Barb Winters's Blog, page 6

Calling for Corporate Change to Protect Kids Online

I recently talked with Dawn Hawkins, the CEO of National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE). She and her staff work diligently for child safety by exposing the links between all forms of sexual abuse and sexual exploitation. (Be sure to read her impressive bio.) I admire her determination and passion and agreed to help NCOSE however I can. To that end, I asked Dawn to update us on their recent doings and give us advice on what we can do to keep our children safe online.

With the advent of smartphones, most kids carry around amazing technology in their pockets all the time. While this allows for communication with family and friends, constant access to the internet also means predators have unprecedented access to groom and exploit children.

Parents are Overwhelmed!

As parents, we are always trying our best to protect our kids from both physical and online dangers, but it can be overwhelming when there are so many platforms and new technologies. You are already doing so much! The fact that you’re here shows that you are searching for the best ways to help protect and advocate for your children. This is a great resource!

Still, even with great resources and the support of other concerned parents, it can be overwhelming. And it’s also not fair. These big tech companies have created platforms with ineffective, insufficient safety measures that don’t really work. They have created platforms for kids that enable grooming, sex trafficking, exposure to pornography, and the creation and distribution of child sexual abuse materials.

But it shouldn’t just be the responsibility of kids or already overwhelmed parents to keep them safe online! It’s time to hold these companies accountable for the harm they have caused and demand real change. And it’s long past time for tech companies to stop prioritizing profits over child safety.

How Parents Can Demand More Power to Protect Kids

Every year, The National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE) names twelve mainstream corporations that facilitate, enable, and even profit from sexual abuse and exploitation to the Dirty Dozen List. This campaign seeks to name and shame dangerous companies and to demand they do better. We invite you to join us in calling on these companies to improve child safety on their platforms!

Apple: Fix App Ratings

The Apple App Store was named to the Dirty Dozen List for deceptive app ratings and descriptions that mislead parents about the risks and dangers to children on available apps. Documented dangers on apps include exposure to adult strangers, harmful content, illegal drug activity, easy access to explicit content, and an explosion of financial sextortion. Caregivers cannot trust and rely on App Store age ratings and descriptions to determine what apps are safe for their children when these dangers are not reflected. Call on Apple to fix app ratings here.

Roblox: Demand They Stop Letting Adults Message Kids

Roblox, a popular gaming platform whose user base is 60% kids under the age of 16, exposes children to predators and inappropriate content. In December 2022, a 13-year-old-boy in Utah was kidnapped and sexually assaulted by an abuser he met on Roblox. Thankfully, authorities found him and brought him home, but tragically, this is not an isolated incident. There are countless children who have been sexually abused and exploited by predators on Roblox, yet they still allow adult strangers to message and “friend” children.

Discord: Remove Child Sexual Abuse Materials

Discord is a messaging platform that has been used to groom children and to find and trade child sexual abuse materials (CSAM). This platform enables exploiters to directly contact and groom children and it has shockingly ineffective parental controls, despite its popularity with teens, especially gamers. Several children have been exploited by strangers who contacted them on Discord.

You can make a difference by contacting your legislators to support child safety legislation like the EARN IT Act. ~ Dawn Hawkins, CEO NCOSE Calling for Corporate Change to Protect Kids Online #childsafety #onlinesafety #NCOSE
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Ask Your Legislators to Vote Yes on Earn It Act

In addition to reaching out to these companies directly, another way you can make a difference is by contacting your legislators to support child safety legislation. The EARN IT Act is the most important child protection legislation pending before Congress this year! This bill protects kids online by clarifying there is NO IMMUNITY for social media and tech companies that knowingly allow the distribution of child sexual abuse materials, and gives victims a path to justice and restoring their privacy. You can learn more about this bipartisan legislation and email your members of congress to support the bill here.

Your Voice Matters!

When parents join together, we see massive victories like:

Google Chromebooks, which once exposed kids to pornography on school devices, defaulted to safety by implementing age-based access settings on devices for K–12 students.Discord confirmed that it is testing parental controls after being on the Dirty Dozen List for the past three years.Meta is starting a task force to investigate how Instagram facilitates the sale of child sexual abuse material.Apple recently announced that they would start automatically blurring nudity for kids 12 and under, with the tool available as an opt-in feature for teens and adults.

It’s thanks to moms and caregivers like you that these companies are finally starting to listen! Your voices are powerful, and together we will continue to win even more victories for our children’s safety!

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Teens Need a Trusted Adult

“I don’t want to talk with my parents because they always give you a whole speech.”

Last month I attended a three-day adolescent pregnancy prevention conference. During one session, we heard a panel of five teens talk about their personal experiences with risk avoidance/prevention programs at their schools.

I can’t speak for every program throughout the states, only the one my employer uses. When my colleagues and I go to schools, one of our goals is to help students understand the long-term effects of their decisions. We use fact-based evidence and interactive activities to demonstrate potential outcomes of drugs, alcohol, violence, vaping, and sexual activity. We also talk about healthy choices and how those affect their future. I assume most programs and facilitators have the students’ best interest in mind and do their best to guide students toward a healthy future.

During this session, one question the moderator of the teen panel asked was, “When talking about these subjects (sex and sexual activity), would you rather speak with your parents or the facilitator?” The question was asking if the teens would rather talk with their parents or a trusted adult about these uncomfortable topics? I found their answers insightful. Granted, there were only five teen panelists, but I think their answers represent a good percentage of teens, so it’s worth repeating them here for your benefit.

Let’s look at the answers one-by-one.

“I don’t want to talk with my parents because they always give you a whole speech.” I think what we can learn from this answer is that less is more. Our teens don’t need “a whole speech” when we bring up dangers associated with risky behaviors. Ten short two-minute chats are more impactful than one 15-minute lecture. Talk less, listen more. Ask questions. Of course, offer your opinion and state why you believe the way you do, but asking questions helps them make decisions on their own. And when they decide (aren’t just told) to avoid pornography, sending nudes, vaping, etc., they are more likely to stick to their decision and resist in the future.

“It’s easier to express my feelings with a facilitator. With my parents, I get in trouble.” Our children will make unhealthy choices. How we will handle it when we learn of these choices? This is tricky because it’s still our job to parent our children. I think it’s important to keep our temperament in check. I can’t say I have done this well throughout my entire parenting life; however, when I stayed calm, listened, and used less than half the words I wanted to, my children responded to me better. Our children are more likely to trust us if we create a loving atmosphere. They will disclose regretful choices if they know we are on their side.

Parent, remember, if your child watches porn, sends a nude, or ends up in a sextortion situation, they are victims. If they are brave enough to come to you with this information, treat them with kindness and love. Tell them the boundaries you put in place are to protect them and keep them safe, not a punishment.

We want to be our child's go-to person. But sometimes they need another trusted adult to talk with. ~ Teens Need a Trusted Adult #sexpectations #healthyrelationships #hopefulmom
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“It’s difficult to be vulnerable with my parents.” Again, what type of atmosphere are we creating in our homes? Do we treat our preteens and teens like people? Do we respect them and believe their ideas are valuable? When our children communicate their innermost desires, dreams, fears, and failures, we should validate their thoughts and feelings.

“I could speak with either my parents or the facilitator, but I’d rather speak with the facilitator because they respect me.” This panelist feels comfortable talking with a parent but feels more respected by the trusted adult. Sometimes our children perceive actions or attitudes from us that don’t exist, but sometimes we as parents don’t respect our children. (Do you see a theme?) If we want to establish ourselves as people our children can confide in, we need to bring up these difficult topics regularly. We also need to be okay when our child prefers to speak with a trusted adult who doesn’t live in our household. It may just be that our child feels more comfortable talking with someone else.

“I talk with my parents.” This last panelist would rather speak with parents. Yay! Good job, Mom and Dad. Despite popular opinion, some children will—and do—talk with their parents about the rough stuff.

As I’ve said in the past, parenting is a long endeavor with ups and downs. Thankfully, when we blow it, we have an opportunity to change the way we interact with and parent our children. It helps if we stay humble and remember it’s not about us. The objective is to raise healthy adults who can function well in the world.

Our desire is for our children to bring their problems to us, to talk with us about the hard things, and to listen to our advice. But they may need another trusted adult to bounce ideas off, one who isn’t as close to the situation. That’s okay. Help them find someone you also trust. And keep loving them. You’ve got this!

Do your teens have a trusted adult they turn to for advice? Do they feel comfortable talking with you about their problems? Let us know in the comments.

Share this post with your friends, and subscribe for regular updates from Hopeful Mom. Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships launches August 8th! Have you pre-ordered your copy yet?

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5 Phases of Tech Training

I’m so excited to introduce you to my friend, Sarah Siegand. Sarah and I met through Safeguard Alliance. I love her enthusiasm and desire to help parents learn about technology. I know you will find her post on tech training informative and motivating. (She didn’t mention it in her bio, so I will . . . She wrote a book! Find it here.)

Technology isn’t going anywhere, and today’s parents need a solid strategy for how their families will either embrace or reject the influence of tech. If the goal is to raise kids who are not enslaved to technology, we must have a long and a short view of intentional strategies at every age and stage. It requires us to train them!

The following phases will help you locate where you are in the training process for each individual child or teen you’re parenting and what skills you will need to build next. 

Phase 1: Model

Every parent starts here, and none of us really graduate from this stage. Our kids are watching how we use technology, as well as gleaning information about how it fits into our family’s values and priorities. When they are on the ballfield, can they catch your watchful eye, or do they see you on your phone? Is a TV always on in your house? How many new technology purchases have you made this year? Do your kids see you reading books or enjoying nature? All of these answers build what your kids understand as your relationship with technology, and consequently, how they should expect to relate to it as well.

Technology isn’t going anywhere, and today’s parents need a solid strategy for how their families will either embrace or reject the influence of tech. 5 Phases of Tech Training ~Sarah Siegand #sexpectations #healthyrelationships…
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Phase 2: Delay

We all know that kids’ brains are not fully formed until adulthood, but it’s important to also acknowledge the way brains are developing in the preteen and the teen years. Generally speaking, puberty and tech can be a dangerous combination. We encourage parents to wait as long as they can for some of the most addictive and potentially destructive kinds of technology, namely YouTube, video games, smartphones, and social media.

What kids see, they try to imitate, with little thought to the consequences. They aren’t mature enough to understand all of the danger or addiction that lies just beyond those open doors. They don’t have the discernment to sift out the good and bad influences available on technology. We think this Dove Beauty video perfectly sums up why we encourage delaying specific kinds of technology that is addictive and can easily open your kids up to dangerous content and ideas.

Phase 3: Protect

The first layer of protection is building a strong parent-child relationship and having great conversations about technology pitfalls. I use an oven mitt as a visual aid for parents—conversations are the hand inside the mitt, and automated tech boundaries are the mitt itself. Automated protections include things like time limits, parent approval for app downloads, filters on web browsing, and manual tools include things like knowing who your kids are communicating with and not allowing devices in private spaces like bedrooms. Beyond the immediate protection these measures offer, they also build an important understanding in your child that 1) they are worth protecting and 2) there is a real danger to be protected from. 

Phase 4: Monitor

How is monitoring different than protecting? Protection includes closing and locking doors to certain dangers online. Monitoring doesn’t prevent your kid from accessing potential dangers, but it does give you information after the fact so you can have a conversation about what happened so they can learn.

Monitoring might include using technology tools like Bark to scan for problematic activity like bullying, sexual content, and more. Or it might be just picking up a phone and looking through things to know what your kid is up to or how much time they’ve spent on the device. The monitoring phase should be a constant flow of feedback and making adjustments. One of the greatest blessings of this phase is when you catch your kid doing things RIGHT. 

Phase 5: Release

Yes, parents… one day your kid will walk out your door with a phone in their back pocket that only has whatever safety features THEY have set for themselves. It can be a scary thought no matter how much you’ve tried to pour into them. But if you work from that reality backwards, and see all the present-day tech training through the lens of this unchanging fact, you might find a renewed motivation to get after it. 

Our 19-year-old is going off to college in another state in just a few months. He’s never slept with his phone in his room, so as he graduates, we’re getting ready to make that move. He’ll have the summer to adjust, realize where his biggest challenges lie, and hopefully gain some strategies. He can’t take mom and dad to the dorm room, he must learn to do this on his own.

It’s Never Too Late to Start Tech Training

No matter how old your kids are, you are bound to find something within your power presently that you can take action on to help them in this training process. If you have a 4-year-old, you have a lot of runway in front of you, and there is great hope that your child will thrive as you intentionally build these skills. If you have a 17-year-old that you wish you could get a do-over with, let me encourage you that your son or daughter is not beyond hope. As you approach the launch from your home (whenever that comes), you’ll have to be very gracious—admit what you know you didn’t do well, and talk about what tech health goals they have as a young adult and how you can support them. 

JUST DO SOMETHING, even if it’s putting down your phone to read a book when you know your kids are watching. Or sponsoring a screen-free vacation. Or initiating a family bike ride. We can all do something to improve the overall health of our family in how we relate to technology.

Happy parenting!

For a more detailed look at these 5 Phases, visit Parentswhofight.com.

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Peer Pressure and Finding Your People

Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships is coming soon. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to help spread the word. As a gift for helping, you get early access to a digital copy of the book and a FREE print book, as well as other gifts. Check out this link for more information and to complete the form to join.

“But all my friends are doing it. . . You don’t understand what today’s culture is like. . . . My friends will be mad if I don’t participate.”

A force parents combat is peer pressure. “Peer pressure is real, and perception is reality. . . The pressure students experience in middle school, high school, and college is colossal and burdensome. They endure ridicule and face being an outcast if they dress incorrectly, don’t respond to texts in a timely manner, or use an improper filter on their social media photos.” (Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, p. 40)

While in the classroom, I try to help students grasp the enormous pull peers have on our lives. We cannot underestimate the power of peer pressure. If we’re honest, we’ll admit we feel it, too. Many decisions are based on what we observe and what the culture dictates. Adults, but more so our children, learn what is acceptable from social media and peers. An innate desire to feel connected and belong steers us to make choices we believe will fulfill the need to fit in. If we don’t recognize it or aren’t able to resist, peer pressure can take us down the path of unhealthy choices.

It’s one reason preteens send nudes.

It’s one reason teens watch pornography.

It’s one reason youth rebel.

But what if we want to make healthy choices and need to walk away from the friend group (or family) who doesn’t understand our new way of thinking and behaving? Old friends may haunt us. Isolation messes with our minds.

Community is important. Belonging is a need. Accountability keeps us on the right path.

Let me urge you to find people who encourage you and push you in your new endeavors. And if your child is breaking free from a life choice that has taken them down an unhealthy path, be their encourager. Help them find a group of people who will steer them in a healthy direction.

I recently read a blog post by my friend Christy Bass Adams entitled Who’s Your Who? She has this to say.

“What if integrity is now our path and we find the road narrow, deserted, and lonely? Change for the better is always worth it, but sometimes change can be a lonely endeavor. The more authentic we become, the less people will fill our circle. . . . But something amazing begins to happen. The more we work on becoming the best version of ourselves, the more we will attract like-minded, sincere people to join us in our walk. The longer we pursue sound minds and wholeness, the greater chance we will invite similar thinkers into our world. Honesty begets honesty. Integrity begets integrity. Vulnerability begets vulnerability.”

Help your child make new friends. Take them to a youth group. Ask them what community group or after-school group or extra-curricular activity appeals to them. Enroll them in art lessons, music lessons, or a new sport. Encourage them to unfriend or block negative influencers on social media and search for ones who have positive messages.

Negative peer pressure is a difficult force to combat. But isolation isn’t the answer. Help your children find positive influences in their lives. #sexpectations #hopefulmom #fightthenewdrug Peer Pressure and Finding Your People
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And while you’re inspiring your child, check your own friend list. Who are you allowing to influence you? Christy Bass Adams says, “Finding our who or our new group of whos will take time and intentionality. Listen to people as they communicate. Watch their lifestyle. Pay attention to their interests. And don’t be afraid to initiate a conversation or an invitation to lunch. Friends with depth, sincerity, and convictions are game changers in this life and just like we search hard for a lifelong spouse, we must search hard for lifetime, real friendships. . . . As you search for your who, remember to become the type of person you need as a friend.”

Rather than allowing peer pressure to guide your decisions, make intentional thought-provoking choices. Then be that positive influence in someone else’s life, including your child’s. You’ve got this!

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How Can You Help Your Teen with A Pornography Addiction?

There’s a special place in my heart for Dr. John Thorington of Restoring Hearts Counseling. When my son came clean regarding his porn use, I called Focus on the Family. They directed me to Dr. Thorington. Through our conversation and his resources I learned my son had a pornography addiction. I’m so grateful for the time he took to help me and our family. I recently re-connected with Dr. Thorington when he graciously endorsed my book, Sexpectations. (Read his endorsement here.) I’m pleased to introduce him to you !

Internet pornography is quite powerful in capturing the attention of the teen brain. This power can be understood in considering how easy it for people to:

Choose what they want to watch or view any time—and often for free or little cost.Find images that involve sound and motion, which have a more intense effect on the brain.Click through many images in a short amount of time and be exposed to more in quantity and variety in one sitting than through a magazine or DVD.Take advantage of the “Triple-A Effect” of accessibility, affordability, and anonymity.Become addicted to pornography in shorter spans of time because of easy and speedy access to it.

McAfee, the world’s largest dedicated security technology company, released insightful findings from the company’s Teen Internet Behavior study less than ten years ago. It found that many teens are accessing inappropriate online content. Specifically, 43 percent of teens have accessed simulated violence online; 36 percent have accessed sexual topics online, and 32 percent have accessed nude content or pornography online.[i] This means teens are accessing images and information about men and women, relationships, and sex at an age when they are most impressionable.

While the problem may be a challenge to quantify, there is considerable evidence that the world has changed—especially for children and teens. Parents often find themselves struggling to know what to do to help their kids.

In a recent meeting with my counselor colleagues, we all agreed that the number of calls from parents on this issue has increased dramatically. It was rare even ten years ago for a counselor to be asked to treat a teen with a pornography addiction, but it is now a frequent request from parents.

I often think of the story of Rip Van Winkle by Washington Irving. It seems as if we are in the world of Rip Van Winkle. One day he wanders into the mountains to go hunting, meets and drinks with English explorer Henry Hudson’s legendary crew, and falls into a deep sleep. He awakens twenty years later and returns to his village to discover that everything has changed. One of Irving’s major points is the tumultuous change occurring over the twenty years that the story encompasses. The connection to 21st-century society is more than obvious!

Having an Internet pornography addiction so young also has serious long-term implications. Here are just a few:

It poisons their view of sex.It desensitizes them to actual relational and sexual satisfaction.It leads to destroyed marriages.It damages their spiritual vitality and connection with God.It hinders the development of their character and integrity.It robs them of their potential and purpose.What can parents do?

The most important thing is nurturing effective communication with your teen. According to a recent survey commissioned by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, teens say that parents (38%) most influence their decisions about sex—more than peers (22%), the media (9%), teachers and educators (4%), and others.[ii]

Studies show that teens are influenced by their parents and what they teach them about sex. If parents don’t take on this responsibility, the media and Internet will inform their children. Here are additional parental tips:

Be Proactive. Too many parents either ignore the problem or assume that their kids will never get involved with pornography. Be aware of what your teens are doing online.Set limits. Dr. Karen Koch has written an immensely helpful book called Screens and Teens . She warns that screen time is quickly replacing family time, and it is hard wiring the way teens connect with their world. Parents need to lead by example and limit screen time to give priority to real-time relationships.Provide appropriate teaching and information. Parents can teach their teens about healthy relationships and sexuality. The goal is to teach and exemplify this perspective.Cast a positive vision. The Bible has a saying, “Where there is no vision, the people perish…” (Proverbs 29:18). Parents have a key role to know the gifts and abilities of their teens and to bless them with a positive vision.Treating Compulsive Behavior

The good news is that Internet pornography addiction is treatable. With parental support and professional help, teens can recover. Faith and hope has a lot to do with recovery.

"The good news is that Internet pornography addiction is treatable." Read Dr. Thorington's thoughts on teen pornography addictions and recovery. How Can You Help Your Teen with A Pornography Addiction? #sexpectations #hopefulmom…
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There are additional keys to successful recovery. Teens need:

Roadblocks to cleanse their brains (this means some sort of accountability software).To work toward 3-5 months of a porn diet to push the “reset button” on the brain and continue healing of the brain.A medical evaluation for things such as OCD, ADD, depression or anxiety.A mentoring relationship marked by encouragement and accountability.Learning strategies to deal with temptation and relapse prevention.Spiritual guidance to overcome the distortions of pornography and learn the principles of healthy relationships and sexuality.Counseling to help uncover the issues existing before the compulsive behavior so they can deal with the real problem(s) rather than fall back into this destructive coping mechanism.Therapeutic and spiritual help to combat the shame and help them become more grounded in their personal worth and value.

Again, parental support is critical as parents need to have conversations and an ongoing dialogue with their teens about intimacy and the meaning of sex.

UPDATE on Sexpectations: We still have room for more launch team members! For more information, read here. Be sure to subscribe below so you don’t miss a thing!

[i] https://callnerds.com/what-your-teen-is-hiding-online-part-1/ — 2012

[ii] https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/teens-say-parents-most-influence-their-decisions-about-sex-167680825.html — 2012

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7 Tips for Modeling Healthy Relationships

I pulled into the driveway, opened the front door, and threw my keys on the counter. I saw the dirty dishes in the sink and sighed. After a long day at work, I wanted to put my feet up. But dinner needed tended to, and I had to prepare for an evening meeting.

“Any ideas for supper?” I asked my husband.

“Nope.”

My instinct was to ask him to get out of his chair and help me. Instead, I paused. If I spoke now, the words would not sound kind. Even though he sat with his feet up, I saw his computer in his lap with a document open. Research or writing for Sunday’s sermon. His day, while different than mine, had been filled with responsibilities.

My son, within earshot, also worked hard all day. No one left the dishes in the sink out of laziness or a desire to anger me. I took a cleansing breath, smiled, and began the process of prepping supper. “How was everyone’s day?”

Sometimes modeling healthy relationships is a chore, requiring intentionality and commitment. But in this digital age, this online world, where our children are influenced by social media, videos, and peers, exhibiting healthy relationships in the home is imperative.

Sometimes modeling healthy relationships is a chore, requiring intentionality and commitment. 7 Tips for Modeling Healthy Relationships #healthyrelationships #hopefulmom #parenting
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Our children are bullied online and in person. They are lured by predators who want to traffic them, pressured by peers to send nudes, and badgered in person to vape or drink. They observe influencers promote sexual promiscuity and entice them with money-making schemes. In the midst of these shaky circumstances, we should be modeling healthy relationships.

Even though our children, at times, don’t show it, we have a huge impact on their beliefs and behavior. Our actions affect their interactions.

Tips for Modeling Healthy Relationships

1 – Be Present. I have a pastor friend who says, “Be here while you’re here.” He means that we should be in the moment. Don’t mull over past problems when you should be listening. Don’t think about future tasks when you should be concentrating on the person in front of you. The to-do list can wait. Put the phone down. Don’t multi-task.

2 – Look Them in the Eye. Nothing says “I see you” like looking a person in the eyes. If we want our children to pay attention to us when we speak, we need to pay attention to them while they are speaking.

3 – Actively Listen. Sit quietly, nod, and listen for the purpose of reflecting back what you hear. Save your suggestions, advice, or admonishment until after you’ve heard them out and understand their message. We want to model this behavior with our children, as well as others. Our children witness how we treat our spouse, neighbors, friends, and co-workers. They will mimic our behavior.

4 – Ask Clarifying Questions. Messages aren’t always clear. Before jumping to conclusions, ask clarifying questions.

5 – Treat Your Spouse with Respect and Kindness. If we want our children to be treated with respect and kindness and treat their eventual spouse the same way, they need to see us demonstrate this behavior.

6 – Believe the Best. Believe your child, spouse, and others have pure motives. People are hurting. People have bad days. People have not been taught how to love others well. When we start with the presumption that the person interacting with us means well, we can respond in love.

7 – Treat Them How You Want to be Treated. We’re familiar with the golden rule. When you have a bad day, are tired, or in pain—when your spouse yelled at you and your children ignored you—take a deep breath. The relationship is far more important than winning an argument or completing the task at hand. Nurture the relationship, for your sake and for theirs. 

COMING SOON: Information on joining the launch team for Barb’s debut book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships. What’s a launch team? How can you help spready the word about Sexpectations? Watch your email the last few weeks of May for answers to these questions. Don’t miss out! This book has more in-depth information on modeling healthy relationships. Subscribe below!

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Three Truths About Relationships, Kids, Porn, and You

I met Dr. Carol a few months ago when she asked me to be a guest on her podcast. I was immediately drawn to her likeable personality. Carol helps others find transformation through Jesus from thorny issues such as broken relationships, issues around sex/sexuality, mental/emotional problems, and toxic religion. I know you will benefit from her post.

You don’t want your kid hooked on porn. You don’t even want them seeing it.

In today’s world that’s kind of like kids and germs. Well, sort of. Every kid gets exposed to germs, but germs don’t destroy a person’s soul the way porn does. But God put you on this earth in this generation to raise your children in the world we have today. It’s messy. It’s hard.

And you’ve got what it takes.

Let me suggest three truths about relationships, porn, you, and your kid that will help you understand your role as a parent today.

1. Porn destroys relationships

I’ve lost count of the men and women I’ve talked with who struggle with relationships, intimacy, marriage, and sexuality; it’s what I do. I used to ask them if porn was a factor. Now I ask what role pornography has played in their life and relationship. I have yet to talk with someone where it’s played no role at all.

Pornography is an equal opportunity relationship destroyer; men, women, young people in Africa or Jamaica, in your church group or living next door. Porn disciples a person sexually to make sex all about self-gratification rather than doing the hard work of relationship building. It messes with the templates in a person’s brain. I’m currently working with a couple serving overseas as missionaries whose lives and marriage have been nearly destroyed by porn. The enemy of our souls has worked overtime to create ways to destroy relationships, and porn is at the top of the list.

Scaring your kid about how porn can mess up their future marriage won’t be an effective strategy. That will only add shame and drive the conversation underground and away from you. But this truth can stimulate you to do the work of parenting in this area that you might otherwise be reluctant to tackle.

2. Your child will be or already has been exposed to pornography

Your child didn’t or won’t wake up one day and decide, “I know what I’m going to do today; I’m going to get hooked on porn.” The only way to 100% guarantee your child won’t see porn is to hermetically seal them in a bubble without human or digital connections to the outside world. Work to keep your child from seeing porn, but assume your child will see it. What do you want them to do next?

Taking extraordinary steps to keep your children from being exposed to destructive things is good. But a perhaps even more important role you have as a parent is to help your children know what to do when they face something, anything, that makes them uncomfortable, confused, or scared. Children are curious; that’s how God made them. Your children are sexual beings; God made them that way too. Help them understand what to do when something happens.

You want your child to come to you when they hear or see something disturbing or that they don’t understand. Research demonstrates that children want their parents to talk with them about sexuality. Become the safe place for your child to ask questions. If you shame them for saying a word they don’t understand or for asking a question, all they learn is “We don’t talk about those things in this family.” That’s dangerous. You need to have a 10-year conversation with your child about relationships, sexuality, marriage – and porn.

"Parenting is hard, perhaps the hardest job in the world. But God has gifted you with what you need." Dr. Carol Tanksley Three Truths About Relationships, Kids, Porn, and You #hopefulmom #fightthenewdrug #pornharmsrelationships
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3. Your relationship with your child is your biggest asset

Maya Angelou said, ““I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” That’s nowhere more true than in the relationship between you and your child.

Think of your own sexual story. How did you first learn about sex? Was it adequate? Was it helpful? Almost certainly what made the biggest impression on you was not words; it was what you observed between your parents even if you didn’t know you were learning about sex, or what you learned about dealing with feelings, intimacy, and relationships from what you saw modeled around you.

It will be the same with your children. As a parent it’s normal to want to prevent your child from being harmed. But what will make the biggest lasting impact on them will be the quality of your relationship. Parenting is hard, perhaps the hardest job in the world. But God has gifted you with what you need. You may not be the expert in everything, but you’re the expert in your kid. You won’t do it perfectly; there are no perfect parents. But you can do this. And there are tools to help.

A great question to prayerfully ask is, “Lord, who are You calling me to be to my child in this season?”

And then just do the next thing.

Your job as a parent is not to raise good kids; it’s to raise good adults. Your job is to work yourself out of a job. And that includes in the area of sexuality. Don’t focus on keeping porn away from your child, although do that with all the tools you can. But even more, focus on helping your child become equipped to handle hard things. Seek to develop the ongoing heart connection with your child that will have the longest-lasting impact on them both today and throughout their future.

Listen – to your child and to God. Be real. Stay on your knees.

You can do this.

Find more about Dr. Carol at her website. Check out our resources page for suggested filters to protect your devices, and subscribe below so you don’t miss any blog posts.

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Mom, I See You

As a young mom, I wrestled with thoughts that I wasn’t enough. I didn’t purchase the right clothes or decipher my children’s needs correctly. I wasn’t contributing to the household income or spending enough time raising my children. The meals were inadequate and the house wasn’t clean. If I sat with the children to play a game, supper was late. If I spent too much time reading to them, they may not learn necessary life skills. The never-ending tug and pull in my mind. Can you relate? Mom, I see you.

As my children matured and I began homeschooling, I struggled with character-building versus teaching academics. And always the thought that maybe I should get a real job, a job that put money in the bank.

Then one day these children of mine were making their own decisions, becoming human beings with their own likes and dislikes, right before my eyes. This one only wore jeans. That one never wore jeans. This one wanted a drum set. That one wanted a guitar. This one excelled in math. That one hated math. It baffled me that I could parent four children in essentially the same manner but yield four completely different individuals.

I did my best to guide and direct. To lead and steer. All while allowing each to grow and become their own person. All while still growing myself and continuing to become my own person. And trying not to feel inadequate at the end of each day.

An internal battle plagues most moms, often resulting in feeling like a failure. You may be downtrodden and feel lost and alone, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. #hopefulmom #momguilt Mom, I See You
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I think this internal battle plagues most moms. In every homeschool group, mom church group, and mom coffee chat, I’ve heard moms lament their struggle. When I’ve worked, I’ve listened to moms wonder if they should be home with their kids. How do we rise to the responsibility of raising children without failing? How do we hold on to ourselves and serve our children (and spouses) well? If that’s you, mom, I see you.

Of course, in our home, we had our fair share of triumphs and failures; laughter and tears; celebrations and pity-parties; wins and losses. And we persevered. Each day, I got out of bed. Each day, I learned and grew. Each day, my children learned and grew.

Then there was that one day. My son had been watching pornography. And the previous decade and a half of doing my best, learning and growing, teaching and molding, crashed to the ground. Failure. I wore the label over my heart and head, forgetting the hard climb with victories along the way. If you’ve had a day like this one, mom, I see you.

You are not alone. And that one day does not define you. That one misstep, failure, dilemma, issue, plague, does not mean you are a failure. As traumatic as the problem may be, as deep as the hole may go, as diseased as the wound may seem, hope exists. Others have walked this road and been okay.

Mom, I see you. You may be downtrodden and feel lost and alone, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Take a deep breath. Exercise. Listen to music that lifts your spirits. Eat well and get some sleep. Go for a walk, run, or bike ride. Play tennis or swim. Spend time with people who make you laugh. Renew, refresh, rejuvenate.

Then, go back in. Walk with your child through the process of healing knowing you have an army of Mamas (and Dads, too) who are on your side and have your back.

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Training Wheel Consequences and Alternate Behavior Changes

Nick and I talked a few months ago about his app, Relay. He and his team designed this fairly-new app to help those trapped in pornography’s grip by teaming people up into support groups. I recommend you check it out. Nick’s enthusiasm and passion are contagious, so I’m thrilled that he agreed to write this post about training wheel consequences for you.

One reason raising children is so hard is that they often don’t internalize the link between cause and consequence. They don’t like their stomach to hurt, yet they still eat half their Halloween candy in one sitting. They don’t like to get sunburned, but they won’t let you lather sunscreen on before they run out to play. Because children have a hard time understanding the true impact of their actions, parents often create what I call “training wheel consequences”; let’s examine these consequences and consider how we can reframe them, particularly in the context of pornography habits, to help children make lasting behavioral change. 

Example: Video Games

When a child breaks a rule — say, plays more than an hour of video games in one day — their parents may discipline them by taking away their video game console. 

What is the real-world impact of playing more than an hour of video games in one day? On that day, essentially nothing. Perhaps the child will be more ornery for the rest of the evening or forget a homework assignment — relatively small consequences. However, the future impact of playing more than an hour of video games is potentially large and negative; the child may learn it is okay to play video games to excess and form a habit that crowds out formative relationships and more productive interests. 

Children don’t see this possibility, but parents do, and as a result parents tend to institute negative consequences that are much more immediate and tangible (and far smaller than the potential real-world impact): training wheel consequences. Removal of the video game console is a prime example. 

Let’s now consider the impact of this training wheel consequence. The child learns they can’t play video games for more than an hour or else the source of their entertainment will be removed. This may well help them avoid the long-term consequences of playing video games for more than an hour. However, children do recognize that training wheel consequences are artificially imposed; this may lead the child to resent their parents’ training wheel consequence, to leave and secretly play video games at friends’ houses where they can avoid the training wheel consequence, and potentially to play video games to excess as soon as they move out for college, once they’re “free” of the training wheel consequence.

How can parents help their children avoid destructive behaviors? Move from training wheel consequences to more productive methods with these four suggestions from Nick Van Slooten of Relay App. #hopefulmom #difficultconversations…
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If Not Training Wheel Consequences, Then What?

If training wheel consequences can have an impact just as negative as not imposing any consequence, how can parents help their children avoid destructive behaviors? 

Psychology suggests one answer: help children recognize the future consequences of destructive behavior and choose to avoid them (this applies to pornography habits and others). This is far more easily said than done, but here are a few suggestions:

Avoid shaming in any form. This must be the cardinal rule to keep in mind before any parental intervention, because introducing shame into any interaction can engender trauma that actually perpetuates the destructive behavior.Enable your child to direct training wheel consequences. Consider which consequences you impose might be “training wheels” (e.g. taking away a phone). Talk with your child about it — perhaps apologize for imposing an artificial consequence, and explain that you wanted to help them. Ask them what they think would be an appropriate way for you as a parent-child team to respond to the destructive behavior instead of your chosen training wheel consequence.Help your child visualize a positive future with goal-setting. Encourage them to write down their top 3-5 goals for the person they want to become and help them ponder those goals regularly. Don’t tie this exercise to the behavior you want them to avoid — rather, focus entirely on the positive, and let them build their own vision for their life. Trust that your child will recognize the negative consequences of the destructive behavior and create a path to achieve their goals that does not include the behavior.Encourage reflection. As children reflect on their lives and actions, they are more able to link their behaviors with the consequences of those behaviors and find positive ways to cope with stressors. Journaling is a great way for your child to reflect in an unguided, self-directed way, though incentivizing journaling isn’t always easy. Coaching or counseling can be a more hands-on way to help your child reflect with another person in a more structured manner. 

These are just a handful of ways you can help your child recognize and exercise their agency to avoid the future consequences of destructive behaviors rather than imposing artificial barriers yourself. The general principles are more important than the specific methods you use to implement, but above all, remember to avoid generating shame in your interactions with your child regarding their destructive behavior, as that will not solve but exacerbate the problem.

Relay App

A quick shameless plug — my team and I have worked hard to incorporate these principles into our pornography recovery app, “Relay – Improve Together.” We match teens and adults into support groups and provide a shame-free environment with daily opportunities for reflection and structured goal-setting. Feel free to download and join as a “supporter” to explore it yourself.

ConclusionTraining wheel (artificially imposed) consequences can harm a child more than they help change behaviorInstead, find ways to help your child recognize the consequences of destructive behavior and choose to avoid them

Thanks for reading. Which suggestion did you find most helpful?

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Are Our Children Targeted Online?

When I started Hopeful Mom four years ago, my goal was to wrap my virtual arms around other parents who were hurting because their child had been exposed to pornography. I focused on the parent’s internal struggles and emotional healing. These are still priorities; however, Hopeful Mom has expanded. Education (for ourselves and our children) and communication (with each other and with our children) about pornography and other online dangers are imperative.

We should learn about all things online because they are interconnected. One feeds into another. A child exposed to porn is more susceptible to predators, peer pressure, and esteem issues that lead to worry, anxiety, and depression.

I recently saw a post on the Facebook page, “Parenting in a Tech World” run by Bark. I asked the original poster’s permission to quote her. Here is an edited-for-length excerpt:

“We almost lost a child last week and it happened in a matter of 12 hours. . . . We made the decision to put smartphones in the hands of our two oldest when they reached middle school. We set parameters, monitored them daily, talked to the kids about known dangers, and downloaded apps to help us monitor usage. We thought we were doing enough. We weren’t. One of our kids was targeted by a predator through Instagram. Our week has involved conversations with our local police and the FBI.

If you are the parent of a teen with a smartphone and social media, please talk to them. Talk to them about who they message. Tell them how easy it is for people to create fake accounts and manipulate them. Take the phone and look through it yourself, every day. . . . As I was messaging the online predator pleading with them to leave my child alone, their demands were simple, pay them $500 and they would stop. At one point, this person said to me, “When I’m finished, they will commit suicide.”

We were one of the lucky ones, because when our child thought they ran out of options, they came to us. . . .Talk to your kids. Now. Do it for them. Talk to them.”

A recent thread about sextortion on a FB page caused me to ponder this question: Are Our Children Targeted Online? #hopefulmom #onlinesafety #sextortion #difficultconversations
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More Targeted

My heart fell when I read the above. But the disheartening messages didn’t stop there. In the comments, there were too-many-to-count replies from parents stating their children experienced something similar. They were targeted also. Here’s a sample of the responses (edited for length and to keep anonymity):

We’re going through something very similar. . . . My daughter is 11 and was targeted through Roblox. . . . An 11-year-old daughter . . . willingly got in the car of someone they didn’t know and disappeared. She was groomed for weeks on social media. They had promised her some “work” so she could help her Mom pay the rent.I heard from my son the other day that some kids were taking pics of their feet and selling them. They thought it was funny. Yikes!Ours was groomed and being sex trafficked. I discovered it hours before she was leaving . . . against my knowledge. . . . Even though we know the parent was involved, technically the minor was doing the grooming.I went thru this with my granddaughter. It started out thru Instagram. I told [them] . . . she was only 14 and [they] said . . . I love kids!! I prefer kids over adults. I don’t care if your child gets upset because you go thru their phone. It isn’t a matter of trusting them, it’s a matter of NOT trusting others!If this is one of the scams that tricks these teens into sending nudes and then they turn and demand money or they’ll post it, I now know 5, yes FIVE, of my personal friends who have now had this done to their children. They are so scared to come to their parents because of embarrassment and they think sending the money makes it go away. It doesn’t! It makes them demand more and more money.

Two boys in our community killed themselves just weeks apart. They were being blackmailed too. They target good kids that feel so ashamed and feel there is no way out.This happened to us . . . through a chat on a video game that moved to Instagram. This person . . . sent prerecorded video messages as a girl, sent pics and more to make the boys involved believe they were talking to a girl their age.Same scenario for us. Our children/teens are not prepared to handle what is out there even when we think we have all the safeguards in place.We didn’t allow social media, and our oldest still found a way to make THREE accounts. She was also targeted . . .As a pediatric ER nurse, I cannot even begin to tell you how many young kids we see that met people online and . . . held against their will.Same thing happened to my college age son a few weeks ago except the demand was 2K. . . . He was so distraught.I was a victim of sextortion and people need to know they start off asking simple things like what did you eat today, did you exercise, how did you sleep? Daily fake care that goes on for weeks until you fully trust them. Please make your kids aware.Our Response

Why bring this up? Why burden your heart with this heavy thread?

Because knowledge is power.

Our children face a significant amount of pressure every day both in person and online. When we understand their daily pressures, that they are targeted, we are better equipped to help them. Let’s not diminish their fears and issues. Let’s not cower either. Instead, let’s walk with them, guiding and directing. Let’s be available to soothe their emotions and offer them advice.

Remind your children today of their value and worth. Pick them up when they fall into a trap. Empower them to walk away from people who want to harm them and trust those who care for them. Teach them the difference between the two.

Parenting is a long endeavor with hills and valleys. But it’s worth it. I’m grateful you’re in it for the long-haul. I believe in you. You’ve got this!

Thanks for walking this road with me. If you haven’t had a chance to look at the website page with my book information, check it out. Please share this post through email or on your social media account. It’s so important to inform other parents of the dangers their children face every day. Subscribe below for updates and follow Hopeful Mom on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.

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