusion? Or have we been too busy seeking happiness in all the wrong places?

Escaping excessive consumption is not an easy battle. If it were, it would be done more often… myself included. But it is a battle worth fighting because it robs us of life far more than we realize.

True life must be found somewhere else.

How I Learned to Stop Blogging Everyday

When I first started writing here at Becoming Minimalist, I posted something everyday. Maybe it was because I was so excited that I couldn't help it. But more likely, it was because some of the blogs that I enjoyed reading followed that format. And I assumed it was the best formula for success. The thinking was simple: The more you write, the more others will read.

But over the evolution of this blog, I have changed my mind on post frequency a couple of times. Three years ago, I was posting everyday… One year ago, I was posting 3 articles/week… Today, I typically post 1-2 articles/week. As this blog has grown, the posting frequency has actually decreased.

Looking back, I can pinpoint a number of reasons why I made this intentional change to post less frequently:

1. Blogging is not my life. I still work a full-time job. I intentionally raise my two young children and work hard at being an unselfish husband. I seek faith, friendship, and family more than anything else in life and I value each of them far more than this blog. Posting less frequently has allowed me the opportunity to keep those things at the center of my life – even as this blog has grown considerably larger over the past year.

2. Results in better articles. In my humble opinion, as my posting frequency has decreased, the quality of writing has increased. I have been able to put more thought into preparation, more brainpower into writing, and more effort into editing. Posting everyday simply did not allow me the creative space necessary to produce quality content.

3. Writing can be mentally draining. I love writing. And I have learned to love it even more the past few years of blogging here at Becoming Minimalist. But it is mentally and emotionally draining. Good writing includes your heart, soul, and mind. It calls you to bare yourself for all to see. And emotional fatigue can be just as real as physical fatigue.

4. Pushes me to write something worth reading each time. As my posting frequency has declined, the pressure to write something worth reading has increased. If the next thing I post is going to represent my blog for the next 4-5 days, I want to make sure it makes a good first impression. I have found this pressure to be helpful, healthy, and life-giving. It encourages quality content.

5. Allows time for social networks to promote the work. Even in our fast-moving society, it still takes some time for influential online users to find and promote quality content. A less frequent post-schedule allows more opportunity for others to find my work, appreciate it, and promote it.

6. Nobody reads my blog everyday anyway. Well, maybe some of you check everyday… but most blog readers politely stop by when life allows, when a friend recommends, or when a search engine directs. This was an important lesson for me to learn. If readers aren't stopping by everyday… but I'm still posting everyday… I'm writing a lot of stuff that isn't even getting read. Not only did this understanding allow me the freedom to post less, it required me to post less (for both my sake and the readers' sake).

7. Creates space to promote my work elsewhere. Posting less frequently on Becoming Minimalist has allowed me greater opportunity to write guest posts on other sites, respond to interview requests, and interact with other bloggers on their projects. Posting less frequently has granted me the mental and physical capacity to engage in these win-win scenarios all over the Internet.

8. Find other avenues to engage readers. Because I spend less time creating new content for this blog, I have been able to find more time to engage readers on other platforms. The Becoming Minimalist Facebook Page publishes quotes of inspiration and encouragement on a daily basis. My Twitter feed shares personal insights about my life to followers. And I use Tumblr to recommend quality articles that I find during research. Each of these platforms grants opportunity to inspire new audiences to live more by owning less.

9. Allows more time for idea generation. One of the most frequent questions I get asked about blogging relates to idea generation. It usually sounds something like this, "How do you keep coming up with ideas to write about?" The simple answer is that when you start living your life with an eye for writing, you'll start finding ideas all around you. A more detailed response includes the fact that a simple notebook is also helpful. And the slower you work through your list of ideas, the more ideas you'll always have in front of you.

10. Greater flexibility with important posts. I flourish within schedules. As a result, I have an ideal posting schedule that motivates me. And while I only publish articles that serve a purpose, sometimes I write a post that I feel is particularly important and carries a timely message. In those cases when I feel the writing is particularly important (or seems to strike a chord with readers), I like to let it live a little bit longer on the front page while the next post may get pushed back 2-3 days. When I lived by a strict everyday-posting schedule (or even a 3 posts/week schedule), I never gave myself that freedom.

11. Encourages e-mail subscriptions. Since making the decision to post less frequently, there has been a dramatic increase in email subscribers who receive the newest Becoming Minimalist articles in their inbox. Making every article worth reading has encouraged this response. And so has the fact that e-mail inboxes are not bombarded with new notifications everyday… cause I mean really, who wants to sign-up for that?

12. Helps me appreciate slow days on the blog. The temptation to check blog stats and comments can be very strong… especially on days when new posts are published. Every writer wants to see how their work is being received. As a result, I ask many questions on days when posts are published: "Is anyone commenting? Are comments positive or negative? Are people sharing it with their friends through social networking sites? Are a lot of people clicking around on the post?" Over the years, I have learned to appreciate the blessing of a slow-day on this blog. There is less temptation to check stats… and more opportunity to pursue the life right in front of me.

13. Allows life to get in the way. Over the past few months, I have been reminded how busy life can get. We are currently in the process of moving from Vermont to Arizona as I start a new job next month. We are working to make the transition smooth for our young children. We are saying good-bye to good friends. We are making preparations for a new life in a new part of the country. And maintaining a posting schedule of 1-2 times/week has allowed me the flexibility to successfully navigate both.

Interestingly enough, the readership of Becoming Minimalist has never been larger or more engaged. In fact, within the past 18 months, this blog has grown from relative obscurity to 400,000 page views/month and almost 10,000 committed subscribers. And most of this growth didn't even start until I stopped posting everyday (somewhere around April, 2010).

Just to be clear, there have been some important fundamental changes to this blog in addition to just changing the posting frequency. And I'm not naive enough to think that just writing less translates into more readers. But, I do believe that writing/posting less frequently has been an important factor in this blog's growth. If nothing else, it has created the necessary space in my life to accommodate its success. And I'd recommend the approach to almost everyone.

7 Tips to Live Simply with Kids

Editor's Note: This is a guest post by Sandy Kreps of Modern Simplicity.

Living with kids is complicated, even chaotic at times. There's no getting around it. Lots of laundry, toys, chauffeuring, school and extracurriculars, chores, sports, clubs…not to mention meal times, going anywhere in public, potty training, playdates and friends…the list goes on and on. It IS possible to rein in the crazy though. Here are seven tips to simplify your life with kids.

1. Use just one calendar. If you have kids, you probably have a lot of activities going on. Between your own work, social and volunteer schedule, your significant other's schedule, and your children's school events, extracurricular activities and special events such as birthday parties, it's easy to get overwhelmed fast. Keep yourself organized with just one calendar. If your school or coach provides you with a calendar of events, transfer those dates to your one calendar. We use Google Calendar to keep track of everything our family is doing, and it's easy to set up multiple categories for each person's schedule and see them all in one spot. Google Calendar also syncs easily to my iPhone, so I have our family's schedule with me all the time, and you can share calendars with other people (which means my husband and I are on the same page!) You can access it from the web anywhere, so it's not tied to the home computer (or tacked on the fridge). Make sure to actually put all of your events in your calendar, and don't overlook dates like library book due dates, doctor's appointments, your turn at carpool, and early pick-up day at school.

2. Create routines. Routines are a must for any household with children, particularly daily routines, weekly routines and nighttime routines. This makes the schedule predictable for everyone, sets up habits for success and eliminates many conflicts. Daily routines may include regular times for meals, bathing, clean-up and chores, school work, and some exercise time. Weekly routines can include regular sports practices, housekeeping duties, and regular errands such as grocery shopping. A nighttime routine, vital for small children, can help bedtime go easier when kids know that after cleaning up toys comes bath time, pajamas, story time, and then sleep time.

3. Teach self-sufficiency from an early age. Teach your kids to do things for themselves as much as possible. This one requires some up-front work on your part, but it's a life skill every kid needs to learn. Not only will it make your life simpler, learning to do for themselves gives kids confidence and self-reliance that can't be taught. Younger kids can clean up toys, get out their pajamas, pick out a snack from a preapproved snack bin, sort their laundry by color, or sweep up their spilled crackers with a small broom. Older kids can make their own breakfast or snack, dress themselves, set the table or wash dishes, get their own drinks, fold and put away their laundry, or gather their supplies for school and extracurriculars using a list you provide. It's all about setting the expectation with your kids that they can do it and that you expect them to.

4. Plan ahead. Mornings are generally the most chaotic time of day, but planning ahead can make the household run much smoother. The night before, prepare lunches, get clothes ready, grab school bags and supplies for any of tomorrow's activities. Look at your calendar each night to see what activities you have planned so nothing gets missed. In the morning, you'll be ready to go, and the entire day will go smoother thanks to that peaceful start.

5. Come prepared. Keep your bag or car stocked with kid necessities. If you have babies, that means fully stocked diaper bag at all times. For toddlers and older children, this could mean having extra snacks, refillable water bottles, some back-up clothing for potty or messy food accidents, a first aid kit, and a few books or small toys to keep kiddos occupied in the car or for unexpected wait times. Baby wipes, even after your kids are potty trained, are a must-have for cleaning up virtually any mess, from sticky fingers to spilled snacks and playground dirt. I always keep a few fun character bandages in my wallet for boo boos — they cheer up kids fast and are a great way to make friends at the park.

6. Streamline regularly. Two huge areas of potential clutter with kids are toys and clothing. They pile up fast, so it's important to declutter them regularly to save your sanity. Kids can help sort toys they no longer want to play with, though I find it helpful to make a pass through them myself first to get rid of toys I know for certain they never use. Choose clothing that's simple and matches easily, with similar color schemes and, if possible, lots of solid colors. With two active boys, I prefer to buy dark colors to hide stains. Keep a bin in the closet for outgrown clothes, and go through drawers and closets at the beginning of each season to sort out clothing that no longer fits. It helps to buy socks in bulk, all the same brand and style, so that they are easy to pair up.

7. Schedule in family time. Don't forget to regularly plan some relaxing time with the family: a night in to watch a movie with home-popped popcorn and chocolate milk, an evening of board games or a weekend trip to the park. Read together or bake cookies, whatever you like — the important part is to consistently have some downtime together that doesn't involve racing all over town. Make the focus spending time together, and let family members take turns choosing the activity so everyone gets to feel like they're part of the team.

***

Sandy Kreps is a green living/simplicity writer and graphic designer in Dallas, Texas. She blogs at Modern Simplicity which is dedicated to simple green living with a modern style. You can also find her on Twitter.

Photo credit to Yvonne Niemann Photography.

The Danger of Neglecting Time Alone

"We live in a very tense society. We are pulled apart… and we all need to learn how to pull ourselves together…. I think that at least part of the answer lies in solitude." – Helen Hayes

We live in the information age.

Computers provide the opportunity to process enormous amounts of information. The Internet makes the constant flow of information from anywhere in the world possible. Social media ties together information and relationships. And smart phones have made information and relationship accessible anywhere/anytime.

This adds many benefits to our lives: we are able to accomplish more, broadcast further, connect easier, and process quicker.

But left unchecked, this information age also has its downsides. Consider the fact that we are constantly, at all times, digitally surrounded by others. For the first time in human history, the possibility for relationship with others exists around us at every moment of every day… whether we are at work, in our homes, in our cars, in the grocery store, at our son's baseball game, or on vacation at the beach. With the click of a mouse, the push of a button, or the flip of the phone, we are immediately rushed to a place teeming with others. And they immediately rush into our minds with reckless abandon.

Left unchecked, this constant stream of relationships can have some damaging affects on our lives:

It become easy to constantly compare our lives to others. Because Facebook/Twitter/Google+ often only tell one side of lifes' story, it becomes commonplace to compare the worst aspects of our life to the publicized best aspects of others. Add to that the fact that television paints an unreal, often over-glamorized view of the world, advertisements remind us of everything that we still don't own, and technology changes at light-speed pace. And once you get lost in the comparison game, you enter a never-ending downward spiral. Reality has been replaced by fiction.
There is a constant need to impress. It is human nature to hide weakness and champion strength. We so desperately desire to be well thought of and looked up to. As a result, when we are in the company of others, we try to look our best, put-together, and in control. We hope to impress others… often building walls to hide our true selves in the process. This new, constant stream of virtual relationship muddies the water. There is no longer any opportunity for down-time. We must always be "on-our-game" trying to hide our weakness and champion our success.
It is tempting to overlook the people right in front of us. We live in a world where we can check to see what anyone else in our life is doing in real-time. There is no need to hear about it later. We can just check right now… and it will only take a second. Unfortunately, when there are only 2 friends in front of us but 200 friends online, it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on the 2. This temptation to see what else is happening in the world is very strong. And it often comes at the expense of the people we are sitting with at the moment.
The urgency of communication becomes greatly exaggerated. In a world where information is easily accessible and interpersonal relationships are always available, the urgency of communication begins to accelerate. Just because our cell phones allow us to be reached at any given point of the day (by voice or text) does not mean that an immediate response is necessary. Our lives continue. Unfortunately, because the world has collapsed around us, there is a growing sense that not giving an immediate response to texts/e-mails is rude. It is not.
There is great opportunity to become overly-dependant on others. When the opportunity to be surrounded and validated by others is constantly present, the opportunity to rely upon those relationships to an unhealthy degree also presents itself. If we can receive feedback and praise from dozens of people at a moment's notice, the ability to find personal satisfaction diminishes. We lose the ability to find security in our heart and soul – because the rush feels so good when we receive it from others.
There is unlimited ability to 'sell.' When relationships are always available, there is never a moment in the day that we can not be busy selling something to somebody. In a world that spins on the foundation of the dollar bill, this can become very dangerous. Whether we are selling material products, intellectual products, or just ourselves, the opportunity to sell is always available. The store never closes. Customers always enter. And if we're always busy chasing the next sale, there is little opportunity for contentment to take root.
Silence becomes feared. When social media offers the illusion that all of our friends are at all times living in constant relationship, silence is feared. Silence begins to take on the meaning of "missing out" or "loneliness." When all the world is achatter but you are sitting quietly, it can be a fearful thing. Unfortunately so.
Our hearts are never searched and our lives are never evaluated. The constant flow of relationships and noise around us often distracts us from the most important thing in our lives: our heart and soul. The fear of solitude, the inability to disconnect, the lack of training in meditation, and the difficulty associated in looking deeply into our heart and soul means that we rarely do it. In a world where virtual relationships exist around-the-clock, the discipline to search our heart is rarely developed.

Despite the benefits, there is danger in constant relationship. We are wise to consider what they may be. And we neglect time alone at our own peril.

How to Communicate With Your Partner When You Disagree

Editor's Note: This is a guest post by Corey Allan of Simple Marriage.

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." – George Bernard Shaw.

You're surfing the blogosphere and you stumble across several sites on minimalism and simplification. Something in the message resonates deeply in you and you find yourself prepared to overhaul your home and life. Then the thought hits you, your spouse will never go for it.

Now what?

For starters, remember that every relationship has conflict. And every marriage has conflict as well.

John Gottman, one of the leaders in the field of marriage research, has discovered that the majority of marital conflicts are perpetual. They're continual and repeated. In fact, 69% of all marital problems fall into this category.

There are many areas in marriage where you're simply not going to agree. Here's a few:

One of you wants to have children (or X number of kids), while the other says they're not ready, or are happy with the current number of kids.
One of you wants sex far more frequently that the other.
You want to raise your children Baptist, while your spouse wants them to be raised Catholic.
Your spouse is lax about housework and rarely does his or her share until you nag, igniting anger.
One of you is a saver with money and the other is a spender.
Or one of you wants to work towards a more simple and minimalist type of life and the other doesn't.

Problems in marriage are inevitable. The question is — can you remain satisfied in your marriage in spite of differences? Can your marriage thrive when there are differences between you?

I believe the answer is yes.

The key is to continually work it out and grow up. Acknowledge the problem and talk about it. Your love for each other doesn't have to be overwhelmed by your differences.

Think of it this way — the times when there's tension between you and your spouse, it's like the elephant in the room. You both know it's there when you're together. Rather than allowing the elephant to roam freely between you and takeover your space, name it. Speak up. While this won't make the elephant leave completely, it will decrease its size.

In unstable marriages, elephants are likely to kill the relationship. Instead of coping, the couple gets gridlocked. You have the same conversation over and over, resolving nothing. You're spinning your wheels. And since you're making no progress, you both feel more frustrated, hurt or rejected. When this happens, resentment moves in and humor and affection leave – so does simplicity and passion.

Problems in marriage will happen. How you address them is up to you.

Here are some ways to communicate better with your partner when you don't see eye to eye:

1. With respect.

One of the main things I see in couples on the verge of marital collapse is a lack of respect. When you reach a point where you no longer like each other, you're in trouble.

"Respect is defined as not trying directly or indirectly to change anyone." -Thomas Fogarty

Sadly, we often treat common strangers with more respect than people in our home. Respect is one of the key factors to a successful marriage — respect for those around you, and most importantly, respect for yourself.

2. Clearly define yourself.

To define yourself means you have a deeper awareness and understanding of your beliefs, wants, needs and desires. Marriage is a great place to clarify these things in your life – mainly because that's the way marriage is designed.

You live with another person who has his or her own view of the way things should be, just like you. For example, in your family of origin, tables may serve as great places to store piles of mail, magazines, and kid's artwork. But your spouse's family of origin believes tables are great places to eat dinner together, so they need to be free of clutter.

Neither way is necessarily "right," just different. You are allowed to live life the way you choose, but so is your spouse.

3. Understand the idea of over-functioning and under-functioning.

In every relationship, there will be one who over-functions while the other under-functions. It's a reality of relationships.

Over-functioning and under-functioning are positions that we occupy in response to how we do life. None of us is all one way all the time — we over-function in some areas of life and under-function in others. This is determined by what's important to you and what you value. For example, if your kid's grades are more important to you than they are to her, you're more likely to do her homework for her, or at least keep on her about it, because she can under-function, knowing you'll pick up the slack.

One thing to keep in mind — if you're over-functioning for someone, you are under-functioning for yourself. When you are faced with something you want to change, and have a spouse that isn't on the same page, it's best to initiate a discussion about the change.

Share your thoughts – openly listen to theirs. It's very likely that together, you will be able to come up with a solution.

4. Live by what you hold dear.

When you are faced with a situation where you and your spouse aren't on the same page, live according to your own integrity and values.

If you want to simplify and your spouse doesn't, simplify your life.

You want to eat healthy and your spouse only wants fast food? Eat healthy.

I'll leave you with this: At the end of the day, all you are responsible for is you.

***

Corey Allan writes at Simple Marriage where he helps couples create better marriages by keeping things simple. You may also enjoy following him at Twitter.

A Practical Solution to (Almost) All Your Money Problems

"Go out in the world and work like money doesn't matter, sing as if no one is listening, love as if you have never been hurt, and dance as if no one is watching." – Victor Hugo.

Our Financial Discontent.

For most of my life, I have had money problems. In fact, I have always lived with a deep sense of personal discontent concerning my use of money. This discontent (or unease) concerning my finances came from two areas:

First, I have always been discontent with the amount of money that I was spending. Ever since graduating college in 1996, I have lived paycheck-to-paycheck… never able to get ahead. Despite ever-increasing paychecks, I was never able to build up any substantial savings. My credit card bill seemed to mimic my pay stub. The money came in. The money went out. And as I entered my 30′s, this inability to build savings could no longer be blamed on an entry-level income, it had to be blamed on me.

Second, I have always been discontent with where my money was being spent. I consider myself spiritual… one who cares about the invisible qualities of life more than the visible. Unfortunately, my bank account never aligned with my stated beliefs. Nearly every spiritual leader of every major religion preaches generosity, contentment, and care for the disadvantaged in society. Yet, my financial gifts to those in need were few and far between. I had a desire to help the poor, care for the orphan, and comfort the widow, but I could never get behind those intentions with my finances. It concerned me on a deep, spiritual level.

And in both regards, a solution was seemingly unavailable. That was, until Memorial Day 2008, when my neighbor introduced me to minimalism and intentionally living with less. As a result of our short conversation, the solution to my financial discontent became surprisingly clear. It was simple and practical. It was "Buy Less."

Our Solution: Buy Less.

Just to be clear, the resolution of buying less was not a new solution to me. I was not naive enough to have never thought of it before. But the solution had never sounded attractive to me. Buying less sounded like I was taking a step backwards in life… admitting defeat… unable to earn the income necessary to live the American dream. It sounded boring… unfashionable… and destined for ridicule.

But I was wrong. In fact, deciding to intentionally live with less is among the best decisions I have made in my life. As a result of paring down most of our possessions and determining to only buy things that are needed, we have found life greatly improved. We have more time, energy, and money available to us than ever before… we have more opportunity to pursue the greatest passions in life… we spend less time cleaning, organizing, and repairing the "stuff" in our lives… we have been forced to intentionally redefine our values… and rather than chasing every new product or fashion line sold at the department store, we are finally able to invest into the things that make our lives worthwhile and significant.

In this simple solution of buying less, both avenues of financial discontent in our lives have been resolved. Every month, we have money left over for savings. And every month, we have more to give away.

For our financial discontent, the practical solution of buying less was perfect. Today, my only regret is that I hadn't started sooner.

Other Financial Problems.

But what about other money problems? Would the mindful practice of intentionally buying less solve them too? In most cases, it would. Consider some of these all-too-common money problems and how their solution is found in simply buying less:

I am deep in debt. According to CNN, the average American household carries nearly $10,700 in credit-card debt. Buying less provides the opportunity to slowly begin repaying that debt. It takes time. But patience, persistence, and discipline will absolutely free you from that crippling burden. And if buying too much is the cause of the problem (in most cases), buying less is most certainly the solution.
I don't make enough money. While there are some legitimate cases where income does not provide for basic needs, more often than not, this money problem springs from an internal desire to purchase luxuries that we believe will add joy to our life. Because our income does not match our desires, we believe that we aren't making enough money. But joy from luxury is short-lived, fleeting, and can never satisfy. Your heart will always desire more and your income will never match your thirst. Instead, an intentional decision to purposefully live with less will provide the inner space to find contentment in your life and begin making the most of it today.
I feel trapped in my job. Too many people that I know feel trapped in their present employment. Their internal groaning is often heard in statements like, "I can't wait to retire" or "I can't believe I have to go to work today." And while some feel trapped because of their need for health care, others feel trapped because of their need to keep up a completely avoidable lifestyle: their mortgage, their car payment, or their credit card bills. If you feel trapped, know that the invitation to "buy less" remains open. There is an escape. The decision to live with less will open the door to surviving on a tighter budget and soon open the door to finding work you love.
I fear retirement. As nearly every financial outlet worth reading reminds us, the most important key to building retirement savings is to start saving today and contribute consistently. Whether you are 20, 30, or 50, your retirement account will not grow substantially without your contributions. So get started today with this simple formula: Buy less. Save more.
My marriage is falling apart due to financial stress. It is true that one of the leading causes of divorce in our world today is financial stress. This stress stems from any number of factors: disagreements on spending, loss of employment, stress from existing debt, and/or financial secrets. Depending on your specific circumstance, intentionally buying less may not solve all of them (or any of them). But it certainly can't hurt. And maybe… just maybe… the extra financial space that is created from even one partner deciding to buy less will provide the space necessary to address the underlying factors that are leading to the inability to resolve your differences.

To be true, your specific money problem may not have been addressed in the list above. Unfortunately, there is just not opportunity to address every financial condition in this limited post. If you need to read practical advice from a different angle, consider any of these blogs dedicated to the subject of personal finance: Get Rich Slowly, The Simple Dollar, Wise Bread, Frugal Dad, or Man vs Debt.

But my goal was not to specifically address every possible avenue of financial discontent. Instead, my hope was to raise your personal awareness towards the same simple, practical solution that resolved the financial discontent in my life… buying less.

Whatever financial stress you may be feeling today, know that buying less is probably the most practical solution. And the road to relief may in fact be far more appealing than you think…

Encouragement for Your First Step Towards Living With Less

"Change brings opportunity." - Nido Qubein

Over the past three years, I have had the privilege to introduce the idea of minimalism to a number of people. These introductions have occurred through personal conversation, writing, and speaking opportunities. But no matter how the introduction happens, each time, I feel a little bit renewed. I find that the idea of "finding more life by owning less stuff" seems to resonate with most people.

But, unfortunately, I also find that for many, that is where their journey ends… at the introduction. The idea of minimalism may sound attractive, but the first step appears elusive. And is too often, never taken.

There are a wide number of reasons that keep people from taking this first step towards living with less. And while they vary from person-to-person based on personality, history, gender, and worldview, I have found that most of the reasons keeping people from getting started towards minimalism fit into only a handful of categories. And in hopes of providing encouragement to some of you, I thought it might be helpful to take a minute to answer most of them:

• Reason: I've Never Considered Intentionally Living With Less.

Minimalism is growing. You can blame it on the economy, technology, environmental-awareness, or blogs such as Zen Habits, Rowdy Kittens, and Be More With Less. It has been exciting to see the movement grow. But the percentages are still small. In the land of suburbia where I live, the idea of intentionally living with less is still a foreign concept. Hearts desire it, but too many minds have yet to be introduced.

*Encouragement: If you ended up reading this post at the urging of a friend, consider yourself introduced. Intentionally living with less results in a life with less debt, stress, and anxiety. In exchange, you will realize more time and energy for the things you most value and your greatest passions will again take their rightful place in your life.

• Reason: But I Don't Know Where to Start.

For many, the task of minimizing their possessions seems overwhelming. Their minds race to drawers that don't close, closets that don't shut, and rooms that are stuffed full of unused things. The idea of decluttering their homes and lives is attractive, even necessary… but the simple obstacle of knowing where to start keeps many from even starting at all.

*Encouragement: Start small. And start easy. Find the easiest drawer, closet, or room to declutter and start there. You don't need to start with your attic or your basement. In fact, you probably shouldn't. The task will be too great. Instead, choose the easiest place in your home – even if it is just one drawer. You'll feel good when you are done (I guarantee it). And that feeling of success and relief will carry you on to the next step… and the next…. and the next… and eventually, even the attic.

• Reason: But I Don't Have the Time.

Minimizing possessions takes time. You didn't collect everything in your home over the course of one weekend and it's going to take longer than one weekend to sort it out and remove the non-essentials. But we live such busy lives these days. Where can we find the time to accomplish such a large task?

*Encouragement: If you can find 15 minutes, you can take the most important step – the first one. Investing just 15-20 minutes to minimize one area of your home is all you need to get started (especially if you have chosen something easy). Again, the immediate sense of calm you will find in owning less will motivate you to find another 15 minutes. If you struggle to even find 15 minutes, try one of these ideas: get up one hour early, take one afternoon off work, turn off the television, or dedicate one Saturday to decluttering. Any one of those options above will help you find more than enough time to get started.

• Reason: But I Could Never Get My Family On-board.

By far, the most common question I receive after speaking about minimalism relates to other family members (especially about husbands and teenagers). The fact that their family members will never go for the idea of living with less seems to outweigh any benefits of implementing it in their own lives.

*Encouragement: Your husband/wife/children does not need to fully embrace the idea of minimalism for you to benefit from it. Remember, it is far easier to notice the clutter of others than it is to notice our own. But if you just decide to start with your own personal belongings, you will notice a HUGE difference. You will almost immediately find more time in your life for the things that matter most – even if your kids' bedroom is still messy. And the more you begin to experience freedom in your life… the more your family members will start to take notice. Just ask my wife.

• Reason: But I Don't Know What I'd Do With _______________.

Another common thought-process I have noticed is that people's minds often rush to their toughest belongings to minimize. These vary from person to person, but typically resemble sentimental items, books, or hobbies. Over the years, they have collected a large number of items in these particular areas and the thought of having to part with them raises concern… and often stops them from ever taking the first step.

*Encouragement: You don't have to part with anything until you are ready. And you certainly don't have to begin by removing the things that mean the most to you. If you are anything like we were, you have a whole house (or at least, a clothes closet) full of things that don't mean anything to you. They are just taking up space in your home and life. They don't fit, match, or work anymore. They can easily be removed. Start there. And remember that there is no time limit on this journey. If you are not ready to part with the memories of your past today, don't worry about it. Maybe you'll be ready tomorrow… or the day after that.

• Reason: But I'm Afraid of Change.

Got it. Change doesn't come easy to you. And intentionally deciding to live with less is among the biggest of changes that you could make in your life. It is a counter-cultural way to live life. After being fed millions of advertisement from the world around us promising that more is better, deciding to reject that thinking and live with less is going to require changes – not just in the home where you live, but in almost every aspect of your life going forward.

*Encouragement: Change is never easy. And even though it is inevitable through this journey of life, we seem to avoid it whenever possible. But change comes easier when we realize the rationale behind it. The reasoning provides us with necessary motivation to make the needed changes. When we started out on our minimalist journey, I listed every benefit of minimalism that we were experiencing. The rationale and the reminder of why we were changing our lifestyle pushed us further down the road over and over again. Perhaps, they will provide the necessary foundation for you to embrace change in your life as well.

• Reason: But Minimalism Doesn't Sound Attractive to Me.

Still, for others, they will never take their first step towards minimalism because the lifestyle does not sound attractive to them. They find no appeal in the idea of intentionally living with less. And believe that they want nothing to do with it.

*Encouragement: I embraced the idea of minimalism because it became apparent to me that the stuff in my life was keeping me from the most important things in my life: faith, family, and friends. And since removing most of the personal possessions from my life, I have found more freedom, energy, and finances to pursue the relationships that mean the most to me. And that applies to this relationship as well. May our differing views on possessions never come between us as friends.

***

On a completely unrelated note, I have launched a little grass-roots effort to be written-in as "Vermont's Best Blogger" in Burlington's Social Media Survey. Since the voting is not restricted to Vermont residents, I thought some of Becoming Minimalist's readers may want to participate. If I indeed fit the bill of Vermont's Best Blogger in your opinion, you can vote for me by writing in "Joshua Becker" on Question #18 of the following survey: http://svy.mk/iBZfgo. Voting ends Thursday. And thanks in advance.

10 Blogs You'll Enjoy that You Haven't Subscribed To (yet)

On August 13, 2009, Becoming Minimalist caught a break. Unannounced to me, a blog with over 200,000 subscribers linked to this site. It brought countless new readers to this site and continues to drive traffic here even now. In many ways, it put Becoming Minimalist "on the map." And when people ask me how this blog has grown so quickly, I always reference that date and that link as a milestone in this blog's growth.

Since that time, I have tried to use this platform to help other blogs increase their readership. There are countless authors writing wonderful words and telling amazing stories. But unfortunately, given the cluttered nature of the Internet, they don't always get noticed. And I believe that many of them are just waiting for their opportunity to be introduced.

To that end, I have listed the names of ten blogs that (in my opinion) are under-appreciated. They are producing valuable content. And I'm confident that you will enjoy and be inspired by each of them.

10 Blogs You'll Enjoy that You Haven't Subscribed To (yet)

One Dress Protest. Throughout 2011, Kristy Powell has decided to wear one dress for one year in order to protest the ideas and motivations behind how and why she wears her clothes. Her aim is to challenge the ways identity is constructed through clothing, what sustainability means for consumption, how our perception of others is so often based on external presentation, and what "fashion" ultimately means in her life going forward.

. Dave Bruno is the man who thought-up the idea of the 100-Thing Challenge… and lived to write the book. On his well thought-out and insightful blog, Dave writes thoughtfully about American-style consumerism and routinely shares stories of others who have embraced minimalism.

Modern Simplicity. Sandy Kreps is a writer, graphic designer/art director in North Dallas, a wife, and mom to two little boys. She is committed to living greener and teaching others about choosing a greener, simpler lifestyle. Her blog is full of insightful, well-researched practical tips on living green in this modern world. You'll love it!

Trading Pounds. The inspiring story of Stephanie Wetzel who is journaling her real life account of trading 246 pounds for a brand new life by embracing a total wellness approach that encompasses a commitment to real food, changing bad habits into good ones, and creating a life aligned with their core needs, wants and values. Her blog is helpful and her story is fantastic. As a matter of fact, if you are a member of the media who would benefit from telling an inspirational, feel-good story… you should totally look her up!

Raam Dev. Raam Dev's blog "is dedicated to the exploration of what it means to be human. It's a place to be inspired and motivated to discover your own inner beauty. You will read things here that cause you to think about life from a different angle."

A Big Creative Yes. Dan Goodwin's blog is dedicated to inspiring others to become more creative. His desire is to help people become as abundantly creative as they've always known they can be, to inspire and energize their own lives to new levels, and the lives and creativity of those around them.

Itty Bitty Impact. Tonia uses gorgeous photography, personal stories, and step-by-step tutorials to inspire others to find bite-sized, practical ways to cut back on their consumption and waste…the small things that add up and make a difference.

Minimalist Mom. Rachel Jonat and her family embraced minimalism in September 2010. Since then, they have paid off over $65,000 in personal debt. Her blog documents their journey, inspires and informs those new to the minimalist movement and helps connect them with "like minded folk." You'll find plenty of discussions on how to live a richer life with less stuff.

Art of Minimalism. Since its beginnings, I have read Mike Donghia's Art of Minimalism and have routinely scanned for new content. I am a fan of his approach to blogging and the depth of insight in his posts.

Mom Blog. Margie Sims is the mother to nine children and currently expecting her tenth. Her authenticity in each post is only out-shined by her obvious love for each of her children. If you have kids, you should read her blog. The comfort and inspiration that you find in each post will almost certainly make you a better, more intentional parent.

To accomplish the creation of this list, I asked people on Twitter to send me their "favorite blogs with less than 1,000 subscribers." I realize that subscriber count is not the only way to gauge the readership of a blog (nor is it easily calculated from the outside looking in). But for this exercise, it served its purpose. Most of these blogs were found based on their recommendations. And so I offer a special thanks to everyone who helped contribute to this list… whether I ended up using your recommendation or not.

What is Minimalism?

"Simplicity, clarity, singleness: These are the attributes that give our lives power and vividness and joy as they are also the marks of great art." -Richard Holloway

I am often asked the question, "So what is minimalism anyway?" It is a question that is received from all different angles – from people I have just met and from people I have known for many years. I typically answer with a short, simple explanation: "I am intentionally trying to live with only the things that I really need." But I always desire to answer more in-depth. I always hope they will ask follow-up questions that allow me explain the lifestyle further.

And when they do, I like to add:

MINIMALISM IS INTENTIONALITY.

It is marked by clarity, purpose, and intentionality. At its core, minimalism is the intentional promotion of the things we most value and the removal of everything that distracts us from it. It is a life that forces intentionality. And as a result, it forces improvements in almost all aspects of your life.

MINIMALISM IS FREEDOM FROM THE PASSION TO POSSESS.

Modern culture has bought into the lie that the good life is found in accumulating things – in possessing as much as possible. They believe that more is better and have inadvertently subscribed to the idea that happiness can be purchased at a department store. But they are wrong. Minimalism brings freedom from the all-consuming passion to possess. It steps off the treadmill of consumerism and dares to seek happiness elsewhere. It values relationships, experiences, and soul-care. And in doing so, it finds life.

MINIMALISM IS FREEDOM FROM MODERN MANIA.

Our world lives at a feverish pace. We are too hurried, too rushed, and too stressed. We work long, passionate hours to pay the bills, but fall deeper into debt. We rush from one activity to another – even multitasking along the way - but never seem to get everything done. We remain in constant connection with others through our cell phones, but true life-changing relationships continue to allude us. Minimalism slows down life and frees us from this modern hysteria to live faster. It finds freedom to disengage. It seeks to keep only the essentials. It seeks to remove the frivolous and keep the significant. And in doing so, it values the intentional endeavors that add value to life.

MINIMALISM IS FREEDOM FROM DUPLICITY.

Although nobody intentionally chooses it, most people live in duplicity. They live one life around their family, one life around their co-workers, and another life around their neighbors. The lifestyle they have chosen requires them to portray a certain external image dependant upon their circumstances. They are tossed and turned by the most recent advertising campaign or the demands of their employer. On the other hand, a simple life is united and consistent. It has learned a lifestyle that is completely transferable no matter the situation. It is the same life on Friday evening as it is on Sunday morning… as it is on Monday morning. It is reliable, dependable and unfluctuating. It works in all circumstances.

MINIMALISM IS COUNTER-CULTURAL.

We live in a world that idolizes celebrities. They are photographed for magazines, interviewed on the radio, and recorded for television. Their lives are held up as the golden standard and are envied by many. People who live minimalist lives are not championed by the media in the same way. They don't fit into the consumerist culture that is promoted by corporations and politicians. Yet, they live a life that is attractive and inviting. While most people are chasing after success, glamour, and fame, minimalism calls out to us with a smaller, quieter, calmer voice. It invites us to slow down, consume less, but enjoy more. And when we meet someone living a simplified life, we often recognize that we have been chasing after the wrong things all along.

MINIMALISM IS NOT EXTERNAL, BUT INTERNAL.

In our first book, Simplify, we outline 7 guiding principles to help anyone declutter their home and life. The principles outlined in the book have helped thousands find freedom by removing much of the physical clutter in their home. But the book concentrates almost exclusively on the externals of life. And while it helps people find freedom from external clutter, it does not take the next step of helping people find freedom and unity in their heart and soul. But I have learned that minimalism is always a matter of the heart. After the external clutter has been removed, minimalism has the space to address the deepest heart issues that impact our relationships and life.

MINIMALISM IS COMPLETELY ACHIEVABLE.

A minimalist life is completely achievable. My family stands as living proof. We were just your typical family of four living in the suburbs accumulating as much stuff as our income and credit cards would allow. Then, we found minimalism. We have embraced an intentional lifestyle of living with less and will never go back to the way life was before. And we stand as living proof that minimalism is completely achievable (and unique) to anyone who seeks it.

Typically, I find that those who are generally interested in knowing "what minimalism is anyway" and take the time to ask the follow-up questions are drawn to the principles of the lifestyle. After all, it offers almost everything our heart has been asking for all along…

***

Over the past year, I have had the privilege to take part in a number of Ebook Niche Sales. The sales bring together some of the Internet's most successful authors and package their products in a one-time short-term sale that benefits everybody. This week (Monday, 12pm ET – Thursday, 12pm ET), the creators of the Only 72-Hour Niche Sale will be offering $1087 in digital resources for only $97. The focus is in Personal Development and includes products from Leo Babauta, Adam Baker, Jonathan Mead, and Charlie Gilkey. If you have ever desired any of the products they are offering, you may enjoy checking out their sale in the next 72 hours.