Jennifer Flanders's Blog, page 32

Happy Thanksgiving {Book Giveaway}

Since my new book was released last week, I decided to make a printable coupon collection to go along with it. I thought it might be something wives might enjoy slipping into their husband’s Christmas stocking — and something their husbands would be happy to receive.

My own husband got a sneak peek at the coupon book I was assembling for him last night, however, and insisted I post it today. “It will be a great little Thanksgiving gift for your readers,” he told me, “and it will put their husbands in a really thankful mood, too.”

So, here it is. Click on the image above to download. After printing, you’ll just need to cut the coupons apart, put them in numerical order, and staple the stack together on the edge.

As an added bonus, I am also sponsoring a Rafflecopter giveaway. (Click on the link to enter.) The winner will receive eight copies of 25 Ways to Communicate Respect.

Why eight copies to one winner? Because the book lends itself so well to discussion. The post that inspired the book received over 1000 comments in sixteen weeks. That tells me that communicating respect is a topic women care about. (It’s certainly a topic men care about!)

I would have happily gone on discussing it, too, but my husband asked me to close the comments last December, so I did. But I still had more to say on the topic, which is how that original short post morphed into a full-length book–a book that I hope many wives will read and take to heart.

Offering multiple copies in this giveaway is my way of encouraging the winner to share it with her friends, so that they can discuss what they learn and hold one another accountable in applying it to their lives and marriages.

A Mother’s Job Description

It’s really something we all should be doing. But when I came across this verse in my Bible reading a couple of weeks ago, it dawned on me that 1 Thessalonians 5:14 provides a particularly apt job description for mothers:

“We urge you [to] admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

Doesn’t that about sum it up? Aren’t these the very things that God calls and expects a mother to do each and every day?

Admonish the unruly

Children of all ages can act a little headstrong and ill-behaved from time to time. When they do, a mother should stand ready to admonish them — not out of anger or irritation or exasperation, but out of love, always keeping her children’s best interest at heart. She must correct, counsel, and caution them against continuing in that vein. To do otherwise is to be guilty of negligence.

“The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” (Proverbs 29:15)

Encourage the fainthearted

Growing up is hard work, and children need a lot of motivation and morale-boosting. As a mother, we should be our child’s first and best cheerleader, offering a healthy balance of enthusiasm and empathy. We should view every day as a new opportunity to invest in our children’s inner lives and to inspire them to greatness.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)

Help the weak

Women are nurturers by nature. Helping the weak is what we do. This is especially evident when it comes to mothering. But we must be mindful to help in a way that doesn’t perpetuate weakness, but builds strength. Our goal is not to raise big children, but mature, responsible adults. We help our kids best when we teach them to help themselves and empower them to help others.

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.” (Hebrews 6:10)


Be patient with everyone

Be patient. With everyone. Did you notice the exception clause? Neither did I. The Bible doesn’t say we should be patient with everyone except the toddler who’s pitching a fit or the teen who’s copping an attitude or the son who’s begging to play on the computer after you’ve already told him “no” ten times. Neither is impatience excused if we’re dog-tired or running late or stressed out or stuck in traffic. No, our goal — even when admonishing the unruly (see #1) — is to maintain patience at all times, toward all people, in all circumstances. Period.

“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.” (Ephesians 4:2)

While these four principles sound simple enough, it’s a challenge to live by them consistently, isn’t it? Yet the latter part of this passage provides a clue as to how we might do so. It bids us to “rejoice always, pray without ceasing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-17)

This, I believe, is the secret to success in parenting (or any other endeavor): Stay positive and stay on your knees. Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. That is key.

So what sort of things would you add to the list on a mother’s job description? Did any of those requirements throw you for a loop when you first became a mother?

Is Your Husband a Problem Solver?

Are you married to a man who likes to fix things? Do you get perturbed when you look to your husband for sympathy, and he insists on offering answers, instead?

It’s tempting, when you’re upset, to interpret this hasty rush to a solution as evidence that your husband doesn’t really understand the situation, doesn’t fully appreciate the distress it has caused you, can’t adequately feel your pain. You may even think that his no-nonsense approach to the matter is just an attempt to shut you up, because he’s tired of hearing you bellyache.

I’ve entertained such thoughts myself in the past, and still have a hard time believing they aren’t at least partially true.

Yet, according to a growing body of scientific evidence, our husbands respond the way they do simply because that is how their brains are wired. (If you’d like to read all the fascinating details regarding this research, I highly recommend Louann Brizendine’s The Male Brain.)

Studies have now confirmed what we’ve all long suspected: Men and women think very differently.

A man can’t understand why his wife would waste valuable time complaining about something he could easily fix in just a few minutes. And a woman is equally perplexed, because her husband seems incapable of listening without taking on an advisory role.

Often, all we really want is a little sympathy.

We need to realize, however, that this is a husband’s way of sympathizing. Mentally searching for a solution is his way of communicating his concern, of proving that he cares, and of expressing heartfelt empathy in the way that comes most naturally to him.

Even so, it grates on us. So what’s a beleaguered wife to do?

If you want to avoid the conflict that sometimes springs from your spouse’s different method of thinking about and dealing with problems, then you really have only three options:

Stop complaining
Warn him ahead of time if all you want is a hug or a prayer or a shoulder to cry on
Listen to his counsel and accept his advice

The first option — stop complaining — is just a good rule of thumb in general. Nobody likes to be around a whiner or complainer, and the more positive we can remain towards our life and circumstances, the better off we’ll be. Nevertheless, there are times when difficult situations must be addressed and discussed. So what, then?

The second option — letting your spouse know up front that you just want him to listen without offering advice — may (theoretically) help from your point of view, but it will probably feel like torture to your husband.

Consider how you would react if the tables were turned: Imagine your husband comes home complaining of feeling famished. You offer him a snack, try to cook him some dinner, point him to the pantry, propose going out to eat, but your every suggestion is met with fierce resistance. Not only that, but your spouse accuses you of being insensitive for even attempting to come up with a solution.

“Why do you always have to fix things?” he might ask in exasperation. “I haven’t eaten all day! I’m starting to feel faint! Can’t you see how upset I am? I don’t need advice; I need sympathy. I just want to know that you’re on my side — that you understand!”

Wouldn’t it feel a little disingenuous to merely pat your husband on the back in such a situation and tell him that you’re sorry he’s having such a hard time?

Well, that’s exactly how our husbands feel, too, when we put such constraints on them and attempt to dictate their emotional responses.

In the same way that you’d feel compelled to let your hungry husband know there’s hot bread in the oven, your husband feels obligated to share his best answer to whatever problem is troubling you.

And that brings us to the third option — you can listen to your husband’s counsel and accept his advice. Don’t automatically pooh-pooh his suggestions, like the woman in this video:

He’s offering you a fresh perspective, a different vantage point, so hear him out, then do your best to implement his most reasonable recommendations.

Believe me, I know this is easier said than done. I do not like change in general, so my knee-jerk reaction to any suggestion that we do something differently is to argue in favor of the status quo.

This usually backfires.

That’s because, in God’s great providence, I married a man who embraces change with hearty enthusiasm. You might even say he likes change for change’s sake, although life with me has tempered that tendency somewhat. (Isn’t it wonderful how God balances extremes in personalities by uniting them in holy matrimony?)

I’ve learned not to complain about trivial matters, because I know my doing so will trigger my husband’s problem-solving circuits, which will inevitably lead to some sort of change that feels (to me) like more of a hassle than whatever matter I was grousing about to begin with.

Unfortunately, this does not get me completely off the hook in the advice department, because sometimes my spouse will simply see something he thinks is not working as well as it should and will make suggestions based on that observation.

My husband is very smart, extremely attentive to detail, and amazingly adept at “thinking outside the box.” So why wouldn’t I want to immediately adopt whatever measure he’s proposing?

My inborn aversion to change is only part of the problem. If I’m honest, I must admit the rest of it stems from my pride.

The Bible tells us, “Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.” (Proverbs 13:10, NLT)

Ouch! Isn’t that verse convicting? What makes me resistant to my husband’s advice? What makes me want to argue about the best course of action? The Bible says it’s my pride. “Where there is strife, there is pride,” is how the NIV translates it.

Whenever strife and arguments and contention exist, we can be certain pride is somehow involved.

It boils down to this: I want my way. I’m convinced my way is better. Is it better? Maybe. Maybe not. I’ll never know unless I hear my husband out. It is arrogant and stubborn and foolish for me to cling to my own way without even bothering to consider his ideas about a given matter.

His ideas are almost always reasonable. It would be fair to say that many of his ideas border on brilliant. We both know this, so it’s insulting and hurtful to him when I blithely discount or dismiss his suggestions.

Taking my husband’s advice does not mean I’m incapable of thinking through problems or coming up with solutions on my own. It just means I’m willing to consider his perspective and give his way a try.

Why not do the same at your house?

Don’t fight against the way God wired your husband’s brain to work. Next time you face a problem, ask for his advice. Then take it.

Doing so does not mean you’re weak. It means you’re smart.

Give Him a Gift More Precious than Gold

I am something of a legend at the hospital where my husband serves as Chief of Staff. Whenever he introduces me to anybody from work, I always hear the same thing:

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Flanders. Your husband talks about you all the time. I feel like I’ve known you for years!”

But the me they think they know is not the one who wakes up with morning breath or burns dinner to a crisp or leaves clothes in the washer so long they sour or has to hire a repairman to tell her that the reason the icemaker isn’t working is because somebody turned it off.

Not even close.

My husband’s colleagues are only familiar with the Wonder Woman version of me — the one who runs marathons and writes books and tutors calculus and sings like an angel and never sleeps.

Keep in mind, very few of these people know me except through what my spouse has told them. If he were inclined to focus on the negative instead of on the positive, their perception of me might be radically skewed (and their esteem for him would probably plummet, as well).

So my question is this: How does your husband’s reputation fare among your friends? When you are out with the girls or gabbing with coworkers, do you build him up or run him down?

What you say reflects on you as much as it does him.

The Bible tells us, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.” (Proverbs 12:4)

Your husband is at your mercy. You know him more intimately than anybody else on the planet. How will you use that knowledge? Will you choose to be a crown or a curse to him?

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue,” Scripture warns us. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:21-22)

Fitting, the juxtaposition of those two verses, don’t you think? Part of what makes a woman a good wife and a crown to her husband is her ability to measure her words, to guard her tongue, to let it be governed by the law of kindness, and to use it to speak words of life:

“Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.” (Proverbs 21:23)
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)
“When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, But he who restrains his lips is wise.” (Proverbs 10:19)
“Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.” (Proverbs 13:3)

Whether or not you appreciate the fact, your husband’s reputation is of paramount importance to him. Guys would rather feel unloved than disrespected. For ages, men even fought duels for the sake of their honor. They would sooner suffer death than have their name besmirched.

“A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.” (Proverbs 22:1)

Your husband’s good name is your good name, as well (and vice versa), so guard it carefully.Honor him in the way you speak of him to family and friends. Protect his reputation. Don’t let minor irritations or disagreements at home tempt you to badmouth him in public.

Conduct yourself in such a way that others will have no trouble understanding why your husband married you in the first place.

What Shall I Wear?

When I first published 25 Ways to Communicate Respect over a year ago, I was astounded to see how many women took offense at my suggestion that a wife should dress in a way her husband finds attractive.

In my mind, there were points on the list that were far more controversial than this one — I expected those might draw some criticism — but I never imagined #17 would provoke the ire of so many readers.

No, I’m not trying to reduce women to the sum of their physical attributes, as some falsely accuse. I concede that a woman’s worth is based on infinitely more than what she looks like.

But to say that our appearance does not matter most is not to imply that it does not matter at all.

Men are visual creatures. Putting a wedding ring on their finger does not negate that fact.

Many of us went to great lengths to look good before we got married. We combed and curled and coiffed our hair. We slicked on lip-gloss and crimped our eyelashes and primped in front of the mirror for hours on end.

Why? Because we wanted to look our best. We were trying to attract our guy’s attention. We were willing to do whatever it took to snag a husband and make him our own.

Is it fair, then, for us to pull a bait-and-switch after the wedding? Promising an attractive, pulled-together wife, but delivering curlers and cold cream? Why do we seem to think that once we marry, we can stop trying?

There may be little chance that I’ll ever be mistaken for a trophy wife, but do I really want to present myself in a way that removes all doubt? After all, the Bible does say that a virtuous wife is a crown to her husband. (Proverbs 12:4) Isn’t a crown a little bit like a trophy?

I want my man to be proud to show me off in public. Don’t you? Don’t you want to keep your husband captivated?

Then dress the part.

I’m not saying you have to wear things that you detest or find uncomfortable, nor do you need to clean your house in a cocktail dress and stiletto heels or shop for groceries in revealing negligees, but I do think you should take care of your appearance and dress in a way that pleases the man you married.

Women in the work force often adhere to very strict standards of dress, whether written or unwritten. You don’t see many female executives showing up at the office in their bathrobes and slippers, do you? Lots of women — including waitresses, nurses, police officers, surgeons, and even Supreme Court justices — must wear prescribed uniforms to work every day.

So why all the resistance about looking good on the home front? There is nothing demeaning about a woman wearing clothes her husband finds flattering and pretty. This is not oppressive. It’s not objectification.

It is simply something a wife chooses to do because she loves her man and values his opinions. It’s the same reason she pays attention to her health and hygiene and tries to get adequate rest and exercise — not only because she respects husband, but because she respects herself and wants to look and feel her best.

She wants to look her best in public…

because she understands that when she goes out into the community, she is not only representing herself, but her husband and family, as well.

She wants to look her best at home…

because she knows that looking good and feeling comfortable does not have to be an either-or proposition. (And she can really rock an apron).

She wants to look her best in private…

because that’s when it’s especially easy to please her guy. (Just because an outfit is not modest enough to wear in public or in front of the kids does not mean you can never wear it at all. Lock the bedroom door and slip into something just for your husband. Do this regularly enough, and he won’t care what you wear to clean out the garage.)

Of course, looking your best encompasses much more than what clothes you put on your body.

Our appearance is more than our apparel.

Scripture tells us our “adornment must not be merely external — braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but it [should] be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” (1 Peter 3:3-4)

So our carriage also comes into play. Our attitudes and behavior speak volumes, revealing not only what we think of ourselves, but also how we regard everyone around us.

Including our husbands.

“What attracts men to women is their femininity,” writes Dr. Laura Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, “and femininity isn’t only about appearance, it’s also about behaviors. Looking womanly and behaving sweetly and flirtatiously are gifts wives give to their husbands. This gift communicates that the husband is seen as a man, not just a fix-it guy, the bread-winner, or the sperm donor.”

That’s a good reminder.

Sprucing up for your husband and treating him like a man is not only good for him and good for your marriage — it’s good for you, as well. Doesn’t it make you feel strong and confident and desirable when you flash your husband a knowing smile and his heart gives a little flutter in response?

You captivated his attention before marriage. Why not make the effort to turn his head again?

No Complaining Allowed

The Bible says we should “do everything without complaining or arguing.” (Philippians 2:14)

That’s not a suggestion. It’s a command.

Nobody wants to be around a whiner or complainer. It is wearisome, both mentally and emotionally, to listen to the constant grumblings of a perpetually unhappy person. It grates on the nerves.

Wise parents understand this fact and train their children to communicate without whining. Our Heavenly Father expects no less from us, as is repeatedly made clear in Scripture:

“Jesus answered and said to them, ‘Do not grumble among yourselves.’” (John 6:43)
“Do not complain, brethren, against one another so that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door.” (James 5:9)
“How long shall I bear with this evil congregation who are grumbling against Me? I have heard the complaints of the sons of Israel, which they are making against Me.” (Numbers 14:27)

While it is true that God encourages us to make all our requests known unto Him, He clearly desires that we do so with a spirit of gratitude, humility, and respect—rather than with an attitude of pride, bitterness, or entitlement. The following verses bear this out:

“…but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6)
“Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.” (Colossians 4:2)
“Pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18)

It all boils down to focus. Are you going to center your thoughts on what is wrong with the world, wrong with your husband, wrong with your home? Or will you choose to look at things with eyes of gratitude, love, and understanding?

There are countless things in life over which we have no control, but we can control our thoughts and attitudes and responses. So let’s begin there.

Fostering Friendship with your Husband

The day I first met my husband, we spent three hours so totally absorbed in conversation that we were oblivious to all else. A casual observer might have assumed we were just talking, but Doug was actually and actively sweeping me off my feet at the time.

“So… I heard you don’t date,” he said to me on our second meeting.

He’d heard right, although this was more a statement of fact than a matter of principle. At our small Christian college, everyone who knew me knew that I wanted to get married, have a lot of children, and homeschool them all — and there wasn’t exactly a glut of guys vying for the chance to make that dream come true. The few who had ventured to ask me out had been summarily turned down (or scared off) once it became apparent that we didn’t share the same vision or values.

But this guy was different. My life goals neither deterred nor intimidated him, but seemed rather to pique his interest.

“I don’t date either,” he continued. (By this he meant that he’d given up dating the minute he met me.) “So… how will we spend time together?”

He then proceeded to offer a slew of suggestions: Could we eat together in the cafeteria? Yes. Could we study together at the library? Yes. Could we go to church together on Sundays? Yes. Could we attend concerts, banquets, and other campus events together? Yes. Yes. And yes, again.

We’ve been virtually inseparable ever since. While we never did call it dating, we spent as many of our waking hours together as possible, then married a year later, so we could spend our resting hours together, as well.

Whether a couple is just starting out or has been married for years, togetherness is of vital importance for the nurture and health of their friendship. How can you truly know another person unless you spend time in his presence?

Written letters, phone calls, texts, Skype, Twitter, Facebook — these are all great ways to stay connected when separation is unavoidable, but they can’t hold a candle to communicating face to face with your beloved in the living, breathing flesh.

Some couples assume togetherness will be the status quo after marriage. They expect that if two people live under the same roof, they’ll no longer have to work at coordinating schedules and carving out time for one another. That sort of thing just happens automatically, doesn’t it?

Or does it?

That might be true for the time a couple is on their honeymoon trip, but as soon as they get back home and return to school or work, life’s other obligations and responsibilities will begin conspiring to distract their attention, steal their time, and dampen their intimacy. Unless husband and wife are both careful to protect, preserve, and cherish their time together, it will slowly be eroded away and their friendship will suffer as a result.

To keep that from happening, you must be intentional about the time you spend with your spouse. Don’t let outside activities infringe upon your time together as a couple. You may have no choice but to be apart during working hours, but limit extra-curricular activities that segregate you from one another too frequently.

Need some practical ways to foster friendship with your beloved?

Set time aside daily to connect with your husband.

This might be over coffee in the morning before children are up and work duties call, or maybe over a warm bath before you turn in at night. Either way, use the time as an opportunity to discuss the day’s events and your thoughts concerning them, to relate funny or interesting things that happened while your were apart, to summarize the day’s accomplishments, to share any concerns, needs, or prayer requests, and to pray about them together.

Jealously guard your family time in the evenings.

As much as possible, say no to evening activities that take you and your husband in separate directions. An occasional board meeting or girls night out may be fine, but if your family if fragmented every night of the week for months on end, it will completely undermine all sense of togetherness.

Make the master bedroom a private retreat.

If you haven’t installed a pick-proof lock on your bedroom door, please do not wait another day to do so. This will afford you and your husband instant privacy whenever you want or need it, which is especially important once children join the family.

Take an active interest in your husband’s hobbies.

Learn what you can about his favorite sports and pastimes, then join him as a fan and cheerleader or an active participant.

Life really is better when you’re married to your best friend, but any friendship flounders when you fail to invest adequate time and energy in it. What are your favorite ways to foster friendship with your husband?

50 Life Lessons I’ve Learned the Hard Way

Knowledge gained through trial and error may be the hardest earned, but it’s usually the longest remembered.

Last year I posted 7 Life Lessons I’ve Learned from My Husband, so now I’d like to share a few life lessons I’ve learned on my own. Some of these truths were acquired by accident, some due to ignorance, some because of stubbornness, but each and every lesson was learned the hard way.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of all the mistakes I’ve ever made. These are just the ones that immediately sprang to mind when I sat down to write this post. I’m normally a quick study — once was enough to convince me I didn’t want to make most of these mistakes a second time — but I confess it took a few repetitions before I got the message on a handful of the following maxims.

So I offer you fifty gems of practical wisdom, all gained through firsthand experience. It’s less painful to learn from someone else’s mistakes instead of making your own, so if you want to spare yourself unnecessary anguish, take note:

Don’t say anything in front of a five-year-old that doesn’t bear repeating.
In the eyes of a police officer, a “rolling stop” does not count as a stop at all.
Never use your teeth to pry the cap off a coke bottle.
Listen to your mother. She’s lived longer than you, and she’s not just talking to hear herself speak.
Don’t sit down in a cow pasture without first checking the ground for fresh patties.
Never play Twister with a full bladder.
Pack an extra change of clothes for slumber parties (especially if you’ll be playing Twister while you’re there).
Don’t ignore the engine light. If it comes on while you’re driving, pull over immediately and call your dad.
Don’t circle your answers if the teacher told you to underline them.
It may not seem fair, but you can actually fail a test for not following instructions, even if you get all the answers correct.
If a baked potato has been sitting at room temperature for more than three hours, don’t eat it.
When biking down steep hills, don’t apply the front brakes without simultaneously applying the back. And wear a helmet.
If you’re no good at gymnastics, pick something else to do for the fifth grade talent show.
Fair-skinned redheads should wear sunscreen at the beach. Or a turtleneck. Or both.
When you jump off the high dive, check to make sure your swimsuit is still covering everything it’s supposed to cover before you climb out of the pool.
If all the boys in your sixth grade class are at the deep end watching, stay away from the high dive altogether.
Confirm that your ice maker is plugged in and turned on before calling a repairman.
Don’t take an antihistamine when you’re nursing, if you want to keep nursing.
Don’t teach a three-year-old how to operate the paper shredder.
If your spouse teaches your three-year-old how to operate the paper shredder, lock up all important papers or irreplaceable files immediately and hide the key.
Make sure your three-year-old doesn’t see where you hide it.
Lift with your legs, not with your back.
Never tell a lie, even if you know the truth will get you in trouble.
Going eighteen months without getting pregnant does not mean it’s time to cancel your maternity coverage.
Never store your maxi pads where your toddler can reach them.
Always double-check the bathroom before letting a guest use it (especially if your toddler knows where you store your maxi-pads).
If you find yourself in a turn-only lane, turn.
Don’t hang all the ornaments on the same side of the Christmas tree.
The longer your hair, the more important that you put it up while preparing food. Especially if a gas grill is involved.
Anytime you go anywhere with children, call roll and count heads. Twice.
When pulling forward out of a parking space, don’t turn too early. Let your front tires clear the car parked next to you first.
If your pediatrician’s nurse tells you to leave your baby undressed until the doctor comes in to examine him, go ahead and put his diaper back on while you wait.
Be careful what you pray for.
Don’t assume a person who works at a beauty salon has any haircutting experience. She may normally just shampoo, so check.
Those adorable shoes on the clearance rack are no bargain if they’re two sizes too small. If you don’t want blisters, leave them for someone with smaller feet.
Chain-link fences are no match for a two-year-old determined to get on the other side of it.
Always read the fine print.
Butter toffee peanuts are not your friend, even if they do come packaged in sturdy, square, reusable containers that fit perfectly in the rack on your pantry door. The extra pounds will remain on your thighs much, much longer than the makeshift canisters will stay in your kitchen.
Turn off the electricity before replacing a light switch.
Never feed fried mozzarella to a two-year-old. Or cake donuts.
Don’t jump in the deep end unless you know how to swim.
Before leaving home for church, restaurants, or extended vacations, check your children’s feet for shoes and socks. Just because they’ve piled into the van and claim to be ready to go does not mean they’re not barefoot.
Make sure the dishes in the dishwasher are clean before you put them away.
It is physically impossible to separate two dogs in the act of mating, so don’t bother trying. Your children (and husband) will be much more traumatized by watching your failed attempts to get that stray mutt out of your yard than by observing nature take its course.
After eating anything with poppy seeds or peppercorns, check your teeth before smiling at your date to the drama banquet. Or at his ex-girlfriend who’s seated across the table from you.
Never wash a load of laundry without first checking all pockets for gum. Or Sharpie markers. Or advance purchase movie tickets. Or cell phones.
Don’t let your three-year-old play with your iPhone if your Twitter account isn’t password protected (or if she’s wearing jeans with deep pockets).
Don’t make your husband wait until you’re in the mood. For many women, the mood rarely hits until we’re in the middle of the act, and we’d miss out completely if we made that a prerequisite.
Never use a ballpoint pen to write 38 pages of notes in the dark on the legal pad you keep beside your bed for brainstorms that come in the night. The pen could run out of ink halfway through, and you wouldn’t know it until daybreak. Use a pencil, instead.
Preferably one with a lead.

I could go on… but considering my pencil lead was broken and I didn’t know it, I think I’ll stop there.

What are some lessons you’ve learned the hard way? Please share. I’m in the mood to learn from somebody else’s mistakes, instead of my own.

A Letter to My Father

Tomorrow marks the seventh anniversary of my father’s passing.

I remember dreaming that Daddy died several years before he actually did. The dream came long before the cancer diagnosis, before his health began to deteriorate, back when he was still in the prime of life, while he was still here.

But the dream shook me up. In my dream, my father died suddenly. I woke up crying, missing him terribly, stricken by grief, and filled with remorse over all the unspoken things I should have said, would have said, if only I had another chance.

How relieved I was to realize it was only a dream and there was still time to say what was in my heart.

So I crawled out of bed in the wee hours of the morning, bleary-eyed but grateful that my dad was still in the land of the living, and scrambled around for a pen and some stationery to write a few words of gratitude to my father while I still had opportunity to do so.

This is the letter I sent him the following day:

Dear Daddy,

So many things that I’ve taken for granted for so long come crashing through my consciousness sometimes when I talk to someone whose past experiences have been so different from my own. That was definitely the case when I asked a friend this week whether he had any fond memories of his father, and he faltered with “we used to wrestle, which was fun.” We sat in silence as he searched his mind for anything else, and all the while my mind was absolutely flooded by all my precious memories of you.

How grateful I am for every one of them!

I was reminded of how you searched through the sand until you found my lost birthstone ring; how you waved from the sidelines as I marched in a school parade; how you taught me about negotiation (even with retail stores) when you bargained with the manager for a better price on all those lap desks I used to paint; how you’d bounce and flop me around in your lap in that old Lazy Boy recliner (I can still see the room spinning upside down in my mind) and pull pennies out from behind my ears or make my hair ribbons disappear in your fist or remove splinters from my fingers and toes; how you’d spend what seemed like hours making and checking addition drills for me on that terrific yellow legal pad (I still love legal pads) and would give me logic problems to do in my head on long trips or would test my night vision on far-off roadsigns; how you and Mother would let me swing between your arms on the walk home from open house at my grade school; how you’d surprise us with chocolate milk and donuts from the shop on the corner or surprise Mother with a dozen Tyler roses you bought off a street vendor for a quarter (one of my favorite memories, as she always seemed so pleased); how you’d feed us ice cream cones for breakfast (unbeknownst to Mom) and claim it was the same basic thing as cereal with milk; how you’d fit a crib mattress into the backseat of the Plymouth for trips to Oklahoma or an occasional drive-in movie; how you made me the coolest art box (with the ingenious paint palette and built-in easel) when I decided I wanted to be an artist like Aunt Loura; how you accompanied us to church every Sunday and didn’t leave it to mother to take us like the fathers of so many of our friends did; how you even noticed that my makeup was caked on too thick and threatened to pull me out of the choir loft and personally scrub it off my face if I ever wore it so heavy again; how you went to bat for me with my eighth grade English teacher when she counted off for my spelling the plural of chimney as requested, rather than the singular as was in the spelling book; how you let us clean that dirty iron scrollwork on a house you were painting (and though it was hard work, and I may have grumbled at the time – did I? – it was a wonderful feeling to be able to help you); how you’d discuss with me – I thought you talked to me just like an adult rather than a child – such awe-inspiring topics as the universe, eternity, astronomy, theology and philosophy; how you would brag on me to the family on Mema’s front porch when you thought I was out of earshot and wouldn’t hear (or did you realize I was eavesdropping from the front room?); how your blue eyes would twinkle and you’d wink at mother whenever you teased me; how you walked past the dollar-bill-on-a-string a dozen times on April Fools’ Day without ever stopping to pick it up (which annoyed me at the time, but strikes me as funny now); how you and Mother would host the church youth at our house long before Kimberly and I were old enough for youth group (as well as during and after) and how you also had homemade ice cream ready and waiting for a party (be a celebration or consolation) after cheerleading tryouts in six grade; how you always encouraged me in every endeavor and taught me not to be afraid to attempt new things and told me I could do anything I set my mind to; how you’d rescue me whenever my car broke down or ran out of gas, and would beat the bushes for me if I were ever late for curfew (which I’m sure was much more difficult before the advent of cell phones);how you loved me, and taught me, and led me, and encouraged me, and built me up from the day I was born, even until now.

I just hope and pray that my own children will have as much good and as little bad to remember about me when they are grown and gone, and will have as inexhaustible supply a fond childhood memories as I do! I don’t tell you often enough, but I love you with all my heart –

Your appreciative daughter,

Jennifer

As I read back over this letter, I’m struck by the fact that my sweetest memories are often the simplest ones. My father didn’t need to buy expensive gifts or take me on grand vacations to make my childhood wonderful. It was the little things, the every day kindnesses, that spoke loudest to my heart and assured me of his love.

My daddy wasn’t perfect. No daddy is. He seemed pretty par at the time, although the intervening years have convinced me he was extraordinary in ways my child-brain couldn’t appreciate.

Not everybody is fortunate enough to have a father like mine. If you are one of the favored few, thank God. And if you’re father’s still alive, then by all means thank him, too.

But even if you weren’t blessed with my kind of father, you can bless your own children with my father’s brand of parenting.

You can do it by pouring yourself into them. Give them generous helpings of your time, your attention, your patience, and your love.

Sure, you’ll make mistakes. None of us are perfect. But it’s the little things — the approving smiles, the candid discussions, the interest you take in what interests them, the time you spend together — that make all the difference.

What are you doing today that your child will remember fondly tomorrow?

What’s Your Body Language Broadcasting?

I’ve always been an avid people-watcher. It’s an activity I enjoy whenever I’m at the park or the pool or any other public place. Not in a stalking, staring, break-out-the-binoculars mode or manner, but in an alert, attentive, aware-of-my-surroundings kind of way.

portraits courtesy of David Flanders

I especially like observing the interactions between husbands and wives or between mothers and children. I’ve learned a lot by doing this over the years — gleaning wisdom from both positive and negative examples.



One thing I’ve discovered is that you needn’t be close enough to eavesdrop on a conversation to understand what is being said. Body language broadcasts it all, loud and clear.



That’s a good thing to remember when you’re out and about with your own family. You never know when somebody might be watching, learning, taking notes, or — in our present age of smart phones — video taping.

That’s one reason I try not to do anything in public I wouldn’t want broadcast on YouTube! Ha!

But if I am behaving in such a way that I’d be embarrassed for complete strangers to watch my actions on the Internet, how much more should I want to spare my beloved family such scenes, both in public and at home?

It’s important that we remember communication starts before a single word is uttered, before a solitary sound is intoned. It begins with attitude and posture, with body language and facial expressions.

Think about what the following actions and expressions communicate:

furrowed brows
rolled eyes
a grimace
shaking the head
a distracted stare
an angry scowl
a heavy sigh
folded arms
narrowed eyes
an impatient tapping of foot or fingers

Sometimes we revert to such gestures and expressions out of habit — but wouldn’t it be better to change them to something more positive?

a warm smile
bright eyes
a beaming countenance
upraised brows
open arms
a heartfelt hug
a happy grin
a bubbly laugh
a friendly wink
a pat on the back

The actual words we speak constitute only seven percent of total communication. Facial expressions account for a full 55 percent and vocal tone makes up the additional 38 percent.*

Think about that fact, then ask yourself the following questions: What are my nonverbal cues saying to my husband? What is my body language telling my children? Is this really the message I want to send?

* Source: For Better or for Best: A Valuable Guide to Knowing, Understanding, and Loving your Husband by Dr. Gary Smalley. (I just finished reading this book and highly recommend it!)