Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 46

The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S03E21 “Graduation Day, Part 1”

In every generation, there is a chosen one. She alone is seeing Billy Joel in concert today. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
All the monsters look like wieners.
If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
Angel is a dick.
Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
Science and technology are not to be trusted.
Mental illness is stigmatized.
Only Willow can use a computer.
Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
Oz is the Anti-Xander
Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
Smoking is evil.
Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.
How do these kids know all these outdated references, anyway?
Technology is used inconsistently as per its convenience in the script.
Sunnydale residents are no longer shocked by supernatural attacks.
Casual rape dismissal/victim blaming a-go-go
Snyder believes Buffy is a demon or other evil entity.
The Scoobies kind of help turn Jonathan into a bad guy.
This show caters to the straight/bi female gaze like whoa.
Sunnydale General is the worst hospital in the world.
Faith is hyper-sexualized needlessly.
Slut shame!
The Watchers have no fucking clue what they’re doing.
Vampire bites, even very brief ones, are 99.8% fatal.
Economic inequality is humorized and oversimplified.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it.

We’re here. The end of season three, the end of Buffy and the gang’s high school days. The end, in fact, of the high school. But that’s in part two.

Part one opens with a “Previously, on Buffy,” recap of season three, then we’re at Sunnydale High, where Xander and Cordelia are picking up their unfashionable graduation robes. They’re still snippy with each other, but it’s not as brutal and hate-filled. You know, because of the end of the world and all.

Xander: “I’m telling you. I woke up the other day with this feeling in my gut. I just know. There is no way I’m getting out of this school alive.”

Cordelia: “Wow, you’ve really mastered the power of positive giving up.”

Xander: “I’ve been lucky too many times. My number’s coming up. And I was short. One more rotation, and I’m shipping stateside. You know what I mean?”

Cordelia: “Seldom if ever.”

On the stairwell, Harmony asks Willow to sign her yearbook. You know, to remind us that Harmony is a character on this show.

Harmony: “You know, I really wish we would have got to know each other better.”

Willow: “Me, too!”

Harmony: “I mean, you’re so smart. I always wanted to be like that.”

Willow: “Thanks, you’re so sweet!”

Harmony: “I hope we don’t lose touch.”

Willow: “No, we’ll hang out!”

Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha. #21. There is no way anyone saw the eventual development of Harmony’s greatness at this point. Also, I love that a seemingly throwaway line of dialogue set up her entire character arc for the rest of the show, and her eventual transfer to Angel.

Buffy watches the end of this interaction with no shortage of amusement.

Buffy: “Don’t you hate her?”

Willow: “Yes, with a fiery vengeance. She picked on me for ten years. The vacuous tramp. It’s like a sickness, Buffy. I’m just missing everything.”

Oh, how I remember those days. At my high school, the seniors were done with school like a month before the actual end of school. And for like a week, I kept showing up for my classes. Other students would be like, “You’re free. Why are you still here?” Well, because life totally changed in a single day. I was supposed to quit everything I’d known since age five cold turkey? That’s a lot to ask of someone who can’t legally buy alcohol to cope with their feelings. I totally get what Willow means here, and watching these episodes really brings back those feelings, which I’m sure a lot of you share, dear readers.

Let’s not forget to slap a #6 on here for the “vacuous tramp” remark.

Buffy, on the other hand, says she doesn’t get what the big deal is because it’s just a piece of paper that changes nothing. She says she’s not even planning on being at graduation, anyway, because she’s going to be busy fighting The Mayor. Which makes me think that maybe, maaaaaaaybe, Buffy is having a little bit of that I-wish-I-could-be-like-normal-kids thing and is trying to convince herself that it doesn’t bother her. Xander has bad news for Buffy about her plan to skip the ceremony; Mayor Wilkins is their commencement speaker.

Buffy: “The Mayor at graduation? A hundred helpless kids to feed on. You got any other surprises for us?”

Buffy, no. Don’t say that shit before the credits.

We cut to an apartment that looks just like Giles’s apartment but shot from a different angle, where a nice guy named Professor Worth answers his door to find Faith there. He invites her in, pleased that The Mayor is interested in his research. Faith asks if they’re alone, then makes it clear that she’s going to kill the dude. He asks her why, and she tells him that she didn’t ask. We pan away and hear his pained death noises, then go to the credits.

When we rejoin our regularly scheduled program already in progress, The Mayor is tidying up Faith’s apartment while she tries on a dress he picked out for her to wear to his Ascension:

She doesn’t like it (didn’t see that coming), but The Mayor thinks she’s breathtaking.

The Mayor: “Any boys who manage to survive will be lining up to ask you out.”

You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that The Mayor–despite threatening to murder her and all, but hey, he’s a fucking monster, what are we expecting?–really loves and cherishes Faith. I believe that he genuinely wants good things to happen to her. And that breaks my heart because even if it’s meant from a place of love, he’s still manipulating her to gain her loyalty. Like, whether or not any of this is pure, paternal love for this abandoned child, she’s still being played like a fiddle. The only love she receives is compromised love. I know she’s evil, but I want to hug her. Fuck, I want to foster her and help her get her flipping G.E.D. and into college and shit. Because she could be a good person, no matter how irredeemable the show tries to make her.

Faith tells him that the dress really isn’t “her”:

The Mayor: “Not you? Lemme tell you something. Nobody knows who you are. Not even you, little miss seen-it-all. The Ascension isn’t just my day. It’s yours, too. Your day to blossom, show the world what a powerful girl you are. I think of what you’ve done, what I know you will do… No father could be prouder.”

Faith: “I hope I don’t let you down.”

The Mayor: “Impossible.”

This is honestly one of the coolest relationships in Buffy. How often do we see villains having healthy (I mean, as healthy as they could ever possibly be) relationships? It’s a concept I honestly would never have thought to explore. “These people are bad, so they’re not capable of love or family” is a really easy narrative trap to fall into. Which is one of the reasons I love this show so much. There were so many brilliant people writing the most amazing, unexplored perspectives.

Willow arrives at school, where Percy catches up with her to tell her how much she helped him as a student:

Percy: “Hey, listen. Thank you. I mean, for helping me. Being so patient. And, also, for not kicking my ass like you did at The Bronze.”

Willow: “You know, Percy, that was actually…for your own good.”

So, I guess Percy is finally going to graduate at age thirty-six.

Could they not find someone older for this role?

Percy announces that once he’s out of high school, he’s going to forget everything he learned, which bums Willow out. Oz tries to cheer her up by reminding her that Percy will probably die at graduation, anyway.

Xander is late to a very important class, where the teacher is sadistically passing time with a game of Hangman. While the game is happening in the background, Anya asks Xander to go on a date with her over the weekend. He turns her down, citing her tendency to tell grisly stories of vengeance during dates, at which point she offers to watch “sports” with him:

Anya: “Men like sports. I’m sure of it.”

Xander: “Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie. They eat of the beef and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that’s all you’ve learned?”

Hey. Hey, Xander. Xander.

Xander.

What you’re experiencing is exactly what women experience with men all the time.

But, as Anya points out, she’s trying to learn how to interact with humans, and Xander softens to her plight a little bit. He starts to tell her that if he lives through The Ascension, they can go out, but she gets this horrified face like, “Uh, what was that you mentioned?”

Cut to Buffy holding up a newspaper announcing the professor’s gruesome murder. We are at the beginning of my all-time favorite Buffy scene. I know, I know, I say that about every scene. But this scene involves Giles fencing with Wesley while reading the newspaper and easily blocking Wesley’s rapier without even looking.

It’s like I keep saying. Giles knows how to do all of this amazing shit and it just sort of happens without anyone commenting on it or it ever really being a plot point. Of course, Giles would be a master fencer. Why not? He can hotwire a car, demons owe him favors, he can conjure dark magic… Giles must have the most fascinating off-screen life.

Anyway, I finally get to use this meme:

You have no idea how long I have been aching to use this in a post. This used to be my desktop background, in the days when I actually closed programs.

By the way, I’m loving Giles in his casual Friday outfit all of a sudden. Warning, I’m about to talk about #2, so if you don’t like it, scroll to the next paragraph. Okay, notice how after he had his whole “For god’s sakes, man, have it at it,” speech in the last episode, he’s suddenly showing up to the library without the tweed and ties and suspenders. I can’t remember that happening before. This is definitely a move toward less-uptight, more mid-life crisis Giles as we see him in season four, but the timing of him abandoning the clothes Buffy poked fun at so often gives great head canon.

Okay, you’re safe now, guys. They realize right away that Faith killed the guy, and Giles suggests he’s tying up loose ends. After all, he’s planning to kill everyone in Sunnydale. Why did this guy have to go first?

Wesley: “Ah! By attempting to keep a valuable clue from us, The Mayor may have inadvertently led us right to it!”

Buffy: “What page are you on, Wes? Because we already got there.”

Wesley orders Buffy to go to the professor’s house to investigate like it’s his idea and Buffy wasn’t going to do that anyway. He tells her not to let her feelings about Faith override their main mission, which is stopping The Mayor. Giles, on the other hand, tells Buffy to remember that Faith has an advantage over her because Buffy has a moral code and Faith does not, and tells her to be careful. So, we’re seeing Giles sliding out of the Watcher role. Everything happening right now, in these two episodes? Is setting up the series through season five.

Xander shows up with Anya, who has lived through an Ascension. She tells them about her experience eight hundred years before. A sorcerer ascended and became a demon who destroyed an entire village, leaving like three survivors. As she struggles–and ultimately fails–to recount the horrors she’s seen, Wesley mansplains demons to her. To Anya. A demon. He tells her that the research he’s done suggests it won’t be that bad. I can’t believe he didn’t start out with “Well, actually.”:

Wesley: “Ahem, I’m sorry. Lohesh was a four-winged Soul Killer, am I right? I was given to understand that they’re not that fierce. Of allt he demons we’ve faced–”

Anya: “You’ve never seen a demon.”

Buffy: “Uh, excuse me. Killing them professionally four years running.”

Anya: “All the demons that walk the earth are tainted, are human hybrids like vampires. The Ascension means a human becomes pure demon. They’re different.”

God damn it. Why didn’t they use this more later in the series? This is bullshit. This was such a great world building concept and I didn’t even remember it existed because it’s never used again! They could have so done something awesome with this in Season 7 when they go into the Hell Mouth. I think they use it during the last season of Angel, hence the dragon.

Snyder shows The Mayor around the graduation preparations. While The Mayor is pretty confident that everyone will show up, Snyder is worried about troublemakers.

I think we know which troublemakers he’s referring to.

Anyway, The Mayor is quick to put Snyder’s mind at ease:

The Mayor: “You’ve done a great job here. I know things are, um, well, different here in Sunnydale. We’ve both seen all sorts of things. What’s important is that we keep it under control, and that’s what you’ve done.”

Snyder: “I believe in order.”

The Mayor: “Sunnydale owes you a debt. It will be repaid.”

All right. Let’s discuss Snyder’s Javert-like tendencies while we still can. Like the other high school stuff, Snyder’s storyline is wrapping up, and I want to make my case for #28 while I still can. Snyder believes in order. And The Mayor is right, Snyder has seen some shit. Shit that he knows is unnatural and shouldn’t be happening in the real world. Now, let’s think back to “Gingerbread,” and how Joyce and the rest of the weirdos in town lumped the Slayer in with the rest of the demonic creatures. We know that The Mayor has given Snyder a commendation before. So, it makes sense for Snyder to believe that Buffy is the bad guy and Snyder, the man who also values order, is one of the good guys. Why? Because order is good. Order is his belief. If things are orderly, things are right.

An interesting thing about Snyder as a character is that he doesn’t seem to see himself as the hero of his own story. He sees order as the hero, and he’s content to be the sidekick. What is The Mayor, the authority at the head of local government, if not a personification of order? When The Mayor says Sunnydale owes Snyder a debt, Snyder is reinforced in his belief. He’s done right. He’s fought the forces of chaos. And now he’ll be rewarded.

So, in summation, #28. Buffy and chaos are a package deal, so she’s as much a threat to order as any of the other monsters. Snyder is fighting on the side of right against yet another paranormal nuisance plaguing the disorderly town.

In the library, Willow is surprised to find everyone hanging with Anya. They explain that Anya is helping them with the Ascension mess. She doesn’t think The Mayor is ascending with the same demon that she saw centuries before. They’re trying to figure out which demon it could possibly be when the guy who would definitely know shows up.

RED A-FUCKING-LERT. THE MAYOR IS IN THE LIBRARY.

You guys. YOU GUYS. I feel beyond violated when this happens, even though I know it happens every time. I feel so unsafe. Like me, personally. I feel like The Mayor is going to get me. He is hours away from ascending and here he is, in the one place where we, the viewers, should feel safe. This is…ugh, this is such good writing. This is Joss Whedon at his best. I mean, there’s a reason he has a reputation for being a game changer. I’m not a huge fan in other respects, but credit where credit is most certainly god damn due.

So, The Mayor saunters in to make small talk. Giles gets up and puts himself directly between the teenagers and The Mayor. Well, I mean, as “directly” as one can in the blocking required for a television shot. More tellingly, he puts himself between Buffy and The Mayor. Quentin said the test from “Helpless” wasn’t just for Buffy, but for Giles because Watchers can’t become attached to their Slayers. This scene makes me wonder about Faith’s first Watcher being killed by Kakistos. Did she try to protect her Slayer by putting herself in the line of fire? How many Watchers die that way?

God, what I wouldn’t give for a spin-off from The Watchers’ Council’s POV.

Buffy sasses The Mayor, and The Mayor tells Giles:

The Mayor: “That’s one spunky little girl you’ve raised. I’m going to eat her.”

And Giles. Stabs. The Mayor.

He picks up the rapier from fencing before and stabs it directly into The Mayor’s chest. And he knows it’s not going to do anything. The Mayor is invulnerable. Also, he probably could kill Giles or something. But Giles doesn’t care because that crosses a line. He did not put up with these obnoxious teenagers for three years only to fail with freedom tantalizingly within his reach. You do not joke about that.

See that sweater? That is the sweater of a man who has already retired, friends. Like, he’s so not going to die three days from the end of this job, because he has already ended the job. He probably slept in those clothes. It’s a miracle that he shaved. Giles is done being the school librarian, and he will murder anyone who stands in his way.

The Mayor is offended by Giles’s behavior, but obviously otherwise unharmed.

The Mayor: “Whoa! Well, now that was a little thoughtless.”

He pulls the rapier out of his chest and admonishes Giles for setting a bad example in front of the kids.

The Mayor: “I smell fear. That’s smart. Some of your deaths will be quick, if that’s worth anything.”

The Mayor taunts them by saying they won’t want to miss his graduation speech as he leaves.

After the break, Anya is rushing out of the library. When Xander asks her where she’s going, she says:

Anya: “Anywhere. If there’s a lunar shuttle going up any time soon, I’m on it.”

She is not interested in sticking around to stop what she thinks is an unstoppable Ascension. Cordelia witnesses Anya storming off and asks Xander what’s going on.

Xander: “The Mayor’s going to kill us all during graduation.”

Anya: “Oh. Are you going to go to fifth period?”

Oh my god. That’s how #8 happens. People just get bored with apocalypses.

At the Summers house, Joyce comes home to find Buffy determinedly packing. She panics:

Joyce: “You’re running away again? And you’re taking my clothes?”

Buffy tells her mom to get out of town right away. Joyce protests that she’d miss Buffy’s graduation. Buffy tries to argue that the ceremony itself is pointless, but Joyce guesses correctly that there’s going to be a demon attack.

Joyce: “Oh, you know, Buffy…looking back at everything that’s happened, maybe I should have sent you to a different school.”

She insists that she’s not leaving town without Buffy because she’s not going to leave her daughter behind to fight a demon.

Buffy: “Mom, I know that sometimes you wish I were different.”

Joyce: “Buffy, no.”

Buffy: “I wish I could be a lot of things for you. A great student, a star athlete, remotely normal. I’m not. But there is something I do that I can do better than anybody else in the world. I’m gonna fight this thing. But I can’t do it and worry about you.”

She tells Joyce to trust her, but that she can’t stay without getting Buffy killed.

In Willow’s room, Willow and Oz are still researching magical solutions to the Ascension. In a surprising subversion of #15, Willow is in this scene with a computer, but she’s not the one using it. She’s reading books while Oz does the computer stuff.

Oz: “Nothing useful?”

Willow: “No, it’s great. If we wanna make ferns invisible or communicate with shrimp, I’ve got the goods right here.”

Oz: “Our lives are different than other people’s.”

Willow mopes that she’s not going to be able to stop the Ascension, and I’m suddenly on the fence about why I made #4 a thing. Because even though her magic was useless in saving Angel (and that’s really through no fault of her own), it is useful in the next episode, I’m pretty sure. And in “Chosen”. But she also says she can’t change Amy back into a person, and like…I guess I don’t get that since Amy said the spell out loud every time she did it. It seems like if you know the whole spell, you’d be able to research it and do it. So, maybe it’s that Willow isn’t great at practicing magic, but gets lucky most of the time? And it definitely causes way more problems than it ever solves.

Willow feels like Oz is being really flippant about the fact that they’re going to die in a day or so.

Oz: “Would it help you if I panicked?”

Willow: “Yes! It’d be swell! Panic is a thing people can share in times of crisis, and everything’s really scary now, you know? And I don’t know what’s gonna happen and there’s all sorts of things that you’re supposed to get to do after high school and I was really looking forward to doing them and now we’re probably just doing to die and I’d like to feel that maybe you would–”

Oz cuts her off by kissing her, and the slow clarinet sexy-time Buffy music plays. So, they’re gonna do it. And while I know the “cutting someone off when they’re mad by kissing them” trope is gross, I’m a sucker for it. I would hate if someone did that to me in real life, and if I don’t like a book or a movie or show and that happens in it, I’ll be like, “Oh, that is sickening. That’s so anti-feminist. That’s rape culture, right there!”, but I’ve written at least one scene like that and if it’s in something I like, I’m like, “Problematic? What problematic? I see no problematic.” Because everyone is a little hypocritical in their media consumption.

At the dead professor’s apartment, Buffy is going through his stuff when Angel literally stumbles in. Like, he Anastasia Rose Steel-Grey-Swans right through the god damn door. Giles sent him to check up on Buffy, fearing that she might run into Faith. Buffy sees this as an eventuality. She’s found out that the professor was doing research on volcanoes, but she can’t figure out how it would tie to the Ascension.

Angel tries to carry a box of stuff back to the library for Buffy, but she tells him she can get it. She doesn’t need him following her around. They get into a breakup fight wherein she accuses him of not caring or not taking it hard enough or whatever, and he calls her brat.

Buffy: “I just can’t do this anymore! I can’t have you in my life when I’m trying to move on–”

And then an arrow blasts right through his chest. He collapses to the ground and we pan up to Faith and a vampire hiding behind a neon sign atop a building.

Vampire: “Missed the heart.”

Faith: “Meant to.”

In the library, Giles is for some reason back in a shirt and tie and vest. Like…Giles, you’re doing the opposite of normal. Usually, you wear that stuff to work and change into the sweater/t-shirt combo when you get home. Why would he change his clothes in the middle of the day? Did they think I, Jenny Trout, hyper aware of Giles at every quiver-inducing moment he is on the screen, would not catch this seeming error in continuity?

Oh, right, Angel has been shot. Okay, so, Buffy pulls out the arrow and tends to his wound while Wesley studies the professor’s research. The professor found the carcass of some kind of undiscovered dinosaur buried in a volcano. Giles said it makes sense that The Mayor would want to keep that secret:

Giles: “If it’s the same kind of demon he’s turning into and it’s dead, then that means well, he’s only impervious to harm until the Ascension. In his demon form, he can be killed.”

I’m a little back and forth on this one. Because this is how it must be, from a narrative standpoint. If every sorcerer who Ascended were still alive in demon form, the world would have been destroyed long ago. But I wish they would have given us a little background as to why The Mayor is impervious. Is it part of the Ascension ritual itself? And if so, what’s the point of it not lasting? Or was that a side spell he was using to cover his ass? I really wish I knew these things.

Buffy says something snarky about lava and helps Angel to his feet. He’s unusually weak and collapses to the floor. He’s been poisoned by the arrow Faith shot him with. Giles says they should call the others and get them there, pronto, and Wesley tells Buffy that the Council has all known poisons on file, and he’ll call them to find out how to fix what’s happening to Angel.

You know. Angel. Who is sweating and shivering and taking shallow, labored breaths. (#20)

Meanwhile, Willow and Oz have done the do. They are fully consummated. And when the scene opens, it opens on Amy’s rat cage, partially covered by discarded clothes.

They had sex in front of Amy. And the show chose to make that clear. Um.

Moving on. They snuggle and talk about how everything is different, but the afterglow is interrupted by the phone ringing to summon them back to the land of monsters.

At City Hall, Faith tells The Mayor that she successfully took care of Angel, and asks what her next assignment is. The Mayor plans to eat a bunch of those spider things that ate the dude’s face off, but she doesn’t want to stick around for that. He assures Faith that there will be plenty to do during and after the Ascension, and she shares a story about how when she was a kid, she used to swim in a quarry and she was the only kid who ever jumped off the highest rock. I think this is supposed to be a moment, but it’s like, a weird moment? Is this her graduation nostalgia here? Because she knows that she basically loses The Mayor tomorrow when he’s transformed into a demon? Is she trying to make herself brave, not just for the fight, but for losing another person she loves? IDK. It just feels like it needs more.

At the school science lab, Willow has figured out the poison problem. She gives Xander a list of supplies and sends him to the magic store, but first, he bumps into Anya, who still hasn’t left town. She tells Xander to come with her because she’s developed feelings for him:

Anya: “You’re going to die if you stay here.”

Xander: “I might.”

Anya: “When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside. Like I might vomit.”

Xander: “Welcome to the world of romance.”

Anya: “It’s horrible! No wonder I used to get so much work.”

Xander says he can’t let his friends down, which Anya doesn’t really understand. So she tells him that she hopes he’ll die. Because as Xander puts it, her humanity is a work in progress.

At the mansion, Angel is still dying. Wesley shows up with the bad news: the Council won’t help. Which, you know. Every single person reading this recap or watching this episode could have told you, Wesley.

Giles: “Did you explain that these were special circumstances?”

Have…have you been watching this show, Giles? Obviously, the Council won’t budge on any of this:

Wesley: “We’re talking about laws that have existed longer than civilization.”

Buffy: “I’m talking about watching my lover die.”

Okay, first of all, “lover” is about the least authentic word for a teen character to use. Second, “laws that have existed longer than civilization?” Which civilization? And are we not counting the ancient tribe that created the Slayer as civilized? Is this #17? I’m not a sociologist or an anthropologist or whatever, but I just feel like an organization like the Council would only be able to exist within a civilization, not before it. I’m interested in your thoughts on this. I mean, I’m always interested in your thoughts, but I’m especially interested in this question.

Wesley: “The Council’s order are to concentrate on the Asc–”

Buffy: “Orders? I don’t think I’m gonna be taking anymore orders. Not from you, not from them.”

Wesley: “You can’t turn your back on the Council.”

Buffy: “They’re in England. I don’t think they can tell which way my back is facing.”

Wesley: “Giles, talk to her.”

Giles: “I have nothing to say right now.”

Buffy: “Wesley, go back to your council and tell them until the next Slayer comes along, they can close up shop. I’m not working for them anymore.”

Wesley tries to argue that, uh, this is exactly what The Mayor wants, for her to be distracted. And while I roll my eyes every time another person on Twitter says this or that news story is a distraction, in this fictional world I’m fully on board with Wesley here. Angel is once again proving himself a liability by just being around, and once again, Buffy is putting Angel’s life above the lives of basically everyone. That fact that Giles is backing her is absolutely perplexing to me because he takes the exact stance as Wesley in season five when he’s saying, you know, we might have to kill Dawn. So, I don’t know what’s going on here.

Wesley: “This is mutiny.”

Buffy: “I like to think of it as graduation.”

They said the name of the thing in the thing!

Buffy leaves to go check up on the magic cure progress, and Giles and Wesley have the meaningful Watcher stare down we all knew would happen eventually.

At the school. Willow tells Buffy that the poison is “Killer Of The Dead”, a poison specifically used on vampires. The problem is that there isn’t really much in the way of survivors. Oz finds something in a book: the only way to cure the poison is to drain the blood of a Slayer.

Buffy: “Angel needs to drain a Slayer, then I’ll bring him one.”

Willow: “Buffy, if Angel drains Faith’s blood, it’ll kill her.”

Buffy: “Not if she’s already dead.”

So, Buffy is prepared to kill to save Angel.

Look. I get it. Angel is dying. Faith is evil. But wasn’t killing humans the reason for the split between Buffy and Faith that caused Faith to turn to evil in the first place? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming Buffy for Faith choosing to be evil. That was on Faith. But the lack of support from the Scoobies and the overall tension between them was a huge factor, with the accidental death of The Mayor’s aid being the final nail in the coffin. Everyone was so shocked that Faith had killed a man by mistake, but now they–and the audience–are supposed to be chill with Buffy killing a human? This is a little too hypocritical for me, as a viewer, to stand behind. For me to be like, “Yes, kill her, absolutely, this is the one time where killing a human is okay,” I would have had to see Faith kill Alan in cold blood. I would have had to see her first murder as intentional and remorseless, regardless of the intentional and remorseless kills that followed.

Maybe they’re not chill about it. Xander is cautiously not-chill at the prospect of Buffy killing Faith, but not because of Faith:

Xander: “We’re talking ‘to the death.'”

Buffy: “I can’t play kid games anymore. This is how she wants it.”

Xander: “I just don’t want to lose you.”

Buffy: “I won’t get hurt.”

Xander: “That’s not what I mean.”

So, Xander is basically saying, “I don’t want this to change you,” which is something they all wanted for Faith in the wake of her accidental killing of Alan. So, at least one of the characters recognizes the hypocrisy here.

However, I dislike Buffy blaming Faith here. I’m not sure Faith is capable of coming up with a plan that goes, “Pick a vampire poison that can only be cured by the blood of the Slayer so she’ll have to come to me directly for our final showdown.” The plan was to distract Buffy. Also, I don’t think Faith did any research into the poison. The Mayor probably did, and maybe this was his end goal, to make the Slayers fight. He believes Faith could kill Buffy, so I don’t think he’s betting on her losing, especially now that Buffy and Co. have had a chance to kill Faith before and didn’t take it. But I don’t think Faith is the great tactical thinker, so much as the obedient order-taker.

We cut to a montage of Faith beating up on a punching bag, Buffy staring into a mirror, and Angel struggling to breathe. Willow finds the address for Faith’s apartment, and we cut there, to loud ’90s alternative rock and Faith reading a magazine on her bed in shoes and a leather jacket. So, ready for a fight, I guess. Or, just ready to look cool in the next scene. Buffy enters and turns off the music. Faith asks if Angel is dead yet, and Buffy tells him that Angel isn’t going to die.

Buffy: “Your plan?”

Faith: “Uh-huh. Mayor got me the poison. Said it was wicked painful.”

Buffy: “There’s a cure.”

Faith: “Damn. What is it?”

Buffy: “Your blood.”

So, since Faith didn’t know about the cure, I’m going to assume that her part of the plan was just the “kill Angel, render Buffy incapable of interfering with the Ascension,” not the elaborate one I found unbelievable. I guess I shouldn’t have doubted.

Faith tells Buffy that she can’t take her alive, and Buffy is like, that’s not a problem.

Faith: “Well, look at you. All dressed up in big sister’s clothes.”

This is a #21! In season four, Buffy has a dream where Faith visits and mentions that little sister is on the way or something, and then what happens in season five? Dawn shows up out of nowhere.

Now, prepare yourself, friends. Prepare yourself for an ultimate showdown that is gayer than the volleyball scene in Top Gun. It’s a Sapphic rumble in the Queerdome! Two bisexuals enter, one leaves! Well, I mean, technically they both leave, but there’s a clear winner.

Why, do you ask, do I find the swirling tension in this fight so homoerotic?

Buffy: “You told me I was just like you. But I was holding it in.”

Faith: “Ready to cut loose?”

Buffy: “Try me.”

Faith: “Okay, then. Give us a kiss.”

And then Buffy hits her. So, quick, viewer! Start equating the violence in this scene with sex, so when Faith delivers lines like:

Faith: “Not getting tired, are you? I’m just starting to feel it.”

You really get the whole effect.

Buffy and Faith (or, their obvious stunt doubles) crash through the window and on to the roof, where she handcuffs Faith to herself.

I’m just sayin’.

Angel is still dying, and in the library, Giles has discovered which demon The Mayor is going to turn into.

Xander: “Boy, it’s a good thing noone ever wanted to check any of these books out, huh?”

Giles: “Yes, it’s very convenient.”

Thank you for acknowledging this, show, as your audience has been screaming it silently since episode one.

The demon The Mayor is going to ascend with? to? what’s the grammar there? Anyway, his name is Olvikan. And the picture is so big, it folds out like a medieval centerfold.

Xander: “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

We cut to The Mayor, who is savoring every last disgusting spider creature while a vampire looks on, disgusted.

The Mayor: “My god, what a feeling. The power of these creatures suffuses my being. I can feel the changes being. My organs are shifting, merging, making ready for the Ascension. Plus, these babies are high in fiber, and what’s the fun in becoming an immortal demon if you’re not regular, am I right?”

A vampire bursts in to tell The Mayor that there’s trouble at Faith’s house, and The Mayor is immediately alarmed. So, he really does care about her safety. What an amazing and complex villain. I’m going to miss him next season.

Buffy and Faith continue to fight, now bound by handcuffs. Miraculously, they don’t break their wrists. Faith breaks the cuffs and grabs some kind of long rod to fight with, and Buffy pulls out Faith’s knife. They fight their way onto the roof’s ledge, and Buffy does what she came there to do:

Like, this moment, you guys. This moment takes my breath away every single time. This is such a pivotal moment in Buffy’s “what is the Slayer” arc that’s going to develop over the rest of the series. What is the Slayer? A killer? No, she rejects that. But she’s killed now. She’s killed a person (I mean, as far as she knows). So, what is she, if she’s supposed to protect humans, but she’s killed one?

Faith is absolutely astounded that Buffy had the balls to go through with murdering her. She actually seems like she admires her. But if Faith is going to die, she damn well isn’t going to lose while doing it:

Faith: “Still won’t help your boy, though. Should have been there, B. Quite a ride.”

Then Faith falls backward over the roof and into the back of a truck, which just keeps on driving. Driving, driving, driving that precious Slayer blood away from Buffy, who is powerless to watch her one chance to save Angel disappear into the night.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The Big Damn Writer Advice Column

It’s that time of the week when I answer your anonymous questions about writing and all that stuff connected to it. Every Thursday, I’ll be answering two questions from the Big Damn Writer Question Box.

Q: I know now being an author is your job, but before that how did you set aside time to write and feel good about it? Unless it’s NaNoWriMo I constantly feel guilty, because there’s always other work to do and part of me feels that that’s more important than writing.

A: So, when I started seriously writing, my son was four months old. He needed to be held all the time. Literally, he would not sleep unless I was sitting up in a chair, holding him just so. The only time I got to write was if he was napping in his swing, which wasn’t often. I was always exhausted because I wasn’t sleeping when he was (like everyone advises, but that’s such stupid and unpractical advice because when the hell else are you supposed to get anything done, anyway), and I had no brain power whatsoever. When I wrote, it was after the house was clean, the dinner was made, the errands were run, etc. It was the absolute last thing of importance on the list.

I would like to tell you that I had a flash of inspiration and realized that I should make writing more important. But more important than what? Feeding my kid? Not living in trash? Showering? That’s not the kind of stuff that people can skip, right? I barely wrote anything at all. But eventually, I did finish–and sell–my first novel, after like two years of struggling to get a couple hundred words a week. So, I say, rather than worrying that you’re not writing enough, concentrate instead on feeling good about the writing you do get done, rather than focusing on the writing you’re not getting done. This will hopefully make you feel more positive about your writing and therefore less guilty when you do work on it.

One other thing that might help is looking into the Pomodoro Technique. It’s a time management plan that concentrates on breaking work into small chunks of time. I use it to control my ADHD symptoms and keep me focused. You could easily break things down into “Okay, I’ve worked on this other stuff for twenty-five minutes, now I’m going to write on the break.” You’ve already done some of the work, so you’re not writing instead of doing the other work. You’re writing while you’re taking a break.

Also, I would advise that you not leave writing for the very last thing to do during the day. It’s easy to go, “I’m too tired. I’ll have less to do tomorrow, so I’ll work on it then.”

 

Q: Hi! What are your first steps when beginning to create a new novel and in what order do you usually do those steps? Such as creating all the characters, world building, plot outlines etc. English is not my first language so I’m very sorry if I made any grammatical mistakes.

A: So, for me (and this is just my process, everyone is a little different), if I’m starting a new book from scratch, I usually have an idea or a concept for what I want the book to be, already. Then, the first thing I start with is the characters. I have to know a general idea of who they are. They might not have names at that point, they might just be [hero] and [heroine] throughout my brainstorming, but I have to know that they’re, for example, a young woman who works at a fashion magazine. Important, broad details at that very beginning point. So, if my original concept was “office romance”, and I know my heroine is a young woman who works in a fashion magazine, I extrapolate that out to, “It’s in New York…she’s an assistant to the editor…” Is the hero her editor? I don’t know. Do I want them to already know each other? No, they need to meet for the first time, somehow…or maybe they knew each other in the past and having seen each other for a while…and then it snowballs from there while I jot down notes. I brainstorm the main story line, and supporting characters pop up as I’m thinking it through. Obviously, the heroine needs a wacky best friend, and the hero needs people around him, too. Maybe a glamorous ex and a best friend of his own. All of that goes into a chapter by chapter outline for me to loosely follow as I get started, but which I can deviate from when necessary.

Now, in the past I’ve written paranormal books, so imagine all of that, but along the way I’m also thinking up rules for magic creatures. “Okay, would this work better if vampires had two hearts? What problem could that cause along the way? What opportunities will I have to work with later?”

And that’s really all there is to it when I’m writing!

 

No bonus question this week while I’m swamped in prep for the upcoming release of The Sister!

Wanna see your questions get answered (or just wanna air a grievance?) Put it in the box!

 

The Big Damn Buffy Recap S03E20 “The Prom”

In every generation, there is a chosen one. She alone has a zit on the side of her head that just will not go away. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
All the monsters look like wieners.
If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
Angel is a dick.
Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
Science and technology are not to be trusted.
Mental illness is stigmatized.
Only Willow can use a computer.
Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
Oz is the Anti-Xander
Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
Smoking is evil.
Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.
How do these kids know all these outdated references, anyway?
Technology is used inconsistently as per its convenience in the script.
Sunnydale residents are no longer shocked by supernatural attacks.
Casual rape dismissal/victim blaming a-go-go
Snyder believes Buffy is a demon or other evil entity.
The Scoobies kind of help turn Jonathan into a bad guy.
This show caters to the straight/bi female gaze like whoa.
Sunnydale General is the worst hospital in the world.
Faith is hyper-sexualized needlessly.
Slut shame!
The Watchers have no fucking clue what they’re doing.
Vampire bites, even very brief ones, are 99.8% fatal.
Economic inequality is humorized and oversimplified.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it.

Season three is drawing to an end, but we need just one final monster-of-the-week to give us the personal closure necessary for the enormous milestone of our favorite characters graduating high school. Becuase they’re going to be too busy fighting evil at their actual graduation.

We open on Buffy sleeping while Angel watches her. Again, I ask: why is it creepy for Edward Cullen to watch Bella sleep, but not creepy for Angel to watch Buffy sleep? #LiveFreeAndTwiHard.

Buffy mentions that she might want to leave some stuff at Angel’s house for when she spends the night. And she assumes he’ll be taking her to the prom.

Buffy: “Lots of girls have older boyfriends. You’ll blend.”

Yeah, not so much. Because at this point in the series, David Boreanaz looks like he’s easily in his thirties. Clearly uncomfortable, Angel says it’s probably time for Buffy to go home. She argues that it’s still a while before sunrise and opens the curtains, immediately burning him with blinding sunlight.

So, Buffy is apparently planning on moving in with Angel post-graduation, and Angel is starting to realize that’s the plan, which he hasn’t really been let in on.

After the credits, Xander runs into Anya, the wish demon who’s been popping up occasionally to cause problems. Having been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty vengeance that endangered not just his friends but the entire dimension, he is understandably not real keen on Anya.

Xander: “So, now how did that work? Women would wish horrible things on their ex-boyfriends, you’d show up and make it happen.”

Anya: “That’s right. The power of the wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful.”

Xander: “Well, hey. Good luck with that. Hope it works out for you.”

Anya: “You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of this species and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.”

Xander: “Then why are you talking to me?”

Anya: “I don’t have a date for the prom.”

So, here’s a question: if Anya doesn’t like men, and she’s been around for a millennia…has she ever considered not dating them? I mean, you can’t change your sexuality, and if Anya is straight (we’ve only seen her in romantic relationships with dudes and I’m not sure we ever got a bi-vibe from her, but I could be misremembering) then it’s not like she can hook up with women on general principle, but there’s a really easy way to avoid romantic relationships with men. You just don’t have romantic relationships with men.

Anya explains that Xander is at fault for her humanity since it was Cordelia’s broken heart that caused her to make the wish that robbed Anya of her powers in the first place. She feels that since she’s now stuck with teen human emotions, it’s Xander’s duty to take her to prom. Plus, she’s caught him staring at her breasts before, so she knows he finds her attractive.

Xander: “Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.”

I call out a lot of casual sexism in this show when it’s directed toward women. Now, let’s talk about how male characters are treated. Xander is a horny teenage boy, but there was no reason that line needed to lump all men in with the behavior of horny teenage boys. The enduring myth that men just golly gee whiz can’t control their sexual urges is both unfair to men and the foundation of rape culture. (#6)

Xander, not having a date to the prom himself, relents. As he explains to the other Scoobies later, it’s either date the demon or his hand, and he chooses the demon. Willow is pretty convinced that Anya will end up killing him, but Buffy sees the bright side: they all have dates to the prom now. She’s super excited about her dress and how much fun she’s going to have with Angel.

Meanwhile, Angel finds Buffy’s notebook at his house, and it’s super embarrassing:

Hey, Angel? Do you think maybe you might be dating, you know…a teenager?

There’s a knock at the door, and surprisingly, it’s Joyce. She’s never been over to Angel’s house, and the shackles on the wall give her pause. She doesn’t make a lot of small talk; she tells him that she knows Buffy spent the night with him, and she’s worried about their relationship.

Joyce: “I don’t have to tell you that you and Buffy are from different worlds.”

Angel: “No.”

Joyce: “She’s had to deal with a lot. Grow up fast. Sometimes even I forget that she’s still just a girl.”

Angel admits that he’s been thinking more about their differences, especially now that Buffy intends to go to college in Sunnydale. Joyce tells him that Buffy can’t think clearly about him and things are going to get rough. It’s going to be up to him to do what’s best for Buffy:

Joyce: “I know you care about her. I just hope you care enough.”

Go. Joyce.

When I first watched this show, I was twenty-two and thinking, “That’s bullshit. No parent should interfere with their kid’s relationship!” Now, I’m thirty-seven and the parent of a teenager. I’m like, “Yes, Joyce. Finally, you are doing parenting right.” Because while we need to let our kids make their own mistakes, etc., we need to also know when to step in when things have gotten out of hand. For example, when our teen daughter is dating a vampire. And Joyce did this in the best way possible. She appealed to Angel as an adult, calmly and free from condescension. She made it clear that this isn’t about her or anything Angel has done in the past. It’s about Buffy, and Buffy’s future.

Some of you might disagree with me on this one, but I really feel like this is one time I have to give Joyce credit.

In the library, Buffy and Willow are discussing a short, shiny blue thing with fringe.

Giles: “What’s that, a demon?”

Buffy: “A prom dress that Wil was thinking of getting. Can’t you ever get your mind out of the Hellmouth?”

Giles is like, yeah, that would be great except for the fact that we’ve got that whole Ascension thing coming up. They briefly recap what’s been happening, with Willow stealing the pages and the fact that The Mayor is going to become a demon, and it’s done in a way that doesn’t feel like clunky, obvious exposition. Marti Noxon wrote this episode, and she does a damn good job catching up casual viewers in a way that won’t make regular viewers roll their eyes at this scene.

Wesley and Cordelia enter from the stacks and Wesley reminds them that they have no idea what kind of demon The Mayor is going to turn into. He says they shouldn’t be worrying about a school dance when they’ve got more important things to do, but after Cordelia says he would look like James Bond in a tux, Wesley announces he’ll be chaperoning the dance with Giles.

Hold on. In what capacity is Wesley going to chaperone this dance? We still haven’t found out what his cover is for being at the high school at all. Now, he’s just going to show up at a school function like part of the staff? In what…how…wait…

You know what? No. This is yet another case of the good people of Sunnydale not doing enough to protect themselves and their children. #8, my friends. #8.

Buffy mentions that Willow should go to a particular store to look for a dress, and Cordelia quickly objects, using the excuse that she shops there. So, clearly it’s the store where she works, and she doesn’t want the other Scoobies to know she has a job.

Xander: “I myself am dipping into my hard-earned road trip fund to procur a shiny new tux, so look for me to dazzle.”

Giles: “And I shall be wearing pink taffeta, as chenille will not go with my complexion. Can we please talk about the Ascension?”

Buffy tells Giles that they all understand how serious this is, but since they stand a pretty good chance of dying at their graduation ceremony, they deserve at least one night of normal high school experience.

Cut to a shitty looking house and a creepy humanoid dog thing slathering and biting at its cage. So…that’s probably going to come up later. But we cut to a cathedral, where Buffy and Angel stand in front of a priest in wedding attire. They exchange rings, kiss, and walk out together into the sunlight, where Buffy promptly burns to death. Angel wakes from his nightmare, we go to commercial, and I’m like, “Okay, so, did Buffy come over, or is this going to be an interfaith household? Because I don’t remember her being Catholic.” Jenny Trout, always focused on the important details.

That night, they’re patrolling in a sewer when Buffy once again brings up the prom, and once again, Angel shuts her down. I know how you feel, Buffy. When I was a senior in high school, my boyfriend was a guy in college. And boy howdy, he was not into the idea of taking me to prom. Why? Because he was a fucking adult. Once I was twenty-one, I was also like, “Uh, yeah, I can see why he wouldn’t want to go.

I took one of my theater friends instead. He was also in his twenties. He told everyone he was my married lover. Best prom ever.

Here’s a picture.

Anyway, Buffy is starting to notice that Angel isn’t as geeked for the prom as she is:

Buffy: “Every time I say the word ‘prom’ you get grouchy.”

Angel: “I’m sorry. I’m just worried that you’re getting too invested in this whole thing.”

Buffy: “What whole thing? Isn’t this the stuff that I’m supposed to get invested in? Going to a formal? Graduating, growing up?”

Yeah, Angel. All that stuff Joyce mentioned when she came to see you. Angel uses the dreaded “we need to talk,” and after Buffy tells him to just spit it out, he drops this bombshell:

Angel: “I’ve been thinking about our future. And the more I do, the more I feel like us, you and me being together…is unfair to you.”

Buffy asks if Angel was shaken by what The Mayor said, and reminds him that The Mayor is a bad guy. But Angel thinks he was right. Buffy deserves a life that he can’t give her:

Angel: “You deserve more. You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. I mean, you should be with someone who can take you into the light. Someone who can make love to you.”

Buffy: “I don’t care about that.”

Angel: “You will. And children.”

Buffy: “Children? Can you say ‘jumping the gun’? I killed my goldfish.”

Angel: “Today. But you have no idea how fast it goes, Buffy. Before you know it, you’ll want it all. A normal life.”

Buffy: “I’ll never have a normal life.”

Angel: “Right. You’ll always be a Slayer. But that’s all the more reason you should have a real relationship, instead of this. This freakshow.”

Okay, we need to discuss something here. While I wholeheartedly support Angel and Buffy breaking up because I do not care for their relationship, Angel is making a lot of assumptions here that aren’t his to make. For example, his insistence that Buffy will have to have sex and children to be fulfilled. People walk around not having sex or children all the time and being okay with it. I also take issue with the idea that Buffy could have “a normal life” or even a future. Angel knows just as well as Buffy that her days are numbered; Slayers are not known for their longevity. If Angel wants to cut and run, fine, but presenting this as “I know better than you” is, well…pretty dickish (#9)

So, how do I think Angel should break up with her? Glad you asked. “I am a couple centuries older than you, and the age difference is becoming more pointed with every milestone you reach in your life. This isn’t something we can overcome, so despite loving you, I feel we need to end things.” Because that’s really what’s happening. Put that way, it doesn’t belittle Buffy or make assumptions about her life. Yes, I realize it’s not as fraught with drama, but damnit, Buffy deserves better, and the audience deserves better; basing the demise of their relationship on the certainty that Buffy will want children and white picket fence is a prime example of #6. And Buffy agrees.

Buffy: “Who are you to tell me what’s right for me? You think I haven’t thought about this?”

Angel: “Have you? Rationally?”

Buffy: “No. No, of course not. I’m just some swoony little school girl, right?”

This would be awesome if the show didn’t continue pushing the “Angel is right because Buffy really does need to have kids someday,” angle.

Angel tells Buffy that he’s thinking with his head instead of his heart, and she opens fire:

Buffy: “Heart? You have a heart? It isn’t even beating!”

Daaaaamn, Buffy. At least you’re not as awful as Hoyt Fortenberry, though. That’s a relief.

Buffy tells Angel that she’s never going to be able to stop loving him:

Buffy: “I want my life to be with you.”

Angel: “I don’t.”

Daaaaaamn, Angel.

Buffy is like, “I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me,” and I’m mentally adding, “in a sewer.” Angel tells Buffy that after the Ascension, he’s taking off. If they live. If they don’t, he won’t have to come up with a deposit on an apartment, so that would be a plus.

Later that night, Buffy is sitting in her window, which looks uncomfortable as hell, while Angel gazes broodingly into a fire. The next day, Buffy tells Willow what happened, and Willow is outraged that he dumped Buffy right before the prom. Buffy says she thinks Angel is right, and Willow agrees. Because that’s Joss™ brand feminism. Women can be strong, just so long as they recognize that a man is right about everything. Buffy cries hard and tells Willow that she feels like she can’t breathe, and this is like, way before that Jordin Sparks song came out.

Meanwhile, that creepy humanoid dog thing escapes its pen. So…that’s going on. Maybe somebody should deal with that?

Xander sees Cordelia at the shop where she secretly works. So obviously, he has to go in and make fun of her. He sees her holding up the beautiful dress she was looking at last time and makes a crack about her apparent indecision. That’s when a saleslady named Rhonda (I can tell from her name tag) approaches.

Rhonda: “Is this a customer or a friend?”

Xander: “Neither. Just stopped by for my daily helping of bile.”

Rhonda: “So, you better get back to work and quit goofing. Mrs. Finkle so has it in for you.”

Humiliated, Cordelia has to explain to Xander:

Cordelia: “I’m trying to buy a dress.”

Xander: “But don’t you already have all the dresses?”

Cordelia: “I have nothing, okay? No dresses, no cell phone, no car. Everything has been taken away because daddy made a little mistake on his taxes…for the last twelve years. Satisfied? Are you a happy Xander now? I’m broke. I can’t go to any of the colleges that accepted me, and I can’t stay home because we no longer have one.”

But you know what? Xander isn’t going to say shit. Because he’s poor, too. And deep down, there are limits to where even he will not sink to hurt Cordelia.

Hey, remember that humanoid dog thing? Yeah, that’s still loose.

It crashes through the window of the boutique, and Xander pushes Cordy out of the way to take it on himself. The thing starts to attack him, but then it sees a dude in a tux and goes after him. And like, really goes to town shredding this dude while Cordelia and Xander look on in horror. It checks out the sales ladies, then runs out.

Hey…why was there a guy in a tux in a boutique full of women’s clothing? I guess I’m supposed to assume that they also rent tuxes? But they aren’t in any of the shots of the store.

Anyway, back at the library, the Scoobies watch the security camera footage of the attack, which also doesn’t show any tuxes.

Cordelia: “You know the part that really weirded me out? That thing had good taste. I mean, it chucked Xander and went right for the formal wear.”

How many times now has Cordy found the clue before everyone else? I wish I would have kept track of that. Her superficiality is like a superpower.

Buffy doesn’t want to watch the tape again because she’s pretty sure she has the details. But she says it in this super sad way that makes me maybe think that she’s not as upset about the guy in the tux getting mauled as she is about seeing a guy in a tux when she doesn’t have a date for the prom. Is that wrong of me to assume she would be so shallow?

Wesley and Giles explain that the creature is a Hell Hound, and I’m really disappointed. I thought a Hell Hound would look…I don’t know. Less like a dude in a plastic suit from Spirit Halloween.

Cordelia notices something on the screen:

Cordelia: “Look! Right there! Zoom in on that!”

Xander: “It’s a video tape.”

Cordelia: “So? They do it on television all the time.”

Xander: “Not with a regular VCR, they don’t.”

Annoyed by the bickering, Wesley wants to get to the very important issue at hand:

Wesley: “What were you doing with Xander?”

Cordelia: “What? Um. I was–”

Xander: “Burning a hole in daddy’s wallet as usual. I just bumped into her during my tuxedo hunt.”

Good job, Xander. This is where you start transforming into a class act.

Oz also sees something on the tape:

Oz: “What’s that? Pause it.”

Xander: “Guys, it’s just a normal VCR, it doesn’t…oh wait, uh, it can do pause.”

I really love the way Marti Noxon writes Xander.

Oz spotted a guy outside the store, and they recognize him as Tucker Wells, another student at the school. They figure he’s behind the Hell Hound thing, and that’s enough probable cause for Willow to hack into his email. She finds a very anti-social message about Sunnydale students dying on their big night, which Giles puts together with the formal wear thing.

Cordelia: “Oh. Are we all catching up now?”

Cordelia, you’re a genuine treasure and I am going to miss you after this season.

The kids are pretty down about missing the prom, which is later that night. Willow wonders aloud if she can take her dress back.

Buffy: “Don’t you dare.”

Willow: “But Tucker’s gonna–”

Buffy: “No. You guys are gonna have a prom. The kind of prom that everyone should have. I’m gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every single person on the face of the Earth to do it.”

Xander: “Yay?”

After the break, Buffy starts handing out assignments. She sends Willow and Oz to find the recipient of the threatening email, and Wesley and Cordelia to Tucker’s home, and Xander to the magic shop. Buffy checks out the slaughterhouse because Giles said Hell Hounds eat brains. So, Tucker was getting brains from somewhere to feed them.

The guy at the slaughterhouse confirms that a weird kid comes in buying brains a lot. He gives Buffy the address the weirdo left (why would a slaughterhouse need your address to sell you offal?) and Buffy’s about to leave when she spots Angel there, doing a blood pickup.

Don’t you hate it when you run into your ex in the last place you’d expect to see them?

Let’s talk about this slaughterhouse for a minute. I want to know why their customers need to provide their addresses to buy brains. I also want to know if they’re acknowledging the vampire problem in Sunnydale when they’re selling those bags of blood to regular customers like Angel, or if they pretend people just really love blood for no reason? This could either be #8 or a business keeping valued customers happy. That’s actually a spin-off I’d watch. Just a series about the businesses in Sunnydale that acknowledge the reality of their town and what they do to service the demon demographic of their community.

Anyway, Buffy and Angel have an awkward conversation in which he tells her that he misses her.

Buffy: “Can we not, please? When I think about us I have this tendency to sort of go catatonic and I really can’t afford to do that now. I’ve gotta stop a crazy from pulling a Carrie at the prom.”

Wait, if she didn’t have the world to save, she would give in to her broken heart and wallow in her misery? That sounds super familiar. I feel like a girl who wasn’t mandated by fate to save the world over and over again once did that in a vampire story and everyone said she was weak and harmful to girls for having those emotions. Huh.

Angel asks Buffy if she’s still going to the prom, and she tells him she’s going to go, sans date.

Buffy: “I’m over the whole ‘Buffy gets one perfect high school moment’ moment thing.”

Angel offers to help, and Buffy is like, nah. Which makes sense from a tactical standpoint. We’ve seen how south things can go from the instant Angel gets involved.

At the boutique, Cordelia is about to leave for the night when saleslady Rhonda reminds her to take her dress. Sadly, Cordelia hasn’t been able to pay for it. Rhonda tells her that it’s paid for, and when Cordelia checks the tag, she’s shocked speechless. I think we all know who paid for the dress. And I think we are all thankful to him for doing so. I’ve never wanted to hug Xander more.

Buffy goes back to the library, where the Scoobies are bummed because they haven’t–

Wait second.

How was Cordelia at work for her shift when we just saw her leave the library to go somewhere else with Wesley?

Anyway, Buffy tells the Scoobies that prom is starting soon, so they should go get ready. When they protest, she insists that she’s going to take care of the Hell Hounds herself, and she puts on scary Slayer tone to remind them that it’s either go to the prom or get their asses handed to them by their supernatural buddy.

Once they leave, Giles has his say in the matter. Which is nice, because Giles doesn’t really get to do much this episode other than stand in the background apparently nursing the same cup of coffee for two full days. He tells Buffy that just having an address doesn’t mean the hard part was over. Buffy’s like, sure, go crush their dreams, that’ll be fun, and Giles guesses that Angel isn’t taking Buffy to the prom. She tells Giles that Angel is breaking up with her and leaving town, and Giles legitimately sighs in relief. I’m not kidding. You can watch the scene yourself, and he looks like he’s thankful he didn’t give in to his first impulse to shout “Thank you, Jesus Christ, our heavenly Lord!” or something. I’m chalking this up to a combo of developing #2 and his generally un-positive feelings about Buffy being in a relationship that was not only ultimately doomed, but with a dude who murdered Giles’s girlfriend and tortured him for like, days. Which, by the way, is fully understandable.

Giles: “I don’t really know what to say. Um, I understand that, um, this sort of thing requires ice cream of some kind.”

Buffy is like, save the prom first, ice cream later, and Giles asks if she’s sure. Uh…I don’t want to tell you how to run your Watcher business here, but I think telling the Slayer that saving a whole gym full of people from a brain eating dog is optional is probably not in the handbook. Luckily, Buffy knows it’s not optional and heads off to deal with some devil dog.

At the prom, students are dancing to Fatboy Slim’s “Praise You” to remind us of everything that was the absolute fucking worst about the late ’90s. Anya regales Xander with endless anecdotes about vengeance she’s inflicted on various guys, while Wesley and Giles reminisce about their school days. And then Cordelia arrives looking like a literal goddess and Wesley almost chokes to death perving out about her. But I mean, in this case, I can’t even blame him, and I remind myself that Charisma Carpenter was only pretending to be a high school student in this scene because god and full time damn:

Willow and Oz arrive:

Willow: “Maybe we should dance before we get beseiged, bedeviled, or beheaded or something.”

Oz: “Not gonna happen.”

Willow: “You’re not even a little nervous?”

Oz: “Do you think Buffy’s gonna let us down?”

My heart. My heart, guys.

Xander and Anya run into Cordelia and Wesley, and Cordelia thanks him for the dress without saying explicitly, “Thank you for the dress.”

Xander: “It looks good on you.”

Cordelia: “Well, duh!”

They smile at each other in a moment of true reconciliation for the past and closure on their relationship for us as an audience. They aren’t going to get back together, but they’re not going to part ways hating each other as much as they did before. Also important to note? The only money Xander has is the money he was saving for his post-high school road trip, and he sacrificed some of that to make Cordelia happy with no expectation of a return on his investment.

My heart.

Buffy finds Tucker and his Hell Hound in a secret basement lair where Tucker has been using ’80s prom movies to brainwash the dog. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if he used Footloose and then the Hell Hound got to the prom and saw everyone dancing, so he didn’t attack, and then he just went ate Jon Lithgow’s brain instead?

Buffy makes the mistake of asking Tucker why he wants to ruin prom. He says he has his reasons, and we flashback to Sunnydale High at an earlier point in time:

Tucker: “You wanna go to the prom with me?”

Girl: “No.”

Dude gets turned down by a chick, so he plans to murder everyone at school. That’s some ripped-from-the-headlines-basically-every-week shit.

Hey, do you guys think this dude looks like Anthony Perkins?

Buffy ties him up and tells him she’s going to go enjoy the prom, but then she finds a whole room of empty dog crates. Tucker tells her that three Hell Hounds are on their way to prom right a damn way.

After the commercial, Buffy finds the Hell Hounds outside of Sunnydale High. She shoots one with a crossbow, and when it falls, the other two chase her, allowing her to draw them away from their intended destination. But then they hear the sound of music and happiness and abandon their pursuit. She manages to subdue them right outside the doors to the gym, in front of a terrified prom goer. While everyone parties, she carries the dog corpses into some bushes, then pulls her prom dress out of her weapons bag.

Buffy enters the prom looking killer and definitely not like she was just wrestling with mutant demon dogs:

And Giles sees her and he’s like:

because that means the Hell Hounds are defeated and she gets to go to the prom after all. Because in this moment, Giles is all of us.

And also, I just really wanted an excuse to put a picture of Giles in a tux in this post.

Buffy finds Willow and Oz, who tell her everything is perfect. We fade to later when the prom committee is doling out class superlatives. Buffy isn’t popular or noteworthy enough to have to be concerned with this part, so she’s just getting herself some punch, when:

Jonathan: “We have one more award to give out. Is Buffy Summers here tonight?”

Everyone looks around in confusion, including Buffy.

Jonathan: “This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots and, um, well the prom committee asked me to read this. ‘We’re not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you. But that doesn’t mean we haven’t noticed you. We don’t talk about it much, but it’s no secret that Sunnydale High isn’t really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here.”

Voice In Crowd: “Zombies!”

Another voice: “Hyena people!”

Yet another: “Snyder!”

Jonathan: “‘But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up to stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We’re proud to say that the class of ’99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history. And we know at least part of that is because of you.’ So, the senior class offers its thanks and gives you a…this:”

Jonathan holds up a sparkly umbrella.

Jonathan: “And it has written here, ‘Buffy Summers: Class Protector.”

The score swells as Buffy walks through the crowd of her wildly applauding peers. And she looks like this:

And I look like this:

I cry for a while, then return to writing this recap.

The prom goes on, and everyone is having a good time. Except for Wesley, who’s on the fence about asking Cordelia to dance. He tries to ask Giles’s advice:

Giles: “For god’s sake, man, she’s eighteen. And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about–”

Then, he abruptly cuts himself off and gets up to go…see Buffy.

I’m gonna spare you all my headcanon here. You know what it is. But what I will say is that it’s pretty fucking odd that Giles would tell Wesley, yeah, go “have at” that student, guy who is here at this high school in an official capacity. I’m sure it will be okay. Is Giles trying to get Wesley banned from school grounds or arrested or something? Because it’s not going to happen. They were already letting this dude just kind of lurk around with no regard for student safety.

P.S., here’s another picture of Giles in a tux:

Anyway, Giles tells Buffy that she did a good job saving the prom, and he expresses his surprise that the students of Sunnydale were actually grateful for her help.

Buffy: “Every now and then, people surprise you.”

Giles: “Every now and then.”

Giles has spotted Angel, who has come to the prom to sink the S.S. Giffy, which is a name I think not many people actually use for the Buffy/Giles ship. But it’s worth it to note that this exact scene, this exact scene, is the port from whence the Buffy/Giles ship set sail.

So, Angel has shown up to dance with Buffy at her prom, which, ship stuff aside, I’m not a big fan of. It makes me sad because Angel is still leaving. He’s there to be thoughtful, and I give full credit to him for that, because he’s trying to show Buffy that he really does care about her. But she was having an up night, and we were seeing a moment that was all about Buffy. Now, it’s a night about Angel, and it kind of narratively overshadows the part that made me cry. I wish the episode would have just ended there.

“The Prom” is definitely on my list of favorite Buffy episodes. Not just because it was the origin of what is perhaps the most controversial and divisive of all Buffy ships (Spawn running a close second), but because Buffy finally got to have that one perfect high school moment she dreamed of. That she deserved. And that we in the audience deserved to share with her. We also got to see Xander and Cordelia’s enmity come to a satisfying conclusion, and Xander is now cast in a whole new light and ready to move in a more mature direction. The rest of the Sunnydale High students are, too. And that’s going to be important when Graduation day rolls around…

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!

True Blood Tuesday S04E10 “Burning Down The House”

Here’s the file, and you know what to do, folks! That’s right, hit play right after the HBO sound/logo fades.

The Big Damn Writer Advice Column

It’s that time of the week when I answer your anonymous questions about writing and all that stuff connected to it. Every Thursday, I’ll be answering two questions from the Big Damn Writer Question Box.

Q: My weekly writing goal is 2,500 words. I just came across a romance author who stated in an interview that her weekly writing goal is 15-25K words. Aaand now, I’m curious. If a 50K-55K novel can be produced anywhere between two to four weeks, wouldn’t that mean that an author would be coming out with something like at least twelve books a year? Does anyone do this? 

A: Here’s my answer, and it’s not going to be popular with some writers I know. But that’s just how it’s going to be. Yes, you can absolutely write a fifty thousand word novel in two weeks and yes, you can get twelve books out a year. All you really have to do is write five thousand words a day for ten days, and that’s not an impossible goal. But I don’t have a super high outlook with regards to the quality of such a book.

I know I’ve told this story before, but at a conference once, an author on a panel was asked how long it took her to write a book, from idea to publication. She said idea to publication, ten days. Ten. It takes her seven days to write it, a day to self-edit, and then a couple days to format it and set up sales channels, etc. She skips having someone else edit her work because it slows down the process, which makes her readers unhappy. They want as much new material as she can write, as fast as possible, and since they loved her books, there can’t be much wrong with them, right? It’s this story that made me absolutely skeptical of the quality of work authors with monthly or bi-monthly releases because the timeline doesn’t allow for another human being to put their eyeballs on their work. So, yes, technically this can be done. Whether or not it should be done is entirely subjective.

That said, there are some authors who’ll have twelve releases in a year, but it’s because they just acquired the rights to their backlist and they’re self-pubbing them, but that’s a whole different thing.

 

Q: Hi, Jenny. How do you deal with trouble writing the beginning of a story? I have a work I’m stuck on where I keep feeling the need to redraft the opening chapter. I do have a broad outline for the chapter, but whenever I try to write it, I can’t find a flow that feels right. Any tips?

A: Remove chapter one from your file. Save it somewhere else, separately, so you don’t see it when you open the document. Keep going forward. When you finished the whole story, go back to the beginning. Now that you know how everything else feels, you’ll be able to write the first chapter to the flow of the story, rather than trying to invent the flow of the story as you write the first chapter.

 

Bonus Question: Can you do a fantasy casting for the Boss series? 

A: Indeed, I have done that in the past on my Tumblr. You’ll find the fantasy cast here.

 

Wanna see your questions get answered (or just wanna air a grievance?) Put it in the box!

Let’s Make A Waffle (Cuppa Cuppa Cuppa edition)

True Blood Tuesday S04E9 “Let’s Get Out Of Here”

I continue to complain about the same things over and over.

The file is here, hit play when the HBO sound and logo fade and it you should be approximately synched.

You got this. I believe in you.

Balloon Animals: An Interlude

FADE IN

INT. BEDROOM, DAY.

JENNY TROUT lounges on her bed, pondering all the vast scope of the cosmos within. Also, she’s recently smoked marijuana. Her husband, MR. JEN, sits annoyedly beside her, trying to watch a television show.

JENNY

You know what would be an amazing job? If you could make those balloon animals.

Mr. Jen doesn’t not answer or acknowledge her.

JENNY

Just think about it. That business is all profit. You can buy a bag of those balloons for like, a dollar. Then you sell, what, you make swords and flowers? And you go, okay, this sword is two-fifty. Or two dollars. You sell just one and that’s it. It’s pure profit from one sword or whatever. There’s practically no overhead. All you have you have to do is learn to make those balloon swords and animals.

Mr. Jen sighs heavily. The volume of the television rises, not subtly.

JENNY

There’s no overhead. I would do that.

MR. JEN

You’re terrified of balloons.

JENNY

If I wasn’t afraid of balloons. I would do it if I wasn’t afraid of balloons.

During a lengthy pause in the conversation, Mr. Jen visibly relaxes, trying to enjoy his show.

JENNY

There’s no overhead.

Mr. Jen has finally had it.

MR. JEN

There’s your time! You’re losing your time!

JENNY

Right, but that’s any job. And you’d be making ninety percent profit.

MR. JEN

Except for the alcohol.

JENNY

What alcohol?

MR. JEN

All the alcohol I’d have to drink to cope with that fact that your job is selling balloon animals!

[FADE OUT]

THE END

What In The Whovian Hell?!

On Sunday, Jodie Whittaker was announced as the next Doctor Who (and yes, I can say “the next Doctor Who” because he was called “Doctor Who” in the credits through Tom Baker’s run at least), and I wanted to capture my daughter, Wednesday, reacting to the news. I posted the video on Twitter, and it went viral. Because I’ve now licensed it through a media company (because my phone was ringing nonstop and the requests from media outlets were overwhelming me), I’m not sure I can even share it here without paying for it, but you can see her reaction in this clip from BBC Breakfast. She’s the one screaming “The new Doctor is a girl!”:

Anyway, since then, my twitter has exploded. As of right now, the original tweet has been favorited 72,000 times and retweeted 20,000 times. I just did a live interview on BBC radio. This has blown up wildly.

Because of that, there are probably some people just now finding this blog through various channels, and you’re likely looking for Doctor Who related stuff. So, here is a list of Doctor Who posts I’ve made in the past:

Peter Capaldi wishing me a happy birthday
My 20th Who-nniversary
Motivational Doctors pt. 1
Motivational Doctors pt. 2
My American Girl doll gets a Doctor Who cosplay costume to match mine.
My cousin D-Rock and I take a Doctor Who survey

Maybe start with the 20th Who-nniversary post and go from there? I don’t know, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life.

Anyway, it’s been a whirlwind of commotion over here. If you found me because of the video, awesome, welcome! Poke around at things. I say occasionally funny stuff that you might enjoy. Or, consider trying one of the many books I’ve written, located in the “Read Jenny’s Books” link above.

Twitter: Dedicated To Protecting Hate Groups

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I use the platform the way most people use oxygen. I love getting on there, meeting new people, and starting massive fights with them. But I have a bit of freedom where mouthing off to strangers is concerned. I have a verified account, and that little blue checkmark seems to serve as something of a shield. Despite some of the truly awful things I’ve said to people (and non-people, e.g. white supremacists, MRAs, and the current President of the United States), I’ve never received so much as a twenty-four hour ban. And when I report people, it seems like they’re found in violation of TOS more often than not.

That’s not the case for people like my friend Scarlett Parrish, who recently received a week-long suspension for…

Hurting a Nazi’s feelings.

In an email to me early this morning (which she gave me permission to publicize), Scarlett said:

The other night I tried to sign in and was met with the block screen, telling me my account was limited. I expected it to be another 24-hour “only followers can see your tweets” thing, so clicked ‘continue’ and was met with a message saying my account had been shut down for seven days due to violation of their terms of service. They wanted me to delete a tweet before being able to proceed to my DMs and I’d be unable to tweet, retweet or like for another seven days. All I can do is send and receive DMs. I can’t even adjust my profile for matters of privacy, remove my location and birthdate, that kind of thing.

The tweet they wanted me to delete was in response to an anti-Semite with 34 followers, whose timeline is full of bile against Jews. (They’re taking over Hollywood, they want all our money, the usual racism.) The ‘offensive’ tweet, word for word, was “No wonder your previous account was suspended, you goatfelching ratbastard.”

Before anyone asks, yes, Scarlett is Scottish. She takes pride in the Scottishness of her insults, and this one was fairly mild in comparison to her usual material. She was coarse, she was confrontational, but was she technically in violation of Twitter’s TOS on abuse? Let’s take a look:

“We believe in freedom of expression and in speaking truth to power, but that means little as an underlying philosophy if voices are silenced because people are afraid to speak up. In order to ensure that people feel safe expressing diverse opinions and beliefs, we do not tolerate behavior that crosses the line into abuse, including behavior that harasses, intimidates, or uses fear to silence another user’s voice.

Any accounts and related accounts engaging in the activities specified below may be temporarily locked and/or subject to permanent suspension.

Violent threats (direct or indirect): You may not make threats of violence or promote violence, including threatening or promoting terrorism.
Harassment: You may not incite or engage in the targeted abuse or harassment of others. Some of the factors that we may consider when evaluating abusive behavior include:

if a primary purpose of the reported account is to harass or send abusive messages to others;
if the reported behavior is one-sided or includes threats;
if the reported account is inciting others to harass another account; and
if the reported account is sending harassing messages to an account from multiple accounts.


Hateful conduct: You may not promote violence against or directly attack or threaten other people on the basis of race, ethnicity, national origin, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, religious affiliation, age, disability, or disease. We also do not allow accounts whose primary purpose is inciting harm towards others on the basis of these categories.
Multiple account abuse: Creating multiple accounts with overlapping uses or in order to evade the temporary or permanent suspension of a separate account is not allowed.
Private information: You may not publish or post other people’s private and confidential information, such as credit card numbers, street address, or Social Security/National Identity numbers, without their express authorization and permission. In addition, you may not post intimate photos or videos that were taken or distributed without the subject’s consent. Read more about our private information policy here.
Impersonation: You may not impersonate others through the Twitter service in a manner that is intended to or does mislead, confuse, or deceive others. Read more about our impersonation policy here.”

Scarlett Parrish wasn’t making violent threats. The primary purpose of her account isn’t to target or abuse others (the account that reported her, however, is dedicated to spewing antisemitism). The behavior was not “one-sided” and she didn’t incite others to harass the self-professed Nazi. There were no multiple accounts, she didn’t dox or impersonate anyone. But she violated the rules because she somehow made a person who self-identifies as a Nazi to feel silenced.

Keeping the above rules in mind, Scarlett also writes:

I asked Twitter why they did nothing about the guy who tweeted me 40 times in a row to call me a cunt, to say my books were written by a cunt, everyone knows I’m a cunt…and nothing. Why did they do nothing about the guy who threatened to rape me? Nothing. Why did they do nothing about the guy who tried to track down my address and dox me? Nothing.

At the time when I reported those guys, all Twitter said was “The reported accounts do not violate our terms of service,” and said if I was so offended, “We advise you block these accounts.”

Twitter Support can’t explain why tweeting at a woman forty times in one day to call her a cunt isn’t “targeted abuse or harassment.” They can’t explain why threatening to rape a woman isn’t included under, “You may not make threats of violence.” And of course, trying to dox someone doesn’t count as intimidation in an effort silence someone, despite Twitter giving doxing its own dedicated section.

So, what does count as targeted harassment, intimidation, and threat under Twitter’s TOS?

Calling a Nazi a “goat-felching ratbastard.” Clearly, that type of behavior causes more harm than violent misogyny or blatant antisemitism, especially from a user already evading a previous ban from the service:

I keep asking them why they do nothing about abuse, and this is all they say.​ Apparently doxing, abuse and rape threats are okay, but responding to a Nazi who rages against Jews on Twitter? Why, that’s what’s offensive. His wasn’t even a verified account; he was a known abuser who’d been suspended before and come back with a sockpuppet account.

You will note that there is a section of the rules I quoted that prohibits the creation of such accounts. But they found Scarlett Parrish in violation of the TOS. Not the Nazi whose entire account is dedicated to spreading the antisemitic hate that was presumably the cause of his original ban.

At this time, Scarlett has said she’s unsure if she’ll return to Twitter even after the ban is lifted, but it leaves her in a difficult position. She’s an author, and walking away from Twitter as a platform to publicize new releases and interact with readers is a blow that not many of us could recover from. Others are faced with similar issues; journalists and activists use the platform to follow stories and organize. Some of the biggest stories of 2016 broke on Twitter and were ignored by mainstream media. For many people (myself included), the real-time citizen journalism of Twitter is the way we stay aware of the world around us. Twitter isn’t just social media, it’s educational, professional, and activist media. To leave is to close yourself off from a part of the world, so that’s why we stay.

And Twitter knows that we’ll stay for those reasons. That’s why they’ve written their TOS to appear socially conscious and protective of the free exchange of speech and ideas. But that facade crumbles like a house of cards under scrutiny of this incident and the many others like it. Scarlett Parrish isn’t the first person to be banned from Twitter for hurting the pwecious snowflake fee-fees of a person who advocates for the genocide of an entire race. She isn’t the first person to be told that the threats and abuse they’ve received are just fine by Twitter’s standards.

When Twitter talks about not wanting voices to be silenced and wanting to “ensure that people feel safe expressing diverse opinions and beliefs”, yet selectively enforces their TOS to favor violent misogynists, self-identified Nazis, and men threatening rape, they make it crystal clear just whose diverse opinions they agree with and strive to promote.

If you’d like to show your support for Scarlett, her latest book release can be found here.