Kristen Lamb's Blog, page 89

The Most Powerful Social Media Tool for Building an Author Platform-Part 1

Image courtesy of Kristy K. James via WANA Commons

There are few tools more powerful for creating a brand than a good author blog. The Digital Age is fast-paced, and information is fleeting. Many of us are struggling in a sea of 0s and 1s for something of substance to hold onto. We all know social media is vital to any author career, but we are also aware that modern audiences seem to have the attention span of a crack-addicted Pomeranian, and social media sites are not exactly known for possessing long shelf-lives.

Even the leviathan Facebook seems vulnerable to the shifting tastes and preferences of an increasingly distracted audience. What is an author to do?

There are a number of reasons why blogs can be a superior tool for constructing a platform. Because I have promised brevity, we will discuss them one at a time. The first reason I feel blogs are one of the best social media tools for building an author platform is simply:

Blogs are More Resilient

Facebook and Twitter are not immune to going the way of Friendster and MySpace, and “Gather”-ing dust. It seems the second some new craze hits the scene and gains traction, the old site loses participation. As the participation declines, the “formerly hip” social site is then forced to sell more ad space to make up for the losses. More ads irritate remaining users who then flood to the new shiny site that has fewer annoying ads, while old site dies a lonely death in the cold vacuum of cyberspace.

Blogs, on the other hand, can be done off the author’s own web site, so the author has total control. Even those who want to use one of the more popular blogging platforms like WordPress will still enjoy a similar advantage. Why? Blogs have a simple and timeless goal—share thoughts, information, stories and observations via words. That’s it. Simple.

Notice how similar the mission is to books.

There are all kinds of blogs. Some are funny, informational, anecdotal, and some use just pictures, but they are all still basically the same, and they aren’t going to change.  WordPress might offer new sharing tools or plug-ins. They might offer upgrades and fancy backgrounds, but the overall experience people are looking for remains fairly unchanged. We go to blogs to be informed or entertained.

Again, much like books.

Blogs will remain until we take them down or the Internet implodes, and, if the Internet implodes, we have far bigger problems than our author brand. Thus, I would have to say that in a sea of shiny distractions, one of the best investments is a good blog (that leaves plenty of time for our most important activity—writing more books).

If you want to learn how to create a good author blog that appeals to readers not just other writers, please sign up for my next class. Registration is now open and there are all types of packages for every price range. The class can be done at your own pace and in your own time and you will have a team of support.

And, yes there are already too many blogs, but there are too many books, too and that hasn’t stopped any of us from wanting to write them . I am here to help shorten your learning curve and offer you a system of support you likely won’t get from home (if your family is anything like mine was).

What are your thoughts? Who are some of your favorite bloggers? What do you think makes a blog bad, boring, unappealing? Some of the WANAs out there, share your success stories. Brag! You worked for it!

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of January, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: December’s winner is Steph Scottil. Please send your 5000 word Word document or your synopsis (no more than 1000 words and in a WORD doc) OR your query letter to my assistant Chad at c carver at wana intl dot com.

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of January I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

I also hope you pick up copies of my best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer . And both are recommended by the hottest agents and biggest authors in the biz. My methods teach you how to make building your author platform FUN. Build a platform and still have time left to write great books.

Want to Be a Successful Author? Burn Your Ships

Original image via Karen Lynn Klink WANA Commons

Want to be a professional author? A successful professional author? To become more than what others are, we must be willing to do what others won’t. We must go where they fear to tread.

We must burn our ships.

When Alexander the Great arrived on the shores of Persia, his forces were hopelessly outnumbered, and yet he gave the shocking order to burn all the boats. Legend tells us that he turned to his men and declared, “We go home in Persian ships or we die.”

Your day job is a means, not an end. It is no longer a safe retreat in the event of failure. Cast off your fear. Let go of the voices in your head, the siren’s song to play it “safe.”

Safe=DEATH

Lash yourself to your desire to be a novelist. You are not an “aspiring author.” You are a pre-published author and the rest is just details. Having too many “escape routes” and “backup plans” diffuses energy and focus. It affords too many opportunities to make excuses.

Years ago, when I decided to become an author, I burned the ship of “working in sales.” Sales paid well. Really well. It also came with a company car, an expense account and the admiration of others because I had a “great job.” When I vowed to be come a professional author, I burned that ship.

Sure, it meant living with my mother, shopping for my clothes at Goodwill, and losing most of my “friends.” It also meant avoiding most of my family because they 1) thought I’d lost my mind and 2) they kept finding me “real jobs.”

To gain everything we must lose everything. We can try and keep a foot in both worlds, but it has a price.

Many of you have families depending on you, so I’m not suggesting you go pull a Kevin Spacey on your boss. What I am suggesting is total focused commitment. Make writing your priority.

I burned the “sales ship” but I allowed myself to take the “writing ship” even when that meant hopping on the “dinghy of writing instructions for software” (which kinda just made me want to put my head in a wood-chipper). But, at least I was writing. Eventually, I had to burn the tech writing ship. It paid too well and kept me from my dream of being an author.

Expect to burn numerous ships along the way, but do it. Commit.

Burning our ships isn’t easy. My recommendation? Blogging is a great intermediary ship. It accomplishes a lot at one time:

1) Blogging is writing.

2) Blogging develops discipline & trains us to keep a professional pace and meet self-imposed deadlines.

3) Blogging builds a permanent platform far more resistant than any other form of social media.

4) Blogs can eventually be harvested for content and made into books.

5) Blogging (the WANA way) cultivates your 1000 true fans.

My methods harness the same imagination you use in your fiction, and teaches you how to blog in ways that connect to readers, not just other writers.

We don’t need more writers writing about writing, and we certainly don’t need another writing blog. Readers don’t read them.

The WANA approach is efficient and an ideal choice for those who still have to “clock in” for the meantime and registration is now open for my Blogging for Author Brand class. A WANA class is more than lessons. You will be surrounded by fellow soldiers writers, a permanent team to help you keep charging when you desperately want to go back. Why?

Because we burned our ships, too.

You must trust  in others or success is impossible.

~The Clone Wars

We are not alone.

What are your thoughts? What do you fear? What is keeping you from “burning your ships”? Have you burned your ships successfully? What advice would you offer? Tell us how you did it. For the WANAs out there, maybe share your story. Did being a WANA make burning your ships easier?

I love hearing from you!

How to Quit a Job with Kevin Spacey (caution: adult language and content)

To prove it and show my love, for the month of January, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: December’s winner is Steph Scottil. Please send your 5000 word Word document or your synopsis (no more than 1000 words and in a WORD doc) OR your query letter to my assistant Chad at c carver at wana intl dot com.

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of January I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

I also hope you pick up copies of my best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer . And both are recommended by the hottest agents and biggest authors in the biz. My methods teach you how to make building your author platform FUN. Build a platform and still have time left to write great books.

Foreshadowing & Chekhov’s Gun–Don’t Blow It

Photo via LE Carmichael WANA Commons

The best way to have a successful novel is to learn to be a master at generating tension and conflict on every page. Of course we need to have an overall story problem that the protagonist needs to resolve by the end of the story. But, a lot of the story tension responsible for turning pages will be generated by things other than the Big Boss Troublemaker (antagonist responsible for the main story problem in need of solving).

Bad choices, baggage, close-range antagonists, false starts, wrong turns, protag’s immaturity are all ways we can keep readers wanting more. We generate questions that beg answers and give just enough for the reader to keep going, but not enough for the reader to feel quite satisfied.

If we don’t generate questions needing answers, the reader grows quickly bored. On the other hand, if we never give even little answers, the reader will grow frustrated.

It’s a fine balance to strike and one that requires simple practice and study to master.

One fabulous tool for generating tension is foreshadowing. This is where we hint that something will happen or be necessary later in the story. Ah, but as artists we need to make sure that every loop is closed by the end or we risk annoying the reader. It’s Chekhov’s Gun—never introduce a gun in Act I that we don’t intend on firing by Act III.

Readers are perceptive. In fact, we as writers are counting on readers to be perceptive otherwise foreshadowing won’t work. Right? Ah, but as I said, readers are perceptive, so if we merely introduce some element because we need a contrivance to keep a reader hooked? They can catch that, too, and that’s bad juju.

I happen to love scary movies and thrillers. This past weekend I watched The House at The End of the Street, which is actually a really good movie to watch for an example of how NOT to use foreshadowing. Now, the movie is fun to watch for a decent an okay thriller and there were some great storytelling elements, namely how to hide the real antagonist by masking him with diversionary antagonists (tactic used in most mysteries).

But, though the movie was fun, the ONE THING that bugged me was a lighter. The mom keeps playing with this Zippo lighter that belonged to her ex-husband who was in a band. She plays with the lighter in Act I. Daughter even mentions this. Mom plays with the lighter in Act II and the camera even focuses on the lighter.

Ooooooh. Something important about this lighter.

***SEMI-SPOILER ALERT***

In ACT III, when real bad guy is revealed, Mom is critically injured and protagonist gets a hold of a gun. She fires, hitting three propane tanks which we hear start leaking gas. 

Cool thing is at least movie people did their homework watched Mythbusters, and at least knew that shooting propane tanks (despite what zombie FPS games show) DO NOT explode when we shoot them. But, they DID make them leak GAS after SHOWING US A LIGHTER TWO FREAKING TIMES!!!!!!

*smooths shirt*

It is at THIS point I expect Mom to dramatically toss daughter Dad’s Zippo and as they haul tail out of there, they blow bad guy into the troposphere. Aha! Dad never paid child support, but at least if he wasn’t useful, his LIGHTER was useful.

Nope.

Lighter is never mentioned or shown again and no BOOM! and I was super bugged.

DON’T FORESHADOW WITHOUT CLOSING THE THREAD *eye twitches*

In your story, feel free to show guns, knives, lighters, totems, personal items, diaries, letters, and kittens using grenade launchers, but if we focus on them, they must serve a purpose other than filling space.

Okay, kittens using grenade launchers are okay, but only cuz they’re super cool and not used nearly enough in literary fiction.

Anywayyyyyy….

Here’s the trailer for those interested. Bad and okay movies are good homework, because they show us what NOT to do. Ask yourself—Why was I bored? Where did I lose interest? Why did I want Such-And-Such character to be devoured by voodoo-undie-fleas?

*cough Anakin Skywalker*

As I said, this movie is an okay flick, but the lighter thing bugged me and so now it will bug you too!

MUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

What do you think? What are some of the best uses of foreshadowing you’ve seen or read? What are some of the worst?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of January, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: December’s winner is Steph Scottil. Please send your 5000 word Word document or your synopsis (no more than 1000 words and in a WORD doc) OR your query letter to my assistant Chad at c carver at wana intl dot com.

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of January I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

I also hope you pick up copies of my best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer . And both are recommended by the hottest agents and biggest authors in the biz. My methods teach you how to make building your author platform FUN. Build a platform and still have time left to write great books.

Agent Secrets–Do Writers Need an Agent in the New Publishing Paradigm?

Signs of a bad agent.

Hey Guys! I know it’s a wild and crazy world. Indie and self-publishing are exploding while traditional publishing is struggling to reinvent itself in the Digital Age. Yet, here’s the thing. Even if you go it alone, it is still a good idea to have an agent. There are contracts and film rights and foreign rights and pillow fights and…

Okay, I’m going to just shut up about this, because I am NOT an agent.

All right, I AM a secret spy agent in my own mind, but that’s totally different.

One of the reasons I LOVE Laurie McLean (my guest today) is that she’s seriously fun. But, aside from that, she’s been one of the most forward-thinking literary agents I’ve been blessed enough to meet.

Years ago, when MySpace still roamed the Earth, Laurie attended the very first Twitter class I’d ever taught. When other agents wouldn’t have been caught dead learning how to tweet (“because Facebook was just a fad”), Laurie attended and TOOK NOTES. She’s kind, brilliant, and VERY visionary and trust me when I tell you we are all very blessed to have her at WANA International.

So take it away Laurie!

***

If I had a live camera feed into every home around the world (which is a very creepy idea, but stay with me for a minute), each January I would be able to see a huge percentage of writers penning the resolution:

“This is the year I get a literary agent!”

It’s a great goal. Agents can be very helpful in not only getting you a publishing deal, but educating you on the business of publishing, helping you create and promote your author brand, making you a better writer, and basically having your back in the coldhearted world where you’ve decided to build your career.

Some agent relationships last longer than a marriage, so it’s important to know what you’re getting into when you accept an agent’s offer of representation. What you really need are some inside answers (along with working on your craft until you are proficient enough to succeed in being published) to speed you on your way.

I’ve been a literary agent for eight years now and I’ve amassed a huge arsenal of information that I am happy to share with writers. I’ve put them all into a presentation called AGENT SECRETS.

It explains what an agent does, how to find one, the best way to score representation by an agent, how to have a great client-agent relationship, what to watch out for, etc. I’m giving a super-cheap webinar where I reveal these secrets to anyone who has $25 and 90 minutes to spend with me. It’s a great way to start the year off right.

Here’s an example of some agent secrets:

What does an agent do? At the most basic level, a literary agent is an author’s business partner. An agent locates a publisher interested in buying an author’s writing and then negotiates a deal. But a literary agent is so much more than that. An agent is:

* A scout who constantly researches what publishers are looking for

* An advocate for an author and his or her work

* A midwife who assists with the birth of a writing project

* A reminder who keeps the author on track if things begin to slip

* An editor for that last push before submission

* A critic who will tell authors what they need to hear in order to improve

* A matchmaker who knows the exact editors for an author’s type of writing

* A negotiator who will fight to get the best deal for an author

* A mediator who can step in between author and publisher to fix problems

* A reality check if an author gets out of sync with the real world

* A liaison between the publishing community and the author

* A cheerleader for an author’s work or style

* A focal point for subsidiary, foreign and dramatic rights

* A mentor who will assist in developing an author’s career

* A rainmaker who can get additional writing work for an author

* A career coach for all aspects of your writing future

* An educator about changes in the publishing industry

* A manager of the business side of your writing life

I bet you didn’t know an agent did all those things, did you? You only wanted one to get a book deal, right? Well, agents do all this and more. With the publishing industry changing as much as it’s done in the past four years, I think you need a savvy agent more than ever as a guide through the literary jungle.

So I hope you’ll join me for an evening of fun and enlightenment…an evening of secrets. To register, go to WANA International and sign up NOW…

…or Kristen gets the hose .

I love hearing from you guys, so leave a comment, but better? TAKE THE CLASS. Best? Leave a comment AND taker her class.

Yes, I get lonely and you guys are my only tether to the outside world.

How Many Licks, um Books, Does It Take to Get to the Top of the Best-Seller List?

Image courtesy of The Dork Side

Most of us, especially when we’re new, want our first short story to be a major contest winner or our first novel to be a runaway success. That’s natural. Of course, this is not reality for us mere mortals.

Just like most of us never picked up a violin and magically busted out a flawless rendition of Flight of the Bumblebee, most of us won’t sit down and write a work that hits the New York Times best-seller list the first go round (or that sells a bazillion copies on Amazon, if you’re an indie).

Yeah, I was bummed, too.

Writing, like most other things, follows the Law of 10,000 Hours (Read Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers for more). 10,000 hours of dedicated practice/work/study/training seems to be the magic number that separates the successful professional from everyone else.

Whether it is gymnastics, ballet, playing the ukelele, or writing, practice is key if we want to become masters of our pursuit.

*shock face* :O

This is why we need to write as often as possible, and it’s HUGE reason I am a proponent of writers learning to blog. Blogging can help accelerate the path to mastery, and has an added benefit of helping build a lasting author platform that can help drive sales.

History demonstrates time and again that it takes roughly 10,000 hours (or a million words, depending on who we listen to) to reach the status of true artist and masters of our craft.

Additionally, most authors write at least three books before they start seeing success, which is part of why successful novelists like Bob Mayer, Joe Konrath, and John Locke are constantly telling writers to do less tweeting and more writing. They’re correct. Write, write, write. Great to have a social platform, but we need books to sell or the platform is merely a monument to our Facebook skills.

Guess how long it takes to write three novels?

About 10,000 hours.

Three books minimum.

Thus, all you indie/self-pub authors who put your first book up for sale and you haven’t sold enough copies to buy tacos? Keep writing. 10,000 hours. 3 books. Traditional authors? Three books. Rare is the exception.

The more we write, the better we get (ideally). If the first novel is “eh” keep writing. To paraphrase some Monty Python:

I wrote a book! …and it sank into the swamp.

So, I wrote another book! It, too, sank into the swamp.

So, I wrote another book! …. And it caught fire, fell over…and sank into the swamp.

But the fourth book, THE FOURTH BOOK STOOD.

Happy writing! And follow The Dork Side on Facebook if you want to laugh regularly.

What are your thoughts? Do you agree? Disagree? How much practice do you do daily? How much did you write before you started actually thinking your writing was any good…and other people didn’t run away bleeding from the ears?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of January, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: December’s winner will be announced Monday.

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of January I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

I also hope you pick up copies of my best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer . And both are recommended by the hottest agents and biggest authors in the biz. My methods teach you how to make building your author platform FUN. Build a platform and still have time left to write great books.

Blogging for Authors, and How a Banana Slicer Saved My Marriage

Image via Myndi Shafer WANA Commons

Whenever I teach writers about blogging, my first challenge is to talk them off the ledge from panic. What do I TALK about? I have no IDEAAAAASSSS!

*breathes into paper bag*

And I truly understand this panic, because a lot of social media experts advise writers to blog in a way that is very left-brain.

Write about writing.

Write about the industry.

Write about your process.

Write about your research.

Write about your books.

Write essays.

Write about getting an agent.

Conduct interviews.

Do book reviews.

Yet, here’s the thing, writers (especially fiction writers) are CREATIVE people. We are storytellers. When we blog merely on information, we engage the left-side of the brain, but our fiction engages the RIGHT side of the brain.

Why are we trying to build a following/fan base for a right-brain product with a left-brain TOOL?

Craft, the industry, our process, our research are our tools for our art, but they ARE NOT our art. Readers, or potential readers ARE NOT interested in the tools of our trade, rather they want to see how we USE those tools. Regular people (readers) are interested in the art, which is merely the unique “set of eyes” that permits writers to see what others can’t (but secretly wish they could).

EVERY product marketed uses the right side of the brain, from razor blades to duct tape. Madison Avenue wants us to see Michelin tires and think safety. They want cheap body wash to give us an “organic experience”, or why else pay an attractive actress to go all When Harry Met Sally with soap and a loofah on prime-time TV?

If virtually EVERY product sold uses emotion, then why do we think we are going to get traction pumping out a constant stream of information?

Writers are not, per se, experts at teaching craft or discussing changes in the industry. We are artists. A writer’s expertise is looking at the world in a unique way mere mortals can’t. THAT is what readers (fans) gravitate to. They rely on us to focus in on something they would have walked right past and make that unexceptional object or event magical.

Writers look at ordinary things in extraordinary ways. Want to be a great writer? Pay attention, REAL attention to the world around you and get good at seeing/and selling with artist eyes. Great blogging uses the world as your muse…JUST LIKE YOUR FICTION.

The best examples of this technique (that I’ve witnessed) are some of the people who leave reviews on Amazon. There are reviews that go viral simply because a reviewer had some fun (maybe a writer by trade or a regular person moonlighting as a writer for a brief moment). They took the time to elevate the ordinary to the extraordinary…and people LOVE reading what they have to say because they are FABULOUS storytellers.

I selected these entries from this banana-slicer review at Amazon, which is just page after page of gasping-for-air-clutching-one’s-sides-delight. I think I may have found my kindred spirits here. But watch how they take something so vanilla and unmemorable and turn it into something you can’t wait to share…by using the power of story.

And frankly, these reviews make me want to buy stuff. I actually just BOUGHT the Hutzler banana slicer even though I am allergic to bananas. Why? Because, I know when I’m having a bad day, I will be able to retrieve my slicer from my kitchen drawer and get a really good laugh. I am so grateful for these armchair artists, and honored to share their writing here. I hope you will go give them the 5 star reviews they deserve…and maybe buy a banana slicer to save your marriage, too.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

20,689 of 20,850 people found the following review helpful.

5.0 out of 5 stars No more winning for you, Mr. Banana! March 3, 2011

By SW3K

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands.

99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed.

No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story. Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.

10,707 of 10,801 people found the following review helpful.

5.0 out of 5 stars Saved my marriage July 30, 2012

By Mrs Toledo

What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!”

These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking.

THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars my life is changed forever, January 9, 2013

By

TheMightyBahamut – See all my reviews

This review is from: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (Kitchen)

All my life I have been wondering how to make a banana into small bite sized pieces.I spent my childhood in a basement practicing on smaller fruits like grapes before graduating to plums and even small peaches.

My parents became concerned when household fruits would turn up missing, and the day they found me hiding in the bushes enthralled with my dissection of a large apple, they decided I had a problem.

As I reached adulthood my need to slice open fruits was becoming unbearable. I would gaze longingly at bananas in the store, wondering how best to slice open their delicate flesh so I may feel their moist sticky insides. I made my first clumsy attempt around age 25.

When no one was looking I snatched a small banana from its companions, and brought it to my basement. It was a disaster, my knife-work just left a smashed and uneven mess, so I buried it in the woods lest anyone stumble upon my grizzly handiwork.

Finally I found the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. I used it on the next unattended banana I saw, and discovered I could now cut up and dispose of an entire banana in one swift movement! I can do it in mere seconds, or slowly lower the slicer, prolonging the ecstasy I feel seeing the bananas flesh torn open.

Thank you Hutzler 751, because of you my basement walls are lined with the peels of hundreds of bananas, and I am currently working on a mask made from the peels of all my victims sewn together.

What are your thoughts? Opinions? What is the best item you’ve ever seen reviewed? Do you think this might be a good way to practice those blogging muscles? Go write these kinds of reviews. Hey, it helps the product AND gives us practice. Something to noodle over at least .

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of January, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: December’s winner will be announced Monday.

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of January I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

I also hope you pick up copies of my best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer . And both are recommended by the hottest agents and biggest authors in the biz. My methods teach you how to make building your author platform FUN. Build a platform and still have time left to write great books.

10 Ways for an ADD Writer to be OOH! SHINY!…Productive

Image via Marie Loughin WANA Commons

In the comments in yesterday’s post, my good pal Richard Snow asked how I somehow manage to get a lot of stuff done, despite my having the attention span of a fruit fly…with a bad crack habit. Here are 10 ways to help you be productive even if OOH! SHINY!

…even if you tend to be a tad ADD. The following tips are what help ME stay focused. I am NOT a doctor or psychologist or ADD expert. I’m a Jedi master, warp engine inspector, and WRITER so you get what you get.

1. Make lists.

I get distracted easily, so a list reminds me of what I need to get accomplished. I make separate lists—housework, fiction, non-fiction, business stuff, global domination using sea monkeys. Then, once I have the list, I do the hardest thing on my writing and business lists FIRST (housework can’t wait).

Like Covey says, Never mistake the urgent for the important.

2. Understand that feelings are pathological liars.

Writing is a profession, not a playpen. Professionals ignore their feelings and do it anyway. Only children, amateurs and  The Long Island Medium listen to their feelings. Feelings are fickle, lazy, and secretly jealous of your work and a tad pissed that you no longer hang out with them as much as you used to. The secret to success is to work your tail off. Be willing get up earlier and stay up later than others. Be willing to do what others won’t.

But I wanna write books. I don’t wanna do social media, toooooo. It’s haaaaard.

Yes. It is. There are many reasons this profession is not for everyone.

3. Use The Force…of Self-Discipline

Who cares HOW you get things done, so long as they get done?

I use the “Swiss cheese” approach. I have my list and I take bite after bite after bite until the work is finished. Every book can be written in 250, 500, or 1,000 word bites. I CANNOT work linearly, so I don’t try and yes I was always in trouble in school but public schools were designed to train factory workers and corporate mind slaves, not people who get paid to play with imaginary friends.

4. Mix it up.

I am a writer, wife, entrepreneur, teacher, and mom who has yet to make enough money to afford servants (which sucks), and cats make lousy slaves. This means I get to do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and housework. Write your 200 words, fold a load of whites, empty the dishwasher, then write another 200 words.

5. Suck it up.

Understand that sometimes we will have to sit for a long time and focus. It’s hard. Whaaaaaaahhhhh, but anyone who thinks being a writer is a fluffy hamster dream has been hanging out with their feelings…and feelings lie, sabotage and will talk you into living on ice cream and cookie sprinkles.

6. Make mean writer friends.

Yes, the Swiss cheese approach works well for people with ADD, and yes, there are times we need to duct tape our a$$es to the chair. This is why I befriend really mean people who kinda scare me. I recommend Piper Bayard, Chad Carver, Jenny Hansen and Rachel Funk Heller. On the surface they are funny and sweet and would do anything for a friend…but that’s the issue. They will do anything for a friend, including ordering a hit on my X-Box 360.

7. Ditch loser friends.

We all have them or have had them. People who like to complain, make excuses, indulge in their feelings all the time. People who have a new dream every other week. I wanna be an astronaut, no a writer, no a vacuum salesman, no a journalist!

Ditch writers (and other people) who believe in luck, not work. Laziness, apathy, and whining are contagious. Treat excuses like EBOLA. A friend coughs blood excuses all over you, and, within two to three days, you start coughing up blood excuses, too…until your dream of being a writer liquifies and bleeds out and I hope you’re happy with yourself.

Killer.

8. Forget perfection.

Perfection is an urban legend, started by Feelings (because Feelings are a needy boyfriend/girlfriend who don’t understand the world does not revolve around them.) The world doesn’t reward perfectionist; it rewards finishers. Often we lose focus on what we are REALLY doing, because we are getting sidetracked with nitpicking.

9. Exercise.

Often ADD can be fueled by being too sedentary. Human bodies were not designed to sit on their @$$e$ all day. Ever have a puppy that chews everything and is into everything and short of strapping itself to a rocket is just being a GIANT PAIN IN THE @$$?

How do you get it to behave? Put on roller blades and run puppy until puppy wants to slip into something more comfortable…like a coma. ADD people are human puppies, so stop piddling on the carpet…I mean, go get a little exercise and your focus will generally improve.

10. Drink lots of water.

Human bodies are a hydroelectric system, and water enhances conductivity. Cool writer ideas/thoughts work this way. Muse Pixies of Awesomeness are conducted through your brain to your fingers and they bring the cool story stuff. MPAs like to travel via fairy, or ferry on WATER. They can’t travel if the waterways are too dry and moor them on a cookie sprinkle…and then you can’t focus.

It’s science. Don’t argue.

I hope these tips help. Off to get my tail to Seattle and hopefully back to Texas! What about you guys? Those of you ADD folk out there who’ve paid attention to this point, first of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

…now back in your hole.

It writes the words or it gets the hose.

What are your thoughts? Struggles? Tips? Words of wisdom. It’s okay. You have permission to get back in your hole after you comment .

It rubs the elbow grease on. IT RUBS THE ELBOW GREASE ON! *pets fluffy white dog*

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of January, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: December’s winner will be announced when I return from Seattle.

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of January I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

I also hope you pick up copies of my best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer . And both are recommended by the hottest agents and biggest authors in the biz. My methods teach you how to make building your author platform FUN. Build a platform and still have time left to write great books.

Writing Tip #3–Talent is Cheaper than Table Salt

Image via David Farmer WANA Commons

I’ve been working as a professional editor, writer, ferret-herder for twelve years now, and one thing I’ve learned is that talent is highly overrated (which is why this quote by Stephen King remains one of my all-time favorites). I constantly meet writers more talented than I am, but I know they won’t make it despite their superior abilities.

Why?

Because they’re lazy.

I once had a boyfriend with an IQ so high it couldn’t be accurately measured. I met him when I was teaching Ju-Jitsu part time while I attended college. This boyfriend showed every class he could for about three months. He’d arrive early and stay late and practice until we were so battered we couldn’t move from sparring…

…then the excuses started.

Boyfriend showed less and less.

After 6 months, he decided Kung Fu was more his style.

He’d earned a degree in Political Science and was halfway through a combination Masters-PhD program when he quit. Later, he wanted to be a detective. He made the police force, then gave up to go do underwater basket-weaving or paint grains of rice or something or other.

Boyfriend loved books and always said he wanted to write a novel…

…if he had the time, the money, the right desk lamp from Ikea, a sharper pencil, a faster computer, more free time, or a house by the sea, free from distractions.

I was young and dumb and tried to encourage his genius, because he was so stinkin’ smart it was spooky and that was what I loved about him.

Anyway, we parted ways, and, years later, I ran into him in a grocery store. He asked how I’d been and if I was still in sales, and I told him that I’d left the corporate world and now was a published author. At the word “author” he started down that same old road. He said, “I want to be an author, but I’m just so ADD. Maybe you can help me.”

This time, instead of trying to help or agreeing with his excuses or offering to be his support buddy to make him stay on task, I said, “No, you don’t have ADD. You lack maturity and discipline.”

There are few people more ADD in this world than I am, and I get more done than most people, because I’ve created a system that helps keep me on task and productive. Now, I “focus” very differently than other people who don’t have OOH! LET’S RIDE BIKES!

…ADD, but I still get things done, because I love writing THAT much.

If we want something badly enough, we find a way. Don’t believe me? Chat with Cody McCasland (pictured below). Learn more of his story here.

What are your thoughts? Do you make excuses? Do you recognize them and then smite them? Do you still struggle? What are your thoughts about procrastination and excuses?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of January, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: December’s winner will be announced when I return from Seattle.

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of January I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

I also hope you pick up copies of my best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer . And both are recommended by the hottest agents and biggest authors in the biz. My methods teach you how to make building your author platform FUN. Build a platform and still have time left to write great books.

Writing Tip #2–Writing is Pain, Learn to Take a Hit

Want to be a writer? Expect suffering. Lose your illusions and embrace pain. Writing is not always a glittery unicorn hug, and we don’t get what we wish for, we get what we work for. This profession is not for the faint of heart, namely because 1) it’s hard 2) it’s often under appreciated 3) great writing requires us to expose our soft tender parts and hope no one carves them out with a spork.

I’ve said it before. Just because we have command of our native language in no way qualifies us to create a work of art spanning 50,000 to 100,000 or more words. We need to study, practice, apply what we learn (WRITING), and grow a damn thick skin.

Grow Rhino Skin

No matter how well we write, someone won’t like our stuff. It’s just reality. Ten years ago, I went to my first critique thinking every word I wrote was a rainbow kitten dream. Guess what? The group slayed me–it was all blood, teeth and adverbs. Later, when questioned, no one could positively ID the body (of work).

I sat in the parking lot alone crying, but I didn’t give up.

How badly do you want the dream?

Expect criticism, and get good at taking it…but not taking it personally. Remember, others have a right to be wrong. This is why it’s critical to know your craft. Any whackadoodle can join a writers’ group and give advice. If we don’t know our stuff, then when someone suggests we add a bunch of stupid description or adverbs we can politely thank them…and then gift them a copy of On Writing.

Know your $#!t.

Learn all you can and embrace peer review. Writing groups, conferences and workshops are good investments of time and money. If you can’t find a writing group, or you live in an area with no real access to a writing group, hop on to WANATribe and find the tribe that suits you best, or create one.

You are no longer writing for fun, Sweetheart. You are writing for keeps, so train like it. Read books, take classes, go over to WANA International and sign up for a class.

Learn to Take a Hit

Boxers volunteer for others to punch them in the stomach over and over and over to toughen their solar plexus so that, when it comes time to hop in the ring, their bodies are hardened and can take a hit. I see too many newbie writers more interested in the “glamorous life” of being a writer, than the grueling pain of the professional, so they enter the “ring” soft, sloppy, and untrained.

They treat publishing a book like furnishing a Barbie Dream House, and are more interested in cover art and bookmarks than the quality of the manuscript. Too often, they self-publish too soon and with no peer review. The first bad review they get, they go nuclear and give up.

This is a profession, not a playpen. Toughen up. Learn to take a hit and get back up.

You know I am here for you guys. I’ve been here for a lot of years and am rooting for your success, no matter which publishing path you choose to take. But real love is tough love.

All of these lessons I had to learn, too. I used to goof off, write when I felt like it, constantly start new projects, and daydream instead of getting my @$$ in the chair and writing. I had to put away my Author Barbie Dream House and grow up, too.

If I can do it, anyone can do it. Trust me.

Social media is critical, but books are the most important. Thrilled you stopped to read this, but back to work.

It writes the words or it gets the hose! ~Kristen Lamb

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of January, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: December’s winner will be announced when I return from Seattle.

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of January I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

I also hope you pick up copies of my best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer . And both are recommended by the hottest agents and biggest authors in the biz. My methods teach you how to make building your author platform FUN. Build a platform and still have time left to write great books.

Writing Tip #1–How Much Detail Should Writers Use?

Lesson

When it comes to writing great fiction, less is often more. Think of modifiers and detail like perfume. Perfume can be lovely, sexy, attractive, and make one irresistible. It can also give others a headache or an asthma attack and have them looking for the closest bookmark exit.

Action

Comb through your prose and look for adverbs. When possible, replace them with stronger verbs.

She stood quickly out of the chair.

She bolted from her chair.

Look for redundant adverbs.

He yelled loudly.

Um…no, duh. How else would he yell? Softly?

Not all adverbs are evil. Adverbs are fine when they denote some quality that is not inherent in the definition of the verb.

She whispered conspiratorially.

Describing Characters

When it comes to character descriptions, you aren’t talking to a police sketch artist. Give the basics and let the reader fill in the rest. Trust your reader’s imagination to be far better than anything you can supply. Think of it this way, when your book is one day made into a movie, casting will be far easier .

Adjectives—Handle with Care

Like adverbs, try to use adjectives sparingly and only when they are truly going to punch up a sentence. Avoid adjectives your reader would automatically supply on her own.

It was a dark night.

Ok. Glad you told us that night was DARK. Our brain doesn’t need holding, really. We are not stupid.

It was an evil night, a night of reckoning.

Oooooh, oh. I can go with this. See how the adjectives hint at the story instead of stating the obvious?

Details Can Negatively Affect Pacing

We do need some details. Few things annoy me more than having no idea about the setting, or what people look like, but…

If we spend three paragraphs describing the weather and the setting, this gives readers a chance to see something shiny and then you are OOH! SQUIRREL!

We are in an increasingly ADD world and need to appreciate the reader of the Digital Age. Yes, use detail, but spread it throughout the story. Big chunks of detail get boring very quickly to everyone but the writer.

Imagine this scenario. You can’t wait to watch a movie. The opening scene is of a breathtaking sunrise, the most beautiful sunrise you’ve ever witnessed in the history of sunrises, but the camera just focuses on the sun rising over the mountains, and rising, and *yawn* more rising…for the next FIFTEEN minutes. You would be throwing popcorn at the screen.

Loads of detail heaped together have the same affect.

When We Modify Everything, We Modify Nothing

Too much detail/too many modifiers are like a person speaking/shouting in monotone. Remember Billy Mays, the Oxy Clean guy, and EVERYTHING WAS EQUALLY LOUD AND IMPORTANT?

When we modify everything, we modify nothing. Use detail/modifiers sparingly and purposefully so that readers can more easily enjoy why they bought your book in the first place…for the story.

Happy writing!