Paul Garrigan's Blog, page 22

Learning to Live with Silence

I do not feel comfortable with silence. I always need to have music or the TV playing in the background – even when I’m reading a book or eating my dinner. It’s completely bonkers, I take my iPad with me to the toilet so I don’t have to deal with even a couple of minutes of silence. It’s strange behavior, and it is only recently that I’ve realized why I’m doing it – I fear the silence because it means being alone with my thoughts and emotions.

My Wife is an Impressive Woman

My wife only listens to music when she is in the mood to listen to music – she only turns the TV on in the evenings when she is ready to sit down and watch it. Oa doesn’t do background noise. I find this concept as difficult to comprehend as I once did people who didn’t like to drink alcohol – weirdoes. My wife is perfectly content to sit in complete silence – I couldn’t be more impressed if she was able to do triple-somersaults around the house.

The other amazing thing about my wife is that in the 10 years we’ve been together, she has never once shown any evidence of self-hated. She isn’t always a happy camper (living with me can’t be easy), but she always appears happy in her own skin. Maybe it’s a cultural thing because I’ve never noticed any of my Thai neighbors show evidence of self-hatred either. There also seems to be a lot less depression here in Thailand– at least among the locals anyway.

I’m convinced there is a direct link between my wife’s ability to sit comfortably in silence, and her lack of self-hatred. Oa doesn’t need lots of distraction because she doesn’t feel at the mercy of her thoughts and emotions.

What Am I Afraid Of?

So what is it that is so scary about the silence? For me, the silence triggers a sense of wrongness – I can feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. It is a bit like turning up at a party to find that there is only one other person there – to make matters worse, this individual is someone I can’t stand being around. In this situation, I might try to make polite conversation, but it is obviously going to be fucking uncomfortable for both of us.

Learning to Deal with the Silence

I used to believe that my meditation practice was helping me to become more in tune with myself. It makes sense that sitting there in silence would be a great solution for somebody who usually needs background noise just to be able to go for a shit. It turns out that meditation can be used as another means of escape from my thoughts and feelings – it took me a long time to realize that this is what I’d been doing. Instead of learning to sit comfortably with myself, I’d been chasing altered sates of consciousness.

For the last few months, I’ve been working on self-compassion. I’m letting go of all the self-hatred and learning to trust myself. It is leading to a remarkable transformation – after all these years, I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. The other day I found myself just sitting in the garden just staring into space – no music, no books, no TV, no distractions. I might have looked like a bit of a nutter to passersby, but it felt so wonderful to be able to sit there like that.

Learn to Trust Yourself and Transform Your Life

Trusting myself to do the right thing means I don’t waste energy on worry and self-hatred. It is all about giving myself the space to do what needs to be done and not sabotaging my own efforts. In this video I discuss the amazing results of offering myself this little bit of trust – you can find the podcast of this episode below.

Press play to listen to the podcast:

Seven Secrets to Long-Term Recovery from Addiction

I gave up alcohol in June 2006. I struggled this addiction for almost two decades, and I’d almost lost all hope of recovery. My new life is such a gift, but it doesn’t always feel that way. I’ve needed to change so much, and all of this change has been a result of pain – what can I say, I’m a slow learner.

It came as a disappointment to find that giving up alcohol didn’t bring an end to my problems – it just meant that I could begin dealing with them. There have been some incredibly tough times, equal to my worst days as a drunk, but I’ve never even considered drinking – that’s a miracle. I’ve learned so much, and I’m sure to have plenty more learning to do in the future. Here are my seven secrets to long-term recovery:

Self-Compassion is the Key to a Good Life

I gave up alcohol, but I continued to abuse myself by allowing self-hatred to control my life. I created unrealistic expectations, and I berated myself for not doing enough. I turned on myself at the worst possible moments, and this led to bouts of depression. I now know that my problem has always been self-hatred – I’d be in prison if I treated other people as badly as I treat myself.

One of my friends was sober five years but still committed suicide. I can never know what was going on inside of his head, but I bet it all boiled down to self-hatred. It is fucking unacceptable that we would treat ourselves so badly – all that self-criticism and bullying is bullshit. I’ve never met an addict who wasn’t full of self-hatred. If you want to have any chance of a better life, you need to stop that shit. This is not about becoming some type of narcissist – you just need to offer yourself the same level of compassion as you would want to give to a good friend.

There is Only One Right Way to Recover from Addiction

I do my best to advise people, but the only thing of value I can share is my own experience – what works for me might be poison for you. The problem is that there is only one right way to recover from addiction, but it is not the same for everyone. I needed to find what worked for me. If you want to build a good life away from alcohol, you need to find out what works for you. Learning from the experience of people we admire can be a help, but we still need to find our own way.

Don’t Take Life Too Seriously

I don’t believe anyone truly knows what life is all about. It’s a huge mystery and all beliefs are just our best guesses. I try not to judge the beliefs of other people, but I make a mistake when I take my own beliefs too seriously. I’ve found it is much better to approach life with the mind of a child – treat it like a great adventure and don’t allow my own bullshit to stink things up too much. I also found out the hard way that I don’t need to prove other people wrong in order for me to be right.

Stop Trying to Fix What Isn’t Broken

I turned to alcohol because I couldn’t handle my feelings. I wrongly believed that feeling bad was wrong, and I should do whatever possible to avoid this. Drinking made me numb to the bad feelings, but it also meant that I felt numb to the positive feelings as well. Even after I became sober, I continued to resist feeling bad, and this led to further pain. It took me a long time to realize that negative feelings are just part of life, and they are not that big a deal – it was my resistance to these feelings that caused my suffering.

If you want to enjoy a good life away from alcohol, you need to be willing to face your feelings. This is hard in the beginning because we have been programmed to associate these bad feelings with something being wrong – our urge is to reach for some type of fix. If you sit with these bad feelings (this is a great time to practice self-compassion), they usually don’t last long, you find there is still inner-peace despite your low mood.

Trust Your Intuition

I didn’t stop drinking because I was an alcoholic – I stopped drinking because I didn’t want to be an alcoholic any longer. There was this inner-voice that kept insisting that life could be better – it was like there was an alarm bell constantly ringing in my head. I call this inner-voice my intuition, and it has consistently guided me towards a better way of living – every time I ignore this voice, I suffer.

Your intuition is your bullshit detector – you may fool other people, but you can never fool this inner source of wisdom. Even when you were in the depths of addiction denial, this voice was there pissing on your parade. You need to learn to trust this voice because it holds the secret to your happiness.

Understand That You Are Already Enough

It’s always nice to have goals and dreams, but it is a mistake to pin your self-worth too much on these future targets. I went from being a hopeless drunk to a self-improvement nut, and it took me a long time to understand that both of these approaches were eerily similar – I was acting on the belief that I’m broken and need something to fix me.

You are already a worthwhile human. You don’t have to become a different person in order to find happiness – that’s just a path to further suffering. You are already enough, and it is the failure to realize this that drives the self-hatred. Real self-improvement is not about changing who you are – it is allowing the real you to blossom.

Always be Willing to Change Course in Recovery

The most wonderful things that have happened to me since getting sober have all been completely unexpected. My life would have been far less satisfying if things had worked out as I planned. It is important to not get too hung up on where you expect your life to go – so long as you enjoy life, you are moving in the right direction. It is good to have a path to follow, but we need to be willing to change direction when the need arises.

The Seven Secrets to Long-Term Recovery

• Stop beating yourself up – show yourself the same level of compassion as you would offer a good friend

• Find what works for you – the ‘one size fits all’ approach to recovery doesn’t work

• Stop treating life like a test you must pass – don’t take things so seriously

• Stop running away from your feelings – it is this that is causing your suffering

• Learn to trust your intuition

• Understand that you are already enough – the goal of life is not to become somebody else but to find yourself

• Don’t expect the future to turn out as planned – life would be boring if it did.

Wonderful Afternoon at Khao Khitchakut National Park, Chanthaburi

We decided to go to Khao Khitchakut (เขาคิชฌกูฏ) about ten minutes before we got into the car. Timmy was off school last Thursday because of Teacher’s Day, and I wanted to get away from the computer. Oa gets annoyed with my habit of springing these trips on her at the last minute, but she didn’t mind this time because she’d heard some positive reviews about the mountain – many Thai people believe climbing up to the temple on Khao Khitchakut brings good luck.

Khao Khitchakut Rollercoaster Ride

It took us just over an hour to drive from Rayong to Khao Khitchakut. There are kiosks at the entrance to the park, but there was no admission fee – at least on Thursday. We had to leave the car outside in a car-park and pay 50 THB each (Timmy rode free) to enter the park in a pickup truck. I thought this might be a bit of a scam until I saw the roads – there is no way I would have made it up the mountain in a car.

The ride up in a pick-up started out fun, but it became a bit of an ordeal. We were alll were smiling for the first couple of minutes of steep climbs and crazy turns on a dirt-track – even Timmy enjoyed it – but after about five minutes everyone was looking a bit ill and worried.

I felt relieved when the pick-up reached a clearing where there were a few buildings. I thought we’d made it, but it turns out we were only half-way to our destination. We needed to change pick-ups and pay another 50 THB each. This seemed a bit unfair until I considered how much damage these trips must do the pick-up trucks – it would be much worse if the same vehicle had to go all the way from the bottom to the top. The second-half of the journey was even more hair-raising than the first – especially when we needed to pass other vehicles coming in the opposite direction.

Khao Khitchakut Temple

It is a 1 km climb from where the pick-ups dropped us off to Khao Khitchakut Temple –it took us half an hour to walk it. It’s a nice hike with steps for the steepest parts. Timmy is six years old, but he was easily able to manage it alone. There are bells along some patches of the walk, and making them all ring with the help of a coin is a way to make merit. The only disappointing thing was there weren’t any views of the world below on the way up because there were too many trees, but it was nice to have so much shade from the sun. The highest point of Khao Khitchakut is only 1,085 meters (3,560 feet), but it felt much higher because we were coming from sea-level.

We could hear people chanting at Khao Khitchakut temple long before we got there. It added a nice transcendental quality to the walk. When we got there, we found hundreds of people sitting around most of them listening to a monk give a sermon. It felt crowded but apparently it gets much busier on the weekends during February and March. There were a couple of stalls selling fruits and snacks at an inflated price. The temple itself is really just a covered area where the monks can sit in the shade.

Once we got passed the crowds there was a short climb to a man-made balcony that offered an excellent view of the temple and local scenery. It was a bit cloudy, so we couldn’t see too far.

Strange Rocks on Khao Khitchakut

We decided to keep on walking, and we followed a path leading towards an area called Paa Deang – it is given this name because it is traditional to take a piece of red cloth there for good luck. We found a stall selling red strips of cloth, and we paid 20 THB for one piece.

It is another 1 km walk (mostly uphill) to Paa Daeng, and there are some nice scenic points along the way with lots of Buddha statues on display – often in the most unexpected places. Khitchakut is famous for its strange standing rocks that are named after objects they sort of look like – one of them did sort of remind me of giant whale diving out of the water. We saw lots of people who were camping in the woods, and this looked great fun.

We ended up spending about five hours on Khao Khitchakut. We all enjoyed it, and we are planning to go back again soon. I think it would be much better to arrive early in the morning and spend the whole day here – or better yet, bring a tent and stay overnight.

View Khao Khitchakut District in a larger map

Alcohol Numbness Costs Too Much

It wasn’t the way that alcohol made me felt that attracted me, but the fact that it numbed my ability to feel. This ability to take the edge off life felt wonderful in the beginning, but it also sucked all the joy out of my life. In this video I discuss how the numbness of alcohol costs too much – you’ll find the podcast edition of this episode below.

Press play to listen to the podcast:

I’m So Miserable Looking – How to Deal with Miserable Face Syndrome

I’ve only recently discovered I suffer from a debilitating condition known as miserable-face syndrome. If you saw me on the street, you would probably assume I’m unfriendly or just recently bereaved. This horrible affliction means I need to force myself to smile as much as possible – it’s no fun, I can tell you.

How Other People See Me

I think most of us would be at least a bit appalled if we could see ourselves as other people see us. I like to imagine myself as a friendly guy with a twinkle in his eye, but the reality is much different. I look miserable most of the time, and it is only getting worse as I get older. When I’m not smiling, it looks like I’m leading a funeral procession.

I’ve always had a problem hiding my feelings. Passive-aggression used to be my default tool for dealing with people who got on my bad side, but I have a dismal record with this technique because you only have to look at my face to tell I’m pissed off. This inability to hide my feelings probably explains my poor social skills.

Perhaps all of those years of expressing my emotions so visibly on my face has led to permanent deformity. All of that frowning has changed the muscle structure so my default facial expression is looking pissed off. Maybe this is all a nasty side-effect of listening so much to the likes of Nick Drake, Nirvana, the Pixies, the Smiths, and Joy Division.

I think looking a bit pissed off in your late-teens and early-twenties isn’t such a bad thing – it can make you appear edgy and mysterious. It’s only really in middle-age when miserable-face syndrome becomes a serious liability. I suppose it’s like listening to loud music – fantastic when you’re young but an unpleasant necessity as you get older.

Common Symptoms of Miserable-Face Syndrome

Miserable-face syndrome is particularly nasty because it can go undetected for so long. The problem is most other people are just going to assume you are miserable. Some of the most common warning signs you might be dealing with this condition would include:

• People offer you their condolences for no obvious reason

• Babies cry when they are brought near you

• You have a history of listening to music such as the Smiths, Nick Drake, Joy Division, etc.

• Your facial muscles start to ache or cramp if you smile for more than one minute

• Most people you meet seem to be in a bad mood (this is because they are reacting to your gloomy face)

How to Deal with Miserable-Face Syndrome

I’m not a doctor so you might want to get a medical check-up if you are not used to smiling. Here are my suggestions for dealing with miserable-face syndrome:

• Ask a trusted friend to secretly film you so you can judge the seriousness of your problem

• Practice smiling in front of the mirror – start off with 10 seconds and build up to longer durations of time

• Use a tablet or smart phone alarm app to remind you to regularly smile

• Listen to upbeat music

• Always speak positively to reassure people you meet you are not suicidal

I’m Not Miserable – I’m Just Resting My Facial Muscles

I do my best to smile as much as possible these days, but it is hard work – I just don’t have the facial muscles for it. If you do meet me one day, please don’t mistake my frown for a miserable existence – the most likely explanation is that I’m just resting my facial muscles.

Are the Dutch Right to Pay Alcoholics in Beer?

I didn’t stop drinking because I was a drunk – I quit because I no longer wanted to be one. But what about those people who say they don’t want to escape addiction. Do they still deserve help if they are not willing to change? Is it ever right to enable their behavior?

The Drunken Refuge Collectors of Amsterdam (great name for a band)

There is an article on BBC News website today about how alcoholics in Amsterdam are being offered beer in exchange for collecting litter. This project is organized by the Rainbow Group, and it is funded by the Dutch government.

This booze-for-litter scheme (not an official name – I just made it up) is targeted at homeless chronic-alcoholics in Amsterdam. These guys work for a few hours collecting litter in the local parks and in exchange they are given beer, food, and cigarettes. The goal of this project is not to get these people to stop drinking, but to help them enjoy a better quality of life.

Giving beer to alcoholics in exchange for work does seem to be having a positive impact. It means that these people feel like they are making a positive contribution to their community. The scheme also seems to have led to a reduction in crime in the local area.

The Ethics of Harm Reduction

Harm reduction is based on the idea that some improvement is better than no improvement. If people are going to abuse alcohol anyway, shouldn’t they be encouraged to do so in the safest way possible? If chronic-alcoholics are given the right type of help, it gives them a better quality of life and the chance to live a bit longer.

Critics of harm reduction see it as a form of enabling. This is because by improving the quality of life for alcoholics, it prevents them from hitting rock bottom. Proponents of this view might say that it is justifiable to watch alcoholics suffer because it is a type of medicine.

The problem is the rock bottom for many of these people is a miserable death. I don’t believe in ‘hopeless cases’, but I’ve met plenty of alcoholics who have no interest in giving up drinking. These were individuals who understood the consequences of their behavior but still wanted to carry on regardless.

Should Alcoholics Have a Better Quality of Life

I managed to escape alcoholism because I didn’t want to be a drunk any longer. It wasn’t the mental and physical pain that made me want to quit, and it wasn’t guilt about how my behavior impacted other people – that just made me want to drink even more. I developed the motivation to quit because I briefly experienced a better quality of life, and I wanted more of it.

This project in Amsterdam isn’t designed to promote abstinence, but it does sound like it is increasing the participant’s self-esteem. By improving the quality of life of these people, it could encourage them to want even more.

When I read the headline on the BBC website, my initial response was to feel cynical about this project. I want these people to be helped to give up alcohol and not encouraged to continue as they are. The problem is this way of looking at things is naive. There are people out there who are never going to quit alcohol, and these harm reduction projects can improve their quality of life.

Going Vegan for the New Year

My New Year’s resolution for 2014 is to give up meat and dairy products. I’m going to try being a vegan for one year. I’ll monitor how this change in diet impacts my physical and mental health. If I still feel it is a good idea at the end of the 12-months, I’ll continue with it.

Why Do I Want to be a Vegan?

I’m attracted to the vegan diet for ethical as well as health reasons. I just don’t feel comfortable with eating animals – especially if it is possible for me to live a healthy life without doing so. I see this as a personal decision. I’ve no interest in preaching to other people about the ‘rights and wrongs’ of eating meat – I’m not doing this to feel morally superior. I do intend to add some posts on here about my experiences with this diet, but I’ll focus more on the health aspects rather than the ethics.

I am expecting this change to a vegan diet to have a positive impact on my mental and physical health. Some of the improvements I’m anticipating include:

• Increase in my energy levels (this has been my experience with the vegetarian diet)

• I expect to lose weight steadily over the next year without any real effort

• Improved mental clarity and better concentration

• Improvements to my mood

• I expect a decrease in my risk for developing certain diseases such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and certain cancers

• I suffer from frequent but mild abdominal discomfort that could be due to lactose intolerance (self-diagnosis). I’m hoping that the vegan diet will help with this.

Adapting to the Vegan Diet

I’ve managed to stick to a vegetarian diet in the past – the longest I’ve gone is about four years. I already eat a few vegan dishes, and I’ve used soy milk for coffee and cereal before. So far the transition to a vegan diet has been smooth – I already feel a bit better for it.

The Willingness to be Vulnerable in Sobriety

I can only be loved to the extent that I’m willing to risk being hurt.

In this video, I discuss the need to become vulnerable in order to enjoy a sense of well-being and happiness. If I put up barriers, it may protect me from short-term pain, but it also prevents me from experiencing the real joy of life.

Press play to watch the video

Recovering From Writer’s Block and Freelance Burnout

I’m usually a bit skeptical when I hear people talking about ‘writer’s block’. I’ve been knocking out an average of 4,000 words per day since turning full-time as a writer four years ago. There have been days when I’ve felt too lazy to write, but it seems a bit disingenuous to use a fancy name to describe these periods of not wanting to work. You don’t hear nurses claiming they have ‘nurse’s block’ or fire fighters moaning about ‘fire-fighter’s block’ when these professionals are in the mood to take things easy.

More to Writer’s Block than Laziness?

It is only in the last few weeks that I’ve come to appreciate that there may be more to ‘writer’s block’ than just a fancy name for laziness. I’ve had a few days recently where writing has felt like pure torture – even responding to an email or replying to a Facebook comment has been hard work. I’ve managed to still meet my work commitments, but it is taking my twice as long to get things done, and it has been a real battle with my brain.

This recent struggle with writing does not seem to be connected to motivation. I’ve no problem sitting down in front of the computer, but it is like my mind won’t cooperate – I can’t concentrate and the words don’t come. If I try to force myself to write, I start to feel physically ill. It’s been a scary time, and I’ve had to seriously consider the possiblity that I might need to give up writing completely.

Freelance Writing Burnout

It is pretty obvious that this period of ‘writer’s block’ is a symptom of burnout. I’ve been pushing myself too hard and my brain has started to rebel. I hardly ever take a full-day away from the computer, and I haven’t had a real holiday since I began freelancing four years ago. I’m also very bad when it comes to taking regular breaks when I’m working.

Forcing myself to work when feeling like this only makes the situation worse, so I’ve decided to be kind to myself instead. I can’t really afford to, this could not have happened at a worse time, but I’ve temporarily reduced the amount of work I’m taking on from clients, and I’m going to take a few days away from the computer over the Christmas period. I’ve gone back to using the pomodoro technique – this means that I only work in 25 minute slots. I’m only going to write blog posts as I feel like it – I’m not going to feel guilty about not posting.

This episode of writer’s block appears to be resolving, but it has been a bit of a wake-up call. I need to take better care of myself – if I don’t make time to relax, may brain will take action so that I have to rest. In future, I’ll be a bit more understanding when I hear other people complaining about writer’s block.