Pembroke Sinclair's Blog, page 3

Carefully Constructed Narratives

At any given moment, in places around the world, people interact with one another in good, bad, and indifferent ways.

Sometimes those moments change a person forever.

Sometimes, the interactions invoke an emotional response.

Other times, they are quickly forgotten.

No matter the outcome, there are always three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth.

Everyone perceives an interaction differently. The moment goes through the various filters that a person has created based on their upbringing, values, morals, prejudices, and personality. Their perception of what transpired then becomes reality.

Very rarely do two people see a situation in the same, exact way. Because of who they are and what goes on in their mind, this is impossible. But that doesn’t mean how they perceive the moment is flawed. It’s just another perspective.

Sometimes, depending on what they experienced, they have a desire to share the moment with others. Maybe they want advice or an outside opinion about what happened. Maybe they want to share something funny or heartbreaking with a good friend. Perhaps, they just want to share a story.

Who Has the Right to Tell the Story?
In a perfect world, anyone would be able to tell any story that they wanted. They would be allowed to have a voice and take up space. They would be allowed to express what happened to them and how the moment made them feel.

Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world, so more often than not, people’s stories and experiences are silenced.

One of the biggest reasons this happens is because one of the parties involved in the interaction has carefully constructed a narrative about their life that has led them to believe they are always the hero. They want to believe that everything they do is perfect and that they are perfect. If anyone tries to question that narrative or their motives, it distresses them beyond belief.

Everyone is entitled to their feelings. People are also allowed to view themselves in any way that they please.

If they want to believe they are the best thing that has ever graced the face of the Earth, who are the rest of us to question them?

If they want to believe that they were left here by aliens and that the mother ship will one day return to pick them up and take them home, who are the rest of us to say that it’s not true?

Again, our perception dictates our reality. It gives us a way to look at and understand the world and ourselves. It gives us meaning. It impacts who we are.

However, the issue arises when we think our perceptions are the only Truth and feel the need to silence others. When one person denies another person the ability to tell their story, this takes away their truth. It makes it seem like their perception of what happened isn’t as valuable or real as what the other person experienced.

Is this fair?

Absolutely not.

Is it right?

No. Everyone should be able to express themselves.

But it doesn’t matter if the act falls into these two categories or not.

It happens. All the time.

People are denied the ability to tell their stories because it threatens to undermine or shatter the carefully constructed narratives that many individuals have created. It’s scary to think that you may not be the perfect person you have convinced yourself to be.

Most of the time, the person who has developed this narrative about themselves doesn’t want to face reality, and they certainly don’t want anyone else thinking less of them, so they go out of their way to silence any narrative that portrays them in anything but a perfect light.

A World of Stories
Of course, when it comes to silencing others, most people don’t say, “Don’t tell anyone what happened. I don’t want them to know the real me.”

Oh, no.

They use threats, coercion, gaslighting, and a whole host of other underhanded techniques to ensure that the other person is afraid to tell their side of the story.

A lot of the time, it works.

But…inevitably, the truth always comes out.

There is always one person who defies the threats and confusion and lets their voice ring out. When that happens, it encourages others to step forward and share their stories as well. This creates an abundance of storytellers who are no longer afraid to keep their truths hidden.

The world is full of stories. Some are good, some are bad, some are indifferent. Some change the people who were involved, some are easily forgotten.

No matter what category a story falls into, a person should never be afraid to tell what happened to them. After all, it’s part of who they are, it’s how they perceive the world.

The person they are telling the story to gets to decide what they do with what they’re told (whether they believe it or not or decide to pass it on), but it doesn’t change the fact that the story happened and that the person it happened to has every right to speak their truth.

Life Lessons from Dating Apps

If you haven’t read part 1 , part 2 , and part 3 , now is a good time to get caught up!

In total, I was on the different dating apps for maybe 3 months, and my experience was mostly negative.

“That’s because you were on the wrong apps!” I hear some of you saying. “You needed to be on Match or eHarmony.”

To which I would respond: “Do you have any idea how expensive those apps are?”

And then you would say: “That’s the point! The high monthly price weeds out the creeps and weirdos and ensures that only those who are serious about finding a relationship are using the sites.”

And I would say: “Maybe.”

I have a friend who had a bad experience using Match. Despite the monthly fee, she was still able to find herself a predator.

I’ve also watched a news expose that focused on a man who murdered one woman and attempted to murder another after he met them on Match and was rejected.

I also know from personal knowledge that people with Dark Triad traits use dating apps to get their “supply.”

“Well, yeah,” some of you huff. “If you look for the bad in anything, you’re going to find it.”

Which is true. But keep in mind that I came to dating apps with high hopes and expectations, and they were dashed and torn apart. I was looking for the positive, but I didn’t find it.

My point is: It doesn’t matter if you have to pay a higher monthly fee or spend 20 minutes filling out a questionnaire. If a creep or predator is serious about finding their next victim and they have disposable income and time on their hands, they’ll use whatever dating app gets them what they want.

With that said, I also know two people who met and married their matches on dating apps. So, really, it can go either way.

At this point, all I know is that dating apps didn’t work for me.

“You just didn’t give it enough time,” some of you point out.

That could be, but I gave it as much energy as I could afford at the moment.

Other Finds During My Research
Probably the most interesting part about using dating apps was the information I found doing research. I’m one of those constantly curious people that likes to dig as deeply into a topic as I can get. For some, this might take the fun and excitement away from life, but for me, it makes it more intriguing.

If the internet has shown us anything, it’s that it’s super easy to create a whole new persona for yourself. You get to be who you want to be. And studies, even those conducted by the dating apps themselves, show that people lie in their profiles.

It has been found that 80% of people have lied in their dating app profile . The most common lies that people tell have to do with their height, weight, and age. The goal, of course, is to present the best versions of themselves to increase their chances of getting a date.

Other lies include how much money a person makes, with people saying they make more money than they really do. When OKCupid dug into this statistic to find out why this lie was so prevalent, they found that older guys who say they make a lot of money get more messages from potential partners than if they are in a lower income bracket.

So, if there’s a justification for this lie, it would be that it works — at least for a certain age group.

During my research, I also found that there is a high percentage of married men who also use dating apps to find other women. I can’t find that article again, so I can’t give you that number, but there is one from 2015 that claims that 42% of people who use Tinder already have a partner .

Now, I’m fully aware that Tinder is the site that is commonly used to find casual hook-ups, so maybe this statistic isn’t shocking to some, but I can say from experience that this isn’t the only site where this occurs.

I came across several profiles for married couples who were looking for a third or married men who wanted a side chick. There were also a few that said the divorce would be final in a few months, but the guy was looking for his next relationship now. This isn’t an anomaly.

Although, Tinder’s reputation as a hookup site is one of the reasons why I never signed up on that dating app.

Although, I have heard stories that Tinder has changed and there are now users who are looking for something serious and finding it. I will probably never find out…

There’s a Problem with Too Many Choices
One of the things that many people enjoy about dating apps is that they offer a lot of choices. People have access a world of available singles and look for the one that’s perfect for them.

But having tons of choices isn’t always better.

Recently, I read the book Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari and in that book, he talks about how having too many choices actually makes it harder for us to find the right partner. Even if a person finds someone they click with and could have a lasting relationship with, there’s a fear that there is someone even better just a swipe away.

I also came across a study that talks about how the magnitude of options on dating apps leads to fears of rejection. After a certain amount of time, people stop swiping right (accepting) on potential matches because they are afraid that those people will reject them. The try to mitigate this feeling by being the first one to reject.

This could mean that they are overlooking individuals who could potentially be their soul mate. But rejection is a powerful thing, and if there’s a way to overcome the discomfort that comes from that, people will take it.

I can tell you that I experienced this while on the various dating apps. When I first got on, I felt like the world was my oyster. I picked men based on my personal preferences and sent messages to those I was hopeful to chat with.

After being ghosted or having conversations get awkward or fizzle out, I found my excitement waning. I would look at pictures and profiles and if I thought the man would ignore me, I decided not to have anything to do with him. I felt like I had to conserve my energy for those people who were “sure things.”

But that’s just it with dating apps: no one is a “sure thing.”

Most of the people are lying on their profile, so you don’t even get to know the “real” them until you meet in person (if you’re lucky; if nothing else, you’ll know if they look like their profile picture and are the height they claimed to be). There are also tons of fake profiles, and even those that are real, they might think that they’ll find a match that is even better, so they may reject you even after chatting for a while and/or going on a date.

I’m fully aware that finding a “sure thing,” whether you’re using a dating app or meeting people in other ways, requires a leap of faith. But there are people who aren’t willing to take that chance.

Relationships can be unpredictable and messy, and they come with a lot of emotion. Most people do what they can to avoid feeling discomfort at all costs, and may continuously swipe from one person to the next — all with the hope that Mr. or Mrs. Right will just fall into their lap.

Dating Apps and the Future
Some of you might be wondering if I plan to use dating apps in the future, and I can’t say. Right now, my knee-jerk reaction is to say, “Hell no!” But time may soften the experience.

If nothing else, I can walk away with some insight about myself. I will use this to grow and become the best person I possibly can.

Just because my story didn’t have a happy ending, that doesn’t mean it represents all dating app stories. There are millions of people who use these sites, and I am just one of many.

If you were lucky enough to find your forever using PoF, OKCupid, Match, eHarmony, or whatever, I’m incredibly happy for you.

Should you be thinking about signing up for one of these sites, all I can tell you is to be careful. Make sure you know what you’re getting into and protect yourself.

Well, that just about does it for what I am able/willing to share about my dating app experience. I hope you enjoyed it and perhaps even learned something along the way.

Taking Dating to the Elite Level

If you haven’t read part 1 and part 2 , check those out. This post will make more sense if you do.

One of the things that bothered me on PoF and OKCupid was the fact that so many of my matches didn’t fit my personal preferences. Again, I wasn’t making a judgement call when I said I wanted a guy with a college education who wasn’t a smoker. It boiled down to personal preference.

Why have the options if they’re going to be ignored?

Since I wasn’t finding what I was looking for, I decided to take my search to another level. That’s when I signed up for Elite Singles.

They claim that 80% of their users have a college education and beyond.

They weren’t lying. The vast majority of matches I was sent were doctors or did other jobs in the healthcare industry. I think there might have been a lawyer or two in there, as well as some engineers. Plenty of professors, as well.

Elite Doesn’t Mean Better
Elite Singles may have had men with higher educations, but I still didn’t find a match. As I was scrolling through my options, one thing I kept noticing was that under the “Do you want to have kids” option, many of them had said “Yes” or “At some point in the future.” This didn’t work for me at all. 

Now, I understand that there are women out there who have kids in their 40s, and that’s totally fine. They can do what they want, and I’m going to do what I want.

I’m getting to the point in life where I don’t want to deal with diapers and getting up in the middle of the night. My kids are in double digits, and I’m happy they are testing boundaries and trying to become independent. The teen years are about to be in full swing in my house, and I’m dreading and looking forward to them.

I’m getting to the point in life where I want to see what’s beyond kids. What does life have in store for me when the kids finally start having lives of their own?

With that in mind, as I was looking at these profiles, I was thinking: “Who are they planning on having kids with?”

As a curious person, I decided to do some research to find out if men in the 40+ age category wanting kids was an occurrence that happened often.

Know what I found?

It is.

Older Men and Younger Women
If you come across a man who is 40+ and hasn’t been married and doesn’t have kids, chances are they structured their life that way. They decided to focus on their career to make sure they were financially secure before finally settling down. Some women take this route as well.

When these men finally feel good about where they are in their careers, they decide it’s time to start a family . Like so many others in this world, they turn to dating apps to help them find the perfect partner.

Most of these guys aren’t looking for women in their age bracket. Not only is it rare to find a middle-aged woman who wants to have babies late in life, but there’s also the fear of health concerns for baby and mom.

More often than not, these men are looking for women in the 27-35 age bracket.

Now, there are younger women who are looking for older men to have a relationship with. However, what I found in my research is that most women who are in their late twenties, early thirties are completely blindsided and confused when they get messages on the dating app from men who are as old as their dads.

Because here’s the thing: younger women who are looking for partners to start a family with generally want someone close to their age. This increases the chances that the father will still be around when the kid graduates from high school and that they’ll have the energy to play with their offspring and raise them.

That, of course, is a blanket statement, as I’m fully aware that there are people in their 60s and 70s who are in great shape. But the truth is: raising kids is hard work, and there’s a reason why most people are young when they take on the task!

There is, of course, men who are just looking to date younger women for whatever reason , so they overlook women in their age bracket. That’s fine. That’s their preference. I’m not gonna fault them for having filters.

Other Elite Issues
The other issue I ran into on Elite is the fact that there weren’t a lot of options within my distance requirements. In fact, I think out of the entire state, I was given three (maybe four) options. 

This could be due to the fact that it costs to use the Elite dating app. There was a free option, but it didn’t get you much. I knew this going in, and I was willing to pay to see what I could find. Turns out, it was a waste of money.

I did connect with one guy on there. He was a psychiatrist somewhere on the East Coast. He wasn’t my type, although he seemed nice enough. We chatted for a while, but then I was just done.

By this point in time, I was becoming incredibly disillusioned with the whole dating app thing. It was not what I expected, and it was taking more energy than I was willing to expend.

Eventually, I took down all of my profiles and deleted the apps. I lost money in the process, but I gained some peace of mind.

Tune in next week to see what lessons I learned during my mis-adventures in dating!

Eventually, I Find a Match

If you haven’t read the first part of this series, My Mis-Adventures in Online Dating, check that out first. The story will make more sense. 

One of the things I take great pride in is the fact that I’m a quick learner. I created a profile on Plenty of Fish (PoF) without having any clue what I was getting into. After only a short while, I developed some skills and gained some experience.

I decided to put this new-found information to the test.

Of course, PoF was a bust at this point, so I needed a new platform. After doing some more research, I settled on OKCupid.

One of the things I found appealing about this site was that they had an involved questionnaire that supposedly was more accurate when it came to matching me with potential mates. It still had the other filters, such as distance, education status, height, etc., but then it proclaimed to go much more in depth.

This was quite different from PoF. They had nothing of the sort. It was just a free for all for finding someone you might be interested in based on photos and their profile—which may or may not tell the truth (I’ll get into this in a later blog post).

Getting Started on OKCupid

As I set up my profile on the new dating app, I already knew that I wasn’t going to pay for anything on the site. I also told myself that it was okay if I didn’t respond to every person who messaged me. This actually turned out to be a lot harder than I expected, but I’ll get into this later.

What I found out during my trial-and-error period is that if you don’t pay for any features on the site, people can only message you if you form a “Mutual Match.” That means if they like you and you like them (blindly at this point, since you can’t see the photos/profiles of people who like you), then you can start chatting with one another. 

However, Cupid has an “Introduce Yourself” feature. If you liked someone, you could send them a quick message to say hi, or whatever. If they liked you back, then you could start chatting. It reduced a lot of unwanted and unsolicited messages that made me feel obligated to reply to.

In PoF’s defense, I should let you know that as a paid member, I had the option of using a feature that only allowed other paid members to message me. I turned this on and off several times, just to see how it worked, but it still led to getting unsavory individuals messaging me.

Things Go Slower

Cupid was a much slower site than PoF. The first 24 hours weren’t the most active, which made it feel less overwhelming and stressful. Likes came in slowly, and a few introductions showed up here and there.

I would say that within the first 24 hours I did receive a message, to which I replied, even though the guy was an occasional smoker and a few years younger than my target age.

I was still struggling with some boundaries at this point. Plus, I was just sure that I needed to find someone to help me get on with my life, and how did I know this wasn’t that guy?

It didn’t take long. It became apparent that we really didn’t have a lot in common.

With things moving slower, this gave me a greater sense of control. I was able to go through the stacks of matches presented to me to find guys that fit my personal preferences. I even took the time to send an introductory message or the first message if there was a mutual match (which didn’t happen often).

Of course, I’m not one to be boring. I refused to send a “Hi,” so I found some fun ice breakers to send. I would send things like:

What song do you think would be playing on repeat in Hell? If you could start a charity, what would it be? If you had an extra hour each day, how would you spend it?

I would also read through their profile to find something that sparked my interest and asked about that. For the sake of experimentation, I think I might have sent a couple of “Hi” messages and maybe a few “How’s your day going?”

I had to see if one message or the other was more successful in getting a response.

Hello? Is This Thing On?

It didn’t matter what I sent. More often than not, I was ignored. Which is probably only fair because I ignored a lot of people as well.

I did talk to a few guys, but it didn’t take long for the conversations to get weird/uncomfortable or just fizzle out.

One guy was a professional student living about 1.5 hours away. He seemed incredibly nice and kind at first, and we chatted for a while. Then, the conversation turned to when we could become physical and how he didn’t mind the drive as long as I was willing to put out.

I’m not a prude, but after only a short time of communicating, this seemed really fast to me. And I pointed that out. And—again—the pandemic. 

He mentioned that at some point this would be an important part of a relationship, to which I agreed, but not tomorrow. He said when I was ready to change my mind, I could message him back.

I didn’t.

I was talking to another guy who claimed to be a horror fan in his profile. Since I also like horror films, I thought it would give us something to talk about. That conversation didn’t last long. It was so short, I don’t even remember what was said.

Which, side note, reminds me of a conversation with a guy on PoF. He started messaging me because he noticed that I like horror films, and, at first, he was engaging and fun. We talked about many different movies and what our favorites were. It was enjoyable.

Then, out of the blue, he said: “Does watching horror make you horny?” To which I replied that it didn’t (because I watch horror to discover the things that scare society). His response was that it must be the naked girls, but things became uncomfortable after that, so that conversation ended.

Back to Cupid.

Most of the conversations on Cupid were forgettable. Even though I had the ability to set filters for the types of guys I was looking for, they were ignored just like they were on PoF.

According to the sites, this is because they want all users to have an enjoyable experience, and the filters might limit the number of matches that I am shown. More often than not, this is because there’s a small pool of people in the area to pull from.

This makes sense, especially since I don’t live in a big city, but I don’t want to be shown random guys because it supposedly makes for a better experience.

It doesn’t.

It makes the process frustrating because I’m shown options that I have no interest in pursuing.

I Find a Match

Eventually, I was matched with a guy who ticked all of my requirements (or at least most of them). For the sake of these posts, we’ll call him Milton.

We formed a mutual match, and after reading his profile, I felt like my patience had finally paid off. He wasn’t looking to get married again (neither was I), but he wasn’t looking for hookups, one-night stands, or flings (neither was I!). He just wanted someone to talk to and hang out with (so did I!).

His profile pretty much read like mine, so I said yes.

The only thing that could be perceived as problematic was that he wasn’t looking for someone who had kids. His was grown and out of the house, so he didn’t want to raise anymore. I totally understood that, but since the conversation was starting out online, what did either of us have to lose?

When the “Introduce Yourself” box appeared, I had no idea what to say. It was late, so I decided to go to bed and write something the next day when I was fresh.

He beat me to it. His message was vulnerable and charming, and I found myself liking him even more.

Long story short, we started messaging every day. After 3 weeks, I sent him my phone number so that we could text.

Then, we decided to meet in person.

Tune in next week when I tell you all about the date!

My Mis-Adventures in Online Dating

I’ve always been wary of online dating sites. I’ve heard too many stories about women meeting unsavory men or dealing with creeps. I also watch a lot of real-crime TV shows. There also seems to be a desperation factor associated with creating a profile, and I never wanted to come off as desperate.

I’m from the generation that saw the rise of the internet. I’ve been there from the beginning and have watched it evolve. I’m comfortable being online. I have no problems meeting people online, but the thought of forming a romance wasn’t appealing.

Of course, over time, my thoughts and ideas on that notion changed.

Over the summer, my Outer Child convinced me that I had to meet someone new. Since I work from home and, you know, the pandemic, my only option was to sign up for dating apps.

I don’t drink, so going to bars is out of the question.

I’m not religious, so church? Ha! Not gonna happen.

I live in a fairly small town that doesn’t have a lot of clubs or organizations to join (trust me, I looked), so what was I to do?

I wasn’t comfortable with the decision, but I had read several articles about how the perception of meeting people online had changed. It was no longer stigmatized. In many cases, it was the norm. I wanted to move on with my life, and I convinced myself this was the best way to do that, so I did some research.

I’m not the type of person to just jump in and create a profile on any old dating app. I read a lot of articles and reviews about which ones are the best before finally deciding to download one.

The First App Was a Bust

Honestly, I don’t remember what the name of the first app was. I will tell you, though, that within an hour, I had deleted my account and uninstalled the app. The men I was matched up with absolutely did not meet my criteria.

Here’s what I was looking for in the men online:

Between the ages of 40 and 52 Had at least some college (keep in mind that I have a Master’s degree, so education is very important to me) Non-smoker (I would not budge on this at all) Preferred non-drinker, but it was fine if they occasionally imbibed Preferred taller than me, but it wasn’t a deal breaker if they weren’t (I’m just over 5’9”) Preferred someone non-religious (it would just make things easier)

Where the person was located was also a big factor. I didn’t want to traipse across the country looking for love, and it was damn-near impossible to do with COVID raging anyway.

When it came to the first app, the vast majority of the matches I was sent were smokers or undereducated or both. This is not a judgement on the type of person they are, this is a personal preference. I wasn’t going to lower my standards, so I removed the app so that I could find someone more on my level.

My Second Attempt

After doing some more research, I settled on another dating app (Plenty of Fish [please note that I will not link to the apps because I don’t want to promote them, but I think it’s only fair that I let you know which ones I tried), downloaded it, and set up my profile. It said in the description that the first 24 hours of being on this site are the most active, and they weren’t kidding. I had to silence the notifications because my phone was about to explode.

During my research, I came across several articles that said to get the most out of the dating app experience, you are supposed to respond to every message you receive. Since it’s so hard to really know a person from a few photos and a short profile, engaging in conversation helps.

Let me tell you something: this is terrible advice to give someone who has had issues with creating and maintaining boundaries. I also have people-pleaser tendencies, so I was giving guys who didn’t deserve chances a chance. This didn’t make my experience pleasant.

The other thing that made me feel like I had to talk to people was the fact that I had paid for the site. When you have a free account, you get a notification that someone liked you, but you can’t view their profile or their photo. I wasn’t going to go into this blind. I needed to know who was liking me, so I decided to go for the paid option.

I misunderstood the payment options, so I wound up paying for, I think, 8 months of services. It seemed excessive, but once you’ve sent your payment information, you don’t get refunds.

Meeting My Matches

One of the first guys I met on the site wasn’t my type at all, and he lived well out of the range I was willing to drive, but since I was talking to everyone to potentially find Mr. Right, I engaged him in conversation. He was pleasant at first, asking questions and doing the whole get-to-know-you thing.

At one point, he mentioned that he was really enjoying talking to me and that he hoped it would continue. Within 30 minutes, that completely changed. Here’s the exchange (warning: bad language used! His message is gray, mine is the greenish): 

Now, I’m not sure why he thought he could decide if I was ready to meet new people or not, but at that point, I was done. Three days after this conversation, he sent another message trying to engage me again. I ignored him. 

Since the first few days are the most active on the site, I had another guy message me to tell me that I was a “cutie.” That sat really wrong with me. I’m in my 40s. I’ve outgrown the “cute” stage by about 15 to 20 years. I mentioned that to him, thinking that maybe he’d like to try again, and he sent an apology with an “you’re awfully sensitive as well.”

And that was how that conversation ended.

Another guy commented that I had a “bangin’ body,” which I don’t know how he could tell because I wasn’t wearing anything skintight in any of my profile photos—and most of the time the pictures didn’t show me from the neck down. When I asked him to not go there on the second message he sends me, he asked: “What are ya a nun?” Grammatical errors were included.

That resulted in a block.

Within two conversation bubbles with one guy, he asked if I would be embarrassed to have a 5’7” stand next to me in public. At that point, I knew nothing about him, but I sure as hell knew I didn’t want to deal with his height insecurities. I didn’t respond to him at all.

I was able to engage with a few individuals who were respectful, but I could tell from the beginning that the conversations weren’t going to lead anywhere. I hate one-sided conversations. If I’m the only one asking questions, I’m not going to keep talking to you. The goal is to get to know one another, but if you can’t ask me about me, then that signals that you’re not interested.

One guy I talked to did know how to ask questions, but he was farther away than I would have preferred and trying to move things too quickly. Within the first exchange, he was talking about me driving the 1 hour and 20 minutes to meet him.

Now, I completely understand that the point of dating is to eventually meet up in person. However, with a pandemic raging and long distances to drive, I preferred to chat online for more than an hour before taking that step. And I mentioned that. He said he understood, but constantly commented about when we could meet up.

I tried to reject him kindly, but it got to the point that whenever he saw me on the dating app, he would engage me in conversation. Due to my personality quirks, I couldn’t just ignore him, so I would get sucked into talking to him.

It got to the point where I didn’t want to be online at all for fear of running into him.

My Initial Beliefs Were Reinforced

My initial interactions with matches were cringy enough, but there were other reasons why I didn’t like this particular app. The number of fake accounts was staggering. I would say one-third of the people who contacted me were trying to lure me off the site so that they could ask me for money. I was ready for it, though, so I didn’t fall for their trickery.

Out of curiosity, I did a search to find out how successful scammers were in getting people to send them money, and I was shocked by what I found. In 2019, it was reported that people lost more than $200 million to romance scams.

$200 MILLION!

Says a lot about people. There are a lot of lonely people in this world looking for a connection. It also shows that some people have no scruples and will take advantage any chance they get. It’s sickening on so many levels.

In addition, the filters were worthless. They only work when it comes to showing me guys I might be interested in, but if someone is interested in me, they can like and message me whenever. They don’t have to be in my 100-mile radius or be non-smokers or whatever other filter I set. Because they are shown people who match their filters, and they might not have set any. This troubled me a lot. I was contacted by a lot of men that I wasn’t interested in at all.

I did not enjoy my experience on the Plenty of Fish dating app. It reinforced my initial beliefs that dating apps are full of creeps.

I wasn’t quite ready to give up, though. My Outer Child convinced me that there was still hope, so I decided to conduct an experiment. That involved signing up for another dating app.

Tune in next week when I share what I learned from OKCupid.

Know Your Audience

As a writer, one of the first things I was taught was to know my audience. As an English teacher, it’s one of the main lessons I teach my students.

Knowing your audience is so important because it allows you to structure your writing in a way that helps them understand what you are trying to say. You might think that the entire world is going to be interested in your story or essay (or whatever you’re writing), but they aren’t.

Trying to get the attention of people who don’t want to read your writing is a waste of time and resources. Instead, you need to focus on those individuals who think the same way you do and are interested in what you have to say.

Recently, I came to the revelation that knowing your audience doesn’t only apply to writing. It applies to other aspects of life as well. Particularly when it comes to emotions and hard times.

The past few years have been incredibly trying for me. My life has been turned upside down in many ways, and I’ve spent a lot of time reaching out to friends and family that I thought would help me through.

Instead, I was met with more heartache, frustration, and disappointment. I did what I could to make them understand what I was experiencing. I sent links to articles, I found memes that expressed my feelings in ways that I couldn’t, I tried to explain things as best I could. 

It didn’t help. 

It made my feelings of grief and loss that much deeper.

I didn’t know my audience.

I was trying to get support and empathy from people who were unable to provide it the way I needed.

While on my soul-searching journey, it has become apparent that I can’t expect others to be there for me the way I need them to. Even if I tell them exactly what I need and give them every resource available to understand me, they have to make the decision to use the information. I can’t force them. I have no control over their actions.

Their inability to support me isn’t about me. In many cases, it may be a sign of their own neglected and unhealed trauma. Maybe they don’t have the capacity for sympathy and empathy. Maybe they just don’t care.

No matter what the reason, I have to be there for myself.

This doesn’t make my friends and family bad people. It just means I have to change my expectations. I have to accept them for who they are and what they have to offer — even if it’s nothing.

I have to know my audience and share accordingly. If that means I keep my feelings to myself, so be it. If they are truly interested in knowing what’s going on and I feel safe, I can share my innermost issues.

I spent a lot of time trying to force others to see me for who I am, and it led to exhaustion, stress, anxiety, and resentment. I’m done. I will accept others for who they truly are and not who I want or need them to be, with the understanding that may mean I won’t interact with them as often.

In my writing world, my stories aren’t for everyone, and I don’t try to force someone who doesn’t want to read them to read them. I’m learning that the same is true for my life as well. It’s tough and painful, but knowing my audience will eventually lead me to finding those who accept and support me for who I truly am.

Why Do I Write?

I asked myself this question a few weeks ago. I was doing some soul searching and trying to figure out why I engaged in certain behaviors and actions. The goal was to help me heal from past traumas and figure out the best way to live my life.

When I answered this question, I discovered that I had been writing to create connections with other people.

On the surface, this sounds like a noble reason. I mean, who doesn’t want to create connections?
We’re human. We thrive on being there for one another.

But my reasons actually went deeper than this.

It wasn’t just about connections with readers. It was about being validated. I needed my audience to let me know that I had worth because they enjoyed my stories. If they didn’t understand me or like me, I was wasting my time.

I had visions of becoming best friends with my readers. I imagined that we would spend countless hours chatting about books and life online. They would tell me how wonderful I was, and I would know that I hadn’t wasted my time writing novel after novel.

Perhaps we would even meet in public. They would throw their money at me, which in turn would attract the interest of Hollywood, and then more people would be able to engage with and enjoy my stories.

My entire being became wrapped up in my writing. I did it to give myself meaning, a reason to get out of bed in the morning, a voice that people wanted to listen to. If strangers thought my books were wonderful, their acceptance let me know that I was an amazing and worthy person.

I’ve met many, many extraordinary readers who have enjoyed my stories and have sent me some of the most heartwarming and encouraging messages, but I found myself disillusioned with the process. When I didn’t make millions of dollars on books sales or have directors breaking down my door to turn my works into movies, I felt like a failure.

I felt like I had missed my connections.

I wasn’t being validated for my writing—my existence was meaningless.

So, I retreated. I disappeared from the world. The thought process at the time was that I would show everyone what they were missing. Once I was gone, there would be void. Readers would realize how amazing I truly was and beg me to come back. I would look down on the world and smirk, make them beg for my stories—and for me.

As you can imagine, that wasn’t how it happened. Most of the world didn’t even notice I was gone. A few incredibly kind and caring readers sent me messages, but they didn’t beg for me to keep writing. They didn’t feel the emptiness in their souls.

And they didn’t need to.

I was the one with the empty soul. I was writing for the wrong reasons.

My soul-searching journey is far from over, but I have discovered some truths along the way, some of which have been incredibly hard to deal with. When I discovered that I was writing so that I could be validated and know that I had a place in this world, it became apparent why the practice left me feeling empty and disappointed. There is never enough praise in the world to make me feel like I’ve “made it.”

I won’t lie: there’s something magical about having a reader tell me that they loved my story and that it spoke to them on many different levels. It’s definitely nice to connect in that way. But I can’t expect my readers to validate my existence and to encourage me to keep writing. I’m the only one who can do that.

It took me a long time to come to this conclusion and to find my passion and desire to write again. I had to not only change my thinking about writing, but also my behaviors and actions toward it as well. I may never become a millionaire or see my books turned into movies, but that shouldn’t stop me from writing them.

I probably won’t become best friends with readers and spend hours online talking about how wonderful I am. And that’s okay. I can still create a connection with them. We can still form a bond, and my writing can be the catalyst. But it won’t make or break my desire to write if it doesn’t happen.

Figuring this out was actually incredibly freeing. I’ve one again found joy in creating stories; it no longer feels like a chore.

I’ll continue to write, but I doubt I’ll ever try to publish in the same way I’ve done in the past. I’m okay with putting my stories on Wattpad for readers to read for free. It doesn’t break my heart if no one actually reads them. I don’t need anyone’s approval or validation.

Now when I ask myself why do I write, I can honestly answer: for the sheer joy of it.

It's Been a Long Time Coming

It's been a long time. Probably too long, but I've been so engrossed with healing and finding my path in life, I haven't been keeping track of how long it's been since I last created a story. To be honest, I didn't think I would ever write again. I thought that part of me had faded.

It hasn't.

I can't remember the last time I had a manuscript in front of me that was ready for edits. The best part about it is knowing that I did that. I put words onto a page.

The story needs work. It is far from perfect, but I have a start. I have a stack of papers.

I have no idea where my writing is going from here, but it won't be the same place it was before. I need to get through this story. Get my legs back under me, and then go from there. At this point, it's all about baby steps. This first one feels amazing.

The Last Two Weeks Have Been a Grind

Well, in all honesty, 2020 up until this point has been a grind. So many things are happening, and trying to deal with and take it all in is incredibly exhausting. On top of all of that, we all still have to live our lives.

I don’t know about you, but I struggle with trying to figure out the best way to do that given the current environment. I live in a pretty sheltered part of the world, but I still get the news and feel everything on an incredibly deep level.

I wonder what’s the point of getting up in the morning and going to work.

I question what it all means.

I feel betrayed and saddened by certain members of the human race.

At the same time, I still have responsibilities and bills to pay. I have two boys who need to be taken care. I was so excited when school finally ended and summer began because I thought things would get easier.

Sure, I no longer have to worry about my work and their work, but now they often get bored. The weather has been unbearably hot, and none of our public pools are open, so they ask to go down to the river. Reluctantly I agree, if only because I know I have to give myself a break and get some fresh air.

Times are not simple.

Things are not getting easier.

There are more questions than answers about what is going on with the world.

I spend a lot of time shaking my head and being confused. It can be hard to get out of bed in the morning and follow my daily routine. Some days it just feels wrong, but I have to do something.

This world needs to change. There’s no longer a question about that. It has already, in so many ways, but more is needed. The process is grueling, challenging, and exhausting, but nothing worth doing ever comes easy.

The last two weeks have been a grind, but I’ve made it through. Some days, I just have to go through the motions, but it gets me ever closer to my destination.

I know the rest of the world can relate to my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical exhaustion. But we all keep moving forward and doing what we have to do to get where we need to be.

The Saving Humanity Series

Book 4 of my second young adult zombie novel series has been uploaded to Wattpad. This one is entitled Losing Humanity .

As of now, this is the final book in the series. The story isn’t finished, but my ability to write it has been severely diminished. I started book 5 last year, but I have been unable to complete it. I may get back to it in time, but as of now, you can read the four books that are finished for free.

You might notice in the last two that they don’t have the same formatting as the first two. This is because a publisher didn’t format them to conform to their style. This is just how I formatted them to be posted on Wattpad.

I hope you enjoy.