Joshua Becker's Blog, page 112

Caring For Your Whole Self

We are not merely physical beings, spiritual beings, or emotional beings. We are human beings. And by this, I mean, all aspects of our being make up who we are. They can not be separated from one another.

Our physical being influences our spiritual being… our spiritual being influences our emotional being… our emotional being influences our physical bodies.

Have you ever tried to think straight when you have a terrible cold? It is very difficult. Similarly, emotional wounds can often reveal themselves in unhealthy physical habits. Why? Because all aspects of our being mingle together to form who we are on any given day.

Becoming Minimalist is a website dedicated to helping others discover the life-giving benefits of owning less. It calls each of us to recognize the empty promise of consumerism and live wholly for greater pursuits.

Our lives are short. And all those things we’ve always wanted to accomplish with our lives? We should go do them.

But when we do, it is important to remember the importance of caring for ourselves in all regards.

We need to care for ourselves emotionally and mentally and physically and spiritually. Healthy habits in each area are essential. We are connected beings and one aspect always affects the others—both positively and negatively.

We must care for ourselves physically in both diet and exercise.

We must care for ourselves mentally with both rest and personal development.

We must care for ourselves intellectually by reading and growing and seeking challenge.

We must care for ourselves emotionally with proper self-awareness and healthy relationships—seeking help if necessary.

We must care for ourselves spiritually with solitude and meditation and a worldview that considers the universe bigger than ourselves.

Those who accomplish the most with their lives seek to implement wise and healthy habits in all aspects of their being. (tweet that)

Is there any area you have been neglecting recently? If so, what might be your first, small step in the right direction?

Inspiring Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

Minimalism is the intentional promotion of the things we most value and the removal of everything that distracts us from it. It requires a conscious decision because it is a countercultural lifestyle that stands against the culture of overconsumption that surrounds us.

The world we live in is not friendly to the pursuit of minimalism. Its tendencies and relentless advertising campaigns call us to acquire more, better, faster, and newer. The journey of finding simplicity requires consistent inspiration.

For that reason, I hope you will make an effort this weekend to find a quiet moment with a cup of coffee or tea and enjoy some of these hand-picked articles to encourage more simplicity in your life.

When Mommy and Daddy Took the Toys Away | Narrative.ly by Gina Ciliberto. A growing number of Americans are rethinking the urge to pamper their kids with playthings.

Stockpiling Treasures in My Junk Closet | Christianity Today by Margot Starbuck. How I got rid of 1,000 things and finally found peace.

Debt is the Illusion of Success | Frugaling by Sam Lustgarten. We need to reevaluate both success and reality.

12 Ways to Stop Wasting Money and Take Control of Your Stuff | TIME Money by Kit Yarrow. If you’re swimming in stuff, not to mention debt, check out this list of a dozen tips to stop the madness and streamline your lifestyle.

Parents, What Expectations Are We Setting for the Holidays?

Is that it?

Three words—uttered by kids—often represent the most dreaded scenario for parents on Christmas morning.

“Is that it?” As in, “Are there really no more presents? This is all I get this year?”

Nobody wants their child to be disappointed on Christmas morning. It is supposed to be a magical day with endless smiles and play. But instead, too often, it ends in disappointment—disappointment for the child as they didn’t get all they wanted and disappointment for the parent.

No wonder nobody wants to hear the phrase “Is that it?” on Christmas morning.

As parents, we react in different ways. We point out how many gifts they already opened. We promise additional gifts at grandma’s house. We wonder how many more presents we needed to buy to make them happy.

And unfortunately, too often, we put the blame on the wrong person—them.

I don’t think anybody means any harm in the words they use with their kids leading up to the holiday season. The words seem to roll off our parental tongues naturally—sometimes we even think they serve a higher purpose.

When our child misbehaves, we remind them Santa only brings presents to nice boys and girls.

When toys are advertised on TV or in stores and our child expresses interest, we tell them they should put it on their Christmas list.

We count for them how many times this season they will get to open presents: once at our house, Christmas morning at grandma’s house, Christmas evening at the other grandparents’.

We visit Santa at the mall so our kids can ask for anything they want. And then, we go back home and hang his likeness all over the house pointing to the promise of Christmas morning.

We hang stockings from our fireplace weeks before the event in anticipation of them being filled.

Even up until the night before, we promise our kids if they go to bed on-time, Santa will be sure to visit overnight with his bag of gifts specifically built for them.

Now, I should be clear, I am not saying there is no room in the Christmas season for tradition and fun and expectation.

But what I am beginning to wonder is, “Are we as parents setting ourselves up for failure? Are we inadvertantly focusing our child’s attention so much on the gifts under the tree, we couldn’t possibly live up to the expectation? Are we the ones to blame?”

A few weeks back, I was conducting an interview for a national magazine. The interviewer asked how we handled the holidays. I responded:

“We have made an intentional decision to still give our kids Christmas presents and their grandparents do the same. We see gift-giving as an appropriate expression of love. From us, our kids receive one thing they want, one thing they need, and one experience to share with the family.”

The journalist’s follow-up question was one I hadn’t heard before. She asked, “Do you find that your kids are disappointed on Christmas morning?”

I had to think before I answered because I wanted to be honest. Eventually, I answered her question, “No. I don’t think they are disappointed on Christmas morning. Maybe they were a little bit the first time, but now they have come to expect it.”

We are very open with our kids about our approach to Christmas and how many gifts they will receive. They know what to expect before the morning even arrives.

Conversely, when we exchange gifts with our extended family, disappointment actually has a better opportunity to arise. There is great anticipation. Nobody knows how many gifts are going to be unwrapped or how much money was spent… but you can almost always bet, in the kids’ mind, there will not be enough.

This holiday season, let’s be intentional about the expectations we set for our kids. Talk less about the gifts under the tree. And talk more about family and friends and faith. Promise fun with the cousins and the joy of being together with family. If you have decided to cut back on holiday gifts this year, tell your kids why—before you sit down around the tree.

Set healthy expectations. Maybe we can avoid holiday disappointment. Even better, maybe we can bring the focus of Christmas back to where it belongs.

9 Things That Shopping Can Never Deliver

We are a society that loves to go shopping.

This weekend stands as proof.

In America, a holiday previously dedicated to giving thanks has become, instead, a day for families to plan their next shopping trip. According to predictions, over 140 million Americans will go shopping this Black Friday/holiday weekend. In total, during the holiday season, Americans are expected to spend $616 billion dollars (source).

We are a culture that loves to acquire more and more. We like to shop for ourselves and we like to shop for others.

But no matter how great the sales, shopping will never deliver the things we desire most. Marketers promise the world, but never deliver.

Consider this list of pursuits, all common to the human spirit, that can never be found in the accumulation of material possessions.

1. Happiness. Shopping may, at times, deliver quick thrills and moments of superficial happiness. But the happiness that comes from buying new things is temporary and fleeting at best. It often fades faster than the purchase we just made. Always remember, there is nothing you can buy that will make you any happier than you have already chosen to be.

2. Fulfillment. Fulfillment is a byproduct of aligning our pursuits with our greatest passions. Too often, society hijacks our passion and causes us to direct it toward temporal things. But nobody gets to the end of their life and wishes they had bought more crap. They wish they had loved more, contributed more, and lived more true to themselves. Our greatest passions are for pursuits greater than material possessions.

3. Significance. Our world is quick to measure success by the amount of money in our bank account, the size of our home, or the model of our car. But, when we begin to shift our life focus to achieving significance instead of success, we wonder why we wasted most of it chasing something different—or what made us think excess was ever a good measurement of success anyway.

4. Influence. More often than we care to admit, the desire to impress others motivates our lives. This desire to impress others impacts the cars we drive, the clothes we wear, the technology we embrace, and the houses we live in. But cars rust, fashions change, and technology advances. The purchases that impressed your neighbor yesterday make no impression today. True, lasting influence is found in the lives that we live, not the things that we buy.

5. Contentment. Marketers pull at our hearts and minds to keep us desiring more. And we are far more susceptible to their messaging than we know. Over time, we begin to believe the lie that our life will be more complete with their product. But contentment can never be found in physical possessions. If it could, our drawers, closets, and garages would not be overflowing. Our discontent is evidenced in our excess. If you are not content today, there is nothing you can buy this weekend to change that. (tweet that)

6. Confidence. Because our society so heavily values physical possessions and worldly success, we often see them as a shortcut to confidence. We fall into a trap thinking our possessions increase our self-assurance. But it is a foolish decision to find our confidence in exterior belongings. Our self-confidence is more adequately found in the appreciation of our uniqueness and our drive to make the most of it.

7. Security. Security lays the foundation upon which many of our life’s choices can be built. It is essential for all other pursuits. I’m all for it. And while I would never argue against developing our talents, working hard, and trading our paychecks for food, shelter, and clothing, I would argue that most of us have exceeded the point of enough a long time ago. Instead, we are confusing security and comfort. And when we spend beyond our means to pursue comfort, our personal debt makes us less secure than if we had just stopped at security in the first place.

8. Gratitude. It is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy. Gratefulness is a life discipline that results from choosing to recognize the many blessings we already possess. It is never a byproduct of shopping. In fact, if we do not feel grateful for what we already have, what makes us think we’d be happy with more?

9. Freedom. Not only does shopping not deliver freedom, it brings the exact opposite. Each purchase we make adds extra worry to our lives. Every physical item we own represents one more thing that can be broken, scratched, or stolen. The sense of freedom that comes from owning less is truly refreshing. Indeed, it is more than a feeling; it is a reality that can define your life.

Shopping never delivers the things we desire most. We will need to look elsewhere.

7 Tips to Overcome Holiday Gift Clutter

Well before the over-commercialization of holidays and society, gift-giving was practiced. It is a tradition as old as time itself.

Gifts can be given for the purpose of expressing love, showing appreciation, gaining favor, smoothing over a disagreement, or even manipulating for personal gain. Because of these varied motivations, our approach to decluttering gifts and handling holiday clutter can get complicated—especially if the motivations behind gift-giving are selfish in nature.

Before considering how to declutter gifts, it is important to articulate these motivations so we can recognize them and proceed appropriately.

Personally, I respect gift-giving as a love language and do not want to rob my family members of that joy. If this is their motivation, we prefer quality over quantity, needs over wants, experiences over products, and provide gift wish-lists whenever possible. For the kids, we reevaluate toy boxes and closet space a few months after the holidays to determine if there are items (new or old) to remove. The philosophy is simple, straight-forward, and easy to manage.

But, if the motivation behind gift-giving is manipulative in nature, I have other opinions. Gifts given with an hidden agenda are less appreciated. These can be difficult to recognize at first, but over time, givers with these manipulative habits will identify themselves. It is important to address your concern with this type of gift-giver—and this does not have to be done in a confrontational manner, it can still be accomplished with respect and tact.

Of course, the most difficult gift-giver to address is the one who should be motivated by love, but is motivated by selfish gain instead. It is important to be aware and assertive in these circumstances. Find a private moment to ask the giver if they are expecting anything in return for the gift. Allowing them to audibly declare “no” will be a helpful step for you and them. If the problem persists, it is within your right to not accept a gift. If this is the only way for the giver to recognize the severity of their problem, you may actually be giving them a gift by saying no.

For the sake of this conversation, let’s seek to address the genuine gift-giving process. Holidays, birthdays, and special circumstances seem to stack on top of one another. And given our culture’s propensity to commercialize any and every festival and celebration, the receiving of gifts and the subsequent clutter is most certainly on your mind.

How can we create space to both humbly accept gifts and remain clutterfree? What specific steps can we take to successfully overcome holiday gift clutter?

1. Begin with fewer possessions. We have celebrated numerous gift-giving holidays and special occasions since deciding to become minimalist. Each time, I am reminded one benefit of minimalism is that there is “room to add.” Because we have kept our personal belongings and kids’ toys down to a minimum through regular sorting and purging, there is room in our home for new things to enter. Although adding new things may seem counter-productive to the pursuit of minimalism, it is in fact, one good reason to consider it.

2. Make your gift requests known early. Though it does not always work out this way, gift-givers should desire to match their gifts with the receiver’s wishes. Creating gift lists and providing them to family members well in advance of holidays and celebrations can be a very helpful tool in limiting the clutter collection. Work hard to provide a wide-range of gift ideas varying in prices. Again, follow this formula: request quality over quantity, needs over wants, and experiences over products.

3. Make a memorable statement. Issue this Holiday Gift Exemption Certificate.

4. Be patient with your family. If living with less is a new pursuit for you, do not expect everyone else in your family to understand the first time around (especially if you are known for going through various phases in the past). Eventually, years down the road, they will begin to understand this is a lifestyle you are seeking to embrace for the long term and their gift-giving habits will likely evolve.

5. Humbly accept they may indeed have a good idea. Pride is always costly. It prevents us from seeing important life changes and other people’s points of view (among other things). This is important to remember when accepting gifts—especially from thoughtful gift-givers. When accepting gifts, embrace the idea that they may indeed know something that will add value to your life and benefit you in the long run. Be open to receiving their gifts and input. It would be foolish and proud for us to assume we know all the good things that could be added to our lives.

6. Purge guilt-free. It may take some time for you and your family to sort out which holiday gifts add value to your home and which only add clutter. With kids, it can often take months to determine which toys are a passing fad and which will become truly loved. Give it some time. But as the value of the gifts begin to reveal themselves, purge guilt-free. The gifts were given to you or your children (ideally with no strings attached). And, if they will find more use given to someone else, then please don’t hesitate to give them away. Rare is the gift-giver who wants their gift to be a burden on you or your home.

7. Reciprocate your request. You hope, desire, and expect other people to give gifts that align with your desires. Return the sentiment when you give gifts to others. Just because you make a desperate plea for experiences over products does not mean your brother, sister, father, or mother is requesting the same. If they would like new shoes, consider buying them new shoes. If they make it clear they desire a department store gift card for their birthday, at the very least, consider giving them a department store gift card. Giving gifts is an opportunity to show your love and appreciation. You can make your case for anti-consumerism at a different time.

Winston Churchill once wrote, “We make a living by what we get. But we make a life by what we give.” There are countless benefits to living with less. One of the greatest benefits is the newfound freedom to pursue generosity with our money, our time, and talents.

May we, as those who seek to live intentional lives, break free from the selfish tendencies of consumerism. And instead, choose to err on the side of generosity. May it be expressed in our gift-giving—and may we be generous in our gift-receiving as well.

Inspiring Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

Never underestimate the importance of abandoning crap you don’t need.

Encouragement is important in all areas of life, but especially when trying to live a life different than those around us.

It provides us with motivation to persevere. It invites us to dream dreams of significance for our lives. And it begs us to work diligently with optimism and promise.

Overcoming the pull of consumerism is a difficult challenge regardless of our stage in life. Simplicity requires encouragement. To that end, I hope you will find motivation in these articles below.

Each post was intentionality chosen to inspire simplicity in your life. For maximum effect, find a quiet moment this weekend and enjoy them with a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

How Living with Less Can Give You More | SUCCESS by Melissa Balmain. Discover how people improved their lives by paring possessions, forgoing conveniences, and downsizing their homes.

The Science Of Simplicity: Why Successful People Wear The Same Thing Every Day | Elite Daily by John Haltiwanger. We waste so many precious moments concerning ourselves with frivolous details.

Your Kids, Too? Practical Advice When Kids Have Too Much Stuff. | The Washington Post by Sharon Holbrook. It may be an uphill battle, fellow parents, but let’s do it. We’ve got nothing to lose but the junk.

The Emptiness of Accolades | Storyline by Joshua Becker. The life we live is the life we live regardless if anybody notices or not.

Modern Moms Looking For Perfection in All the Wrong Places | New York Post by Karol Markowicz. There’s an instinct in every parent to try to give our kids everything. But “everything” doesn’t have to be living up to some picture-ready ideal you saw on the Web.

Choosing Better Work Over More Tools

Note: This is a guest post from Kristoffer Carter of This Epic Life.

How much of our creativity is in our hands versus in our tools?

This question comes up for me more and more often as my arsenal of music gear gets intentionally downsized or pushed out of the house by more kids.

I am a former touring bassist, and now Dad and kriya yogi. Music gear has always been important to me. But meditation forces me to examine and pare down undesirable habits and unnecessary material goods. As a musician, my fear can sometimes be: “…but what if this guitar (or pedal) has my signature tone in it?”

On our best days we remember that our tone, our art, our work resides in us—in our hands, not in our tools.

Tools are important. They are a means of getting the job done. And certainly some jobs require more tools for specialized functions. (NASCAR pit mechanics & painters come to mind.)

But artists can become overly-reliant on their tools. Tennis players and golfers fidget with different rackets or clubs. Photographers believe the next lens will magically improve their photographs. And musicians are famous for masking insufficient talent beneath a mountain of gear.

But the best musicians I’ve ever played with can sound like themselves on any instrument. Their tone shines through from their soul because they have honed their craft.

He’s not a friend yet, but let’s consider U2’s The Edge.

In terms of playing style he’s incredibly minimal, yet also one of the most respected and successful guitarists in history. His parts are memorable because he uses just a few choice notes with layered effects.

In the documentary It Might Get Loud, Edge’s style is contrasted with other musicians.

In the opening scene you see Jack White welding together a ramshackle guitar. In the next, you have The Edge standing in a room with hundreds of pristine guitars, amps, and processors. Both are living legends, but they have very different approaches to how they leverage their tools in creating their art.

During one show in Barcelona during U2’s massive 360 tour, The Edge used 21 guitars and 4 amps for 24 songs.

But both he and his guitar tech credit only 1 amp as “the basis for his sound.” (It’s a 1964 Vox AC30 for any of you gearheads.)

What does Dallas Schoo, The Edge’s guitar tech for nearly 30 years, say is the true differentiator? “The Vox AC30 is the basis of Edge’s sound. Live, and in the studio—well, aside from what’s in his head and his hands, and the magic he brings to what he does.”

Pretty interesting, coming from the most tenured guitar tech for the largest touring production in history.

Edge, in the book “U2 at the End of the World” had a remarkable quote. It’s at the heart of what I feel so many creatives miss:

Notes actually do mean something. They have power. I think of notes as being expensive. You just don’t throw them around. I try to find the one’s that do the best job, and that’s what I use. I suppose I’m a minimalist instinctively. I don’t like to be inefficient if I can get away with it.

The stats, and his quote speak to the paradox that exists for many of us minimalist creatives.

Although he’s minimalist in notes, The Edge can’t cut corners on a multimillion-dollar show where people are paying thousands of dollars for some seats.

So how do we know when tools are improving our work, or when they are making us more inefficient instead?

As artists, we need to keep the quality of our work at the core of what we offer, and not the tools we use to get the job done.

Whenever a project makes me think I need more gear, I start mindlessly scrolling through Amazon or eBay for deals. I regain focus by asking myself a rather painful question:

“Am I shopping for more gear, or a better performance?”

Marketers love to hammer our pain points, then politely offer to hold our wallet while we writhe in our inadequacy.

It is not a marketer’s job to care about the quality of our work. They just want to sell us more tools.

It’s our job to care about our work, our art, or our tennis game. You want to become great, and develop a signature style? Find a few tools that are ergonomically correct, then start pursuing mastery—not in the pursuit of more gear, but in the honing of your craft.

Life and art rarely benefit from layering on more complexity.

As an aspiring writer I’ve stacked far too many empty moleskins in every corner of my house. That was, until I heard this lyric from Paul Simon in his song Hurricane Eye:

You want to be a writer? Don’t know how, or when?  Find a quiet place, use a humble pen.

I can see now how trimming back the distractions and focusing on my craft has led to creating the art I always dreamed of. No new piece of gear or collection of fancy pens was going to ship my work. That was my job.

To focus on choosing better work over more tools, I have begun to embrace the following principles when it comes to my art:

1. Instead of choosing more tools, choose yourself. (tweet that)

2. Instead of investing money in the promise of better output, invest time, focus, and patience in creating your best impact. In my music, marriage, speaking career, distance running, and especially in my meditation practice I realize there are no shortcuts.

3. Tools can sometimes hack proficiency, but you can’t hack mastery. Period. There’s only showing up, and trying our best to do good work. Day after day, year after year.

4. Keep it stealth. Fill both sides of every page before upgrading your journal. Travel light to your writing retreats, trying to recapture simpler days before we had to stop constantly to recharge something. Don’t bail on a tool at the first sight of frustration, push through it. You may need a new tool, but maybe you just need to walk through the valley before reaching the mountaintop.

5. Whenever you find yourself needing an upgrade, ask: Do I really need more tools, or do I need more time to hone my craft? It’s important to address the root cause, instead of adding more complexity that will only delay the impact you’re trying to achieve.

6. Pare down to the essentials. Which of your basic tools create your most high-leverage output? There are some phenomenal photographers and cinematographers out there using only smart phones. Laptops may be our window to the universe, but a decent pen and a single moleskin can pull something distinctly more human out of us.

A true practitioner of yoga needs only a relatively quiet place to seek The Divine. Similarly, the artist in each of us may be desperately calling out for more space, not more gear.

***

Kristoffer Carter (“kc”) inspires visionary leaders to create their deepest possible impact through his work with This Epic Life. This week he launches Your Signature Impact.

The Importance of Moving From Applause to Participation

“You may never know what results come from your actions. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.” ―Mahatma Gandhi

This past weekend, I attended a major sporting event with my 12-year old son, Salem. Here’s the selfie to prove it. It was a close game. And our team won in dramatic fashion.

If you’ve ever attended a sporting event (especially football), you know the fans in attendance can be quite passionate at times.

The overweight, 30-year old man next to me criticized the coach the entire game for not calling the right plays. Apparently, a play-action pass would guarantee a score on almost every play. Never mind the fact that the actual coach had probably spent 60+ hours watching film and meticulously planning for this game… apparently the guy next to me knew more.

Meanwhile the 50-year old woman behind us with the raspy voice knew, somehow, that the referees had a bias against our team. Every call they made against the home team was wrong and I lost count how many times they didn’t call a penalty on the other guys. The fact that we were 22 rows up and the refs were within feet of the players didn’t seem to bother her… apparently she saw everything better than the trained professionals.

But I’ll leave those thoughts aside for now. There are probably some life lessons to be drawn about leadership and criticism and humility, but maybe I will save them for another time.

During the game, on this particular afternoon, I was struck by our propensity to applaud others. It seems we are a people who love to cheer.

We are quick to clap and stand and whistle when people accomplish great feats. We applaud enthusiastically at athletic events, musical venues, dramatic performances, spacecraft landings, and even product launches.

Applause is important to us. It allows us to express appreciation, offer encouragement, and even affect the outcome of sporting events. It makes us feel like we are part of the action… and that is where applause can become deceptive.

Applause is not the same as participation—at least, not in all cases. But I fear that often times, we confuse the two.

Recently, Fast Company published an article about advocacy based on a study conducted by Cone Communications. The study revealed that 60% of Americans believe tweeting or posting information online is an effective form of advocacy or support. While activism used to require making a donation, volunteering time, or signing a petition, in today’s world, “activism” has become as simple as clicking a button.

And while the study is quick to point out that ‘liking’ or ‘tweeting’ about a social cause does help raise awareness, less than 35% of respondents who supported a cause online could point to an actual donation made to the same cause. Applause has become confused with participation.

Alison DaSilva, executive vice president of Cone Communications, sums it this way, “It’s no surprise we’re seeing a gap between the actions Americans say they’d like to take online and what they’re actually doing; considering the bulk of online activities offered today are focused on more passive actions, such as watching a video or ‘liking’ a social page.”

Cheering for a cause is rarely the same as participating in it.

Recently, the Ice Bucket Challenge made a big splash on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube. According to some data about the campaign, more than 90% of the people mentioning it (posting themselves being doused or passing on the word) did not make a financial donation to support actual research on the disease.

Seth Godin called it slacktivism.

Were there benefits to the campaign? Sure. In fact, millions of dollars were raised for ALS research and related organizations. Applause does have its place.

So cheer on charity. Retweet and Like those organizations that are working to make a difference and overcome injustice in our world. Enthusiastically applaud those who are doing important work.

But don’t forget that most charities need more than your applause. They need your time. They need your money. And they need your expertise.

They need you to step off the sideline and get into the game.

10 Things I Gained When I Gave Up All My Stuff

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Allison Vesterfelt. Follow her on Twitter.

It started about four years ago, my journey with minimalism. I was single at the time, living in Portland, Oregon.

Looking back, I don’t think I would have called it minimalism. But I would have told you that, at some point, I looked around my life and realized I had collected a lot of stuff and that I would never really be able to pursue what mattered most to me if I wasn’t able to let go of my physical possessions.

Actually, I would have emphasized, it wasn’t just my possessions, but the way I thought about them.

At first, I resisted this notion. I worried giving up my stuff would make me seem flighty and immature, and I especially worried that would mean I would never get married. I was in my late twenties at the time and I was convinced no guy would take me seriously without a good job and a house full of nice things. This was just one of the many toxic thoughts that was keeping me trapped.

Meanwhile, in another part of the country, my now-husband was on his own journey with minimalism. Though we didn’t know each other yet, he was realizing, like I was, that his physical possessions weren’t doing for him what he thought they would. And he was challenging himself to let them go.

By the time we met each other, we were knee-deep in questions about how life was meaningful beyond our physical stuff.

We were prepared, in this really beautiful way, to continue asking those questions together.

For the past several years, my husband and I have been experimenting. I say “experimenting” because it has been a process for us to figure out how much stuff is too much stuff, how much is too little, and where a healthy balance lies for us in each different season. But the most beautiful part of this journey is this: even when we’ve erred on one side or the other, the journey has been incredibly rewarding.

We’ve lost a lot of stuff along the way, but we don’t miss it.

Here’s what we’ve gained:

1. Peace of mind.

I didn’t realize how much I worried about my stuff until I let it all go, and suddenly I had mental and emotional energy again. It’s a similar feeling to letting go of bitterness you’ve been harboring for a long time. You don’t even realize you are holding it, and then you let it go, and suddenly realize—you’re free.

This is how it has felt to let go of my stuff. At first, the idea (like forgiveness) seems horrific. How could I give up these clothes, or these fancy pillows, or this box of letters?! They were so important to me. But then, I let them go, and after six months, I could hardly remember why I ever needed them so much. I found so much peace in letting go.

2. Impulse control.

If you would have asked me five years ago, I would have told you ‘impulse aisles’ were designed for people just like me. How I said it would have been important, too (“just like me”) because I assumed that I was just the “type” of person who didn’t have control over her impulses. Little did I know that having control over my impulses wasn’t an issue of personality or temperament, but of discipline.

Ever since I stopped buying stuff, the most amazing thing has happened. I have walk-away power. I can walk into Target, or to a grocery store, and only buy the things I need, or walk out empty-handed if they don’t have what I was looking for. I know that sounds simple, but it translates to a sense of control over much bigger areas of my life as well.

3. Health and happiness.

I’m actually healthier and happier since I’ve lived with less stuff. Probably because I sleep more, work less, and feel less stress about money.

4. Freedom to pursue my dreams.

In the past few years I’ve been able to pursue the things that really matter to me because I’m not bogged down by things like car payments, a job I hate (but that pays my bills); and because I’m not so attached to my physical possessions that I’m unwilling to put them in a storage unit for a couple of months, or ditch them and get different ones later.

For me, this has meant I’ve been able to travel, write a book, develop friendships, spend more time with my husband, work on projects I care about, and spend time at a non-profit in my area that gives me joy and satisfies my spirit. What could this kind of freedom mean for you?

5. A more nuanced understanding of “responsibility.” 

I used to think I couldn’t give up most of what I owned—and I certainly couldn’t quit my full-time job—because it wouldn’t be “responsible.” But as I began to give up my possessions, I realized that I had a really skewed view of what responsibility was and what it meant. I thought buying a certain kind of laundry detergent was more “responsible” than buying another.

What I’m learning is that responsibility looks different for everyone, and that part of being responsible is knowing how to care for your spiritual and emotional self, which transcend the physical. What if part of being “responsible,” in other words, is listening to your spirit when it tells you, each morning as you drive to work, or as you look at the clutter in your house, that it is suffocating?

6. Extra cash.

I used to think I barely made enough money to pay my bills. I lived pretty much paycheck to paycheck. But it’s amazing how much room we found in our budget when we realized we could live without cable, internet, or gym memberships. We also share a car (that we own outright) and don’t have any credit cards.

The exact decisions we’ve made wouldn’t work for everyone, but what we’ve learned is that there is often room in our budgets we didn’t realize was there, and when we gave up the things we didn’t really want in the first place, we were able to collect invaluable experiences we never would have been able to afford otherwise.

7. Once in a lifetime experiences.

We’re always trying to curate experiences, so we travel all the time—to conferences, to weddings, to vacations, or just to visit friends. When one of us goes on a work trip, the other often comes. We love to try new restaurants, explore new places, and be generous with friends. We host people at our apartment in Nashville often, and sometimes even fly friends in. We spend money on classes, books, and experiments.

We take a small part of our paychecks each month and set it aside to curate experiences that will be memorable. We never regret spending money on experience.

8. Courage.

It’s amazing how scared I was when my life was centered around all of my stuff. I would actually have recurring nightmares about my stuff (which my dad, who is a clinical psychologist, assures me was about more than just physical stuff, but about what physical stuff represented to me). Regardless, I can hardly believe I created such a sense of security around physical possessions.

Since I gave up my stuff, I’m amazed at the sense of courage I’ve found.

Because my stuff does not define me, I am able to take more risks for things that really matter. (tweet that)

9. A developed sense of self.

For a long time I thought that what I owned said something about me, and maybe in a way, it does. But the way I felt like it said something about me was this: If I owned a couch from Pottery Barn, that meant I had really made it. When I could stop buying my furniture at IKEA, then I’d really be an adult.

Now, that thought seems so ludicrous to me (and sad, and demeaning). But I think what I felt was that what I owned was a reflection of my self-worth. And now, thanks to the fact that I don’t have a couch from Pottery Barn, and never have, my self worth comes from somewhere much deeper and more secure. You can’t put a price on that.

10. Better relationships.

It’s no surprise that with more courage, a better understanding of myself (my real self), less anxiety, more freedom and greater discipline that my relationships have improved dramatically. My friendships are richer and more satisfying. I fight with my husband less. I’m less likely to end up in a toxic relationship that steals all of my energy. It’s easier for me to let silly things go that don’t matter—because I understand what matters now.

My life isn’t perfect, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been, more satisfied than I ever was before. I would never go back.

***

Allison Vesterfelt inspires and encourages others to live with less. She is definitely worth following on Twitter. 

Inspiring Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

Fill your life with stories to tell, not stuff to show.

The simplicity/minimalism movement is a beautiful community. It is friendly, encouraging, and helpful. There is a genuine understanding that any promotion of simplicity is good for society—and there is little concern over who gets the credit for it.

It is a pleasure to be part of such a wonderful group of people. And I enjoy every opportunity to promote writing that encourages people to live more by owning less.

So fix yourself a nice warm cup of coffee or tea. Find a quiet moment this weekend. And enjoy some encouraging words to inspire more simplicity in your life today.

The Empty Container | Zen Habits by Leo Babauta. What would you do if your life was a blank slate? If it were an empty container, with limited space, what would you put in it?

Unclutter Your Mind: The Power Of Getting Rid Of Things | Forbes by Neil Kane. My load is lighter and my life is simpler. Focusing on things that matter has become easier.

Alice Gregory on Finding a Uniform | J. Crew by Alice Gregory. I’ve always wanted a uniform. Low maintenance and iconic, it’s a cheap and easy way to feel famous.

Two Dozen Retailers Won’t Open on Thanksgiving–And They’re Shaming the Ones That Will | Time Money by Brad Tuttle. A slew of national retailers are making a point of the fact that they aren’t going along with the trend to open earlier and earlier on Thanksgiving Day.

Simplify: 7 Guiding Principles to Help Anyone Declutter Their Home and Life | Amazon Kindle by Joshua Becker ($0.99). For the past week, our book has been the #1 Self-Help book on Amazon. Simplify provides the motivation and blueprint for you to begin your own journey towards a better life. Grab a copy today for even more weekend reading.