Barb Winters's Blog, page 4

Ripple Effects of a Child’s Porn Use on Parents

“When my son’s indiscretions surfaced, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut and then kicked while down. I was unknowingly in a war zone, and when the bomb exploded, I was hit. The fallout of his conduct landed on me.”[i]

If you’re a parent, grandparent, or sibling of a child who watches (or watched) pornography, you’re likely hurt, sad, and/or mad. You may experience shame and guilt as well. That’s understandable.

Ripple effects of youth who watch pornography extend to those close by.

The following are potential ripple effects parents experience when a child watches pornography.

Parents Grieve

Grief follows any type of loss, not just a physical death. The day I learned my son watched porn, the son I knew vanished. Within a matter of minutes, he became someone different. And I grieved the loss of the son I thought I knew, the loss of his innocence, and the loss of the young man he could have become.

I couldn’t have labeled my roller-coaster emotions at the time, but that’s what happened.

I entered the shock and denial stages of grief immediately. As time passed, I bounced around and through the other stages. Eventually—after quite some time—I landed on acceptance.

Parents Feel Betrayed

Betrayal trauma, one of the ripple effects, is the damage caused by a betrayal, affecting the trust, safety, and security within the relationship.

In her book Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Keffer states, “Trauma is a reaction of our bodies, minds, and emotions to a deeply distressing event. The earth-shattering incident changes the way we see people in our world and unravels our sense of safety. We can’t go back. We can’t erase what happened to us. Who we are and how we live significantly shift. Like a death, earthquake, or car crash, the event happens suddenly and changes us without warning, causing us to feel shock, denial, agony, terror, or helplessness.”

These reactions are typically short-lived but can be ongoing if the deception, betrayal, is ongoing.[ii]

Parents who learn they’ve been deceived for an extended period lose their sense of trust and experience triggers due to betrayal trauma.

Parents Struggle with How to View Their Child

I grew up in a culture that said people who snuck into the back end of the video store were creeps, the riffraff of society. Monsters. So, when I found out my son was one of those people who watched X-rated content, I couldn’t figure out how to picture him.

My kid was funny, creative, and personable. He loved life, talked incessantly, and had long conversations with us about theology, math, and the letter of the law. He was the only one of our four children who hadn’t lied to me. Except he had.

I couldn’t mesh these two schools of thought: My son’s amazing. My son’s a monster.How could that be? I struggled. My perspective disrupted my ability to interact with him.

That’s not a great way to parent a child.

Thankfully, as I researched the damaging effects on pornography and learned about brain science, the picture of my son changed. He wasn’t a monster; he was a victim of a billion-dollar industry that preys on children and a society that allowed it to happen.

Later, my perspective changed further. My son wasn’t a monster, and he wasn’t just a victim. He was a potential victor. That was life-giving.

Our children are human beings living in a fallen world, and they will sin. But that doesn’t mean they are bad people—or monsters.

Parents Think They’ve Broken Their Child

I thought I broke my child. If only I’d known how easily accessible pornography was. If only I’d purchased those filters we’d talked about. If only I’d nurtured my son differently.

Yes, I had failed in some areas. For those infractions, I sought God’s forgiveness and my son’s forgiveness.

On the other hand, the weight on my shoulders, the never-ending self-talk of failing and having broken my child never to be whole again—that self-talk was false guilt brought on by an enemy who likes to see us wallowing in self-pity and self-abasement.

What is your If only …?

If we get stuck here, constantly berating ourselves, neither we nor our child will heal.

As parents, we can accept responsibility for the part we played but choose not to allow false guilt to weigh us down.

When a child watches pornography, the ripple effects extend to parents. What are they and what can we do? Ripple Effects of a Child’s Porn Use on Parents #fightthenewdrug #pornharms
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Parents Take Their Child’s Decision Personally

“We’re apt to assume our children think about the ramifications of their actions and how those consequences affect those around them. If they’ve disregarded our advice, we believe they’ve purposefully rebelled against us. In our minds, we see our children rationally thinking through all their choices and picking the one that angers us the most because they don’t believe us and are out to get us.”[iii]

Yet, typically, their decisions have nothing to do with us. It’s not personal.

Curiosity or a need (real or perceived) motivates them. Then, once they’re trapped in the behavior, their cravings take over.

Recognizing their choices aren’t a personal attack frees us to forgive and parent from love, not fear or anger.

Parents Are Wounded

This is the bottom line. Our children aren’t the only ones hurting. We are wounded, too. We have an oozing gash affecting our life.

Thankfully, wounds heal.

Are you wounded? What ripple effects are you experiencing? Are there areas that need healing? I encourage you to evaluate your situation and tend to any hurts that still exist because of your child’s behavior.

*The above is compiled from a breakout session I taught recently at the Sexual Integrity Leadership Summit in Colorado Springs, CO. My greatest joy during the conference was having my daughter there as a friend and colleague. She let me borrow her computer. Love the stickers!

[i] Quote from Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Generations, p. 162

[ii] Keffer, Intimate Deception, p. 45.

[iii] Quote from Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Generations, p. 163-164.

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Kids Judge Their Bodies: What Can We Do?

Linda Stewart is back, continuing the conversation on how kids judge their bodies and how we and our children can learn to value the body. This topic is especially important since many preteens and teens learn to judge themselves based on what they see on social media and in pornographic videos. I learned so much in this post, and I’m sure you will find something valuable and applicable. If you haven’t already, read Kids Judge Their Bodies Part 1 here.  

“How can I teach my kids to view theirs and others’ bodies without judgement?” The most effective way is probably the most difficult because it requires that we as parents, grandparents, and mentors deconstruct our own beliefs that affirm the body as a source of our value. If we can make the effort and begin this process so that we model the truth for kids, it can be so effective. We can demonstrate in our daily lives that every body is priceless because it expresses the irreplaceable and unrepeatable beauty of that person as a reflection of God. We can model this truth through our treatment of our own and others’ bodies.

Another practical approach to the value of the body is to affirm the body as an expression of who we are rather than an acceptable or unacceptable (depending on the day) accessory to who we are. Some examples:

"The body is an expression of who we are rather than an accessory to who we are." Kids Judge Their Bodies: What Can We Do? – guest post by Linda Stewart #hopefulmom #mentalhealth
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–  When a child comments about her body’s appearance, bring the conversation back to how her body expresses her person. One example is the story of a teen who expressed serious concern over scarring from a surgical procedure. While really listening to this teen and hearing his experience, I also offered a different perspective that brought the conversation back to his whole, embodied person: “Just think of all the scars and marks that your body collects over the course of your lifetime. One of the ways your body expresses who you are is by keeping track of some of the experiences along the way that make you, you.”

–  Any time you receive an innocent comment from a young child about the size or shape of your body, any scars, shape of your tummy, or even the skin hanging on your arms, (please tell me I’m not the only one!) address your response to the body part mentioned and connect it with the way that part expresses something about you as a person with unrepeatable and inestimable value:

“No one else in the whole world has my arms. My arms carried you when you were little, hold you when you’re sick, and tickle you when you ask me to. My arms help me to express my love for you and others.”“No one else in the whole world has my stomach. My stomach digests my food so that I have good energy for work or play each day. My stomach tells me when I’m feeling nervous or excited or hungry or full.”

–  If you have or work with older children, make different connections. Gently but consistently challenge statements your teen makes about his body as the source of his value. Affirm your teen’s body as an unrepeatable and irreplaceable expression of who she is in those moments that she draws value from her appearance. For example:

“When I look at you, I see your incredible smile that makes people feel comfortable and loved!”“Please don’t talk negatively about yourself. When I look at you, I see how you love others, help strangers and friends, and how you laugh and joke the way only you can. You are literally one-of-a-kind. I love getting to know more about you and getting to know God better through you by experiencing how you see the world.”

We hope our kids see themselves and others as whole embodied persons of inestimable value and worth. They are inundated with messages that convey the opposite; that value and worth are judged based solely on the body’s appearance. Instead of unintentionally affirming this damaging message, let’s work together to make sure kids understand the body’s appearance is an unrepeatable and irreplaceable expression of who we are as human persons made in God’s image. You give your child(ren) a profound gift any time you cast a bigger and more beautiful vision for the body as a priceless expression of each unrepeatable person.

If talking about our embodied persons in this way intrigues you, I wanted to let you know that this and other topics are covered in our blogs and podcasts.

Have you explored the shop page at Hopeful Mom yet? There are several new items available, including two downloadable booklets. These are perfect for the parent who has learned their child has been exposed to pornography.

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Mental Health and Youth

May is mental health awareness month.

We hear the phrase “mental health” often. So, let’s define it, see what affects it, and consider ways to help our children avoid mental health challenges.

What is mental health?

“Mental health is a state of mental well-being that enables people to cope with the stresses of life, realize their abilities, learn well and work well, and contribute to their community.”[i] This “includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act, and helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices.”[ii]

Mental health is an integral part of who we are. Therefore, looking after our mental well-being is necessary, not only to live our best lives, but also to avoid any instability affecting others.

What contributes to mental health issues in youth?

According to the CDC, “in 2021, more than 4 in 10 (42%) students felt persistently sad or hopeless and nearly one-third (29%) experienced poor mental health.” Additionally, “more than 1 in 5 (22%) students seriously considered attempting suicide and 1 in 10 (10%) attempted suicide.”[iii]

Some risks that contribute to issues in youth include peer pressure, media influence, quality of home life (including living conditions), violence (including sexual violence and bullying), harsh parenting, socioeconomic problems, illnesses or disabilities, and stigma.[iv] Additionally, preteens and teens with low self-esteem or who drink, vape, take drugs, participate in sexual activity, send/receive nudes, or watch pornography have a higher probability of having mental health problems.

If our children aren’t equipped with proper coping skills and aren’t confident in their abilities, these risks may contribute to sadness, loneliness, depression, or self-harm. The preteen or teen may act out, develop a behavioral disorder or an eating disorder, have thoughts of suicide, or other problems.

Signs of Issues

The following list of behaviors to look for was composed by SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration):

Feeling very sad or withdrawn or easily irritated for more than two weeksSeriously trying to harm or kill themselves, or making plans to do soExperiencing sudden overwhelming fear for no reason, sometimes with a racing heart or fast breathingGetting in many fights or wanting to hurt othersShowing severe out-of-control behavior that can hurt oneself or othersNot eating, throwing up, or using laxatives to make themselves lose weightHaving intense worries or fears that get in the way of daily activitiesExperiencing extreme difficulty controlling behavior, putting themselves in physical danger or causing problems in schoolUsing drugs or alcoholHaving severe mood swings that cause problems in relationshipsShowing drastic changes in behavior or personalityA drop in their school performance[v]

A child’s mental stability can deteriorate over time or drop quickly. If you notice their disposition changing or see any of the above signs, talk with them. Click here for specific questions you can ask. If you continue to be concerned, consult a professional.

The crisis text line is 741741. The suicide & crisis lifeline number is 988.

Our children’s mental well-being is as important as their physical and intellectual well-being. Let’s be serious about nurturing it.

Nurturing Mental Health

Here are a few ideas to nurture mental health, both yours and your child’s. Talk these over with your preteen and teen.

Set the phone aside. On second thought, monitor all time on screens. Too much screen time diminishes mental well-being.[vi]Practice gratitude. Verbally thank the people around you when they are kind. Consciously look for belongings, characteristics, surroundings, and physical characteristics you’re grateful for. Is the sun shining? Is there food in your refrigerator? Did someone enlighten you, inspire you or compliment you?Eat nutritious meals and drink water. Find a nutrition plan that works for you and/or your child. Avoid foods that lower immunity systems and eat foods that fuel the body. When we feel good physically, our mental well-being is better.Go outside. Fresh air and sunshine contribute to a healthier person.Interact with others. Call a friend, someone who makes you laugh and helps you feel good about yourself.Exercise. Movement is healthy.Breathe. Spend a few minutes concentrating on your breathing.Take short breaks throughout the day. Move away from your work. Engage in a different activity for a few minutes.Do something you love. Read a book. Color. Draw. Knit. Put a puzzle together. Lift weights. Go to a yoga class. Host a game night. Whatever boosts your spirit, spend a few minutes each day feeding that part of you.Get enough sleep. Lack of sleep contributes to sadness and depression. Our bodies require uninterrupted sleep.

Mental health is affecting our youth. This piece has 10 ideas to nurture mental health. Here's one: define limits and learn when to say "no." Mental Health and Youth #mentalhealth #hopefulmom
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BONUS: Say “no.” Know your limits and stay within them. Adjust your schedule as necessary. When an emergency or trauma in your household arises, it’s okay to say no to the extra activities on your calendar. There is a time to pull back. But be sure not to isolate.

We hope these signs and suggestions are helpful. Remember that ongoing, honest conversations with your teens are important. It shows them you care and are available when they need help.

The second downloadable booklet in the My Child Saw Porn series, What Do I Do Now? is now available on Hopeful Mom’s Shop/Donate page. In this 23-page booklet, you’ll learn what action steps to take if you’ve learned one of your children saw porn. This booklet follows the first in the series, You Are Not Alone, also available at the Shop/Donate page.

[i] https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-health-strengthening-our-response

[ii] https://www.samhsa.gov/mental-health

[iii] https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/mental-health/index.htm#:

[iv] https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/adolescent-mental-health

[v] https://www.samhsa.gov/mental-health/how-to-talk/parents-and-caregivers

[vi] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6214874/

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Kids Judge Their Bodies – Part I

My friend Linda Stewart is our guest for this post. She talks with us about how kids (and, let’s face it, us too) judge themselves based on their bodies. I learned some things in this post, and I hope you do, too! Linda co-wrote Before the Sex Talk: A Theology of the Body Approach for Parents and Mentors and is a board member of Sexual Integrity Leaders. (I’m speaking at their summit in May 2024. I highly recommend attending!)

We’ve learned to judge ourselves and our bodies. Messages that our value is based on our physical appearance seem to circulate in the air around us! We’ve also learned to judge others the same way, and we tend to pass what we’ve learned down to our kids, even if we don’t mean to. How can we stop passing these messages onto our children and replace the damaging thoughts that shape our and our kids’ self-assessments?

At THE Conversation website, Linda Noble and I established that we are embodied human persons, that the body expresses the person, and that the body and the person can’t be separated. It’s so important to integrate the value of the person with the person’s body. In what way is the value of my person related to the way I see my body?

Well, the perceived answer quickly becomes a personal one, so I’ll just speak from my own experience. I might be able to give a good Sunday school answer, “If I had a God-made price tag attached to my person it would read, ‘PRICELESS.’” Admittedly, it’s easier for me to say this about others. With an internal struggle, that would be invisible to you, I could admit that I am priceless because God sees me as priceless. But if I had to concede that this God-made price tag would necessarily be attached to my body that expresses my person, I would more likely cringe. I evaluate my body with a different kind of criteria and sometimes this means more to me than the value God claims that He has bestowed on me as a person. Throw aging and health related issues into the mix, and the criteria with which I tend to evaluate my body’s appearance drastically reduces the number of days that I can honestly assign a positive value to my own body and therefore my embodied self.

Culture encourages us to sculpt and enhance the appearance of our bodies in an attempt to feel better about ourselves to get others to notice us. Kids Judge Their Bodies – Part I #hopefulmom #mentalhealth
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Culture tends to encourage us to sculpt and enhance the appearance of our bodies in an attempt to feel better about ourselves as well as to get others to notice and affirm us. Do you hear how that language reveals that we use our bodies in attempts to increase our perceived value? Social media and technology present us and our children with so many possible ways to put our physical bodies in front of an audience and seek affirmation that my body is good enough, or even to get agreement from others about the parts of my body that aren’t good enough. These options are on a continuum of less harmful to truly harmful. Many kids today are encouraging each other and celebrating each other with fire and heart emojis and comments about each other’s appearance. Some though, are bullied or shamed by friends or total strangers. Both experiences attach our kids’ value to their physical appearance, and the toll this takes can be subtle and nuanced. This teaches our children that their value is dependent on the judgment their body receives.

It can feel so good to be noticed, and when people notice us approvingly, even though it’s not possible for our inestimable value to go up, we often feel like it does. The reverse holds true as well, when I or someone else judge my appearance as not great, it feels to me like my value then plummets.  But the good news is that our bodies have value WAY beyond how they measure up to cultural standards of beauty. Our bodies are God’s design for expressing our person made in the image of God.

Each person – each embodied person – images God in an “irreplaceable and unrepeatable way.” Since I am a body-person, and my body and person are inseparable, my body must be judged as priceless (both by myself and by others).  It expresses the beauty of my person as a reflection of God.

THIS truth is a gift that we can give our kids and the kids we work with. Together, we can help our kids reframe or even prevent them from internalizing the message that the body’s appearance is a source of their value and worth.

What are some practical ways to do this? We’ll explore this answer in Part Two.

Check out Barb’s upcoming speaking engagements. (You’ll find info regarding the Sexual Integrity Leadership on this page.) Subscribe at Barb’s YouTube channel! While you’re there, check out the Barb in Public playlist. You’ll find links to interviews, podcasts, and public speaking engagements.

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How to talk about AI and porn: a guide for parents

I’m thrilled to introduce you to Julia Daniels of Ever Accountable. She’s here to help us understand how to talk about AI and porn with our children. This is a powerhouse article full of fantastic resources.

While Taylor Swift’s deepfake porn debacle on Twitter caught the attention of national and international news, a growing number of similar news stories have been hitting the headlines regularly. In many cases, they involve AI-generated deepfake porn and minors. Parents and teens are alarmed as AI and porn is unleashing deadly dangers – creating a new wave of image based sexual abuse and sextortion. Even the American Academy of Pediatrics recently issued a warning. 

What you don’t know about AI-generated porn could blindside you and your family.  But clearly naming something dangerous starts destroying its power. 

AI-generated porn 

Some call deepfake AI-generated porn “face-swapping”, but that is a bit simplistic. Sadly, the ways AI tools can be used are now almost limitless. 

“In AI-generated child pornography, a user can use specialized software to make requests about the subject’s age, physique, and position.  With repeated prompting, users can fashion AI-generated child pornography to meet their desires.” www.digitalbirdsandbees.com

Ways AI-generated porn endangers children

AI is creating a huge uptick in child sexual abuse materials (and real children are being exploited as a result).Children are using AI tools to produce AI-generated child sexual abuse materials- especially targeting girls as young as middle school. AI-generated porn further normalizes ‘anime’ style porn (also increasing the risk for teen anime fans discovering porn).Explosion of sextortion threats online, especially against teen boys 

“Girls frequently feel less-than because they know that some of their peers have the impression that they’re allowed to be thoughtlessly degrading. And further, they know that a portion of society values them only as objects. They walk through the world with that weight on their shoulders, and it’s up to all of us to help lift it.” Jessica Gross,  The New York Times 

When to talk about porn (and AI)

After listening to many moms, I’ve found my story is pretty common. I was utterly convinced that my daughter did not need a smart phone in middle school and early high school. That made me a bit of a “mean” mom, though I had a few mom friends who felt the same way. 

However, I was totally unprepared for the onslaught of exposure to “soft porn” and highly sexualized content on other children’s unprotected devices. Unfortunately, every social media or gaming app with private messaging exploits vulnerable children. 

As soon as your child is exposed to other children who use the internet, you need to have “Good Pictures, Bad Pictures” conversations. The time to start talking about body safety and respect as well as good pictures and bad pictures is pre-K and kindergarten. 

The consequences of not talking about this topic early can be dire. As Heidi Olson, sexual assault nurse examiner notes: “from 2015 until now – a huge spike in the number of boys aged 11-15 committing sexual assault.”

6 tips to talk to your middle-school child (and teens) about AI and porn

Talk about AI as a powerful tool that can be used as a deadly weapon to hurt people such as creating porn.Clearly explain that making AI deepfake nude or sexual images is a form of cyberbullying and is illegal.Emphasize that images you put on the internet can live forever, harm others, and can result in criminal charges (even for teens) depending on your state laws.Using AI properly as a tool requires proper training and adult supervision. Tell a safe adult If someone makes sexual AI images and shows or tells you about this.Make a plan together for healthy use of technology – including a “mistake escape” plan. 

"Talk about AI as a powerful tool that can be used to hurt people." One of six tips Julia Daniels of Ever Accountable offers to talk with middle-schoolers about AI and porn. How to talk about AI and porn: a guide for parents
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Tips for a “mistakes happen” conversation and promise

Difficult news stories frequently crop up now – teens committing suicide due to an online sexting/sextortion leak or social media mistake. But you can potentially use these stories for a vital conversation starter! (If your teen confides suicidal ideations, the Mayo Clinic offers some helpful pointers.)

What if your child admits to an online mistake? Instead of shaming your child, assure them that you will love them and help them “no matter what”!

Ways of fighting back against online mistakes

Be okay with saying no to permitting social apps.Protect your children’s identity online on your own social media.Utilize resources for taking down nudes and legal means for fighting image-based sexual abuse. (listed below)Fight AI with an AI-powered porn blocker, plus teach online accountability – depending on your family’s current needs. (links below)

At Ever Accountable, we strongly encourage open sharing of all online activity with our accountability app on unlimited devices. Our weekly accountability reports encourage regular conversations between parents and young teens about online safety. 

If your child is already struggling with viewing online porn, our updated Bulldog Blocker app (powered by AI, ironically) blocks porn from being viewed, helping to break the cycle. 

Help if your child is already a victim of AI-generated porn

Dealing with image-based sexual abuse is both challenging and traumatizing. Similar to being a victim of sex-trafficking, recovery may feel impossible at the moment. Assure your child that there is a beautiful life possible despite this event.

However, even if you feel powerless, there are a few immediate positive action steps you can take: 

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation has a legal team ready to help victims of online sexual abuse. (Please save any evidence immediately.)Another resource is Cyber Civil Rights online safety center’s list of attorneys. Fight the New Drug has compiled this very helpful list of ways to fight back, practice self-care, and heal.  Ask Google to take down images and hold their feet to the fire. Search for a trauma-based therapist for long-term recovery help. 

Please care for yourself and your child kindly. Your one and only life matters. If you’re reading this and it’s a rough day, you can talk to someone for FREE. Text HOME to 741741.

Conclusion: 

Yes, it feels like we’ve “outed” a conspiracy – the “Perfect Storm” online threatening a wholesome childhood. But armed with our loving support and guidance, our children can survive this digital onslaught and thrive.  While no parent is able to protect their children from all online harms, being aware means you can immediately address these harms and mistakes. Even more crucial, you can begin helping your child heal from the damages. Finally, it’s important to empower other parents. Let’s band together, share vital information, and support each other in this storm.

Check out Barb’s upcoming speaking engagements. (You’ll find info regarding the Sexual Integrity Leadership in May and the Southeast Homeschool Expo in July on this page.) Subscribe at Barb’s YouTube channel! While you’re there, check out the Barb in Public playlist. You’ll find links to interviews, podcasts, and public speaking engagements.

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You Matter

My son exited his bedroom and walked toward the front door.

“Are you leaving?”

Silence.

“Are you going to work?”

He turned to me, stared, then gave a quick nod.

“Okay. . . Have a great day!”

The door slammed.

I sighed. I felt invisible, unnoticed, and depleted.

Parenting a preteen or teen can be exhausting. Depressing even. And we may wonder if we really matter. Are our efforts worth it? Are we making a difference?

Even though your child may not express it, you are making a difference.

On your worst day, you matter. On the day your daughter disrespects you, you matter. On the day your son ignores you, you matter. And on the day you learn your teen fell prey to an addiction or habitual habit, propelling them down a wrong path, you matter.

Parents: Your Presence Matters. Your Voice Matters. Your Ideas Matter. Your Efforts Matter. You Matter #healthyrelationships #keeptalking #fightthenewdrug
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Your Presence Matters – Teens may hide in their bedrooms or ignore us. But, even though they don’t show it or even realize it themselves, they need to know we are physically present. Be available. Listen intently. Pay attention. If a child treats you unkindly, politely redirect. When your feet want to flee, stay close. You are a necessary component in your child’s life.

Your Posture Matters – Our children are watching. Our mannerisms, facial expressions, and attitude are contagious. Our approach to life impacts those around us. Have meltdowns privately and remain calm in front of your children. Their behavior is not personal. They are finding themselves and need a safe place to both succeed and fail.

Your Voice Matters – How we state our position counts. Our voice inflection and rate of speech has an impact on our message. Speak softly. Respond kindly. Say “I love you” frequently.

Your Ideas Matter – Even when they roll their eyes or cut us off, they are listening. Treat them well, ask questions to help them think, offer advice, and be there whether they fall or prosper. Speak truth. Impart wisdom.

Your Efforts Matter – When they complain about our cooking, we can keep offering them food. When they grumble because we ask them to do chores, we can keep teaching them responsibility. When they break our rules, we can hold fast to our consequences. Their brains are still under construction, and our guidance is crucial.

Your Love Matters – When their friend backstabs, their bestie moves, or their romantic relationship crumbles, our love continues. Show them love. Teach them love. A well-placed hug or smile reminds them that they matter.

Your Existence Matters – Mom, Dad, Grandparent, Caregiver, Leader, Educator: You are special and unique. You are the only you that exists. You play an important role in your child’s life. You have a purpose. When no one else sees you or pays attention to your thoughts, you still matter. Keep trying. Keep loving your child. Keep talking. You’ve got this!

Friends – I’m excited to tell you that you can now shop and donate at Hopeful Mom. Check out the SHOP/DONATE page. I will be adding more products in the near future. My hope is to have mini-books in the form of PDFs available for purchase. Stay tuned! In the meantime, be sure to subscribe and follow me on social media. Oh – and subscribe at my YouTube channel. So much fun!

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A Millennial Talks About Internet Filters, Pornography, and Addiction

“I was first introduced to online sexting with strangers when I was 12 years old through an online video game on my computer.” Austin Couture, now 29, eventually developed an addiction. “I could not stop seeking out pornography and women to chat with online or the obsessive and compulsive masturbation that always went along with it. At one of my lowest points, I felt isolated, alone, confused, faulty and irreparably broken. I believed that I was an emotionless, guilt-ridden zombie that was forever cursed to live in despair with these sexual secrets.”[1] Austin and I met at a Sexual Integrity Leadership Summit and connected further when I was a guest on his podcast. I asked Austin to give us some insight from his perspective on addiction, talking, and using an internet filter. He had the following advice:

When it comes specifically to pornography, sexting, and devices, it’s a sad truth, but almost no device is safe, even if you have an internet filter on the device. Here’s how I got around filters in my home:

Video Game Consoles – I love video games! Most kids do. Thankfully, most consoles (i.e. Xbox and Playstation) have parental controls; however, there are some flaws to consider. Internet apps can be downloaded onto gaming consoles, but filters cannot be added. Therefore, a preteen or teen can download an app and be on a porn site within seconds. We also need to be careful of online multiplayer games. Other kids and adults intentionally try to reach children for sexual content or personal information through online games. Gaming communities have tried to curb this behavior and have banned accounts of players caught exhibiting criminal behavior, but it’s easy to create another account and be accepted back in.Smart TVs – Smart TVs are wonderful! I love a good weekend of binging a Netflex show. But most smart TVs allow access to apps and internet browsers. So, anyone can access pornography through the smart TV.Smartphones & Tablets – You may think that since you can add an internet filter to these devices they are safe. My parents thought so, too. Gaming apps connect with others for sex chatting and to share pornography or nude pictures. The “private mode” browsing rarely stops the user from viewing porn. Additionally, our kids can disable or get around internet filters without getting caught. For example, there are websites that can crack the 4 or 6-digit PIN of the screen time passcode to bypass locks you’ve put in place. One of the easiest ways I got around the blocks on my phone was by using random apps. A vast majority of the “Terms and Conditions” or “Privacy” sections on apps will take you to their website. Websites link to their social media page or the Google search engine. It’s easy to get to social media or Google to surf for porn. An internet filter may or may not catch this activity. Therefore, if you see your teen has been on an app for an excessive amount of time and it doesn’t make sense, you may question it.Laptops and Desktop Computers – Porn can be accessed through the internet on both Apple and Microsoft, even with screen monitoring. Some filters don’t work in “safe mode” or “private mode.” Additionally, there’s a plethora of sites not blocked by internet monitoring and filtering software in which the user can download videos and pictures straight to the computer. And, again, online video games can be an issue, as mentioned in #1.Podcasting Apps – Even though podcasts are audio only, erotic and adult-themed stories and talk shows are available through them. They can be accessed via an Amazon Alexa speaker as well.Video Streaming Sites – Even “safe” video sites and parental controls are not 100% secure. Be sure to monitor your children’s activities on these.Social Media – Preteens and teens easily find sexual images, videos, and more on social media. This is also where teens and adults connect with our kids and exchange personal information. Be careful with social media.

It seems like nowhere is safe. As a sex and love addict, I can’t go anywhere without a potential trigger for my addiction, which seems unfair. The point is: there will always be a way for your children to access pornography and possibly be taken advantage of by strangers.

A Millennial Talks About Internet Filters, Pornography, and Addiction – How did he feel? How did he get around the internet filter his parents had? And how can you best protect your children? #fightthenewdrug #healthyrelationships
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But you can protect your children.Invite your children into conversations, not a shaming lecture. Sex and pornography are powerful and attractive to youth whose brains are still developing. I recommend sites like Hopeful Mom and The Sex Talk.Use an internet filter on each device and on your Wi-Fi. Check out Firewalla’s Blue device, which specifically helps with “private browsing” mode and many secretive ways around restrictions on smartphones. (Click here for Barb’s recommendations.)For more security, ditch the smartphone and try a Wisephone from Techless. This touchscreen phone allows the user to make calls and text. It has GPS maps, a camera, and music, but no access to an internet browser. Therefore, there is no access to pornography. (Barb also recommends a Gabb phone.)

Barb here! Sometimes all this info can be a little scary. Our hope is to offer you information to empower you to parent well. Stay informed but don’t fret. Remember that your best line of offense and defense is ongoing, open, and honest conversations. You’ve got this!

[1] https://gentlepathproject.com/about-us/

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Two Powerful Words

“I’m sorry.”

Ten minutes before, my mom mode soared into overdrive. My right eyebrow raised, my hip cocked, and my finger wagged. “I can’t believe you did that. You know better. I’ve told you about the dangers over and over.” I raised my voice and started in on a five-minute lecture.

Then, I stopped. My head bowed and my shoulders fell. I had done it again—allowed my emotions to get the better of me. My temper overrode logic. But, based on experience, I understood that yelling at my teen son over his choices would not solve the problem. He knew my stance on the matter. So, I paused, took a deep breath, and said, “I’m sorry.”

This wasn’t the first time I apologized to one of my children for allowing my anger to get the best of me. And I’m sure it won’t be the last.

I’m not saying my son was right. He crossed a line. Whether it’s taking drugs, gaming all night, sending a nude, or being disrespectful, teens will make imperfect choices.

But we’ve all made choices we aren’t proud of—at their age and now. We’ve been tempted and caved. It’s human nature. We’ve also made poor decisions from lack of knowledge. Remembering our painful choices and understanding that our children are still learning how to reason through their options helps us stay calm when we discover their wrongdoing.

I’m Sorry I Hurt You

But we will slip.

Thankfully, our children forgive. Even when they don’t show it, they want a healthy relationship with us. That means we let go of anger and bitterness, and we say—out loud— “I’m sorry.”

Saying I’m sorry has the following effect:

It diffuses the situation when we’ve wronged our child, whether it’s using judgmental and angry tones, forgetting to pick them up after school, or some other offense. It decreases the intense emotions and fosters a sense of calm in the atmosphere.It communicates to our teens that our relationship is more important than proving we are right. This action reveals that we are on their side and have their back. We care about their wellbeing, inside and out. And when we use these two powerful words, our children feel more comfortable talking with us about their transgressions.It models healthy relationship skills. If we apologize to our children after hurting them, they are more inclined to apologize after hurting someone else. Recognizing and admitting wrongdoing is an important life skill that will serve them well now and in the future. Again, we all stumble. A strong person admits when they’ve fallen short and offended another person.

I’m Sorry You’re Going Through That

There’s another scenario in which these two powerful words are beneficial.

My daughter approached me. “Mom, my friend and I aren’t getting along. There have been some misunderstandings, and I’m not sure the friendship will last. I’m pretty upset about it.”

“I’m sorry you’re going through that. It must be difficult.” I couldn’t solve her friendship problems, but I could listen with an empathetic ear and offer a few suggestions.

Saying I'm sorry to our children, whether we've hurt them or they need compassion, has a powerful effect on the relationship. Two Powerful Words #healthyrelationships
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Saying I’m sorry when your teen is dealing with a hard situation tells them you care. When you can’t resolve the problem but want to be available emotionally, start by saying, “Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you’re going through that.” Follow up with another statement like, “That sounds hard,” or “Is there anything I can do to help?” Maybe offer a hug. Then sit with them, give them your attention, and listen. These words may be the start of an in-depth conversation in which you learn more about your child and their trials and triumphs.

Apologizing can be awkward at first, especially if it doesn’t come naturally to you. But it becomes easier over time. These connecting words and interactions benefit you and your relationships. I hope you try it.

Thanks for reading! Share, like, and subscribe below. Connect on Facebook and Instagram.

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Social Media Safety

Most of us use social media daily. Whether we’re messaging a friend in WhatsApp, looking up how to fix something on YouTube, or scrolling our Instagram feed, we’re enjoying the benefits of social media. But, is it safe? Parents ask me whether they should allow their preteens and teens to get SnapChat, TikTok, or the latest greatest social media app. In this guest post, John DiGirolamo gives us some pointers on social media safety for our children. The following is an adapted excerpt from John’s booklet, It’s Not About the Predator: A Parent’s Guide to Internet & Social Media Safety.

Is social media safe? The short answer is no. Social media (and the rest of the internet) isn’t safe. So, if you are going to allow your kid access, be aware of the dangers and pitfalls.

Most teens rate SnapChat, TikTok and Instagram between “PG-13” and “R.” These are some of the most popular apps for tweens and teens, yet viewers reveal that, “Gross nudity pics just show up.” If a program is popular with kids, you can be sure predators spend time there.

Actions for parents:

1.   Know your child’s password for their phone and any program, application or game.

2.   Check the content of all games. Many are sexually explicit.

3.   Approve and download any program, application or game. Consider downloading controls such as Ask to Buy (iPhones) or Purchase Approvals (Android).

4.   Advise your children to only accept friends and followers from people they know personally and keep settings “private.”

5.   Advise your children not to use their full name or disclose their home address.

6.   If you’re paying for the phone and monthly service, your kid has no right to phone privacy. Perform random and unannounced inspections (weekly).

7.   Disallow location serviceson all social media and games. You can find these in the settings section of each individual program.

8.   Know and review the chat rooms they participate in.

9.   Make sure your children know your phone numbers, as well as the numbers of four other trusted adults, by heart. This will come in handy if their phone battery is dead and could be vital in phoning for help. If they are in real and imminent danger, instruct them to dial 911.

10.  Consider purchasing a “Dumb Phone” instead of a smartphone. These don’t have internet access and do not allow photos or videos to be sent or received.

Instead of purchasing a smartphone for your child, consider getting one that doesn't have internet access. Social Media Safety
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Teens Can Be Sneaky

A generation ago, if a teen wanted to be sneaky, they would have to be creative or ask one of their friends. Now they can easily get ideas from Siri, Alexa or YouTube. Type into any search engine the phrase, “How to get away with stuff if you have strict parents.” You will find videos and blogs written by teens with specific instruction on how to circumvent parental controls and restrictions.

Spoofer apps and hidden folders:

Here are a few apps and programs children use to circumvent parental controls or the parent reviewing a teen’s activity.

1.       GPS spoofer program shows an incorrect physical location.

2.       A calculator app that performs mathematical functions but also contains hidden folders so the user can hide photos, videos and secrets.

3.       SnapChat stores digital images in a hidden folder labeled “My Eyes Only.”

4.       With a minimal amount of research, the free site wikiHow provides guidance on how teens can be sneaky. Searching for “How to hide things from your parents” produced an article with over 500,000 views.

Other ways a teen can circumvent parental controls:

·     Start the phone in safe mode.

·     Change the time zone to get around time restrictions.

·     Create new Apple ID.

·     Reset to factory settings.

·     Delete and reinstall app.

Other circumvention apps:

·     Second Texting Number

·     Text me

·     Secret Photo Album

·     Secret Photo Vault

·     Secret Messenger

·     Best Secret Folder

·     Confide

More helpful information:

·     Apps can be renamed.

·     Apps can be hidden.

·     You can look in the App Store and see anything your child has previously downloaded. It will show a cloud symbol instead of the word “GET.”

·     Left swipe to view the app library in an iPhone.

·     For an Android phone, go to Settings, then Apps.

Some applications share location and allow money transfers. Predators look for new victims in apps that live stream, video, and use chat features.

Messenger apps such as WhatsApp, Messenger Line and Discord are popular. This is where predators will search for people to exploit.

Do not allow your children to participate in romance and erotica applications. Some advertise that the program provides the ability to play with friends, as well as more than 30 million players from all over the world. 

Do not allow your kid to participate in pornographic applications such as Tickle Her and JoyHouse.

Tweens and teens use slang and acronyms to communicate in code. For example, saying you’re going to someone’s house to watch “Netflix and chill” isn’t a movie night. It’s a hookup for sex. PWOMS means parents watching over my shoulder. Slang changes continually. Do a search, such as “Teen texting slang” to find the latest words and meaning. Emoji’s also have meaning, frequently sexual in nature and parents should do a similar search to discover the true emoji meaning.

Instruct your teen never to post phrases such as “I hate my parents” or “I just ran away.” This will instantly attract predators.

Barb’s Reminder: Creating a culture in which children feel comfortable talking with you about their mistakes or poor choices is best. Have open, ongoing conversations about online dangers, reminding them that your job is to protect them. You’re taking these precautions because you love them and want to keep them safe. For filters I recommend, see my resource page. Be sure to check out John’s booklet It’s Not About the Predator: A Parent’s Guide to Internet & Social Media Safety for more information.

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Reflections of 2023

New year! New beginnings! And reflections on the past.

First, a huge welcome to those of you who found Hopeful Mom in 2023. We had a surge of new followers last year, and I’m grateful you are here.

When Hopeful Mom began in 2018, I didn’t comprehend the impact it would have. I continue to receive personal emails from parents explaining their situation and thanking me for creating a space where they can talk about their struggles.

You are the reason Hopeful Mom still exists.

2023 was a big year at Hopeful Mom. We celebrated our five-year anniversary and published our 100th post the same month. Additionally, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships was published and quickly became a #1 new release at Amazon.

I’m continually awed by the number of visits to Hopeful Mom and the posts which are read. So, I thought I’d do a bit of a throwback and mention various blog posts which are popular or stand out as favorites.

Top Two Posts:

Boredom Leads to Porn Use

Recent Pornography Statistics and Why They Are Important

Top Two Posts Written by Guests:

The Impact of a Parent’s Pornography Use on Children

10 Tips to Difficult Conversations with Teens and Adult Children

Throwback Favorites:

The Church Can’t Fix Our Children

Triggers

The first post at Hopeful Mom:

Gag Me: My Son’s Watching Porn

In honor of Human Trafficking Awareness month:

Porn Fuels Human Trafficking

About: Hopeful Mom exists to support, encourage, and offer practical tips to parents, leaders, and educators. If you find Hopeful Mom helpful, please share this site with others. We grow because of you and your willingness to spread the word.

Upcoming Events for 2024: Barb will continue to be a guest on podcasts and write articles for publication. She is also a featured speaker at the Sexual Integrity Leadership Summit in Colorado Springs in May. If you need a speaker for a webinar or online event, please contact Barb.

Happy New Year!

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