Pembroke Sinclair's Blog, page 7

Still Looking for Me...

Life has been a struggle lately. It hasn’t been as bad as it was a year ago. I haven’t been fighting off panic attacks and losing a ton of weight to depression. But I have been incredibly overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted . That makes it challenging to do life the way it’s supposed to be done.

You may or may not have noticed that I’ve been away. I try to pop in when I can, but I’m really focusing on taking care of me right now. I have been doing a little bit of writing, so that’s been good. I enjoy being able to take the time to go into my fictional worlds and create things.

Other than that, I’ve just been taking things easy and resting when I can. I’ve also been doing a lot of soul searching and looking at my life. I’m thinking about making some changes, but I’m not really sure how to go about them.

While things change and I find my energy again, don’t forget that over the weekend I will be in Seattle for Crypticon . I’m really looking forward to that. It’s going to be a lot of fun! There’s nothing better than geeking out with others and talking horror. Maybe it will be just what I need to feel like myself again.

Trapped in a Fog

Photo by Pedro Figueras from Pexels
The past few weeks have been incredibly challenging. There’s been some changes and some issues with family members and their health, so worry and the unknown have dominated my thoughts. Last weekend, out of the blue, I had a panic attack while partaking in a fundraising event. It was the first time in a while that I’ve had one of those.

I haven’t been sleeping well, which has left me extremely exhausted. I jumped on the elliptical the other day because it was too cold to go for a walk, and it almost took me out. My legs were sore, I was panting, and sweat just dripped down me. Now, I realize that’s the goal of working out, but it took a lot less time for me to get to that point than it normally does.

Because I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve had no motivation to do much of anything. My house is a bit of a mess, I haven’t written like I’ve wanted to, and my reading has fallen by the wayside. In addition, I feel like I’m trapped in a fog. My brain feels fuzzy and thoughts are hard to complete. Frustration comes easily.

I’m aware that it may be a touch of depression, so I’ve been doing what I can to reduce it so that it doesn’t take over. Besides the change and concern about family members, I have come to some other revelations about my life. Things that I’m not sure what to do with quite yet, so I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and considering and weighing of options. That isn’t super easy when my brain is trapped in a fog.

Of course, it’s also possible that my brain is fuzzy because of the lack of sleep. My biggest concern at this point is taking care of me and getting rest where I can. If you don’t see me floating around as much as normal, that’s because I’m doing what needs to be done to take care of me.

Have no fear, I will be back when I’ve gotten my sh*t together.

Crypticon in Seattle

For those of you who read my blog, you know that last year was a challenging year for me. Anxiety and depression pretty much took over my life. I'm still working my way out of the funk, but things are definitely getting better.

Because I was so far into the rabbit hole, I didn't partake in promotion like I normally do. I only went to one convention last year. It was a lot of fun. It reminded me how much I miss doing those things.

This year, I decided I need to get back on the horse. Thus, I put in some proposals for other conventions around the country, and--so far--I have an appearance set at Crypticon in Seattle .


Friends, I can't tell you how excited I am! Not only do I really enjoy going to conventions and conferences, I love Seattle. It's such an amazing city! I can't wait to get back and enjoy.

If you're wondering, I will be doing a workshop, presentation, and be on a couple panels. The links to the information is below. If anyone will be at Crypticon, I would love for you to come say hello!

Surviving Zombies (workshop)

Undead Obsessed (presentation)

Bad Seeds: Introducing Your Children to Horror (panel)

Slasher Films: A Debate on the Problematic Nature of Our Favorite Sub-genre (panel)

The Different Manifestations of Anxiety

Photo by Juan Pablo Arenas from Pexels
Anxiety doesn’t always manifest as extreme worry and/or fear—although it certain can. It comes in many different forms. Sometimes, those forms could include chronic pain, headaches, irritability, or shutting down.

For me, I’ve noticed that in addition to having excessive worry and fear, I will be incredibly quick to anger. In most cases, this will be directed at anyone who happens to be in my path. Family, friends, strangers—it doesn’t matter. If I’m having an attack, I will attack.

The toughest part about anxiety in these forms is I don’t often realize I’m anxious until later, sometimes days down the road. Since anxiety and stress can be so closely tied together, I will often be stressed and angry and anxious. This, in turn, leads to insomnia, so I will be stressed, angry, anxious, and super tired. Sometimes, when I’m super tired, I also get extremely emotional . I’m sure you can imagine how super fun I am to be around during these times.

One of the hardest things about having anxiety show up in one of these other forms is recognizing that it’s anxiety. After all, stress can cause a person to be angry. Being tired can lead to irritability. Stress can also lead to sleeplessness, and not getting enough rest can make a person hurt, both physically and emotionally.

So how do you know it’s anxiety and not one of these other ailments?

More than likely, you’ll have to look at the underlying cause of why you feel the way you feel. That’s how I know if my issues are tied to anxiety or other causes. That’s often why it takes me a few days to figure out that my emotional outbursts were actually anxiety.

I’m doing my best to get in tune and understand me as a person and my emotions. Even then, I still have moments of anger, stress, anxiety, and all of the other emotions in between. I’m learning that that’s okay. I’m still human, so I experience the range of feelings.

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash
When it comes to my anxiety and how it manifests, that’s still a learning process. I’m still figuring out my triggers , too. All of this is incredibly important to help me cope and manage the variety of ways that anxiety can manifest.

In addition to anger, worry, and fear, sometimes my anxiety will shut me down. I’ll feel incredibly overwhelmed and I can’t deal with it, so I don’t. I get super tired, my mind goes “Nope,” and I sit and veg in front of the TV. This probably can also be tied to depression, but don’t forget that anxiety and depression often go hand in hand .

No matter how my anxiety manifests, I’ve learned that sometimes I just have to go with it. I know that to understand exactly what’s bothering me, I ride the wave. If that means I have to be angry, then I take some time to be angry. If I need to shut down, then I shut down.

At some point, all of these moments will fade and I’ll be able to look back with clarity at what was going on. It may take a few days or weeks or years, but looking back and learning from the experience is incredibly beneficial. Sometimes, I’ll reach out to a friend or family member and talk to them about what’s happening. Having an outside perspective can be so helpful.

When it comes to anxiety, there’s no one-size-fits-all way it manifests or impacts a person. That can make it challenging to recognize exactly what’s going on. By looking deeper and remembering my strengths, I can overcome any obstacle that gets in my way. I know you can too.

Won't You Join Me for an Online Conference?

I have the opportunity to be part of an online conference at the end of the month. I will be talking about what to do if all the agents in your genre reject your work. I've included a video snippet below. After that is some more info about the event. I hope you'll join me!

Publishing can be overwhelming. You are being told to use traditional publishing. You are being told to go with self publishing. Others say hybrid is the way to go. Feeling confused? No need to be! The Self Publishing University is hosting a one day online conference geared towards helping you to find the answers you seek and get rid of that confusion and overwhelm. Some of you are so stuck where you are; maybe because too much information is coming from so many sources or you may have chosen a path, if you’re a published author and it’s not working for you.

We are going back to basics. Reverse engineering it is called. Starting from the foundation up, so everything we lay on top of that will be able o flow easily, in comfort and without stress and we know or have a better idea what the expected results should be.

It’s still early in the year and changes can be made. Why keep doing the same thing and expect different results?! That’s called madness! And while it’s good to be crazy, when it comes to the blood, sweat and tears and don’t forget the financial investment and love we put into writing and telling our story, we really need to grab hold of the crazy spells and get focused on our goals and legacy.

So let’s do this! The good thing is if you register now, you get in for free for one day only with an access code that will be provided to you once you click this link - https://tspucon2019.eventnut.com/ (or use your payhip aff link for free access here, if you registered as an affiliate)

Tell a friend, Hell....tell all who you want, the more the merrier!

Looking forward to seeing you!

Waiting for My Self

Source: pixabay.com
One of the most challenging things I deal with with my anxiety and depression is finding my self.

Both anxiety and depression are really good at making me question who I am. After any type of social interaction, I will replay the entire scenario through my mind, trying to figure out if I said anything offensive, stupid, or condescending. I’ll wonder what the other person (people) think of me. I’ll question if there were things I could have done or said differently.

This can go on for days. It doesn’t just apply to recent events, either. Things I did years ago are fair game to scrutiny. Things that haven’t happened yet will be challenged with “what ifs,” and I’ll wonder if I should even participate in whatever event I’m supposed to participate in.

These moments are so tough because they make me question my abilities and my worthiness. Impostor syndrome absolutely plays a role in these musings, and I question my ability to talk with authority on any subject. This spirals down into me feeling like I have nothing valuable to say, so I should just say nothing.

Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels
To complicate matters even further, I often put myself in positions where I’m required and expected to talk to other people. I do workshops and presentations based on my books. I teach a class at the community college about writing and research. I do online radio shows and conferences.

If you’re asking yourself why I put myself through that and then have to deal with the fallout, the answer is complicated.

I’m still human and a social creature. I enjoy being around others. I enjoy geeking out, talking to, and connecting with others through topics I’m passionate about. I enjoy sharing knowledge.

The degree to which I experience the fallout after these events will depend on various things. Some days, I can get through an entire interaction with barely a second thought. Other days, I’m obsessed with thinking about how things went down.

I often feel like if I had more confidence in myself and my abilities that this wouldn’t be as big of a deal as it is. I think that if I had a better sense of who I am, of my true self , I wouldn’t ruminate on social interactions as much.

I’m trying to work through this and figure out who I am. It’s not an easy path to take, but it’s an important one. I have no definitive answers yet, but I’m going to keep working. In time, maybe I’ll discover a way to feel better about myself and not worry so much about how others perceive me. Then again, may I won’t.

My hope and goal are that by the end of the journey, I’ll have a better understanding about who I am—even if that means I’m an anxious, depressed person who will always be worried about how the world views me.

I Still Have Plenty of Life Left

Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash
Last summer, I turned 40. I didn’t handle the transition well. There was a lot of stress and anxiety. For a short time, I truly believed my life was over.

I’ve never been one to care too much about my age. I looked forward to the big ones:

Getting my license at 16Being an official adult at 18Being able to legally drink at 21Being an adult-adult at 30
After turning 35, I felt it was suitable and appropriate to tell people when they asked my age that I was pushing 40. I honestly wasn’t bothered by a number.

Then, the year of emotional distress and overwhelming anxiety hit. Depression convinced me I was worthless and a failure. I was going to be 40 and what did I have to show for it?

My job didn’t pay enough.I didn’t have insurance.I had no friends.My family was at least 7 hours away.I couldn’t write.
Yeah, it was a pretty bleak time. I spent my 40th birthday thinking I was going to die and that would be a fitting end to a craptastic life.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I was watching Mobster on Reelz because why wouldn’t I be? The episode focused on “Mad Sam” DeStefano . He’d spend his life participating in crime, but his real ambition was to be part of the mob. He didn’t realize his dream until he turned 40.

Side note: as I was looking up the link for the episode to put into the blog, I noticed that the first time this episode aired was on my birthday 7 years ago. How crazy is that?

Jokingly, I turned to my spouse and said, “Hey, if this new sales job doesn’t work out for you, you could still have a lucrative career as a mob hit man.”

After I said that, something clicked in my brain.

No, I did not think that I had a lucrative future as a mob hit man.

But it did occur to me that if that guy could follow his passion and keep working and trying throughout his life and finally see a payoff/recognition at 40, why couldn’t I?

Being 40 isn’t that old. Instead of focusing on the things I hadn’t accomplished by 40, I needed to focus on the things I could accomplish after 40.

Mad Sam continued to murder people well into his 60s. I don’t condone his actions or view him as a role model, but it’s hard to deny that after 40 he became a huge success in his chosen field.

I still have a lot of life ahead of me, and I’m excited to see what I can accomplish. I’m going to work hard to fulfill my dreams and be the best I can be.

40 isn’t the end. It’s the beginning of a new chapter.

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Anxiety and Physical Symptoms

 Photo by Stefano Pollio on Unsplash
In my pursuit to understand and overcome my anxiety, I’ve learned a lot. This issue that impacts millions of people worldwide goes way beyond uncontrollable and random worry and fear. It can affect all systems throughout the body, including how I experience pain.

For those who suffer from anxiety, you know all too well the stomachaches, nausea, and headaches that come with the worry and fear. You’ve probably also experienced rapid heartbeats, sweating, dizziness, and muscle shakes. But did you know that chronic pain could also be a symptom of anxiety?

Now, when it comes to chronic pain, it can be a chicken and egg type of argument. Fear of being in agony can absolutely cause anxiety, but anxiety can also cause pain. This is often referred to as psychosomatic pain .

It took me along time to discover this connection between my anxiety and chronic pain , and I actually stumbled upon it during one of my thinking sessions.

Side note: I spend a lot of time in my mind. It’s part of my personality and how I make sense of the world.

During this session, I was contemplating my back pain. When I was in junior high, I was practicing dives off the side of the pool, and I scorpioned myself. Since then, I’ve had issues. Fast forward to today, and I’ve been diagnosed with arthritis in both my SI joints, arthritis in three sets of facet joints, a herniated disc, and slight scoliosis.

I’ve had cortisone shots in my back on two occasions and done countless hours of physical therapy.

Long story short, my back is f*cked up.

But since moving to Nebraska, I haven’t experienced as much discomfort. Don’t get me wrong: I still have pain. I know when a storm is blowing in. I know when I’ve sat for too long. I know when I’ve slept wrong. But I don’t have a pressing need to get shots to relieve my pain or go to PT.

However, other issues and pains have cropped up in its place. I tore my calf muscle , which is incredibly painful, but before it was diagnosed as a tear, my brain convinced me that I had messed up my ACL or MCL or had developed a blood clot. I went to PT to relieve some of the discomfort. Long after the muscle was healed, my leg continued to ache.

I developed pain in the ball of my foot. After writing an article for my day job, I was convinced I had nerve damage in my foot —that I got pushing in the clutch on my Jeep. It would get so bad that I could barely walk. I had a doctor’s appointment but cancelled because life got in the way (we ended up traveling for the holidays, so I wouldn’t be able to make the appointment; I planned on rescheduling but never did).

It was after this that I started tracking my pain. What I found was that it would wax and wane as my anxiety increased or decreased. When I started diving deeper into the causes of my anxiety, it became apparent that each pain was a physical manifestation of an emotional discord.

Depending on what was bothering me or what issue was forefront in my mind, a pain somewhere in my body would accompany it. Headaches have always been common, but there can also be issues elsewhere. Right now, I’m experiencing pains in my ear. (Well, not right now, right now, but currently.)

Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels 
The mind is such an amazing thing. It can take a thought or emotion and create a physical sensation. It can take a negative aspect like anxiety, which can be incredibly debilitating, and make it even worse. As if the mental anguish wasn’t enough, it then physically finds a way to hold you down.

At first, this discovery was difficult for me to deal with. I could barely handle the mental and emotional side of anxiety; the physical impact was going to take me out.

But then, I found strength in the epiphany. I realized that if I continued down the path I was on, I was going to be taken down. I was going to lose myself to every aspect of pain—both physical and emotional.

Sitting down and scrutinizing my thoughts and my pain has helped me work through my anxiety and depression. Getting to the root cause isn’t pleasant. It can be incredibly tough to face these issues, to realize the depths of the things that bother you and impact you. But it’s also freeing. Once you get to the root, you can work through the issue. You can find the strength to forgive and let go. You can finally move on and get rid of the pain.

Understand that I’m not saying anxiety is the only cause of my pain. I’ve suffered injuries that are painful and have long-lasting implications. What I’m saying is that my mind has the ability to take existing pain and make it worlds worse. But it doesn’t have to be in control.

If you suffer from anxiety and chronic pain, I encourage you to look deeper into the cause. It will be dark; it will be scary. But it may also be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

Dabbling in Poetry

For the month of February, I have the honor and privilege of co-teaching a writing workshop with another adjunct through the Central Community College community outreach program.

The first 2 weeks focused on poetry (taught by Scott), and the next 2 weeks will be fiction and nonfiction (taught by me).

Poetry isn’t really my thing, but since the other instructor asked the participants to write some for class, I thought I would give it a try. I would like to share my poems with you.

For this first poem, we were tasked with using specific words in the poem. The words were: cows, tricycle, table, thimble, and drum. Here’s my poem.

Visions of Me

Let the world view me as it may.

Let it see me as a cow,
bloated,
mindless,
concerned with only feeding my desires.

Let it see me as a beaver,
industrious,
busy,
constructing walls to contain and protect myself.

Or let it see me as a circus bear,
dressed in bright colors,
riding a tricycle,
doing what I can to entertain.

I will take the world’s views of me and store them in a thimble,
left on a table in a back room,
taking them out to read when I lose my vision of myself.

Until then,
let me view myself as I may and continue moving forward,
marching to the beat of my own drum.


This next poem is a sensory poem.

A New Space

I stood at the window,
Looking out,
Waiting for the world to feel familiar.

The blues, greens, oranges, and yellows that normally colored the world had faded to various grays and white.

The scents of wildflowers and freshly mowed grass was replaced with the tang of a campfire long since extinguished.

The sun that used to warm my shoulders was covered by clouds.

The breeze that moved heat across the land was now a chill that formed goosebumps on exposed flesh.

There was a sameness to the shape of the land,
How the parts put themselves together,
But there was a difference in the feel.

The world seemed less inviting,
Blanketed with coldness and cruelty.

It appeared sad and lonely,
Hurtful and scary,
Rather than enlightened and safe.

I stood at the window,
Looking out,
Waiting for the world to feel familiar.

It’s Okay to Feel

Photo from Pixabay
We humans are such complicated creatures. We have been gifted with two traits that allow us to rise above the other animals: our intelligence and our emotions.

Our intelligence has allowed us to mold, shape, and develop the world into a place that works for us and gives us the best opportunity for survival. For the most part, we are not at the mercy of the elements, and we don’t have to struggle day after day to find food or shelter. We even have technological luxuries that keep us entertained and developed advancements to prolong our lives.

With all of our advancements and our gift of superior knowledge, our emotions keep things balanced. They knock us off our pedestal and remind us that despite our knowledge and refinements, we’re still figuring life out.

The vast majority of humans strive for happiness. They want to feel good and smile and know they are secure. There’s nothing wrong with wanting happiness, but it’s a misguided notion . Complete happiness is also impossible to attain.

No matter how hard we try, we cannot escape the other emotions. Anger, sadness, jealousy, and everything in between are part of who we are as humans. Like happiness, there’s nothing wrong with these emotions, but the vast majority of us try to ignore this side of ourselves and deny that we feel what we feel.

In a lot of cases, this becomes incredibly evident when tragedy strikes. We may allow ourselves some time of tears and sadness , but often, before we are ready, we tell ourselves it’s time to move on. We convince ourselves that we have to be strong for others. We shove the negative emotions down deep and tell ourselves and others that we are okay.

This does not make the emotions go away.

Pretending everything is all right doesn’t take us one step closer to happiness or coping.

If we don’t deal with our emotions when they arise, they will manifest in another form .

Oftentimes, we aren’t even aware of this new manifestation of emotions. We may feel isolated —like no one else can possibly understand what we’re going through—and we tell others that we are fine. Yet, we then lash out unnecessarily and uncontrollably. We tell ourselves that it was the other person’s fault because we are coping just fine. They are the problem, not us.

 Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash
These actions become self-fulfilling prophecies. By mindlessly and needlessly lashing out at others, we do end up pushing them away and becoming isolated. This, of course, leads to more negative emotions and believing that something is wrong with the world.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. It’s a good life goal to have. But it’s also important to realize that with the light, there has to be the dark. We can’t appreciate one without the other.

We also have to realize that if we feel anything less than happiness, that’s okay. We haven’t failed at life if we are sad or angry. We are human.

When we deny our emotions, we let fear and worry take over our lives. More often than not, we don’t realize this has happened until we wake up one morning and feel different. It is at this moment that we take the time to look back at events and realize we weren’t handling things the way we thought we were.

In some cases, we may have caused a lot of damage—said mean and hurtful things to the people who were trying to help—and it may be impossible to undo those actions.

We humans have been given some amazing gifts, but we don’t always know what to do with them. There is no shame in having emotions, including negative ones, and it doesn’t make us weak to experience them. I repeat: having emotions DOES NOT make us weak. It makes us human.

No one is perfect, and no one is above their emotions. Instead of trying to conquer them, let them be part of who you are—they are anyway. Instead of looking for happiness, strive to be content . It acknowledges that life is full of ups and downs and gives us the ability to accept the good and the bad.

Don’t deny your emotions . Acknowledge them. Let them be heard. Let them run their course. Nothing lasts forever. Not happiness, not anger, not grief, not anxiety. I know it feels like you are losing control through this act, but you’re not. You’re actually gaining a better understanding of yourself and developing strength.

Photo from Pixabay