Joshua Becker's Blog, page 114

Understanding Hoarding: An Interview with Terrence Shulman

This past summer, I sat on a panel with Terrence Shulman discussing overshopping and consumerism on Huffington Post Live.  As is typically the case, we found time before and after the interview to chat and introduce ourselves. When Terrence told me he worked in the field of Compulsive Theft, Spending, and Hoarding, I knew I wanted to ask him some questions.

In both my inbox and private conversations, I hear the word “hoarder” thrown around often. You probably have too: “My mom was a hoarder,” or “I think my husband might be a hoarder.” I was anxious to ask Terrence some clarifying questions about the word.

But rather than keeping the information to myself, I want to publish it here. I find the topic fascinating. And I think there is great value in Terrence’s insight for all of us to better understand the disorder and how to help.

1. Terrence, thank you so much for joining us. Can you briefly introduce yourself and your story in 2-3 paragraphs?

Thanks. I’m a native Detroiter, married 12 years, no kids, just turned 49 years old and have been an attorney for 22 years and a licensed certified social worker and addictions therapist. I am the Founder/Director of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft, Spending and Hoarding.

I am in recovery myself since 1990 for addictive-compulsive shoplifting and stealing and started the support group C.A.S.A. (Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous) in 1992. I am the author or four recovery-related books on the topics of shoplifting, employee theft, shopping/spending, and hoarding.

I got interested in hoarding when my middle brother began exhibiting symptoms of this disorder. Then I got wind of the cable TV shows and found that many of my clients who had problems with stealing and overshopping often hoarded things. I’ve had other relatives and friends who have had hoarding tendencies, too.

I’m always fascinated by human behavior and wanted to learn more so I began reading every book on hoarding, researching online, taking what few seminars there were and have now been counseling hoarders for about 6 years.

2. How long have you been working in the field of Compulsive Theft, Spending, and Hoarding? How exactly did you get started?

I’ve been a social worker and addiction therapist since 1997. I started off working at a chemical dependency clinic in Detroit. I was the director of the clinic from 1998-2000. And in 2004, I left to start my own private practice. So, as a therapist, I’ve been working with clients who steal, spend, and hoard for ten years.

But as I’ve previously noted, I’ve been in recovery from addictive-compulsive stealing since 1990 and have at least indirectly helped thousands of people with stealing problems since I started CASA in 1992. We now have four metro-Detroit area chapters and 15 other chapters in various cities in the U.S. as well as both email and phone support groups. It all got started with me hitting bottom in the middle of law school around the time of my second (and, hopefully, last) arrest.

3. The television show, Hoarders, first debuted in 2009. Since then, several others have been filmed and the word “hoarders” became commonplace in American vernacular. In your opinion, are these television shows helpful? Or have they fostered unhealthy misconceptions about hoarding in our society?

There are certainly differences of opinion about the TV shows and I’d say there are pros and cons, but the pros outweight the cons. The fact is, these shows are fairly well-done and they have brought the topic out from under the stone, so to speak, and offer decent glimpses into what the disorder looks like, what’s often the causes of it, and how to best treat it and how not to deal with or treat it.

On the negative side, sometimes the shows can sensationalize things and they tend to show the worst cases (so a moderate or mild hoarder or his family might minimize or discount their own problem and need for help). Also, while the show is realistic in some ways in portraying the long and arduous treatment process (and, to their credit, includes success stories as well as non-success stories), the format of the shows (typically illustrating two cases in an hour) can be misldeading about the treatment process and the results–and there’s not a lot of talk about aftercare.

4. Let’s get practical. I think a member of my family may be a hoarder. What telltale signs should I be looking for? How can I know if he/she is a hoarder or just a packrat that has bought into the consumeristic tendencies of our world?

This is a great question. The same can be asked of any person whose behavior is being questioned; how do I know if I’m a food addict, a drug addict, a gambling addict, a shopping addict, a sex addict, an alcoholic, etc. We have to look at several factors, especially when talking about stuff because most people have stuff and it’s greatly encouraged–by and large–to accumulate, save or collect.

But a hoarder, just like an alcoholic, usually has a long or chronic period of engaging in overaccumulating (whether active by buying and/or passive by not discarding things we’d normally discard) and he/she has a very hard time getting rid of almost anything no matter how apparently useless or valueless (of course, that’s the sticky wicket as most hoarders have a distorted sense of use and value).

Hoarders homes don’t all have to be extremely cluttered or dirty (though they often are and these are some telltale signs) but there usually is some difficulty using parts of the home for their intended uses–even the garage, basement or attic. There are often arguments and fights among family members and efforts to change that fail. Sometimes there’s secret hoarding (even secret storage units). Another difference between a hoarder and a collector is that a collector usually just collects a few different kinds of things and keeps them in an ordely fashion.

5. If my family member is a hoarder, is there anything specific I can do to help? What types of word/actions might be helpful? Are there any common responses to hoarding that may actually be harmful?

Do your research online or elsewhere first to make sure you know what hoarding is and what it isn’t. Read books on the topic. See if there are any local support groups. Even watch the TV shows if you haven’t already. Hoarding is a serious disorder that is now officially recognized as such. It’s often related to unresolved losses and traumas and difficult interpersonal patterns of power and control.

Don’t badger a hoarder and don’t make unilateral attempts to get rid of his/her stuff. Express concerns for the person and how it is negatively impacting you. Offer support and resources for help.

 

6. How can I know if professional help is required? And if so, how do I even begin to help my loved one recognize the need for it?

I may be biased but if your loved one has hoarding disorder, he/she should always seek professional help. The challenge is that there are limited therapists who specialize in hoarding treatment, relatively few support groups locally, and relatively few books–though there are about ten available.

7. You have mentioned a couple of times to find books related to the subject. Can you recommend the 2 books that would be most helpful? I’m thinking especially for somebody who is trying to better understand the disorder in the life of a loved one.

Yes, I’d recommend, of course, my book Cluttered Lives, Empty Souls published in 2011. And either the book Stuff: Hoarding Disorder and The Meaning of Things by Randy O. Frost and Gail Steketee or their workbook as well.

8. I’m interested to know how hoarding is professionally treated. Could you give us just a brief idea of what someone might expect?

We’re still figuring that out but it’s safe to say it’s a shot-gun approach of specialized therapy (individual, family, couples, and/or group), medication evaluation (a lot of depression, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, bipolar disoder, etc), support groups, reading of books and psychoeducation for the hoarder and his/her family/friends, and a team approach of therapists, professional organizers, movers, and support people often are needed. Aftercare is also important to avoid relapse.

9. You mentioned to me that you do a lot of work with patients via Skype. If one of our readers is interested in finding you, where should I send them? Or, if a reader is looking for help locally in their own community, how might they begin looking for reputable help?

You may send them to me at my websites: Hoarders Anonymous and The Shulman Center. I can assist them either myself or in finding local help.

***

I am so very thankful for your help on this topic Terrence. As I mentioned, these are conversations I run into often, but have felt quite inadequate in addressing. I am confident this will be helpful to many: both those who deal with the disorder personally and those who encounter it professionally.

All the best to you and your work.

One Important Pursuit to Find Greater Happiness

“There is nothing more beautiful than someone who goes out of their way to make life beautiful for others.” —Mandy Hale

There are two pursuits common to humanity: the pursuit of self and the pursuit of happiness.

The pursuit of self comes quite natural for us. We don’t need to be reminded to pursue our own self-interests. It seems we are hard-wired for it. We pursue self-survival, self-promotion, self-actualization, and self-exaltation.

Similarly, the pursuit of happiness if not foreign to our thinking. In fact, it has become an entire industry all to itself. Books, websites, conferences, scientific studies, blog posts… you can find them all.

Now, just to be clear, I am not against the pursuit of self-interests and I am not against the pursuit of happiness.

There is value in self-pursuit—survival at the very least. And the pursuit of happiness is not an unhealthy pursuit. It can even be found in the founding documents of our nation.

But we make a mistake when we combine and confuse the two.

When we try to satisfy our pursuit of happiness in the pursuit of self, we always fall short of the truest, most-lasting forms of happiness.

The pursuit of self and the pursuit of happiness are not the same. In fact, at times, they run completely opposite routes.

The best efficient pathway to lasting happiness and fulfillment is not to look only at your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

When we begin living our lives for the sake of others, our lives immediately take on greater value. We no longer live for the benefit of one. We begin living for the benefit of more than one.

When we shift our focus off of ourselves, we live lives of greater meaning and greater contribution. When we serve others without concern over what we might receive in return, we experience the beauty of selfless love.

And when we direct our resources of time and money toward others, we begin to discover pursuits more valuable than material possessions.

This is an important change in our worldview. Not just because the potential for contribution increases, but because our personal experience of happiness begins to grow.

Routinely asking the question, “How does this action benefit someone else?” can serve as an important catalyst to change our view on almost everything we do. It immediately invites a new level of happiness into our lives.

Labor takes on new meaning when it is not seen through a self-serving lens. Rather than worrying exclusively about accolades and paychecks, we begin to see our work as a benefit to society. Most work, viewed correctly, improves the lives of others. Remembering how our labor benefits others is one of the best ways to find more fulfillment in it.

Our daily chores and errands begin to take on new meaning when viewed through the contribution we are providing for our family. When my concern is solely on me and my self-interests, housework is met with frustration and feelings of unfairness. But when I start to consider how my work around the home benefits my family, even mundane tasks can be seen as an opportunity to show love.

Even in my pursuit of personal development, I can recognize how these changes will benefit others. For example, choosing to exercise or eat well lays the foundation for a healthier, physical body. Even our decision to rest prepares our minds for more productivity or creativity to benefit others.

Let’s pursue self. And let’s pursue happiness. But let’s be increasingly mindful of our society’s tendency to equate the two. (tweet that)

Inspiring Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

Possessions do not bring us happiness. In fact, often times, they keep us from it.

The simplicity/minimalism movement is a beautiful community. It is friendly, encouraging, and helpful. There is a genuine understanding that any promotion of simplicity is good for society—and there is little concern over who gets the credit for it.

It is a pleasure to be part of such a wonderful group of people. And I enjoy every opportunity to promote writing that encourages people to live more by owning less.

So fix yourself a nice warm cup of coffee or tea. Find a quiet moment this weekend. And enjoy some encouraging words to inspire more simplicity in your life today.

Ads Don’t Work That Way | Melting Asphalt by Kevin Simler. Rather than trying to change our minds individually, advertising instead changes the landscape of cultural meanings.

High-flying CEO Quits after Daughter Writes List of 22 Life Milestones Missed | The Independent by Cahal Milmo. Financier said one main reason for leaving his high-pressured, $100m/year career was a mundane conversation with his 10-year-old daughter.

The Dangers of Upgrading Your iPhone | Bloomberg by Ben Steverman. While consumers may not benefit financially from an endless upgrade cycle, plenty of companies do.

Instant Gratification | The American Scholar by Paul Roberts. As the economy gets ever better at satisfying our immediate, self-serving needs, who is minding the future?

The Stories We Don’t Tell

The stories we share with one another are important. They provide context and history. They connect us with the past and the people around us. They offer insight. They transfer wisdom. And they provide inspiration.

The stories we choose to share as individuals and as a society are important to our development.

But equally important are the stories we choose not to tell. The stories we choose to withhold from others (and ourselves) are incredibly significant.

I have been struck recently by the imagery of stories purposefully being withheld. I think there is a lesson to be learned from them.

Consider the negative effects of how not sharing a story has become prominent in the news:

The Commissioner of the NFL, America’s most beloved sport, has been under harsh criticism recently for allegedly withholding a story of domestic abuse (or at the very least, choosing not to pursue the story fully).

Similarly, in recent years, Joe Paterno, the beloved football coach, was forced to resign over a story that he refused to tell proper authorities.

Outside the world of athletics, some are wondering if public health officials are withholding too much information about the recent outbreak of Ebola: What We’re Afraid to Say About Ebola

In each case, the decision to not pursue or share a specific story has proven (or may prove) to be damaging to the people involved and society as a whole.

There is a danger in withholding stories that ought to be told. (tweet that)

Bobette Buster said it like this, “The fact is, history has shown us that stories not told can become like an evil genie left in a bottle. When they are finally uncorked, their power to destroy is unleashed.”

But this is not a post about news reports, Public Health Organizations, or Athletic Associations. This is a post about the lives we live and the decisions we make with it.

And unfortunately, too often, we withhold stories from our own lives that could benefit others. The stories are not pretty. Otherwise, we would have already told them. But they have a place in our society and in our conversations with the people closest to us.

There are a number of reasons we hide parts of our story: they often reveal our weaknesses or expose our flaws; they require courage and strength to share; and of course, there are some stories that quite frankly should be kept private—especially those that embarrass someone else.

But as individuals and as a society, we have become too well-versed in withholding stories.

Most of us have two selves: the one we portray on the outside and the one we actually are on the inside. And the better we get at hiding the stories that reveal our true selves, the more damage we may be causing (to ourselves and to others).

Honesty and openness is important:

It proves we are trustworthy. Our human experience testifies that nobody is perfect. And those who seek to portray themselves as such are usually met with a suspicious eye.

It displays we are human. By admitting our weakness, we encourage others that our life is reproducible. We are not perfect or better. We have succeeded despite our weakness, and so can they.

It highlights the importance of hard work and personal development. Each of us start and live every day of our lives with flaws to overcome. Hard work may not allow us to overcome them completely. But it can demonstrate we do not have to be defined by our mistakes.

It allows others to know us (and themselves) better. The greatest desire of every human being is to be fully known and fully accepted. This is love. It is the call of our hearts. Vulnerability allows others to know us with a deeper intimacy—and show even greater love in the process.

It challenges others to share their stories. Vulnerability leads to vulnerability. Admitting weakness and sharing our difficult stories is an incredibly freeing act. It removes burden and weight from our shoulders. And it provides others the freedom and strength to share theirs.

Does this mean we admit every weakness, every flaw, and every secret regret to everybody we meet? No, of course not. There is a time and a place and a certain level of relationship necessary for some stories to be told in an appropriate manner.

But our world would be a better place if we decided to stop hiding our stories from one another.

Why You Don’t Need to Run with the Cool Kids

“If you don’t fit in, then you are probably doing the right thing.”

In high school, I played tennis and my favorite class was Accounting. I found out pretty early that the tennis team didn’t get invited to many parties…neither did the accountants.

On the other hand, my twin brother started on the football team, the basketball team, and the track team. He was pretty much one of the stars on each.

One of my best friends was three years younger than me and lived across the street. My brother hung out with the guys three years older.

Fortunately, I had plenty of free time to reflect on life while sitting alone at home—usually while my brother was hanging out at some party somewhere.

There was plenty of opportunity for me to long for the day when being one of the cool kids didn’t matter.

Some days, I think I’m still waiting.

A few weeks ago, I was in a local clothing store with my wife. I needed new pants (something about a hole in the crotch of my old ones). They sold pants. It seemed like a good fit.

As would be expected, we were not the only shoppers in the store. And I was not the only one using the dressing rooms. In fact, I wasn’t even the only one asking my wife for her opinion.

As I emerged from one of the dressing rooms wearing a khaki pair of pants, I noticed a young female shopper striking up a conversation with my wife.

The shopper began, “Do you think this shirt looks good on me? I think it looks a little boxy.”

“Yeah, you’re right. It does look a little boxy on you,” my wife answered.

The young woman replied, “Yeah, I know. It’s just that everybody is wearing this style now. Honestly, I just like wearing t-shirts and jeans. I really don’t know what to do.”

Of course, in my mind, the answer was simple: It doesn’t matter what everyone else is wearing, buy the type of clothing you like best. Spend your money on something you really love, not just the current fashion trends at parties and in the magazines.

But I know full-well it’s not always that easy.

The pull towards conformity can be strong. The desire to fit in with popular culture is significant at times. And no matter how old we get, the desire to run with the cool kids can still remain.

But within each of us is a desire that is even stronger—the desire to be ourselves, to embrace the things we love and enjoy and make us unique.

One of the best decisions we can make is to reject the cultural expectations that shift and change with the wind. And to accept the fact that we don’t need to run with the cool kids to be happy.

We can choose to be ourselves instead.

9 Lies that Keep Our Schedules Overwhelmed

“Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”

The speed of our world is increasing.

Technology and communication continue to improve. Information moves faster. And social media rewards those who never turn it off.

Expectations, demands, and accessibility continue to expand, but the number of hours in a week do not. As a result, our lives get busier and busier.

This approach to life rarely benefits us in the long-run because a busy life is an unreflective life. In fact, often times, we are so busy scurrying from one thing to another we don’t even have the space to realize our schedules have become overwhelmed. We don’t recognize how our overcommitted lives are harming us.

Even worse, we are unable to identify the hidden mistruths in our heart that are contributing to the problem. Consider these:

9 Hidden Lies that Keep Our Schedules Overwhelmed

1. Accolades will bring fulfillment. The thinking goes like this: The busier we are, the more we can accomplish and the more respect we can earn. And the more respect and accolades we receive, the more we can surely prove our worth and value to others. Unfortunately, if you are trying to find fulfillment in someone else’s opinion of you, you will never find it. You will always be left searching (and working) for more.

2. Money will bring happiness. We often get caught up in needless busyness because of our desire to earn and secure more money. Ever notice how often we are offered money (or the chance to win money) for our time? While it is important to work hard and provide for the needs of your family, it is foolish to think money is the quickest shortcut to better living.

3. I don’t have a choice. Many of us live over-busy lives because of the expectations and demands of others. In these cases, it is important to remember you always have a choice. Sure, there are seasons of life that require more of you and your time than others, but seasons always change. If yours hasn’t changed recently, you may need to revisit who is making the decisions in your life and where you can regain some of your control.

4. I’m more productive if I’m busy. Maybe you can be more productive for a short while, but human beings are not designed to work relentlessly without periods of rest. Countless studies confirm the importance of rest for productivity. Eventually, a lifestyle of busyness will detract from our productivity. And more importantly, your health and well-being. There are no exceptions.

5. I am needed. Pride is defined as holding an excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance. And it leads to overwhelmed schedules because of the foolish thinking that follows it: “Nobody else can do what I do.” This pride affects the way we view our business, our work, our family, and our personal relationships. Left unchecked, it leads to a busy life and in the end, a fall.

6. Everything is important. Our world has a tendency to make everything appear urgent, important, and beneficial to our lives. As the speed of information increases, our minds are seemingly less equipped to filter all the information and opportunities. But the most productive among us realize nobody can accomplish everything. They are relentless in their understanding of mission and the reality that very few things are truly important. And they never sacrifice the important for the trivial.

7. I need to be busy to keep up with everyone else. It may seem, at times, the only way to get ahead in life is to outwork everyone else. But just because everyone else appears busy does not mean they are busy about the right things. Nor does it mean they are finding joy in their pursuits. Frank Clark perhaps said it best, “Modern man is frantically trying to earn enough to buy things he’s too busy to enjoy.”

8. Busy makes me look more important. Busy, in and of itself, is not a badge of honor. In fact, being busy doing the wrong things is actually quite unattractive. Just remember, in a society rushing to keep up with everyone else, those who find peace, contentment, and rest are the ones admired…and envied.

9. Quietness is laziness. Often times, people avoid dealing with life’s deeper issues by packing their schedule tight. Someone who is discontent with their life’s choices can escape the difficult work of addressing them by masking them with busyness. Quietness is not laziness. Quietness is hard, but always worth the effort.

Many of the lies we have been told since birth crowd out the things in life that matter most. Instead of enjoying the benefit of calm, intentional living, we hurry from one needless triviality to another.

Don’t ever get so busy chasing the wrong things that you miss enjoying the right things. (tweet that)

Inspiring Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

There are many wonderful people pursuing and promoting simplicity. Fortunately, some of them are gifted in communication and choose to encourage and inspire us with their words. I enjoy reading their unique perspective. I’m sure you will too.

So fix yourself a nice warm cup of coffee or tea on this beautiful weekend. Find a quiet moment. And enjoy some encouraging words about finding more simplicity in your life today.

The Buy Nothing Year: How Two Roommates Saved More Than $55,000 | Forbes by Laura Shin. “I learned that there is an alternative to being a consumer.”

America’s Donald Trump Complex: We’re Addicted to Consumption | Salon by Joe Todd. Americans have been conditioned to believe we need to spend to live, a culturally and ecologically destructive lie.

A Culture of Envy | Lemire by Daniel Lemire. In a wealthy society, envy quickly becomes the driving force.

Living Simply in a Dumpster | The Atlantic by James Hamblin. While I may never choose to live in a 36-square-foot dumpster, I admire the intentionality of this Huston-Tillotson University professor.

Steve Jobs Was a Low-Tech Parent | The New York Times by Nick Bilton. While some tech parents assign limits based on time, others are much stricter about what their children are allowed to do with screens.

Love People, Not Things

People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.

I have a friend. Let’s call him John.

I’m not sure if friend is actually the best word for our relationship, but it is the word I choose to use—not just in this post, but in life as well.

You see, John doesn’t return very many of my phone calls. He doesn’t reply to my voicemail messages. And he doesn’t answer very many of my texts.

But every few months, my phone will ring and John will be on the other end. Always out of blue. Usually in the evening.

He will apologize for being gone so long. He will assure me he is in a better place now. And he will ask if we can get together again for coffee or lunch. If at all possible, I agree.

John’s life has not been easy. He has told me repeatedly of the abandonment, the drugs, the alcohol, and the homeless nights that define his past. He speaks of his indiscretion freely. It is as much a part of his story as the home he grew up in.

Every time we get together, he recounts what has happened in his life. He will tell me about his desire to get back on the right track and the recovery meetings he has been attending. I will assure him there are people cheering for him. And I will offer to help in any way that I can. “Maybe we can get together again next week,” will usually be the last thing I say to him…until I hear from him again in a few months.

If I were to be honest, I’m not sure I get much out of my relationship with John. He doesn’t offer me any life advice. He doesn’t have a job or lifeskill that I learn from. He certainly doesn’t have any friends in high places who can help me get ahead. I think he cares about me as a person. But if he does, he has a funny way of showing it.

The one thing that he does offer is a consistent opportunity for me to love. Not a love that expects something in return, but a pure, unselfish love. One that requires patience and grace and commitment. You know—real love.

John needs me. And that is reason enough for me to keep him in my life.

There is an unhealthy inclination in our world to remove people from our lives who no longer serve us.

Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.

When we decided to become minimalist, we did so because we knew our lives would improve if we removed the excess physical stuff from our home and life. They had become burdensome to us.

But it would be a foolish choice to automatically apply the exact same filter to our relationships. People always deserve more patience and sacrifice than physical possessions.

Do we need to find the strength to separate ourselves from abusive relationships? Yes, absolutely.

Are there some people that we need to be intentional about establishing boundaries with? Yes, of course.

But the path to better living is not found in turning our back on those who need us the most. The path to better living is found in developing the compassion and the space to love even those who don’t deserve it.

Choosing to invest in only the relationships that benefit me isn’t love, it’s selfish.

On Mission

“People are effective because they say ‘no,’ because they say, ‘this isn’t for me’.” —Peter Drucker

In his book, Essentialism, Greg McKeown reminds us of an important truth, “You can do anything, but you can’t do everything.”

When I married my wife 15 years ago, I committed my life to her for better or worse, in sickness or in health. In front of many witnesses, I vowed to be hers until death do us part. And when I said yes to her, I effectively was saying no to 3.5 billion other women.

Similarly, when I chose my career, I said no to countless others that I could have chosen. I write and I speak and pursue the promotion of minimalism. I will never fly a Boeing 747. I will never perform open-heart surgery. And I will never play professional tennis. This is okay with me. I have chosen to make my life about something different.

Every day we are presented with countless choices of how to spend our time, our energy, our effort, and our money. The wisest of us recognize we always have the power to choose. And they choose to pursue their life’s greatest mission by repeatedly saying ‘no’ to things that distract from it.

Donald Miller is the New York Times bestselling author of Blue Like Jazz and the Storyline blog (on which I contribute monthly articles). Recently, he wrote a Life Plan program to help people plan and live a meaningful life.

This past winter, while meeting with Donald in San Diego, he said something I have not forgotten. He said, “My goal is to take 1,000,000 people through the Life Plan program. And these days, I am saying ‘no’ to anything that doesn’t get us closer to reaching that goal.”

I have often reflected on this approach to life. It is no different than the advice of Peter Drucker, Greg McKeown, or countless other thought leaders on leadership and influence.

Successful people are adamant about saying ‘no’ to things that do not align with their mission. (tweet that)

Of course, sometimes the choices are obvious (I never was that good at tennis nor was there a long list of women asking for my hand in marriage). But the hardest work is done in the trenches.

Staying on mission is about learning to say ‘no’ to the urgent requests, the popular requests, and the countless opportunities in front of you to make an extra dollar.

What is your purpose? What goals do you have for your life? On what mission do you desire to live? And what plan have you developed to help you get there?

Go, pursue it with your heart and your life. And learn to say ‘no’ to all the countless opportunities that will only distract you from it.

7 Reasons We Buy More Stuff Than We Need

The amount of stuff we own these days is staggering.

The average American home size has grown from 1,000 square feet to almost 2,500 square feet. Personal storage generates more than $24 billion in revenue each year. Reports indicate we consume twice as many material goods today as we did 50 years ago. All while carrying, on average, nearly $15,950 in credit-card debt.

These numbers should cause us to start asking some difficult questions of ourselves. For example, “Why do we buy more stuff than we need?”

I mean, when you really stop to think about it, this becomes a fascinating question. What thinking would compel somebody to spend money on things they didn’t actually need in the first place?

If we could successfully answer this question, we could more easily free our lives and our resources for more important pursuits.

But this question can be difficult. It forces us to admit weakness in our lives. Consider some of the lies we have believed:

7 Reasons We Buy More Stuff Than We Need

1. We think it will make us secure. Our logic goes like this: if owning some material possessions brings us security (a roof, clothing, reliable transportation), owning excess will surely result in even more security. But after meeting our most basic needs, the actual security derived from physical possessions is much less stable than we believe. They all perish, spoil, or fade. And they can disappear faster than we realize.

2. We think it will make us happy. Nobody would ever admit they search for happiness in material possessions—we all just live like we do. We buy bigger houses, faster cars, cooler technology, and trendier fashion hoping we will become happier because of it. Unfortunately, the actual happiness derived from excess physical possessions is fleeting at best.

3. We are more susceptible to advertising than we believe. On average, we see 5,000 advertisements every day. Every advertisement carries the same message: your life will be better if you buy what we are selling. We begin to hear this messaging so many times and from so many angles, we begin to subtly believe it. This is not a complete condemnation of the marketing industry. This is simply a call to realize their messaging affects us more than we realize.

4. We are hoping to impress other people. In a wealthy society, envy quickly becomes a driving force for economic activity. Once all of our basic needs have been met, consumption must become about something more than needs. It becomes an opportunity to display our wealth, our importance, and our financial success with the world.

5. We are jealous of people who own more. Comparison seems to be a natural state of our humanity. We notice what other people are buying, wearing, and driving. Our society encourages these comparisons. And all too often, we buy stuff we don’t need just because people in our friendship circles have done the same. A culture fixated on praising excess will always misdefine true success.

6. We are trying to compensate for our deficiencies. We mistakenly look for confidence in the clothes that we wear or the car that we drive. We seek to recover from loss, loneliness, or heartache by purchasing unnecessary items. We seek fulfillment in material things. And we try to impress other people with the things that we own rather than the people that we are. But these pursuits will never fully satisfy our deficiencies. Most of the time, they just keep us from ever even addressing them.

7. We are more selfish than we like to admit. It can be difficult to admit that the human spirit is hardwired toward selfishness and greed, but history appears to make a strong case for us. We seek to grow the size of our personal kingdom by accumulating more and more things. This has been accomplished throughout history by force, coercion, dishonesty, and warfare. Unfortunately, selfishness continues to surface in our world and our lives even today.

Excess material possessions do not enrich our lives. In fact, buying things we don’t need keeps us from experiencing some wonderful, life-giving benefits. We would be wise to realize the cause and become vigilant in overcoming it.

There is more joy to be found in owning less than can ever be discovered in pursuing more. (tweet that)