Tara Mohr's Blog, page 12

what i’ve learned this year…

 

There’s something that I’ve been learning in my personal work on myself that I want to share with you today. It’s changed so much for me.

There’s a lot of excitement in our culture around the idea of mindfulness – becoming an observer of your own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors – in order to see them rather than be caught in them, to watch your behavior patterns rather than be identified with them.

Through meditation, journaling, or talking with a therapist, coach or even good friend, we start to ask questions like: What am I feeling? What limiting belief may be holding me back? What old conditioning is causing me to hurt myself and others?

As we answer these questions, we can start to actually look at, evaluate, and have agency around old patterns and beliefs that otherwise unconsciously drive our choices.

To all this I would say, yes: this kind of self-awareness can open up a space for us to begin to change a belief or behavior.

But what I’ve been learning lately is that for me, awareness is not really the most important thing in making change. The most important thing is something that comes next – in between awareness and action.

Let me take you through an example. Let’s say, through some awareness practice – perhaps journaling about some areas I feel stuck around – I discover that I have an old and deeply held belief that I don’t belong. Through more inquiry, I pinpoint some of the early childhood experiences I had that led to this belief – my family acting and looking different than those around us in our neighborhood, and some painful memories of being excluded.

So now I’m aware. I’m aware of a limiting belief that I’m carrying. I’m aware of the root causes. I’m aware of the costs.

But this is not quite enough for me to make real change and stop acting out of this belief. Why? Because the younger, hurt part of myself who got those early messages is not soothed or healed by my new cognitive awareness about them.

That’s worth repeating: the younger, hurt part of myself who got those early messages is not soothed or healed by my new cognitive awareness about them.

She needs something different. She needs to heal the early experiences of not belonging. She needs to receive the love and support she needed at the time of those painful experiences, but didn’t get then. She needs to know some older grown-up has her back and will be there for her, resolute and full to the brim with love, when she feels lonely.

So I take out my pen, and I find all her old pains, and embrace them. By “embrace” I don’t mean “accept” them. I mean a more literal embrace. I meet them, and her, with a loving hug. I write my list of embraces:

I embrace the little girl who felt different.

I embrace the younger girl who looked around and felt her body stood apart from all the others.

I embrace the little girl who wanted a house full of people and laughter.

I embrace the little girl who wanted to blend in, and just be one of many, and feel cozy as part of some larger circle.

I didn’t really know until this year you can hug your old pain and thereby transform it. I didn’t really know some emotions in you need your internal hug. I didn’t know these strange immaterial hugs are like magic that changes everything inside.

You can give them like this, through writing. Or you can picture your younger self in your mind’s eye and go to her, ask her what she needs and give it. Stay until she is okay, until she dismisses you because she is ready to play happily again. She’ll let you know when she’s been made whole.

It’s this – not the new awareness, but the embrace I can give to what I’ve just become aware of – that allows me to unblock what has long been blocked in me. It’s the love I give the old pain that allows me to stop acting out of that pain.

Now I know: if you haven’t embraced your younger self lately, you are living a compromised life.

Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist monk, global spiritual leader, and peace activist has written:

Sometimes the wounded child in us needs all of our attention … If you are mindful, you will hear his or her voice calling for help. At that moment … you go back and tenderly embrace the wounded child within you …

“When we speak of listening with compassion, we usually think of listening to someone else. But we must also listen to the wounded child inside of us. The wounded child in us is here in the present moment. And we can heal him or her right now. ‘My dear little wounded child, I’m here for you, ready to listen to you. Please tell me all your suffering, all your pain. I am here, really listening.’ And if you know how to go back to her, to him, and listen like that every day for five or ten minutes, healing will take place.”

 

So this is my offering to you this week.

Find some old pain. If you don’t know where to find yours, ask yourself: What fears gripped me today? Where did I betray myself? When was I dishonest today? Then ask, why did I think I couldn’t tell the truth? Or, what beliefs about life or others or myself led me to betray myself in that way? Or, what is the origin of that fear? As you look deeper into the why of that fear or self-betrayal or dishonesty, as you follow it to its root, you will find some old pain.

Find that younger girl who first experienced it, and feel everything she went through.

Then write your embraces. Everything in her you embrace. Everything still in you that you now embrace.

I embrace the little girl who was …

I embrace the little girl who had to …

I embrace the little girl who felt …

You will feel it – across your chest, tingling in your skin, how this changes everything.

Let us know about your experience, and hear from others, here.

Love,

Tara

 

A New Twist on Gratitude Practice

You can listen to this post in audio, too. Click the player to download an mp3 file, or you can read below …

Today, I want to invite you to try a new twist on gratitude journaling.

I recently heard a friend say she’d started writing down not only what she was grateful for, but why she was grateful for it. This had really made a difference for her.

My occasional gratitude journaling had gotten a little dry and perfunctory feeling, so I was intrigued.

So, instead of my gratitude list looking like…

   •  Conversation with M

   •  Walk & coffee this morning

   •  Green chair family moment this evening

it looked like…

Conversation with M

   •  because something genuinely new happened in the conversation today

   •  because I have been pushed to grow so much in this relationship

   •  because it’s so great to finally be in the same geographic place with her

Walk & coffee this morning

   •  because of the silence and sweet alone time

   •  because of the adorable coffee shop

   •  because of the spring weather

Green chair family moment this evening

   •  because of feeling connected

   •  because of seeing the affection between my children

   •  because of the memory of seeing eric’s face watching them together

My experience in doing this was that it really amplified all the positive feelings I’d normally feel only a touch of when making a gratitude list. This brought more joy. More of feeling moved. More of that feeling of being strengthened and calmed as I wrote. A sense of my heart swelling in my chest.

Then, in editing this post, I went back and read the list above and I felt a desire to be even more specific.

The lists evolved to this…

Conversation with M

   •  because of that moment, when I heard myself say x, and I was looking at the sunlight on the road, and I felt so clear in saying it

   •  and then I heard her say y back, and it was clear – we really were changing our dynamic around this thing

Walk & coffee this morning

   •  because of the blue awning and the coal black sidewalk that greeted me

   •  because of the two golden dogs outside

   •  because of that feeling of freedom – walking, alone, the time and permission to do so

And as I went back and added in these details, the positive feelings only amplified more.

Not only that, but as I mined for the details, the experiences themselves seemed to expand. Instead of feeling like the day had just flown by again, it felt replete with vivid, rich experiences.

As I did a little more research, I discovered that the findings on gratitude practices are very in line with my experience: being more specific and including more details increases the impact of the practice.

And, sitting with the grateful feelings for a few moments, letting them flood the body, is what retrains the brain. It’s what causes gratitude practice to have an impact on our general mood and wellbeing as we move through our lives – not just in the moment of writing our gratitude list.

As Rick Hanson, psychologist and author of Buddha’s Brain, put it, “Really savor this positive experience. Practice what any school teacher knows: If you want to help people learn something, make it as intense as possible—in this case, as felt in the body as possible—for as long as possible.”

So this week’s practice: a few nights of the week try this out. (Research has shown you really don’t need to do this every day to get the benefits, so perfectionism – be gone!)

Journal about a few things you are grateful for, but take time to identify and write down the reasons why you are grateful for each.

Let us know what your experience is like in our Weekly Practice Facebook group here.

And, for more tips on making a gratitude practice effective (there are a lot of nuances beyond just writing a gratitude list), visit here.

With love,

Tara

Representative of Love

You can listen to this post in audio, too. Click the player to download an mp3 file, or you can read below …

Good morning everyone!

I am back with another weekly practice for you, and this one is one of my long-time favorites. And when I say long-time, I mean LONG-TIME. I started using this one more twenty years ago.

It comes from author and spiritual teacher, Marianne Williamson. I came across it in her books when I was a teenager and have been living with it close to my heart ever since.

Here’s what it is: ask to be a representative of love.

In the morning, when you wake up, ask to be the representative of love as you move through your day. Ask to be the representative of love in your relationships. Ask to be the representative of love in your family, your workplace, your interactions.

Simply say, with heart and willingness: May I be a representative of love today.

And then, whenever you face a significant situation or one you want to be particularly intentional around, set this intention again in a more specific way.

May I be a representative of love in this meeting.

May I be a representative of love in this classroom.

May I be the representative of love on this email thread.

May I be the representative of love at this social gathering.

The interesting thing is, of course it’s not clear at the outset what being the representative of love is going to look like in any situation. That’s why this is an open-ended prayer, not a behavioral prescription. You get to be surprised and moved and taught as it’s revealed to you, in each situation – what love means, what love entails – here.

I’ll tell you about one powerful time I used this practice. It was in my prior career, when I was working inside a large organization. I had a meeting in which there were some very high stakes around the funding of a particular project. Lots of different opinions, big egos, and competing agendas in the room. My initial stance was a mix of fear and self-obsession: how was I going to fare and come across? I also felt resistance and frustration – I really didn’t want to deal with the politics and posturing. A part of me wanted to just check out.

Instead, I set the intention to be the representative of love in the room. Other people could represent their agenda or the drive to win or whatever they’d be representing. I’d intend to be the representative of love.

So how did that unfold in this particular context? Well, because I’d set this intention, I came into the meeting with a different kind of presence and warmth. As the dialogue started, I noticed that instead of thinking of my own point of view, worrying about how I would come across, or feeling annoyed at others, I was naturally thinking about what would be of service to everyone in the room and the people we were trying to serve through the decision being discussed.

My thoughts went to the common ground across the divergent viewpoints, and the limitations with all the ideas being expressed. In other words, there was a strange and stunning way this simple intention took me above the fray of the debate to a perspective on it that was truly helpful.

And because I knew I was speaking not for myself but for love, I was able to express that perspective with a kind of confidence I wouldn’t have otherwise had. It ended up being a meeting where I contributed something valuable to the project, and people took notice – it was valuable for my own advancement to doing the work I wanted to do as well.

In my personal life, I also use this practice all the time. When I’m feeling challenged in a relationship, I will often ask to be a representative of love in my interactions with the person. I’m always amazed by how much it helps, and the new pathways forward I can suddenly feel my way into.

Now let me underscore one important thing: there’s a reason we ask to be a representative of love, rather than deciding we will be, because we simply can’t do this on our own.

We can’t will ourselves to be representatives of love.

We can’t control this.

We could try to act in a way that we associate with loving behavior, but that wouldn’t be the same as actually embodying and emanating loving energy. For that we need some help, some grace. So we say this as an intention, a humble request, a prayer to something larger than us. And we are lifted as it is answered.

Let me know how it goes as you try out the practice this week.

With … well, you guessed it – love,

Tara

A New Way To Do Your To Do List

This week’s practice is based on the work of Jonathan Fields. If you don’t know Jonathan’s work yet, I wholeheartedly recommend it. He’s thoughtful, soulful, and smart.

His most recent book, How to Live a Good Life, offers a powerful model for composing a fulfilling, balanced life.

The big idea is this: Living a good life depends on keeping three major “buckets” of your life replenished and full.

The three buckets are:

1. Vitality

“… the state of your mind and body.” Meditation, movement, quality sleep, healthy nutrition, gratitude practices, and time in nature are some of the activities that keep this bucket full.

2. Connection

The nourishing relationships with others and with ourselves. Finding and being with our people, quality time and conversation, and giving and expressing love all fill this bucket.

3. Contribution

This is how you contribute to the world. It’s about bringing your gifts forward, using your strengths, and taking action in alignment with your values so that you make the contribution you most want to make.

Jonathan warns, “If any single bucket runs dry, you feel pain.”

He also says that “the buckets leak.” In other words, if we don’t deliberately use our actions, routines, and choices about how we spend our time and energy to keep them full, they will empty out.

I loved this model and I started using it to review and tweak my calendar and to-do list. How did my overall week look in terms of keeping each bucket full? How did each day look in terms of attending to each bucket?

Here is the practice for this week: Look at your calendar for the week. Are you going to get enough nourishment in each of the three areas?

If you are low on Connection, do something to address that – make sure to add some phone calls with loved ones, or to take lunch with a favorite coworker, or simply to pay more attention to truly connecting with family members.

If you’ve forgotten to attend to your Vitality, see what you can do to incorporate more movement or meditation or nature time – or another vitality building activity into your week.

And if you are feeling empty on Contribution – consider how you can give a little more to the people in your community, the people you meet out in the world as you move through your day. Or consider your strengths, your values – how can they come out into the world more – in simple ways – today?

Each day, look at how you are spending your time and see if you need to rebalance a little, to keep all three buckets replenished and full.

Let us know how it goes – join our private Weekly Practice Facebook group to share your experience and read others’ accounts. I’ll see you over there!

To learn more about the three buckets and how to apply them in your life, get the How to Live a Good Life book – it’s a great read.

Love,

Tara

 

 

A Gift for You

With Mother’s Day around the corner, I wanted to share again our Mother’s Day collection of art and writing. This holiday brings up such a range of feelings for all of us. This collection speaks to that range — stories of growth, acceptance, loss, and joy.

It is not just a collection for mothers but for mothers, fathers, daughters and sons because of course, all of us have a relationship to this topic.

What is in this collection doesn’t fit into a blog post or an Instagram feed or any of the other short form ways we click and scroll these days. This is more of a read to sit down with and savor, or come back to again and again. But to give you a taste, here are a few of the stunning and provocative words from this collection:

I remember that my children are looking to me to learn what life should feel like.

– Wokie Nwabueze

There’s a unique challenge to mothers these days: to listen to what extent that her genius’s soul is called in to the home and to what extent her genius’s spirit is called out to the world. How to make room for both?

– Jeffrey Davis

Know that your children’s lives belong to them. Just because their bodies are small and dependent, doesn’t mean their souls are too.

– Hiro Boga

No matter where I am, my spirit is back at the church where I grew up so that I can once again sing to my mother, present her a rose, and again promise her that I will be better, that I will be everything she wishes for me.

– Felipe Hinojosa

Click here to download the full Mother’s Day Collection.



Wishing you a nourishing weekend.

Love,

Tara

Playing Big: Last Day to Register!

Today is the last day to register for Playing Big!

For some women in the program, playing bigger means speaking up more inside their current company or organization. For others, it’s launching a business, or getting much bigger and more exciting results with the business they’ve already started. For others, it has to do with making a career change.

Why does the program work for all of these women? Because they are learning the same fundamental skills and information that enable all women to play much, much bigger.

If Playing Big is calling to you, I hope you’ll join us!

Visit here to review all the details about the program and get your spot. Registration closes today at 6 pm Eastern.

Here’s what a few Playing Big graduates have to say:

“You all have seen and read the transitions in my life since I joined the program. Multiple people (my parents included) have said they’ve never seen me this happy and self assured in my life. Tara can’t guarantee huge improvements in your life, but I will. Magical people, magical.” – Marcia Sheehan, Playing Big graduate, retail entrepreneur

 

“I have gained so much more out of Playing Big than I ever expected. I came in hoping that Playing Big would help me tap into my calling and provide some tools to pursue it. I did not expect the transformational power of this series. Tara’s tools and exercises get at the heart of playing bigger in a way that is sustainable and that I can keep going back to. I own my voice more confidently, I’ve accessed the wisest part of myself, and I’m showing up more authentically throughout my life. I strongly recommend this course to all of my friends.” – Betty Chen, Playing Big graduate, Director of Family Engagement at Summit Public Schools

 

“I started Playing Big at the same time I moved into a corporate senior management role — a huge leap from the isolated desk research role that I had been in. I turn to the lessons when I find a new struggle that I can’t resolve and the content leads me to look at situations in new ways, opening new solutions and opportunities. Playing Big has increased my confidence and effectiveness, while lowering my stress and worry. Perfectly delivered to help me grow into the leader that I have been asked to be.” – Yvonne Juarez, Playing Big graduate

 

I can’t wait to support you on your journey to playing bigger!

Love,

Tara

The Mother’s Day Collection

A few weeks ago, a “creative-idea-birdie” landed on my shoulder – one of those ideas that seemed to arrive out of the blue, suddenly but definitively – saying, “Tara, do this.”

The idea that came to perch was to create a collection of writings for Mother’s Day, something that would take us beyond brunches and tulip bouquets, to the richness and complexity and fierceness that the topic of mothering deserves.

What happened from there has been remarkable.

The collection of writings and art I am going to share with you today is stunning. I have never read or seen anything like it.

Each of the contributors – authors, spiritual teachers, artists, business leaders and more – brought heart, honesty and vulnerability to what they wrote.

Some of them you may know from their widely recognized work, but most are incredible voices that you will likely discover here for the first time.

This is not just a collection for mothers. It is a collection written by sons, daughters, mothers, and fathers. It is for anyone who wants to peer more deeply into this fundamental aspect of our humanity – our relationship to “mother.” Because we all came from one. Because our relationship to mother, whatever form it did or didn’t take – has shaped our lives. Because our spiritual life and relationship to the earth is also bound up with Mother, our collective one.

I’ll say it again, I have been so enriched by these writings. They have made me think in new ways about being a mother and about being a daughter. I hope you will take the time to read them.

Download your copy HERE, drink it up, and share it with the mothers and daughters and fathers and sons you love this Mother’s Day.

Love,

Tara

Bringing Curiosity to Fear

You can listen to this post in audio, too. Click the player to download an mp3 file, or you can read below …

Last week we started to exercise our curiosity muscles.

This week, we are going to apply curiosity to fear.

In the Playing Big course, we discuss more than a dozen different tools we can use to move out of fear. But this is one of my personal favorites.

Fear and curiosity can’t coexist. We simply can’t feel both at the same time.

When we say we are both curious and afraid about something – a new job, for example – what we are really saying is we alternate between moments of feeling curious and moments of feeling afraid. In any given moment, our physiology can only be in one mode – fear or curiosity.

This means that when we move into a state of curiosity, we automatically move out of a state of fear. And since fear is uncomfortable, and tends to lead us away from sound thinking and positive, loving action – it’s a very good idea to move out of fear.

So here’s the practice for this week: When you are feeling afraid about something, ask yourself, “What about this situation can I get curious about?”

Because fear often comes up in situations of uncertainty, there is often an unknown outcome around the thing we’re feeling afraid about.

Can you get curious about what that outcome will be? Wondering, fascinated?

Can you get interested in what this situation will reveal to you about life, about yourself, about the nature of things?

Let me know how it goes. Join our private Weekly Practice Facebook group to share your experience and read others’ accounts. I’ll see you over there!

And, don’t forget – registration for the 2017 Playing Big Program is now open! Read about the impact the course has had on participants and learn about program details here. Registration closes on Thursday, May 11th – we’d love to have you join us!

Love,

Tara

 

 

Can You Picture It?

Sometimes women find it hard to envision how an experience like the Playing Big course actually happens, day to day – especially if you haven’t been part of an online course before. So today, I’d like to share how the course works.

I designed the Playing Big program with these guiding principles in mind:

 

Community

When I was taking major steps toward my own playing bigger, it really helped me to be connected to other women who were also on that path – of discovering or following their callings, of speaking up more. I realized that, dear as my friends and family were to me, I needed a slightly different community than what I already had. I designed playing big as a group program because I see again and again that women start playing bigger with the greatest ease, speed and momentum when they are connected to other women on parallel journeys.

Practical & Experiential

This program is practical and the curriculum keeps you regularly applying the new concepts and tools. I designed this as a longer experience so that you’d have time to implement what you learn. For example, you won’t just learn information about how you can communicate more powerfully. You’ll get structured guidance from me for day-to-day practices for developing new communication habits over the week that we are diving into that topic. That’s how change really happens – supported, repeated, small but meaningful actions.

Flexible

Playing Big is flexible so you can fit it into your busy schedule, whether that means listening on a commute or doing a quick practice while waiting in the school parking lot. Though there is a logical order to the modules, if you need to skip a module during a busy time, you can absolutely jump in with us in the next module and return to what you missed much later when you have time.

 

Only the most powerful and effective tools

I’ve spent so much time working with women around their playing bigger. Over the years, I’ve seen what doesn’t really work, what only works for some women, or what usually gets so-so results. Everything in the Playing Big program is there because it consistently brings about remarkable results for diverse women. You are getting the most powerful and effective material only.

With that context, here are the nuts and bolts of how the program works:

   •  We have a lovely course website for participants only and an online discussion forum for sharing successes, learnings, and fostering connection.

   •  Every week, we start a new module on a rich topic like “Discovering Your Inner Mentor,” “Unhooking from Praise and Criticism” or “Getting Wise About Fear.”

   •  Each week, we have a 90-minute session together with teaching from me, Q&A, and exercises that get you living the learning right away. You can attend our video calls LIVE, or you can watch or listen to a recording.

   •  Participate in our sessions via phone, tablet or computer from anywhere.

   •  In addition to the calls, you’ll get video/audio lessons, readings, worksheets, inspiration artwork, and more.

I love what program graduate Jodi had to say about how it all fits together…

“This Playing Big thing is amazing! … and unsettling, too. Here’s the thing, I listen to the calls, do the handouts, and listen to the recordings (many times!) — I think I’m getting it, I feel like I’m getting it. So I go about my day. And then I have a moment in my day when I *know* I’m getting it. And I realize that I am that girl that I have been trying to be. I am leaning into the better part of myself. O. M. G.” ~ Jodi Riddick, Playing Big Alumna

Registration is open now through next Thursday (May 11th)! You can get all the details and sign up here.

Warmly,

Tara

Your Baby Body

 

I am lying in bed with my baby. She’s just woken up and finished eating. This is the time of day when she is most bright-eyed – everything about her is awake, clear, ready to play.

I coo, she coos.

I say “aaaaaah” and she says it back.

I smile and she smiles. I laugh and she laughs.

As I stare into her eyes and look at her, I wonder what it’s like for her to look at me. Of course, I’ve read the child development books that tell me now her vision is 20/40, that she can see subtle contrasts in color, that she can see me when I am farther away. But what is it like for her – what is she experiencing – at a time before words, before conscious concepts, before beliefs?

As I look at her, the phrase “baby body” occurs to me. She is a baby body moving through the world, soft and small and sensing – all feeling.

When I coo in a spirit of delight, her whole body feels it and is lit up with that delight. When I talk to my husband in an even slightly stressed tone of voice, her baby body feels it and she immediately begins to cry. If I read a great novel on my phone while she’s falling asleep nearby, no problem. But if I check my email, her baby body feels it and she comes right out of her hazy doze.

She experiences life not just in this baby body, but through this baby body – sounds and images and the very quality of the space she’s in, shaping what she feels.

And at that moment something says in my head: Tara, inside of you, there is also a baby body. My own baby body is still there, like a Russian doll nested inside the bigger, tougher, worldlier bodies that have been layered around it over a lifetime.

That baby body is still inside of me, sensing her way through the world, absorbing a trillion pieces of data – sounds and images and facial expressions and the feeling in the space – that make my body-mind-heart system tense up or relax, open or close, stay or flee.

Yes, now, at almost 40, I have some tools that help me work with what my baby body senses.

But that is not what is interesting to me today. What is interesting is that the baby body is still alive within me and within you, always sensing, reading the cues, feeling her way through what is safe and what is not, and responding.

How many times have we neglected to return to the places, the conversations, the activities that make our baby bodies joyful, or relaxed, or at ease?

How many times have we pressured ourselves to return to the places, the conversations, the activities that make our baby body contract, constrict, sadden?

Our baby bodies deserve respect.

I don’t just want to remember my baby body.

I want to remember that inside of everyone else is also a baby body, as sensitive and ever-sensing as my baby’s own.

I want to be the kind of person that other people’s baby bodies relax around. I want to meet them as tenderly as I would a little one who just came here.

After all, we are all little ones who just came here.

Love,

Tara

P.S. Registration for the 2017 Playing Big Program is now open! Read about the impact the course has had on participants and learn about program details here. Registration closes on Thursday, May 11th – we’d love to have you join us!