Stuart Hazleton's Blog: Your Best Sex

SEX/SOAP excerpt plus September Astro

Excerpt from SEX/SOAP and Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology

SEX/SOAP EXCERPT

Here’s the latest excerpt from SEX/SOAP, from Nomi’s point of view, (basically the main character of the novel.) This scene takes place in the 90’s, where we’ve moved from the characters being somewhat-sexed to WAY oversexed. I’ll post one more excerpt, that takes place in present time, next month, but–past that–the tease is over. Enjoy!

1992

Chapter 30

Nomi

October

Manhattan

Taking Care of Business

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea for her to move back,” I said into the phone, sliding back into the warm, Giorgio Red-scented bubbles that filled the bath I’d been sitting in. “I mean, why move back to L.A.? Between the massive lump sum Wes and that bitch she calls her mother gave her, plus the money from Jarrod’s life insurance policies, she could go anywhere. So why L.A.? It’s not as if her acting is going to lead to anything.”

“Mom,” Kirsten said, in that ‘Mom-you’re-not-very-bright-so-let-me-spell-it-out-for-you,’ tone she knew irritated me. “First off, you don’t know she can’t make it as an actress and second—“

“Despite the fact almost every single actress in Hollywood is blonde and blue eyed—just like her,” I pointed out. “She’ll be facing very stiff competition and God knows, of the three of you, Paige chokes in competition.

“Let’s at least give her the opportunity to find out,” my darling, know-it-all daughter said. “If you would have let me finish Mom, I was going to add, that Paige is thinking about becoming a producer instead of an actor—and people with money—whether they’re green or not, tend to automatically have a lot of pull in La-la Land.”

“She still shouldn’t move back there,” I said, sullenly. “And if she does—why not wait until after Roman and Sandler get married—or unionized—or whatever it is they’re calling it.”

“That’s not ’til December and Paige is ready to leave now. Besides, would you want to live with Noreen? There’s only so much time Paige can spend with Elizabeth and Wes—or with Roman and Sandler, when they’re going at it like rabbits.”

“Are there gay rabbits?” I pondered—half serious, half joking.

“Well, Brer Rabbit: He was always hanging out with those blue birds,” my daughter answered quickly. “And Thumper always seemed a little—“

“Don’t even go there,” I said, trying somewhat unsuccessfully to loofah my back while talking. “His name was Thump Her, remember?”

“Ahhh, that was all just Disneyfied: In the original story, his name was ‘Thump Him.’ That rabbit got around from what I hear,” my daughter kidded. “We know all the dirty little secrets about who’s in the closet here at Tempo.”

I smiled at the name of her workplace, my irritation evaporating as I felt gratitude: I was so proud of my daughter, I didn’t even think I’d ever get over it.

“And what about the court case?” I asked. “Elizabeth seems down, so I’ve been afraid to ask.”

I leaned my head back against the cool tile of the bathroom wall: I often felt guilty my life had turned out better than my best friend’s.

“Actually, it’s going pretty well: Roman’s thinking they might even win everything Travis owes them. Elizabeth’s gonna lose the house at some point, obviously, but, hopefully she’ll end up with a big chunk of change.”

“Thank God,” I replied. “This is the longest, most drawn out divorce I’ve ever heard of except for those Bass people. Also, Elizabeth needs a break from fighting that bastard for the last three years. It is interesting though how you and Paige suddenly remembered you were both with Roman the day he overheard all that stuff: It certainly strengthens their case. It all sounds rather…well, unbelievable.”

“Like me getting a job at Tempo?” My witty daughter asked. “Or Paige being splattered with bits of her husband’s brain? Roman becoming a sex-columnist for straight women? Or you creating a successful business when society says you should have really been alone, pining over Dad’s Latino libido? Our lives are a soap opera, Mom, and we’re trapped in it, so you’d best get used to it: There are certainly worse genres to be in, after all.”

Connor opened the bathroom door, and checked out my left tit, the other covered by bubbles, as he unzipped to pee—or at least that’s what I thought. Instead, he just pulled his dick out and stared at me expectantly.

“Enough about court cases,” my husband exclaimed. “I want to hear more about these horny rabbits.”

I blew the bubbles off my right breast so he could get the full effect and I heard him give a quick intake of breath. “Gay or nay, that got me all riled up—thought we might take care of some business before we meet Mr. Beat-Me-Off or whatever his name is.”

“Is that my horny stepfather?!” Kirsten screeched. “I’m the one who set this up—and if the two of you embarrass me in front of Mr. Bessemer and Ms. Spitz when I’ve gotten them this close to invest in your business, well, I’ll—“

I sighed and smiled at my husband as I interrupted my daughter.

“Yes, it’s your stepfather and no we won’t embarrass you when we talk about expanding the travel agency through the internet with their investments. We appreciate the help, daughter-dearest.”

Connor looked down at his hardening cock.

“Not sure we need any help after all,” he said quickly. “I seem to be expanding just fine.”

“My God, he’s a dirty old man,” Kirsten laughed. “And to think that old, married people aren’t supposed to have sex.”

“Tell that to your boss,” I pointed out. “Tempo and Cosmo liberated me in the first place. Blame them: I could still be married to a gay guy who can’t stay true, instead of this sex-a-holic.”

Connor grinned, pulling his pants all the way down, to reveal legs that were just as tanned and toned as when I’d first met him.

Sorry to be a total tease, but, I’ve always been kinda good at that. Check out September astrology past the links below…

Here’s a quick link to Amazon’s web-store, where you can buy Sex-Scopes,

Sex-Horoscopo, all my mangas, my novel, SEX/SOAP, or pre-order

the first volume of Friend-Scopes:

http://astore.amazon.com/hazlestu-20

Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology:

Prepare For a Possible Fall

With unstable Uranus in flux, get ready for some major changes.

Some will be good, some will be bad–but trying to avoid change is like Eddie Murphy, hoping for a hit with Beverly Hills Cop Part 17: It ain’t gonna happen.

ARIES:

Friend-Scope:

Tired Neptune makes you need more than your usual 40 winks of sleep from the 17th through the 27th. This uncharacteristic lack of energy may confuse allies who think you’re losing interest, so, make sure friends understand this is a physical phase that has nothing to do with them. After the 27th, expect a return to your usual abundant energy level.

Sex-Scope:

When your mate–or date–has you wanting to call all sexual shots on the 28th, get ready to do so–with gusto! Face it, fire sign: You’ve always liked to take charge of all things carnal, and, this is the perfect opportunity to do so, so speak up before getting seriously sexual!

TAURUS:

Friend-Scope:

Your ruling planet, charming Venus has you oozing so much charisma this month you’ll feel like the next Channing Tatum or Emma Roberts. Use this burst of beauty to foster friendships you’ve left idle and to fire up new ones. The really great news? This supernova of flash and sass lasts from the 6th to month’s end. Use this period of uber-attractiveness wisely, earth sign–to increase your bevy of buds and increase already strong bonds.

Sex-Scope:

Your usually reserved side takes a backseat as hedonistic Venus put you in the mood for very sloppy second and third rounds on the 13th. Normally, you’re the type who likes to shower between sex acts, but doing so during this deliciously dirty bout of bedroom bops is a mistake: Staying a little wet, hot and bothered will just add to the fun!

GEMINI:

Friend-Scope:

Wild-child Jupiter makes you a party waiting to happen on the 19th and 20th, so give in to Jupe’s party-boy vibe by throwing a get together for friends, acquaintances and even frenemies: With your penchant for witty wordplay, if a not-so-awesome ally tries to publicly stab you in the back at your soiree, not only will that attack miss the mark, you’ll have a blast firing back!

Sex-Scope:

Submissive Venus has you wanting to submit to your paramour on the 26th. If you fully trust your erotic other half, once you’ve agreed on a safe word, let him or her break out silk sashes to tie your hands to the bedpost before going full out raunch-and-roll. If trust isn’t at 100%, however, opt for something far less manic–the missionary position may sound tired but it’s tried and true, and, if anything occurs that makes you feel uncomfortable it’s easy to push your other off of you.

CANCER:

Friend-Scope:

When an awesome ally, who can’t forget a tragic event from his or her past, comes to you for advice after the 6th, use wordsmith Mercury’s powers-of-persuasion to pull your pal out of the past. With so much uncertainty in the air this month, count on this being a serious call for help–and it certainly won’t be coming from someone who’s just an acquaintance or occasional ally. This is one of your best buds, water sign–and he or she needs your insight ASAP

Sex-Scope:

With pared-down Pluto calling sexual shots from the 16th through the 20th, you’ll feel like exploring your erotic nature sans clothing. By all means, ditch your duds, Cancer–but unless you feel like spending a night in jail, make sure you only do so at home with the blinds drawn. Meanwhile, if you’re lucky enough to live in the country with no neighbors? Letting it all hang out for a few days when you’re not at work will ensure things will suddenly pop up.

LEO:

Friend-Scope:

Get a second opinion when a true friend delivers some dumb advice around the 29th. Although this info will immediately ring false, you may find yourself dwelling on it it you don’t have one of your down-to-earth allies talk some sense into the equation.

Sex-Scope:

Reveal your true feelings on the 25th, when surprisingly sensitive asteroid Juno has you wanting to play house with your partner. If this sounds more boring than binge-watching Full House, think again, fire sign: Grab stuff for a sexy supper during this time, but avoid plates so you can take turns licking foodstuffs off your fornicating friend as a form of foreplay–then, let the real action begin!

VIRGO:

Friend-Scope

Soothing Venus has you wanting to de-stress from the 7th on, so only hang out with favorite friends and opt for relaxation. Whether said relaxation is shared time at the gym, taking turns hitting a punching bag, or, hanging out for a mani-pedi all depends on you and your personality. Indulge yourself for a change, earth sign–and stop being so damned stressed out.

Sex-Scope:

The stress I spoke of above also strains bedroom boundaries from the 5th on, courtesy of nervous Mercury, your ruler. If you’re coupled, this will have you needlessly needling your other half, thinking she or he is screwing around (this isn’t the case, sign-of-the-virgin-lite)! Meanwhile, if you’re cruising a crush, yeah, of course it’s a possibility this cutie might be considering his or her options–that’s part of the dating game, Virgo and you’ll simply have to deal with it–but acting nervous and needy will doom coupling so keep that behavior in check. If you do have a better half, aim for slow and easy sex that soothes–and let some of the wilder signs engage in raunch, that you’re better off just reading about.

LIBRA

Friend-Scope:

Kiss and make up when you see the possibility to rekindle an old friendship after the 5th. This ancient annihilation of your alliance was due to a misunderstanding, courtesy of confusing asteroid Chiron. Work past this, with careful communication and something that’s a tough, tough word for you to swallow–TRUST. Reacquainting yourself with this blast from your past will solidify your base of buds and a Libra can never have too many truly close comrades.

Sex-Scope:

Raunchy Mars has you gunning for erotic action from the 21st through the 27th. Count on being consumed with extra energy that has you wanting truly wanton wants like a threesome. Carefully consider the repercussions of such an act, sign-o’-the-scales: If communication about such carnal desires isn’t entirely explicit and honest, everything from your relationship can be wrecked or your life through unwanted–and awful–illness. If you’re still interested in more than one bed buddy at a time, after careful discussion, agreement from ALL parties, and danger avoidance (yeah, I’m talking about rubbers and smart sex) make with a decidedly different Donna Reed route, Libra–and make yourself a sandwich.

CAPRICORN:

Friend-Scope:

Muddled Mars has you way too concerned with what others think after the 25th. This is a time for introspection, my ambitious goat, so plot out goals instead of bonding with buds–and whatever you do, don’t form any new friendships during this period: They won’t be real and could cause very real trouble for you sooner than you think.

Sex-Scope:

Nocturnal Neptune has you wanting to pull an all-nighter when it comes to sexuality on the 20th. Give in to this thrust of lust with carefully timed Cappucinos and Frappucinos: Sometimes a trip to sexual satisfaction is only as far away as your nearest Starbucks!

SCORPIO:

Friend-Scope:

You’ll literally feel sick to your stomach when you discover someone you viewed as an ally is anything but, courtesy of eye-opening Uranus on the 15th. Though you’ll consider vengeance, avoidance is a much better bet: While revenge may work well for Mr. Voorhees in the Friday the 13th flicks, in real life it just leads to escalation, so, while dumping this dud IS key, retaliation is dumber than Jessica Simpson–so make like that stupid 80’s slogan and ‘just say no’ to negativity.

Sex-Scope:

Innovative Uranus has you wanting to push past your bedroom boundaries between the 11th and the 14th. Normally, my advice would be to go for it, but with so much uncertainty in the air, turning fiction into friction will be just that–which could ultimately doom your partnership or literally crush your crush. Stow away those whips and chains and opt for something less sexually straining. Save your sense of fun however: Just because you can’t live out your fantasy doesn’t mean you need to view bedroom bops as a job–unless said job has ‘blow’ as the word just before.

SAGITTARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

With responsible Saturn pulling behind-the-scenes strings on the 9th through the 12th, look for a new ally at work or school, who’ll help drive you to success. This ambitious type is most likely a Gemini, Aquarius or Capricorn, but, with so many planets in play, the easiest way to scope out this new special friend is to look for a person outside your inner circle who has a quick wit and obvious big plans for the future.

Sex-Scope:

Be careful not to stroke your sexuality away from the 17th on, with nit-picky Mercury only interesting you in a perfect partner. What am I talking about, Sagi-guy or gal? You’ll suddenly be finding your porn stash more potent than your other half or possible partner. Realize those pics/videos you’re looking at of perfect people aren’t real: Many porno stars look like drowned rats once the heavy make-up has been removed (please don’t ask how I know this! ;-) ) Step away from your computer screen to have actual interaction with a real live person, because face it, fire sign: You can’t take your hand out on a date!

AQUARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

Juggle Saturn-sent stress after the 29th, when a bushel of buddies all want your insight at once. There are two ways of looking at this, Aqua-man or woman: Wig out from all the questions, or, prioritize your allies according to their problems–and be thankful that you have so many true-blue friends!

Sex-Scope:

Go balls-deep when Mars gives you extra staying power between sheets on the 6th. Run with the raunch by taping the titillation with your phone–but with Uranus throwing everything up in the air, delete that data once you and your bed buddy–or buddies!–have reviewed the raunch! :-)

PISCES:

Friend-Scope:

Expect flashes of your future when your ruling planet, knowing Neptune, increases insight into a frenemie’s behavior on the 6th. Normally, I’d advise you to avoid this budding back-stabber but she or he may hold some ideas to help you build a happier future–with advice concerning your other, or, an ex-passion partner. Pay attention to body language to help you add to your already-sensitive 6th sense.

Sex-Scope:

What feels like exhaustion is anything but, when bedroom-eyed Venus has you all about visuals but not so much about action. My advice, fishy? If you’re a guy slip into your sexiest underwear–whether boxers or briefs is up to you–and if you’re female, break out that beautiful lingerie you’ve been keeping for a special occasion. Then, once you’ve got yourself dudded-up, let your dude or dudette do all the work! ;-)

What’s that old Nike slogan again? Just do me?!

Actually, I don’t think that’s quite it–but…just do me anyway…

September Astro

Excerpt from SEX/SOAP and Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology

SEPTEMBER 9, 2014

SEX/SOAP EXCERPT

Here’s the latest excerpt from SEX/SOAP, from Nomi’s point of view, (basically the main character of the novel.) This scene takes place in the 90’s, where we’ve moved from the characters being somewhat-sexed to WAY oversexed. I’ll post one more excerpt, that takes place in present time, next month, but–past that–the tease is over. Enjoy!

1992

Chapter 30

Nomi

October

Manhattan

Taking Care of Business

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea for her to move back,” I said into the phone, sliding back into the warm, Giorgio Red-scented bubbles that filled the bath I’d been sitting in. “I mean, why move back to L.A.? Between the massive lump sum Wes and that bitch she calls her mother gave her, plus the money from Jarrod’s life insurance policies, she could go anywhere. So why L.A.? It’s not as if her acting is going to lead to anything.”

“Mom,” Kirsten said, in that ‘Mom-you’re-not-very-bright-so-let-me-spell-it-out-for-you,’ tone she knew irritated me. “First off, you don’t know she can’t make it as an actress and second—“

“Despite the fact almost every single actress in Hollywood is blonde and blue eyed—just like her,” I pointed out. “She’ll be facing very stiff competition and God knows, of the three of you, Paige chokes in competition.

“Let’s at least give her the opportunity to find out,” my darling, know-it-all daughter said. “If you would have let me finish Mom, I was going to add, that Paige is thinking about becoming a producer instead of an actor—and people with money—whether they’re green or not, tend to automatically have a lot of pull in La-la Land.”

“She still shouldn’t move back there,” I said, sullenly. “And if she does—why not wait until after Roman and Sandler get married—or unionized—or whatever it is they’re calling it.”

“That’s not ’til December and Paige is ready to leave now. Besides, would you want to live with Noreen? There’s only so much time Paige can spend with Elizabeth and Wes—or with Roman and Sandler, when they’re going at it like rabbits.”

“Are there gay rabbits?” I pondered—half serious, half joking.

“Well, Brer Rabbit: He was always hanging out with those blue birds,” my daughter answered quickly. “And Thumper always seemed a little—“

“Don’t even go there,” I said, trying somewhat unsuccessfully to loofah my back while talking. “His name was Thump Her, remember?”

“Ahhh, that was all just Disneyfied: In the original story, his name was ‘Thump Him.’ That rabbit got around from what I hear,” my daughter kidded. “We know all the dirty little secrets about who’s in the closet here at Tempo.”

I smiled at the name of her workplace, my irritation evaporating as I felt gratitude: I was so proud of my daughter, I didn’t even think I’d ever get over it.

“And what about the court case?” I asked. “Elizabeth seems down, so I’ve been afraid to ask.”

I leaned my head back against the cool tile of the bathroom wall: I often felt guilty my life had turned out better than my best friend’s.

“Actually, it’s going pretty well: Roman’s thinking they might even win everything Travis owes them. Elizabeth’s gonna lose the house at some point, obviously, but she hopefully she’ll end up with a big chunk of change.”

“Thank God,” I replied. “This is the longest, most drawn out divorce I’ve ever heard of except for those Bass people. Also, Elizabeth needs a break from fighting that bastard for the last three years. It is interesting though how you and Paige suddenly remembered you were both with Roman the day he overheard all that stuff: It certainly strengthens their case. It all sounds rather…well, unbelievable.”

“Like me getting a job at Tempo?” My witty daughter asked. “Or Paige being splattered with bits of her husband’s brain? Roman becoming a sex-columnist for straight women? Or you creating a successful business when society says you should have really been alone, pining over Dad’s Latino libido? Our lives are a soap opera, Mom, and we’re trapped in it, so you’d best get used to it: There are certainly worse genres to be in, after all.”

Connor opened the bathroom door, and checked out my left tit, the other covered by bubbles, as he unzipped to pee—or at least that’s what I thought. Instead, he just pulled his dick out and stared at me expectantly.

“Enough about court cases,” my husband exclaimed. “I want to hear more about these horny rabbits.”

I blew the bubbles off my right breast so he could get the full effect and I heard him give a quick intake of breath. “Gay or nay, that got me all riled up—thought we might take care of some business before we meet Mr. Beat-Me-Off or whatever his name is.”

“Is that my horny stepfather?!” Kirsten screeched. “I’m the one who set this up—and if the two of you embarrass me in front of Mr. Bessemer and Ms. Spitz when I’ve gotten them this close to invest in your business, well, I’ll—“

I sighed and smiled at my husband as I interrupted my daughter.

“Yes, it’s your stepfather and no we won’t embarrass you when we talk about expanding the travel agency through the internet with their investments. We appreciate the help, daughter-dearest.”

Connor looked down at his hardening cock.

“Not sure we need any help after all,” he said quickly. “I seem to be expanding just fine.”

“My God, he’s a dirty old man,” Kirsten laughed. “And to think that old, married people aren’t supposed to have sex.”

“Tell that to your boss,” I pointed out. “Tempo and Cosmo liberated me in the first place. Blame them: I could still be married to a gay guy who can’t stay true, instead of this sex-a-holic.”

Connor grinned, pulling his pants all the way down, to reveal legs that were just as tanned and toned as when I’d first met him.

 

 

 

Sorry to be a total tease, but, I’ve always been kinda good at that. Check out September astrology past the links below…

 

 

Here’s a quick link to Amazon’s web-store, where you can buy Sex-Scopes,

Sex-Horoscopo, all my mangas, my novel, SEX/SOAP, or pre-order

my next book, Friend-Scopes:

http://astore.amazon.com/hazlestu-20

Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology:

Prepare For a Possible Fall

With unstable Uranus in flux, get ready for some major changes.

Some will be good, some will be bad–but trying to avoid change is like Eddie Murphy

hoping for a hit with Beverly Hills Cop Part 17: It ain’t gonna happen.

ARIES:

Friend-Scope:

Tired Neptune makes you need more than your usual 40 winks of sleep from the 17th through the 27th. This uncharacteristic lack of energy may confuse allies who think you’re losing interest, so, make sure friends understand this is a physical phase that has nothing to do with them. After the 27th, expect a return to your usual abundant energy level.

Sex-Scope:

When your mate–or date–has you wanting to call all sexual shots on the 28th, get ready to do so–with gusto! Face it, fire sign: You’ve always liked to take charge of all things carnal, and, this is the perfect opportunity to do so, so speak up before getting seriously sexual!

TAURUS:

Friend-Scope:

Your ruling planet, charming Venus has you oozing so much charisma this month you’ll feel like the next Channing Tatum or Emma Roberts. Use this burst of beauty to foster friendships you’ve left idle and to fire up new ones. The really great news? This supernova of flash and sass lasts from the 6th to month’s end. Use this period of uber-attractiveness wisely, earth sign–to increase your bevy of buds and increase already strong bonds.

Sex-Scope:

Your usually reserved side takes a backseat as hedonistic Venus put you in the mood for very sloppy second and third rounds on the 13th. Normally, you’re the type who likes to shower between sex acts, but doing so during this deliciously dirty bout of bedroom bops is a mistake: Staying a little wet, hot and bothered will just add to the fun!

GEMINI:

Friend-Scope:

Wild-child Jupiter makes you a party waiting to happen on the 19th and 20th, so give in to Jupe’s party-boy vibe by throwing a get together for friends, acquaintances and even frenemies: With your penchant for witty wordplay, if a not-so-awesome ally tries to publicly stab you in the back at your soiree, not only will that attack miss the mark, you’ll have a blast firing back!

Sex-Scope:

Submissive Venus has you wanting to submit to your paramour on the 26th. If you fully trust your erotic other half, once you’ve agreed on a safe word, let him or her break out silk sashes to tie your hands to the bedpost before going full out raunch-and-roll. If trust isn’t at 100%, however, opt for something far less manic–the missionary position may sound tired but it’s tried and true, and, if anything occurs that makes you feel uncomfortable it’s easy to push your other off of you.

CANCER:

Friend-Scope:

When an awesome ally, who can’t forget a tragic event from his or her past, comes to you for advice after the 6th, use wordsmith Mercury’s powers-of-persuasion to pull your pal out of the past. With so much uncertainty in the air this month, count on this being a serious call for help–and it certainly won’t be coming from someone who’s just an acquaintance or occasional ally. This is one of your best buds, water sign–and he or she needs your insight ASAP

Sex-Scope:

With pared-down Pluto calling sexual shots from the 16th through the 20th, you’ll feel like exploring your erotic nature sans clothing. By all means, ditch your duds, Cancer–but unless you feel like spending a night in jail, make sure you only do so at home with the blinds drawn. Meanwhile, if you’re lucky enough to live in the country with no neighbors? Letting it all hang out for a few days when you’re not at work will ensure things will suddenly pop up.

LEO:

Friend-Scope:

Get a second opinion when a true friend delivers some dumb advice around the 29th. Although this info will immediately ring false, you may find yourself dwelling on it it you don’t have one of your down-to-earth allies talk some sense into the equation.

Sex-Scope:

Reveal your true feelings on the 25th, when surprisingly sensitive asteroid Juno has you wanting to play house with your partner. If this sounds more boring than binge-watching Full House, think again, fire sign: Grab stuff for a sexy supper during this time, but avoid plates so you can take turns licking foodstuffs off your fornicating friend as a form of foreplay–then, let the real action begin!

VIRGO:

Friend-Scope

Soothing Venus has you wanting to de-stress from the 7th on, so only hang out with favorite friends and opt for relaxation. Whether said relaxation is shared time at the gym, taking turns hitting a punching bag, or, hanging out for a mani-pedi all depends on you and your personality. Indulge yourself for a change, earth sign–and stop being so damned stressed out.

Sex-Scope:

The stress I spoke of above also strains bedroom boundaries from the 5th on, courtesy of nervous Mercury, your ruler. If you’re coupled, this will have you needlessly needling your other half, thinking she or he is screwing around (this isn’t the case, sign-of-the-virgin-lite)! Meanwhile, if you’re cruising a crush, yeah, of course it’s a possibility this cutie might be considering his or her options–that’s part of the dating game, Virgo and you’ll simply have to deal with it–but acting nervous and needy will doom coupling so keep that behavior in check. If you do have a better half, aim for slow and easy sex that soothes–and let some of the wilder signs engage in raunch, that you’re better off just reading about.

LIBRA

Friend-Scope:

Kiss and make up when you see the possibility to rekindle an old friendship after the 5th. This ancient annihilation of your alliance was due to a misunderstanding, courtesy of confusing asteroid Chiron. Work past this, with careful communication and something that’s a tough, tough word for you to swallow–TRUST. Reacquainting yourself with this blast from your past will solidify your base of buds and a Libra can never have too many truly close comrades.

Sex-Scope:

Raunchy Mars has you gunning for erotic action from the 21st through the 27th. Count on being consumed with extra energy that has you wanting truly wanton wants like a threesome. Carefully consider the repercussions of such an act, sign-o’-the-scales: If communication about such carnal desires isn’t entirely explicit and honest, everything from your relationship can be wrecked or your life through unwanted–and awful–illness. If you’re still interested in more than one bed buddy at a time, after careful discussion, agreement from ALL parties, and danger avoidance (yeah, I’m talking about rubbers and smart sex) make with a decidedly different Donna Reed route, Libra–and make yourself a sandwich.

CAPRICORN:

Friend-Scope:

Muddled Mars has you way too concerned with what others think after the 25th. This is a time for introspection, my ambitious goat, so plot out goals instead of bonding with buds–and whatever you do, don’t form any new friendships during this period: They won’t be real and could cause very real trouble for you sooner than you think.

Sex-Scope:

Nocturnal Neptune has you wanting to pull an all-nighter when it comes to sexuality on the 20th. Give in to this thrust of lust with carefully timed Cappucinos and Frappucinos: Sometimes a trip to sexual satisfaction is only as far away as your nearest Starbucks!

SCORPIO:

Friend-Scope:

You’ll literally feel sick to your stomach when you discover someone you viewed as an ally is anything but, courtesy of eye-opening Uranus on the 15th. Though you’ll consider vengeance, avoidance is a much better bet: While revenge may work well for Mr. Voorhees in the Friday the 13th flicks, in real life it just leads to escalation, so, while dumping this dud IS key, retaliation is dumber than Jessica Simpson–so make like that stupid 80’s slogan and ‘just say no’ to negativity.

Sex-Scope:

Innovative Uranus has you wanting to push past your bedroom boundaries between the 11th and the 14th. Normally, my advice would be to go for it, but with so much uncertainty in the air, turning fiction into friction will be just that–which could ultimately doom your partnership or literally crush your crush. Stow away those whips and chains and opt for something less sexually straining. Save your sense of fun however: Just because you can’t live out your fantasy doesn’t mean you need to view bedroom bops as a job–unless said job has ‘blow’ as the word just before.

SAGITTARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

With responsible Saturn pulling behind-the-scenes strings on the 9th through the 12th, look for a new ally at work or school, who’ll help drive you to success. This ambitious type is most likely a Gemini, Aquarius or Capricorn, but, with so many planets in play, the easiest way to scope out this new special friend is to look for a person outside your inner circle who has a quick wit and obvious big plans for the future.

Sex-Scope:

Be careful not to stroke your sexuality away from the 17th on, with nit-picky Mercury only interesting you in a perfect partner. What am I talking about, Sagi-guy or gal? You’ll suddenly be finding your porn stash more potent than your other half or possible partner. Realize those pics/videos you’re looking at of perfect people aren’t real: Many porno stars look like drowned rats once the heavy make-up has been removed (please don’t ask how I know this! ;-) ) Step away from your computer screen to have actual interaction with a real live person, because face it, fire sign: You can’t take your hand out on a date!

AQUARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

Juggle Saturn-sent stress after the 29th, when a bushel of buddies all want your insight at once. There are two ways of looking at this, Aqua-man or woman: Wig out from all the questions, or, prioritize your allies according to their problems–and be thankful that you have so many true-blue friends!

Sex-Scope:

Go balls-deep when Mars gives you extra staying power between sheets on the 6th. Run with the raunch by taping the titillation with your phone–but with Uranus throwing everything up in the air, delete that data once you and your bed buddy–or buddies!–have reviewed the raunch! :-)

PISCES:

Friend-Scope:

Expect flashes of your future when your ruling planet, knowing Neptune, increases insight into a frenemie’s behavior on the 6th. Normally, I’d advise you to avoid this budding back-stabber but she or he may hold some ideas to help you build a happier future–with advice concerning your other, or, an ex-passion partner. Pay attention to body language to help you add to your already-sensitive 6th sense.

Sex-Scope:

What feels like exhaustion is anything but, when bedroom-eyed Venus has you all about visuals but not so much about action. My advice, fishy? If you’re a guy slip into your sexiest underwear–whether boxers or briefs is up to you–and if you’re female, break out that beautiful lingerie you’ve been keeping for a special occasion. Then, once you’ve got yourself dudded-up, let your dude or dudette do all the work! ;-)

What’s that old Nike slogan again? Just do me?!

Actually, I don’t think that’s quite it–but…just do me anyway…

Excerpt from SEX/SOAP and Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology

Here’s the latest excerpt from SEX/SOAP from Nomi’s point of view (basically the main character of the novel.) This scene takes place in the 90’s, where we’ve moved from the characters being somewhat-sexed to WAY  oversexed. I’ll post one more excerpt, that takes place in present time, next month, but–past that–the tease is over. Enjoy!

1992

Chapter 30

Nomi

October

Manhattan

Taking Care of Business

 

 

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea for her to move back,” I said into the phone, sliding back into the warm, Giorgio Red-scented bubbles that filled the bath I’d been sitting in. “I mean, why move back to L.A.? Between the massive lump sum Wes and that bitch she calls her mother gave her, plus the money from Jarrod’s life insurance policies, she could go anywhere. So why L.A.? It’s not as if her acting is going to lead to anything.”

“Mom,” Kirsten said, in that ‘Mom-you’re-not-very-bright-so-let-me-spell-it-out-for-you,’ tone she knew irritated me. “First off, you don’t know she can’t make it as an actress and second—“

“Despite the fact almost every single actress in Hollywood is blonde and blue eyed—just like her,” I pointed out. “She’ll be facing very stiff competition and God knows, of the three of you, Paige chokes in competition.

“Let’s at least give her the opportunity to find out,” my darling, know-it-all daughter said. “If you would have let me finish Mom, I was going to add, that Paige is thinking about becoming a producer instead of an actor—and people with money—whether they’re green or not, tend to automatically have a lot of pull in La-la Land.”

“She still shouldn’t move back there,” I said, sullenly. “And if she does—why not wait until after Roman and Sandler get married—or unionized—or whatever it is they’re calling it.”

“That’s not ’til December and Paige is ready to leave now. Besides, would you want to live with Noreen? There’s only so much time Paige can spend with Elizabeth and Wes—or with Roman and Sandler, when they’re going at it like rabbits.”

“Are there gay rabbits?” I pondered—half serious, half joking.

“Well, Brer Rabbit: He was always hanging out with those blue birds,” my daughter answered quickly. “And Thumper always seemed a little—“

“Don’t even go there,” I said, trying somewhat unsuccessfully to loofah my back while talking. “His name was Thump Her, remember?”

“Ahhh, that was all just Disneyfied: In the original story, his name was ‘Thump Him.’ That rabbit got around from what I hear,” my daughter kidded. “We know all the dirty little secrets about who’s in the closet here at Tempo.”

I smiled at the name of her workplace, my irritation evaporating as I felt gratitude: I was so proud of my daughter, I didn’t even think I’d ever get over it.

“And what about the court case?” I asked. “Elizabeth seems down, so I’ve been afraid to ask.”

I leaned my head back against the cool tile of the bathroom wall: I often felt guilty my life had turned out better than my best friend’s.

“Actually, it’s going pretty well: Roman’s thinking they might even win everything Travis owes them. Elizabeth’s gonna lose the house at some point, obviously, but she hopefully she’ll end up with a big chunk of change.”

“Thank God,” I replied. “This is the longest, most drawn out divorce I’ve ever heard of except for those Bass people. Also, Elizabeth needs a break from fighting that bastard for the last three years. It is interesting though how you and Paige suddenly remembered you were both with Roman the day he overheard all that stuff: It certainly strengthens their case. It all sounds rather…well, unbelievable.”

“Like me getting a job at Tempo?” My witty daughter asked. “Or Paige being splattered with bits of her husband’s brain? Roman becoming a sex-columnist for straight women? Or you creating a successful business when society says you should have really been alone, pining over Dad’s Latino libido? Our lives are a soap opera, Mom, and we’re trapped in it, so you’d best get used to it: There are certainly worse genres to be in, after all.”

Connor opened the bathroom door, and checked out my left tit, the other covered by bubbles, as he unzipped to pee—or at least that’s what I thought. Instead, he just pulled his dick out and stared at me expectantly.

“Enough about court cases,” my husband exclaimed. “I want to hear more about these horny rabbits.”

I blew the bubbles off my right breast so he could get the full effect and I heard him give a quick intake of breath. “Gay or nay, that got me all riled up—thought we might take care of some business before we meet Mr. Beat-Me-Off or whatever his name is.”

“Is that my horny stepfather?!” Kirsten screeched. “I’m the one who set this up—and if the two of you embarrass me in front of Mr. Bessemer and Ms. Spitz when I’ve gotten them this close to invest in your business, well, I’ll—“

I sighed and smiled at my husband as I interrupted my daughter.

“Yes, it’s your stepfather and no we won’t embarrass you when we talk about expanding the travel agency through the internet with their investments. We appreciate the help, daughter-dearest.”

Connor looked down at his hardening cock.

“Not sure we need any help after all,” he said quickly. “I seem to be expanding just fine.”

“My God, he’s a dirty old man,” Kirsten laughed. “And to think that old, married people aren’t supposed to have sex.”

“Tell that to your boss,” I pointed out. “Tempo and Cosmo liberated me in the first place. Blame them: I could still be married to a gay guy who can’t stay true, instead of this sex-a-holic.”

Connor grinned, pulling his pants all the way down, to reveal legs that were just as tanned and toned as when I’d first met him.

 

 

 

Sorry to be a total tease, but, I’ve always been kinda good at that. Check out September astrology past the links below…

Here’s a quick link to Amazon’s web-store, where you can buy Sex-Scopes,

Sex-Horoscopo, all my mangas, my novel, SEX/SOAP, or pre-order

my next book, Friend-Scopes:

http://astore.amazon.com/hazlestu-20

Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology:

Prepare For a Possible Fall

With unstable Uranus in flux, get ready for some major changes.

Some will be good, some will be bad–but trying to avoid change is like Eddie Murphy

hoping for a hit with Beverly Hills Cop Part 17: It ain’t gonna happen.

ARIES:

Friend-Scope:

Tired Neptune makes you need more than your usual 40 winks of sleep from the 17th through the 27th. This uncharacteristic lack of energy may confuse allies who think you’re losing interest, so, make sure friends understand this is a physical phase that has nothing to do with them. After the 27th, expect a return to your usual abundant energy level.

Sex-Scope:

When your mate–or date–has you wanting to call all sexual shots on the 28th, get ready to do so–with gusto! Face it, fire sign: You’ve always liked to take charge of all things carnal, and, this is the perfect opportunity to do so, so speak up before getting seriously sexual!

TAURUS:

Friend-Scope:

Your ruling planet, charming Venus has you oozing so much charisma this month you’ll feel like the next Channing Tatum or Emma Roberts. Use this burst of beauty to foster friendships you’ve left idle and to fire up new ones. The really great news? This supernova of flash and sass lasts from the 6th to month’s end. Use this period of uber-attractiveness wisely, earth sign–to increase your bevy of buds and increase already strong bonds.

Sex-Scope:

Your usually reserved side takes a backseat as hedonistic Venus put you in the mood for very sloppy second and third rounds on the 13th. Normally, you’re the type who likes to shower between sex acts, but doing so during this deliciously dirty bout of bedroom bops is a mistake: Staying a little wet, hot and bothered will just add to the fun!

GEMINI:

Friend-Scope:

Wild-child Jupiter makes you a party waiting to happen on the 19th and 20th, so give in to Jupe’s party-boy vibe by throwing a get together for friends, acquaintances and even frenemies: With your penchant for witty wordplay, if a not-so-awesome ally tries to publicly stab you in the back at your soiree, not only will that attack miss the mark, you’ll have a blast firing back!

Sex-Scope:

Submissive Venus has you wanting to submit to your paramour on the 26th. If you fully trust your erotic other half, once you’ve agreed on a safe word, let him or her break out silk sashes to tie your hands to the bedpost before going full out raunch-and-roll. If trust isn’t at 100%, however, opt for something far less manic–the missionary position may sound tired but it’s tried and true, and, if anything occurs that makes you feel uncomfortable it’s easy to push your other off of you.

CANCER:

Friend-Scope:

When an awesome ally, who can’t forget a tragic event from his or her past, comes to you for advice after the 6th, use wordsmith Mercury’s powers-of-persuasion to pull your pal out of the past. With so much uncertainty in the air this month, count on this being a serious call for help–and it certainly won’t be coming from someone who’s just an acquaintance or occasional ally. This is one of your best buds, water sign–and he or she needs your insight ASAP

Sex-Scope:

With pared-down Pluto calling sexual shots from the 16th through the 20th, you’ll feel like exploring your erotic nature sans clothing. By all means, ditch your duds, Cancer–but unless you feel like spending a night in jail, make sure you only do so at home with the blinds drawn. Meanwhile, if you’re lucky enough to live in the country with no neighbors? Letting it all hang out for a few days when you’re not at work will ensure things will suddenly pop up.

LEO:

Friend-Scope:

Get a second opinion when a true friend delivers some dumb advice around the 29th. Although this info will immediately ring false, you may find yourself dwelling on it it you don’t have one of your down-to-earth allies talk some sense into the equation.

Sex-Scope:

Reveal your true feelings on the 25th, when surprisingly sensitive asteroid Juno has you wanting to play house with your partner. If this sounds more boring than binge-watching Full House, think again, fire sign: Grab stuff for a sexy supper during this time, but avoid plates so you can take turns licking foodstuffs off your fornicating friend as a form of foreplay–then, let the real action begin!

VIRGO:

Friend-Scope:

Soothing Venus has you wanting to de-stress from the 7th on, so only hang out with favorite friends and opt for relaxation. Whether said relaxation is shared time at the gym, taking turns hitting a punching bag, or, hanging out for a mani-pedi all depends on you and your personality. Indulge yourself for a change, earth sign–and stop being so damned stressed out.

Sex-Scope:

The stress I spoke of above also strains bedroom boundaries from the 5th on, courtesy of nervous Mercury, your ruler. If you’re coupled, this will have you needlessly needling your other half, thinking she or he is screwing around (this isn’t the case, sign-of-the-virgin-lite)! Meanwhile, if you’re cruising a crush, yeah, of course it’s a possibility this cutie might be considering his or her options–that’s part of the dating game, Virgo and you’ll simply have to deal with it–but acting nervous and needy will doom coupling so keep that behavior in check. If you do have a better half, aim for slow and easy sex that soothes–and let some of the wilder signs engage in raunch, that you’re better off just reading about.

LIBRA

Friend-Scope:

Kiss and make up when you see the possibility to rekindle an old friendship after the 5th. This ancient annihilation of your alliance was due to a misunderstanding, courtesy of confusing asteroid Chiron. Work past this, with careful communication and something that’s a tough, tough word for you to swallow–TRUST. Reacquainting yourself with this blast from your past will solidify your base of buds and a Libra can never have too many truly close comrades.

Sex-Scope:

Raunchy Mars has you gunning for erotic action from the 21st through the 27th. Count on being consumed with extra energy that has you wanting truly wanton wants like a threesome. Carefully consider the repercussions of such an act, sign-o’-the-scales: If communication about such carnal desires isn’t entirely explicit and honest, everything from your relationship can be wrecked or your life through unwanted–and awful–illness. If you’re still interested in more than one bed buddy at a time, after careful discussion, agreement from ALL parties, and danger avoidance (yeah, I’m talking about rubbers and smart sex) make with a decidedly different Donna Reed route, Libra–and make yourself a sandwich.

CAPRICORN:

Friend-Scope:

Muddled Mars has you way too concerned with what others think after the 25th. This is a time for introspection, my ambitious goat, so plot out goals instead of bonding with buds–and whatever you do, don’t form any new friendships during this period: They won’t be real and could cause very real trouble for you sooner than you think.

Sex-Scope:

Nocturnal Neptune has you wanting to pull an all-nighter when it comes to sexuality on the 20th. Give in to this thrust of lust with carefully timed Cappucinos and Frappucinos: Sometimes a trip to sexual satisfaction is only as far away as your nearest Starbucks!

SCORPIO:

Friend-Scope:

You’ll literally feel sick to your stomach when you discover someone you viewed as an ally is anything but, courtesy of eye-opening Uranus on the 15th. Though you’ll consider vengeance, avoidance is a much better bet: While revenge may work well for Mr. Voorhees in the Friday the 13th flicks, in real life it just leads to escalation, so, while dumping this dud IS key, retaliation is dumber than Jessica Simpson–so make like that stupid 80’s slogan and ‘just say no’ to negativity.

Sex-Scope:

Innovative Uranus has you wanting to push past your bedroom boundaries between the 11th and the 14th. Normally, my advice would be to go for it, but with so much uncertainty in the air, turning fiction into friction will be just that–which could ultimately doom your partnership or literally crush your crush. Stow away those whips and chains and opt for something less sexually straining. Save your sense of fun however: Just because you can’t live out your fantasy doesn’t mean you need to view bedroom bops as a job–unless said job has ‘blow’ as the word just before.

SAGITTARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

With responsible Saturn pulling behind-the-scenes strings on the 9th through the 12th, look for a new ally at work or school, who’ll help drive you to success. This ambitious type is most likely a Gemini, Aquarius or Capricorn, but, with so many planets in play, the easiest way to scope out this new special friend is to look for a person outside your inner circle who has a quick wit and obvious big plans for the future.

Sex-Scope:

Be careful not to stroke your sexuality away from the 17th on, with nit-picky Mercury only interesting you in a perfect partner. What am I talking about, Sagi-guy or gal? You’ll suddenly be finding your porn stash more potent than your other half or possible partner. Realize those pics/videos you’re looking at of perfect people aren’t real: Many porno stars look like drowned rats once the heavy make-up has been removed (please don’t ask how I know this! ;-) ) Step away from your computer screen to have actual interaction with a real live person, because face it, fire sign: You can’t take your hand out on a date!

AQUARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

Juggle Saturn-sent stress after the 29th, when a bushel of buddies all want your insight at once. There are two ways of looking at this, Aqua-man or woman: Wig out from all the questions, or, prioritize your allies according to their problems–and be thankful that you have so many true-blue friends!

Sex-Scope:

Go balls-deep when Mars gives you extra staying power between sheets on the 6th. Run with the raunch by taping the titillation with your phone–but with Uranus throwing everything up in the air, delete that data once you and your bed buddy–or buddies!–have reviewed the raunch! :-)

PISCES:

Friend-Scope:

Expect flashes of your future when your ruling planet, knowing Neptune, increases insight into a frenemie’s behavior on the 6th. Normally, I’d advise you to avoid this budding back-stabber but she or he may hold some ideas to help you build a happier future–with advice concerning your other, or, an ex-passion partner. Pay attention to body language to help you add to your already-sensitive 6th sense.

Sex-Scope:

What feels like exhaustion is anything but, when bedroom-eyed Venus has you all about visuals but not so much about action. My advice, fishy? If you’re a guy slip into your sexiest underwear–whether boxers or briefs is up to you–and if you’re female, break out that beautiful lingerie you’ve been keeping for a special occasion. Then, once you’ve got yourself dudded-up, let your dude or dudette do all the work! ;-)

What’s that old Nike slogan again? Just do me?!

Actually, I don’t think that’s quite it–but just do me anyway…

Excerpt from SEX/SOAP and Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology

Here’s the latest excerpt from SEX/SOAP from Nomi’s point of view (basically the main character of the novel.) This scene takes place in the 90’s, where we’ve moved from the characters being somewhat-sexed to WAY  oversexed. I’ll post one more excerpt, that takes place in present time next month, and past that, the tease is over. Enjoy!

1992

Chapter 30

Nomi

October

Manhattan

Taking Care of Business

 

 

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea for her to move back,” I said into the phone, sliding back into the warm, Giorgio Red-scented bubbles that filled the bath I’d been sitting in. “I mean, why move back to L.A.? Between the massive lump sum Wes and that bitch she calls her mother gave her, plus the money from Jarrod’s life insurance policies, she could go anywhere. So why L.A.? It’s not as if her acting is going to lead to anything.”

“Mom,” Kirsten said, in that ‘Mom-you’re-not-very-bright-so-let-me-spell-it-out-for-you,’ tone she knew irritated me. “First off, you don’t know she can’t make it as an actress and second—“

“Despite the fact almost every single actress in Hollywood is blonde and blue eyed—just like her,” I pointed out. “She’ll be facing very stiff competition and God knows, of the three of you, Paige chokes in competition.

“Let’s at least give her the opportunity to find out,” my darling, know-it-all daughter said. “If you would have let me finish Mom, I was going to add, that Paige is thinking about becoming a producer instead of an actor—and people with money—whether they’re green or not, tend to automatically have a lot of pull in La-la Land.”

“She still shouldn’t move back there,” I said, sullenly. “And if she does—why not wait until after Roman and Sandler get married—or unionized—or whatever it is they’re calling it.”

“That’s not ’til December and Paige is ready to leave now. Besides, would you want to live with Noreen? There’s only so much time Paige can spend with Elizabeth and Wes—or with Roman and Sandler, when they’re going at it like rabbits.”

“Are there gay rabbits?” I pondered—half serious, half joking.

“Well, Brer Rabbit: He was always hanging out with those blue birds,” my daughter answered quickly. “And Thumper always seemed a little—“

“Don’t even go there,” I said, trying somewhat unsuccessfully to loofah my back while talking. “His name was Thump Her, remember?”

“Ahhh, that was all just Disneyfied: In the original story, his name was ‘Thump Him.’ That rabbit got around from what I hear,” my daughter kidded. “We know all the dirty little secrets about who’s in the closet here at Tempo.”

I smiled at the name of her workplace, my irritation evaporating as I felt gratitude: I was so proud of my daughter, I didn’t even think I’d ever get over it.

“And what about the court case?” I asked. “Elizabeth seems down, so I’ve been afraid to ask.”

I leaned my head back against the cool tile of the bathroom wall: I often felt guilty my life had turned out better than my best friend’s.

“Actually, it’s going pretty well: Roman’s thinking they might even win everything Travis owes them. Elizabeth’s gonna lose the house at some point, obviously, but she hopefully she’ll end up with a big chunk of change.”

“Thank God,” I replied. “This is the longest, most drawn out divorce I’ve ever heard of except for those Bass people. Also, Elizabeth needs a break from fighting that bastard for the last three years. It is interesting though how you and Paige suddenly remembered you were both with Roman the day he overheard all that stuff: It certainly strengthens their case. It all sounds rather…well, unbelievable.”

“Like me getting a job at Tempo?” My witty daughter asked. “Or Paige being splattered with bits of her husband’s brain? Roman becoming a sex-columnist for straight women? Or you creating a successful business when society says you should have really been alone, pining over Dad’s Latino libido? Our lives are a soap opera, Mom, and we’re trapped in it, so you’d best get used to it: There are certainly worse genres to be in, after all.”

Connor opened the bathroom door, and checked out my left tit, the other covered by bubbles, as he unzipped to pee—or at least that’s what I thought. Instead, he just pulled his dick out and stared at me expectantly.

“Enough about court cases,” my husband exclaimed. “I want to hear more about these horny rabbits.”

I blew the bubbles off my right breast so he could get the full effect and I heard him give a quick intake of breath. “Gay or nay, that got me all riled up—thought we might take care of some business before we meet Mr. Beat-Me-Off or whatever his name is.”

“Is that my horny stepfather?!” Kirsten screeched. “I’m the one who set this up—and if the two of you embarrass me in front of Mr. Bessemer and Ms. Spitz when I’ve gotten them this close to invest in your business, well, I’ll—“

I sighed and smiled at my husband as I interrupted my daughter.

“Yes, it’s your stepfather and no we won’t embarrass you when we talk about expanding the travel agency through the internet with their investments. We appreciate the help, daughter-dearest.”

Connor looked down at his hardening cock.

“Not sure we need any help after all,” he said quickly. “I seem to be expanding just fine.”

“My God, he’s a dirty old man,” Kirsten laughed. “And to think that old, married people aren’t supposed to have sex.”

“Tell that to your boss,” I pointed out. “Tempo and Cosmo liberated me in the first place. Blame them: I could still be married to a gay guy who can’t stay true, instead of this sex-a-holic.”

Connor grinned, pulling his pants all the way down, to reveal legs that were just as tanned and toned as when I’d first met him.

 

 

 

Sorry to be a total tease, but, I’ve always been kinda good at that. Check out September astrology past the links below…

Here’s a quick link to Amazon’s web-store, where you can buy Sex-Scopes,

Sex-Horoscopo, all my mangas, my novel, SEX/SOAP, or pre-order

my next book, Friend-Scopes:

http://astore.amazon.com/hazlestu-20

Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology:

Prepare For a Possible Fall

With unstable Uranus in flux, get ready for some major changes.

Some will be good, some will be bad–but trying to avoid change is like Eddie Murphy

hoping for a hit with Beverly Hills Cop Part 17: It ain’t gonna happen.

ARIES:

Friend-Scope:

Tired Neptune makes you need more than your usual 40 winks of sleep from the 17th through the 27th. This uncharacteristic lack of energy may confuse allies who think you’re losing interest, so, make sure friends understand this is a physical phase that has nothing to do with them. After the 27th, expect a return to your usual abundant energy level.

Sex-Scope:

When your mate–or date–has you wanting to call all sexual shots on the 28th, get ready to do so–with gusto! Face it, fire sign: You’ve always liked to take charge of all things carnal, and, this is the perfect opportunity to do so, so speak up before getting seriously sexual!

TAURUS:

Friend-Scope:

Your ruling planet, charming Venus has you oozing so much charisma this month you’ll feel like the next Channing Tatum or Emma Roberts. Use this burst of beauty to foster friendships you’ve left idle and to fire up new ones. The really great news? This supernova of flash and sass lasts from the 6th to month’s end. Use this period of uber-attractiveness wisely, earth sign–to increase your bevy of buds and increase already strong bonds.

Sex-Scope:

Your usually reserved side takes a backseat as hedonistic Venus put you in the mood for very sloppy second and third rounds on the 13th. Normally, you’re the type who likes to shower between sex acts, but doing so during this deliciously dirty bout of bedroom bops is a mistake: Staying a little wet, hot and bothered will just add to the fun!

GEMINI:

Friend-Scope:

Wild-child Jupiter makes you a party waiting to happen on the 19th and 20th, so give in to Jupe’s party-boy vibe by throwing a get together for friends, acquaintances and even frenemies: With your penchant for witty wordplay, if a not-so-awesome ally tries to publicly stab you in the back at your soiree, not only will that attack miss the mark, you’ll have a blast firing back!

Sex-Scope:

Submissive Venus has you wanting to submit to your paramour on the 26th. If you fully trust your erotic other half, once you’ve agreed on a safe word, let him or her break out silk sashes to tie your hands to the bedpost before going full out raunch-and-roll. If trust isn’t at 100%, however, opt for something far less manic–the missionary position may sound tired but it’s tried and true, and, if anything occurs that makes you feel uncomfortable it’s easy to push your other off of you.

CANCER:

Friend-Scope:

When an awesome ally, who can’t forget a tragic event from his or her past, comes to you for advice after the 6th, use wordsmith Mercury’s powers-of-persuasion to pull your pal out of the past. With so much uncertainty in the air this month, count on this being a serious call for help–and it certainly won’t be coming from someone who’s just an acquaintance or occasional ally. This is one of your best buds, water sign–and he or she needs your insight ASAP

Sex-Scope:

With pared-down Pluto calling sexual shots from the 16th through the 20th, you’ll feel like exploring your erotic nature sans clothing. By all means, ditch your duds, Cancer–but unless you feel like spending a night in jail, make sure you only do so at home with the blinds drawn. Meanwhile, if you’re lucky enough to live in the country with no neighbors? Letting it all hang out for a few days when you’re not at work will ensure things will suddenly pop up.

LEO:

Friend-Scope:

Get a second opinion when a true friend delivers some dumb advice around the 29th. Although this info will immediately ring false, you may find yourself dwelling on it it you don’t have one of your down-to-earth allies talk some sense into the equation.

Sex-Scope:

Reveal your true feelings on the 25th, when surprisingly sensitive asteroid Juno has you wanting to play house with your partner. If this sounds more boring than binge-watching Full House, think again, fire sign: Grab stuff for a sexy supper during this time, but avoid plates so you can take turns licking foodstuffs off your fornicating friend as a form of foreplay–then, let the real action begin!

VIRGO:

Friend-Scope:

Soothing Venus has you wanting to de-stress from the 7th on, so only hang out with favorite friends and opt for relaxation. Whether said relaxation is shared time at the gym, taking turns hitting a punching bag, or, hanging out for a mani-pedi all depends on you and your personality. Indulge yourself for a change, earth sign–and stop being so damned stressed out.

Sex-Scope:

The stress I spoke of above also strains bedroom boundaries from the 5th on, courtesy of nervous Mercury, your ruler. If you’re coupled, this will have you needlessly needling your other half, thinking she or he is screwing around (this isn’t the case, sign-of-the-virgin-lite)! Meanwhile, if you’re cruising a crush, yeah, of course it’s a possibility this cutie might be considering his or her options–that’s part of the dating game, Virgo and you’ll simply have to deal with it–but acting nervous and needy will doom coupling so keep that behavior in check. If you do have a better half, aim for slow and easy sex that soothes–and let some of the wilder signs engage in raunch, that you’re better off just reading about.

LIBRA

Friend-Scope:

Kiss and make up when you see the possibility to rekindle an old friendship after the 5th. This ancient annihilation of your alliance was due to a misunderstanding, courtesy of confusing asteroid Chiron. Work past this, with careful communication and something that’s a tough, tough word for you to swallow–TRUST. Reacquainting yourself with this blast from your past will solidify your base of buds and a Libra can never have too many truly close comrades.

Sex-Scope:

Raunchy Mars has you gunning for erotic action from the 21st through the 27th. Count on being consumed with extra energy that has you wanting truly wanton wants like a threesome. Carefully consider the repercussions of such an act, sign-o’-the-scales: If communication about such carnal desires isn’t entirely explicit and honest, everything from your relationship can be wrecked or your life through unwanted–and awful–illness. If you’re still interested in more than one bed buddy at a time, after careful discussion, agreement from ALL parties, and danger avoidance (yeah, I’m talking about rubbers and smart sex) make with a decidedly different Donna Reed route, Libra–and make yourself a sandwich.

CAPRICORN:

Friend-Scope:

Muddled Mars has you way too concerned with what others think after the 25th. This is a time for introspection, my ambitious goat, so plot out goals instead of bonding with buds–and whatever you do, don’t form any new friendships during this period: They won’t be real and could cause very real trouble for you sooner than you think.

Sex-Scope:

Nocturnal Neptune has you wanting to pull an all-nighter when it comes to sexuality on the 20th. Give in to this thrust of lust with carefully timed Cappucinos and Frappucinos: Sometimes a trip to sexual satisfaction is only as far away as your nearest Starbucks!

SCORPIO:

Friend-Scope:

You’ll literally feel sick to your stomach when you discover someone you viewed as an ally is anything but, courtesy of eye-opening Uranus on the 15th. Though you’ll consider vengeance, avoidance is a much better bet: While revenge may work well for Mr. Voorhees in the Friday the 13th flicks, in real life it just leads to escalation, so, while dumping this dud IS key, retaliation is dumber than Jessica Simpson–so make like that stupid 80’s slogan and ‘just say no’ to negativity.

Sex-Scope:

Innovative Uranus has you wanting to push past your bedroom boundaries between the 11th and the 14th. Normally, my advice would be to go for it, but with so much uncertainty in the air, turning fiction into friction will be just that–which could ultimately doom your partnership or literally crush your crush. Stow away those whips and chains and opt for something less sexually straining. Save your sense of fun however: Just because you can’t live out your fantasy doesn’t mean you need to view bedroom bops as a job–unless said job has ‘blow’ as the word just before.

SAGITTARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

With responsible Saturn pulling behind-the-scenes strings on the 9th through the 12th, look for a new ally at work or school, who’ll help drive you to success. This ambitious type is most likely a Gemini, Aquarius or Capricorn, but, with so many planets in play, the easiest way to scope out this new special friend is to look for a person outside your inner circle who has a quick wit and obvious big plans for the future.

Sex-Scope:

Be careful not to stroke your sexuality away from the 17th on, with nit-picky Mercury only interesting you in a perfect partner. What am I talking about, Sagi-guy or gal? You’ll suddenly be finding your porn stash more potent than your other half or possible partner. Realize those pics/videos you’re looking at of perfect people aren’t real: Many porno stars look like drowned rats once the heavy make-up has been removed (please don’t ask how I know this! ;-) ) Step away from your computer screen to have actual interaction with a real live person, because face it, fire sign: You can’t take your hand out on a date!

AQUARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

Juggle Saturn-sent stress after the 29th, when a bushel of buddies all want your insight at once. There are two ways of looking at this, Aqua-man or woman: Wig out from all the questions, or, prioritize your allies according to their problems–and be thankful that you have so many true-blue friends!

Sex-Scope:

Go balls-deep when Mars gives you extra staying power between sheets on the 6th. Run with the raunch by taping the titillation with your phone–but with Uranus throwing everything up in the air, delete that data once you and your bed buddy–or buddies!–have reviewed the raunch! :-)

PISCES:

Friend-Scope:

Expect flashes of your future when your ruling planet, knowing Neptune, increases insight into a frenemie’s behavior on the 6th. Normally, I’d advise you to avoid this budding back-stabber but she or he may hold some ideas to help you build a happier future–with advice concerning your other, or, an ex-passion partner. Pay attention to body language to help you add to your already-sensitive 6th sense.

Sex-Scope:

What feels like exhaustion is anything but, when bedroom-eyed Venus has you all about visuals but not so much about action. My advice, fishy? If you’re a guy slip into your sexiest underwear–whether boxers or briefs is up to you–and if you’re female, break out that beautiful lingerie you’ve been keeping for a special occasion. Then, once you’ve got yourself dudded-up, let your dude or dudette do all the work! ;-)

What’s that old Nike slogan again? Just do me?!

Actually, I don’t think that’s quite it–but just do me anyway…

Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology

Here’s a quick link to Amazon’s web-store, where you can buy Sex-Scopes,

Sex-Horoscopo, all my mangas, my novel, SEX/SOAP, or pre-order

my next book, Friend-Scopes:

http://astore.amazon.com/hazlestu-20

 

 

Stuart Hazleton’s September Astrology:

 

Prepare For a Possible Fall

With unstable Uranus in flux, get ready for some major changes.

Some will be good, some will be bad–but trying to avoid change is like Eddie Murphy

hoping for a hit with Beverly Hills Cop Part 17: It ain’t gonna happen.

 

ARIES:

Friend-Scope:

Tired Neptune makes you need more than your usual 40 winks of sleep from the 17th through the 27th. This uncharacteristic lack of energy may confuse allies who think you’re losing interest, so, make sure friends understand this is a physical phase that has nothing to do with them. After the 27th, expect a return to your usual abundant energy level.

Sex-Scope:

When your mate–or date–has you wanting to call all sexual shots on the 28th, get ready to do so–with gusto! Face it, fire sign: You’ve always liked to take charge of all things carnal, and, this is the perfect opportunity to do so, so speak up before getting seriously sexual!

 

TAURUS:

Friend-Scope:

Your ruling planet, charming Venus has you oozing so much charisma this month you’ll feel like the next Channing Tatum or Emma Roberts. Use this burst of beauty to foster friendships you’ve left idle and to fire up new ones. The really great news? This supernova of flash and sass lasts from the 6th to month’s end. Use this period of uber-attractiveness wisely, earth sign–to increase your bevy of buds and increase already strong bonds.

Sex-Scope:

Your usually reserved side takes a backseat as hedonistic Venus put you in the mood for very sloppy second and third rounds on the 13th. Normally, you’re the type who likes to shower between sex acts, but doing so during this deliciously dirty bout of bedroom bops is a mistake: Staying a little wet, hot and bothered will just add to the fun!

 

GEMINI:

Friend-Scope: 

Wild-child Jupiter makes you a party waiting to happen on the 19th and 20th, so give in to Jupe’s party-boy vibe by throwing a get together for friends, acquaintances and even frenemies: With your penchant for witty wordplay, if a not-so-awesome ally tries to publicly stab you in the back at your soiree, not only will that attack miss the mark, you’ll have a blast firing back!

Sex-Scope:

Submissive Venus has you wanting to submit to your paramour on the 26th. If you fully trust your erotic other half, once you’ve agreed on a safe word, let him or her break out silk sashes to tie your hands to the bedpost before going full out raunch-and-roll. If trust isn’t at 100%, however, opt for something far less manic–the missionary position may sound tired but it’s tried and true, and, if anything occurs that makes you feel uncomfortable it’s easy to push your other off of you.

 

CANCER:

Friend-Scope:

When an awesome ally, who can’t forget a tragic event from his or her past, comes to you for advice after the 6th, use wordsmith Mercury’s powers-of-persuasion to pull your pal out of the past. With so much uncertainty in the air this month, count on this being a serious call for help–and it certainly won’t be coming from someone who’s just an acquaintance or occasional ally. This is one of your best buds, water sign–and he or she needs your insight ASAP

Sex-Scope:

With pared-down Pluto calling sexual shots from the 16th through the 20th, you’ll feel like exploring your erotic nature sans clothing. By all means, ditch your duds, Cancer–but unless you feel like spending a night in jail, make sure you only do so at home with the blinds drawn. Meanwhile, if you’re lucky enough to live in the country with no neighbors? Letting it all hang out for a few days when you’re not at work will ensure things will suddenly pop up.

 

LEO:

Friend-Scope: 

Get a second opinion when a true friend delivers some dumb advice around the 29th. Although this info will immediately ring false, you may find yourself dwelling on it it you don’t have one of your down-to-earth allies talk some sense into the equation. 

Sex-Scope:

Reveal your true feelings on the 25th, when surprisingly sensitive asteroid Juno has you wanting to play house with your partner. If this sounds more boring than binge-watching Full House, think again, fire sign: Grab stuff for a sexy supper during this time, but avoid plates so you can take turns licking foodstuffs off your fornicating friend as a form of foreplay–then, let the real action begin!

 

VIRGO:

Friend-Scope:

Soothing Venus has you wanting to de-stress from the 7th on, so only hang out with favorite friends and opt for relaxation. Whether said relaxation is shared time at the gym, taking turns hitting a punching bag, or, hanging out for a mani-pedi all depends on you and your personality. Indulge yourself for a change, earth sign–and stop being so damned stressed out.

Sex-Scope:

The stress I spoke of above also strains bedroom boundaries from the 5th on, courtesy of nervous Mercury, your ruler. If you’re coupled, this will have you needlessly needling your other half, thinking she or he is screwing around (this isn’t the case, sign-of-the-virgin-lite)! Meanwhile, if you’re cruising a crush, yeah, of course it’s a possibility this cutie might be considering his or her options–that’s part of the dating game, Virgo and you’ll simply have to deal with it–but acting nervous and needy will doom coupling so keep that behavior in check. If you do have a better half, aim for slow and easy sex that soothes–and let some of the wilder signs engage in raunch, that you’re better off just reading about.

 

LIBRA

Friend-Scope:

Kiss and make up when you see the possibility to rekindle an old friendship after the 5th. This ancient annihilation of your alliance was due to a misunderstanding, courtesy of confusing asteroid Chiron. Work past this, with careful communication and something that’s a tough, tough word for you to swallow–TRUST. Reacquainting yourself with this blast from your past will solidify your base of buds and a Libra can never have too many truly close comrades.

Sex-Scope:

Raunchy Mars has you gunning for erotic action from the 21st through the 27th. Count on being consumed with extra energy that has you wanting truly wanton wants like a threesome. Carefully consider the repercussions of such an act, sign-o’-the-scales: If communication about such carnal desires isn’t entirely explicit and honest, everything from your relationship can be wrecked or your life through unwanted–and awful–illness. If you’re still interested in more than one bed buddy at a time, after careful discussion, agreement from ALL parties, and danger avoidance (yeah, I’m talking about rubbers and smart sex) make with a decidedly different Donna Reed route, Libra–and make yourself a sandwich.

 

CAPRICORN:

Friend-Scope:

Muddled Mars has you way too concerned with what others think after the 25th. This is a time for introspection, my ambitious goat, so plot out goals instead of bonding with buds–and whatever you do, don’t form any new friendships during this period: They won’t be real and could cause very real trouble for you sooner than you think.

Sex-Scope:

Nocturnal Neptune has you wanting to pull an all-nighter when it comes to sexuality on the 20th. Give in to this thrust of lust with carefully timed Cappucinos and Frappucinos: Sometimes a trip to sexual satisfaction is only as far away as your nearest Starbucks!

 

SCORPIO:

Friend-Scope:

You’ll literally feel sick to your stomach when you discover someone you viewed as an ally is anything but, courtesy of eye-opening Uranus on the 15th. Though you’ll consider vengeance, avoidance is a much better bet: While revenge may work well for Mr. Voorhees in the Friday the 13th flicks, in real life it just leads to escalation, so, while dumping this dud IS key, retaliation is dumber than Jessica Simpson–so make like that stupid 80’s slogan and ‘just say no’ to negativity.

Sex-Scope:

Innovative Uranus has you wanting to push past your bedroom boundaries between the 11th and the 14th. Normally, my advice would be to go for it, but with so much uncertainty in the air, turning fiction into friction will be just that–which could ultimately doom your partnership or literally crush your crush. Stow away those whips and chains and opt for something less sexually straining. Save your sense of fun however: Just because you can’t live out your fantasy doesn’t mean you need to view bedroom bops as a job–unless said job has ‘blow’ as the word just before.

 

SAGITTARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

With responsible Saturn pulling behind-the-scenes strings on the 9th through the 12th, look for a new ally at work or school, who’ll help drive you to success. This ambitious type is most likely a Gemini, Aquarius or Capricorn, but, with so many planets in play, the easiest way to scope out this new special friend is to look for a person outside your inner circle who has a quick wit and obvious big plans for the future.

Sex-Scope:

Be careful not to stroke your sexuality away from the 17th on, with nit-picky Mercury only interesting you in a perfect partner. What am I talking about, Sagi-guy or gal? You’ll suddenly be finding your porn stash more potent than your other half or possible partner. Realize those pics/videos you’re looking at of perfect people aren’t real: Many porno stars look like drowned rats once the heavy make-up has been removed (please don’t ask how I know this! ;-) ) Step away from your computer screen to have actual interaction with a real live person, because face it, fire sign: You can’t take your hand out on a date!

 

AQUARIUS:

Friend-Scope:

Juggle Saturn-sent stress after the 29th, when a bushel of buddies all want your insight at once. There are two ways of looking at this, Aqua-man or woman: Wig out from all the questions, or, prioritize your allies according to their problems–and be thankful that you have so many true-blue friends!

Sex-Scope:

Go balls-deep when Mars gives you extra staying power between sheets on the 6th. Run with the raunch by taping the titillation with your phone–but with Uranus throwing everything up in the air, delete that data once you and your bed buddy–or buddies!–have reviewed the raunch! :-)

 

PISCES:

Friend-Scope:

Expect flashes of your future when your ruling planet, knowing Neptune, increases insight into a frenemie’s behavior on the 6th. Normally, I’d advise you to avoid this budding back-stabber but she or he may hold some ideas to help you build a happier future–with advice concerning your other, or, an ex-passion partner. Pay attention to body language to help you add to your already-sensitive 6th sense. 

Sex-Scope:

What feels like exhaustion is anything but, when bedroom-eyed Venus has you all about visuals but not so much about action. My advice, fishy? If you’re a guy slip into your sexiest underwear–whether boxers or briefs is up to you–and if you’re female, break out that beautiful lingerie you’ve been keeping for a special occasion. Then, once you’ve got yourself dudded-up, let your dude or dudette do all the work! ;-)

 

 

What’s that old Nike slogan again? Just do me?!

Actually, I don’t think that’s quite it–but just do me anyway…

 

 

New excerpt from SEX/SOAP plus August Astrology

Here’s the next excerpt from SEX/SOAP, which Amazon has graciously let me publish. This is where things heat up as the characters enter the swinging 70’s…

August’s astrology forecast follows after the excerpt…

 

 

1972

Chapter 6

Nomi

October

Norman, Oklahoma

The Golden Key

     We were running late—which is kind of taboo for key parties—but, knowing we’d probably be the best-looking couple there, somehow I knew that the action would wait for us. Kirsten’s babysitter had shown up a full fifteen minutes behind schedule, reeking of cheap pot, which normally would have bothered me, but, since we were already in a rush I’d said nothing. The babysitter was probably banging her boyfriend in the bedroom I shared with Antonio as I thought this, while Kirsten was probably downstairs, watching McMillan and Wife, which was okay by me, or, All in the Family, which was forbidden. Surprisingly, the thought of our babysitter being naughty—along with our daughter, in a far more juvenile way—increased my arousal and decreased my apprehension.

“How do you like it?” Antonio asked, his hand motioning around the new Cadillac we’d bought earlier that day from a massive car dealership owned by a guy named Wes Crew. The public’s nickname for his company altered the name slightly, to ‘We Screw You,’ but, since Antonio had vaguely gotten to know Wes once our fortune had begun to take off in the past few months, we’d gotten a comparatively good deal.

“I love it,” I said, honestly. What wasn’t to love? It was a gorgeous, beige Caddy I would have dreamed of owning during my childhood in Jersey City.

I looked at Antonio playfully.

“When do I get one?”

“Soon,” he promised, and looking at him I knew full well that he meant exactly what he said.

Despite Elizabeth’s constant carping about our husbands’ extra-curricular activities, they were both making us wealthier than we’d imagined possible—and just by playing the stock market! Who’d have thought it? Their next plan was to start a business together, which I firmly believed would move us even higher up on the wealth chain. I believed that—just as surely as Elizabeth didn’t—and as far as screwing around? Who doesn’t like sampling someone other than their spouse every now and then? I knew Antonio had banged his ever-rotating slew of secretaries multiple times but who cares? I had my own share of secrets. Let’s put it this way: Antonio is a stunning guy and I no longer viewed his Spanish origins in a negative way—my old thoughts were shockingly racist in hindsight. Nude, Antonio was sleek, toned and sexy. Masculine but almost too lean, he wasn’t my favorite type except for the gorgeous color of his skin—although I knew someone who was my ultimate man.

Our next door neighbor, who’d made All American on the football team as a kid—well, when he was fully unclothed, his body put Antonio’s to shame in every department. Where Antonio had tone and tautness this guy had bulging muscles. His name was Connor, and, when he’d introduced himself to me as we passed on the street my first day in our new neighborhood, I had no idea he’d welcome me so quickly—and in a very unorthodox way.

“Here we go,” my husband said, skillfully pulling the Cadillac Coupe de Ville behind a dark blue Plymouth GTX.

“That’s the neighbors’ Plymouth. Debbie and Connor’s,” Antonio added, pointing at the car, as we emerged from the Caddy. “I work out with him at the Y. Have you met him yet?”

That definitively answered my question: Antonio had absolutely no idea I’d been intimate with Connor—and more than once.

“Nope,” I lied. “I’ve seen him, though, I think: You’re talking about the gorgeous guy who lives on our street?”

I instantly regretted my words as Antonio’s folded arms let me know his ego had just taken a hit.

“His wife’s just as gorgeous,” Antonio pointed out, as he rang the doorbell, before adding meanly. “Rumor is, Connor’s one of those and the marriage is just for show.”

I processed this information slowly as I saw Dot, our hostess for the evening, walking toward the front door.

“Maybe he should change his name to Connorina,” Antonio finished cruelly as I reminded myself if there is one thing my other half really, really hates—it’s my finding another guy more attractive than him. As far as his insinuation Connor was that way? I think not.

Then the door opened, Antonio was suddenly back to being Mr. Nice Guy, and, our hostess, Dot, was offering us our choice of drinks, dressed in an ill-fitting, blue and red muumuu that did nothing to disguise the fact she was somewhat flat-chested. Dot’s neither a beauty nor plain, with a standard, dull Stepford Wives-haircut and a middle-aged body that had seen better days.

“We got your standard Coors Banquet, Tom Collins or a new thing I love called a Mojito,” Dot offered, gleefully, her red eyes letting me know she was plenty stoned. “I got the recipe from Playboy.”

“I’ll stick with beer,” Antonio said, as I requested a Mojito: I’m always game for anything new.

“A light beer, if you’ve got it,” Antonio yelled, to Dot’s retreating back.

Antonio was always worried about his appearance, which, frankly, I found endearing, since Elizabeth’s mate had become a moving mass of mountainous flesh in recent years.

“Let me see,” Dot loudly from the kitchen, as I surveyed the crowd. Most of the guys were total foxes but a few were anything but. As always, we’d be facing a game of chance. I stared at a chrome dome, hoping against hope that I wouldn’t end up with him.

“Meister Brau Lites,” Dot said, triumphantly as she returned from the open-aired avocado and orange kitchen which made me a bit jealous with its open, airy look: It was a bit larger than our kitchen at home and reminded me of the one Carol and Mike had on The Brady Bunch. Robert Reed? Now there was a guy I’d like to bang: Talk about being all man!

“Only two low-cals though,” Dot added, as she passed Connor his beer, before pouring a cocktail for me from a glass pitcher sitting on the green counter. “So either drink slowly, try some of the grass we’re passing around or be ready to switch to something harder. You dig?”

“I dig,” Antonio answered, before adding, with one of his devilish grins: “I’m always open to a switch if there’s no other alternative.”

Antonio was looking at someone off in the distance, though from the angle where I was standing, I couldn’t quite make out who it was.

“I like your attitude,” Dot replied. I could tell, looking closer into her eyes, so incredibly bloodshot from smoke and drink, that she was ready to drop to her knees and start blowing my husband as we spoke. Again, that reminded me of the problem with that sexual scenario: Despite the fact Dot has charisma to spare, her husband, well, how can I put this delicately… he’s icky and a jerk—and I wasn’t in interested in either of those attributes being inside me.

Now, a beautiful real blonde appeared and I could tell who Antonio had been looking at. This woman was stunning—as was the man walking up behind her. It was Connor. I felt a tiny surge of jealousy: Not only did this beautiful woman have the coolest guy in town who I had a not-so-secret crush on—she also could have been the twin sister of that girl who’d stolen my job on 5th avenue in the 60’s. Almost as soon as I felt the surge of envy, I let it pass. Jealousy is for Antonio, not me. I’m a firm believer in Dr. Harris’ work, I’m Okay, You’re Okay.

“Remember me? I’m Connor.” Mr. Stunning said, his blonde hair made blonder by the sun but where his wife had boobs, he had bulging pectoral muscles.

I got the game: With Antonio and Connor’s gorgeous wife unaware Connor and I had already been extremely close, it was time to play things cool.

“I think you may have seen me a couple of times at the country club, but I don’t believe you know my wife, Debbie,” Connor added and with that I glanced down to check out his other bulge, and could clearly make out the outline of his cock through his bell-bottom jeans. This guy was packing major heat. Realizing his gaze had followed mine, I glanced back into his face, embarrassed. Connor’s face—like the rest of him—was pure perfection. Dishwater blonde hair, chiseled cheekbones and bright white teeth which led me to believe he didn’t smoke cigarettes. That was a bit odd but somehow I thought, if I managed to bed him with my husband and Connor’s wife in the room, I’d deal with it.

“Hi Debbie,” I said, suddenly remembering my manners despite my horniness.

“What it is,” Debbie replied, as her smiling eyes checked out my husband the same way I’d just been looking at hers.

I smiled as I remembered Antonio’s comment, realizing now that it purely stemmed from jealousy: Connor is many, many things—but being gay isn’t one of them.

“All right,” Dot said, snuffing out the joint people had been passing around once I’d taken my token hit, as her unattractive other half cued up the sound system.

Three Dog Night’s, “Mama Told Me Not to Come”, suddenly filled my ears. Mama was wrong, though: I definitely planned on coming this evening.

“Standard rules,” Dot said as she dodged quickly back into the kitchen before returning to the sunken, wood-paneled living room. She held a beautiful crystal bowl in her hands.

“Whoever picks first, gets our bedroom, second pair-off gets Julie’s and third gets Sam’s: They’re both spending the night at friends. The rest of you are on your own as far as where you choose to get your Boo-yah on.”

Dot smiled as she continued with her instructions.

“Anywhere in the backyard is fair game—as is, obviously, the pool and hot tub.”

She stared, a bit darkly, at Suzanne, a friend of mine who I occasionally played tennis with.

“No one in the front yard this time though, okay, Suzanne?” she said, before her dark look broke into a smile again. “Let’s not be an airhead, shall we?”

Suzanne showed her pearly whites to all of us.

“What can I say?” she asked in all seriousness, before blowing a ring of smoke from her Virginia Slims cigarette into the air. “I like it when people watch.”

She stood up, and stomped her foot in mock-frustration before adding:

“But I’ll do what you say, oh, Mistress-of-the-House.”

“All right then,” Dot said. “What gentleman would like to get the ball—er, balls—rolling?”

“I will,” Antonio said immediately, which vaguely surprised me for the simple fact he’d never done it before.

Dot passed Antonio the crystal bowl then, as cigarettes were snuffed out and Binaca sprays were quickly spritzed into the mouths of smokers.

Antonio passed through the men, collecting their keys, which irritated me: After all, it’s the 70’s and I’m a modern woman. I read Ms. Magazine. So why was a guy always the one who ended up doing this? However, I said nothing.

You could already feel the scent of sex beginning to fill the air, and I knew without looking that all the men’s cocks were hardening at what was about to happen. That idea made my nipples poke out and I was glad I’d decided against wearing a bra underneath my Fila top.

“And who will you give first choice to?” Dot asked, as most of the people who were seated suddenly felt the need to stand up.

“I’ll give my wife the pleasure,” Antonio answered, making his way back to me, the beautiful bowl full of an assortment of car keys.

“The keys, m’lady,” he said, giving me an odd look, which I found out-of-place so I mocked him.

“The keys,” I said, mocking him. “The keys.”

It was only then that I realized Antonio had given me a message by using that sixth sense couples who truly love each other have. I followed his gaze down to the bowl and saw he was looking at one key in particular. It was a lone golden key mixed in with the other silver and bronze ones.

I grabbed it.

“And we have a winner,” Debbie said, quickly, with a grin she shared with her husband, Connor.

Connor started to give me a big, shit-eating grin, but then, remembering who we were standing before, quickly checked his behavior.

The others in the room, quickly chose their own keys and paired up into groups of fours.

“You have the master suite,” Dot reminded us, as I relit the roach to take one more hit of green: The more fucked up I was the more fun I’d have.

The four of us made our way into the bedroom, an air of electricity almost visibly sparking the room as we entered it. Fake potted ferns and two giant—but still fake—plants sat on either side of the bed, a king-size with a brown bedspread. I kicked the pumps off my feet, feeling the deep shag of the matching brown carpet between my toes.

Debbie was the first to take off her clothes, slipping out of her ruby red, Izod jumpsuit to expose a beautifully-sheer, lace bra beneath it. Tucked between her left breast and the sheer fabric was another joint and I could see, just by looking at the ends of it, that it was a darker shade of green than what we’d been smoking in the living room.

“This is the stuff that’s all right,” Connor said, slipping a Bic lighter out of his oh-so-tight—and ever-tightening jeans. “In fact, I’d say it’s outta sight.”

“It’s laced,” he added, which confused me a bit until I realized he was talking about Debbie’s bra.

“And quite beautiful,” I added, as I slipped out of my own top, making the others laugh, though I didn’t understand why.

“You’re quite beautiful,” Connor said, and I slid my hand down the front of his pants to show my appreciation, before he handed me the lit joint, which I happily puffed on. “You about ready to get it on?”

I squeezed his dick through his jeans, which I thought was answer enough.

 

 

To read more, snag SEX/SOAP, an X-rated drama about beautiful people doing decadent things, by clicking here:

For Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/SOAP-Adult-Novel-Stuart-Hazleton-ebook/dp/B00LXLSGQA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1406843283&sr=8-2&keywords=stuart+hazleton

For Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Soap-An-Adult-Novel/dp/150062666X/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&qid=1406843415&sr=8-9&keywords=stuart+hazleton

Pre-order my next book, Friend-Scopes, an astrology tome about how to strengthen friendships and foil frenemies by clicking here:

Friend-Scopes: How to Fire-Up Friendships and Block Backstabbers

To see videos discussing SEX/SOAP, astrology and Sex-Scopes, check out my Amazon page, scroll down a bit and check out the stuff on the

right-hand side: amazon.com/author/stuarthazleton

Stuart Hazleton’s August Astrology:

Summer’s Not the Only Thing Getting Hot

ARIES: DON’T BE A DICK

Friend Forecast: Pissy Pluto has you wanting to bully one of your quieter allies around the 11th (think of that caring Cancer or cautious Pisces in your life). Do this at your own peril, ram: Being nasty might leave you feeling momentarily powerful but it will also equal one less ally.

Sex-Scope: Tender-hearted Venus has you yearning for sweet stuff like flowers and candy after the 22nd. Flip this scenario by giving your other–or crush–a cool gift. Doing so will lead to better–and BIGGER–things! :-)

TAURUS: KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN

Friend Forecast: An important new potential friendship occurs, before the 8th, with asteroid Chiron pulling strings. Look for a calculating new sign who has entered your life (probably a Capricorn, Gemini or Virgo) and invite this new potential bud to lunch ASAP: He or she will help you focus on small details in everything from the bedroom to the boardroom.

Sex-Scope: Mastermind Mars makes the 15th and 16th a time for balls-to-the-wall bed banging. From barking out carnal commands to living out your own version of 50 Shades of Gray, do whatever makes you feel forceful–and since you’ll be hornier than a rhino, if you’re single, make sure condoms are part of this sexy scenario.

GEMINI: PLAY GAMES

Friend Forecast: Empathetic Uranus gives much needed understanding when a friend comes to you with an important, unresolved issue on the 7th. Be guardian to his/her galaxy by using this period of insight wisely, sign-o’-the-twins: Helping your friend will end up improving your own situation as well.

Sex-Scope: Mental Mercury makes sex-games the rule from the 18th on. Break out blindfolds, hand-cuffs, or that sexy cheerleader/basketball player uniform you saved from your high school/college days: Trust me, Gem: You won’t be dropping this ball!

CANCER: TEAM UP

Friend Forecast: Brilliant Mercury has you joining forces with two uber-smart co-workers before the 18th to solve a problem your boss has (look for that level-headed Libra, sassy Scorpio or goal-oriented Capricorn). If you and your buds can get this dilemma done away with, count on a cash bonus–or better yet, a permanent raise.

Sex-Scope: Slow-and-easy Venus has you wanting to receive–not give–on the 26th. Whether you’re aiming for oral or just the missionary position, lay back and let your other half–or carnal crush–take these raunchy reigns: Trust me, Crabby: This is one ride you’ll REALLY enjoy!

LEO: WATCH YOUR BACK

Friend Forecast: Consider calling in sick on the 4th, when vengeful Mars has a coworker gunning to gut your goals. Luckily this phase won’t last much longer than Vanilla Ice’s career, so, by the 5th, you’ll be ready to head back into the corporate world.

Sex-Scope: Naughty Neptune has you in the mood to spank your partner-in-crime on the 21st and 22nd. If your other is up for this (signs likely to go along with this butt-banging include Cancer, Libra and Pisces) then get going–but if you’re with a more aggressive type like Aries or Capricorn, count on exchanging spanks instead of just giving ‘em.

VIRGO: PRACTICE YOUR POKER FACE

Friend Forecast: When a buddy approaches you with shocking news on the 6th, courtesy of ever-surprising Uranus, be careful to keep your expression absolutely neutral. Admit it, Mr., or Mrs., Innocence: You’ve had some odd adventures of your own–even if you do tend to keep them to yourself. Once you’ve worked through your embarrassment, let your ally know that everyone engages in odd behavior occasionally–then, once you’re done with that, go home and giggle–after you’re safely ensconced in your own room.

Sex-Scope: On the 31st, with sexy Saturn influencing amour, you’ll want to take your relationship to a new level. Before doing so, earth sign, make sure you’re really ready for monogamy or marriage–it’s a big step you need to think through before discussing it with your other or crush.

LIBRA: GET EXCESSIVE

Friend Forecast: Sensitive Venus has you way too conscious of your allies’ opinions from the 28th on. Realize your friends are just that–and that over-analyzing comments–and even compliments–will lead to pointless heartache and misunderstandings.

Sex-Scope: Pile-driving Pluto has you aiming for as many O’s as possible on the 12th. Give in to this healthy desire by staying in bed all day with your other–or temporary bed buddy–to see just how many times your champagne bottle can pop within a 24 hour period.

CAPRICORN: OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SAY, “AAAAAHHHHHH…”

Friend Forecast: Snooty Venus has you all about yourself on the 24th. While you’ll be thinking you’re the shit, if you blow your horn TOO much, your buds will just think you’re apiece of shit, so go the humble route through this volatile burst of va-voom.

Sex-Scope: If you want fun bed play on the 23rd aim for head play, courtesy of carnal Chiron. Yup, you’ll be all about oral presentations, but trust me, earth sign: This isn’t the kind of stuff you’d be safe presenting at work–unless you’re banging a business bud behind locked doors.

SCORPIO: KEEP YOUR STINGER STOWED

Friend Forecast: When an ex-friend tries to re-enter your world around the 13th, courtesy of kind-hearted Venus, weigh your options carefully: Odds are way higher than Lindsay Lohan that this ex-ally of your would serve you better as a true friend–but make sure you work out your earlier argument before re-bonding.

Sex-Scope: Dangerous Mars has you ready to wreak vengeance on an ex around the 30th. Whatever you have in mind, scorpion, keep your stinger in place for someone more important: If you stab this ex in the back expect MAJOR escalation sooner than you think.

SAGITTARIUS: BREAK THE RULES

Friend Forecast: Tough guy Mars exposes a frenemy around the 17th. Instead of flipping out on this back-stabber, just avoid her/him: Engaging this dickhead could result in WAY more carnage than a Friday the 13th flick.

Sex-Scope: Experimental Uranus has you wanting to get wild and wicked on the 12th. Whether you’re considering a three-way or something even more over-the-top, make sure you communicate your carnal desires with your other half first: Sometimes fantasies are better left as just that–but sometimes giving in to desire can be TOTALLY delicious!

AQUARIUS: GET YOUR MILF–OR DILF–ON

Friend Forecast: Mercury confuses communication from the 11th through the 14th, creating the potential for major conflict with coworkers and close buds. Watch your tongue during this period, Aquaman (or woman!) and if all else fails, keep your lips zipped.

Sex-Scope: Asteroid Juno has you wanting to play a maternal/paternal figure in the bedroom until the 16th. Giving into this motherly/fatherly vibe may work well if you’re partnered with naturally nurturing types like Cancer or Taurus but if you go too far with tougher types, like Aries or Sagittarius, you’ll be trading a sick scene for an ick scene.

PISCES: SWIM UPSTREAM

Friend Forecast: Giant Jupiter sends a big bud to help you K. O. a dreaded enemy on the 18th, and, by big, I’m talking one of your taller, stronger associates. Use the buttressing from this all important ally to knock your nemesis to the curb–after that, avoid this enemy and all should turn out well.

Sex-Scope: Sassy Mercury turns wordplay into a passion pumper on the 26th. Do I mean talking like a trucker? Think again, fishy: What I’m saying is to outline your amorous adventures in ultra-erotic DETAIL before enacting them with a sext/text–or in person–before your bed-bang begins.

SEX/SOAP’s first chapter and August Astrology by Stuart Hazleton

I’ve authored two books and was a Cosmopolitan columnist for five years.

 

Here’s the first chapter of my erotic book, SEX/SOAP,

all about best buds, bed-hopping and backstabbing, set in the

high pressure industries of movie-making and beauty mag publishing.

After the chapter, check out your August astrology forecast 

below my pic: I like being on top. ;-)

 

Stuart Hazleton’s SEX/SOAP

 

2013

Prologue:

Paige

May

Oklahoma City

The Tornado

 

     Lunch was awkward, there was no way around that, though I had to admit Kirsten looked fucking fantastic: Being head honcho at Tempo obviously agreed with her. Her Latina skin was perfect and her trademark dark hair, streaked with red, still gorgeous. All this in addition to the facts that she looked 35 instead of 46, and, somehow-or-another her boobs even seemed bigger. A boob job I didn’t know about perhaps? It all irritated me a bit: She looked younger than me. Meanwhile, Kirsten kept the conversation safe and dull: What movie was I working on? What was Angelina Jolie really like? Were my paychecks really as high as People magazine reported?

 “They haven’t even run that story yet,” I pointed out over the calamari, salad and drinks between us. “How would you—“

     But of course, then I remembered how she’d know before anyone else did: The publishing world is even smaller than the movie biz. News doesn’t just travel fast anymore: It’s instantaneous.

     I noticed the restaurant had almost cleared which made no sense since it was the middle of lunch hour. Then, our waiter appeared, a scared look on his face.

     “Bad news, ladies: The tornado watch is now a tornado warning,” he said, surprising me with the information and making me wonder why the hell I’d ever come back here: I’d already been here a few months ago for the funeral. Visiting Oklahoma once a decade was too much for me; twice in one year was akin to torture.

      “Multiple vortexes are touching down,” our waiter continued. “and headed this way. It looks pretty bad—maybe a May 19th type situation, so, your dinner’s comped from management. We need to clear out of here ASAP.”

     Kirsten smiled, making me wonder if she was happy the waiter had given us an excuse to end our lunch earlier than planned: She hadn’t seemed very comfortable.

     “Welcome back to Oklahoma for both of us, I guess,” she said, leaving a twenty on the table as a tip. Not to be outdone, I immediately followed suit, though I left forty.

     It had been decades since I’d lived in Oklahoma but I knew better than to ignore the waiter’s warning, as did Kirsten, who was already moving. We walked, then, ran for the restaurant’s exit and, when we got outside, the sky had that strange orange color it gets just before shit hits the fan.

     “Fuck,” Kirsten said, and for a moment, the salty language made me painfully realize just how much I’d missed her. “You’d think they could have mentioned some of this before. My stupid I-Phone’s still set for New York.”

     “I’m sure it’s been all over the news. I shouldn’t have turned off my Galaxy,” I said, grabbing the phone from my purse as I powered it back up. “But I wanted to make sure we weren’t interrupted. It’s… it’s been a long time and I know we’re working stuff out but, well…I really wanted to figure out a way to make things right—to make amends, I guess.”

     My phone began to ping with weather alerts, and, minutes later, we were in Kirsten’s stepfather’s, decked-out Lamborghini, moving quickly down I-35, as the weatherman screamed instructions over the radio and I furiously tapped on my Galaxy S4 for info. Hearing a booming, train sound I was familiar with from childhood, I looked around and that’s when I saw the first funnel appear behind us: It looked like to be a mile wide—just as the man had explained on the air waves.

     “Kirsten,” I said, motioning at the cyclone, more scared than I’d ever been except for that one, awful moment in my life: Money, success and an Academy Award nomination couldn’t save me from what was headed straight for us.

     “Holy shit,” Kirsten said, staring at it in the rear-view mirror. “There’s no way we’re going to make it to Crystal Lakes. No fucking way. We need shelter now.”

     “Then how?” I yelled, cars zipping past us on the highway as if we were standing still. “Why the fuck did we turn off our phones?! Is there a Y.M.C.A. nearby? A school with a cellar? Anything?”

     Kirsten whipped the vehicle we were in from the highway onto the N.W. 23rd exit and that’s when I realized where she was going.

     “Oh no,” I said. “Absolutely not. There’s no fucking way in hell we’re going to his place. I’m not kidding, Kirsten. NO. FUCKING. WAY.”

     “Paige,” Kirsten said, turning toward me. “Look at that mother-fucker headed for us. There are supposedly four on the ground right now. Do you get it, sweetie? Four. Tornadoes. NOW…So, you’ve got two choices. We go see Roman and your brother or you die. Which do you want to do?”

     Minutes later, I noted a basic-brick, moderately upscale, urban-house that we ran past, as leaves, twigs—and now branches—blew past us. Banging on the shelter door in the backyard, I knew my brother and his husband would assume the people knocking were neighbors. From my brother’s shocked expression when he opened the door, my suspicions were confirmed.

     “It’s great to see you too, Sandler,” I said, sarcastically before he finally—guiltily—reached out to give me a hug.

     “Oh, one more thing!” Kirsten screamed from behind me as I saw stairs behind my brother that led deep into an underground, cement shelter. I could tell Kirsten was enjoying the fact I was having to see so many unexpected faces. “Mom’s here too—came with me from New York to see the guys and Wes.”

     As I was making my way down the stairs I could already see Kirsten’s gorgeous mother, Nomi. Hurt, I spoke quickly to her as we hugged.

     “You weren’t even going to tell me you were in town while I was here?” I whispered, hoarsely.

     “I’m only here for a few days, Paige,” Nomi said quickly, her signature gray hair still perfectly groomed—her body still that of a thirty year old, even though she must be in her late sixties. “I saw you just the other day, sweetheart, and I haven’t seen the boys since the funeral—that and the fact that I still, somehow,  keep missing that handbook on how to deal with estranged families. You kids need to find me a copy so I can see what Miss Manners recommends I do with people who can’t be civil to each other.”

     Nomi made a slight grimace and as if on cue, as Kirsten made her way down the cellar stairs and my brother locked up behind her, I heard Roman before I saw him. I winced, prepping myself for his bitchiness. I’d beat him to it, I decided, so I turned, saying:

     “Roman. It hasn’t been long enough. If this hadn’t been a life or death situation you can trust I never would have come here. Trust me when I say that this is all quite a surprise.”

     I was glad I’d gotten my line out before I fully took in Roman’s changed appearance. The older, sorta-overweight Roman I’d gotten used to had been replaced by a different model—the one from our youths. Clearly lifting weights again, his pecs poked out at me through the loose T-shirt he wore and he had done something to his face to look much, much younger: If Kirsten looked five years younger than me, the horrible man standing before me now looked at least ten. It was my turn to grimace. I steeled myself for his reply and it didn’t disappoint.

     “Not too much of a surprise,” Roman said, taking a step toward me in a threatening way. “A tornado’s coming, so, it just makes sense some witch would show up too—but how the hell do I get to drop a house on you in here?”

 

 

Snag SEX/SOAP, an X-rated drama about beautiful people doing decadent things, by clicking here:

For Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/SOAP-Adult-Novel-Stuart-Hazleton-ebook/dp/B00LXLSGQA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1406843283&sr=8-2&keywords=stuart+hazleton

For Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Soap-An-Adult-Novel/dp/150062666X/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&qid=1406843415&sr=8-9&keywords=stuart+hazleton

To purchase Sex-Scopes: How to Seduce, Stimulate and Satisfy any Sign:http://www.amazon.com/Sexscopes-Seduce-Stimulate-Satisfy-Sign-ebook/dp/B000FC0U3A/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1406843415&sr=8-1&keywords=stuart+hazleton

To buy Sex-Horoscopo, the Spanish edition of Sex-Scopes, click here:

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-horoscopo-Sex-Scopes-Seduccion-Astrologicos-stimulate/dp/8489897824/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1406843415&sr=8-7&keywords=stuart+hazleton

To see videos discussing SEX/SOAP, astrology and Sex-Scopes, check out my Amazon page, scroll down a bit and check out the stuff on the

right-hand side: amazon.com/author/stuarthazleton

 

 

Stuart Hazleton’s August Astrology:

Summer’s Not the Only Thing Getting Hot

 

ARIES: DON’T BE A DICK

 Friend Forecast: Pissy Pluto has you wanting to bully one of your quieter allies around the 11th (think of that caring Cancer or cautious Pisces in your life). Do this at your own peril, ram: Being nasty might leave you feeling momentarily powerful but it will also equal one less ally.

Sex-Scope: Tender-hearted Venus has you yearning for sweet stuff like flowers and candy after the 22nd. Flip this scenario by giving your other–or crush–a cool gift. Doing so will lead to better–and BIGGER–things! :-)

 

TAURUS: KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN

 Friend Forecast: An important new potential friendship occurs, before the 8th, with asteroid Chiron pulling strings. Look for a calculating new sign who has entered your life (probably a Capricorn, Gemini or Virgo) and invite this new potential bud to lunch ASAP: He or she will help you focus on small details in everything from the bedroom to the boardroom.

Sex-Scope: Mastermind Mars makes the 15th and 16th a time for balls-to-the-wall bed banging. From barking out carnal commands to living out your own version of 50 Shades of Gray, do whatever makes you feel forceful–and since you’ll be hornier than a rhino, if you’re single, make sure condoms are part of this sexy scenario.

 

GEMINI: PLAY GAMES

 Friend Forecast: Empathetic Uranus gives much needed understanding when a friend comes to you with an important, unresolved issue on the 7th. Be guardian to his/her galaxy by using this period of insight wisely, sign-o’-the-twins: Helping your friend will end up improving your own situation as well.

Sex-Scope: Mental Mercury makes sex-games the rule from the 18th on. Break out blindfolds, hand-cuffs, or that sexy cheerleader/basketball player uniform you saved from your high school/college days: Trust me, Gem: You won’t be dropping this ball!

 

CANCER: TEAM UP

 Friend Forecast: Brilliant Mercury has you joining forces with two uber-smart co-workers before the 18th to solve a problem your boss has (look for that level-headed Libra, sassy Scorpio or goal-oriented Capricorn). If you and your buds can get this dilemma done away with, count on a cash bonus–or better yet, a permanent raise.

Sex-Scope: Slow-and-easy Venus has you wanting to receive–not give–on the 26th. Whether you’re aiming for oral or just the missionary position, lay back and let your other half–or carnal crush–take these raunchy reigns: Trust me, Crabby: This is one ride you’ll REALLY enjoy!

 

LEO: WATCH YOUR BACK

 Friend Forecast: Consider calling in sick on the 4th, when vengeful Mars has a coworker gunning to gut your goals. Luckily this phase won’t last much longer than Vanilla Ice’s career, so, by the 5th, you’ll be ready to head back into the corporate world.

Sex-Scope: Naughty Neptune has you in the mood to spank your partner-in-crime on the 21st and 22nd. If your other is up for this (signs likely to go along with this butt-banging include Cancer, Libra and Pisces) then get going–but if you’re with a more aggressive type like Aries or Capricorn, count on exchanging spanks instead of just giving ‘em.

 

VIRGO: PRACTICE YOUR POKER FACE

 Friend Forecast: When a buddy approaches you with shocking news on the 6th, courtesy of ever-surprising Uranus, be careful to keep your expression absolutely neutral. Admit it, Mr., or Mrs., Innocence: You’ve had some odd adventures of your own–even if you do tend to keep them to yourself. Once you’ve worked through your embarrassment, let your ally know that everyone engages in odd behavior occasionally–then, once you’re done with that, go home and giggle–after you’re safely ensconced in your own room.

Sex-Scope: On the 31st, with sexy Saturn influencing amour, you’ll want to take your relationship to a new level. Before doing so, earth sign, make sure you’re really ready for monogamy or marriage–it’s a big step you need to think through before discussing it with your other or crush.

 

LIBRA: GET EXCESSIVE

 Friend Forecast: Sensitive Venus has you way too conscious of your allies’ opinions from the 28th on. Realize your friends are just that–and that over-analyzing comments–and even compliments–will lead to pointless heartache and misunderstandings.

Sex-Scope: Pile-driving Pluto has you aiming for as many O’s as possible on the 12th. Give in to this healthy desire by staying in bed all day with your other–or temporary bed buddy–to see just how many times your champagne bottle can pop within a 24 hour period.

 

CAPRICORN: OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SAY, “AAAAAHHHHHH…”

 Friend Forecast: Snooty Venus has you all about yourself on the 24th. While you’ll be thinking you’re the shit, if you blow your horn TOO much, your buds will just think you’re apiece of shit, so go the humble route through this volatile burst of va-voom.

Sex-Scope: If you want fun bed play on the 23rd aim for head play, courtesy of carnal Chiron. Yup, you’ll be all about oral presentations, but trust me, earth sign: This isn’t the kind of stuff you’d be safe presenting at work–unless you’re banging a business bud behind locked doors.

 

SCORPIO: KEEP YOUR STINGER STOWED

Friend Forecast: When an ex-friend tries to re-enter your world around the 13th, courtesy of kind-hearted Venus, weigh your options carefully: Odds are way higher than Lindsay Lohan that this ex-ally of your would serve you better as a true friend–but make sure you work out your earlier argument before re-bonding.

Sex-Scope: Dangerous Mars has you ready to wreak vengeance on an ex around the 30th. Whatever you have in mind, scorpion, keep your stinger in place for someone more important: If you stab this ex in the back expect MAJOR escalation sooner than you think.

 

SAGITTARIUS: BREAK THE RULES

 Friend Forecast: Tough guy Mars exposes a frenemy around the 17th. Instead of flipping out on this back-stabber, just avoid her/him: Engaging this dickhead could result in WAY more carnage than a Friday the 13th flick.

Sex-Scope: Experimental Uranus has you wanting to get wild and wicked on the 12th. Whether you’re considering a three-way or something even more over-the-top, make sure you communicate your carnal desires with your other half first: Sometimes fantasies are better left as just that–but sometimes giving in to desire can be TOTALLY delicious!

 

AQUARIUS: GET YOUR MILF–OR DILF–ON

 Friend Forecast: Mercury confuses communication from the 11th through the 14th, creating the potential for major conflict with coworkers and close buds. Watch your tongue during this period, Aquaman (or woman!) and if all else fails, keep your lips zipped.

Sex-Scope: Asteroid Juno has you wanting to play a maternal/paternal figure in the bedroom until the 16th. Giving into this motherly/fatherly vibe may work well if you’re partnered with naturally nurturing types like Cancer or Taurus but if you go too far with tougher types, like Aries or Sagittarius, you’ll be trading a sick scene for an ick scene.

 

PISCES: SWIM UPSTREAM

Friend Forecast: Giant Jupiter sends a big bud to help you K. O.  a dreaded enemy on the 18th, and, by big, I’m talking one of your taller, stronger associates. Use the buttressing from this all important ally to knock your nemesis to the curb–after that, avoid this enemy and all should turn out well.

Sex-Scope: Sassy Mercury turns wordplay into a passion pumper on the 26th. Do I mean talking like a trucker? Think again, fishy: What I’m saying is to outline your amorous adventures in ultra-erotic DETAIL before enacting them with a sext/text–or in person–before your bed-bang begins.

 

NAKED TRUTHS: SEX/SOAP and August Astrology

NAKED TRUTHS: SEX/SOAP and August Astrology

My new novel SEX/SOAP has come!

(TWICE, if you count the Kindle and paperback versions–I’m always up for second rounds!)    ;-)

I was a Cosmopolitan columnist for five years, my work was featured in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle and I’ve worked extensively in the motion picture industry. This is me…

This is my book, SEX/SOAP, a romp about beautiful people doing decadent things, set in the high-pressure worlds of beauty magazines and the motion picture industry. Whether you’re looking for raunchy rendezvous, hot, hetero hunks, willful women, hung homosexuals, lusty ladies, bad-ass bisexuals, beautiful bitches, friendships that last forever, or just balls-deep sex scenes, you’ll find what you’re looking for between these pages.

Read the book alone, or aloud with a partner, because each chapter will leave you UP for more…

This is how you buy the book…

In paperback:  http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Soap-An-Adu...

On Kindle or through Kindle Unlimited:

http://www.amazon.com/SOAP-Adult-Novel-Stuart-Hazleton-ebook/dp/B00LXLSGQA/ref=sr_1_4_title_1_kin?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407460668&sr=1-4&keywords=sex%2Fsoap

 

To see me discussing SEX/SOAP, click here on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch22WA76Has

 

To buy my other books including Sex-Scopes: How To Seduce, Stimulate and Satisfy any Sign and Sex-Horoscopo en Espanol, please check out my Amazon author page:

http://www.amazon.com/Stuart-Hazleton/e/B001H6IJ8Q/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1407460828&sr=8-1

For your August Astrology report, keep scrolling down the screen…I promise you’ll like what you see…

Stuart Hazleton’s SEX/SOAP and August Astrology

Stuart Hazleton’s August Astrology 
 
 
 
I’ve authored two books and was a Cosmopolitan columnist for five years.
 
 

Snag my new novel, SEX/SOAP, an X-rated drama about beautiful people doing decadent things, set in the high powered worlds of beauty mags and movie-making, by clicking here:
For Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/SOAP-Adult-Novel-Stuart-Hazleton-ebook/dp/B00LXLSGQA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1406843283&sr=8-2&keywords=stuart+hazleton
For Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Soap-An-Adult-Novel/dp/150062666X/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&qid=1406843415&sr=8-9&keywords=stuart+hazleton
 

To purchase Sex-Scopes: How to Seduce, Stimulate and Satisfy any Sign: http://www.amazon.com/Sexscopes-Seduce-Stimulate-Satisfy-Sign-ebook/dp/B000FC0U3A/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1406843415&sr=8-1&keywords=stuart+hazleton

To buy Sex-Horoscopo, the Spanish edition of Sex-Scopes, click here:

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-horoscopo-Sex-Scopes-Seduccion-Astrologicos-stimulate/dp/8489897824/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1406843415&sr=8-7&keywords=stuart+hazleton

To see videos discussing SEX/SOAP, astrology and Sex-Scopes, check out my Amazon page, scroll down a bit and check out the stuff on the

right-hand side: amazon.com/author/stuarthazleton

 

Stuart Hazleton’s August Astrology:

Summer’s Not the Only Thing Getting Hot

ARIES: DON’T BE A DICK

 Friend Forecast: Pissy Pluto has you wanting to bully one of your quieter allies around the 11th (think of that caring Cancer or cautious Pisces in your life). Do this at your own peril, ram: Being nasty might leave you feeling momentarily powerful but it will also equal one less ally. Sex-Scope: Tender-hearted Venus has you yearning for sweet stuff like flowers and candy after the 22nd. Flip this scenario by giving your other–or crush–a cool gift. Doing so will lead to better–and BIGGER–things! :-)  

TAURUS: KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN

 Friend Forecast: An important new potential friendship occurs, before the 8th, with asteroid Chiron pulling strings. Look for a calculating new sign who has entered your life (probably a Capricorn, Gemini or Virgo) and invite this new potential bud to lunch ASAP: He or she will help you focus on small details in everything from the bedroom to the boardroom. Sex-Scope: Mastermind Mars makes the 15th and 16th a time for balls-to-the-wall bed banging. From barking out carnal commands to living out your own version of 50 Shades of Gray, do whatever makes you feel forceful–and since you’ll be hornier than a rhino, if you’re single, make sure condoms are part of this sexy scenario.  

GEMINI: PLAY GAMES

 Friend Forecast: Empathetic Uranus gives much needed understanding when a friend comes to you with an important, unresolved issue on the 7th. Be guardian to his/her galaxy by using this period of insight wisely, sign-o’-the-twins: Helping your friend will end up improving your own situation as well. Sex-Scope: Mental Mercury makes sex-games the rule from the 18th on. Break out blindfolds, hand-cuffs, or that sexy cheerleader/basketball player uniform you saved from your high school/college days: Trust me, Gem: You won’t be dropping this ball!  

CANCER: TEAM UP

 Friend Forecast: Brilliant Mercury has you joining forces with two uber-smart co-workers before the 18th to solve a problem your boss has (look for that level-headed Libra, sassy Scorpio or goal-oriented Capricorn). If you and your buds can get this dilemma done away with, count on a cash bonus–or better yet, a permanent raise. Sex-Scope: Slow-and-easy Venus has you wanting to receive–not give–on the 26th. Whether you’re aiming for oral or just the missionary position, lay back and let your other half–or carnal crush–take these raunchy reigns: Trust me, Crabby: This is one ride you’ll REALLY enjoy!  

LEO: WATCH YOUR BACK

 Friend Forecast: Consider calling in sick on the 4th, when vengeful Mars has a coworker gunning to gut your goals. Luckily this phase won’t last much longer than Vanilla Ice’s career, so, by the 5th, you’ll be ready to head back into the corporate world. Sex-Scope: Naughty Neptune has you in the mood to spank your partner-in-crime on the 21st and 22nd. If your other is up for this (signs likely to go along with this butt-banging include Cancer, Libra and Pisces) then get going–but if you’re with a more aggressive type like Aries or Capricorn, count on exchanging spanks instead of just giving ‘em.  

VIRGO: PRACTICE YOUR POKER FACE

 Friend Forecast: When a buddy approaches you with shocking news on the 6th, courtesy of ever-surprising Uranus, be careful to keep your expression absolutely neutral. Admit it, Mr., or Mrs., Innocence: You’ve had some odd adventures of your own–even if you do tend to keep them to yourself. Once you’ve worked through your embarrassment, let your ally know that everyone engages in odd behavior occasionally–then, once you’re done with that, go home and giggle–after you’re safely ensconced in your own room. Sex-Scope: On the 31st, with sexy Saturn influencing amour, you’ll want to take your relationship to a new level. Before doing so, earth sign, make sure you’re really ready for monogamy or marriage–it’s a big step you need to think through before discussing it with your other or crush.  

LIBRA: GET EXCESSIVE

 Friend Forecast: Sensitive Venus has you way too conscious of your allies’ opinions from the 28th on. Realize your friends are just that–and that over-analyzing comments–and even compliments–will lead to pointless heartache and misunderstandings. Sex-Scope: Pile-driving Pluto has you aiming for as many O’s as possible on the 12th. Give in to this healthy desire by staying in bed all day with your other–or temporary bed buddy–to see just how many times your champagne bottle can pop within a 24 hour period.  

CAPRICORN: OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SAY, “AAAAAHHHHHH…”

 Friend Forecast: Snooty Venus has you all about yourself on the 24th. While you’ll be thinking you’re the shit, if you blow your horn TOO much, your buds will just think you’re a piece of shit, so go the humble route through this volatile burst of va-voom. Sex-Scope: If you want fun bed play on the 23rd aim for head play, courtesy of carnal Chiron. Yup, you’ll be all about oral presentations, but trust me, earth sign: This isn’t the kind of stuff you’d be safe presenting at work–unless you’re banging a business bud behind locked doors.  

SCORPIO: KEEP YOUR STINGER STOWED

Friend Forecast: When an ex-friend tries to re-enter your world around the 13th, courtesy of kind-hearted Venus, weigh your options carefully: Odds are way higher than Lindsay Lohan that this ex-ally of your would serve you better as a true friend–but make sure you work out your earlier argument before re-bonding. Sex-Scope: Dangerous Mars has you ready to wreak vengeance on an ex around the 30th. Whatever you have in mind, scorpion, keep your stinger in place for someone more important: If you stab this ex in the back expect MAJOR escalation sooner than you think.  

SAGITTARIUS: BREAK THE RULES

 Friend Forecast: Tough guy Mars exposes a frenemy around the 17th. Instead of flipping out on this back-stabber, just avoid her/him: Engaging this dickhead could result in WAY more carnage than a Friday the 13th flick. Sex-Scope: Experimental Uranus has you wanting to get wild and wicked on the 12th. Whether you’re considering a three-way or something even more over-the-top, make sure you communicate your carnal desires with your other half first: Sometimes fantasies are better left as just that–but sometimes giving in to desire can be TOTALLY delicious!  

AQUARIUS: GET YOUR MILF–OR DILF–ON

 Friend Forecast: Mercury confuses communication from the 11th through the 14th, creating the potential for major conflict with coworkers and close buds. Watch your tongue during this period, Aquaman (or woman!) and if all else fails, keep your lips zipped. Sex-Scope: Asteroid Juno has you wanting to play a maternal/paternal figure in the bedroom until the 16th. Giving into this motherly/fatherly vibe may work well if you’re partnered with naturally nurturing types like Cancer or Taurus but if you go too far with tougher types, like Aries or Sagittarius, you’ll be trading a sick scene for an ick scene.  

PISCES: SWIM UPSTREAM

Friend Forecast: Giant Jupiter sends a big bud to help you K. O.  a dreaded enemy on the 18th, and, by big, I’m talking one of your taller, stronger associates. Use the buttressing from this all important ally to knock your nemesis to the curb–after that, avoid this enemy and all should turn out well. Sex-Scope: Sassy Mercury turns wordplay into a passion pumper on the 26th. Do I mean talking like a trucker? Think again, fishy: What I’m saying is to outline your amorous adventures in ultra-erotic DETAIL before enacting them with a sext/text–or in person–before your bed-bang begins.  

 

Stuart Hazleton’s SEX/SOAP and August Astrology

Stuart Hazleton’s August Astrology 



I’ve authored two books and was a Cosmopolitan columnist for five years.



Snag my new novel, SEX/SOAP, an X-rated drama about beautiful people doing decadent things, set in the high powered worlds of beauty mags and movie-making, by clicking here:
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Stuart Hazleton’s August Astrology:

Summer’s Not the Only Thing Getting Hot

ARIES: DON’T BE A DICK

 Friend Forecast: Pissy Pluto has you wanting to bully one of your quieter allies around the 11th (think of that caring Cancer or cautious Pisces in your life). Do this at your own peril, ram: Being nasty might leave you feeling momentarily powerful but it will also equal one less ally.

Sex-Scope: Tender-hearted Venus has you yearning for sweet stuff like flowers and candy after the 22nd. Flip this scenario by giving your other–or crush–a cool gift. Doing so will lead to better–and BIGGER–things! :-)

 

TAURUS: KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN

 Friend Forecast: An important new potential friendship occurs, before the 8th, with asteroid Chiron pulling strings. Look for a calculating new sign who has entered your life (probably a Capricorn, Gemini or Virgo) and invite this new potential bud to lunch ASAP: He or she will help you focus on small details in everything from the bedroom to the boardroom.

Sex-Scope: Mastermind Mars makes the 15th and 16th a time for balls-to-the-wall bed banging. From barking out carnal commands to living out your own version of 50 Shades of Gray, do whatever makes you feel forceful–and since you’ll be hornier than a rhino, if you’re single, make sure condoms are part of this sexy scenario.

 

GEMINI: PLAY GAMES

 Friend Forecast: Empathetic Uranus gives much needed understanding when a friend comes to you with an important, unresolved issue on the 7th. Be guardian to his/her galaxy by using this period of insight wisely, sign-o’-the-twins: Helping your friend will end up improving your own situation as well.

Sex-Scope: Mental Mercury makes sex-games the rule from the 18th on. Break out blindfolds, hand-cuffs, or that sexy cheerleader/basketball player uniform you saved from your high school/college days: Trust me, Gem: You won’t be dropping this ball!

 

CANCER: TEAM UP

 Friend Forecast: Brilliant Mercury has you joining forces with two uber-smart co-workers before the 18th to solve a problem your boss has (look for that level-headed Libra, sassy Scorpio or goal-oriented Capricorn). If you and your buds can get this dilemma done away with, count on a cash bonus–or better yet, a permanent raise.

Sex-Scope: Slow-and-easy Venus has you wanting to receive–not give–on the 26th. Whether you’re aiming for oral or just the missionary position, lay back and let your other half–or carnal crush–take these raunchy reigns: Trust me, Crabby: This is one ride you’ll REALLY enjoy!

 

LEO: WATCH YOUR BACK

 Friend Forecast: Consider calling in sick on the 4th, when vengeful Mars has a coworker gunning to gut your goals. Luckily this phase won’t last much longer than Vanilla Ice’s career, so, by the 5th, you’ll be ready to head back into the corporate world.

Sex-Scope: Naughty Neptune has you in the mood to spank your partner-in-crime on the 21st and 22nd. If your other is up for this (signs likely to go along with this butt-banging include Cancer, Libra and Pisces) then get going–but if you’re with a more aggressive type like Aries or Capricorn, count on exchanging spanks instead of just giving ‘em.

 

VIRGO: PRACTICE YOUR POKER FACE

 Friend Forecast: When a buddy approaches you with shocking news on the 6th, courtesy of ever-surprising Uranus, be careful to keep your expression absolutely neutral. Admit it, Mr., or Mrs., Innocence: You’ve had some odd adventures of your own–even if you do tend to keep them to yourself. Once you’ve worked through your embarrassment, let your ally know that everyone engages in odd behavior occasionally–then, once you’re done with that, go home and giggle–after you’re safely ensconced in your own room.

Sex-Scope: On the 31st, with sexy Saturn influencing amour, you’ll want to take your relationship to a new level. Before doing so, earth sign, make sure you’re really ready for monogamy or marriage–it’s a big step you need to think through before discussing it with your other or crush.

 

LIBRA: GET EXCESSIVE

 Friend Forecast: Sensitive Venus has you way too conscious of your allies’ opinions from the 28th on. Realize your friends are just that–and that over-analyzing comments–and even compliments–will lead to pointless heartache and misunderstandings.

Sex-Scope: Pile-driving Pluto has you aiming for as many O’s as possible on the 12th. Give in to this healthy desire by staying in bed all day with your other–or temporary bed buddy–to see just how many times your champagne bottle can pop within a 24 hour period.

 

CAPRICORN: OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SAY, “AAAAAHHHHHH…”

 Friend Forecast: Snooty Venus has you all about yourself on the 24th. While you’ll be thinking you’re the shit, if you blow your horn TOO much, your buds will just think you’re a piece of shit, so go the humble route through this volatile burst of va-voom.

Sex-Scope: If you want fun bed play on the 23rd aim for head play, courtesy of carnal Chiron. Yup, you’ll be all about oral presentations, but trust me, earth sign: This isn’t the kind of stuff you’d be safe presenting at work–unless you’re banging a business bud behind locked doors.

 

SCORPIO: KEEP YOUR STINGER STOWED

Friend Forecast: When an ex-friend tries to re-enter your world around the 13th, courtesy of kind-hearted Venus, weigh your options carefully: Odds are way higher than Lindsay Lohan that this ex-ally of your would serve you better as a true friend–but make sure you work out your earlier argument before re-bonding.

Sex-Scope: Dangerous Mars has you ready to wreak vengeance on an ex around the 30th. Whatever you have in mind, scorpion, keep your stinger in place for someone more important: If you stab this ex in the back expect MAJOR escalation sooner than you think.

 

SAGITTARIUS: BREAK THE RULES

 Friend Forecast: Tough guy Mars exposes a frenemy around the 17th. Instead of flipping out on this back-stabber, just avoid her/him: Engaging this dickhead could result in WAY more carnage than a Friday the 13th flick.

Sex-Scope: Experimental Uranus has you wanting to get wild and wicked on the 12th. Whether you’re considering a three-way or something even more over-the-top, make sure you communicate your carnal desires with your other half first: Sometimes fantasies are better left as just that–but sometimes giving in to desire can be TOTALLY delicious!

 

AQUARIUS: GET YOUR MILF–OR DILF–ON

 Friend Forecast: Mercury confuses communication from the 11th through the 14th, creating the potential for major conflict with coworkers and close buds. Watch your tongue during this period, Aquaman (or woman!) and if all else fails, keep your lips zipped.

Sex-Scope: Asteroid Juno has you wanting to play a maternal/paternal figure in the bedroom until the 16th. Giving into this motherly/fatherly vibe may work well if you’re partnered with naturally nurturing types like Cancer or Taurus but if you go too far with tougher types, like Aries or Sagittarius, you’ll be trading a sick scene for an ick scene.

 

PISCES: SWIM UPSTREAM

Friend Forecast: Giant Jupiter sends a big bud to help you K. O.  a dreaded enemy on the 18th, and, by big, I’m talking one of your taller, stronger associates. Use the buttressing from this all important ally to knock your nemesis to the curb–after that, avoid this enemy and all should turn out well.

Sex-Scope: Sassy Mercury turns wordplay into a passion pumper on the 26th. Do I mean talking like a trucker? Think again, fishy: What I’m saying is to outline your amorous adventures in ultra-erotic DETAIL before enacting them with a sext/text–or in person–before your bed-bang begins.