Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 49

No Blood Tuesday

Hey everybody! No True Blood this week. My headset took a shit, so we’re delayed until I can find something that can withstand the brutal conditions of being used for a full hour like every other headset on the planet is capable of doing. I’ll double up episodes next time!

State Of The Trout: News You (Might) Can Use

Hey there everybody! I don’t know what it is about the last week, but I’ve been really positive and happy. It’s a nice change! I hope you’re all doing Troutstanding, too.

I have three events I want to fill you in on, and all of them are different. Bear with me.

The first one is going to be of particular interest for people in West Michigan. SW Michigan Rising Up and Women Rising Up are holding a rally this Saturday, May 6th 10 AM to 3 PM in Mahan Park in Allegan, MI. Billed as “a celebration of the collective power of women,” the event will feature live music and speakers including Sen. Debbie Stabenow, Rep. Jon Hoadley, and Michigan gubernatorial candidates Gretchen Whitmer, Dr. Abdul El-Sayed, and Bill Cobbs. Come out and join us!

 

Item number two is also in Michigan, but I highly encourage anybody who loves cons to try and make it. I’ll be at the Rust City Book Convention in Troy, MI (that’s Detroit Metro area) August 4-6. I know I said I wasn’t traveling or doing any cons in 2017, but this is my home state. I gotta be there, right? Come out for the weekend or just the public book signing. Also, Bronwyn Green and Jessica Jarman will be there, so you could get a full #MerlinClub/#LegionXIII experience!

And finally, number three, I’m headed back to Savannah in 2018! The Literary Love Savannah event runs July 26th to the 29th, 2018, at the Riverfront Marriot, which is a super amazing and haunted hotel. This event is going to be an awesome chance to hang out with authors you love, and includes VIP ticket add-on options*, the proceeds of which will go to the Jasper Animal Rescue Mission. So, what does a VIP ticket get you? You can find out what the other authors are doing at the Literary Love Savannah VIP info event on Facebook tomorrow, but I can tell you what I’m offering right now.

I’ve got FIVE gold level VIP tickets that will get you: A bar hopping night with me! You’ll receive some Trout swag, a t-shirt, and the first round is on me!

I’ve got ONE platinum level VIP ticket that will get you: A ghost tour with me, and a goodie basket with some naughty gifts!

*These tickets must be purchased with registration for the event, and attendees of Literary Love Savannah must stay at the conference hotel, as per conference policy.

 

That’s what’s going on in my neck of the woods. Hope everyone has a great day and a beautiful week, and if anyone is attending any of these events, please feel free to let me know in the comments here or on social media, so I can keep an eye out for you!

The Big Damn Writer Advice Column

It’s that time of the week when I answer your anonymous questions about writing and all that stuff connected to it. Every Thursday, I’ll be answering two questions from the Big Damn Writer Question Box.

Q: At what point do you finally shove a finished draft at your editor/into the world? I’ve had a fic sitting in my drafts for six months. I keep reading it and thinking “oh not bad, just needs a little polish”–but then I do a little tweak and then abandon it again to my google docs. How do you draw the line where you stop tweaking and say “good enough, now get on with it”?

A: It sounds like you know it’s ready. I think that’s probably why you asked this question. You’re doing the classic writer thing of waiting for someone in a perceived position of expertise or authority to give you permission to send your work off in the world. We all ask our friends or editors or betas, “Do you think this is good enough to publish yet?” even after round after round of edits because we want someone to assure us that our work is legitimate and we deserve to think of it as such. Yes, editing is important–you don’t want to be that writer who believes that once you “get good enough,” editing is optional–but you can also edit a story to the point that you’ve removed any authenticity or voice, or you can get so hung up on editing that you never actually finish the damn thing. I say publish the fic. You’re ready. But for a more generalized answer, see the next question.

 

Q: How do you get through a first draft without constantly editing as you go? Are there techniques you use to get yourself to just write the damn thing?

A: “Editing as I go” is a dangerous trap that is the ruination of a lot of writing careers before they’ve even begun. I know someone who started writing a book…I want to say seven years ago? Maybe eight? Two years after she started, she had four chapters. Not because she was a slow writer, but because she would constantly stop writing and start re-editing. And though many of her friends have said, “You need to stop editing and just keep writing,” she’s still editing. I’m not sure the first draft is finished, but I do know that she’s currently editing what she has.

Never edit before you’ve written the last pages unless there’s some huge development in the plot that is going to affect the story going forward. If that happens, go back only to the point where that development actually affects the story. For example, if chapter ten involves a bomb being planted in the Tsar’s throne room, but you realize that it would be more effective for the story if the Tsar’s chauffeur shot him, instead, by all means, go back to chapter six where the characters outlined the bombing plan and change it to the shooting plan. But don’t go back to chapter one and painstakingly correct your grammar and typos and maybe Yuri’s name should be Gregor and maybe change everything to first-person present from third-person past. Because that, my friend, is a loop that you will never escape from.

I’m fairly certain people who edit the same pages over and over are doing so because they’re uncomfortable with the idea of their work existing in a state of imperfection, even for a little while, even if no one sees it. And it’s almost like writing becomes a treat that they earn after a good hard edit. But then the new stuff they wrote needs editing. And thus, it keeps going on and on. If you find yourself riding the constant-editing-as-you-go hell train, try the following:

Instead of Word or Pages, which load the entire document at once, use a program like Scrivener or a site like Novlr.org to write. They display only one chapter or scene at a time, so you won’t have an excuse to “just skim” while scrolling down to where you left off.
If you’re using Word, Pages, or Google Docs, make a separate file for each chapter or scene. Give them ordered file names and put them all in the same folder so you don’t have to do some panicked search of your entire computer or Drive when it’s time to compile them into one. But this way, you won’t have to open to the first page of the whole manuscript and be tempted.
When you’re done with a chapter or a few chapters, email them to a friend. Make up your mind that those specific files are the ones that will ultimately end up in your compiled draft. Back them up in online storage, then delete them from your computer. Now you don’t have access to them, so there’s no point in changing anything in the copies you have. You can have them back when the final chapter is written.
If you’re afraid of forgetting something you’d like to change in the second draft, write down the change you want to make either in a notebook or a notes file. It will still be there when it’s time to actually edit, and you’re free to go forward.

Obviously, all of these tricks require you to have some self-control. You could always just open chapter1.docx or ditch the plan of compiling a draft from chapters being held hostage. But at least this way, you know you’re sabotaging yourself, and there’s a lot less room for you to explain away why you absolutely must stop writing in chapter five and start over with rewrites from chapter one before you can even consider writing chapter six.

Remember: you are the only person who sees your first draft. And when you hire an editor or you send it to a beta, they know it hasn’t been edited. They’re not expecting perfection. If we were capable of producing manuscripts with perfect content, continuity, and grammar on our own, a lot of people would be out of jobs. You can’t edit your own work all that effectively, anyway; most of the time, you’re going to read what you thought you’ve written and not what’s actually on the page. So you’re pretty much wasting your time at that point. Even if you could edit your own work from an objective standpoint, you’ll never reach a point where it’s good enough to publish (unless you’re one of those authors who thinks you don’t need editing…which is a whole different ball of wax).

First drafts look messy and unfinished. They’re supposed to. They’re in the building phase. If anyone is still unconvinced, go to a construction site and watch how a building is built. It doesn’t look sleek and polished while they’re pouring concrete. Nobody goes, “Wait, wait guys. We got this wall done. I know the rest of the house isn’t done yet, but we really need to put up some siding and get some shrubs planted before I can feel comfortable going ahead with the rest of the job.”

 

Bonus Question: I know you and everyone else in the world is pissed with how over involved EL James was in the movie versions of 50 shades, but as a writer would you wants some creative control? I know I’d at least wanna give ideas on casting. What about you?

A: Honestly? I wouldn’t know where to begin with any creative control anyone gave me. I don’t know enough about how casting works to say, “I want so-and-so to play so-and-so,” because I don’t know what the production budget is, I don’t know who the director has worked with before with good results, whether or not they were right for the part, that sort of thing. It’s so not my world. So if I had a book that had been optioned and it was going into pre-production, I wouldn’t expect anyone to come to me for those decisions because I have no expertise in anything having to do with movie stuff. If they did and they valued my input, awesome, but I don’t think authors should maintain much if any creative control once they’ve sold their rights. Input, sure, but control? No.

 

Wanna see your questions get answered (or just wanna air a grievance?) Put it in the box!

True Blood Tuesday S04E03 “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?”

CONTENT WARNING: RAPE. USE EXTREME CAUTION.

I’m not even slightly exaggerating here. The scenes take place in Hotshot, if you want to skip them. They are extremely graphic.

The file is here. Hit play after the HBO sound and logo fade.

The Big Damn Writer Advice Column

It’s that time of the week when I answer your anonymous questions about writing and all that stuff connected to it. Every Thursday, I’ll be answering two questions from the Big Damn Writer Question Box.

Q: You have experience with traditional publishing and self-publishing. On balance, which do you prefer, and why? (Personal context for the question: have been published by a Big 5, didn’t have the best experience, trying to figure out whether to keep plugging away at that route or go it alone. But I hope your answer will be useful more generally for people too.)

A: There are pros and cons to both. Being able to release books quickly, and to release multiple books a year, that’s something that self-publishing can offer that Big 5 generally can’t (or, if they can, those multiple release spots are generally held for authors who are guaranteed big sellers). In self-publishing, you have a lot more freedom over content in terms of themes and what elements you want to include. I firmly believe that First Time would never have seen the light of day if I hadn’t self-published it. Other issues include royalties and income; my first contract had a total advance of $18,000, paid out in increments that stretched over three years. My first royalty check came three years after I was initially contracted, and it was something like $15,000. That was 6% of the cover price. I’m not sure what publishing houses are offering now, but I know that I could not write for a living if I made 6% off my current annual salary. Self-publishing, I receive between 40% and 70% of my sales. On the other hand, I have out of pocket expenses for editing, proofing, print galleys, and cover art, so each of my books generally costs between a thousand or two thousand dollars to produce. I also have to pay for my own promotion, and obviously, I don’t have the budget a Big 5 house does. Which can be frustrating when you see someone’s traditionally published book being splashed everywhere and hyped all to hell while you’re out there like, “I have a book coming out next week. I’m begging you to tell your friends.” That happened a few times when I was freelance editing; I would work on someone’s book, it would go to a traditional publisher, they would hit the NYT list and I would be sitting here like, “Oh. My latest has sold twenty-five copies since release week.” It wasn’t a great feeling, but that’s one of the drawbacks of self-publishing. I know writers who’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to promo their books to great success, but that’s not practical for most people.

Don’t rule out the option of hybrid publishing. If you can produce one or two books through a publisher (even a small press) while self-publishing other books, you’ll probably see your audience grow faster and you’ll get the benefits of both traditionally publishing and self-publishing.

 

Bonus Question: Do you have any tips for writing POC? The last thing I want to do is fall into the trap of using overgeneralized tropes.

My advice here would be to seek out resources on this topic that were written by marginalized people. They’re going to have better advice.

 

Wanna see your questions get answered (or just wanna air a grievance?) Put it in the box!

Let’s Make A Waffle (Apple Pie Edition)

True Blood Tuesday S04E02: “You Smell Like Dinner”

Okay, this episode is slightly less bonkers than the last one. But still, this series has taken a turn.

Here’s the file, hit play when the HBO logo and sound fade.

Also, trigger warning for rape from now until I give you the all-clear.

State of The Trout: Plagiarism and Other Stuff Edition

Hey there everyone! I want to thank, thank, thank all of you for helping get the plagiarized version of my book taken down across so many platforms. It’s incredible how I can count on you guys to have my back. I’m really touched.

On that subject, I found out that the Amazon version of the plagiarized book only made five whole dollars, and that because the distributor is operated by Macmillan I would have to go to them for compensation. I’m still deciding whether or not I want to bother going after money that small. The practical part of me says no, don’t do that, it’s not even worth the five bucks to even write the email. The petty, vindictive part of me says to lawyer up and sue for that money just to put the plagiarist through a mountain of hassle on principal. I’m leaning toward the former.

In other news, Say Goodbye To Hollywood is now available at Barnes & Noble and iBooks.

In other other news, tune in here on Wednesday. I’m going to show you how to make a waffle.

The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S03E18, “Earshot”

CW: SUICIDE

In every generation, there is a chosen one. She alone would appreciate it if Netflix would stop getting rid of shows she likes. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
All the monsters look like wieners.
If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
Angel is a dick.
Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
Science and technology are not to be trusted.
Mental illness is stigmatized.
Only Willow can use a computer.
Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
Oz is the Anti-Xander
Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
Smoking is evil.
Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.
How do these kids know all these outdated references, anyway?
Technology is used inconsistently as per its convenience in the script.
Sunnydale residents are no longer shocked by supernatural attacks.
Casual rape dismissal/victim blaming a-go-go
Snyder believes Buffy is a demon or other evil entity.
The Scoobies kind of help turn Jonathan into a bad guy.
This show caters to the straight/bi female gaze like whoa.
Sunnydale General is the worst hospital in the world.
Faith is hyper-sexualized needlessly.
Slut shame!
The Watchers have no fucking clue what they’re doing.
Vampire bites, even very brief ones, are 99.8% fatal.
Economic inequality is humorized and oversimplified.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it.

I’ve had people ask if these recaps will be suspended now that Buffy has left Netflix. The good news is no, I have other ways to watch. The bad news is, if it ever leaves Hulu, I might have to go back to changing DVDs and that’s just malarkey. But fear not. I have every season (and every season of Angel) on DVD. The resolution of the screencaps will likely be the only thing that suffers.

We open on Buffy running in terror from two demons. She falls to the ground, then reveals that this was an elaborate ruse to lure the demons into combat and spring the element of surprise on them.

Buffy: “You demons can’t resist a run-and-stumble, can you?”

She kills one of the mouthless ghouls and watches in dismay as the other escapes. So she doesn’t notice that the creature’s Rock ‘n Bowl-style blacklit blood splashed on her hand.

The blood absorbs into Buffy’s skin without her noticing, which is not an ideal situation when you’re dealing with demons.

At Sunnydale High, Buffy tells Willow about the demons she fought the night before. Can you imagine having Buffy as a friend, though? “What did you do last night?” “I stayed in and watched TV and put off doing homework. What did you do?” “Epic demon battle.”

Willow: “I don’t like this whole ‘no mouth’ thing. It’s disquieting.”

Buffy: “Well, no mouth means no teeth. Unless they have them somewhere else.”

See why it’s so disquieting, Buffy?

Oz, Xander, and Giles are already researching the Ascension and coming up with jack and squat. Giles insists that the whole Angel/Faith plan wasn’t completely useless, Buffy scratches the back of her hand, and Wesley comes in and interrupts, all puffed up about being included in Official Council Business™.

Giles: “I was just filling Buffy in on my progress regarding the research of the Ascension.”

Wesley: “Oh? And what took up the rest of the minute?”

Get fucked, Weasel. You don’t look all that hard at work on the research.

Giles: “Touché. Of course my work is unofficial. I’m sure, however, with the resources of the Council at your disposal, you will have something to add.”

Followed by Wesley repeating exactly what Giles already told them, resulting in all the students getting up and leaving.

In the hallway, Buffy is still wondering if Angel was really into all that making out with Faith stuff because she’s not convinced he was faking it. Willow gives her exactly the same advice she always gives Buffy in these situations: talk to Angel and find out.

So, coming from a romance writer’s perspective, this is why the romantic tension between Buffy and Angel is so weak in season three: it’s all based on The Big Misunderstanding and a complete lack of communication. And it’s partially realistic; Buffy is a teen girl and therefore probably nervous about open dialogue in a relationship with a partner whose maturity and experience overwhelms her. We see over and over that she has a difficult time talking to Angel without qualifiers or apologizing for bringing stuff up. But while it’s realistic, it doesn’t exactly make for riveting relationship drama over a prolonged arc.

So, Xander has this hatred/enthusiastic fandom for Hogan, the student Willow is tutoring. His hate-on turns to genuine awe when Hogan and his bestie, Percy, wander by. I’m still sitting here like, how the fuck did a kid named Percy end up as the popular guy’s buddy? I don’t care how good he is at sports, Percy is not going to be friends with the star quarterback or something. Percy is going to be the kid getting swirlies. Anyway, Hogan invites Willow to watch his basketball game, because they’re in some kind of championship, and apparently all the Scoobies except for Buffy were already planning on going to this game together as a group activity that they didn’t mention to her. What the hell, guys?

So, Buffy feels slighted, but ultimately more concerned about her itchy demon blood hand. Giles looks up the demon and finds some alarming facts:

Giles: “It says it can infect the host.”

Buffy: “Infect? Infect? Giles!”

Giles: “Hmm?”

Buffy: “Infect?!”

I agree, Buffy, Giles is being way too casual about all of this. Especially since he goes on to say that yeah, you could get an aspect of the demon, but you could also be having a reaction to some fabric softener, so don’t worry about it. You live in Sunnydale, Giles. Do you really think it’s fabric softner? I’m giving you a #8, buddy.

Out in the courtyard, Cordelia and the cheerleaders are having an oddly specific pep rally. Like, they’ve written a cheer specifically about Hogan. It’s possible that my school was an anomaly, but I don’t remember any cheers that singled out one player like, fuck the team, this is the guy! But I also feel like maybe a lot of people who worked on this might possibly have not been real into high school sports? Maybe? Especially since #11 is such a big thing during the high school years of this show. You kind of get the impression that people who are writing this dialogue:

Buffy: “Is it me, or is this really lame?”

Oz: “I don’t know, I usually enjoy lameness and this is leaving me kind of cold.”

probably aren’t working against their own unpleasant high school experiences.

But I have such issues over this whole pep rally thing. I don’t want to make it take up the whole recap, but I have questions, okay? Like, the cheer the cheerleaders are doing is literally “H-O-G-A-N is Hogan! Go Hogan!” Like, what the hell kind of cheer is that? Yeah, spell outs are good cheers to get the crowd going, but anyone can just yell out letters in unison and be like, “That’s this thing I just spelled!” That’s like Tom Cullen in The Stand. And are they spelling out the names of all the athletes on the team? How long is this pep rally?!

Plus, the Sunnydale cheerleaders are a mess. Their uniforms are like, a sweater you can buy at target. They’re way too short when they raise their arms. And some of them don’t even have their hair pulled back. Where are their bows? Where’s the glitter eyeshadow and the school logo painted on their cheeks? This is a pep rally for a big game! We know this school has a pool, so there’s money in this district for sports. Why is no one spending any on the cheerleaders?

And what really grinds my muffin is that they’ve got Charisma Carpenter on the set, standing right there. She was a professional cheerleader. At what point do you not ask her, “Hey, is there anything we could do better?”

I’m not the only person, by the way, who thinks this whole thing is a ridiculous failure:

Willow: “Well, according to Freddy’s latest editorial, ‘the pep rally is a place for pseudo-prostitutes to provoke men into a sexual frenzy which, when thwarted, results in pointless athletic competition.'”

Who is running this school? Who lets a kid blithely call teenage girls “pseudo-prostitutes” in their school newspaper? What on Earth is happening at Sunnydale?

Willow: “The school paper is edging on depressing lately. Have you guys noticed that?”

Oz: “I don’t know. I always go straight to the obits.”

Oh, right. That.

Buffy doesn’t care about the pep rally or the quality of the student newspaper. She’s just worried she’s going to grow horns. Willow tries to reassure her by saying that she doesn’t think Giles is even doing a very good job being a Watcher lately. Having seen the entire show, this delights me on a “the characterization is so damn good and consistent” level. Willow is starting to view Giles as a fallible human being and not a guy who knows more by virtue of being a grown up. This just keeps escalating right up to their magic brawl at the end of season six.

But she does worry that Buffy might grow a demon penis.

After a few misogynist comments about how the cheerleaders are getting better because they can spell things now (#6), Xander notices that Wesley is checking Cordelia out. And it’s important:

Xander: “My god, he’s looking at her! He’s got his filthy adult, Pierce-Brosnan-y eyes all over my Cordy!”

THANK YOU! For god’s sake. Now, I guess one could argue that a relationship between Cordy and Wesley wouldn’t be a big deal because she’s eighteen and he’s really not in a position of authority over her, but…do we know that? It still hasn’t been established why it’s okay for Wesley to be hanging around on campus all the time. This is another example of #8 at work. Why are no adults concerned about a strange man being at the school all the time? Why isn’t this a topic of discussion in the teacher’s lounge? He’s not subtle, with his longing stares and frequent tie adjustments.

Later that night, Buffy walks home and gets startled by Angel. He’s out patrolling, too, but for Faith. He says he wants to keep Buffy safe, but she’s like, are you tracking Faith or are you tracking me, and he’s like, tracking you. Okay, but why? Why not just patrol with Buffy, rather than follow her around without telling her you’re there?

Anyway, Angel uses a different angle to reassure Buffy about the whole aspect-of-the-demon thing. P.S., trying to write Angel and angle in the same sentence is not easy for someone who is dyslexic, trust me. But he makes a good point: it’s possible that the demons just made up “aspect of the demon” as a rumor for PR, and demons are known to exaggerate. He also tells Buffy that he’ll love her even if she’s covered in slime, which isn’t as comforting as she would maybe like to hear.

But she does mention that it wouldn’t matter if she grew horns because no one would see her. She’s always walking around in the dark at night and not at a basketball game with her friends. So, this whole, “Hey, we forgot to mention we’re all going to the game and being normal teenagers who can opt out of demon shenanigans at any time” thing is really slighting Buffy. And it’s making me not like her friends a little bit. I want to mom them: “Don’t you guys think Buffy might feel a little left out? Even if you assume she’s busy with her Slayer duties, it would be nice of you to extend the invitation, anyway.”

God, I remember when I related to these characters. Now I’m like, “They need parents who are more actively involved in their lives. I better make myself that parent because this is totally my business.”

At school the next day, Willow, Xander, and Oz are excitedly recapping the highlights of the game when Buffy shows up and they all stop talking. Which is Buffy’s clue that they were talking about the game and they didn’t want to make her feel bad. But they continue to try to downplay it until Cordelia overhears and is like, excuse me, that was an amazing game, revealing that Buffy’s friends are all well-intentioned liars. Willow quickly tries to remind Buffy that saving the world and stuff is super important.

Then Xander looks off longingly at Cordelia, and doesn’t say:

Xander: “I wonder if she and Wesley have kissed.”

But Buffy hears it, anyway.

Buffy: “Really bugs you, huh?”

Xander: “What?”

Buffy: “Cordelia and Wesley. Smooching.”

Xander: “Man, you read my mind.”

And Buffy’s face goes like this:

After the commercial break, Buffy is walking through the halls and bumps into a kindly, soft-spoken teacher:

Mr. Beech: “Whoa there. You watch where you’re going now.”

Buffy: “I’m sorry, Mr. Beech, I will.”

Mr. Beech: (thinking) “Students. If we could just get rid of all the students…”

Buffy can hear the thoughts of anyone she passes, from the bitter nerd who’s sure his classmates are all going to end up in fast food jobs to the student who’s stressing about her French class and the kid who knows his pants are just a little too low. Unfortunately, she can also hear the thoughts of a guy who thinks she’s hot, which she likes, but who also wants to push her against a locker and have his way with her.

But while reading the thoughts of teenage boys is probably not the greatest gift a teenage girl can have, Buffy doesn’t seem too wigged out about it:

Buffy: “Is this the thing? The aspect thing? Because I gotta say, if it is, it is way better than a tail. I mean, I have a hard enough time as it is finding jeans that fit right–”

Giles: “Buffy, slow down. Just, um… I’m not even conviced that this is genuine mind reading. You’re most likely projecting your–”

Buffy: “When I walked in a few minutes ago you thought, ‘look at her shoes. If a fashion magazine told her to she’d wear cats strapped to her feet.'”

Can’t argue with that one, Giles. Also, meow, dude. No need to be…catty.

He thinks to himself that the demons are telepathic and that’s why they don’t need mouths, but when he tries to tell Buffy, she already knows. Because he thought it. And because Giles is a big old Watcher dork, he finds it interesting and not immediately terrifying. I’m sorry, Giles, but I am watching True Blood right now and let me tell you, Miss Sookie Stackhouse would not appreciate you finding this “astounding.” It is a living nightmare.

But I can forgive him because True Blood didn’t exist yet.

Giles says that this could be a real asset in all the demon fighting since Buffy would be able to anticipate an opponent’s moves and such, but Buffy thinks there are better applications for her new power. Like impressing her English teacher by reading the mind of another student (one who’s actually done the reading) during a class discussion. But she also hears:

Willow: (thinking) “Buffy did the reading? Buffy understood the reading?”

Wow, tell us how you really fell about your best friend.

But she also hears the thoughts of Freddy, the angry school newspaper columnist. Freddy is your standard-issue ’90s alternajerk, wearing all black and thinking everyone else is indoctrinated into some way of thought he’s been smart enough to resist. Or whatever guys like that think of themselves that makes them act that way.

Buffy plucks themes from the English teacher’s dissertation right from her head in order to impress the class, and it works. But it also gives Buffy a sad, because the teacher goes on to describe people having our own internal Iagos (from Othello) making us feel insecure about our partners. Cut to sad music and Buffy almost frying Angel when she strolls into his house unannounced. She’s gone over during Angel’s sleeping hours to randomly bring up Faith again, but this time she’s going to read Angel’s mind when she does it. Except, it doesn’t work, and Angel knows that she’s trying to read his mind. He tells her she’s not going to be able to read his thoughts and suggests that if she wants to know what he’s thinking, she could always ask him.

I have to give credit Angel here. I would flip out and tear someone a new one if they tried to read my thoughts, and he’s pretty calm about it. He tells Buffy he hated hurting her during the whole Faith plan, and the only person he loves is Buffy. He tells her again to just ask him about stuff in the future and warns her that reading minds might seem awesome, but there’s a fairly high chance that it’s going to suck.

In the library, the news has broken that Buffy can read minds. In what may be my favorite Cordelia scene of season three, we learn that reading Cordelia’s mind is not necessary:

Cordelia: (thinking) “I don’t see what this has to do with me.”

Cordelia: “I don’t see what this has to do with me.”

Willow tries to be a supportive friend, but inwardly she’s totally freaked out that Buffy won’t need to be friends with her anymore if she has yet another super power. When Buffy responds to the thoughts in Willow’s mind and not the words she’s saying out loud, it freaks everyone out.

Like Oz, for example:

Oz: (thinking) “I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. And I cease to exist.”

Oz: “Hmm.”

I’m not sure Oz is the guy whose thoughts I’d want to be reading. They seem like, too far above my pay grade. Xander’s thoughts are a little more common and panicky:

Xander: (thinking) “What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me.”

Buffy: “God, Xander, is that all you think about?”

Xander: “Actually? Bye.”

Xander jumps up and runs out, hopefully to some kind of remedial math class. Wesley points out that now that everyone knows that Buffy can read their minds they’re going to be thinking the last thing they’d want her to hear. He tells them to use mental discipline, but as Giles explains that mental discipline, Wesley starts having some really creepy thoughts about Cordelia. And Buffy can hear them all.

(Please excuse the new shape/size of the screencaps. I’m watching on Hulu now, since the show has been removed from Netflix.)

Willow asks Buffy what her new ability is like, and Buffy is super excited about it. But then Oz’s thoughts interrupt her:

Oz: (thinking) “No one else exists, either. Buffy is all of us. We think, therefore she is.”

Willow (thinking): “She knows so much. She knows what Oz is thinking. I never know that! Before long, she’ll know him better than I do.”

Buffy: “No, don’t think that.”

Willow: “I can’t help it, Buffy. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

I kind of wish there was a scene where Buffy pulls Willow aside and is like, “Nobody can handle what Oz is thinking. It’s for the best that you don’t have those questions inside your head.”

Willow and Oz get up and leave, and Buffy is upset that she’s got yet another special power that’s going to isolate her from the people who care about her. And also the people who don’t care about her:

Cordelia (thinking): “Whatever. I wonder when I can go.”

Cordelia: “Whatever. Can I go?”

Buffy leaves the library and walks through the hall hearing people’s thoughts. And it’s not as fun as it was before because there are more of them and they’re almost all resoundingly negative. In his office, Giles finds mention of another person who was afflicted with the same problem. Except that person is living in total isolation now, so they can’t contact him. And that doesn’t exactly bode well for our Slayer, because there’s no way to shut it off or shut it out. As Buffy struggles through the cafeteria, her brain overloaded by the noise of other people’s thoughts, she hears:

Disembodied, androgynous voice: “This time tomorrow, I’ll kill you all.”

Then a fucking Zyrtec commercial comes on because I’m recapping from Hulu hell.

When we return, Buffy is in such shock that she drops her lunch tray, to the sarcastic applause of the entire cafeteria. Which might be the most authentic high school experience I’ve ever seen in a television show. She looks around frantically, trying to figure out the source of the threat, but she’s overcome by all the mental voices and blacks out.

Buffy wakes up outside, on the grass, with Willow, Giles, Xander, Oz, and Cordelia standing over her.

Cordelia: “I told them not to move you. They probably severed your spinal cord.”

Wait, why did they move her? And why didn’t anyone stop them? “Hey, passed out student, we’ll deal with this. Nothing to see here, just gonna drag her limp, unconscious body outside and toss her on the lawn for some reason.” I mean, I understand why they would want to move her out of the cafeteria that’s currently full of thoughts, but how did they make it seem normal? And why didn’t any other school staff get involved? They have to fill out reports on shit like students passing out. And they probably should call Buffy’s mom.

Buffy tells them about the voice, which she can’t identify due to all the rage in the thought. Though her friends’ minds are creating a disoriented cacophony in her own, Buffy says she has to find the person who plans on killing the whole school.

And this is the part where we realize that this episode has not aged well.

Oz: “Are you sure they meant it?”

Xander: “Yeah, I mean who hasn’t just idly thought about taking out the whole place with a semi-automatic?”

Can you believe that there was a time when this plot worked? Not just the casual joke about wanting to shoot up your school, but the fact that Buffy has heard someone saying they’re going to kill everyone and it’s not being taken as a serious threat immediately? (#8) That’s not something that teens brush off these days (at least, my teen wouldn’t). There are just too many mass school shootings. This episode was filmed before the Columbine massacre. Shootings happened before then, but it just wasn’t something that entered into a lot of teen minds on a daily basis, the way it does now. It seemed like if you were getting shot at school, it was either during an altercation with another student or you were a bystander to an altercation. Nobody really planned on getting killed in a mass shooting until college, where it seemed like the bulk of these incidents were taking place.

Before Buffy takes Giles home to escape the sounds of thinking, she tells the gang to thoroughly investigate everyone who was in the cafeteria and also to check out that teacher who hates students. Giles promises her that everything will be all right, but she overhears him thinking that if they can’t cure her, she’ll go insane.

The Scoobies get to work profiling the other students, and the script does address the American phenomenon of school shootings:

Xander: “I’m still having trouble with the fact that one of us is just gonna gun everyone down for no reason.”

Cordelia: “Yeah, because that never happens in American high schools.”

Oz: “It’s bordering on trendy at this point.”

I wonder if they came back and reshot this scene to add those lines. Not because of any noticeable continuity issues, just because it was supposed to air the week after Columbine, and was delayed until just before the start of season four. It would be a good time to add commentary if it wasn’t there. It most likely was in there from the start, but it does make me curious.

At Buffy’s house, Joyce is bustling around getting pillows and blankets and generally fussing over Buffy. Why? Because remember what Wesley said about thinking the thing you’d least want Buffy to know?

Buffy: “You had sex with Giles? You had sex with Giles?”

Joyce: “It was the candy! We were teenagers!”

Buffy: “On the hood of a police car?”

Joyce: “I’ll be downstairs. You feel better.”

Buffy: “Twice?”

I’m having some difficulty fitting “twice” into the “Band Candy” timeline, but good job Jane Espenson for clearing up the “did they/didn’t they” thing fans had at the time.

Back at the library, Willow hands everyone lists of who to question and how to question them. Willow starts with Jonathan, the mopey dork everyone has teased mercilessly over the course of the series.

Willow: “We all have fantasies where we’re powerful and respected. Where people pay attention to us.”

Jonathan: “Maybe?”

Willow: “But sometimes the fantasy isn’t enough, is it, Jonathan? Sometimes we have to make it so people don’t ignore us. make them pay attention. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?”

I guess if we’re taking the season four episode “Superstar” into account, then yes, Jonathan knows exactly what she’s talking about. But more on that later. Under the guise of an interview for the yearbook, Oz questions a basketball player. Cordelia tries the same tactic, but she’s not as good at it:

Cordelia: “Hi, Mr. Beech. I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow? Oh, it’s for the yearbook.”

Xander uses the opportunity to question some girls about what they like in guys and what their ideal date is. Because he’s Xander. (#5) When Oz goes to interview Freddy, the kid who runs the school newspaper, he can’t find him. Because Freddy is hiding under his desk to avoid Oz.

In the beginning, Buffy couldn’t hear thoughts unless she was in some kind of physical proximity to them, but that night she can hear everyone in the neighborhood. Giles and Wesley are in the library, hard at work on a cure that requires the heart of one of those mouthless demons. Cut to Angel murdering said demon. I feel like Angel gets to be a lot more helpful this season than he was in the first season. Maybe he’s just growing on me because I know he’ll be on his own show soon.

At school the next day, Willow questions Nancy, the girl Buffy was showing up in English class:

Nancy: “Do I often imagine classmates are spying on me or otherwise acting suspiciously?”

Willow: “Right.”

Nancy: “Not till just now.”

Touché, Nancy.

Xander handles Larry the Bully and tries to delicately broach the subject of what he assumes is Larry’s closeted sexuality that will inevitably drive him to shoot up the school. But Larry is out. In fact, Larry is worried about what he assumes is Xander’s closeted sexuality. Larry urges Xander to come out, possibly through a tasteful announcement in the school newspaper. So, Larry can probably be crossed off the list of suspects, because he’s pretty well adjusted and not really a bully anymore.

The only student suspect unaccounted for is Freddy the editor, who continually ducks Oz:

Xander: “We do have this, people. Today’s editorial, titled ‘Big Game Draws Mindless, Braindead Mob.’

Cordelia: “Does he mention the cheerleaders? Because we were on.”

Joyce is worried that her thoughts might be hurting Buffy, but Giles tells her that at this point Buffy can hear so many thoughts they’re indistinguishable from the others. Luckily, Angel arrives, shrouded in a blanket to protect him from the sun. It’s the same blanket that Spike uses later. I mean, it just is. There’s no arguing that it’s a different one. Yes, it was probably just more economical to go, “Oh, Spike needs a blanket mid-season four? Well, just grab the one Angel used for like two seconds in season three. Nobody will notice.”

But I noticed.

I noticed.

Even though I know there’s a practical reason, I’m going to headcanon that there is only one sun-proof blanket out there and all the vampires have to share it. They have to sign it out or something and pay a deposit.

So anyway, Angel brought the potion that’s needed to cure Buffy. He pours some into her mouth and it doesn’t seem to have any effect until she starts convulsing. At the school, we see Jonathan in the clocktower preparing to assemble a rifle. When we come back from commercial, Buffy wakes up surrounded by two watchers, a vampire, and a mom. Joyce asks Buffy if she can hear thoughts. She can’t. Awesome. But there’s still a murderer out there, and the gang thinks it’s probably Freddy. They finally corner him in his office:

Freddy: “You’re not here about the review?”

Oz: “Review?”

Freddy: “Yeah. Last Thursday?”

Oz: (reading) “‘Dingos At My Baby played their instruments as if they had plump Polish sausages taped to their fingers.'”

Freddy: “Sorry, man.”

Oz: “No, it’s fair.”

Can I just once again talk about how much I love Oz? He’s proud of his band and he likes doing it, but he accepts that they’re either not a good band, not the best band, or a band that not everyone is going to love, and then he just rolls with it. He does his own thing. I wish he had never left.

Freddy just thought they were coming to confront him for what he wrote about Dingos. He has no idea about any murder. But he seems pretty cool with the idea of a murder happening. He doesn’t freak out or anything. I’m just saying, keep an eye on that kid. Buffy starts laying out a plan to evacuate the school, but she’s interrupted when Cordelia finds a letter on Freddy’s desk:

Cordelia: “‘By this time tomorrow you’ll all know what I’ve done. I’m sure you understand that I had to do it, and although death is never easy, it’s the only way.’ God, doesn’t anyone write in to praise the cheerleaders? We are so unsung.”

Willow sees that Jonathan wrote the letter, and they split up to find him. He’s busily assembling his rifle (complete with scope) as they run around looking for him. Xander goes to the cafeteria and gets sidetracked by Jell-o, but Buffy spots Jonathan. She parkours her way up to the roof to the astonishment of all the students in the commons and crashes through the shutters into the clocktower. Jonathan tells her to stay away and points the gun at her as she tries to gently talk him down. But she’s not a crisis negotiator, so it’s not all smooth sailing:

Jonathan: “Stop doing that!”

Buffy: “Doing what?”

Jonathan: “Stop saying my name, like we’re friends. We’re not friends. You all think I’m an idiot. A short idiot.”

Buffy: “I don’t. I don’t think about you much at all. Nobody here really does. Bugs you, doesn’t it? You have all this pain, all these feelings and nobody’s really paying attention.”

Jonathan: “You think I just want attention?”

Buffy: “No, I think you’re up in the clocktower with a high powered rifle because you want to blend in.”

Buffy tries to tell him that her life sucks, too, but he doesn’t see how it could. She tells him that everyone is dealing with their own pain, and that’s why they don’t have time to notice his. Or anyone else’s, for that matter. Everyone is just walking around, absorbed in their own pain. She also says that she could have taken the gun away from him basically at any time. That’s true, so I guess it’s nice that she counselled him for free instead of just kicking his ass. He hands over the rifle and she unloads it.

Jonathan: “I just wanted it to stop.”

Buffy: “Yeah, well, mass murder? Not really doctor recommended for that kind of pain. Besides, prison? You know, it’s a lot like high school, except instead of noogies–”

I should have started a counter to keep track of the casual rape jokes in this series. (#6)

Jonathan: “What are you talking about?”

Buffy: “Actions? Having consequences? You know, stuff like that.”

Jonathan: “I-I wouldn’t ever hurt anybody. I came up here to kill myself.”

PLOT TWIST!

But let’s talk about this. First of all, I understand that in order to make it seem plausible that he would be committing a mass shooting, he needed a scary looking gun. But from a practical standpoint, how the fuck was he going to shoot himself with that rifle, and why the fuck did he need the scope? I mean, I understand that it’s theoretically possible to shoot oneself with a long gun, but would that have been his first pick? Second, I’m a little disturbed by this suicide coming on the heels of Willow’s little chat with him. Jonathan is clearly in the middle of a crisis, and having someone talk about finding ways to make people pay attention, make them not ignore us, etc. is really, really not helpful to someone with suicidal ideation, no matter what the motive behind that ideation is. Did the show just accidentally give us a scene where Willow helped another kid decide to kill himself? I wonder if that ever crossed any minds as they produced this script.

Xander strolls into the cafeteria kitchen lookin’ for some vittles, and he sees this:

My favorite part about this scene is how freaking long it goes on, with Xander and the lunch lady freezing and staring at each other for whole seconds as she just keeps pouring the rat poison in. But then Xander runs and she grabs a big cleaver and chases him into the lunchroom proper, trying to kill him as he flips tables and warns people to stop eating. She’s about to bring the blade down when Buffy grabs her arm and stops her.

Holy shit, where’s Jonathan? Did Buffy just tell him, yeah, everyone in the whole world is in monumental pain all around you all the time and we’re all helplessly isolated in that pain and it lasts forever, then left him alone with the gun he intended to commit suicide with? Because that seems a tad irresponsible.

When the lunch lady starts babbling about the students being vermin who eat filth, Buffy decides she needs to incapacitate her. She beats her up and oh my god. Guys. The stunt double is so obvious here, it’s like they didn’t even try. They replaced the short, fat lunch lady with a tall, slender person wearing baggy clothes. It’s really brief and split second, and I’ll bet money it looked more convincing before the advent of high definition displays. Honestly, that kind of stuff only adds to a show’s charm for me. I love when my favorite things become time capsules.

The next day at school, Willow asks Buffy about how things are going with Angel, and everything seems okay again. Giles catches up to them and asks how Jonathan is. Buffy tells him that things aren’t going well; Jonathan’s parents freaked out and he got suspended. Which happens if you bring a gun to school, sure, but I feel like there should be a little more follow up here than Buffy being like, “I think he’s dealing.” Which is a direct quote. “I think he’s dealing.” Well, this kid brought a gun to school to kill himself, but the good news is that his parents are angry, he got suspended, and now he’s even more of a social outcast than before, but I’m sure he’ll be just fine.

Giles: “It’s good of you to check on him.”

Buffy: “Well, it’s nice to be able to help someone in a non-Slaying capacity. Except he’s starting to get that look. You know, like he’s gonna ask me to prom?”

Giles; “Well, it would probably be good for his self-esteem if you–”

Buffy: “Oh, come on! What am I, Saint Buffy? He’s like three feet tall!”

Yurgh. I know Buffy is supposed to be a shallow former popular kid with Cordelia-esque tendencies, but I really feel for Jonathan and I don’t like this comment.

Giles asks Buffy if she wants to train:

Buffy: “Sure. We can workout after school. You know, if you’re not too busy having sex with my mother.”

And then Giles walks into a tree. Roll credits.

Overall, this is a freakin’ great episode. The only thing I wish they would have done better was the handling of Jonathan’s suicide attempt. It feels way too serious to have a teen try to commit suicide, then just wave it away with, “Oh, he’s probably going to be fine.” It’s a heavy and too-realistic subject that needs a Very Special Episode™ to deal with it if it’s going to be addressed. Or at the very least, a better resolution that would assure us that Jonathan will be fine. Because spoiler alert, he’s not fine at all. This is one of those areas where I feel like #29 is in play; Buffy is involved now. She is a part of Jonathan’s story. While in real life it’s okay to distance ourselves from people once they’re no longer in immediate crisis (especially to protect our own mental health and energy), Buffy is the hero of a fictional story, and for that story to make sense and be satisfying, we have to know that she’s acting heroically not only with the monsters but with the others around her. We’re going to talk about this more when we get to “Superstar” next season, but overall I just wish we could have seen Buffy and Jonathan talking again, under better circumstances. That way we could be reassured he’s really okay, and it would have reinforced that Buffy isn’t just a hero for beating up monsters; she’s a hero because she’s a good person who cares about others.

But that one omission aside, this episode is soup and crackers, and should have won an Emmy just for the scene with Xander and the lunch lady and the rat poison.

The Big Damn Writer Advice Column

It’s that time of the week when I answer your anonymous questions about writing and all that stuff connected to it. Every Thursday, I’ll be answering two questions from the Big Damn Writer Question Box.

Q: Do you know the plot before you sit down to write, or do you let the story unfold as you go along?

A: I usually know the main plot or at least the things that are going to happen. Then I sit down and outline with that knowledge and start writing. Then as I actually get into the writing, subplots start to develop and I usually have to fiddle with my outline as I go. But the process of doing the actual writing is really personal and sometimes changes as your style evolves. When I started writing, I would sit down, no character outline, no story outline, I would just go, “Okay, this is a story about” and go, but now there’s a little more structure. But I know people who started out with meticulous outlines, copious notes, spreadsheets, chapter hooks for every chapter, any kind of planning you could think of, and now they’re like, “I’ve got three characters in my head and a loose concept. Let’s sit down and write.” So you might find yourself going from a “plotter” who painstakingly prepares the entire book before you write it, to a “pantser” who just sits down and goes, “Where are you taking me today, imagination?” And sometimes it’s the project that dictates which method you use. I find that a lot of the time, writers have little to no choice as to how they’re going to work from project to project and that listening to your intuition and not trying to hold yourself to a rigid structure of “this is how I’m going to work” will decrease frustration and burnout.

 

Q: God, this question’s probably vague as can be. As a person who’s been dealing with anxiety, I find your unapologetic writings inspiring and empowering. But I still get these crippling fears, which make me… not write, or at least not publish. When I *do* publish, and someone (kindly!) points out an error (grammar or consistency or logically), I beat myself up over it, whilst knowing that I shouldn’t and this is a chance to learn and/or I am allowed to not always agree with feedback. So every time I publish a blog or something, I’m completely off my rockers for a couple of days, sometimes weeks. In order to not feel that again soon, I stop writing for months, then pick it up again, and go through the same cycle. Do you somehow recognize this? I think my question is: knowing that you have anxiety issues as well, how do you deal with your inner critic?

A: I definitely recognize this. For me, it’s a much shorter cycle after years of publishing. The first week after a book comes out, I’m like, “OH MY GOD STOP TELLING ME YOU FOUND TYPOS I’M FREAKING OUT HOW DID A TYPO EVEN GET IN THERE I WAS SO CAREFUL EVERYONE WAS SO CAREFUL HOW DID WE NOT SEE THESE I HAVE TO FIRE EVERYONE WHO’S EVER WORKED FOR ME I HAVE TO FIRE MYSELF I SHOULD JUST QUIT OBVIOUSLY I CAN’T EVEN USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY I AM A MONSTER OH DEATH YOU DARK VIXEN ENFOLD ME IN YOUR EVERLASTING EMBRACE FOR I CANNOT BEAR THE TERROR OF THIS LIFE!”

And then after like five days, I remember I once read a book where the heroine admired the hero’s “trim waste” and that I will never, ever have a typo that bad.

One thing that has helped me over the years, especially in periods of high visibility, is drawing that line between my inner critic and criticism from other people. You really have to work at reminding yourself that just because someone thinks a thing about you or your work, that doesn’t make it objective truth. When I started out, I would crumple if someone didn’t like something about one of my books or didn’t see a character the way I saw them. I had this intense desire to somehow contact these people and explain to them why they were wrong and why my book actually was really good (I did not act on this, thank god). But at some point, I came to the realization that just because someone thought a thing about me or my work, that didn’t mean I had to agree with them. I don’t remember how I came to that realization, but feel free to write that down and put it somewhere you can see it: Just because someone says something about my work doesn’t mean I have to agree with them.

 

Bonus Question: What is the worst piece of advice you received about writing (that you’ve heard others give out?)

A: I would have to say that the worst and most offensive advice I’ve ever heard given in general was that no romance heroine could ever be a sex worker because sex workers were unloveable. I can’t remember what the workshop was about, but the presenter asked for examples of fairy tales that had been reworked into romances. I suggested Pretty Woman was a mash-up of “Cinderella” and Shaw’s Pygmalion, and the woman cut me off before I could even finish my sentence. She goes, “No, no, no. Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman is a hooker, and you can’t have a hooker as your heroine. They’re unloveable. A hero is not going to want a hooker.” Later that day, in another workshop, she talked about her book that was set in an old west saloon and said that her heroine was a prostitute, but that was okay because she was still a virgin and didn’t do anything with the men. So I’m not entirely sure that she knew what the word “prostitute” meant in that context.

Either way, I went on to write a romance with a heroine who was a sex worker and the sky did not fall and nobody revoked my romance card. It’s unavailable right now, but it will re-release hopefully later this year, with some updates.

 

Wanna see your questions get answered (or just wanna air a grievance?) Put it in the box!