Paul Garrigan's Blog, page 12

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Bearing Witness to a 5 Year Old Being Tortured By His Father

There is a disturbing video of a 5 year old being basically tortured by his father doing the rounds here in Thailand – at one point the parent is shaking the kid by his neck. It is absolutely horrifying to watch. Apparently, the mother posted the video to Facebook (as a cry for help?), and it stirred up sufficient social media outrage to get the father arrested and charged. It has been reported in the Thai news that the little boy is physically okay and he is now receiving counseling.

In the past, my way of dealing with such disturbing examples of suffering in the world would have been to try my best to ignore it. A video like this would just have been far too upsetting for me to watch. I once believed such sensitivity around other people’s suffering was proof that I’m a basically a ‘nice person’, but I now see it as proof that I’ve been overly self-centered and lacking in compassion.

The word ‘compassion’ means to ‘be with suffering’ – it can refer to our own suffering or the suffering of other people. We choose to be with it because otherwise nothing gets resolved. In fact, the things we do to avoid this suffering (e.g. trying to numb ourselves with alcohol or drugs) only makes things worse for us in the long run.

I watched the video of the little boy being beaten by his dad yesterday, and it has been playing on my mind ever since. My initial reaction was to want to hurt the father – it is so much easier to feel anger at the aggressor than it is to think about how horrible it must have been for the victim. What I really wanted was for the child to be okay – I wanted him to have a dad who loved him (it felt unbearably unfair that my son has this, yet this poor chap doesn’t).

It is easy to feel compassion for the 5 year old boy but what about the father? Is he just human garbage who needs to be recycled? I remember one time when my son was a baby, and he wouldn’t stop crying. I felt so stressed and hopeless, and I started getting angry with him. I wanted to give him a good shake just to get him to stop crying. I feel ashamed of this memory, I love my son more than anything in the world, and I would obviously never do anything to hurt him, but maybe the same anger that made that dad behave like he did is inside me too – the only difference is I’m able to control it.

There is so much bad stuff happening in the world that we can just become numb to it. What else can we do? It’s not like making ourselves feel bad about this endless stream of horrors helps anyone. Aren’t we better off just focusing on our own happiness and trying to avoid hurting those closest to us? The problem with this way of thinking is it means turning our back on other people’s suffering, and I believe we pay a heavy emotional cost when we choose to do this because it involves closing our hearts.

“The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world”

Paul Farmer

The cynic might claim spending time thinking about the suffering of a stranger is morbid and unhealthy. I don’t agree with this. This compassion triggers an urge in me to be kind – this then leads to the willingness to help other people. This work is vital because if too many of us turn away, there will be nobody there to help 5 year old kids who have abusive dads.

The joy of Being the Least Important Person in the Room

There is a great joy that comes from thinking of myself as the least important person in the room. It makes it easier for me to divert my attention away from the discursive thinking so I can focus more on other people. In the following video, I discuss this way of being with others in more detail.

Press play to watch.

Enough Compassion to Face the Hatred in Our Own Brains

Now that I can see how quickly fear can fill my brain with hate and anger, it has made it easier for me to feel compassion for those who are full of hate and anger. In this video and podcast, I discuss how opening up to the hatred inside myself has helped me to become more compassionate and happy.

Press play to watch the video, you will find the podcast of this edition below.

Press play to listen to the podcast

What if the Solution to Addiction is Focusing Less on Ourselves ?

The more my attention is directed outward, away from the stories in my head, the more at ease I feel in the world. All I get from incessantly thinking (or talking) about my problems, my opinions, my hurts, or my past is increased suffering, but when I can just let go of all that stuff, and focus on what is right in front of me, I’m immediately at peace.

The suggestion that love is the answer may sound like hippy-dippy nonsense, but does this mean it is not true? What if the Beatles were right when they sang ‘all you need is love’, and it’s just our superficial understanding of love that is the problem? What if love just means being so fascinated with something beyond our internal stories that we are able to give this thing our full-attention?

One of my clients recently told me about her unconditional love for kittens. Even on her bad days, she can easily become engrossed in the antics of a small cat –and when she does this, her attention is away from the internal stories that were making her miserable. I suggested that expanding this loving attention to other things would lead to great improvements in her life.

I remember as a young child being fascinated by everything – the world was like one huge adventure park and even simple things like a slug on the road could completely capture my attention. As I got older, I began to become less fascinated by external things (I developed a ‘been there, done that’ attitude) and instead became more focused on the chatter in my head. I don’t think it is any coincidence that the more I did this, the more miserable I became.

All of the improvements in my life have been as a direct result of switching my focus away from thoughts of ‘me, me, me’. Practicing loving-kindness meditation has made it possible for me to once again experience the world through the eyes of a child. It is such a wonderful gift – it is like waking up in paradise.

“Let me keep my distance, always, from those who think they have the answers. Let me keep company always with those who say “Look!” and laugh in astonishment, and bow their heads. ”

Mary Oliver

The worst thing about life is not that we get ill, become depressed, get old, and die but that we can be so indifferent to this amazing experience. Perhaps the real reason we fall into addiction is we have lost the ability to look beyond ourselves and say ‘wow’.

Develop Self-Compassion for Real Recovery from Addiction

“…self-compassion is all about transforming myself into a ‘low-maintenance’ human. Those of us who fall into addiction are ‘high-maintenance’ people because just staying afloat in life requires so much of our inner-resources.”

I’m putting together an eBook for people interested in using mindfulness to overcome addiction problems. I’ll share the chapters on here as I write them. Here is part ten in the series – you will find links to earlier posts at the end of this one.

It is our tendency to run away from discomfort rather than towards it that is the real driving force behind addiction. It is the thought ‘I can’t deal with this’ that makes alcohol and drugs such an attractive proposition. The Vietnamese monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, once described our discomforts as being like little infants in need of our attention – the problem is that most of us habitually fail to offer soothing to our pain and instead try to ignore it or avoid it.

We search the world looking for someone or something to fix our pain not realizing that the solution must come from us. Learning to soothe our own pain is a vital skill if we hope to develop serenity –it is our baby who is crying, and it is our duty to attend to these cries.

Self-Compassion Requires Acceptance and Kindness

If we are in pain, it is the wrong time to engage in any self-loathing or self-recrimination – this will just make us feel worse so we are unable to cope and more likely to run away. We also need to avoid entertaining thoughts such as ‘it shouldn’t be like this’ because it is what is. Effectively dealing with our discomfort requires acceptance and kindness.

Acceptance is sometimes misunderstood as a fatalistic attitude towards life where you don’t do anything to improve your situation. The acceptance we are talking about here only applies to those things that can’t be changed – i.e. things that have already happened.

If I’m feeling sad at the moment, it would be illogical for me to think ‘I shouldn’t be feeling this way’, yet this has been my response to negative emotions for years. Sure, I can do things to improve my mood, but there is nothing I can do to change the way I’m feeling right now – it is what it is. My best response is to accept it as the current condition of my brain with the understanding that it is only temporary. I definitely don’t need to feel bad about feeling bad, as this will just make me feel worse.

The most basic way we can show kindness to our suffering is to give it our attention. By sitting with this discomfort, rather than struggling against it, we get to see that it isn’t such a big deal. Our stories about our pain are always much worse than the actual pain itself.

I used to suffer from bouts of depression every few months and these continued even after I quit drinking until a couple of years ago. These episodes would last few days and my response to them was to hide away from the world in my bed. The first time I suffered from depression was back in my early twenties when it was induced by alcohol and amphetamine abuse. Somehow along the way, I started to associate depression with low mood, and this meant that experiencing low mood could be enough to send me into a downward spiral into depression.

I remember it was a Sunday afternoon, sitting in my garden here in Rayong, when the dreaded low mood hit me again. I felt so fed up with these episodes of depression, and it was happening so often it was impacting my ability to provide for my family. I decided to just sit with the low mood – something that should have been obvious for me to do before after years practicing mindfulness.

My usual reaction to low-mood was revulsion but on that Sunday I approached it with curiosity and kindness – I wanted to know what this low mood was all about. I noticed that there was a feeling of low energy in my body and an overall sense of sadness, but there was nothing there that was worthy of my previous resistance. I sat with this low mood for less than an hour before it disappeared (I wasn’t trying to make it disappear because I didn’t mind it any longer), and I now have no problem experiencing low mood or sadness.

Won’t Self-Compassion Increase Self-Absorption?

I used to cringe at the mere mention of self-compassion – it sounded so selfish and hippy-dippy. If the path of mindful recovery requires less of an obsessions with self, surely self-compassion is a step in the wrong direction?

I now understand self-compassion is all about transforming myself into a ‘low-maintenance’ human. Those of us who fall into addiction are ‘high-maintenance’ people because just staying afloat in life requires so much of our inner-resources. There is all this stuff we need to do to protect ourselves from the world, and it is this that drives our self-obsession.

The saddest thing is it requires far more effort to avoid our pain than it does to face it. Those things we don’t want to face are never dealt with, just brushed under the carpet, and maintaining this state of denial becomes a full-time occupation. We keep ourselves ‘safe’ by building a fortress around ourselves never realizing we have put ourselves in prison run by a brutal guard (our self-hatred).

Self-compassion reduces our self-absorption by giving us the ability to soothe our discomforts instead of hiding from them. We become like fearless firefighters – whenever we a fire, we run towards it with our extinguishers on full-blast. Pain is dealt with as it arises, and there is no longer a need for us to be in a constant state of siege. The job of staying afloat in life now requires far less effort as we start to open up to the world.

How Developing Self-Compassion Improves Our Relationships with Other People

The way we respond to the suffering of others can provide insight into our habitual responses to our own pain. If we feel uncomfortable in conversations where people are discussing their emotional pain, it’s probably because we have the same attitude towards our own suffering. We may believe these ‘cry babies’ should ‘just snap out of it’ because this is the ineffective response we offer to our own inner discomfort.

By learning to soothe our own pain, it greatly increases our ability to empathize with other people. We begin to realize that we are all in the same boat – we are all doing our best to get by even when our best is pretty diabolical. We’ve done unhealthy things in an attempt to escape our own pain, so we can better understand when other people do the same. Ultimately, self-compassion is the path towards compassion for all living beings.

Other Posts in This Series

Part 1- The Mindful Path from Addiction to Serenity

Part 2 – Why Mindfulness Makes the Perfect Replacement for Addiction

Part 3 – How Mindfulness Works

Part 4 – Mindfulness versus Addiction Cravings

Part 5 – Mindfulness for the Ups and Downs in Recovery – Part 1

Part 6 – Mindfulness for the Ups and Downs in Recovery – Part 2

Part 7 – How to Mindfully Find Your Life Purpose – Part 1

Part 8 – How to Mindfully Find Your Life Purpose – Part 2

Part 9 – Mindfulness with Compassion is Where the Real Magic Starts to Happen

Learning Thai with Mindfulness and Kindness

How could I ever hope to speak Thai fluently when my reaction to somebody talking to me in this language was to feel like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car?

It is now exactly one year since my Thai fluency challenge, so maybe this is a good time for an update (thanks to Harri Terminus for encouraging me to do this post). I’ve also been meaning to write something about how a change in mindset has had a profound impact on my progress, so what follows provides me with an opportunity to delve into this as well.

Learning Thai Didn’t Need to Be a Challenge

Last year, I committed myself to a six-month period of intensively studying the Thai language – this came after about 14 years of yo-yo learning (i.e. a couple of days or weeks of intensive study followed by months of feeling bad about not studying). During the challenge, I was studying up to six hours per day and restricting all entertainment (TV, movies, music, and books) to the Thai language. I used the word ‘challenge’ in the beginning because it did seem like a bit of a sacrifice, but the surprising thing was actually doing it was so much fun – it didn’t feel like much of a challenge at all.

So what happened after my six-month challenge? Have I returned to yo-yo learning? Was that six months just a blip in an otherwise perfect record of learning Thai the wrong way?

That period of intensive study gave me a solid foundation in my push towards fluency in Thai (I was so fortunate to benefit from the knowledge and wisdom of kind people like Stuart Jay Raj), but I suspect I’ve actually made more progress during the last six months. That period of intensive learning gave my studies some much needed momentum, but there has also been more recently a significant shift in my mindset towards learning Thai and speaking it that has given me a a real boost.

The Real Challenge of Learning Thai

I could comprehend written Thai reasonably well before I began the challenge, but my main problem has been speaking the language. I can get incredibly uncomfortable in social situations – my inner negative dialogue (which is in English) can make speaking in a foreign tongue almost impossible. The exception to this was during my early years of living in Thailand when I was drunk most of the time -back then I could happily chat with my Thai neighbors for hours despite my inebriation seriously limiting my ability to make progress with the language (it was more a case of them learning to understand me).

I used to worry only charismatic extroverts have the ability to speak a language like Thai fluently. As beginners who are finding their feet in the language, these guys don’t get so discouraged by the blank stares of Thai people who can’t understand them. Their confidence combined with their need to be understood gives them the motivation to just keep ploughing through until they are understood. How could I compete with that? How could I ever hope to speak Thai fluently when my reaction to somebody talking to me in this language was to feel like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car?

I am convinced mindset is hugely important when it comes to making progress in Thai, but this mindset is something we can adopt rather than it being limited to a special group of people. There is hope for those of us who are not naturally charismatic or extroverted, and for me the answer has been mindfulness.

What the Hell Does Mindfulness Have to Do with Learning Thai?

A few years ago, I wrote a post on the A Woman Learning Thai website titled ‘How Mindfulness Can Help You Learn Thai’. This approach to the dealing with the mind has been a powerful force for good in my life, and it certainly seemed to offer obvious advantages for studying a language. It is only in recent months that I’ve been able to fully appreciate how revolutionary this mindset can be when it comes to speaking Thai.

For some of us, even speaking in our own language can be stressful and unsatisfying. My mind likes to provide an unhelpful running-commentary while I’m engaging in conversation (e.g. “you sound stupid”, “you’re talking too much” or “you’re talking too little”). Too often, I’ve walked away from these encounters wishing I hadn’t opened my mouth at all. This process is intensified ever further if I’m speaking in a foreign language and the person is obviously struggling to understand me – it’s hardly any wonder that I developed a reluctance to speaking Thai.

Mindfulness is all about remembering to put my attention where it is going to be most useful at any given moment. It is an acknowledgement that what I’m focusing on is worthy and deserving of my full attention. This usually means concentrating on what is actually before me rather than getting trapped in the stories in my head.

What I’m alluding to is easier to understand if you experience it so let’s do a little experiment. Place you hand on surface and focus your attention on the sensation in the hand. I want to keep your focus on this sensation and try to think at the same time. My guess is that you will notice your attention flipping from one to the other – i.e. you can’t stay focused on what is there and think about it at the exact same time.

My difficulties around speaking Thai are because my attention has been directed more towards my thoughts about what is happening rather than what is happening. I’m not fully engaged in the conversation – it’s more like a sideshow instead of the main event. I’m so caught up in discursive thinking that I don’t actually care about what the other person is saying. I’m so focused on my fear of being judged and ridiculed that every word I utter is like a minute with my head stuck out of the trenches with somebody just waiting to shoot me.

One of the keys to understanding what people are saying is to care about what they are saying. My progress with the language was seriously restricted because I just didn’t care enough. This wasn’t a mindset I deliberately set out to cultivate – it was just an ineffective coping strategy that I picked up along the way to protect my self-esteem.

If I really care about what the other person is saying, I can give them my full attention. It means I’m not going to be caught up in my thoughts because I can’t do that and remain focused on the conversation (see the experiment above). This is what mindfulness is all about. I then reply to this person out of a human urge to communicate rather than it being viewed as some type of test I’m expecting to fail.

Mindfulness as Kindness

Mindfulness can be described as a type of kindness – in order to be kind to something, I need to give it my full attention. I’m saying this thing deserves my attention. Most spiritual traditions encourage us to be kind to other people, but we can also develop this same feeling of compassion towards life in general. Compassion is excellent for triggering a high degree of focused concentration, and this can be very useful when it comes to learning a language.

I’m listening to Thai in a different way than I used to before. I once believed all that was needed to make progress was to bombard myself with a steady stream of words, but this approach turned out to be ineffective. I’ve been listening to Thai for 15 years (I have Thai music playing the background most of the time), but it hasn’t been enough to ensure progress. The secret is to give my full attention to whatever is being said by developing a love for the sounds and yearning to understand their meaning.

So Where am I at Now?

I still devote about two hours per day deliberately learning Thai, but I spend more time than that just enjoying the language. Reading Thai out loud has been a great help, and I do this for about 20 minutes per day (I uses sources like the Pantip forum for things to read). I had decided to not bother with any more paid language learning courses, but I have found great value in the Spicy Red podcast. I spend about 10 hours plus in the car each week, and I use this to listen to Thai talks about mindfulness and related topics.

A couple of months ago, I was asked to give a presentation about mindfulness in Thai to a group of nurses, therapists, and doctors. I’ve given similar presentations in the past, but I’ve always depended on a translator. I talked for about 20 minutes – at times I was speaking way too fast – but I’m so glad I did it. Giving this presentation rose the bar in regards to my own expectations as to what is possible.

Why Compassion is a Key Ingredient of Mindfulness

Developing some self-compassion is vital if we want to make progress with mindfulness. Failure to do so means we won’t feel comfortable in our own skin and therefore we won’t feel comfortable in the present moment. I used to teach loving-kindness as an additional technique to mindfulness but I now see it is a key ingredient. In this video and podcast, I explain why this is the case.

Press play to watch the video and you will find the podcast of this episode below:

Press play to listen to the podcast

Mindfulness with Compassion is Where the Real Magic Starts to Happen

I’m putting together an eBook for people interested in using mindfulness to overcome addiction problems. I’ll share the chapters on here as I write them. Here is part nine in the series – you will find links to earlier posts at the end of this one.

Did you ever consider the possibility you spend way too much time focused on yourself? I remember feeling offended when a therapist asked me this question – how dare she – but it wasn’t until I started getting over my obsession with self that I could move my life in a better direction.

The words ‘self-obsession’ and ‘narcissism’ are often used interchangeably, but they are not necessarily the same thing. For many of us addicts, self-obsession is fueled by self-hatred rather than self-love. It is our sense of being damaged goods that keeps pulling our focus inward and it is this that cuts us off from other people.

As a young child, I had an open and trusting nature, but as I got older, it felt necessary to create barriers to protect myself from the bad stuff. It meant that by the time I reached adulthood, I didn’t feel close to anyone – even those who I claimed to love.

My efforts to protect myself came at a huge cost because the truth is we can only experience love to the extent that we are willing to risk being hurt. The barriers I created to protect myself pushed other people away and imprisoned me in the limited world of self-obsession. The saddest part looking back is I didn’t even realize how much of the good stuff in life I had forsaken.

The Miracle of Thinking about Other People

The therapist who suggested I might be a tad self-obsessed talked me into doing some voluntary work. At the time, I was living in a dry house (second-stage rehab) in London. I’d been sober five months, but I’d become stuck, and it seemed like only a matter of time before I would relapse.

I began spending time with a local lad who had profound learning difficulties – I would push his wheelchair around Catford Park or take him to Pizza Hut. Paul shared the same name as me, and we were both the same age, but compared to the challenges he faced in his life, mine was a picnic.

I remember the first time I returned to the dry house after visiting Paul. The other guys kept asking me “what the fuck happened to you?” I was visibly beaming, and it was obvious to everyone that something had shifted inside me. Those two hours of thinking about another person had benefited me more than six months of intensive therapy.

I now know the secret to mental well-being is thinking less about myself and more about other people. In fact, my level of self-obsession is an accurate barometer of my how well I am doing in life. If I’m spending more time worrying about other people, it means I’m doing great.

Mindfulness and Compassion

“Compassion and kindness towards oneself are intrinsically woven into it. You could think of mindfulness as wise and affectionate attention.”

Jon Kabat-Zinn

Self-obsession is one of the most powerful forces behind mindless behavior. It means more attention is given to the stories inside of my head rather than what is actually happening in this moment. It is like being in a relationship where we ignore the other person – the universe doesn’t seem to like being ignored, and it kicks our ass for doing it.

Some people associate being mindful with a cold and artificial relationship with life – as if the goal is for us to transform into Mr. Spock from Star Trek. This is not my perception of being mindful. I approach this moment from a place of curiosity, wonder, and compassion. Observing this wonderful experience called life with an uncaring attitude would not be progress for me – it is what I tried to do with alcohol.

The great benefit of mindfulness is it greatly improves our ability to be compassionate towards ourselves and other people. It is doubtful that anyone reading this is a psychopath, and the ill-will we have developed towards ourselves and others is generated by fear – we don’t want to be hurt again. Mindfulness allows us to see these defenses are unnecessary and that the inner-ease we have so long yearned has always been there waiting for us.

Socrates famously proclaimed that an unexamined life is not worth living. Perhaps he was right, but it is compassion and not our ability to think deeply about our problems that is going to allow us to develop serenity. It sounds like a cliché, but I doubt many people spend their last moments of life wishing they had spent more times obsessing about themselves.

Check back soon for the next post in this series – How to Develop Self-Compassion and Improve Our Relationships

Other Posts in This Series

Part 1- The Mindful Path from Addiction to Serenity

Part 2 – Why Mindfulness Makes the Perfect Replacement for Addiction

Part 3 – How Mindfulness Works

Part 4 – Mindfulness versus Addiction Cravings

Part 5 – Mindfulness for the Ups and Downs in Recovery – Part 1

Part 6 – Mindfulness for the Ups and Downs in Recovery – Part 2

Part 7 – How to Mindfully Find Your Life Purpose – Part 1

Part 8 – How to Mindfully Find Your Life Purpose – Part 2

Legit Mindfulness Rehab Program in Thailand

It is now six months since I began working at Hope Rehab Thailand as a mindfulness coach. I’m proud of the program we have created there, and it’s exciting to be part of a team that appreciates the potential of mindfulness as a recovery tool.

A Mindfulness Rehab Program for Everyone? – Well… Almost

Mindfulness has been my main recovery tool since giving up alcohol almost nine years ago. By the end of my drinking, I just wanted the pain to stop, but my life has improved in ways I couldn’t have even have imagined back then. I now experience a steady sense of inner-okayness (this doesn’t mean I’m happy all the time) that I once believed could only be found at the bottom of a bottle. Mindfulness has played a huge part in getting me to this point.

There is this scary evangelistic urge within me to promote mindfulness as ‘the’ miracle cure for addiction, but I know this would be unreasonable and unrealistic. It can certainly be a useful tool for almost anyone, but perhaps in most cases, it works best when combined with other approaches such as CBT, 12-Steps, or SMART (especially in early recovery). There is probably only ever going to be a minority of us who make mindfulness our primary path.

Curse You Kwai Chang Caine

I began practicing mindfulness as a teenager in the eighties before I fell into addiction. I was introduced to it as part of my martial arts training, and from watching the TV show ‘Kung Fu’. I so wanted to develop the tranquil mind of a monk/warrior because it seemed so much better than my own headspace that was full of anxiety and self-loathing. I began meditating for hours every day, but despite plenty of wonderful mediation experiences, I didn’t transform into my hero Kwai Chang Caine.

Of course, the real reason I didn’t make much progress with mindfulness as teen was I completely misunderstood what I was trying to achieve. The goal was never to escape to a constantly blissful mind, but to be at ease with whatever is happening in this moment. As the hippies used to say in the sixties – you can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

When I first started drinking alcohol, I hoped that this too would fast-track me to a mental Disneyland, and there were moments in those early days when it almost seemed to be working. I replaced my enthusiasm for meditation with enthusiasm for drinking, and this was enough to get me into rehab by age 19. It took me another 16 years to finally accept that accept that alcohol was the problem, and it could never be the cure.

I made so many wrong turns on the mindfulness path, but I never loss faith that there was something to it. I kept on going back to the practice on my sober days, and it helped me deal with cravings. The real turning point came 12 years ago at a temple called Wat Rampoeng (see How I found Mindfulness in Thailand) when I experienced the mental freedom I’d always been looking for. I drank for another painful two years after this, but once I’d got a taste of that thing I’d always desired, there was no turning back.

Somebody clever once said that the best subject to teach is the one you most desperately need to learn. It is my hunger for mindfulness that puts me in a good position to teach it to other people. I also know the experience of doing mindfulness wrong for over two decades is as important as my experience of doing it mostly right for the last nine years. It means I have a good idea of what works and what doesn’t.

I can only share my story here, but the other members of the team at Hope Rehab have had their journeys of recovery too. It is these experiences that allow us to create something of value for those who are behind still us on the path. We are lucky to have Simon Mott as a head of our team because he is open-minded and innovative enough to make the most of our experiences.

You can click here to find more details of the mindfulness program at Hope