Rob Smyth's Blog, page 177

April 9, 2016

West Ham 3-3 Arsenal: Premier League – as it happened

Andy Carroll scored a 10-minute hat-trick – and probably ended Arsenal’s title hopes – in an exhilarating game at Upton Park

2.53pm BST

Here’s Jacob Steinberg’s match report.

2.39pm BST

Peep peep! A marvellous piece of Saturday-aftenroon entertainment comes to an end. Arsene Wenger shakes hands with Slaven Bilic and then walks straight down the tunnel. He knows that’s almost certainly it for Arsenal’s title challenge. After Alex Iwobi made two classy goals, Andy Carroll monstered an exhilarating hat-trick to turn 0-2 into 3-2. Laurent Koscielny smashed the equaliser but the result isn’t much good to them. Thanks for your company, bye!

2.36pm BST

90+3 min Antonio is booked for something or other.

2.36pm BST

90+2 min Payet loses the ball to Iwobi, who sets Sanchez clear on the counter-attack. Reid makes a vital tackle, and then a vital foul when Sanchez wriggles away from him.

2.35pm BST

90+1 min There will be three added minutes. Lanzini’s vicious shot hits the back of Monreal, but West Ham retain possession.

2.34pm BST

90 min “As a thank-you for the rare reference to Marco Gabbiadini (one of my three favourite players of all-time) and in honour of this spectacularly see-sawing game at Upton Park I’d like to share with you a bizarre fact regarding Theo Walcott,” says Keeley Moss. “According to the Premier League’s website his middle name is ‘James Yes’! Strange but true.”

2.33pm BST

89 min A bit of West Ham possession ends with Payet flashing a first-time shot high over the bar from 20 yards.

2.29pm BST

86 min Payet is shoved over 20 yards from goal by Ramsey, who at first glance seems lucky not to concede a free-kick.

2.28pm BST

84 min A bit of a lull. There hasn’t been a chance for three minutes!

2.26pm BST

82 min Even if Andy Carroll contrives to get sent off, he will have to bow down at the feet of Marco Gabbiadini, the subject of the greatest hat-trick/red card combination ever.

2.25pm BST

80 min Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Theo! He comes on to replace Danny Welbeck.

2.25pm BST

81 min What a chance for Sanchez! He zipped past defenders in the box with a curving right-to-left run , but instead of shooting from 10 yards he tried to come back inside and was tackled. West Ham break and Payet overhits a through pass to Carroll.

2.22pm BST

78 min Cresswell’s long-range shot across goal bounces up nastily in front of Ospina, who does well to palm it behind for a corner. It’s swung deep to Carroll, who humps it back whence it came towards Reid, who volleys acrobatically into the side-netting from a tight angle. He might have done better actually, though it was an awkward ball and he was under pressure.

2.20pm BST

77 min Giroud heads a few yards wide from Monreal’s cross.

2.20pm BST

For all of us who don't like either of these teams; isn't this super inept farce of a football match fantastic? #WhamvArse

2.19pm BST

75 min Payet beats the blundering Gabriel on the left of the box but overhits his pull-back to Lanzini, who was in all kinds of space.

2.18pm BST

74 min All bets are off in this game, with tackles flying in and both defences looking vulnerable. Payet runs infield from a left and hits a dipping shot towards the near post that is palmed round by Ospina. It was a relatively comfortable save.

2.17pm BST

71 min Carroll fouls Gabriel, who falls over. As he rolls forward he sticks out a leg and catches Carroll above the knee. Think Preben Elkjaer and Leo Clijsters at Euro 84. The world has changed since then, of course, and in the current climate Gabriel might even have been sent off for that. The referee just gave a free-kick to Arsenal.

2.14pm BST

The resulting corner was half cleared and then clipped back into the box. It came to Ozil, whose short-range cross from the right of the box was miscontrolled by Welbeck. But it landed perfectly for Koscielny, who rattled it into the top corner from 10 yards!

2.13pm BST

70 min Arsenal have stirred now, and Monreal’s dangerous bouncing cross to the far post is headed behind by Cresswell. And then...

2.12pm BST

69 min “Games like this are what pay the bills for the Premier League, aren’t they,” says Adam Hirst. “Today we also got the bonus of a whole Arsenal season in one half, and now Big Andy booking himself a flight to France if he stays fit till June.”

2.12pm BST

68 min After a great piece of skill from Ramsey earns Arsenal a corner, Giroud replaces Elneny. Arsenal have gone from a solid 4-2-3-1 to a loose-limbed 4-0-1-0-5. The corner is half cleared to Monreal on the edge of the box, and his superb low shot is kicked off the line by Lanzini.

2.11pm BST

Sometimes as a CB you have to take responsibility&stay with the 'big man' if he tries to pull onto the full back,push the FB into the middle

2.10pm BST

66 min If you can’t beat them, join them: the French Andy Carroll, Olivier Giroud, is about to come on for Arsenal.

2.09pm BST

64 min “The kidnap in Hail Caesar is orchestrated by (spoiler alert) a group of idealistic professorial types who argue very articulately that big money is ruining the industry they love,” says Charles Antaki. “They believe themselves to be The Future, and will sacrifice almost anything for their deeply-held principles. In the end, they come a complete cropper. Of course, there’s nothing there of any relevance whatever to Arsenal Football Club.”

2.08pm BST

63 min Arsenal look a little shocked. The change of tactics has also helped West Ham defensively. Payet dumps Ramsey on his backside with an extravagant trick, and then runs 30 yards into the area before just overhitting his square pass to Kouyate. He is a joy to watch, a fantasy footballer and a Fantasy Footballer.

2.05pm BST

Arsenal's defensive frailties show themselves again. If Wenger doesn't invest in a CB in the summer then I will be amazed....again!

2.04pm BST

61 min Antonio’s fierce shot deflects wide off Monreal. Arsenal are all over the place at the moment, and if they aren’t careful the game will be over by the time they get their bearings. Arsene Wenger has made a substitution, bringing on Aaron Ramsey for Coquelin.

2.03pm BST

60 min Howard Webb has just Snapchatted me and he reckons Andy Carroll is lucky to be on the pitch after that challenge with Gabriel just before his third goal.

2.02pm BST

59 min Arsenal fans have been here before.

2.01pm BST

57 min Carroll almost makes it four. A dangerous dipping cross by Payet on the right came to him near the penalty spot, and his first-time shot on the stretch went wide of the far post. He was under pressure from a defender and beseeched the referee to give a corner. No dice, soldier.

2.00pm BST

56 min I wanna be in Slaven Bilic’s gang.

1.59pm BST

54 min Iwobi and Noble have a contretemps after a foul on the halfway line. They’ve made up now. As for Carroll at the Euros, imagine being an elegant, perfumed central defender, weary after 70 minutes in the French heat, at which point England unleash Carroll and Vardy on you. Squeaky-bum time wouldn’t even come close to describing it.

1.56pm BST

Arise Sir Andrew Carroll! This is another superb goal to complete a nine-minute hat-trick! Antonio beat Monreal on the right and stood up a wonderful cross beyond the far post. Carroll rose imperiously, over Bellerin, and thumped a header into the net from five yards. I’m not sure how you defend against that.

1.55pm BST

50 min Payet has a goal disallowed! Carroll tried to turn Koscielny in the box, but Koscielny read it and tried to shield the ball back to Ospina. As he came about, Carroll decided to have an impromptu wrestling match and dragged Koscielny over Ospina, with all three men ending up on the ground. In the melee the ball came to Payet, who tapped it into an empty net. It seemed like the goal had been given at first, but it soon became clear it had been correctly disallowed. Not that it matters, because...

1.53pm BST

49 min A big penalty appeal for West Ham. Bellerin stumbled into Lanzini as he broke into the box, though I reckon that was the right decision as the contact was minimal. I’d like to see it again though.

1.51pm BST

48 min Carroll, on a yellow card, catches Gabriel in the face with his arm as he jumps for a long ball. Certain referees would have given him a second yellow for that, though I can see why Craig Pawson didn’t. He was looking at the ball all the time.

“Oh no!” says Dean Kinsella. “Is Big Andy playing his way back into Euro’s contention?”

1.50pm BST

47 min “The new Coens looks fun - is it?” asks Phil Podolsky. “Ralph Fiennes is so0o0o0o good, although I hate 99% of the films he was in, especially the Oscar-winning ones.”

I didn’t think it was that good, though that one scene is the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages.

1.50pm BST

46 min Arsenal begin the second half kicking from right to left. West Ham have made a substitution, with Emmanuel Emenike replacing James Tomkins. That means a switch to 4-2-3-1.

1.38pm BST

So, what’s it to be for Andy Carroll: a hat-trick or a red card? Or maybe both, with a last-minute winner followed by a Duncan Ferguson-style celebration that ends with him flinging his shirt into the crowd and running straight down the tunnel as he receives his second yellow card.

1.35pm BST

“Ah, Hail, Ceasar,” says Ian Copestake. “My enduring memory was an inability to stop saying “no dames” wherever possible and thinking back to my tapping dancing days. As far as relevance to this game is concerned .... what about that Arsenal, hey?”

1.34pm BST

Ruth Purdue’s two-word precis of the first half “Oh Arsenal!”

1.34pm BST

What a fantastic half this has been. Payet’s wicked inswinging corner was only partially cleared. It was clipped back into the box to Carroll, who chested it down and tried to shoot with his right foot. He mishit it completely but it came back to Carroll, who quickly contorted his body like a piece of Playdoh to hit a left-footed volley that deflected off Gabriel and flew past Ospina.

1.32pm BST

The beast has done it again!

1.31pm BST

45+1 min Adrian makes a vital save to keep West Ham in the game. Yet again the chance came from a pass to an onrushing player in the inside-left channel. This time it was Monreal, who tried to drill it through Adrian at the near post. Adrian made himself big and was able to block.

1.30pm BST

Andy Carroll scores the most Andy Carroll goal in the history of football. A magnificent swirling cross from Cresswell on the left came towards Carroll, 12 yards out, and he planted a firm, precise header into the corner. Superb goal.

1.29pm BST

43 min West Ham are unfortunate to be two goals behind. They’ve played some lovely stuff against a team who have been more ruthless than them. Yes, we really are talking about Arsenal.

1.27pm BST

41 min Welbeck almost gets clear in the inside-left channel. As Owen Hargreaves says on BT Sport, the back three has been too narrow and Arsenal have used the inside-left channel superbly. All their chances have come there.

1.25pm BST

39 min Carroll turns smartly 20 yards from goal and hits a fierce low shot towards the far corner. Ospina gets down smartly to his left and, although he can’t hold it, no West Ham player is able to take advantage. It was a good save ultimately because Carroll really got hold of it.

1.22pm BST

37 min “How are the Arsenal’s stars (Ozil and Alexis) looking?” asks William Hargreaves. “Do they look disgruntled, i.e. “this is my last season here”, or fired up, motivated, please?” Well, I suspect Ozil doesn’t look fired up during the physical act of love, never mind football, but he does look motivated. Sanchez has been a Duracell bunny as usual. Both have played well but Iwobi has stood out. Arsenal might have found one there.

1.21pm BST

Oh this is a brilliant goal. Iwobi finds himself in space again, 20 yards from goal, and lobs a penetrative short pass over the back three to put Sanchez clear on the left of the box. His control is superb and with his second touch he opens his body to pass it under Adrian with his front foot. That was devastatingly economical stuff from Arsenal, just four touches from the moment it was fed into Iwobi.

1.19pm BST

34 min West Ham are having an excellent spell. Cresswell’s crossfield pass is controlled immaculate by Payet, who is leaving dollops of class all over the pitch, but his cross is cleared.

1.18pm BST

33 min “Do you reckon Ray Winstone will have words with the ref at half time?” says Chris Copping.

1.17pm BST

32 min Here’s Kevin Ryan. “Did Carroll actually say to Koscielny on 5 mins ‘Laurent, my friend, you are entering a world of pain’?”

1.16pm BST

31 min Payet is starting to influence the game. A beautiful little pass through Coquelin’s legs ushers Cresswell into the box on the left, and his low cross is blocked at the expense of a corner. Payet and Lanzini try the old Beckham-Scholes corner, but Lanzini’s volley bobbles miles wide.

1.15pm BST

30 min Sanchez’s low shot from 20 yards is too close and comfortably saved by Adrian.

1.14pm BST

28 min Payet is fouled 30 yards from goal, almost in line with the left edge of the box. He chooses to whip it onto the head of Carroll’s whose flick on is comfortably cleared.

1.13pm BST

27 min “Looks like West Ham aren’t used to this 3-4-3 system,” says Srinivas. “Way too square in defence leaving gaps for Arsenal to exploit. Also, the refereeing has been gash so far.”

They’ve played it a few times haven’t they? Though agree they have been a bit too narrow at times. As for the referee, it’d be lovely to have a game without any mistakes. Would that it were so saimple.

1.12pm BST

26 min Noble’s flicked pass hits Monreal’s arm, though whether he could have avoided it is debatable. The referee gives nothing, outraging all the 25,000-odd West Ham fans who had a perfect view of the incident.

1.09pm BST

24 min Coquelin concedes a free-kick 40 yards from goal, to the right of centre. Not even Payet can score from there, so instead he tries to find the abundant noggin of Andrew Carroll Esq. It’s headed clear by Koscielny.

1.08pm BST

22 min Anyone out there?

1.06pm BST

21 min Antonio muscles an affronted Monreal aside and puts in a low cross that is put behind for a corner by Koscielny.

1.04pm BST

West Ham should have been ahead; now Arsenal are ahead. When the ball was half cleared West Ham pushed out a little unconvincingly. It came back and Iwobi had time to play a short through ball to Ozil, who was just onside and in space to the left of the three centre-backs. He controlled the ball with his first touch and then drove it crisply across Adrian and into the net.

1.00pm BST

14 min Lanzini has a goal wrongly disallowed for offside. Noble’s cross from the left, flicked insouciantly with the outside of the right foot, was met with a spectacular scissor-kick from Carroll at the far post. It was mishit slightly, into the ground, and when it bounced up Lanzini headed it in from a few yards. He looked offside at first, but replays showed a defender on the right of the box – presumably Bellerin – was playing him onside.

12.56pm BST

12 min Arsenal are starting to take control of the match. Sanchez’s deep cross from the right is volleyed viciously towards goal by Elneny, and Antonio takes the force of the blow. That was an important block.

12.54pm BST

9 min Ozil’s low cross is put behind for the first corner of the game by Ogbonna. It’s played short to Iwobi, who backflicks it straight out of play. One from the training ground.

12.53pm BST

7 min Koscielny is back on. It’s been a bitty start, with lots of free-kick, and there’s another when Coquelin accidentally treads on Lanzini’s right foot. Owen Hargreaves is eulogising Arsenal’s new shape, with two natural deep-lying midfielders. You do wonder what might have happened had Arsene Wenger been able to play this front six a couple of months earlier. Well, I do. Say you do, please say you do.

12.51pm BST

5 min Koscielny is still down, having treatment on his ankle, and now he’s moving gingerly off the field in accordance with the laws of the game. He’ll come back on at the next break in play, though his face is still screwed up with the pain. Carroll is going to get sent off, isn’t he?

12.49pm BST

4 min Carroll, a little overzealous after his usual pre-match diet of raw steak, is booked for a thoroughly inept hack at Koscielny.

12.47pm BST

1 min A jaunty dragback from Payet frees Antonio down the right. His deep cross finds Cresswell, whose mishit volley into the ground bounces up and is headed just wide by the crouching Lanzini, six yards out. Not that it matters: he was fractionally offside.

12.46pm BST

1 min West Ham kick off from right to left. They are in claret and blue; Arsenal are in their gold away kit.

12.45pm BST

Tactics corner According to BT Sport, West Ham are lining up in a 3-4-3, with Tomkins at centre-back and Antonio and Cresswell as wing-backs.

“I am looking forward to this game,” says Ruth Purdue. “I have a feeling it is going to be a bit end to end.”

12.41pm BST

The players are in the tunnel. Here’s some pre-match music.

12.25pm BST

12.24pm BST

As it’s Dimitri Payet Day, let’s celebrate some mavericks of football’s Before Gatorade era.

12.12pm BST

That Di Canio/Vieira/Ruddock match was, surprisingly, one of only two victories at home to Arsenal since 1987. The other, in 2006, is best remembered for Arsene Wenger getting wide with Alan Pardew.

12.12pm BST

How do you stop Dimitri Payet? My colleague Gregg Bakowski has found an, erm, interesting precedent.

12.12pm BST

On this day 12 years ago Arsenal fans were very, very happy.

11.55am BST

Astute transfers, a positive manager, a new stadium. West Ham are laying foundations for the future. Will it last? https://t.co/KiJ2znTHkE

11.49am BST

Andy Carroll and James Tomkins come in for West Ham, who could play a 3-4-3 or a 4-2-3-1 with that XI. And I’m boring myself. Arsenal are unchanged, so David Ospina stays in goal and will be fed, limb by limb, to Andy Carroll at 12.45pm.

West Ham (4-2-3-1) Adrian; Tomkins, Reid, Ogbonna, Cresswell; Kouyate, Noble; Antonio, Lanzini, Payet; Carroll.
Substitutes: Randolph (GK), Hendrie, Oxford, Obiang, Moses, Valencia, Emenike.

11.24am BST

West Ham v Arsenal has had a French flavour for a while. In 1999, that nice man Neil Ruddock said he could “smell the garlic on his breath” when Patrick Vieira spat in his direction. It overshadowed an excellent game in which Paolo Di Canio scored one of his many gorgeous goals in the 1999-2000 season, but that’s another point.)

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Published on April 09, 2016 06:39

April 7, 2016

Borussia Dortmund 1-1 Liverpool: Europa League quarter-final first leg – as it happened

Divock Origi scored a vital away goal to justify his surprise selection and give Liverpool a great chance of progressing to the semi-finals

9.58pm BST

A fine result for Liverpool, and one that was matched by the performance. They had less of the ball but more of the chances, and have a fine opportunity to create an Anfield Glory Night in a week’s time. Thanks for your company, night!

9.56pm BST

90 min There will be two minutes of added nothingness.

9.55pm BST

88 min The match is petering out. I think Dortmund have been deflated by Liverpool’s defensive competence.

9.52pm BST

85 min Sturridge goes on a fine slalom into the Dortmund box before Hummels makes a good tackle. Liverpool could still nick this. Dortmund are dominating but in a sterile manner.

9.50pm BST

84 min Origi off, Sturridge on. The camera catches Thomas Tuchel picking his nose in disgust.

9.50pm BST

83 min “Riquelme as the ultimate ‘beauty for beauty’s sake’ player, too languid and beautiful for this world, is not among football’s sweeter-smelling cliches, is it?” says Phil Podolsky. “There’ve been too many more exciting and imaginative playmakers for Riquelme idolatry to have ground in reality, IMHO. At the end of the day, he wasn’t good enough for the best team he played for.”

Yes but sometimes there’s a man...

9.48pm BST

82 min Dortmund don’t look like scoring, for all their possession. This has been an excellent night’s work from Liverpool: it hasn’t been comfortable, but then it’s Dortmund away. It’s been more comfortable than most expected.

9.47pm BST

80 min Castro’s curling shot from the right of the area is beaten away by Mignolet. He has only had one really difficult save to make tonight. Liverpool break and Papastathopoulos is booked for a foul on Origi.

9.46pm BST

79 min Moreno goes in two footed on Pulisic, an absurd tackle that could have brought at least a yellow card. It was naive rather than nasty, but even so.

9.44pm BST

78 min Liverpool bring on Firmino for Lallana.

“The Dude’s favourite player would be Winston Bogarde,” says James Beesley, “surely.” Imagine if Chelsea had paid Bogarde in laundry. The whites.

9.43pm BST

76 min Dortmund make their final substitutions: Pulisic and Papastathopoulos replace Bender and Aubameyang. Reus is now playing as a Half Ten.

9.41pm BST

76 min “Were Klopp’s Dortmund the nearest thing we impoverished millennials have to Danish Dynamite?” asks Daniel Baird. “Highly explosive, slightly offbeat, successful but not *too* successful?”

Yes, I suppose they were: power, skill, swagger, haircuts. Colombia 2014 as well, in spirit if not style. But the best comparison is unquestionably Lokomotiv Moscow reserves circa 2011.

9.39pm BST

74 min “Perhaps a False Nine could alternatively be titled a Half Ten?” writes Phil Sawyer. “Also sadly known as a Past My Bed Time nowadays.”

9.39pm BST

73 min Before the game, Jurgen Klopp would probably have sacrificed a couple of the Dortmund tea ladies for a 1-1 draw. He still would, yet there is a nagging feeling that Liverpool could nick this. I’d get Sturridge on certainly.

9.37pm BST

72 min “Mr. Lebowski strikes me as someone who loves the strollers and idlers,” says Christoper Faherty. “His favourtie player would be Riquelme, and he would abhor gegenpressing. This aggression will not stand, man. It’s killing the game Rob!”

His favourite player ever? Mr Matthew Le Tissier.

9.36pm BST

70 min Dortmund are playing significantly more crossfield passes in this half. It’s true.

9.34pm BST

68 min “Hey Rob,” says Daniel Johnson, “I guess we have to wait until the end of the game to find out the real answer to the eternal question posed by the tv edit of Big Lebowski. The alps are kinda near Dortmund, right?”

9.34pm BST

67 min For the first time in the match, Liverpool are struggling to get out of their half. Origi looks a bit tired and might come off soon.

9.32pm BST

65 min “Re. your comment at 56 mins: Is this actually an empty threat?” says Sarah Rothwell. “Would they allow you to present Match of the Day in the first place?” There are ways. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me.

9.31pm BST

64 min Gorgeous football from Dortmund. Hummels flicks a long pass down the inside-left channel with the outside of his left foot to Castro, who turns it back inside to Reus, 15 yards from goal. He tries a short-range chip over Sakho, but there isn’t quite enough room to work with and it hits Sakho on the shoulder. It was, nonetheless, wonderfully imaginative from the post-Iniesta genius that is Reus.

9.29pm BST

63 min “I got excited by the half-time score, and came to the pub to watch the second half,” says Matt Dony, telling us nothing whatsoever about tactics. “It’s a small pub with a tv either end of the room, one showing football, one showing golf, with the clientele split perfectly down the middle by age and apparent class. (Chinos to the left, Crown Paints Liverpool shirts to the right.) I’m sat on the golf side, but watching the football. Class warrior. Breaking down barriers. I might start singing some Billy Bragg.”

9.27pm BST

61 min “I think it’s probably best Rob leaves tactics alone,” says Ronan Heffernan. “Much like that other great Big Lebowski character - Donnie - he’d be out of his f%#king element.”

9.26pm BST

60 min “Also, Dude, False Nine is not the preferred nomenclature,” says Kevin Ryan. “Withdrawn centre forward, please.”

9.25pm BST

59 min Schmelzer belies his 94 years by running 40 yards to the edge of the area before falling over Lovren. The referee gives a free-kick, though the decision could have gone either way. It’s just outside the D, to the left of centre: Reus clips it over the wall and Mignolet makes a comfortable save as he plunges to his right.

9.24pm BST

58 min Sahin’s low long-range shot is comfortably saved. “The safe hands of Mignolet,” deadpans the BT commentator Darren Fletcher.

9.23pm BST

57 min What would Jeffrey Lebowski have made of tactics I wonder? THE FALSE NINE IS NOT THE ISSUE HERE, DUDE.

9.22pm BST

56 min If this game ends 1-1, I’ll present Match of the Day in my underpants.

9.19pm BST

53 min There have been so many opportunities in this game. Liverpool could easily have scored four.

9.18pm BST

51 min That’s a stunning save from Weidenfeller! Liverpool put together a gorgeous one-touch move involving Origi, Allen, Lallana and finally Coutinho, whose fierce low shot from the edge of the area was brilliantly saved by Weidenfeller plunging to his right. Then, before I’d finished typing the above, he made two more vital saves from Coutinho and (I think) Clyne.

9.16pm BST

50 min “In answer to that bloke Mark’s question,” says Kevin Ryan, “I would quote the great man: ‘I’ve got certain information, man. New sh-t has come to light.....’”

9.15pm BST

49 min Origi ignores a challenge 25 yards from goal and smashes a shot not far wide of the near post.

9.14pm BST

A tactical triumph for Thomas Tuchel, as Dortmund equalise from a corner. It was played short and curled in by Mkhitaryan towards Hummels, who got a run on Lallana and headed through Mignolet from six yards. Terrible defending from Liverpool.

9.13pm BST

46 min We’re off!

9.11pm BST

“Morning Rob,” says Phil Withall. “Mark’s pithy comment is fair. I will expect you to lay out a Subbuteo pitch and upload images of starting positions, tactical changes and other incidents of import throughout the game to assist those that are without television coverage.”

9.10pm BST

Both teams have made half-time substitutions Sahin for Durm, and Allen for the injured Henderson.

8.59pm BST

“They’re both playing 4-2-3-1 and pressing high,” says Mark, quoting my earlier entry.
“Rob, Who offers more information:
A. PM Cameron on Daddy’s money?
B. Guardian Rob on the tactics of Klopp and Tuchel?
Discuss.”

What do you want, a diagram?

8.55pm BST

The half ends with Origi missing a one-on-one! After all that Dortmund pressure, Liverpool broke and Moreno ran 30 yards before slipping the ball through to Origi. He was possibly offside but it didn’t matter because Weidenfeller charged from his goal to make a vital save. He then got himself booked by shouting at the referee about the offside, or possibly a foul at the other end.

8.54pm BST

45+3 min Another goal-saving block, this time from Lovren! Mkhitaryan played a beautiful, surprise through pass to Aubameyang, who slid to divert the ball towards the far corner – a bit like Marco van Basten against West Germany in 1988, though from closer in. It would have beaten Mignolet but Lovren tracked him all the way to deflect it behind. From the resulting corner, Mignolet made a fine save from Reus!

8.52pm BST

45+2 min Durm shoots weakly at Mignolet from 20 yards. Dortmund look, if not rattled, then at least a bit unsettled by going behind.

8.51pm BST

45 min There will be four added minutes, the result of that Weidenfeller injury earlier.

8.49pm BST

44 min Lallana is booked for a late challenge on Schmelzer.

8.49pm BST

43 min Henderson is back on.

8.47pm BST

42 min There’s a break in play while Henderson receives treatment for something or other.

8.46pm BST

40 min “Hello Rob, and as I can’t watch the match to see for myself could you post something about how Klopp and Tuchel are approaching it from a tactical point of view please?” says Michael Cosgrove. “That’s one of the more fascinating aspects of the match imho.”

They’re both playing 4-2-3-1 and pressing high.

8.45pm BST

39 min Coutinho runs at Piszczek in the box and goes down. There was a bit of bodily contact but probably not enough for a penalty. But suddenly Liverpool all over Dortmund, and Clyne plays a brilliant one-two with Lallana before his shot is blocked desperately by Bender!

8.43pm BST

38 min That goal wasn’t against the run of play; it was an affront to the run of play. After an even 30 minutes, Liverpool had been under all kinds of pressure.

8.42pm BST

After all Dortmund’s smooth football, Liverpool score with the simplest of goals. A ball infield from the left was headed forward by Henderson towards Origi. He was tracked by the last man Piszczek as he ran into the area, but he steadied himself and hit a low shot that deflected off Piszczek and wide of Weidenfeller.

8.41pm BST

Liverpool are ahead!

8.41pm BST

36 min After another exhilarating scamper into space from Mkhitaryan, Aubameyang curls straight at Mignolet from 20 yards.

8.39pm BST

34 min Dortmund are into their stride now. A penetrative pass from Piszczek finds Mkhitaryan in space just inside Liverpool’s half. It’s three on three, and he runs to the edge of the area, defenders backpedalling all the while, before dragging a left-footed shot a few yards wide of the near post.

8.37pm BST

33 min “With this Dortmund team, it’s so often not if but when they will score,” says Ruth Purdue. “Devastatingly beautiful at times.”

8.37pm BST

31 min Aubameyang breaks into the box on the left, with only Sakho between him and the keeper. Sakho takes up an excellent position so that Aubameyang isn’t sure whether to shoot or try to find Reus. He goes for the latter and Sakho concedes a corner. From which... nothing happens.

8.36pm BST

30 min Aubameyang’s sidefooted free-kick deflects a few yards wide of the post for a corner. From which... nothing happens.

8.35pm BST

29 min “Evening Rob...” says Jon Collin. “A question: is Mkhitaryan the best European player who won’t be at the European Championship this summer? I mean, it’s him or Steven Fletcher.” Arjen Robben? Mark Noble?

8.33pm BST

28 min Origi zooms down the left past Piszczek, who recovers well to concede a corner. Milner’s inswinger is punched away by Weidenfeller to Moreno, who sweet-spots a half-volley high over the bar from 25 yards.

8.31pm BST

26 min There have been occasional flashes of Dortmund’s enormous class, but overall Liverpool will be happier with the way the match has gone. Dortmund have had just that one chance, when Sakho blocked Mkhitaryan’s goalbound shot.

8.29pm BST

24 min Lovren was going for the ball on the rebound but headed Weidenfeller straight in the coupon. If he’d connected that well with the original chance, etc and so forth.

8.28pm BST

21 min Clyne runs 30 yards before he is fouled by Reus. That gives Liverpool both a breather and a free-kick in the Dortmund half. Milner curls it in to Lovren, who plants a free header straight at the keeper from eight yards.

Weidenfeller palmed it up in the air, whereupon Lovren and Lallana collided with him as he collected the loose ball. Weidenfeller’s on the floor having treatment to his mouth. Lovren should have scored but rammed his header into the ground, and when it bounced up it was straight at the keeper.

8.24pm BST

19 min “While we have a lull: the Dortmund keep is wearing all-white,” says Charles Antaki. “That is unacceptable on all levels - historically, functionally and above all aesthetically. Actually in close up there seems to be that awful detail, ‘piping’. Yellow card.”

8.23pm BST

17 min Sakho makes a goal-saving block from Mkhitaryan. Weigl clipped a lovely angled pass over the top for the onrushing Schmelzer, who drew Mignolet and then played the ball back to Mkhitarayan. His first-time shot from eight yards would have gone in but for Sakho’s superb block on the stretch.

8.20pm BST

15 min This is all a bit subdued, relative to expectations anyway. Milner fouls Weigl 25 yards from goal on the right. Castro’s free-kick is poor and half cleared to Reus, who controls swiftly but drags a shot across goal and wide from 25 yards.

8.18pm BST

12 min Liverpool are pressing very high as well now. Hummels runs 40 yards from defence before playing a quick, penetrative pass to Mkhitaryan, who can’t control it on the stretch just inside the area.

8.16pm BST

10 min The game hasn’t really settled down but, as Michael Owen says on BT Sport, that will suit Liverpool. Their old tactic away from home in Europe was to take the sting out of the game and silence the home crowd. They’ll do well to manage that here, mind you.

8.14pm BST

8 min Liverpool’s first decision spell of possession ends when Henderson’s cross is headed clear. Dortmund break and Can is booked for a foul on Mkhitaryan. That was a soft yellow card.

8.11pm BST

5 min Sakho plays the ball back to Mignolet, who is pressed by Aubameyang. Mignolet drags it coolly away from the sliding Aubameyang, and a good job he did: had he booted it downfield it would have hit Aubameyang and possibly rebounded into the net.

8.09pm BST

4 min A quiet start, on the field at least. “Just wow for YNWA,” says Anthony Abdool. “Jurgen’s made Liverpool likeable, damn him!”

Give it time.

8.08pm BST

3 min No high pressing as yet from Liverpool, who are in the country where Peter Reid invented the gegenpress.

8.06pm BST

2 min “The Pembrokeshire Pirlo (or, Crymych Crab, as a friend of mine harshly dubbed him) is a fine player indeed, but definitely not directly competing with Milner for a starting berth,” says

Jurgen Klopp on Snapchat
Matt Dony. “I’d start him ahead of Henderson at the moment, but it’s always awkward dropping your captain. Plus, Milner has form against Germans. He (bizarrely) demolished Munich almost singlehandedly for City. Ah, I’m nervous!!”

8.05pm BST

1 min The atmosphere is stunning. English grounds used to be like this. Dortmund, in brilliant yellow, kick off from left to right. Liverpool are in red.

I haven't felt like this in ages. It's one of those rare occasions when I really miss playing.

8.04pm BST

Jurgen Klopp and Thomas Tuchel have a nice hug on the touchline. There’s such a lovely mood around this match, and you would expect it to last at least 47 seconds before Mamadou Sakho ploughs clumsily through the back of Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang.

7.58pm BST

The atmosphere at the Westfalenstadion is magnificent, with both sets of fans singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone”. One old boy is on the brink of tears!

7.53pm BST

“If Ian Copesake’s Liverpool line-up has a midfield of “prosaics” with a couple of “creatives”, then the defence are surely “the suits” of the operation, the jacket-and-tie men who do the business so the front-of-house men can shine?” says Justin Kavanagh. “Unfortunately, these suits often play like they are in straitjackets and hogties.”

7.48pm BST

Liverpool have one very happy memory of playing on this ground

7.35pm BST

“Evening from Eastern Finland, Rob,” says Paul Ewart. “Should be a cracker tonight, a bona fide Klopptico. Can’t pretend I’m not a little nervous. The good news: Martin Skrtel is nowhere to be seen. The bad news: nor is Daniel Sturridge, though one can understand the reasoning. But my question for you Mr Smyth is, is James Milner better than Joe Allen? I wonder if Kloppo’s got a bit of blindspot with regards the Welsh Pirlo/Captain Caveman.”

Wouldn’t Allen have to displace Henderson or Can to get in the team? The Sturridge decision is interesting but understandable, and he could be very effective from the bench.

7.29pm BST

“Thomas Tuchel’s Dortmund is fluid, and its goalscorers are unpredictable,” says Stanley Wu. “All Liverpool needs is flawless finishing, limitless stamina, Formula One quickness, and remarkable team cohesion...”

Would that i’twere so simple.

7.10pm BST

An email! “I am in the habit of calling this midfield of Henderson, Can and Milner the ‘prosaic’ midfield,” says Ian Copestake. “It also only works if the ‘creatives’ (Coutinho and ‘Lallana’) get the ball off them as quickly as possible and turn to link up with whichever stirker (or ‘effete’) we are using in the hope they show why we paid what we paid. The defence has no name.”

It’ll have one at precisely 9pm.

6.54pm BST

Roberto Firmino (not fully fit) and Daniel Sturridge (not fit for purpose) are on the bench for Liverpool. Mats Hummels returns for Dortmund but Ilkay Gundogan isn’t fit.

Borussia Dortmund (possible 4-2-3-1) Weidenfeller; Piszczek, Bender, Hummels, Schmelzer; Castro, Weigl; Durm, Mkhitaryan, Reus; Aubameyang.
Substitutes: Bürki, Sahin, Ginter, Leitner, Pulisic, Sokratis, Kagawa.

5.57pm BST

Hello and welcome to the inaugural staging of Das Kloppfest, also known as Borussia Dortmund v Liverpool in the quarter-finals of the Europa League. In a sense, Liverpool can’t lose. If they win, they haven’t lost (and they’ll have beaten the strong favourites to win the League); if they lose, they can rationalise it as a glimpse of a very happy future. This Dortmund side was built by Jurgen Klopp, and you can be he will similarly decisive when it comes to rebuilding Liverpool.

Klopp’s personality has already had an impact on a side who are erratic but dangerous. They are 5/1 to win tonight, though a narrow defeat with an away goal would constitute a good night’s work and set up a potential European Glory Night at Anfield™ at Anfield next week. Even that might be a big ask, because Dortmund’s home record this season is brutal: P22 W19 D2 L1 F69 A15.

9.54am BST

Rob will be here shortly. In the meantime, here’s Jürgen Klopp’s pre-match thoughts:

Twelve months after announcing his decision to end a remarkable seven-year spell in charge of Borussia Dortmund, one that produced two Bundesliga titles, German Cup success and a near-miss in the 2013 Champions League final, Jürgen Klopp returns to Signal Iduna Park on Thursday. Looking forward to the Europa League quarter‑final first leg, the Liverpool manager explains why he has some misgivings over the reunion – particularly“KloppCam” – celebrating against a former club and why Thomas Tuchel, his successor, is not solely responsible for Dortmund’s improvement this season …

Will the Dortmund fans treat you as a returning hero or, perhaps, an enemy on Thursday? I don’t know what people think but I can only say that when we said goodbye it was really nice, really good. I know a lot of people who will be happy to see me again but it’s not the right situation to see friends. I have no problem if someone wants to hug me – if I know him!

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Published on April 07, 2016 13:58

Callously assuming that everybody had a best friend when they were growing up

Today: a story of goodwill, Joe Allen’s beard, Wenger knowing and Adam Sandler

Borussia Dortmund v Liverpool is a game that needs no introduction. But 11-word cliches like that are of little comfort to a teatime email that needs to fill around 400 words to avoid a passive-aggressive dressing-down from The Man. Thankfully sentences like that last one – and this one, and the next one if we really feel like pushing our luck – help fill 60-odd words. Only 340 to go!

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Published on April 07, 2016 08:13

April 2, 2016

Norwich v Newcastle, Arsenal v Watford and more: football clockwatch – as it happened

Norwich stole a dramatic 3-2 victory over Newcastle at the bottom, while Dimitri Payet scored an outrageous free-kick in West Ham’s 2-2 draw with Crystal Palace

5.17pm BST

That’s about it for today. Thanks for your company, night!

5.14pm BST

5.02pm BST

While ye wait for match reports, why not followed the build-up to the humdinging fixcture at Anfield?

4.59pm BST

“A foul in the lead-up to Norwich’s second goal and a handball for their third,” says John Davis. “Absolutely sick.”

That’s the beauty of Clockwatch: the readers tell you what happened rather than the other way round.

4.57pm BST

So, all six games have now finished. There were 21 goals, plenty of them superb, and some ridiculous drama at Carrow Road. We’ll have match reports from the games any minute now.

4.55pm BST

Nothing to see here, at least not in terms of the results, though they were some very nice goals in both games.

4.54pm BST

Clattenburg escorted down tunnel by West Ham security and Bilic ranting at referee by reeling off his injustices

4.53pm BST

A mighty win for Norwich after a ceaselessly dramatic second half. They are six points clear of Newcastle and four clear of Sunderland.

4.52pm BST

“The referee’s ineptitude is palpable,” chant the frustrated West Ham fans. That decisions could be extremely costly. But when the dust settles we’ll remember this game for Dimitri Payet’s staggering CGI free-kick.

4.51pm BST

What a frustrating day for Sunderland, who had so much of the game but couldn’t score.

“I like Borini a lot as a man,” says Ian Copestake. “But having a signature goal celebration before even scoring ten in a season always struck me as asking fate for a bollocking.”

4.51pm BST

An amazing finish to amazing game! There is talk of a handball in the build up, but Norwich have surely won it!

WATCH: Could this be the goal that sends @NUFC down? Follow it here: https://t.co/gaplH2QzFm #SkyFootball https://t.co/dEqtOUpVb2

4.50pm BST

Oh my, Norwich have scored!

4.50pm BST

I can’t take this any more, and I don’t even support any of them. It was the right decision apparently.

4.49pm BST

This is incredible, and I’m not even watching it! Cisse’s header seemed to have given Newcastle an injury-time winner only for Ruddy to make a brilliant save.

4.47pm BST

Another crucial goal from Theo Walcott.

Meanwhile, Mitrovic almost won it for Newcastle but headed an excellent chance wife!

4.47pm BST

“I’ve always had a soft spot for Roy,” writes James A Crane, “but the high-point for me was when he was getting interviewed live (perhaps on Sky Sports News) before the 2014 World Cup; they were on a boat on the Amazon and in answer to a fluffy question about the difficulty of the group he started riffing on how he felt like Klaus Kinski in Fitzcarraldo - interviewer completely flummoxed, Roy having a good old laugh to himself, tremendous stuff. Does anyone know of the existence of this clip? Was it just a wondrous dream?”

Ah, I think I’ve found it.

4.46pm BST

Another chance for Sunderland, with Foster saving desperately from Defoe! Sunderland have battered West Brom but it’s still 0-0.

4.45pm BST

“Naismith billiards,” begins Toby Podmore. “All fun and jokes and laughter, but doesn’t that constitute sexual assault? I can’t think of another walk of life where you could grab someone’s genitals with the express intention of upsetting them without some kind of consequence...”

4.44pm BST

Mitrovic scores! Ruddy got a hand to it but it went in, and Mitrovic has done it again for Newcastle!

4.43pm BST

“PENALTY!” shouts Paul Merson. “PENALTY!” It was a needless handball by O’Neil.

4.43pm BST

Thanks to Phil Podolsky for this.

Newcastle fans after watching their side equalise and then concede again within 3 minutes..https://t.co/IVJBv0Tuqi

4.42pm BST

Sunderland desperately need a goal, which makes the presence of Fabio Borini contextually unfortunate. His curling shot is saved by Ben Foster.

4.40pm BST

“I feel like there have been an inordinate amount of deflected goals today,” says Evan Haas. “Chaos really is the theme of the season.”

4.38pm BST

Swansea have equalised! Alberto Paloschi turns smartly and hits a shot that is deflected into the net. So.

4.37pm BST

“Doctor Naismith,” writes Chris Nemeh.

Foul. pic.twitter.com/koO0OAMdxj

4.34pm BST

Palace are level! Dwight Gayle picks up a loose ball and finishes superbly. What a day this has been in the Premier League: 18 goals in seven games, with more to come in the last 15 minutes – or your money back!

4.32pm BST

“Trenchcoat Roy,” says Allan Castle, trembling with fear.

4.32pm BST

Oh, Newcastle. Dieumerci Mbokani’s flashing shot has put Norwich back in front barely two minutes after Mitrovic’s equaliser.

4.30pm BST

A deflected header from Alexsandar Mitrovic loops over John Ruddy and into the net. That’s a huge goal for Rafa Benitez, from the same player who equalised against Sunderland a fortnight ago.

4.28pm BST

4.27pm BST

Gylfi Sigurdsson scores neatly to bring Swansea back into the match. I’m surprised a bigger club hasn’t bought him; he’s a lovely player.

4.26pm BST

A dreadful decision by Mark Clattenburg, according to the chaps on Soccer Saturday: a straight red for a high tackle by Kouyate on Dwight Gayle. “It’s just such a terrible, terrible, terrible decision,” says Jeff Stelling.

4.24pm BST

4.23pm BST

So, as things stand Newcastle and Sunderland are in the malodorous stuff – respectively six and four points behind Norwich, albeit with a game in hand.

4.19pm BST

“Palace to lose, if only for the motley collection of beards in that defensive wall and beyond,” says Tim Smith. “Taking the hipster beard too far, I think.”

It surely can’t be long before we have the first bearded XI.

4.16pm BST

“Blinking flip!” says Mark Turner of Payet’s goal. “I saw Pablo Aimar curl one in for River Plate vs Flamengo like that, maybe 15 years ago in Buenos Aires. I was in the main stand, we all went wappy, then turned round to watch the TV replay in the bar behind us and 2,000 people all went “OHH” in synch. All the same...Payet...blinking flip!”

4.12pm BST

“The warm-weather training was bittersweet, to be honest,” says Matt Dony. “It was good conditioning, but I was only there because Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver’s continued good form is keeping me out of the international squad. Anyway, just wait until the tabloid stories about what else I got up to put there hit the press...” You didn’t eat a shish kebab did you?

4.11pm BST

Bojan has double Stoke’s lead. You’re welcome.

4.09pm BST

A chance for Newcastle. Andros Townsend’s shot is superbly saved by Ruddy, and Cisse – flagged offside, perhaps wrongly – makes a mess of the loose ball anyway. Whatever happened to the man who did this?

4.08pm BST

“Dmitri Payet is 29, as is Jamie Vardy and Riyad Mahrez is 25, as is N’Golo Kanté,” says Gary Naylor. “Two years ago, few of us had heard of any of them, yet they are arguably the four outstanding players in the Premier League this season. How have these transformations happened? Or are there hundreds of talents sailing under the radar just waiting for the right manager / formation / attitude? It’s a Funny Old Game eh Saint?”

I know one man who had heard of them all two years ago, and Danny Drinkwater too.

4.06pm BST

Payet's free kick, from behind the goal. (As filmed by little bro.) Same view as Hennessey. pic.twitter.com/9IljmsxP9c

4.06pm BST

Hector Bellerin’s volley deflects off Ben Watson and into the net. That’ll be that.

4.04pm BST

“Half times from Scotland,” says Simon McMahon. “St Johnstone 0 Dundee United 1. That’s it. Put that in your fancy new Scottish football magazine, Stuart Cosgrove.”

Somebody needs to do an essay on this.

4.00pm BST

That Payet free-kick is outrageous. As my colleague Gregg Bakowski just said, the dip is so late and so sharp that it looks like a special effect.

3.58pm BST

Here’s clear evidence that Peter Reid invented the gegenpress. Although I suppose really it’s more of a gegencrunch.

3.50pm BST

That was a pretty eventful 45 minutes in the Premier League, with nine goals in six matches. A few of them were crackers, none better than the latest episode in the Dimitri Payet Show.

3.48pm BST

Timm Klose has given Norwich the lead in injury-time. A huge goal, that; if they win this game they will be six points clear of Newcastle. The marking was abysmal according to Rafa Benitez, who has just snapchatted me.

3.46pm BST

#Payet has just scored one of THE best freekicks you'll ever see! #WestHam
You can see it tonight @SkyFootball #SNF

3.45pm BST

3.44pm BST

“It may be too late,” says Vincent Forrester, “but can someone please warn Eddie Izzard that the man with the tissue is about to sneeze on him?”

3.42pm BST

Yep, him again. Dimitri Payet has given West Ham the lead with another spectacular free-kick. He fooled Wayne Hennessey into thinking he would curl it to the near post, and instead he sent a booming curler into the far top corner. He is pretty awesome right now, and one of the main reasons that this has been perhaps the outstanding feelgood season of the Premier League era.

3.40pm BST

“My suggestion for expanding your brand,” begins David Hunter. “Clockwatch Countryfile, in which you 1) visit the outer reaches of football such as Dorking Town Football Club (the Chicks), and the Wensleydale Creamery Football League, 2) harvest origin stories of players we will never hear of, and 3) provide weather forecasts that are completely irrelevant to urban dwellers and/or games in progress.”

3.39pm BST

Alex Iwobi makes it two goals in two Premier League starts, scoring from Alexis Sanchez’s fine cutback. Arsenal might have found a player here.

3.37pm BST

3.36pm BST

“That Sky advert seems to show Peter Reid as the true inventor of gegenpressing,” says Tim Myles, “surely someone should get Pep and Jurgen to fess up and give the man credit?”

And give it its full name – gegenfochinpressin – while they’re at it.

3.34pm BST

3.33pm BST

Ben Foster has made a fine save to deny Sunderland’s Lee Cattermole, and Newcastle’s Karl Darlow has made an even better stop with his legs to deny Mbokani. Paul Merson reckons it’s the best save Darlow has made in his career, having seen them all.

3.30pm BST

Here’s the Premier League table as things stand.

3.27pm BST

Fernandinho has hit the bar for Manchester City, who are playing to their considerable potential at Dean Court and already lead 3-0.

3.26pm BST

No Premier League goals in the last few minutes, so here’s something from 1992

3.23pm BST

“Did I say Roy Hogdson?” says Ian Copestake. “I actually meant Monica Bellucci.”

Ah, fair enough. Here she is.

3.21pm BST

“Maybe City could somehow nick the Champions League?” says Phil Podolsky. “I miss the days when the combination of indifferent domestic form, lack of team spirit and great players made you a firm favourite to win it.”

Heh. I suppose the precedents of Liverpool in 2005 and Chelsea in 2012 suggest it’s not beyond the realms, but I really can’t see it.

3.19pm BST

Well, that’s one game done for the day. Sergio Aguero leaps like Denis Law to ram a header into the net from Jesus Navas’s cross.

3.18pm BST

Can people stop scoring goals please? My fingers can’t take it. West Ham, affronted by going behind to Palace, and now level after an emphatic finish from Manuel Lanzini. What an outstanding team they have been this season.

3.17pm BST

Norwich have had a goal disallowed against Newcastle, with Dieumerci Mbokani rightly flagged offside.

3.16pm BST

“It is clear that Matt Dony has spent the international break in Dubai getting in some warm-weather zinger training,” says Ian Copestake. “We are all seeing the benefits.”

Even Roy. It’s taken years off him.

3.15pm BST

Damien Delaney has headed Palace ahead at Upton Park. As you all know, Palace haven’t won a league game this year.

3.13pm BST

A simple header from Ibrahim Afellay, on his 30th birthday, puts Stoke ahead.

3.12pm BST

A lovely goal from the returning Kevin De Bruyne doubles City’s lead. City are such a frustrating side; they are clearly the best team in the league, or at least the team with the most ability. Yet they are struggling to finish in top four.

3.10pm BST

“I am grateful,” says Ian Copestake, “for the return of a form of football that allows me to not look at Roy Hodgson.”

Here’s some visual banter.

3.09pm BST

An alternative use for stress balls

1' Play is immediately brought to a halt as a load of small balls are thrown onto the pitch #cafc

3.09pm BST

1 – Alexis Sanchez has scored his first Premier League goal at the Emirates since netting a brace versus Man Utd in October. Overdue.

3.07pm BST

City are ahead at Dean Court, thanks to a good finish from Fernando. If City win their last eight gam- ach, no, the best they can do is probably second now.

3.06pm BST

“Expand the brand,” says Matt Dony. “I’m looking forward to Strictly Clockwatch, and the chance to enjoy watching actors I’ve never heard of describe Bournemouth going a goal down to Swansea in a pithy manner, after a week of emotional training.”

3.05pm BST

A flying start from Arsenal is rewarded when Alexis Sanchez scores at the second attempt. If Arsenal win their last eight games – yes, I know – they might sneak the title.

3.03pm BST

Some match reports from the earlier games

3.01pm BST

Peep peep! The six Premier League matches have started. Peep! Peep peep!

2.56pm BST

We're delighted announce that next season the Town End at The Vic will be re-named as The Prostate Cancer UK Stand. @ProstateUK #JeffsMarch

2.53pm BST

Before things get SERIOUS when the FOOTBALL starts, here are some fictional sociopaths to lighten the mood.

(Warning for those who like to be offended: this clip contains adult language.)

2.53pm BST

On @SundaySupp from 9: @sbates_people, debut for @MattDunnExpress and @CharlieWyett. pic.twitter.com/ziVL34t0xc

2.49pm BST

“Afternoon Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “Like the Proclaimers, I’m on my way to Perth for Scotland’s game of the day between St. Johnstone and Dundee United. United remain seven points behind Kilmarnock, who travel to Partick today, and really need a win to keep their hopes of avoiding the drop alive.

“With league games against Partick and Inverness, and a Scottish Cup semi final against Hibs within the next fortnight, lets hope April isn’t the cruelest month for United. Their large travelling support deserve a performance today, though Perth hasn’t been a happy hunting ground recently. From misery to happiness today, though, eh? In the early kick off it finished Celtic 3 Hearts 1.”

2.39pm BST

At Villa Park, it’s Aston Villa 0-4 Chelsea. Barry Glendenning is writing the last rites.

2.38pm BST

Another email!

“‘Clockwatch Gold’,” sniffs Mac Millings, in reference to the Preamble down the page. “Not to be confused with the predictably unerotic After Dark spin-off, ‘Rob Smyth puts the “L” in “Clockwatch”.’”

2.21pm BST

An email!

“Let’s do this, Rob,” says Phil Podolsky. “Here with you all the way through to the Clasico.”

2.08pm BST

Arsenal: Ospina, Bellerin, Gabriel, Koscielny, Monreal, Elneny, Coquelin, Sanchez, Ozil, Iwobi, Welbeck.
Subs: Gibbs, Mertesacker, Giroud, Walcott, Chambers, Campbell, Cech.

2.03pm BST

Saturday afternoon with Joey Barton

Assistant ref what game were you watching??????? @Kurrie4 @OfficialBHAFC @BHAFC_ @NorthStandChat pic.twitter.com/xM0t1S53vk

1.53pm BST

This is a plug for a new quarterly, which has support from giants of the written word like Stuart Cosgrove, Jonathan Wilson and Rob Smyth. The Kickstarter campaign ends today.

“We intend to launch a publication devoted to Scottish football,” says Ally Palmer. “Our aim is to create something completely new in Scotland - a football publication that is all about the writers, the writing, and great stories told at length. This piece sums up what we’re trying to do.”

1.49pm BST

Duck surprise Alexandre Pato is not only playing for Chelsea today, he’s also scored. Barry Glendenning has the latest.

1.49pm BST

Norwich v Newcastle preview

Preview: soggy bums and sobbing. @dan_brigham talks to Newcastle fan and sports journalist @ChrisMurphSport https://t.co/48JMRSgCtP

12.38pm BST

Hello. What a gorgeous day to

be at work, watching Soccer Saturday for the benefit of people you’ll never meet
sup in the Penultimate-Chance Saloon. Many of the sides involved in today’s 3pm fixtures aren’t quite at the point of no return in their attempt to finish first/fourth/17th – but they aren’t far away, and defeat this afternoon would be particularly damaging for Arsenal and Newcastle.

This, my little digital groupies, is Clockwatch gold*: it’s 3pm on a Saturday, in April, and yet all six fixtures mean something! (Before you cite Stoke v Swansea, Stoke are only five points off a Champions League place. They kept that quiet.) Norwich v Newcastle is probably the pick of the fixtures. Buckle up: for those involved today, it’s now or next week!

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Published on April 02, 2016 09:25

March 30, 2016

Barcelona and football's longest unbeaten runs | The Knowledge

Plus: Players turned referees; the biggest shocks in football history; and the earliest booking for time-wasting. Email knowledge@theguardian.com or get in touch via Twitter @TheKnowledge_GU

“Barcelona have lost none of their last 39 games,” writes Mandy Williams. “Is this a record for the longest unbeaten run in all competitions?”

Barcelona’s last defeat was in October, when they lost 2-1 to Sevilla. Since then their record is undeniably competent: P39 W30 D9 L0 F122 A23. Some you win, some you draw. They are closing in on the catchily entitled ‘longest unbeaten run in all competitions by a team that plays in one of Europe’s big five leagues’, but the world record is still a fair bit away.

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Published on March 30, 2016 02:00

Are Barcelona about to break the record for the longest unbeaten run?

Plus: Players turned referees; the biggest shocks in football history; and the earliest booking for time-wasting. Email knowledge@theguardian.com or get in touch via Twitter @TheKnowledge_GU

“Barcelona have lost none of their last 39 games,” writes Mandy Williams. “Is this a record for the longest unbeaten run in all competitions?”

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Published on March 30, 2016 02:00

March 26, 2016

Germany 2-3 England: international friendly – as it happened!

Harry Kane, Jamie Vardy and Eric Dier scored as an intrepid young England came from 2-0 down to beat the world champions

9.44pm GMT

Peep peep! The Spurs/Leicester Collective have come from 2-0 down to beat the world champions! What’s even more encouraging than the result is the performance: intrepid, slick and extremely refreshing. Dele Alli was brilliant, despite missing an open goal, and Kane and Vardy both scored memorable goals.

I just hope that Eric Dier’s late winner doesn’t break the giddyometer, because England’s youngsters could be a lot of fun this summer if they aren’t put under too much pressure. Thanks for your company, night!

9.44pm GMT

90+3 min Keep telling yourself it’s only a friendly.

9.42pm GMT

It was an outswinger from Henderson, towards the six-yard box. Dier attacked the ball in front of Schurrle and thumped a header past Neuer at the near post. This is ridiculous.

9.42pm GMT

Rudiger heads behind for another England corner. There will be three added minutes. Henderson, who has had a storming second half, takes it – and DIER SCORES! Unbelievable!

9.41pm GMT

90 min One thing England have done very well tonight is press high up the pitch. In fact they have probably defended better in Germany’s half than in their own half.

9.40pm GMT

.@vardy7 becomes the first #lcfc player since Gary Lineker in 1985 to score for @england

Hang on, what about Gary Coatsworth?

9.38pm GMT

87 min I haven’t watched every England game in the last few years, because life is short and precious, but I’d be very surprised if they’ve produced a more refreshing, uplifting performance than this in the last few years.

9.36pm GMT

85 min In a strange way, that miss might be a blessing for Alli and England. Imagine the insufferable, suffocating hype if they had come from 2-0 down to beat the world champions, with the best player on the pitch – a 19-year-old – scoring the winning goal.

9.35pm GMT

2013 Championship Playoff Semifinal... Harry Kane, Jamie Vardy & Danny Drinkwater on #LCFC's bench.

Time flies. pic.twitter.com/uTTtFHurlJ

9.35pm GMT

84 min Henderson, 20 yards out, whips a beautiful disguised curler just wide of the left-hand post. And now Dele Alli has missed an open goal! Oh, madon. Vardy nicked the ball in the Germany area, fronted up Neuer and then picked out Alli, who leaned back and sidefooted it over an open net from 12 yards.

9.33pm GMT

83 min Another corner for England, taken by Henderson. It’s headed clear.

9.32pm GMT

82 min You see a lot of those flicks behind the standing leg, but it’s rare to see one as well struck as Vardy’s. It really whistled past Neuer. It might even, as Glenn Hoddle says on ITV, have been his first touch.

9.30pm GMT

81 min Dier is booked for repeat offending. See 39 minutes.

9.30pm GMT

80 min Another Germany substitution: Gotze on, Gomez off. Germany have falsified their nine.

9.30pm GMT

79 min This comeback is the best and worst thing that has happened to this young England team. It will give them enormous belief, but it will also mean that the whole country will BELIEVE. And you know what that means.

9.29pm GMT

2-2. Give Leicester the title now. Because there will be riots if they don't win it and I'll be at the front with the flaming torch.

9.27pm GMT

77 min Schurrle’s excellent deep cross finds Ozil in far too much space on the left of the box, but he completely mishits his right-footed volley.

9.27pm GMT

76 min Lukas Podolski has come on for someone or other.

9.26pm GMT

Jamie Vardy has equalised with a brilliant goal! Barkley moved the ball to the overlapping Clyne on the right; he clipped a fast cross to the near post, where Vardy flicked a half-volley behind his standing foot that flew past Neuer. What a way to get your first England goal!

9.24pm GMT

73 min Kane wafts an ambitious long-range curler a few yards wide of the far post. England look the likelier scorers at the moment. Mind you, we all remember Romania 1998.

9.21pm GMT

72 min A double substitution for England: Vardy and Barkley replace Welbeck and Lallana.

9.21pm GMT

71 min “Imagine England were to approach the Euros the way they have approached this game,” says Gerard Scott. “They might not win but it could be their 2006 World Cup - a calling card.”

9.20pm GMT

69 min A Zorro swish of passes from England ends with Alli’s low shot being saved the left foot of Neuer. Lovely stuff again. I suspect the last pass was intended for someone other than Alli, but everything else was deliberate and there was a lovely blur of passing and movement.

9.19pm GMT

Wonderful goal from Harry Kane. Just need to sort out the central defence. Need Stones to realise his potential. Ball player there is vital.

9.18pm GMT

67 min A free-kick to England, 25 yards out. Kane takes it, and stings the flesh of someone in the wall.

9.16pm GMT

65 min “England maybe playing fairly well,” says Harry May, “but losing is still losing - and is that what we really want?”

Well it beats being boring and losing, which is what they’ve done for the last decade. And they are playing the world champions, away from home, with a team of kids. This is the most refreshing England performance in years.

9.15pm GMT

64 min A substitution: Schurrle on, Reus off.

9.12pm GMT

What a terrific goal from Harry Kane! An England corner was half cleared and came to Kane. He was on the edge of the box, facing away from goal – but then he produced a delicious Cruyff turn to lose two defenders before dragging a precise low shot across goal and in off the far post. Even without the turn it was a very accomplished finish.

9.10pm GMT

59 min Ozil has a chance to make it 3-0 but mishits his shot from 15 yards, which allows Forster to make a comfortable save. If England aren’t careful this could get grisly, which would be a shame because they have played some hugely encouraging football.

9.08pm GMT

For all England’s attacking excellence, they have been poor defensively and now they are 2-0 down. Khedira flights a classy chip towards Gomez, who gets between Cahill and Clyne to plant an accomplished header back across Forster and into the bottom corner. That’s his first goal in international football since 1971.

9.07pm GMT

55 min Welbeck mugs Can, who was trying to let the ball go out for a goalkick on the left of the box. Then he gets his head up and sidefoots it invitingly towards Henderson, whose first-time shot from 12 yards deflects off a defender for a corner. That was a crucial interception.

9.05pm GMT

54 min When England lost 4-1 to Germany at the 2010 World Cup, Dele Alli was 14 years old.

“BORING !!!” says Elizabeth Earp. “Is this the best that England do?” You what? They’ve been brilliant.

9.04pm GMT

53 min Alli, on the edge of the area, tries a scoop over the top for Lallana that is intercepted. He’s turning this match into his personal TV show.

9.03pm GMT

52 min Smalling redeems his own error on the edge of the box with a vital tackle. The ball goes to the other end of the field, where Alli’s fierce low shot from 20 yards is pushed away by the diving Neuer. It was a lovely strike and a good save.

9.02pm GMT

51 min England lost 3-1 in Germany in 1987. Just look at this glorious tackle from Peter Reid that led to their goal.

9.01pm GMT

50 min A dipping, inswinging free-kick from Reus, 40 yards out, is pawed over by Forster. It was a wicked ball, which kicked viciously off the pitch, and Forster did well in the end.

9.00pm GMT

49 min Germany have started the second half with some sterile domination – lots of possession but all in front of England.

VIDEO Kyle Walker beats Ross Barkley at rock paper scissors… get those balls, Ross! #GERENG https://t.co/CsKaGIKr9a

8.58pm GMT

Actually conceding that goal doesn't alter England's main task tonight.
And that is to flog a few of those fucking awful kits for Nike.

8.57pm GMT

48 min “Dele Alli is the Jos Buttler of English football,” says Phil Harrison. “There’s a comparison I reckon you’ll be able to get behind! Not just a potentially world-class talent but a slightly unusual, slightly un-English world-class talent.”

Well, you could argue that any world-class talent is un-English. But yeah, I know what you mean. He has the courage not to be ordinary.

8.56pm GMT

47 min “Are you seriously trying to insinuate (39 min) that Can’s foul warranted a red card?” says Rudolf Groß. “Why are you writing such nonsense?”

No. I was saying that, were this a competitive game, he’d have been booked for the earlier foul (30 min) and that it would have been a second yellow card. But thanks as ever for the respectful correspondence.

8.56pm GMT

46 min England begin the second half. Germany have brought on the giant centre-back Jonathan Tah for his debut. He replaces Mats Hummels.

8.52pm GMT

Half-time chit-chat

“Now that England are losing, please disregard my previous email,” writes Ed Wilson. “How anyone expects these gussied-up fops to summon the patriotic fervour necessary to resist the Nationalmannschaft is beyond me.”

8.40pm GMT

Germany almost make it two with the last attack of the half. Reus on the left of the box cuts the ball back beautifully to Gomez, whose low shot is desperately blocked by Rose.

With that, the whistle blows. England were excellent, yet could easily be 3-0 down. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

8.36pm GMT

Butland is being stretchered off, with both hands over his head. He doesn’t seem to be in serious pain – at least not physical pain, but his expression suggests he knows he’s done something fairly bad.

8.34pm GMT

Er, saying which. This is dumb luck for Jack Butland, who definitely is not having fun. He kicked the ball clear and immediately starting limping. A few seconds later the ball came to Toni Kroos, who ran unchallenged to within 25 yards of goal and then drilled a very good swerving shot into the bottom corner at the near post. Butland might have saved it if he was fit, and he punched the ground angrily. Now he’s struggling to hold back tears, and is going to be replaced by Fraser Forster.

8.32pm GMT

42 min The best thing about this England performance is that they look like they are having fun.

8.29pm GMT

39 min Can is booked for a foul on Welbeck, who was breaking dangerously down the left. A yellow card in a friendly usually equates to a red in a competitive game.

8.28pm GMT

38 min Kane plays an excellent ball to Welbeck, whose shot is brilliantly blocked by Can, coming round on the blindside. It deflects to Lallana, who wafts an excellent chance over the bar from 15 yards. That chance came from England winning the ball high up the field, as they have a few times tonight.

8.27pm GMT

35 min If England aren’t extremely careful they are going to develop into a useful side. In a quiet way, this first 35 minutes has been hugely encouraging.

8.22pm GMT

31 min Kane’s snapshot from the edge of the box, on the stretch, goes high over the bar. England look really sharp, and Alli has been the best player on the pitch. His swagger in such esteemed company is vaguely reminiscent of Paul Gascoigne at Italia 90.

8.20pm GMT

30 min Alli plays a give and go with Kane and is cynically fouled by Can. That’s three such fouls from the Germany defenders, which would be yellow cards in a competitive match.

8.19pm GMT

28 min The ball bounces nicely for Henderson, 25 yards from goal, so he does the decent thing and tries to score a

worldie
screamer. He doesn’t manage that, obviously, but it’s a pretty good effort that goes only a few yards wide of the far post.

8.18pm GMT

27 min Gomez has a goal wrongly disallowed for offside. He made a good run onto Khedira’s angled through pass and drove it emphatically into the far corner. He was halfway through his celebration when he realised the flag was up. It shouldn’t have been – Clyne was playing him onside.

8.16pm GMT

25 min Hummels brazenly bodychecks the advancing Welbeck but the referee plays the advantage with Kane making progress down the right. He muscles the defender aside but then, like Clyne a few minutes earlier, pulls his low cross behind the England players in the area.

8.15pm GMT

24 min A nifty backflick from Alli reinforces the sense that this is just another game for him. He is the best thing to happen to English football in a fair while.

8.13pm GMT

22 min “This new kit taps into a long tradition of England dandyism, from Beau Brummell to Carnaby Street,” writes our Dandyism Correspondent Ed Wilson. “If this electric blue hosiery can’t encourage some flair and imagination, then surely nothing can?”

You should see what they’ll be wearing against the Netherlands next week.

8.11pm GMT

19 min A promising England break involving Lallana and Welbeck ends when Clyne pulls his low cross just behind Lallana in the area. England’s performance in the first 20 minutes reminds me a bit of David O’Leary’s Leeds. No, that was a compliment.

8.08pm GMT

17 min Welbeck miscontrols an awkward pass from Henderson, 25 yards from goal. Alli roars onto the loose ball and wallops a rising half-volley a few yards over the bar. It was beautifully struck.

8.07pm GMT

16 min “Funny feeling to tonight’s game,” says Andy Bradshaw. “Tt’s an England side I want to watch. I’m intrigued how Roy will bugger it up come summer.” He’ll probably omit Mark Noble.

8.06pm GMT

14 min Cahill drills a superb long 60-yard pass to Alli, just inside the area. He was through on goal, but defenders were getting back so he tried a headed lob – a mirror image of this – that went straight through to Neuer. He might have had time to take it down on the chest, though it was pretty tight.

8.04pm GMT

Friendlies are hard enough to engage with. When both sides change their kits so they look unrecognisable it cheapens them even more. #Status

8.03pm GMT

13 min Can flings a cross towards Gomez, whose header hits the challenging Cahill and goes behind for a corner. That leads to a couple of chances for Germany: first Butland does well to beat Hummels to Gomez’s knockdown, and then Reus drags wide of the near post from 15 yards.

8.02pm GMT

12 min There’s a cracking atmosphere in Berlin. You’d almost think it was Saturday evening and that everyone had been drinking pints of Liquid Emboldener all day!

8.01pm GMT

10 min England will be pleased with this start. They haven’t created anything really, but they have been busy and fearless.

7.59pm GMT

Can't think of a worse England strip.

Do goalkeeper’s jerseys count?

7.58pm GMT

7 min England have looked good in possession in the first few minutes, and now they have their first corner. Henderson’s outswinger is won in the air by Cahill on the penalty spot, but his header flashes across goal and out of play via Kane’s attempted scorpion kick. Kane was offside anyway, and Cahill’s original header was going wide of the far post.

7.55pm GMT

4 min The first chance falls to Germany. Butland’s clearance to the halfway line comes straight back at England. A couple of seconds later, after a ricochet on the edge of the box, Khedira has the chance to shoot and it deflects off the stretching Clyne for a corner. That was an important block.

7.53pm GMT

3 min A scruffy start, nothing to report. You’re welcome!

7.51pm GMT

1 min Germany kick off from right to left. They are wearing a hideous grey and green kit; England are in red with blue socks. That’s hideous too, in truth.

A few German fans not observing the period of silence for the victims of Brussels.

7.46pm GMT

There’s an un-friendly atmosphere in Berlin, with both sets of supporters making lusty use of their vocal chords during the anthems.

7.37pm GMT

Pre-match music

7.34pm GMT

Here’s a fine tribute to Johan Cruyff, football’s greatest architect in more ways than one.

I'm an Astronaut https://t.co/WvaFjSxWuO

7.33pm GMT

England start with 4 Spurs players for 1st time since 29 April 1987 when Hoddle, Mabbutt, Hodge, Clive Allen & Waddle started versus Turkey.

7.30pm GMT

"He should play for England," Arsene Wenger said in January. But it's too late now. Column on the Alex Iwobi story: https://t.co/gwDdnuWQd9

7.30pm GMT

Some more pre-match viewing for you

This is how close England were to winning the World Cup in 1990*. There were only a few minutes of extra time remaining when David Platt’s header was disallowed. I reckon Platt was onside, just about, and that it was poor old Gazza who was in an offside position.

7.30pm GMT

An email from David Wall

“With Hodgson being widely criticised for not picking Mark Noble in the build up to these matches, why do people continue to accept some caricature of him as an unsophisticated no-nothing who is blinded by the glamour of players from the ‘big’ clubs?

7.01pm GMT

6.54pm GMT

Germany (4-2-3-1) Neuer; Can, Rudiger, Hummels, Hector; Kroos, Khedira; Muller, Ozil, Reus; Gomez.
Subs: Leno, Schurrle, Mustafi, Rudy, Podolski, Ginter, Gotze, Kramer, Draxler, Bellarabi, Tah, Volland, ter Stegen, Trapp.

England (4-2-3-1) Butland; Clyne, Smalling, Cahill, Rose; Dier, Henderson; Lallana, Alli, Welbeck; Kane.
Subs: Walker, Forster, Walcott, Stones, Jagielka, Milner, Drinkwater, Vardy, Barkley, Sturridge, Heaton.

6.50pm GMT

Spain, then France, now Germany. England’s first three friendlies since qualifying for Euro 2016 are against the three teams most likely to win Euro 2016. What’s Roy up to? What’s his angle? Some will say it’s his way of lowering expectations, and that tonight’s 4-0 humiliation will do that so successfully that by the time England go out to Portugal on penalties in the quarter-finals, a nation will be demanding that Sir Roy should arise.

The alternative interpretation is that if England win tonight, or lose bravely, they will reinforce the growing sense that they are dangerous floaters in possibly the weakest European Championship ever. Whatever happens, it should be fun, not least because of the presence of

Jordan Henderson
four young Spurs players in the starting line-up: Danny Rose, Eric Dier, Dele Alli and Harry Kane.

1.39pm GMT

Rob will be along shortly. In the meantime why not have a read of Daniel Taylor’s preview of this one:

When Roy Hodgson leads out his team in the Olympiastadion for arguably the most challenging assignment of their Euro 2016 warmup programme, it will be probably a reflection of the changing times at the top of the Premier League that there will be four Tottenham Hotspur players in his lineup who have started a grand total of seven international fixtures. Harry Kane will account for five of them. Dele Alli and Eric Dier have managed one apiece. Danny Rose will be making his England debut and anyone who has ever accused Hodgson of being scared to experiment might have to scratch the allegation off the list.

He has certainly selected an inexperienced side bearing in mind the White Hart Lane quartet, with substitute appearances included, have won 14 caps altogether. Six of his players have started fewer than a dozen England games and the entire XI has managed 161 caps. Germany, to put that in context, go through the 200 mark just with Manuel Neuer, Thomas Müller and Mesut Özil, three of their World Cup winners.

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Published on March 26, 2016 14:47

March 19, 2016

Swansea 1-0 Aston Villa: Premier League – as it happened

Federico Fernández scored the only goal to give Swansea victory over Aston Villa

7.21pm GMT

Gomis drills fractionally wide from 25 yards, a fine effort. Moments later the final whistle goes, and Swansea have surely ensured they will be in this league next season. Villa played well at times, particularly in the first half, but they were toothless in attack. Thanks for your company, goodnight!

7.18pm GMT

90 min There are four minutes of added time. In the first of those, Britton is booked for a brazenly cynical foul on Agbonlahor.

7.15pm GMT

89 min Lescott is booked for stopping a Swansea break with a tug on Gomis.

7.13pm GMT

87 min “Had a short It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia break, and let’s see what’s happening,” says Michael Rosefield. “Ah. I could probably squeeze another episode in.”

Everything’s fine.

7.11pm GMT

Watching this Swansea v AV drag - I remember when teams at the bottom had some real fight about them. These days they're just spent shadows.

7.09pm GMT

83 min “Commiserations for having to ogle the odyssey of misery that is Swansea v Villa,” says Keeley Moss. “Not having anything as sophisticated as Sky Sports, BT Sport or any other televisual means of football-viewing, I’m a third of the way through the May 2002 episode of Crimewatch UK. Which come to think of it, is probably where Villa ought to be shown given their frankly criminal defending this term.”

7.09pm GMT

82 min Swansea are as comfortable as at any stage in the match. After an excellent first half, Villa are now playing like Villa.

7.04pm GMT

78 min Villa are having a good spell, although it would be stretching it to say they look like scoring. The youngster Green has been good since coming on. Meanwhile, Swansea bring on Kyle Naughton for the impressive Modou Barrow.

7.02pm GMT

77 min “With tonight’s match as further proof, I’d submit that this Villa team is the worst in the history of the Premier League,” says Alan Gomes. “Not just the worst Villa team, which it obviously is. The very worst team in two decades of Premier League history. Even worse than that post bankrupcy Pompey affair. Tim Sherwood, take a bow!”

Never forget.

7.02pm GMT

75 min Villa’s fans appeal for handball when Cissokho’s cross hits a Swansea defender.

6.59pm GMT

74 min A Villa substitution: Gabby Agbonlahor replaces Carles Gil.

6.59pm GMT

72 min Green runs at Rangel and wins a corner for Villa. Fernandez heads it behind for a second corner, which Gil swings onto the head of Lescott. He sees it late and heads straight at Fabianski from 10 yards. That’s the third shot on target in this match.

6.54pm GMT

68 min Sigurdsson, already booked, brings Hutton down. It wasn’t enough for a second yellow. I bet Mike Dean was tempted, though.

6.53pm GMT

67 min “Shame you have to watch this filth,” weeps Paul Jaines. “To show my solidarity I am sitting in in front of an open fire sipping a beautiful aged Bordeaux and eating French cheese. I may open a Burgundy next.”

I’ll be opening some claret with a sharp pencil in a minute.

6.52pm GMT

66 min A corner to Villa, conceded by Williams. Gil swings it in from the right, and the inevitable Williams heads it clear. He is a brilliant defender.

6.50pm GMT

65 min “I’ve watched Villa all season and that’s got to be the worst goal conceded by any team,” says Thomas Darnton. “Guzan should have easily got there. He has made too many mistakes this season and I think that Remi Garde should give Mark Bunn another go because we then won’t concede shabby goals like that.”

Cutting out those cheap goals could be the difference between finishing 20th and, er, eh.

6.48pm GMT

62 min Fer nutmegs Lescott in the box but then picks the wrong option. Swansea are in control now.

6.47pm GMT

62 min A Villa substitution: the 17-year-old Andre Green replaces Veretout.

6.47pm GMT

61 min “To be honest it’s difficult ... ” begins

Malcolm Tucker
Mark Turner. “...to muster a comment and help you out in your onerous task. After a week of wonderful Cheltenham (just watched Sprinter Sacre on YouTube again...spine-tingling), then the amazing Leicester bagging another three points in a tight nail-biter we’re served as dessert...Swansea versus Aston Villa and the home team take the obvious lead after a first half of utter drudge. Sports reporting for the brave, we salute you Mister Rob.”

6.46pm GMT

60 min Sigurdsson is booked for a bad tackle on a Villa player whose name

must be withheld for legal reasons
I didn’t catch.

6.45pm GMT

58 min Remi Garde slumps back in his chair with the rueul look of a man who bought a collector’s edition DVD of 8 1/2 on eBay and has just opened the parcel to find a cassette tape of 9 1/2 Weeks.

6.42pm GMT

57 min “Not watching it either,” says Michael Rosefield. “I find Villa games are best enjoyed with eyes closed, head in hands, rocking yourself back-and-forth and telling yourself everything’s fine.”

That email came before the goal. This one came after. “EVERYTHING’S FINE, EVERYTHING’S FINE, EVERYTHING’S FINE.”

6.40pm GMT

What a scruffy goal. That foul by Cissokho led to a free-kick for Swansea 40 yards out. It was curled into the corridor of uncertainty by Sigurdsson, which tempted Guzan off his line. He got there late and flapped it onto Fernandez, who was looking the other way when the ball hit him and rebounded gently into the net.

6.39pm GMT

52 min Cissokho, on a yellow card, trips the dangerous Barrow. It looks like a second yellow card, but Mike Dean instead decides to give Cissokho a final warning. I want to marry Mike Dean.

6.38pm GMT

51 min “How do you see the relegation battle going, especially Benitez is in charge of Newcastle?” says Shaun Wilkinson. “Will he make the difference? I would suggest that whoever loses the derby tomorrow is going down with the Villa.”

Relegation battles are relatively hard to predict. There have been some thoroughly improbable escapes in the last decade – West Ham, Fulham, Wigan, Portsmouth – so I wouldn’t be surprised if any of them apart from Villa stayed up. And that’s the expertise for which you all love the Guardian.

6.35pm GMT

50 min “I am here, I have money on Siggy,” says Paul E. “Not even watching, just reading you.” I’m sorry.

6.34pm GMT

48 min Barrow makes another no-frills run infield, opening up the play. Then he shifts it to Sigurdsson, who breaks towards the area before Lescott makes an important interception.

6.33pm GMT

47 min Anyone out there? Please, please, please don’t make me do another 45 minutes of this on my own.

6.31pm GMT

46 min Swansea begin the second half. They have brought ball-retention specialist Leon Britton on for Ki.

6.16pm GMT

The match has lived down to expectations so far. Villa should be ahead, but they aren’t. See you in 10 minutes!

6.12pm GMT

42 min A terrific cross from Gueye is half cleared to Gestede, who loops an overhead kick towards goal from 12 yards. Fabianski had it covered but Williams headed it away for a corner to be on the safe side. From the corner, Clark heads over from 10 yards, a decent chance.

6.10pm GMT

40 min Williams makes an excellent sliding challenge on the right of the area to deny Ayew, and the ball deflects back off Ayew for a goalkick. Why did none of the big clubs buy Williams when he was in his prime?

6.08pm GMT

38 min Barrow runs at Cissokho but then plays a poor pass to Ki on the edge of the box. He is a threat with his speed though. Gomis then screams a long-range shot high and wide.

6.04pm GMT

35 min Rangel gets into the box on the right and picks out Sigurdsson, whose first-time shot is blocked by Clark.

6.03pm GMT

33 min Veretout’s flat cross is met with a powerful flicked header from Gestede, 15 yards out. Fabianski plunges to his left to make a comfortable save.

6.02pm GMT

32 min Sigurdsson plays a fine through ball to Barrow, who is just offside. Not that it mattered, because he over-ran the ball when he went round Guzan. He has been Swansea’s biggest threat though. He is comically fast.

6.00pm GMT

31 min With every passing minute of Villa superiority, it becomes ever more obvious that Swansea will win 1-0 with a 94th-minute own goal from Alan Hutton.

5.58pm GMT

29 min Sigurdsson curls the free kick high and wide.

5.57pm GMT

27 min Gomis finds Barrow, who zooms forward before being hoofed up in the air by Cissokho. That’s a clear yellow card and a free-kick to Swansea 30 yards from goal.

5.54pm GMT

24 min Sigurdsson’s dangerous inswinging free-kick from the left is headed behind for a corner by Lescott with Guzan flailing at fresh air.

5.52pm GMT

21 min Villa get a corner on the right. Veretout swings it out to the near post, where Clark rises and flicks a header just over the bar from six yards. He should probably have scored.

5.50pm GMT

20 min A long throw from Hutton almost breaks to Ayew in the six-yard box, and eventually it’s scrambled clear.

5.49pm GMT

19 min Kingsley’s mishit clearance hits the raised hand of Williams, but he knew precisely nothing about it and a penalty would have been harsh. I bet Mike Dean was tempted though.

5.48pm GMT

18 min Gueye’s fierce low shot from 25 yards is blocked. Villa have been by far the better team.

5.47pm GMT

16 min Gestede and Williams square up after an impromptu wrestle, and then a few of the other players join in. Mike Dean doesn’t book either player. Williams shoved Gestede in the face, which might warrant a retrospective ban the way things are these days.

5.43pm GMT

13 min Barrow’s driven cross is put behind for a corner by Clark at the near post. Sigurdsson takes the corner from the right, and the stooping Cork heads wide of the near post. It wasn’t any kind of chance.

5.39pm GMT

8 min Ayew misses a good chance for Villa. Cork lost the ball in a dangerous position, allowing Ayew to run towards goal. He slipped smoothly past Williams on the edge of the box but then walloped his shot over the bar.

5.38pm GMT

7 min “There was this as well when Villa were challenging for the title,” says Niall Mullen. “United were on the cusp of greatness. 23 years ago. Twenty three.”

5.37pm GMT

6 min Villa have started confidently and are playing some good stuff.

5.34pm GMT

3 min Fer dithers and unwittingly gives the ball to Lescott, who drills a snapshot wide from the edge of the area.

5.32pm GMT

2 min “Your preamble made me wonder: would Villa somehow staying up rival Leicester winning the league for story of the season?” says Alex Hanton. “Or are there no events in English football that could rival it? Maybe if Flamini invents time travel and Arsenal replace Gunnersaurus with an actual cloned velociraptor?”

I’m not even sure Leicester winning the league can live up to the thought of Leicester winning the league. It’s the greatest football story of our generation, at the very least.

5.30pm GMT

1 min Peep peep! We’re off.

5.09pm GMT

"Don't worry Becks, I got this!" @jimmybullard splashing the under former manager Chris Coleman's name. https://t.co/uLXvW5LcM8

5.01pm GMT

Some happier memories for Villa fans

4.35pm GMT

Swansea (4-3-3) Fabianski, Rangel, Williams, Fernandez, Kingsley; Fer, Cork, Ki; Barrow, Gomis, Sigurdsson.
Subs: Amat, Britton, Paloschi, Nordfeldt, Routledge, Montero, Naughton.

Aston Villa (4-2-3-1) Guzan; Hutton, Clark, Lescott, Cissokho; Westwood, Gana; Gil, Veretout, Ayew; Gestede.
Subs: Okore, Bacuna, Sinclair, Agbonlahor, Sanchez, Green, Bunn.

11.39am GMT

Hello. Forgive me for speaking frankly, but the love child of Don King and Barry Hearn would struggle to hype this match. It’s not without significance, however. Villa are down, barring the Mother Teresa of great escapes, but Swansea aren’t quite safe. They have a tough run-in after today, and if results go against them they could be a precarious five points clear of safety by tomorrow.

Then again, if they win at home to Villa – and, really, they will need to take a very long look in a very long mirror if they don’t – they will surely be immune from relegation.

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Published on March 19, 2016 12:21

Everton 0-2 Arsenal: Premier League – as it happened

An outstanding first-half performance kept Arsenal in the title race, with Danny Welbeck and Alex Iwobi giving them a comfortable victory

2.58pm GMT

Here’s Andy Hunter’s match report. Thanks for your company, bye!

2.38pm GMT

An accomplished performance from Arsenal keeps them in the title race. They were outstanding in the first half, when Danny Welbeck and Alex Iwobi scored, and comfortable in the second.

We’ll have a match report from Goodison Park any second now, and you can follow the 3pm games – including Crystal Palace v Leicester – with Gregg Bakowski.

2.36pm GMT

90+3 min Giroud, fed by Chambers, splashes a shot wide of the near post from 10 yards. He should have scored.

2.33pm GMT

90 min You’ll get five minutes of added time, and you’ll be thankful for them.

2.31pm GMT

88 min Funes Mori’s flat, narrow cross is headed straight at Ospina by Lukaku, ten yards from goal. It was a difficult chance because of the trajectory of the cross.

2.30pm GMT

86 min Sanchez’s momentum takes him over the hoardings and in with the Everton fans. He decides to have a breather and take a seat for a few seconds. A kid pats him on the back. It’s not like the old days.

Calum Chambers has come on for Iwobi, who had a fine full Premier League debut.

2.27pm GMT

84 min “Just a doubt I’ve had for quite some time now,” says Prasit Ghimire. “Removing a jersey in celebration results in yellow but what if the player (presumably balotelli) has the exact replica of the jersey underneath? Is it still a yellow?” That is simultaneously the best and worst question I have ever been asked. I assume it’s still a yellow, but I’ve got Howard Webb on Snapchat so I’ll check.

2.26pm GMT

83 min Giroud has a goal disallowed by Mark Clattenburg. He headed Sanchez’s corner into the net from six yards, but the whistle had gone for a foul by Iwobi on Jagielka. It was soft but probably correct.

2.24pm GMT

82 min Giroud tries to run through onto Sanchez’s pass and is deliberately tripped off the ball by Funes Mori, but Mark Clattenburg doesn’t see the incident. That should have been a foul on the edge of the box and a yellow card.

2.23pm GMT

81 min Ospina seems okay now, and Arsenal have weathered the

storm
mild gusts of a few minutes ago.

2.23pm GMT

80 min Coleman leaves a foot in on Monreal, a deliberate and nasty challenge. He should have been booked.

2.22pm GMT

78 min Coleman tries to pick a fight with Coquelin, who ignores him.

2.21pm GMT

77 min “No Arsenal bias, as I am a Villa fan so obviously just hate myself and football in general,” begins Jamie A, “but is Mr Clattenburg having a bit of an odd game and missing several obvious decisions in Arsenal’s favour?” I haven’t really noticed that, apart from the penalty. And the Bellerin bodycheck. So yeah.

2.18pm GMT

75 min Arsenal make a double substitution, with the excellent pair of Danny Welbeck and Mesut Ozil replaced by Kieran Gibbs and Olivier Giroud. Ozil is limping after an accidental collision with Stones, though I don’t think it’s anything serious.

2.16pm GMT

73 min An Everton substitution: Gerard Deulofeu replaces the quiet Ross Barkley.

2.15pm GMT

72 min Lennon lays the ball off to Cleverley, who misdirects a fierce shot from 15 yards. Ospina’s injury has strangely given Everton some momentum.

2.14pm GMT

70 min That was a great chance for Jagielka. In fact he mistimed his jump and knocked it over the bar from six yards with his shoulder. He should have scored because Ospina was nowhere.

2.12pm GMT

68 min Ospina is continuing for now, though he’s limping around his penalty area. Matt Macey is the reserve keeper. Everton win a corner and sensibly dump it right under the crossbar. Ospina is all over the place but Jagielka heads over.

2.11pm GMT

66 min Ospina just beats the sliding Lukaku to a dangerous low cross from Coleman, after which the two collide. At first it seemed like Lukaku had slid into Ospina’s head at speed; now it looks more like his back or side. That’s less of a worry, but I’m not sure he’ll be able to carry on.

2.08pm GMT

65 min All is explained.

Hilarious pop fact: no member of 'The Drifters' who just performed at Half-Time at Goodison Park has been with them since earlier than 2008.

2.06pm GMT

63 min This new Arsenal structure works well, with Elneny and Coquelin acting as servants for a very dangerous front four.

2.05pm GMT

62 min “It’s all well and good to do it at Goodison,” says Raimond Skrupskis. “But can they do it on a cold, rainy night in Barcelona?”

2.04pm GMT

61 min The marauding Bellerin knocks the ball one side of Funes Mori and attempts to run round the other before he is blatantly bodychecked. Mark Clatternburg says play on.

2.03pm GMT

60 min “The Drifters?” sniffs Joseph Rega. “Bit of ageism creeping in? Only the best R&B vocal group of all time, bridging the gap between doo-wop rock. Contemporaries of The Beatles, etc. Ben E. King, Clyde McPhatter, etc., etc. How soon they forget...”

No ageism creeping in here, though please don’t let me stop you taking offence if need your daily outrage. I was surprised that a group of their significance were playing a football ground at half-time.

2.02pm GMT

58 min Arsenal break two-on-one, with Iwobi in possession and Ozil with his own personal postcode to the left, but Iwobi’s pass is really poor and goes out for a throw-in.

1.56pm GMT

54 min Arsenal could get a tennis score here; they are in complete control and the entitled whining of the Everton fans is perpetuating itself.

1.55pm GMT

52 min A pathetic backpass from Stones gives Welbeck to chance to run through on goal, but he recovers well to get back and stop Welbeck getting a shot on goal.

1.54pm GMT

51 min “Two-nil down at home,” says Doug Morrison. “What to do? Bring on a defender, of course. The strange world of Roberto Martinez. He will have to go for Everton to make progress. As in his days at Wigan, he cannot organise a defence. Bring in Eddie Howe.”

Eddie Howe is great, but Bournemouth have conceded more goals than anyone outside the bottom four! Maybe Everton need someone who is excellent at organising a defence, like David Moyes.

1.53pm GMT

50 min Lukaku beats Gabriel with multiple stepovers but then drills a cross that is easily intercepted by Koscielny at the near post.

1.51pm GMT

48 min Bellerin is so good going forward, and he starts another move that ends with Ozil’s sidefoot from 10 yards being blocked by a defender.

1.50pm GMT

47 min Michael Owen, bless him, explains the concept of Marmite in reference to teams who play three at the back.

1.49pm GMT

On @SundaySupp from 9: @ncustisTheSun, @JNorthcroft and @johncrossmirror. pic.twitter.com/vQG0Y84o72

1.49pm GMT

Lovely counter attack by #arsenal Sanchez, Iwobi & Welbeck have been a menace so far today vs #everton on @btsport pace & movement galore.

1.48pm GMT

46 min Peep peep!

1.48pm GMT

Half-time substitution John Stones ends his loan spell at Coventry, coming on to replace Besic. Everton have gone to a back three.

1.47pm GMT

The half-time entertainment at Goodison Park is... The Drifters! The bloody Drifters! “This is what they’re doing with all the money they’ve got now...” says my colleague Gregg Bakowski.

1.46pm GMT

Here’s the league table as things stand

Arsenal fans: it’s on! Okay, it’s not necessarily on, but it’s not off either.

1.45pm GMT

Italia 90 chit-chat

“That Berti header (10 min) also illustrates what a complete liability Shilton had become,” says Martin Widdicks. “The header ends up in the middle of the goal with Shilton’s feet firmly stuck to the floor as they were for all four of the pens in the semi final. Disclaimer: as a Forest fan, it can’t be all be Pearce’s fault, right?”

1.35pm GMT

Half-time chit-chat

“It’s non-calls like that Sanchez appeal that always make me less critical of diving or going down easily,” says Brendan Pulsford. “ What are the players supposed to do when refs view attempts to stay on their feet as a sign there wasn’t heavy contact? Yet if Alexis goes down, at least a few folks are going to say he went down softly.”

1.32pm GMT

Everton are booed off, but really Arsenal should be cheered off – they gave a masterclass of Wengerian football and lead through goals from Welbeck and Iwobi. See you in 10 minutes.

1.31pm GMT

45 min Two more chances for Arsenal. First Welbeck is denied by an excellent sliding challenge. Then Iwobi, released by Welbeck’s clever flick, rattles a shot wide of the near post from a tight angle.

1.30pm GMT

Now the scoreline aptly reflects Arsenal’s majestic performance. It was a simple counter-attacking goal. Bellerin, who gets a helluva lot of assists for a defender, curled an excellent long pass that allowed Iwobi to charge through on goal from the halfway line. He ran into the box and slid the ball through Joel’s legs and into the net.

1.27pm GMT

Alex Iwobi scores on his first Premier League start!

1.25pm GMT

39 min A corner to Everton on the right. They work it so well that within five seconds they are back in their own half, pottering around in possession.

1.24pm GMT

38 min Sanchez plays a penetrative square pass to Bellerin, who makes an out-to-in run before hitting a low 18-yard-shot that is blocked by Funes Mori.

1.22pm GMT

36 min Howard Webb says it should have been a penalty for the original contact by Besic, regardless of when Sanchez went down.

1.21pm GMT

34 min Lennon runs 50 yards in thrilling style, and then he goes and spoils it all by doing something stupid like scuffing a cross straight at Koscielny.

1.19pm GMT

33 min “Afternoon Rob,” says Guy Hornsby. “As a Spurs fan, I’m clearly cheering the Toffees on (and still getting my head round the T20 result last night). You can’t see this ending 1-0, though. Both teams have leaked goals and Everton’s home record means it’s unlikely they’ll only concede this one. I’ve jinxed it now, haven’t I?”

1.18pm GMT

31 min “Never seen that Berti offside (10 min) before,” says Paul Kelly. “Even though it was only the 3rd/4th place game, that’s one of the worse offside decisions I’ve ever seen.”

Dreadful offside decisions were commonplace back then, if not quite as extreme as that. Our perception is altered slightly by the subsequent change in the offside law – level was offside in those days – but there will still umpteen shockers. Assistant refereeing has improved almost beyond belief.

1.14pm GMT

29 min Possession percentage latest: Everton 42-58 Arsenal.

1.13pm GMT

28 min Cleverley’s inducking cross is shanked high over his own bar by Gabriel. A corner to Everton on the left, to be taken by Baines. It’s a poor one and Arsenal clear.

1.12pm GMT

26 min The home fans are starting to groan at misplaced passes, which is never a good sign.

1.11pm GMT

25 min Emails please!

1.09pm GMT

23 min Besic’s precise curler from 20 yards is pushed away by the diving Ospina. He should probably have held it but it mattered not a jot as he was able to get to his feet and collect.

1.07pm GMT

21 min Another delicious move from Arsenal, this time involving Iwobi and Ozil, ends with Ozil’s shot from 15 yards being blocked desperately by Jagielka. I think that was going in the far corner.

1.04pm GMT

19 min Ozil, Sanchez and Welbeck, as well as combining for the goal, have all been superb in the first 18 minutes 23 seconds of this match.

1.01pm GMT

16 min A dangerous cross from Lennon is very well defended by Gabriel, stretching towards his own goal.

12.58pm GMT

13 min Arsenal have been brilliant so far. They are playing with the swagger of a team who have won their last 17 games, not a team who have been in crisis (sic) for the last month. You suspect there will be a few moodswings in this game, mind, as both sides are much better going forward than they are defending.

12.57pm GMT

10 min Lukaku, put through on goal, is wrongly flagged offside. It was the wrong decision but, well, we’ve seen worse.

12.54pm GMT

8 min Joel had to make another save, albeit relatively straightforward, straight after the goal. Not sure who it was from. You’re welcome!

12.54pm GMT

That was class. Arsenal kept the ball for ages until Sanchez, to the right of centre, quickened things up with a short ball into Ozil. Then he took the return and slid a gentle through pass to Welbeck, who moved smoothly around the keeper to score. That was a beautiful goal, so clean and clinical. They won’t score goals like that under Claude and Ty.

12.52pm GMT

This is a glorious team goal!

12.51pm GMT

6 min “Talking of plugs for fantastic books,” says Ian Copestake, “I am sure Leicester City are now Malcolm Gladwell’s favourite team as they seem to confirm his ‘outlier’ theory.”

12.50pm GMT

5 min “There’s more to the disquiet over Martinez than the quality of the players at his disposal,” writes Gary Naylor. “There have been rumblings for a while about the fitness and conditioning of the players and, with so many points lost in late collapses, there might be something in that. There’s concern too about a perceived reluctance to drill the defence on setpieces, which have been a problem this season. Roll in some strange substitutions and a propensity to talk up players like a fairground barker shilling a sideshow, and the malcontents have a point. I’m just – just – on the side of keeping him, but it’s a tight call even for a veteran of Wimbledon 1994 like me.”

As a reformed moron, this is what I think about it all.

12.50pm GMT

4 min Ozil curls a corner towards Gabriel, unmarked 10 yards out, and he mishits a volley miles over the bar. This has been a very entertaining start.

12.49pm GMT

2 min The vivacious Coleman wins a corner after 50 seconds, and then almost scores from it. It was drilled flat towards the near post by Cleverley, and Coleman got in front of two defenders at the corner of the six-yard box to flick the ball off the outside of the near post. Ospina wouldn’t have got to that had it sneaked inside the post.

Then Welbeck hits the post at the other end! I don’t know whether this would have counted. He was on the touchline when an attempted clearance hit him and rebounded off the outside of the post. Was Welbeck out of play when it hit him? I’m not sure but it doesn’t matter as it didn’t end in a goal.

12.46pm GMT

2 min “Why is it that John Stones and Deulofeu never play anymore?” asks Dacre. “They are arguably two of Everton’s best players. Also why does Tim Howard not play anymore?” It’s that old devil called form again. (And possibly, in Howard’s case, that old devil called old age.)

12.46pm GMT

1 min Everton, in blue, kick off from right to left. Arsenal are in their gold away kit due to the clash with their home shirt. Oh.

12.44pm GMT

Given the fragility of both sides, this might be the first football match in history would both sides would rather be 2-0 down than 2-0 up with 20 minutes to go. After you, Ty.

12.40pm GMT

A plug

Buy! Buy! Buy! (Or, rather: pre-order! Pre-order! Pre-order!). I don’t like to boast, but I can promise you that this book will be searingly competent.

12.29pm GMT

Everton v Arsenal memories, part one in a series of one

12.24pm GMT

A second email

This is a terrific point from Hubert O’Hearn, and weirdly the same observation that my colleague Gregg Bakowski made half an hour ago.

12.13pm GMT

All Arsenal’s league titles under Arsene Wenger involved staggering winning runs in the second half of the season. Ten victories in a row in 1997-98, 13 in a row in 2001-02 and nine in a row to break away from the pack in 2003-04. They might need to win their last nine this year if they are to become champions again.

Wenger’s teams have always had extreme and rapid fluctuations in confidence. If they win today and Leicester drop points, they will have renewed hope, not least because of a relatively easy run-in: Watford (H), West Ham (A), Crystal Palace (H), West Brom (H), Sunderland (A), Norwich (H), Manchester City (A) and Aston Villa (A).

12.13pm GMT

An email

“Surely Martinez’s position must be in question soon!” says Nick Parmenter. “With a spine stronger than most, I feel they should be top six minimum!”

11.58am GMT

Gratuitous post of the day

It's Matchday! "I bloody love football" #DavidBrent pic.twitter.com/PpuLFNHSKd

11.47am GMT

Everton (4-2-3-1) Robles; Coleman, Jagielka, Funes Mori, Baines; McCarthy, Besic; Lennon, Barkley, Cleverley, Lukaku.

Subs: Stones, Kone, Niasse, Deulofeu, Osman, Howard, Galloway.

11.13am GMT

Good morning and welcome to live coverage of the 47th “must-win game” of Arsenal’s season, and the first actual must-win game. If they don’t take three points at Goodison Park today their title challenge will be over, and their appalling trophy drought under Arsene Wenger will be extended to one season.

The farcical hounding of Wenger by people who would struggle to walk a metre in his shoes without suffering a breakdown, never mind a mile a day for 20 years, has become increasingly unpleasant in recent weeks. It’s a consequence of our tediously demanding, entitled culture, and something that most concerned will eventually look back on with regret.

10.18am GMT

Rob will be here soon enough. In the meantime, read Andy Hunter’s piece with Romelu Lukaku, who has picture-perfect vision and admits Everton have been off colour for just too long.

Romelu Lukaku relives that barnstorming moment against Chelsea in photographic detail, providing a frame-by-frame account of the goal that illuminated last Saturday’s FA Cup quarter-final and brought thebillionaire Farhad Moshiri the first return on his investment in Everton.

“When I got the ball from Ross [Barkley] I thought he’d get back into the box but I looked up and he was not there,” the Belgium international begins. Methodically, and in more time than it took to shrug aside César Azpilicueta, evade Branislav Ivanovic’s tackle, step inside Mikel John Obi, twist Gary Cahill one way then another and find Thibaut Courtois’s bottom corner, Lukaku then explains the thought process behind his 24th goal of a season that has seen him blossom as a centre-forward. It was not fuelled by anger, something Alan Shearer suggested in analysis that the striker needs more of. “If I’m angry then it’s difficult to play,” he responds. It was intelligence.

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Published on March 19, 2016 07:40

March 18, 2016

Middlesbrough 1-0 Hull City: Championship – as it happened

Middlesbrough scored an injury-time winner with their only shot on target to give Aitor Karanka an emotional victory on his return as manager

9.38pm GMT

Middlesbrough go above Brighton with a fortuitous but potentially crucial victory. You have to feel for Hull, who were excellent and controlled the second half, but equally you’d need a hard heart not to be happy for Aitor Karanka after the week. As Google Translate would say: Fútbol? Infierno sangriento. Thanks for your company; night!

9.35pm GMT

Middlesbrough score an injury-time winner with their first shot on target. Adomah, on the right corner of the box, curled a flat left-footed cross into the area, where Nugent flicked a very accomplished header into the net from 10 yards. Aitor Karanka went ballistic when it went in. A dramatic end to one of the stranger weeks in Middlesbrough’s history.

9.34pm GMT

Hull have been mugged!

9.33pm GMT

90 min There will be two minutes of added futility.

9.32pm GMT

89 min Nugent, in the inside-right position, runs onto Ramirez’s cute through pass and hits a first-time shot that is brilliantly blocked by the sliding Dawson.

9.31pm GMT

86 min Robertson slaloms infield from left back, plays a square pass to Hernandez and keeps running. Hernandez dinks a return pass over the top and Robertson, 15 yards out, tries to lob a header over Konstantopoulous. He can’t get enough on it and it’s a routine save, but it was lovely, enterprising stuff.

In other news, the bloke sitting to the left of the Boro chairman Steve Gibson is asleep. Literally.

9.26pm GMT

83 min Middlesbrough haven’t had a shot on target all game. Hull have had three, though their best chances were the ones that were off target.

9.25pm GMT

82 min What a chance for Elmohamady! Hernandez was found in space by Diame, 20 yards from goal. His low shot was blocked by the outrushing Gibson and deflected to Elmohamady, who screamed a volley into orbit from six yards. He was under pressure from Friend, admittedly, but he should have scored.

9.23pm GMT

81 min How about that darts last night?

9.22pm GMT

79 min These teams certainly know how to defend. You’d almost think their managers played at centre-back for two of the world’s biggest clubs.

9.21pm GMT

78 min A Hull substitution: Snodgrass off, Elmohamady on.

9.19pm GMT

75 min Nsue - aptly named, something always happens when he gets the ball - finds Adomah, and he hits his cross straight at Huddlestone.

9.16pm GMT

72 min Nicola Carter will be pleased: Abel Hernandez is coming on to replace Sone Aluko for Hull.

9.14pm GMT

71 min Now Middlesbrough are having their best spell of the half. Aitor Karanka replaces the willing, unable Jordan Rhodes with David Nugent. Rhodes will be fine, he’s just low on confidence. He didn’t play well tonight, but equally he didn’t sulk or hide.

9.14pm GMT

69 min “I’ll give you pop-culture reference,” says Art Durbano, a statement I like to imagine being shouted by John Goodman in Barton Fink. “Nice tackle a few minutes back by Adam Clayton. I just wonder why, at his age, he’s still playing.”

9.11pm GMT

67 min Ramirez escapes Huddlestone on the left and then falls over just inside the box. Andre Marriner says play on, though disappointingly he doesn’t wave play on. I think it was a foul actually, albeit it outside the box. It looked like a dive because Ramirez went over about four steps after the tackle, but I think he was stumbling in an attempt to stay on his feet before realising the essential futility of existence and falling over.

9.08pm GMT

65 min Boro are in trouble here. Hull have been far better since half-time, and a goal is on the inevitable side of likely.

9.06pm GMT

63 min Snodgrass’s dangerous inswinging free-kick is bravely punched away by Konstantopoulos under pressure from Dawson’s right boot.

9.05pm GMT

61 min Hill break three on three, but Aluko takes the selfish and wrong option. Boro counter-counter-attack, with Stuani on the right crossing low towards Rhodes at the near post. His first touch knocks it out of play, and at the same time he is tripped by the sliding Dawson. Had his first touch been better he might have got a penalty there. That’s Stuani’s last touch, with Downing replacing him.

9.03pm GMT

59 min An excellent near-post cross from Nsue towards Stuani is superbly headed away by Dawson. There are plenty of players on the pitch who are more than good enough for the Premier League - and here comes another, Stewart Downing.

9.02pm GMT

57 min Hull have quietly taken control of this game. Aluko turns smartly on the right wing and tries an audacious left-footed curler that is tipped over by the leaping Konstantopoulos. It was a fairly comfortable save but a fine effort.

8.56pm GMT

53 min Clayton takes a booking for Team Middlesbrough, hacking Aluko down to stop a dangerous Hull break.

8.53pm GMT

50 min Diame wriggles past three defenders on the left of the box and hits a cross that is deflected into the loving embrace of Konstantopoulos. Hull have started this half really well.

8.50pm GMT

48 min “If Brighton get their act together,” says Art Durbano, “these two juggernauts could meet again on the last day of the season, in that 100-million-quid one-off that has seen so many valiant sides (none of whom won the FA Cup) playing for the right to be sent right down to the 2nd-division ignominy whence they came. I’ll say this, though, Aitor Karanka is so impossibly handsome it’s ridiculous. He should have been opera star; he makes the young Placido Domingo look like - well, Steve Bruce.”

8.50pm GMT

47 min An up-and-under cross from Clucas lands on the head of Snodgrass, ten yards out, but Friend puts him under sufficient pressure to make the header very difficult and it drifts away from goal.

8.49pm GMT

46 min Peep peep! The match has resumed in accordance with the laws of the game. A draw would move Boro back up to second.

8.48pm GMT

Half-time chit-chat

“Dimminuendo,” says Tom Found of my question after 40 minutes. “GCSE MUSIC.”

8.32pm GMT

See you in 10 minutes for the second half!

8.32pm GMT

45+2 min Leadbitter is booked for kicking the ball away.

8.31pm GMT

45 min Snodgrass moseys over to the left wing before playing a neat and possibly fortuitous cutback on the turn to find the onrushing Livermore in the D. His precise first-time shot is well blocked by Gibson.

8.29pm GMT

44 min Both teams have been a bit jittery in possession. This is a textbook example of a match between two good teams in bad form.

8.26pm GMT

40 min This game started well. What’s the opposite of a crescendo?

8.24pm GMT

39 min Konstantopoulos gets caught in two minds and needlessly pats an overhit Snodgrass free-kick behind for a corner. It doesn’t matter, because the corner is also overhit.

8.22pm GMT

36 min Diame, already booked, is beaten to a 51-49 ball by Kalas and trips him in the process. Some referees would have sent him off for that; Andre Marriner didn’t, and I think it was the right decision. Diame won’t be able to make another tackle all match, mind you.

8.20pm GMT

34 min Snodgrass misses the best chance of the match! Livermore and Diame moved the ball classily to Clucas down the left. He clipped a lovely cross along the six-yard box which eluded Aluko before reaching the unmarked Snodgrass beyond the far post. He took the shot first time with his right foot but whacked it into the side netting at the near post. It might have hit the outside of the post as well.

8.18pm GMT

33 min “But to miss you have to have been getting in the right positions and strikers miss more then they score,” says Nicola Carter. “We need a win and Abel is a big-game player; Aluko isn’t.”

8.17pm GMT

32 min Diame is booked for a foul on Kalas.

8.16pm GMT

31 min Nsue shows an admirable appreciation symmetry by mishitting another cross out of play, this time on the other side of the pitch. McGregor takes an age over the goalkick, and is booed by the home fans for it.

8.14pm GMT

30 min “Why drop our top scorer in our biggest game of the season?” says Nicola Carter. “Clueless.” Hernandez has been missing a few chances lately hasn’t he?

8.13pm GMT

27 min Rhodes’s snapshot on the turn from the edge of the area is well blocked. Bill Leslie, the Sky commentator, tells us that these are the most parsimonious defences in all four divisions. Oh.

8.11pm GMT

26 min Snodgrass’s corner is headed across the box towards Davies, who can’t control the ball as it kicks up awkwardly and loops a gentle header into the hands of Konstantopoulos.

8.10pm GMT

24 min Stuani finds the right-back Nsue, who twists Robertson’s blood with a lovely feint - and then screws a miserable cross straight out of play.

8.08pm GMT

23 min I’d like to tell you this is turning into a cracking game, but I don’t want to lie to you.

8.06pm GMT

21 min Rhodes runs some sour metres to win a corner off Robertson. See 15 minutes.

8.05pm GMT

20 min There’s an important duel developing between Ramirez and Huddlestone. It’s rare to see two playmakers who are directly up against each other.

8.03pm GMT

17 min Stuani flicks a header wide from six yards after Rhodes helps the ball across the box. He might have done better there.

8.00pm GMT

15 min Now Hull have a corner. Nothing happens. I don’t know why I bother sometimes.

7.59pm GMT

13 min Ramirez’s 30-yard free-kick hits a Hull noggin and goes behind for the first corner of the match. It’s curled to the near post, where Stuani’s clever stooping header across goal is kicked off the line by Robertson. It might have been going wide of the far post but Robertson didn’t wait to find it.

7.57pm GMT

11 min A beautiful, lazy pass from Huddlestone to Robertson on the left wing sparks an attack that ends with Snodgrass shooting wide from 25 yards.

7.55pm GMT

9 min The pattern of the game is clear, with Boro playing like the, er, home side and Hull content to play on the break. It’s been a decent start, albeit without chances.

7.52pm GMT

7 min “A good idea, eh?” says Art Durbano, which is always an ominous start to an email. “New Rule: Every team in England’s top four divisions that qualifies for Europe in a given season is also guaranteed a place in the Premier League for that season. Had Reading won the FA Cup this year, they’re in the top tier next term. Had Burnley beaten Liverpool for the Milk Cup, “Right this way, Claret-men, the head table awaits.” If Villa get into the UEFA Cup next season on Fair Play, they stay up. And everyone else in the playoff/promotion carousel just moves up or down a horse. Three Championship sides still come up; three Premiership behemoths still go down. Just not necessarily the Top Three of D2 or the bottom three of the Prem. See the beauty? Now NOBODY can take the Cups for granted (lookin’ at you, Geordies); they’re the fast track to (at least a year of) The Really Big $$$$$$$.”

Don’t take this the wrong way, but no.

7.51pm GMT

5 min Diame shapes a nice long-range curler towards goal, but it’s too straight and Konstantopoulous pats it down easily.

7.50pm GMT

4 min A promising attack from Boro. Ramirez slips away from Dawson, who commits himself 35 yards from goal, and then plays an angled pass to Rhodes on the edge of the box. His first touch is imperfect – although it wasn’t the easiest ball to control – and Clucas tracks back to clear the danger.

7.48pm GMT

3 min There’s a cracking atmosphere at the Riverside. Middlesbrough have had plenty of the ball in the first few minutes, though Hull look busy on the break.

7.45pm GMT

1 min Hull kick off from right to left. Boro are in red.

7.45pm GMT

Rather bizarrely, a message from Karanka read out & shown on the big screen before the players emerge for kick-off pic.twitter.com/iWdOjqdqwf

7.43pm GMT

Anyone out there? Hello? Helloooooooooooooooooooooo?

Fear not, there are plenty more ancient, middle-age-betraying pop-culture references where that came from.

7.01pm GMT

Middlesbrough (4-2-3-1) Konstantopoulos; Nsue, Kalas, Gibson, Friend; Leadbitter, Clayton; Stuani, Ramirez, Adomah; Rhodes.
Substitutes: Agazzi, De Laet, De Sart, Downing, Fry, Forshaw, Nugent.

Hull City (4-3-3) McGregor; Odubajo, Dawson, Davies, Robertson; Livermore, Diame, Huddlestone; Snodgrass, Aluko, Clucas.
Substitutes: Jakupović, Bruce, Hernández, Maguire, Akpom, Diomande, Elmohamady.

6.55pm GMT

Good evening and welcome to the latest episode of The Improbable Struggles of Middlesbrough Football Club. A couple of months ago they were cruising into the Premier League; now, not so much. They have taken only 12 points from the last 11 games, and nobody knows quite what is going on with their manager Aitor Karanka.

In football, we often say that so-and-so “returns tonight” - especially for evening games - but it’s usually in reference to a player. It’s not often you say it about the manager. Karanka missed last weekend’s defeat at Charlton, reportedly the result of the dressing-room losing the manager rather than the other way round, but he’s back now.

6.14pm GMT

Rob will be here shortly. Whilst you wait, have a read of what Aitor Karanka had to say after he had been linked with an exit from Middlesbrough.

The club and me had everything clear. I want to make it clear that the club never thought to sack me and I never wanted to leave. The best thing is I was supporting and helping from my house because we are a team even in the worst moments. I heard a lot of stupid things that I was laughing at at home. To hear that I have problems with players in this changing room when they have given me every single thing … if I am in the position I am in now and the team is now, it’s thanks to them.”

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Published on March 18, 2016 14:38

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