Barb Winters's Blog, page 5

Two Powerful Words

“I’m sorry.”

Ten minutes before, my mom mode soared into overdrive. My right eyebrow raised, my hip cocked, and my finger wagged. “I can’t believe you did that. You know better. I’ve told you about the dangers over and over.” I raised my voice and started in on a five-minute lecture.

Then, I stopped. My head bowed and my shoulders fell. I had done it again—allowed my emotions to get the better of me. My temper overrode logic. But, based on experience, I understood that yelling at my teen son over his choices would not solve the problem. He knew my stance on the matter. So, I paused, took a deep breath, and said, “I’m sorry.”

This wasn’t the first time I apologized to one of my children for allowing my anger to get the best of me. And I’m sure it won’t be the last.

I’m not saying my son was right. He crossed a line. Whether it’s taking drugs, gaming all night, sending a nude, or being disrespectful, teens will make imperfect choices.

But we’ve all made choices we aren’t proud of—at their age and now. We’ve been tempted and caved. It’s human nature. We’ve also made poor decisions from lack of knowledge. Remembering our painful choices and understanding that our children are still learning how to reason through their options helps us stay calm when we discover their wrongdoing.

I’m Sorry I Hurt You

But we will slip.

Thankfully, our children forgive. Even when they don’t show it, they want a healthy relationship with us. That means we let go of anger and bitterness, and we say—out loud— “I’m sorry.”

Saying I’m sorry has the following effect:

It diffuses the situation when we’ve wronged our child, whether it’s using judgmental and angry tones, forgetting to pick them up after school, or some other offense. It decreases the intense emotions and fosters a sense of calm in the atmosphere.It communicates to our teens that our relationship is more important than proving we are right. This action reveals that we are on their side and have their back. We care about their wellbeing, inside and out. And when we use these two powerful words, our children feel more comfortable talking with us about their transgressions.It models healthy relationship skills. If we apologize to our children after hurting them, they are more inclined to apologize after hurting someone else. Recognizing and admitting wrongdoing is an important life skill that will serve them well now and in the future. Again, we all stumble. A strong person admits when they’ve fallen short and offended another person.

I’m Sorry You’re Going Through That

There’s another scenario in which these two powerful words are beneficial.

My daughter approached me. “Mom, my friend and I aren’t getting along. There have been some misunderstandings, and I’m not sure the friendship will last. I’m pretty upset about it.”

“I’m sorry you’re going through that. It must be difficult.” I couldn’t solve her friendship problems, but I could listen with an empathetic ear and offer a few suggestions.

Saying I'm sorry to our children, whether we've hurt them or they need compassion, has a powerful effect on the relationship. Two Powerful Words #healthyrelationships
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Saying I’m sorry when your teen is dealing with a hard situation tells them you care. When you can’t resolve the problem but want to be available emotionally, start by saying, “Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you’re going through that.” Follow up with another statement like, “That sounds hard,” or “Is there anything I can do to help?” Maybe offer a hug. Then sit with them, give them your attention, and listen. These words may be the start of an in-depth conversation in which you learn more about your child and their trials and triumphs.

Apologizing can be awkward at first, especially if it doesn’t come naturally to you. But it becomes easier over time. These connecting words and interactions benefit you and your relationships. I hope you try it.

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Social Media Safety

Most of us use social media daily. Whether we’re messaging a friend in WhatsApp, looking up how to fix something on YouTube, or scrolling our Instagram feed, we’re enjoying the benefits of social media. But, is it safe? Parents ask me whether they should allow their preteens and teens to get SnapChat, TikTok, or the latest greatest social media app. In this guest post, John DiGirolamo gives us some pointers on social media safety for our children. The following is an adapted excerpt from John’s booklet, It’s Not About the Predator: A Parent’s Guide to Internet & Social Media Safety.

Is social media safe? The short answer is no. Social media (and the rest of the internet) isn’t safe. So, if you are going to allow your kid access, be aware of the dangers and pitfalls.

Most teens rate SnapChat, TikTok and Instagram between “PG-13” and “R.” These are some of the most popular apps for tweens and teens, yet viewers reveal that, “Gross nudity pics just show up.” If a program is popular with kids, you can be sure predators spend time there.

Actions for parents:

1.   Know your child’s password for their phone and any program, application or game.

2.   Check the content of all games. Many are sexually explicit.

3.   Approve and download any program, application or game. Consider downloading controls such as Ask to Buy (iPhones) or Purchase Approvals (Android).

4.   Advise your children to only accept friends and followers from people they know personally and keep settings “private.”

5.   Advise your children not to use their full name or disclose their home address.

6.   If you’re paying for the phone and monthly service, your kid has no right to phone privacy. Perform random and unannounced inspections (weekly).

7.   Disallow location serviceson all social media and games. You can find these in the settings section of each individual program.

8.   Know and review the chat rooms they participate in.

9.   Make sure your children know your phone numbers, as well as the numbers of four other trusted adults, by heart. This will come in handy if their phone battery is dead and could be vital in phoning for help. If they are in real and imminent danger, instruct them to dial 911.

10.  Consider purchasing a “Dumb Phone” instead of a smartphone. These don’t have internet access and do not allow photos or videos to be sent or received.

Instead of purchasing a smartphone for your child, consider getting one that doesn't have internet access. Social Media Safety
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Teens Can Be Sneaky

A generation ago, if a teen wanted to be sneaky, they would have to be creative or ask one of their friends. Now they can easily get ideas from Siri, Alexa or YouTube. Type into any search engine the phrase, “How to get away with stuff if you have strict parents.” You will find videos and blogs written by teens with specific instruction on how to circumvent parental controls and restrictions.

Spoofer apps and hidden folders:

Here are a few apps and programs children use to circumvent parental controls or the parent reviewing a teen’s activity.

1.       GPS spoofer program shows an incorrect physical location.

2.       A calculator app that performs mathematical functions but also contains hidden folders so the user can hide photos, videos and secrets.

3.       SnapChat stores digital images in a hidden folder labeled “My Eyes Only.”

4.       With a minimal amount of research, the free site wikiHow provides guidance on how teens can be sneaky. Searching for “How to hide things from your parents” produced an article with over 500,000 views.

Other ways a teen can circumvent parental controls:

·     Start the phone in safe mode.

·     Change the time zone to get around time restrictions.

·     Create new Apple ID.

·     Reset to factory settings.

·     Delete and reinstall app.

Other circumvention apps:

·     Second Texting Number

·     Text me

·     Secret Photo Album

·     Secret Photo Vault

·     Secret Messenger

·     Best Secret Folder

·     Confide

More helpful information:

·     Apps can be renamed.

·     Apps can be hidden.

·     You can look in the App Store and see anything your child has previously downloaded. It will show a cloud symbol instead of the word “GET.”

·     Left swipe to view the app library in an iPhone.

·     For an Android phone, go to Settings, then Apps.

Some applications share location and allow money transfers. Predators look for new victims in apps that live stream, video, and use chat features.

Messenger apps such as WhatsApp, Messenger Line and Discord are popular. This is where predators will search for people to exploit.

Do not allow your children to participate in romance and erotica applications. Some advertise that the program provides the ability to play with friends, as well as more than 30 million players from all over the world. 

Do not allow your kid to participate in pornographic applications such as Tickle Her and JoyHouse.

Tweens and teens use slang and acronyms to communicate in code. For example, saying you’re going to someone’s house to watch “Netflix and chill” isn’t a movie night. It’s a hookup for sex. PWOMS means parents watching over my shoulder. Slang changes continually. Do a search, such as “Teen texting slang” to find the latest words and meaning. Emoji’s also have meaning, frequently sexual in nature and parents should do a similar search to discover the true emoji meaning.

Instruct your teen never to post phrases such as “I hate my parents” or “I just ran away.” This will instantly attract predators.

Barb’s Reminder: Creating a culture in which children feel comfortable talking with you about their mistakes or poor choices is best. Have open, ongoing conversations about online dangers, reminding them that your job is to protect them. You’re taking these precautions because you love them and want to keep them safe. For filters I recommend, see my resource page. Be sure to check out John’s booklet It’s Not About the Predator: A Parent’s Guide to Internet & Social Media Safety for more information.

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Reflections of 2023

New year! New beginnings! And reflections on the past.

First, a huge welcome to those of you who found Hopeful Mom in 2023. We had a surge of new followers last year, and I’m grateful you are here.

When Hopeful Mom began in 2018, I didn’t comprehend the impact it would have. I continue to receive personal emails from parents explaining their situation and thanking me for creating a space where they can talk about their struggles.

You are the reason Hopeful Mom still exists.

2023 was a big year at Hopeful Mom. We celebrated our five-year anniversary and published our 100th post the same month. Additionally, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships was published and quickly became a #1 new release at Amazon.

I’m continually awed by the number of visits to Hopeful Mom and the posts which are read. So, I thought I’d do a bit of a throwback and mention various blog posts which are popular or stand out as favorites.

Top Two Posts:

Boredom Leads to Porn Use

Recent Pornography Statistics and Why They Are Important

Top Two Posts Written by Guests:

The Impact of a Parent’s Pornography Use on Children

10 Tips to Difficult Conversations with Teens and Adult Children

Throwback Favorites:

The Church Can’t Fix Our Children

Triggers

The first post at Hopeful Mom:

Gag Me: My Son’s Watching Porn

In honor of Human Trafficking Awareness month:

Porn Fuels Human Trafficking

About: Hopeful Mom exists to support, encourage, and offer practical tips to parents, leaders, and educators. If you find Hopeful Mom helpful, please share this site with others. We grow because of you and your willingness to spread the word.

Upcoming Events for 2024: Barb will continue to be a guest on podcasts and write articles for publication. She is also a featured speaker at the Sexual Integrity Leadership Summit in Colorado Springs in May. If you need a speaker for a webinar or online event, please contact Barb.

Happy New Year!

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Kids, Let’s Talk About Sex, Part 2

Ashley Jameson of Pure Desire Ministries continues her discussion with us. Thanks, Ashley, for helping us talk about the brain, the body, and healthy boundaries.

Last time we talked about creating a culture of grace in our homes through being vulnerable and sharing our stories with our kids. It’s not always easy to create an environment where our kids know it’s safe to talk with us about anything! We so badly want our kids not to struggle. Here are a few things that helped me change the atmosphere in my house which allowed my kids to feel safer to come to me with their questions. 

Make Brain and Body Talk Normal

If you are not up to speed on the brain and body happenings of a boy, or girl, this may require a little research. This is important: explain what’s going on with their body so they don’t assume there is something wrong when they experience change. 

I certainly needed to read several books on the teenage brain in order to explain what was happening with my Hulk-ish son. I learned that his heightened aggression could be due to the massive increase of testosterone in his brain. When I was able to talk to him about the biology of his body, it helped him understand why he had been so short-fused lately. He didn’t want to suffer the consequences of how he treated those around him. Once he understood that his hormones were in high-gear, he gave himself and everyone else a little grace and things quieted down. 

Knowledge is power.

With having two teenage boys, my husband has been a great resource for them. He has first-hand experience with the brain and body changes that boys experience. As weird as our kids might think it is, my husband’s honest vulnerability always opens the door for the boys to share what changes they’re going through. It normalizes their sexuality. It gives them the opportunity to ask personal questions and get honest answers. 

Sometimes the conversation gets too honest. There are disgusting, teenage boy things that you just can’t unhear, even if you wanted to, and I’m sorry about that. It’s par for the course.

But, building relationship through open conversation and answering questions in a straight way is a great strategy to use. It minimizes the shame and discomfort your kids might feel when opening up about their sexuality. This is extremely important, not just for teens, but for younger kids too. 

My six-year-old son once asked, “Why is my penis so big every time I wake up?” I simply responded that it’s probably because he needs to go to the bathroom and that’s why it goes back down after he’s done. I also told him that God made him that way and everything is working just the way it should. End of story, he was off to use the bathroom. 

The Value of Healthy Boundaries 

We all have vulnerabilities. When we recognize our vulnerabilities, it’s easier to accept the need for healthy boundaries. It is important for my kids to know that establishing healthy boundaries is not an issue of trust—whether we trust them or not. It’s about protecting their brain from exposure to something that could potentially cause them harm. 

For example: when on the Internet, if they stumble across something that is intriguing, sparks their curiosity, or even makes them feel good, and they linger on the site for a while, this doesn’t make them a bad person. They need to understand, they have a choice to make: they can quickly leave the site before the behavior becomes something they can’t control and they might have mixed feelings about that experience. 

I tell my kids, it’s my job to provide a supplemental brain for them while their brain is still developing. Their brain won’t fully develop until their mid-twenties, so in the meantime, my brain will help them process their behaviors and protect them from harmful things. I would like them to learn to manage their behaviors and temptations—through establishing healthy boundaries—by the time they leave my home. 

It is important for my husband and me to be honest about our temptations and weaknesses, and to model healthy boundaries. Our kids need to know that having healthy boundaries is not just an issue for kids. Establishing healthy boundaries, having safeguards in place, is an issue for all of us. I often remind my kids, healthy people are not perfect people. Healthy people are aware of their weaknesses and have a plan to maintain health, even if they mess up. 

"I often remind my kids, healthy people are not perfect people. Healthy people are aware of their weaknesses and have a plan to maintain health, even if they mess up." Ashley Jameson Read more here: Kids, Let's Talk About Sex, Part 2
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Kids need to know that there is no such thing as a perfect person. Jesus was the only one. Real living is what my kids need to see, not a Pinterest-perfect Christian highlight reel. 

Kids Need to Know

Kids can smell fake from a mile away. If I have areas in my life that I haven’t dealt with, or are spinning out of control, they will know. They might not know the source or struggle exactly, but they will know that something is off. 

Working through my past trauma and addictive behaviors was the best parenting choice I’ve ever made. My recovery work continues to be the best parenting and marriage resource I have. Working on myself allowed me to apply the information and then organically pass it along to my kids as the opportunity presents itself.

When I maintain an open and honest relationship with my kids, it allows me to help them understand what’s going on throughout their development.

Here are four continuous conversations that I have with my kids: 

What is happening to their bodies physicallyHow misuse could impact them emotionally, spiritually, and physicallyHow God designed them and who they are in ChristWhat my role is as their parent and how much I love them, no matter what

In order to speak into these four areas, I need to make sure that I’m constantly educating and growing myself. Growing in my relationship with God and reading books about what my kids are going through are key for me. I need to make sure that my soul, body, and brain are healthy, so I can pass these things on to my kids.  

As a parent, your next step may be to figure out how you can work on your own health and change your family tree. The best thing you can do to teach your kids about emotional, sexual, and physical health is to model it yourself, then teach it organically. It’s worth it!

Lifelong change starts with us.

Kids, Let’s Talk About Sex Part 1 and Part 2 are reprints. You can find the original at Pure Desire Ministries here.

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Planning for the Holiday Break

Your kids have two weeks off for the holiday break and you’re worried. What will they do? How will they spend their time? Will everyone get along? And, will they stay out of trouble?

Long breaks are bittersweet. We love the extra time with our children, but the lack of routine can make for difficult days. So, before school lets out and families gather, make some plans. Plan how your children will spend their days, and plan to protect their devices.

Plan Your Holiday Break Time

Before the holiday break, sit with your children and ask how they intend to fill their days while they are home. Do they have homework? Are they hoping to get together with friends? What holiday traditions are they looking forward to? Discuss their expectations and yours. Some topics you may want to cover include: bed time, time they should get up in the morning, the amount of time they are allowed to spend on screens, and daily chores you want them to accomplish. Then brainstorm non-screen time activities. Grab the board games from the back of the closet, write a meal plan together, and make a list of favorite places to visit.

Your kids will be home for two weeks! Will they get along and stay out of trouble? Plan ahead for the holiday break. #hopefulmom #healthyrelationshions Planning for the Holiday Break
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Planning ahead and adding structure to the break helps everyone understand expectations and keep emotions in check. When our children get bored and don’t have direction, they are more apt to feel lonely or depressed. They may also spend extra time on their phones, which also leads to anxiousness and strife. When they have a purpose and a strategy, they feel useful and are more joyful.

Here are more ideas to help start your list:

Have a friend night.Drive around town and look at lights.Read aloud as a family.Plan a movie night.Bake cookies.Cook s’mores over a fire.Go shopping together.

Lean into your children’s likes. Do they enjoy crafting? Are they avid readers? Are they musical? Ask how you can help them hone their skills over the break.

Think of ways to assist others. Do your children have clothes they can donate? (This is a great time to clean out that closet!) Can they volunteer at a local non-profit? When shopping, are they willing to purchase an extra item to give away? Focusing on others lightens our mood and lifts our spirits.

Plan to Protect Devices

Christmas is a great time to purchase new devices. But we want to safeguard our children by adding protective features before we hand them over to our children. According to a recent Common Sense Media report, 58% of teens surveyed said they encountered pornography accidentally. So, plan to protect your children from stumbling across pornography.

Start by adding a filter to your Wi-Fi router or use a Wi-Fi router with a built-in filter. I recommend Gryphon (use this affiliate link for $10 off) or Bark Home Internet filter. With these filters, you can manage the internet connected devices in your home. For more extensive information on Wi-Fi routers and what they do, read The Ultimate Guide to Understanding Routers at Protect Young Eyes.The next level of protection is at the device level.  Add a filter on each Smartphone, computer, iPad, etc., like Covenant Eyes (use this affiliate link for 30 days free) or Canopy (use promo code Hopefulmom  to receive a 7 day free trial and a 20% discount on subscriptions).Then be sure to use the parental controls on the device and for each app. You’ll want to open the product and add this information to a newly-purchased item before gifting it to your child. If you’re confused about which phone or watch to is best for your child, read Secure Your Holidays: Complete Kid-Safe Smartphone and Watch Guideat Defend Young Minds.(Gabb Phones & Watches has a special discount if you use this affiliated link.)Last, but mostly importantly, have open, ongoing, honest discussions with your children about online dangers. Ask them questions and educate them about the harms. Remind them that you love them and it’s your job to keep them safe. These conversations solidify your relationship and create an atmosphere in which your child feels comfortable talking with you about any problems they have now or in the future. For more detailed information on helping your child understand what a healthy relationship is order your copy of Sexpectations today.

We hope your holiday break is full of joy and family fun!

Some of the above links are affiliate links. When you use these links to purchase an item, you are helping fund the Hopeful Mom website, which means helping other parents. Thank you! Merry Christmas!

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Kids, Let’s Talk About Sex, Part 1

I’m excited to have Ashley Jameson of Pure Desire Ministries with us again. She has some practical advice for us on how to talk about sex with our children. This is part one in a two-part series.

As the mother of four kids, I recognize the fear and hesitation that exists when talking with your kids about sex. But here’s the truth: one way or another, your kids WILL learn about sex. The question to ask yourself is, “From where, or what, do you want them to learn?”

My twin boys are now almost 20 years old. I know…scary, right? 

If it’s not the media or friends saturating them with sexuality, then it’s their own brain! Whether we like it or not, our kids are sexual beings.

Instead of asking parents if they’ve had the “talk” with their kids, we should focus on the environment we create for our kids––an environment where they can talk about anything, at anytime, without fear. 

When our kids come to us with a question and we respond with a gasp, scold, or change the subject, they learn that their parents are not safe. They will look somewhere else for answers. While we can all agree that it can be awkward in the beginning, the more you have these conversations—embracing the topic of sex and healthy sexuality—the easier it becomes. 

Being open and gracious will reinforce that you are a safe person to talk with about sex. 

When I understand the benefit of doing something, it makes it easier for me to do, even when it’s difficult. When my kids ask me a question, there have been times when it made me blush. As much as I would like to say, “We can talk about it later,” I know that if I don’t give them an answer, they will just ask their friends or search for answers on the Internet; and we ALL know that would lead to further discussions that would make me blush.  

My husband and I have been successful with a few strategies that help keep open the revolving door of conversation.

Share OUR Story

When talking with our kids, we incorporate as much of our story as possible. For example, when my son shared about a girl at his school, who acts flirty and desperate, I was able to share about how I acted when I was his age. I told him that I remember acting flirty because I was so desperate to feel loved. 

The more I can normalize what’s going on in their world, the more I can show them that I understand because I’ve been there.

If you haven’t conquered your own shame or the negative sexual experiences of your past, it will be challenging to be open with your kids. I had to dig out all my past junk and work out my own healing before feeling confident enough to share it with them. I had to BELIEVE that Christ redeemed me and loves me unconditionally. Only then could I model sexual health for my kids. 

Ask about their world, WITHOUT lecturing

Ask your kids what they hear and see at school. Briefly share some of the stories from when you were in school. If they begin sharing with you, just listen. This is NOT the time to lecture. Listen. When you create a safe environment, they will want connection. They will seek you out—offer information and share with you about their life—especially at 10 o’clock at night. 

Teens LOVE to talk late at night. So, get your coffee and be a listening ear when they want to talk.

When you build relationship with your kids, this is what happens: When my son was 14, he came to me with questions about a girl in his class who thought she was pregnant. In the moment, I knew I needed to ask my son several questions—questions that would allow me to gain insight into HIS thinking. “Why do you think she feels like she needs to be with all of those boys? I remember longing for attention and being willing to do anything to feel wanted. I felt so lonely as a young girl. I wonder if she feels that way too? I hope she knows how much Jesus loves her no matter what she does.”  

I told my son that I felt sorry for what the girl was going through. I encouraged him to make sure he was treating her with kindness and to avoid gossiping about her. I’m always surprised by his insight and perspective, especially as to the reasons behind destructive behavior. However, I wouldn’t know that if I dominated the conversation with my parental wisdom. 

"Instead of asking parents if they’ve had the “talk” with their kids, we should focus on the environment we create for our kids––an environment where they can talk about anything, at anytime, without fear." Kids, Let’s Talk About Sex,…
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Talk About Sex

Once the conversation is going, I can remind him that sex is one of God’s gifts to us, but that it can bring so much heartache outside of the context of marriage. Sex can even bring heartache IN a marriage if it is hijacked by selfishness. 

Responding out of fear and shortening his leash because of his age or what’s happening in his world, would only shut down communication. If we want our kids to learn how to be in relationship and have open, honest communication, we have to be willing to be vulnerable. We have to be safe for our kids. This way, they learn that they can share anything and everything with us—the good and the bad. 

Being vulnerable with our own stories, and creating a culture of grace, is the goal. It can be hard to know how to make that shift if it’s not something you have been intentional about. In my next blog, we will explore practical ways to create a safe environment in our home.

Ashley will be back with us next month to finish her Kids, Let’s Talk About Sex series. If you found this post helpful, please share it and subscribe to Hopeful Mom.

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Thank You

My 26-year-old had an issue but is doing well now . . .

My son wrote me a long letter explaining his predicament . . .

A family in our congregation is dealing with this right now . . .

My 31-year-old has had problems. I’m not sure how he’s doing . . .

I just found out my college-aged daughter . . .

I’m raising my grandson who deals with this problem . . .

I heard these comments while attending a conference recently. Some wanted to talk further about the issues their child had or has had with pornography. Some simply mentioned their struggle in passing. A few have children who now walk in freedom from their habit. A few are still in the midst. But all these parents and grandparents followed their initial statement with, “Thank you.”

Thank you for talking about pornography, nudes, and other problems our preteens and teens encounter online. . . . Thank you for Hopeful Mom. . . . Thank you for Sexpectations .

These discussions reminded me how pervasive pornography is and the number of households impacted by its slithering fingers. While society dictates that we should not open the door to conversations, parents want to share their burdens. They need to talk about the elephant in the room, the issues invading their space, hurting their children, and wrecking their homes.

I heard "thank you" numerous times at a recent conference. Parents want to share their burdens. They need to talk about the issues invading their space, hurting their children, and wrecking their homes. Thank You #hopefulmom…
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Hope and Prevention

And, besides helping the already wounded, can we prevent pornography and other online invasive concerns from harming additional children and families simply by talking about it?

We cannot ignore this problem any longer. Statistics tell us that most youth are exposed to pornography before age 18. We aren’t doing the next generation any favors by tiptoeing, pretending, or ignoring.

One dad and I were chatting about porn’s easy accessibility. I offered to speak at a parent organization he’s involved in. When he pitched the idea, one mom stated she was leery because sometimes sharing information with our children puts ideas into their heads. I hear this frequently, and I understand the objection. I subscribed to this thought once upon a time. However, we don’t take this stance when warning our children about the dangers of running into a street, touching a hot stove, or taking drugs.

If we think about it in relation to other cautions, we understand how presenting risks before our children face them can be beneficial. They will know how to respond, how to resist. They will be armed with the weapons necessary to defeat the enemy named pornography.

And, most importantly, they will know they can bring their problems—any problem—to us because they recognize we are willing to talk about the hard things.

Be the first person to talk with your child about pornography, nudes, sex, and sexuality. Take the initiative.

Break down the walls keeping us silent. Talk with a friend, counselor, or pastor about struggles within your home.

Again, I want to thank YOU, friend, for your encouraging words. Because of your support, I keep talking. The message is reaching other parents, grandparents, leaders, and educators. We are making a difference.

Please subscribe, like, and share. Others need the hope found here.

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The Sex Talk

This month’s guest post is written by Heather Cate from Proven Ministries. Grateful she’s here to give us some helpful hints on having the sex talk.

Do you remember your first “sex talk”?

I vaguely remember mine. My father showed me a picture book for kids with drawings and basic descriptions of our reproductive systems.

While I’m sure I grasped the concept of how babies get made, as much as one can grasp at the age of 8, what interested me more was sexuality.

Even though the memory of my “sex talk” is blurry, I distinctly remember being very curious about our anatomical features — how boys were different from me, a girl. And I remember being captivated by love stories. I loved romance. And as I grew into adolescence, I was captivated by romance and sex.

I kept these curiosities close. Similar to the experience of many of my peers, sex was a taboo subject. I think my parents were just embarrassed to talk about it, which is something they inherited from their parents.

I’m now in my late 20’s and I wonder — what would have happened if I had expressed my curiosity? What would have happened if I asked questions about sexuality? Would my parents have been able to respond in a matter-of-fact manner?

As a millennial evangelical, I grew up with purity culture. While my parents did not make me kiss dating goodbye, thankfully, my mom did hand me several purity books.

I devoured the purity books. Why? Because they were about not having sex and how bad that would be before marriage. And I loved romance and was curious about sex. I couldn’t wait to get married!

This environment, which was a blend of hush hush around the topic of sex and also the purity culture warnings of all the bad things that would happen if you had sex before marriage, has led to a number of issues for me and for my peers.

While I was never exposed, a number of my friends encountered internet pornography at a young age. Since sex was taboo and looking at porn was bad, these peers felt they couldn’t talk to their parents without getting in trouble. Instead, they sunk deeper and deeper.

Those of us, especially women, who stayed “pure” in accordance with the standards of purity culture often discovered on their wedding nights that they knew nothing practical about sex. They had expected it to be a night of magic, a scene from a fairy tale or a Nicholas Sparks movie, and instead had discovered that consummating the union can be hard, awkward, and far from perfect.

I personally have no hard feelings toward my parents! They were not equipped! Our world became increasingly sexualized as my generation grew up and most churches left the topic to youth group leaders teaching purity culture. Which, to be fair, wasn’t all bad. The main problem with purity culture is that it ramped up the shame around our bodies, our curiosities, our desires, and our accidental stumbling upon pornographic content on the internet.

We needed guidance, openness, and honesty. We needed sex to be taken off the pedestal, put in its place alongside the rest of married family life. At the same time, we needed to be encouraged to wait until marriage because sex is a very good gift from God.

I’m sure that you, parents, who are reading this account, want far more for your children. You want to give that biblical and unashamed guidance. Rather than simply telling your kids not to do it until marriage, you want to inspire them with a vision of the beauty of sex

And that is where the Proven Ministries video course, TheSexTalk.com, comes in.

I first started working at Proven Ministries as an office manager in July 2021. When I took the job, I knew that we were a ministry equipping churches, families, and individuals with resources to foster sexual integrity. What I didn’t know is that we were in the process of developing an incredibly exciting resource for parents.

This wasn’t a video course for parents to sit their kids down in front of and walk away, leaving the rest of it to us.

No, TheSexTalk.com is designed to equip parents to start having “the sex talk” early and often. And that’s the thing: it’s not a one-time deal. “The Sex Talk” is an ongoing conversation that will take place over the course of your child’s life. In fact, if you keep the conversation open and honest, you may even have the privilege of talking with your child about their adult sexual experiences!

Why does this matter?

Scripture instructs us to raise up our children in the way they should go.

We believe the way children should go is — at home in their bodies, unashamed in their understanding of how their bodies were made to experience pleasure, and living in integrity and chastity until, Lord-willing, they enter a holy marital union.

At the same time, we have all fallen short. Not one of us is perfect. So sexual purity is not something we are born with; rather, we receive purity in Jesus Christ and we continue to pursue it even in the context of marriage.

Your children will fail and sin sexually. This will look different for each of them. But as a parent, you want your child to be able to talk with you about this. The path to healing and sanctification requires confessing our sins and bringing them into the light.

TheSexTalk.com will help you do this. In an early video in the course, Josh Glasser lays out a framework for addressing your own sexual sin and appropriately sharing that with your child. In a later video, Matt Fradd offers a script for you to use in the instance of discovering that your child has seen pornography. In this script, you, as the parent, apologize for failing to keep your son or daughter safe from the harms of pornography exposure.

The experts in this video course are warm and approachable. Watching our videos is like sitting in a room with Curt Thompson and Dan Allender. They’ve been in your shoes. They have children of their own. And they will give you some of the most invaluable wisdom and instruction on how to start having conversations with your children about sex.

It’s no wonder that I was curious as a child. Sex is a beautiful gift God gave his children to enjoy in marriage. When spouses practice intimacy, they bring God glory.

The world wants to destroy this specific instance of God’s glory and goes after your children from a young age. Don’t let your child discover the details of their bodies and their desires from sources that want to damage and destroy them.

Raise up your children in the way they should go. Sign up for TheSexTalk.com today to get equipped to start raising your child in the way they should go with their bodies, their curiosities, their desires, and their relationships.

We at Hopeful Mom are excited to tell you about this resource! We have partnered with them as an affiliate so your access to this course will equally bless our ministry and our efforts to support parents in an online world. This course will be a game changer for you as you set out to equip and protect your children to thrive is our sex-saturated world. To check out the course click here. Use promo code hopefulmom10 for 10% off.

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Judy Blume Answered Our Questions, Google Answers Theirs

“We must—we must—we must increase our bust!” I grew up reading Judy Blume books. This line from Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret is part of my permanent memory. In the book, Margaret learned a lot about herself and hit puberty in the span of 192 pages. She and her friends were determined to look like the girls they saw in Playboy. They vow to do exercises to increase their bust size while chanting this memorable mantra. Throughout the book they each acquire bras and come of age by finally getting their period.

I learned a lot from Judy Blume while coming of age myself.

Judy Blume taught me about getting a period, masturbation, and sexual intercourse. I learned about flirting, relationships, and breakups by reading Deenie and Forever. I still remember Deenie trying her back brace on for the first time and Katherine and Michael’s first attempt at making love in Forever. I also remember how their relationship didn’t last forever. Instead, they broke up by the end of the book.

I read these books because I was curious.

Curiosity is normal and natural. I still go throughout my day wondering why my husband put his shoes there or why a neighbor planted that particular tree in their yard. If I spend a few minutes asking questions and clarifying responses, I learn a lot and build deeper relationships.

Many parents answer the “Why?” question all day long. From the time they can speak, children ponder why rules exist or why items work the way they do. Some sound like a firing squad, spatting “Why?” at us so often we can’t wait until they fall asleep. Others quietly consider the whys of life and how the world functions. Mostly, we do our best to answer their questions and help them understand the ins and outs of life.

So why are we surprised when preteens and teens are curious about sex, sexuality, and how bodies function? Human beings have emotions and chemical reactions causing us to be attracted to and desire others. Again, normal and natural. Of course, they want to understand why and figure out how to respond to these feelings.

The average age of first exposure to pornography is between 8 and 12 years old. Most stumble across it accidentally, but many find it because they’re curious. And, of course, they do what most of us do when we have a question. They look for answers. My generation had Judy Blume. They have Google.

Why are we surprised when our kids are curious about sex? We had questions, too. Unfortunately, porn lurks online waiting for them to type the correct combination of words. Judy Blume Answered Our Questions, Google Answers Theirs…
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They’ve observed us using that online search box so many times, their automatic response to the “Why?” question is to Google the answer.

What do breasts look like? Google it.

What does sex feel like? Look it up.

Where do babies come from? Why do people have sex? What’s masturbation? Is touching myself normal? What does ____ look like? Is this ____ behavior normal? The list goes on.

I was shocked to learn my son had seen pornography. But in hindsight, it’s not so shocking. Porn lurks online waiting for a child to type the correct combination of words. Then it jumps onto their computer screen. When a child wants an answer to their innocent questions and asks Google before running to mom or dad, porn is there to satisfy their curiosity . . . and then some.

Rather than assume our children wouldn’t dare look it up (or hang out with friends who would show them), let’s be prepared. We can protect our households by adding filters to our Wi-Fi and devices and using parental controls. We can also prepare our children by bringing up these topics and answering their questions honestly and directly. Be their walking encyclopedia, and caution them about running to Google for anything and everything.

And when they do see pornography, respond in love. Be available. Listen. And help them process their feelings.

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Porn Addiction Consequences from One Who’s Been There

I’m grateful to introduce you to Cody Moen. Cody’s story, his childhood and how his porn addiction affected his life, is touching. I love his descriptions, his authenticity and his desire to help parents and trusted adults understand the importance of talking about healthy relationships with their children. Be sure to read to the end for a resource he is passionate about.

I wish…

It’s a common phrase filled with all sorts of meaning depending on the context. Sometimes it’s said wistfully, wishing you were at the beach instead of the office. Other times in anger as someone cuts you off in traffic, wishing you could exact righteous wrath. In some cases, it’s said in sorrow and grief. In my case, it’s the latter circumstance that I say, “I wish…”

I wish there were a lot of things that were different in my childhood. I wish my parents didn’t divorce. I wish my mom and dad were involved and interested in my life. I wish they had talked to me about life in all its banality and beauty. I wish they talked to me about relationships and marriage, especially since they had a divorce.

Instead, I was left to my own devices. I had to learn how to navigate the world largely on my own. I wasn’t physically, emotionally, or verbally abused. I wasn’t the target of hatred or malice or evil. I was provided with food, clothes, a roof, schooling, and so forth. But was there connection? Was there a relationship with either my mom or dad? Was there any involvement, even curiosity, as I grew up? Perhaps growing up in a disengaged family is a form of abuse that manifests itself as neglect, but I don’t consider myself “abused.” I wish that I didn’t go through what I did though.

I wish that I had some involvement in my life, some instruction and guidance that could’ve saved me from a lot of heartache. That’s not reality, however. And as much as I can say, “I wish,” that won’t change anything that has happened. There are more scars than there are words I’m allotted for this post, so I will focus on one scar which I hope will save you, dear reader, from saying, “I wish…”

Porn Addiction

I didn’t grow up in a Christian family, so maybe that contributed to my mother’s “boys will be boys” attitude towards my porn use. It started sometime in the 8th or 9th grade and porn became a cheap substitute for the intimacy that I didn’t receive in my family. At the time I had no negative feelings towards it, much less knowledge that I had a porn addiction. It was just something that I, and a number of my peers, watched. For years I used porn to medicate boredom, stress, and loneliness. And boredom, stress, and loneliness became prominent features of my life when I got out of the military.

"My porn use started in 8th or 9th grade and became a cheap substitute for the intimacy I didn't receive in my family." Cody Moen in the latest post at Hopeful Mom – Porn Addiction Consequences from One Who’s Been There…
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When I came back stateside from overseas, I was depressed, shocked, and in turmoil. My identity was shattered, and I was a wreck. So, I went to what I knew would help with the pain: porn. This was soon coupled with premarital sex when I started dating a woman in college. We both had similar emotional health (disastrous) and were looking for comfort from something (not someone). Our backgrounds, values, and beliefs were completely different, but we both knew pain, and misery loves company. In hindsight, she was emotionally abusive and manipulative towards me and sex with her only became an extension of my porn addiction.

Consequences

Sin has consequences which sometimes manifests itself quickly and other times later on in life. In my case it was around six weeks. My stepmom called late at night to tell me my dad was in a serious car accident. I was eight hours away from them, but I resolved to drive through the night back home. My girlfriend came with me, and when we finally arrived early in the morning, he was at the hospital in a stable condition. The relief was immense, but the stress was still high. Added to the drive and lack of sleep, I was in emotional pain. Sex was an extension of my porn addiction, and I sought comfort from my pain.

Six weeks later we found out she was pregnant. Talk about an earthquake only two people in a city of thousands felt. It was all at once awesome (in the true meaning of the word), joyous, and shocking. I was going to be a dad! A dad. Woah. I was going to have a child? Woah. I’m going to have a child? It was a wonderful experience of emotions as my world shifted underneath my feet.

Then the questions of how were two college students going to take care of a child came up. Our differing backgrounds, value systems, and beliefs came front and center: I saying we can take care of the child and she saying she’s going to have an abortion.

The world shifted again underneath my feet.

Sin has consequences. Sometimes those consequences are quick. Other times it takes a while to see them. If pain itself could speak, I heard it on the phone call after the procedure.

I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to put it into words. The loss. The emptiness. Shame. Forlorn. Agony. The feeling of failure from not being able to protect your child. The feeling of responsibility for having brought life into the world and not bearing it. The feeling of shame for my role and her role.

It’s been four years since the abortion, yet the scar is only newly healed. Perhaps things would have turned out differently had my parents talked to me more about relationships, sex, the dangers of porn addiction, etc., but that is only wishful thinking. The reality is that they didn’t, and only after experiencing all that pain did I learn.

I pray that you, dear reader, will be courageous enough to talk to your own children about relationships, sex, the dangers of porn, hookup culture, and life in all its banality and beauty. I pray that you will do what you can to save yourself and your children from having this scar. If you don’t know where to start, then I recommend Barb Winters book, Sexpectations, as a starting point.

I pray also that if you have experienced this pain, you will believe and trust that you are forgiven. There is no sin that Jesus Christ hasn’t bore on the Cross—even your abortions—that isn’t forgiven. All sins have been paid for by His blood. God forgives you and wants you to come to Him. He is waiting for you with open arms (Luke 15:11-32).

If you’re looking for help and healing after an abortion you can start your path here: https://supportafterabortion.com/

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