Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 53

State Of The Trout: SAY GOODBYE TO HOLLYWOOD edition

Hello there friends! Some of you may have looked at my blog in the past weeks and thought, “Why the hell isn’t Jenny saying anything about [random awful thing happening my country right now].” Well, there’s a reason.

First of all, the speed at which the awful shit keeps happening is so fast, I simply couldn’t keep up with it here. While I finish one exhausting and terrible post, six other exhausting and terrible things will have taken place. I would be the blogging equivalent of Sisyphus, pushing a wrinkly orange rock that I don’t really want to think about, let alone touch.

Second, it seems like there’s nowhere anyone can go to escape the worldwide crises caused by our ridiculous conservative right. If this space can be one of those precious few spaces, then I’ll let it be. If things change in the future, they change, but for now, I’d like to spend at least a couple hours of my day writing frivolous stuff and sharing it with you guys, to give my eyeballs a rest from watching my country burn.

I am intensely vocal (some might say overly so) about politics on Twitter, so you can always find me there. No, really. Always. It’s like it’s plugged into my brain.

Moving on to a subject that’s less horrifying. Or more horrifying, depending on how you feel about my novels. Some time ago, I mentioned that I was writing an erotic romance about a screenwriter adapting the bestselling erotic novel of an egomaniacal author. I am pleased to report that, while it won’t release the first week of February as I had originally hoped, it is nearing completion. That said, it took a bit of a turn from an erotic romance to a contemporary romance, and then arrived somewhere in the valley between “novel with romantic elements” and “women’s fiction.” It has been a ride, let me tell you.

Because the content is so different from what I write as Abigail Barnette, Say Goodbye To Hollywood will be released as a Jenny Trout novel. And since this is Jenny Trout’s blog, here are some fun facts to gear you up for the book.

Does the egomaniacal author sound familiar? There’s no way I can pretend that the premise of the novel isn’t based on the rumored behind-the-scenes struggles with the adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, but fictional author Lynn Baldwin isn’t a carbon copy of E.L. James. In fact, the only thing they have in common are similar career situations. Baldwin is an amalgamation of several literary divas I’ve met in my career. You can have fun guessing who inspired her personality.

You said you were done with Fifty Shades. Why write a book inspired by it? So much gossip swirled around about the making of the first movie that it was almost inescapable. Some bits that inform scenes in the novel were almost too ridiculous to be believed, so I knew they would make great fiction (although I suspect some of them were fiction to begin with). After I read Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan’s The Royal We, I realized that “write what you know” isn’t necessarily bad advice. In fact, it can make for really fun writing (and hopefully, reading)!

Are there going to be as many sex scenes as in the Neil and Sophie books? Nope. At this point, there are two sex scenes. This novel won’t be as long as the Neil and Sophie books, either. And don’t expect my usual May/December pairing.

You announced this project ages ago! Why has it taken so long? Burn out. Emotional and creative burn out. And it’s not like anything else I’ve written, so I’ve had to take my time, adapt my voice, and listen harder to characters I don’t know as well as my ongoing series casts.

So, when will it be out? I can only say soon. Until then, I’ll give you updates and maybe even share little bits until I can comfortably tell you when the book will be delivered.

That’s all the news that’s fit to print, at the moment.

The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S03E16 “Dopplegangland”

CW: Brief mention of CSA.

In every generation, there is a chosen one. She alone is suffering from extreme vertigo, so please bear with her. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
All the monsters look like wieners.
If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
Angel is a dick.
Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
Science and technology are not to be trusted.
Mental illness is stigmatized.
Only Willow can use a computer.
Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
Oz is the Anti-Xander
Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
Smoking is evil.
Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.
How do these kids know all these outdated references, anyway?
Technology is used inconsistently as per its convenience in the script.
Sunnydale residents are no longer shocked by supernatural attacks.
Casual rape dismissal/victim blaming a-go-go
Snyder believes Buffy is a demon or other evil entity.
The Scoobies kind of help turn Jonathan into a bad guy.
This show caters to the straight/bi female gaze like whoa.
Sunnydale General is the worst hospital in the world.
Faith is hyper-sexualized needlessly.
Slut shame!
The Watchers have no fucking clue what they’re doing.
Vampire bites, even very brief ones, are 99.8% fatal.
Economic inequality is humorized and oversimplified.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it.

After the moral struggle of the past two episodes, it’s nice to return to a fun one-off. And Anya!

The very first scene introduces D’Hoffryn, who has to be one of my favorite evil beings in the Buffyverse. Though we don’t see it in this episode, D’Hoffryn turns out to be one of those bad guys who’s really just doing his job, and you can imagine him having interests outside of vengeance on the side. Anyway, Anya has apparently been bothering him with requests to get her magic back after Giles smashed up her necklace in “The Wish”:

Anya: “For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe and now I’m stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. A child. And I’m flunking math.”

D’Hoffryn is like, yeah, well, that’s not really my problem, and Anya is all, well, I’ll get my power back whether you help me or not. If she doesn’t get her power back, she’ll end up living out her mortal life until she dies. Probably right there in Sunnydale.

Pardon me while I turn away and stifle my tears by biting my knuckles.

Anyway, Anya says she’ll find someone to help her get her power back, and we cut directly to Willow, who is floating a pencil. Floating a pencil was the only way you could prove you were a witch in the 1990′s. It’s history. Look it up. Buffy is doing sit-ups and talking about all the weird psychological tests and exercise stuff Wesley has been putting the Slayers through, and Willow guesses correctly that Buffy wants to get ahead of Faith. Which Buffy feels bad about, because she feels bad for Faith:

Buffy: “She had it rough. Different circumstances, that could be me.”

The whole Buffy/Faith thing is where we really start seeing Buffy mature past the “woe is me, I’m a Slayer” theme that dominated the first two seasons. Buffy’s starting to realize that yeah, being the Slayer sucks, but being a different, non-Buffy Slayer is probably worse, especially since other Slayers don’t have the kind of support Buffy has been receiving for the bulk of her Slayer career.

Buffy apologizes to Willow for talking about Faith, since she knows that Willow doesn’t really like Faith, and though Willow insists that she’s fine with it, the pencil she’s floating starts spinning out of control then shoots off and embeds itself in a tree. (#4)

So basically, no, she’s not fine with anything remotely Faith related.

After the opening credits, Willow is in Synder’s office with Percy West, Sunnydale’s basketball star. Percy isn’t going to be able to play anymore if he flunks history, and it’s important to Snyder that they have some kind of sports win since their whole swim team got turned into fish monsters last season. Willow doesn’t really want to tutor Percy, but Snyder says he knows she’ll do it.

In the library, where Buffy is wearing the creakiest pair of pleather pants the Delia’s catalog had to offer, Willow takes a crack at the Mayor’s files while Faith and Wesley return from a training exercise. Faith is her usual wise-cracking self, but when Giles reminds her that the testing they’re doing is required for the council, she’s instantly subdued. In fact, almost too subdued. Supportive of Buffy, even. After Buffy leaves with Wesley, Faith asks Willow what’s going on with The Mayor’s files, and wants to know if Willow can actually hack into them. Willow tells her that she’ll get in eventually, and we cut to The Mayor, receiving this info from Faith as he shows her the new apartment he bought for her:

The Mayor: “No Slayer of mine is going to live in some fleabag motel. That place has a very unsavory reputation. There are immoral liasons going on there.”

Faith: “Yeah, plus all the screwing.”

It’s a really cool apartment, but she still has to keep her room at the motel for meeting the Scoobies, so they won’t know something is up. Faith, who doesn’t know how to respond to generosity that doesn’t have strings attached, turns it into something sexual:

Faith: “Thanks, sugar daddy.”

The Mayor: “Now, Faith, I don’t find that sort of thing amusing. I’m a family man. Now let’s kill your little friend.”

He tells her they need to orchestrate some kind of vampire attack to take care of Willow, and while she seems hesitant, all that hesitation goes out the window when he tells her he bought her a Playstation.

To be fair, I think a lot of us would have killed someone for a Playstation back then.

Faith trying to cozy up to the Mayor and calling him her sugar daddy has always struck me as very sad. I remember girls who were like that toward adult men in middle/high school and then it would always come out that they were being sexually abused or groomed for abuse. This is where #32 is really, really sad, because I’m not sure if the conclusion we’re supposed to draw is “Faith was obviously abused as a child” or just “Ha ha, that Faith, always slutting it up!”

Back at Sunnydale, Willow sees Oz in the hall and is like, “I didn’t see you yesterday.” And I’m like, yeah, where the fuck have you been, Oz? Because it feels like we haven’t seen him for a long time. Also, his hair is like, black now. And it’s not a great look on him. Seth Green was not made to go dark. Anyway, he was with his band at an out-of-town show and ended up missing school. Willow is hurt that he didn’t invite her, and he says he didn’t think she’d want to miss school, too. Then he tells her to come to his show at the Bronze later, but she has too much homework.

Part of that homework is going to be Percy’s. Because when she catches up with him and tries to set up a time to work on a social studies paper with him, he makes it clear that he won’t be doing the work. He tells Willow to write the paper, but not do too good a job or else he’ll get caught. He also makes an insulting remark about how she doesn’t have anything better to do. She’s still steaming over that when Buffy and Xander approach and ask her if she has biology notes they need:

Buffy: “See, I told you. Old reliable.”

Willow: “Oh, thanks.”

Buffy: “What?”

Willow: “‘Old Reliable?’ Yeah, great, there’s a sexy nickname.”

Buffy: “I-I didn’t mean it as–”

Willow: “No. It’s fine, I’m ‘Old Reliable’.”

Xander decides, unhelpfully, to compare Willow to Old Faithful, and then to Old Yeller, and all of this pushes Willow over her breaking point.

Willow: “Maybe I’ll change my look. Or cut class. You don’t know. And I’m eating this banana, lunch time be damned!”

Inside, Anya notices Willow alone and introduces herself as one of Cordelia’s friends. Anya asks Willow if she can help with a spell, and of course, Willow is like, yes, absolutely. She’s positively delighted to be asked to call upon dark powers:

Willow: “Is it dangerous?”

Anya: “Oh, no.”

Willow: “Well, can we pretend it is?”

Anya tells Willow that she’s trying to find a necklace that’s been in her family for generations, but was recently stolen. The spell they do will create a temporal fold and the necklace will be returned from the time and place it was lost.

So like, remember where it was lost? In that weird parallel everybody-is-vampires-now wish dimension?

The spell unleashes a montage of “The Wish” that culminates in vampire Willow vanishing instead of getting staked. Willow sees all of this and freaks out, telling Anya that she saw a hell dimension and she knows that Anya isn’t telling her the truth:

Anya: “I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.”

Willow: “Well did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?”

Anya berates Willow for her cowardice, but Willow won’t be moved. She refuses to help Anya with the spell a second time. She leaves, and Anya smashes the plate they used in the ritual. At the same moment, Vampire!Willow wakes in the exact spot where she would have died in the wishverse.

Vampire!Willow wanders around Sunnydale, wondering why humans are all uncaged and free to roam after dark. And it is bumming her out. She runs into Percy, who threatens her, saying that he better not flunk history or Snyder is going to do something nebulous and consequency. Whatever he’s getting at, Vampire!Willow ain’t having it. She throws Percy over the pool table (as in, completely over the pool table, not onto the pool table) and then strolls over and chokes him until a completely flummoxed Xander intervenes. Vampire!Willow gets all handsy with him, then disappointedly declares that he’s alive. Buffy, startled by Willow’s new appearance, tries to compliment her, but Vampire!Willow just declares that she doesn’t like Buffy and walks off. When Buffy tries to stop her from leaving, Vampire!Willow throws her a vamp face, and Buffy and Xander realize what’s going on.

Kind of.

But it’s still heartbreaking. This is Buffy’s best friend, and now she’s a vampire. A thing that Buffy is supposed to kill. So, her face goes like this:

Vampire!Willow stalks the alleys of Sunnydale. Two vampires approach her and call her by name, but she beats them down. When the vamp she has pinned says there’s been a mistake and they were looking for a human, Vampire!Willow starts breaking fingers and asking who the guy is working for. It takes a couple of fingers, but the vampire finally gets to the right answer: they work for Vampire!Willow now. And they just listen to her, because she’s super authoritative and spooky. Which makes me think she should probably become a special needs student advocate because sometimes you need to get super authoritative and spooky with school administrators.

Do I sound bitter? Because I’m still super bitter.

Anyway, back at the library, our heroes mourn the loss of one of their own:

Giles: “She was truly the finest of all of us.”

Xander: “Way better than me.”

Giles: “Much, much better.”

While Buffy is deep in the throes of blaming herself, Willow, non-vampire edition, comes in and asks what’s going on and if someone died. After some frantic cross-wielding, they realize that she’s not a vampire after all. What follows is the expected enthusiastic friend hugs from Xander and Buffy, but also the super adorable “Awwww!” moment when Giles practically tackles Willow and crushes the life out of her.

Willow: “It’s really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn’t happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?”

They try to explain what they saw, but nobody is really sure what they saw:

Buffy: “Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?”

Giles: “Well, uh, something. Something um…very strange is happening.”

Xander: “Can you believe the Watcher’s Council let this guy go?”

At the Bronze, Anya tries to buy herself a beer. The bartender asks her for an I.D.:

Anya: “I’m eleven-hundred and twenty years old, just give me a frickin’ beer!”

And while loading in their equipment, Oz runs into Angel. This is, conveniently, when Vampire!Willow’s henchmen bust in and start shouting about how if nobody moves or tries to leave, they won’t get hurt.

Angel: “Why don’t I believe him?”

Oz: “Well, he lacks credibility.”

Oz suggests that maybe Angel should try to get away, but Angel is like, I’m needed here, and Oz is all, yeah, that’s great, but there are a lot more of them than you. Before either of them can do anything, in strolls Vampire!Willow. When Oz sees Willow is a vampire, he’s like, get Buffy. And Angel takes off.

In a sexually charged, sapphic show of dominance, Willow picks one girl from the crowd (who looks an awful lot like Buffy, if any of you ship the two and want ammo) and eats her. That’s when Oz tries to approach. To Vampire!Willow, Oz is still one of the White Hats, the vampire hunters from Wishverse Sunnydale. So she thinks it’s kind of odd that he would act like they were friends.

In steps Anya, who explains to Vampire!Willow that she’s not in her world anymore. Then she asks if Vampire!Willow wants to get back to that world, and the answer is obviously yes because there is apparently…pony play?

Speaking of kink, back at the library, Willow is freaking out that a vampire version of her is walking around dressed like a dominatrix.

Willow: “Oh right. Me and Oz play ‘Mistress of Pain’ every night.”

The day the Scoobies were traumatized.

Luckily, they don’t have time to imagine that too much because Angel bursts in to tell them, near tears and out of breath (#20), that something has happened to Willow. Then he sees her and is like, “Hey, Willow.” And then he’s on the same WTF train as everyone else.

They decide it’s time to storm the Bronze, and tear off, weapons in tow. They don’t call Faith, because Giles doesn’t want her doing anything Slayer-ish around civilians. Also, they don’t bother to call Wesley, because despite being the new Watcher, he’s not even an afterthought to them.

Willow asks Buffy what they’re going to do to Vampire!Willow, and Buffy tries to awkwardly hedge around the fact that they’re going to kill her. Which obviously doesn’t sit well with Willow, because she’ll have to watch her best friend fight and murder herself. Or get murdered by her. Oh my gosh. Under all the humor in this episode, the unspokens are really intense.

But Willow has an idea! She races into the library, presumably to grab her various witchy tools, but someone’s waiting for her:

Vampire!Willow is disgusted with her doppelganger:

Willow: “Well, look at me. I’m all…fuzzy.”

She tells Willow that she was going to ask to get sent back to her world, but now that she’s there with her alternate self, basically they should just have sex. Like, Vampire!Willow comes on real, real strong. Which freaks Willow out, and I’m not sure it should. Not because we later find out that Willow is a lesbian, but because it would be the ultimate form of masturbation. No one else is going to attain that level. You become some kind of minor deity at that point.

Don’t pretend you all wouldn’t jump at the chance.

Willow mouths off and gets thrown over the counter, which is convenient because that’s where the tranquilizer dart gun is that they use on Oz. Yup. Sitting, undisguised behind the library counter where school kids come to check their books out and whatnot is a big fuck-off hunting rifle. And nobody has ever noticed? Not in “Gingerbread,” when they searched the library (and also seemed to find no weapons)? The janitor never noticed it? It’s just that easy to hide a gun at Sunnydale High?

I mean, we already knew it wasn’t a real safe school to attend, but #8, you guys. Paranormal baddies aside, I don’t think we can trust a school to keep students safe when a barely concealed rifle goes unnoticed.

Anyway, Willow grabs the gun and shoots a tranquilizer dart into Vampire!Willow, who calls her a bitch and promptly collapses. Note: tranquilizers work on vampires. Good to know.

Buffy and Xander and Giles and Angel have returned for some reason. Maybe Willow caught up to them and was like, “Hey, guess who I found?” It doesn’t really matter unless you’re wondering why they’re suddenly back. Angel and Xander drag Vampire!Willow into the cage and lock her up.

Willow: “It’s horrible. That’s me as a vampire? I’m so evil and skanky. And I think I’m kind of gay.”

Buffy: “Willow, just remember, a vampire’s personality has nothing to do with the person it was.”

Angel: “Well, actually… that’s a good point.”

SO MUCH HERE! SO MUCH!

Okay, first of all, we have to tag Willow’s line with #6, #23, but also #21. All three!

#6 because of the “skanky” line. Willow finds Vampire!Willow’s overt sexuality and provocative manner of dress to be a sign of unsavory behavior, when the fact that she’s, you know, a vampire and kills people and attacked her give her more than enough to dislike. Although honestly, it’s tight and all, but Vampire!Willow’s outfit is long-sleeved and has full-length pants. It even covers her wrists. Yeah, it’s black leather and has a wide neckline that shows some cleavage, but considering how many short skirts, sports bras, and sheer tops we see, this outfit isn’t revealing at all by comparison. Which…means…oh my gosh. Vampire!Willow has retained the sartorial modesty of her human incarnation. That’s some costume characterization there! Good job, guys!

#23 because Willow finds it “horrible” that her vampire-self is “kind of gay.” Gayness here is listed as a negative up there with “evil”. However, this is something I can give kind of a half-pass to, because, shocker, a lot of closeted people can be homophobic (ranging from casual to extreme). We know that Willow ends up identifying as a lesbian later in the show, so that’s where the half-pass comes from. When the show first aired, no one would have had any idea that this was going to happen, so it still gets dinged.

But the writers already knew that Willow was gay. How? Because if season four hadn’t already been outlined by the time they pitched the show to the network, it would almost certainly have been by the time the writers sat down to draft season three, so this remark is very likely intentional. #21

I suppose I could use this moment to make the case that Vampire!Willow was actually bisexual, since she seems to be attracted to both men and women and therefore there would have been nothing wrong at all with the writers having Willow identify as bi from season four on, but they went with lesbian and it’s how Willow identifies, so I’ll refrain from throwing my messy bisexual headcanon all over the place.

But wait! There’s more!

Angel clearly knows at this point that Willow is “kinda gay.” Wanna know how I know? He stops short of outing her. He doesn’t say, “Well, actually that’s a good point.” He says, “Well, actually…” thinks better of it, and quickly tacks on, “that’s a good point.” So, good for you, Angel. You picked up the vibe but knew it wasn’t your place to put it down.

What’s super interesting to me about Angel saying, “Well, actually…” is that it fully contradicts everything we’ve been told about vampires and why Angel’s soul makes him so god damn special and totally not-killable. We’ve been told over and over in the first two seasons that a vampire is a demon wearing a person suit, like a possession. But here we have the show subtly changing direction. And now I have a reason to write my scathing essay about the Hunters on Supernatural not recognizing the need for nuance in their line of work.

Anyway, moving on. Even though they have Vampire!Willow locked up, they still have the problem of all those vampires at the Bronze who could still go rogue and kill everyone. Which wouldn’t be good, but they’re still not sure how to handle the situation.

So, let’s see. In the scene when the vampires first come into the Bronze, Oz says there are ten of them. The Scoobies have a Slayer, a Vampire, a Watcher, and two humans who fight vampires all the damn time, and the element of surprise in a venue they’re super familiar with. Plus, they’ve charged headlong into situations like this with less on their side. But I don’t care if this is suddenly incongruous with how they usually do things because the solution to the problem is Willow dressing up in Vampire!Willow’s clothes and making her friends uncomfortable with her sudden cleavage:

Buffy: “Are you okay in that?”

Willow: “It’s a little binding. I guess vampires really don’t have to breathe. Gosh, look at those!”

Cut to Xander and Giles, determined not to look at those.

So yeah, vampires don’t have to breathe, but Angel is out of breath when he arrives at the library just a few scenes ago. #20, show. #20. Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.

They get all their ducks in a row, Willow promises not to be brave, then she strides into the Bronze, prepared to act like Vampire!Willow.

Willow: “Hi. I’m back.”

Nailed it.

Vampire: “Did you find the girl?”

Willow: “Yup. I did.”

Anya: “Where is she?”

Willow: “I killed her. And…sucked her blood. As we vampires do.”

Damnit, Willow.

She manages to dupe at least one vampire into going outside, where he’s promptly killed by Buffy and Angel. Anya is like, what the hell, why would you kill the only person who could help you, and Willow threatens to have her minions take Anya out back and kill her. Midway through the threat, Willow spots Oz:

You had one job.

She goes on to explain why she killed Willow:

Willow: “She bothered me. She was so weak and accomodating. She’s always letting people walk all over her and then she gets cranky with her friends for no reason. I just couldn’t let her live.”

Come on.

It is at this point that Vampire!Willow wakes up in the cage. Which is just in time for Cordelia to wander into the library dressed like a nightclub singer:

She’s looking for Wesley under the pretense of needing books. After hours. At school. Hey, why is that closed sign on the counter? Obviously, they’re closed. It’s a school and it’s night time.

Anyway, she spots Vampire!Willow locked in the cage and asks how she got in there. Because Vampire!Willow is just about as good at acting as Willow is, she stumbles through an explanation of getting locked in the cage by accident because she likes books and is shy. Not being a master of noticing that which is obvious, Cordelia gets the key from under the counter and is about to let Willow out when:

Cordelia: “Wait. It occurs to me that we’ve never really had the opportunity to talk. You know, woman to woman. With you locked up.”

Vampire!Willow: “Don’t wanna talk. Hungry.”

Cordelia: “What could we talk about? Hey! How about the ethics of boyfriend stealing?”

Oh shit.

At the Bronze, Willow says she’s bored with killing because it isn’t fun anymore. Her minions are getting restless and wanting to eat, and Anya is finally catching on. Willow says they should let everyone go and give them a thirty-second head start, but Anya spills the beans:

Anya: “If she’s a vampire, then I’m the Creature From The Black Lagoon.”

Meanwhile, at the library:

Look at the mug. That’s one of those little details that, when you notice it, really makes the whole scene so much funnier, especially when you realize that it’s intentionally put there to denote the passage of time. At some point, Cordelia stopped talking at Vampire!Willow long enough to go and make herself a cup of tea or coffee or what have you, then came back to talk at her some more. And unlike some other visual gags, this one becomes funnier the more you analyze it.

Anyway, Cordelia is going on and on about how she was never actually into Xander, she was just victim to circumstances that threw her into life and death situations that made him seem heroic. Vampire!Willow has no choice but to apologize and promise not to steal any boyfriends from Cordelia again, which only insults Cordelia further. But she lets her out of the cage, anyway, citing her “humanitarian streak.” Willow immediately vamps out with the intention of killing Cordy.

After the commercial, Cordelia runs from Vampire!Willow, screaming and promising that Vampire!Willow can totally have Xander. Wesley has returned to the school, and he overhears the commotion and runs to the rescue. He threatens Vampire!Willow with a cross and holy water, and she grudgingly leaves. When Cordelia approaches Wesley to thank him for saving her life, she startles him and he screams like Goofy. That doesn’t stop her from falling into his awkward embrace.

Wesley: “Was that–”

Cordelia: “Willow. They got Willow. So, are you doing anything tonight?”

Back at the Bronze, Anya has had just about enough of humans. She says she doesn’t care if she gets her powers back, she just wants someone to eat Willow. Willow asks “can a human do this?” before screaming at the top of her lungs. Unimpressed, Anya and one of the vampires agree that humans totally do that. But the scream was just the signal for Buffy and Co. to come to the rescue. A fight ensues, and Willow punches Anya, which is a moment she probably revisits in her fondest memories as the series goes on. Vampire!Willow arrives and knocks Willow to the ground. She starts choking her, which, like, wouldn’t really be a vampire’s first choice when it comes to human necks, but whatever. Buffy rushes to stake Vampire!Willow, but Willow shouts for her to stop, and she does, just in the nick of time. Captured and defeated, Vampire!Willow says sadly:

Vampire!Willow: “This world is no fun.”

Willow: “You noticed that, too?”

It’s a sad moment because you suddenly realize that season three has been really hard on Willow. And this whole time, she’s been peppy and supportive of her friends, and none of them–or us–noticed how deeply depressed she’s become. As an audience member, I feel guilty.

The Scoobies take Vampire!Willow back to the spot where she crossed into this world, so they can use a spell to send her back. Buffy expresses concern about letting a vampire live but says she can’t really kill her.

Willow: “We send her back to her world and she stands a chance. That’s the way it should be, anyway.”

Back up the what the fuck train. How much is this season going to blur the line between who can and can’t be killed? Because Vampire!Willow is undoubtedly evil, a vampire, a remorseless killer, and they’re letting her go? Just because she looks like Willow? We need a ruling here. We can’t kill humans, even if they’re collaborating with evil. We have to kill all vampires, no exceptions because they’re demons. Oh, but a few exceptions because Angel has a soul and this one looks like Willow. Also, Spike has a chip and Harmony is someone they knew from high school, but the guy in season seven who went to high school with Buffy? He’s a vampire, he has to be killed. Demons are right out, even Anya in season seven because even though she’s been a huge part of their lives for several years at that point, she’s a demon again and must be killed.

Look, I’m a writer. I know that it’s impossible to world-build in such a way that there’s no wiggle room when necessary. But I feel like on this show, they don’t try too hard to explain why the rules apply in some situations and not others. That inconsistency is maddening when it’s happening alongside what the characters consider unbreakable laws and absolute truths. Just like we never get an explanation for why Angel believes the “vampires are demons wearing human skin” thing until he just suddenly doesn’t in this episode. Because the show is so well written, these inconsistencies stick out even more.

They get Vampire!Willow ready to go back to her world, and Willow tries to give her a supportive hug. Vampire!Willow takes the opportunity to grope her. Vampire!Willow rematerializes in her world, just in time for Oz to push her onto the broken piece of two-by-four that ends her life. She starts to drop an f-bomb as she dissolves into ash.

The next day, Willow explains to Buffy that being a nerdy doormat doesn’t seem so bad, now that she’s seen the alternative. Percy approaches Willow, who starts to explain that she didn’t have time to write his paper. Instead, Percy hands her the paper he wrote, then a back-up paper because he couldn’t tell the difference between the presidents Roosevelt. He’s super nervous and eager to please. He even brings her an apple.

So, worldbuilding/bending frustration aside, this is a great episode. The foreshadowing of Willow’s homosexuality still blows me away. This is one of the few shows in this genre that didn’t fall into the trap of queer baiting the audience. They showed us “kinda gay” Willow in season three, and in season four, they delivered. Yes, they did sorta kick off the trend of killing off a gay character for love and tragedy etc. on TV, but the way this introduces Willow–and us–to the idea of possibly-gay Willow is so well done and honestly innovative not just for its time, but better than most shows pull this off today.

On a list of favorite Buffy episodes, this one is always going to be way, way towards the top.

True Blood Tuesday S03E05: “Trouble”

What is even happening in this show? Something has to happen eventually, right? It’s not just all going to be vampires talking to each other and not doing anything until the very end of the season, is it?

Anyway, here’s the file, start it after the HBO logo/sound fade. If there’s any odd clicking, it’s because I was tethered to my computer for this one.

True Blood Tuesday S03E04 “9 Crimes”

Okay, so we’re back on track and ready to rumble. The file is here, hit play when the HBO logo/sound fades. CW on this one for the murder of an adult entertainer and the fact that I deconstruct it in my rage at the end.

This Gift Sucks, Veronica. Where Do I Return It?

For months now, readers have talked about the problematic racial elements present in Divergent author Veronica Roth’s latest novel, Carve The Mark.  Young Adult author Justina Ireland wrote about the damaging content in Carve The Mark and the now-postponed release The Continent. Readers on social media have carried on that conversation and as ARCs poured out into the world, some blogs even declined to include them in giveaways. Carve The Mark seemed poised to be the most problematic, rejected YA offering of 2017.

But Roth just had to go that little bit further.

In an interview with NPR, Roth explains that novel takes place in a world where once a person reaches adolescence, they receive a “gift” or special talent:

“Well, Cyra’s is that she experiences constant pain, and she can also give that pain to other people. So the theory is that the current, which is this kind of energy that is present in the galaxy, that it flows through each person and their personality is like a mold that shapes how it comes out. And for her, it would take a lot of psychoanalysis to figure out why she thinks that she’s worthy of pain and that others are worthy of pain but – so she’s basically experiencing, like, a supernatural form of chronic pain.”

Roth explains that she was inspired by friends who have endometriosis:

“And for me, the importance of it came from I had several friends who experienced chronic pain over, you know, like, a decade and were – had their pain underestimated by doctors, which statistically is more likely if you’re a woman by, like, a drastic degree. And they were eventually diagnosed with endometriosis. This is like a couple of people just in my immediate social circle. So I thought about them a lot, about how pain takes over your life and limits your potential and how difficult it can be to find someone who’ll take it seriously.”

As a woman disabled by chronic pain from Fibromyalgia, I can absolutely back up Roth’s assertion that it’s difficult to find someone who’ll take it seriously. From doctors to family members, from “we all have little aches and pains” to “you should try [suggestions ranging from quitting gluten or doing yoga],” chronic pain patients are at the mercy of a society that doesn’t quite know what to do with us. Many of us don’t have visible signs of disability (“You don’t look sick!”). Some of us use mobility aids (“Wheelchairs are for people who are actually handicapped!”). Some of us have employment outside the home (“If you can work, it can’t be that bad!”), but others are housebound (“You’d feel better if you got out more!”). Getting anyone to listen to us when we share the reality of our lives seems futile (“Why are you focusing on how bad you have it? Try to be more positive!”), and we often feel like we talk too much about our pain. Since our resources and physical energy are limited, it’s often easier to suck it up, suffer in silence, and let ignorance slide.

While many men suffer from chronic pain conditions, their challenges are often different from women’s. Western culture constantly equates women’s suffering with something positive. We’re “strong.” We’re “warriors.” We “fight.” But we’re never, no matter what our circumstances may be, allowed to resent that suffering or wish for it to end. That’s not attractive. It doesn’t fit the mold. It makes us depressingly human to those who value our martyrdom over our lives, our hopes, and our frustrations. We’re no longer inspirational, and if our pain can’t benefit or, in the case of Carve The Mark, entertain people who want to be allies to the disabled, it’s just a bummer.

I don’t know how Roth’s friends with endometriosis feel about their pain being appropriated to make Roth, an already famous and successful author, more money. I don’t care to know because their opinions don’t represent every person suffering from chronic pain and won’t excuse the harm Roth has caused by depicting chronic pain as a “gift.” Maybe Roth’s friends have had important, life-changing experiences after their diagnoses and feel that their pain really is a gift. But I would venture to suggest that, based on the social media responses to the interview, most people don’t share that view. The notion of suffering as a gift doesn’t make chronic pain patients feel better; it makes abled people feel better.

Our pain is not “supernatural.” It doesn’t embody us with special powers that we can use to heal a divided people. In fact, many women suffering from chronic pain conditions and other disabilities have lamented that we can’t be a part of the marches and protests scheduled for January 21st. Once again, women with disabilities will be left out of a movement that should include us and be derided as “slacktivists” because we can’t get out and physically march.

Chronic pain can be fatal. People with chronic pain conditions have an increased risk of cardiovascular illness and addiction to opioids or self-medication with alcohol. In an attempt to save us from ourselves, the CDC recently updated its guidelines on the prescription of painkillers; this led to an increased suicide risk in some patients already at high risk. Yes, there is a need to take us more seriously. A white-savior YA novel where chronic pain is treated as a supernatural power is not going to accomplish that; it will harm us.

My chronic pain caused me to miss the first two years of my daughter’s life. Those memories have been lost in a haze of painkillers and cocktails of prescriptions that were meant to make me functional and only succeeded in robbing me of my life, my career, even my home. And now Veronic Roth has appropriated–for personal profit–my experience, her friends’ experiences, the experiences of millions of women who would do anything to be able to return their “gift.” We just can’t find the damn receipt.

But we have receipts on you, Veronica. Mountains and mountains of them. And gosh, we just don’t have the supernatural energy to climb over those to get to the bookstore on release day.

True Blood Screwdsday

I recorded the entirety of the True Blood episode without realizing that my mic wasn’t turned on. So I’ll re-doing tonight and posting it tomorrow.

But let me tell you. I have THOUGHTS about this one. Boy howdy.

The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S03E15 “Consequences”

In every generation, there is a chosen one. She alone is suffering from extreme vertigo, so please bear with her. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
All the monsters look like wieners.
If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
Angel is a dick.
Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
Science and technology are not to be trusted.
Mental illness is stigmatized.
Only Willow can use a computer.
Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
Oz is the Anti-Xander
Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
Smoking is evil.
Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.
How do these kids know all these outdated references, anyway?
Technology is used inconsistently as per its convenience in the script.
Sunnydale residents are no longer shocked by supernatural attacks.
Casual rape dismissal/victim blaming a-go-go
Snyder believes Buffy is a demon or other evil entity.
The Scoobies kind of help turn Jonathan into a bad guy.
This show caters to the straight/bi female gaze like whoa.
Sunnydale General is the worst hospital in the world.
Faith is hyper-sexualized needlessly.
Slut shame!
The Watchers have no fucking clue what they’re doing.
Vampire bites, even very brief ones, are 99.8% fatal.
Economic inequality is humorized and oversimplified.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it.

We open on Buffy’s nightmare. She’s drowning, while Allan the deputy mayor is holding onto her foot. When she finally breaks free and gains the surface, Faith is there to hold her head down.

I know, it’s subtle and a little too cerebral, but stick with it and you’ll get what all this is supposed to symbolize.

Buffy wakes to find her mother watching the news. They’re reporting on a body that was recently discovered because Faith isn’t as good at hiding bodies as she thinks she is. The reporter’s dialogue even includes the word “slain,” which is a nice touch. The Mayor goes on TV to vow that they’ll find the real killer.

In the library later that day, Wesley tells the Slayers to look into the murder. Buffy and Giles say nay, Faith gives it an enthusiastic yay. There’s some posturing between Giles and Wesley regarding who’s chairman of the Slayer committee, and then Cordelia comes in. She’s pretty interested in Wesley, who is dismayed to find that yet another student knows all about the Slaying business. He’s also dismayed to find that Cordelia is a student because she’s sending a lot of signals he’s more than happy to pick up on.

Wesley: “My, she’s cheeky, isn’t she?”

Faith: “First word, jail. Second word, bait.”

This isn’t a criticism of the show, but I really hate the term “jail bait.” The “bait” part implies that underaged girls trick men who should know better into having sex. Or that, like fish, men have no choice but to follow a lure to their inevitable doom.

But whatever. Wesley tells Buffy and Faith that he wants them to investigate the murder and find out if it’s supernatural or not.

In an empty classroom, Buffy and Faith have a loud conversation about the fact that they’re both involved in a murder:

Faith: “So, gonna rat me out, is that it?”

Buffy: “Faith, we have to tell. I can’t pretend to investigate this. I can’t pretend that I don’t know.”

Faith: “Oh, I see. But you can pretend that Angel’s still dead when you need to protect him.”

Ohhhhh good point, Faith. And Angel killed like, way more people than just one guy who, might I add, works for their enemy.

But Buffy says that she is protecting Faith by telling, and Faith reminds her that, hey, you’re an accessory to this murder, so if you tell, we’re both in trouble.

I agree with both sides in this conflict. I think Buffy should tell Giles, at the very least. Because I am 100% certain that Giles knows how to cover up a murder quick and dirty style. Faith has a point when she says it’s not a big deal that the dude died. Allan works for The Mayor, so he’s the enemy. Killing him should be no big deal to the Watchers, and it’s unlikely that Faith or Buffy would get caught for the murder. Who’s going to believe that a teen girl who’s a buck ten soaking wet is strong enough to cause penetrating trauma to a grown man’s chest with a blunt object?

In the little commons area, Buffy finds Willow reading and trying not to make eye contact. Willow doesn’t really want to talk to Buffy because Willow has to go work on a spell with Michael, the other witch dude. Oh, also because Buffy has been blowing her off nonstop. And of course, Buffy feels small and alone, right? The way you do when a friend blows you off to hang with someone else. Now you know how Willow feels, Buffy.

That night, the cops have found the crime scene. They’re doing their forensic stuff while a woman tells the cops about hearing a man scream. Angel is lurking around, looking very suspicious, and he remembers seeing the blood on Buffy’s hand.

At City Hall, The Mayor is shredding papers:

The Mayor: “Usually, using the shredder gives me a lift. It’s fun.”

Mr. Trick: “And…today you’re not getting the ya-yas?”

The Mayor: “No. Guess it’ll take more than this to turn my frown upside down. I just don’t understand why Allan would leave such a paper trail about our dealings. You think he was going to betray me? Oh, now that’s a horrible thought. And now he’s dead, I’ll never have the chance to scold him.”

Something something cinnamon roll, something something not pure at all.

Mr. Trick drops the bombshell that a Slayer murdered Allan and that tickles The Mayor, by gosh, by golly.

Buffy and Faith break into City Hall and Allan’s office. Faith makes a joke about Allan’s office and how boring he must have been, but she gets uncharacteristically serious when she sees a picture of Allan and The Mayor together on his desk:

Faith: “He came outta nowhere.”

Buffy: “I know.”

Faith: “Whatever. I’m not lookin’ to hug and cry and learn and grow. I’m just sayin’, it happened quick, you know?”

So, Faith actually is remorseful over what happened and how. She just can’t be demonstrably so in front of Buffy without losing face. Buffy is already Miss Perfect in ways Faith can never hope to be, so all she has is her lack of fucks to give. But if she shows that she does, indeed, have fucks and that she actually gives them, she feels she’s at a disadvantage.

This is Faith’s ultimate downfall.

Faith wants to leave because she doesn’t think they’re going to find anything. And that’s exactly what they find. All of Allan’s files are missing. Buffy thinks he was out there that night to look for them, and she wants to know why. When they try to leave the office, they have to hide from Mr. Trick and The Mayor.

As they walk down the street, Faith expresses surprise that The Mayor is a bad guy. And Buffy does, too, which is weird because didn’t they find out during “Band Candy” that he’s a bad guy? I feel like they already know this.

But none of that matters, because it’s just the set up for this:

Faith: “When are you gonna learn, B? It doesn’t matter what kind of vibe you get off a person, ’cause nine times out of ten, the face that they’re showing you is not the real one.”

Buffy: “I guess you’d know a lot about that.”

Buffy stresses again that she knows Faith must be bothered deep, deep down about killing a dude. And she says, “I know what you’re feeling,” which is like, the very best way to get someone to not listen to a damn word you’re saying. But Buffy tries anyway, going on some big dramatic speech about how something feels sick inside of her, etc. Faith tells her to chill out, it’ll all blow over, and because Buffy isn’t a viewer with an outside perspective, she doesn’t understand that Faith threatening to jump on a freighter and leave town isn’t a callous retort, but a coping mechanism. Faith also points out that they’ve saved thousands of lives, and that Buffy literally saved the world, so one guy is not a big deal. Which again, I find myself agreeing with Faith here. They killed one guy who was mixing it up with vampires. Sucks, but shit happens.

One of the things I’ll never really understand in movies/tv shows/books about paranormal creatures and people hunting them is that everything is always black and white, no room for anything in between…until they say there is, and those times make the least sense. Here, it’s “killing people is wrong, no matter what the circumstances!” Okay, so you just kill demons then? “Yes! Always kill the demons, no matter what!” Okay, so you’re cool with killing Angel then? “No! Of course not! He’s the one exception to the rule because…he has a soul. And the rest of them are demons.” Then you’d be fully invested in killing Spike when he gets that chip out of his head, right? “Yes! Or no. Depending on which person is writing this and how many cars the fans would tip over and set on fire if we were to kill him off. Don’t worry, we’ll come up with some reason to avoid that, I’m sure.” “But killing a human who is actively working for the evil guy, that’s okay, right?” “No! Never! Because killing is bad.”

Buffy could really use this opportunity to learn that when “slay” is a part of your job title, you might need to develop a more ambiguous sense of morality. Instead, the writers use this chance to double down on her black-and-white view.

Buffy tells Faith that just because they’re Slayers, that doesn’t mean they’re better than everyone else, and Faith is like, actually, yeah, because without us, people would just be vampire food. And again, I find myself agreeing with Faith.

Holy shit? Am I evil?

Buffy goes home and there’s a detective there waiting for her. He interviews her about the night before. It’s cut with Faith answering the same questions with the same detective. None of their answers match up, and the detective says they have a witness who can identify them as being near the alley at the time of the murder.

Detective: “Somebody stabbed this guy through the heart. Strange thing is, the weapon? Was made out of wood. Any of this mean anything to you?”

Faith: “Yeah. That whoever did it wasn’t hip to the Bronze Age.”

At first I kind of thought he was implicating that Buffy or Faith or both of them were the murderers. And they are, but we know that because we saw it. If this detective is like ninety percent of the rest of Sunnydale, he either doesn’t know about or doesn’t care to acknowledge the existence of monsters and Slayers and all of that. He would have to reasonably believe that girls as small as Buffy and Faith have the physical strength to drive a blunt object through a grown man’s heart. But then the detective suggests they’re covering for someone, and that makes a lot more sense.

After he leaves, Buffy goes to Willow’s house and knocks on the door to Willow’s room. The door to Willow’s room that leads to the exterior of the house. I will never stop mentioning how weird it is to give your child a room with a door that lets them freely exit the house whenever they damn well feel like it. Buffy tells Willow that she needs to talk to her about something, and Willow is like, good because I’ve had something on my mind, too. Willow tears into Buffy about how she’s been hanging out with Faith and leaving Willow out, and it’s hurt Willow’s feelings.

Willow: “It’s like all of a sudden I’m not cool enough for you because I can’t kill things with my bare hands.”

That makes Buffy cry, and Willow immediately apologizes for sticking up for herself. Which is light-hearted and relatable in the moment, but Willow’s feelings and how Buffy hurt them never gets resolved in this episode. It’s just, oh, Buffy is crying, so now we have to move on to her thing.

After Buffy spills her tale, Willow tells Buffy she has to go to Giles, and that he’ll know what to do. So, Buffy goes to the library, and I was like, wait, why is she going to the library in the middle of the night? Why wouldn’t he be at home? LOL show, you’re so silly. Then I remembered that he probably spends late nights at the library to avoid going home to sleep in the bed where he found his girlfriend’s murdered body. And then I made myself sad.

Anyway, Buffy gets to the library and starts to tell Giles what’s going on. And then she sees that Faith is already there:

And Buffy is like:

And Faith is like

This is not the reassuring face of a person who is on your side, FYI.

Before Buffy can stammer out a full lie about what she was about to say, Faith says:

Faith: “It’s okay, Buffy. I told him.”

Buffy: “You told him?”

Faith: “I had to. He had to know what you did.”

Oh shit, Buffy was not expecting this. But honestly, the first time I saw this show, I totally expected this. Faith’s betrayal was telegraphed pretty hard from the very first time she showed up on screen.

Buffy tries to defend herself, but Giles will have none of it:

Giles: “I don’t want to hear it, Buffy.

Buffy: “No!”

Giles: “I don’t want to hear anymore lies.”

Giles orders Buffy into his office and tells Faith to go home. Oh shit, Buffy has lied to Giles so much this season, of course he doesn’t believe her! Why should he?

Because he’s motherfucking Giles. That’s why. This smooth, card-cataloging, tweed-wearing fuck machine knows everything. Because he’s observant and sensitive. Check it out:

Buffy: “Giles, I didn’t do this, I swear. Look, I know that I messed up badly, but the murder, it was–”

Giles: “Faith. I know. She may have many talents, Buffy, but fortunately, lying is not one of them.”

Then he apologizes to her for making her think he was mad at him for like two seconds.

Hey, guys who want to know what women want? This. We want a guy who looks good in tweed, has a fondness for the way books smell, and who will instantly disbelieve anyone who accuses us of murder. That’s not really that much to ask. I don’t know why you have so much trouble getting it.

Buffy is all full of angst because, you know, they killed a guy, but Giles is pretty cavalier about the whole thing:

Giles: “Buffy, this is not the first time something like this has happened.”

Buffy: “It’s not?”

Giles: “The Slayer is on the front line of a nightly war. It’s tragic, but accidents have happened.”

That’s what I’ve been saying! Okay, so, I’m not evil. I’m just Watcher material. Which is a little disappointing, because the pay grade for evil is a lot higher.

Giles tells Buffy that he’s not going to call the police on Faith, because that’s the last thing she needs. He says Faith is unstable and in denial, and really at the bottom of all this, Giles truly wants to help Faith get under control again. He tells Buffy that nobody else can know, but whoops, there’s Watcher Wesley eavesdropping on the whole thing. The very next thing he does is call Quentin Travers at the Council to tattle on Giles.

The next day, the gang meets in the surprisingly deserted cafeteria to discuss their options re: Faith. They all agree that an intervention is not the way to go. Xander recommends that he talk to her one-on-one:

Xander: “I think she might listen to me. We kind of have, um, a connection.”

Buffy: “A connection? Why would you think tha–”

Xander: “I’m just saying it’s worth a shot. That’s all.”

Giles: “I don’t see it, Xander. I mean, of all of us, you’re the one person that, arguably, Faith has had the least contact with.”

Xander tells them that he and Faith fought a demon together, and he gave her a ride home.

Buffy: “And you guys…talked?”

Xander: “Not extensively, no.”

Buffy: “Then why would you th–”

Okay, great, glad we’re all caught up then, guys.

Buffy explains to Xander that Faith doesn’t really care about the guys she sleeps with, so she won’t take him seriously. And Xander is clearly hurt by this. Giles suggests Xander could help him with research, so you know things are bad if Giles is voluntarily spending time with Xander. Giles doesn’t know what to do about Faith, so he suggests they figure out what they can on Mr. Trick. Willow breaks out of her near-catatonic sadness over Xander and Faith banging and says she can hack into the Mayor’s files. But Buffy is still of a one-track-Slayer-saving mind.

In a mopey ’90s folk rock montage, Willow sits in the bathroom and cries and Xander sits dejectedly in the library. You know, I have feelings about this. On the one hand, I get that Willow is shocked and disappointed because she has probably always felt/hoped that she and Xander would be each others’ firsts. And even though they’ve gone through the whole cheating subplot and she’s happy with Oz, it makes sense to grieve a childish hope. But at the same time, I feel like this revelation would have had more punch if it had happened closer to “Lovers Walk.” Like, maybe after “The Wish” or something (which would involve reshuffling episodes, I get that). Because waiting until now to explore the idea of Willow being upset at Xander losing his virginity to someone else feels like it weakens Willow’s commitment to Oz, or that she might still be wrestling with who she wants.

Faith is at home, lounging on her bed wearing shiny vinyl pants, a sheer blouse, full makeup and an updo. You know, how girls always look when they’re watching TV in bed on a weeknight. Xander comes to her door and tries to make small talk, and she relents and lets him come in. He tries to talk about the murder, but he won’t go along with her version of the events, making it clear that he doesn’t believe Buffy killed the guy. But he manages to do that and be supportive of Faith at the same time:

Xander: “Faith, you may not think so, but I sort of know you. I’ve seen you post-battle, and I know first-hand that you’re, um, like a wild thing and half the time, you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Faith: “And you’re living proof of that, aren’t you?”

Xander: “See, you’re trying to hurt me. But right now you need someone on your side. What happened wasn’t your fault. And I’m willing to testify to that in court, if you need me.”

Faith: “You’d dig that, wouldn’t you? To get up in front of all of your geek pals and go on record about how I made you my boytoy for a night.”

This whole thing is really Xander’s wheelhouse. Of all the characters on the show, he’s the one who’s more likely than any of them to talk sense into someone at a tough time. And it’s working because Faith responds by trying to make everything sexual. You know #32? This is an area of her characterization that’s negatively impacted by that over-sexualization. We know that in this scene, Faith is using her sexuality to deflect from her insecurity and fear. But wouldn’t it have packed more of a punch if we’d only ever seen her using her sexuality in this way during moments of obvious insecurity? I mean, we can go back and say to ourselves, “Well, she talked about sex all the time with Buffy because she was insecure about fitting into Buffy’s world,” etc., but Faith has been on default sex-crazy mode for the entire season. If we could remove about 50% of all of Faith’s sex talk throughout season three and kept only those instances where her cheeky comments are clearly covering up her insecurities, then this would have had more impact. This scene isn’t an example of #32, but it’s an example of how easy it is to take a complex character aspect and overuse it to the point that it becomes a caricature. And nobody even comments on Faith’s reliance on sex to cover up her insecurities until season seven!

Anyway, Faith pushes Xander onto the bed and starts grinding on him, despite him saying no and making it clear several times that he doesn’t want to have sex with her. She starts to choke him out, but Angel appears out of nowhere and clubs her with something. Faith comes to in Angel’s mansion, chained to a wall. She makes a comment about him tying her up (because again, Faith is never allowed a line, action, or emotion outside of her sexuality).

Angel: “Sorry about the chains. Not that I don’t trust you…actually, it is that I don’t trust you.”

Faith tells Angel that she and Xander were just “playing,” but Angel isn’t buying. It strikes me as funny that they actually mention safe words here (although they say “safety word” which may have been the proper terminology at the time. I wouldn’t know, I was still in high school). So much of this blog is about safe words. So much of it. And now, it’s creeping in here, like water rising on a sinking ship.

Anyway, Faith won’t talk to Angel. Buffy is waiting outside, and Angel tries to explain to her that Faith might not be saveable. Buffy doesn’t want to believe that, though, despite Angel explaining the impact of taking a human life.

At City Hall, The Mayor and Mr. Trick watch security footage of Buffy and Faith creeping around after them. The Mayor warns Mr. Trick that he has to take care of this Slayer issue like, pretty close to immediately.

At the mansion, Angel tries again to talk to Faith. He tries to connect with her on some darkity-dark level of fantasizing aloud about murder. It actually kind of works; she starts to panic about being chained up. She’s closer to wanting to listen:

Angel: “You and me, Faith, we’re a lot alike. Time was I thought humans existed just to hurt each other. Then I came here. And I found out that there are other types of people. People who genuinely wanted to do right. And they make mistakes. They fall down. But they keep caring. Keep trying. If you can trust us, Faith, this can all change. You don’t have to disappear into the darkness.”

Now would probably come the part where she’s receptive to what he has to say, and she might even come around and grow into a new person, capable of trust and empathy without fear.

That’s what would have happened. If a-hole Wesley didn’t fuck it all up. He bursts in with two other guys from the Council, who throw a net over Angel and beat him with batons.

Wesley unshackles Faith, but immediately handcuffs her, telling her:

Wesley: “By the order of the Watcher’s Council of Britain, I am exercising my authority and removing you to England, where you will accept the judgement of the disciplinary committee.”

So, wait, hang on. It’s the Watcher’s Council of Britain? Not the Watcher’s Council, full stop? This implies that there are other regions with their own Watcher councils. Like, the Watcher’s Council of North America, or the Watcher’s Council of Southern Africa. Specifying “Britain” leaves them with a pretty good hole through which they could introduce other Watchers and Slayers (and could potentially get them out of that pesky, “There is only one Slayer and it’s a good thing everything supernaturally catastrophic happens within walking distance of her house” problem), but since they never do that, it just makes me wonder why the British Watchers are hanging out in America.

Also a question I have? How is it that Wesley and one other guy can manhandle a struggling Faith out of the mansion on their own? Her hands are cuffed, but she’s conscious (and we’ve seen what she can do while handcuffed already). Even though this is Faith and not Buffy we’re talking about, I’m tagging this as #16, because it’s a case of Slayer strength suddenly going away for seemingly no reason.

And why didn’t they kill Angel? It makes no sense. Wesley is a by-the-book Watcher. They’ve got him on the floor, beaten and helpless, and all three council guys are like, yeah, let’s just let this one vampire go. The only reason Angel doesn’t get staked immediately is because he’s got his own spin-off he’s headed to. This is not a real convincing reason for a character to stay alive in otherwise fatal circumstances. Of course, it could also be that I’m basing this entirely on what Giles would do. We know Giles will fight monsters, but we don’t actually know whether or not he’s supposed to fight monsters. Maybe it’s something in the rule book. So, okay, I can let this one go. Have fun on your spin-off, Angel.

Faith rides in the back of a paddy wagon with Wesley and one of the other Watcher guys. And they’re both stupid. They’re so, so stupid. Wesley tells the other guy to tighten Faith’s restraints, which only hold her wrists. So when the dude gets close, Faith kicks him and pins his head to the floor with her foot, threatening to crush it if Wesley doesn’t unlock her shackles. He does, and headbutts him unconscious, then jumps out of the back of the truck.

Buffy finds Angel all tangled up in the net, and they go to the library, where they tell the rest of the gang that yup, the new idiot Watcher took Faith. Giles tells Buffy that the Council will lock Faith up for a long time, and Buffy is like, cool, let’s head to the airport and rescue her.

Willow: “Can I…I’m just wondering…why? I’m not the most subjective, I know. I kind of have an issue with Faith sharing my people. But she murdered someone and accused Buffy. Then she hurt Xander. I hate to say it, but maybe she belongs behind bars.”

This is a neat line because it makes the viewer feel split. A part of you already knows that Faith is a goner because that’s how stories work (especially when one-half of the dichotomy is blonde and the other is a brunette. It’s just math), but another part really wants her to be saveable. You want to agree with Willow, but you know that you can’t.

Wesley shows up and tells them that Faith has gotten away. The Scoobies immediately take action, splitting up to go to various places they might fight and recapture Faith.

Wesley: “What can I do? I want to help.”

Buffy: “Still got your ticket back to the mother country?”

Yeah. Fuck off, Wesley. You caused this problem because you breezed into a situation you knew absolutely dick about, thought you could take over, then you couldn’t handle it. You’re a liability, Wesley. Take a hike.

Buffy goes to the docks, where she finds Faith skulking around on a boat. I think movies and TV have given me an unrealistic perception of how easy it would be to just go on somebody else’s boat without getting caught. Anyway, Faith hops down and they have this confrontation:

Buffy: “Faith nobody is asking you to be like me. But you can’t go on like this.”

Faith: “Scares you, doesn’t it?”

Buffy: “Yeah, it scares me. Faith, you’re hurting people. You’re hurting yourself!”

Faith: “But that’s not it. That’s not what bothers you so much. What bugs you is you know I’m right. You know in your gut we don’t need the law. We are the law.”

And then almost immediately, Faith brings up sex again, talking about how Buffy had sex with a vampire. She uses this as an example for why she thinks Buffy needs Faith to be the one in control:

Faith: “You need me to toe the line ’cause you’re afraid you’ll go over it, aren’t you, B? You can’t handle watching me living my own way, having a blast, because it tempts you. You know it could be you.”

And then Buffy punches her. Which is arguably the correct response to a person who describes murder as “having a blast.” Faith is totally projecting here; it’s not that Buffy wants to be like Faith. It’s that Faith wants to be like Buffy, but the idea of facing what she’s done and committing to accept that she can make mistakes terrifies Faith.

Buffy sees a crate about to fall, and she pushes Faith out of the way, getting crushed herself in the process. Vampires attack Faith while Buffy struggles to get out from under the crate. When she finally frees herself, it’s Mr. Trick who’s there to attack her. Faith kills two of the vampires, but when she sees that Buffy is about to be killed, she hesitates. But she does the right thing, staking Mr. Trick, who deserved to die in a more climactic and important fashion. RIP, Mr. Trick. You were too good a villain to be wasted like this.

Back at the library, Buffy tells Giles that Faith could have left her to die. Faith has also apparently returned to Sunnydale, which is a good sign.

Giles: “She still has a lot to face before she can put this behind her.”

Buffy: “I’m not gonna give up on her.”

Giles: “Then I think she stands a chance.”

They both clearly know that this is a “lie to me” moment.

The Mayor is getting ready to leave the office for the night. He finds Faith outside his door:

Faith: “You sent your boy to kill me.”

The Mayor: “That’s right. I did.”

Faith: “He’s dust.”

The Mayor: “I thought he might be, what with you standing here and all.”

Faith: “I guess that means you have a job opening.”

The Mayor stands aside and lets Faith in, and the door closes on the end of the episode.

It’s probably not great to have a white character refer to another white character’s black employee as “your boy.” Can’t really let that one drift past without a #12.

So, this is the beginning of the Evil!Faith arc, and the real kick-off to the end of the season. From here on out, everything is rushing toward The Mayor’s ascension.

Since I said before that we can’t really judge these episodes on their own, it’s time to take them together as a whole. Overall, I feel like the concept of what constitutes unforgivable murder needs to be more clearly defined. Yes, Faith killed The Mayor’s aid. But he was a bad guy. He was doing shady dealings with vampires in an alley. Is it okay to kill a human being if they’re on the side of evil? If not…why not? These episodes never give us a clear reason to believe that what Faith did was unredeemable, even if the characters feel like they have a clear reason to believe it.

And while I realize that the show is Buffy the Vampire Slayer and not Faith the Vampire Slayer, very little time is spent with Faith as opposed to how much time is spent about Faith. The “accidents happen” speech that Giles gives Buffy is something he should have said to Faith. If she heard accidents happen and it’s not the end of the world, she might have been willing to forgive herself, without having to affect an outward persona of toughness. Faith doesn’t get treated right by the story here. Her fall into evil could have been avoided if the group had treated her like a person and not a problem.

Really, that’s been Faith’s treatment since she showed up. She’s not a person, she’s a potential problem. Every time that proves true, whether by her bad choice or someone else’s actions (the evil watcher, the Slayerfest mix-up, this whole thing with murdering Allan), it forces more of a wedge between her the people who are supposed to be her support system. And we hardly ever see Faith receive any guidance from Giles, the more experienced Watcher. In fact, the suspicion and exclusion of Faith by the Scoobies might actually be what pushes her into villain territory. Faith is very much a “hey, if you think I’m a fuck up, let me show you how much of a fuck up I can be” kind of person. She never stood a chance in the black-and-white morality of the show. That’s what makes her so tragic.

Overall, I really like these two episodes and the way they change the direction of the season. I just wish they could have tweaked a few things to make the murder less morally ambiguous (why not accidentally kill a bystander or someone else not directly involved in evil?), shown us Faith receiving (and rejecting) emotional support from more than just her peers, and it would have been nice if the “Faith is super sexy” thing hadn’t been overused to the point that it doesn’t pack as much significance to her characterization.

True Blood Tuesday S03E03 “It Hurts Me, Too”

Okey-dokey, you know the drill! Download it here, start it when the HBO sound/logo fade. Don’t sweat about getting them lined up just right, because my brain and mouth certainly never do.

A Definitive Ranking Of Every Song In Galavant. Every. Single. Song.

When people say, “2016 sucked!” and I say, “Yeah, fuck 2016, I hated it, too,” I am of course referring to hating how many people died and how shittily my country fucked its election into the poisoned, crumbling ground, but I’m also talking about the cancellation of ABC’s Galavant.

Now, let it be known from the start that I have never trusted ABC to make a good decision since I started watching television. Sure, they’ve got hits, but it’s their misses that define them in my pessimistic little heart. They let Steve Urkel become the focus of Family Matters and ruined the whole damn show (which was supposed to be about Harriet Winslow. Remember Harriet Winslow?). They cancelled Covington Cross, a medieval version of Bonanza that could have been great if they’d given it more of a shot and not sold its time slot to Ross Perrot (this is a true story). But their most recent egregious sin is the cancellation of its medieval musical sitcom epic.

Galavant is what would have happened if Mel Brooks had directed Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It’s packed to the brim with favorite medieval spoof conventions; peasants sing about coughing up blood, an evil king fantasizes about all the ways he’ll murder his sworn enemy, and a valiant hero who thinks way, way too much of himself sets off on a quest to save a damsel who isn’t all that interested in being saved, after all. Each episode is only a half-hour long, but they manage to pack them with enough story, silliness, and self-awareness for a full-length feature film.

But the best part of the show is the music. The condensed, snappy numbers are fully acknowledged in-universe; Galavant is set in a world where people sing their problems, arguments, and even passionate recaps of stuff that happened last week, and no one thinks it’s out of place. The songs are written by legendary Disney composer Alan Menken and Tangled lyricist Glenn Slater (whom I guess I now have to forgive for Love Never Dies), and while every single one of them is an irreplaceable gem, some are a little bit gemmy-er than others. So here, ranked low to high (from Madalena’s earrings to the Jewel of Valencia), is every musical number in Galavant.

Let it be known, however, that even though this list includes criticisms of the songs, in context they all work together to make pure, snarky, delightful magic. If you haven’t watched the show yet, put it on your to-watch list.

49. “Different Kind of Princess” A rock-and-roll princess who sings about not liking pink? This is a boring anthem for the Not-Like-Other-Girls girls out there. Plus, who puts in a line about unshaven armpits if the show isn’t willing to put an unshaven armpit on screen? It’s all or nothing, Galavant.

48. “Hey, Hey, We’re the Monks” (and its reprise) You’re going to write a song about monks who take a vow of singing and who are basically a boy band, but not write that number like a boy band song? Missed opportunity, Menken. Unless they were going for a Monkees joke that just didn’t translate due to not sounding anything like the Monkees at all. Guest star “Weird” Al tries to sell it, but I’m not buying.

47. “Comedy Gold” You’d think a song about teaching an unfunny person how to be funny would be, well, funnier. It’s basically a more murdery version of “Funny/The Duck Joke” from My Favorite Year.

46. “Stand Up” Musical criticism of action movie training sequence montages and their bombastic rock songs was funnier when Trey Parker and Matt Stone did it.

45. “Oy! What a Knight” Sung by Sid’s entire village, this is a standard Mel Brooks pastiche, complete with a tired joke about circumcision. Because you can’t have a comedy song sung by Jewish characters without mentioning the removal of foreskin, right?

44. “My Moment In The Sun” parts 1, 2, 3, 4 The running joke here is that the hero can never get to the last line of the song. Which is kind of a meh gag, considering how getting interrupted while singing is kind of Sid the squire’s thing. But hey, at least we get to hear Anthony Head sing.

43. “Goodnight My Friend” Musically similar to the superior “Goodbye”, this is your standard slow number that drags the end of the first act down. It’s still sweet, though.

42. “He Was There” and its reprise It’s really hard to make a tense relationship with a neglectful parent into a show-stopper, but bless them, they tried. Of course, I could be biased. Not because of my daddy issues, but because the role of Galavant’s father, originally played by my beloved Anthony Head, was recast for season two. And okay, maybe because of my daddy issues.

41. “Dance Until You Die” If Galavant had an equivalent to the Harry Potter franchise’s Wizard Rock, it would be this.

40. “A Real Life, Happily Ever After” For a romance as epic and satirical as the one between Galavant and Princess Isabella, this is oddly straightforward. It feels out of place with the other, less sentimental love songs we’ve grown to expect by the show’s end.

39. “A Day In Richard’s Life” After taking a potion from spiritual guide (and “herb” dealer) Xanax, King Richard is transported back to the day he became king. Though Ricky Gervais isn’t a great singer, it’s fun to watch a notorious skeptic sing about magic and mystical journeys.

38. “Time Is Of The Essence” Even though Galavant’s life hangs in the balance, healer Neo of Sporin takes his time in singing this frantic number. The rhythm of the vocal line recalls Alice In Wonderland‘s “I’m Late” and Company‘s “Not Getting Married Today.” Rapid fire, frantic lyrics are always a crowd pleaser in musical theatre.

37. “A Dark Season” Songs are often used to recap important exposition from past episodes, but “A Dark Season” prepares viewers for what’s to come in a bleak reprise of the season’s theme. It’s not really needed, though. It sets up a few visual gags, but on its own it’s really just telling us everything we already saw, much of it in the same episode.

36. “Will My Day Ever Come” A much better version of “Moment In The Sun.” Young King Richard duets with his disappointing older self in a pre-battle moment of doubt.

35. “Let’s Agree To Disagree” Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire’s famous “Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off” can hardly be improved, but “Let’s Agree To Disagree” comes close. All you have to do is swap out the dapper dancers for a crude, violent king and a vain, greedy queen and you’ve got a song that’s less about the pronunciation of “tomato” and more about crushing enemies and indulging in luxuries.

34. “Goodbye” If A Chorus Line and This Is Your Life abandoned their baby in a graveyard, it would grow up and write this near-death experience number.

33. “Togetherness (Reprise)” A more sincere ode to teamwork than the song it reprises, it makes up for its earnestness with the liberal application of pirates.

32. “Togetherness” Working together, wanting to kill each other, being friends, and falling in love don’t have to be mutually exclusive. By episode four, our heroic trio of Galavant, Sid, and Isabella are already tired of each other and we reap all the benefits in a catchy group number.

31. “If I Were A Jolly Blacksmith” This could either be a song about the simple life, or someone bullshitting his way through a job interview.

30. “Dwarves vs. Giants” In a fully ridiculous version of West Side Story‘s “Tonight Quintet,” rival gangs of short giants and tall dwarves prepare for battle. Cheeky nods to Stephen Sondheim’s influence on musical theatre are all over this series, but this is perhaps the most obvious (and hilarious) instance.

29. “Secret Mission” Sworn enemies endeavor to pull off a secret plot while trying to stay as quiet as possible. The fact that they’re drunk and singing loudly should be an obvious punchline, but it works, damnit, carried mostly by the chemistry between the actors.

28. “Lords of the Sea” I’ll admit it. This song is only this high on the list because it’s sung by Lord Grantham in an ankh earring and eyeliner. That alone is worth the price of my Netflix subscription.

27. “Galavant Recap” Just in case you forgot what happened in season two, the court jester belts out crucial exposition to patiently waiting warring armies in the middle of a dusty battlefield. It’s a much-welcomed reprise of the show’s stellar theme, which this viewer was missing terribly.

26. “Jackass In A Can” I feel like Menken can’t resist tavern scenes, and he plays to that strength here. Galavant learns through song what squires really think about their knights in a rousing number reminiscent of the Tangled duo’s “I’ve Got A Dream.”

25. “Finally” If I tried to quote just one lyric from this zombie-infused parody of Grease‘s “Summer Nights,” it would be…no, I can’t. Catchy pop numbers enthusiastically recounting tragically bad sex simply can’t be dissected so neatly.

24. “Love Is Strange” Everything that annoys you about the person you love, tallied up and sung in a heartfelt, somehow sweet duet.

23. “A Good Day To Die” and its reprise Things look bleak for our heroes, who prepare for battle not once, but twice, to this theme. The characters point out that it’s unlikely they’ll actually die since there’s a whole episode left to go (and they’re not on Game of Thrones), and it’s this self-awareness that pulls off the song and reels the audience in for the series finale.

22. “The Happiest Day of Your Life” Faced with an arranged marriage and an overzealous wedding planner, Princess Isabella mopes through this up-tempo rumba, until some dark magic turns her into the bridezilla you’ve always dreaded.

21. “What Am I Feeling?” Madalena’s cruel, cold-heart gets a shock when she realizes that she actually cares about something, and that’s the perfect time for a ballad about how shitty it is to have to care about things.

20. “I Don’t Like You” Is there anything more satisfying than two women singing bitchily at each other? In a non-Celine Dion/Barbara Streisand trying to out-sing each other way? On top of the clever lyrics, it sounds like a Spice Girls song, which is a double-checkmark in the “Pro” column.

19. “Season 2 Finale” “Weird” Al Yankovic returns to wrap up what will certainly be the end of the series, while leaving the door open for more plot, just in case. Since the fandom had a inkling that cancellation loomed, this song felt like a joyous celebration. “Look how far we came, being weird together,” it seemed to say, and cemented Galavant’s legacy as the absurd little show that could(ish).

18. “A New Season” It would have been easy enough to rehash the theme song from the first season, but the characters are far sicker of it than the audience could ever possibly be. When the title number causes pirates to voluntarily walk the plank, a change is in order. What better way for the cast to show their gratitude at the show’s surprise renewal than to give them a brand new opener to set the tone for their last, miraculous season? Bonus: The episode is titled “Suck It, Cancellation Bear.”

17. “She’ll Be Mine” This could have been a number cut from Monty Python’s Spamalot!. And I’m fine with that.

16. “Do the D’Dew” Even an angelic, pixie-cut-sporting Julie Andrews could have taught the Von Trapp children the Dark, Dark Evil Way with this one. The fact that it’s performed in part by stage legend Robert Lindsay doesn’t hurt, either.

15. “Off With His Shirt” Queer icon Kylie Minogue as the “Queen of all queens.” The tyrannical ruler of a gay bar takes our heroes captive in this season two disco number. You had me at “Kylie Minogue is the queen of a gay bar.” (Side note: after meeting while filming this scene, Kylie and Joshua Sasse are now engaged. Get it, Kylie.)

14. “Hero’s Journey” For a show as sarcastic and mocking as this one, “Hero’s Journey” is…well, it’s still sarcastic and mocking, but still oddly inspiring.

13. “As Good As It Gets” I could watch an entire show of just Gwendolyn and Chef. While the rest of the cast seems to be living in a Robin Hood: Men In Tights parody middle ages, this couple is surviving a Game of Thrones-esque feudal nightmare. This duet about their newly “upper-lower class” status includes nods to their lengthening tapeworms and a fancier way to cough up blood, yet somehow is still cheerful enough that you think their lot might not be so bad.

12. “I Love You (As Much As Someone Like Me Can Love Anyone) Sure, Queen Madalena is a malignant narcissist with sociopathic tendencies, but at least she owns it. Is there a better way to ask your ex to stay on as your boy toy than in a rousing tango number? If there is, I just won’t know what to believe in anymore.

11. “Build A New Tomorrow Here Today” Democracy laid painfully bare in under two-minutes, complete with up-tempo oppression of cheerfully marginalized citizens. It’s a toe-tappingly bleak earworm.

10. “No One But You” Queen Madalena’s ode to herself, sung to herself as she’s accompanied by a veritable choir of herself is Menken’s made-for-TV redo of “Gaston,” but somehow more egotistical.

9. “A Happy Ending For Us” Peasants plotting all the ways they could murder the upper class in a cheerful, Cole Porter-style duet probably wouldn’t work for any other musical, but here it fits in just right.

8. “Today We Rise” How “Do You Hear The People Sing” should have gone if Enjolras was being brutally honest with everyone.

7. “If I Could Share My Life With You” Basically “Sixteen Going On Seventeen” but about misery, plague, and infant mortality. A+

6. “The World’s Best Kiss” and its reprise If Galavant gets one thing right (shut your blasphemous mouth, it gets everything right), it’s the realistic expectations it sets for romance. Even though their first and only kiss was gross, awkward, and way too yeasty-tasting, it was at least memorable, if bittersweet.

5. “Love Makes The World Brand New” Love, as described by someone who’s never had a tender feeling a day in his life, sung in the voice of that guy at the bar who may or may not have killed somebody in the past and who may or may not kill again. Probably for fun.

4. “Maybe You’re Not the Worst Thing Ever” A quartet about not loving someone, not really liking them, either, but accepting that sometimes you just have to find something good about a seemingly irredeemable person, this is another Bizzaro love song from a romantically pessimistic fairytale.

3. “Serenade (Maybe You Won’t Die Alone)” This is what The Little Mermaid‘s Sebastian was really thinking while singing the sweet lyrics to “Kiss The Girl.” Menken pokes fun at his own work throughout the series, but this Mariachi matchmaking number is the most obvious and delightful instance.

2. “Galavant” (and all of its subsequent season one reprises) From the opening number of the entire series to a framing device utterly rejected after wearing out its welcome by season two, the first performance of the song lets viewers know exactly what they’re in for: a hero who’s a “fairytale cliche,” his fair maiden who has “cleavage you could throw a whole parade in,” and an evil king’s plot to marry her. The show is immediately self-aware in this audience-finding opener; by the end of the song, you’re either in or you’re out.

1. “My Dragon Pal and Me” Have you ever felt like the world was ganging up on you, and you needed someone to super believe in you? This is the song for you. Whenever you’re having a bad day, remember that if you have faith in yourself, you’ll one day watch your enemies writhe in pain, disemboweled by a dragon. In the end, isn’t that what we’re all really hoping for? The titular dragon, Tad Cooper, became a rallying symbol for fans who super believed in the show in the face of seemingly insurmountable ratings odds. And you know what? We all still super believe.

You can watch Galavant on Netflix, Hulu, Youtube, and Amazon Video, and I highly suggest you do so. Alan Menken has said he’d like to see a stage version in the future, so keep your fingers crossed and always, always super believe in Tad Cooper.

Wait, Where Did Your Patreon Go, Jenny?

If you’re one of the rad people who pledged to me on Patreon, you might be wondering, “Wait, why didn’t my pledge to Jenny get charged this month?”

I quit Patreon.

Hear me out on this one. I haven’t forgotten the original reason for starting the Patreon in the first place. Some of you were asking how you could show your support and appreciation for the blog without buying my books (because they’re not your genre or for whatever reason that I totally get; I’m not required reading), and Patreon seemed like a good solution. For a while, it totally was.

But then it wasn’t. Not because of anything you did, or anything Patreon did. It’s what my mind did.

Remember on Monday, when I mentioned how I needed to start doing things without monetizing them? When I started this blog, it was because I was told I should. Publishers noticed that blogging was a thing, and of course this meant that authors had to do the thing, because it might make the publishers money. Blogging was touted as a marketing tool. You’d go to an industry conference and at least two panels would mention something about the importance of having a blog (this was pre-Twitter and Facebook, which is the new “what do you mean you don’t have [thing]?!” of writing conferences). So, I started a blog, and I didn’t really know what to do with it. It seemed like all anyone wanted authors to blog about was writing. We were supposed to take some of our writing time and use it to write about writing so that other writers could read it and it would help their writing.

Okay, so, some authors really, really love talking/reading/teaching about craft. One of my dear author friends is like this. I’ve never been inside her house, but my assumption is that her furniture is built entirely of books on craft. There’s nothing wrong with being into learning, and it would be silly of me to sit here and be like, “You don’t need to learn the craft and mechanics of storytelling!” because that’s bad advice. Of course you need to learn it. But when I read a book about writing, I’m hating it 100% of the time. So why the frick would I want to blog about it?

So basically all I did was blog stupid shit until one day it became relevant. That’s the key to blogging success, by the way. Just start doing a thing and never stop doing that thing until someone notices or you die an unappreciated genius.

I really enjoy blogging and putting stuff up here and talking to all you guys about it, but then I went and monetized it. Then it became a job. And I started to panic. Oh man, people were giving me money every month to do this. That meant there had to be some kind of value. And oh my god, what if I couldn’t deliver the next chapter of Biter (which I’m still working on and do plan to release) or The Afflicted (again, not abandoned, but shit happened last year)? What if I went a whole week without a post? What if I went a whole month without a recap?

So, there I was, panicky and burned out and trying not to panic because it would burn me out, but my burn out was making me panic. It was a nightmare and I locked up and wrote very little in the last quarter of the year. I decided, you know, I have to make a change.

Closing down my Patreon was the only way I could refresh my mind and my attitude toward blogging. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate you guys throwing your hard earned dollars at me. It’s just that it was making this space a job, when it used to be a fun thing. And while it definitely still benefits my job (because I have a built-in audience I can show my covers and tell my plans to), this was all so much more fun before I had that pressure.

So, to make a long story short

basically, I want blogging to be fun again and I can’t do that if someone is giving me money for it. So, thank you for your cash, I promise I spent it irresponsibly on shit that I didn’t need, and keep on rocking in the free world.