Joshua Becker's Blog, page 111

9 Important Strategies for Raising Children in a World of Technology

“We refuse to turn off our computers, turn off our phone, log off Facebook, and just sit in silence, because in those moments we might actually have to face up to who we really are.” —Jefferson Bethke

Last September, Allison Slater Tate wrote an important article in the Washington Post: Parenting as a Gen Xer: We’re the first generation of parents in the age of iEverything.

Allison articulates and draws attention to a unique struggle facing our generation of parents. Namely, how to raise children in an age of technology.

She sums up our current challenge like this:

My generation, it seems, had the last of the truly low-tech childhoods, and now we are among the first of the truly high-tech parents…

When it comes to parenting, I find this middle place extremely uncomfortable, because I know what childhood and adolescence were like before the Internet, but all my parenting models came from that era…

Technology wins the prize for being the trickiest parenting challenge I have faced.

Parents today know the decisions we make for our kids concerning technology are important—but entirely without context. (tweet that)

Our conversations on the sidelines at soccer games about these issues are never based on proven experience (When I was a kid, my mom used to…). Instead, it is based on guesswork and the little wisdom we have gained (Well, this is what we have decided to do. What about you guys?).

Allison summarizes it well, “ What we are doing is unprecedented—no study yet knows exactly what this iChildhood will look like when our children are full grown people.”

There are no proven answers to the questions we are asking. That’s what makes this so difficult. Well, that, and the fact that even the questions are changing at an alarming rate.

But this is a conversation we should be having. Not because we will all choose to parent the same, but because there is wisdom in numbers. And the more intentionality we apply to our parenting the better.

I would like to start. My children are 12 and 8.

Here are 9 important strategies we have sought to implement raising children in an age of technology:

1. Technology is not discouraged in our home. Technology, it appears, is going to be around for quite awhile. Our kids will need the skills in the future—they already do in the present. Parenting is not about shielding our children from the tools of the world, but equipping them to use those tools properly. We should be active and intentional in teaching them how to use technology effectively and to its fullest potential. In practical terms, this means both of my children received iPods on their 7th birthday. And they will receive phones on their 13th.

2. Moderation is encouraged and modeled. While we know very little about the future of technology and how it might look, we do have ample study on the effects of screen time: Studies have shown that excessive media use can lead to attention problems, school difficulties, sleep and eating disorders, and obesity. Most recently, The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends television and other entertainment media should be avoided entirely for infants and children under age 2. For older kids, “To help them make wise media choices, parents should monitor their media diet for both duration and content.” We have adopted a similar philosophy to the one mentioned by Allison, “We make the children sit in public places when they are on devices or laptops, we look over shoulders, we check text message histories and set parental controls. We worry about their cyber footprints.”

3. Age restrictions on technology are an appropriate guideline. The minimum age for Facebook / Instagram is 13 years old. We are not allowing our kids to have accounts on those networks (or others) before the minimum age limit is reached. While some kids under the age of 13 may be mature enough to use the networks wisely, there is a bigger issue at play—honesty. When we allow our children to misrepresent their age/identity solely for the purpose of gaining access, we set a dangerous precedent.

4. Technology is changing the way we relate to one another, but face-to-face conversation is still important in the present (and will likely be important in the future). Technology is permanently changing the way we communicate—whether it is for the better or not remains to be seen. Older generations will argue technology is destroying conversation, younger generations will argue technology is enhancing it. Only time will tell. But either way, our children will forever live in a world where their immediate elders (parents) respect and expect verbal conversation. Future generations may value it less. But in the meantime, for our children to be successful in communicating with older generations, they must be able to communicate both online and in-person. We should create safe opportunities where they can learn.

5. Technology increases opportunity for distraction. From leaving present conversations, procrastinating important work, or losing the ability to self-reflect, technology represents an ever-present temptation to leave difficult places. Those who will succeed in the future will be the ones who learn to overcome this temptation.

6. Technology can be used for consumption or creation. Choose creation whenever possible. This is, perhaps, one of the most important distinctions concerning technology that we can teach our children. We can play video games… or we can create them. We can browse Facebook… or we can create places and communities that serve a purpose. There is a place in our world for technological consumption—but as an approach to life, creation trumps consumption every day. Help your children know the difference.

7. Your self-worth can not be calculated by likes and shares and retweets. The praise of others is a fickle thing upon which to measure our worth. It is a foolish, ever-changing target. It often negatively impacts the decisions we make and the life we choose to live, but it never fully satisfies our hearts or our souls. It is important for our kids to understand their self-worth must be found elsewhere. And it is equally important for us as adults to learn the same.

8. You can’t believe everything you see on the Internet. The Internet could use more fact checkers—though I am not overly concerned about this. My elementary-aged kids already debate whether Wikipedia is a reliable source for school projects. Far more damaging, in my opinion, are the profiles we create representing ourselves online. We post our most glorious moments online, but hide the most painful. We build a facade of happiness, success, and an image of having it all together. But inside, we are as lost and broken as the next person. Our online selves need more authenticity. And our children need to know the danger of comparing themselves to the rose-colored profiles created on social media.

9. Technology serves a purpose. It should solve problems. Purchasing technology purely for the sake of owning technology is a fool’s gold—and has run countless others into great debt. When it comes to buying (or using) technology, I want my children to be routinely asking the question, “What problem does it solve?” Because technology should make our lives easier and more efficient. And if a new technology is not solving an existing problem, it is only adding to them.

Parenting requires a healthy balance of humility and fierce resolve.

Are there any important strategies you have implemented with your kids that you think are important to add?

It’s Your Life. You Write the Story.

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Chris Wehkamp of Parents Who.

New Year’s Day has come and gone. The toasts have been raised and the resolutions have been made. Another fresh batch of 30 dozen opportunities now stretch out before us.

But let’s fast-forward past all the days of 2015. Let’s imagine tonight is December 31st, 2015, the last night of the year.

The ball hasn’t dropped quite yet, but there’s a break in the revelry around you. The music and laughter of the party grows quiet, the celebration momentarily dies down.

In this moment of peace, your mind reflects on the events of your life during 2015. You relive your proudest success, your most embarrassing misstep, and everything in-between.

You pore through the year in your mind—like flipping through the familiar pages of a much-thumbed book.

Now you are back in the present.

Answer this question: Who wrote that book?

1. You Are The Protagonist

Humans tell stories to make sense of our world, to create meaning for ourselves, and to provide inspiration for others.

Being the protagonist in your own story is about accepting the role of “good guy.”

You are the one in 2015 who will make the conscious choice to drink one less soda per day, finish one great book per month, or buy one less object per week.

One of the greatest virtues that a website like Becoming Minimalist provides for me and my family is the steadfast reminder that the meaning we ascribe to our stuff, our clutter, and the objects in our lives is created by us alone.

That reminder returns the power to us, where it has always been. It removes our illusions. It calls us to shape that meaning in a way that is best for us, our families, and our world.

It reminds us that in the screenplay of our lives, we decide what all these props will mean.

You are the hero who gets to decide which triumphs you will aspire and work towards for yourself and your family in 2015.

Nobody else.

2. You Are The Villain

Since 1962, Spider-Man has taught the world “with great power comes great responsibility.”

Through his arrogance and apathy, Peter Parker allowed a chain of events to unfold which resulted in the death of his beloved uncle Ben.

You are, always and forever, your worst enemy.

I am reminded of this in my own life all too often.

As my wife Sarah and I strive each week to create original children’s audio stories to improve the quality time of families around the world, we encounter our fair share of obstacles.

These obstacles often appear disguised as important meetings, fun social events, family obligations, fears, or worries.

They seem to come into our lives from the outside. But that is just an illusion. These obstacles originate from within.

When we don’t accept the responsibility of the power we wield over our own lives, when we give that power away to distraction or clutter or fear, we are the Villain.

You are the one who will trip yourself in 2015, the one who will make rationalizations, the one who will listen to the soft, familiar voice of fear.

Nobody else.

3. You Are The Author

We are creatures built to search for meaning. When we don’t find it, our hearts and our minds invent it automatically.

What 2015 will mean to you will ultimately come down to the kind of story you tell yourself each and every day.

The exciting news is that you always have a choice.

You can choose to turn off the printing press and rewrite your story with intention. (tweet that)

2015 offers 365 new opportunities (delivered one after another) to make little changes that add up to big differences.

We can choose to write the stories of our lives in 2015 to be filled with mindfulness, gratitude, and abundant love for each other and our world.

We can choose to write the stories of our families to be full of kindness and laughter; resiliency and authenticity; healing and hope.

We can choose to write the stories of our personal spiritual journeys to be guided by faith and forgiveness; wisdom and understanding.

We are the defenders and the scoundrels and the authors of our own story. It’s up to you and me to make 2015 a story worth reading.

Nobody else.

***

Chris Wehkamp is the cofounder of Parents Who with his wife Sarah. Together, they seek to enhance the precious time you spend with your family each day.

The Urge to Splurge

Editor’s Note:  This is a guest post from Sam Lustgarten of Frugaling.

“All ads do the same: create an anxiety relievable by purchase.” ―David Foster Wallace

Over the last year-and-a-half, I’ve worked to reduce expenses, increase income, and refrain from consumeristic rewards (i.e., shopping sprees and dinners). I’ve opted for more empowered life directions of self-reflection and growth.

My methods have been rather boring: focusing on the important and refraining from buying “wants.” These aren’t ingenious ideas, and you’ve probably read them countless times before.

Despite my methodical approach, I’m imperfect. And one aspect of my life continuously challenges these efforts: dating.

As a single graduate student in a small, Midwestern town, it’s been difficult to find relationships. Both my schedule and avenues for meeting people are severely restricted; at least, during academic semesters. Additionally, my budget is tight every month—deviations quickly lead to debt. It’s a wicked combination.

With these apprehensions, I’ve cautiously taken to trying out the online dating world; in particular, Tinder. In case you haven’t heard about or used it, Tinder is a Millennial-friendly dating app for smartphones. Users are tasked with one job: swipe one direction or another (left for “nope” and right for “like”) to find a match. It can be superficial and vapid, but also, reflective of in-person judgments.

If both users swipe right — hallelujah! — there’s a match and they can now message each other. If there ever was a minimalist dating app, this is it. There’s no profile to read or questions to fill out—only the faces of potential dates.

Remarkably, my nerdy self matched up with a few people over the last couple months. But before any of those “matches” could turn into dates, I pondered my life and presentation. What would I wear? My closest of clothing feels stale. How much would I share about being a frugal minimalist? I feel cheaper than cheap. Where would we go to eat, drink, and/or talk that was also in the budget? My budget is difficult to maintain even without dates. How many of these dates could I even afford? Not many!

These questions coarse through me like never before, and I oscillate between pride and embarrassment for this new way of life. Part of me feels the blush against my cheeks, as I admit to a potential date that I’m frugal and cannot afford much on my budget. The other piece notices the powerful changes I’ve made that have revolutionized my budget and financial future.

Dating has a way of making me fear what others think of my new mores. Two weeks ago I went on a first date that made me question my motivation for frugality and minimalism. And it all started with my hair.

The dinner date was going well, and there was a gentle, sarcastic banter back and forth. I looked into her eyes, and wondered what she would think about my habits. Would we be compatible? Then, these mental explorations were cut short by my date’s question.

“Where do you get your hair cut?” she asked.

I stroked my hand over a newly-buzzed head of hair and confidently replied, “I did it!”

Little did she know, but I’d been cutting my hair for years. While I don’t have the full range of styles, I get the job done and can’t beat the price: a $20 hair clipper purchased in 2009.

Suddenly, showing all the surprise and disgust of someone eating an old, brown, past-due pistachio, she exclaimed, “Well, that’s the last hair cut you ever give yourself. It’s time for you to grow up and go to a real barber!”

I felt hurt and insulted. How could she say that to me? Did it really look bad? I immediately felt defensive.

Afterwards, I went home and sat down for a while—reviewing my reactions. Her comment felt similar to an advertisement. What this person in front of me was saying was that I didn’t fit her model of a man. Even more, she was suggesting that I should spend money in the process to purchase what I was lacking. It seemed oddly familiar.

Don’t corporations try to do the same thing?

Marketing teams work tirelessly to propagate popular culture norms and set the standard for beauty, wants, and various products that will make you the “best a man can get.”

Websites, movies, and magazines bombard us with messages that compel us to consume. Advertisements punctuate “breaks,” but hook us into staying at full volume for a taste of the “good life.”

Instead of being hurt, degraded, and insulted by commercials, I’m often passive. But why do I (and we) let ourselves idly accept messages from multinational corporations that we wouldn’t desire in casual conversation? Why can I (and we) know this will be the first and last date, but not do the same with commercials? When is enough, enough?

Fortunately, there is power in our response. Next time, notice your feelings when viewing an advertisement say something about who you are. Realize your emotions (“I’m sad”) are only thoughts (“I’m having thoughts of sadness”). Pause to reflect on this difference between the two.

Thoughts provide distance to read the ongoing, bombarding ticker tape that is our daily experience. With this emotional review, we can more mindfully turn off the response to spend and find that we were always enough—buzzed haircut and all.

***

Sam Lustgarten blogs at Frugaling.org where he helps others save for tomorrow while enjoying today. You can also follow him on Twitter. 

Inspiring Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

Fill your life with stories to tell, not stuff to show.

The simplicity/minimalism movement is a beautiful community. It is friendly, encouraging, and helpful. There is a genuine understanding that any promotion of simplicity is good for society—and there is little concern over who gets the credit for it.

It is a pleasure to be part of such a wonderful group of people. And I enjoy every opportunity to promote writing that encourages people to live more by owning less.

So fix yourself a nice warm cup of coffee or tea. Find a quiet moment this weekend. And enjoy some encouraging words to inspire more simplicity in your life today.

Why “Minimalism” Should Be Your 2015 Resolution | The Lala by Paige Pope. Nobody really believes happiness is directly tied to the number of things we own. Yet almost all of us live like it.

Why I’m doing something I don’t like doing today | Jon Acuff by Jon Acuff. Want a grateful 16 year old? Teach a 6 year old gratitude and give him 10 years to practice.

There’s too many things. | The Tonight Show by Jerry Seinfeld Stand-Up (5:48). “All things on earth only exist in different stages of becoming garbage. ”

 Use a ‘Minimalist Wardrobe’ to Simplify Your Life | TreeHugger by Katherine Martinko. There is a reason why many successful people wear the same thing every day. Not having to worry about one’s clothes can be a huge stress reducer.

___

A Simple Year 2015 | Simple Year by Courtney Carver. Throughout the 12 months of 2015, I will be teaming up with 7 of my favorite writers and simple-living advocates to offer A Simple Year: 12 Months of Guided Simplicity. If you are looking for even more help in your simplification journey, I hope you will join us. The cost for 1 year of access is $199.

7 Tips to Help Keep Your Resolution to Declutter

There is a wonderful freedom in owning less.

The beginning of every new year brings excitement, anticipation, and opportunity. It also brings resolution.

People around the world will use January 1 as motivation to make changes in their lives. They will decide to lose weight, eat healthy, quit smoking, or declutter their home.

Some resolutions will last. Most will fade away within the first ten days.

This website reaches a large community of people from every walk of life. But we are united in our belief that life is too valuable to waste chasing possessions. Some readers have already decluttered their homes and return here for continued inspiration.

Some are in the midst of their journey toward owning less. And others will be introduced for the first time this week.

My hope is that your resolution to declutter will not fade away. But instead, that you and your family will enjoy all the benefits of owning less.

To those who are just beginning, welcome. Here are 7 helpful tips for your decluttering resolution.

1. Start easy. Your first step in the right direction does not have to be a big one. Our personal journey began by removing the clutter from our cars. Literally. The first things we minimized were ketchup packets, Happy Meal toys, old receipts, and rarely used music CDs. It wasn’t big, but it got us moving in the right direction.

Our next projects included the living room, the bedroom, and our wardrobe. Each room or closet was a little bit harder than the previous. But we found important momentum in the early steps to help carry us through the difficult ones down the road.

2. Choose a lived-in area to begin. When you first begin to declutter your home, choose an area that is often used. There are many benefits to owning less—clear, open spaces with fewer distractions is one of the best. As you begin to remove clutter, you will quickly experience them.

And the best way to fully understand these benefits is to begin decluttering a room that is used often. This could be a living room, a bedroom, an office, or a bathroom. Start decluttering in an easy, lived-in area. You’ll love it. And find increased motivation.

3. Touch every item. Your decluttering journey is not a race. It took years to accumulate all the clutter in your home and it will take more than an afternoon or weekend to remove it. My own family of four took 9 months. You won’t regret taking your time. And you won’t regret taking the extra effort to physically touch every item in your home.

Physically handling each thing forces our minds to make intentional decisions about them.  After touching each item, place it in 1 of 3 piles: keep, relocate, or remove. From there, handle immediately. And then repeat.

4. Prefer donating over selling. You can make more money by selling your unneeded clutter. And if you legitimately need the money, go for it. There are countless websites that can help. But be aware that trying to sell your clutter is time-consuming, cumbersome, and often adds to the stress of decluttering.

If money is not an immediate concern for your family, sell your valuable items on Ebay or Craigslist, but donate everything else to a local charity. You will find joy and fulfillment in generosity—and that experience will be important going forward as you seek to overcome the trap of consumerism.

5. Read a book. The first book I read on decluttering was Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston. While feng shui never became a guiding principle in my home, the thoughts in the book were helpful for our journey. It is important to be reminded that others struggle with the same problem. And it is beneficial to hear new solutions to these problems.

The book was good, I still recommend it. But I also recommend Simplify, Organized Simplicity, The Joy of Less, and The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Any one of them will be helpful and motivating.

6. Tell a friend. Joy is most fulfilling when it is shared with others. Tell your story about your resolution to declutter. You will find people are excited to try it themselves. They will cheer you on. They will motivate you by holding you accountable and ask you how things are going the next time you see them.

As an additional benefit, when you share your story, you will be reminded again of the reasons you decided to declutter in the first place.

7. Be okay with imperfection. Don’t let perfect become the enemy of better. The first time you go through your home, you won’t remove all the clutter. You’ll keep stuff that didn’t need to be kept. You’ll find it too difficult to part with some items. You may even remove a thing or two you’ll end up wishing you had kept.

But you will make progress. In just a few short weeks (or even days), you will begin to feel different about your home. You will enjoy it more—as if a burden has been lifted from your shoulders. It won’t be perfect, but it will be better. And that’s the best any of us can hope for in this life.

The journey to clutterfree can be difficult at times. But it is always worth the effort. Trust me, you’ll be happier owning less.

Becoming Minimalist Top Posts of 2014

A special thanks to each of you for making 2014 an incredible year at Becoming Minimalist. This website continues to grow each month beyond my wildest expectations. This growth has occurred entirely from the support of readers like you—there is no advertising involved.

Thank you for sharing this website. But even more than that, thank you for sharing the life-giving message of owning less.

Over the past year, Becoming Minimalist has grown in significant ways:

Monthly visitors to Becoming Minimalist grew from 350,000/month to over 1,000,000 visitors/month!
Facebook fans grew from 90,000 to over 200,000 fans.
Twitter followers increased from 15,000 to 25,700.
Our Newsletter unites and inspires 14,000 simple living advocates around the world.
In January, we released a book, Clutterfree with Kids, which spent two weeks as the #1 Parenting book in America.
And, in November, our book  Simplify  became a Wall Street Journal Bestseller. Hooray!

It has indeed been an incredibly exciting year. The metrics above prove the point. But going beyond the numbers, 2014 marks my first full year of writing and speaking full-time on the topic of minimalism. This message is important and the opportunity is great. I am grateful to be a small part of it.

In case you missed any, here are some of the top posts on Becoming Minimalist from 2014.

Most Popular Posts from 2014 (as determined by readers):

9 Intentional Ways to Challenge Consumerism in Your Life. Mindless consumption always turns into excessive consumption. It is time to rethink our spending habits, rediscover intentionality, and remind ourselves that happiness is not on sale at the department store.

The Lies that Keep Our Schedules Overwhelmed. Expectations, demands, and accessibility continue to expand, but the number of hours in a week do not. As a result, our lives get busier and busier. But this approach rarely benefits any of us in the long-run.

9 Common Pursuits That Rob Us of Happiness. How can a society search so desperately for happiness, but still struggle to find it? Maybe because the pursuits we have set before us as a means to find joy are actually keeping us from it.

The Single Easiest Habit Change to Improve Your Life Forever. Life change can be hard. But there is one change that is as significant and beneficial as any of the others. In fact, almost everyone I have ever met that made the change recommends it.

3 Questions to Ask Before Making Any Purchase. We buy far more than we need. Our filled closets, overflowing drawers, and crammed basements stand as proof that purchases are not improving our lives. Our discontent is most evidenced in our excess.

My Personal Favorite Posts from the past year:

Love People, Not Things. People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.

In the Blink of an Eye. Sometimes events happen in the blink of an eye that change the course of our lives forever. Those who recognize and accept the truth that life is fragile live their lives fully in light of it.

One of the Best Things About Generosity. Give more things away. Your life will feel lighter. Your heart will feel warmer. And the world will be better.

9 Stress-Reducing Truths About Money. Let’s change the way we think about money. And start to enjoy our lives a little bit more because of it.

Most Popular Guest Posts in 2014:

16 Things Your Kitchen Can Do Without. by John and Dana Shultz. This list is neither exclusive nor conclusive. Rather, it’s merely a starting point to hopefully inspire you to reevaluate how much you keep in your kitchen.

5 Steps to Declutter Your Schedule and Live Your Desired Life. by Mike Burns. If your schedule feels like it’s a bit out of control, there are some universal steps you can take to begin finding a tailor-made approach.

The Latte Factor: 8 Ways We Often Overspend. by Lama Farran. Most people are simply unaware of how much money they spend—not so much in the large purchases, but in the small things they spend money on every day.

Most Popular Outgoing Links from the past year:

The Buy Nothing Year: How Two Roommates Saved More Than $55,000| Forbes by Laura Shin. “I learned that there is an alternative to being a consumer.”

15 Minimalist Hacks To Maximize Your Life | BuzzFeed by Morgan Shanahan. Less is more.

How Living with Less Can Give You More | SUCCESS by Melissa Balmain. Discover how people improved their lives by paring possessions, forgoing conveniences, and downsizing their homes.

The Science Of Simplicity: Why Successful People Wear The Same Thing Every Day | Elite Daily by John Haltiwanger. We waste so many precious moments concerning ourselves with frivolous details.

Whether you have been reading Becoming Minimalist for one week, one month, one year or longer, thank you so much. This blog owes its success to the support of its readers. Thank you for reading. And thank you for sharing these posts with others.

We look forward to an exciting 2015. In fact, it may be our most ambitious year yet. We have three huge announcements to make in the coming months. One that involves a new book, one that introduces a new project, and one that is so unbelievable I’m not even sure where to begin (but here’s a hint).

In the coming year, Becoming Minimalist will continue to evolve and be redefined. But it will always stay true to its core message that there is more joy to be found in owning less than can be found in pursuing more.

We will continue to invite as many as possible to discover this truth in their lives. I do hope you will join us.

Giving the Gift of Christmas

“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” —Kahlil Gibran

It is better to give than receive.

We hear it all the time—especially this time of year. But sometimes I wonder if we really believe it.

We say the phrase as if the generalization is a forgone conclusion. We print it on bumper stickers and billboards. We teach it to our children. And we mutter it under our breath when circumstances don’t go as expected.

But in reality, the axiom is difficult to live out.

We live in a world that seeks personal gain, even encourages it. And as a result, we want to make sure the things we receive are equal to the gifts that we give.

But I think the statement does ring true: it is better to give than receive. This website stands as proof. The accumulation of possessions offers only short-term pleasure that fades quickly. On the other hand, generosity and giving offers a long lasting happiness, purpose, and fulfillment.

It is better to give than receive. And the stakes only get higher when we consider the themes of Christmas.

Christmas, you see, is far more than pretty presents under a tree.

Christmas is a celebration of love and joy and peace. These are the greatest gifts we can ever give. But they are often the most difficult—especially if we have not received them from others.

We dig in our heels. We decide we will offer forgiveness, but only if they make the first phone call. We will show love, but only after they sacrifice something. And we may respond in goodness, but only after they start showing some kindness to us first.

Suddenly, we fall into the same foolish trap believing it is better to receive than give.

But the themes of Christmas should not be kept to ourselves. They can only be experienced when given away.

Love. Christmas is a season of love—a celebration of sacrificing what we have to show appreciation to those who mean the most. And while expressing love to another may be the most beautiful thing we can ever do, it can also be one of the most difficult—especially when those who should love us the most withhold it. Love anyway. True love is not self-seeking. It keeps no record of wrongs. And demands nothing in return.

Joy. This world never allows for perfect circumstances. And those who wait to find joy in them, never will. It is unwise to base our happiness fully on the actions of others. But that doesn’t mean we can’t bring a little joy into the life of another by the things that we do and the words that we say. We can still be intentional about spreading joy wherever we go.

Peace. Family and personal relationships can cause conflict, turmoil, and stress at any time, but the tensions are often heightened during the holidays. Offer the gift of peace this Christmas by taking the first step. One phone call or conversation may not make amends for years of hurt, but it is still the first step that needs to get taken by somebody.

Hope. Hope is one of the greatest assets in the entire world. It is one of the greatest treasures we can ever find for ourselves. And it is one of the greatest gifts we can ever give to somebody else. See the good in others. Believe in their greatest potential. And encourage often.

Reconciliation. At its heart, Christmas is a story of reconciliation. A baby was born to offer forgiveness to those who need it most. In the same way, the holiday season creates opportunity to offer forgiveness and reconciliation to those who need it most in our lives. We can take the first step. Even before an apology has ever been uttered, we can lay the foundation for reconciliation that makes it possible.

Goodwill. People may desire to harm us, but wishing pain and suffering upon them in response only compounds the hurt. Harboring resentment, ill will, and bitterness in our hearts allows their actions to control us indefinitely into the future. On the other hand, wishing goodwill upon those who hurt us frees our soul. And it allows us to move on to better things.

These are the themes of Christmas and we should grant them freely.

Maybe the greatest gifts we can give during Christmas are the very things we most desire to receive. (tweet that)

Inspiring Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

There’s more to life than buying stuff.

There are many wonderful people pursuing and promoting simplicity. Fortunately, some of them are gifted in communication and choose to encourage and inspire us with their words. I enjoy reading their unique perspective. I’m sure you will too.

So fix yourself a nice warm cup of coffee or tea on this beautiful weekend. Find a quiet moment. And enjoy some encouraging words about finding more simplicity in your life today.

Abundance Without Attachment | The New York Times by Arthur C. Brooks. If we are lucky enough to achieve abundance, we should be thankful for it and work to share the means to create it with others around the world.

Life in 700 Square-Feet | Rowdy Kittens by Tammy Strobel. Living simply isn’t about the size of my house or whether I can tow it down the highway. It’s about mindful choices.

Why We Distract Ourselves With Things of Pleasure | Storyline by Donald Miller. Nobody is more healthy, productive or clear-headed than a person who has planned and is living a meaningful life.

5 Questions to Simplify Your Life During the Holidays | Zen Habits by Leo Babauta. For many people, the holiday season is the busiest, most complicated, most stressful time of year. What can we do to simplify?

How To Slow Down And Fill Up This December | Stephanie May Wilson by Stephanie. I’m throwing my hands up to the busyness that keeps rushing past and saying “enough,” and I’m doing it very much on purpose.

Those Things By Which We Get Embarrassed

Both of my kids just got glasses. Their squints to read digital clocks were becoming more and more apparent. And we had warned them for months that an eye appointment was upcoming.

But not until just recently were our suspicions officially confirmed. New eyeglasses were ordered, picked up, and fitted.

Alexa, my daughter, picked purple glasses and kinda likes wearing them. It certainly helps that her friends refer to them as “adorable.”

But my 12-year old son? Not so much. In fact, he hates wearing them—at least, that is, when he is around his friends.

When he is home alone with us, wearing glasses is not a problem. He can see the computer screen better, he can read books easier, and he can read the clock on the oven without having to stand up and walk closer.

But around his friends, he wears them only when absolutely necessary. His glasses cause him embarrassment… some things never change.

Embarrassment. It is an interesting topic when you stop to think about it.

To be embarrassed is to experience a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness. Most often, these feelings are sparked by moments where we feel different, slightly apart from normal, or out of place.

It seems these feelings of inadequacy begin to emerge in grade school and strengthen through high school as our self-awareness grows. They arise from any number of causes: being one of the first to wear glasses, having unique physical characteristics, or being singled out in class or social circles.

As we get older, these feelings (and the fear) of embarrassment continue to surface. But the stakes get higher.

We no longer get embarrassed about just wearing glasses, we may also become embarrassed about the particular brand of glasses we wear. Or even worse, how much money our parents have to spend on them.

Interestingly, these feelings of embarrassment stem from our baseline understanding of normal, and any subsequent deviation from it. After all, nobody feels embarrassed for just being normal.

But our understanding of normal is an entirely subjective measurement most often defined by the social circles with which we surround ourselves.

This may be best illustrated by a hypothetical situation to which almost all of us can relate: outerwear.

Most of your friends probably wear similar clothing to you. Not that everyone has the same taste in fashion, but generally speaking, there are lots of similarities. You shop at many of the same stores… your closets are similarly sized… and the dollar amounts spent on any one outfit probably don’t vary too greatly.

This is true because most of us choose to spend our personal time with people who are strikingly similar. We feel comfortable and accepted among them.

But when you are pulled from your regular social circle, you may begin to notice and feel self-conscious about things you wouldn’t normally feel that way about.

Imagine attending a party or a work function surrounded by people from a higher socio-economic class. They arrive wearing their fancy dresses and tailored suits. Suddenly, the clothes you used to wear with no misgivings begin to feel and look different. You notice they are a little faded, not quite as fitted, or a specific brand not nearly as expensive as the clothes being worn around you.

And in this moment, you begin to feel a tinge of embarrassment—not because the clothes are any different from what you normally wear, but because your immediate culture’s expression of normal has changed dramatically.

As I mentioned, for most of us, these feelings of embarrassment did not end when we graduated school. They continue even into adulthood.

Here’s my point and why I think this is important. As a parent living in the suburbs, I am beginning to notice an unfortunate, dangerous trend:

We are getting embarrassed over all the wrong things. (tweet that)

Because we live in a culture that normalizes the pursuit of appearances, possessions, and selfish gain, feelings of awkwardness and shame surface when we do not measure up in these areas.

We get embarrassed that our clothes are last year’s fashion, that our vehicle costs less than the neighbor’s, or that our house is smaller than our guest’s. We apologize for the worn carpet, make excuses for the outdated kitchen, or point out specifically why we haven’t updated the countertops yet.

Because those pursuits and values have become normalized, we are prone to feel embarrassment over them—even if there is nothing wrong with the things we already have. This experience (or fear) of embarrassment fuels our urge to own more.

But what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things?

What if, instead of being embarrassed over the brand of our clothing, we became embarrassed over the size of our walk-in closet?

What if, instead of being embarrassed over the type of car we drive, we became embarrassed over how often we take that luxury for granted?

What if, instead of being embarrassed because our house is too small, we became embarrassed over the amount of unused space within it?

What if, instead of being embarrassed over the quality and quantity of our possessions, we became embarrassed over how much money we have spent on our own selfish pursuits?

What if excess became the embarrassment? And responsible living that championed generosity became the norm?

Maybe then, we could become a little more proud of normal.

The Men and Women We Desire to Become

“Work to the point your idols become your peers.” —Unknown

Today, I turned 40. It feels weird—especially because it seems like only yesterday I was in my 30’s.

Every so often, it seems, life presents us with opportunities to look back and reflect: the birth of a new year, the death of a loved one, or a milestone birthday.

And on this day, I cannot help but look back and consider the men and women who have helped shape me into the person I am today.

Some of my mentors chose me. But not in every case:

When I was 25 years old, I was offered jobs at two uniquely different organizations. I remember them well. While the general job description was similar between the two, the work environments were entirely different.

My first job offer was in Princeton, NJ. The organization was large—millions of dollars of income each year. Their reputation was impeccable and the dollars were not in short supply. I was offered a healthy salary, once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, floor tickets to the New York Knicks, even admission into Princeton University for graduate work. Our final interview occurred at one of the finest steak houses in the area. The professionally polished leader of the organization sat across from me—and offered his best sales pitch.

Days later, I was offered a job in Menomonie, WI. The town was populated by 20,000 hard-working men and women, a unique blend of farmers and professors. The organization was small—5 employees at the time. Based on typical measures of worldly success, they offered me very little. In fact, our final interview took place around the modest kitchen table of the organization’s leader. To this day, I have looked into the eyes of very few men with more humility, more love, or more commitment to others than this man. The food was pleasant and the conversation rich.

I was only 25 years old. Just starting out. And the decision could not have been more difficult.

The final decision was made 3 days later. My wife and I had numerous conversations with trusted advisors and mentors—some formal, some informal. And then, on a Tuesday night, we went out for dinner to determine our future.

All the details I do not recall, but I do remember one significant factor that ultimately determined our fate more than any other:

I asked myself repeatedly and intentionally, “What type of man do I desire to become? Who would I rather look like when I am 40?”

What would cause a 25-year old man and his young 21-year old wife to choose humility and service over money, prestige, and reputation? I’ll never know. But we did. And we have never regretted the decision.

It is interesting to me as I sit this morning to reflect on my life, that this single decision would resonate as one of the most significant. I can think of little else.

I have a loving family for which I am eternally grateful. I have a wife who selflessly loves others and remains steadfast in her faithfulness and patience for me. My life story features the names and stories of countless mentors who have invested themselves into me and saw far more potential than I ever did.

There are so many things I could dwell on today, but I choose instead to think of one decision above all others.

Maybe because, it was in that moment, I chose the type of man I wanted to become. And I decided to choose humility over the fleeting pleasure of worldly prestige.

Perhaps more than anything else, it is the men and women we choose to set-up as role models and idols that determine the course of our lives. (tweet that)

If we envy those with money and vast personal possessions, these are the people we will emulate.

If we look up to those who live their life in the pursuit of pleasure, pleasure will become our prize.

If we envy those who model selfish abandon for power and prestige, this too, will become our greatest pursuit.

But we get to decide. And if we want, we can always choose humility and selfless concern for others—even in a world that doesn’t. And then, we can surround ourselves with men and women who model it for us.

This, then, can become true of us. Our idols can become our peers.