Pembroke Sinclair's Blog

Who Ever Said Life Was Fair?

Near the end of January, I received some news that rocked me to the core. While the words were expected, hearing them out loud had a profound impact.

My faith in humanity was shattered.

The world felt a little less safe.

Justice seemed to slip from my hands.

I reached out to others in the hopes of finding support or sympathy or some words of encouragement. Maybe a little of all three.

I got nothing.

The heartache and devastation took a toll. Numb, I withdrew into myself. It became apparent there was no one I could rely on, so I shut down.

I had no energy to do anything beyond the necessary tasks to get me back to bed at night.

The Ripple Effect
It’s been 4 months since that devastating day, but the wound still feels fresh. I’ve come to realize how much time and effort I’ve put into maintaining certain aspects of my life, particularly when it comes to connections and relationships, and without that effort, things fall away.

And it appears that others are fine with letting that happen.

I did what I could to embrace radical acceptance . I tried to tell myself that even if I wasn’t getting what I wanted/needed/expected from others, whatever they were giving me was what they were capable of — and I should be grateful.

Yet, there were a lot of things I couldn’t come to terms with.

I accepted that maybe the people in my life couldn’t be there for me the way I needed. Fine. That’s who they are, and I can’t change that. But I wasn’t going to settle for crumbs or being the one who had to constantly reach out for acknowledgement and assistance.

I didn’t have the energy — and I still don’t.

If you recall my blog about what you deserve versus what you get, this event is where the line of questioning came from.

Accepting People for Who They Are
Sometimes, it’s a hard pill to swallow to find out that the people you rely on the most can’t be there for you. That they may be emotionally distant or have their own issues to deal with. It’s even more debilitating to think of how many times I’ve gone out of my way to make sure others felt loved and validated despite what I was going through.

But maybe that’s just the people pleaser in me.

Accepting people for who they are means recognizing that more often than not, I may have to be the one who reaches out first. Or that the conversations we have are surface-level (potentially about the weather), or even that they may only pop into my life when they want something from me.

But here’s the thing: while I can accept these things about the people in my life, that doesn’t mean I have to put up with them.

I don’t have to expend my energy or give up my time to maintain the connection. I can expect more, knowing that I won’t get it, and move on. I can find ways to take care of myself or look for others who provide me with what I need.

The Dynamic Changes
Knowing that I have a say in what and who I let into my life is both devastating and freeing. On one hand, it means letting go of people and situations that no longer serve me. This is especially hard if there’s a history with a particular person.

There’s always hope deep down that things will change; that if I continue to stay in contact or be there when needed, the other person will see my dedication and realize they need to provide me with the same.

But this only hurts me. It keeps me trapped in situations that continuously leave me frustrated and stressed.

The alternatives include breaking or altering the connection. That’s not easy either. And knowing which one is the best option requires trial and error — and a lot of heartache.

But at the end of the day, healing is a journey taken alone.

Only I know what’s best for me.

While I can tell others what I want and need from them, I can’t make them provide it. I don’t always approach these situations in the best manner; my trauma and hurt usually have me make knee-jerk reactions where I cut all contact and shut down, maybe even lash out in frustration and anger.

But I’m human. I’m prone to mistakes. Other humans should be able to recognize that and respond accordingly.

Of course, what I think that response should be might differ from what it really is. Only I can decide if I’m okay with that or if I must move on.

Life will never be fair, justice will rarely be served, and not everyone I meet will provide me with what I need. But that doesn’t mean I have to be weighed down. I hold the key to my contentment. I have to decide what’s best for me.

That might mean severing ties and closing myself off.

Why We Talk About the Weather

Several weeks ago, I went off on a tangent about how boring it is to talk about the weather .

Then, recently, I heard a podcast from Lore that talked about the exact same subject. Turns out there’s a reason why we constantly talk about the weather.

Our survival depends on it.

Now, you might think that I’m being melodramatic by saying that, but it’s the truth. The weather is necessary to grow our crops. Extremes on one end of the spectrum or the other could result in destruction, which means we have no food.

The same droughts and floods that have a negative impact on our food supply can also kill us. As can ice storms, heat waves, hurricanes, tornadoes, lightning, and hail.

And you know what makes all of these matters so much worse? We can’t control the weather.

Oh, but we try — because look at the ego on those humans!

Our Attempts to Control the Weather
There is evidence throughout the existence of humankind about our desire to control the weather. We’ve created gods that we offered sacrifices to in the hopes of crops that produced good yields. We’ve developed rain dances for when things get too dry, and more recently, we’ve attempted to seed clouds to produce more snow or rain (mainly for entertainment purposes such as skiing, but it could also be used to help crops grow, too).

If you’ve even been in a situation where you’ve commented on the weather, perhaps said something like, “Isn’t it so nice that the wind hasn’t been blowing lately?” and then followed it up with, “Oh, I shouldn’t have said that. The wind is surely going to kick up now,” you’ve participated in the act of thinking you have control over the weather.

Should the wind happen to kick up after that, you more than likely convinced yourself that it was all because of you.

And you should feel soooo guilty about that!

JK. Do you really think the universe is listening and kicking up the wind to spite you? That’s like believing the government is listening to your conversations because they think you have something interesting to say.

Despite the fact that we have no more impact on the weather than a butterfly in Tanzania , we still believe that we do, and we structure our lives accordingly.

It makes sense, especially since our lives depend on it. But with a few exceptions (*cough* hole in the ozone, *cough* *cough* global warming), we can’t actually influence weather patterns.

A Belief Embedded in Our Cultural Memory
In this day and age, with our advancements in technology and our ability to look at a 10-day forecast on our phones, we’d like to think that we aren’t as afraid of the weather as our ancestors used to be. After all, we have better buildings for shelter, and we know how to build dams and levees to protect ourselves from rising waters.

If you could see me, you would notice that I’m raising my eyebrows and giving you a “Really?” look. Because there have been how many instances of weather killing people even within the past few months?

We are still impacted by the weather. We aren’t any closer than our ancestors in being able to figure it out — despite our technology. I mean, c’mon! How many times is the weather person actually right when it comes to predicting the weather?

And that leads to more stress and fear about the weather. It’s a belief that has been and will continue to be embedded in our cultural memory — at least until we can figure out how to colonize other planets and create domes with artificial climates.

Or at least until Earth is so destroyed we have to develop those domes down here.

I think you get my point.

I Stand by What I Said
I have to say, the Lore podcast was incredibly fascinating, and it went into depth about how us humans have been so focused on our ability to control the weather that it even impacted how we buried our dead.

We may not still believe a lot of those things now, but we still have a primal and innate fear of the weather — and we should. It can and does kill us.

Even with all of this new information, I still stand by my blog post that I think it’s boring to talk about the weather.

Now, talking about why we talk about the weather, that’s a conversation I’d be interested in having.

The Need to be Seen

If there is one desire that drives the vast majority of humans, it’s the need to be seen; to know that someone acknowledges and validates their existence. The need to be seen can run so deep, people will do just about anything to ensure someone glances their way.

Our species has an innate need to connect. Way back in the day, our survival depended on our ability to work together. We still have that hardwired into our brain, even though our survival doesn’t necessarily require cooperation in the same way. Still, it can be a source of discomfort and anxiety if someone doesn’t get seen the way they think they need to.

In addition to our primitive brains, another reason why so many are preoccupied with being seen is because it’s too easy to become invisible.

A World of People
Think about it: there are more than 8 billion people on this planet . Can you even fathom how many that is? If you’ve ever been in a classroom with 25 students, that can feel like a lot. If you’ve been to a stadium for a concert or sporting event with 1,000s of people, you are aware of how easy it is to get lost in the crowd.

When you start to factor in billions of people, you really start to understand how insignificant you truly are.

If you’re like most people, the thought of being invisible is distressing.

However, you might also think that if you have a few close friends or your family is really tight, then that’s all you need. But you are an exception to the rule. Most people want more than the small circle of people around them noticing what they’re up to.

Why do you think social media sites are so popular? It’s because they allow individuals to reach beyond their small section of the world and target a larger audience. They get to be seen by people around the globe, and that gives them validation and meaning.

Is it the best way to get the attention you’re looking for? Of course not. Being online also exposes you to negative comments as well as positive ones (but any publicity is good publicity, right?). Keep in mind that all of those people that are commenting on videos and posts and whatever, they’re looking to be seen as well. They don’t want to fade into obscurity either.

It’s No Fun to Fade Away
I am one of those who wanted and needed validation from outside sources.

As an author, I wanted to be able to connect to people through stories. I wanted them to tell me that I was amazing and wonderful and that my words changed their lives.

But I wanted more than that.

I also wanted them to be curious about me and become my friends. I needed to know that I could provide something of value to others, and that they could the same for me.

I did what I could to put myself out in the world.
Blogs Frequent posts on various social media sites Was a guest on podcasts and radio shows Went to conventions and conferences Paid for advertising Created workshops and presentations for libraries and schools Had contests and looked for beta readers Turned my books into audiobooks And so much more I look back now and think about all the things I did to promote my work. It was a lot. I often wonder how I had the time.

I also think about how it wasn’t enough.

I never became a bestseller.

I never made my initial investment in myself back.

But I told myself it was okay because I was making connections. Time and perseverance would pay off and I would eventually reach my ultimate goals.

Then, life turned to shit and I no longer had the time, funds, or energy to promote myself. I couldn’t even find the motivation to put words on a page. I fell into a deep depression and had to focus on one day at a time, and even then, it was a challenge.

The thought of being online felt dangerous and scary, so I stayed as far away as possible.

This lasted for years.

I faded away.

If I thought my sales were bad when I was promoting my work, things only got worse when I stopped.

Knowing that I had become invisible was one of the most devastating realizations I’d had in a long time. It pushed me farther into the dark place and made it harder to want to face the world.

I became extremely angry. Then, I realized that beneath that anger, my feelings were hurt. All those connections that I had made — the ones that were so important to me — weren’t important to anyone else.

The World Keeps Turning
It goes without saying that the world is a busy place and that people have their own lives. People are also incredibly finicky and have short attention spans. This isn’t a bad thing; it is what it is. If they aren’t constantly bombarded with messages and images, people will forget what they see and hear.

Why do you think advertising is so annoying?

At the same time, advertising has also conditioned many of us to block things out. That’s why it has to constantly change and evolve: to grab attention once again.

It’s possible that some of my readers wondered what had happened to me and were sad that I wasn’t posting or creating work like I had in the past, but they also had their own lives to live. Let’s not forget that the world has also been turned on it’s head in the past decade, and that has had a huge impact on what people focus on.

I can’t expect people to stop their lives and wait for me to get mine together to provide them with stories and insights. Even when I was in my “prime,” I wasn’t making the impact I thought I was.

Life goes on. Mine and everyone else’s.

Lessons Learned
Of course, through it all, I have learned some lessons from what happened. It has taken me doing a deep dive into my life and emotions, and I didn’t always like what I found, but it has helped with my hurt and anger.

The first thing I had to ask myself was why I needed to be seen so bad. One of the answers to that was because the more readers I got, the more sales I would make, and that would lead to making money so that I could live a writer’s life.

That dream didn’t last long, and it soon became apparent that I was just another book on the shelf, and being found was incredibly difficult.

I then changed my thought process and decided that as long as people were reading and enjoying my stories, that was all that mattered to me.

But it wasn’t.

I needed a connection that I could never get.

I’m not going to go into the details about why I needed that connection so bad, but just know it has to do with emotional starvation . I had assumed that others would be able to fill the hole in my being.

It turns out, that’s not the case. And since others couldn’t meet my expectations, it left me disappointed and disillusioned.

I had to face some uncomfortable truths about myself and really figure out what it is that I wanted from the rest of the world.

Being Invisible Isn’t that Bad
One of the first things I discovered was that being invisible wasn’t that bad. It meant that there were less people in the world I needed to make happy, as well as less people who could disappoint and upset me. I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone, and I was free to live my life the way I wanted.

From that thought, I moved to the idea that my life doesn’t have to be big.

I don’t need the movie contract to prove I’ve made it. I don’t need to live like Stephen King and JK Rowling to know I’m a success. Would it be nice? Hell yeah! But I need to be realistic. What I desire and what I get often are two very different things.

I also realized that just because I don’t get the results I was hoping for (or that others had expected of me), that didn’t mean I had to give up on my dreams altogether.

It wasn’t a black and white type of scenario. There was gray in the middle that I could explore.

I also decided I wasn’t going to let others force me into obscurity. It was one thing to make myself invisible, it was something else to kowtow to another’s wishes to vanish entirely.

One of the things that has always made me content was creating stories. And I wasn’t going to let anyone take that away from me.

It took me a long time to get back into writing and enjoy the process. I started small, posting to my blog again, then slowly putting posts on my FB author page. Those posts are pretty infrequent, for a variety of different reasons.

For the works I’ve already published, I once again decided to transition them from Amazon to Wattpad — at least the electronic versions. For those books that have paperbacks, they’ll still be available on Amazon.

This is me not living big. This is me creating the stories I want to create and sharing them with others — but it’s not a big deal if no one reads them.

I had someone ask me one time which novel I was most proud of, and I couldn’t pick just one. I’m proud of all of them. Each one took me time and effort to create. There’s a piece of me in every story.

And no one can take that away from me.

They may not get read, and they may not make millions of dollars, but I accomplished something amazing. I put a lot of words on a page and crafted them into a coherent narrative.

If you want to read them, that makes me happy. If you don’t, that won’t stop me from creating. Like most people, I want to be seen, but it’s not a driving factor in my life like it used to be.

I see the things that I’ve accomplished, and I’m proud of what I’ve done.

I see me.

What You Deserve vs What You Get

If you ever find yourself going through the process of healing from narcissistic abuse, one of the things you’ll discover is that you will be asked to think about what you deserve.

The reason for this is because narcissists only give you the basics — and only when they want to — and they strip away your ability to ask for things because they don’t want to be inconvenienced or take the focus away from them.

Your wants and needs don’t matter. Only their lives have meaning, so they will only give you things if they know it will benefit them.

What are the basics ? What are the bare minimums you should expect when it comes to being in a relationship (any type of relationship) with someone?
Affection CompassionRespectConsiderationTimeInterestIntimacy (doesn’t have to refer to physical intimacy, it can be emotional and mental as well)GenerosityAt the beginning of a relationship with a toxic individual, you will get these things in spades. In fact, you’ll get so much of them, you’ll truly start to believe that the person is your soul mate and that they truly understand you.

As time goes on, these things get pulled away. It doesn’t happen all at once, so you may not notice at first, but eventually, you will notice. You may make comments like, “Why don’t we do XX like we used to?” “When are things going to slow down at work?” “Did I do something wrong? Why don’t you treat me the same as you used to?”

There will be moments when you are showered with the minimums again, and life will feel grand. But then, you’ll be thrown back into the wasteland where you are rejected and ignored. By that time, you’ll have learned not to say anything about it because you will get punished in some shape and form by bringing it up. You definitely don’t want to deal with that, so you learn to take the good moments when they come and do what you can to get through the others.

The Minimum Can’t Sustain You
As much as you convince yourself otherwise, only getting the minimum infrequently won’t sustain you. It also doesn’t make for a healthy relationship. If/when you decide you want/need something more and start looking for ways to heal, you will be told to think about what you deserve.

What do you deserve?

At first, you may not think it’s much. If you’ve been conditioned and brainwashed for long enough, you will have been convinced that you are the problem and that you deserve whatever it is you get — even if it happens to be incredibly poor treatment and punishments.

As you get away from the mental and emotional abuse (and potentially the physical abuse), you will discover that the other person lied to you. You’ll realize that you are much more valuable than they ever said (which, if you think about, is the reason they kept you around in the first place), and this will lead to thinking about what you want out of the next relationship.

If nothing else, you should have the eight items listed above on your list, but you can also add to it. You don’t have to limit yourself to just those things. You can add anything and everything you think you deserve. It’s your life; you need to find a way to get the connections and relationships that are going to be sustaining and supportive. You don’t need the life sucked out of you once again.

Getting What You Deserve
Making a list and thinking about what you deserve from a partner or connection is an incredibly important part of the healing process. Remember, this doesn’t only have to apply to romantic involvements. You should also think about what you want/need from family members, coworkers, and friends — any and all of these can be toxic as well. A list can help so that you don’t ignore red flags and advocate for yourself in the future.

I put my own list together. However, one thing that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is whether or not I can actually get what I deserve.

My biggest wonder is if there are people out there who have the qualities that I’m looking for.

There has to be, right? There has to be others that are filled with empathy and kindness, but I seem to be having issues knowing where to find them.

Maybe they exist on dating apps, but how long do I have to stick around and deal with the blah to find out?

Maybe they exist as volunteers in my community or at my workplace, but when involved in these activities, my focus is often on other things; not trying to flirt and chat others up.

The other aspect of this that I have to keep in mind is that the person I’m looking for with these qualities is a human, which means that they are never going to perfectly fit my criteria.

They have their own agenda about what they want and don’t want in a connection, so there’s the idea of having to compromise to make things work.

For those of you who have been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, you know that compromise was all you ever engaged in — but it often required you giving up things to make them happy. Very, very rarely did they ever take your wants and needs into consideration.

Thus, the thought of having to give up some of my criteria to make a relationship or connection work feels icky and uncomfortable. I start to worry if it will create a slippery slope that requires me to give more and more (because that’s what happened in the past), so instead of taking a risk, I decide it’s not worth the time and effort.

Getting vs Giving
Another aspect that I’ve really been considering when it comes to the idea of what I deserve is getting it. Why is it something I have to get from someone else when I can give it to myself?

I am fully capable of giving myself the minimums listed above. I know exactly what I need to be compassionate and show myself that I am loved and valued. Why does that have to come from an outside source?

Of course, the answer to this is that it absolutely should come from me first. That’s how I figure out exactly what I want and need, then the goal is that I can show others in my life how to treat me properly.

But they have to be willing to do that. Again, we are all interacting with other humans who have their own opinions and agendas. Just because I show them how to treat me, they don’t have to engage in the activity; that’s their prerogative.

When throwing these thoughts out to a friend, their response was that there are certain things they need from other people. I didn’t pry to find out exactly what those are, but I can see how many people would agree with that statement.

And maybe I’m weird for thinking that that particular statement is flawed.

Maybe it’s my trauma talking that leads me to believe I don’t need anyone else.

Because that’s exactly how I feel.

I don’t begrudge anyone who thinks that they need someone else to provide for them, but — again — what can they give you that you can’t give yourself?

I’m not asking to be dismissive or rude, I’m truly curious.

Does the idea of needing whatever it is from the outside source come from the deeply ingrained belief that being alone will lead to death and destruction, like it would have meant for our ancestors?

As I go through my healing journey and look back at my past to determine where many of my thought processes and patterns stemmed from, it becomes apparent that I have been failed by so many people.

I, in turn, have also failed others.

Yes, we’re all humans and prone to make mistakes, but how many of us do things to correct those moments? How many of us actually go through the work of looking at why we are the way we are and doing what we can to be better? We may not succeed, but the thought should count, right?

Driven by Fear
At the very core of all these questions is fear. A lifetime of disappointments and failures, as well as being exposed to incredibly toxic individuals, has left me untrusting and leery.

I absolutely have a list of the things I deserve, but I don’t know if I will ever actually get them. Does that mean I have to settle? Does that mean I have to rethink my list and make it fit the world around me?

To these questions, I would say no. I’ve already done too much settling and compromising.

So where does that leave me?

I don’t think there is an easy answer to any of my questions, but I also think that’s the point.

At the end of the day, all I can do is figure out what’s best for me. Perhaps that means being more patient and waiting for my person(s) to show up. Maybe that will require me rethinking my desires or making them fit with what is offered. It’s possible my thoughts will change from day to day, moment to moment.

I don’t know.

But I think that’s also part of being human — and that’s okay.

Taking the Beauty Out of Art

I have a colleague that is a poet and an artist. The other day, I asked him what he was working on, and he told me he was honing his skills drawing life-like objects. He explained how he was focusing on measurements and making sure they were as precise as possible — because without precise measurements, the item on the page doesn’t have the same qualities as what it is trying to represent.

Chuckling, I told him he was sucking the romanticism out of art.

We then got into a discussion about how the creation of art is anything but romantic.

It Takes Work to Create a Masterpiece
Most people think of artists as sitting alone in their room or studio, being struck by the muse and becoming obsessed with finishing their masterpiece. They barely think about eating or drinking or taking care of themselves in any way until the work is completed. There are high emotions, and the creator feels divine and happy. All of those feelings are transferred from their being into the work before them, which is then transferred to the audience and creates feelings of joy and excitement within them.

In reality, there is nothing romantic about creating art, whether it is a painting, drawing, poem, or novel. The process revolves around taking chaotic thoughts and half-formed ideas and taming them into something that can be consumed and understood by others. If you think about the thoughts that run through your head at any time during the day, you know that feat is easier said than done.

There is a lot of precision to the creative process, which does mean having the right measurements — or choosing the right word or phrase or using a particular pencil or color — and assembling them in the right way on whatever medium the creator prefers to use.

Being precise and particular can make the process incredibly long. Depending on the type and depth of the work, it can take hours to years to finish a product. And during that time, it will go through a lot of different versions. It needs to be edited and refined. The final product may only have a hint of the original idea that the creator envisioned.

Making Things Look Easy
If you’ve ever looked at a final product — again, whether it be a painting, poem, novel, whatever — and thought, “That was amazing, and it seems like the creator had no issues at all making it,” then the creator has achieved their goal. The more effortless a project appears, the more work has gone into it.

Even if you’re looking at an impressionistic painting or reading experimental fiction and thinking that the creator just threw paint onto a canvas or wrote down any thought that came to mind, remember that everything was done intentionally — and more than likely painstakingly.

Most likely, nothing in the work is haphazard. There is meaning behind the splashes of paint or the seemingly random words. They were chosen for a reason.

No matter how much you appreciate and love the final work, keep in mind that the creator may not think of it as finished. During the process, the creator may have doubted themselves and shed tears because they didn’t think their work would be good enough. They may continue to think that their work isn’t good enough and be thinking of ways they want to change it.

Where you see perfection (or damn near), they may see flaws and problems. But they had to stop somewhere, so the final product in front of you is “good enough.”

If you think you can do better than what’s in front of you, I dare you to try.

See how long it takes you to recreate the work of art that you think was easy. But remember: you don’t get to be the judge. The audience makes the final decision. Do a compare and contrast and have others critique the work against the current standards and see how yours measures up.

Take a Moment to Appreciate the Effort
If you find that the work in front of you takes your breath away or makes you think or gives you the feels, take a moment to truly appreciate the effort that went into the creation. Think about the precise measurements the artist applied, the search for the perfect tool to ensure the final product looked just right, the agony that went into finding the right word or phrase.

Take a step back and soak in the work. Let it flow through you and indulge your senses.

Know that all the time and effort the creator put into their work was for your benefit. They wanted to make you feel. Being creative may not be romantic, but the final product should be inspirational and make you think that the process was effortless.

That’s part of the artistic appeal.

A Light Peeking Through the Clouds

Some of you may be aware that a while ago, I wondered if the world would be less bleak if I stopped reading/watching shows about serial killers and WWII.

I would like to tell you that my reduction of consumption of these materials was based on a conscious effort, but I can’t. Life has gotten incredibly busy, so I don’t have as much time to engage in extracurricular activities.

But does it really matter? Whether purposeful or not, the fact remains that I’m not viewing as much death and destruction, and that could be the reason there is a bit of sun peeking through the dark clouds of my life/attitude.

However, I’m not sure I can completely credit my new outlook solely on the changes in the type of material I’m consuming. There have been other changes in my life as well.

Healing My Wounds
I continue to go through the process of recognizing destructive patterns in my life and healing past traumas. I still dive deeply into my emotions and mind to figure out why I am the way I am. If there is anything in my power to change, I do what I can.

Healing is not an easy process. There is a lot of heartache and hurt when having to admit that some of my actions are toxic or that the people around me may not be good for me.

Change is also challenging. It brings its own set of anxieties and stress that have to be dealt with and overcome.

But going through that discomfort is necessary to get to the other side. I have seen a lot of progress, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

I’m convinced that a lot of that healing and trauma work has changed my mindset and added some color to the world. There are still shades of gray, but it’s not as overbearing as it has been in the past.

Don’t worry: I haven’t adopted a “good vibes only” or “positivity rules” mindset. If you read my blog, you know how I feel about those ideas. I still have a healthy dose of cynicism to get me through the day.

What I have done is started looking at the world through the eyes of “haves” instead of “have nots”; thinking about what I “get” to do, rather than what I’m “forced” to do or “can’t” do.

I’ve also been taking a really hard look at what’s going on around me and thinking about what I have control over and how it makes me feel. There are (of course) some things I have to endure, but there are others that I can walk away from or take actions so that I’m as comfortable as possible.

I’m Not an Optimist Yet
Changing my mindset has had an impact on how I view the world. I’m not an optimist yet, but things don’t seem as horrific as they had when I wrote that other blog post. Part of it could be the reduction in dark material, but it could also be moving forward with life as well.

Maybe it’s a little of both.

Maybe it’s just that nothing lasts forever and I’m currently in an upswing.

The only way to know for sure is to add some serial killer and WWII material back into the mix and see how it makes me feel. If I slide back into a dark place, I’ll know my viewing choices were part of the problem.

Of course, that won’t be happening any time soon, as my schedule is still fairly busy. But I will get to it as soon as possible. I noticed there’s a new special on Netflix that focuses on Gacy…

I’m discovering life is all about trial and error. There are no easy answers, and day to day, it’s about finding what works and what doesn’t.

Sometimes, nothing works.

Some days are just craptastic and littered with negative emotions—but that’s okay. Life is full of ups and downs, and getting through means finding a way to ride the waves (or at least not be drowned by them).

I’m in a good place right now, and I’ve been having more good days than bad days. Whether it’s tied to my viewing material or my mindset—or both—it doesn’t really matter. I’m going to enjoy these moments for as long as I can (remember: nothing lasts forever). 
Day to day, moment to moment, all I can do is take life as it comes.

I will also continue to do what I can to heal and test different theories to see how they make me feel—because both give me something to do.

You Don’t Have to Be Alone

There comes a moment (or several) in most single people’s lives when they feel like they are going to be alone forever. They lament their inability to find someone to spend their life with. But with 7.9 billion people (and counting) on Earth, there’s got to be someone out there for everyone.

And the truth is: finding a significant other is the easiest thing in the world.

Seriously. Here’s what you should do:

Sign Up for Dating Apps
Or more than one. Maximize your ability to find a partner and let others know that you’re serious about finding a significant other.

Once you’re on the dating app, make sure you respond to every single person that sends you a message. You’ll need to weed out the scammers and bots, but it won’t take you long to figure out how to spot those. You can then focus your attention on the individuals who are “serious” about making a connection.
To increase your chances of finding a partner, make sure to swipe right on every profile that comes your way. Then, send out messages of your own. Make sure you don’t copy and paste, lest the system flag you for being a scammer or bot.

Change up your greeting, but keep it simple. You’re sending out a lot of messages, but you need to stand out, so don’t resort to “Hey,” “Hi,” or any variation thereof.

Keep in mind that even though you send out a ton of messages, not everyone will respond to you. For those that do, make sure to keep the conversation going by keeping them talking about themselves.

People l-o-v-e to talk about themselves.

Don’t chat on the app for too long. Remember, your goal is to get into a relationship as soon as possible, so if someone hasn’t asked you out after a few days, you’ll need to take the initiative. If they say they want to get to know you better first, you decide if they’re worth your time and effort to continue engaging with.

There will be people who will be anxious to meet as soon as possible. If you’re ready to throw off the sadness of singledom, then get out and make it happen!

Head to the Bar
If instant gratification is more your cup of tea and you don’t want to spend time signing up for dating apps, one of the oldest and most reliable ways to find a partner is to head out to the bars.

Get yourself dressed up and ready for a night on the town!

To maximize your potential of finding someone, don’t limit yourself to one place. Consider visiting a variety of establishments — and keep in mind that your chances may increase the longer the night goes on.

Stay patient and stay awake!

Of course, if you’re lucky enough to find someone early in the evening, hooray! You’ve achieved your goal of changing your relationship status — at least for that moment.

What Do You Mean You Have Standards?
I don’t recall you saying anything about having specific traits you wanted in a partner. All I heard you say was, “I’m tired of being alone.” If you’re looking for a warm body to fill the empty space next to you, then it’s possible to find anyone who can do that.

There are plenty of people out there who are looking for someone like you to boost their ego and fulfill their selfish needs.

There are people who are looking for friends with benefits, as well as couples in open marriages who want their fun on the side or married couples who want to spice things up with a third.

And don’t forget about all those who engage in polyamory. The more people they can add to their life, the better!

I’m not judging. 
People can live their lives any way they want. As consenting adults, they can engage in whatever type of relationship that makes them happy. All I’m saying is that if you’re complaining that you can’t find someone, it’s because you aren’t looking hard enough.

Or your standards are too high.

If that’s the case, then you need to reconsider your position.

Let’s Get Serious
There’s nothing wrong with having an ideal partner in mind. You deserve someone who treats you right and loves you for who you are. You don’t need to settle for anything less than the best — and you get to decide exactly what that means.

The only issue with having those standards is that you might have to be patient and wait for that person to arrive. You might have to come to the conclusion that being single is better than being with the wrong person — and that’s okay.

Life is much too short to be trapped in a relationship with the wrong person. You don’t want your entire being stripped away because being lonely was uncomfortable.

At the end of the day, finding a significant other is — in all reality — one of the easiest goals you can achieve.

Unless you have standards.

To Be Loved

One of the most basic human needs is to be connected. As social creatures, we thrive when we are around others and feel supported and loved.

In theory, connecting with and loving others is easy. All it entails is meeting someone, hanging out with them, and being there in both good times and bad.

In practice, this is when things get messy and go wrong. We have too many issues that get into the way, making true connection difficult to achieve.

Our brains may be incredibly advanced, but there are parts that are still floundering and stuck in the far-gone past that make it difficult of us to achieve many of our goals as a species. The way trauma impacts the brain makes it difficult for us to connect to others, and on top of that, we also allow our prejudices, hate, and ego to get in the way.

We start to focus on our own needs rather than the good of the whole. That selfishness pulls our care and concern away from others, and we look for ways to get what we need, while often not providing to others what they’re looking for. As we take, take, take, we find that we need more — because we aren’t actually getting what we need — and the cycle continues.

Social Expectations for Connections
Within human society, there are a variety of different ways that people can connect. There are connections with friends and family, as well as romantic connections. For the sake of simplicity, let’s keep the categories to platonic and romantic.

Within each of these broad categories are specific expectations. We’ve been told since we were young that having friends means we get to hang out with people who share similar interests and will be there to have fun with and to help us with any problems we might have.

When it comes to family, their role is to help us grow by teaching us the skills we need to function within society. We are supposed to feel safe around our family and know that no matter what is going on in our life, we can go to them and have them tell us that everything is going to be okay or help us find a solution to whatever problem we might have. They will always love and accept us, no matter what.

For romantic relationships, we are told that ONE person is going to be there for us the rest of our life. They are going to accept us for who we are and love every fiber of our being. When things get tough, they’ll be there to hold our hands and wipe away our tears. During good times, they’ll be there to laugh.

In a romantic relationship, we get the best of both worlds. Not only will we have the basis of friendship, but it goes beyond that. There will be an entire being connection, one that takes place on a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual level. Finding this one person will make us feel complete, like we are whole and that nothing in the world can ever knock us down.

Expectations Dashed by Reality
Again, in theory, the definitions of these relationships sound really good. But when reality comes into play, both romantic and platonic relationships fall short.

Unfortunately, despite the guidelines and expectations that are set forth, very few people in the world can live up to them. There are too many factors that come into play; too much baggage that we each bring with us to the connection.

And we have expectations of our own.

Sure, we may want all of the things that we are supposed to get from these different connections, but some of us want so much more. Not only do we want to feel like the only person in the world in a romantic relationship, we want to be that. Any other connection our significant other has threatens our existence, forcing us to take drastic measures to ensure we become the center of that relationship’s universe.

In friendships, perhaps we want more than the other person can give. Maybe we want a platonic relationship to become a romantic one. Or maybe we discover that our family was never prepared to be there like they’re supposed to.

Society may set forth expectations of what relationships should look like, but it also sends mixed messages. It tells us that if we really want to make it in this life, we have to do it ourselves. We can’t be afraid to leave people behind who are holding us back, who don’t have our best intentions in mind, who threaten our ability to be the best we can be.

It’s the whole, pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps mentality. The idea that if you are truly going to be successful, this is a task that can only be achieved by you. If you have to step on people on the way up, that’s encouraged, because what’s at the top is what you deserve.

Survival of the Fittest?
Where did this mentality come from?

Was it something that took hold by watching nature and developing the idea of survival of the fittest?

This is definitely an idea that pervades our thinking. We have to be strong and tough, otherwise we won’t make it.

But what does that mean?

What are we striving to do?

The idea of survival of the fittest applies to creatures being able to pass their genes on to the next generation. But if you actually study nature and look at what makes a species successful, it’s not about being “strong,” it’s about being able to adapt. It’s recognizing that the environment around them is changing and doing what is necessary to survive in the new conditions.

There may have been a point in time when us humans were subjected to these same rules, but they no longer apply. While we are still impacted by parts of our environment, we have found ways to make it bow to our whims. We change our surroundings to better suit our wants and needs. We’ve thrown the whole system out of whack.

Perhaps that further encourages our sense of entitlement and desire for more. We’ve already “accomplished” so much. Maybe we think that we are invincible and can continue our dominance, so why wouldn’t we keep pressing forward?

In the process, there are members of our society who aren’t afraid to leave others behind. To sever connections in the name of progress. But what are they really gaining? What type of world are they creating?

Explaining Away the Discrepancies
With society sending mixed messages about connections, it’s hard for us to know where we stand. We try to find a compromise, some middle ground, only to realize that it’s not possible when dealing with such extremes.

Of course, there are people out there who do find meaningful connections in both their platonic and romantic relationships, but for a lot of us, we don’t get what we want and/or need.

It’s also hard to determine if a relationship is going to be beneficial or not. There are too many people who use manipulation and underhanded tactics to get what they want and need — and it often doesn’t result in giving back.

Relationships, no matter which type, require both parties being invested and willing to give as well as take. More often than not, they are one sided.

And there is nothing more devastating than the people who are supposed to always be connected to you not fulfilling their end of the bargain.

This is often dismissed as humans being humans. We are far from perfect, and our lives are riddled with mistakes. Even though the expectations are in place, society doesn’t actually expect that their members will live up to them, so people bend them to fulfill their own desires.

There is, of course, always room for improvement, and life is never going to be as easy as we want it to be.

However, for a species that thrives on being connected, it seems counterintuitive that we fight loving each other so hard.

Inspiration Gone Wrong

I’m a huge fan of inspirational quotes. I love to see them in social media feeds, and when someone I know is going through something, I spend a lot of time looking for the perfect sentiments to send them to help them feel better—or at least let them know that I’m thinking about them.

The best quotes are those that are written by humans. If you’re thinking, “Wow. What an odd thing to say. Why would anyone else but humans write inspirational quotes?”, it’s because there is a website where AI will develop “inspirational” quotes for you.

Let me tell you: most of the time, these are quotes that have gone wrong. Despite this, it’s actually quite entertaining to see what will pop up every time you click the “Generate” button. Some are so off the wall, it makes your head want to explode, others make you laugh.

Here are some that I enjoyed and want to share with you. If you want to generate your own, head over to the site and see what you get!

 

For this last one, it feels like the AI wasn’t confident in what it had to say. The tiny print makes me think it is trailing off and mumbling under its breath.

 

 

The Biggest Snooze Fest

As a child, I thought that the most important conversations were those that occurred between adults. I mean, they seemed so enthralled with what they were saying to one another, and if me or my siblings ever tried to interrupt, we would get in trouble.

These conversations seemed so intriguing that I would attempt to recreate them during play or with my own friends. I did my best, but it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, talking to others just wasn’t that big.

While these conversations seemed important, it didn’t take long for them to get boring. If my parents or other adults started talking for longer than a few minutes, I was sure that the world was going to come to an end. I had to find things to keep me entertained and awake.

Most of the time, that also resulted in me getting into trouble. With the adults’ attention focused on their conversation, it usually meant the rest of us kids would start running around or engaging in rough housing. That usually cut most conversations short.

The “Important” Conversations
Now that I’m an adult, I find that my assessment of most conversations as a child were spot on: they are boring. Hardly anything adults have to say to one another is intriguing or interesting.

I would have never guessed in my younger years that adults were so obsessed with the weather or moisture levels.

Seriously, the only time weather should be of any concern is if there’s a big storm moving through or one has already moved through and you’re asking another person if they have supplies to see them through.

Nice days don’t need to be commented on. If I’m outside doing something, I’m fully aware how beautiful it is. The weather isn’t so vain that it needs constant validation for being sunny and warm.

And work talk. Ugh! I get that people may be interested in knowing what you do for a living, but do we really have to dive into the details? Especially when we’re not at work? Let me enjoy my time away without having to worry about assignments I didn’t complete or thinking that what I do for a paycheck defines who I am.

Engaging in “Safe” Conversations
Are humans really that bad at conversing with one another? Or do they not care enough about each other to engage on a deep level?

My assumption is that both of these play a role.

The worst conversations that occur is when people are trying to form relationships — whether platonic or romantic. Rejection is a serious consideration, and since most people don’t want to get dismissed outright, they attempt to play it safe. They try to make their conversations neutral — i.e., boring.

I get it: there are certain situations where diving into your personal traumas and fears isn’t a good idea. You need to be polite but also social. And maybe you don’t want to share your innermost fears and desires with the individual you’re talking to (I’ve been there many a times).

But if you’re only willing to talk about the “approved” topics, then you aren’t going to get anywhere anyway. Staying “safe” doesn’t convey interest.

One of the most common places to see this type of interaction is on dating apps. I often think back to my “adventures” on these sites and shake my head at the wrongness of it all.

A lot of it boils down to fear of rejection. With so many people on these sites, standing out is challenging. The chances of being ignored or ghosted is extremely high. Sending a message that just says “Hi” or “Hello” or some variation thereof lets you gauge the other person’s interest.

At the same time, it’s also setting you up for failure.

There’s a reason there are numerous articles on the web that say, “Don’t send messages like this.” These articles often recommend that men don’t post pictures of themselves posing with dead animals or taking a selfie in a bathroom mirror. If you’ve even been a woman on a dating site, you know they don’t heed that advice either.

Those messages let the other person know that you exist, and they may be willing to look at your profile, but it probably won’t go beyond that.

The same thing occurs in real life. If you walk up to someone you don’t know and just say, “Hi,” you’re probably going to get a weird look. You may have a bit more luck in getting them to respond, but then again, maybe not.

The Most Engaging Conversations
I hate small talk. Absolutely h-a-t-e it. I will engage in it for a while, but then boredom takes over and I’ll look for an escape.

So what do I find interesting?

I want to talk about your hopes and dreams. I want to talk about your favorite childhood pet or the oldest thing you have in your fridge (and why it’s still there). If I really like you, I want to hear all about your childhood traumas and what causes you anxiety. I want to know the last good cry you had, or the moment that made you laugh so hard you peed your pants.

But these aren’t “approved” topics. No one wants to open themselves up to others in this way because it’s uncomfortable — it doesn’t feel safe.

Understandably so. If anyone knows what it’s like to have personal experiences used against them, it’s me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about them. It just means I’m going to be selective about who I share them with.

And not everything has to be trauma talk. There are soooooo many other conversation topics that don’t revolve around the weather and work that can be interesting to talk about.

But there’s an unspoken rule that says once you become an adult, important conversations have to be boring.

If I had known that as a child, I would have made sure I had more silly conversations and didn’t try so hard to hone my speaking skills.

How Do I Converse?
As I said, if I have to, I will engage in boring, safe conversations, but I prefer to talk about other topics.

I’m not afraid to ask “weird” questions. Before getting too bizarre, I may ask about the most recent book you’ve read or your favorite movie. If you seem willing to indulge and get into a deeper level of conversation, I’ll keep it going.

You may recall when I was telling my dating stories that I would send questions to people such as “What song best describes your life” or “What three people (living or dead, real or fictional) would you pick for your zombie apocalypse team?” Sometimes I would get answers, most times I would get ignored.

What’s interesting is that more often than not, I would not get asked the same question back — or any question, for that matter. The person would be willing to answer what I asked, but then the conversation would die because they refused to engage.

Perhaps the topic was out of their comfort zone, or maybe they just weren’t interested. *Shrug* Hard to say.

But very few people will engage on this level — especially when they first meet someone. If this conversation occurs in real life, more often than not, I’ll get side glances or a person’s friend will happen by that they just have to talk to. Not that any of that bothers me. Talking shop is a slow death for me, so I prefer to stand in the corner by myself and just watch.

I also like to eavesdrop.

Taking conversations out of context can make things interesting, even if they’re talking about the weather. I then get to make up my own stories about what’s going on in their lives, which is usually preferable to what is actually going on.

Talking to Myself
Thankfully, I do have places I can go where the people I talk to are willing to dive into those deeper levels of conversation and we all get to know each other on a spiritual level — and it happened from the moment I first met them.

This is a rare occasion, but it’s a magical one.

In addition, I always have myself to talk to, and that seems to happen more and more. I enjoy these inner dialogues; they help me understand who I am or who I want to be.

I also know that I’ll always be there to answer the tough, weird questions.

I don’t begrudge anyone their right to talk about what makes them comfortable, but if it focuses on the weather, the amount of moisture we’re getting this summer, or a job, I probably won’t stay engaged for long.

That could be a good thing or a bad thing.

You get to decide.