Stuart Hazleton's Blog: Your Best Sex, page 4

Best Sex Ahead for 2/21-2/27

Best Sex Ahead for 2/21-2/27

Aries: Since purposeful Pluto is in carnal Capricorn, you’ll feel the need to breed more than your norm. Weekends will be the best time for you to sexually shine, sign o’ the ram: This all-play and no-work period will give you extra time to focus on fornication.

Taurus: The Moon in Mercury before the 23rd, fuels your need to communicate before getting carnal. I’m not talking about raunchy wordplay during the erotic act, however, Taurus: Take your inner bull by the horns by describing in ultra-explicit detail what your plans are with your partner–then, make the plans–as well as your partner–come true.

Gemini: Since Pluto is in take-it-seriously Capricorn, let your solemn twin come out to play: Try tantric love sessions, seeing how long you can last before you let go of the big, “O,” for seriously sexual fun.

Cancer: With Mercury in Aquarius, the sign of experimentation, come out of your shell by trying something against your nature. Forgo your much-loved missionary style for a solid 69. Feeling too shy? Chug a brew–or two–then get going between the sheets.

Leo: Super-serious Saturn in sexual Scorpio has your leonine side taking pride in quality AND quantity. If there was ever a week for you to go after your other’s erogenous zone EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF THE WEEK, then this is it. And if he or her gets tired by the 5th or 6th evening of eros? Then, make like a bear stock market and go down–while you give yourself a hand, to make sure the satisfaction is two-sided.

Virgo: Since your ruler, mental Mercury is in playful Aquarius, you’ll have the most fun with out-of-the-norm sexcapades. Forgo the bed for the kitchen table, the shower–or, better yet–your backyard, since public places will totally titillate you. Keep the noise down, though, Virgo: You don’t want cops coming at the same time you are.

Libra: With fiery Mars moving through your affectionate ruler of Libra, count on making love AND war for your best possible sex combo. Fuel this sexual cycle with filthy talk so dirty it would make Madonna blush.

Scorpio: With Venus in get-the-job-done Capricorn, you’re gonna take sex too much by-the-numbers, if you don’t slow down and enjoy the ride. If your partner starts to get a bored expression, remember that for this week anyway, it’s better to give than to receive. Demonstrate your oral skills, Scorpio, without saying a word: With your innate sexual skills you’ll make sure to add the carnal complexity your partner craves.

Sagittarius: When the Moon moves into oh-so-sexy Sagittarius on the 23rd, one round just won’t cut it. At the very least, go for two: You’ll enjoy the second coming MUCH more than the first!

Aquarius: Masterful Mars in laid-back Libra has you wanting to take the upper hand, in the bedroom and beyond, this month, so call all sexual shots to supercharge your sex life.

Pisces: Jupiter in Cancer makes you even more tender hearted than you usually are, so go fornicationally fishing by baiting your mate with loads of foreplay. Kiss, caress, rub and masssage–then, go full throttle for your best sexual session.

Here’s to great sex…

–Stuart Hazleton

Gettin’ some sun at the beach

Best Sex Ahead for 2/21-2/27

Aries: Since purposeful Pluto is in carnal Capricorn, you’ll feel the need to breed more than your norm. The weekend will be the best time for you to sexually shine, sign o’ the ram: This all-play and no-work period will give you extra time to focus on fornication.

Taurus: The Moon in Mercury before the 23rd, fuels your need to communicate before getting carnal. I’m not talking about raunchy wordplay during the erotic act, however, Taurus: Take your inner bull by the horns by describing in ultra-explicit detail what your plans are with your partner–then, make the plans–as well as your partner–come true.

Gemini: Since Pluto is in take-it-seriously Capricorn, let your solemn twin come out to play: Try tantric love sessions, seeing how long you can last before you let go of the big, “O,” for seriously sexual fun.

Cancer: With Mercury in Aquarius, the sign of experimentation, come out of your shell by trying something against your nature. Forgo your much-loved missionary style for a solid 69. Feeling too shy? Chug a brew–or two–then get going between the sheets.

Leo: Super-serious Saturn in sexual Scorpio has your leonine side taking pride in quality AND quantity. If there was ever a week for you to go after your other’s erogenous zone EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF THE WEEK, then this is it. And if he or her gets tired by the 5th or 6th evening of eros? Then, make like a bear stock market and go down–while you give yourself a hand, to make sure the satisfaction is two-sided.

Virgo: Since your ruler, mental Mercury is in playful Aquarius, you’ll have the most fun with out-of-the-norm sexcapades. Forgo the bed for the kitchen table, the shower–or, better yet–your backyard, since public places will totally titillate you. Keep the noise down, though, Virgo: You don’t want cops coming at the same time you are.

Libra: With fiery Mars moving through your affectionate ruler of Libra, count on making love AND war for your best possible sex combo. Fuel this sexual cycle with filthy talk so dirty it would make Madonna blush.

Scorpio: With Venus in get-the-job-done Capricorn, you’re gonna take sex too much by-the-numbers, if you don’t slow down and enjoy the ride. If your partner starts to get a bored expression, remember that for this week anyway, it’s better to give than to receive. Demonstrate your oral skills, Scorpio, without saying a word: With your innate sexual skills you’ll make sure to add the carnal complexity your partner craves.

Sagittarius: When the Moon moves into oh-so-sexy Sagittarius on the 23rd, one round just won’t cut it. At the very least, go for two: You’ll enjoy the second coming MUCH more than the first!

Aquarius: Masterful Mars in laid-back Libra has you wanting to take the upper hand in the bedroom and beyond this month, so call all sexual shots to supercharge your sex life.

Pisces: Jupiter in Cancer makes you even more tender hearted than you usually are, so go fornicationally fishing by baiting your mate with loads of foreplay. Kiss, caress, rub and masssage–then, go full throttle for your best sexual session.

Here’s to great sex…

–Stuart Hazleton

Your Rising Sign Explained

Okay, ready for the next lesson in astrology? Then, listen up–and I’ll try to make this more exciting than discussing politics with Paris Hilton. I’m gonna talk about rising signs today and how they affect your love/dating/sex life. Once you’ve figured out your rising sign, (that you can discover by typing in something like, “astrology chart),” on Google, so you can find out what it is–realize this: It’s how the world sees you! When people first meet you, they’re NOT noticing your Sun sign at all. They’re ONLY seeing your rising sign during a first impression–because that’s how you present yourself to the outside world. Say you’re a Libra, who is easily wounded by words, with tough-as-nails Capricorn rising–the social-climbing sign that always gets to the top. On first impression, people are going to see you as ultra-ambitious and over-the-top, even though, deep down, that’s not who you really are at all. Others may react to this by being a bit more callous and catty than they’d normally be: They don’t have a clue about your real qualities–yet. Capricorns ROCK–two of my best friends of 10 years are gutsy goats–but a more sensitive sign, SEEN as a Capricorn, might get some unexpected reactions from others at first.

That’s why first dates really don’t mean shit in your love life unless you’re only aiming for a one night stand. Get to know your possible other half better with a second and third date: Only over time will that other sign get to see you for who you actually are. Think of your rising sign this way: It’s what protects you from the outside world–because if people know exactly who you are from the first second they lay eyes on you, they can hurt you badly–and with so many mean guys and girls out there, you want and need that protection. When it comes to dating however, all it means is that the old adage, “It takes awhile to get to know the real you,” is oh-so-true. You’ll begin to open up more as time passes once you’ve realized this person might actually be someone you want to get to know. Trust me on this: I initially didn’t like most of the people who ended up being my best friends, as well as my mate–AT ALL Give romance a real chance by seeing a potential other at least two or three more times. Then, if you still can’t stand ‘em, flush ‘em down the toilet like cat poop, scooped out of the litter box.

Ciao4now!

Stuart Hazleton

5 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life Plus a Crash Course in Astrology

So you’ve been together a long time and passionate nights have been exchanged for watching American Idol on your DVR (pardon me while I puke!) Here are some ways to revive the spark in your sexual synergy–no matter what astrological sign you are!

1. Watch something raunchy together. As in, that’s right–the “P” word–PORN. Not all porn is bump and grind, John Holmes-style dominance over a woman (not that there’s anything wrong with that, if that’s what you’re into!) There’s also classy stuff out there for the straight, bi and gay sets. Keep looking until you discover something that turns both you and your partner on. Then, share a glass of White Zinfandel while you watch the boob tube (unless you’re a gay guy, in which case, other descriptive words might be more appropriate): You’ll be mucho-surprised at what pops up!

2. Have a date night. Pretend you’ve just met–even if you’ve been together 50 years–and go on a REAL first date all over again. Dress up, go to a fancy restaurant, followed by a sexy flick, horror pic or action movie at the theater. The problem with sagging sex lives is that we begin to take ourselves and our partners for granted–SO STOP! My advice, since in spite of my raunchy persona, I was actually always a ‘good guy’ on first dates? Don’t head for bed once you’re done with your evening. Sleep in separate rooms for that night only, just like you’re REALLY on a first date and the, “No sex ’til the third date rule still applies.” Of course you don’t REALLY have to wait for the third date in this second-go-round at lust and love: By the next night, you’ll definitely want to be getting busy in bed.

3. Have an affair (that’s not really an affair!) Pretend you and your mate have never met before and hook up at a bar, night club or strip joint. Introduce yourselves as if you’ve never seen each other before–then go have a wild night of passion with someone you’ve NEVER met–even though you’ve actually known him or her all along!

4. Get physical. It’s amazing what a good workout can do for sagging libidos: Lifting weights and/or jogging together will do a lot more than just get your heart rate up! Once you’re all hot and sweaty, hop into the shower together, rinse each other clean, and try a DIFFERENT way of getting blood pumping to all the right places!

5. Play a toned-down version of truth-or-dare. This can be risky if you don’t set certain ground rules first, so make sure you do. Don’t ask your partner about her or his prior sexual experiences with other people. Ask “truth,” questions more along the lines of, “What do you prefer? To give–or to receive?” You may be surprised at some of the answers your partner gives! They’ll help you get to know your other half better and get your private parts seriously hot-and-bothered. As far as the dares? Well, anything goes–the only caveat being that if your partner refuses the dare, she or he has to perform a sexual act on you that you’ve previously agreed to.

Now get going, get busy and get into bed–or on the kitchen table–or the bathroom floor–or in your backyard! I think you get where I’m going with this and if you go with the flow, you’ll be coming in addition to going.

All right, now it’s time for a VERY quick crash course in astrology. I’ll go way more into these points later, but, for now, this is a good place for you to start. Astrology ISN’T all about Sun Signs, in the way I wrote for Cosmopolitan and Sex-Scopes. Astrology actually goes much deeper than that. You see, you’re not just ruled by your Sun Sign–that’s just your primary influence. In actuality, you have nine planets influencing you–plus a rising sign. (And when I say, ‘rising,’ for once I’m not being dirty so get your head out of the gutter and listen up!) As I explain in Sex-Scopes, your Sun Sign (along with your decanate) is your primary influence in determining your sexual likes and dislikes. But until you know what signs your OTHER planets are in, you’re just not getting the full picture. Say you’re a Scorpio but have Venus in the house of Libra. That’s going to add some Libran qualities to your secretive, sexual nature. How do you find this stuff out? There are free sites all over the net that will do your chart for you, telling which signs your various planets are in. Find one of these sites, type in your birth date info, and start broadening your understanding of astrology. For example, say you’re a Sagittarius but have many of the other planets fall into the house of Virgo. Well, you’re going to have a prissy side to your nature that Sagittarians usually don’t have! So do the math by getting your chart done: It will broaden your understanding of all things astrology–as well as everything that makes you want to bump-and-grind in the bedroom!

Good luck recharging your sex lives and I hope you all begin delving deeper into your true astrological selves. Until next week–TOODLES!

Getting busier between the sheets and delving deeper into astrology.

Stuart

Me at Lake Eufaula

Trying to cool down after a jog at Lake Eufaula in 100 degree weather. This is something I would NOT recommend: I felt sick for about 5 hours after the run…not much fun!

My Facebook site is listed under Babbaboo Skidoo! (Don’t ...

My Facebook site is listed under Babbaboo Skidoo! (Don’t ask why: I’m weird. That’s the short answer!)

Me, pretending to be asleep!

Okay, I wasn’t actually asleep: I was thinking about an algebra problem that was VERY difficult…

Okay, okay, that’s BS too, but at least something was hard!!!

I’m back, bitches!

So, after taking about 10 years off from writing to take care of my terminally ill mom, going a little bonkers, gaining a bunch of weight, and going to work in construction, I’m coming back from the proverbial dead (I know, WTF, right? Me? In construction?! And I wasn’t even high–just mother-fucking bat-shit crazy! Though, as Norman Bates says, we all go a little mad sometimes, right?)

Anyway, to paraphrase the poster from Halloween 4, after 10 years, I’m back–with a fucking vengeance. I’ve lost the weight, got my shit together, am in the final editing stages of an uber-raunchy novel that will curl your toes, and ready to start tackling issues like female empowerment, astrology, gay rights, animal rights and any other fucking thing that pops into my sex-crazed brain. 

The first thing I plan on tackling is a crash course on astrology and kick-starting your sex drive. I’ll be doing this some time next week. This isn’t the stuff you read me write about in Cosmopolitan (though I adored that company and job more than I can ever say). This will be a bit more in depth and a LOT more raunchy, so you, the reader can figure out some of your own destiny without me spelling everything out for you–as well as what you can do to keep your mojo strong, jump start it, or even resurrect it. Count on my first detailed column coming out sometime next week. In the meantime, shoot for the stars–after all, if you fail, the worst that’ll happen is you’ll end up getting higher than you were before–and that’s never a bad thing, right?!

Meanwhile, I’m posting a pic of my mate and me. Next week, I’ll post our wedding pic as well as tips on getting your marital bed kick-started even when you’ve been together a long time. My mate and I have been together twenty years now and although you might have to snag a little gasoline to liven your libidos, there are ALWAYS ways to turn the sexual sparks in your relationship into a raging fire. I’ll let you in on all the juicy secrets.

     I’m a gigantic fan of Dan Savage and if he and his partner occasionally get it on discretely with others to keep their dicks hard, that’s cool–but, as they say, different strokes for different folks–and that path’s just not for me. I plan on giving options for those of you who want to revive the raunch without doing the dirty on the sly. Am I saying you should never have a threesome? FUCK NO. If you’re thinking that, you don’t know me very well. What I will explain is how to keep your sexual energy flowing at full speed in different ways while remaining monogamous. Are my ideas tried and true? You bet–and I’m going to go into deliciously dirty detail very, very soon.

So, for all the fans who supported me during my dark days, for all the people who bought my book Sex-Scopes when I stayed in bed with the blinds drawn, and for everyone who put positive remarks about me on the net when I was finishing off my third pint of Haagen Dazs, it’s payback time–and if my writing doesn’t get something hard and wet, well, then I’m doing something very wrong–and trust me: This is going to be very, very RIGHT.

So get ready bitches: It’s gonna be a bumpy ride–but trust me when I make sure you’ll enjoy EVERY bump and grind. Until next week, keep the home fires burning, snag some lube and grab your partner: The games are about to begin again. And this time the sex won’t just be a job–it’ll be an adventure!

All my best and I look forward to talking to all of you very, very soon,

Stuart Hazleton

 

Stuart Hazleton

Me, trying my best to look studly!